The best blogs I have written have been ones where I’ve written straight from the heart. What I mean by that, are articles that have been a true reflection of my experiences and lessons that I have learned. To me, the only way that you can really write about something and have it be truly authentic, is to have lived it.
I get a lot of emails from people, who have been reading about codependency, and they are freaking out, because they see themselves and their behavior in the descriptions. They ask me what do I do? How do I fix this? I have, in bits and snippets, written about battling codependency, but I’ve never compiled a comprehensive list all in one place. Due to it’s length, I was going to do it in two separate blogs, but I thought it important to keep it all together.
What I have compiled below are the steps that I have taken to beat codependency. It’s important to understand that this healing is a journey and a process – with many, many twists and turns along the way. Some parts are difficult, some are easy and some flow right into the other. Without further ado, here are the steps of my journey:
Awareness: The first step is recognizing that you have been the victim of emotional abuse in childhood. Last week I wrote about the effects of emotional child abuse in adults. This isn’t about being beaten, or locked in closets. This is about growing up in an unhealthy, shame based environment, with an emotional manipulator, where there was little communication, no boundaries, and where feelings of not being good enough, and not being worthy of love, are passed down from generation to generation. This makes adults that are over-givers, people pleasers, martyrs, and ripe for abuse by users and manipulators.
A codependent generally consists of the following behaviors:
- You are very good at pretending things are ok when they’re not
- Cater to the needs of others while suppressing your own needs
- Believe that you must be perfect in order to be loved
- Mold your personality to make other people happy
- Rescue broken people
- Twist reality by minimizing and rationalizing other people’s bad behavior
- Readily and easily accept blame when it is not yours
- Sacrifice and endure
- Believe that you deserve, or you have become accustomed to poor treatment
- Don’t voice your displeasure, and you avoid conflict
- Feel responsible for solving everyone else’s problems
- Derive your sense of self-worth by helping others
If you recognize yourself in these descriptions then you are very likely codependent. Awareness is the first step – because if you don’t know what’s broken you can’t fix it.
Changing Your Scripts: We are all working from the scripts that we were taught in childhood. The difference between someone that is emotionally healthy and someone who is not, is the messages that we received about ourselves as children. Healthy children were given messages like – you can do it and given lots of encouragement and support. Codependents were given messages like, “You’re not important, your feelings, needs and wants don’t matter. You’re not good enough. Keep quiet and don’t rock the boat.”
We all play out these childhood scripts continuously, throughout our lives – they are our templates about how we view ourselves and the world. If these messages weren’t healthy, then we will keep making poor decisions. continue to behave poorly and keep self-sabotaging ourselves.
So just who is steering your ship? Do you want an emotionally immature, scared, abused, misinformed child pulling the reigns of your life forever? Hell no. It’s time to relieve the frightened little boy or girl from the thrown and start ruling our lives from a healthy, kind and loving place.
This becomes about changing how we perceive ourselves, clawing back all of the layers of that onion and enveloping little you with your own love and compassion. It’s about telling little you that you weren’t bad, you are lovable, you are good enough. The people that told you otherwise, when you were too young to know any different, were sick people. They were just passing along the same dysfunctional messages they received when they were little. It wasn’t true then and it’s not true now, it’s time to step out from under all those hurtful and abusive messages that we’ve held onto and give ourselves new messages – healthy messages like – I can do, have and be anything I want in this life. I am limitless.
Get Angry: And by angry I mean furiously angry, blame, point fingers and work yourself into a lather about the injustice that was done to you. But Sav, that doesn’t sound too healthy. You’re right it’s not, but it’s a stage we have to go through – as I’ve said before, anger is the catalyst for change. This doesn’t mean running to your parents or your partner and giving them a piece of your mind (although it might) – this is more about you and your changing mind set, it’s you learning how to stick up for yourself and that little girl or boy that was too young and too inexperienced. This is you, saying to all who would abuse you, that there is a new sheriff in town and if you think treating me this way is ok, then I’ve got news for you.
For more on the importance of anger read my blog entitled Anger: A Tool for Action
Writing New Scripts, Gaining Self-Worth and Letting go of the Need for External Validation: At this stage we’ve figured out that when we let other people determine our worth it doesn’t feel good and never works out. Unhealthy people will always devalue others to make themselves feel big. How do you want to feel about you and your life? I wanted to feel powerful, strong, fearless, free, happy, and all of the things specific to me that make me feel good.
I wrote in a blog once about witnessing a friend, who had a very healthy self-esteem, deal with someone attempting to put her down. After the assailant hurled a pile of insults at her, she laughed and said, “Wow it’s a good thing you don’t determine my worth.” And she walked away. The hurtful statements rolled off of her back and didn’t resonate in her psyche for second. She dismissed them and carried on with her life – seeing them for what they were – an unhealthy attempt to cause her harm. She didn’t bite or buy into it. She just laughed it off. This isn’t about being arrogant or bitchy, it’s about being confident in your own skin and not needing to bend your beliefs and integrity to please others.
I’ve written many blogs on self-esteem and battling the belief that you’re not good enough. All I can say is being good enough is your divine birth right. No one can make you feel good enough – it’s a belief that you have to seize yourself. No one can, or will ever give it to you. You just take it – because it’s already yours.
Setting Healthy Boundaries: I’ve written extensively about boundaries and why they’re important. When you grow up in an emotionally abusive home, you never learned how to have or set boundaries. There’s a great quote and I’ve seen it attributed to different people, so I’m not sure who the original author is, but it goes like this, “Givers need to set limits, because takers never do.”
Boundaries are how we protect ourselves. We know when someone does something that hurts us or makes us not feel good. When we implement and enforce our boundaries, it’s us teaching others how we expect to be treated. It’s our message to the universe, that this is where I’ve set the bar and if you want to interact with me, then this is how it’s going to be. But with boundaries comes consequences, because not everyone is going to respect your boundaries – there are a lot of boundary busters out there and if you don’t enforce your boundaries with consequences, then they don’t mean a thing.
If my mother was still with us, I’m sure we would have had many battles over her boundary busting and there would have been consequences, those being, that she wouldn’t be permitted to spend time with me, or she’d get very limited time with me.
Cleaning House: As I discussed above, once you’ve set the bar on how you expect to be treated, there are going to be some who like the status quo. They like all the benefits of being able to walk all over you. They like your over giving and you doing for them, so they are going to bust, bust and bust till the cows come home. You can give someone a chance or two, but if they repeatedly show you, that they don’t care about what you want and that it’s their way or the highway – then choose the highway and get in your car and drive. You will find that as you change and grow, the people that you’ve been around, for possibly your whole life, don’t fit anymore. They aren’t in the same head space, or on the same energy frequency as you are and you’ll find yourself wanting to spend less and less time with them.
I met my best friend about ten years ago. She had ended a really unhealthy relationship and she was an emotional mess. Me being the broken wing fixer I was back then, enveloped her and tried to make her feel better. We had a lot in common. We both had horrific childhoods, loved to read, we had a strong interest in spirituality and growth and we had deep meaningful conversations. As I got healthier, I began to recognize a lot of unhealthy behavior in her. Several times a year, she would invent problems between us, which would force me to jump through hoops and take all of the responsibility for whatever she was feeling. For instance, one time, we hadn’t seen each other in about a month. We lived an hour away from each other and I had just moved and had been wrapped up with packing and transporting and moving all of my belongings, all by myself. I was busy getting things organized and she was upset that we hadn’t gotten together. I explained that I was busy with the move and work and that I had come to see her the last 3 times we were together and that she should come to see me. She went crazy with outrageous things like, why should her husband have to pay for gas (she didn’t work) and I thought, ‘ok I’ll take the high road and suck it up and apologize.’ So I went over there took all the responsibility for everything (even though it wasn’t mine) under the guise that I’d rather have her friendship than be right. That, I later learned was a mistake.
A few months later, she went berserk and her behavior was so over the top and outrageous, I was completely shocked by it. I gave her several warnings and she continued to text me and hurl insults and obscenities at me, until finally I told her I was done and that I didn’t want to hear from her again. We were no longer on the same frequency and I had stopped taking responsibility for her behavior and moods. I recognized that her behavior was becoming more and more outrageous and my desire for inner peace became more important to me than dealing with her instability. If you have to work that hard at being someone’s friend – you should probably rethink the friendship.
It’s hard to replace a best friend, or any friend for that matter, but when you make the changes within you, you will stop wanting to be around people that drain you and don’t respect your wishes. You will be surprised by what and who comes into your life. Cleaning house is about surrounding yourself with like-minded, healthy people. It’s like the movie Field of Dreams, “If you build it (a healthy mindset), they will come.”
The deciding factor for me on whether someone stays or goes in my life is, when I ask myself, “Does your behavior make me act crazy? Are my emotions all over the place when I’m with you?” If I answer yes – then that person needs to go – it’s that simple.
Forgiveness: Earlier I talked about getting mad, placing blame and pointing fingers. Once you’ve set and enforced your boundaries and you’ve gotten rid of the toxic people in your life, you’re on the road to forgiveness. Forgiveness really is about understanding that the people that have done you harm did so, generally not out of malicious intent but, because they didn’t know any better. They haven’t figured out the same stuff you have figured out and they’re still working off of their old dysfunctional scripts. Forgiving means that you have taken back your power and that those that hurt you, no longer have any control over your emotions, or your behavior. For more on forgiveness see my blog on Forgiveness.
Learning to Trust Again: Learning to trust again is about learning to trust yourself. It’s getting back out there, living your life, taking chances and trusting that you will do the right thing and make the right choices when you have to. It’s inner strength and the point where you realize that no one has the power to disrupt your inner peace. It’s allowing yourself to be vulnerable in new relationships, while trusting that you will make the tough call if and when you have to. It’s knowing that the injured child isn’t running your life anymore. You’ve written good, positive healthy scripts and the aware, emotionally healthy adult is fully in charge and steering the ship. When you’ve reached this stage, you’re ready for new challenges, new opportunities and anything else that may come your way, because you trust yourself you know that you can handle any situation that life will throw at you.
There are a lot of books and articles on codependence, many with action plans and exercises. – this was my path from heartbroken and radically unhealthy to emotionally content and thriving. I hope it does the same for you.
Your Comments!!!!!
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Thank you this gave me so much Hope for recovery.
Hi Savannah thank you for sharing your heart and your experience. I take encouragement from your words and advice and pray that, like you, I can be healed from being a people pleaser and will take back the respect and dignity I deserve.
God bless
Susan
Dear Savannah,
I am woman of nearly 50 years and with several attempts at a relationship behind me. Lookinag at all of them in great deatial I had to admit to myself that all of the men I was dating were never emotionally available to me. I could not figure out why until I stumbled over your blog and it has opened my eyes.
I was in a relationship with a man since September last year, things moved very fast and he moved in within two months.
Right at the beginning of the relationship he would tell me that he struggles with thinking that he would never sleep with a young body again and if I would entertain the idea of him being able to date other women.
I foolishly agreed to be able to keep him.
He was working away during the week and would just come home at the weekends and mostly he would sleep or follow his interests. Initially I would sit at home waiting for him to wake up so we could go to the cineam etc but eventually I started to follow my own interests again and meet my friends.
I invited him along a few times but he didn’t like it that they never asked any questions about him so didn’t come along anymore.
He would get angry when he felt criticised or when I did or said something her didn’t like and initially I tried to challenge this expressing that he needed to stop it or I could not be with him. Did I follow this through… I didn’t.
I found out at the beginning of July that he had started seeing a woman he worked with and when challenged he explained that a) I was contolling anf b) he struggled with my weight, which he had asked me to loose at the beginning of the relationship ( and I stupidly agreed but found myself stress eating all the time) he got bored in bed and needed her as she was agile and skinny and of african descent a dvery agreeable to sharing him with other women as this was common within her tribe. He asked I was was prepared to share him or failing that if we could be friends and he could rent my spare bedroom of me.
That was the moment I kicked him out, made him pack his stuff and have had no contact since (blocked everywhere).
The thing I am struggling with is that I know I have quite some co-dependent traits and having a narcissistic father made me very vulnerable to picking the same men as my dad.
What I do not make sense of is the question: If I had better boundaries and would have stood up for myself more, would he have been different with me or would he had left a lot earlier?
I am immensely proud of myself for kicking him out the minute I found out but am really scared that I will be forever locked in the co-dependency cycle and have missed so many chances of having a fulfilling relationship by not being emotionally available myself..
Heiki:
The answers to your questions are yes and yes. The result would have been the same, it just would have ended a lot faster and you would have been the one to do it.
I absolutely loved this. I’ve been dealing with recovering from addiction and I’ve always noticed that another part of that is my addiction and dependency on other people. I love how simply you put everything and I’m really hoping that I can use this to help get over that. I’ve had a lot of trust issues and a lot of problems with people mainly because when I get to the point that I know in my heart that I need to cut things off, I can’t seem to actually bring myself to do it. Which has caused me to build up walls to keep from getting to that point even though I know isolating isn’t the answer either. I love that you put that it’s about trusting yourself. I have to truly learn how to do that and value myself more than other peoples feelings. This gave me hope to being able to do that.
I knew something was wrong with me and my behavior. I made people uncomfortable with my personality if they were healthy and that’s why the unhealthy ones are what I get. In this instance the only person that never used me had a stroke and I think I have made him hate me. I’m so relieved to know where to put my anger. I’m already forgiving it’s the following through that’s going to be the hard part.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I’m on a difficult journey to discovering steps on how to recover from being so co dependent. I didnt realize how much my parent’s lack of faith in themselves has projected onto me. This article was a first step. Tired of being tired and ready to be independent and happy.
Crikey. This is me. I didn’t realise any of this until right now and am blown away… But most of all hopeful for the first time in ages. Day 1 of reclaiming my space. Thank you x
I’m really excited about this site. I’m an adult child with all these issues oh boy! It’s encouraging when you know your not alone…it’s challenging to hear people have success with the journey. At my age I m cleaning house…finding my backbone has been challenging.thanks
This article was very helpful. I am so thankful to learn about “me” for a change and my needs and taking care of me. I am ready for absolute peace and to say no to unhealthy people. I am putting so many pieces together and look forward to a powerful in-tuned new me. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing.
I am currently involved in a narcissistic relationship, have been for over 30 years.
I’ve recently realised this, I’m amazed it’s taken so long.
Like most victims I to had an abusive father since deceased,and a mother whom I thought didn’t care about me enough to bother.I know now that she to was under his kosher so to speak.
I’m now formulating an escape plan….it’s complicated, but since reading your blog, and other people’s accounts it has given me great strength of endurance knowing I will survive this, and be free one day soon.
Thank you x
Hello to all of you beautiful people,
I can relate to this article completely. After a string of emotionally abusive partners and narcs I just snapped. I decided enough was enough. I didn’t know how I knew I had to change and that something It was something I had to do. I count myself extremely lucky I didn’t marrying anyone Or have children I really feel for everybody who has been through this as it really is mentally and emotional draining but in also very proud of each of you. This article Savannah is truthful, heart felt and inspiring. there’s a book called the Human Maganatisum and it’s really interesting. If goes into the science about why as co depends ( recovering) we do what we do. Very eye opening.
Thank you for responding, for your insight, for your blog and for being vulnerable to share your experiences, grit and all.
I appreciate.
Savannah, I have read all your posts and sometimes I like to re-read, like today. I have a question- Quoting you from your post “They like all the benefits of being able to walk all over you. They like your over giving and you doing for them…” If a man practices this behavior with me, does he know he is doing this? and more importantly WHY would a person do that? I understand the concept of ‘if you let someone treat you like a doormat, they will.’ But I also dont understand that concept at the same time because how could someone just use someone else? Dont they feel bad or accountable? I just cant wrap my head around this concept even though I understand its logic.
AgirlNic they behave like that because there is something wrong with them. They are not playing with the same emotional deck as you are. You are other-person focused and likely have a great deal of empathy. Imagine for a moment what it would feel like to be self-focused to the extreme – where your thoughts and motivations only focus on you. They lack empathy which means they lack the ability to put themselves in another’s shoes or to prioritize someone else ahead of themselves. Whatever that is – it’s not working properly in them. I’ve expressed too that you should think of a Narc’s need for supply the same as a drug addict needs drugs. A drug addict will steal from their loved ones to get their fix – a Narc will walk all over a person to get their fix. The more they do it the easier it is on their conscience. Like Max said in interview with a Narcissist it’s not his intention to hurt the woman he’s with – he has low impulse control and can’t stop himself from doing what he knows will hurt his partner.
Savannah, I have read all your posts and sometimes I like to re-read, like today. I have a question- Quoting you from your post “They like all the benefits of being able to walk all over you. They like your over giving and you doing for them…” If a man practices this behavior with me, does he know he is doing this? and more importantly WHY would a person do that? I understand the concept of ‘if you let someone treat you like a doormat, they will.’ But I also dont understand that concept at the same time because how could someone just use someone else? Dont they feel bad or accountable? I just cant wrap my head around this concept even though I understand its logic.
Also a question regarding being raised an a emotionally abusive home- if the parent that emotionally abused you (mine being my mother) what is your take on when a parent sometimes validates you and then takes back the validation later and then repeat..as in validate, take back, repeat. ?
I am all too familiar with the “bait and switch” so charming and then agh! tricked again!
My adult relationships with men or so aligned with what Ive experienced with my mother since childhood, its sad. I just dont know how to break free from this deep core pattern I seem to have. I am always struggling to understand why a person would be disrespectful or abusive to me? I spend a lot of time trying to figure each occurence out? It is mind torture. I get angry like you say and I feel my own validation…but not too long after I take it all back and assume responsibility! self blame to the max.
Any thoughts? I know I asked more than one question…eek!
–Nic
AgirlNic your relationship with your primary caregivers is a template for your adult relationships. So we will actually seek out partners that give us the same kind of treatment our parents did. That doesn’t surprise me that your boyfriend is pulling the same stunts as your parents did. You have to get to the point cognitavely where you say enough – there’s a phrase that’s bounced around in psychology a lot “What you don’t pass back, you pass on.” So recognize that the behavior of your family has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them – pass it back and don’t carry anyone else’s baggage for one second.
The only way to get around toxic people is to a) create and enforce boundaries – you will have a tough time with the enforce part but you need to do it. b) realize when someone just doesn’t deserve to be in your life anymore and cut them loose. This could even be your parents or other family members and it may mean you get left out of family functions but believe me your peace of mind is more than worth it.
This is a subject that I will bring up in therapy. Wow so much work to be done.
Savannah, thank you. Co-dependency, having a relationship, and friendship with Nar. has been a way of life for me for years. After reading your blogs I’m ready to be a better me to myself to stop being co-depend, and to end my relationship, friendship with a Nar. it’s only been 4 days I haven’t communicate with Nar and it’s feel a little uncomfortable but I’m ready to get on with my life withou allowing myself to be treated anyway at anytime enough is enough been on this roller coaster for about 5 years same old same old nothing changes if nothing change just different names, and places. I will continue reading and being encourage by your blogs and other stories.
Savannah, I have seen some poetry in your blog that has helped me. I thought I would share this poem I wrote, which tries to capture some of the pain I felt when I realized that the sweet wonderful woman I fell in love with was a Narcissist straight out of the DSM IV:
Galatea, In Reverse
Do you know the old, old story
Of Pygmalion,
A sculptor from Cypress?
He carved an ivory statue of a woman,
And put everything he had into it.
He gave her beauty and grace, invested her with everything in his heart,
And all the desire he had.
He named her Galatea.
Pygmalion prayed to Aphrodite, the goddess; he said
Please, let my Galatea come to life.
Because his prayer was true,
The goddess granted his wish:
She came to life
When he kissed her.
I have lived that story,
But in reverse.
The woman I loved
Turned to stone.
After I kissed her,
Came to know all her beauty and grace,
She turned to stone before my eyes.
I ended up knowing that I was kissing
a cold dead thing.
And what hurts the most
Is that she was stone dead cold inside all along.
Even when I met her, while violins played in my head,
she had no more moral sense
than a cold-blooded reptile.
I was like cattle feed to her,
a live host to live off.
She siphoned off me like a tick would,
And when she was fat on my blood,
my life essence,
She silently dropped away
To wait in stealthy silence
For the next warm body
Walking by.
Like Pygmalion
I am left to pray,
Only not for her (hell no!), or for some statue, but
For myself:
“Bring me back to life, God;
please, un-numb my lips,
take away the taste and memory
of cold dead stone.
Warm me,
Hold me,
Help me bury
The nightmare image of the girl in white marble,
so clinical, so cool to the touch;
and help me turn my face
to the sifting wind,
the bright, new sun
of dawn.
Love it HC
Thank you Savannah. I will try the big figure behind me. I’ve always consider my grandmother my personal and very own Guardian Angel. The idea of using her image popped in my mind immediately. I will look for Untethered Soul book. I’ve just started read the New Codependence book but something in that book… I just can’t get some of her ideas after the first read and often have to re-read the pages. I will see how it goes but maybe I need to read her Codependent No More book first.
Anyway, since reading your last, excellent post, I keep thinking that you’re really devoted to this blog and have a great knowledge of the subject as well as excellent writing skills. Reading other people posts I can see that I am not only one appreciating this blog and I have to say it, I can’t believe this is all FREE!!!!!! This is the first time ever blog I got hooked on and i can’t believe my good luck! Thank you for all the good people on this earth including Savannah Gray!
For those who have a few minutes I recommend watching on YouTube J.K. Rawling’s Harvard Commencement Talk.
YW Cactus: The best, best, best book I ever read on Co-dependency is called Dance of the Wounded Soul by Robert Burney – hands down the best!!!!!
WOW. Savannah I just want to thank you. When I first wrote to you on January 1, 2014, I was an emotional mess from allowing a narcissist in my life and just being unable to rid myself of the emotions that came along with his antics. I am so much better now and a lot of my “better” is your blogs. The first night I tapped into your blog, I discovered I was (1) not alone (2) not crazy and (3) dealing with a serious anomaly. I had convinced myself before then it was something very wrong with me as that would be the only reason someone would even attempt to treat me so badly. That night — New Year’s Day — I discovered there was nothing wrong with me other than I suffered from a serious case of “co-dependency”. And, co-dependence was ALL that I was guilty of. I ingested every single one of your blogs that night and eagerly await every Monday’s writings. I struggled with “No Contact” for several months. I just could not do it, it seems … until he did something relatively minor but in my mind was outrageous and that was “IT”. This person is my neighbor and I desperately did not want to be on “no speaking” terms with a neighbor. But when I decided enough-was-enough, it was ENOUGH. I don’t speak. I don’t even look at him. The glory of it all is I am not angry either! Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse that he treated me so poorly OR that I allowed it. I am banking on my allowing such horrendous and disrespectful behavior was clearly a sign that I needed to work on me. I have been in full blown no contact for a little over two months. The funny thing is I had to associate the day “I hit bottom” with another event to even find the date I began No Contact. No Contact is real. It is important. Only when I began to not look at him, not speak to him did I return to some semblance of who I was before he entered my peaceful existence.
I want to end this by relaying an event over the weekend. A gentleman who is hot pursuit of my affections sent me salacious and pure x-rated text messages over the weekend. I hurled him back across my boundary yesterday and firmly admonished him. I told him I did not appreciate his taking such liberties with me and writing me in such a disrespectful manner. It was outrageous and I told him so. The best part of it … I felt great for establishing this boundary.
AGAIN, Thank you so much for your encouragement and your blog! You definitely sent me on the right path to healing!
Best,
EoftheU2014
This is me to a T. My father was angry and verbally abusive. My mother was unavailable and cold. My sister stops talking to me periodically and writes me off. My husband of 30 years cheated on my four years ago with someone he ran into from high school. Then he came back. I let him right back into the house and we went to marital therapy, throughout which he lied because he never gave up the other woman. I recently found out that he has been in touch with her all along and was planning to move with her to another state and close his business. I caught him texting before his plans were in place. I kicked him out of the house and he has asked to come back several times. Not once has he agreed to give up his girlfriend. I have kept my boundary of not letting him live in the house and although that has probably ended our relationship and I am devastated, this is the first time I have stood up for myself. I am still sad and cry all the time and say stupid things to him, asking if he still loves me. I am going to CODA meetings and working on myself. And even though I have not held true on no contact, I believe that my position on the house and not letting him back in proved that he was not willing to do any work at all to save our relationship but instead kept (and keeps) getting on the plane to visit his girlfriend while he is planning to move in with her. This one key thing- keeping him out of the house- has proved the truth about everything. So I am sadder but wiser because I have proven that I will take anything. I have taken anything. Even though I know I deserve better.
Savannah – Thank you for this article. I have taken several of the steps that you have talked about already and my awareness is growing. I love reading your articles. They are very affirming and informative 🙂
I too am following these same steps. I escaped from a narc relationship in April and have slowly but surely eliminated some bad friendships from my life as well. I’m finally seeing my codependent behavior for what it is and I am determined to have peace & joy in my life because I deserve it. I am so grateful for this blog! 🙂
Ouch! This hurt a bit! I do not like to go back to my childhood! I do not like people who instead of moving on are stuck because, their dad was an alcoholic, etc. But…now I am starting to see that the trick is not to just move on and forget about the hurts from the times we were little and so vulnerable. What was I thinking? A person can not just forget. The trick is to use the bad memories and built on them. With this argument i can re-visit all the years when my parents were fighting totally ignoring the fact that they still had a child (I am the youngest of five) that watches them helplessly.
Thank you Savannah! I am actually crying typing this. Yes, it hurts and it should.
Cactus when you replay painful, old scenes from your childhood in your mind, picture adult you standing behind little you. Have big you hold little you in your arms and tell little you that none of this is your fault, that you didn’t deserve it and that you are safe and loved. Let the scene play out and then imagine little you and big you melting together. Keep repeating and believing that – you are safe and you are loved – none of this is your fault – you are safe and you are loved….
This is a technique Psychologists use sometimes it helps when we replay childhood trauma in our minds. Read Michael Singer’s book The Untethered Soul – it talks about what happens when we continue to hold onto thorns from our past rather than remove them.
Wonderful and empowering blog….love, love love it….how the words ring true and encourage me….getting healthy in mind, body and spirit is so scary but what a release it is starting to see a new way of life and enjoying it without the guilt or shame.
Fab article, Savannah. 🙂 When I started having counselling just over 5 yrs ago I had this sudden idea to frame up and keep out a photo of me when I was 3 yrs old. I swore then that I would make it up to that hurt little girl and that she would be protected from now on. I kept the piccy on top of my fridge so that I can see it and remind myself of that promise. I don’t really need it now, but I still keep it there to smile at and give a mental thumbs up to say ‘we’re alright now kid’.
I think the last thing I found the most difficult to do was to have forgiveness. I’m glad I left it until last though, lol, as it just happened quite naturally without having to force it. I used to find that forgiving left me open to being abused again, but now I’ve gone through the other stages I know that that isn’t going to happen again. It’s great to keep reminding yourself though, I think, as I’d hate to slip back into the ‘default’ that was imposed on me by my family. It’s so cool being myself after all this time! 🙂
After about the second paragraph I started copying and pasting excerpts into my journal and by the end I realized that I pasted half of the blog directly into my journal. Thank you. I can see my progress also. I just went through forgiveness of my mom this week and acknowledged the love of my deceased dad that I never allowed myself to acknowledge. And I visualizled myself as a small child or perhaps age 2 or 3, walking among the brilliant October trees, but in wonderment, love, secure, and alone. This vivid image surprised me, but it certainly fits with your description above and “learning to trust again.” Thank you.
I love what you had to say since it’s all so true! I recognized I was co dependent in my relationship with NPD husband and while it initially scared me I realized I had to deal with it. I worked up the emotional strength to divorce him which was a horribly difficult process but I made it through! I am happy to say that I have found inner peace and confidence and I let that be my guid when dealing with people in my life! It feels wonderful! that scared little girl is gone
What you said about Cleaning House is SO true. I believe we codependents not only attract manipulative romantic partners but friends and associates, as well, and that after leaving a Narc partner, ridding ourselves from toxic friends is the next essential step to freedom. I ended a few friendships after I left my Narc, because I realized these so called friends were also not good for me. I urge everyone to take a very good look at who you are hanging around with and PAY ATTENTION to how that person is making you feel.
I’ve noticed that many motivational books and successful business people urge us in their advice to watch out who we associate with. A media mogul even said that was a huge mistake he made – that he hung around people that were fun to be around, but were not good for him. For a long time, I thought this kind of advice was snobby, shallow and advocated social climbing. Isn’t it wrong (and narcissistic) to befriend people just because they are successful? But now I realize that’s not what these authors were saying. I’ve learned that our friends can either energize and motivate us or suck the life out of us, and that we codependents have most likely latched on to people that are not good for us.
Savannah, I had a friend that sounds just like your best friend, and ending that friendship had its own chaotic course, just like me leaving my Narc.
She was high maintenance, was a fount of problems and never respected my time or space. Once I started refusing to be at her beck and call and attend to her drama when she demanded it, she freaked out and pushed back. She really didn’t like and couldn’t handle the New Me, the Me that was saying “no” and setting boundaries – I had just changed the temperature in the room.
I was called a bad friend. She threw me guilt trips and would even hold some things that she did for me over my head. After time passed, it seemed as though she was OK with my new boundaries, but then would whine that I was abandoning her and she got super needy. She hit Peak Crazy when she was became JEALOUS over the time and attention I was giving to another friend when his mom passed away.
Looking back on that friendship, I realized a huge part of why I stuck around was because I felt like I owed her something, since she had done me a huge favor or two – but in real healthy friendships, no one keeps score – aside from my broken wing issues.
The most important red flags that I ignored with this friend was simply how she made me FEEL: #1) I always felt drained after seeing her, instead of energized and happy. #2) I wasn’t feeling valued because she wasn’t respectful of my time #3) The reciprocity was off – she would go silent for a couple of weeks, but would panic and ask what she did wrong to upset me when I’d get busy and wouldn’t contact her.
Know what’s the craziest thing I noticed? After I cut this and other bad friends loose, new, healthy people started to come in my life. As though the universe sent them my way once I got rid of the clutter. My expanded social circle now included many emotionally healthy, successful people who have their sh-t together.
When one door closes, another opens.
@NR sometimes losing a best friend is harder than losing a partner because in some sense partners may come and go, but you always think your bf will be around forever. But you’re right I met 2 wonderful women after I broke up with my bf, who are on the same page with me in all regards.