I recently received an email from a reader in Texas. I thought it might be helpful to share her experience with others, to see just how gradual and controlling a relationship with an abusive Narcissist can be. In so doing, I hope that many of you will see the similarities in your own relationships and take the necessary action before you lose yourself, like this reader did.

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I met my narcissist Dave when I was 24. He was unlike anyone that I had ever been with. He was really smart and beautiful and so different in very strange ways. Although he was gorgeous, his mom was a doctor, so he was always praised by her, growing up, for his intelligence. He was a Cerebral Narcissist. Looking back there were raging, red flags, that should have been enough to have me running and screaming far, far, away from him, but hindsight is 20/20.

I get a lot of emails from people that are confused about the mixed signals they receive from men in relationships. The hot and cold behaviours usually leave them unsure as to whether or not they are actually involved with a Narcissist. We have to be careful not to paint everyone with the Narcissistic brush, as even healthy relationships do have their ups and downs, but there are some pretty easy telltale signs.

You know you’re involved with a Narcissist when they exhibit several of the following behaviours:

When we get rejected, treated poorly, or someone blows hot and cold in a relationship with us, we often become stuck and fixated on that person. We become convinced that we’re in love and we try over and over again to prove ourselves, to show the objects of our affection, that we are worthy of their love and attention.

We often don’t recognize that the reason someone isn’t interested in us may have absolutely nothing to do with us at all. We tend to internalize the rejection that it must be because we’ve been seen, evaluated and judged, as not good enough and that they are no longer interested.

Breaking up hurts. Rejection on any level sucks, no matter how you slice it.

Most people recognize that relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Some are nasty, some are amicable and some are mutual. But they generally follow the same pattern – relationship ends, one or both parties grieve and then move on.

Getting over a relationship with a Narcissist is a much different kettle of fish. Depending upon the duration, the impact of such a union could have profound emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical and even financial effects on its victims.

A relationship with a Narcissist has been compared to being on a roller coaster, with immense highs and immense lows. They have been described as the proverbial Jekyll and Hyde, one way one minute, another the next.

People usually get into relationships for love and the need to connect and bond with another. Narcissists get into relationships for entirely different reasons. They do not feel love and they lack the ability to connect and form normal attachment bonds with others.

Narcissists need people more than anyone. Because their entire sense of self-esteem and self-worth is dependent on the admiration of others, their emotions are a precarious balance of needing others and needing to be left alone.

There is nothing more tantalizing to a woman than the prospect of being the one who succeeds, where all others have failed. To reach the heart of an unreachable, reluctant man and have him fall madly in love with us, change his ways and give us the relationship we’ve always dreamed of. This is so enticing to so many of us because if we win, if we get to go where no other woman has gone before, then we get the validation that we all seek – that there must be something pretty special and irresistible about us.

Hollywood is full of such tales. Just about every Rom Com you watch begins with an Emotionally Unavailable, shady, or Narcissistic male, treating the woman in his life like garbage. Then, enter the heroine and you get two hours of how they stumble through various scenarios, until he eventually realizes that she’s the one, he gets his act together and they ride off into the sunset of wedded bliss.

Many women, while on a first date with a man, are often already picturing the wedding in their heads, before dessert even arrives. If they feel that illusive chemistry, they are so quick to open up before taking the much needed time to actually get to know someone.

You wouldn’t let a stranger into your house and give them carte blanche with all of your stuff and you wouldn’t give them total access to your bank account, just because you thought they were attractive. So why do so many of us not take the same precautions when it comes to dating and relationships?