Just follow your heart or the heart wants what it wants are phrases that get tossed around a lot, and it’s almost exclusively used to defend dysfunctional or toxic relationships. Selena Gomez had a hit song out entitled, The Heart Wants What it Wants. Halsey has a song out called, Bad at Love, where she describe the toxic relationship choices she’s made – as if love is to blame.
It’s easier to blame things outside of ourselves for the choices we make. It’s loves fault – my heart wanted him or her. It wasn’t me, it was my heart. These songs are beacons of broken behavior, not songs of empowerment or support.
These songs that the broken parts of us relate to. They sound great and boy they have a great beat. The problem is we grove into their energy. They give us permission and allow us to stay in relationships that aren’t serving us and dwell on our pain and hopelessness.
The truth is, they’re not a valid excuse or reason to stay. They are a blazing sign that the user of such a phrase is weakened mindfully and emotionally. It’s an assertion of a lack of discipline, self-control and sometimes a seemingly nicer way of saying, “I’m throwing my integrity and my own will out the window”. We always have to be mindful of what we allow ourselves to wallow in. The more we permit these beliefs the more pain is in store for us.
The heart wants what the heart wants implies a lack of control and a reasonable thought process. It implies admission to “I’m weak” and somehow okay with that. But you shouldn’t be contented with such a notion for yourself. If you don’t stand strong for your own self-esteem, who will?
Here’s a fact – the heart doesn’t control anything. Your mind IS the control center, the power center and the true you. You can and do control your thoughts and your mind. And there are a million reasons why you need to and should want to exhibit some self-discipline over it.
“What we call our destiny is truly our character and that character can be altered. The knowledge that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging, because it also means that we are free to change this destiny. One is not in bondage to the past, which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance, background. All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements.” ― Anaïs Nin,
The heart wants what it wants is an attempt to say that we are not responsible for our actions and attitudes – but that’s simply not true. We are. Always. And the faster and more seriously we embrace that fact, the faster we can move on to taking control over our lives, and ultimately what happens to us.
“Self-knowledge is the DNA of self-enlightenment… The lack of willpower is a mental disease… When you master your mind, you master your life.” – Robin S. Sharma
So HOW do we do this? How do we take control back when we’ve allowed ourselves to foolishly think hearts run the show without control? It begins with a simple choice. Make a choice for power, self-esteem and self-love and you make that choice every day.
It begins by wanting more for ourselves. Let’s address that success comes from a self-disciplined, conditioned, strong mind – and let’s make our daily choices based on whether or not something is good for us. Ask the questions – Does this make me feel happy? Is this a benefit to me in some way? Let’s start by wanting good things for ourselves and embracing that mindset.
“I now know – pain is a lesson only, meant to guide us and be left behind, forgotten. This world is pre-school for the soul and nothing more. It needs not to be taken so seriously. Control your focus. Every thought, every feeling, in every moment, either strengthens or weakens – with every given second, we grow or whither, we strengthen or begin to die. So choose to see the beauty of this world, draw love in, embrace joy and peace, and let everything else go. In terms of what you are, and where you’re going – everything else will mean nothing.”
“Connecting to our powerful birthright is as simple as a choice – so choose to reconnect back to your power. Meditate to maintain a peaceful, grateful spirit, ask for guidance, and control your chattering, wandering mind. Focus only on what you want and release all negative feelings. Remember you are infinite, powerful and creative – you are part of a magnificent cosmic universe that out-shines the most stunning beauty you can imagine, it holds the most profound love you could ever feel here in physical form and we are all – every one of us, every cell, every atom – connected, related and joined. And the day will come, when the tether will break, and we’ll be released back to our source, back to our creator, back into and beyond the galaxy of stars, back into love, back into pure and full release, back into bliss. Have your soul’s eyes opened? Have you found your purpose? Have you learned how easy peace is to maintain? I have. Meditate and control your inner dialogue. Focus. And always hold onto peace and love, letting everything else go. It’s just that simple. Who knew.” – excerpt from Induced Amnesia, Tyin C. Krysset
Tyin Krysett is a fiction writer and blogger. You can buy her latest book Induced Amnesia by clicking on the link or through Amazon.
Great article! I looked up the phrase the heart wants what it wants because my son used it when I questioned why he was jumping into a relationship, extremely quickly (like almost immediately) …after splitting from his toxic wife. I thought it was from a song or a movie or something. This article totally resonates with me and I see how my son is using this thinking to justify his crazy behaviour. He got very angry and left abruptly when I tried suggesting he heal before launching into something new. I’m now staying out of it, he obviously has his own soul lessons yet to be learned. My own heart is bruised from watching all this play out, but it’s a lesson for me too. Thank you.
“All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements.” ― Anaïs Nin,
I can see that the whole romantic idea of falling in love has not served me or my mother. Our culture promotes a kind of mindless blissful “fall.” And, yes, I used that as a reason upon entering my last relationship 10 years ago. It was a relationship that lasted 5 years and I have now been out of for 5 years. And, over the last 5 I have been working on having the courage to learn how I was wired up. I am not sure about the chemistry altering. I still seem to be attracted to cruel selfish men like my N father. The little bit of dating I’ve done has seemed to have my same chemistry to the same N-type men. What has changed is that I am noticing quicker and quicker that they are bad for me and its my old pattern. What’s changed most of all is that I am not really looking! I am happy to write that because some part of me has always felt incomplete unless I was rescuing or revolving around some toxic person — men, women, bosses, children — and now I am changing that. It is one thought at a time. The change is gradual. Sometimes I don’t see progress at all. But it has sure been a journey worth taking. I am the happiest and most at peace I have ever been.
This is so true and thanks. When my husband left me years ago for the neighbor across the street, that was what he told me, he is the epitome of weak and lacking a moral compass.