I was reading comments on the Support Forum and several of the “victims” were discussing the telepathic connection they have with the narcissist, how they could “will” him to call, or how uncanny it was that he would call right as they were thinking about him. How they could feel him thinking about them and the pull of the connection they have with the narcissist.
I can relate to the feeling. I remember early in the relationship James telling me that he never got a chance to do anything wrong because I was so in tune with him I could read his mind and know before he ever did anything, all he had to do was think about doing something and I would know. I would “know” when he was screwing around and I was sure he would never be able to fool me, I would just know if he was with another woman. I was also positive he could never say I love you to me and any other woman at the same time. He seemed unable to lie to me, he knew I would know and would tell me the truth.
I actually believed God created situations where we would end up needing each other each time we broke up. My truck would break down or James would be injured somehow and I would have to care for him. (all orchestrated by him) No matter how bad the fight was he would show up where I was and swear he was not following me, it was just fate. When we saw each other he was so good at putting on this little boy look and acting like it was beyond his control, he loved me too much to stay away. and of course I would melt, or if I did try to be strong he would act like nothing had changed and we had never broken up. He would rip me to shreds, spew venom all over me and storm out the door. I would be devastated all day and then he would show up like nothing ever happened. If I said anything about the fight he would pull me close and tell me how he couldn’t stand to see me upset, didn’t I know how much he loved me? It got so that even though I was upset we had fought and I would be devastated, I didn’t really believe we would ever end. I didn’t know how we were going to make it work but I knew we would be in each other’s lives forever. A love like ours could not be denied, we were connected by a force stronger than either of us.
I won’t go into all the events James orchestrated to make me think we had this almost magical connection. suffice to say they are experts and they have studied you so intently, they do practically know your next move, how you are going to react. They have you so hooked that of course you are thinking about them, 24/7, it is no surprise that they call when you are thinking about them, they have trained you to think about them. They “let it slip” that they “just had a feeling” and had to call. They set you up to believe you have a connection like normal people never experience, your love is so strong you are telepathic.
Read up on brain washing, power of suggestion, and how when a person is at heightened emotions and lacking sleep (because we can’t sleep when he is angry with us or he purposely keeps the victim awake) the power of suggestion is so much stronger. Add to that the fact that we WANT to believe so badly and we fall so easily really. There never was a super nature connection, not for him; yes he was tuned into us in order to manipulate us but the “connection ” was another fabrication of his. That is why he can walk away so easily. Oh he will tell you that he still feels you and that he can’t break the connection he has with you even though he is with another woman. He will tell you that he has told the new woman that you and he have this telepathic thing going because that will make her work harder to please him and to read his thoughts so she and he can have the same kind of connection. He likes to instill self doubt and if he tells you that he has tried but can not break the connection and power you have over him he keeps you hooked and thinking you are special. It keeps you thinking about him, keeps you from moving on, keeps you on tender hooks just in case the new relationship falls apart.
He loves triangulation too, pitting two women against each other, making each feel they are in competition for his love, it is proof of his power; to have two or more women thinking they are “the one” and he sits back and watches the show laughing to himself.
And don’t think that he isn’t laughing. James ex called me 6 years after we first got together to fill me in. He had called her from my house number, there was no need, he had a cell phone. He complained bitterly that she wanted to destroy his life and any hope of ever finding love, so why call her? especially from MY phone. The whole time she had me on the phone she kept saying “He thinks I am stupid, but I know, I always know what he is up to”. She WAS stupid, because she didn’t realize he was setting her up the whole time, playing her like a fiddle. When she died a sad lonely drunk, he laughed because she had hated me so much, because he and I had been so happy together. You could have fooled me that we were happy, but that is what he told her because it drove her crazy. As soon as he said that I knew anything he told me about his new relationship would be a lie.
When I called him to tell him she had called and how venomous she was he challenged me, “Are you going to be like all the rest and leave him or stick by him?” Of course I didn’t want to be “like all the rest”.
Months after we had split I was asking him if he was dating and he said, “I don’t know why you still get so upset, you know us; we always end up back together. I always come back to you.” I knew that, I knew he and I had a special connection that pulled us back together whether we liked it or not. It was a love beyond our control, a connection that couldn’t be denied. It was only a few weeks later that he moved in with his new woman.
Think you have this special telepathic connection is what keeps you hooked to him, no matter how hard you try to break the ties, stay no contact; the minute he finds a way to get to you he will use it to reel you back in under his control. You must remember he is a pathological liar and when he tells you that things aren’t working with the new woman, that she is jealous of the connection you two have. If that is the case, if there is this great and all powerful connection between you two then why is he with her and not you?
James used to say he didn’t why a love as strong as ours, why even though we had this connection we just couldn’t make it work no matter how hard we tried.
The narcissist, quite often, has “the one that got away” even though they all hurt him and were bitches, he will reminisce about the connection he had with this one or that one; just to keep the new woman on her toes. You can bet he is telling his ex’s a different story than what he is telling the new woman.
This article was written by Carrie Reimer. It first appeared in Carrie’s blog Lady with a Truck.
After 12 years, I am finally getting away from my ex, and I need to ask if you know him?! You’ve described him down to every BS comment and line he’d use to reel me back in. I’m done with him! Changed my address, blocked him from everything, and ready to move on.
I could have written most of this, based on what I experienced with an NPD ex.
It really is freedom to be away from him.
His patterns never change and unfortunately he’s had decades to improve his cons. He’s learned from girl after girl after girl…
I blocked all numbers and changed my logins however after over two years of no contact, i received a phone call from him, i didnt answer so he left a message wanting us to get together again. I did not respond.
Two weeks later I received a message from his current girlfriend explaining that he had given her my number. She was being abused when he was drunk, could i help her to understand him. Now why would he give her my number??? He wanted to contact me in whatever way possible, fishing….. in the third person I told her that his behaviour will escalate to rape and worse, that he was not only an alcohlic but a porn addict, i gave her emergency information to call.
Savannah, excellent article – as always! I’ve gone “no contact” three or four times over the past year, and have promised myself, “never again”… Each time, he arrives at the door with flowers (after 2-3 months have passed- and,of course, all major holidays) and declares his like/love etc… A person who really loves and cares about you wants you to feel secure, loved and certainly doesn’t disappear for months at a time/have all his exes as “friends”, etc etc etc. (*gag*) Thank you for all that you do Savannah, and please keep speaking the truth!
This is spot on and so very helpful in breaking cognitive dissonance. Change the names and some details of the particulars and it could be my story exactly. I am so grateful to find these kinds of articles and all of your posts for that matter at Esteemology. I honestly believe staying in tune with the true reality of this terrible pathological situation is helping keep me alive at this point.. Thank you for this!!
I would just add that also Hollywood and romantic novels glorifying forgiving, telepathic bond and coming back and living happy ever after endings play a role, too. We always want to believe that there would be a happy (by the Hollywood or social norms standards) ending must eventually happen in our life. In Western culture, being single and happy, is still not a social norm. In Western culture women and men are still different human species. This has been changing slowly, really slowly.
By the way, it’s been 3 years of no contact and I don’t think there is a day I would not think of my ex. Sometimes I think, he will always live in the back of my head. Some of it is normal memory (after all he was part of my everyday life for two decades) but some of it is not healthy and I still struggle with it at times.
Hi Barbara – yes I am 3.5 years of no contact with my particular ‘covert Narc ex’. After 25 years together, he is still in my head – but like many others I read about, I feel relief on the whole. They are so strange to what I consider societal norms – after only a couple of months with his new woman, he asked me to bring our (adult but with learning difficulties) children to a meal with him and her – I found that very odd, but reading an article like this helps explain it. I guess he just wanted to sit back and watch 2 women feud over him. They do a lot of psychological damage though, don’t they? Often to decent, caring people.
This should be mandatory reading for all late bloomers entering the dating world.
We both love the song “Ebb Tide” i had told him that I was singing it & his answer was at the same time, he was thinking of this song.
I still get messages saying I can’t get you out of my mind.. Its not fair!
Of course I don’t answer
He actually made me believe we were twin flames/soulmates he would mirror everything about me from how I held a fork to copying how I drive, at first I ignored it, as it became more apparent the finishing each others sentences however he was so tuned into me he knew what i was going to say anyway, When I first left I could hear him, feel him couldn’t get the AH out of my head I could hardly function, one day I sat down and focused really hard to bring another thought into my head I finally had a breakthrough and my first thought was apple pie.. Then my second thought was im hungry, I realised I hadn’t eaten for a few days after breaking his control over my mind I felt so free