Scapegoat:  The problem child, or the trouble maker in the family. They stand out from their Golden Child and Peace Keeping siblings, because they speak out, or act out – they bring awareness to the dysfunction in the family, intentionally or unintentionally, rather than deny, or avoid, as the others choose to do. They are the only emotionally honest ones in the family and as such, they are the recipient of the Emotionally Abusive Parent’s ire. The family then labels this child as the bad one, or rebellious one and they receive the brunt of the disdain, blame and responsibility for the family’s issues.  They serve as the cause of the family strife, a needed distraction for the other family members, keeping them from acknowledging the real problems within the household.

My brother has a decent job with the government, his wife is an architect. They have an expensive house, situated in a posh part of town. They have a couple of kids, new cars, designer clothes – the best of everything. By all accounts they are a complete success.

“Until we make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” – Carl Jung

Why do we keep going around and around on the same relationship merry-go-round, when we already know what’s coming and we have every reason to get off? Many people are stuck in relationships they know they shouldn’t be in, relationships with dysfunctional, emotional manipulators, that drain them of their energy, tap their resources and leave them feeling used and abused.

“I don’t want to be in another relationship….ever.” This is one of the most common statements I hear from clients, as they move forward in their healing and that makes sense. Who would want to engage in something that was so painful and traumatic?

“Self-sabotage is like a game of mental tug-of-war. It’s the subconscious mind vs the conscious mind, where the subconscious usually wins.” – Bo Bennett

I made a decision several months ago that I wanted to get a few things accomplished this year. I can recall stages throughout my life where I had made similar decisions and declarations. Those decisions would spur me into action and I would experience some initial success, but then something would happen that would throw me off track. I would feel strong emotions that would knock me out of the zone, my Codependency would kick in and I’d start to do and think things that would sabotage my progress.

My 60-year-old aunt said, as she took my teenage hands in hers, “Look at her hands.” I looked down at my hands, then at hers. Her hands were covered in age spots. They were dry, and dehydrated-looking and the skin looked thin, like it was stretched too tightly over her veins. I had the young, firm, dewy hands of youth and it never dawned on me that someday, I too, would have age spots and dry, crepey skin.

Most of our behaviors and motivations are subconscious. We don’t think too much about where our thoughts and feelings come from, we just experience them as they come. As Codependents, we often have reactions that are either way over the top or are not in sever or appropriate to the situation.