I’ve always had a contentious relationship with my mother. I grew up knowing that I wasn’t wanted. The theme of my childhood was – You’re not good enough. You’re flawed. There’s something wrong with you. You’re not valued. You’re not worthy of love…
My mother was raised by a Narcissistic father and a Codependent mother. She modeled the worst behaviors of both and took them out on her easiest target – me. She was unreachable and not emotionally present as a parent, and I interpreted her distance as rejection. Her sharp, unrelenting, criticism destroyed my self-esteem and affected me in myriad ways.
I speak of her a lot in my blogs. I have written about how her behavior created my codependency and my resentment towards her.
She died beside me, in a car accident, in 2007.
A Message from Beyond
Fast forward to September 8th 2018, the day before my birthday. My friends made an appointment for me to have an hour session with a renowned psychic medium. I hesitated to write about the experience because my audience comes from a vast array of cultures, races and beliefs and in today’s climate you run the risk of offending and alienating people who have different beliefs, but I made the choice to do so because I thought the message was too important not to share. I don’t ask that you believe what I believe, or that you need to seek out mediums, or that you even believe in what they do.
I believe that Mediums are like a radio signal. They can tune into frequencies that the rest of us cannot. Some have a clear signal, and some are not quite so strong. The one I met was clairvoyant, clairaudient and clairsentient.
We said a prayer and then she identified 3 spirits that were present, my dad, my grandmother and my mother’s favorite cousin. She was right on about their appearances, how they died, their personality quirks, what my dad liked to carry in his pocket and even what they liked to be called. I was not shocked that my mother wasn’t there, considering the things I have said and written about her, but I will admit I was disappointed that I wouldn’t get a chance to talk to her. I transcribed the session and I will present to you the aspects of it that I want to share that I think are important for healing and growth.
Medium repeating what my dad is saying: I know you felt very alone and sometimes you wonder what your purpose is, but I’m telling you, you do have a purpose. You’re smarter than all of us. You’re more aware of things that we were afraid of.
I know you’re not like other women. I guess that’s not the easy thing in our family. But you know what’s important – that you love yourself. Your grandmother says, “Yes.”
Your grandmother says you’ve been hurt. Really hurt. And you kept trying to figure out what you did for that to happen. She said you didn’t do anything wrong. But they were not what you thought they were. They were a very good actor.
You’re different in your family. The way that you look at things. The way that you look at life. (This statement couldn’t be more accurate). There’s a man that nearly broke you. You tried to do everything for him. You did everything you could for him, but you see dear, he became more like a child than a partner. He wasn’t very honest. He was a smart man, he just had so many problems. What do you mean he couldn’t keep his pants up? Your dad says well he had a problem keeping his pants up. That’s not for my girl. (He left me for his married co-worker)
He was looking for someone who would accept him for who he is, but he doesn’t accept himself. Those very things that he was attracted to you for in the beginning, he tried to make you eat those things at the end. You’ve been doing this 3 times with him – it’s a past life thing. That’s why when you met him in this life it was very familiar.
His obsessive-compulsive behavior (I never told her he had OCD) he’s looking for someone to accept him for who he is no matter what he does. Your grandma and your dad say that you’ve been through hell with this because you….let’s just say it resonated in the core of your being. But karmic resolutions are like this ….
Medium repeating dad: I want to see you dance. I want you to be so happy that you’re laughing with joy. That’s what I want to see for you.
Medium: Is it your birthday?
Happy Birthday. You’re a Virgo. Virgos have a lot of wonderful energy. (She talks next about Taurus energy)
Medium repeating Dad: (My dad was a Taurus) That’s why my daughter and I were so similar. She was shy. She had this beautiful smile and these big eyes when she was young. She would just look at me, “Why daddy, why?”
The things you used to say to him, you used to take him by surprise. He was always in awe of you. There were things you used to say to him and he could not figure out where you got them from. You were here to teach us, not us to teach you, he says.
Did you want to be a teacher?
Me: No. That’s funny you mention that everyone says I am a teacher now, just of a different sort. I had a Life between Lives hypnosis session about 10 years ago and the hypnotist asked my spirit guide if I was a healer and the word teacher came into my mind. (This was way before any ideas of my blog entered my mind).
Medium: You’re a very creative person and you like helping mankind. You like assisting people and getting them out of their psychosis and getting them to see the bigger picture. (I haven’t told her about my blog or what it’s about. All she knew of me was my first name) It’s very important for you. That’s what your dad just put in my head.
Me: I write about helping people get through abusive relationships.
Medium: You need to write a book about it. Your dad says this came from the inner parts of your being, to share with other people. He’s read some of them. He says, “We know what’s going on.” You’ve been side tracked a bit….
Medium: Wait a minute. Who’s Elizabeth?
Me: My mom.
Medium: Your mom just came. What’s in the bag? It’s a birthday gift.
Medium repeating what mom is saying: I’m sorry. Your father left this for me again. You know I always had to do these things. She just pulled out this thing it says Happy Birthday Savannah. Psychic starts to get emotional, “Oh that’s beautiful.” It’s a book of treasures and it’s got all the things you’ve ever written. It’s gold embossed and it says, My Book of Treasures. My God I feel like I’m going to cry. Stop. Your dad is hilarious. (repeating dad) Sorry your mother was late, but I wasn’t supposed to tell you she was shopping.
Me: What do they do over there?
Medium: Your grandmother says, “We’re busy learning about the lives we had and all the things we did and did not do. And I know there are a few things I didn’t do.
Medium: That was terrible. I feel like my body just went toxic. What’s that? Your mom, I feel like her body just shut down. I hurt. I really hurt. I don’t understand this. I have this impact in my chest. Something like boom. (She hits her hand against her chest.) I don’t know if she hit something. How did she die?
Me: We were in a car accident.
Medium: That’s what that is. I’m sorry dear. You survived but she didn’t. Psychic whispers to spirit, “Did you really? Oh my God I’m going to cry now.” (Her voice starts to get emotional)
Your mother says, “I wouldn’t let them take you. I said take me. I don’t want her to go yet. Take me. I’ve lived my life. She’s just starting hers. I thought that was the best thing to do. It’s been hard for me over here because you’ve been carrying this guilt for so long, thinking that it was your fault.”
Who was driving? I see swerving.
Me: A transport truck forced us into the guard rail, I got knocked out for a few seconds, we bounced from the guard rail across all lanes of traffic and got hit by another transport truck.
Medium: The second impact did her in. I’m going to tell you, I know that what she’s talking about is true. I’ve seen this before. She said that she couldn’t bear that it be you, because your life was just beginning. She says she didn’t feel a thing. She was talking to an angel she said, or someone from the other side, and she said, I can’t come here, and he said, it’s either you or her. She said no it can’t be my daughter, take me. I don’t want it to be her. I won’t be able to live through this.
Your mom couldn’t have lived through this if anything happened to you. It would have really killed her in a different way. You’ve had this problem since the accident too. I know you know she’s ok, that you talk to her. But the important thing she wants you to know is that she chose life for you, because you’ve got something here to do that’s important and she felt that she had done most of the stuff she came here for. So, she chose this – I’ve heard this before.
I am skeptical, and I do not want the burden of knowing she died, so that I could live, so I ask: I thought that our deaths were predetermined?
Medium: I’m going to explain it to you. We have a blue print. If you’re a builder, you understand that blueprints change all the time. We have the freewill to change it, but we have so many possible exits. Now for her and you I think she had to make a choice. I don’t think in the last life that you survived. I think she survived, and you didn’t and I…I want you to get this movie called If Only. It will make so much sense to you. That’s what she put in my head and I knew exactly what she was talking about. It’s about choice and we do have choices. Remember in human form we have free will – this is the gift we’ve been given in human form. We haven’t been given instructions on how to work it. That’s the thing. We’re not Ikea furniture because then that would be cheating.
We have an idea when we come here on how it’s going to work. We don’t always know our ending. The life review on the other side, we maybe have 3 or 4 options to choose from. Say you want to work on loving yourself – it may take 10 lives, because each time you create all this other stuff that distracts you.
Medium: I know it was hard when you lost your mom. You went into a dark hole.
Me: Yeah I lost everything – my mom, my partner of a decade, my job, my house, my car, my boat – everything.
Medium: How do you feel now about it?
Me: I wouldn’t change it. I solved the riddle of my life and it gave me the knowledge I needed to heal myself and help others.
Medium: Your mom was very attractive. She was a beautiful woman. (My mom was a stunning woman)
Me: Yeah I look like my dad.
Medium: Yeah you do…your mom says no you look like me too. You have my eyes (I do have her eyes).
Is that a wrist watch you’re showing me? There’s something she wore here. It was important. There’s something she wore here, she wants you to wear it. She said that is your good luck charm.
Medium: Your mom said, You know you were stronger than I was. You see you wanted this job to overcome all these things. That’s what they told me. That’s why I said take me. Let her do her work, but I’ve never been far away. I leave you little bread crumbs so that you know I’m around. How many times do you smell her?
Your parents are arguing – your mom says your dad has fanciful ideas.
Your dad is saying to your mom – we have to support and nurture her. We have to help her. Your mom says, I know we have to do that. Now she’s listening, now she’s going to hear us. (My mother did not know how to communicate. It makes sense that my dad would be pushing her.)
Your mom says, I miss shopping and having lunch with you. (That was our thing. We had lunch and went shopping every Saturday). We had a lot of good times together. That day wasn’t a good day. We were both kind of off that day. She says she couldn’t find things she says she was running around like a chicken.
Me: She was supposed to stay home. She had plans with her friends, but she cancelled them to be with me.
Medium: She wanted to go with you.
Me: I want to ask you – her upbringing was very toxic. She was not emotionally healthy and in my writing, I say a lot of negative things about her. I’m very critical about her parenting and how she was.
Medium: She said that’s fine. The truth is the truth.
Me: I thought that’s why she wasn’t here in the beginning.
Medium: No she was shopping for you. She loved to shop. She also liked to make an entrance.
Medium repeating mom: I’m sorry I was critical about your appearance and stuff and that man.(My ex Narcissist)
Me: She was right about him.
Medium speaking for mom: I’m sorry dear, it was hard for me to keep my mouth shut (psychic gets emotional). You’re just so lovely and so wonderful and so trusting and I just, I don’t know. I know I didn’t do things right either. I should have supported you more. I just didn’t know how to. I guess I felt like if I could fix what’s going on with you I could fix me (a very codependent trait). I realize now that that’s not right and that’s what you’ve realized. You’re fixing yourself in order to help others. I was doing it the opposite way around.
Medium: She knew you really well. Ohhhh she said she knew she had to go with you that day. There was an overwhelming feeling that she had to go with you. That’s why she cancelled her plans. It was a very weird day for her. She knew there was something that made her go with you. She died instantly, but in that instant, she had a life review that probably took an hour. Wow – see they don’t know time there. She said she pleaded with them to take her and not you. She said I realized then that if I didn’t come with you then you would have been dead and I wouldn’t have been able to deal with that.
You see your mom was very self-centered – you know what I mean? For the first time in her life she was self-less with you. And this is what she needed to learn.
Medium repeating mom: I never told you the things I needed to say to you. Like how much I loved you and appreciated you. I guess I just worried about your health and I worried in the wrong way. I shouldn’t have done that, because I made it worse I know. And there were things I would say about him (my ex Narcissist) that would make you upset, because I felt like you were doing everything. He was just sucking the life out of you. It just made me angry. I didn’t know how to respond to it.
It was your time to be here to do what you needed to do. And I fulfilled something, because I could have let you go, but I couldn’t.
Medium: I think this was a big moment for her. A moment of unselfish and unconditional love. You always felt that she didn’t love you, that she didn’t care about you. (I nod big time) That’s not the way she felt. She said that she didn’t help that feeling and that man made it worse. Medium says to spirit, “You kicked his ass around the corner?” I have it on good authority that he will never be happy. God bless him, but we don’t care. We just care about you.
Medium speaking for mom: I realize I have to work on this stuff too. I was always at your dad for everything. No wonder he was the way he was. I guess maybe I didn’t know any other way to love. It wasn’t as natural as it was with you and your dad. I was kind of jealous, you know. It’s hard for a mother to say that. I guess maybe I wanted that relationship that you had with him. It was intimate, loving, beautiful. I pushed everything away. Because I didn’t know anything else.
Your grandmother said, “It started with me.”
Medium talking about my abusive grandfather: I think he did something to your mother. Like pedophile, like abuse (this is news to me. I don’t know if it’s true) – Your poor mother she just didn’t know what to do, so she shut down emotionally. She was very businesslike. I know that sounds kind of funny, but that was her way of getting through things. Here do this, do that, don’t talk about it. That’s what she was taught from her mom. That’s what her mom did.
Medium speaking for dad: We are deeply proud of you. I know getting rid of (Medium pauses then asks) Who’s Xxxx or Xxxxx?
Me: My ex
Medium: I know it was difficult but he was not meant for you. He was something you needed to learn. Nothing more.
It was a lovely gift from my friends – a long distance call to my parents, living in a different dimension. I’m always critical and analytical about things like this, but her detail was spot on. The interactions between my departed loved ones was right on, their sense of humor and the dynamic between my mother and I was right on – but most importantly they gave me the words I most needed to hear. We love you, we’re proud of you – we’re proud of the work you’re doing and we’re always here.
It took me awhile to process everything and it was nice to hear that I am on the right path and that I was right about my ex Narcissist. I especially loved it when my grandmother chimed in with, “We have it on good authority that he will never be happy.” How does someone just pull that out of a hat?
I loved the validation I got, but the biggest gift was realizing that I didn’t need it. I have taught myself to trust my own instincts and to stand firmly behind them. I’ve come a long way and it’s nice to know that they are always with me, nudging and guiding me in the right direction.