After my break-up many, many years ago, I accidently-on-purpose, came across the Facebook profile of my ex’s new woman. I remember at that moment turning into Joan Rivers, “What a hideous troll beast- oh gag me with a spoon- what is he thinking – how on God’s green earth did he choose her over me? Can we talk?”
Then I saw pictures of them together. They were both smiling and they looked really happy and in love. There were pictures of them hugging, you know the ones where their foreheads are touching – the ones that look so sweet and deeply intimate. There were even pictures of her hugging his mother – his mother….the same woman, who months earlier, thought of me as her daughter-in-law. I was beyond consolable. All I kept thinking about was how easy it was for him to replace me and how unfair it was that he was so happy and I was still so miserable.
The more I looked at her Facebook, the more upset I got, but I couldn’t stop looking. I was like a moth to the flame. How could this hideous troll beast, or HTB, as she came to be known, have stolen my man? I was baffled. I was angry, but mostly, I was in pain.
Through tears, I told my best friend all about it, and she tilted her head and gave me a wry smile, the kind of smile that you give to someone that’s simple. She spoke very slowly and clearly, and she said, “What you’re looking at – is – not – real.” She continued, “Do you honestly think that he’s a different person? He’s still the same guy, he hasn’t changed, and you should feel sorry for her.”
She pulled up some photo’s she had of me and my ex through the years, and low and behold – we were smiling and hugging and laughing.
“You look happy in this picture, but were you?” she asked.
“How about this one? I know you weren’t happy when this one was taken” I started to realize that perhaps it’s called posing for a reason.
I went home and gave that some more thought. Was she right? Was Facebook all an illusion? I pulled up my own page and looked closely at my profile. I looked great in all of my pictures – all my ugly ones never made it to my profile. Each photo that was there, was carefully chosen by me. My status updates were all positive affirmations and happy quotes. The reality of my life at that point was the complete opposite of what I portrayed on my page.
The truth was, I wanted my ex to look at my Facebook page and I wanted him to see how awesome I looked, how busy I was and how happy I was without him, the truth didn’t matter, only the perception.
I looked up another friend, who I knew was having trouble in her marriage. She had spent many evenings on my couch, with a bottle of wine, describing the nightmare she was living with her husband, but when I looked at her Facebook, all I saw were happy, happy pictures of the two of them – on vacation hugging and smiling – at a family event smiling – they looked so happy on the outside. So maybe, just maybe, there was something to this. Maybe Facebook wasn’t just a few snapshots of your life, maybe it was all a carefully crafted illusion that we all create. It’s an image, not of reality, but of exactly what we want others to believe about us.
So I started to think of HTB’s page again with a fresh perspective. Yes they were probably still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but at some point, she’ll have a fake smile just like mine.
Who knows maybe through some miracle, or divine intervention, he will be a different man for her. But he sure wasn’t the perfect guy for me. He was toxic to me and being rid of him was the best thing I could have ever done for myself.
I needed to remind myself of all of the things that I didn’t like about him:
- His weird, creepy relationship with his mother.
- His complete and utter disregard for me and my happiness
- The most horrible, and when I say horrible I mean hands down, the worst sex of my life
- How he’d always seek attention from people (really turned me off and made him look weak, needy and pathetic)
- How he had no heart – nothing sparked his passion or meant anything to him (except getting new supply)
- How he always talked about himself to everyone.
- How he was oblivious to how strange his behavior looked to other people.
- His OCD and all the odd behavior that went with that.
- His extreme selfishness.
- How he alienated me from all of the people that I cared about.
- His horrible hate filled outlook on life and how he hated everyone.
- How he could never take a joke. If he was insulted he would wait till he got home, then go on an insane rant about that person.
- His need to be taken care of. I really wanted a bit of an alpha-male – I like a guy that takes charge, not one that wants to act like an irresponsible child, with me always driving the apple cart.
Oh I could go on and on, but the bottom line is – this guy wasn’t for me. The Narcissist – codependent dynamic wasn’t even really relevant, because aside from that, we were so wrong for each other in every possible regard. I just refused to see it at the time. I wanted a man that would protect me and be a man and he was the emotional equivalent of a 4 year old. I wanted a man that was confident and outgoing – he was weak and full of insecurity.
When your partner cheats to be with you, I often wonder how easily you sleep at night and if you have the right to be upset if they do it to you. I suppose we all think that we are sooooo special and that it will never happen to us, and we of course believe all the crap they tell us, about their ex’s and how everything was all the ex’s fault, but would it really come as a shock to you, if your mate left the same way they came in?
So little Miss HTB can smile and show the Facebook world just how happy she is with her man. She and I both know the truth, that she inherited an emotionally stunted man/boy, who will never have a real intimate connection with anyone. She can have all of it.
Remember a Narcissist wants you to be pining for them. They derive some kind of sadistic pleasure just thinking about, how much pain they are inflicting upon their flock of admirers. They feed off of your pain, so don’t give them any.
Facebook is the perfect tool for a Narcissist, not only do they get to cyber stalk all their victims, and search for new ones, they also get to bask in how much agony you’re in, while all the while portraying the perfect, fake image and the perfect, fake life. Always remember, just because someone says its so – doesn’t make it so. And just because someone posts a picture of a happy life – doesn’t make it a reality.
So, the next time you’re thinking about cyber staking your ex, just remember, that what you are seeing isn’t reality. It’s only the image your Narcissist wants you to see. Rather than sitting there sulking, reflect on all the ways you weren’t happy and why the relationship didn’t work out and you’ll find the less time you spend looking at and thinking about what’s going on in their life, the more you’ll be living yours.
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Wow!
It’s been a year since I first read this article. I blocked him on the phone back in March 8, 2016! I had know idea what he was but his behavior got so bad I had to go and never come back no matter what. Looking back that was his finally discard. He wrote a blog on Reddit basically saying I made him an alcoholic which of course he knew I was reading! He talked about how great his life and miraculously went from drinking 5 nights a week to suddenly cured! I was crushed! I went to a counselor who was worthless. The only thing I got out of her was yes he created the blog for me and yes he knew I was reading and no I didn’t make him an alcoholic!
It was that blog he mentioned the new supply! It was then that I googled his behavior which I never had done before! Of course Narcissist Personaloty Disorder came up and this article. I spent months reading everything I could get my hands on. I knew he would be back. Sure enough after announcing the new relationship on April 25 all over Facebook he emailed me at work. I was watching the Facebook and I knew one day it would come. As soon as I got the email I printed and sent to a friend and the. Deleted!
I continued on with life and for about a month I got off Facebook. I was so crushed and no one understood that my brain had been scrambled. I took care of him and his 4 girls and asked for nothing in return. I bought him furniture and trips.. you all know the drill!
Another 6 weeks went on and he sent another email to work telling me he would give my furniture back. I deleted it again! This time I got on my Facebook and knowing hisnkids were watching I proceeded to lay out my own narrative.
I’ve never spoken to him! I did watch The Facebook as what I was looking for was validation. validation he was doing the same to her.
In the end I realize that one of my major problems I needed to fix. I needed to stop looking towards anyone else but God and myself for validation! This had always been missing from my Mom. Though very successful she spoke to me with disregard! I won’t accept that treatment from anyone! One by one I looked around and asked 2 things when observing people
1 Do they bring peace or chaos
2 are they connected to things or people
No matter what I will NOT allow anyone to say negative things to me. I calmly try ( not always successfully I might add) to correct that and say a positive about myself so that I don’t attach myself to the. What I’ve statement subconsciously!
I finally stopped looking at The Facebook! They got engaged. She posted it. They went to prep school together inuostate New York.Despite being her 50s, wealthy and from a great family she fell for the con man. I stopped being jealous last Summer! She was the one who posted the supposed engagement. He distanced himself from it immediately! The last I checked even after a month he had single and he continues the game.
I realize the behavior was about to get even more brutal last year if I had allowed him to speak to me or go back! Thank God I found blogs like this to formulate my plan! I realized looking back I had a lot to fix in myself. I still have a long ways to go.
I realized in the end it boils down to one thing-validation. They withhold knowing that is the key. They know how vital it is to them and they know to control us they keep it away! That’s why they hate to be ignored!
I assume comments are still welcome, even though this article was written a while ago. I have to say, you seem to hit the nail on the head on most points, but there are variables and differences in people, relationships, etc., that have to be taken into consideration. Your comment about not being surprised when someone cheats to get to another, and [possibly] leaves the lover, as you say, the same way they came in. Here is where this is not wholly accurate; cliche as it sounds, it is true that often in the mid-range of life, people do find themselves in a loveless marriage or union, and they meet someone unplanned, and love suddenly presents itself. If it is truly love, they do whatever it takes, even if they leave their marriages or long-term relationships to be with each other, and it will stick. I believe this is how real love manifests itself. It can be very messy if there are overlapping relationships, but the dust hopefully settles. This is not describing an affair; an affair is temporary, does not necessarily involve love or a desire to be in a real relationship with that person, and the existing marriage is still wanted to be continued. Love is an action word, after all. To take the chance, the risk to be with someone new at this stage? At least one party is committed to the relationship. But this is where the paths diverge; one person going towards a loving, “this is who I’ve been waiting for my whole life”, and the person, bored and irritable, going towards the door. And by the way, I will also point out that sexual orientation has nothing to do with the dynamics; change the gender and mostly all applies. It can’t work if one person is in love and the other is looking at this “relationship” as an affair. A pathological narcissist is male and female, and only interested in having affairs. 4 months seems to be their limit for energy. I was in love with a female malignant narcissist, and I am not using the terminology loosely. Ironically, this woman is a psychiatrist. An adolescent shrink, to boot. Terribly disordered, herself, and very clandestine about her illness. I won’t even go into how she handles her own children. Let’s just call it emotional abuse and leave it there. We knew each other in high school, and were reunited through FB (thanks a lot, FB) after about 30 some odd years. It all happened so fast, I still don’t know where I am 2 years later. Scorched earth is all I have left. She toyed with me, tortured me, maligned me to such a degree, I am permanently damaged. I am mid to late 50s, and I lost everything due to her mendacity and sadistic games. So, to get back to the original response to what you had said, I believe, based greatly in part on couples I have personally known through the years, who had left long-term marriages for someone else, and years later, they are still blissfully happy. Not a single day of regret for them. I thought that’s what I had found, and at the very beginning, I did. It was a lie. (You’d think by one’s 50s, none of this mind-fucking and game-playing would factor in, but it did). Age, gender, or religion have little to nothing to do with it. Politics and socio-economics, maybe. But as you described your relationship, it comes down to the same concentration of zero empathy, complete self-absorption, exploitation, miserliness, creepy relationships with certain members of their family of origin (in my case, it is her 12-year son. Yuck), chronic lying, cruelty for the sake of sport… I could go on, but you did a pretty good job. So, when I think of the people I’ve known, and many of them from my parent’s generation, who found utter happiness later in life as prior “adulterers”, I say you do not have to leave the way you came in. People leave other people all the time for the person they truly love, and it sticks. Clearly, you and I and everyone on this site have not had such luck. I left a 28 year relationship to be with her, and I am alone. She is better off now than she was before I met her. Before anyone pulls out the teeny violin, I will tell you that I had little to no control over much of what was happening. she lied with such ease, about everything, that I will go to my grave not knowing whether ANYTHING she told me was true, and I do mean anything.
Amy there is so much wrong with your comment I don’t even know where to start.
Thank you for this reply. Although all of our stories with narcs are different, they still share the same shadow quiete eerily.. They rush to call you their soulmate, tell you what you want to hear..the best part is there seems to be some normal, genuine, kind human behavior sprinkled in there so it takes forever to realize they are HORRIBLY toxic. Narcs/passive aggressives (mostly go hand in hand) are the worst kind of sociopaths you’ll ever know. It felt GOOD to read your one sentence..Because I am over mine and don’t want him back. I have so much peace in my life but torture myself peaking at his social media and the new supply’s..who happens to be a friend of a friend of mine which made it SO much harder..he either doesn’t care it got back to me or wants it to. I thought a MILLION times of reaching out to her to warn her and felt a lot of guilt for not doing it.
I am DEF over him but my LAST struggle is torturing myself seeing her profile (OH–and the wife he’s STILL legally married to who lives in her own apt)..I see the wife’s social media and this lady is so weak (but kind) and thinks this man is working out their marriage. They never filed..She has no idea he’s screwing tons of women behind her back and she cries over him constantly..then he sends flowers. I feel a special kind of bad for that woman because he keeps her hidden behind the scenes and doesn’t even allow her to move onto life. Each time she tries, it seems he dips in with romance.
It is a hot mess. Not only do I need to stop watching their stuff because it temps me to tip these women off, I need to stop watching because deep down I also know I want to see him fuck it up the way he did to me with her..and not because I want to see her in pain (I wouldn’t wish that on anyone)..but because it validates me..and validates it wasn’t me and he’s jacked up..but the weird part is..I ALREADY KNOW THIS. I think narcs screw with even the mostly highly esteemed women and cutting them off and moving on is like coming off heroin. YOu have to go no contact. I aced that. NOW, I have to remove his energy from my life and break this compulsive habit to tap my fingers and “peek” at their stuff and social media makes it so hard.
THANK YOU for the reminder. I have been doing tons of personal development and practicing gratitude and it has shifted my life. Life is SO much more beautiful without this man. NOW, I want to work on eliminating those stinging moments of bitterness where I think of all I did for him to screw me over with no remorse or guilt..GOD that’s hard..it’s not normal behavior so hard for me to process as a healthy human being. And the last part in doing so will be to STOP reminding myself of him completely by no longer looking at his social media or the wife’s or girls.
How long did it take you where you finally were able to go weeks or a month not looking? I know I’ll have more peace and stability in my life not looking and that by looking I actually stress myself out and it’s torture.
My N ex-bf started to behave in a very ridiculous way after he had discarded me.We were a LDR, most of our conversations went on Facebook via MSN.When I met him he was an ageing, decompensated narcissist with a lot of failures due to loss of his home, bankruptcy, divorce, loss of his family and his human extensions and his possessions, homelessness, loss of social and financial status… I was in this “relationship” for 8 months.When he started sensing I was not going to share my life with him and was on to him, he discarded me and began to act in a weird way on Facebook :he deleted almost everything from his FB profile back to year 2009,unfriended the majority of his 105 friends, removed all his personal data including his looong list of accomplishments (majority of them unreal),left only two posts, his profile photo and 8 friends.He left the profile open as “public”, but I suspect he is no longer active on it.Maybe he hopes to see how many people ( if any) are going to look for him, wonder what has happened to him, where he is…I found out he had created another account from which I had been blocked, however a friend of mine took a look at it and we nearly died laughing!Narc´s profile photo is a bad quality, blurred selfie, the same picture has been posted on his Timeline with his own “like” (LOL!)and the long list of his achievements has been moved from his old profile to the new one. Zero friends or posts. One family member – a daughter. Narc does not have a daughter, only three sons. The “daughter” is a woman who used to rent a room in Narc´s stepdaughter´s house.He is a complete idiot living in total delusion!
I completely agree and feel the same as far as the truth behind this post… I’m young and have recently been realizing how much of an N my ‘ex’ has been to me for many years too long…4. It hurts. Social media has always been a game in his mind, and he always uses this to get to me. Not with Facebook, but with Twitter… Favorites certain things that are obviously strategically thought and picked to show me that he’s “better of”, feeling good, not sad, etc. It is all a mask and all a fake, false lie. And it is so obvious to me. It does take a lot of strength and mental toughness to not look or let it get to you. But it truly does help that others agree that these things N’s pick and choose to post ARE NOT true and ARE NOT reality. I think we can all agree and smile to the fact that us as the victims are on a way better path, knowing that it takes pain to feel happiness, and you need to be honest with yourself and your feelings. Unlike these sad individuals
All of these accounts are so spot on, I have been through most of these situations described. FB is a perfect tool for a sociopath, because they can manipulate people very easily without being found out. My ex is now being very careful about his presence on FB because all of our mutual friends know the truth about him now and I have ton of stuff to prove that he was a piece of shit to me the whole time we were together and how much money I have spent on him during our two year relationship. And he is engaged to someone new now, so he knows all I have to do is message her some screen shots of our conversation and he will have a lot of problems in his relationship. He even got off FB for a bit just to let things calm down. I have him blocked though. One thing I never found any comfort in is to be looking through his page and seeing all the pics of his new gf. That stuff is beyond painful, why put yourself through that? In fact, every time I see his name or someone bring him up, my blood pressure goes up and I feel anxiety coming on. It really doesnt help you heal at all.
my N bf had 2 fb accounts. his old one before he met me and the one that had our pic as his profile. everytime i would friend someone i knew or worked with hed say “oh i see you became friends with so and so” i said yeah i know them so whats the point? hed say “whats good for the goose is good for the gander, remember that” with a devious tone and look. next day he was friending smoking hot girls that he didnt even know just to piss me off. he friends these girls so he can masterbate to their pics in the bathroom and probly stalking them to see if there relationship is troubled so he can be the knight in shining armor. we got into huge fight about fb cuz he put me and all of our mutual frinds in a catergory that we couldnt see what he was doing, didnt even show he was in a relationship with me but still had our pics on his page..didnt make sense? MINDGAMES!!!! so he deactivated his account while i was on the phone with him asking why im blocked (called his bluff) so he got pissed and it was gone and he demanded i delete mine too. i said im not the one with 2 accounts and im not on there anyway. i said than delete your old account too.. he says he didnt know his password to get into it….BULLSHIT! every account is set up thruogh email. he thinks im stupid but WRONG i will keep playing the dumb blonde till i get all my eggs in a basket and hop HAPPILY down the road. my friend was pushing his buttons couple weeks ago and sent him friend request on his old account and all of a sudden he remembered his password and deleted it and accused me of having my friend try to spy on him…lol wow..and he calls me crazy?! He’s BATSHIT CRAZY, SPRINGLED WITH PSYCHO DUST! So now theres no more FB and hes been including me as his statue to jerk off to, wow that makes me feel so special..NOT! tells me to bend over so he can starer at my ass while he rubs one off. well at least hes pleasuring himself to me and not to them.. well im catching onto his bullshit through reading this website that i ABSOLUTELY AM GRATEFULL for and he rubbed one off in the bathroom before getting in shower. Must of found another supply on his phone that he carrys with him everywhere! wont leave that phone out of his site, hiding something on it, and i will find out! he has his work phone and i found another phone hidden under his work phone in some papers in his work truck. player phone..My friends say he is really good at this…a real PRO! cant wait to find a way out!!!!
Because my ex N is so private and would never involve himself with FB (thought it was ridiculous and a way to hook up…) I don’t go looking for him there. I’m sure if I had access to his laptop on a day to day basis when we were together, my head would spin now. I never thought he would cheat on me (because he always said that’s the one thing he would never do… even thought he could admit he was a mother f-cker as times) however, looking back his behavior in situations bodes something all together different. My son just told me he showed him a picture of a naked woman on his computer one day, and he sometimes would walk around the house with his drawers dropped exposing his bare ass to me and my 2 boys. He has a very successful business so he’s not the dead beat type at all. I was a stay at home mom with the kids, and he used his position as head of the household and money to control me. Getting to the mother issue now. His mother does his book keeping for the business (I no knowledge of anything in his world) and they talk all the time. She lived 14 hours away from us and would visit once or twice a year (staying sometimes 2 or 3 weeks at a time…. which wore on my nerves at say the least. agghhh!) We would end up in huge arguments out of the stupidest shit and I would be left a crumbled mess afterwards. He so super smart, manipulative, and cunning. Anyway, my father had passed away and his mother came to look after my youngest boy while I was away at my father’s funeral. Once I returned, my ex N and his mother approached me about coming to live with us. I almost died all over again. I tried to act kind, but indicated to my ex that I thought that was something maybe we should talk about privately; as I was astonished that he would discuss this with her behind my back. Let’s just say he could tell I was bothered and used that as his next excuse to devalue and torture me. Long story short, 2 months later, he called the cops on me (over NOTHING… all lies) and I am now out of HIS house and he has already built a small quaint house directly behind his garage (within 25 paces) for his mother to move into. I am sick, shocked and repulsed. This is the 4th time he’s thrown me out (and that last I might add) but there was always a custody battle at stake. I feel as though he planned this to get rid of me and have his mother there to help him raise our little boy. I was an attractive, hard working, fun loving girl when we began dating. I could see in his eyes how much he adored me at first (his new supply – I know), but now I’m broken, insecure and feel not the outgoing got it together girl.) I know he’s fake, but his admirers think he’s the greatest guy, provider, and so interesting to be around; which he can be. Guess I’m just looking for insight on “what happened to me” and what is up with his wanting his mother so close in his life. He is 45, successful and she is 72 and always willing to do his bidding.I feel like this woman stole my “shitty” life, crazy as that sounds.. Makes me nauseous. Please help … I’m venting and hurting. I am on my own now, with no job and scared. Just like he likes me.
I didn’t know there was such a term as cyber-stalker until I started doing it. She’s on FB A LOT but, her pics and posts were all I had left and I took some kind of bizarre comfort in seeing her art or listening to her music selections. Then one day I opened her page and there was a man – jesus what’s HE doing there???????????????? It’s a long time since I’ve felt that horrible sinking feeling – like you’re going to throw up but your stomach is empty so you just dry heave…just like when I got rejected as a kid – the song remains the same with slightly different lyrics..I walked away and did something else and reopened the page and this time there was no man. I decided I’d imagined it and actually convinced myself I was just over-reacting from the stress of the loss of the relationship (the relationship that never was.) Later in the day I came back and there he is again – his picture is all over the place and there they are in the pub rubbing noses looking soooo happy. There’s even a pic of her sitting astride a motorcycle – a really big one too. …and she’s wearing thigh-length boots but claimed when she was with me that she didn’t have any – unless she went out and bought them especially for this. And she’d asked me to take her out on a bike – but never followed through and asked me to join her on holiday – but never followed through. So I go further and folow a lead into his account. Now I’m really panicking – he’s sooo good looking and he’s from her country so none of the communication problems we had – and he’s 13 years younger than me AND he’s a musician I see. I think if someone had handed me a gun I’d have shot myself I felt so inadequate, lacking and lost. How the hell can I compete with this. One of their pics gets over 50 likes. She’s even getting likes from the other men I knew wanted her and kept writing on her posts. She’s a stunning looking woman with an impossible figure that you only see drawn in lads magazines. She serenades him like she used to do to me – except this time it’s public or as she says, “it’s like a toilet here – everyone can see it!” I sleep badly that night and every hour or so check to see what other pics have been posted. None but the tagging and likes keep adding. She takes some selfies but, curiously the camera does lie and I notice there are some lovely pics of them but there are also some really bad ones making them look not quite so handsome/pretty. I tell myself I wouldn’t care if I was where he is. A few days later I notice the posts have attracted comments from her other admirers saying things like, “wasn’t I good enough for you?” or what a lucky man or whatever so we men are all hurting..Then I notice the other men start “liking” the pics and end up friending the lucky man who won her heart – isn’t that curious – or sad? A friend advised against this saying it was unhealthy – toxic and I must desist. The last time I looked at her page and there was no activity in 48 hours. You know what my new anxiety is..? That she might have deleted me – the final nail in my coffin. Or if there’s no activity does that mean they are swinging from the chandelier – or she’s spending MUCH more time with him than she’d spend with me. Seems like I can’t win either way. Tortured soul. Thanks for a great ‘site. “I now have all of the answers, but none of the solutions.” (Me, a long time ago. )
I came across your blogs. It has been a Godsend. My Ex Narc was cheating on me with his Step cousin. He has moved into her beautiful home 3 hours away from his kids. He recently bought our child an extravagant toy that my child will outgrow in a year or two. He doesn’t have a Fakebook account and I can not find one on her. I did do some snooping online and saw the beautiful house they live in.
I started getting upset thinking maybe he got himself together. Maybe she really is the good one as his mother said. This blog just reminds me that he can insert new victim but he is still the same, selfish lazy individual. He wanted a mommy. I got tired of the disappearing acts, The Mr. Mom routine because he doesn’t want to work. I have to believe and hope that I will find love again. I threw him out last year for a reason and things because physical at the end. He still told me he loved me and wanted to raise our child together. Your blog just reminded me that he wanted to just have access to the old supply while he continued working on the new supply. I started working out again and looking good again. I looked so old when I was with him. Once I saw him with her, all the old feelings of low self worth came back up. I have been obsessed over him all over again. I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that I still feel hurt and pain. It hurts to know that he could just move on from me and our beautiful child. I shouldn’t be surprised, he has done it to his other kids mom. Women are a means to an end. She is just the next victim enjoying the honeymoon phase.
@Happilyfree — it really struck a chord with me that you said you looked so old when you were with your N.
The same thing happened to me. Because of stress, my N’s drinking and his downright selfishness, I was not getting enough sleep before work nor sleeping through the night. I don’t have children, but after living my N I think I have a fair sense of what it’s like to have an infant to care for. I also now understand why sleep deprivation is used a form of torture.
I saw a photo of myself that my friend took while I was with my N. I looked like SHIT and though I had aged by five or more years!!! I am still fairly young but being with him made me look SO haggard. Emotionally I was also terrible — not having enough sleep made me so bitchy and awful to be around. I was constantly crying and having break downs — I was simply just SO TIRED.
A couple of week after I kicked my N out, I went and saw a long-time friend. He said that I looked GREAT. My skin was glowing. I had lost weight. He had asked what changed, what I had done so differently.
“I’ve been sleeping through the night. That’s it.”
Not only are these Ns bad for our health, emotions, happiness and bank accounts, they are terrible for our LOOKS and basic needs!!!
We were “friends” longer than we dated. I mistakenly thought being friends I would be treated better, respected. As you can imagine the friendship was very one sided. Only calling when he needed something, usually money, which I was dumb enough to lend him when I still thought he was just Mr. Misunderstood who needed a break. It was like feeding a stray cat. I had to go NC to stop the pleas for financial assistance. It’s been 3 mos. I too have been struggling with images posted on social media but not because of jealousy. The intimacy we had was brief, infrequent, one-sided and not great despite his countless stories of past sexual exploits.
I can see how the question “has he changed?” can plague the mind. In my case, I have proof the answer is no. But what may be closer to to truth is that they have two faces. One for you (discarded supply) and one for the new supply. The images on SM I came across were hers NOT HIS. She is the historian of this romance and it looks picture perfect and appears to have been going for almost a year and looks idealic. I thought how can this be? How could he keep up the happy face for so long? He couldn’t keep together at all with me. Every outing was uncomfortable. Sometimes he’d be manic talking to everyone, invading their space, he became angry easily and then would sink into depression. A night out never ended well. It “appeared” she hadn’t seen any of this. At least not yet. I kept looking at the images searching for a sign that he was cracking. But who is going to post that?
I had to come down to earth and realize that all I know is what I know and what I know came out of his mouth and from his behavior. Before initiating NC we met up as friends do. During that meeting he revealed a few things. He said they’d only been “together” for a few months (I’m sure she thinks it’s been longer). He tol her he would continue to keep friends (like me, although unlikely I will ever meet her). He didn’t like her friends. He only has two friends besides her. When I asked what she was like, what she did, what kind of things they do together, he didn’t gush the way people do in new relationships. He didn’t call her by name. He sai the have sex. What a glowing review! Later he said he had plans with her but was thinking of ditching and hanging out with me. I said no that would be rude and he laughed and said yeah that would be mean.
A few days later he called depressed talking about hurting himself. I consoled him, talked him down though he wouldn’t say what he was depressed about. The following week he called asking for money. He was desperate, would be out on the street, etc. It was this request and the ones that followed (all of which I refused) that led to NC.
All this happened while he is in this “idealic” relationship. While all these loved up happy images are being posted.
So, did he change? You be the judge. Thanks for this post it really strck a cord for me. As with the relationship with the narc, no contact takes a huge amount of effort on our part especially in our current society. Good luck, good life and stength to everyone out there going through this.
Thank you for this article and blog! I’ve been married to my NC for a little over 5 years. But I’m starting to realize all of those years were a complete lie. Last year we separated. I had a feeling he had someone else, but no hard evidence. He was in an accident about 3 months after our split and contentiously begged for us to work on our family and to have another baby. My friends would tell me he was living with someone else, and I did believe them, but I needed to see/know for myself, not just talk. Well, in Jan. he moved back home unexpectedly. Things were ok for a while, but as I was busy with school, our daughter and work I gave him little to no attention so he moved back with the woman he had been with. Although he stopped sleeping at my place in June, he kept many of his things with me. Well, in July his sister came to visit (he’s not from the US) and his attitude completely changed. He started acting out and even made my daughter not want to be around him. He started picking fights with me and then threatening to call the police (even one time pretended to when I tried moving him out of the door way so I could close the door to get away from him). Well, in all the years of being with him, I’ve never gone through his things. Well as things got worse between us, I did. And oh boy I found out everything I needed to know. Come to find out, this woman paid for his car, his cell phones, his laptop, his root canal and anything and everything in-between. To this day, he still denies being with anyone and tells me he’s staying with our friend, but I know that’s not true. About a month ago he got real nasty and started pushing and threatening to hit me with his cane all in front of my daughter and his sister (who did nothing). I didn’t realize how traumatic that was to my daughter until after he left. Two weeks later he was pissed at me and broke my kitchen aid mixer (I love to cook) and removed the rest of his things. I was done. I called the police, filed a police report, changed my locks, installed a security system and filed a restraining order on him that only allows for supervised visitation. I’m now waiting for our court date, but I’m scared of his actions and repercussions of what I did. I’m not trying to keep our daughter from him, but his actions have caused me to look at the example he is setting for her and me as well. After serving him. I felt guilty. I felt sorry for him. While showing a friend a picture of the gf on FB she pointed out that the woman favors me a lot. But she’s not me. Come to find out she dated one of my co-workers/friends and I’ve heard she has low self esteem. I try not to compare myself to her, but it’s hard because all of his family (whom I’ve never met in person) have come to visit since he’s been living with her and it kills me. I’m trying so hard to move on and better myself as a person. He met me in a time where I was weak, but I know I’m much stronger than even he knows. Now I just have to move forward with the divorce and fight to ensure my daughter is with me most of the time…
Fakebook – that characterization is spot on.
I have run across a few Ns who have utilized Facebook in that manner, and I honestly find overuse of FB to be highly unhealthy. It is correlated with a higher rate of depression, no?
Anyway, I had not thought of one of my N exes (the long-term one) for a while. I had the itch to look at his blog, more because he has some photos which he took when we were together, than an urge to keep tabs on him. I see he has a new relationship – great for him. It’s easy for him to get into a relationship, as he is charming and handsome and has a very compelling, sexy career which involves long periods of travel (it’s easier to date someone if you don’t have to see them more than 2 weeks a month). It’s more difficult to imagine the reality of his relationship being more successful than his failed previous relationships. I think back to all the details:
emotional manipulation;
lying about his intentions with our relationship and stringing me along;
his short period of narcissistic enchantment with me which was quickly followed by constant criticism about my clothes, my weight, hair, teeth (the list goes on);
his extreme untreated ADHD which led him to cycle endlessly through expensive hobbies;
his spendthrift nature which my family comment on (he made good money but was always wasting it on man-toys);
his arrogance which drove my friends away from him;
his lazy torpor periods when he was on leave from work and contributed little effort to our household…
Yes,FB and blogs paint a picture that the author seeks to display to the world. Those who really know the person can see through the facade.
Thank you so much for this article. My X Narc contacted me and wanted to go out. I told him I had plans. He made it sound like he was going to a bar for the first time. Like he hadn’t been with anybody for the year we have been apart. I knew something was up and I checked his FB. There were pictures of him with his new supply. She wrote about true love. I have been sick for days, even though I know he is still not satisfied. Why else would contact me? I have been devastated, crying all day, barely able to function and then I read your article. Thank you for making me see. I am keeping my nickname of Bobblehead for her because her hair looks like a huge helmet, but I’m moving” on thanks to you. Beast, Pdid16
I’ve never felt the need to stalk his online profiles.
I have noticed though that he has been stalking mine.
He would send a ”nice” e-mail we would start talking, an argument would eventually and inevitably ensue, he’d start throwing around insults and disappear and then after a period of months would reappear with no apologies or explanations. This time he disappeared for six months and one day I saw that he had been snooping on my LinkedIn profile. So during this silent treatment he’s been stalking me online. When I asked him why he did that he claimed he was ”just curious and not to get any ideas” and went on to say that he was sick of ”my shit/drama”. Did I mention that he tried to make me jealous on LinkedIn by saying that ”all the ladies love my profile pic”. He’s acting inappropriately and yet claims I’m the one with the issues! This is someone who once used to bombard me with communication (e-mails, text messages, phone calls) and always played the charming, loving, romantic, fun boyfriend. His behavior since 2009 (we met in 2008, the relationship was long distance from 2009 to 2014) was incoherent. A mix of I love and miss you with your a crazy, dumb, bitch. Hot and cold. Really irresponsible, inconsiderate, self-serving, cowardly behavior from him and he’s in his 40’s (8 years older than me). Anyway, the point is despite months of not communicating, years of not seeing each other face to face and his claims that I’m crazy and stupid HE’s stalking me online. I mean when does it end? I ask this question especially when I consider the fact that he’s most definitely NOT the type to be without a woman in his life.
Savannah, thank you for this article. I have just come out of a relationship similar to the one you were in, and I related so strongly to your words. This article has just made my day.
My ex husband is a Narcissist and seemed asexual. After 22 years of marriage a sexless marriage I found out he is gay. He wanted out of the marriage after 22 years and the only reason he gave was he needed to go find himself. I needed answers. While our divorce was pending word came to me that he made sexual advances to a man I know. When I confronted him he broke contact. It has been 2 years with NC. I have a question. Do you know if Narcissism and homosexuality is common?
What a great article. Very inspriational and spot on! As for looking for my ex on FB or anywhere else I would never do. I have worked so hard to rescue myself and rise above the madness, I could never even get close to any snooping. For myself, it was always that I did not want to see, did not want to hear, did not want to know. When he discarded, that was enough for me. Incidentally, still 18 months free and counting he still tries to contact me at my job. I can never do crazy again. Thank you for your article! It’s a blessing!
I find so much comfort from this website Savannah. Thank you! It was this site that actually made me realize that my ex was not well.
Today is the first day since the break, where I can honestly say that I have moved on. I know that writing here might signal something else, but I just feel that I need to let others know that there is light on the other side. I have spent the past 3 months in excruciating pain. I’ve been so angry that I was afraid of myself at times. I have struggled to make sense of it all. For me personally, it has been the discard that hurt the most. Or so I thought. When I started analyzing my pain and breaking it down, I realized that the discard itself was just another humiliation of many that I had endured over time. It was the final straw, so to speak. I had conveniently suppressed so many other minor discards along the way, and being able to see things from a different perspective, I had to acknowledge that I had actually been discarded throughout most of our relationship apart from that first time, when everything was honky dory, making myself believe that those precious moments would magically reoccur and allowing myself to be abused while waiting for it to happen. I have also discovered that I don’t even like the guy. I fell in love with an illusion and would I be given the chance to go back, I would not be able to. Now, the mere thought of him makes me feel sick inside; his voice, his eyes, his demeanor. All these things give me the creeps. Just 3 short weeks ago, I longed for him and couldn’t move on. Now I shiver at the thought of him, and I hurry to think of something else to get away from the memory. I believe that is a sign that my subconscious has finally gotten the message. I have survived the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I am at a loss as to how I could even feel anything for this person in the first place. This man does not have anything on offer that I would like to accept. He is a sorry, lonely being who will feel forever lost in life. I now know that I am superior to him in every way possible. He never deserved me and me being free of him is a blessing. Just remember that painful endings sometimes are disguised as beautiful beginnings. In my case this is true. Being without him in my life is only positive. I never want to go back to that place again, I would hate myself for it, and the only love affair I need right now, is the one I am having with myself. Good luck to all of you on your path to recovery!
Well said Firstdayout!!!!
I admire all of you guys for being so brave to look at the ex narc’s and new gf’s fb. I have been NC for almost 4 months now and it has been so hard as you all know. We work at the same place and I blocked their fb profiles from mine. At 40 day of NC, a “friend” opened their profiles and it was like a stab in the stomach – the gf had this big pic of them kissing, and her profile pic was of them all smiley together… All this time I have been learning so many things on websites like this excellent one, I’m on therapy also, but the fb issue has been one of the most difficult to deal with- I even haven’t been able to delete the few pics of both of us that I have in my profile and you know why? because I haven’t had the courage to open the pics to delete them…the fact that I have to open the picture and see him, see my “in love” face (but you’re right! our faces were supposedly smiling and soo in love, but inside we got that horrible gut feeling that things were not normal…!) again full size, even for that only second before deleting …I still can’t do that, I feel so bad for this , so bad for having pics of “him” there, even now.
As I mentioned, I have both of them blocked but this is not very helpful in my case, since they both are constantly -almost every day- showing up here at work, doing those narc kind of things – absurd and childish things like “casually” getting on the same bus in the afternoon, walk beside my workplace to brag about her engagement ring (can you believe that?), meet up “casually” at the same time I go out late one evening from work and kiss and hug right on my face-
Anyway,I haven’t been able to write about all this if it wasn’t for the support I have found at this website and your comments. Now I know I am not the only one going through all this.
Everything was the same except for the bad sex. Maybe lack of sex – but when it was there “WOW”….anyway….all you had to say was “the freaky relationship with his mom” and bingo – I laughed with complete recognition.
THANK YOU . TWO OF MY EXS WERE NARS. MY SON AND SISTER AND I JUST BROKE IT OFF WITH A GUY THAT IS. I ATTEND A CO-DEPENDANT SUPPORT GROUP. IT HAS BEEN VERY HEALING AND HELPFUL And HELPFUL IN HELPING ME UNDERSTAND WHY I WAS DRAWN TO THESE KIND.
That was spot on Savannah. She even looks like his mother and has the same crumby control issues.
We live in the same small town, my house is only about a block from his which means his dog shows up on a regular basis. In fact the same time every month. Think is my ex’s way of checking up on me. He has to come pick her up because she wants to live with me. Annoys the wife something awful….LOL.
I do get a ringside glimpse into their life. He pulls the same stuff on her as he did, maybe worse because I would not get married and could go to my house if my gut was telling me something was off.
He was behaving badly before I had breast cancer, worse after so I moved out. What a small little man he is.
Hmmm. Delete my whole facebook accouont. Drop out of “existance.” Not a bad idea. Even though he is not on facebook, I do find it to be fakebook because I never talk about anything real, haven’t changed my marital status because I don’t want any “Why did you leave HIM?” messages from acquaintances. Remember, Narcissists are charming from the outside. Deep breath. Here I go!
35 yrs married,its hell going thru a divorce and having to live in the same house.im on pills for my anxiety,which is bad at the moment.gaslighting,taking credit cards,rail tickets,car keys the list goes on….but this last thing..is he has taken every photograph in the house,pc.everything.its killing me.its like because im divorcing him,he is goingt o wipe me out of the family.i have been abandoned by everyfamily member and friend.i cry everyday……he wont supprt me,dont work because of my anxiety..that he caused…my family cant hate me anymore than i hate myself for allowing this to happen to me.but back then we didnt have a name for i…marilyn
It’s not just social media. Last evening I rearranged the furniture in my living room, seeking to make MY space. (Yes, very healthy.) However, I moved the hutch, and in the bottom of the hutch were 25 years worth of family photos–almost all of those taken by me and our daughter and many with him (but none that he took with me and our daughter) and they were all happy photos. I mourned for the happiness that I once had–and wondered, why don’t I just get it back again–and then remembered again the feelings behind those lovely family photos and journals. They were taken by a woman who was hurting inside, who was always trying to make a “normal” family. One particular birthday party said nary a bad word, but well do I remember him being in a totally funky mood and not even coming to my daughter’s 2nd birthday supper. Wouldn’t talk to me. Life was horrible (for him) and it was “MY fault.”
How true your words, “She pulled up some photo’s she had of me and my ex, through the years, and low and behold – we were smiling and hugging and laughing. “You look happy in this picture, but were you?” she asked. “How about this one? I know you weren’t happy when this one was taken?” And I realized that last evening and I put the photos neatly away and neatly arranged the hutch in it’s new place and continued boxing his stuff and piling it at the door . . . . . 🙂
Love the article, and I continue to wonder why he married my replacement.
Like you, I saw their pictures on FB, dumpy,old lady. I call her the Troll.
Can you explain this?
We are all older, but I’m told that I am attractive, my ex is too, but looks were always important to him. Why did he chose this!
That’s an easy one Sam. My ex wanted to be taken care of he wanted a mommy. She treated him just like mommy did – told him how amazingly wonderful he was – blew sunshine up his butt constantly. Frankly I want a man not a child – she can have him.
Hi All,
I too loved this blog however, I have to admit that I am having a bit of a rough day today.
My relationship with the narc ended two years ago. There was no contact for 2 full tears until bam! Almost 2 years to the date, he sent me a text. Curiousity got the best of me and I responded. I am mad at myself for doing so but i cannot harp on this, I have to move on. I will tell you that he text me to make sure I was doing well and to make sure I knew that he was engaged to be married. He is getting mariied this December and guess what? He is getting married the same day, year, honeymoon destination etc that he planned with me. He is also moving into a newly built home that we designed together. My heart was broken. He could have at least changed the details but then again, what should I expect from someone like him. He went on to tell me how happy he is with his new fiance. BTW she is 14 years his junior and 8 years my junior. I have no other details about her since he was unwilling to share anything and I have not asked around either. Some days I want to know and other days I don’t. So, I assumed he was happy and that he now loves his new life. A strange thing happened though while we were texting back and forth. He refuses to talk about our relationship at all. There was never any closure, no reason why he ended things etc. nothing! So, he won’t talk about our past but he will talk about our intimate times together. He likes to go into details about it and how much he misses it etc. Wait a minute!! Isn’t this the same guy that is getting married in December and is so thrilled because he finally found his one true love????
My education about narcs tells me that he is not happy. He will never be happy. A man engaged to be married does not contact an ex every two weeks to text her about their intimacy. He is setting me up to be the OW or he is using a form of triangulation to make his fiance jealous. Whatever he is doing, it is not going to work. I have blocked him from everything! I want nothing to do with him whatsoever!!
Now, if I could just get it into my thick skull that he is not truly happy and that he in fact is the same asshole with his fiance that he was with me!! I keep thinking she is getting this special treatment. My friends tell me all the time that special treatment does not consist of texting an ex to talk about sex!! And they are right but why do I have a hard time really having this set in?
Is his claimed happiness fact or fiction?
Christine
I think the question you need to ask yourself is – Would you like to be the fiance of a man that texts other women to talk about sex? Hell no. You know how despicable he behaves – you know the cruelty he’s capable of. Just think back to when you were his primary victim – you can never relax with a guy like this. Imagine if you actually did get back together with him, you’d always be waiting for the shoe to drop. You’d be an anxious wreck. People who have compulsive behavior start out bit by bit – at first he’ll text or chat online with another woman – then he’ll meet up for drinks – next thing you know he’s having a full blown affair.
The only difference between you and the new woman, is you already know this guy has serious problems and can’t be trusted – his new victim doesn’t and when she does find out – it won’t be pretty. Don’t make contact again and wean yourself off of him. You know you have a problem when 2 years have gone by and a brief reappearance has you all flustered again. No contact is the only way for you. You need to drop him like a bad habit, because that’s what he is.
@Sam – This is a VERY superficial thing that I’m about to type. At the end of this post you’ll see why I’m saying it.
My ex N had above average good looks. I’m no supermodel, but I’m definitely not unattractive, either.
I found out my N was in contact with a woman that was a part of his online harem. He always ran to her in-between relationships. He lied to me about sleeping with her and what she had meant to him. I don’t know why, but I had this image in my head that this woman looked like Charlize Theron. I was hurt, jealous and was devastated.
I’m not proud of this, but I did some Facebook stalking, and I discovered that she must have weighed about 250 to 300 pounds. Now, you can be big and pretty (thin does not mean beautiful). This will sound evil, but there really wasn’t anything about her that I found attractive. Her face was unfortunate. She looked like a man and as though she had horn implants on her forehead.
THIS was the woman who was such a threat to me? That my N kept in contact with? That my N even tried to COMPARE me to? WTF?
I then dug deeper and discovered this woman had given my N money. She sent him poorly written sappy poems expressing her undying love. She told him all the time how special he was. BARF. I would not be surprised if they were together now.
A man who knew my N since high school told me one afternoon that I didn’t need to worry about this, and there was a big reason for me to NOT feel less than. “You’re the best-looking woman he ever had. TRUST ME,” the friend told me. “You were out of his league. He will never, ever find a woman like you, ever again.” This friend actually showed me a few photos of my N’s exes prior to me. Let’s just say I have no kind words, and that I seeing their photos made ME feel like Charlize Theron in comparison.
I’m sharing this to let you know it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with looks. Our ex Ns need supply. There’s a high chance these women will have very low self esteem or be seriously broken themselves.
You really nailed it (as usual) with this column, Savannah! Fakebook indeed. And you should see the pictures of my ex’s new supply. She’s in great shape but her face is so hard looking. Luckily for me they both have their FB privacy settings configured so that I can only see profile pics (nothing else). That is, when the curiosity overwhelms me and I unblock them long enough to look. I’m also guilty of reading my ex’s Twitter feed now and then, but I’m doing it less as time goes by (almost 4 months now).
Like you, I keep a “crime sheet” of all of the horrible things he did while he was with me to remind me why I should not be jealous of her. My list includes some real dandies such as sleeping & showering with his 9 year old son whenever they were together, using every one of my friends who offered him any kind of professional assistance with his business, regularly “forgetting” his wallet whenever we went out with friends, not repaying me for his share of a cruise we went on together or all of the Christmas gifts I bought for his family last year since he was too busy to shop for them himself. And the list goes on… The only difference between your list and mine is that our sex life was pretty amazing. Not perfect (because it often felt like carnal sex rather than love making) but still something I miss.
The good news is I can see myself beginning to recover by looking back through my journal, though it is a long, slow process. Reading your blogs certainly makes the journey more pleasant and hopeful. Thank you!
Awesome! Great Job! I went through the same exact thing and came up with thr same exact conclusion.
I love, love LOVE that you call it “Fakebook,” because that’s exactly what it is!!!
After I left my N, I did the drastic thing by deleting my account entirely, that way I’m just not tempted to log back in and look him up, and he has no way to see what I’m doing and who with.
On another note, I must say that I like not being on Facebook. I like that no one knows what I’m up to or what I’m doing. I’ve also noticed that since I deleted my account, my faraway friends and I have been emailing and calling each other more, so we’re not missing out on the other person’s life. I like and prefer this old-school (and normal) way of keeping in touch with my loved ones.
And you are so very, very right about how our social media pages are carefully curated to reflect what we want people to see. On our Fakebook pages, my ex and I looked SO happy. He always posted photos of the fancy events and restaurants we went to (which we went to because of my job),so it looked like we were both living this adventurous life and it appeared that we had more money than we really did.
It was SUCH a facade. No one saw posts of him drinking can after can of Coors Light and playing video games all day long. I never updated my status telling the world that my N refused to go to the beach or anywhere fun with me. I didn’t take photos of my credit card bills, reflecting the debt that incurred while I was supporting his lazy ass and share them on my newsfeed. Nor did I take any videos of him berating me, showing off to others and just talking about himself. Nope. I looked “happy” in every single on of my pics. But the smiles were fake. You could tell by the look in my eyes that I was not smiling. My childhood friend and others who knew me really, really well saw right through my Fakebooking bullshit.
I don’t think I’m going to go back on Facebook, for a variety of reasons. Life before the Fakebook wasn’t so bad, I don’t need it now.