One of the tell-tale signs of low self-esteem is how one reacts to rejection. Do you pick up and move on quickly? Do you beg and plead and try to change their mind? The way you behave depends upon where you lie within a spectrum of three different types, the Move-Oners, the Validation-Seekers, or the Revengers.
When someone breaks up with a Move-Oner you can expect that, sure, they might be hurt, or sad for a time, but they won’t be destroyed by it. They generally have a good level of self-esteem and they always maintain their own identity and have good boundaries. They know where their line is and they’re not afraid to walk when someone crosses it. They’re quick to notice when their needs are not being met and they’re not afraid to speak up. Move-oners are not guided by emotion, but by logic.
Validation-Seekers are devastated by a break-up. To them, rejection goes much deeper than their current relationship. It triggers their deepest fears and beliefs about themselves – that they are not good enough, not valued and not worthy of love. Validation-Seekers will take a great deal of abuse because of these beliefs. They are compelled to try and help and fix their partners. They give all and usually receive little for their efforts. They are fueled by their emotions and you can expect a lot of drama in the process of a break-up. A validation-seeker will jump through hoops, trying to recapture the love they believe they have lost. They are ripe for abuse and will usually find themselves paired up with an emotional manipulator.
When you end a relationship with a Revenger you can expect to find yourself on the receiving end of some type of retribution. Revengers are emotional manipulators who fear abandonment and use control and manipulation to keep their partners in check. When they have lost that control, they may verbally assault them, saying hurtful, outrageous things. They may character assassinate them trying to control how others see them. They may physically assault them or try to harm or destroy people or possessions that their victims hold dear.
Are You A Validation Seeker?
Validation Seekers want to please. They have a deep-seated, need for approval and love, that has remained unrealized most of their lives. This need shapes their behavior and their decision-making ability. When they are in a romantic relationship they will seek out individuals who trigger those same beliefs they carry from childhood.
How does one stop seeking validation? I think the first and main objective is to be mindful that this is one of your triggers.
When you notice that you are in a relationship that keeps ending and starting – know instantly that this isn’t healthy on any level and that regardless of how much you do, or how much you give, it isn’t going to get better. Be mindful – if you find yourself changing your appearance or behavior to try and please someone else. Be mindful of any behavior that makes you feel less than and stop.
It’s important to note what healthy relationship behaviors look like and to start putting them into practice. Mindfulness and repetition of behavior are key. Below are so behaviors,thoughts and actions to implement while on the path to self-validation.
Healthy Behaviors, Thoughts and Actions to Self-Validation:
• Your value doesn’t change based on someone’s ability to see it – it is a constant determined by you
• Your decisions are based on what you need and want at any given moment
• You recognize instantly when your needs are not being met in a relationship and you take action
• You control your emotions, they don’t control you
• You hold people accountable for their behavior
• You don’t have perpetual, crippling doubt
• You know that you are a fully autonomous being – separate from your partner and everyone else. You have your own thoughts, feelings and experiences
• You know that your partner’s thoughts, opinions and beliefs do not carry more weight or have more value than your own
• No one knows me better than I know myself
• I have an internal locus of control
• I live in reality at all times
• I am not riddled with doubt. I trust my instincts. I trust my own analysis and conclusions
• I know my own mind
• Your thoughts opinions and beliefs are about you and your experiences and have nothing to do with me
• You know that there is no void, no hole inside of you, that you were always whole.
• You own your power and never surrender it
• In the end the only person I have to please is myself
• My words, actions and decisions affect me
• I recognize your lack of boundaries and I hold fast to my boundaries
• I don’t fix or try to control others
• I do right by me. My best interests are always at the forefront of my decision making
• The more you reject me the less I want you
• I like people that like me
• I don’t become so ensnared in a relationship that I can’t tell where you end and I begin. I can love you and still maintain my own identity
• Your rejection means stop do not go any further – it does not mean try harder, give more, jump through more hoops. I recognize the situation and I stop my need to get you onto my way of thinking
• I don’t play games. I don’t do break up then make-up, break up then make up. If you break up with me that means it’s over.
In the end I think you know that you have stopped seeking external validation when your inner voice is louder than the voices around you. Trust yourself and stop looking for validation outside of yourself. Remember that you can’t get your worth from someone else because they don’t have it. You can’t get validation from other’s, because it’s not their job to fill you up. It’s yours. If you continue to do that you will always be disappointed. Emotional Manipulators have nothing to gain by pumping you up and everything to lose, so they never will. They do the opposite of that.
You always had value, you just didn’t realize it. Now you do!
Perfect article. I just went no contact with my brother after expressing how much his mental manipulations hurt me. No more waiting for it to get better. No more trying to change their mind (my family’s) that I am worth loving in a healthy, respectful way.
I will address the fact, because I feel it’s important, that I am a 33 year old male, I have a great job, I have been told and believe I am attractive, I am intelligent, I am a great father, I am a good person, yet my entire life, I have struggled with self validation, self love, confidence. You wouldn’t be able to tell if you looked at me from the outside because we learn to mask our deficiencies I guess. Trouble in my 8 year marriage has forced me to truly and deeply look in the mirror and ask who I am and why? I want to say THANK YOU, sincerely, for this article and blog Savannah. It has also forced me think about my past but most importantly, it makes me feel so positive and confident about the future I cannot put into words and that usually is very easy for me. But again, sincerely, thank you and thank you for anyone who takes the time to write comments, they really help also.
It’s refreshing to walk through the open doorway to discover self validation and to renew ones life with strength to move forward in a healthy manner. No longer needing the false love or false charms of a narcissist.
I’ve been free of the chains over my heart & mind for over a year thanks to Savannah. I encourage anyone still trapped under a spell to listen to all Savannah teaches because it works and you will make it and never regret it. Trust in it so may learn to trust in yourself.
I thank God for leading me to this site.
Excellent!! No more trying harder/hoop jumping/accepting bad behavior. DONE.
Blessings always <3
True true true…love reading your stuff..kinda kicks me in the ass and reminds me who I am. Thank you❤️
Great rules to live by. I need to review regularly. I especially love that rejection means STOP — not try harder. So basic, but how did I come this far, consider myself smart, and not know this? Thanks, Savannah!
Great stuff. After the trials of my mother’s death and the N relationship, I thought I was rebuilding a relationship with one of my brothers. We had some days out and he visited me several times. But then he attacked me rudely and negatively twice by email. I’ve put it on paper that I enjoyed the contact but won’t be made use of and won’t put up with rudeness. Not a word. It’s his issue. I feel sad but ‘m moving on.
• The more you reject me the less I want you
• I like people that like me
I have finally stopped wooing and pursuing family members who just don’t care to have a relationship with me. My co-dependency gets peeled off in layers and its amazing how much less stress I have just from one decision: Don’t chase.
Excellent article—section on behaviors for self- validation worthy of a daily read.
GOOD STUFF HERE!
All of that!!!!
Right on point for me at this time in my life….I just gave myself a “thatagirl” pat on my own back…thank you again Savannah you always encourage, empower, and speak the truth. Stay blessed