Breaking up hurts. Rejection on any level sucks, no matter how you slice it.
Most people recognize that relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Some are nasty, some are amicable and some are mutual. But they generally follow the same pattern – relationship ends, one or both parties grieve and then move on.
Getting over a relationship with a Narcissist is a much different kettle of fish. Depending upon the duration, the impact of such a union could have profound emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical and even financial effects on its victims.
Once a partner does manage to break free and gain the much needed emotional and physical distance, either by choice, necessity or abandonment, they are often left with some devastatingly painful questions like – Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him at all?
What one must always remember is that Narcissists do not love. They do not form normal, healthy, attachment bonds to anyone. To a Narcissist, their partners are objects, a source of supply, nothing more. And coming to terms with the fact, that you meant nothing, to someone who meant so much to you, is incredibly painful. Realizing that you were lied to, duped, conned and manipulated all along, is enough to send even a saint into a psychotic rage.
I think the hardest thing to get over is the deliberate mind fuck, the psychological warfare that the Narcissist uses to keep his victims emotionally invested in him.
Narcissists are generally angry, miserable people and they love to project their misery onto those closest to them. Once the honeymoon phase is over and their true colours emerge, their victims are saddled with trying to understand what’s happening in the relationship. Why are they pulling away? What did I do? Why is he treating me that way? Why are they ignoring me?
This kind of emotional torture is exasperated by the Narcissists hot and cold routine. The mixed signals of I love you one day and hate you the next, has women and men not only questioning their sanity, but their sense of self-worth as well. They are pathological liars and will lie about even the most insignificant things. If their partner catches them in a lie, they will often, either spin another set of lies or fly into a Narcissistic Rage and even put the blame on you, to keep you off balance.
They use a form of psychological intimidation, called Gas Lighting, where they present false information to their victims, which makes them doubt their own memory, perception and even sanity. They will often say something, then sometimes even in the same conversation state that they didn’t say that to perpetuate the confusion.
A Narcissist will take no responsibility for anything. He will criticize your appearance, abilities and your very existence. Everything has become your fault and you cannot ever please them despite your best efforts. The closer you try to get to them the further they pull away. Then once you start to pull away, they will turn up the heat and start their pursuit once again. This constant beat down erodes their victim’s self-esteem leaving them feeling completely confused, off balance and drained of all their emotional resources.
Everything is all about them, always and this consistent pandering to their every need and want, often pushes their targets into Co-dependent-like behaviour. Victims get so wrapped up in the relationship and trying to fix it, that they lose themselves in the process. They have stopped thinking about their needs, their goals and their own happiness. All of their energy is spent on trying to win back the one they fell in love with. What most fail to realize is that that person never existed. The Narcissist pulls the old bait and switch. The person you met in the beginning was an actor and the one they are with now, is the true individual behind the mask.
Many get caught up in seeking the emotional validation of –am I good enough – from someone who will never give it to them. This validation seeking can go on for a long, long time. There is nothing more soul destroying and degrading than jumping through hoop after hoop trying to prove your worth, to someone who will never see or acknowledge it.
Narcissists are akin to a psychological parasite. Once they get inside your head it’s almost impossible to get them out. They spend the early part of a relationship learning all about you, what makes you tick and what buttons to push, to best manipulate you later on. They pay keen attention to your vulnerabilities, your fears and what causes you the most hurt, as a means of control, for a Narcissist must always be in control. They will go to great lengths to isolate you from friends, family and other sources of support.
Once a relationship with a Narcissist ends, most victims are left with the enormous task of weaving through all the lies and the abuse and building themselves back up. Their sense of self-esteem and self-worth will have been virtually annihilated. They have to rediscover who they are.
Being free of such a monster should be considered a blessing, but what often happens, after prolonged exposure to this type of abuse, is that many will actually pine and grieve for the return of their tormentor. They have come to believe that love equals pain and that they are deserving of this type of treatment. They’ve placed the Narcissist so high up on a pedestal, that even crumbs of their affections and attention are better than nothing at all.
A Narcissist doesn’t like to throw away any sources of supply, so they will continue to play this game with you indefinitely. The more pain that the Narcissist can inflict upon their partner, the less respect they have for their victims and they devalue that source of supply. If a Narcissist does leave, it’s because they have found a new source, but they’ll often be back to throw you more crumbs and prolong your suffering.
The abrupt and heartless manner in which they leave their partners is bone chilling. When a Narcissist is in stage one, the over-evaluation phase, with his new target, they focus all their energy on securing that new source of supply. The fact that they have left you in emotional turmoil, a spiraling depression or perhaps even financial ruin, will have no impact on them. It’s all about them- it always was. These people are happiest when they have at least one or two individuals pining for them, who they can run to, at any time for sex, money or an ego stroke.
If at some point the victim decides to end the relationship, the Narcissist will experience what Freud calls a Narcissistic Injury. This is any slight, real or imagined, that threatens the Narcissist’s false belief, that they are special, superior and unique. The Narcissist may rage or grieve over your parting, but one must always remember, they are not grieving the loss of the person in their life, they are grieving the damage done to their ego, the lost source of supply, the efforts it took to secure that supply and the anxiety they will have to face to obtain more.
The grieving won’t last long though, since they do not take responsibility for anything, your leaving won’t resonate with them as, “I’ve done something to make them leave.” They will immediately start telling themselves – ‘They’re nuts, they thinks they can do better than me. I’m better off without them. They’re damaged anyway,’ as part of the devaluation process. And just like that you are discarded in the Narcissist’s mind, regardless of the amount of time, or the amount of suffering you may have endured.
When a normal relationship ends, both parties usually go their separate ways and move on. When you’re involved with a Narcissist the relationship ends abruptly, without notice, or it never ends. They like to keep a hold of you, they are control freaks and they will do that, by offering you the friend card. This friend card entitles them to unlimited supply of your attention, resources, affection, ego strokes, or sex, with no responsibility or commitment. It also stops you from being able to move on.
They almost always seem to have an innate sense of exactly when you might be getting over them and just like that, they waltz back into your life, as if nothing ever happened. The loving, caring person returns and you may be thinking, finally ________ (insert name), has realized my worth and things will be different this time. Don’t be fooled. The actor is back, just long enough to take control of you and your emotions again. If you engage for any reason, it won’t be long before the mask slips and the real McCoy is back to further torment you.
Once you have managed to get out – stay out. Stop all communication and burn every bridge behind you, thus souring the milk of your Narcissistic Supply. It’s better to covet a Narcissist’s indifference, than their toxic form of love.
Your involvement with a Narcissist has likely changed you in ways you could never have imagined. Make the decision to break free and stick with it, start to rebuild your shattered self image, regain your power and dignity and most importantly, learn the lesson that you were meant to learn from this encounter. But that’s another blog!!!!
Most narcissists are males. It’s a fact. Women display Borderline Personality Disorder traits. It’s the same cluster of Personality Disorder just a different presentation.
This is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I can’t explain the pain. He just let go in June and I’m still grieving. I’m so tired. He is in a new relationship. One month after are breakup. The article was so on target it is scary. It is all so very true. Thank you.
It seems to me that I have been in a relationship with a Narcissist my whole life.. I fell in love with him when I was 19 years old and now I am 47.
When we were young I couldn’t recognise the signs. I left him then from instinct. But it is like you said, once they get inside your head it’s almost impossible to get them out. Psychological parasites..
After 20 years, I was once again in his trap! I wanted to learn my lesson well! After having a child with him I saw all his faces and believe me they were so ugly.. I broke up when my child was 10 months old.
They have passed 2 years now and I am still always alert. He tries with every chance he has to get back in. It is really hard because of the child. It took me two years of nusty legal disputes to delimit him.
I know now that I choosed this painful experience as a stimulation for my spiritual awakening. I gained precious self – knowledge and for the first time in my life a sense of self-acceptance. But I must also admit that the pain is still there. All you said at your article are so true, as you had personal experience with a Narcissist.
I am so relieved that all these is over and from my experience one of the most important tip is to cut all bridges which connects you with these emotional vampires.
I have a long distinguished career in the military there were very rough moments but I survived. I’ve been in two relationships that denigrated all I’ve done accomplished and survived this last was unbearable and since I had retired I was treated like a servant she did nothing but criticize biting denigrating humiliation dished out with no remorse. I must have a sign on me that say narcissism welcome here. Choices are no more relationships or take a chance you’ve met your quota
Another immensely helpful post, thank you, Savannah.
I hadn’t identified my last partner as a narcissist until the very end when he let his mask slip and I saw him for what he is.
I’m so cross with myself for not seeing the signs as he slowly devalued me. Eight months later, I’m still recovering but feel I’m on the mend now thanks to you.
Thanks, I’ve often wondered if this was the case now just to hear it is helpful to me. I was just getting over her when she shows up at a concert with alligator tears, it was everything I could do not to look but I knew it was Medusa. I powered right by her and never saw or heard from her again. Just seeing her was like tearing open a near fatal wound, did she know it would? “They almost always seem to have an innate sense of exactly when you might be getting over them and just like that, they waltz back into your life, as if nothing ever happened. The loving, caring person returns and you may be thinking, finally ________ (insert name), has realized my worth and things will be different this time. “
I don’t talk about this anywhere else in fear of provoking my ex, who has crossed my boundaries in various ways since our break-up, but I’d left him because I’d found out about his pedophilic interest in children ( which he and his friends tried to convince me was a “mistake” and a “phase”, as if we’re talking about a CHILD and not a GROWN MAN ).
When I told him I was leaving him, he pulled out the usual tactics of claiming that I was selfish and abandoning him, that I was leaving him to impress other people, that something was wrong with ME, etc. Then he convinced his friends that I was abusive, even though I’d never ONCE criticized his behavior during our entire relationship but endured years of put-downs, guilt trips, gaslighting, devaluation, and suicide threats.
It’s been a few months since I left that mess, and I’m done with it. Those earliest days were difficult, but I’m much better off afterwards now that I don’t have someone arbitrating whom I can interact with and how much time I can spend with other people. I can’t believe I let it go on for so long.
In my case, he clung to me because he sensed that I was stronger. The problem is that I continued to get stronger while he grew increasingly possessive and co-dependent, to the point where I had to “vet” messages for him ( a grown adult ) that he found too upsetting to read himself. And usually these were responses to drama HE started himself!
It was like being in a relationship with someone who has the emotional maturity of a child. I’m sure he’s still making a stink and stomping his feet about me, but I’ve not been paying attention because I haven’t been keeping tabs. He’s very welcome to stalk me and see that I’m doing completely fine without him.
The best “revenge” is apathy and a restraining order.
i my self was bought up by a narc dad after me suffering so many years from abuse realized it 61 years later i have exposed him on face book now most of my family is against me for exposing him which in my opinion is part of problem i bow down in trying to break cycle and promote awareness of these horrific whatevers i feel so saddened of truth but in return feel like i achieved the greatest goal life can offer ripping mask off even if one person benefits from my effort.
I am trying to get out of a relationship with a narcissist.I don’t make enough money to leave and no one ever seems to call back. He hides my license and my keys. He constantly criticizes everything from the way I park the car , to the way I cook. He complains that I am a lazy wife, but when I clean he screams in my face that I didn’t do it right. Then redoes everything I just did the RIGHT way. He asks the same questions over and over like he is trying to catch me in a lie. I ignore him and leave he follows me or tries and breaks the door down. I answer him and he gets more explosive and calls me a liar.
I need help mine fucked my life in every way now I have deteriorated so much that I do things that are illegal and self destructive manner I am looking my mind daily
I need help my ex fucked me up so bad I was totally in love 2 kids which he did everything under the sun to destroy me and get them every week I die over and over I am self destructive began stealing booze to shut out pain got caught but continue to bring myself shame etc I have lost my mind
I’m so sorry this happened to you, me & all the other posters here. I would say join AA immediately. If you can afford or have insurance, get therapy. This man robbed you of your self esteem and worth. You will have to learn to love yourself more than anyone. Be around loving & supportive family/friends. I wish there were in person group meetings for people going through this or trying to get out. We can all pull ourselves out of this in time. Best to you.
This article describes them perfectly. After 10 yrs with mine I was a mindless zombie. Luckily I got arrested and sent to a treatment center hrs away from home. I started coming back alive as soon as I was in a different location with new people. I can relate with Carlos. Having survived, and 10 yrs of wasted life, i now have a super power. I can spot a narcissist the first time I meet them. I’m also freakishly good at knowing a bad persons intentions, and qualities. It’s scary accurate. It only works with bad people. I wish I knew how I could use this power to help people and stop narcissists like Carlos did.
Wow, just found this article and I can relate! I was confused about my ex Narc’s behavior. He told me he loved me and said we were soulmates etc. Yet he would belittle me when he was upset. He would call be a hypocrite, liar, cheat, dark, and said he hoped I’d get AIDS. Of course, he would later say he didn’t mean it and that he adored me.
We would go out and do fun things together yet he was always very negative. He had a habit of putting down servers at restaurants and would call them “brain dead” when they weren’t fast enough or made an error. And then there were the occasions when he would flirt with the waitresses and call them “sweetheart” or “sweetie” in front of me. This got me upset and I told him it was disrespectful. He tried to laugh it off at first but he continued to do it for awhile.
When I tried to end the relationship, he said life wasn’t worth living without me. Then he avoided answering my calls. I got so worried that I drove over to his family’s place to check on him. He eventually answered his phone once he realized I was talking to his family about his threats of suicide.
There were red flags when I met him but because he was fun to be around (when he wasn’t putting me down) I continued seeing him for two years. He wouldn’t accept the fact that he was mistreating me. He tried to blame our problems on everything else but his verbal abuse.
He told me that he’s a good man. And I told him he’s entitled to his opinion but I don’t agree with it. He said that I’m hellbound and that I’ll be judged. However, according to him, he’s been forgiven by god because he’s only human and not perfect.
Prior to meeting this guy, I didn’t know such loons existed! He’s a bully. He enjoys insulting people yet thinks he’s superior to others. I noticed also that he’s delusional about his age. He’s a 52-year-old man yet tries to dress like he’s in his 20s! He wears a baseball cap backwards and wears clothing that is better suited on a younger man. I can tell he’s afraid of aging too.
This narc is childish and was angry that I ended the relationship. He said that I was giving up on “us” and that I was abandoning him. He also said that love conquers all…..meaning I need to forgive all his abuse. I replied that I am in no way required to forgive his nonsense. And that I probably never will.
I never ever experienced something like this before and never intend to again. Like others have said, these people are emotional vampires. They literally suck the life out of their victims….and don’t care. They have no empathy.
My narc called me with his crocodile tears on a few occasions and I foolishly took him back. His acting skills were believable! I fell for the tears and the promises to change. What a bunch of bologna!
Buh bye, Narcissist! After two LONG years of your childish nonsense and abuse, you have been officially kicked to the curb for good! Don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you!
Don’t let these subhumans belittle and insult you anymore. Being alone is so peaceful and refreshing than dealing with those abusers.
RUN…these people have no conscience and enjoy seeing you hurt….you deserve better!
Top quality article. Not specifically your problem but people tend to gear these articles towards females but I have just severed a link with a female narcissist after 1.5 years after breaking up at the end of 2017. She would not leave me alone but would not take any responsibility, blamed me for everything, gas lighted me about things I’ve said, insisting I never said them, blanked my friends and family, took liberties with concerts and trips away and held onto a big sob story. An absolute siren. Good looking and dangerous
OMG , your ex sounds exactly like my ex and I left him on March 9th as well . I was with my ex for almost 2 years .
He would deprive me of sex , intimacy , communication , he always gave me the silent treatment when angry, started to gaslight… would radio silence me , hated everyone , work collègues , brother , friends , basically anyone that he couldn’t control .., Had an extreme porn addiction , he was an ex drug addict and alcoholic as well . That was a whole new world to me as I never had any of those addictions. When o left him , i was disappointed with myself that during the time we dated I would find excuses for his behaviour , today I look at it as an experience that made me brighter to smell a narc a mile away ! Mine was 52 yrs old as well .
Holy smokes…was his name Mike in Green Bay? you almost described my situation exactly I left with no goodbye after he raged on me because I was sad due to the anniversary of my mom’s death. I have never seen anything like it and never want to again.
We were scheduled to go on vacation the next day with his 15 yr old son… I changed my seat and got on the plane and instead of spending time with them, i stayed free with my best friend while he had to pay $300/night at disney for a week.
I changed my return flight to return 2 days earlier and packed all of his things out of my home and put them on his front porch. I blocked him every way possible and 3 weeks later he tried to call. I didn’t pick up and no message. I saw footprints in the snow to my front door so I know it was him stopping by. 20 mn after his call which was that same night…his son tried calling to “check in and see how I was” I simply said great hope you had a great trip. He said he ,missed me and I said I missed him too.
6 weeks ago today no contact with him… he hasn’t left my stuff on my porch, yet I was hoping he would..but apparently it’s gone.
I have had pants of “missing him” but it’s not really HIM..just having someone I suppose.
Anyone else encounter that?
I wish there was a website that we can list the names of these monsters. And post our stories with a name attached to warn people like us. They should be registered offenders of some type. It is not fair that people like us spending years and years thinking they love us, open our hearts, our home, our trust etc… only to have it all destroyed. I could write a novel on what I went through and the sad part is I could of left at any time and I didn’t . His reasons for the cruelty changed for every situation spinning back on me. I finally drove myself to a Mental Hospital for help only to find out it is NOT me that is crazy. I am now on the journey to recovering and facing my own demons inside. We must find in ourseleves the part that is broken the part that lets us put up with that treament and then learn to never let someone like that in again. My N is Xxxx Xxxx from Long Beach watch out girls your in for the ride of your life
Your statement just lifted me from the lowest of lows….you put into words exactly what has happened in two years and 6 months of my life. I’m not alone.
And after last nights tears…that frankly didn’t move me one iota – and you can imagine the tantrum chucked when I didn’t come over all ‘there there’…..
Thank you so much
Holy shit. Mine is also 52 and this is like de ja vu. The entire thing. The mega sweet behavior and then insane mood swings when I say odd I the wrong thing. The meanness. The horrible words. Then venom. But later he was mad and apparently in his eyes when he is mad and says shit, it doesn’t count. I need to get out but not sure how. We work together and i am scared of his wrath.
Thank u for showing me the light, I’m struggling to keep strong at the moment – only just broke it off with him. Unfortunately I work with him, so any advice on how to deal with seeing him everyday is most welcome – he really is the worst kind and incredibly clever and he knows exactly which buttons to push, it’s excruciatingly painful! Thanks
My ex and I were only together for about 8 or 9 months. He came across as Prince Charming, he already said he was in love with me after 2 weeks…things went so fast it was scary but the “love-bombing” felt nice. He wanted to move in. He said we were soul mates but he was so insanely jealous. If a man looked or spoke to me it was issue and it was my fault. I made that situation happen. I stayed out of fear of some threats he made and promises of change. But then I caught him flirting with other women on three different occasions. By the third one, just a few days ago, I was fed up and ended it with him. He was so upset. Promised me the world and swore he never physically cheated, though he told another female “I’m so in love with you” on her selfie. My ex is the most beautiful guy, but with the nastiest temper, horrible jealousy, and had no respect or value for me and my feelings. He tried for 2 days straight to get me back with promises and then threats of violence. But I stuck to my decision. It hurts so much to realize someone you loved never actually loved you but I am trying to keep in mind that I did what was best for me. I know love and I am a person who can love, he never can. I feel your pain and hopefully you did well from this situation.
This is a “Spot On” article. You have covered the Narcissist perfectly and the first i have read that isnt plagiarized “cut and paste”. Please understand this is a serious mental illness you cannot repair. Do you best to realize you have done nothing wrong to deserve the treatment you have reveived from your narc. Best of luck to all surviors.
After getting out of a 13 year marriage to a man that cheated on me with my under aged sister. I discovered he was / is a Sociopath, Narcissistic, Sex Predator who according to several long term mutual male friends (who came clean after the fact) said had been cheating on me the whole time all the time. He now is facing jail time!
I start dating again and my first relationship is with (you guessed it) a narcissist. So I am educating myself ..please do the same. Become familiar with the terminology: love bombing, flying monkeys, gas lighting etc… Write down red flags and manipulation tactics used on you by who and at what times. This will help you refrain from falling for it again and it will be used a a reference when entering the dating scene. Understand that you where chosen by them for a reason. What are those reasons? Do you crave servitude or dependency? Are you scared to take charge of your own life? Grow as a person and know that you were chosen by them for (your weaknesses) but more importantly your strengths. Narcissist leech onto strong individuals who are highly sensitive, empathetic and big hearted. You are a wonderful person and you deserve better. Run..run..run. Let God doll out their punishment and except your gratitude of knowledge by experience gracefully..and then pass it on. Mothers teach your daughters and sons. Reach out if you see someone in a position you’ve been in. But most of all have Faith..it is a rough road but you are amazing and tougher then you think. Ride it out Stay Strong!
My dance with sociopaths, predators and narcissists began at birth. Having done extensive research as well as been in trauma therapy by a psychologist who specializes in childhood trauma I learned that we are drawn and draw to us what needs to be resolved and healed from the past. Working on codependency issues as well as adult child of dysfunctiondl families or origins through a twelve step program is helpful. There is a good book Dangerous Personsalities by Joe Navarro, a retired FBI special agent, that I found helpful in the discerning process. Our “gut” instinct warns us. But often we push it aside especially if we had to as children in order to survive. Any confusion in relationship that causes self-doubt and anxiety is a red flag that we are with a personality disordered person. I got caught in the web of a narcissist and it directly reflected my childhood trauma. I tried to fix what I could not as s child. I still hold onto the fantasy that he will change or be different “this time”. However, if I allow myself to feel what I feel when I think of the reality of what it was like being with him I feel a sense of disgust, fear, and that dinething is really off about him. Any light I saw was merely a reflection of my own light. I have seen his blue eyes turn black and warned by him that he has a “dark side”. As I write a story about my life I see he is a match for my abuser as s child. My goal is is be self sourced and to think of him as no different than an addictive substance. I have never felt loved by him. That becomes more evident as I pravtice good self care and learn to love and trust myself. That is how I am knowing the true from the false. At one time he felt so “familiar” to me and like being “home”. Now I realize that is what I need to detach from as I come home to myself. Healing from codependency issues really helps with boundary formation which is critical in keeping the authentic love close and dangerous personalities outside. Trust the gut. Any confusion, trust that.
My dance with sociopaths, predators and narcissists began at birth. Having done extensive research as well as beein in trauma therapy by a psychologist who specializes in childhood trauma I learned that we are drawn and draw to us what needs to be resolved and healed from the past. Working on codependency issues as well as adult child of dysfunctiondl families or origins through a twelve step program is helpful. There is a good book Dangerous Personsalities by Joe Navarro, a retired FBI special agent, that I found helpful in the discerning process. Our “gut” instinct warns us. But often we push it aside especially if we had to as children in order to survive. Any confusion in relationship that causes self-doubt and anxiety is a red flag that we are with a personality disordered person. I got caught in the web of a narcissist and it directly reflected my childhood trauma. I tried to fix what I could not as s child. I still hold onto the fantasy that he will change or be different “this time”. However, if I allow myself to feel what I feel when I think of the reality of what it was like being with him I feel a sense of disgust, fear, and that dinething is really off about him. Any light I saw was merely a reflection of my own light. I have seen his blue eyes turn black and warned by him that he has a “dark side”. As I write a story about my life I see he is a match for my abuser as s child. My goal is is be self sourced and to think of him as no different than an addictive substance. I have never felt loved by him. That becomes more evident as I pravtice good self care and learn to love and trust myself. That is how I am knowing the true from the false. At one time he felt so “familiar” to me and like being “home”. Now I realize that is what I need to detach from as I come home to myself. Healing from codependency issues really helps with boundary formation which is critical in keeping the authentic love close and dangerous personalities outside. Trust the gut. Any confusion, trust that.
I am in no way condoning the conduct of a narcissist. I loved my narcissist with all my heart. Part of making my heart and mind heal was realizing he (and all the other narcissists) are seriously mentally ill people. I don’t want to see God punish my narcissist. I feel sorry for this shell of a person who can never feel a genuine emotion for anyone. I don’t know what happened to make them become what they are but they are cursed. I wish mine mercy in his afterlife. He is like any other mentally ill person and cannot control his sickness. Spotting and getting away from another is key.
My experience to a “T”! So glad to be free! Never again, Even though I have family who think there is hope of reconciliation that will NEVER HAPPEN! He is an emotional criminal! Women are worthy of love wo having to be changed or controlled. Respect yourselves ladies, do not succumb to demanding and disrespectful men.
I am currently in the process of breaking free from a narcissist and it is honestly scary. So to see that you seem so empowered is amazing. This man would flirt with other women then be upset with me for not forgiving him. Once I broke up with him he even called me names and threatened me. After 48 hours of nonstop attempts to get me to forgive him or convince with fear and me sticking with my decision I guess he is bored and on to finding his next victim since he is no longer messaging me or calling me.
So I’ve been with my bf for about 5 years now and just in the last 3 years alone I know he’s cheated on me with 15+ girls. At first I blamed the girls then I realized most of them never even knew about me. So I’ve been realizing some characteristics that He has and I’m almost 100% positive that he is a narcissist. If he isn’t then he’s just a terrible bf in general. I know that we hold no future together but for some reason I can’t let go of him. I’m 30 years old I need to find some happiness in my life and he’s only making it more difficult to do that what can I do to prepare myself for the verbal lashings and mental manipulation that will inevitably come with kicking him out of my life
I just broke off a 9 year relationship with someone who I believe is a narcissist. Just try to think of what really keeps us in these relationships is hope alone. They never do anything significant for us. They don’t encourage us to be productive in life they themselves are not productive in their lives. We hold on to these relationships because we “hope” one day they will “wake up” and see what they have in front of them. I remember when I was 5 years in I was 23 he was 28 and I used to thing “maybe by the time he is 30 things will began to fall into place. Boy I was so wrong… I stuck around another 4 years only to watch him self sabotage, devalue me and our relationship. He’s 33 now there is no way in hell he will ever change. I have not “hard proof” that he cheated on me but his online activity from compulsive porn viewing to constant entertainment of numerous women points to he has definitely cheated on me. Please if you read this. Save yourself. It’s not worth it.
I married a person similar to that which have described and I am gearing up to get my affairs in order to leave. It has been absolute torture. Even now I’m more concerned about how my departure will affect them than my own needs. I’ve had enough. I have waited for a change that never came. In fact he categorically told me he will not change. This article, Your comment and the others on this post have given me so much strength as I now know I am not alone and there is light at the end of this 8 year tunnel. Thanks!
you can do it. you don’t want to waste 5 more years. I know it hurts just thinking about leaving him but its better to have a shitty month without him than a shitty life with someone who doesn’t even love you, I just ended my 3 year relationship(well he broke up with me for like the 10th time this year) on Friday and I’m losing it but I know theres something better out there. My bf constantly Called me out of my name, and was so mean with his words. I was constantly questioning what was I doing wrong. I now know that love isn’t supposed to hurt. Everyone will “hurt” you but not ever hurt is the same or worth going through
Kaylah, I’m approaching 8 years. 8 years of lying, (8 years of likely) x 15 women (I’ve lost count), 8 years of questioning my sanity, 8 years of feeling not enough, 8 years of anxiety. I can go on and on but I’m sure you know exactly what I mean. I’ve tried leaving countless times, tried no contact, moved away, you name it, I’ve tried it. He was and is relentless, in every possible way. I’m frustrated with myself for not being able to pick up and leave, for knowing that he is toxic and nothing more than a walking lie. I’m doing things differently this time, I know I have to leave, I know this is not what I want, I also know I don’t want to be here ever again, feeling stuck and empty. So, I’m doing things differently this time, I’m trying to be kind to myself, to understand myself and what I’ve gone through and what I’m going through….My story is long, sometimes replaying parts of it makes me hurt and cry for the woman I once was and have now become, a shell of who I was… and so again I remind myself, I have to be kind and love myself, at least enough to get myself through this. Like I said, I’ve left many of times only to find myself right here again, so this time, this last time (because I don’t intend to ever be here again) I’m doing things differently. I wont pretend that I can do this alone, I can’t, I’ve made that mistake already and ended up right back in his arms. I’m learning that its ok to not be ready, because in all honesty, even after all the crap he’s put me through and continues to put me through, I’m not ready, not today. I walk away today and I’ll be right back in a month or two… I’ll tell you what I am doing, I am educating myself, I’m becoming keenly aware of his manipulative ways, to the point that every post and article I read about narcs describe him to the T, I could swear they were all written about him. I’ve begun to work on myself, I mean really work on myself, because guess what, for the last 8 years I have focused on trying to fix us, to fix him, to make him love me the way a normal person loves, you know what? he’s not my responsibility, he’s not my problem to fix. What I can do is work on me and so I’m shifting all of my energy to me, to fix the woman I have to face in the mirror each day. I’m in counseling/therapy now, I’m immersing myself in articles and books about narcissism, listening to YouTube, it’s amazing that only now after 8 years I’m understanding that I wasn’t, that I’m not crazy, that I’m not overreacting, that I’m not overly sensitive. Anyhow, I know I’m not where I want to be, but I feel I’m where I need to be right now, I’m putting in place the support, internally and externally to make sure that I’m never here again.
Ok some will condemn me here and judge me but you don’t really understand circumstances until you’ve lived them
It’s very hard to accept that you have been duped by a narcissist. At first you try and justify the relationship
“but she did love me at one time”
(yes I’m a man who was fooled by a female narcissist for 3 years)
I had known this woman from my workplace for many many years and although very attracted to her I never hit on her as although I was single at the time, she alas was married so a no go zone. It was however strange as I always felt this buzz when around her and so it went on, me being her secret admirer that could never be with her,
Fast forward about 9 years and I’m in a long distance relationship where we would see each other every weekend and holidays, unfortunately whilst I was back home in the week working she had secretly been seeing her ex during the week, we rowed about it and had a long chat and managed to work it out, unfortunately I found out she was still seeing him from time to time and it caused problems and put the relationship under strain, around this time I found myself working in the same office (actually the desk next to hers) as the married woman who still at this point I had never made any form of move on, we became very close over the next few months and would discuss our woes, turns out she described her husband as lazy and not prepared to do anything in the house and actually only stayed with him for the childrens sake, she said he had trapped her when younger and made sure she got pregnant to bog her down with his children)
she said didn’t want to be with her husband, hated him even wished him dead and that she would be leaving him once her youngest child was old enough.
Like a fool I fell for her sob story and the initial feelings I had for her grew stronger by the day and she made it obvious she wanted me, meanwhile I am still being cheated on by my long distance partner so I decided to end it as I was growing very close to my office friend and it was only a matter of time and sure enough we ended up lovers. At first she could not pay me enough attention but then out of the blue stated that it was only ever going to be sex, and she couldn’t wait for the next session, I was devastated and I told her so, I also said that I couldn’t remain just as lovers as I had feelings for her, she responded with well if that’s how you feel I respect that, then a few coolish days later, she returned to chatting to me and over coffee actually said that I shouldn’t wait for her and that I should find another lover but when she leaves her husband she will look for me, this was the start of the narcissistic game that I was unaware of, I said so are you going to leave him? she said yes but not until the time is right and that I should find a new relationship until she was ready to leave him, I didn’t want another woman anyway but asked, “so could you handle me sleeping with another woman then”? she replied no (she was a very jealous person) so I said “so it wouldn’t work then” and she replied no it wouldn’t,
that was the beginning of the end for it was decided there and then that I would remain faithful to her while she was still with her husband “till the time was right” and then she would leave him for me. this lasted 3 years, the first 6 months she was devoted to me and although it was hard knowing she was going home to her husband every night she paid me the love and affection I had always wanted and I felt I was doing the right thing.
Anyway 6 months down the line I saw the first red flag, a new guy started in the office and it was like she was hypnotised, she literally threw herself at him and virtually ignored me, after a week she suddenly noticed that I had noticed and she made a comment “I don’t like him hes a c**t” reverse psychology as she really meant the opposite, they would disappear from the works premises together for up to an hour (she only lived 2 minutes drive away) and I eventually confronted her and asked straight out did I have anything to worry about ? she took me in her arms and looked straight in my eyes and said she would never cheat on me or hurt me and that she was only doing it to take the heat of us!! yes I know i’m a fool but when the love goggles are on its surprising what you will believe and she was looking right into my eyes without a blink as she said it now no one can do that right? wrong I now know a narcissist is capable of direct focussed lying!! things changed in the affection department from then on however I still hung on but the affection and time for me from her grew less and less, we would argu about it and a couple of times we split, once for a couple of weeks (where I was begging her to come talk to me which she ignored saying she needed time) in the end I just said look if your not coming back then just say so so I can start moving on, she suddenly agreed to meet and came back, a few months later I found out she was sexting a guy we both knew and we had a big row, somehow turned it on me like I was at fault and I spent 6 weeks in turmoil again until I said id had enough and she came back, over this period I caught her lying and confused asked her about it and she immediately went into a rage accusing me of using things against her, we would fall out and again it was me who begged to come back, this happened on a number of occasions and in the end if I caught her lying I just didn’t say anything to keep the peace.
so 2 1/2 years in things got really bad, shes now been working at a new firm for a year and I hardly saw her I asked a few times if she still wanted to eventually be with me and she would reply yes however the loving messages and general interest were virtually none existent.
During the last 6 months since I last saw her, (she doesn’t make the effort to come see me yet I still remain faithful to her) things have gone from bad to worse apart from good morning emails she ignores all the others from me declaring my undying love, went on a works night out (my work / her old work) and didn’t even tell me to give us the opportunity to spend some time in one anothers company. couldn’t even say I love you back to me on valentines day first time in 3 we have been together she hasn’t said it, hides her posts on fb from me and ignores me when I put a loving message up for her only when I saw her online, then hides her online status from me so I can no longer see when shes active, I asked and she said she hadn’t, must be your fb!!!! I this week after mentally torturing myself just asked her outright in an email, told her I still loved her dearly but if its not reciprocated she needs to tell me, wouldn’t answer me in the evening of our mails so I mailed thenext morning saying if she didn’t want me anymore but didn’t have the guts to tell me then don’t bother answering this and Ill have my answer, she answered with “I don’t know what I want” this is what she did twice last year stating “she needed time” I know see it as she doesn’t want me but doesn’t want me to move on so she will always have me to hoover back up if she gets bored with whatever has peeked her interest this last 6 months, I couldn’t believe she could be so cruel and sly, how can she treat me like this, ive put my life on hold for this woman while she continues her life with her husband spend every night, weekends, birthdays, holidays, xmas’s on my own while I wait for her for 3 years now and she sends me a sly well thought out mail to keep me on a leash!!!! I thought about it for a few hours and thought….. nah ive had enough of this one way street, so I put a post up on fb saying taking a break to let fb friends know, then that night I deleted my account and closed my email account that she would normally send messages to me on, unfollowed her on Instagram and left it at that, i’m seriously only a few days in but have gone NC and will try my best to remain so
Wow. was in one too but I felt trapped cuz i was married and had a child with my narc. 3 years since my final separation from that evil. stay no contact no matter what and time will heal you.
You deserve better. You sound like you have a lot of capacity to love and will heal and move on.
Take very good care of yourself and good luck.
Wow, literally in the middle of trying to break free from this type of relationship right now. We started out as really good friends about 2 years ago. I was always concerned about losing the friendship if things got more serious, which they did about a year ago. I knew this would be an intense emotional relationship as soon as I met her – but I wasn’t afraid of that. As things progressed she had to manipulate every little thing in our relationship to make sure that she was the center of attention All of the time. I love her and I enjoy caring about/for her. Outside of our life together she lives a really nasty lifestyle and I’m tired of dealing with it. I care, but it steals all of my emotional energy. I recently (2 weeks ago) decided that I couldn’t do this anymore. Didn’t see her our communicate with her at all.
There is definitely some peace starting to come back to my life, but there is also a huge void. I know realize who much of my physical and emotional energy I gave to the relationship. Literally today she texts me “I miss you” and “I love you”. The next ones will be “I’m sorry, I was going through some difficult times, I need you…,” Sounds weird, but takes all strength I have not to hold on to her. I am going to do my best to stay completely disconnect, but it will be hard.
I’m going through something very similar, my narcissistic ex has only let me go a week and 2 days without interaction. Have you been able to ignore your ex? That’s the hardest part for me, letting go of thinking they may really change.
Good luck! It’s quite the road ahead.
Hi Kelly – Thanks for the encouraging words. For the most part I have. I have been out of town for 2 weeks and that made it easier to ignore her. Fewer texts and calls from her which have also made it easier. However, she called yesterday and I picked up and talked to her – first time in 4 weeks that I heard her voice. Nothing serious in the conversation. Basically “hi, how are you”. Although at the end, she told me she’s trying to make some changes in her life and she hoped we could talk about them soon. I am definitely doing better than when I originally posted here. I still think about her a lot, but it’s not constantly like it was a few weeks ago. I know I can’t have a conversation with her about the “changes” she making in her life. Too much of a risk of me going back into a relationship with her.
Hope your situation is going well. Even if no one else understands or cares, we still have to acknowledge/celebrate each small “victory’s” we have in putting some distance between us and the old relationships.
HI I have been with a narcissist for 7 painful years. I have been studying articles on this disorder and I finally had to face the fact that he is a narcissistic psychopath. I had my life all planned out and because I had this raging, attention seeking, abusive individual in my life I thought my life was over. I was almost or either I was addicted to this man’s sex and lies I think. He would not hold a job, he constantly bragged on himself but talked very bad about me and others. He was always angry and fussing daily at peak hours of the morning while me and my 2 sons were asleep, as if he was deliberately trying to be heard as if what he had to say was more important than our sleep. He used me till I simply grew tired and out of love with him and he put his hands on me at times trying to force me to obey him with rage. I am a loving woman especially toward my family and did everything in his power to put a wedge between us, but I fought. I still found myself doing less an less of my usual activities. I got out and I intend to stay out.
Hi Kelly and Mike!
I recently got dumped for the 10th time this year and Im doing okay but I know he is eventually going to try talking to me but I want to be done but I always give him so many chances! it is so hard to let him go because I love how we used to be before! I keep thinking maybe he is right and I am the problem and maybe I can “fix” myself! I miss him so much and I keep thinking about him, I feel so alone and sad. Even though he was so cruel it was still him I was used to. We had good days but only when he wanted to, and I was always so nervous and anxious because I never knew if he was happy or mad at me. Constantly belittled me. He said I never loved him or made him feel like a man. that I was only good for money and thats not love. I hope we all become strong enough to let go for good and be happy. I can’t tell you how hard I have prayed that he never calls me again and I don’t want him.
am been certain in my own mind that ive finished with my ex who controled me for the past ten years of not really being any were but prison he would always go back onto drugs cause my life to be in turmol and go and do what he liked by leaving me to pick up what pieces i had to put togetheir to be a parent to pur son six he has recently got of prison and ive let myself down by letting him stay a night even though i will say hes never cared for me or his son why do i find myself lonely and call him and try to get him to maybe speak nice to me ive saw me pure try all day and night to get a reply from him i leave some really heartfelt texts which he dosent even read so how can i fulfill myself to stop myself contacting him i feel so lonely at times i know if i meet some mix company i would see that i deserve more
WOW this hits home big time. My parents are the narciissists. My mother more then my dad they have been together for 54 years break-up often my mom will just kick my dad out, he moves on she entangles him again he goes back so on and so forth. I was more their therapist then daughter I know things about my parents life that no kid adult or otherwise should know about. My dad comes crying to me and wants me to fix everything, drags me into the emotional drama saying he is never going back, then goes back. I cannot do it anymore!! Breaking free was the best thing for me even though it has not been that long its amazing the weight that is lifted. No longer being told in ways I am not good enough. I went through Breast Cancer am a 6 year survivor and my mom had the nerve to compare me to a friend who has great cleavage (after my double mastectomy) I have reconstruction but it will never be good enough as her words keep playing in my head!! 🙁 Or her faking cancer twice ect..Hurts big time!!!
Thankful for my husband who really loves me as this is so different then what I was raised with..
Just want to heal now, its a process I am worth love, I am love no longer an object for your control. Facing the truth and freeing my soul.
Thanks so much for the article and venting!!
I’m currently going through the break up of my narcissistic ex within the last few days. He cheated on me and went to say that it was my fault from something that happened a year ago. Just curious if you guys ended up blocking you ex in a social media age? How did that turn out? I’m ready to have my stand but need some guidance. Thank you
In response to Erica’s post, I didn’t block her at first, but I did recently. An added benefit to blocking her was that it lessens the temptation for me to check her FB page.
I’m several months into this and I’m doing much better.
Good luck. Be patient.
My X blocks me, whenever he is seeing someone. Then will unblock me to stalk me. I am sure that he blocks me so that whomever is his next target can’t see anything that was posted between the two of us when we were together … We were married, or so I thought (he never sent in the marriage license) so when I finally left him… it took him exactly 3 weeks to marry the girl he was cheating on me with. They are now divorced, he waited an additional week before Marrying the next one. I left and I survived …. but if I had not moved several states away, I’m not sure I wouldn’t still be in the cycle.
OMG Erica, mine said the same thing repeatedly. I told him to f*** off and then he called me 2 days after drunk and said that he is moving on with a new girl. I said ok. Thats it. I was in a 4 year relationship with him but mostly it was torture and painful. I am so affected by the break up…it took a toll on me mentally and physically. I am trying to stay strong and positive. Its difficult but i dont want to go down that road again. He will try all tricks including humiliating you and dragging your family in if necessary, pay no attention and let him be. He is in denial.
I have been Ima relationship with abusive person for one year. Thank god, no longer. I am usually a strong woman and he caught me at a vulnerable state, I believe. He promised me the world and I feed into it. He was means to mean to his son, my son, and me. After I got custody of my bros girls and he cussed me out in front of them I had to go. He said I was lazy, cheating , and a liar. He even had me believing that the people of my job were talking about me. I left for him after 7 yrs. WOW!
Didn’t realize it had been almost a year since I originally posted here.
It’s been close to a year since I heard from my ex. A couple of days ago she started texting me out of the blue. She has a new # and it caught me a little off guard. I hadn’t completely forgotten about her, but I don’t think about her that often. We exchanged texts and it was pretty pleasant conversation. The next day she texts again and suggests how she would like to meet up soon. I didn’t reply for a while. My first thoughts went immediately to the good times we had and maybe it would be a good idea.
I then started to remember all of the BS and drama that she created in my life. More importantly, I realized how much my life has changed for the better. Freeing up the emotional space that she took up has allowed me to have some really good people to come into my life. Looking back I can also see how my increased focus on my business has paid off as well. While it was kinda nice to hear from her, I can now look back and see that life is much better now. I’m not going to see her and I’m happy to be at peace with that decision.
Wow, this article and these stories are somewhat reassuring that I really am not crazy. I met my ex almost 10 years ago and within 2 months of us knowing each other, I got pregnant. I was only 17. If I could’ve seen into the future, I would’ve had my baby and never talked to him again. But of course it was quite the opposite. After I told him I was pregnant, I started digging into his social media (once again, we barley knew each other) and discovered he already had a child and pictures of his child and the mother of his child everywhere. I confronted him about it and he assured me that was his brothers kid, NOT his. So, me being young and naive, I go along with it. During my pregnancy, he ends up in jail serving a 1 year term. Before he went, I had ceased contact with him because I found out he was lying about his child and was just very immature and did not act like a father I’d want my baby around. Well while he was in jail, I ended up writing a letter and sending sonogram pictures etc because I felt guilty and thought maybe he really will step up and be a man and a good father when he gets out (I know, young and naive). It ended quickly as he told me to stop contacting him as he was trying to make it work with his kids mother. I was shocked but planned on just raising my baby alone and left him alone. When my daughter was about a year old, he somehow got my number and called me out of the blue saying he regrets not being involved and his relationship ended and he realizes he was a p.o.s etc.. I eventually let him come to my apt and he would love bomb me and make me believe he was so great and on top of it all, I had a great big happy family. The niceness was short lived and he eventually went back to his ex, then back to me, then back to his ex, then back to me until she finally had enough and moved on and got in a healthy relationship and never entertained him again. Now he was mad and blamed me for her moving on even though he had to be with me (God forbid he ever be alone). So I end up pregnant again. Throughout my entire pregnancy, he was mean and used me and cheated on me constantly. I had no back bone and did anything he ever desired just to make him love me as much as I loved him. He didn’t ever work or have a job this entire time, but of course I had a full time job and he financially drained me along with my soul. I didn’t care at the time. I look back now and don’t see how I put up with it all but I did. I ended up having my son alone at the hospital while he was out in my car having ($#¥) with a stripper. He was supposed to pick me up but he was “embarrassed” of having to carry a car seat up to me. WHAT?. My mom ended up coming to get us from the hospital and drove me to my car which had a flat tire, used condom thrown next to it, and girls makeup inside. And I just had his baby but nope, somehow I got over this too because I continued to let him come back and leave and come back and leave and walk all over me for years. He ended up meeting a young girl (15 y/o to be exact) and started grooming her and mind f-ing her (and me) so I went along with just assuming she was a friend. Well 7 years later, as of recent, that is who he lives with now- and is now a stripper) I grew a backbone somewhere as I matured from a young woman to an adult and no longer put up with his complete nonsense- period. He no longer had access to my money, if he even got close to acting like he was going to get violent, I would call the cops immediately, I would not allow any pass codes or secret affairs and made sure of that or else I was DONE. I made him get a job and start being a man and a good father. Surprisingly he seemed to like when I was firm and aggressive and no-nonsense with him. Maybe he felt like he had structure. I was boss now and it kind of made things calm for a while. I felt like he actually respected me and listened to me when I would ‘boss’ him around. I probably even took things a little too far sometimes while enjoying my new power. Although I was the boss, I was still not happy. I felt like I was his mother and had to be his secretary and make sure he didn’t miss appointments or blah blah blah and it eventually led to us breaking up and him going off with the stripper girl- this went on and on and on for 7 years- him leaving me to be with her and then coming back home to ‘his family’ and love of his life, his ‘soul-mate’ and he was just using her for money and blah blah blah. Well, he ended up getting her pregnant and she now has his baby (although he denies it’s his- but what should I expect- he denied his other 3 too at first)..I had enough and told him to just leave and leave me alone. Now he’s been with her for about a month and he’s already trying crawling back home about 3 or 4 times and I must admit, it is sometimes hard to resist my ‘comfort zone’ and ‘family’. But I have to remember that he is not normal and nothing will ever change. I may still be somewhat naive in thinking he truly does love me, we are just opposites, but maybe I just tell myself that because it saves my ego. We came a lonnnng way from the complete and udder jaw dropping events in the beginning up until recent and I feel like I should get an award for ‘changing’ him as much as I have in a way. He is still a narc, still immature, still is always right, always wants to debate with people, always wants to ‘show-off’, still is irresponsible, but a piece of me is just down right sad. I would consider myself successful, financially secure, attractive, smart, and caring – and no I am not trying to ‘toot my own horn’, but I never had problems getting a guy or have any ‘baggage’ he claims I have that will prevent me from moving on (aka my children)- they are a blessing and I’m sure any man that I ever get serious with (not for a long time) will be a 100% improvement from him. I know moving on is what’s best for my children and I and I just wanted to come here to share my story even though it is pretty embarrassing to finally admit all the stuff I put up with, I am thankful I am not alone.
Damn I needed this. I continue to read things like his to stay awake and not get sucked in. My narcissistic abuser was sadly but thankfully (because I learned quick) my first ever boyfriend. Guess what I’m in so deep that he lives with me in my apartment while I’m in college. ( I can’t move because I have to stay close for school and the apartments nearby are not ready to rent yet) My mind can not take this but I’m staying as strong as possible. I pay all the bills, Food, every single thing I mean like serious mom duties for this person, everything while he “trys” to find work, and it’s been like this since we been together. He has pushed his financial problems on me, thankfully I’m surviving good enough but I could definitely do better. Since reading articles like this I’ve figured out and been omg’d at the fact that I was definitely LOVEBOMBED. He made me feel like a fuckin angel. Always wanted to kiss and hold and be around me and want to hang out and want all of my time. Then I caught him…..it wasent until 5 months later but I caught his lying ass. He moved to live wit his friend to find work because he desperately needed it and his small town was not cutting it so I was supportive even though I was gonna miss him so much. He left (only to move back to his parents because like narcissistics men they never think things through) and I remember he told me his Snapchat password and I logged in just to see like to check if he was just staying true I didn’t have suspicions I was just like let’s look cause he couldn’t be, and there it was..him calling a girl beautiful and asking if he could take her out eat and just flirting sayig he wanted to see her. I was heart broken. So much. He didn’t even have money to take me anywhere and I payed for everything cause I felt sad he never got to do anything as a kid he said. He hasent had a car since we have been together(2yrs). My first ever person i have been open with emotionally and even sexually has betrayed my trust. That was only the start… after 7 more of these with ex girlfriends, ex friends with benefits, or girls that he called “crazy” I’m finally deciding to leave. I don’t care if his family doesn’t love him or if he will lose everything (all the childhood sob stories he told me) I’m leaving because I am realizing I do not want to be with someone where I’m always scared and cant trust/doesn’t even care about my trust. But apparently I’m dumb,stupid, and weak for feeling that way. Add Bitch to the end of all those and that tells you pretty much how that conversation with him really went. I’m Not letting him effect me anymore because I don’t care anymore and you know what happens when a girl doesn’tcare anymore. I can’t wait to move out, get my own apartment, get extremely focused back on school and just live in positivity and become whole again on my own. Wish me luck.
Stay strong and do it and keep on reading to remind yourself this is NOT normal, his behavior!! I hope you made it out and just stay no contact forever!
This is my first time reading your blog and it was so meant-to-be! I have always questioned whether my mom falls into this category and reading your post brought tears to my eyes. So true and so revealing….I am looking forward to following your blog!
I just broke up with a narcissist – we were together 2.5 months. Your article epitomized him perfectly. He was charming – and then mean. It was confusing. I am a strong personality but confused by his manner. He was good looking – money. I have money and I’m attractive so everyone said we were perfect until the fighting started. He blamed me and I thought I should look inwardly and take at least 50% responsibility. But then I realized he wanted to fight….looked for it…and then the presents in between. Also manipulated me into buying airline tickets to Hawaii…of course broke it off right before the trip. I will not respond to his texts…think it is driving him crazy but I don’t care. Good riddance- just feel sorry for the next victim.
Don’t know if you will ever read this, but any update on how you’re doing? My ex (of only 2 days) was this also, good looking, charming, I was an angel and perfect in his eyes…so he would say. But would flirt with other women and lie to me. He would blame me for any male attention I would get and go as far as to say I planned for it to happen to upset him. It has been hard and lonely but I am tying to stick to my guns about it. He has hurt me more than anyone in the world in our short 8-9 months and he will never accept that or care to because that’s just who narcissist are.
Thanks for that post – it really describes my story.
For me it was worse, as I can only now see that my ex was a narcissist. Not sure why it was so hard to see it during and also after the breakup.
The first 2 years were full of happiness with him – with 1st being just like honeymoon. I thought I was so lucky to have someone like him – like winning the lottery!
Then 1-2 years the problems started & then 1 last one with his total indifference and he constantly putting the blame on me for all. I was too emotional, too attached to him (while at first he wanted that so much!) too fragile, too demanding, I was not trying for my appearance & did not want to get better for him etc.. He broke up with me eventually but he wanted to stay friends to help me feel better as he stated!
I thought he simply cared for me and wanted to help me with my pain of the breakup. I begged and cried to take me back as I was feeling devastated – but he was not interested in being with me anymore as he already had some affairs.
So after months I gathered all my strengths and managed to recover and become happy again and start dating too. He kept talking to me and I thought we could be friends – this is what he was also telling me. Once I started to date again though, that is when he came back crawling to ask for a chance to us – he saw I was finally over him and his ego could not stand it.
The whole ‘let’s be friends and talk’ was only his means to control me and know when to jump in.
He started calling and begging and promising all the things a woman would need. Just like at first honeymoon period.
Once I told him that it is too late and I am not in love anymore with him, he became that angry and started to yell and de-evaluate me: “You are so broken that you do not deserve a guy like me, why the hell did I cared for someone like you, I can have a better woman that you, you will only regret it, you are simply blind not seeing what I offer you, I have other women begging me already, you are a fool etc etc..
This is when I understood it was always about himself. He simply wants to win the game – nothing else. His ego is suffering from me not being his supply anymore – he never really cared for my feelings. I would be the great woman If I were with him, but If not, I would instantly become the worst! Just like the tag “With him” or “Without him” was adding and removing value from me!
It took me 8 years to understand that he was simply a narcissist! How fool I have been…!!
But now, at least, even so late, I know and I simply shut the door to him – the wounds are still there but now I can make it. It needs recovery as he managed to make my self-esteem to fall so low.
Thank you all for sharing your stories – strength and hope to all of us, we are victims but I am sure we can overcome it!!
My ex of 8 years:
-I dont’ give explanations
-I dont say I am sorry. Thats for weak people
-I cheat and live a double life for 1,5 years with the mother of my child and the naive girl I had moving all across the globe
– I drink in excess and get rude and mock on my partner
-I push boundries until people give in, especially my naive girlfriend
-I love sex without a condom and I broke the mental health of 2 ex girlfriends who took abortions
– I am an eeentrepreneur, because I cant work for others
– I fail as an entrepreneur time after time just as I failed school, and I owe money to my best friend and the banks
-Buut my dad has me living at his house for free and I hate him. But I use him. At least he pays my bills
– My girlfriend pays my bills too.
-I like that others sort of work for me, included my soom to be wife. I build my dreams and she works at the office 8 hours. She pays my biøls now
– I got mad with my fiancee because she wanted a pre nup and I made her life a living hell. She had to cancel the wedding and make a fool out of herself. Doesnt matter..she chose the worst date anyway
– I am special. I could even be the president one day. I just need to get involved in politics
– I talk non stop
– I talk a lot about rich people and celebs
-I get offended when my fiancee tells me to turn down the volume on the tv at 11 pm
– I tell her how selfish and cheap she is when she got upset when I took her last pizza
– I dont buy her gifts
– I love my daughter, because..well I mean…she loves me so much. She gives me so much love
– I give my daughter of 8 silent treatment today. She did not call me. I always call her.
– I give people the impression of being a great dad, but as soon as she needs help with some boring stuff, Im out.
– I love to do fun stuff with my daughter
– I dont care if my fiancee has fever, I will get mad if she doesnt have sex with me
– I future fake. I proposed to her, but before the wedding I told her she was silly to think I would bother to move to her town as I promissed (shes soo naive)
– I fight with my ex..I still hate her for the 2 years she kept my daughter away. ( I did not pay childsupport, I had been violent, I had cheated big time, I called 1 time in 2 years)
– I prefer not to work than to work at the super market
– Ive had 16 -18 girlfriends
– I lie
– stupid people deserves to be punished
– I see woman as the host of the babies, so actually woman should ask permission to the men before taking abortions
– my own das keeps a lock on his door because I opened the door with my visa card too many times. I
– I dont respect peoples privacy. I get mad if somebody opens my letter, but I have checked my fiancees computers, phones and diaries
– I expect my woman to be next to me at parties with the bros, but NO way I will go to her lame parties
– I believe I am gifted. I think of a song, and suddenly it comes on the radio
– I dress up in nice clothes, but they are all from the year I managed to make money. I did spend it all on me…no savings
– Blew off my heritage as well by a bad investment
– I left my fiancee pretending I had tried to the bitter end..( but I terrorist her brain before the wedding by the hot- cold game and a lot of crazy making…even her boss gave her permission to be home because she had a break down again
– She nagged too much. Wanted me to drive her to the doctor, why the f..would I bother..I think it was her femi nazi mother who wanted me to join. I did, stayed for 20 mins and left her the car. I walked home to my play station.I dont like when she ” uses me”
I have the big tv. I decide what music we put in the car. I need the window open, even if my fiancee is sick.
that was awesome and I know unfortunately true. A narc’s view to the tee!
100% accurate and scary similar to my ex-narc bf of 2 years.
A lot of interesting insight and I love reading people’s comments. I am the one who broke it off with the charming N I was with 6 years. He wooed and swayed me and I developed panic and fear of his temper ( we lived together 5 years, 3 of those years I plotted how I would get out!!!) I was not madly in love with him, I do not want him back, yet I felt ( and still sometimes feel and am trying to get past this) feelings of pity/compassion for him. I guess because his good side ( love of animals mainly) …I have been doing no contact for a few months with a couple slips. Last night I emailed him because he had told me his mom died. I was torn. So I wrote a light short sympathy note, and he emailed back a bunch of stuff he had been dealing with and said he wanted to see me. I deleted the email , did not respond. But I feel I am getting stronger and will at some point be able to say no more. OR I will be able to just not communicate with him anymore. I still am trying to figure out why I care. But I think because I am a softy who looks at peoples good sides is why. And I have to remember his bad side hurts me! I am protecting myself more! And today was a turning point. I feel really good !
HELP!! Omg this is what I’m going through and worse! Together 8 years married 7 of them! He LITERALLY saved me from a man extremely abusive man ( one of several abusive nales in my life) HE SPENT 2 years convincing me to hold my head up be proud of myself, made me feel all the unconditional love I had dreamed of, I felt safe special and loved. He’s gone now too! Same body same face but the man I married and trusted is suddenly gone.im in financial ruin I’m losing my business, ( which was actually for him but in my nane) losing my vehicle, my home,and we fight constantly. He’s mean and scary and I’m on the verge of suicide because he was all I ever wanted. It’s tearing me apart and I can’t make it stop! He rarely in the last three years comes home at all. Blames me for everything! Says I cut him down and he doesn’t know how to make me happy, he has sent me a pic of a noose,I walked in during one fight and he had a gun to his head….it’s horrible.but I’m co defendant and I love him. Or the him I had before. Crying is all I do st least 20 Hours per day. I’m so alone! I can’t take this! And I can’t make myself leave!!!! The lies are incredible!! I don’t know how to escape!in dying from the inside out every day. How can someone NOT CARE AT ALL???!
So many good stories. I had a long waiting game with my x. Friends with biking interest for a year dated 3. months then he didn’t talk to me again since I got mad of his coldness towards me. 4 years later reconnected and we were pulled back like it was just yesterday.
First year, I complained how come he would.never take me out to eat?. how come he keep sending kisses on text daily to single girls? How come he won’t invite me to his group meets? How cone i waited 4 years to rise with him and mow waited one year more? How come he organizes and event and no ticket for me?
I believed all his excuses because he said he loves me and that he will try harder to be honest and try to spend more time with me. Another year goes by.. put my foot do w. About attending his group hangover. ( became the only one that he took me to). I was officially recognized as girlfriend now in front of his friends. He tells everyone all is.good.
Everyone I complain how come you didn’t call me for 24 hours or 3 days. He would day. I was busy. I’m calling you now
You don’t want me to call? I will hangup..
He has me waiting every weekend for the potential to have lunch with him. As he was working double.shift. I havent been able to take a single weekend trip for 2 years waiting
But as soon as we have an argument he would disappear for a few weeks and come back from vacation and tells me he didn’t have time to think of me at all. But he realizes he was a jerk to have let me go. Then I forgive him again.
I saw right from the beginning this was not someone I can have a long term relationship with.. But I am strongly attracted to.him.
Hard to find same chemistry. But I kept waiting for that day when we can go back to doing the fun things together.
All that happens is me yelling at him for lying again, for not calling me agaon.. he thinks being 10% honest is being honest. When i believe lying 10% of the time is still a liar. He changed the blame to me. “I’m shouting at him”. So he has to lie. ” If you find out I have 5 mins to talk to someone else and not.you? ” ” I just googled the pon”. ” my friends pay me to bring tjrm.porn”. “What the he’ll does it matter if i found the pic thru search or porn site.. here are the sites I go to.. go find it yourself:
I’m too busy driving back and forth to nj all day for 12 hours.. no time to text you. But I have time to post up on Facebook. Time to tell people where to get car parts and I didn’t want to look at the 30 missed calls. Nor did i look at phone. It’s in my desk. I’m having too much fun. I have to focus at work.
I have to give him multiple choices for him to have a conversations. Otherwise it’s all cartoons and who farted and who failed and what are they having for lunch or where my friends are eating or going.
He said my work and my passions are ask l boring. That is why he never looks at my fb. When he told me he no longer loves me. I said fine. Let’s be frends. And he is bitter. He wanted me to suffer more. I feel worried and relieved at the same time.
I just broke off a 7-year relationship. It’s an incredibly helpful article and sadly shocking to hear so many others have gone through my same experience. I’m fortunate, no marriage or kids. Blocked all my phones, etc. it feels like the key is to now just think of him as the NPD.. someone sad and to be pitied. That rather nips in the bud any thoughts of dwelling on the romantic phase for me. Keeping a list of hurtful occasions can be a big help too. Reminds me of what I went through when I quit smoking! Just remember, it’s them not us that’s the problem. Best to you all 🙂
I have recently been dumped by a guy, this is the third time and my psychologist who tried to help me the first time said he is most definitely a Narcissist.
Examples: My opinions never matter
I am always wrong and apologize even when it was not my fault
He would always accuse me of cheating and I’ve been cheated on before so for me that is a big NO NO
He will tell me he doesn’t have to be with me cause he can get any girl he wants
I literally ran circles around him, made dinners, found his apartment, surprise birthdays, dates you name it and it was never enough
He never did anything special for me except our first Valentine’s Day together
He constantly boast about himself and I don’t matter, whenever I was extremely ill twice his response would be okay.
He’s just broken up with me and told me he won’t come running back this time as he deserve more.
My jaw is dropping. This blog is my exact story. He was a prince at the beginning of our 4 yrs being everything I wanted & needed. He knew my former spouse took my trailer in our divorce and how it devastated me so he insisted on buying a trailer together. He became everything he knew I had taken from me in my 32 yr marriage to my former spouse.
All of the sudden this fall when we were a comfortable couple, he accused me out of the blue of cheating and being in love with 3 people. He drew up a total fantasy story about me and would not let me defend myself. I am devastated at the damage. I fell so hard for him and last month he came over and said he still loved me, left and 3 days later said that when he hugged me he felt nothing . He would have rages if you accused him of a lie,. He is full into another woman already but just called me and asked if I would help him with a project. I was floored and told him to leave me alone and go get his new woman. I feel sorry for her already.
I am so thankful I found this site. It has opened my eyes to why I cannot stop grieving and am having troubl getting past this.
Wow! Started to read your stories. Feel your pain!
Narc types go with emphatically types. You are not stupid or unworthy or whatever. You are simply a person who cares and loves a robot. They feel no guilt and take no responsability. I know my hubby had at least one (long) affair. I am not going to confront him, he will blame it on me that he put his penis in another woman’s vagina…
All naricsts cheat. They cheat because they have a feeling of entitlement and they constantlh need an ego boost supply.
If you have not find any trace, it is because previous women have made him very precacious.
Bebe run run run for the hills! I am worried about you! Don t worry to be judged by family, they love you. Give them a chance to help you. It is hard to do it on your own
My story: this guy with who I worked with courted me in the most romantic ways. He was awesome. Will take me for weekends away, spoil me rotten, make me feel so special! When he looked at me he had these puppy eyes like his life revolted around the love for me.
I married him 2 years ago.
He was living in another continent. Took me a year to manage to reach him. I left family and friends behind to become a wife.
In the meantime a colleague of him smelled off to me. But I didn t pay much attention.
I am quite an anxious person… I struggle to know when it is my intuition or my fearful mind.
I guess if it makes your stomach feeling tense, it is intuition. Otherwise only fear of the unknown and insecurity.
Once I move things become stagnant. He gives me for granted.
No more romantic trips, no more time togheter.
I felt invisible, but suffering from depression I thought was my issue.
There were many red flags all the way which I ignored:
He will keep withdrawing from me for days and days, not answering my emails/texts/phone calls
Once I had a car accident and ended up in the hospital. I called him with my shaky hand and in shock.
He played all the worried man, but never ever checked on me again that night. His phone was off. The hospital dismiss me at 5am, at some point I manage to get hold of him
His bs was that his phone was not working somehow and he felt aslepp.
I was so mad … I could have died and I was under shock and the most importany person in my life fell asleep?
We had a fight over the phone, he hang up on me and rejected all the following phone calls.
I managed to get hold of him at around 2 am. He was drunk and at a party.
I didin t talk to him for a while, but I missed him. He managed to get somehow forgiven and i took him back.
This was long time ago. Since then he has withdrawn many times.
Recently i found some sexting (again) between him and the woman mentioned earlier on.
He lied to me that was all platonic
BS! I found pics of them when they went away for a weekend when I was visisting my mom who recovered from breast cancer. He literally left the very next day with the slutty colleague after driving me to apt the night before
Luckly I have found out about narcisists and sociopaths.
Not sure if he is a sociopath, but Narc 100%
Ladies: when you have enough proofs, do not confront him. It can be dangerous!
He has threatened me in the past he will trash talk me with family, friends and ruin my working reputation…
Take your evidence if you are married, keep being the boring wife attitude so he can t be bothered to check your web history or your phone and get ready to move out.
Don t play the “I am cool and I am going to screw you” because if he senses that, you are going to lose this war.
Remember he has the advantage of knowing your deepest fears and you are just a beginner.
He has been manipulative all his life. Which relationship number are you?
He has much advantage on you.
Think for yourself, be very smart and when you leave him make sure you drop all contacts with him.
The one thing they fear is being exposed. Do not tell the reasons why you are leaving them, or they will play the sales men tecnique. Plus don t give them the advantage to know what you hold against them. It can be dangerous.
my husband is not a bad person per se, he is just not interested in me
Since I found out the”platonic” emotional affair, I was expected him to make everything possible to show me he was sorry
I expected him in bed crying my eyes off, hoping he will walk in the room and comfort me. Telling me I was important and loved and special
He never did. The first evenings he showed up late and drunk, as he didn t wanted to be confronted. Never showed me the love I kept asking for, never changed his fb profile pic with us to let me know he was making it loud and clear to the other woman I was the one I loved, never wanted to go to couple counsel therapy and nevee acted on his words
Actions speak louder than words.
He keeps saying he loves me and he want to make this work, but before I found the pics of them away for a weekend I was the only one working on forgiving him.
I am not going to confront him with pics because he will blatantly lie. No point
Also something I read above… also my husband never compliments me. I am a very attractive woman and never compliments me
He says thta he doesn t do compliments… BS!
To me he was often talked highly about his coworkers, including the slutty one. She js incredibly smart, but lazy
Victims: do NOT take it personally. He never loved and he is just a needy immature child. He is never going to change.
Get your precious ass out of this ugly situation. Grieve as much needed and learn how to spot these kind of toxic people.
No matter how wealthy, funny or whatwver he is… you don t want to spend your life getting checked for Std, don’t you?
I am going for a STD test today… wish me luck!
Ps I found in his car an empty box of an antibiotic used for vaginal yeast infection. Given also to men apparently. Today while I am going to get tested, will ask in which cases if is given to men
But again… I guess is to cure this vaginal yeast infection
It is not your fault. He/she don’t have feelings. Robots. Forget the beginning when he swept you off your feet. He was just acting…
you leave him and it will take days to replace you. He can t stay alone.
Even if you fly for a week to see your unwell mom… he can t bare to be not appreciated.
Learn the lesson and move on/
We can do it!
Actually since I found out it is a clinicql issue, I am relieved… i thought I was unlovable… but he is the problem.
I feel sorry for him. He is miserable.
He is a very successful man.. they often are, as they have no problems to cut throats to arrive where they want..
Happy Women’s day! Love yourself!
I’m fresh out of a relationship and we are all in the same boat. I’m angry and sad but also happy I got out. He did pretty much what a Narcissist does the abuse,cold shoulder and he cheated(thought I didn’t know).I’ve written a diary to purge my feelings and started eating healthier and exercising to keep a healthy mind.They make you feel like you are going insane.I couldn’t handle it anymore. I blocked him and so far he got the message. I’d helped him through his sister’s death recently that’s how he sucked me back in then after a few months he showed his true colours and blamed me for fully supporting him and packing up his sister’s belongings saying he wished he never contacted me. I was dumbfounded. As doing a nice thing helping him after he asked for it was the wrong thing.There is no figuring out the Narcissist they are a maze you never can figure out.Stay Positive to you all and know you are a kind and generous soul who can’t be broken. Move on,it will be tough but you are worth it.Set yourself free from these mongrels who suck the life out of us.
Hi all great woman! I have stoppad all contact with My ex narc (more cerebral type, smart and emotionally sbusive) he ess My collegue and helped me egen I started working in that group. I soon fell in live but he wasnt . He was married so I did not do anything . I was in a relationship as well. Then a day he fell in Love an started Love bombning me. Didnt knew IT was that at that time but I was flattered and he wanted emidiate Marry me. I hesitated and tjis continued long Two years and then he became strange propably discarding me. I then left My boyfriend and Aldo he separated his wife. We started to meet but IT was strange and then I askes him IF We vad something, no he Said -its sad but Im not where you are?! Ok I Said then We need not to have Any further contact , have a good life and I hang up on him in the telephone. I contacted him ond more time after that and We are lunch and in that I make IT clear to him that I liked other men better!! IT felt so good since he had made me feel so bad ugly and not good enough but I figured out that he had some strange psycho thing and narcissist I read about on internet. IT gave me the strenghe to end IT. He felt not good without his wife WHO admire him and his little gang IF stephchildren didnt contact him he seperated I think he could not live with so little supply urghhh:( he is now back with his wife and use collegues (We dont work at the same place now, Please change fot your oen sake ) but is trying to make me jealaous IF her. I am sometimrs but then I remenber his narc side but I have blicked him on Fb and not speak to him when We meet ehich mdkr him angett I think. Hope fot new Love fot me . Please live them. Im so happy I have children before I mer him so that he dud not stoppad that. Leave them fysically no contact then you see that you like Living again. Love C
I really enjoyed reading this article. I am currently in the process of leaving my husband whom I’ve been with for 5 years. Everything you said about a narcissist perfectly descibes him. He keeps texting and calling trying to tell me that if I stay he will change and blah blah blah. I’ve heard it so much it makes my stomach churn. I have tried to leave a million times but this time just seems to be the kicker. I sat in bed this morning rationalizing thinking that maybe he will change and then I read this post. I know I have a lot more going for me. I finish nursing school in a little less than 5 months. Until then, I will live with a friend in a income based apartment with my 2 year old. It’s hard but I know it’s for the better. Thanks so much for your post!
I love reading this article. I have been in this type of relationship for the last 7 years. My narcissistic man, was or is I would say not an extreme narcissistic, but one none the less. Every step you describe in your article, I have been there. I have left a few times and always get pulled back in. I am a smart person and by being one, I thought I could help him. In that I wasn’t wise. You can never change them. I left again. One week and a half ago. I can see this time for good. Why? because he has no power over me anymore. The love, compassion, tenderness, etc, anything good I felt, is gone and I am glad. I don’t even have anger towards him. I can see the real him. And he is discussing. Selfish, angry, shallow, fake, there is nothing inside that human shell to even make him human, much less a being. I am grateful for all I learned, for how much I have grown, for the fact that I can love, I can feel empathy, I can think, I can feel compassion and because I am ME. My light has been restored to proper owner. ME. If anyone going thru the experience I went thru, I say: stop letting your light be used by someone who has only darkness… without you… they don’t have a self… but that is not important… without you being by them… YOU would shine, and that is what matter, Leave.
I’m so hurt iv been with my man only a year and it was amazing when I first met him he was so in love with me all about me just wanted me me me wAntes me around 247 loved me adored me then all of a sudden he turned chose what I wore threw out my clothes sometimes destroying them as he didn’t want a fake slut he didn’t want me in anything low cut or tight or girly at all I was not aloud to do my hair or make up etc etc not aloud to see my freiNds drink with out him I had a bedtime I had to obey even when I was not with him he would text and tell me to go to bed then he cheated I found out we had a fight then got back together then he got very obsessed with me taking me to work with him etc then bam he tells me he only wants to see me at certain times and days and he doesn’t want contact inbetween at all but he loves me and wants a relationship with me bur when I am there he tells me he wishes I was not there and he wants me to leave and I’m not aloud to talk or make conversation at all I broke up with him and it’s been a few days iv herd nothing will I hear from him again
I’m sorry, I really need to get this out, I am dying inside and upset/sad. I can’t tell my family or friends. I am an idiot. Staying with this guy for 9 years. Not only is he a Narc who is emotionally and verbally abusive, he’s physically abusive. Just last night we broke up. But my stupid ass talked him into staying. I know in my heart and mind that it needs to end. I don’t know what’s stopping me with going through with it.
He loves to play mind games, twist stories around to make it my fault. He likes to one up me in literally everything. I have an office job where I am the breadwinner…he’s a welder who jumps from job to job because he’s bored but somehow he works and gets me everything. He likes to compare our material things, like my clothes and make up compared to his clothes saying i never get him anything. We haven’t slept together in years, because I can’t have kids is the reason why he won’t touch me. SO it’s been a love-less relationship for about 4 or 5 years.
I am so tired of walking on eggshells and trying not to get him upset. He is very cruel when he is mad. I am so verbally beaten I just take it and let him destroy my self esteem and personality. When I try to explain my side, he considers that “talking back” and hits me. If I flinch, he hits me. When I don’t run and hustle to clean up his messes he hits me, throws me down and tries to kick me. Many times he says “I just want to punch/kick you in the face”. I literally want to run away, but he’s so much bigger than me I am scared to death of him. I know I need to get out.
I am not myself when he’s around. I would rather be alone with my cats and enjoy life. He’s very mean to me and he says it’s because of me. He refuses to calm down and makes me “try different things” to calm him down, and everything I try, it’s wrong so he stays mad until he calms down on his own. My mind is so messed up now because of his mind games I literally freeze and my mind goes blank when he gets mad. I know I can survive without him financially. I make more than him. I just wish he would just leave on his own. We’ve broken up once before and he made me drive him 300 miles home. We were 10 miles from his home when he realized he didn’t want to leave and we ended up driving back to the city that very night. I have never felt so low. I literally don’t care if we make it. I don’t care if he’s talking to other girls. I have given up yet I choose to stay. I am a special kind of f***ed up. Thank you for listening, I literally have no one to talk to. 🙁
I’m listening. I know what it’s like not having anyone to talk to about this…or at least not having anyone understand the inner turmoil you feel. I’ve been through the ringer with my ex. I just got the courage to walk out on him.this past Sunday. I went no contact immediately but for someone reason. Instead of feeling relieved that I finally am out…it feels like I’m dying inside. Its driving me crazy…I can’t sleep and I just feel this pain isn’t going to end. I don’t know what the answer is exactly to move forward or even encourage you to leave…but I know this wouldn’t out Rather get out while you still can? I’ll tell you this much…I spent sleepless nights with him sometimes crying right beside him trying to muffle my tears in the pillow..at least this way now I can spend my nights crying as loud as I want without being reprimanded. I can also laugh as much as want….I look forward to that day when I will truly laugh again. So as much it sucks right now to endure the long agonizing process of recovery-it still alot better than being his proverbial door Matt and punching bag…at least one day I’ll be able to laugh again….
It’s hard for me to leave my narc since it involves also leaving my job. He’s my boss. Which amplifies the narcissistic relationship to an unbearable level. Love this article and all the comments. There’s nothing like knowing that you are NOT alone. I just wanted to add that the feeling of not being good enough for me was also there but I’ve also realized that since I stopped stroking his ego he says I’m constantly criticizing him and that whatever he does is not good enough for me (am I the narc??). It feels like he can do no wrong. If he’s said something that wasn’t understood in a way that was confusing…it’s my fault for not understanding. He then becomes cool and sarcastic, (he knows sarcasm drives me crazy) and when I react to the sarcasm he says I’m the one that should apologize for getting upset. It feels like I’m in a relationship with a little boy. He doesn’t own up to anything he does or take responsibility when he’s said something hurtful. We’ll have big blowouts, he won’t talk to me for 2 or 3 days. I’ll break up with him and he comes back acting sorry although I can tell that he’s really not. We’ll be fine for a little while and it will start all over again despite the fact that I’ve told him that his cold shoulder for long periods of time is unacceptable and changing the way I feel about him. I think what happens when I leave him is he has time to realize that he’s not all that and the odds of him finding another female 11 years younger than him are slim. His wife left him once their kids were old enough and at first I couldn’t understand what was wrong with her for leaving such a great guy. Now I envy her freedom. In the midst of my loneliness and feelings of isolation and lack of confidence I am trying to find myself again. They won’t like it….they’ll sense you don’t NEED them as much as you used to and they’ll also start pulling away. Narcs need you to need them. He says he likes strong women but what he’s genuinely attracted to are women with obvious weaknesses or those who feed his ego. This may take awhile…breaking away from the narc, but even if it’s in baby steps….anyone involved with a narc should take the steps forward to end the insanity. They will not change.
Wow! This is scary. This is my ex- boyfriend in every way. We grew up together in the same neighborhood and messed around in high school but we weren’t in a relationship. We had mutual friends and we knew each other families. I had no idea his parents were narcissistic also. His dad was on drugs all of his life and his mom never cooked for them or pay any attention to him or his sister. To the outside world, they were the perfect family. Both parents had great jobs, dressed well and they went to catholic schools, but his parents were selfish, always put them down, and never show them any love.
We saw each other from time to time after high school and through adulthood, but we were strictly friends. After my separation from my husband after 10 years and I moved out we connected again,(I was 44)but this time we became a couple.
He is a very handsome guy, charming, smart, great sense of humor, great lover, and a great cook. Things started off fun. We would go out to dinners, do staycations in 5 star hotels or just chill at the beach.
The first violent account came on my birthday, when he got drunk. We were arguing, and he hit me. I immediately left, but ofcourse he kept calling saying he was sorry and love me. Like a fool I believed him and almost every month like clock work it was the same verbal, emotional, and a few times physical abuse. I do have to say he never cheated on me, he stopped drinking hard liquor and he was kind to me but he just couldn’t beat his demons.
It has been two years and I finally had the courage to leave him. He has been texting me everyday saying he’s sorry and to please forgive him. Its only been 1 week and I’m staying strong. I usually would go back to him by now. I’m miserable without him, but I have my peace of mind and dignity.
Now I know it’s impossible for him to love or have an ounce of compassion helps me not cave in. I know God will bless me with a man who will love me, respect me and won’t belittle me. Thank you for this article. You are saving lives and broken hearts.
I had to read these articles to make sense of what I have been putting up with for the last 2 and a half years. My N was a colleague for 3 years prior to us getting together. He was a Manager in the theatre I worked in. Everybody loved him. Good with people funny charismatic but soon as 4 months after we began a relationship he seemed to change. He would have mood swings out of the blue and I couldn’t make sense of it. I’d try to understand it and discuss it with him but he would give me the cold shoulder or act as if nothing had happened. Each time I felt hurt and it was soon to become a habit. Every couple of weeks he would cut me dead, not answer my calls and left me feeling confused and not knowing what I had done. About 6 months ago we had the most perfect weekend together but on the Monday he caused an argument on the phone over nothing and slammed the phone down. I tried to get in contact but he wouldn’t return my calls. I was so utterly devastated I had to take a week off work as was an emotional wreck. I was never this type of person before going with him. He made contact again after a week apologising and saying how he’s missed me and loves me. He’s made me into someone I’m not. We would make arrangements to go away for the weekend and then last minute he would cause an argument then say we are going to have cancel. We would eventually end up going and having a lovely time but beforehand I’d have to put up with the uncertainty and hurt he would cause. I just don’t know why he did it. This year 2017 I was determined that it was going to be different. I can’t cope with him picking me up and dropping me when he feels like it. He hasn’t got any other woman I know that but it’s like he can’t help himself being cold and cruel every so often. It’s as if he gets a kick out of it and thats what I cannot understand!! Like most narcissists as soon as I stopped running after him he would be on the phone leaving messages expressing his love and how he misses me. We had a heated discussion on Tue night I deemed to express how I felt on a particular subject and he finished with me the day after that discussion. The topic wasn’t even worth ending a relationship for. He was so cold and brutal and I just couldn’t get through to him. I’ve been crying for 2 days and not eaten but I do realise he’s made me into this weak person when i used to be strong and independent. He’s text me this morning to say he was missing me and I succumbed and replied to say the same but havd had nothing since. I realise he’s not capable of feeling or loving and I’ve been in a relationship with an actor for the last 2 and a half years. I hope I will learn from this and stay strong enough to turn him away if he gets in touch again.
I see all of the long blogs, and I can see myself in each one. I will say this, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so blessed at this moment of my life, there is finally peace in my home and I am gracefully basking in it. PLEASE, if you are thinking of opening a door for this individual to come in and LIE for another few years do yourself a favor for the first time in a long time. RUNNNNN!!!!
Me and my boyfriend broke up about a month ago a week before Christmas. At the start he was soo charming and smart and funny and sexy and everything you have on your wish list. we did the most amazing dates, we called them mega dates.. adding to the list he was super rich from his family money so he never had to care about anything. got an amazing apartment, car, his own company all given to him. so you can imagine when he wanted to start dating me he was sweeping me off my feet with his generosity and amazing lifestyle. however very early on i had this gut feeling in my stomach that there is something wrong. and when you think something is off well it is off. run run fast!!! i am pretty girl with quite nice taste, never had confidence issues but he managed to somehow turn me into this fragile week lacking self-esteem girl. by the end of the relationship it took me an hour sometimes to get ready because he would always say i have disgusting taste and cheap clothes. he would always walk in front of me when we went out, and would leave me alone for the whole night not checking on me. he would tell his friends he buys things for me when he never did. he would NEVER compliment me, or be kind to me, or say thank you for anything i did for him but still expect me to do his lists of chores.. when i would try to kiss him or be close to him he would push me away or pull away and say i am tired but than he would come back a bit later and say i love you so much i am just really stressed. he screamed at me when i tell him something he didn’t like. he could not take a slight critics in anything. he would say i am a fucking moron and ask me who the fuck i am to say this to him and walk off… and wouldn’t contact me for a week. He NEVER ever said sorry to me even when i was crying. he would say i did this. i started this hurt so he doesn’t care about my feelings as i was the one who said something he didn’t like. just before Christmas i planned everything bought all the presents for his family organised the whole time with him and his family. we had a holiday booked together everything was ready. He picked the biggest fight with me over the stupidest thing and and cut me off. celebrated Christmas without me with the presents i bought at the holiday i booked with him. Just through me out of his life when he was done with me like a peace of rubbish so abrupt sudden and cold and heartless. i still cant believe i love him after all this hurt. He will never change i know it but i wish he would. i have to let this go but my confidence is complete ruined i feel like a crazy person when i know i am not. i was never like this before. its really good to hear i am not alone.
I have been on this rollercoaster for 19 years with my N, 15 of those I was married to someone else. I left my marriage for him, a good marriage, but he made me feel like we were “soulmates”. He use to tell me I was the “love of his life.” that he had never loved a woman before me, not even his previous or current wife. He played me against his current wife, moving back and forth between us. Making me feel like he was just waiting for the right time to be with me. And then when he did finally leave to be with me, it didn’t last, he would get upset with me, for some unknown offense I committed, and start a fight, so he could return to her. The like clockwork, he would call, say how much he loved and needed me, and would start the path back to being with me. His wife and I both hated each other blameing the other, when the whole time it was him. He even divorced her the last time he was with me, but then out of the blue, became angry with me…same pattern…and I knew what was coming an explosion so he could return to her again. He even moved to another state with her and his kids, but of course continued to call and contact me and make trips to see me saying he was coming back because we were meant to be together. He even remarried her and lied to me about it. The whole time saying he wanted to marry me. This last year, using his young children as leverage, he convinced me to leave my family and friends and move to the state he lived in now. He left his wife without a second thought, telling her it was over, to live with me. When I found out he was married I was so upset, but he made up a lie about how he had down it for the kids and to buy a house. Things that made completely no sense. And also added that if I had just listened and done what he said, we would already be married and it would have never happened. but slowly I could see he was NOT breaking from her, he was far to worried about the men she had started dating..getting angry when she was on a date (which of course she made sure to inform him about), and would not automatically answer the phone when he called. He became angry with me when I wanted to see my grown kids on a weekend trip and told me I wasn’t allowed to go, because I didn’t ask his permission. And when I said I was going anyway…he called me names…I was a cunt, bitch, whore, he didn’t love me or want me. All his words. but days later, when He knew I was withdrawing and thinking about getting out..he started the love talk. this time I played along, and finally in weeks got him to go visit his mom in another state and while he was gone, my son came, we packed up all my stuff and I moved back home. He freaked out, calling texting, coming to where I was now, saying he was going to kill himself (which I knew was a lie), and within weeks was living back with his wife. But like an idiot, I let him back in when he starting calling..saying how he couldn’t live without me, that we needed to work things out and of course I believed him. I told him he had to move back, divorce her and show me he wanted me. so he played along caling some seeing me every few months, but told me we would make decisions about our future after the holidays, In January this year, we would decide how and we set a date when he could come so we could work these plans out. And then yesterday, out of the blue, he TEXTS me, doesn’t even bother to call, to tell me he didn’t think it was going to work out. That I caused to much Drama. By Drama he meant I expected him to treat me like I mattered, like I deserved some respect like he was considering my feelings. but we he didn’t which was often, I was suppose to keep my mouth shut. He told me we couldn’t be together he was gonna stay where he was cause it was working, but we could still talk. I told him not to call me that I didn’t want to talk.
The problem is I am so devastated and depressed, and I feel like such an idiot, like so worthless.. I knew its not me, but I don’t understand why he would do that, why treat me that way. I feel like he will try to contact me in the coming weeks or months, and this time I am determined not to respond. I am going to cut all contact, and thank god he lives out of state. I don’t believe he will bother making a trip. I am just so sad
This article was perfect. I don’t understand why this happened to me. I dated my guy for almost 7 years!! I put up with so much abuse and why am I the one who feels so horribly likes it’s my fault. I know it’s not. I ignored all the red flags. Spilting on me calling me garbage, how he deserves so much better , how no rules apply to him. I know we shouldn’t be together yet it’s so hard to let go. We were suppose to get married (good thing we aren’t ) but since I was 16 we were together it’s so hard with all the memories, but you can’t marry someone like this. His dad talks to his mom the same way calls her a piece of shit that she’s stupid and she’s fucked up in the head and he talks to me the same way verbatimly. We can’t change people like this no matter how much we want to. I think the hardest part is that this was never love and he never loved me.
It’s good to hear that I am not alone. I was dealing with a narcissist who pitted me and another girl against eachother, lying to us both and had us both trying to “win” him. I never knew when this man was coming or going. One day pouring me with adoration and attention, the next day being cold and distant. He’d end things with me then come back days later calling me ten times in a row begging me to answer. One day he started to pick me apart, pointing out every flaw. Even when I said nice things to him, he’d laugh and say something mean. At first he was sweet and would say nice stuff back but then he got cold and mean. It was all a game to him, he never cared about me. I should’ve known he was a terrible guy when he told me that none of his exes ever wanted to talk to him again, not even as a friend (hello!! Red flag!!). Anyway, the toughest part is accepting that I was lied to for so long. I’m currently on “no contact” now. The last thing I said to him was that I missed him and he laughed so I ended all contact for good. He has called and texted me every day since then but I ignore him. I don’t care anymore, I won’t ever talk to him again. He can add me to his long list of exes that will never be his friend!!!
Wow, I totally understand all of you!. I was with my N for 4years, moved out 6mo and finally broke things off in Nov. I had gone no contact with him, but of course he had to text me right after Thanksgiving to tell me he was getting married and having a baby. I literally got sick to my stomach I couldn’t believe it. After not replying he calls me, I told him I was happy for him and that all I wanted to ask him wasWHY? Why did he have to treat me so poorly and such horrible things to me? Why did he have to string me along for all these years? why didn’t he just let me walk away the times I tried leaving?. Why did he have to lie? Of course he couldnt answer me, he went into fit rage turned things around blaming me for everything, started calling me names …his favorite was”cum eating whore” and “piece of shit”. He did some really horrible things to me like pouring water on me while sleeping, throwing food at me, but what finally broke the straw was him urinating on me while I was sleeping. I was in total disbelief of what he had done it took i was in shock I couldn’t believe what he had done. As I’m getting g out of bed trying to register what just happened, he goes on to tell me that..that’s what he thought of me a piece of shit, that I had no value in this world and that I should just die…he handed me his belt and said here I’ll make it easy for you just hang yourself, your such a whore your kids won’t even miss you. To this day his words and actions taunt me. He could never have a face to face talk with me it was always text or calls, and he always ended calling me a bitch and hanging up on me, he wanted to be in control, he wanted to have the last word , he wanted to end it on his terms. It’s an EVERYDAY struggle to try and move on, I think what has helped me is talking about. I have confided to my sis about. It feels so good to just let it out! If I can do this anybody can!! We are not alone!!
My ex of 3 years and I just split.
He is a narcissist.
This article is so spot on its scary – After 6 happy months into our relationship, I found the most revolting and offensive messages from prostitues on my boyfriends phone. I was completely devastated and after much begging from his side, I foolishly stayed with him.
After four or five more times of discovering his cheating, he began turning the tables and blaming it on me. He also said I should accept it.
After so much emotional torment, and leaving + running back countless times, I could not leave because I was under his Narc spell, I accepted the prostitutes.
Then one day he phones me and tells me I need to get tested. He is HIV+.
I PANICKED and got tested multiple times over a few weeks. I was okay.
His disgusting habit had finally caught up to him. It should’ve felt like revenge, but instead I felt sorry for the SOB and stayed.
We were very safe, never had intercourse, which affected his interest in me. We bEgan couples counselling which seemed to help at first.
Sadly, he would always go back to his ways of talking down to me, insulting absolutely every thing possible about me, and yesterday he told me he doesn’t love me anymore.
Wow, I totally understand all of you!. I was with my N for 4years, moved out 6mo and finally broke things off in Nov. I had gone no contact with him, but of course he had to text me right after Thanksgiving to tell me he was getting married and having a baby. I literally got sick to my stomach I couldn’t believe it. After not replying he calls me, I told him I was happy for him and that all I wanted to ask him wasWHY? Why did he have to treat me so poorly and such horrible things to me? Why did he have to string me along for all these years? why didn’t he just let me walk away the times I tried leaving?. Why did he have to lie? Of course he couldnt answer me, he went into fit rage turned things around blaming me for everything, started calling me names …his favorite was”cum eating whore” and “piece of shit”. He did some really horrible things to me like pouring water on me while sleeping, throwing food at me, but what finally broke the straw was him urinating in me while I was sleeping. I was in total disbelief of what he had done it took i was in shock I couldn’t believe what he had done. As I’m getting g out of bed trying to register what just happened, he goes on to tell me that..that’s what he thought of me a piece of shit, that I had no value in this world and that I should just die…he handed me his belt and said here I’ll make it easy for you just hang yourself, your such a whilore your kids won’t even miss you. To this day his words and actions taunt me. He could never have a face to face talk with me it was always text or calls, and he always ended calling me a bitch and hanging up on me, he wanted to be in control, he wanted to have the last word , he wanted to end it on his terms. It’s an EVERYDAY struggle to try and move on, I think what has helped me is talking about. I have confided to my sis about. It feels so good to just let it out! If I can do this anybody can!! We are not alone!!
Total devastation. Unbelievable grief. And all I ask is why me? What did I do so wrong to deserve this? How can someone be so evil? How was I so weak to keep letting this happen to me again and again? After 5 years of constant abuse. Mostly verbal but a few instances of physical, I would forgive. I thought I saw glimpses of what he could be without the drugs and alcohol. He had such a rough life. I thought he just needed love to fix him. Wow! Now, 5 years later. It’s Christmas. He has cheated and left. I am losing MY home, he has left me paying all the bills and with $11 in the bank. Not one care about the children, the home, our well being. The only thing he keeps contacting me about is turning his phone back on. I feel so much despair that I can’t get out of bed. I don’t understand how I could have allowed this “stranger” to waltz into my life, destroy it, and leave without a care in the world?? How could anyone be such a monster?? And then he turns it on me as if it’s my fault he isn’t coming back because I turned his phone off after I found him cheating on me for the third time in a month!! Am I losing my mind?? Am I in some kind of nightmare??
Isn’t “no contact” blocking them from FB phone texting emails … I blocked every possible way he could contact me and it’s driving him nuts that he doesn’t have control anymore. We have mutual friends that he asks them to tell me he loves me …. I feel sad inside, then I realize IF he does love me it’s not the kind of love I want.
Thanks so much for this article….the more I read on this behavior the more comfort I feel that I WILL BE OK! And it wasn’t my fault and Im slowly realizing that I can do better and I deserve more! I fell victim for almost 7 long years to a man who I now realize never loved me. I was just a pawn that he used when he needed something…sex, validation,a place to stay, money and someone to worship him! His words never matched his actions and no matter what he did I was always painted to be the cause…everything was my fault and I was crazy and ungrateful. He never accepted responsibility for anything. And no matter how much he hurt me I always went running back for more. He consumed my every thought and without him I was nothing but with him I was nothing. I begged for his scrapes of attention to feel like he really loved me…making excuses for his behavior until everyone I cared about left my life. I was isolated in a world of love and pain always trying to prove my love to a man that didn’t want or deserve it. It’s been 6 months now that I have stepped away with no contact. Im slowly piecing together my life that he lovingly destroyed. I lost my job,my home,my family and he left without so much as a goodbye once I no longer served a purpose to him. I catch myself peeking at his social media only to find indirect attacks towards me to try and make me sad or jealous. But I no longer feel those emotions towards him….only anger and sadness for his next victim. But I will continue to rebuild my life and my self esteem without him and as much as I am tempted to contact him I am determined to finally let go. My revenge will be my happiness without him….its. Long road I know but the longer I stay away the more clearly I can see his abuse and it gives me strength to rebuild my life for me! I wonder though is it possible for a person like this to ever change??
After 2 1/2 years of riding the narcissist’s rollercoaster, I’ve made a New Year’s resolution to go totally no contact, and I thank all of you here for the stories and insights that will help me stay strong. My guy is gorgeous, charming, smart, funny, sexiest man I ever met, says he loves me and I’m amazing and I’ll always be part of his life. BUT he has lied about big things and small; makes dates and doesn’t show up or bother to cancel, then days or weeks later makes a surprise visit like everything’s fine, and gets huffy when I ask what happened last time we had plans, etc. Totally unaccountable for any bad behavior to me. The last straw was a Christmas no-show after I had cut a visit with a girlfriend short to make time for him. Then he called at 7 the next morning. I didn’t answer — I was sleeping off a workday that he knew had lasted late into the previous night. I went through stages of believing he needed me and I was important to him, believing he was damaged in childhood but I could make things better, believing if I nicely explained why respect, courtesy and communication are important to me, he would do better, and so on ad nauseam. Nothing worked. I now see clearly that he’s broken in ways I cannot fix. I will always love him but I can’t be his buddy given that sex and romance were such big parts of what I thought was our relationship. To everyone here who has reached the break-up point: Just stop being there for him or her. Completely. Don’t beat yourself up for the love and compassion and kindness you gave the N — these beautiful qualities are never wasted and your good karma will come back to you in the form of someone who can respond to you with the love and dependability you deserve. Keep working on being your best self and before you know it, you’ll meet someone who is worthy of you. I know I will. It’s just a matter of time and healing. Love and peace to all, and may 2017 bring you many blessings!
My ex N is an investment banker with GS and I am a lawyer. Neither of us takes drugs, we drink socially only, we are very physically fit and active and earn good salaries. I say all this because on the surface nobody would think he was a N. He has blond hair, blue eyes and wears the mask of a covert N i.e. vulnerable, emotionally available etc., during our 3.5 year relationship. BUT:
1 – there was something off about his sincerity that always made me feel uneasy;
2 – his actions and his words rarely matched;
3 – he was extraordinarily needy of attention such that I was totally exhausted all the time;
4 – he lied a lot and often about insignificant/petty things.
Obviously during the discard, which started 7 weeks ago, he let his mask slip more and more, and was cultivating new supply in secret and denied it when I found out, then blamed me and then ran away.
The abrupt discard with no compassion or mercy towards me whilst I despaired was shocking. And slowly, the extent of the manipulation is clearer and clearer.
Please note that many Ns will not have a drug or drink problem, won’t be out of work, “say” the right things but listen to your gut because he may well be a N – I have no doubt (as he’s ticked every box) that my ex is a N, and I also know that only an intimate partner would know, and even that can take time.
Unbelievable how many people go thru such similar relationships. Mine ended half a year ago after two years of living together. The lies,deception and blurriness, living in a fog not really knowing if the love was real. Throughout the whole time, I had glimpses of doubts and every so often a strange gutt feeling that something was wrong. That he couldn’t be trusted. But he was such a charmer and played it so well. There were lots of issues from his childhood and when I detach myself from all this craziness, then I actually feel sad for him. I still love him and so I took the friend card. My heart beats when he calls. But I never allowed him to come back. Now that I know the truth and the fog has lifted, I feel free. And I am glad to have felt love and still feel love. And sad for him that he cannot feel love with anyone. All of us who ever felt love are so lucky. Hopefully next time we look for the one who can return that love.
This hits home. I’ve been in this relationship for 8 years. I can’t say anything to his son because making him do chores makes me a horrible stepmom. He calls me big, fat, pig, stupid bitch, tells me no one wants me, calls me a while. I want out. Can anyone of you who got out help me? I have 3 months until our lease, that he holds over my head is up.
It took me almost 3 years to face what was happening to me. I allowed myself to hold on to a man that for entire time cheated on me and left me 5 times for other women but yet always made me feel like he loved me and wanted me. He always said “i just need to fix me” while he expected me to wait during his relationships with these women he left me for. I was told this last time just weeks ago that he didnt see anything wrong with talking to other women while he tried to get his life situation better and told me he expected Loyalty and Patience from me during this time that he was unsure how long it would take.
Today i finally accepted that my backbone is no longer a wishbone to be broke in half. Yes, im devastated to face letting go. I’m scared at the thought of never seeing him again. I’m lost at what my steps will be from this point forward because all i want to do is reach back out to him. It’s very sad that someone could do this to another person that only wanted to be their everything as they treated them. I lost so much of myself in this nightmare that i no longer know what visit real versus what isn’t. I question everything within myself and who i am.
This is one of the hardest things i have ever had to cope with in my entire life. I’m 45 and i never thought at this age i would have to relearn what i am inside. When someone takes your soul they take eveything about you and leaves you in complete darkness spinning in circles reaching out to touch something real again.
Just to add a bit more- the only thing I find totally different about my (very recent) ex is that he NEVER EVER everrrr said he was sorry. Not one time in 3 years. The lies!!!! Pathological doesn’t even cover the gamut of lies this man has spewed and over the most ridiculous things on a minute to minute basis. He says he is always right and believes that notion. To boot- neither he nor his ex have custody of their daughter bc they were both involved heavily with drugs for years yet he still talks to her daily bc it’s his ‘daughter’s mother’. She is still heavily into drugs and alcohol and has no relationship whatsoever with their 16 yr old daughter. She lives out of state and my ex drove to ‘pick her up and give her a ride home’ last week after we got into a huge fight yet again. Guess where he ended up?… right back in my bed. In my house. In my head. I have a 17 yr old son who has witnessed all of the crazy for nearly 3 years and I can’t begin to even try to explain the guilt and shame I feel for what he has seen, heard and gone thru. My ex told me he hated me on a regular basis. Told me how worthless I am. Called me fat (which I am not), bad in bed, worthless… but later on it would be dismissed not with a sorry or an I love you but the ahem ood adage of ‘we all say things when we are mad’. He rarely ever told me he loved me and if he did and I didn’t say it back immediately there would be an argument or a blow up. He isolated me from friends and family to the point that I’ve lost most al of my once close friends and I now have the heavy burden of trying to do serious damage control with my family, who I have always been close with.
So in short (or rather long I guess!) my ex never apologized. Hardly ever said I love you. Never showed remorse for all of the beatings and mental torture. In fact one time I got a TRO on him and we went to court for the charges and I fell right back under his spell. You are probably thinking he showed sadness and love and remorse right?… ha. No. It was sheer selfish rights- how can you do this to me? And to my family? If I go away (he is a convicted felon with violence on his jacket and this would be one of 10 times he’s been to jail if I had gone through with it) my family won’t survive. No sorry. No I love you. And guess what, everything went right back to the way it always was with the abuse and the chaos.
I hope and pray that this is it for me. I am financially ruined. Working a temporary job praying that it becomes ft this month. I am alone (my family lives in a different state) and live in a very small town so I am scared to death for when I do run into him. He left everything he owns at my house and will come back for it for the millionth time but if I can stay strong- this will be the last time.
Wow. I’ve read many blogs about this exact topic but this one really got me. My live in narcissistic bf is hopefully gone for good although we all know that’s not how they work. The abuse (physical, mental, emotional) escalated throughout my three year hell and finally ended with him head butting me and breaking me down verbally right in front of his 16 yr old daughter. She defended his every move, his every word… calling me crazy and psychotic. I would serve him all meals like a king, clean up after him, ask how he was doing a hundred times a day with never so much as a one time ‘how is your day going’ coming back at me. Never. My job was to walk on the eggshells that were strewn all over and to do my best to navigate thru the wake of his insane destruction and chaos. I can’t even begin to explain what I went through and put up with but then again do I really have to?… anyone reading this knows. I’m not a special case. Just another volunteer to feed the beast is all. I hope to regain some of myself, and truly heal from this experience sooner than later. He shut my phone off immediately after leaving the house we shared. Control. It literally pulses thru their veins like fully oxygenated blood. Cold as ice.
i don’t know if i am in a relationship like that. i am confused and scared i am being played. I love this man..i don’t know what to think anymore, he has a drinking problem as well
I am married to a narcissist, everything I do is wrong , am criticised from morning to evening, I feel like I am walking on eggshells, I don’t know how to move on from here. I feel like I am waking up from a dream I just don’t know how I got married to this man, I am not allowed to ask his children to do simple house chores. Was told they are not my children, He controls everything , what to eat , what time, how to cook, when to have sex . He shouts at me in the presence of his children, I now keep quiet most of the time , I don’t know wether I am going or coming, please help.
I was with my ex for about 14 months. When he first playing S&M with me. I thought the language stay inside the bedroom. Later, he call me slut. Cum sucking anal slut when we were outside. He seduce me in order to completely control me. I was working for him but he never pay me. He even ask me to pay his business trip knife/gun shows. He slaving me, use me as sex slave. In the middle of the night he pull my hair and to suck his dick. I was a willing partner for his knife trading business. Helping him finding resources and building up a relationship with his Chinese partner. Help him set up a shipping system. I am his accounting, personal assistant. Cook for him, cleaning his house, shopping for him. I try very hard to impress him. He never appreciate my help. By helping his accounting. I find out he have a kept women over at Philippines. He pay this women $100 a month in order to keep her for his sex need. He willing to spend money and time to his underage girlfriends over in Philippines. He is a sex tourists, love to visit, Thai, Philippines and Indonesia. He is very insecure. The reason he break up with me because I am sick. I mean physically sick. Because I bearly have a good night sleep. I have a full time job, after I will come to his house working for him until midnight. Five o’clock he need his BJ. He won’t let me sleep then ask me to make coffee. I am also his driver dropping him and pick him up at the airport. It mean I have to wake up at 3am and drop him off to the airport. On the way to the airport, he is kerp yelling while I m driving. Therefore my body feeling weak after eight months torturing by him. The main reason is her daughter just become a CPA. He is no longer need my help, he never want to share any profit with me and he have never pay me. Now, he is finished learning everything from me, he now kick me out from his life. He say he never love me. I was with him every single date. Nothing is make sense until I found out he is Narcissism.
There are so many accurate insights here about what I’ve gone through. My ex-wife cheated on me, told countless less, then told me our marriage was over, told more lies, then we eventually separated and she is desperate to be ‘friends’ with me. It is insane and she acts like nothing has happened. I would like to go no contact but we have two young kids and I’m going to have to deal with her on a weekly basis for many years to come. I’ve had no contact for several days now and then she starts calling and emailing about the kids knowing I need to respond but really she just wants some more supply out of me. I have to engage her to do the right thing by the kids but I am drawing it all back now. I can already tell she doesn’t like it. Tomorrow she’ll probably get hostile or try and put a guilt trip on me. This is so sad. I gave her every chance to repair the marriage, she didn’t take it, and now she gets pissed when I’ve had enough of it all.
I also don’t think she has any idea she is a narcissist or doing any of this out and out deliberately. She is just following her ‘instincts’.
Get ready for the parental alienation from your kids. thats next!
Thanks so much for the article and everyone’s comments. It was helpful to read of so many other people going thru what I have been thru. I have been involved w/this person for 6 years, and it’s been hell. I just recently in the last 6 months have seen him for what he truly is – a narcissist. I caught him in so many lies, and he never comes clean nor owns up to it even when shown proof. I was constantly manipulated with the fact this person cared what happened to me which was the far from the truth. It’s always about him and how everyone can serve him. I suffered tremendously due to the economy in the US and lack of employment choices, and I let this man into my life thinking he was going to help out in a genuine manner. Instead, he used it as a way to entrap me and batter me relentlessly as a person. Nothing I could do was ever good enough. I have always been successful in life with most things I’ve done, and he made me feel like a worthless piece of garbage tearing me down constantly. I have lost all self-esteem. I have just recently tried to break free, and it is hard when you don’t believe in yourself and been torn down by the narcissist. This will be a very hard struggle, but I know I can’t go on like this any longer with this sick person. He has consistently disrespected me and my boundaries and never takes accountability for his own life. It is a toxic cycle of abuse, and I am the victim. They can’t love anyone. They think everyone is there to stroke their ego. He tried to brush off his aloofness as “every man acts this way”, but I knew better after having positive relationships w/men in the past that he was full of sh** and I called him out on it. The more I confronted him with his problematic behavior and lies, the more of a withered flower he became crumbling in front of me. I could see the real weak person coming out that lies beneath the false exterior front he puts on. For those still struggling to break free, you must do it to protect yourself. It will be hard at first, but you must do it. Break off all communication, for the narcissist will relentlessly try to reel you back in like a fish on a hook. They know they are losing their victim and will have to go out searching for a new one. Don’t buy into it and break free once and for all. Don’t even think of answering the phone or emails. Once you let your guard back down, you start the vicious cycle all over again. Good luck to everyone.
I recently had a girlfriend who showed NPD symptoms. Not really the typical narcissist, because she isn’t grandiose at all. She is quite withdrawn and secretive, but she was always in control and often lied to me. Sometimes she revealed her inhuman side.She used gas lighting,and promised me important things she didn’t keep. Then I found some signs that showed that she cheated on me regularly. I started to tell her about her suspicious behavior and we had some quarrels. She finally left me after the last fight. Now I want her back so much that I don’t think I can’t live without her. I’m not a masochist, but she is the love of my life because I’m drawn to her very much, sexually too. Now I’m devastated as I think she will never come back to me. Does anyone have any idea how I could get her back?
Thank you everyone for writing and thanks Savannah. I am female and ending a relationship with a female. We are in our mid 40s. I got so much out of everyone’s posts. The relationship lasted nearly 18 months. A woman absolutely can be a narcissist. Just like nearly every writer here, I felt something was off and worked very hard to figure out what was going on. Spent much of the relationship in confusion which was unusual for me. Her controlling was subtle in many ways. Just a slight difference in tone, if I was “misbehaving” like going out when she had to work. Luckily, I never lived with her but kept my apartment. She felt entitled to my body though. Things got bad. She used my weaknesses and vulnerabilities against me. I felt tricked and coerced. I never directly confronted her about the lying. She would tell me her lies to other people. I was not naive enough to think she would not or had not lied to me, but I only caught about two “white” lies to me. We had so many problems and issues, I basically never got the chance to confront her lies. Not sure if she cheated because she works 60 hours a week so does not have a lot of extra time. Now I am praying she gets a new girl friend fast so I am free. I was planning on being nice and offering friendship. Now I am thinking after reading all this I should go no contact. Just like most posters, a part of me still loves her and I have trouble having compassion for myself for these feelings. I am smart, kind, loving and accomplished so I know that I just could not fathom where she was coming from. Now when I ask “do you love me?” she says, “You don’t believe I love you??” And I realize No, I don’t believe she loves me or really ever did. Some one who loves would not disrespect me, my words, my boundaries like she did constantly. Like HER boundaries were written in stone, and mine were perhaps a suggestion. One main problem was if I was upset with her being cold, not showing empathy, she would turn it around on me and give me the silent treatment. She ruined a memorial service giving me the silent treatment. She also has a sweet side which I fell hard for. It was like heaven when it was good. I have been in counseling this whole time. For a while even my therapist thought she was a great girlfriend. She had us both fooled. But like most here, my N’s red flag warnings were displayed very early on. Boundary bashing behavior. My biggest question now is, do I make her think this final break up is HER idea to spare her ego and have her walk away or say something true and therefore hurtful to her so she never bothers me again?
I have read all the comments. They have all been so helpful making me strong now knowing I am NOT an idiot and NOT alone. My heart is broken giving up the dream of travel, marriage, retirement, foster kids, family with her. But I know that with no remorse and no empathy she would have let me die. At one point I was bleeding with a cut foot from glass on her bathroom floor she failed to clean up all the way (which I will grant you is hard to get every last bit) but no compassion. I had to say, “Hey, I need help. I need hydrogen peroxide and a band aid please.” All she did was respond, “Oh. I cleaned the floor.” And I could not believe it the next time I visited maybe 2-4 weeks later, I cut my foot a second time!, same bathroom, and same lack of care or empathy. I had to ask for help explicitly again while she lay in bed exhausted from her 12 hour shift. Yes. I get it. You are tired. But I am bleeding here, and you STILL did not get all the glass up. We later ended up cleaning it properly together. I could get anything from her if only I apologized for the terrible nothing that I did. Or as long as I asked for what I wanted/needed without shaming her or making her lose face at all. Unless of course it was a boundary. Could almost never get her to respect my body boundaries or my sexual boundaries. It got ugly and I don’t need that nonsense in my life. I deserve respect. We all do. I am leaving and if anyone has feedback on how to leave effectively, I’d like it. Personally, I like to just nicely end it with “It’s me not you.” Make her think it is her idea. Then block her phone number, unfriend on FB, etc. and go 100% No Contact for at least one year. Help! Suggestions? Thank you.
I am experiencing the same sort of thing with my ex gf. It lasted only 3 or so months – my friend was the one to tell me that I needed to stop seeing her. Once I stepped back, I could see what sort of a person she was. I am angry, sad, I feel cheated. I feel like an idiot. Don’t offer friendship, you will just get pulled back in, no matter what you do. I went no contact for almost 2 weeks. She messaged me, and I caved in. It has been almost 24 hours without contact. I knew there was something off about her at the start. Couldn’t put my finger on it. I ignored the red flags. I am lucky my friend pulled me out. It could be a whole lot worse. I did the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ thing too. Seemed the easiest way to get out of it. Do not contact her!! It will get better. It takes time. You will feel angry, sad, emotional – that is normal! You aren’t going crazy. Just accept your emotions and stay busy. Talk about it with people. Don’t give in to the temptation because you feel guilty or because you miss her. Good luck, girl.
This article is teeth clenching REAL!!! I’m dealing with a narcissist ex bf but the thing with his was I was all of his sources & im trying to get him to stay away from me. He(They) literally know how to manipulate every scenario that will have you questioning your SANITY!! Thanks to this article and a few others I feel I know how to handle it. I’ve been going through this for a little over a year and I finally feel courageous enough to burn all bridges with this guy!!! Wish me luck. Ty again.
Thank you so much for this article. After a 10 year marriage to narcissistic wife ended, I needed to read this. She circled back to date the guy she dated before we meet, who dumped her hard (he is also a narcissist – I talked to his recent ex-wife and several therapist to him that he was) Last week, I found a letter she wrote to him just three years after we were married about how they had something special and amazing, it was very inappropriate. He was dating his next victim and brushed her off. But they started talking again and he helped coach her out of our marriage. But, I was was also strong enough to move out, and get divorced. When I found out they were dating 5 weeks ago, It ruined me. I went crazy… I tried everything to get her back, I mean everything, even offering her to move into my new place and possibly getting married again so that she and her son could be under my insurance… I cracked. I offered multiple times. The hardest part is that we share a daughter from our marriage. I will have to deal with my ex for many years to come. I have prepare myself to deflect the rebound when this guy dumps her. With as crazy as I have been and the letters of love I have written, I am sure I just painted a new sucker sign on my forehead. I’m not ready to date someone yet, that makes it harder because I can’t fill that void that in my heart. I want to make sure I don’t re-actively attach myself to someone right now. I didn’t expect to write so much. Thank you again for your article.
Thankyou so much for this article. It definitely ticks all the boxes of the most horrendous last 6.5 years of my life, to a cold, callous, self centred monster that has drained the life from my very being.
Thank you for this article. Although the person in concern was never my bf, he was a part of the same “teenage friend group”
Started seeking my attention by insulting me when I joined the WhatsApp group(we live far off so all the interaction happened online), I’d get angry obv and he’d get his high. This went on. After a year I mistook this to be a form of “liking” which he felt for me and I started liking him back.
I kept trying to make him see I really liked him and I think he knew that. Acknowledged it as well but to his own advantage. Since there wasn’t any commitment, he would tell his other friends of girls at his gym and stuff. That day, I saw him for what he was, thank God.
Thence I used to treat him casually. Not surprisingly, he soon found another girl and would speak (sexual) crap about her. I’d feel bad bit would say nothing. Soon they became a couple. This guy now keeps commenting shit on my sm gain my attention, which he no more gets. I’m sure onenough day he’ll come waltzing back and boy, will I gladly insult him that day, if it comes. :p
After reading so many comments and stories I thought I’d share mine too. If nothing else at least I can get my feelings out. So, my on again off again boyfriend of 4 years, we split up again today. Hopefully it’s the last time. I didn’t even like him when I met him. SMH anyway, I knew he was a narcissist probably about 2 years into our relationship. We stayed together very steady for about 3 years, in which time the phases began with him being the best man I could ever have, to me finding out he was a pathological liar. But he has seizures and those 2 go hand in hand if you do some research. I dealt with it because he was a great provider and of course because I was head over heels in love with him. He was very controlling during the relationship and abusive. Physically and mentally. I know this will sound stupid but I still felt like he loved me. He ALWAYS paid attention to me, took me out, took me shopping. I never had that before. I’m overweight, and I’m not ugly but I’m not the best looking woman either. So right after our 3rd year anniversary I had to go into emergency surgery. When I got out of the hospital he had packed his things and left. I flipped out. He had a car in my name, I took it. He basically left me with NOTHING. So I wanted whatever I could get. He said that was the reason why he didn’t come back and I failed all these tests. OMG, just remembering makes me sick to my stomach. So I ended up taking him back twice. At this point there is another woman in the picture. He told me when we got back together he was done with her. But a couple of weeks ago I caught her at his house. She told me she wanted nothing more to do with him and she knew him and I were together. Well, some things transpired between last night and tonight that made me question a lot of things he told me. He kept saying I was acting crazy and stupid. It was because he was making me FEEL like I was crazy. I took a ride to his moms house for confirmation. She confirmed all the bullshit he said. She doesn’t sugar coat anything. She called all his bullshit. I wasn’t shocked. And to my surprise I’m happy. It gave me the ammunition I needed to leave him alone. I’m done.
I met and married my Chinese wife in 2006, when i was there working. Initially, wow, such a wonderful woman, treated me like the Emperor of China. 2 years later we came to Canada where i am from, and it did not take long to change drastically for the worse. She started being rude and nasty to me, insult me in front of other people, made me wear the clothes she chose for me, whatever i chose was garbage. It started to seem that everything i liked was ugly and stupid. She alienated my family from me. Then a few years after we came to Canada, i found out she had been hanging around with a single lot younger than her guy, for at least the last 4 months, and when i confronted her, she said he was just a friend, nothing else. I asked her so if that is the case ,why did u not introduce me as your husband to him, and she said he did not want to meet me. I in hindsight should have just left he for good then, but she had me so totally brainwashed i stayed, my mind from then on getting more and more polluted thinking of this `friend`. I kept getting worse, i was a loser, lazy, stupid and on and on. I really did start to think God, I am not a very nice person at all! I found out she was on the dating site POF. And stupidly just tried harder to meet her expectations of me. And there was lots and lots more. But, in April she came to my company that i own and into my office, closed the door and informed me she wanted a divorce. Totally screwed me up. She even had our house in her name cause she bought it with money she had in China. So she sold it and on May 3rd we split. From the time she told me she wanted a divorce until May 3rd, i slept in the spare bedroom. Now i do want to mention that when we met and up to the `friend`episode i would have bet everything i have that this woman would never ever do that sort of stuff. I now feel that the woman i married in China somehow was kept there and this imposter was sent in her place. I know what i am going to say now will make everyone think i am crazy and should be committed, but after all this, i still love her totally. She tells me one day we can never be together again, then next day when i ask her if i become the guy she married in china, which i am, i never changed, but ask her then can we maybe save or marriage. She never out and out says yes, she says lets see if u change – but she never says no way either. I have asked her few times in the last few weeks if she i seeing another guy and having sex – she gets really angry and says if she wants to it is none of my business, we are separated and she can do what she wants, then next day messages me that no, she had dated no one, and no, she had not had sex. So, know what- i am completely confused by her still. If i don`t call or message her for a few days, she gets in touch with me. And also, she still argues and sounds angry every time we talk on the phone.
So i am very confused, mixed up, depressed and heartbroken still. I think she is narcissistic, but i am not an expert at that. So if u could comment on your thoughts about if she is narcissistic or not, what u think of the situations i have mentioned here, and is she still lying to me, even after we are separated, and if so, what do you see as being the real story. Thanks
I am only just in the early stages of the ‘disposal’ part of the cycle. I knew things weren’t right and that his behaviour was unacceptable and demeaning but he was my first boyfriend in a very long time (15 years!!)and it felt nice having somebody in my life after all these years of being on my own.
I am able to rationalize everything that happened, especially since learning about Narcisistict Personality Disorder and he certainly fits many of the descriptions but I’m still having a lot of trouble coming to terms with it all. I had just recovered from depression that id been suffering with for a few years (brought about through loneliness i suspect!)so when he appeared in my life i felt like my life was finally turning a corner and going in the right direction.
I realise I’ve been very unfortunate in meeting this man, the first in years, and am trying to tell myself that there are people capable of normal loving relationships but i am left questioning my ability to deal with it should it happen again. I knew something wasnt right about him and yet i stayed? Clearly given the messages left here I’m not alone in sticking with these people despite their despicable behaviour but I’m concerned that i have a co-dependant personality which leaves me open to it again. My father was a classic narcisist and my mum stayed with him for 50 years. It wasnt a happy marriage but she had three children with him and despite his appalling behaviour stayed with him and loved him deeply. I am very silmilar to my mum and became hooked on a man who did not treat me well. Do i need to seek professional help to avoid making a similar mistake, should i have the courage to try again with someone else?
Thank-you for the article as it explains the current and/or past relationship that I hope I have finally walked away from. In all of my life even though I am 32 years old, I have never hated who I was more than I was made to believe, because that’s what I was perceived to be as who I was, by the person I gave my everything to. I never did anything right, I never said anything right, I asked questions in the wrong manner, I left dishes in the sink, I moved a table once and that was considered disrespectful as well as putting an extra pillow on the floor was disrespectful. The list will go on and on as to what he said I did wrong and called me a user and ungrateful. I never did anything to this man but to try to get him to open up and see that there’s so much more to life than what he had been through in his past. I was just another victim in his vicious cycle of a toxic relationship. Before I met this man I was a very confident woman, my self-esteem was sky high, I had no care in the world but to find love. This man made me feel worthless. Ashamed of who I am and was in the past, talked about my childhood, my past relationships, my jobs, my friends, and etc…as if he knew anything about my life before I met him. Because social media tells all, I saw from his past he did the same thing to every woman he ever dated. The man was very shady with his phone, received emails more than anyone I have ever known and I used to work in sales, could’t be trusted on social media, I was never ever allowed to post a photo of myself because that was thought to be screaming for attention because I wasn’t getting any at home. Well truth be told, no I wasn’t getting any attention at home. This man could sit on social media for hours and hours searching and searching with no purpose. I caught him in lies time and time again and he lied to cover up the lies. There were so many lies I don’t even know what was the real truth even still to this day. I know I was not loved, I was not valued, I was not respected, and I was settling. I constantly walked out and he always wheeled me back in with a basket full of promises that never ever happened. At one point he agree he didn’t like who he was and wanted to seek help, I found him a top notch therapist he went twice and that was it. Said, I’ll fix myself on my own, I’ve been doing fine all this time. Low and behold, I’m glad I learned this lesson and to never let someone like that back in my life again. I’ve never felt so much pain and cried so much in just a little over a year of knowing someone and still to this day tells me I’m a loser and anyone would be crazy to ever give me the time of day. I’m sorry but it’s the other way around, but they have such a twisted way of thinking to manipulate you to think that you are the problem not them, problem is we let them be our problem for too long. Please run if you ever get caught up in someone’s web of lies and manipulation. Make yourself happy and love yourself again. Today is the first day I begin to do just that for my own well being, I will find myself again.
In reading the article and the comments below all I have to say is, thank you everyone.
My wife is everything above and well, I can’t believe I’ve been so blind for so long.
I feel as though now, today, eventhough I feel as though I am a chaulk outline of a body on a sidewalk, that I’m not the only one.
I’ve never been able to do or say anything right, for years.
I believe there are 177 comments above. They are 177 comments which have maybe just saved my soul.
None of us have deserved any of this.
Thank you everybody, thank you!
My ex was a big bitch-great at the start-very critical made me mad all the time. Got a police record -as she put in the boot -lost my career-she got an intervention order -12 months-rang after 4 months begging me back
took her back-the biggest waste of time. Not sure why i stayed -she destroyed me -and im not violent and a nice guy
This article was very helpful. I think that I have been in a relationship with a narcissist (after reading and researching) for the past two years. At the beginning of the relationship, he took me on trips, listened to how I felt, he was everything. Although he was twice divorced, I believed him when he told me his exes were crazy and it was all their fault. His ex girlfriend emailed me at the beginning of our relationship – he was caught in a huge lie, dating me but still holding on to her apparently. I didn’t know her and gave him the benefit of the doubt. After 6 months, something happened that altered his trust in me (but I didn’t do anything, he just chose to not believe me). He began to devalue me, degrade, and discard. I thought he was “projecting” his past bad marriage on to me, which included cheating on both their parts. This would happen on a weekly basis. I did not understand what was going on. It felt like a roller coaster and I told him his behavior was “bipolar”. He loved me in the morning, but as soon as he felt threatened or upset, he would end the relationship OVER and OVER again within the same day. It felt like a game. His standard “take care, wish you the best.” WHAT? We were just in a relationship five minutes ago. I felt constantly jerked around. I had never been with someone who behaved this way so it took me a long time to figure out what was happening. I viewed his reactions as “extreme” but over time, he became abusive. Verbally berating me, degrading, and belittling. What I can’t understand is he would criticize me over the smallest thing yet give himself a free pass for huge mistakes. He constantly accused me of lying and cheating, which I NEVER did, gas lighting – accused me of being inappropriate if I received a text message from a coworker but yet it was okay for HIM to receive messages from coworkers – when in his marriage he had an affair with a coworker. I literally don’t understand how he could NEVER see reality. Why was I always being accused of being a liar and cheater but the truth was HE would get caught in lies. And when I would catch him in lies – he would SPIN it or go into a rage defending his behavior. It’s just sick. Name-calling, gas – lighting, constant accusing. When I finally decided to “fight back”, I thought I would get him to see reality. It made it worse. I started saying back to him all the horrible things he said to me. (name-calling, putting down my career, my friends, my family, telling me I was a bad example to kids) He has children from a previous marriage whom I embraced and LOVED dearly. In his raging moments, he would tell me I didn’t deserve his kids and that I was a bad example?? What the hell? I would just cry and cry over the things he would say. He would threaten me by threatening to contact my friends, family, and my exes to exploit personal things I shared with him. WHO DOES THESE KINDS OF THINGS? I never knew someone could be so vindictive and vengeful. He literally turned into a monster. He apologized and tried to come back. I told him he shouldn’t be talking to me this way if he is dating someone else. He denied dating someone else and after months, I caught him on social media. When I confronted him, he got upset with ME as if it was my fault that HE LIED. Yet he continued to call me a liar and cheater. The psychological warfare and trauma I’ve experienced …. I cannot put into words. It has been so damaging. He tried to come back, I told him we needed to go to counseling in order to make it work, he blamed me for everything and ended the relationship again. This person can end a relationship with a snap of a finger. It’s sick and disgusting. I beat my head against the wall trying to get this person to see reality. Yet everything is my fault and he accepts zero responsibility for his sick, narcissistic behavior. I told him he is emotionally and verbally abusive, but he just laughs, while swearing at me, calling me names. I am still broken and can’t figure out what I just went through. The entire time I was accused of lying and cheating (which I never did) and found out that he was not honest with me and blows off his own lies as if it is no big deal, but berates me over the smallest thing.
Yep, I was constantly accused of affairs… with other men, other women, anyone he could think of and I never cheated. And yet I was the one HE couldn’t trust. He pushed that ‘button’ so many times it eventually stopped working and that drove him even more crazy.
We’re in the process of getting a divorce and because I didn’t leave him for someone else (which would prove what a horrible person I am to him and everyone else) but simply left him because after 10 years of this I’ve woken up, he is FURIOUS. The vitriol and abuse is horrendous and now he is trying to take revenge by making legal problems for me. It’s truly sad to see the level to which he has sunk especially since everything I have ever done is above board and he’s the one who has faked his logbooks and left behind debt.
I feel as if my story was just told through this article. My ex, broke it off with me after I got upset because other women were texting him, “stroking his ego” all hours of the night. When I confronted him about it, he denied that he even got a text, said I was hearing things and even denied that I had asked him who was texting at the moment it happend, saying I’m imagining things. When the truth came out and I told him how it’s not ok and I do not want that, he broke up with me saying that I simply don’t trust him and he doesn’t need that. After a couple other times that I’ve tried to end things he didn’t let me and convinced me to take him back. But this time he ended it and still texts me as of to have a hold on me, which makes it impossible to move on. I honestly feel that this article describes him to a T. Even about have one or two people stroking his ego or for sex. I couldn’t even say how many times I’ve caught him in his lies and how many times he tried to lie about his lies…this has made me feel more determined. Yes it’s very hard to go through a break up with someone like him. I’ve been seeing him for almost a year, but realizing that it wasn’t real in the first place gives me strength to move forward and simply not allow him to make me feel guilty for the end of the relationship. I know my worth and someone unworthy like him will never see my worth, will never take any blame, will never appreciate the person that I am no matter how hard I try to convince him.
I couldn’t find a way to edit my post below. The reason I need to know if she is a Naricissist is I can then let her go. If she isn’t then I may have done her a great injustice and would move heaven & earth to make it right to her.
Hello everyone! thanks y’all for your courageous testimonials. And a special thanks to the author of this article.
I have been married to a textbook narc for 2.5yrs now. The beginning was very sweet and warm. As we got closer, i started seeing some bizarre behaviors. He was very secretive, protective of his upbringing, not easily affectionate/romantic ( NEVER gives me a compliment or encouragement whatsoever) And never apologizes for wrong doing;even if you’re visibly upset. Sometimes, i catch him smirking after hurting my feelings. I always get,”if what i said hurt your feelings, you’re the problem,not me. Or you’re too sensitive etc.. The constant mental anguish,cold shoulder,down talking and throwing me under the bus to his parents every time we had an argument( his parents are ever involved in our marriage, they know what’s going on in my relationship than i do). This is taking a toll on me!! I have to bend to his rules all the time, participate in activities he’s interest. And if i don’t, i get the silent treatment for days. He ALWAYS refuses to take part in any activities i want to do..It’s all about him.
I went back to school for my master’s and i’ve received nothing but flack from him since day one. He’s not helping me with my education, but still criticize, talk down and discourage my decision to better my life academically. Now i see he’s trying to build a fence between me and family and friends. People that have my best interest! I can’t wait to finish school, so,i can move on with my life. Fortunately, we don’t have kids together. So the transition would be much easier. I feel for all going and had gone through this. It’s mentally, physically, emotionally,spiritually,financially exhausting but i believe we gonna be ok. Hang in there and pls RUN from this pain. It never gets better!!
Sorry for the long post however I hope you find it interesting. I’m sitting here feeling I have been “hoovered”. My ex has just visited however I am still unsure if my ex fiancée is a Narcissist – please tell me what you think? Before we got together I had know her for a couple of years and while finding her very attractive I had told myself I would not get involved with her as she had “anger problems” . However her father died and a week after his funeral she approached me saying she had been let down by her now ex on the day of her fathers funeral. She looked so unhappy I asked her to come round for a meal to talk – she ended up staying 7 months. During the first 8 weeks she was everything a man could want with the exception of sex which I initially put down to her grieving for her Father. We had sex, however not for the first two weeks then about once every 3 weeks. After the 8 week “honeymoon” period she started to become very moody. She sometimes sat all day on her Kindle Facebooking getting more and more deeper into a black mood. She would be angry at me for no apparent reason and if she wanted a row there was no way of avoiding it as she would follow me about until I snapped – sometime for two whole hours making it late into the night! She would regularly throw and break things such as her mobile phone – even her much loved Kindle got it’s fair share of being thrown.
While I cooked for both of us regularly she would not make a meal for me without a big show of it and in the 7 months we were together I think she may have made me just one or two cups of tea – I on the other hand took hot chocolate to her every morning! On more than one occasion she cooked herself a meal and as usual cooked twice what she could eat, when I asked her for the leftovers she threw them in the bin rather than let me have them. I took her on a beautiful once in a lifetime holiday and still she was miserable – even leaving me on our return to go back to the ex who had let her down so badly the day of her fathers funeral. This reunion only lasted a day and she was back to me within 10 days. She said she acted this way as she needed security so I asked her to marry me. It seems crazy to say this in hindsight however all seemed fine until I realised we were still only having sex once every 3 weeks. On attempting to talk to her about this I was met with five different reasons for her low libido – a different excuse each time we spoke about it! I asked her to visit the Doctors to see if there was a medical cause for her low libido and she said she would make the appointment however she never made it so eventually I postponed the wedding. At this point she made the Doctors appointment but as she would not let me go with her I have no idea if she spoke about low libido or one of her other ailments. All I know is nothing changed in the sex department.
She would also talk down to me in front of joint friends while being charming to them, she did this so obviously one of our friends pulled her up about it but she claimed it was OK as she was only joking. If she walked around town she expects everyone to get out of her way no mater how big or elderly they are. On one occasion she even verbally attacked an elderly lady in a supermarket who did not move out of her way even though my ex could have easily gone around the poor woman! I had a minor operation and she was asked by the consultant if she would care for me for the first 24 hours after the op & she said she would – unsurprisingly she didn’t.
My dog was so traumatised by the screaming and shouting from my ex that latterly she headed for the door at the mere sound of my fiancée’s voice. One day I came home from an early morning walk with the dog to find my ex absolutely miserable again. I told her she knew I was usually a happy person & I did not have enough days in my life to waste being miserable for no reason and I was tired of being pulled down by her bad moods. I explained I would never again ask why she was unhappy and would assume it was not me causing them unless specifically told otherwise. I also explained it didn’t mean I didn’t love her as she could always talk if she wanted to. Over the next 2 weeks – with the exception of her birthday – she was more miserable than ever and finally she goaded me into telling her it was all over. She found a place to stay and moved out within the week (I believe she had this bolt hole lined up before getting me to end it).
Additional information: She is 28. She has little contact with her family including her mother. She was not liked at school by the teachers or pupils due to her disruptive behaviour. She has no real friends. By her own admission she is lazy. She lies and is very secretive even when there is no need to lie. She cannot handle her finances and is always in debt, not even paying her household bills. On the plus side she is very honest with money and never liked the times when she had no income and lived on my earnings. I offered to pay her debts but she would not allow me to – rather cynically I now think this is because she didn’t want to feel she owed me something.
She also has something I call “Andy Syndrome” after the character Andy in Little Britain. Like Andy she would ask for something and once I had bought it for her she would either discard it, not use it or just say I don’t want it now – sometimes with items costing as much as £90.
After all this ill treatment you would think I would be glad she has gone but the opposite is true. I miss her, in my eyes she is physically beautiful, and I so want to help her see she is ruining her life with multiple short lived turbulent relationships (5 that I know of in just three years). Thanks for reading.
@Fred-20.05.2016 @ 8:50 am
I wonder why you are willing to put up with being treated like this? You cook for her and bring her hot chocolate. She makes more than enough for herself and throws the rest away WITHOUT asking if you would like some? She won’t take care of you when you have to have an operation?
What do you LIKE about this person besides her looks? Imagine what it will be like when you get old. If it isn’t good now it won’t get better later. Her past train wreck history proves that.
She isn’t interested in a relationship. She needs someone to pay her bills while she acts out. You should ask her ex why they broke up. Ask your friends what they think. That would be telling… If you want to know how you really feel then you will likely have to go cold turkey from her for at least 6 months so you can see how your life feels when you aren’t writhing in the weeds of abuse. And it is abuse. Don’t let anyone try to tell you otherwise.
I also suggest reading the book ‘Ask and it is Given’ by Esther and Jerry Hicks
“Learn how to manifest your desires so that you’re living the joyous and fulfilling life you deserve.”
They talk about the role emotions play in manifesting your future and how emotional vampires who suck energy throw you off. Learn how to recognize them so you can redirect your thoughts/life toward more positive beings.
Right now you can’t see the forest for the trees because you are being gaslighted into obscurity. Please pull yourself away, at least temporarily and see how much better life can be with a person who supports you and helps you fulfill your dreams. Someone who doesn’t hold your head under water while your trying to drag them to shore.
Lisa ref comment to
@Fred-20.05.2016 @ 8:50 am7
You were so right sbout her. She lost her job, ended up pregnant by a man already in a relationship in the hope she could trap the man into looking after her for the rest of her life rather than work. Unfortunately she discovered he lied about his wealth and she ended up in a council flat struggling to oay the bills. She is as miserable as ever but the good news is after all I did for her she painted me black which helped me see her for what she is, a parasite who has no idea what love is and someone who I now see
just uses others without the slightest thought of how it may affect them. I am now out of the FOG, moving on and feel well rid of her.
This article is on point. This is exactly what I was going through the lies, manipulation….he had me questioning my insanity…the part about the psychological parasite fits me to a T. My mind was so consumed with what he was doing wasn’t doing I was trying so hard to make it “right” so he wouldn’t leave me he actually opened up after I dont know how many years and told me he was talking to someone else which I suspected and kept trying to get him to confess. Which is why I say he has narcissistic tendencies…and every time I walked away he’d come back stronger playing the “nice” role baby this baby that making promises all talk no action…smh I was so completely wrapped up in him the whole time going against my values and my beliefs, he crossed my boundaries and didn’t have a care as long as he got what he wanted later when we would have a argument about it he denied it. Everything he did he blamed on me took responsibility for absolutely nothing!! And now he’s begging for me to come back not anymore…I’ve gone back and back and back nothing had changed and I’ve come to the sad realization that it never will. I’ve learned to love , respect and card for myself…I put my all into this I exhausted myself literally..got so stressed out over him I got physically sick literally….my blinders are finally off I’m to the point now where I can move on with no emotional feelings…I’ve been detaching myself from him and so far it’s been working now im getting back to me . The sad part is that I still love him but we can love people from a distance right?
I cannot believe how this could have been written based on the past 6 1/2 years of my life and how the relationship ended! I am so thankful I came across this article. I questioned myself so much and this has really helped validate that what I went through was real. Also it was comforting to know that I was not alone in the things I had been through…I felt so alone. I am still desperately struggling to put my life back together. It is so so hard. Any tips on how to heal would be so appreciated. There have been many nights since I was discarded that the pain was so overwhelming I just wanted to end my life. Thank you so very much for the confirmation and the insight! above all else love
Excellent! This spells it out clearly.
I recently got out of a 6 month relationship with a CN…I didn’t go through a major devaluing stage but experienced major love bombing and started noticing things that weren’t “right”…catching lies and no remorse while neing a very “devoted” Christian (which was just a mask obviously)I thank God for his ex that was willing to sit and talk with me as to why she only allowed supervised visits with their child…and a couple really good friends that lovingly warned me that he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing due to all the circumstances which I couldn’t see through all the live bombing. Mind fuck, perfectly describes the situation…no contact is hard had to end up paying extra to get him blocked….I did go back several times but NEVER again.
I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist for the past one year. The only thing that makes me doubt that he is really one is that there was no love bombing. He did not make huge efforts to win me over, because I think he knew I was very attracted to him n I was making an effort to impress him.I’m confident he does not cheat on me and honest and open with his activities. It also seems like sometimes he makes an effort to make our relationship better. However, he shifts blame, holds me responsible for his childish n bad behavior, convinces me that my feelings are not real, picks at my faults then punishes me for it,does not allow me to do the things he thinks are unimportant even if it’s related to my career. He told me that I am lazy, do not have the stamina to hang on to the relationship, am not committed and I am running away when things get hard. Just a few of his narc traits. The hurtful part is he knows all my flaws so well, n has provided me with ways to improve them, but says that I don’t make an effort to improve. The sad part is he is everything I wanted in a guy, except for his narc qualities. I feel disappointed I should meet someone so suitable yet so wrong.Although I know he is impossible to work with, I really do worry that all my flaws pushed him away n that I was too dramatic and emotional around him.
Hardest thing I have had to do is walk away from a narcissist…everyday I struggle, everyday I miss him but everytime he lured me back with promises of changing I am quickly reminded why I left in the first place and everytime after. I wish he would really change…
I’ve been trying to understand what I’ve been doing wrong for the last three years. This article has helped me see more clearly now. Thank you. Its time to walk away.
I’ve read so much on narcissistic abuse the last couple of years. I was in one of those relationships for nearly 4 years. I felt peace every single time we would break up and I would walk away. Then, he would return and I thought I had this. I can stand up to his lies and infidelity and he would get it. He’s changed! After dozens of times of that, the truth and the stories from other survivors are real. We’ve been duped. We will keep getting duped as long as we don’t change our behaviors. The ONLY thing that works is no contact. Period. Do not leave any nook or cranny open. Do not respond to anything. Close that door. Lock it. Nail it shut. Go in your room. Grieve. Take the time you need to grieve. This was NOT a normal relationship. This was pure hell. Then, do what it takes to bring yourself back to a positive way of life…..WITHOUT HIM.
We are both in our 50’s. I have never seen such child’s play as I have in the last 4 years of my life. I’m saddened, but I’m better. It may have taken dozens of times to get it, but I’m glad I do now. I will not go over all of the crazy dramatic reality show type behavior he put me through. I did that the first few times he duped me. But I will say that once you drop telling your family and friends all the crap he/she has put you through and they’re allowed some peace from listening to all of it, you will get some peace too. They know. People who have been burned by the N know. You don’t have to defend yourself. What you owe yourself is to change you. Let that N go. Out of your communication all together. It’s going to feel like a horrible case of withdrawal, but try to pamper yourself and know that this was in no way a normal breakup. Hell, it wasn’t a normal relationship. The N is sick. You can’t help or change him/her. You CAN change you. Strive to reach for beautiful and peaceful. Start by slamming that door to the N forever. Listen to positive affirmations. Do not let the negativity of that N leave your lips while you fix you. Speak beauty and peace. And I know this will be hard…send out blessings and peace in a prayer for the N. Then make the non-negotiable decision to let him/her go.
I am now just realizing i am in a relationship with a narcissist. I have never felt so depressed and yet weirdly attached to anyone. He was so charming and kind, and can still play that card, but then over time constant criticisms happened, belittling, then pathological lieing. He told his ex at one point that he was not with anyone else, that he would like to get back with her possibly (while dating me) and told ME that he could not have any info about us on his facebook because his ex is suicidal and will commit suicide if he sees he has another girlfriend.
That was months ago, when he was being sweet and charming and it was so easy for him to say some simple words “I only had to talk to her to figure out i need to be with you” to get me to stay.
But now that it has almost been a year I NEED out. I am going to go absolutely insane. My confidence has plummeted. yet he knows when I am pulling away and will start being so affectionate again. He constantly corrects me or demeans every thing that I do, so i dont talk much anymore when were together. But of course, he has negative things to say about that too.
Going absolutely insane 🙂 Yup.
Wow…I felt like you were a fly in the wall in my house with my recent ex!! We had a turbulent 3 year relationship that I finally had to end (a week ago today) When we first met, he told me that I “saved him”…I was doted on and adored by him in the beginning. I read a reply from another woman, and he said the exact same thing her ex did..” We are twin flames”.
I moved with him to Oregon (his home state) from my home state. We spent another year and a half together there. He got a job and had to leave the state for training…and he cheated on me. We broke up shortly after that. When we broke up, he accused me of hacking his emails to his social media accounts and “stalking him online”. He blamed the cheating on me because I had become “fat, lazy and ugly” and “you don’t take care of yourself anymore.” He even bashed me as a mom.
Unfortunately, I bought into his mind fucking abilities and blamed myself for everything. Like a fool I stayed in contact with him. I would get sparse text messages from him and then they stopped. I knew that he had met someone else and I was devastated. I convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough for anyone and contemplated suicide.
I knew that his demeaning and disgusting behavior towards me wasn’t normal. I had to begin to repair my self image and esteem. We had been separated for 5 months when he texted me out of the blue, with a picture of himself and my youngest child. I was shocked.
Unfortunately I fell for his “I’ve had an epiphany and I know that I messed everything up, I still love you and need you in my life” line. Like a fool, I went back. I’ve spent the last 5 months trying to figure out why we were back together. For the first month, it was like we were back I tune with one another. Constant laughing, doting..I felt we were rebuilding our lives again.
It became a roller coaster ride in month two. Constant bickering and blaming me for his unhappiness. It didn’t matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough for him. He constantly accused me of being jealous, controlling, and not taking care of myself again. He was never at fault for anything. When he wanted sex and I didn’t, he told me he was going to go buy a prostitute and teach me a lesson.
That finally turned a switch on in my head. I knew that this wasn’t a healthy relationship and it was never going to be one. I rented a UHaul trailer, loaded up my boys and our clothes and left. I had to block him on all social media and my phone.
I know that I have a road ahead of me to rebuild my life, but I’m happy that I left. The sense of freedom I feel is amazing..the sense of self esteem and self love I feel is even better!
Definitely eye opening for me. I was just dumped 2 months ago. Was seeing another woman 2 weeks after I had to go home to my parents because of illness. He acted like everything was fine and then just started going longer without talking to me, but still acting like we were fine. Then he posted on Facebook that he had a new GF and she might be pregnant! Since then, every week to 10 days, he feels the need to terrorize me with details of how much he loves her, chooses her, etc. One minute he calls me his friend. Then he will say he will always love me, but picks her. She needs him more. Then in our last conversation, he said he doesn’t care about me and he wouldn’t be jealous if I was dating 1 man or 20 men. So with my head spinning, I’m finally going no contact because the roller coaster ride has to stop somewhere. I have no self esteem left. I used to be a strong person and my friends can’t believe how much he changed me into this shell of a person who spends 24/7 obsessing over him cheating all those years and missing him. I wouldn’t trust myself for a second in his presence, so I have to get away from him. He has to be a narcissist. It’s all about him. Always was. Oh and he’s a sex addict/porn addict as well.
This is a classic – I broke up with a narcissistic boyfriend. He had all the classic maladies someone with the NPD has. However, he wasn’t very savvy – he was a neophytic narcissist who would say things to me, after letting him go, “I’m seeing someone I’d like you to meet.” This was very amusing to me and I guess it was to make me jealous. I didn’t bite. Then, two weeks later after telling me he’s seeing someone, he called me and asked for “those condoms” he left in a gym bag in my office that I did not know were there! I have three closets in my office, and one of them holds a lot of “junk.” Apparently, he had placed a gym bag in the closet and asked me to retrieve the condoms (he had a harem) and send them to him! Narcissists not only undervalue you, as the “supply” but your intelligence as well. I couldn’t stop laughing. I was wondering if anyone else had these “weird” encounters with their Narcs. Thank you.
I literally just broke up with my Narcissistic (DSM criteria worthy) boyfriend of two years about an hour ago. I have been through hell and back the manipulation is just incredible. It was not a normal ending: I sent a text, blocked him on my phone, email and I also had to block his parents due to the severe enmeshment. Here’s to hoping he leaves me alone. Your article is helping me to process the pain associated with finally leaving him. Thank you 🙂
Wow! This article hit me like a ton of bricks. You are describing my husband EXACTLY. We’ve been married for 20 years and 15 of them he has been sick. You name it, he has it. Cancer, heart problems etc. I basically gave up my whole lift to help him through all this. Not once did he say thank you or show appreciation. Whenever I voiced my opinion or expressed a ‘need’ he berated me constantly. And then one day he just left. And left me heart-broken with no self-esteem. Wow – thanks for this article. It made me understand a lot of things.
My GF has just dumped me after 13 yrs, I loved her more than anything. I have gone through hell and back with her,Over the 1st 8yrs she kept telling me to pack my things and go (even though my family lived 100 miles away),Because i gave her back what she gave me..I went to live back with my parents but she always txt me saying “I love and miss you,Im sorry”)..I always went back to her,This happened lots of times. I once said no im not coming back this time,And for the 1st time ever ,she said “If you come home i will go and get some help with it”,I went back to her. I left it for 2 weeks and brought it back up saying to her “When are you going to see someone about the things you do then.?”.She turned to me and said”Its not me that needs help,Its YOU”…She was good at saying “your sleeping on the sofa tonight”…By the way it was her house,Not mine…I lived with her for 8 years with my belongings in boxes. I could never be a step father to her 2 children because when i needed to tell them off,She started with me..I stopped going out drinking with her because after a few drinks i was looked in the eye and called allsorts of nasty names. She caused trouble with me for the littlest of things..I loved her so much though 🙁 . I planned to get engaged to her and after i spent a fortune on meal and flowers for her i got one one knee and proposed to her.She just looked at me holding the diamond ring in a box and just said”Errrr i dont know,Give me a min,Errrrm.”…I got back up off my knee and said forget it then. She then said sorry and would i do it again (Dickhead me went back on one knee)..After i gave her the ring she looked at me and said “Don’t go thinking that you own me now,Because you dont”. Over the next few weeks i got that ring thrown back at me numerous times,Until i just didnt give it back….She used to let her 15 yr old daughter talk to me like crap and say nothing to her,When i shouted at her daughter she would go to her mother and then i got a good telling in front of the daughter,Obviously this all led to her 2 kids having no respect for me at all..I used to say “Time for bed children”,They completely ignored me and looked at mum,She said “yes its bedtime, they would then go to bed”..I was so upset and angry at what i was going through with her, I said “Do you see whats happening here with the children.??”.All i got was “Theyre my kids not yours,Stop picking on them”….I felt lost…I used to do everything for her and her 2 children,But they both grew up watching mum treat me with no respect..I was called boring a lot by mum in front of the kids..Couldnt watch football on tv “I had to go upstairs to watch it”…I used to cook and clean and wash and iron for her ..Took her breakfast in bed…Yet she treated me like complete dirt,,Then was lovely with me for a few days,Then back to argueing with me..Saying “I can do better than you,I know i can”…And yet i still loved her so much….She also went away with her sister for a weekend and i found out she had slept with someone else whilst drunk (I found a condom in her handbag)…But denied it…I also found about 30 letters hidden in our bedroom from a guy she was writing to in prison whom she knew very well (He always had a crush on her), I read them all whilst she went out one night , They were nothing but filth from him explaining what he would like to do with her etc etc……She said it was “Harmless Fun”.!……It was then i left HER house and got myself my own place….I never went back to live with her but still had a so called relationship with her..Because yes “I LOVED HER”…Anyway, she came to my place in october 2015 out the blue to say “i want to start seeing someone else”, It was only 8 days earlier i did lots of jobs for her around her house, and bought her a big bunch of roses ,Also slept together…..Ive put up with so much shit that i could go on for 3 days….I dont know if shes a Narcissist or what.????…But im still heartbroken and its been 3 months since she left me for another guy…Shes all happy by the way,Whilst im gutted and cant sleep properly anymore…..Bitch.!!!
This article is spot on! I just had my first romantic encounter with the most terrible narcissist I’ve ever met (and I’ve met a few). He chased me around when I first met him and cornered me to investigate me. I didnt seem interested, because i wasnt, which I guess drove his ego wild and made him more interested. I had just gotten out of a relationship, my heart was broken, and i had no desire to try and date someone. But alas, we had to be around eachother because we had a class together. And before we’d hardly even talked to eachother, he took me aside, and with tears in his eyes, he told me that he was in love with me. The tears made me believe it. He was a damn good liar. He told me this long story about his life and how I was helping him “learn to love again”. I was vulnerable and so while I was cautious, I slowly began to fall for him. And thus, I became the codependent savior. He seemed sweet as pie at first. He made me food, we stared at eachother forever, he told me how wonderful i was, he even went as far to say he thought we had a psychic connection and were twin flames. It was all very enchanting and endlessly romantic. But the closer we got, the more it seemed like there was something about him that felt so disconnected. He would flow between ultra romantic, affectionate, sweet, and doting, to being a straight up ass for no reason. He was HORRIBLY critical of anyone and everyone, yet he held off being critical with me at first because he was trying to win me over. It made me feel special at first until nasty criticisms about me started slipping out. And then he would always want to gaslight and pick at my wounds as if I had deep, serious issues. I started to pull away from him because I could sense that I might have a narcissist on my hands. He cried, and then told me that we could just be friends…but ALSO…that I should travel with him around the US of course. I tried to tell him our relationship wouldnt be healthy and tried to spare his feelings by not mentioning his apparent issues, but he would go between agreeing with me and then trying to manipulate me back into his life. After 5 months of dealing with him, its reached the point that I have to avoid seeing him or ignore him in passing in the halls at school. It bothers me to know that someone can actually cry and lie to your face about loving you. I have so much built up anger because of my reluctance to react and give him what he wants. He wants me to be sad that he’s gone. Im not sad that the real him is gone, but I am sad that the guy I thought I was falling for is a huge lie. I am glad that I realized early on that this guy was bad news and didn’t decide to date him or have sex with him. That would’ve really tore me up. We were intimate at one point, which quickly escalated and was very intense. Although tempting, I prevented myself from doing anything sexual because I normally just like to take things slow. Being a narcissist, he would’ve went further for sure. He tried to push for more, and he would’ve done it if I would’ve let him. Im SOOO glad I didnt, because when I give my body to someone, my heart can be smashed into a million pieces. I feel so sorry for anyone who has been in a committed relationship with a narcissist. If you are with onor have suspicions that youre interested in one, get out! Now. It’s not worth it.
Wow, well I bookmarked this, but I’m happy to say I don’t think I’ll need to return to it. You hit the nail so many times that the hammer broke! 😀
I just walked away for good from a covert narcissist, and I am finally seeing the light. For over a year, I experienced this and so much more. I’m one of the lucky ones in that I only ever experienced the pain over email – I never met him. It’s complicated, and it could have been so much worse.
I experienced the love bombing, the withdrawal of affection on a slow and gradual basis, the silent treatment, the blame shifting and the inability to show any empathy for my feelings. It’s been one hell of a roller coaster ride.
I ended things once and for all last week, closed my email account and got the hell away. I wasted over a year of my life on a man who is deeply damaged. I mourn for the friendship I thought was there, but it was all a façade. I realise that now. I mourn for the time I wasted on fighting with my emotions, wondering how somebody could be so cold and typing and deleting replies – hmmm…I walked on a lot of eggshells.
For anybody out there wondering if life is better, yes it is. It took me a few times to finally leave this behind for good, but I’m confident this is it now. I feel stronger for my experience and feel pity for him because he will never know or experience that kind of enlightenment or change.
I could seriously read the comments for days. I could almost copy and paste most of them, bits of some, pieces of others as my own life. I’m not a crazy, nosey b#@ch after all. It’s incredible. I feel so much better and extremely relieved. Im upset with myself that I’ve wasted over two years on this Narcissistic A@#, but nothing like the present to start getting on with my life. I appreciate everyone that shared their stores. I hope you find peace and clarity. Thank you for writing this article. What did people do before that had an internet community to turn to??? I can just feel that my life is going to change.
Wow. This has validated every thing I have been feeling about the person I am dating. The difficult thing is that we work together. So I have been secretly job searching so that I can make my escape. He is very much the type to just not let me go not matter how hard I try to just stop all communication, he drags me back in. I am perfectly content with knowing that he never loved me and would like to move on. I know that it’s not me and every word out of his mouth has been a lie or a way to manipulate me. I’m just shocked that people can behave this way. I pray that he can seek help, but God know I am not meant to be with this person. Thank you so much for your perspective on this topic. It has really opened my eyes.
Your article is so well put, it makes so much sense. I have only been dealing with a narcissist for 9-10 months, but it seems like it’s been en eternity, and we just broke up for the last time. Yes,Ive said that before, but I really think and hope that I’m strong enough to stay away this time. Everything you said is so spot on, the way he waltzed back in my life twice, right when I finally felt that I was moving on, and I ended up thinking that he did realize how much I mean to him and that he can’t find anyone like me. And that he appreciates me more. It seemed like he did, he was nicer, apologized for things and made some changes so we can be happy. But he cannot change himself, so the real him still showed in his jealous rages, verbal abuse, put downs and silent treatment (although they’re always short, a couple of day only) until we broke up over the stupidest little thing. And I really just want to move on, and not think or obsess about the past, because I really do feel that he’s not worth a second of my time. Reading articles like this and watching youtube videos (I’ve been doing that for hours every day) really help.
I’ve been reading a lot about this and it always seems to be primarily directed at a relationship. With me it was a friend. I can see they way she treated men in the above article but she done most of those things to me. She lied, manipulated and the thing I had a hard time getting over was loaning money and then being accused of extortion when I asked for it back. Don’t get me wrong she was very generous while she was earning but looking back this was another form of control. I didn’t put up with the gas lighting and the nastiness for long which I guess is the difference between friendship and a relationship, although you love that person, you have less invested but it was still difficult to walk away, she happened to make it easier when the only things she could resort to were telling me that I was responsible for everything bad in my life and that my attitude has changed because I lost weight. She tried the being sick and I should talk to her but in the end it was just pathetic. she just moves on to the next source of income and puts out on social media that she’s loving the life of Riley when she’s rotting in a big house loving on benefits.
Thank you so much
i have been in a 3 year relationship with a guy who critisies everything which is beter than him.the minute something is better than him he criticises.never compliments.alwyas feels people are jealous of him.so arrogant and egoist.its always about him.when he does something for me he tells everyone.when i make a mistake he reminds me years after.verbal abuse.manipulating me into thinking i am not a deserving person.dat man reduced me to a psychological mess.i am so depressed and frustruated today.he just up and left after he realised i was no longer good enough for him.i have cried all the tears in my eyes butdue to advice from family n friends and after reading this article, i think i am lucky he left.at least he didnt waste me 8 years and a baby like he did with his ex gf.i can imagine how horrible she felt wen he just left her like dat with the baby.thanks for the article.it hurts now but i hope i move on to something better.
Ijust found this website 2 days ago.It has opened my eyes. everything I,ve been feeling and going through. I’ve been with him for 2 yrs.At first it was great tons of fun and exciting. cConstant attention. Then within weeks we started fighting but I figured we were just very different and needed to figure each other out. Ha little did I know I was hooked. Since then we had a baby. I am financially ruined I’ve lost everything my kids ,my business, and friends al knowinly on mypart. I went with it let him convince me what he says is right for me. promise after promise broken he never follows through with anything. He has ruined every holiday.Family function everything and I allowed it. Now I know I must leave him and get my life back together hopefully my older children will forgive me for leaving them and using such poor judgement. See I’ve moved out of same state as my family to be with him, I have to book a ticket to get back to my real life and I can’t bring myself to do it. Theres this need in me to be with him and I can’t control it. I know he talks to other women socalled “friends”. Ha! I know he wont truly care if I leave. He”ll just move on to the next and thats what kills me. Hes cold and distant Then when he acts all sweet and lovin i know it an act. Everyday I say I hate him hes an ass I have to leave but do nothing about it. I need to be strong.
Thank you so much for this. It’s only been a 6 month long relationship, but the last two were horrid. After the happiest 4 months of my life, he woke up one day and said “I don’t believe in relationships.” WTF?! He kept stringing me along manipulatively, does not care about my feelings at all (this is the insane part, I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THIS MAN, and he does not give a shit).
He started cheating on me with my friends, bragging about his exploits and so on… these months have nearly killed me. I am in a very delicate point in my career (finishing a Ph.D. dissertation) and have overcome so many challenges in my life already, and I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THIS PARASITE ALMOST BROKE ME. Thank you for this clarity. Until I read this, I was still pathetically hanging on his every word, desperate for a bit of attention…. Whilst he throws his mountains of money on other women and drugs. What a monster. THANK YOU. NO CONTACT, DAY 3.
This blog may have saved my family alot of unnessesary anguish.
About a month ago, I came near a nervous breakdown due to some life happenings. I needed my husband to be attentive, sensitive, and intimate. He failed and did not even take the time to notice. He also has a problem with erectile desfunction that I am still trying to find help with. However, this pushed me and I began to use sexual encounter sites to look outside of the marriage. I connected with one guy, it was actually a pretty sexually satisfying meet but something was missing. We did not continue to see eachother.
Then, out of the blue, I was persued by a very unique man who was handsome, economically secure, and seemingly unattached. We emailed and I was very aloof. I was not even sure I wanted to meet him. But he talked to me on the phone for hours. Much about his life as an athlete, his family, and headaches. We actually had alot in common. I was intrigued. I should have noticed that it was difficult to get a word in edgewise.
We decided to meet. The sex was mind-blowing. His energy was so high and he was attentive, into me. Or so I thought.
Days would pass and I find it was difficult for me to function. I had hardly no one to talk about this affair. I definitely could not tell my husband. So I seeked more and more of him. It was like an addiction. The sex actually changed and started to become a power play with me on my knees (which I did enjoy) to him receiving all of the pleasure I could muster. I wanted him to feel for me the way I was feeling about him. He would send me mixed signals afterwards. But he would not stop texting and seeing me. I asked if he was falling for me (I made sure not to use that four letter word-love) and he quickly answers “no”.
I began to have trouble understanding and rationalizing why I would continue to see him, destroy my marriage, and give up my body for pleasure…..it was insane.
I came accross your blog and I am cconvinced that he is a narc. He has a inflated tone of his ego (when he speaks) and he never showed any type of concern for my children, marriage, and the turmoil I was in due to our affair.
All of the initial talking was for me to empathize with him and to keep me hooked (psychologically) and that is what angers me the most and what makes him so dangerous.
I have began to start a “no contact” measure. But I am still missing him and wondering if he ever felt anything for me. I am continuing to read the blog and comments and praying for strength.
I was ready to leave my husband for this guy…
Two years ago I was swept away by a beautiful, intelligent waitress. Her opening comment to me was “I have been watching you for two weeks.” Then she put both her arms around my neck. I melted. As time went by she confessed she was a senior in college and had a boyfriend she lived with. I saw him once and immediately labeled him a loser. I thought my relationship with her would work. She did amazing things for me no other woman ever had. She said outrageous things which indicated her interest in me. However, I began to notice there was a significant difference in what she said and what she would do for me. I also noticed that she was arrogant, overly prideful and haughty. A friend suggested that perhaps she was just a tease. But I had been with a tease briefly before and I knew she wasn’t a tease. After a year of indulging her, she forgot my birthday. I was devastated. She asked for forgiveness and I forgave her. I rationalized the relationship by say, well, she’s like a Hollywood Star. I have to accommodate her but she can only give me what she wants. I lied to myself and said that if I really loved her, I would accept her for what she is and love her in spite of it. This went on for eight months and in that eighth month she was over the top wonderful to me. Then she “ran away” emotionally and was “unavailable”. “Don’t put your arm around me.” Etc. Long story short, somehow, I got a book on narcissism and saw that she has several major narcissistic characteristics. She is always right. She always has to be in control. Rules that apply to her don’t apply to me and rules that apply to me don’t apply to her. She cannot take any criticism and I can’t make even the slightest joke at her expense. She got mad at me last March and didn’t hardly speak to me for four days. She got mad at me last August and didn’t speak to me for two weeks. She did ask my forgiveness both times and from what I can tell she doesn’t lie to me. However, she does have the narcissistic characteristics I have identified. I am in the process of ending the relationship. I have chosen to gradually let it die rather than make a clean break. This may end up being a mistake; if so, I will then make the clean break. There are many hard things to process in the relationship. I truly loved her. She never loved me. She did more “little things” to show her interest in me than any woman had ever done for me including the two women I’ve been married to. She is smart, beautiful, great figure, talented in the kitchen, funny, charming, etc. I have already moved on, mostly, emotionally, but she’s so into herself she can’t even she the signs yet. Plus she found my “replacement” last May. I talked to him two nights ago. He thinks she’s the greatest woman in the world. He doesn’t know the real her and I’m not going to tell him as he wouldn’t believe me anyway. I used to envy her loser boyfriend. Now I feel sorry for him. He is the number one victim in her web. Just be aware that not all narcissists are “textbook” narcissists. It’s a spectrum. The bottom line for me was, she always had to be in control; the relationship was never equal; rules that applied to me never applied to her and vice versa; what she said and what she did were not the same; she could not stand criticism of any kind. Thank you for this article and the ability to post comments to help others who seek to remove themselves from these toxic relationships. God bless.
I forgot to add that she has anger issues. By moving away from her emotionally last August I was able to spend more time with another woman that I had written off previously. By seeing my narcissistic girl friend in her true light I was able to properly see the true love, care and concern of this second woman who has my attention now. This second woman is nothing like the narcissistic one. She is kind, humble, generous and spiritual. I will invest my life in her and see where things go.
This page has really brought me some sanity and peace! I was a recently divorced (my decision) mom who met a man online, recently divorced. He had the biggest sob story,,but he was not destitute and he was fun! I saw lots of red flags that I knew were red flags at the time but I also knew I was on the rebound and wasn’t in this relationship forever..just for ‘now.’ well the relationship deepened to my surprise. He would tell me he loved me as we were falling asleep (on the weekends as I did not live with him) and then the next day say something like “I talk in my sleep some times, don’t listen to me.” He was very thin with a big beer belly. Admitted to drinking whiskey since age 10 as his dad owned a bar and used to give him alcohol! He was hot and cold. That is the thing that drove me the most crazy. One minute I was the love of his life and by the end of that same conversation I was ‘crazy’ ‘stupid’ ‘old’ ‘sloppy’ a ‘loser’…you get the point. He liked to use a calm voice when insulting me and would point out since it was a calm voice we should be able to talk like adults. Everything was about him. I would say one thing and he’d start up a new conversation on a completely different topic as if I were not there. I felt invisible. Little did I realize I truly was not seen by him. I was his object, his hobby, his entertainment. His sex toy. He was like a hyper little boy. He would flirt with women and ask them out right in front of me! We never could sit at a table in a restarant, always had to sit at the the bar. I was never comfortable doing that. Well we went out for 5 years! Let me tell you, I am so glad I got away. I made myself the ‘bad guy’ and I blew up at him and left! It was so bad during the time we were together. His control. I would be out shopping and see something cute for myself and wouldn’t get it – because I knew HE wouldn’t like it! I let my hair grow really long because that’s what HE liked. If I cut my hair in a cute short style he called me ‘butch’. He had a temper and a big voice and he would turn that voice on in public with whomever he pleased. He would verbally challenge people and threaten to beat their ass. He was so intimidating. He is an alcoholic and over the 5 years with him I came to drink a lot. At first it was for fun, social and only on weekends. Then he wanted more of my time so he would come over twice a week to work out and have lunch, and drink…Then he wanted me at his house the entire weekend, EVERY weekend@! I had kids, and he would always argue with me that was just an ‘excuse.’ Whenever he was at my house he had to have the main tv picture adjusted to his approval. He wouldn’t watch any movie or show that didn’t have the perfect picture resolution. He hated theater, refused to go. I noticed whenever I would get excited about anything (my son being accepted to college, etc), my N would immediately tear it down and dismiss it. He and my adult son did not get along. My N had this huge ego and get his ,,he was in his 50’s and lived with his mom!!!!! He had a (before me)felony record, could not work for anyone else because he was too high strung, had his own biz that wasn’t making him any money, so his mom bought houses and kept him busy flipping them while he lived in them. Finally she got tired of that and moved in that last home she bought. They still live there together! Yet he acts like it’s HIS house and he doesn’t pay anything toward it, no cash, no utilities. Yet he has the nerve to tell me how to run my life and other people how to run theirs.
He recently sent me emails of links to youtube songs, talked about his regrets and good memories of us. Then when I responded he came back with a long eamil that he is not my friend and that I should leave him alone!
The N truly, truly does not see any human other than themselves. He only wanted me around for a trophy GF, to have someone to keep him busy, the sex and for social fun. It wasn’t love. That’s not love. I am so glad, so so glad I am away from him. I feel 10000% better every day! I can buy the clothes I like, and wear MY hair the way I like and not have to justify it to anyone! It’s insane how much I tolerated to be with that man. Once I decided to stand up for myself, our relationship ended and I’m proud of that! I hope others can find the same strength. It is totally worth it!
The devastation which these people bring to your life is indescribable. I have been raped, molested as a child and lost a husband to suicide. Nothing has brought me down farther into the depths of hellish despair and confusion, as the past 7 years I have spent with someone, whom I now know to be a narcissist.
I am so mentally and emotionally drained by the end if this three year relationship I can hardly start to explain my utmost gratitude for this article, I thought my best friend and I were in love until the day a month ago that he jumped my back fence and moved in with a younger blonder girl who I had been asking him about lately , I have been in my room for over a month calling and texting like a psychopath (exactly as he wants so he can use for attention ) and I have been simply destroyed. my codependantness is killing me right now because it’s like I want to buy him something so he’ll come back which is soooooo stupid and beneath me and he isn’t coming back anyways. I am saying and doing things that I never thought I would say (beg) or do (one night stands , 2 this month ) just to ease the pain of being completely ignored . When I’ve tricked hin into getting on the phone he starts screaming just to humiliate me. This is the fourth time in three years he’s done so , I have borderline personality disorder and am an addict so I am sure it’s making it extra horrible , plus the fact that I’ve allowed myself to be back in this position once again. I’m angry at myself for still loving and wanting him, I’m mad at myself for self mutilating while I try to figure him out (fix him lol) . In my head I know I’m beautiful and nice and generous ( feels weird to compliment myself ) and I deserve better but still I only want him and I hate him so much I’m so mad, I’m pretty sure I need to go back into outpatient therapy at the psychiatric hospital here in amarillo to get through this crap uuugh my email is xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx if anyone wants to contact me , there’s so much more but it’s just exhausting and exactly like all your stories, thank u
Sometimes I wonder what happened to us
And some days I miss you so much
My heart starts breaking all over again
Knowing nothing’s for real, it’s the end.
And sometimes I’m crazy for you
And sometimes I’m nuthin but blue
Remembering your hold
I thought that we would grow old
Together no more cause you’re through.
The change was so fast, I wasn’t ready
What happened to new starts and going steady
Yet you thought the worst
It was clear I wasn’t first
In your heart any more on that day
Each morning I hold my head high
In my heart I know it’s a lie
And at night the tears flow
Cos of how fast you let go
Of me and our dreams, say goodbye.
And sometimes I’m crazy for you
And sometimes I’m nuthin but blue
Yet as each day goes by and
The less that I cry
I know that I’ll fade the memories of you.
So there will come a day
I’ll truly be okay and I’ll smile at the joy I’ve found in me
I’ll find love again, but first I’ll make sure I mend…so that this never hapens again.
Thank you so much for this article. I’ve been battling with my narc ex for the last few years in the courts. He’s doing everything he can to leave me with nothing financially, even though we built up substantial assets during the years we were together. I’ve tried seeking justice through the proper channels in the courts, but he’s done such a good job with hiding evidence and smear campaigns it’s going nowhere and the courts are siding with him. I have a card up my sleeve I’ve been keeping as a last resort and I think I now need to use it. I’m certain he’s not paid anywhere near the amount of income tax over the years that he should have so I’m thinking I need to threaten him with reporting him to the IRS for tax evasion if he continues to try and walk off with all of our assets. I’d love to know your opinion on how successful this approach will be with a narcissist? For the amount involved it’s almost certain that along with massive fines, he’d get several years in prison.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Belinda that’s a tough one. The problem is the more you continue the fight the longer you still have to engage with him and the longer you still have to be embroiled with all the negativity that comes with it. If you decide to continue with the fight I would say that the court can’t side with you without substantial proof that he’s hiding resources. To just make the allegation isn’t enough. I would go the legal route and try to find the proof of what you’re saying. I wouldn’t threaten the IRS nor would I alert them to his situation. I believe in serendipity and letting things unfold in their own good time. Evil people always get the comeuppance even if you’re not the one delivering the knock out punch.
I have been with my husband for 22 years and have 2 beautiful children. I knew he had narcissistic qualities but did not really understand what that meant. 6 weeks ago i discovered my husband’s cheating and the breadth of his betrayal over the years. For me it has come out of now where because i have been ‘blind’ to it all basically. N is such a great actor and knows just how to say the right things at the right time. The pain i fewl is indescribable. Last night, i discovered a whole heap of web articles on narcissists and cheating including this blog. The articles are staggeringly to the point. I have a long road ahead of me.
6 months ago, My children and I ESCAPED my narc. husband of 14 years. The day after we got married, EVERYTHING CHANGED. That man I married was GONE. The entire 14 years was a battle. I endured just about every type of abuse you could ever imagine. Getting away was futile, because he would find me and created so much trouble that nobody wanted to deal with… and I would have no place to go except back to him… He controlled the money, and when I was deemed “disobedient” my car would disappear (even when we had 3 or 4 vehicles) and my ATM card would be reported LOST… He would be out on drug binges while me & the children would be home with no food or heating oil, sitting in a freezing cold house… He kept Wi-Fi video cameras all over the house, some in secret locations-to monitor my activity & try to catch me being disobedient… But all it captured was HIS abuse… I was able to get away when CPS was monitoring ME because of a false allegation…. I was able to prove everything I had been saying… The day I planned on leaving, he burned all of our clothing and tried to get me evicted from the home so he could keep the kids from me, which would keep me from getting away… BUT the courthouse contacted my Case worker & stalled him long enough for me to get a few personal items for the kids & go… We left with nothing but the clothes on our backs… Drove 1200 miles to stay with family… He did show up to the new place, caused a lot of trouble in hopes to get us kicked out of there too, but this time I was ready for him with my own WiFi cameras to prove the stalking & vandalism… Had him arrested & sent 1200 miles back home…
Debating if it’s worth it to fight him for the value of our burned clothes & property division…His new girlfriend is enjoying living my home with her kids and my kids and I weren’t even allowed to take our own clothes or property…(We own a successful business and I’m 1200 miles away on welfare because he won’t pay child support or spousal support) This is all about HIS CONTROL over me. I learned I should never respond to his Ups & downs & accusations… Because it only enrages him more. He interviewed every single lawyer in a 60 mile radius of our home, and misled them all about his income, so he could hire the ONLY pro-bono law firm that helps victims of domestic violence. I was forced to numerous court dates, 1200 miles from me, where he would withdraw the entire case an hour before it would start. Classic “textbook” narcissistic behavior. He tries to control everything. He is a master at turning everything around on me. Never admits fault because he believes he is superior to ALL others. It took me 6 months of careful planning.. My x kept financial documents hidden… So if I saw something in his vehicle or in his office, I copied it & hid it. I pinched a few dollars off of every purchase. I even got my kids schools to help me attain documents for the next schools. I didn’t manage to get out with all of my documents, because he would search my desk & closets & phone & purse- at night while I slept… But when escaping a documented domestic violence situation, letting people know it is better than pretending it never happened. Good luck fellow survivors!
I just wanted to thank you for this article. Your information and that of others comments has been very helpful. It has been 2 weeks without him in my head and on the other side of the world but I’m now stronger than I remember. He will come after me as soon as his court date is over and can only try and get me back over email, but I’m learning from articles such as this and it gives me great empowerment. Just wanted to take the time to say thank you for making a kind difference to lives with your words x
Hello I have been involved with a narcissistic man for a little over 6 months. I got pregnant with his baby. He duped me into believing that we had a future together so I left the state I was living in, packed my things and moved to where he was. The beginning of our “situationship” as I now refer to it as, was great. He couldn’t get enough of me. Then suddenly he became verbally abusive, he would leave me in this new state all by myself to go only God knows where for days at the time. It only took me one month to realize that I had to get out before things turned for the worst. I have a 13 year old son and an 11 year old daughter and I was pregnant at the time. My ex narc would go into his fits of rage about ANY and every little thing so I knew I had to get out. We were arguing constantly about HIS blatant disrespectful behavior. He would sit in the house and play video games ALL DAY, he refused to bathe until he wanted sex. Long story short, things became unbearable so I decided to leave to protect myself and my children. When I got away from him he texts my phone and tells me that he hopes our unborn baby dies in my F****** stomach, that he hopes I fall and lose the baby and that I should have aborted that shit. Well a month after that I lost my baby due to miscarriage, my baby was born at 18 weeks with his cord wrapped around his neck. This was on September 7, 2015, he messages me on FACEBOOK just to say, “idk what to say” no kind of emotional ANYTHING…to this day he still hasn’t said he was sorry or anything about our child dying but he is hoovering and asking me how I’m feeling all of a sudden and what did they do with the baby and that he hopes things get better for me. LIES!!! I’m so glad I got away. I’ve implemented NC and it has not been easy. Normal people like me who actually have feelings actually grieve the loss of a romantic relationship. So I am grieving the relationship as well as the loss of my precious little boy. God really knows best……..is all I can say. We have no more ties now that our son is dead, you’d think he’d get the hint and leave me alone but he keeps texting trying to get a response, positive or negative out of me…. I pray for his soul…he’s truly LOST!
My N and I have been in a relationship for almost two years now. Just last week he bought me a ring and now he has completely devalued me and told me he is moving 1600km away. He works out there and we have been long distance off and on as he comes home for months at a time. He recently got a new job and has met a new friend at work (a male) that he is planning on moving in with. I have been aware that he is a Narc for about a year now.. I guess I stupidly believed that I could understand him and “combat” his narcissistic tendancies. He has done everything from gaslighting (finding condoms and wrappers in my home that I know aren’t mine and blaming it on me), projection (accusing me of being a cheater and a liar, when I know I’m being truthful and faithful) and all the other crazy making behaviors!! I think maybe this is the last time but it never is.. He always comes back. I’m sure after he has gotten his “supply” from someone else. Idk if this is ever going to end and how I can put an end to this! I still love him even tho I know what and who he is. It is so true that once they get inside your mind it doesn’t go away, they don’t go away. Fml I’m living in misery…
This hits the nail right on the head. After 3 months of separation my N texts me then gets mad I don’t respond. He asks if I have let him go and because I don’t respond he says he will now let me go. goodbye. Um didn’t you let me go when you broke up with me for the third time? Unbelievable. The hardest part is breaking free from the N in your mind. It is SO hard!!! I just keep saying to myself that I deserve better. My mother, ex-husband were N so I keep repeating the pattern. Well being aware of it is half the battle!
Yup my ex is definitely narcissistic. He is so clever and cunning and if it wasn’t for doing some research online I would have easily fallen for him a second time. He is currently trying to win me back but I know better and I’m not gonna be his fool a second time around. I’m even talking to another guy just to get my mind on someone else bc I know my ex is extremely seductive and manipulative. We’ve been dating for only 8 months but it’s felt like an eternity. The emotional abuse, the gas lighting, the hot and cold, the neglect, the cheating, the breakups, the lack of compassion, the sexual manipulation, mind games. I tried so hard to be what I thought he wanted but it always back fired. I was always walking on egg shells. I could never reach him no matter how loving I was to him. I told him over and over to open up to me and to let me love him bc that’s all I ever wanted. He was my first love, I gave him my virginity. He thinks he owns me. I told him I wasn’t happy and he didn’t care. I cried myself to sleep countless times bc I couldn’t get him to love me yet I couldn’t leave him. Being educated I couldn’t believe I was feeling like I was losing my mind and I got no support from my family and friends bc they thought if it was that bad I would have left him already. It was hard but last time he ignored me for three weeks I made up my mind to leave him. I knew there was no reasoning with him bc he was convinced nothing was wrong with our relationship, that I was just needy and overreacting. Our breakup lasted a about two weeks. I didn’t know at the time what I was dealing with. I actually felt guilty for leaving him and offered to be his friend. He acted like he didn’t care yet continued to text me. He came close to seducing me as well during our breakup. It was during this time I heard a co-worker talking about her ex narcissist husband so I googled it and came across this page. I must say my stomach turned bc it was like reading about him! That’s when I actually got scared and made my plans to go full no contact. The day I cut him off I told him to just move on and delete my number and that we’ll be ok. He acted like he didn’t care and said “peace, I regret everything, bye” and I did and I blocked him. The private number phone calls started that night, same with my sister phone. The next day I closed my bank account he has access to, changed my number, blocked him from social media, the works. However no one understood why I was being so dramatic. No one believed he would look for me. They thought I was being dramatic. A week went by and I was scared of what he would do. Eventually I decided to talk to another guy to get my mind off him bc I think about him constantly. I was depressed and still crying. I was afraid I was co dependent on his abuse. So now I’m talking to a nice guy and things are going great. My ex has sent roses to my work, left gifts at my house. He doesn’t know I’m seeing someone else. I did something terrible which was establish contact on an app just to confirm that he was trying to find me (before the gifts, big mistake). So now I have it confirmed I wasn’t losing my mind, he admits to contacting my friends and family to get my new number, he says bc he “LOVES ME” that much. My family was keeping it a secret from me. So now I have to be very careful how to cut him off for good. Haven’t done it yet but it feels good to have the upper hand in a way bc he thinks he can win me back but it’s not gonna happen! Good luck ladies.
Great article. I’ve been w/a Narcissist for 14 years and saw every sign, but refused to believe until a year or so ago. I’m in the process of terminating our relationship and it’s been nothing but head games, threatening to take the dogs, furniture, moving next door, etc. I don’t know how to handle, if I’m calm, it doesn’t work, if I’m irate, it doesn’t work. There are highs and lows, I don’t know if I can trust him in my home if I’m not there. Hopefully I’m nearing the end, I just want it behind me. I need a prayer or two. Thank you again.
Thank you sooooo much for this article. I am leaving my narcissistic boyfriend of 2 years on Friday. There isn’t one thing in this article that isn’t true. I just wish I were smarter 2 years ago. I should have known better. But, the act he put on for me was perfect. What wasn’t addressed that I was wondering, though, is are they physically abusive. I have been kicked and shoved into walls. and raped twice. I am staying at a hotel for a week, then getting into a women’s shelter. Not what I envisioned for my life at 48 years old, but, anything is better than what I am going through. Thank you, again.
Sue I have written on that topic. You’ll find it here: https://esteemology.com/the-violent-narcissist-the-battle-for-control/#more-1195
Omg! Although the example used in your article was that of a husband, I though you were describing my daughter’s beyong twisted behavior. I have lived through every instance presented in your article. After 34 years dealing with this situation I can second your advice; RUN! as far away as you can before your spirit, emotions, self esteem, mental stability be shred up into nothing. Otherwise, you will remain a victim for as long as you live. Best to all
Savannah. What an insightful article. I’m overwhelmed by how the torture I am now going through with my husband after 13 years can be expressed in such a way, as can our relationship over that time. I am not sure if these are narcissistic tendencies or such additional characteristics of my husband but his ability to lie and deceive and manipulate a situation is extraordinary. I wonder if I could invite you to comment on a few questions I have. Just for background, I have a child and am shortly expecting another with my husband. We have been through the cycles you refer to in your article numerous times but always I have persevered – we met young. I have known he has been removing all attachment from me over the past few years since we had our first child. Both emotional attachment (he barely wants to speak or do anything with the family) and in presence (focussing only on work, travelling all the time, generally being away a lot). Is it common for this to happen to narcissists after having a child? I feel once I got married and had a child, the emotional detachment, the heartlessness, the outward arrogance, the constant putting me down became immense. I am now discovering he has been having some form of relationship with someone else during all that time – from all their messages I can see all the care and attention and time and devotion he has thrown into her. He will acknowledge no wrongdoing, has turned the whole thing onto me or onto outside factors and the lies are so immense – forging documents to cover his tracks – I’m in total confusion. I have said I cannot cope anymore and he left a coupe of months ago. He has now gone into depressed mode – on antidepressants, at rock bottom and blames his whole behaviour over the past two years in him having struggled. Is this typical? His family refuse to accept he has done anything wrong and I am being blamed for the break up. I have said I will go to counselling as his lying and inability to empathise and engage with reality is making any conversation impossible for me. But I am so worried he will just manipulate the whole session and come out of it having walked all over both of us and get all he wants and I’ll be powerless to control it. He has come up with perfect justifications as to why he has been distant, why he has had to “support” other people and rely on their “support” and totally normalised his whole relationship with the other girl (their flirtatious messages started two years ago so this is not a short fling), despite everything he knows I have seen. We need to talk as I am expecting our second child very soon and there are things we need to discuss. Do you have any advice? Thank you.
This article is point on! Describes exactly what I am going through
Hey all, I couldn’t get my head around why people become narcissists and then get away with dishing out the abuse I am glad to be away from my last relationship like that well actually I am ecstatic but I am not ready to meet anyone new due to the emotional scars and its been a few years now everyone who has suffered thhe same must feel derailed we must get back on track and not let the narcissist win
Wowwwwww! This is so on point with what I just went through. I am struggling with the disbelief of this.
Yes, this article is on point.
I was able to get out of a relationship with a narcissist. I had ignored many red flags and was allowed my self to think I was the crazy overreacting one. We had even planned a trip to visit his family this summer but I found out that he was sleeping with this girl who once had an abortion with him. He was always asking me for money as well. His fuck buddy contacted me and that was the final straw. I knew I deserved way better in life. It’s only been 2,3 weeks since I’ve cut off contact so I can’t be too careful…I received an email from my ex just yesterday with a Word document. It was 3 pages long and he quoted a Daft Punk song saying he loves me and misses me. He said I’m probably light years over this shit but I’m not. How dare he tries to diminish my hurt…I haven’t been responding to him but they really do keep coming back! I hope he leaves me alone. Good luck with everyone who is dealing with a narcissist ex! Thanks for the article
It took about 3 yrs for me to piece the reason for the separation together. He was seeing two women but claimed he was an angel. I asked him what I had done to have him wreck our beautiful and fun marriage and if I was a b!tch or something. He took a full minute to think and finally said “well I dont like the way you arrange the refrigerator!” He badgered me to find work while he was in school and when I did find a well paying one in film he called it my “little writing job”. He later said he stopped loving me because I didnt make enough money. He intentionally over spent my money and left me nearly broke then moved in with his gf. The idea was to leave me with no money to get a lawyer.
At this point in my life I had no idea what narcissism really was besides vanity. I had no clue they could be sociopaths. In the airport starting our honeymoon he whispered from behind me “Now I got you”. I responded “No you dont”. The earliest sign I remember causing a light to go on was whenever i hurt myself and said “ouch” he would instantly start talking about something random. Like he wanted to make sure that we didnt discuss my toe or finger, etc. No, oh honey are you okay? Or What happened? Nothing. That was when i realized i was dealing with someone neurotic. I’d caught him staring at me through crowds a few times when we were dating and found it creepy. And when I asked him about it he always denied it and eventually I decided he was just kind of bashful and wanted to look at me in public kind of the way boys stare at girls they’re crushing on. I now know that this is what predators do. He was hunting me. Learning my weaknesses and looking for chinks.
After all that cheating, picking fights, going to parties without me, humiliating me with his womanizing in public, gaslighting and walking out on me with no explanation he goes to therapy 4 days a week. (The bills were coming to the home during separation) If you got what you wanted why do you need double strength therapy? He then takes 3.5 yrs to finalize the divorce.
2 months after we separted his hair went from jet black to silver. Again, if you’re getting what you want then why all the stress?
I went through a devastating physiological breakdown. I know I had PTSD and its thinning out now 7 years later. All anyone can do is recognize them while they stalk you and run for your life!
Thank you so much for this site! I was married in 1997. The marriage took me to hell. we divorced in 2006 and I began studying Early Childhood teaching. I recognised through my studies that my ex had Aspergers Syndrome (which manifests quite the same as NPD). That diagnisis set me free. it took three years of counselling to get “me” back. I made myself a promise that I would never need anyone again to the point that I surrendered who I was! Four years ago I met a lovely man, told him I’d never need him but that I would like to travel this world with someone. Four years later I know he shows most of the markers on the DSM-V for NPD. I am eight days into the cut off. I thank you most sincerely for all your supportive wisdom. My biggest saving grace was that because of my ex husband, I didn’t let this NPD get away with anything…but he kept trying! Since ending it I received a message on messenger (he’s now blocked) at two-thirty am telling me he thinks ive lost touch with reality. Your words on how they will respond to being cut off…’She’s nuts, she thinks she can do better than me. I’m better off without her. She’s damaged anyway,’ as part of the devaluation process. And just like that you are discarded in the Narcissists mind, regardless of the amount of time, or the amount of suffering you may have endured.” Your words have helped with the self-doubt. Thank you so much! Kerrie.
This is long and I’ll start at the beginning. A few years ago I started dating a man with nothing going for himself. He was unemployed with six kids by different women. The youngest was a few months and the oldest was nine. Some of them were the same ages. He smoked and sold drugs. I was desperate and settled for any man who was willing to marry me. My self esteem was really low and I’m embarrassed by what I put with up. This man moved in with me ran up my bills and ruined my credit. I decided not to marry him and when I got the strength to leave I was pregnant. I considered adoption so I could cut all ties with him. He said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to put the baby up for adoption. When the baby was born I decided to keep the baby. He was upset I was keeping the baby. He called the adoption agency and tried to get the baby put up for adoption without my consent, saying he had too many kids and the baby should be adopted. The agency said he couldn’t put the baby up for adoption without me agreeing to it. He begged me to put the baby up for adoption saying we would get pictures, and they were going to take us out to dinner if we put the baby up for adoption. I refused and because of the stress I was nearly hospitalized. This made him more angry and he said he would get me away from my friends and family because he didn’t like that he couldn’t control me anymore. I was scared for me and my baby’s safety. I told him not to call me anymore and that he doesn’t have to worry about taking care of my baby since he is begging me to put the baby up for adoption. For the next year, he sent emails asking for pictures. He only asked for pictures never any of the basic questions like how many teeth does the baby have, or where can he send something for the baby. I ignored him. I finally got tired of the random emails asking for pictures and in a last effort to get him to leave me alone, I told him the baby might not be his and that he could get a paternity test. I would also be putting him on child support and making him pay for the baby’s health insurance. If he wanted to see the baby he would have to take parenting classes and we could start off with supervised visitation. The threat of paying money scared him off for a few weeks. He told me never to contact him again. His number was deleted two years ago and I also deleted my facebook because I was tired of him cyberstalking me. He and his whole family are very manipulative and I refuse to speak with them directly. Last week he sent an email saying he wants split custody and that he isn’t going to leave me alone. He says he is married but he still loves me and he going to get me and the baby. I’m scared of him. This man does nothing for his children. He doesn’t even buy them presents for Christmas or their birthdays. He is mad he can’t control me anymore and he is using my baby to get to me. He doesn’t care about the baby he just wants to control me. Please help with advice. I don’t want my baby growing up around drugs, but I don’t know how to keep my baby safe.
As I told you, I’m reading your blog tonight to keep me from contacting my ex-husband, and it has served the purpose. And I want to say that in re-reading this article I say it is the absolutely best description of a narcissist I have ever read. And he fits it perfectly. It was only my idea that he “needed” me. I dreamed a dream and it is so true that he is going happily about his life collecting things, and I am just one of the things that he collected and doesn’t want to let go. Like a puppy. Not that he loves me, but he doesn’t want to give me up.
my God….what a horrible ride it has been…how many times have i been grabbing my hair sobbing like a crazy person wondering exactly that…am i crazy?? how is it that i can get along with everyone else in my life except him?? no one else tells me i imagine things…no one else tells me my life is going nowhere..etc…but of course he says its because they dont care enough about me to tell me the truth about myself/ im four years in.have been physically emotionally verbally abused so many times…the worst part thinking it was all my fault….have lived seperately for almost a year now…i feel like im almost out of the woods but still occasionally fall prey to the games….HORRIBLE AND MY DEEPEST SYMPATHY TO ANYONE GOING THRU THIS…greatful for this article
This article helped. Matter of fact this site has helped.
I am in the NC phase of my relationship and it has been very painful but I am starting to feel better and stronger.
I met my Narc online on a dating site. I was separated and so was he. I had been in a long marriage that had ended with my ex husband’s infidelity. My Narc came on strong and was everything I could dream of. He put me on a pedestal and there were constant flowers and gifts. He did have money but had no friends. He had a high position in his company but as time went on it became obvious that he had issues getting along with others. He was also brilliant and that attracted me. For our first Christmas he gave me huge diamond earrings. Later, he told me that his gift had to be better than anything anyone had ever given to me. I did see red flags and ignored them. About 9 months into the relationship he was angry that I did not want sex as fast as he wanted it. I asked if we could eat first (no kidding) and he began to list off everything I had ever done wrong the entire relationship. I was stunned. The mask slipped and I wasnt looking. He was very needy and always needed me to comfort him. I will admit he did care for me at times which made the later events hard to understand. He was perfect and told me we would never go to bed mad. He was a bible toting man that pray with me and I loved it. He loved to take me shopping and now I understand it was all about him and the strokes I gave him. Each week (he lived in another city) he would bring a gift and told me I would get used to this treatment.
About 16 months into the relationship, I left my home, and job. I had a wonderful career that was stressful and the N wanted me to rest and take a break before the marriage. The N and I were building a house at the beach.I moved to his city, signed my final divorce agreement as I had never done that. In that agreement and the N was aware I signed to my ex the house and waived alimony which I was entitled to. I also took on some debt. The N and I bought rings but the N wanted a special engagement setting and he arranged a trip to the Keys for Valentines weekend. I moved to his city and immediately it fell apart. I had no money…he gave me a small account and immediately became distant. I was not coping and was freaking out. He let me know that the house had been canceled and told me in a matter of fact manner. I was supposed to look for a job in that city. Still, I bought a wedding dress. The week of the planned wedding proposal trip he told me he could not go through with it. He began to list all of my faults. He also said God had warned him 3 times about me. I was in shock as I had just signed everything away.
I lived with him for 9 months fighting for the relationship. There were no more flowers. He always found fault. We went to counseling and it made him worse. Finally we went to a Gotteman retreat on my birthday that June and I asked to use his computer as mine would not connect to the internet. He slipped and left his email open. He was always very secretive. I saw a lot of emails from his new girl with hugs and kisses. Long story short. I still stayed as he initially lied and said he ended it. By the time I left I was a mess. I had lost weight and not in the best mental shape. I found a new job and came home.
Crazy as it sounds. 3 months later he is back and swears the other person is gone. I can never move past it and am always anxious. We did not live together and I was working weekends which must have worked well for him. In the summer I could not deny what was going on. He made up stories about his health and he couldnt see me. He was always anxious or some issue. I was off weekends but could not obtain an invitation to his city. He never invited me to be around his family and I dont think they need about me. Much more happened to clue me in that the woman was still there and in October I told him it was over. Again I am crazy as he comes back late November. I had set boundaries of what our relationship had to be like and he followed it for one visit. This time I could not take the lack of caring. No calls, no call on christmas, he had 3 stories why we could not be together new years eve. He had begun a habit before I broke up with him of wanting to meet me for sex and a meal. I would leave crying and empty. I saw this last time together as evolving to be the same. He tried a little at first and then sex and a meal. I told him it all hurt too much to be with him.
Two weeks later.. I saw a wedding announcement for him. He had been engaged the entire last time. It makes no sense but I have been very depressed. Finally, I am better. My friends warn me he will be back. I have to be strong as I know what he can offer and it is nothing. Thanks for your site and the insight. It took me 3 years to figure out who he really was. I really thought it was me for a long time.
You didn’t let my post go through . Why not ?? I need encouragement just like everybody else that post here .
Linda I am probably in a different time zone and sleeping.
How Amazingly horrible can a human be ? I just managed to get away from my narcissist partner of nine years . I’ve been through most of the above post . I am 57 years old . I divorced my husband of 25 years and four grown kids . For him . I was with this boyfriend when I was in primary school , I was 11 years old when I first had sex with him , he was married with 2 kids but not for long . The wife was out playing up and he new this . I didn’t know what a pedophile was at that age . And didn’t want to belive it later . His marriage ended he got the kids . Through his web of lies in court . This was in 1969 . After six years with him hiding from my family . He left the neighbour hood . His son was killed on the road , 9 years old . His daughter turned to drugs after finding out the truth about her father . She od ‘d at 27 . Then he came looking for me . So I left my husband , to go with him . 9 years has passed . We were getting married feb 2015 . What a joke he was , I’m so glad I learnt about this type of man in time to save myself . It’s only been two weeks . He sent 2 letters which I posted back unopened . And blocked him on my phone . I am felling very strong now and confident he has gone for good this time . As I know it’s all up to me . To start a new . I’m slowly feeling happy . Xx
This is one of the cruelest disorders ever. I was in a relationships with my ex for 5 years or I thought I was, there was no relationship from him he has not contacted me again now for around 3 months but I know he will when he is ready but I will not answer this time I still can’t believe he had no feelings at all…………..but I deserve so much more
I have been going crazy the last few months. I have not been able to understand why this break up has been so difficult for me to deal with. Now I understand that I was in love with a narcissist. Everything adds up the gas lighting the anger the self importance the Jekyll and Hyde personality. reading all these articles it feels like I’m coming out of the darkness and into the light I finally feel like me again.
This Page is SO Right On! My Problem is that THIS Has Been a LIFELONG Problem for Me, I Apparently had a Narcissistic Mother, Passed Now, Got into My 1st Husband/ Narcissistic Relationship at 14, Married, Had 2 Kids, and Stayed While being Physically & Emotionally Abused for the Next 15 Years….Becoming g an Alcoholic Myself I. The Meantime! Then, IMMEDIATELY,Without a Break, Got into A NEW NARCISSISTIC Relationship…I DIDN’T Know Anything About Narcissism at that time, I Lived with Him for 5 Years, and Though He Emotionally Abused Me, I Thought I was BETTER Off, because He Did Not Physically Abuse Me, And, The SEX Was Good! When I tried to leave after enough of the emotional abuse he proposed and we got Married! BUT, ONLY On the Condition That We MOVE Away from My Family….So We Moved Across the ENTIRE COUNTRY for the next 2 Years, I DID Get Sober and So Did He During That time, Then We Moved Back Home, I Started Counseling, and Went To MANY 12 Step Meetings, Read Lotsof Books, Including Co-Dependent No More, And The More I Changed, The More Distant He Became! Finally, He Left Me, And I Was DEVASTATED! But I Finally Started Seeing Other People, and Though He WAS Involved With Someone Else, He Came Around To Hop into Bed Every Couple of Weeks, Even after I started Dating an Older Gentleman That Was SUPER KIND, ATTENTIVE, GENEROUS, CARING, NON-ABUSIVE, A GREAT LISTENER, ( Lousy in Bed ), But Still I Saw My Ex For Awhile, UNTIL He Met Another That He Informed Me was The LOVE Of His Life! I Have Been with My “Wonderful” (HA!) Replacement for 22 Years….2.5 Years in, I Found Out He was Still Married To Someone Else, He Talked His Way Out of That, Pointing Out He Had Been With ME Constantly, and the Only Reason He was Not Divorced was Because It was California and Financially Ruinous, But, As Soon as She DIED, As She Was A Strong Smoker, He Would Marry Me! Somehow, He CONVINCED Me! We Have Been Married 8.75 Years Now, and 7.75 Years Ago, He Convi iced Me To Move to California to SUPPOSEDLY SELL The House That He and His Deceased Wife Lived in, Then The Housing Market Crashed, and I have Been STUCK Here Ever Since! NEEDLESS To Say, After Getting Married & Moving, He CHANGED, Or So It Seemed, Really, I Realized I Was Finally Seeing His True Colors…He Is ALSO A NARCISSIST! I am Now 62, I Have BeguN To Think “I”MUST BE A MASOCHIST! Why Would I have Lived My Whole Life This Way, I am Back in Counseling, and Hope to Find The RIGHT Answer This Time, But My LONG Tale Should Be Construed As a CAUTIONARY Tale To ANYONE That Has EVER Been in a Relationship Like THIS, Be Very Careful You Don’t JUMP Right into Another! Take Some TIME Out and Examine How and WHY You Accepted This ABUSE To Begin With!! Thanks for Listening!
How do I do this with a kid? we have been together 10 yrs and its back and forth, i let the cycle continue, its now not only hurting me, its hurting our son. He is 3. He is going to unfortunately be consistent in our lives, or until my son is old enough to realize what his father is, and he finds no use for our kid, which I fear, even though sadly, it would be the best thing for both of us. He recently walked out on us 3 weeks ago. He is also a recovering addict.. but I never know if he is going to AA or playing the card of it, i thought for a year he was sober and he wasn’t. Every NIGHT he calls to say goodnight to our boy, and goes then into us and why we r not together, his new thing is he is waiting to see if i change.. the whole thing is making me a wreck, 10 yrs of straight up abuse i guess does it to a person. I dont know how to not take the bait, the rope.. and I have to see him, i cant break ties and its so frustrating. SOOOOOOOO frustrating.
Andrea keep all your conversations about the children. If he calls and wants to talk to your son put your son on the phone – do not engage in relationship talk and make that very clear. Every time he starts interrupt and say, “Did you call to speak to our son?” If the answer is no then tell him straight up, “Our relationship is over and is no longer up for debate. If that is why you called then I have nothing to say.” And hang up. Do not engage and always keep your conversations short and pertaining to co-parenting. That’s it.
I dumped my loser narcissist bf almost 2 months ago and am FINALLY feeling free of that weirdo. I met him online and he said everything I wanted to hear… Mostly talked about himself. Never asked me about me. When I needed him he bailed every time… But when HE needed his ego massaged, there I was. He trained me to become obsessed with him. My codependency went into hyperdrive and I jumped through hoops to help him and his “poor me” tales of woe… He was messaging other women the entire 15 months we were together. He lied and continues to lie. But he has been the BEST teacher and I wouldn’t change my experience for anything. He has taught me what I DON’T want. He has taught me that I allowed him to dump me and come back many times and that is unacceptable. Last time I saw him I busted him talking online to women after he claimed to have changed (after I stopped speaking to him for a month). It’s true… He doesn’t miss YOU, he misses the ego strokes, the way he can do whatever HE wants and he gets to come back again and again and again. I finally broke up with him and his ego was hit so hard he said some nasty things to me so I cut all contact. Full block. It was hard because I did love him and had to process the fact that I was just a supply to him BUT I am so much better now!! I have discovered how cool I am and how sad he is. He is already back online spewing his sob story to the unknowing women in his state and I feel so sorry for those poor women. More supplies for his bullshit. But I am finally free. I am free.
Three years ago I left my husband after 35 years of marriage ( we lived together for 3 years before we got married). I left with only a garbage bag full of clothes and was homeless for 3 months. He always had a dr. Jeckyll Mr. Hyde personality. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive at times phyically abusive….but he could also be the sweetest man in the world. I had left once before 20 years ago but went back. He still calls and leaves me texts and voice messages crying begging me to come back home. Leaving him and staying away has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I begged him to go to counseling…to get help but he wouldn’t. I have a wonderful counselor that has helped me to break free and find myself again. It has been hard to rebuild my life but I am slowly doing it.
Your article has in powered me. I am an older man. I fell for a younger woman. I thought I was going crazy, but this new insight has helped me greatly. Now I can find myself again! When I read your blog every word rang true. Thank you so much for this Savanah! Yours Chet
Hey! Why don’t you add some FB “Like” or “Share” buttons to your articles here, on the blog?
Great job, by the way, your blog helped me tremendously!
I have 3days of no contact..i didnt know of nocontact till i began reading your page..all i knew was that i didnt wanna hear his voice or read his texts of criticisms of me and my family.. and his look of disgusts at me when i see him..he admitted to an encounter with another person while he was calling and texting me..he said who ever he chooses next will have to accept his friendship with me..i am older than him and he vowed to care for me even when i grow old..he physically abused me badly one time and i had restraining order and the works on him..he got away with any charges because he told defender that we are together and working on our relationship with plans to get married..afterwards he pushed around and he had his hands around my neck..these incidents took place when my kids were not around..my kids know now and they want a piece of him..he always threw a fit when he was with me over little things then he left..to him, i was the reason for the outburst..i was silent while he threw his tantrums and that made him more angry..if i said anything he got angry..if i didnt say anything he got angry..it became a no win situation..5days ago,valentines day weekend, he came into money,and he spent alot of money on me..fixed my car,bought household items,bought clothes,paid some of my bills,and took me on a trip out of town..i was hesitant but i went..my son was worried for me..we had some drinks..he started talking then got loud and angry at me..i stopped drinking then became silent..the same words and argument everytime..then he told me about his latest lady encounter..i stayed silent..we went to sleep and everything was like nothing happened..then i started to feel confused..he took me home..told me how much he loves me..i shook my head and said no,you dont love me..then he asks me why dont i believe him?..he became upset again and left..after he left,.just knowing of this other lady and the way he treated me the night before didnt make sense..i am crazy for allowing him to treat me this way and he is crazy to think i am going to continue this treatment..i feel i am done..i believe these articles confirm what i know is going on..i am sad because i believed in him and the 7years i spent with him was a waste..i am feeling the peace the past 3days..no more dramas i hope and i am contantly pray for strenghth because inside i am very fearful of him and he knows this..
Just curious as to the label attached to the women that put up with this shit?They have a big a problem as the narcissist. Most of the time its because both parties come from severe disfunction that has just manifested itself in different fashions.Whats really amazing as how they repeatedly find each other and feed the cycle.
pyc those individuals that seek out Narcissists are called co-dependents.
This is completely and totally spot on. I broke things off this Summer after a horrendous trip to the Beach. His friend made some joke that I was my Narcissist’s Side Bitch…on my way home from this horrible day. I broke things off and told him NOT to contact me. A few other things happened that opened my eyes. The most important of which was he acted like I was hardly even there. This went on for a month. My daughter was about to start the new school year and he tried to worm his way back in. He made this stupid video about how he “fucked up”. That video had nothing to do with me it was ALL for him and ALL for show to get me back. It worked for a few weeks. I figured him out and I had already been put in the Narcissist Discard Pile and Replaced. He was with the same girl I suspected him of being with when I terminated the relationship. Said girl had Herpes. You bet your butt I got myself checked out. It is now almost 5 months later…I am now FREE of him. He taught me a very valuable lesson. My family was not worth the sacrifice. He tried to come back via text…after all that’s what they do. They try and get their SUPPLY back. NEVER AGAIN…now it’s about me and I will never let ANYONE control me like that again. My focus is on my family and bettering my life with fitness. LADIES AND MEN…FREE YOURSELF because you are absolutely worth it, ~ FREED FROM NARCISSISM
This article blows my mind. It just makes me realize that I am right about this person. This is my exact life and it made me feel great!!
I had been with N more that a year, including g living together, him moving out, back in and two go backs in between… I have finally been awakened, I have my eyes open and will never go back. I have even taken all of the blame for the break up( my shitty attitude and always talking back). I said I am so sorry I did all of these things.. I know the truth but why not feed his ego to the end for a smooth tearful departure… You are right N. You were always to good for me…adios MFr!!!!
Don’t date girls that work in nail salons. They can be both a narcissist and a gold digger at the same time. They just care about how they look and what kind of name brand items they have and then put down people who don’t meet their standards. Girls like that also feel like they have entitlement because they work so hard for their money and spend it all and then expects guys to pay for everything after they blow their money on clothes, purses and shoes to make themselves look good.
I have sat here and just cried. I’m 27, I have been in an abusive relationship for ten years. he’s older than me so I’ve always trusted him. he’s cheated on me numerous times and always left me feeling that i am the one to blame. I self harm. I hate my refelection. I am a shell of the woman I once was. I need to leave but feel too broken
This article blows my mind. it is spot on! this was my life. We were married for 13 years, together 15 total. I finally was broken down by the verbal abuse enough by him & had the courage to file for divorce, after many years of thinking about it. We have 3 children together, so I stayed for them.After I filed, he panicked and tried to win me back, it worked the 1st 2 times after I had appts with lawyers he’d change for about 2 weeks,then right back at it. Never his fault, humiliating me in private & public, belittling me, told meI was dumb and stupid. I walked on egg shells so i didnt upset him and have to deal with his temper tantrums. It got to the point I was hiding things from him and telling my kids not to tell their Dad if they spilled something, etc. My now ex-husband has told me to stay in our house until I find a house, to take my time, there was no rush. I filed for the divorce in Aug, & he then spent Sept and Oct trying to win me back. but it was too late in my mind. around November he suddenly made another 180, his usual M.O./Jeckyl & Hyde personality, he became in agreement with me about it and stopped trying. We remained civil and I was proud of that fact, we were doing everything for the kids sake, not arguing about the property division, child support or maintenance. I couldnt buy a house until it was final and with 3 young kids I didn’t want to move to an apartment, so it was a mutual agreement that i would stay for the kids sake and find a house after it was final. I was scared to be on my own for the 1st time in my whole life and he knew that. Our divorce was final on 1/7/14, we continued the civility and things were going smoothly. Until he slammed me with a huge curveball, on 3/13/15 he bluntly told me he was taking a “friend” on his vacation with our children, the family vaca that I used to go on.That’s when I became unraveled. I was able to get through to him that taking his GF in front of the kids was a very bad idea, esp. since they haven’t fully processed that as i am still living here, (I have since bought a house & am waiting for the work to be done on it before I move in) I was and still am in shock that he could move on before I moved out and so quickly after the divorce. when we discussed this he said his relationship started in Jan. then I found out it started in Dec., only to have him admit it really started in Nov. even though he swears he only talked to her before our Divorce was final. he lied repeatedly after the initial conversation, he was able to do this very easily and was very happy. I now know that they met on a work trip of his as she works for the same company, which he initially lied about & he also lied that he’s in “love” with her. He treated me very poorly our whole marriage, I shouldn’t’ expect any less from him, but this has me in a very bad state of anxiety. I will never understand how he could do this while i still lived here took care of our kids, the household chores, and laundry, including his laundry,after he’d get home from work trip where he’d been with her, he’d drop his clothes in the hamper for me to wash like nothing. he also was collecting my child support money/maintenane for 1/2 of the house bills.he never showed signs of guilt whatsoever, he was very happy, too he’s now getting his ego stroked, so he thinks he’s cured of his issues..I knew he had an ego, but I never knew the extent of it.he is a narcissist and will not address it, he still maintains he did nothing wrong. I could never sleep around while i was still in this house with hm and our kids, legal on paper or not. its morally wrong. he said he has “zero guilt” however, he’s been pouring himself into helping me with my house, doing all kinds of work there. what kind of a man treats the mother of his 3 kids that way all these years and then sticks a knife in her back one more time before I moved out. because no one ever gets the best of this man, he is never wrong and will never apologize. he would pick on my body after i had his 3 babies in 3.5 years. he controlled me from seeing my family and friends, he was jealous of me going to the gym. he called me dumb and stupid during arguments. if I took it all and didn’t say a word, it would be fine, but if i defended myself all hell would break loose, because no one ever challenges that man or they will lose. now he’s happy to have a married lover on the side and a live in maid and child care provider and a renter. he totally took advantage of what we agreed upon for the kids sake. & now he can’t understand why I’m in such turmoil. I wish I could have no contact with him, but I can’t do that because of the kids.he hurt me like Ive never been hurt before in my life, I actually considered suicide. he basically ignores my concerns and changes the subject.he had to grab the 1st girl to look his way and she was married and didn’t file until she had him hooked for 4 months prior. i will never forgive this man or ever trust him again.
Wow. I realized this week the guy I’m seeing lacks empathy. In researching that and a few other things about him, I came to realize this is what he is and I’m thankful I’m only 6 months in. Knowing what I know, I can get out and since he’s on match.com a lot, he can find a new source because I’m out! Thank you
This article was so helpful. I am currently a week and a half of no contact and two and half weeks since I left him. We were together for just shy of a year. It all started of great the first 3 or 4 months were almost perfect. I thought I had found my one and only and he referred to me as his soul mate. He was recently divorced (a 13 year relationship with 3 boys). Things suddenly changed and he got distant and cold and just mean and verbally abusive. He slapped me a few times but always blamed it on the pain killers he was taking for his back. Or to say I was too sensitive he was just kidding. I ended up pregnant and he was awful to me. Told me there is no way we could have this child and we couldn’t afford it and I currently am in school and not working much. So for weeks he had talked me into getting an abortion. He told me if we were going to actually have the baby he would be understanding to my changing hormones and how emotional I was. Less than 12 hours before my appointment he changed his mind. At that point I was set on getting the abortion…realizing he is an N I am so glad I did. He threw it in my face everyday for the last few months. Never allowing me to grieve or feel anything about it. Calling me a baby killer. He forced himself on my sexy ally trying to get me pregnant again. I finally go the courage and left. He packed all my things and loaded my car. Then carted calling me after I left begging me to come back. That went on for a week and he started getting mean so I went nocontact. He then texted my family and told them about the abortion (thankfully he did because I have their support now) and ended up charming a now ex friend of mine to tell him any info about Mr and my past that she knows (I believe she is an N also) he sent me an email telling me I disgust him and just lie after lie about how awful a person I am. I didn’t reapond. I blocked him on my phone my email and facebook. He creates new Facebook accounts to message me. I have yet to respond and have deactivated facebook to avoid. I have started seeing a therapist. But it is a struggle daily waiting for the other shoe to fall. Then also anxious on when he is going to try to contact me again. I am constantly on the verge of a panic attack still and have become depressed. Dealing with all of this is so hard and I can’t believe I let it go on for as long as Idid. How long will he try to ruin my reputation and why is he doing it? I dont understand. I am so confused by the thoughts of freedom but yet missing him.
I actually got out of narcissitic relationship…. oh my gosh… I feel as though I have mentally been put through a ringer and really trying to overcome everything that he thinks will destroy me… Our relationship of six years was wonderful at the beginning as most relationships are… but he had to go away for work as I actually go him the job which is funny… As he was gone I was making sure all of his bills were being paid and being the wonderful girlfriend that I am…I started noticing odd behaviour… distant and cold when he returned after a few months…we started another job and was gone for countless hours and didn’t make time for me anymore.. the more I tried the more it got worse. I was the blame for all of it according to him… I had some trust issues with him that I couldn’t let go… and started putting up my own wall… he was turning into the father of my kids… right in front of me… He would never open up and have heart to hearts but always wanted to know everything about me… I knew there was something off and wasn’t really paying attention to all of the signs that were floating in front of me… I was there for him during the time of his fathers passing and this year his mothers… he went through a dark time and was there for him… now my life has turned dark… and I got hit from life on all angles and really felt the struggle… I am now financially disrupted… I can barely afford anything for myself…I am stuck where he has some of my belongs in his apartment and for some reason doesn’t not want to contact me so I can get them back… I just want this ass out of my life… he will not win….not mentally anyways… I know what he is like and I know what he did…I am left holding the empty bag while he carted off with the woman he cheated on me with…and moved in with her the same night we broke up and is providing all the love and attention he gave me… I just want to retrieve my belongs from his apartment so I could move on with my life.. what can I do to make this happen…
I have been with a narcasist for 12 years my heart feels broken but I know I just miss my past life friends etc and I’m 30 days on and everything they said would happen has happened and it is still my fault amd iget texts your still a bitch and you never loved me I didn’t cheat you did with some scum bag and now she is living with him he went from me a law abiding citizen to criminal scum bag waitress still married to her husband in prison and ugly go figure
Great page, I only discovered last night he might be a N, never even considered it. I’ve been with this man for 10 yrs. when I met him I’d just come out of a physically abusive relationship, I fell head over heels couldn’t beleive my luck that I’d manage to pull such a handsome intelligent moral man. He was hard to pin down after a while didn’t want to move in and I got accidently pregnant, he told me straight if I didn’t have abortion he would leave, it then came out he had a child he had never told me about.
Things have just gone on and on same old pattern, he never does what he says, he lies for the sake if it , he tells people my house, my cat and even my business is his, when I tackle him he says he’s doing me a favour as the business will be busier. He cheated I forgave him, 3 yrs later I discovered he’d carried on with the same girl
Even writing this I’m thinking why the hell are I with him but when he goes and ignores me I start to get panic attacks and can’t function so I back down and make things right for my own selfish reasons.
I’m so confused I don’t know if I’m just imagining he is a narsissist or whether it’s my depression.
I know I need to get out but just haven’t got the energy to do it
Well tonight had the 2nd blowout “talk” regarding divorce. I have been married 1 1/2 years and have been together 4 years. Filed for divorce last year about this time, believed his BS and dropped the case. Now a year later nothing has changed except I’m more financially broke. He can’t seem to keep a job for more than about 3-4 months. He always comes up with a problem of not being treated right, gets mouthy and gets fired or has to walk leaving me holding the bag financially. I have reached the end with him. Tonight I was told that I wasn’t worth anything, stupid and had MPD. He was pissed that I would not take out a loan to give some “breathing room” to the finances . When he was told that I could not take on any more debt out came the rage and the name calling.
I just want this to be over. Why didn’t I see this coming, this sick evil being that never really cared at all?
I have been sucked in over the past ten years by the same man again and again. Not knowing that this was what was happening to me over and over again. Actually believing that I was the crazy stalker and that I was being abusive and that each and everytime he dumped me and left me at the side of the road like a bag of garbage that it was my fault. Each time there was a reason, first his ex wife wanted him back, then his son was having anxiety problems, then it was my children he couldn’t handle, then it was me he wasn’t sure about, then he needed space, then he knew it was me we planned a wedding, then I was dumped on Xmas day as he went back to his ex wife, then he knew for sure how much he loved me, then yet again I was not what he wanted, then he needed to be alone, then it was me and we were wrong for each other, I cannot even remember how many times he came and left and each time it was different each time the amount of time he was away. Each time he returned the compliments were so amazing, I was the most beautiful sexiest woman he had ever known, a great cook, amazing lover, great person to talk with, then all of a sudden then boom Jekyll and Hyde – he started picking at everything I did, I sniffled too much, talked too loud, wore too much makeup, or not enough, then started what I had said or done years ago, we were wrong for each other, and the punishment, the silent treatment, then he wanted to make a life with another woman. It was all my fault. Silent treatment as if I never existed, then two months later on Valentines Day the texts started, hi, pretty, beautiful, and it all started again, this time it was less time, I got punished for I dont even know and was told we were the worst couple on earth and were never going to be compatible and that was it. This was after a great day, awesome cuddliing and lovemaking session, a kiss goodbye then he dropped off the face of the earth. I waited and waited and when asked why I didn’t hear from him I got it was all my fault and he could never forgive me for everything I had done and we should just never speak to each other again. Crazy enough he was going on a trip to the Caribbean for a wedding in less than three weeks and to me it felt like well I wasnt going to go and he needed time to have a date. My self esteem is crushed and I feel like I am the most worthless person who will never be good enough for anyone. I just dont know how I could be so naive and stupid and funny his ex told me he would do this to me and I was so awful to her I probably could have had a better friend in her and I should have believed and listened to her.
I found this article accidentally and have never felt more connected. I guess I did not realize until now who I was dealing with. I was in a relationship for 6 years, with a guy who seemed to be the one. He was my first everything in every sense of the word, first love first boyfriend first person I had been intimate with. I met him a little before going away to college.
Being with this man was possibly the hardest experience I have had to date. This man cheated on me countless times, including times where I was pregnant. (None of the pregnancy’s came to term, my doctor suspected the stress I was under with him lead to my miscarriages). In the beginning I believed I was truly the apple of his eye sort of speak. He flaunted me, seemed to want to give me the world on a silver platter.
Things got so out of control, he ended up being physical. He had one afternoon where he spit in my face. My pride, my spirit has been broken. I know I am worthy but i still find myself reaching out to him to ask him why? why after we taken two trips to try and rekindle whatever we had. He allowed me to treat him to another trip to only break up with me 5 days after returning. I am angry with myself and mostly angry because i didnt have the courage to walk away first. I have urges to shame him, and destroy him but he seems to care less. This man has destroyed a very big part of me, and yet I am having a hard time accepting what has happened. He is back to looking for the girls he cheated on me with. I’m having trouble controlling my impulses to check on him. I want him to suffer as much as I did and even though I know that it wont happen I feel stuck. Does anyone have any advice.
Les read my blog entitled Are you mistaking intensity for intimacy and my two blogs on trauma bonds.
All this rings so true and is so well written, especially the parts in bold, they really accurately summarize the madness of dealing with a narcissist.
To so many people struggling with this, I would say that DETACHMENT is the key to your sanity.
Wow.. This article gave me a big slap in the face. Three days ago I ended my 2 yr relationship. Because I’m with a man who is purely selfish. I’ve been unhappy since our third week in when I caught him flirting with another woman. But of course I was stupid coz I couldn’t see he was just boosting her self esteem! Weeks later found him on sex websites .. Then dating sites. I even set up a fake profile to catch him out. AND I STILL took him back. Then after a fight found him sexting another girl.. But he ONLY did that to hurt me coz he wanted me back. I fell for that too. He’s took my money. He’s took my confidence. And even after I told him it was over he went into a rage saying I’d f**ked HIM over for not paying the £300 rent bill for his Xmas present.
I’ve been so stupid. I’ve stayed with him because he’s been the active father figure in my sons life. I’d say he’s even tried to manipulate me through my son. He has extremely aggressive rages.. He’s even threatened to get rid of me and kidnap my son.
He’s in a band, but it’s never felt right to me. It’s not a hobby, more of an obsession for him. He also craves attention and admiration through this. And is the main reason for most of our fights. But given the choice of dropping me or the band, he will choose the band every time. Nothing knocks a girls confidence than playing 2nd fiddle.. To well a fiddle (guitar)!
I’m lost.. I’m drained.. Verging on numb and actually feel like no one does understand this breakup, also failing to understand why I’ve taken so much hurt and still love him! I’m aware of his behaviour but still feel that I may regret my decision to end it, he likes to make it clear that “you ended it.. Remember that!”. Like something terrible is going to happen now and that I should be worried. I was called everything from a tart to a crazy person. And no way was he to blame.. I’m scared he will contact me but more scared that he won’t! I ended it, I should find the break up easier.. So why am I doubting myself? My decision? Why do I feel like I’m the one who’s gonna be forever hurt and he will be happy?
Thank you for the article.
Weirdly enough, despite being well versed in psychology, it took me almost 5 years (and several break-ups and getting back together) to realize my loved one, and “best friend”, has NPD. It just flashed and became so obvious. The typical pattern all over again from honeymoon to him going to see other people and lying about it, break up and honeymoon again. I expect him to knock at my door everyday to ask me back in his life, which only makes the ordeal harder to deal with. Although I know how bad this relationship hurt my ego I am unsure how I will handle the next contact. On the rational level I cannot come back with him while on the emotional level I remember how heavenly our honeymoons were. But then I realize honeymoon shouldn’t be plural.
To add to my conflict, my self-esteem has been badly bruised during those 5 years and I feel unworthy of another man, even though I know I am attractive, intelligent and interesting. But years of being convinced otherwise takes its toll on me.
My tactic: no more contacts. It now has been 3 weeks with a single phone call from him that I ended in less than a minute. I will not accept sending anymore energy on this sucker. Hopefully I will stick with this decision.
I am trying to leave a relationship with a narcissist and it is so incredibly hard and painful. Three times now he has broken up with me, immediately gotten on a dating website, then a week into that, comes back and says he wants to be with me. I know that to him I am just a supply for his ego. He comes back not because he loves me but because he is worried he doesnt have another supply in place and might have to be alone for a minute. Also, I believe causing me pain might actually be bringing him pleasure. The most horrible thing is that I love him, more than I have ever loved anyone. It’s very, very, very hard to get it through your head that a narcissist does NOT love you back. They just use you to make them feel better. The minute you challenge them or there is a problem with the relationship, they devalue you and throw you away. Its awful.
I forgot to mention as much as he states he doesn’t like to hurt me and its better this way – I now truly believe he likes the control and power of knowing how much he hurts me and how he knew that I loved him unconditionally and I told him I would always be there, guess I was just part of his harem and when he ran out or gave someone else the silent treatment he knew he could count on my love to be there and that is the most heinous cruel behaviour anyone could ever do to someone. They are so selfish and cruel and do not care who they hurt.
This entire article is so on point. My covert narcissant was a sheep in wolves clothing. This man is a Pastor who has been divorced 3 times. So I knew of him never ever had any!!! Interest. I was happily married for 29yrs. Untill 3 yrs ago. I lost my husband to the side effects of radiation and chemo. He was our pastor for 10 yrs very Gifted. He was at the hospital with me talking to the doctors. Beyond helpful.
After the funeral to make a long story short. He started telling me he loved the way I love my husband and he prayed For. Someone like me to love him like that.
After 8 months I fell for my pastor . He wine and dine me to no end took me to the beach 5 occasions. Took me out to eat paid for everything. I received 5 different cards , books of his love for me. I was in a relationship for 15 months with this man . He took me to the movies, shopping. Would buy my 5 different Michael khors, purse . Took me shopping several very expensive suits and dresses , he loved working out so did I.
He brought me 6 different expensive workout outfit with 5 pair of expensive sportswear shoes to match. I fell in love with this wolves in sheep clothing.
He was so jealous when I went out to my friend birthday party and took a picture with the owner he was pissed! I said it’s just a picture this man like D r Jekell and mr Hyde .
I told him he would never be the man of integrity my husband was never!!!! And he was so angry! He would make rude comments about me and I would fire right back.
Any way he would get upset off the dumbest thing I would be like what happened. So confused. Then he would break up with me say I don’t love him or treat him right.
I would say fine then a couple days later he would call and I am out of town flew to visit my friend in california for two weeks he was beyond piss.
Then would ease back in my life with im sorry etc because I would not take his crap and he was so angry that he could not control me.
10 months in the relationship christmas he brought me so many beautiful things an iPod apple a wireless keyboard for my Apple iPad air, Gucci perfume more clothes workout outfits etc… I purchase him his favorite men cologne 3 different sets. And got him an iPad mini Apple. We had a beautful Christmas that was spent at my house.
All others time I stayed at his place I never ever cooked he would always cook for me and clean up he just had me to sit back and relax on days like the 4 of July he would barbecue do everything for me .
I mean everything every Friday I would come to his house consistently over night. I felt such a connection with the man it was like we both were in sync with each other. And so I tune with each other. After 13 months of up and down on and off again.
I noticed a change in his pattern when he would normally call all the time like clock work it would be 3 hrs later I would call him and no answer.
My intution keep saying he is with someone else I felt it. When he finally called back he would say I’m sorry my phone was off I was in the grocery store. he got a pass. On that it happen again on our Friday we are always together.
But he kept trying to get me to go visit my aunt who was sick and I said on a Friday he said yes please I said you never want me to drive at night
I’m supposed to be over there he said he was so tired he need to rest etc but he kept texting me like everything is cool all thur the night untill about 11:30’hevwas going to bed.
Then about midnight my intution woke me up out of my sleep saying he is with another woman so I decided to get in my car and drive by his house. And sure enough there was another car there alone with his.
I was pissed!!! So I parked my car around the corner and walked to the empty house that was next door to his house I hid on the steps of the empty house because he had camera for security.
So I turned my phone off and texted him I said hey you up, I can’t sleep right now. I’m having this strange feeling you’re with someone else. A brief pause then he said you’re crazy
I’m not with anyone so I said why I keep getting this feeling you are and it’s telling me to come to your house and I keep saying you would not do that to me . Because you know I would be done with you.
Next thing I know he had the girl out of his house so fast I missed her coming out. Then after she left he said I tried to call u you will not answer anyway to make a long story short I R ended the relationship ask for my stuff back or I would take him to court .
I got my iPad mini back my eating trays and my wine opener and 600.00 he owed me. It’s going on 90 days no contact. So glad I found about what he truly his I washed my hands left the church blocked him from everything and oh yes he tried to contact me but he his like a vapor in my life I have moved forward.
One of the best summations of this situation I’ve read. I have a question: I am a narc supply- probably lady #3 in the pecking order- & as soon as i realised this horribly demeaning situation I went ballistic. I did the “crazy” lady routine on him. Threatened to ruin his reputation, damage his previous car- insulted him & told him he was ageing badly & financially a loser. I also exposed his lies to his main narc supply. It got very ugly. He blocked me n facebook. Am I truly free of him now that I aggressively shamed & threatened him? Will he ever contemplate contacting me- or did I do too good a job wounding his ego & making him despise me?
He will probably be very wary of you in the future. Exposing him is a massive injury, one in which he would like to avoid in the future, but once you’ve been supply, the option is always there for them in their minds.
A few hours ago I broke up the man I was dating. Although it had only been 3 months I was in love with him. I knew something was up from the beginning but I threw caution to the wind because here is this guy telling me how beautiful I am and wanting me as I am. We talked of a future family and our life together. Communication was mainly through texts, I never went to his house and didn’t know where he lived (he has primary custody of his kids and in the process of a divorce that was dragging on and on), he would come to my place but was always on a time limit of an hour or so and I never knew when I could see him. Communication was sometimes sporadic and his tone would change if I wasn’t home when he was able to come by. If I ever mentioned anything that bothered me he would always find some random example of a way I acted that he didn’t approve of and yes I would always end up apologizing.
After 3-4 days of no communication I explained that I couldn’t be with someone that loved me and ignored me the next. Of course he responded immediately and found some example of how I treated him coldly-of course I apologized. The next morning I begged for forgiveness and explained I did not want to lose him but it was no use. He spoke to me like I was a 2 year-old or someone that he couldn’t stand (same guy that just 5 days before told me he loved me). Mid conversation he blocked my number. Here I am regretting the decision but know its for the best. I now need to heal but happiness seems so far away as this break up is very fresh. I wish he could see and feel how much I love him and put his trust in me, but I know it’s not that simple for an N. Thanks for this blog and wish me luck guys! I’m going to need it 🙁
This article is incredibly succinct.
I have just completed 90 days no contact with my ex after a pretty brutal break up. The tough thing for me is we have many mutual friends. I’ve read this and many articles and could not understand how the fun friend I knew for a few years who pursued me so hard could discard me so easily like a broken toy.
After initial months of shock, it was a therapist who used the phrase King Me and narcissistic to my ex. Any partner that bombs a person with so much love, affection and sweetness that then starts to criticise and seem overwhelmingly disgusted when you disagree with them is the most confusing thing you can experience. At the time, the thought of this behaviour being abusive would be far from your mind. The thought process in such a confusion would be, “My partner is pulling away from me – I need to be a better partner! ”
However this is how shocking a break up with a Narc is.
My personal story is this: It took me two months after the break up to start to understand that when that partner ends a relationship after you disclose 1. how upset, scared and stressed you are due to life difficulties 2. and are afraid to tell anyone 3. then have a panic attack….is not a man you want to keep.
I felt a lot of shame thinking I was bad, when really the emotional callousness on his part was appalling. I was falling apart, reached out for support and found out the true reality of his selfishness.
I too was in one of those relationships for almost two years. At first it was fun and relaxing to hang out all the time, he was so nice and a joy to be with then little by little and gradually he started to critize me, put me down and call me names. He would get upset over petty things and expected me to pamper and treat him like a king but gave me nothing in return but grief. These type of people attrack others with their charms and humor then when they sense that one cares the abuse and mistreatment starts. I’ve always considered myself a strong woman but his manipulation made me second guess myself, feel as though I was a bad person, not worthy of his presence not caring or treating him as he should be treated. He craved adoration and admiration like a junkie craves drugs. He always used to say that if I wanted to keep a man I had to do this or that, the demands were endless and unattainable. One day after a bad fight I finally reached my limit and changed my number, blocked him from my email and warned him verbally and in writing to stay away from me. He threw the ‘can we just be friends?’ card at me but I didnt budge. I didnt know that there was a personality disorder for people that act like this. This has been painful but a learning experience that I will never forget’
Hello, this article has opened up my eyes to a lot of what has been going on in my relationship. The issues I’m dealing with is I’m pregnant with his baby and he will always be apart of my life. How do I deal with having a child with this type of person?
Hi Kristen I have written about trying to co-parent with a Narcissist a few times generally you a) need to have everything documented by the courts (visitation, child support…) because Narcs don’t like boundaries and rules, so you need to protect you and your baby b) only discuss matters that pertain to your child – if he wants to go off on a tangent about your relationship – don’t engage, don’t fight back, just reel it back into – “when are you picking up the baby? – he starts yelling – ask your question again and keep asking it until you get an appropriate response, then unemotionally end the call. Co-parenting is not easy with a Narc – good luck
I was with a narcissist for 2 1/2 years and I could never figure out why things were so difficult with him, since he swore he “loved” me and we were engaged. I was mentally, emotionally and physically drained when I threw the towel in after one of our epic fights. I loved him, I still do, but I just couldn’t take anymore. I started to Google and came across narcissist and then EVERYTHING made sense. I was always so confused by his behavior. Nothing added up it was always hot/cold. I felt like I was going crazy. It has been 2 months now and some days are good others are horrible. The only satisfaction I have now is PEACE. Even though I’m in pain the insanity is over. I am so thankful for blogs, they have given me the strength and the information to stay strong. He went crazy HOOVERING nonstop text..non stop voicemails…flowers..relationship book sent to my house..his friend calling me he even messeged my sister I hardly talk to…One day he loves me..the next I’m every name in the book..just crazy..I know one day he will just be a memory just right now it seems so far away. But I know after all is said and done I will be stronger and have more love and respect for myself to ever be treated that way again.
How stupid am I feeling right now?
I managed to get out of a 14 year marriage with a Narc. I had no idea that was what he was, I have been reading up on this and that is exactly what he is. I however am a shadow of the vibrant, fun, happy and confident woman I used to be. It took a long time for me to see it is not me, but him, and like others have said, the fact he was trying to make out I am the crazy one to everyone was terrifying.
So, I got out 2 years ago, and have stayed on my own, but over this last year, I have become very close to an old school friend, who initially was there for me, and the friendship blossomed… However, frighteningly, he is showing the same characteristics and is ticking all the Narc boxes.
What is it with me? I am smart, I’m caring and compassionate, so why am I attracting these kind of men rather than someone else who is caring?
I think I will avoid all relationships from now on, I can’t go through this again.
Wow, this is a really great article. It nearly brought me to tears, it was so accurate to what I was dealing with for over 7 years with my ex. I cut her out of my life nearly 5 months ago, it took a few for the (ignored) abusive texts and messages to stop. Now they have moved into trying to mess with my friendships, my work, my co-workers, etc. and I wish it would just end. I spend all my time beating myself up as to WHY someone I tried so hard to be supportive of, loving to, sensitive and caring for would act this way. Since I have done the no-contact thing, I feel better but now she goes after me via 3rd parties – still. I know with time it will stop (i hope). One thing is: Why does your article have to be so gender-specific? (ie “he” all the time) I find it a bit alienating, as emotional abuse is not bound to one gender or sexuality.
Hurt I usually don’t post comments that complain about gender, at the end of every post is a little section that says about the author. There I explain why it is written the way it is.
This was my first experience with a narcissist and boy did it turn my life upside down. Everything in this article sums up my boyfriend. At first I thought he was depressed, then I thought maybe he was a sociopath/psychopath, then I started questioning my self and my own mental health. That’s what they do, they break you in a baby horse till you dot know who you are anymore. You know they aren’t right, you know they’re making you unwell but they bully you to still think it’s all your fault? I’ve lost half my body weight in one year, started drinking heavily and smoking my head off just to get away from this awful situation. After several break ups and me getting the strength to move out- he begs for back and promises changes which I never see, then get told they were never promised. Sometimes during a fight I’d actually start laughing because it’s almost like he thought I didn’t have a brain in my head and my memory was a bowl of pudding. These are terrible people to be in a relationship with, they suck your soul out of you and want to leave you with nothing. After that has happened the little respect they have for you soon shows through. I think the only way is to suffer the pain of completely ignoring them forever till they’re gone. It’s scary because a secret part of you still wants them… Only because they’ve made you co dependant and worthless without them. Evil.
I ended a relationship 2 months ago with a woman who many of the traits of narcissism. It was a revelation to finally work out what it was that was wrong with our relationship. Once I found out I did some more searching online. Its a huge relief, Her emotional abuse left me wanting her to come back to me one day and me feeling depressed and missing her. Now I know what was wrong with her I dont think I ever want to get back into such a horrible situation again.
After reading this made me realise the last 19yrs we’re not my fault everything is true my soon to be ex husband is a narcissits after reading all about he shows all the tendencies, I remember one time is was recovering from an operation and he wouldn’t let the family round and he said I like it when you are ill I wish you were ill all the time.. He left me 6 months ago but then all of sudden the repeating started the I have made a mistake but blaming me and wanting me to chase him cat and mouse but I wouldn’t because it’s like a game but when he gets what he wants he doesn’t want it.. He does mess with my head which is why I took him back 4 times over 19yrs they make you believe it was your fault they feed of your misery it’s like power he came back as if nothing had happened its scary.. but I’m free now and I moving on it will be a struggle but I’m not going back not now not ever…
I have been with him for 10 months now and I have gone from being a independent, strong girl who has her sh*t together, to being this weak pathetic broken person. I am absolutely wrecked and depressed and want to kill myself every day. I am leaving him tonight but I am so hurt how do I get past this? How do I stop feeling this pain? Help please
I’m scared as hell as I’ve finally accepted what’s wrong in this 5-year relationship. I’m ready to run but I am in shambles as everyone has described on here, I’ve lost everything.
While I’ve read many sites and researched this thing to death, this site is by far the best with all the questions, scenarios, and information all rolled into one place. Thank you, thank you for that!
However, the one subject that no one ever seems to discuss is “HOW?”
How do you get away when you are ready, when you have nothing? No family, no friends or at least no friends who can help, no job, no car, no money, and no where to go? Everything I own is disbursed in three states among his properties. Where is help? How do you get away and where do you go?
I’ve been a strong, intelligent, independent, individual since childhood. All that has been eroded, stripped, and robbed from me. Until now, I realize what has happened and I want my life back. I am ready to break free and never look back but how far can you really get with only $300 to your name? The catalyst for me was lying in bed recently thinking of suicide, that shooting myself was the only viable option, the only way to escape. This scared the hell out of me, this is not who I am nor anything I would ever consider under normal circumstances.
Where are the articles on where to go for help? Seriously, I find myself bawling at the end of this post because I feel so stupid, pathetic, and weak, and so angry for ever allowing myself to get to this point.
How, where do you find help?
I was in a relationship with a man for 4 years at first he treated me like a princess bought me anything I wanted . And then after a few months he started telling me what to do. He didn’t like my friends. This man promised me the world. I left my husband for him. And things got worse told me what to wearwwhen I wasn’t wwith him. Screamed in my face and pushed me. But then I started fighting back and he didn’t like it. Finally 2 months ago he told me to leave him alone and I found out he was cheating on me with some woman. But he would ride past my apartment everyday and when she went on vacation he followed me and yelled at me because I was going out. He expected me to be the other woman and I said no. He still rides past almost everyday but I don’t let it bother me. This article really helped me see what he is really doing. And I have been looking up a lot about narcissistic disorder and it describes him completely.
Wow this is my life…my relationship lasted nearly 9 years and we have a child together which is tough as I will never be rid of him, the worst part is the lies he has told everyone about me his famy have nothing to do with me and only speak to our daughter through him, he has mad me out to be mentally I’ll violent and a liar and I have realised cheated on me continuously, it’s hard to put so much in to get so little out but I have to remain strong and for my own sanity stay away for good this time he has took so much from me as a person
I was in a relationship with this man for a year and a half.I thought he was my night in shinning armour he made me feel like a queen, then I started seeing changes he was hot and cold needing space then wanting Mr to be with him all the time always little pulls an pushes.I found out he and several women old sources that he kept under his spell. Was the perfect man would shower them with love and affection then blame them for his pulling away but,he still keeps them around for that fix.He had gotten much worse over the past few mouths with me.I caught him cheating with a women he has had around for over 10 years she says she loves him, he treats her well when he is around her and the sex is great he is a master at juggling women and I guess the past year I was his favorite until he got tired 9 me he blamed me for everything that was going in our relationship even tho he was cheating the mental abuse and roller coaster have been horrible he broke up with me and tried the friend thing but, just last night he told me how my laugh, my voice and my very presents. Irritated him.that he wants to be away from me.I found out that this lady of 10 years is the one he has been with now getting his fix from her disgrace me. I got out of his car and he had no problem letting me walk home in the dark this is the same man the day before told he would always protect me never let anyone or anything hurt me.I had to to walk over 10 miles by myself. picking me up a short distance from my house in order to bash my feelings in more by telling me how I made him cheat and I pushed him away. He has broken me how can I get threw this?
Thank you for this article. It helps me see things clearly and has given me the strength to get past the pain and suffering of being with a narcissist for 6 months. Thank you
Thank you for this. I just broke free of a 3 year relationship with a narcissist that nearly broke me. While I do not wish this situation on anyone, I’m glad there are others that can relate. This article describes exactly how I expect him to deal with the breakup. Never examine himself, blame me and move on.
I wish I had read this long ago, I would like to point out this issue isnt just one gender , I was married to a narcissit , this really helps understand the hell I was in,
Unfortunately my NPD ex boyfriend still has a daughter to come and see, plus we only broke up a week ago and there’s the joint bank account & joint mortgage, and a few debts still in my name that are his. Where I now know what I’m dealing with I’m hoping I’m strong enough to be dead to him.
Wow as i sit here crying because of fhis article I’m i. complete shock that i was avictume to this type of person. i was married for 21 years and met what i thoght was the most amazing person shorlty after! We had the perfectchemestry! Shorly after we met i remember sitting down and telling her every detail of my life. What caused my divorce , talked about my realky only one good friend . i musta talked for an hour. was extreamly excited with how awesome sbe appeared. how was i to know four years later her parents health was failing and she moved home to helo raise a son she left behind too. thibgs changed so fast. when she left our relationship seemed to still be peeking. we sat and held hands and enjoyed coffee , walks in the park, holding hands , Things i didn’t do in my first marriage. one of her flaws i remember was compulsive lieing! Very little talj about herself. Anyway when she left she turned extreamly cold and bitter. Trying to fabacate stories that made me look like tge bad guy. always makeing accusations and false claims. she has been gone about 1 year and had ask to stand by her through the long haul.as time went on she would constantly accuse me of things and i couldn’t figure out what was going on? Well i reciently. found out she cheated from day one that sbe slep with my friends and wrote stories about me having short penis and terrible lover and said mean crule things. si I’ve set here and got so depressed that I’m to the point i can’t function. alk i think about is why.. I’m lost and hurt and mad and the worst. part is i love her and am having a very hard time believing she don’t love me?this really can mess a person up and i feel lost.
omg when I read this I was just amazed because this has just happened to me. six months haven’t seen him but email him. I know. I call myself a heart patient because I am. I had a heart attack right in front of this man who was also a nurse. He was a ICU nurse and called me pathetic when I hit the ground after a four mile bike ride. I already had two stents put into my heart which by the way was one month before I met him. He said he did too. the point I am trying to make is that these people will let you die. I know I was there drove myself to the ER and sure enough was having a heart attack. now four stents put into my heart. and now trying to heal from it. was a three year hell. thank you for this article like everyone else thought like I did he must like me to keep coming back as I have never witnessed this kind of behavior before. it was so painful I hope something good comes from it. I myself is considering going back to college get a degree and concentrate on narcisstic recovery for the abusees. the narcissitc person a real one doens’t even see the problem. they do not hurt. so when someone says they think they are to me usually means they are not because I think narcisstic people can’t even see it in themselves. they are too busy blaming everything on you. I am still wounded. Trying to work through it. What is scary is that this man is also a nurse.
My mom sent me this after I was having a particularly hard time with my dad and this desribes him perfectly. I’ve cut off contact with my dad, but the hardest thing for me to do is stop talking to him forever. I ean, I’m 21 and the longest period of time I could live with him was two years. It’s hard not having a dad to go to when you want to talk. I love him to death but we get in these fights about the stupidest things and I’m always the one that chooses to reconcile and apologize. In all my life,I’ve never heard him say those two simple words, and I’m done being the one that’s wrong.
Lovely article, describes my last relationship to a T!!!! Only it was a “she” who was the narcissistic one, I became codependent.
Relationship was rushed, had moved in after 2 months, she fell pregnant, aborted and then I went through 3 months of pure hell trying to reconcile with her. She, just took took took, I labelled that the only thing she was interested in was free “sex,support and suppers!”
One thing I did note is that never, not once did she ever appologise for any wrong doing, not once did I hear the word “sorry”
I am now out of this relationship, NC 34 days and counting, have been ok but do miss her like crazy (yes I know……!!!) and despite what I read would have her back if she could prove herself to me, am realistic enough to know that will not happen as it would require effort on her part and an acknowledgement and remedial action.
Fortunately I have blocked her from any means of contacting me, bar her turning up at the house to speak face to face. I suspect she has moved on having found a new supply of energy to feast on, she was on a dating site less than 24 hours after she dumped me. Says it all really.
I am 43 and would normally just get on with life but this lady really got under my skin, and still is, am amazed how much damage one person can cause and then just skip off into the sunset saying nothing!
Well, I lie, her parting line was I love you but am not in love with you!!
I suspect that I was just another in a long line of the cycle, its such a shame as people like this can be the most amazing people when they want to be and meeting her I really thought she was the “one”
How little did I know!!!!!
This sounds like the guy I was involved with for over 5 years. He finally discarded me after maybe the third time by throwing another woman in my face. Having genuine love and care for someone and then them doing that will crush anyone. I’m hurt but I’m also very angry. I meant nothing to him, how could he? I just wish I never met him.
All of this is awesome, appreciated, true and hugely helpful 🙂 I’m already on the other side of my approx 2-3 year deep, intense connection with a narcissistic man I was entirely in love with (not the first, and I have a few of these traits too, which I’m working hard to happily overcome, along with other issues like codependency etc, and am thereby hugely regaining more of my own humanity, juiciness, joy, connection and authenticity :), and we do continue working together in a redefined, less personally attached, non-romantic relationship, though I do not at all support or recommend that for most people and situations. We both have some background in mental health work/education/upbringing, which plays into the work we’re doing and which helps us navigate the narcissism intelligently, but which I may opt out of altogether soon too.
Mostly I want to say here that I find it regrettable and dismaying that the author chooses to refer to narcissism as if it exclusively occurs in men? Perhaps I’m missing something, but I’m here to share that it’s of essential and equal importance for all of us as men and women to remain conscious and wise, strong and compassionate in our self-care and care of others in encountering and dealing with these traits in women too! Whether they are friends, neighbors, family, coworkers, romantic partners or whatever.
It was largely via online articles like this one that I got free …I learned tons of good wisdom and gained healing from my wise yet highly difficult narcissist here, and through websites like this I’ve embarked into a rich, rewarding and beautiful, life-affirming journey at age 50, regaining spice, glory, color and aliveness beyond what I thought was even possible, bc I felt dead inside and out before. Stay on the path with honesty and love! 😀
Hi Linda thank you for your comment. I have studied Personality disorders extensively and It would be impossible to have procured all of this information on the different aspects of Narcissism and still think that the disorder can only be found in one gender. I get emails almost daily “educating” me on this, so please forgive me if I come off sounding a bit perturbed. Of course I know that women can also be Narcissists – of course I know this – of course I know this. When I started this site it was to help women overcome these abusive relationships and my earlier blogs reflected this. As time went on more and more men started finding my site and looking for the same kind of answers. In my more recent blogs I write in a gender neutral style.
Very well said.
Your site is very informative. I realize that recognizing the behavior patterns of a nar are primary however I found that I needed help as the co-dependent and as I reviewed the blow-ups I soon learned about victim consciousness and the interchangeable roles I played in the relationship. As you mentioned, the law of attraction is working and little by little I found information that was very helpful. The nar I was involved with had me arrested after an encounter where we both participated. I spent three days in jail and was sentenced to one year of domestic violence classes. I was an emotional mess and I would shake when he tried to contact me or send me emails saying I had myself arrested. It was awful. I ended up using a 12-step program because the relationship seemed so close to an addiction, a parasite, that had control of my mind and body. Relief, realization and peace came. I listened and I talked to myself with the simplicity of saying I am. As I read so many of the responses I feel the vicious cycles that bound me and I want to encourage anyone who feels that they are stuck to take the first step out of the relationship. Your life is a gift and you do not have to suffer. The information, quotes and reading material on this site will point you to something you needed all along and were looking outside yourself for it. thank you, Sav.
Reading this just blew me away, this is just totally my situation and I feel such relief knowing that I’m not the psycho ex that him and his friends refer to me as. A therapist suggested to me my ex could be a narcissist and after looking it up I realised he fits EVERY SINGLE symptom. I was with him for five years and never even noticed, I always just kind of thought I was the only one with the problems.
He left me and our son 6 months ago, just waltzed off and didn’t show any remorse or emotion or anything, it’s like he just transitioned into the bachelor life like it was nothing. He got a new girlfriend quickly and I was just so incredibly depressed over the whole thing. I was so desperate for him, I felt just so incredibly worthless. I’ve always had a strong idea of who I am but now I just don’t know any more because some days all I can do is pine over what I lost. But if I really think about it, I didn’t lose that much. He neglected me and emotionally abused me every single day we were together. I think he left because he knew I was beginning to get fed up with the way he was. I was tired of him being out with his friends every night, only coming home about 12 so he could have sex with me and go to bed. That was the most interaction we had.
And I continued to have sex with him after our relationship ended, and he MADE me jump through hoops trying to get him back. He was at one point telling me calmly over the phone I have to say ‘yes’ to everything he said and agree with it before he’d even consider getting back with him. It was so humiliating I couldn’t do it, and he said I lost my last chance and hang up. I was just so upset that he didn’t want me back, that he didn’t miss me one bit. While I was crying myself to sleep every night, he was out drinking with his friends or having sex with his new girlfriend.
Now that I’ve realised what he is and how this is all just a game to him and that he never actually loved me the way I loved him, I’m trying very hard to cut him as much out of my life as I can. I’ve gone 2 weeks so far not talking to him or messaging him or anything. I actually dismantled my phone and gave the bits to some friends to put away until I can trust myself not to use it to call him. Each day it gets a little bit easier, because I just have to keep telling myself that that man I loved wasn’t real, and he’s never coming back. That I have to be worth more than how he made me feel. This has changed how I will approach dating in the future. I’m going to be more suspicious and less open. Before, I was happy to pay for things and money never bothered me, but now I know in the beginning he was using me for that. He lived with me for a year unemployed but if you bring it up, he scoffs and says it was more like one month. And then he puts me down and says the woman he loved wouldn’t be petty and bring that up. I didn’t bring it up in five years… and the one time I did he called me evil and nasty. I believe he had trouble keeping a job because of his ego, he couldn’t do tasks that he thought were beneath him and his bosses would get sick of his entitled attitude and fire him. He went into our relationship like he did every job. He charms everybody and everybody just loves him… for about six months when he drops the facade and shows who he really is.
The saddest part is all our mutual friends are on his side after the break up, because he was just so pleasant to be around afterwards and I was just crying and snapping and actually showing genuine emotions that apparently made them feel uncomfortable. He, meanwhile, would do a little sad sigh and then tell some jokes and everybody would laugh and tell him he did the right thing leaving an emotional psycho like me.
he’s workaholic, selfish, critical, self-centered, and ambitious about fame. he said once that his priorities were always college and his YouTube cover videos first, and then relationship. how do you know if he is a narcissist or just didn’t like me enough to work it? we’ve been together for 8 months and I’ve had enough, but i can’t tell if the problem was mine by giving always more into this commitment emotionally, and he never give enough of it, sometimes it was just none emotion. i always felt for months that something was not right, but i couldn’t know quite right what or why, so i kept testing him, and I’ve seen the worst behavior from him. My friends were always saying to me that i should break up (that he’s to selfish, he want different things, and he’s not right for me) but i ignored it, and i tried to do something about it… but it only it got worst. i only saw the real him, when i finally wanted to broke up for real… he started to disrespect me, he disrespected my mother (when i always gave my house for us to do our thing, since we are gay and he wasn’t out of the closet in public or to his parents – he said that was no problem at all for us to work out as a relationship) and was always putting me down professionally and calling me a kid (that was the only arguments he always had), and i decided to finally break up….
he wanted to stay friends, but i said no, it’s obvious we need space to move on each other and he didn’t even respected me enough to be a friend or respect us not to talk for some months now, what the hell was he thinking? I tried and tried, but i couldn’t reach him, and i still don’t know why. i always gave him space for his life and all other stuff, so i can’t say i was obsessed or anything. when i ended it was a relief, but it’s been a month and it’s been harder then i though. i can tell if it was just me that wasn’t enough for him to love me, and give just like i gave within time, or if he’s a narcissist and i simply couldn’t do nothing anymore, since people never change. he only experience was one relationship that he was cheated, 3 years ago, and it seems that he didn’t let go of it too… not that he still likes him, but i feel his anger about it, resentment for being cheated and thats the excuse he uses for him to be so cold and not believing on the emotional side, and only rational. why was he in this relationship with me after all this time? lol. i believed that it was only a matter of time to get more emotional, but i guess it was a bullshit, and i was only blind. he somehow tricked me to let my self-esteem go down with his general critics about everything, for me to get adapted to him to save this relationship (i tried to end the relationship other times, i just didn’t end it because i was blinded about him), and i forgot to listen to my voice… i feel so stupid.
he has a HUGE ego, that’s why i think he can learn or ear me out when i say he has big problems to resolve with himself as a person. he goes out on the street, and he thinks hes famous everywhere in my country just because of some cover videos he does on YouTube with 1,000 views or less daily. He leaves in a reality that he is better than everyone, he puts himself on a pedestal not only with me, but people in general. (his teachers, partners of work, etc).
i was blinded by his ways… i didn’t know exactly what was wrong, i just felt it. i just though he was insecure, scared (since the lack of experience with relationships and was cheated last time), so i fighted for the relationship, and tried to pull him off the square he lives in. but anyway, i did a research, and i think i can agree with some topics about “the codependent”… is it my fault, for me to be like this, who damaged the relationship? i always had my opinion on things, although, i was always corrected by him in the end, he was always right about everything… i started to shut my mouth, because he said i was always starting fights, when i was just speaking my mind of what i think it was wrong generally.
It’s been a really painful phase of my life, with so much happening in my professional life, i feel i can’t focus anymore, or feel like doing anything at all at the end of the day.
Recently i’ve came to know he is inviting fans to go to the cinema with him on Facebook, how lame is that? Lol. Even yesterday, after 1month and 2 weeks of no contact with him, he added me on GooglePlus, and i think it was on purpose?! All i wanted was him to say sorry, at least, and it would be so much better for me to go on… i’m afraid to see him with another guy, doing all the things he never did with me, like love him and treat him right? oh well…
help me on this one, thanks.
Why is that women stay with their abusers? A little less than two years ago, I certainly couldn’t have told you the answer to that question. Now I can. And that’s because I did.
I’ll never be able to pinpoint the exact moment when my relationship with XXXXX XXXXXXXX started to become unhealthy. It could have been as early as the moment I met him. It could have been the first time he criticized my weight. It could have been when he started controlling who I could hang out with. It could have even been the very first time he called me a “stupid slut.” Really, at this point it all becomes a big blur full of screaming, name calling, and suicidal threats, not to mention one very unhealthy pattern of fighting and making up.
With each fight, the emotional abuse became worse and worse. With each honeymoon period that followed, he’d tell me things would be different this time around and I would always believe him because I thought that our love could conquer anything. Eventually, I became convinced that I was just lucky to stand in his presence. I did anything that I possibly could to prove to him that I was worthy of his love. I gave him every single penny of the mere $100 biweekly paycheck that I earned at my student job. I stopped talking to people he didn’t want me to talk to. I ditched classes to drive an hour so I could bring him lunch at work, just to turn around and drive straight back home to school. No matter what I did, it never seemed to be enough. I was always too fat, too loud, too needy, too slutty, too something.
I guess the reason that I’m thinking about all of this is because I’ve recently been pressured by my current boyfriend to take out a restraining order so that Brett will stop sending me harassing text messages. This would involve me going down to the XXXX County court house to file for it, giving a copy to the XXXX County Sheriff’s Office to serve to him, digging up phone records of said messages, and then presenting my evidence against him in a civil hearing in which he will be in attendance.
And I guess maybe this doesn’t sound like a big deal to someone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship. But to me, XXXXX still seems 50 feet tall and I still feel like I’m 6 inches. It’s not that I admire him; it’s just that I’ve been so accustomed to thinking of the two of us in this metaphor for almost two years. It’s the equivalent of conquering a giant to me. It’s overwhelming and seems impossible and I just don’t feel ready to do that yet.
I’ve made a lot of progress since I left Brett, and I’ll continue to do so. I’m just not ready to stand up and face this particular demon yet. I don’t know if I’m wrong to ask my boyfriend to stop putting pressure on me to file the court order. I don’t know how to explain where I’m coming from in this situation. I feel like unless you’ve been abused like this, you can never really understand the long-term implications and effects of it. The only thing I do know is that I’m not ready to face Brett in a courtroom. I’m not even ready to look at him or hear his voice. Just because I’m getting better doesn’t mean I’m back to the person that I used to be yet.
So why do women stay with their abusers? I can’t really speak for all victims of domestic abuse, but I know why I did for over a year. I did it because I didn’t think I was strong enough to leave. For me, it wasn’t that I’d never considered leaving; I said to other people numerous times that I knew the relationship had become unhealthy. I knew that if I didn’t get out of it, the relationship would continue to consume me until the only thing left was a thin emotional skeleton of what I used to be. I stayed because Brett had convinced me that I wasn’t strong enough to leave him. It took me months to finally leave after that. Despite me knowing I needed to do it and despite my best friends telling me that I had to do it, it was something I had to do on my own time. I think that might be the case here again. I have to wait until I feel strong enough to face him again, because until then I won’t win any kind of battle against him, in court or otherwise.
Wow… I’m sure the last thing any of you want to hear is a comment from a Male, but my Ex happens to exhibit Every Single Sign of being a Full Blown Narc. So… while using my Son as an Unbreakable Bond.. she constantly uses him to get to me, and I Fall for it Over and Over. She’s an Emotional Vampire without any remorse or sign of humanity. After Destroying our entire Family, she’s managed to flip it to where Everyone Believes It’s All my Fault. She’s crafty and cunning, I don’t dare fight back because she may very well poison my own son against me next. Tough to do at the age of 4, but not impossible. She’s even dating a Woman now… after badmouthing Bisexuals and Lesbians throughout our. Year relationship. My son is trapped and the Courts won’t do a thing about it and as a Man, that’s not a shock. I guess my point is, Textbook Narcissicism isn’t Gender Selective, it’s a two way street and My Ex is the Best Example I’ve ever seen in my life..and I made the mistake of falling in Love with her. I’m Doomed forever.
You are not the only male here. I’ve been in my relationship for 30 years (28 married). She was driven by admiration of being a model mother. As soon as our youngest was accepted to college, she went looking elsewhere. She found someone and is now leaving me. 30 years of devastating psychological warfare. I ended up in the hospital twice with the regular issues of mental and physical breakdown. I was manipulated for way too long. Men generally stay in a relationship longer due to obligation, character and honor. I may be honorable, but I lost all my prime years to someone who never loved me. The pain is beyond belief. Especially when no one understands because I am male. She is a monster!
I divorced my narcissist yesterday. No matter how many years of abuse you’ve endured, do not give up on yourself. Everyone deserves happiness and love. You are not a failure because you couldn’t change them, nobody on the face of the earth could have. You gave them more time, love, and effort than they ever deserved. Put things in Gods hands, take a deep breath, and walk away.
I have lived together with my N for 10 years. Left him for good more than a month ago. I want to have a life. I want to have a person who respects me. Like you, who is reading this, I think, need support. No matter what he did to me, it is worse what he is doing right now. I told him face to face that I do not love him, I do not want to have a life with him….but he keeps writing me emails about how bad he feels. Obviously the emails are always just about him…like the last 10 years. And that we have to sit down, I cannot just break up with him like this. Now he even got his mother write me an email. I truly believed she would be the only one who could understand me without any questions, as she did spent 28 years with her N…his late father. But I was wrong. Interestingly all my friends…and even his friends!! understand me. One of them without talking to me wrote me: “Full respect for what you did, it is not easy, but there are cases when you must do it”, another one asked me to sit down with him…I did. First he wanted me to have that meeting with my ex. After telling him only 3 things (one is that I did not want to destroy my future child’s life …what I did tell to my ex, but interesting he did not mention to his best friend), and after less than an 1 hr discussion (not just about my ex), he said: thank you, now I understand you. And he did not ask me again to meet my ex. I have to concentrate on these moments, and not think about the emails, and what his mother wrote, which was actually I think written by him….or I get crazy, and I do not want to. Being a victim of an N does mean that you are reading this, does mean that you need help and support, even just writing things down, like I am doing will help, so do it, or visit a psychologist, like I do. Never give up, you need to be yourself, and not what you became by doing exactly what N wants/wanted. I am strong, everybody says, but it is hard for me too…but I am getting stronger by each character typed here. Take me as an example. It is never too late, years later you will be thankful for yourself…and me too when I look into my child’s eyes. Thanks for reading, it helped me writing it down, hope helped others too.
A Narcissist will take no responsibility for anything. He will criticize your appearance, abilities and your very existence. Everything has become your fault and you cannot ever please him despite your best efforts. The closer you try to get to him the further he pulls away. Then once you start to pull away, he will turn up the heat and start his pursuit once again. This constant beat down erodes their victim’s self-esteem leaving them feeling completely confused, off balance and drained of all their emotional resources.
OMG this is too close to home its true true and more true-did we date the same man Savannah! unreal
Once the honeymoon phase is over and their true colours emerge, their victims are saddled with trying to understand what’s happening in the relationship. Why are they pulling away? What did I do? Why is he treating me that way? Why are they ignoring me?
YES!this is exactly what im waitin for to happen to him and his new wife.i cant wait for honeymoon phase to be over and her to meet the man behind the mask
WOW! ive been with mine for 14years! is it even possible to get away now?
This article has been a revelation to me. Meet my n towards the end of my withering marriage, while out trying to rediscover myself. From the start, red flags galore that I chose to drive on past: it all happened super-quick, he became possessive 6wks in, didn’t want me to end it with my husband but wanted my monogamy to him, etc. My husband caught us, and the narc was angry with me and broke up with me over it, saying that if I loved him I’d have been more “protective” of our relationship. It’s been a year & a half, we’ve broken up 10+ times, all but one his doing. I know well the hoovering, he’s amazingly gifted at it.
Week before last, he asked me to help him pick up his van from the mechanic (1 1/2 hours away) and drive it home (another hour or so). Then go to a party with him on Sun. Oh, I forgot to mention the expected 6-7 hrs of ranch work on Sat. With no lunch all day, a tactic I’ve seen for awhile as just a great excuse to be furious before dinner. Anyway…
Of course, on the way back we have one of those uncomfortable silences in which he seethes and I try to think of what to say, and then he blows up at me at my house and drives off without a word. I’ve used NC, but always feel guilty and very dysfunctional for not communicating and break down and call, sucked right back in. Thank you for validating the only way to break up with a narcissist that works.
Our fight was last Sun; he texts me today to tell me he “needs to apologize to me for being negative when [he] was” and to apologize for being critical. He calls me stoic and unemotional, so he starts back up again very formally and intellectually, but he’s told me more than once that the goal is to make me cry. I’d say he mostly reached that goal, before today. I haven’t cried since our last interaction a week ago, we have no reason to engage, I haven’t texted him back and don’t intend to. I’ve left people I was much more attached to than him. I’ve lived in 5 states and currently reside 3500 miles away from where I was born and where I grew up, and away from all family (though I visit from time to time). I know how to let go.
It’s sad to me, though – he is a good, loving person, in a lot of ways. I hope he gets therapy one day. I won’t be around to see it.
OMG!!!!! This is exactly what I have been going through for the last 8 years. I went into therapy thinking I was crazy and an emotional basket case because he would do all of these things metioned above. Now that I have been reading this along with other information online I realize it’s not me. It makes me sad that he is like this because I do and will always love him, but he needs serious help. And there is nothing more I can do for this man. Reading all of this information makes me feel like someone has been following my realationship around for years and then wrote about it. Leaving him for good is new. It’s been only a week. It is hard but reading this helps me so much.
I have taken the time to read all these stories here and can relate to them all. I have been healing and growing for about one year now since I terminated the relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I have gone NC but it broke a few times because he either turned up at my home or I happened to run into him at places that were mutual meeting points like our dance school.
I think that I have finally managed to heal enough to have reached the end and now fully ‘get’ what I have allowed myself to be involved with. It has been a long process of beginning to realise how he does what he does and understanding enough to know that all I am is a source of supply; an inanimate useful object that he can pick up when he needs it.
Even though I created boundaries, he crashed through each one, and I moved further away and created new boundaries. He is manipulative, a pathological liar, charming, witty, very funny, amazingly good looking and talented.
Very early on, he stated that he wanted us to be together forever and to be married. He also wanted us to live together. I am so glad that I did not allow that! Whenever he was in my home, I felt anxious and unsafe. When we originally split, it was because I found that he had stolen some of my jewellery to sell. It was only that I found it because it fell out of his jeans pocket (I needed to sit on the chair on which he had put his jeans). I confronted him; he denied it all even though I just had the evidence in my hand. I then drove him to the train station and that was that.
The only way to heal properly is No Contact. Delete all email accounts, unfriend him on fb and social networking and block his number. I have learned that they keep coming back with promises that they never intend to keep and after a couple of days the old behaviour re-appears.
My final achievement after several attempts to go No Contact and the end for me is that I carefully observed his last attempt and was really able to see it for what it is. Because of the kinesiology work and Quanta Freedom Healing programe that I have been involved in, I have finally been able to break free and have no more feelings one way or the other; positive or negative.
I observed his attempts to contact me to talk and try to work it all out so that we could create something that would work. I went for the talk but all he could do was not listen to a word I said and then he talked over the top of me with all these promises that I have heard time and time again and do not believe. In the end I decided it was a waste of time and energy and told him I was done and going home.
Without going into details, he stayed for the weekend, ate most of the food in my home, didn’t offer to pay for any, used my resources (electricity, gas, water etc.) without offering to pay (never has offered), instead of spending time with me, locked himself in my study to play music on my computer (until I shut it down and he couldn’t use it), I made dinner and he sulked all the way through the meal because I complained about his time on the computer and not spending time together. The final straw was the next morning when he woke up and I was half asleep. He wanted me to drive him to the train station and for the first time ever I simply said “No, I don’t want to do that. That is your problem and you have to generate your own energy. not use mine.” His seductive, warm words turned to a chill and withdrawal, he got dressed and said “I will be back for my guitar one day.” I have his Gibson Les Paul guitar as collateral for all the things he has broken, damaged and for money he owes me and I shall sell the guitar to pay for it.
I spent the rest of the day happy after he left and enjoyed having my home safe from his presence and using of my stuff. It is my home that I have worked hard for.
He has been gone again for one week now and his number is blocked on my phone so he cannot contact me again and his attempts to reach me will be rejected.
If I continued to allow him to be part of my life, this would all be going on years from now and I deserve a lot better. I have healed enough to know that I have to be what I am wanting to have in the world and not hope for it to come in the form of another person. I am responsible for my own happiness and also for what I am creating in the world.
He has truly been a gift of self-knowledge for me and now he is a part of my history and one year later, I am free and do not feel anything about him except to hope that some day he is able to create a great life for himself; not likely but maybe he might.
It is a lesson in learning to observe the red flags that are always there in the beginning and to not look to others to provide my healing and happiness.
Yes I know everything in this article but go repeatedly back into this hideous web. I am as ridiculous and sick as he. I either consume my life with twice weekly therapy bills and anti depressants or spend each weekend alone. This is the second weekend alone THIS time. I can’t count how many others times in 10 years together and one year being divorced. I have no idea how to cure me.
There is so much to be said for community sharing like this. I had been with my N for 2 years. He is impeccably charming and handsome, athletic and successful. The social butterfly, the flirt. He wrote the most beautiful awe inspiring messages and I feel deeply in love with him. Little by little, lies came to light. Always about other women. Specifically his exes. He would lie to them about me, he lied to me about them. He broke up with me three times in a 2 year period, and there was always an ex he went to see afterwards. He even made them believe he was in a relationship with them, when actually we were in one. The last time we broke up, he ran back to his near ex wife. I never understand it, because he always comes back and realises how much I mean and how much he loves me. But he puts ‘us’ down so much. We never have space during the break up and he still asks favours and says things which kept me waiting for him. And when he breaks it off, he is so harsh. As recently as to say that I am selfish and self centred and crazy; and he wouldn’t be with me in a million years. It shatters your heart.
When he promises you the world but never follows through. When he keeps you close by, but is never there when you need him. When he lies and when he leaves you for other women. The logical thing to do is not put up with it, but love is illogical and I’m a fool in love.
He said hurtful things last night and ended it for good. I told him I felt mislead and would never forgive him and he needed to leave me alone. Today I had THREE messages from him. Because his ego is bruised, not of sincerity. When I finally responded hours later and said I was not okay, he wrote back saying “i pushed him and he needed to take a time out to think”. I have not responded and will not respond.
These mind games have created so much anxiety and stress in my life. I used to be light hearted and easy going and trusting. I look forward to rebuilding me. And I hope you guys and gals can rebuild YOU too.
OMG This is exactly what is happening to me, but we are back together.
I am so confused because sometimes he seems to care so much, if I am sad he says he can’t focus until he see’s me, he always calls, he is so loving and affectionate always kissing and cuddling. but he has left me time and time again for two years, if I say or do something he doesn’t like he becomes furious and always walks away. I always try to start moving on but within a week he is back begging me, promising me the entire world I try not to give in but he always wears me down saying the most beautiful things I ever heard and spoiling me he really does give me the world, for maybe a month. Then when I ask why it changed he said he can’t always be Mr wonderful when he has other responsibilities, which seems reasonable. But even then he is still in constant contact and does little service-like sweet things. When we are together he’s a good boyfriend, apart from his control which I am still fighting against after all this time. He definitely respects me for it, things even improved for seven months but then it all blew up again over nothing. I just can’t seem to escape from him.
I suffer with depression and anxiety as it is and have no family around me. Which makes it about 1000 x harder.
This article is so well written but terrifies me.
Thanks for this article and the others on this subject; they hit so close to home.
I’m lying to everyone and myself about him and now he’s never satisfied and gets me to up the ante not to lose him. I don’t have anything else to give now and i think what I loved the most was that his presence in my life means to me that I was no longer among the ranks or the “undesirable”.
I’ve had to ask myself about self-love and how I could let this happen and how many of his behaviors are mine as well. I see so many personal characteristics that were dormant since my last relationship years ago.
Its like he tries to discover what I like and then he withholds it once he knows I’m hooked (as you have so aptly documented in other posts here).
This is like an addiction and I use him and thinking about him every moment to avoid other things in my life.
If you google “David Whyte Withdrawal” you’ll get to a poet’s FB page and a post that kinda memorializes or paints a picture of what I need to do and that’s institute “no contact”. I tried it and he got around the one block I forgot about I and I fell for the “miss you” BS. I think I was secretly hoping he’d look for me. Uggggg.
I’m looking at what this burning is teaching me and looks like loving myself and admitting to the truth of how this feels and the lies I’m telling myself and others about him is in my face now.
Thanks again girl.
I’m trying to extract myself from a relationship with a Narcissist with a dash of sociopath-like energy as well. We are both part of a small community and he is well regarded as well so it is hard to cut ties.
His behavior is not as extreme (sometimes frustratingly subtle, but SO effective!) as a lot of folks report here. Yet he definitely does all this: Hot-cold, lying, dropping communication, not answering direct questions about what he’s doing when we’re not together, lies about his past, his age, self-made up name, lack of remorse couched in extreme emotional intelligence (how it’s the other person’s fault), tantrums, gorgeous, charming, socially gracious, controlling, withholding sex.
I recently tried to withdraw after a particularly hurtful maneuver and he got angry. Could not see how the impact of his behavior as being hurtful to me.
Then I did a bunch of research on line and had the “ah ha!” moment.
We had a big talk and now I’m playing sweet in order to get a chance to play my card. I’m going to lie my way out in a way that should keep his ego in tact. I will join the ranks of exes who keep in touch and keep their distance at the same time. As they say, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”
Shift, are you in Cambridge by chance?!
I’m new to this site and this experience. I am 44, married and have 3 beautiful children and a successful career. I am a kind and giving person but began to lose my way when I hit a midlife crisis and became depressed. My marriage became shaky and the Narc obviously was keen on all of this and made his move. Also a married man w three children and in our community.
He started texting me late at night. We would talk until morning. He told me about his deepest feelings and how his marriage was falling apart and even talked abt suicide. He roped me in and I started to have feelings for him. I questioned him abt what was going on btwn us and he said “let’s just be friends” but insisted I come out to his work the next day to talk abt it. I did. And for the next 6 months we “met” abt twice a week. It started to become physical in that we would hold hands or hug for ages. I would kiss his neck and tickle his arm. I was very attracted to him and he knew it but withheld sex from me the whole time. Why? Because he needed money. He was broke and in all kinds of trouble it turns out. Ultimately I have him $5000 which I will never see again. Well things came to change drastically when I slept at his house. Both our spouses were away with the kids. We planned a week of spending time together. One night my power went out so he offered several times for me to sleep over. I decided to do it because I wanted to finally see it something physical was going to happen. We had a great night out and came back to his house. I told him I wanted to fool around-that we would never have a chance like this again. He agreed and what happened was so awful I can’t even talk about it. We did not have sex but let’s just say he was satisfied and I was not.
Since that day he has blamed me for all if his failure. He says I changed his life that night because now he is in a full blown affair with a girl much younger than him and he and his wife are separated although he still lives at home and the kids don’t know. It has been another 18 months since that night and we did kiss a few more times after that but eventually he found someone single out of our community and he is now with her and treats me like shit.
We have maintained a friendship this whole time but would get into awful fights bc I would confront him when he hurt me. He blows up every time I do that. Things changed for me this past week because I had major surgery and he was very sweet and kind before it and even while I was in surgery sent me texts saying he was thinking abt me. But the day after surgery he told me he couldn’t talk to me right now but didn’t really tell me why-but said he was good through hell and talking to me was making it worse. This is the final straw. In my life, I have never met anyone like this. He is cruel and heartless. He has manipulated me for two years to get his supply-attention, love, money, gifts. I did more for him than my own husband. I finally ended up realizing what he was. He is not human. He is a monster who thrives off of sucking the soul out of its victims. I wish he would go away and leave me alone. Sometimes I even wish he would commit suicide because he has hurt and continues to hurt everyone close to him. I feel horrible for that thought. Who am I? What have I became? I fantasize abt posting pictures of him with his girlfriend or him going into motels with her (don’t ask how I have them please). Anyway, I am strong and feel like I am headed in the right direction. I will not text him or respond to his texts. If I see him I will be friendly bc I know he could throw me under the bus and seriously hurt me if he wanted to. He knows things abt me that could destroy me. I just pray that he is not so sick that he will do that. He knows I know abt his affair. I think that’s the only reason he wants to be friends. But once he leaves his wife I am terrified he will try to hurt me and somehow “tell” on me. I don’t recognize who I’ve become. I feel like a teenager-feeling sorry for myself and fantasizing abt hurting him. I’ve had enough…
Thank you so much for posting this. You have helped me enormously. No therapist has healed me more than you have.
I found this blog a couple of weeks ago after another terrible discard episode with my N. This month makes 3 years that I have tolerated his abuse. Over the course of these 3 years I have been lied to, cheated on, verbally, mentally, emotionally and yes physically abused. When we first met I was unemployed and battling depression. Even at my lowest point I was college-educated, had my own condo that I owned, car, and social life at only 25. We met through a mutual friend that lived in my building. He was from out of town and had recently moved in with his brother (also lived in my building) so our relationship got off to a fast start and we were already practically living together after only knowing each other for less than a month. We share the same exact birthday so immediately I felt this amazing chemistry, bond and attachment to him. We literally spent everyday almost all day with each other. He was very nice, sweet, supportive and appeared to want to do anything for me even though he was obviously the one broke. I was preparing for law school and he paid for my prep class, office materials, offered moral support and seemed to be just the man I needed at the time. He also was very upfront about his past (spent 7 yrs in prison, childhood abuse, sibling rivalry, poor relationship with mother etc) however I overlooked it all and only wanted to see the best in him. I am now discovering years later that I am terribly co-dependent because he showed me red flags and exactly who he was as early as the first 2-3 months of our “relationshit”. I just didn’t want to believe it or accept it as reality.
Red Flags: were as early as Christmas Day when he blew up bc his friend was running a little late to meet us for dinner. It wasn’t directed towards me so I kinda overlooked it. The next time it was towards me on New Year’s Day because we spent a little too much partying the night before. Again, I overlooked it as frustration. From there, I started to see more and more signs that he was jealous, needy, controlling. I couldn’t even study in the business office downstairs or with a study buddy without him calling or interrupting. It was like he didn’t trust me outside of his sight. He went from idolizing me and being proud of my pursuits and accomplishments to being annoyed that my studying was becoming an nuisance (in my own home) he became inconsiderate-not respecting my time and having company over while I was studying, asking me to cook him something or have sex 30 mins before I was getting ready for a prep exam, ( I was in a online class), one time he even blew up bc he left for hours and I was still studying when he got back. Long story short the support for law school went out the window and I also was going through financial struggles as I was behind on mortgage. When I confided this in him his response was to get angry (flight or fear as you put) leave home for the weekend and avoid my calls. He continued to flip the script and when it came time for my official exam he decided to stay out until 4am (had to take test at 8am) and refused to even drop me off to my test. This was Feb 11′, he brought me NOTHING for valentines , I brought him cards and gifts and he responded by starting a argument with me and treating me like shit the whole day. It was like he was purposely ruining it. One week later on “our” bday he does the same thing again, this time ignoring me and sleeping in most of the day but bc it was HIS day also he broke down and took me and some of my family to dinner to look good… 3 days after our bday he stayed out again. Through my aunt we were able to mediate so I let him come back again. Thinking he just needed space.
However, I became more clever and started catching on to his lies, spying in his phone, facebook acct etc. eventually finding out he left someone else for me (disappeared) and still had the lines of communication open (through his mom, sister) even though she was miles away. Had obviously started cheating with someone in the city, hence the staying out all night. That month he also bought an studio office space with some friends and fully furnished it (instead of buying me furniture he promised for my place or contributing) so he could have somewhere to hang out /cheat all day instead of being home with me. Surprisingly, I STILL didn’t leave or put him out! He was also sneaky as hell, because most of this happened while I was around ! I was always with him unless he stayed out. He would do things like start walking away to take calls, Facebook etc.
When it suited him he switched from telling me and everyone how great I was to putting me down telling me I needed to get a job since I obviously was not successful with law school admissions. He was trying to create distance so he could be at his spot doing as he pleased without me right under him. Shortly, after this his mom / sister came to town and instead of being family of being family oriented like most men he left me to entertain them with his brother while he sat in his “office” all day. The night before they left he started putting his hands on me. It went downhill from there and I put finally put him out. He did no real begging or pleading as he already had supply lined up . He just came over got his things , started another fight and left. During the first break up he was swaying back and forth still calling me over to see him at his “office” but not trying to reconcile and come home. He even withheld my aunts property (he is a computer techinican by trade) to keep a reason for us to contact him. I ended up going to a diner with him at 3 am one morning after I went to get her belongings and he ended up staying at my place we had sex, the next morning when I didn’t want to drop him AND his friends off somewhere he got mad and said don’t call him. I cut him off few days later and he was pissed. Said all kind of hurtful things to me via text even insinuated he could start a relationship with another girl in the building. Still kinda strong at this point I told him to go for it and go to hell. The break up lasted only a month before he was tired of the new supply who wasn’t as “useful” or good for his ego as I was then he started hoovering back using his mother and mail as an excuse for us to communicate.
I took him back and he managed my expectations down so low by being verbally disrespectful, playing both sides of the fence as he left the last fling, blowing hot and cold . I managed to get a job during the separation he would stay home all day and leave to hang out “take care of his business” just before it was time for me to get off. Not deciding if he wanted to fully move back in (between me and his brothers) and eventually more physical abuse. That job was only temporary and I quit 2 days before the project was over to watch him. I became a prisoner to my own home. He never wanted to do anything but sit on the computer allll day. I had to make a big deal for us to go to a movie. The excuse was always we were broke….
Fast forward to next break up, still going through the same motions and I’m getting ready to start a new job (his friend actually helped me get!) he gets mad bc I wanted to go home to see my family after not seeing them for a year. He leaves home to stay out and I jump on a plane the next morning. While I’m gone he’s cheating. I come back, pop up unexpectedly at the “office” catch him red-handed and end it. Unapologetic , he just decides to stay with his friend for a few weeks and then moves back home which is out of state. Immediately, picks up a new pawn there and start letting her tag all sorts of pictures of herself to his Facebook page to upset me.
I am livid because he was on my cell phone account and won’t pay the bill.
Guess her honeymoon lasted for a while (2 months nc) then as soon as the new year came in he’s contacting. It’s getting close to our bday. I give in and talk but he’s obviously still with her no guilt remorse just letting me know what he’s been up to! Somewhere around Valentines more subtle signs he’s coming around adding me back to social networks, calls, I finally break after our bday. Get back in touch and drive 7 hrs to reunite with him. Somewhat good reunion wants me to come back and stay with him help make the new house a home etc. turns out all he wanted was for me to transport his clothes that he left behind , and become his domestic sex slave again and use my car.(never had even a fuckin car). He is also facing legal troubles again at this time. I support ,go to court with him, cook, clean, sex, help with homework, business matters etc. he won’t even remove pics of ex down from Fb I am completely insecure that he is still in contact bc I’m in their town don’t no anyone, he takes me nowhere etc. lots of humiliation in front of all his family and friends, leaving me locked out the house for hours if he gets mad, cheating etc. after a bad and worse incident of physical abuse I leave..move home with family and nothing for 2 months. He calls right before he knows he’s going to do some more time. I ignored stayed in NC! I was strong until he called me from jail got hoovered back with everything under the sun when he was in jail, letters, apologizing , promises of never hurting me again , marriage, constant “I love you’s” he didn’t think our love was genuine now he knows, spiritual talk (refused to ever go to church or even have a decent conversation about it before) etc. This went on for a year and I stupidly waited on him in hopes of a brighter future. Well here we are I flew to meet him in October when he was released and spent the weekend reuniting with him. Only a week after I leave bad behavior, won’t update Fb, not upholding promises of working, moving here to be with me etc.
He hates that I know all his patterns of bs now bc it’s so hard to trick me so he actually tries to break up with me over nothing smallest thing and I actually responded the same ways as in the past! Blowing his phone up becoming hysterical…break into his Fb finds out he is on the hunt! Hitting up everyone old and new propositioning them for sex. Even contacted his ex of over 10 years ago. She is married now still telling her how she was his first love etc.
Of course I outed him ! Went crazy over 80 calls and several messages voice and text, Took screenshots and texted them to him so he couldn’t try the denying / gaslight shit. Told him never call me speak to nothing again. So here I am now hurt again, confused and back to the same state as usual. Took a week off from work, haven’t been anywhere just completely a mess. I am in conseling now and I’m determined to win this time. I want my happiness back, I never again will allow him or anyone to do this to me again. I miss him at the same time and have sat here and blamed myself. Maybe I was too pushy ? I should’ve went back to see him? (I knew he was horny and his high sex drive) I should’ve beat him to the punch, I should’ve never even let him back in. I simply am haunted by my thoughts day and night and believe or not your blog along with some others brings more peace to me than conseling. This is probably the longest post and I haven’t even mentioned how I even suspect he is secretly bi-sexual or did some homo things while in prison and out just based on his behaviors, conversations, out right disgust and disapproval for gay men and paranoia. Omg it’s just so much and he is a textbook N cluster B all the way. I just keep telling myself I had to go through this and I will heal. Thank you for this blog and for everyone who shares their story bc it really does help. To think I almost let him get me pregnant (was his mission so I wouldn’t go anywhere ) God didn’t want that and I will patiently wait on someone He has for me bc it can’t be him and his sick family.
Wow, this sounds exactly like the man I was involved with.
Once you are out of it, understand it, it is frightening to realize how the narc person has harmed you and changed your peace of mind foreever.
Thanks for putting the words together that describe the indescribable.
Free feel 200 meters. The only thing that saved his life that time was not wearing a seat belt dam it. Things have been rough. I’m a private gay guy. However after 2years. He has outted to me to my community. Posted unimaginable things. Including my face pic . Place of work. Work email address. phone number. That I have H. I .V.(which I don’t) pretends to be me on servral different gay phone apps. Taken a protection order out against me the week after the police found and arrested him a hundred meters from my house. the night when he said he was coming to kill me. This happened after I took his call and the suicide threat had worn so thin. I said to him. I can’t stop you. However. The list goes on and on. However just wanted to make my point. We are both males. so either sex can be effected. I don’t have a voilent bone in my body. However there was physical abuse also….. despite all. I still wish him no harm. Just beaweare these people tell unbelievable lies. Have no remorse. And do everything and anything to destroy you. I’ll be following the no contact advise. I just hope this works. I can’t do this forever.
Hi all. Wow….. thankyou. I can breath again knowing I’m not alone. My partner tried everything. Including over 30attempts at suicide. Each time wheeling me back in. He has effected my life emencely. Including driving off a cliff
omg. so true. this is so true…this article gives me hope that things can be better and makes my beliuef in myself and my decision to break free firmer. this article describes my whole relationship exactly.
very helpful. so many women never know this. blame themselves, try to locate their weaknesses, internalise, wihdraw
I don’t buy were women with no self esteem for most part. We are compassionate, loving, caring women who trust too easily. Were decent women who could not comprehend such behaviour… We were conned and who wouldn’t be so don’t beat yourselves up ladies. Pity them…. and get your revenge my moving on asap and next time if someone is Mr Charming right off…. red flags! Smile and put it down to the fact you simply had the misfortune to meet them it’s as simple as that and we are great women. Go girls! Love Helen
WOW!reading this has brought tears to my eyes and a chill in my spine. I’ve been currently dating this crazy person for 8 months, he’s cheated on me- I broke it off and landed up taking him back, he lies constantly and almost often makes me feel like I’m going nuts. I feel like I’m trapped and can’t get out. I don’t know what to do. How do I end it? He is an extremely vindictive, revenge seeking, nasty person to anyone that has done him wrong. I’m fearful he’ll do something to me…
I can’t imagine that a normal relationship with a person who’s been saying, “I love you”, “Of course I want to be married to you”, and “I’m happy you’re my wife”, would just suddenly end without them putting some effort into acknowledging problems and putting effort in working on the relationship they SAY they value. Narcs, however, are pretty much all lip-service. They don’t really love or bond with another person so it’s very easy for them to walk away especially once they have a New Supply on the hook.
I want to say that the article is great, however the Narcissistic monster is not akways a man. I am experiencing the most heartwrenching relationship with a single mother who is a narcissist. I have just today put everything together and realize that I am a codependent. I am concerned about the children as well as her after i break his off, an advice?
I have read this article so many times. I have made the decision to break free from my N that I have been seeing for over 3 years. We have broken it off several times in the past, more him than me. I have been completely guilty of being Co-dependant. That description fits me perfectly. On my birthday over email, he broke it off and refused to do it in person. I had never seen him so cold and abrupt. He has never told me the hurtful and damaging things he did. I was devasted and shocked, to say the least. Being the classic co-dependant, I offered the friend card to stay in touch because I felt I didn’t want to lose him completely. I think in doing this, he lost all respect for me, if he had any left. I just felt like a horrible reminder of a woman that just wouldn’t go away, claiming she cared and wanted him to be happy.. blah, I’m so embarrassed of myself. Needless to say, we have corresponded a couple of times since he tried to walk away but, yesterday, after reading these articles (this one specifically) I decided to delete my email account completely after he vanished during a converstation. He knows I can’t stand when he stops and ignores me and never says bye.. Like a moron, I kept writing thinking he is going to write back. When he didn’t, I realized that this was his way of tormenting me and lowering my expectations of him even more and letting me know that I don’t even deserve the common courtesy of telling me that he’s going to let me go, just disappears… After deleting the account, I felt empowered, like I was taking control over a toxic relationship but I couldn’t stop there… I knew if he couldn’t reach me via email at his convenience, of course, he would then realize what I did with the instant notification that my account has been deleted. I knew he would harass me on my cell phone, so I called my carrier and changed that number, too. I would have never had the courage to respect myself enough to break away from him without reading these articles, my fellow co-dependant’s stories and my close friends. Thank you Savannah and to all your readers. I have a tough road ahead with griefing for what I did and feeling guilty. I hope in time this void and hurt goes away. I will keep reading your articles for emotional support.. Keep them coming!!
This article really hit close to home, unfortunately I have been living this life for over six years now. I was recently “dropped” by my husband after refusing to accept any more lies or abuse. No contact is the only option I have, and I actually feel myself getting a little stronger everyday.
My experience was a little different and I don’t know if I would recommend this. I knew well before we even started dating something was ‘off’. I was in AA recovery and this man decided without even knowing me I would be his next wife. I can’t tell the number of times I said no to even having coffee with him because I was still grasping sobriety and did not want any distractions. Well finally I said yes yet I was very reluctant because I knew his history of ‘discarding’ women so honestly it was messed up from the beginning because I never truly believed him. I can so relate to the idealization phase..the endless emails, texts, wanting to see me all time, the gifts, yet I started to catch on..whenever I gave him what he wanted he became angry or pulled away. I started feeling ‘stupid’ and saw his lack of empathy when I was in pain. I started playing the game and that is the part I don’t recommend. This was so emotionally taxing, I lost weight, starting smoking all the time, calling into work, started meds, seeing a counselor twice a week, terrified one day he would see me for who I really was because I was nothing like the girl he made me out to be. It was so much work and finally I ended it because I thought I was going crazy but he was relentless about getting back together for YEARS. This past time I was able to completely avoid him and he was livid. That was a month ago and I had felt bad for sometime but now I am relieved. Women in the program say I should not avoid him and face ‘my fears’ but I don’t think they get it. I’m still trying to become whole and useful in this society and be more than a participant a ying-yang unhealthy relationship.
Getting ready to leave my husband who displays to a tee everything laid out here. I am strong and ready and truly excited to live my life again. My kids will see that their mom is strong and not model this life for themselves. I just love them too much. Just the article I needed the day after I told him I am done with our marriage. Believe me I got every degrading comment to bend me back into submission but I’m not falling for it. Yay me! My heart and soul goes out to people dealing with this. Stay strong and find little ways every day to love yourselves again. I believe life can be so sweet if I can just be strong enough for the battle.
My heart and soul go out to you! I was strong enough not to hang around for crumbs and cut ties after the first sign of obvious disrespect. But it’s been 15 months no contact, and I STILL think about him constantly! The cruelty after (what I thought was) the closeness is still so raw! Really disillusioning to learn that there are people so damn evil . And I don’t use that word lightly.
Your strength to embrace life after your N is inspiring!
This article was great. I was involved with a narcissist for 12 years. During this time he has broken up with me 30 times. The last break up was 4 months ago. The way he broke up with me was so cruel. This man was so demeaning and critical of me during the 12 years. Everything that was been mentioned in this article and other articles I have read describe him to a “T”. All I ever received in the relationship were the crumbs. I’ve gone no contact this time and it is not as difficult as I thought it would be. He has made no contact which is so different from the other break ups, normally he would find some stupid reason to contact me. I just need to be strong. I need to get him out of my life.
I think what screws with me the most, is that I’ve come out in the end feeling like the tables have turned. My whole life I’ve been told that my heart was my best quality. I’m loving, giving, smart, fun, pretty, make good money… You get the picture… So how is it that I can allow someone in just a 2 year period (I’m 43) make me believe that I’m the narcissist? And at the end of our relationship I was starting to do alot of the things that he had been doing. I just can’t seem to make sense of it
Savannah these traits can also apply to a woman as well. My question to you is that a lot of these traits mirror a mid-life crisis which just ended my marriage. I didn’t even know a woman could have one. How does an MLC end for a woman? Do they ever come back?
Wow, your articles are really eye-opening.. I’ve been reading about narcissism the past year or so (40 or 50 books at least), and I’m still learning new subtleties through your blogs. So many things resonate with me here.
I “think” I’m over my last Narcissist BF, but am not 100% certain. He certainly no longer is appealing to me from an intellectual or emotional standpoint; but not sure if I would trust myself if I were around him in person and exposed to his charm again.
He’s really angry with me right now; and he’s had a new girlfriend for 5 or 6 months. I’m guessing, though, that I’ll hear from him again within a year or two when his supply runs out. My hope is that by then, I’ll be highly resilient to his type and won’t be at risk any more..
This is so true! I was married, and I fell in love with a narcissist. My marriage was already doomed, but it didn’t help to have the narcissist muddling things up even more. He preyed on my insecurities from the failing marriage and I didn’t see it hit me. Then, I kept “waiting” for Mr. Narcissist to begin a new life with him. Ha!!
We worked together and everything was a secret. Unless he wanted it to not be. I was a fool.
I am now moving on and meeting quality men who appreciate me and value me. It’s been a long ride, but I’m over Mr. Narcissist (as over as I can ever be) and I am busy in the dating world and meeting a lot of new men.
I feel bad for these new guys, because now I have my guard up and they are being held to a higher standard. Pay for my dinner, open the door, etc, etc. You can call me for a date, I don’t call you. I hope this experiement proves to find a “good guy” this time.
JD I write my blogs in the spirit of the woman’s perspective. Absolutely there are female Narcissists. If you’re asking how you contributed to this, I would suggest you read my post on Codependency. It may provide you with some valuable information.
Just an observation in that women can be Narcissists as well. This article describes my wife of 23 years to a “T”!!
She abandoned me and my three sons 6 months ago and told me she doesn’t love me anymore because I can’t give her what she needs.
Has frequently told me I am too sensitive and I need help, when all I was asking her to do was be honest about some messages on her phone from another married man. I could soon write a book about all the emotional abuse that I have been through. I always thought there must be something I am not doing right. Or maybe there was something wrong with me. This article has helped me tremendously!! Thank You!
Wow so real, like you were talking about my ex to a T.
Wow this is truly a remarkable and eye opening article. It confirms everything my one friend Deborah said about the man I was dating 3 years ago.
Now I am working on making a better life for myself and try and recognize the narcissitic behaviours so I don’t fall for another bad relationship.
Thank you again for the article.