If you’re lucky, you will reach a moment, when you realize, that the life you’ve been living isn’t working. Where you will finally have the eyes to see your own unhappiness and your lack of fulfillment and it will matter a great deal to you.

If you’re very lucky, you will have had a long list of relationships and events, in your life, that have been complete and

I’ve always had a contentious relationship with my mother.  I grew up knowing that I wasn’t wanted. The theme of my childhood was – You’re not good enough. You’re flawed. There’s something wrong with you. You’re not valued. You’re not worthy of love…

My mother was raised by a Narcissistic father and a Codependent mother. She modeled the worst behaviors of both and took them out on her easiest target – me.  She was unreachable and not emotionally present as a parent, and I interpreted her distance as rejection. Her sharp, unrelenting, criticism destroyed my self-esteem and affected me in myriad ways.

“What other people think of you is none of your business.” – Wayne Dyer

“I don’t care what you think.” To a pleaser that statement seems like a pipe dream. Individuals who grew up with emotional manipulators for parents have been conditioned to doubt their reality and not to put too much weight in their own wants and needs. This experience, paired with their low self-esteem means that they lack confidence and are reliant on others for emotional validation.

When you are in a place of needing someone to the point of obsession you are on very dangerous ground. Not only have you surrendered your power, you have also traded your inner peace for chaos.

Being all-in in a relationship doesn’t mean surrendering your identity and allowing yourself to become lost in it. It means that you are committed to the relationship and your partner, while still maintaining your autonomy, interests, hobbies and other meaningful relationships.

One of the tell-tale signs of low self-esteem is how one reacts to rejection. Do you pick up and move on quickly? Do you beg and plead and try to change their mind? The way you behave depends upon where you lie within a spectrum of three different types, the Move-Oners, the Validation-Seekers, or the Revengers.

So much time, energy and emotion is spent trying to understand why emotional manipulators do what they do. The answer has never been a secret. It’s always been in plain sight, but perhaps due to its simplicity and our inability to relate, we shrug it off and continue the search for some way where we can blame ourselves.

“Just because something isn’t a lie does not mean that it isn’t deceptive. A liar knows that he is a liar, but one who speaks mere portions of truth in order to deceive is a craftsman of destruction.” ― Criss Jami