I got invited to a local restaurant, to celebrate an ex-coworker’s birthday, last weekend. I didn’t know anyone else there, aside from my friend, and I was late, so I was relegated to the end of the table. What could have been an uncomfortable and awkward evening, turned into dinner theater – or at least some really good people watching, for one massively, psychoanalytic, nerdy girl.
Across from me sat an early 30-something couple, we’ll call Brian and Gwen. After about two hours I witnessed the following behavior:
Brian:
- Dominated the conversation and steered it back to him when it veered elsewhere
- Responded aggressively to anyone questioning his subject matter
- Seemed to sulk when he wasn’t the center of attention
- Didn’t seem to notice he was making others feel uncomfortable
- Seemed to be very sensitive and paranoid
- Bad mouthed others
- Was rude and mouthy to Gwen
- Seemed smug and angry
Gwen on the other hand:
- Tried to smooth everything over and put Brian at ease
- Laughed at Brian’s jokes and off color anecdotes
- Complimented him repeatedly
- Smiled a lot
- Seemed passive, quiet and content to listen and not stand out
I wouldn’t ever want to label anyone after only one meeting, but if you’re ever on a first date with someone who acted like Brian, I would say that behavior constitutes a, sneak out the bathroom window, escape tactic.
What fascinated me most about the evening wasn’t Brian, it was Gwen. She seemed lovely, sweet, kind, easy-going and a little sad. What on earth was she doing with a guy like that? And why did she seem to be okay with his behavior, when everyone else was clearly thinking, ‘this guy is a complete a-hole.’
The sad part was, I knew why. Just listening to Brian had my own Spidey Senses tingling. As a former co-dependent, his behavior was triggering my old desire to soothe, comfort and make everything alright.
You see, Co-dependents have special skills that other’s don’t have. They are masters at reading social cues that most tend to miss. Some people use the term Highly Sensitive People or HSP. While it is true that some individuals are born more sensitive than others, I believe that Highly Sensitive People are made, not born.
The Making of a Co-Dependent
When you are born into an environment with an emotional manipulator, you learn that love and attention are conditional. They are conditional upon your ability to pick up on the cues and moods of your care givers. If you make your care giver feel good, then you will get love. If you put your own needs first, act out, upset or aggravate your caregiver, there will be punishment and love will be withheld.
So the child develops a radar system, which allows them to pick up on the body language, tone, vibration, and other non-verbal cues of other people. They have to become experts at this, because their safety and need for love and attention is in jeopardy. It’s classical conditioning at it’s best. Consequently, a child becomes adept at picking up subtleties, which tell them when to approach, and when to be invisible. They can also learn to model the behavior of a co-dependent parent.
Co-Dependents:
- Are very good at pretending things are ok
- Learn how to cater to the needs of others
- Learn how to suppress their own needs
- Believe that they must be perfect in order to be loved
- Mold their personality to make other people happy
- Become rescuers and people pleasers
- Learn how to twist reality
- Minimize problems
- Readily and easily accept blame when it is not theirs
- Become passive
- Learn how to sacrifice and endure
- Believe that they deserve or they become accustomed to poor treatment
- Don’t voice their displeasure
- Have terrible communication skills
- Avoid conflict
- Believe that they have to solve everyone else’s problems
- Believe that just being who they are isn’t good enough
- Need to mend and tend the wounds of other people
- Learn that love is conditional
- Derive their sense of self-worth through helping others
The ability to read someone, once learned, never leaves you. I don’t know when, or how I acquired this skill, but I know it’s always on and always working. It just works a little differently for me now. In the past when my Spidey Senses were tingling and I was with someone that was damaged and broken, instinctively, I would smoother that person with love and boost them up with compliments and attention. I would soothe them, make them feel better and I would give and give and give, until it hurt.
Now-a-days when my Spidey Senses go off, I don’t storm in and envelope someone in my sympathy. Now I see it as a warning signal, telling me to beware, back the truck up, do not proceed, danger- there is dysfunction in the area and I get the hell outta Dodge. I don’t even entertain the thought that it’s my job to fix someone, or make someone feel better. If I meet a man, or a woman, that has emotional problems – I’m not interested in their sob story. I look for the exit and I make no apology.
It’s not that I’m not compassionate, but it’s like a recovering alcoholic walking through a bar, you just don’t want to be around your vice – and – this is a huge AND – and it’s not my place to deprive someone of a lesson to be learned, or from all the benefits of solving their own problems. I didn’t feel compelled to warn Gwen she was headed for trouble, when she is ready, she will look for answers just like the rest of us, but Brian was a different story and I’m a little embarrassed to say I couldn’t help myself.
I kind of had a sneer on my face, as I sat across from him. It was hard for me to hide my displeasure watching his antics. Massively, dysfunctional people repulse me, to the point where I am often the one provoking them, because I know just what buttons to push. I poke the bear just enough, to see it stick its head out of the cave and show itself. Just enough, so that it knows I see it and it sees me.
The Brian’s of the world steer clear of me now, because they too, are excellent at reading people. They know I’ve switched teams, I’m no longer on team – Let me take care of you, and you can abuse me, now I’m on team – I know what you’re all about , and you repulse me.
I felt good as I left the restaurant, I felt strong and proud of myself, because I have come a long, long way. I kind of felt like a Narc Buster – and on my way back to my car I actually started to sing:
“If there’s somethin’ strange in your neighborhood”
“Who ya gonna call?”
“Narc Busters!”
“I ain’t afraid o’ no Narc”
Your Comments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I have been talking to a man I met at a party several years ago about 18 months ago his wife of 40 years died after a long debilitating illness where he was the caretaker. They had 5 kids and they had little contact with them or any other family members even the kids do not have a relationship with each other! They had a theme song ” you and me against the world”. Now he is alone and goes out to a club and talks about all the women who want him. He is handsome and tall and loves to be told how good looking and charming he is. Does this sound narc? I had one for three yrs but not sure how to spot this. My gut tells be keep him at arms length. Oh and did I say he is very controlling? He once told me don,t interrupt me I am talking. Wow!
Great article. I am dating (if you want to call it that) a narcissist. He is super smart and twists everything I say making me feel like the sick one. He called me bipolar today. He makes me feel that way sometime. I know I have to reach the bottom to walk away. I know I deserve so much better. He is my achilles heal. How do I walk away… when I am ashamed I stay. I settle for a little and then his evil twin comes out. I feel bad for him sometimes. Why can’t I get angry and say no.. your stories help. Everyone’s story helps. HELP.
Just wanted to take a moment to say Thankyou! A recurring statement playing through my mind as I read through these posts … “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”.
I don’t think I have laughed authentically at myself for quite some time, but as I was reading this post, I realized the “student” is ready! I aspire to be free of this. I’m thinking “Narc Buster” should be a career option of perhaps a degree. I am a recovered alcoholic and met my “teacher/Narc” in a meeting of AA… based on the stories I am reading here, I realize it was “text book” and that Narc’s can thrive in an alleged healing environment. My thoughts are all over the place right now… just really wanted to say thankyou for this labor of Love you invest your energy into.
Here it is 7 months later and I still haven’t achieved No Contact. I definitely need a 12-step program! I re-read this blog this morning after failing miserably yesterday in my new resolve for No Contact. Yes, it was spot-on as to why I am co-dependent. I am way out there in determining what others want, thanks to when I was even a tiny baby and as an adult I was ripe for a narcissist and all that. So I will be patient with myself as I try to break the addiction. Like Savannah did, I will try to re-train my spidey senses. I will make a pause between stimulus and response. I will think. I will take time to think that even though it is very compelling to come in and rescue, I will be better served by putting the truck in reverse and backing out of there–fast. Rescuing, helping, and nurturing is the WRONG thing to do.
Since I have “changed teams” as you put it, I can intuitively feel a narc a mile away. I can just watch them, … never even talk to them and figure out they are a narc. They are such a turn off for me, …. it just leaves an extremely creepy feeling in me.
I am going on month 5 narc free. I was in a 9 year relationship with him. It started out with the idealization which only lasted under a year. I look back now and think about the times he acted like I didn’t exist. In the beginning he did a good job of g
Hooking me and once I was hooked I felt invested and I wanted to make everything better all the time . I remember when I was still with him yet I felt lonely. He gave me just enough to keep me holding on. He would pull away and that would cause me to want him more. It got to the point about 3 years ago where I didn’t give a shit anymore and that was the beginning of the ending. I did my own thing, he did his thing. Weeks would go by without us seeing each other then I guess he decided he better make a crumb of an effort. As you can imagine that got very old and finally I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I told him to forget I exist. I have come a long way. I still have moments that are sad , but I have more times where I’m happier than I’ve been in many many years. I love reading your blogs savannah thank you so much. This site has helped me tremendously.
I am day TWO of no contact with my Narc….OMG I had no clue how codependent I had become, how I could so easily feed off his insane behavior. Talk about addictions! Honestly it’s not going well, I keep wanting to fix XX but it’s not possible and I know it. The last contact I suggested he seek help…his response…poor him everyone else was picking on him…..sadly my last gasp of any sense of care for him died when he had a tantrum about lipstick on his car window…not mine I asked about…it concluded with his yelling, throwing a phone and being so late for work, he was reprimanded….guess whose fault it was…eye roll. I at least am someplace far away and very safe surrounded by friends and family who know what all has happened. And all have agreed to respect my boundaries with GG. but THANK you for this blog and this group of survivors….I know I can make it!
I’m trying to get past a narcissistic ex who keeps popping back into my life with his problems. It seems like every time I feel a little weakness towards him, your email comes with your new blog and it says just what I need to hear. You have helped me with some low points in my journey. I am still not to the point of no contact, but I won’t see him when he tries to get me to come over. It’s been two months. He doesn’t effect me like he used to so I know I’m getting stronger. This nightmare has been off and on for 20 years. I pray I’ll be drying enough to completely forget about him one day. Thank you for your brilliant words.
Excellent Reading! Thank You
I just had a little bump in the road of my recovery. Sorry I needed to vent so I am making a long post:
I am going on month five of leaving my N. About three of those five months included not hearing a peep from him. I’ve been doing pretty good and have come SO far in my journey.
I just got an email from him this morning. Dun-Dun-Dunnnnn!!! He created a new account that way he could reach out (I had blocked him from every other possible form of electronic communication).
A funny sidebar to this story: I started watching “Parks & Recreation” recently because the whole nation is swooning over actor Chris Pratt, and he is on that show. The show begins with Pratt’s character having two broken legs. He is living at his girlfriend’s house, not working, cleaning or contributing, and plays Xbox and guitar all day long. She is supporting him and waits on him hand and foot. There is an episode where the girlfriend discovers he purposefully delayed removing the casts, just so she could continue taking care of him. This reminded me of my N in ways – he is an inverted narcissist who does not want to work and is looking for someone to take care of him. A friend and I were talking about the show, and we laughed in agreement that my N was like Pratt’s loser character in a way.
Then I got that email from him the morning after having this conversation. The email was extremely lazy – it was the most oblivious, half-assed attempt at re-establishing contact that I have ever seen.
We don’t need to get into why he is doing this and what he is thinking. I know why. I also know after reading this blog for 5 months that the best response to a Narc is no response. I simply added his new email address to my blocked list, deleted the message and moved forward. We know that if I engage with him in any way, he will use this as an opportunity to abuse me again or try to rope me back in. Nope, nope, nope!
Of course, feelings of anger and indignation came back when I saw that email. I can proudly say that I am repulsed. I do not miss or crave him. Nor do I even have any desire to yell at him or engage with him in anyway. My reaction this time was: “You have GOT to be effing kidding me!” and I rolled my eyes.
There are many, many aspects of narcissists and their behavior that are just mind boggling and literally insane. What kills me the most about my N (all Ns, really) is how he CANNOT possibly understand nor care that I do NOT want to hear from him. These people have selective amnesia about what they’ve done. They seem to NOT be able to grasp this very basic concept: That the people they’ve hurt DO NOT want to hear from them! When someone says “DON’T contact me, ever again,” DON’T!
A while back, I had a fall out with a business partner, whom I was also friends with. An ongoing disagreement got out of control and we each lost each other as friends over it. We don’t hate each other, and we never badmouth each other to mutual friends. We both agreed the friendship was too broken (over bad business decisions) and that it just could never be what is was. So we agreed to end the friendship. Neither of us reaches out to the other – I know that he does not really want to hear from me, and vice versa. We each respect that and don’t try to re-establish contact. Narcs on the other hand, cannot understand this concept and will never, EVER leave us alone.
I know that I should not be surprised by this. When he and I were together, he did not care about my well-being. He didn’t even understand something as basic as this: That it’s not OK to wake someone up when they are sleeping. He is in his mid-thirties and does not understand this. He would ALWAYS wake me up when I was napping or would even shake me awake in the middle of the night, needing or wanting something — when I’m the one that had to get up and go to work in the morning. He just couldn’t understand why I’d be so angry when he woke me up. So how can I expect him to understand that he needs to leave me alone? Of course, he won’t. Because he can’t.
At least in my N’s case, I know I don’t have to worry about him physically stalking me, coming to my work or bothering me at home. He is thankfully too lazy to do this. Narcs want you back with the most minimal level of exertion on their part.
But UGH. Major UGH. WHY aren’t these people (narcissists) locked up in insane asylums, where they belong? Away from society, away from the rest of us? It blows my mind that these people are able to put their pants on in the morning and go about their day and function, when their logic is so twisted and nothing they do seems to make any sense.
Fantastic read……gave me “goosebumps” identifying myself with my radar out on the Narcs. My body senses a Narc immediately and yes – I find them completely ugly and repulsive. I do add a little empathy only from the perspective of their survival tactics. I am very grateful to your website. It’s the best informative site I’ve come cross and I have learnt so much. I, like you, have absolutely no desire EVER to want to “save the Narcs” again!!!…..
I am working on becoming a former co-dependent and am entering my fifth month of being Narc free from my ex.
In this process of self-discovery I examined many things in my life, especially things I wanted (and needed) to change and improve.
This process of understanding narcissism, fleeing from my ex and healing from the trauma also led me to examine my friendships and if the people who I chose to surround myself with were good for me.
This may not be a surprise, but lo and behold, it turns out I was drawn to and attracted narcs and broken people in my friendships, too — not just in my romantic relationships. This happened throughout my life.
I finally acted on some feelings I had been harboring (but downplayed) about these friends and the fact that they were not good for me to be around or to stay in contact with, and had to sever these friendships.
One friendship in particular was not easy – since the friend lives near me and was my first female friend in my new city. Another was a long-term, long distance friend. But I really had to clean house and am working to keep it clean.
Yesterday, I went to a movie with a really close male friend of mine. After seeing him, I paid attention to how I felt after hanging out with him. I felt good. Happy. Energized. This is how I always feel after I see this friend, as well as some others.
I then thought about how I usually felt after hanging out or talking with the people whom I recently separated myself from. The first thing that came to mind was this: Drained. I ALWAYS felt drained, foggy and just spent after hanging out with my toxic friend or talking on the phone to the other. Even if were having a good time out or laughing.
Rewinding things even more, looking back to the days I met these friends, I can still remember how I felt and what I thought: Something about them just did not sit right with me. I didn’t like them but couldn’t put my finger on why.
My friend here, in particular, it was like something inside of me was screaming at me to not hang out with her. And the more we hung out, she was essentially TELLING ME she was a broken person. But for myriad reasons, I didn’t listen to my inner voice, at all. I was worried I was being judgmental. I needed to push myself to meet more people. I didn’t want to write people off the way my snooty mother and aunt do. I admit the old codependent me wanted to “help” her with all of the problems she had.
I think I’m FINALLY getting to that point where I know that my gut has never, EVER been wrong in my life and that I need to freaking listen to it.
Also, pay attention to how you feel after you hang out with someone. If you feel drained, that is a REALLY bad sign. They are sucking the life out of you.
Thank you reading this long post. I do have a couple of questions:
#1). In what ways can we HSPs use our “powers” for good?
#2). How do you empathize with and help someone before running back off into co-dependency, like when a coworker needs advice, a friend needs something, etc?
Thanks for this NarcRepellent you are absolutely right about the types of people we surround ourselves with – they are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves and with whom we feel the most comfortable. As we grow and become more healthy and our perceptions change, you will come to place where you feel you have outgrown some of the people in your life and that’s good. A year ago I ended a long friendship with someone because her behavior and her outbursts were becoming increasingly outrageous and mean. I cared for her a lot and still do, but I began to realize that her jealousy, her superficiality and her jaded and twisted perception of other people and life in general, were very draining. Not to mention how hard I had to work to keep her happy. I realized that I shouldn’t have to work so hard at being friends with someone and I was kind of walking on egg shells wondering when her next outburst would occur and how over the top her it would be, so I had to let her go.
I think using your ability to read people is positive when you use it like I mention in the post, to determine what types of people to stay away from. It’s a very specific skill and is only useful within the same context in which it was learned. What I mean by that is, you were trained as a child to detect negative energies and danger – it doesn’t work the same way if you were, let’s say, trying to read if someone was good and sincere. The only way you might be able to tell that is by the absence of those feelings. I think the difference between healthy empathy and co-dependence is that empathy is feeling bad, or sorry for someone’s circumstances and offering them advice and giving them a shoulder, co-dependence starts when you take on their problem like it’s your own and start working on it’s resolution. With healthy empathy there is a boundary – I feel for you and I hope things work themselves out – with co-dependence there is no boundary and the person becomes way too invested in figuring things out and fixing whatever needs to be fixed. So you can be there for your friends or co-workers but you have to recognize the boundary – be there for them, even offer an opinion, but leave it there and let them solve their own problems.
Great article. I noticed a narc at a party. And I was in a feisty mood. His wife had filed for divorce and he carried on about how he just wanted someone to love him for who he is. I said, “Good luck with that.” I mocked men on dating sites who pust pics of themselves flexing (seriously, it’s cute when you’re 4, but once you have more than 2 digits in your age, ENOUGH) and he said he would have several pics of himself flexing. I replied, “Go figure.” We sneered at each other all night. And I called his wife to say I know why she can’t wait to be free of him!
I had a Narc husband for 7 years whom we are separated now. On our way out, I was finally wondering that something was really ‘wrong’ with him besides ADHD but couldnt figure out what, until I read your articles Savannah, which completely pulled me out of the dark and I discovered that we were a textbook case from day 1 to the last! horrifying at first, relieving after, you pulled me out of a vicious circle of thoughts. Now that I have completely recovered from him, I am an x-tra sensitive radar, I began to see way too many Narc’s around me. I am wondering if this is the case or am I prone to think as such? I have no interest in catering to another Narc and I guess the way I am dealing with it so far is by losing complete interest in relationships, hope I will find a middle-ground..
You know NG I don’t think you’re imagining things. I felt the same way not too long ago, they really are everywhere – they walk among us and there is a heck of a lot more of them than anyone realizes.
I think you’re on the right track and no you shouldn’t date until you have healed that part of yourself that made you attract and be attracted to these abuse types. Don’t beat yourself up = you’ll get there.
“So the child develops a radar system, which allows them to pick up on the body language, tone, vibration, and other non-verbal cues of other people. ”
Yup, yup, yup. I believe the term I learned was ‘walking on eggshells’. As a child, I never knew what I was coming home to – the nice, fun, generous and spontaneous mother or the mean, overly sensitive, critical mother. God it was awful. I remember slipping into the car at pick-up time and trying to keep my voice sounding up and happy as I asked how was her day and then waiting as she slowly turned her head like Cruella Deville, wondering what was awaiting me. I was so happy at school and everywhere else – and she wondered why I never called when I was away, wondered why I ran away 15 times through high school, wondered why I slit my wrists. But I suppose it was because I was a “bad kid” just as they told me. Those a-holes.
@HM – I have a narc mother and can totally relate.
I am one of three children and am the only one who talked back, rebelled and just knew that something was really, really wrong with our mom,l even as a child.
My brother and sister had a different experience. They just put their head down and strived to be perfect. They never stirred the pot and did everything exactly as my mother wanted, even pursuing the careers that she demanded they follow. They both grew up to be perfectionists.
All of my life, my family has considered, and some still do consider me, to be the “bad one.” Things I’ve done and said during my teen years — which really aren’t that bad — will never be forgotten. I’m really the one who spoke up, the one who refused to be a perfectionist and accept my mother’s abuse, so I’m the black sheep in the family’s eyes.
I enjoyed this post, particularly the part where you talk about avoiding dysfunctional people. A few years ago I came to this conclusion as well. I realized that I didn’t have to be friendly and warm towards everyone. Polite or appropriate, yes; accommodating, no. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in an abusive relationship but I still come across abusive types: a new co worker, a friend of a friend or a stranger. Most of the time, with abusive types, I don’t even give them the benefit of a response and I never ever react emotionally. It’s not worth it and they’re so good at deflecting the problem back onto you if you react (they’ve been doing it since they were little kids), that I don’t even step into the ring. I just avoid and ignore them- it works pretty well. I also think I’m better at spotting a narc or a borderline, maybe also an aspd but I haven’t had as much exposure to them as the others. People with personality disorders have rigid, unchangeable, unhealthy patterns of thinking they share so once you know the signs you can stop, look, listen and then exit once verified.
I think Brian in your scenario is an aggressive kind of narc. I’ve experienced this type but have had more experience with the passive aggressive type which is much worse, IMO, because they can read the crowd and tone down their behavior so that they are likable. With this they can get others on their side and then use their position to subtly attack (take their underlying anger out on) those they perceive to be the weaker, insecure members of the group OR those they find threatening. This is easier to do with a crowd which is superficial and immature but some narcs and bpds get pretty good at adapting their behavior as they get older and expectations change. Of course, one on one, they are even more of a nightmare and can gaslight you if you aren’t abreast of what’s going on (this happened to me and it’s funny because at the time I viewed myself as a relatively strong woman who wasn’t going to be duped by a guy, lol). But, armed with knowledge (just read this blog & Natalie Lue’s) and self care and I think we can all spot this, get away from it and then, over time and with consistent practice, learn not respond to it or let it get under our skin.
THIS. This is awesome! That is all.
I don’t consider myself cured but I am definitely educated about the Narc and recognize him quickly—even people on T V—on talk shows— which is interesting. My brother in law is a big Narc!!! I must not be as confident as the author because like my ex husband narc who I have NO contact with, I find it easier to not engage with any narcs! Easier to walk away so I don’t have to WATCH the show. I find they will go to ANY length to discredit or besmirch an opponent. Somehow it puts me back into my unhealthy married relationship. So I guess it is actually a way to not reengage with ex-husband. My main goal in life. I have learned to protect myself. Thank God.
You’re absolutely right Jenny I would definitely endorse not engaging with a Narcissist. I was unfortunately stuck in an awkward social situation and I just was in a cheeky mood and decided to have a little fun with it.
Awesome! Congratulations! Sadly, I was raised by a father just like Brian. My mother was the passive, accommodating, victim and so was I an my family of sisters. I have spent a lifetime of serial monogamy going from one version of this to another trying to crack the code at great expense to my health and well being. I cutoff relations with my whole family 10 years ago because I couldn’t go back anymore and witness the ongoing abuse and manipulation or continue to be a victim myself. Since it is very systemic, it won’t stop until everyone in the family recognizes it and puts a stop to it. I don’t expect it to ever change, so I am concentrating on healing myself and my marriage which seems to be fairly healthy. Bless your heart for helping us shine a light on this subject! Cheers!
Hi Savannah
Another gt article! As a codependent who has been involved with a Narc for many years but now on a No Contact this is a powerful reminder of my disease – and of theirs. I too am now repulsed not attracted to this Narc behaviour but this is fragile and needs all my care and attention. Yesterday he left a voicemail and just hearing the same old same old left me feeling in shock. – and like the alcoholic avoiding the bar I think this will always be my reaction and which is a good one to have bec I am reminded there is nothing there and my well-being lies in my own hands.
Love Heather
I love this empowering article. I’m on the same team as you, Savannah.
Lol, nearly every encounter I had writ my ex for the entire two years that I started detaching from him ended with me poking him to make sure he was really a narcissist. I identified part of it as my fear that he would have been cured of narcissism and I wouldn’t have a good reason to leave him anymore. Every time he passed the narcissism test.
However I still have not achieved “no contact”. That is my next hurdle. I think I will report to you weekly as am AA meeting. “I am a co-dependent escaping from a narcissist and I have been no contact for one day.”
Hip Hip Hooray!!You did that for ALL of us! I can’t wait to get to the place you are in right now. I am almost there, and I can spot a Narc, but taunting one as a member of the “I know what you are about and you repulse me” team is going to be awesome.
KARMA gets them too. I heard my ex fiance’ Narc who destroyed me emotionally and psychologically before he left me for the new target, was forced to resign from his Police Chief’s position. That position was a MAJOR supply source and now its gone. I hope he is torturing her by now. If she hadn’t known about me and that she was a part of his cheating I would have mercy for her, but she did know he was engaged to me when she was sneaking around with him . I hope she isn’t surprised when he leaves their relationship the same way he came into it.