I get a lot of emails from people that are confused about the mixed signals they receive from men in relationships. The hot and cold behaviours usually leave them unsure as to whether or not they are actually involved with a Narcissist. We have to be careful not to paint everyone with the Narcissistic brush, as even healthy relationships do have their ups and downs, but there are some pretty easy telltale signs.
You know you’re involved with a Narcissist when they exhibit several of the following behaviours:
- What they say and what they actually do are two very different things
- They are incredibly selfish
- They lack empathy – they repeatedly show you that they don’t care about your feelings or how their behavior will affect you
- You’ve caught them in many, many lies/stories
- They minimize their involvement or responsibility
- It’s all about them – everything is always on their terms
- They require excessive amounts of attention and admiration
- They blow hot and cold and tend to get bored easily
- Their head seems to be on a swivel always looking for opportunities to obtain more Narcissistic Supply
- There are usually a string of women in the background that he calls ‘friends’
In my blog entitled What Walks Among Us, I describe how Narcissists fear intimacy and that their primary goal is to extract attention and admiration (Narcissistic Supply). This need for admiration is all consuming, it is their drug and they will say and do whatever is necessary to obtain it. What this means is that if your feelings get hurt, or you are left feeling used and like such a fool, then that is an acceptable loss that the Narcissist is willing to take. These guys are skilled users and manipulators. While it may be hard to wrap your head around why someone would be so deliberately cruel, the best way to explain it is to compare them to a crack addict. Just like a crack addict would step over their own mother for a hit, so too, will a Narcissist walk all over you to get their fix.
I recently had an experience with my ex-narcissist that really drives this point home. A few months ago I accidently responded to a text message, after I went eleven months of ignoring his attempts at contact. Within the first few days I was treated to lines such as:
“I will always love you”
“I’d marry you tomorrow,”
“I think about you all the time.”
He even offered to move me into his house rent free. He laid it on really thick and then once he was convinced that he had successfully secured my affections again, he blew cold and off he went. Because I knew what he was all about I wasn’t left devastated like I was the first time around, but I decided to call him on it and as per usual, he minimized his responsibility and claimed that I had misunderstood. I brought up his declarations and here is how he translated (explained away) these phrases.
“I will always love you – you’re my bro, my buddy”
“I’d marry you tomorrow – I’m attracted to you”
“I think about you all the time – I think about you once in a blue moon, a few weeks might go by though”
By confirming that I was still into him, he was able to ascertain that I was still an option for him, should he have a need for me down the road. And that was pretty much all he wanted from me. Ego stroke obtained – check.
While most people would have a really hard time disrupting the life of their ex, re-engaging with them, stirring up old feelings only to pull the same con again, Narcissists have no consideration for anyone’s wants, needs or feelings but their own. If you feel like you’ve been had or burned every time you engage with these sorts, then you have been – trust your instincts.
These types love to play the friend card, because it gives them an all access pass to your life, while at the same time making sure you have absolutely no expectations of them. Natalie Lue explains, in her blog Baggage Reclaim that, “this friend card allows them to keep a foothold in your life. They can’t commit to being with you and they can’t commit to leaving you the hell alone. It also stops you from being able to move on.“
My ex-Narcissist is a somatic Narcissist (obsessed with bodily beauty) which means he practically lives at the gym. Almost daily I would receive nude or scantily clad pictures of his sculpted body, with the phrase, “I miss you.” (This is what buddies do right?) There is only one other set of three letter words that causes more trouble and confusion.
I Miss You
I miss you…it seems to be the catch phrase of the Narcissist. What does that even mean? I wish I could be with you, but something is preventing it? (Like me) I’m thinking about you? (But only at this minute) The truth is- it means nothing. It’s one of those phrases that women give way too much importance to. What it means is, you’re on my mind for now and I’m looking for a way in, but I’m not willing or prepared to seriously do anything about it and it’s just ambiguous enough to free me from any responsibility or expectations you may have.
I’m sorry is another one. I must have received enough I miss you’s and I’m sorry’s to fill a library. I’m sorry allows the user to wipe the slate clean from all previous wrong-doings, even though they will likely not be sorry and will probably do the same thing again.
“Words are the least reliable purveyor of truth”
-Neale Donald Walsh
Irrespective of what words and phrases are being tossed around by your mate the only true sign of sincerity are actions. Actions do speak louder than words and if your partner’s actions are not respectful, not loving and not consistently so, who cares if they’re a Narcissist or not. The truth is there are lots of sweet talkers and con men running amok in the world. If your mate says, I love you ten times a day and then treats you like garbage, it’s the actions that you should be focusing on.
It’s really easy to say I love you, it’s a lot harder to prove it. So if you’re confused about your guys true intentions, always follow their actions – how they treat you on a consistent basis is indicative of their true feelings and tells you everything you need to know.
The texts that I received on a daily basis included:
Good morning (before I awoke, daily).
I hope you are having a good day (about 2 hrs. later, daily).
I miss you (multiple times a day).
Tu me manques (“I miss you” in French -at least once a day).
How are you feeling? (afternoon).
I hope you had a good day (afternoon/almost 5 pm).
*at least one effusive/over the top/emoji-laden love-themed message*
You are my soulmate – multiple times/week.
You are my starmate (yes, he said it was more than soulmates – LOL)
I can’t believe I’ve finally met you.
You are making me believe in fate.
I think soon I’ll be making a trip to…(insert my hometown – never planned nor did it happen).
I imagine you as my wife.
I imagine introducing you to my children.
I imagine the child we could have together (along with a stock photo of a child who vaguely looks like both of us).
The list goes on and on and on…
It’s uncanny the way they all seem to have the same script. My ex-narc texted me “I miss you” probably upwards of 40 times a day, every day, over a span of 11 months. At first, it was creepy, but I ignored that sign (and all the signs). By month 3, I could not get enough of him. Somehow, he didn’t know, so the love bombing continued right up until the discard. I didn’t experience a true devalue stage until after the discard. And it was full of “jokes” that I received as insults, back handed compliments and slights against my very character, which hurt to the bone. The discard was brutal and only occurred after I let him introduce me to his son, against my own wishes. I wasn’t ready for that, we were casually dating still, but he had insisted I was the love of his life. I still kept him at arm’s length, but I guess with the actual meeting, he thought I was secured and the devalue/discard began. Honestly, now that it’s been a year, I feel sorry for him that he was really so needy as to continually con women this way. Sadly, when all his supplies ran out, he actually committed suicide. Unfortunately, I was relieved he didn’t take anyone ekse with him. He really was a deeply melancholy, troubled, insecure and dangerous person. I do pray for his soul, but if they really never can grow or change, I can understand why he ended his misery – and everyone else’s, too.
This article really helped me today. I was going through the comments, and just by looking at the sheer no. of people that are in the same boat as me makes me wonder if like all the things that we are taught about by our parents or at school, NPD should also be the one. I was in a 3 year long relationship with a Narc who abused me both physically and emotionally. I was hooked and kept going back to him. Guess my self esteem was too damaged and my love too strong as he is my first love. I’ve been practicing NC for a month now and since I contacted his parents and told his dad to keep him away from me, he is not bothering me much other than the initial “I need to talk to you” text or some calls that I just ignored. Some days I really miss him. I wish if we could have the good parts and somehow get rid of the bad parts of our relationship, he would be the guy I would like to be with. But the bad parts not only hurt me but it affected the people around me. It made me a completely different person, a sad, socially-awkward and scared person. I know that it hasn’t been long and I have to go a long way in healing, but the thought of being my once happy care free self keeps me going. I hope I ll come of this stronger and better and all you guys too !
Keep motivating… each one’s story helps 🙂 !
Good article. My ex-narc would never apologize or explain himself. He said John Wayne would not have apologized or explained himself and he isn’t about to do so either. If I ever questioned why he did or believed something, he referred me to a John Wayne movie. How I hate John Wayne movies now!
Also, he was aware of what he was. The first time we exchanged “I love you”s, he kept telling me the things he does, and I thought he was exaggerating. He even said he had no choice but to live with himself but I did. When someone tells me something about themselves for now on, I will listen, and I will run if called for.
If you ever break up with them, which I did, block in every way possible. He has the patience of a saint and the sting of a scorpion. Do not get pulled back in. They are out for revenge.
So happy I can write this and not hurt anymore. It takes time. Be kind to yourself people, because the Narc won’t be.
What is it when they tell you other things that aren’t related to love? What could that mean?
I’m reposting another 5 weeks on. I’ve remained minimal contact and he’s tried everything to come back and rekindle what we had. He’s told me of all the changes he is going to put in place to win me back. He’s done NONE of them! Only words to sweet talk me. He hasn’t paid a penny for his son but has been on holiday and bought new clothes and has gambled the rest away. He has asked for my help with money… I’ve refused. He turns up at the house looking the best he can trying to make me fall at his feet. I’ve been too nice on occasion but have stuck to my guns. I’ve started getting counselling to help get back my self esteem and am continuing with the divorce. So far he ignores the official letters I feel in a bid to hold off the divorce and come back to me. He has continued to lie about lots of things I hadn’t realised how much he actually lies before. I’m still heartbroken but I know I have to do this in order to regain my life. I hate the fact that I love someone who is so very awful to me. I see now that his persona is just that it’s so false. Scratch beneath the surface and there is nothing there. His air of cockiness sometimes makes me believe that maybe he is all the things I want from a man but I have to keep in touch with reality and see the facade for what it is. He’s tried ALL the hoovering techniques and I’ve stayed strong. They are waning now and I feel lost and abandoned myself. I just hope one day he regrets loosing his family and I go one to lead a fulfilling life. So sad we could have had it all but it’s just not possible with a narcissist. These past few weeks have only affirmed my belief that he is DEFINITELY a narcissist. Keep your fingers crossed still for me.
Thank you! This article is JUST what I needed. I’ve not gone NC with my narc but stopped dating him and went into friends mode a month or so ago. I found out 11 days ago he’s a narc and have read everything I can get my hands on. This right here is what I needed today!
Today is is bday and of course I wished him a happy bday. Last night he sent me a picture of himself crying and heart blow kisses etc. Then we spoke today and the well wishes etc. This is after 10 days of pics, texts, everything they pull. BUT! No action. No dates, no hey let’s grab dinner. If someone wanted to be with you and they had a chance they’d ask you. He doesn’t want to be with me, he wants to secure his supply. As you wrote.
I broke it off with him and next is NC full on. Bye Bye!
I came looking for validation as I sat feeling bad and you have provided it. Again, Thank you!
I’m reading this article and many others online to help me to continue with my break up from my narcissistic husband. I can truly say I have just endured the worst 5 years of my life. My narcissistic husband walked out 5 days ago and for once in my life I let him go. No begging no crying no giving him space just for him to come back and treat our family exactly the same. I knew early on what he was but just hoped he would change and he would treat me right. If anything it only got worse because I honestly think he thought he’d always get away with it. He has systematically bought me to my knees. I was a confident established financially secure divorced woman when I met him. He had nothing but good looks and charm and an ability to make me believe he could offer me the world and love me. I quickly had his son as that is what he wanted and asked me to marry him within a month. I was caught up in the romance and he swept me off my feet. Everything changed early on. It’s so hard to condense all the things he has done. Mostly the slightest thing I say or do aggravates him and he quickly turns. He doesn’t communicate he just rages his absolute disgust at me and walks out the door switches his phone off blocks me and is gone for at least a night a week EVERY week! Then I end up contacting him smoothing things over and begging him to stay. Which invariably he does. If he wants his own way or just wants to shut me up he threatens to ring the police . So I do as he says because I am so embarrassed of the police turning up and logging it as a domestic incident . He has done this 3 times already and it ends up in social services being involved and I’m totally embarrassed as I’m a good mom also I’m an ex police officer and ashamed of the situation I am in. We had words in the car once so he stopped on the hard shoulder of the motorway and told me to get out. I didn’t as the kids were in the car. He said it was my fault as he didn’t like what I said about his dad. HE HASNT SPOKEN TO HIS DAD FOR 5 years. But he blames that on me also. He takes absolutely no responsibility for anything he does. He has left me and the kids in so many social situations there are too many to count. He cancels everything and I no longer look forward to anything. I’m not the only one. He flew home from a family holiday with his dad before he met me so I know it’s not just me. He is quick to get angry and has smashed up items in the house. When I try to talk to him he says if you don’t shut your noise I’m gonna smash this chair or this table or whatever so I have to stay silent. He knows how much I hurt when he leaves and let’s us down and leaves me explaining to people why things are cancelled but he does it anyway. I get so frantic and desperate and can’t stop crying. I ring everyone to contact him. He lets me stew and sometimes just gives a half hearted apology to get his foot back in the door. I feel such a mug when he does but I feel relief once he’s back and I get a glimmer of niceness … I know I’ve become pathetic and I know this is unfair on the kids. Anyway he walked out 5 days ago got the keys to his brothers flat and he is staying there. He made his usual big stance that normally gets me in tears and I beg him to stay but this time I just let him go and cried once he’d left. WELL here’s where it all gets interesting. I remained strong NO CONTACT. He then started contacting me. He wanted ME to apologise. I refused. Then he said he’d let it go and he’d come home. I refused . It’s been 5 days and he’s now begging me says it will never be over and I will regret this and I should have him back now before it’s too late. I’ve refused. He’s been drinking ringing me until the early hours wanting me back. I HAVE NEVER HAD THIS! And to be honest I’ve been tempted. But family and friends have helped me stay strong. I feel sick to my stomach but read online everyday which helps me. I have a solicitors appointment to start divorce proceedings in the next 3 days. I am determined to follow this through. I have a nice home with a lot of equity and am worried as to how much he will want. I had the house before I met him . He’s only ever rented . I offered him stability security love the lot but he just has this unfounded belief he is the best thing on earth. I’m now seeing through him. He tells me I’m an old bint with soon to be 2 failed marriages and no one is going to want me. After this I don’t want anyone! I’ve had no life. He’s never home, does nothing in the house or diy. Never takes me and the kids out. So I’ve nothing really to miss . I just hope I see this through but know it will only get worse before it gets better. PleAse keep your fingers crossed for me.
I am now 44 years, and still healing from my mother who is pure narc. and I was her thrashing doll, her evil is in the form of mental punishment and I now understand why this type of people needed in our ecosystem on earth, for they teach us to be spacious and to say no thank you!
and proceed with peace in our hearts.
“People only see it clearly in the outside world as it can irradiate with light from its interior”
Love for you all and keep healing!
Wow powerful article and comments . Just ending my 15 years with narcissistic man. It has been difficult but I have good support from friends and family
Each day is better. We did have a conversation today as he has some furniture of mine in his storage. But after a 10 minute conversation of crazy talk, I just said keep it, it’s just stuff and hung up. Just that brief conversation was enough to feel like I was right back on the hamster wheel, around and around etc. Done. Not easy but articles like this and hearing others stories helps ..
My experience has been horrific & exactly as NPD descriptions state. I came across the disorder after a violent rage & my discard with follow up devaluation in the form of an email.
My gut reaction to the email was ‘the real you at last’
I was too frightened to react or respond, I was suicidal.
I left things alone completely, a new love was posted on his Facebook to rub things in & cause me an extra helping of hurt.
I really thought that he couldn’t be a complete NPD as the door to hoovering was slammed by him.
How wrong I was, it has followed the pattern of illness, I love you, I’m so sorry, I’ve changed, I want you back, yet his relationship is still active.
Gently I’ve mentioned this FACT & that he is compromising his partner. Gently I have asked him to STOP contacting me, leaving gifts or sending me old photographs in the post.
Each time I ask him he once again devalues me, accuses me of not acting like a grown up – a favourite phrase of his, whilst he is himself throwing a tantrum because I don’t want to hear about his wonderful life or his ailments.
Hoping I’ve been forgotten & that he marry soon to stop this abuse of more women. I am one in a long list who have suffered & continue to suffer.
When do they give up ? How does he imagine switching women in and out of his life can possibly work it’s embarrassing to his family his children are presented with a long line of different step mothers.
After reading this article and several comments, I am seeing more and more that I am making the right choice, alibet very difficult to do (and that is partly due to the fact that us empathetic people, care so much about others that we have a hard time letting to sicne we really do feel for them even though they do not care about us)
I am glad I found this though, as I was reading a lot about narcissism and in my case I believe I had a covert narcissistic sociopath.
But it was unclear weather or not they apologize. But my situation is slightly different.
My narc was a female, one who was unbelievably sexy and attractive, and seemed honest, would tell it like it type so I got the impression that while she was chariming, she was also strong, but my mistake is that is not what it was at all. I saw signs early on. And quite farknly I will admit, if it had not been for the fact that I have never had a girl in my life and her being a 9 or 9.5, sexy as can be and the most charming personality, with what I realize now is a façade the way she acted , even way early on, if she were a guy or a 8 or below in looks or if I already had women in my life, I can assure you, I would have never spoken to her again, so I let that allow her to keep me in , and then she seemed fine.
Oh the other diffence is she had a boyfriend, but did she? It was on and off. And gthe odd thing is I think he is a narc based on what I can tell about her adoration for him and his playing with her emotions and of course rich too, but she is definitely like this too. In fact I think the attraction she has to him and keeps going back is because he can do to her what she can do to everyone else, and they also kind of do it to each other. But tey break up so manytimes there were times she broke up and liked me more.
Anyway, she didn’t even tell me about the fact she had a bf until 2-3 months after I met her when he dumped her anyway then came crawling back to her after she swore she never wuld, I tried to warn her. See I think that was part of her supply really. Needed the validation.
Well she did love bomb me, complimenting about everything, and made dinners for me, and even gave me some good advice sometimes. And often would DO things that made me think she cared, she would text me so often, she would even seem like she cared to see how my trip was going when I was on vacation, and called me when she went on one and kept letting me know she was safe etc..
But she did often do stuff and say sorry. In fact she says the word I’m sorry a lot just for little things and say oh I just do that a lot because I worry about that.
Now I am beginning to think that maybe it is some sort of overcompensation.
But one time she apologized for acting and treating me like crap over NOTHING, she apologized and said she will be a better person but also made excuses like “well I was so so so stressed if only I waited 10 more minutes I would have not reacted that way” she uses this excuse a lot
But she would often tell me or text me “I love you so so much!!” I love you, you are welcome here any time. But she would also sometimes apologize and make an excuse that I know is a lie.
For example one time I went way out of my way for her and another friend of hers she is clearly using too, another man who seemed to also think he was supposed to be the one, sounded like it from his tone, he said “everything is always your fault with her” I found this to be true. Should have listened to him.
but she left us both one time, we both tried calling her, one time I did and it was only 45-55 min later, her phone picked up and I could hear the voice, as if they didn’t know their phone was on , it was like for almost 10 minutes. A couple days later she says “oh, I am sorry about that, I was mad at him, I should not have left you out of it, but you know, my phone was dead and I had to recharge it, which is why I didn’t cal you til 6 hours later”
uh, no your phone worked fine, liar.
But needless to say, I went through this over and over.
Finally a few weeks ago, she went off on me using fowl language and this time instead of acting like I didn’t care, I told her I don’t care because It old her she was using me, which she really was.
She would always make demands of me, and keep swithing it around and expecting me to be there and even when I wasn’t she was like “oh that’s ok, you don’t have to” but I know from her tone she was disappointed, but yet almost every time I wanted to do something either she made excuses for it or sshe would do it but it was like pulling teeth.
She was always telling me I am way better then her boyfriend, I treat her better, but she would talk how he does so much for her then say how crappy he is and she would tell me she wants to be with me, if only. So I finaly expressed it to her after a month after he totally dumped her and she was, oh wait going on dates with guys, but having me in her bed, but she never had sex with me, would seduce me into her bed, even have me sleep over in her bed some times, and do all kinds of things but would just talk about him the whole time, which confused the hell out of me, which Is why I didn’t do anything, and because I am so respectful of a persons relationship that I didn’t want to help her cheat, but she made me think she never cheated, however, I think she did, I also think her bf did/does.
Her stories both about sexual partners and lots of other things have changed. She has told me things and then when I tell her later she acts like she has no clue what I am talking about.
And every time she got mad, she never apologized, made me sound like I was always the one.
So this lat time, I told he she used me and blocked her. She said I as using her so I sent her a note telling her quite a few things she did that showed she has no responsibility and needs to, and called her out, BIG mistake. She went into a narcissistic rage for a few days and degraded, belittled, threatned me and messed with me , and threatened to do smear campagins. I didn’t even care, I finally blocked her.
Buy she would ofte say “I miss you” I love you” we should date. All this stuff.
Now she also had loaned a lof of her friends money, and then complains about how they don’t appreciate her. So I dno’t know if she really did or not, of even if she did it was to make them believe her façade.
Anyway, I have been blocking her / full no contact for 2-3 weeks (even after her rage and I knew I was done and blocked), she did try me from another number and acted all sweet begging me to call her, or sounded like was.
So I blocked that too.
So I am really trying to study this to a tee.
The last 3 significant long term relationships I had with 2 overts and 1 covert.
The covert was the one who really shocked me but thankfully I had a great counselor who trained me so after my discard I quickly saw the pattern
After a 7 year long distance relationship , waiting for his divorce, his father to pass away- finally our time.
I get a phone call. Blaming me ” I can’t give you the life you want”. That was it. Oh and he’s moving to another state
Got angry when I started to cry and fall apart and would never speak to me again.
He went from the guy who criticized my ex for being such a narcissist and yet he secretly was!!!!!
It blew me away
After 4 months of embarrassingly trying to talk to him I went NC
It’s been 2 months. I blocked him and his friends from seeing my Facebook and my email,etc
A year ago we had a huge argument about him constantly feeling sorry for himself Bc he had to pay alimony. ( he had a very bad affair and the exposing of it sent him into a nervous breakdown). His wife ended up nursing him back !
These narcissist talk of ” demons” they have to deal with. I believe it is them anticipating that they are getting ready to dump you or do something they shouldn’t. He said he had demons to deal with and would go into a cave for days. Not really talking or calling me
They like independent people who don’t breath down their backs. It gives them the freedom to do other things or ignore having to meet your needs
My covert pretended to be the nicest guy. All my neighbors and friends loved him.
No one could believe he did this to me. He was totally into me, love bombed, bragged to everyone about all the nice things he would do for me
But I used to get irritated Bc he always wanted to be around people, even if they weren’t great friends or company , Bc he needed that affirmation.
He always said nice guys finish last. Bs
Would gas light to my daughter too saying he wanted to live in a neighborhood that was nice- the one where all her friends lived and then deny ever saying it
Promised ski vacations with my daughter. Said he would get married if I wanted All these things but once there were no more legitimate reasons holding him back from moving closer or in with me- the ugly side came out
Suddenly where I lived wasn’t good enough, acted cruel saying it like I was not good enough,- meanwhile he stayed here every other weekend and said how nice it was ?
I told him if he moved away it was over. After 7 years it was a reasonable decision
He got mad and sulked. No discussion. Just a decision he made and didn’t even say he was sorry
The kind of friendship and length of time together and all his promises would merit a mature discussion and sadness of things being over
He acted like a child. Refused to give me closure.
But when you replay your relationship ( like after the game replays) you see the flags. Honestly, they are so good at disguising them everyone could miss them
It’s not until you review and piece it all together that it all can make sense
Find a good therapist. Instead of worrying about them ( hard to do) educate yourself every night in the Internet. Read others posts.
I have learned so much and am grateful that others understand. Many of my friends grew tired of my dissonance. Trying to make sense. But if you are a victim of this it is normal. It takes time
This is the first time I have read someone else talking about their narc talking about his ‘demons’. To me his demons where always an excuse to disappear or go on a bender for a few days. The phone would be on the charger (sigh).
It’s been a month now and he hasn’t changed. I’ve been no contact except for the times he shows up at my house unexpected. Of course it’s always with promises of change which never ever happens. I’m sure I’m going to find out stuff about the guy that I had a relationship with for 2 1\2 years that I’m not going to want to hear. I know there’s been drugs, alcohol and in my heart I really hope no cheating.
I’ve noticed the last couple of convos that I’m finally clear to his games. He sweet talks me (usually wanting a glass of wine and sleeping together) and when that doesn’t happen he swings and starts telling me to f off and what a piece of garbage I am… Of course he thinks this would all be solved if he just married me(!!!!!) It’s almost become comical at this point..
Yes.this article sums it up clean!
My ex N was the I miss you, I love you King also. One( of the many times he cheated on me or Orchestrated a break up) I was in Hawaii…he started a “relationship” w some 25 year old nurse and posted pics on FB I called him and told him he made me sick. He said “Puke then!” and hung up on me and instantly defriended me. I did not contact him again after that day….two months later I started getting quick little text messages “why couldn’t we have just been happy w what we had…eachother” and then he came by my house when I was gone for the weekend and took a video of him letting my dogs out (he had a key to myplace still and my mom was coming by and taking care of my dogs) in the video he said “I miss you” and barely could look into the camera when he said it and ended with “Just came by to say Hi” I never responded and I had my locks changed. I found out his girlfriend had left him for her ex bf which is why he started contacting me again. This went on for the next 12 months off and on inbetween his one to three months long “relationships” I never responded until one day he came by and crawled thru my bathroom window when I was in the shower. Crocodile tears like u never saw..I’m sorrys..I love yous…I can’t live without you….I realize I was wrong….it know it wasn’t all your fault…etc etc etc. Reeled me back in and dumped me two weeks later with “I don’t think u should worry about what I’m doing or who I’m seeing, as long as we aren’t engaged we are free to see whoever we want” he reeled me back in one more time for a yearvand a half and of course the cycle began again….I finally eneded this bs for the last time 6 months ago. He has a new gf of course and I am single…Healing yet again. These dirt bags are not worthy of Love. I’m thankful for these blogs and information and testimonials from all who have gone thru this and TRULY UNDERSTAND the brevity of the situation and how incredibly difficult to get over and crushing to the soul these people are.
I have woken up to he fact that my husband of 23 years fits all the tick boxes for npd. I have become so tired of it that I have told him it’s over. He is now going for counselling for it and wants an answer as to if we are ever going to ‘work’ again. To top it all an ex contacted me and I have realised within a couple of weeks that he is also npd. Am I doomed to attracting these kinds of people? I am an empath and feel Terrible for telling them to go as I feel I am in the wrong and should help them. I do know I can’t for my own sake. But my husband is almost insisting that I give him an answer. I keep saying I am not psychic and can’t tell the future but every couple of days he does this. He has given me and the kids a hell of a time over the last 23 years and is looking for me to forgive. I am finding it really hard as he still lives with me as we cannot afford to split immediately. But then I ask myself why should I forgive? Does that not give him carte Blanche to do it again? The answer keeps coming back no I shouldn’t and yes it does. But I have an illness and cannot afford to go it alone as I cannot work because of it. He did stay with me during a really bad time but I feel it was only because if he didn’t it would look bad to others. So I am caught in a situation and desperately trying to find a way out. Not easy and have lost faith that love ever really will exist for me. Although I always have hope. I have taken great comfort from the stories here and such a good blog about what the narcissist does to you. Every word rang true for me. I am so glad I came across it. Thank you.
After avery long period of breakups and hooks, i finally ended the relationship a week ago. Although he hurt me ver much, now he becomes victim because i left him. I feel very hurt and suffer from many emotions such as love, hate, regret, disappointment, anger, even worse i miss him still. How is it a trap! I am trying to get rid of my codependency. I am full reading articles about narcisstic abusem but i am still missing him. How long does it take? Please help me…
I wish I saw this a few years back, I went through this with a lady who exhibited this behavior, I know that there are many male narcissistic personalities, but there are females too. It sucks, it hurts, and it is futile to attempt any sort of dialogue with them to get them to see the harm. If they do try to fix it genuinely, I believe it won’t be with the person/or people they’ve burned. We unfortunately have to hobble through our own repair job, with friends and family who are supporting and therapists when we can afford it.
Wow LIN, yOu nailed it!!!!! Everything you said word for word is exactly what has happened to me and I want the pain To go away!!!!!!
I miss you
I’m thinking of something more permanent
I think she had a lot to do with what went wrong
I’m know I’m a mess – ref new partner
I was a little disappointed by our conversation
It’s a,right though (I’m overlooking what you said I’d thevtruth.
I was going to ask you fir a drink to talk about things.
You must know I trust you
I love you
Well I am seeing someone but…..
I hoped you fight for us ….
Now I see your playing the game like everyone else is …..
My girlfriend is lovely ( a mess previously)
I did put you on Facebook
I can’t associate with you openly it’s dangerous
Yes you are worth more and I don’t want this fir you ….ill think about being FB friends …
Etc etc. Think he has given up now ….
Like a few of you speaking here. I’ve also had multiple relationship with narcs/sociopath. Im sure it has stemmed from childhood my mum was one. And the aunt I lived with after my mother placed us in to care was abusive in every way.
The last 13 years I’ve had three experience and had two children to to of them. I was lucky to miscarriage the child to the other.
Whirlwind romance. Love bombing. And a lot of abuse. Both fathers always say I’m crazy. In fact standard response if I try and call him out on this.
Currently being stonewalled by both fathers.
I get calls from his mum telling me that I have to do this or that. He lies to his mum a lot.
Sorry if I’m sounding confused.
I’m on here cause like a few of you I feel codependent. Addicted. I’m a fool cause I love narc three. Or the idea of it. The ideal of being loved. Thank god for my boys. I miss them so much.
I always have to leave. Reckon the pain of staying will be worse.
Narcs always take your money. Or never pay child surport. They want you poor. Without friends. They will isolated you. Slate your friends. And the lies. That keep coming back.
In the few short weeks I’ve left getting my life back. But the pain and anger is extreme.
Always wake after s couple of hours cause so much on my mind.
I always seem to attract Narcissists, I think because I am an empath, trusting and caring by nature. I have learnt many things along the way, learnt the hard way, it has cost me both financially and emotionally. You see I always try to see the good in people, but my experience tells me that there is nothing good about a Narcissist and no good will ever come of a relationship with one, ever!
If you know the traits and you see the red flags, you have an advantage, but beware once they are aware of this, you become even more of a challenge, so do not under any circumstance fall for the same tricks over and over again. I did, it cost me my self confidence and self esteem more than once, at times I doubted my own sanity. I mean, how could I possibly have be so foolish, yet again? It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to learn as long as you eventually do.
You must learn to trust your gut instinct with regard to these people, to get away fast from them and stay away. Acknowledge that they will never love you or change, that they will never enhance your life, they can’t. They are too selfish, too self centered to be able to. Deep down you know this, no excuse you make for them will change it.
They will never stop trying to convince you that you are the problem not them! They will try to build you up and then take great pleasure in watching you fall. Most are charming and intelligent, a wolf in sheep’s clothing so to speak. They are convincing, speaking words of love, of endearment, in fact they will say anything they think you want to hear and then wait for you to fall for it, it is a game they like to play, it feeds their ego and makes them feel in some way superior to you. Once gained your adoration is like a drug to them, it means nothing to them, it’s just a hook they will use to keep you on board. They certainly will never feel the same way.
They should never be underestimated, they have a way of gaining information from you, to be used either to get what they want from you at a later date or as an excuse to get rid of you for a while, they are cunning and conniving. I have lost count how many times I have been told I need to change, that I am self destructive, that I always spoil the relationship because of insecurities from past relationships. I’m not insecure and nor am I the reason for the problems, I have a low tolerance for lies and deceit, which is why it never ends well, because they like to lie and deceive,they can’t help themselves. They find lying as easy as breathing.
It is almost like they are envious of loving and caring people, that they wish they had it in them to be so, but it is beyond them, they can pretend to be, almost convince you of it, but their actions always reveal their true intention which is always self gain. Whether it be emotional, financial, materialistic or sexual, they will stop at nothing to get what they ultimately want, and they will walk all over you to get it, once gained you become worthless to them, often unaware of their real intention until it is too late, worthless to them for now, and more than likely discarded or ignored until they decide they need you for something else. Until then you will thrown back into the toy box, but rarely for long. The last thing they want is for you to move on! If they have fooled you once, in their mind you are fair game and the chances are you will fall for it again, most do and so the game continues for them. They have no conscience about how their actions make you feel, they will blame you if you call them out on their behaviour, they will twist and turn your words and good deeds around to make it look like you are the perpetrator and they the victim. That you are sick in the head for thinking such things, that the reason your past relationships failed is because you have emotional problems, oh yes they love to throw any failings you may have confided in them about yourself right back in your face. They will say they never want to see you again, that you are damaged in your way of thinking, that you will never hear from them again,and that it is unlikely you will ever be happy, but believe me you will hear from them again, and the only truth in what they say is that you will never be happy,at least not all the time you listen to them you won’t, not all the time you allow them a space in your life! Only YOU can stop the game, only you can protect yourself and the only way to do this is to walk away and totally ignore them, forever. Don’t answer the “I miss you” text, don’t answer their calls or reply to their emails, do no interact with them or let them into your life even under the guise of friendship, they will never be your friend, don’t be fooled by their hard luck stories,don’t believe they have no one else who they can trust or anyone else to help them, its rubbish. Stop caring or worrying about them or what they are doing, believe me you are probably one of many in their life, no matter what they tell you, you are not the only victim of this beast.
If they contact you again it’s because you are the toy they have chosen that day! Delete them from your life and stop playing the game, never look back! It will be hard if you love them,I know but they are emotional vampires and time will tell you that you lost nothing by getting them out of your life, if anything you had a lucky escape and you will eventually thank yourself for having been strong enough to say no more! Move on and give someone the chance to love you that knows the true meaning of loving and caring for someone else, A Narcissist never will. Sincerely.
To Finally saw the Light and to the others suffering from being with a Narc. I too was married to a Narc for 8 years. My divorce finalized this past December. I have a very good job and was the bread winner throughout the entire marriage–I had my own house, two cars and two children from a previous marriage. My ex Narc was not even a US citizen but his marriage to me made him a permanent resident. I feel that was the whole reason why he became involved with me to help him fix his papers and to keep milking me for money. He would guilt trip me by saying that I made more money than him and I’d help pay his bills and everything else to run the household. I loaned him money to buy his cars and all along he had a list of women he was fooling around with. We separated once for about 6 months and he came crawling back after he lost his job because he was partying too much. I like a fool took him back and even helped him wrote an appeal letter to receive unemployment benefits. While on unemployment, he traveled back to his native country to visit his family, and he had done this almost every year we were married. I thought it was ridiculous for him to travel, an unnecessary expense when he was unemployed. He didn’t think so. He went back to his family, sticking out his chest, acting like everything was good, and it was, thanks to me financing his expenses. We got into a big argument before he left and I hardly heard from him the 3 weeks he was gone. There were suspicious posts by his hometown friends while he was there. I later discovered he was having an affair with a friend’s cousin. I think that was one reason he kept going down there. He had many women friends back home that thought he was successful in the states–typical narc. Me like an idiot forgave him but told him that if I ever suspected him of having an affair again it would be over. A year later went by and I was helping him with expenses to go back to school. The I discovered when I was working the night of New Year’s Eve he had went out celebrating, with who I don’t know. He had just started a job at a restaurant and I assumed he was having a fling with a co-worker. I went to his work one night because I had a gut feeling he was not working and I had access to his schedule–he was not scheduled to work that night but he said he was working. I tried calling him and he never answered which was typical. He never responded to my texts even when I sent him a picture from the bar telling him I was sitting inside his restaurant for over an hour and no sign of him. That night was the end of it! When we got home I unleashed everything I needed to say to him. I told him he was a loser and a poor excuse for a man. He always had these ideas for his own business but didn’t want to put in the hard work to make things happen. He rarely helped with housework but always made a mess. It was like having a third child who was a grown man. Over the years I was physically abused, verbally abused, manipulated and used. At the beginning I was love bombed by him and thought He was my soulmate. He was there for me when I went through my horrid 1st divorce. I have not heard from my ex narc since last June when he signed divorce docs. Then out of the blue his mom called me a few weeks ago to see how I was doing. Hadn’t spoken to her over a year and didn’t know if she knew about the divorce finalizing. She said she did know because her son told her about it. She proceeded to tell me that he missed me. I told her that I didn’t think so since he had been seeing another girl for almost a whole year–posting pics on social media. I think he may have put her up to contacting me because it was just so weird. I’ve been getting a lot of hang up phone calls on my home phone. The thing is he may say he misses me but this past weekend was his birthday. A mutual friend posted a pic of him, his new girl and another couple celebrating his birthday at a nice restaurant and they all had this smirky grin on their faces. Even though my divorce is final and my life was one living hell with him–I still felt like I was kicked in the gut when I saw that pic. So to all those trying to break free from a narc,
Stay strong! Read up on the topic as much as possible! It will give you the strength to get out of that sick relationship. I had separated from
my narc 2 years ago and it really wasn’t til a few months ago that I really started feeling like my normal self and not the ‘crazy insecure’ woman he had made me out to be.
Now I know I’m ranting but it’s funny…I actually thought after he discarded me that it was as hard for him as it was for me, that he was suffering too and that’s why I was replaced immediately with other girls, because he couldn’t stand being alone and all he was chasing was a perfect image of me. I was that delusional. I always found a way to justify the harm, deception, lies and confusion. The most liberating thing has been to realise it wasn’t actually personal…my disease made me a good fit for his disease. It wasn’t personal. In a way we never even touched. You can’t blame a narc because not only do you have to look to yourself (why am I a good fit for this..what do I need to do to be someone who would not let this happen ever again) but expecting a narc to behave differently is like expecting a lion to come across a lamb in a field and keep waking. They do what they do because they can’t help it, they don’t know why they should help it, they don’t have the same attachment the things like people and feelings. and that sounds judgmental I guess, they’re real people, they aren’t actually monsters. But what they create is monstrous. I read somewhere a doctor said “you can give a narc the most beautiful you in the world and they’ll still break it”. It’s exactly that. In my heart I knew he didn’t love me, he didn’t even like me. Just one disease rubbing up on another. Years of my life and a broken marriage later…I’m so much wiser. And the great gift has been I’ve stopped running, from myself. I’ve stopped hurting myself and I’ve started actually caring. So I thank him for that. Nothing less would have done it.
And the way he would mimic me when he was love bombing me after leaving me again…he would learn what I liked, the words I used, the music I liked, he food I ate, my values, and he would use them to convince me we were lovers in every sense…three months later he would just evaporate. Id hardly hear from him and I’d be so bereft and sad and I’d ask and ask…his exs and friends would warn me but I wouldn’t hear of it. I believed I was “the one”..problem was so did half a dozen others, also discarded, if not once then many times over, some of whom never really recovered. And he was just this short fairly boring person. I didn’t actually like him. Especially after the love bombing part…my psych explained that this kind of attachment is like a poker machine and very addictive. intermittent rewards. I wish I’d listened. When he wouldn’t even visit me when I was miscarrying, let alone take me to a doctor, I wish I’d listened. He went out to lunch with an ex instead. It took so much for me to see.
My ex is a narc, I’m diagnosed BPD. Left 8 months ago, after years of abuse both ways, my constant pleading and breakdowns, his text book hot/cold, gas lighting, stonewalling, secret girls, lies that would take your breath away, and he would leave me without a second thought if he wanted after promises of marriage etc etc…caused me such intense pain I’d cut myself up, drink, take pills, anything to check out. For years I thought we were just passionate. I didn’t know I was sick and breaking, I didn’t know what a narc was so I believed him when he said I made him do the things he did. I mean, it was full scale dreadful, especially the last few months..My ex husband finally said “he’s a narc, please please read up on it” hit me like a bolt of lightening… I got out, got psychiatric care after 35 stitches, lived on my mums floor for six months. Now I’m happy almost all the time, I understand my BPD much better better and am learning to be self reliant and loving, I have my own place and I just got a job. Nothing grows in Narc soil, get the hell out and start again. Never look back. Sounds dramatic, but if you’ve been with one, you know it’s not something you can mistake…sometimes I think I miss him, or miss being love bombed, then I remember that I don’t have that brutal pain in my chest anymore, that I’m not afraid of my phone, that I almost never think about him unless I’m too tired or avoiding something I should be doing. Trust me, whoever you are, get away from them. They are just as happy to see you dead in the ground but still their property as alive in their beds. They honestly don’t mind which it is. They will love telling their next partner how their ex killed themselves.
I spent 8 years of my life with one. It was the craziest stuff on this earth. The chaos the purposefully cause in your life is baffling. The sorry’s, the I miss you’d are endless and part of the abuse. Mine used to say “I can’t believe you think I’m abusive” he would never admit his crazy making behavior or the things he said to me were abusive. He treated me terrible and because I loved him I let him walk all over me. He only has left me alone when he hooked up full time with the gal he was working on where he had moved. He all of a sudden started flashing her all over social media 3 mos after he finally left me alone after I went no contact and moved to be rid of him. I feel very sorry for her. By now she is living the hell with him that I put up with for years. I’m not healed and don’t know if I ever will be but I am free of him at last.
I have heard an endless stream of I love you, I miss you and I’m sorry ever since my husband referred to me while screaming at his 17 year old daughter as “that fucking princess”. He then flew into his last rage in this house which the police documented by taking pictures. I asked him to leave. If I did not have a very good therapist legally backing me up and supporting me I don’t think he would have left. This is after 20 years of abuse and the same empty words over and over. Always watch their actions. Do not believe their words. And don’t stay for 20 years.
Agree w/ this article more than likely
they are NARCS guy/girl…
regardless they’re not treating you right, period….
its a game, don’t play… they win, we lose, period…
if someone wants to be w/you, they will, if Not its an excuse, shadiness, making you an OPTION, period…
actions ALWAYS speak louder than words, period…
either you’re in or you’re out, not on backburner, period…
relationships are a BLOCK of time WE co-create with another person, however long it lasts…. we choose love, to be w/someone, sometimes its not true love that was meant to be, period…
pain? hurt? betrayal? yes….
become a new you, new chapter in your life, work in you!!!
speaking FRM experience 7yrs w/ex bf male NARC…. I’m working on me…
I embrace now, this experience as it was my biggest lesson….
I still believe in love, loyalty, committment, I view relationships differently….
actions speak louder than words…
if someone wants to be with you? they’ll make it happen, period..
focus on you… get you BK!!!
YOULL have good days&baaad ones for sure…. I still do….
strength, courage…. you can do this!!!
don’t settle for crumbs, we deserve the biggest, most delicious cookie in life!!!!
I still feel like yes I married a narcassist but he was a good husband and worked and there were issues like he never did any housework and I spent our fours together just paying off debts and credit cards and made sure he paid the mortgage as soon as he was earning enough. But I just put a few Xmas decorations up today and all I can think is why did I leave him? It was mostly good but then he would lash out and what started off as criricising me for things which were totally out of order like saying I was rubbish at my job! Why? How would he know that? The verbal abuse became pushing and shoving and tickling me so hard it hurt until he eventually just lost it and totally beat me up. But I still miss him when things were good. I know I just miss having a husband but I have been alone so long as just so busy making a living and avoiding people as the divorce totally devastated me. Maybe I am a narcassist too and not just him but I kept thinking maybe he was having a break down and I felt like I was going crazy! I feel so sad I cannot find anyone who will love me the way I want to love them. For life and to travel through this life together.
I have just left my husband after 8 years. I should have seen the signs very early on. Maybe I did but chose to ignore them. He moved into my house after about 2 weeks, he bought nothing with him, not even a towel. I paid the mortgage and all of the bills.
He frequently criticised my family, but especially my own daughter from a previous marriage. He really knew my weak points, usually criticism of both my children. He moved 2 of his own children into. My house and didn’t even contribute to the extension of the house to accommodate them.
I feel so embarrassed and a fool to have not seen all this. I work full time as a nurse, and he didn’t lift a finger in housework at all. In the end I had to hire a cleaner to try and keep on top of it all.
I have now left and Iam dreading going through a divorce with him. He already is sending me E mails and texts, telling me to meet him or I will hear no more from him.
Iam going through the ‘miss him’ stage. God knows why, he made my life and that of my children’s life hell.
But I know what he is capable of and the charm and lies he can spin to his soliciter and mediator.
I really need to keep focuses on the terrible insults and put downs he constantly gave me, and the fact everything revolved around him and what he wanted, and I just gave in for an ‘easy life’
I now find myself wondering and searching for answers to ‘was he really that bad?’ And ‘ am I over reacting?’
I need to be sure he is a NPD? I worry that I have given up on my marriage too soon and should I give him another chance?
I ran away without saying anything to him.
We truly are blessed to be aware of narcissists coz they really do exist. Feel sorry for people living with the pain and have no idea whats going on. Stay strong xx
I met him at work and still I work there with him. I was devastating when he ignored me. I confront him its either he busy or in work mode or stop taking it personally. I am coping I am silent I am moving on slowly
These guys are malintellogent but easy enough to beat at their own game . All you do us reply with ” oops! I think this must have been sent to me by accident”.
Ive read so many stories i thought id have a say, weve all been through this we know what how terrible they are my one has left and come back 6 times in the one out of two years weve been together its been 3 days since he left and when he did something just clicked i wasted 2 years of my life and thought of all the things i could of done instead of living like a hermit either crying in pain or waiting for him to come back to do it all again ive gone out worked gave myself love done all the things i should have done instead of obsess over this abusive person i havent cried since the day it happened the first discard took me a month to stop crying and another one to feel kind of okay untill he came back but think of everything your missing by being with someone like this most of all your self esteem im finally getting it back and its more important than hearing love bombing bullshit think of the friendships hobbies achievements even relationships you missed out from this toxic cycle because if u didnt have potential they wouldnt have chose you think of the future youd have giving you and your children the silent treatment for not being perfect walking out when you make the smallest mistake drqgging your self worth down till you dont even argue back and allowing you and your children to be treated like objects for their use how can u build a life with someone like that how can u grow or experience anything great or even begin to love yourself when yove that going on it also affects your friends n family and whatever future children you have will be used and abused like you have been but they wont be able to cry on their father shoulder like you did cos hes the one doing it and yes i know you love and miss them probably are nearly addicted to the trauma but if you quit ciggerattes your gonna have withdrawl symptoms but giving them up will make you healthier and when you wont be dependant on somethingthat kills you. Same thing with your narcissit. Know your worth put effort into being positive and loving yourself x
Wow, I’ve read LOTS of post about Narrcisim. I’m in a divorce with one, I never realized how I was being fooled. It started out great, she was everything I was looking for.
Then when she moved in, BAM, never happy unless spending money, nothing was ever clean enough, physical to me and her kids. Always complaining about her family, but couldn’t stay away. I became a hermit in my guilt that I was the reason she was unhappy.
Then one day she told me how stupid I was laughed at me and I had enough. I moved out and for 6 weeks no contact. She finally came around and raised a red flag about the cell phone. I checked it out and O MY.
SHE WAS TEXTING AND CALLING ANOTHER MAN 3 WEEK’S BEFORE I LEFT AND DURING THE WHOLE TIME. 900 TEXT, 700 CALL AVERAGE 1 HOUR EACH.
Naturally I was pissed, so I ask her and she told me it was none of my business, really?
So I went to file for divorce, my attorney called me saying she was balling and didn’t want to. Big mistake, we went to a Theropist and I ended up the issue.
We’ll 4 years later a abuse. downing, me, blaming me she did it again, all my fault. So we are days from the D final. She still tells me she love me wants to be intimate and I’m her best friend. I finally am sticking with no contact. It’s embarrassing and I feel like a dip.
Wow…it makes me so angry – at MYSELF! I saw all the signs but ignored them or somehow justified them in my own head. The vanity, the self centeredness, the lack of consideration (empathy) for others. Being one person with me and another person with others (that he wanted to impress). I just let it happen and never called him on any of it or made him accountable for his awful behaviour. He even told me I was ‘not as good as he was’ because I had not been baptised. I hunted through old paperwork and actually found a baptism certificate to show him…why did I even do that???? He never said a word but just found another ‘something’ to put me back in my place (of being a lesser human being than him). After 8 years I just packed my bags and left without any discussion…I felt like a failure and a coward because I am not a quitter but felt I was living a lonely life, screaming inside and smiling on the outside. Trying to discuss the emptiness with him was even more frustrating because it would always come back to the problem being ME, if he was abusive it way MY fault etc…you know the story. Anyway, I literally ‘did a runner’ and broke all contact shifting interstate and resisting any urge to find out if I ever even mattered. I already know the answer after reading many blogs and articles like this one. I only mattered as long as I remained his unquestioning NS, once the dynamic changed and I started standing up for myself I was just excess baggage. I still miss him but now realise I only miss ‘my idea of who I thought he was, not who he actually is’. My biggest fear now is that I must have some sort of vulnerability to getting into a relationship with that type of personality (disorder) so I have lost confidence in many parts of my life in general including being able to truly see people at a deeper level. I need to wise up!
I am so grateful for the posts and this blog. I was recently banned from a forum (psychopathfree), because I admitted that I was codependent. They said that I was victim – blaming, and they kicked me off without further explanation. A punch in the gut while I was down. Felt just like being discarded or given the silent treatment from my narc. I am angry but committed to figuring out why it is that I have attracted at least four disordered (1 narc, 3 socios) men in my life as romantic partners. It is so important to have this kind of support and read that I am not alone. I respect each and every one of you who have survived no matter where you are in your process! Thank you again and again.
Spent 4.5 years in and out of the cycle of my assclown parasite. He ate at every part of my soul and I am left to recover who I was before him. A strong independent confident woman. HE would tell me he “loves” me every single day. .Even when he was with his other woman. I struggle to understand how I came to LOVE him the way I do. Never like I have ever been before. I will be 50! 🙁 it’s been three months since the last communication.. He was moving on with a new girl.. I notified her off what she was in for and that crossed his boundaries.. Needless to say he was angry with me and she thought I was crazy obsessed (not far from the fact). I struggle with the why he would..with no problems play this game with my heart and how I continued to let him. He was seeing other women the whole time..I’m sure they all felt like I did.. His “I miss you”s and other sweet crap meant new actually did. I need these blogs and to know I’m not physco like he has called me many times. I’m just truly saddened by his behavior and lack of empathy for my feelings. 🙁
There is an endless abundance of love inside of me. I’ve asked known it and felt it. For this I know I’m not destitute and I’ll survive my NPD (which even if I worded this to him in the most loving easy way possible, the word “disorder” would be like calling out his defensive ego….it would be a threat or me critically judging him)…ironic .
The message I hope everyone of yo gets from me right now is that this is a beautiful breath of fresh air! It’s so healing and enlightening. For it’s creator I hope you love yourself for this movement & the strength you’re giving back to do many of us loving, nurturing and compassionate people.
Narcissistic people mistake kindness for weakness. “If you want to be happy, practice compassion”- The Dali Llama A narcissist can’t understand the giving bathe of compassion, they are not able to relate even without mounds and years of therapy…if even then…so be grateful that not living w/NPD means you have a CHOICE that they will never allow themselves ….though as that reality sounds for someone you unfortunately care a great deal for…it’s just something we have to accept. They will never know love like we know love, they will.never be as happy as we can be and they won’t have the choices that we do… It’s truly a blessing to be on this side of NPD …. We can evolve and grow to a higher vibration….we can be living each day buzzing with love and compassion….for ourselves and the people in our lives that give us 100% are the ones that deserve ours… But it starts within, ….” I found god in myself and I loved her, I loved her fiercely!”
The problem is, is that we didn’t have access to the knowledge of what NPD is, as the we didn’t have the internet a few short years ago. Even with the internet, we have to know what key word to use to search for. I am with the rest of the women here. I have been with one NPD after another and thought it was me. My self esteem is growing by leaps and bounds since I know it isn’t me (except I need to work on my co-dependence and FOO issues). But now I know I am as worthy as any other person to receive true love and decent treatment. Yes, I got all the I miss you’s and I will always care for you’s. It was only to keep me in his harem and as an option. Have been NC 10 days (have gone 30 days previously). Still struggling, but am recovering more day by day. It was a 2.5 year on and off “relationship.” And I think he knows what he is and researches how to succeed even better in this area. His lies were over the top, but I secretly never believed him. That’s what they depend on – for us to look the other way and say nothing. I’m done with that. Oh, also my N would easily say he’s sorry, then never change his behavior. Savannah
This article gave me strength today. I’m just starting no contact and received the email. No I love you’s or I’m sorry just the typical projection of “its all your fault, you destroyed this, crazy as it is I was shocked because nothing mentioned was about the my breaking point. Like another post Savannah touched on my breaking point ” How could you do this to me on my birthday” is the feeling I was nursing two weeks ago which became the day I took back my self respect and power. Believe me its been two years of giving co dependent behavior on my part with ‘NOTHING’ in return. Physical and verbal abuse, manipulation, etc. and yet I go no contact for two weeks finally getting strength to detach..and its my fault again…this confirms it will never be about me ever…He feels offended for my taking back my self respect and that’s all that matters.. Thank you Savannah knowledge is definitely the first step in reclaiming your happiness, joy and respect. Thank you
Thank you for making me feel less nuts. I have spent the better part of 18 months trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me? Where is the person I was when I need her the most? I can’t seem to find myself. She got mind *#$*ed and has yet to come back around.
I was always the logical strong female who never let emotions rule her decisions. 5 years into a relationship with a narcissist, I can’t seem to find my footing.
I knew the mask was falling off…I was seeing things. I knew it was looming. I think maybe I knew from the beginning. Still, I was like a lamb to the slaughter.
I started trying to get out 2 yrs ago. Finally 2 months ago, I cut all ties. I am better. Still shaky but I see the cycle now. I won’t play anymore. The game is not fun and I can’t win. It was like heroine.
Battered, bruised, humbled and determined, I am thankful for all your articles. It has helped me sort the information in my head. There seems to be a lot that doesn’t fit into any tidy compartment.
Ok…straight poop. Let’s touch on the common question. How many of you received the text, “Good Morning Love”. If you have rum fast and far. This was a common one. When I was with my Narc is was every single day. I probably was not the only one receiving that text. In any event he got kicked to the curb and I went DEADNOCONTACT. I was the one that did the discarding like yesterday’s trash. Never ever again…
This is a great article and really hits home with me. My narc is currently trying to reconnect and it’s hard for me to say no but there is no doubt it would bring me pain. After six months of silent treatment she now says she just had some things to work through and will share with me when we talk. Reading this helps me stay strong and resist the urge to call her. While I far from being recovered I know I deserve better. Thanks for helping those of us that can learn from your experience.
I don’t know where I would be without Blogs like this. I divorce my Narcisstic about a year ago and I am still healing. Funny thing is, that he found another within months, bought a house in cash, renovated it to the tune of $75,000 and with brand new Korvette and another car for his daily us…not cheap either he is on his way with presenting his image, just like he did with me 17 years ago. She is completely blind to all that he is, and after 8 months, I am wondering when the light bulb is going to go off. Of course it kills me to see the Honeymoon phase at the present time. I hurt, but also realize what is going to come. My ex is 70 years old and still thinks of himself 25 years younger. With a facelift under his belt, and a toupee on his bald head, the image is complete. I am actually laughing right now, and I thank his forum for the chuckle.
I get so infuriated (at myself) every time I read these postings. I am a Narcissist addict. How about this one? “I loved you before I even met you.” Really, are you psychic?
And, yes another Narcissist hooked me with “I’ll be your best buddy.” What a nightmare! I can’t count the “I miss you’s” and “I’m sorry’s”. If you miss me so much why are you with me? Oh, that’s right you’re with one of your other harem girls! And if you weren’t being so dishonest all the time there would be no need to say I’m sorry. I’M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT I HAVE BLOCKED BOTH OF THEIR NUMBERS! Trying to stay strong because my sick mind/heart wants them back. Both of these men lived with me at different times and didn’t pay rent. INSANITY!
Yes, as my ex narcissist boyfriend was telling me he loved me 12x a day and missed me, blah blah, and getting upset over the fact that I would question what he was up to (because things didn’t add up), he was talking to me about the 100000 “girl” friends he had on the back burner (all “FRIENDS from WORK”). It turns out he had at least one woman in each country as he traveled quite extensively for work and would need the convenience of a “second wife” while traveling within the US, the UK, Canada, etc.
I love the thought of my husband but scared of the everyday true him. Ready to love and be love tired of games
I have gotten at least 25 of these:
I miss you
I am sorry
I would give anything to start over again
and every one ends with
I WON’T BE BOTHERING YOU AGAIN
All of these since we left the therapists office where he promised to LEAVE ME ALONE
Yes he is NPD – how do you know its not more dangerous – like stalker?
He just ended a 40 day relationship, his first with someone besides me and he told the therapist ‘ i was only with the other woman so Scarlett would see that i could be happy with someone and then maybe she would want me back’.
i don’t respond but i do let the texts come in b/c i might need an order of protection and this is proof for me.
i love Neale Donald Walsh he is a wise wise man and i love his books and quotes. Absolutely right Savannah actions always speak louder than words and thats all that we as women need to focus on. My ex narc did exactly that to me he would break up with me “dump” me in his words and then when things didnt work out with him and the girl he dumped me for he would come back and say i was the best girl blah blah and i would cave-agree to see him and i could literally feel the coldness distance and lack of love immediately -that man texting me those sweet NOTHINGS which is exactly what they were wasnt even there. And still he does it even now that he is married but only when he wants me which is on his timetable and agenda at his convenience all for his own selfish narcissistic supply. But i have had enough and i realized that sometimes the only thing that you can take away from someone is yourself. I need to take back my personal power and stop allowing this clown in my life because he does nothing but hurt me and make me feel unloved and unworthy and in those fleeting moments that i do feel good with him i know its going to be short lived and then hes going to be busy again and has to go -lots of things to do probably with his wife. Im so done. i cant even…omg hes caused he so much pain and heartache.
Another great blog i follow is mirror of aphrodite worth checking out as well-but im the moment this is my go to place for comfort, understanding, empowerment.
“It’s really easy to say I love you, it’s a lot harder to prove it. So if you’re confused about your guys true intentions, always follow their actions – how they treat you on a consistent basis is indicative of their true feelings and tells you everything you need to know.”
Just out of curiosity – my narc showed me nothing but affection until the day he left me for another woman. He also told me several times a day how much he loved me. Now his action of leaving was out of NOWHERE! I never knew he was a narc til now and I had no clue what was happening. Any insight on that?
LOL, “I will always love you” in my case became code word for I am leaving you cause I found a skank who will give me what I want. My soon to be ex husband used that line on me with his first affair. He used it again in 2008 and yet in Sept. with the same skank of 2008. My goodness things have been really difficult for our family, but I am now finally done with him. 25 years total and 23 years of marriage to a narcissist was torture but now I will be free at last. He left in Sept of 2013 and is now moving in with her. He is still supporting me for now but I have contacted a lawyer and am working on things. I will be free. The only time he was ever honest is during his first affair he said one day he wanted to leave us both because he did not know what love is.
Very good article . I thought my guy who I live with was Bi-polar because he runs so hot and cold but after reading the article I know he is a Narcissist. He is incapable of saying sorry, even when he knows he is wrong. Today he yelled at me called me dumb, stupid and retarded because I changed the television channel by entering the number of the channel instead of using the guide feature. He totally went off. I reached for my phone to record his rant but decided not to. The last time I did and played it back for him he got really angry and said he called me names and swore at me because my actions made him do it. He flys off the handle if I pick my phone up to check my emails and messages but has no problem talking to his chick on the side with me in the room. I am so overwhelmed right now. I love him but I realize he cannot respect the love I give him nor does he really want it. I am getting things together financially so I can just disappear. His ex-wife did the same thing and she does not have anything to do with him. Last year his daughter got married and he was told by his daughter to stay away from the ex-wife. I am waiting for the day I leave this horrible relationship. I am now in therapy and plan on joining a support group. I am glad that I no longer have the urge to get even with him all I want is my dignity and respect back and the only way I can do this is leave. Please pray for me I am tired of living a lie and pretending like he is the best thing ever in front of our family and friends when I know different.
I’m glad I have found these articles so I can understand what I went through. I never knew people like this existed…I just thought I was always doomed in relationships. Now I’ve learned that I have to live for me…not them. It’s so hard when you truly loved someone that you realize you were just their supply. I have a long way to go. Still deeply hurt and scarred. I’m thankful to each and every one of you out there for sharing. This is the best therapy I could ask for. You all Get It!!!
I now live by the rule that “sorry” is an action–you cant’s just say you are sorry–you have to show that you are sorry. If he can’t show his sorrow for what he has done, then he isn’t sorry–he is just trying to use that magical eraser to make things right.
Great article. My ex has BPD, left me for a guy which I’m sure has NPD. What a mess. He has already conditioned her in 2 months, dumped her 7 times and the last time he has pulled out all the stops…taking her to meet mommy, giving her keys to condo etc. My ex can’t see this guy for what he is and she has been told by numerous people.He is so slick. My ex is 28, he is 54. I’m so afraid for her…he’s going to mess her up bad and she is already messed up beyond belief.
Wish I had researched and discovered material such as this anytime during the past 23 years of my marriage! I have put an end to the turbulent relationship. I felt like a failure. I’m learning that walking away was the best thing for my sanity. Yes, life can begin at 55!!! Thank you for such an enlightening article!
Great articles Savannah!
Wish I had seen something like this 7 years ago!
Keep up the great work girl friend! <3
Great article! Women really need to recognize their own self worth and protect it. And Neale Donald Walsch’s quote is absolutely one of my fav’s!! I now live by it.