I got invited to a local restaurant, to celebrate an ex-coworker’s birthday, last weekend.  I didn’t know anyone else there, aside from my friend, and I was late, so I was relegated to the end of the table. What could have been an uncomfortable and awkward evening, turned into dinner theater – or at least some really good people watching, for one massively, psychoanalytic, nerdy girl.

Across from me sat an early 30-something couple, we’ll call Brian and Gwen. After about two hours I witnessed the following behavior:

Brian:

• Dominated the conversation and steered it back to him when it veered elsewhere
• Responded aggressively to anyone questioning his subject matter
• Seemed to sulk when he wasn’t the center of attention
• Didn’t seem to notice he was making others feel uncomfortable
• Seemed to be very sensitive and paranoid
• Bad mouthed others
• Was rude and mouthy to Gwen
• Seemed smug and angry
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The whole concept of forgiveness sounds like a huge cliché doesn’t it? Somehow, by some stroke of magic, forgiving someone, who has done you a terrible wrong, is supposed to make you feel better. That sentiment has always sounded a little ridiculous to me.

We’re probably all familiar with Buddha’s famous quote, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

That sounds logical in principal, but the reality of giving someone a free pass after they hurt you, just doesn’t sit well with a lot of us. It’s like saying, “You know what – it’s all good. Don’t worry about it. It’s just my feelings, my life, my self-esteem and my heart that you crushed – but hey – no biggie.”  I would equate that with the doormat-like behavior I’ve fought so hard to get away from.

Forgiveness just doesn’t seem to give a sense of empowerment. The whole idea of it makes a lot of people mad, because you know what?  Hurting me – is a big deal – it’s not all good – and there should be some sort of universal justice that holds people accountable.

“Are you sitting down?”

“Yes,” I said. “What’s up?”

“I logged into Pete’s Ipad and I found all these email addresses that I didn’t know he had.”

“Ohhhhh. I don’t like where this is going.” I replied.

“The emails are linked to all these dating websites. He was not only talking to other women online, but he was meeting up with them. There are emails making plans to hook up and then emails afterwards, saying how hot it was. And they go back to before we got married. He’s been cheating the whole time.”

This was the phone call I got this week from a dear friend of mine, pretty much verbatim. I felt sick after I hung up. Sick at the feelings that I knew my friend was going through and sick at the fact that her partner Pete, had fooled us all.

After my break-up many, many years ago, I accidently-on-purpose, came across the Facebook profile of my ex’s new woman. I remember at that moment turning into Joan Rivers, “What a hideous troll beast- oh gag me with a spoon- what is he thinking – how on God’s green earth did he choose her over me? Can we talk?”

Then I saw pictures of them together. They were both smiling and they looked really happy and in love. There were pictures of them hugging,  you know the ones where their foreheads are touching – the ones that look so sweet and deeply intimate. There were even pictures of her hugging his mother – his mother….the same woman, who months earlier, thought of me as her daughter-in-law. I was beyond consolable. All I kept thinking about was how easy it was for him to replace me and ho

Why don’t you love me? After everything I’ve done – how could you not love me?

At some point, everyone that has been involved with a Narcissist has wondered these same thoughts. That someone, promised you the moon and the stars and delivered nothing, and then discarded you like a bad habit, is so hard to come to terms with. A Narcissist’s behavior defies reason. It doesn’t make sense, because it’s not logical. Instead, it’s cruel, harmful and unnecessary. It causes us so much turmoil, because we never saw it coming (at least not the first time). It wasn’t even on our radar, because that kind of thinking and behavior is so foreign to the rest of us.

There are thousands and thousands of stories from victims of Narcissistic abuse that are absolutely horrific and heart wrenching and it leaves us shaking our heads, wondering, ‘How could somebody do that?’ Many, when they discover that their partner has a problem, become expert detectives and scientists to try and learn all they can about it. They want to keep their mate so badly that they will go to any lengths to do so.

I love the metamorphic dance of the butterfly. From slow, awkward, unattractive, caterpillar to elegant, graceful, beautiful, butterfly.  This dance is symbolic, illustrating our deep desire to shed the things that hold us back, spread our wings and take flight. It’s our collective hope, that we can start from where we are, and transform into our true potential. It can also represent a type of awakening, after a long slumber, or even a rebirth.

Many people walk through life asleep, never questioning what is, never aspiring to be more, or to grow. These people go through the motions and just accept what is. They are the walking dead. I know they exist, because I was one of them.

My deep slumber was the time that I had abandoned myself, when my life became all about someone else. I had forgotten about the little joys in life, the things that gave me pleasure and I had completely forgotten about all of the things my soul craved for its own growth and happiness. Those were dark times, when I lived in a fog, almost like something else had taken over my body. It felt foreign and unnatural, but little by little it was who I became.

The post-date analysis was one of my favorite pastimes. It was a special time, when my girlfriends and I would get together, usually over a meal, or coffee and we’d laugh about what colossal dating faux pas Savannah made this time. Throughout my various stages of emotional health, I have blundered my way through oodles of men, chalking up one epic dating failure after another, enough to supply RomCom writers with copious amounts of material for decades.

Through it all I have laughed, I have cried, but most importantly I learned. I’ve learned how to discern what certain behaviors and patterns mean, what to watch out for, when to proceed and when to climb out the bathroom window.  I know many of you are absolutely terrified at the prospect of dating and you’ve asked for a few tips, so I’ve compiled a few of my many hard learned lessons, to hopefully prepare you better and alleviate some of your anxiety. My first suggestion though, is to grab a pen and paper and write down exactly what you’re looking for in a partner. When you’ve got it out there – it means you’ve given it some thought, it’s in your conscious mind and you are more apt to notice it when it comes waltzing past you. So, without further ado: