This past weekend I was driving home late at night. The moon was huge and bright. The streets were quiet and there was barely a car on the road. As I continued on my journey, I felt really good. Really, really good. In fact, I was beaming happiness. I felt like everything in my life was unfolding exactly as it should. I felt entirely stable, at peace, empowered and fully in control of my life.
I reminisced about my past relationships. I’ve been involved with a long term cerebral Narcissist, I’ve had a slew of boomerang somatic Narcissists and even a Psychopath. Never in any of my relationships did I ever feel as good as I feel now.
Around this time two years ago, was my very last Narcissist encounter. I was struggling to hang on to a boomerang Narcissist. I remember feeling so much heartache. I would wake up hurting. I would hurt throughout the day and I would go to sleep hurting and missing him. I was desperately hoping for a nugget of his attention, just something that showed me he cared. But as always I’d get a ton of mixed signals, into me one minute and gone the next.
It was always a cycle with him – two weeks of hot and heavy, followed by two weeks of silence. Then one week on, two weeks off, one week on, one week off….I was trapped in this mini cycle of ups and downs and I couldn’t see a way out.
“If someone behaves like they only want you some of the time, you’re not in a relationship – you’re an option. No guess work required.”
My reasons for staying with each of them varied, but they all boiled down to:
1. I was seeking validation, because I didn’t know my own worth.
2. I felt most comfortable being mistreated. The erosion of my self-esteem felt normal to me.
3. I put too much emphasis on appearances. All of them were physically beautiful men and it was a ego boost for me to be with them.
4. I have a huge caring heart and I was a sucker for a guy with a broken wing and believe me all of them were a hot mess.
5. I didn’t think I could do any better or deserved better.
6. I was addicted to them.
The addiction theory really stood out for me, as recently I read a study on the effects of intermittent rewards. The study had apes playing with a slot machine, with fruit as a payout. Researchers discovered that when fruit was dispensed every time they pulled the lever, the apes played with the machine some of the time, when fruit never came out, they never played with it, but when it came out intermittently, they couldn’t stop playing with it. This is the principle behind slot machines at casinos and gambling addiction. When people cannot predict the outcome, it keeps them fixated on the task and playing the game a lot longer. The same theory applied to me and my Narcissists.
When I got home that night I checked my email and there were a slew of messages from readers, many to the effect of, ‘I know this relationship is killing me, but I can’t let it go.’ I get messages like this all the time and believe me I get it. The highs of a Narcissistic relationship can be like a shot of heroin. But if you want a happy healthy life, they are a drug that you have to wean yourself off of.
Anger: A Tool For Action
Have you ever had a friend, family member, co-worker, or even a stranger be deliberately disrespectful to you, right to your face? How do you feel in those situations? Do you feel angry? Outraged even?
And what do you do when that happens? Do you get mad, fight back and stick up for yourself?
I had a co-worker that was a real bully. She always tried to take credit for my victories, reveled in my failures and tried to get under my skin every chance she got. I’m pretty easy going, so I tried for a while to just let it roll off my back, until one day I had just had it. I walked into her office, shut the door and locked it behind me and I let her have it. I roared like a saber tooth tiger and she did what all bullies do. She cowered. I taught her in that moment, that I will stick up for myself, how I expected to be treated and what she can expect more of, if she continued. She never bothered me again after that day.
That started me thinking, If we stick up for ourselves against other people, why then do we allow those that we have been most intimate with, to walk all over us? Because we have given ourselves to someone emotionally and physically, shouldn’t that mean that they should give us more respect – not less?
The fact that someone has seen you naked does not entitle them to a free pass to disrespectful town.
As this was unfolding at my place of employment I decided to try it against my boomerang Narcissist and I discovered that a Narcissist will do one of two things. If you confront a Narcissist and stick up for yourself, he will either a) fight back even harder and with more venom (blaming it all on you) or b) he will give you the silent treatment and disappear, until you start to miss him and regret what you’ve done. Either way he is teaching you, that by fighting back and sticking up for yourself, you will always lose.
People always say that you should never hold on to negative emotions like anger. I disagree to a point. Anger is a very powerful tool. The need for fairness and justice is an innate part of the human psyche. It’s our soul’s way of telling us that something isn’t right. Anger motivates us into action. It’s our line in the sand that tells us when we’ve had enough and it’s time for change.
A Narcissist’s behavior is designed to erode your ability to get angry. By roaring back even harder at you, or by disappearing, he is replacing your anger with fear. Fear of harsh retribution, or fear of abandonment.
When we fear losing someone we will alter our behavior. We will stop being ourselves and become people pleasers. We have been taught that if we are nice all the time, if we are easy going, kind and giving all the time, then maybe they will stick around and they won’t leave.
When my boomerang Narcissist did his disappearing act I got mad and I stayed mad. I kept my anger close to me. I replaced my usual hurt with anger. I replaced my fear of losing him with anger and two weeks later, when he decided to test the waters with me again he got – you guessed it, more anger.
My resistance didn’t make him go away this time. It made him try harder. He was so persistent and so repentant. I’m not an angry person by nature, so holding onto my anger was a chore, but I knew that if I didn’t hold onto it, I would cave in like I had done a hundred times before.
At this time my girlfriends and I were watching an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, I‘m not a fan, but I watched. One of them was single, Kloe I think and her phone rang. It was a repentant boyfriend and she said to him, “No you disrespected me,” and she hung up.
That was it. She gave this guy one chance and he blew it and she was done. I thought of my relationship and how many chances had I given my guy. Watching that fueled my resolve and I was done once and for all.
I realized that anger is a very powerfully motivating tool. I don’t live in angry town, but I’m not afraid to pull it out when I need it. Being angry and sticking up for yourself doesn’t make you a bitch or high maintenance. It makes you someone that loves and respects themselves.
If you are in a relationship where you are afraid to say no, and voice your opinion or displeasure, out of fear of retribution or abandonment, you are not in a mutually fulfilling relationship. It’s a huge red flag.
Readers ask me all the time, how do I break away?
When your mate continues to be disrespectful, give yourself permission to get angry. Draw your line in the sand and say no more. Anger is part of your emotional color pallet and it’s there for a reason, don’t be afraid to use it. Hold onto it for as long as you need to and then put it back on the shelf until you need to use it again. If you have to be a door mat or a people pleaser to keep a man – then that man is not worth having. It’s your job to stick up for you – no one else’s.
My relationships taught me a lot about myself, the places where I needed to toughen up and get real with myself. I’m at a place where I can look back at them and be grateful that they happened, because without them I couldn’t be where I am now. I remember being so afraid of being broke and alone that I stayed when I should have left. Fear stops you from being who you truly are. I am two years Narcissist free and I can tell you I am fully independent in every way and fully in control of my life. I am happier now than I have ever been. It all started with me getting angry. After I took that first step, I took another and another, until the grass under my feet actually looked a whole lot greener.
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My goodness, the experiences spoken of here, unbelievably familiar… except in my life the roles are flipped, male co-dependent on a female narcissist.
I fell in love with her so fast. The energy, the creativity, the words, the beauty, the intimacy, and all the promises. Much of that disappeared immediately after we married. I was left existing in a relationship with a part-time wife that shifted everything quickly.
My concerns were labeled as insecurity, immaturity, jealousy, stupid, etc etc… And defending myself only deepened the distance. Our marriage never came first… her friends did. Her hobbies did. Her social media did (I was never in a post of hers on FB).
There were times I’d ask her to leave so we could separate, but she refused. When she did leave, it was always because I finally had enough of being disrespected and lied to, that I’d get angry. She used my anger as an excuse to leave town and be with friends. She refused to work, so she could have time to spend away with no commitment of returning.
In her absence she played the silent game and I suffered alone. No calls, texts, etc. She had to be in control. She refused marriage counseling, but finally agreed to attend if she did not have to disclose her motives for coming. So far that has been a disaster… only more control by her over what is allowed to be discussed.
I’m giving this a little more time, but if things don’t change then I will have had enough. I’ve come to realize that I was in love with an idea… and then when the real wife appeared, I was still hooked on the idea and I just hung on. Women… even those who profess daily to be Godly Christian women… can be manipulative covertly abusive narcissists, too.
I am so happy to read this. I’m getting the slow fade, and it’s really ticking me off. I’ve been nothing but kind and helpful to my N friend. How dare he! LOL! I can’t just walk…I feel I owe it to myself to make it clear that what’s doing to me is not OK. I could just let things ride (we’re only friends, and to keep peace when I see him) but then it’s going to bother me forever that I didn’t bring it to a head. I’m so sorry I ever met this person.
my ex-narc felt out of his league with me (as verbalized to an adult stranger by his young son) and attempted to blame me for his feelings of inadequacy. sleuthing out my imperfections and insecurities to highlight in order to make hims feel better about himself, rather than constructively providing support and assistance in those areas when I requested it.
though he professed his love for me daily, this contributed to major anxiety for both of us: i felt his frustrations with himself and this was projected onto me as the one accountable for them.
rather than just work together to see where we might meet in the middle and create a relationship from there, as i suggested many times, he picked our first and final fight by poking criticism and judgment at my weaknesses until i finally blew up at him, called him on it, and cursed him out; so angry, i do not recall all that i said.
suddenly, in spite of an apology from me the next day for my behavior, without diminishing the issues between us, it was time for him to break-up via text, delete me from facebook, ignore my calls and never see me again…
I have been NC to the exN for almost 2 months. Initially, it was difficult! I exercised a lot and forced myself to return to a routine. I also reached out to my friends (that I was becoming isolated from thanks to the exN) and a therapist. I made it a point to feel my feelings and to write, write, write. Journaling was very cathartic. I wrote lists of goals for myself and where I would like to see myself in 5 years. I looked over these lists of goals and realized the exN wasn’t part of them and wouldn’t have helped me in any way (encouragement or support all lacked from him- he intentionally placed obstacles in my pathways). All of this greatly helped me cope with my grieving and confusion towards my illusionary relationship.
Given time and keeping in touch with myself (some alone time has been necessary) I am able to look at my “elationship” with more clarity. I still have moments, or a day or two, where I feel that consuming/addictive pain but after reading enough about narcissism for my PhD in NPD, I can step back and not be hard on myself. The beauty of all this pain is that I feel I am growing into a stronger woman! We all can!
I mentioned to a friend the other day that in the end of the relationship, before I told the exN to get out of my life, I was validating my own feelings (that he ignored and wanted me to also). I had enough self worth and esteem left in me that I got angry at him in my own intellectual way. I questioned his seemingly continuous deception. I began firmly placing boundaries without fear. He carried on with how I shouldn’t feel this way or that way and the usual blame and shame junk these personalities pull and I stood my ground. That is incredible growth for me! I don’t speak up, ever,….and this forced me to. I don’t usually show anger either, but it was being expressed. I was practicing the skills of validating feelings, boundary setting, and expressing displeasure. All those are big, beautiful growing flowers in my own typical doormat/avoidance personality. I still have anger (in a sense of feeling violated by a fake and ignoring my intuition) that is useful and I feel necessary to work through this productively.
He lied about common things and I caught him in larger lies and it always was placed on me….why don’t I trust him. That’s all he had. Well, certainly after being repeatedly lied to by someone, do we continue to give our trust to them? He love bombed me and I saw all sorts of red flags in the beginning but chose to ignore them. My therapist says it is because I was starved for attention myself (less than a year out of a 12 year marriage). It makes plenty of sense! In hindsight, a lot of the things he said to me (other than his projecting) were true- during the valuation phase that is. I am all the lovely, wonderful qualities. That is what we all should hang onto….they mirror us perfectly in the beginning. All that happiness during that valuation stage was our doing, not the artificial human/exN. During his devaluing stage was when my well of esteem reared it’s head. I gave him 3 strikes for disrespect (unfortunately after too many strikes for dishonesty). This gives me the confidence now that I didn’t overreact, because I allowed him to step over the line enough already. It was ENOUGH. Probably the saddest thing I sit with is that he was a terribly irresponsible parent and I spent plenty of time prompting him and trying to shape him into a better dad. This exN was basically irresponsible as a whole but it’s tough to grasp a situation that seems neglectful.
At the 6 month point (of a 9 month relationship) the fog cleared up and I had to come to terms that I did all I could and I couldn’t listen to the exN manipulative words, and words, and more words and have such a fear in a relationship. I guess I got to the point where I wasn’t afraid of getting him out of my life.
I read from some article that NPDs are likened to having a 2 year old operating a vehicle (or lives and our relationship).
I feel I am one of the lucky women due to not going back to him, but rather sticking to a hasty retreat. Granted, he has not made it easy with calls and texts daily. At first, about 25% of the communication I listened to or read. But then I realized it only made me ill (my body reacted in this manner when my exN was around- headaches, gi upset, nervousness and I even ignored my body’s signals or red flags) I ended up finding an application for my phone (called mr. number) that will hang up on his calls and trash his texts. I only receive a symbol notification that he is attempting contact still. It has made this process easier to not see or hear anything. Additionally, I am lucky that we don’t live nearby one another, so due to this there are no drop ins or chance we will run into each other. I have reached the point that if he happened to try another form of a hoover maneuver, I could call my protective neighbor and ask him to tell the exN to leave my property.
Reading over what I just typed it may seem like I wasn’t in love with this man-child but everything I am typing tonight is out of anger and frustration of him not leaving me alone to carry on with my life and heal. He made it a point, during a hate period (love/hate) to send me an email through the dating site we met on. Emotionally stunted and callous, he begins the dating process the day of our break up. But yet, in an abusers nature, he still wants power/control of me even though it is over.
The best revenge you can do to these monsters is to ignore them. We should all make it our goal to not become a member of their fan club that they can pull us in and push us away at their own convenience. They took away enough from us already. Let them hear crickets and wonder about us for a change. It is best to walk away with no show of emotion and silence. That’s how you handle them.
Mine will break a promise, like what we were going to do together, and when I say, trying to be up front and adult, “When you don’t follow through, it seems like you don’t care about my feelings as much as what you want to do” – a comment like that…he will then go into a sh sh sh mode like you would with a child – arm around me, patting my back even…and if I draw back and say, “No, I am going to make it clear what I think of your not keeping your word” then boom! arms up in the air, voice raised up, heads for the door, “I’M NOT GOING TO ARGUE back and FORTH about this b*****t!” instantly…every time…
I have known this man for 17 yrs. I divorced my husband of 28 years, dx’d antisocial personality disorder, Feb/’13 finalized. Within a few months I was involved with a man in a wheelchair who I knew from college 30 yrs before, para’d by drunk driver 20 yrs ago…that gentleman makes this current connection look like a piece of cake – and I think he was that way years ago, long before the accident. Raging, accusatory, hurtful, hateful comments about me, my daughters, my life, my decisions, calling all hours of the night to “chat” while he cathed – oh my god, I was letting myself be such a hostage to pity for him and wanting to help…
He got so twisted the very last time I saw him, who knew it was possible, but he would turn his wheelchair backwards in his van (no driver’s seat) and we would talk like that, me in right passenger seat…the last time I saw him and said, This is just really it, I am not dealing with your tyranny anymore…the next thing I knew his big *long* arms and very strong from moving from bed to wheelchair…he wrapped his arms around me, screaming and *crying* and wailing and rocking the whole damned van…my god in heaven…who knew you could basically be assaulted and held like that by a man with no working legs?
So the “friend” of so many years loses his only child, a son, to suicide just over 2 years ago…I knew this young man…I thought I could help as I lost a younger beloved brother to suicide many years ago (he was married to the most supreme example of predatory N you could ever find, in a Barbie body)…any time my “friend” decides I am not doing something right, and I walk on eggshells every minute I am around him, he will resort to the drastic rage about his son – Father’s Day, the boy’s birthday, whatever day I have tried to help assuage the hurt – sabotaged with crazy making rants and vile ugly comments at me…and he informed me that the man in the wheelchair wanted me “on his terms.” Yet does every single thing the same, just not as horrifically masterful as the para’d man.
So ex husband, same type of N dated in high school, recently saw him and exactly the same…the para’d man…this “friend” and someone I thought 2 yrs ago I would be able to help and be with…
Informed that it is “always about you!” if you met me you’d tell me to get with the program, go out, wear makeup, buy some clothes, have fun, speak up, stick up for yourself! my lovely amazing friends keep telling me these things…he only compares me to younger women (I am 51, he is 61) and how I oughta wear that type of outfit –
I was so under the brainwashing of the para’d man that I underwent a colonoscopy after losing weight due to divorce and daughter getting married (it was so pretty and sweet, only good spot recently)…I am on anticoagualants as a heart valve patient…they have to take you off of them for that test…I ended up having a major stroke 2 weeks later…
My 50th birthday was the week after a major stroke that affected the left side of my body…that N crazy man, wheelchair be damned, called and screamed at me about all sorts of things, I cried and cried and cried, this was only 3 weeks after my friend’s boy had died…he shows up at the door with a birthday present, honestly, the only human that brought me anything that day…other peopel just really busy…
The para’d man said, “Oh and yeah, happy birtthday” after making me crumble.
This long long long description is mostly to say…I get it…I know why I do this, I know why my brother married a woman like our mother and committed suicide, I know why our other brother has serial marriages that fail…our sister a suckup sycophant to our abusive parents to this day…
These men are all like my father – scathingly critical, smart, into certain topics so much they are experts (I mean real experts, like history, machinery, airplanes, all three of which my father excels in)…
He has never ever told me he loved me. He has always let our mother abuse us in every way possible and looked after himself. He picks at nothing, but ignores huge issues…he is 90 in December she died 15 months ago…
I swear to God I am constantly trying to find this familiar crappy connection…for their approval, their notice, their appreciation…and it awlays always always goes to hell.
Codependency is a word young women and young men should really know from about age 13 on up…
Why do we pursue even friendships with people who put us down?
I have walked away from women who treat me like garbage…I guess the tie with my mother in that sense…
Men, however…if there is a glimmer it seems of psycopathy, I seem to glom on and grip tight and try to wrangle the whole crazy thing into what it will never be – healthy.
March 28 is the date I knew it was “point of no return” as Savannah prescribes with this farmer…he told me he needed to go through some of his late son’s things, it would be raining good day to be inside and would I help him…so I cancelled plans with my daughter and grandbaby girl that I don’t see very often to help him “moral support” he said he needed…called from store on way to farm getting stuff for stew he asked me to make…”Oh, yeah, well I am going to Chantilly with Billy to a gun show today…”
I went off. I went OFF…two days before, he says, he’d changed his mind about my being there and “I want to do what I want to do, changed my mind, you can just deal with it,” then slimed it up by saying he needed a break from teh room…notice not a break from the room with ME but with one of his safe, just like him shut down bubba friends. Who is so mean to his lovely wife that even this man is like oh crap…
Yep. Someone tells me they need my help, this day, this time, I am shopping for food and find out in a grocery aisle you schmucky jerk, that you have replaced me just like you do every weekend with gun show trip with one of your cronies…
Well…you just did me a huge favor…
And I was told in regards to this moment…”If you don’t get your way, you get bent out of shape.”
Kudos to me for saying, “You are the LAST person on this planet who will ever talk about anyone else getting bent out of shape.”
Like telling my mtoher she was last person I’d ever take marital advice from, the mean hateful hurtful woman.
Thank you for reading this far…
It’s just a road map of my life that I realize now shows so much damage down inside of me…the heart surgery was 7 years ago this coming Sunday…all sorts of setbacks with what was supposed to be a new lease on life…
My kids are the real balm when I think I just cannot stand one more minute of whatever has come along.
I hope my words help someone out there.
This whole site validates my lettign this man say and do whatever he wants in our community and not reacting. He lives less than a mile away, drives by my house several times with farming errands, not stalking…I know each truck by its sound – there are 5 lol.
I have driven them. I love his dogs, they love me…
It is what it is. which is nothing at all but a world of hurt.
Oh he lost his mom when he was 18 months old, never bonded with any parent, raised by aunt and uncle, she tore him to pieces (photo is proof enough of her hard personality)…
So just a train wreck…
Me as well.
My best to each of you out there…
Never ever ever ever give up. Winston Churchill
Here I am, 10 days into my breakup. And boy am I freaking pissed off.
I’m angry for what I allowed my N to do to me. I’m angry that I did not listen to my inner voice and gut feeling that told me to “RUN AWAY!” when I met him.
I’m angry that I handed him my power, sought validation from him, let him verbally put me down. I’m angry that I supported him while he did not work. I’m angry that I almost financially ruined myself because he was a lazy P.O.S. that didn’t want to contribute.
WTF was I thinking?
I’m also angry that he’s out on the prowl. I see him as a parasite and walking public and mental health hazard. I am angry that he is going to do this to another woman.
I’m angry that he’s going to “upgrade” and find someone with more money, a better job, nicer car, who is better looking. I was his “upgrade” and opened him to a new socioeconomic world. Now that he’s comfortable in those environments, he can upgrade.
I’m angry that he’s going on with his “life” as though nothing happened. I’m angry that he will learn nothing from it, is thankless for all of the things I did for him, and doesn’t care how he abused me mentally and financially, and nearly ruined my life.
I’m angry that I wonder what he is doing when I know I shouldn’t.
I’m angry that he has managed to coast through his life for 34 years and leech off of people. Leech off of women, his mother, and his friends who enable, house and feed him.
I’m angry that he simply exists in this world.
I’m letting myself feel these emotions instead of burying them. That way I can hopefully let go.
Soon, I will channel my anger. I will go back to martial arts training — which I love dearly and abandoned while I was with him. I will channel this anger back into investing in myself.
This is going to be my struggle. The anger. I understand why I did what I did, how I participated and am holding myself partially responsible without beating myself up.
I am fortunate that I finally grew the balls to leave when I did, as my credit score is still OK, I was able to get my finances back on track quickly. I lost two years of my life, but I am still young.
I was filled with resentment toward him for so long, as our relationship was ending. I cannot believe how much I screamed, cried and even became verbally abusive toward him because it was so frustrating to talk to a brick wall and I was sleep-deprived, depressed, exhausted, unhappy and crazy. I was on adrenaline for most of our relationship. Fight or flight. Fearing his abandonment. He was an alcoholic and I had the “if you can’t beat him, join him” attitude and started drinking heavily myself — which really negatively affected my health, life and looks (now I know why Lindsay Lohan looks SO much older than her real age, that stuff and not sleeping will WRECK you).
I’m so freaking pissed and I’ve gotta find a healthy way to release it. I want to be happy again. I’m tired of feeling resentment and having a heart full of hate.
“Resentment is like drinking poison, hoping the other person will die.”
This post is to NARC repellant—OMG, I’m you. I’m 10 days into this, feeling like crap. My boyfriend was an alcoholic that did all those exact same things to me. His ex wife called him a narc–but I didn’t really know what that meant. Now I do. And she was right. It’s a horrible horrible thing and I wish I could stay in anger longer. I keeps leaving me and I don’t know why. I’m still having a hard time with no contact. My brain knows but my heart keeps overriding t. Thank you for your post. It makes me feel normal.
Hi I have been reading your articles which may I add that has made me feel a lot better knowing it was not me who was going mad. In relationships before I have never been mentally tortured in the way I did previous. I am trying too understand what the relationship was. I met my previous partner in 2004 I was hes receptionist. When I first met mark I had a instinct attraction but found out he was married. That did not stop the flirty side from him. In 2005 I was made redundant Mark kept in touch a few phone calls. Then out the blue he phoned me telling me his marriage ended. We started dateing at first Mark was like no other partner, he was so generous, I was his princess, gifts at work flowers days away in hotels. I remember thinking why didn’t his wife want him. I fell so in love with mark. In December that year he taken me too his xmas party, which then I learned he had a affair with a 25 year old girl as she was mad that he took me too the party I then realised why I was there too rub her face in it as he walked out on his marriage for her then was punishing her with me.. After knowing this I stupidly didn’t leave him but was always checking his phone or phoning him while away. Mark after 5 months started too change in behaviour he became distant angry all the signs of what I have read. I became rejected a lot lonely, begging him for the man I fell in love with. He would punish me when I didn’t please him, or speak the truth, mark knew my fear was loneliness so he would torture me by making me go home and not return my calls for months putting the phone down, not letting me sleep in the same bed etc. My heart and soul was hurting the pain became so terrible the punishment became more and more in depth. I couldn’t understand what was happening, why he had changed was it me. Years went by I became lost my soul was destroyed after years of fighting his control and power the angry side the abusiveness the loneliness the rejection the not allowing too hurt the not allowing too speak the pleasing him just him. My life was involved in him doing what pleased him. I started too think more before I spoke because of saying the wrong thing I would be punished. Not too hurt in front of him or cry. Not too have any motions just lost me too keep him. He kept asking me too commit with getting a house mortgage or letting. I knew if I parted with all my savings which may I add he wanted too go on my deeds with all my cash, take on both kids, that were signs of the same personality as him my life was over.
Eventually he left me two years ago for another women whilst with me, she has power good job money house etc. Mark was the same as he was with me so fast, he moved in within six months and still at present. I for two years have suffered with pain lost, tears, etc wanting too end my life because of blaming myself for not doing enough not understanding why he did all these things then destroy me then walk away with out no remorse. The new partner has what he needed from me a house money good job etc.he could spend have the life without worrying.
Read the whole site today & this has been my life for 2 years … I feel broken !! I went n/c for 4 weeks & changed my mobile number but he then started following me & leaving notes through my door . I eventually text & said I had moved on & was happy then his anger started lots of abusive messages & when I finally answered my phone he kept telling me I was f@cked up & should kill myself & that I was mad with no chance of a future …. After crying a river I left him a voicemail saying if he contacted me again I would go to the police & do you know what I will . I can’t deal with this pain anymore . I am too fat too thin too smart too thick he loves me then goes AWOL for weeks with n/c . Cheats on me lies to me is verbally abusive & if I moan he walks out for 2 weeks !!! The worst part is I believed that it was partly my fault that he was like this when I know in my heart I am true kind thoughtful loving & just addicted to a narc . I pray I have the strength to stay away & I wish you all the strength to reclaim your lives & find happiness . Get angry your life could depend on it !!!
My exN and I hit our first rocky patch in our relationship about three weeks in. He was teasing me, being a “brat”, as he liked to call it. I asked him no less than 6 or 7 times to please stop what he was doing and he simply ignored any of my requests and even stepped up his teasing. I finally turned towards him, with my voice raised and told him that he was about to succeed in really pissing me off for the first time since we started seeing each other. I am still astounded at his reaction, he withdrew from me, gave me a little bit of the silent treatment and then later told me that my anger, which had erupted out of nowhere, was a huge red flag in his eyes. When I tried to discuss what happened and pointed out that I thought my reaction had been justified, he brushed me off, saying we would only go around in circles trying to talk about it.
For the remaining weeks of our relationship I bottled up my anger at some of his antics, rudeness and insults. He had me well trained.
In retrospect, I should have walked out that first time, because I do remember the thought crossing my mind that this was someone who would not respect my boundaries.
Absolutely. Ever part of this is true. The one thing that my narco would use in response to my anger would be to tell me that I was “an angry person” that I should “get help” for my anger for the sake of the other people in my life.
That was his way of turning it back around on me – like my anger was unhealthy. But you know what? My anger isn’t unhealthy. I am not angry at anyone else in my life and no one else in my life suffers from my anger – because they aren’t jerks who treat me horribly.
Another classic example of avoiding responsibility. What a loser.
Hi all, I was just talking about this today with a friend,she asked me if I ever got angry in the relationship.i said no apart from one occasion early on in the relationship,we were holidaying in South Africa where he is from,at his dads house,my ex narc promised me we would go to the elephant park that day,a once in a life time experience,I was so looking forward to it,I woke up that morning to find him drinking with a buddy,I said I thought we were going to the elephant park,he dismissed how upset and disappointed I was,I internalised my pain and anger and started to drink myself,I don’t drink much but on this occasion I drowned my sorrows,then I began to let rip on him how hurt I was and selfish he was,I shouted at him not in my nature,but was so hurt that he didn’t seem to care,he had also ignored me on this holiday prior to the incident,I got mad and angry,he held his head in his hands,then all of a sudden stood up and raised his fist to me,he walked away but I was in shock,his dad saw it through the window and chased after him and hit him hard several times,and told him to go back to his mother as she was the only one who would listen to his shit my ex narc Kay on the ground in the foetus position,and left me for two days at his dads no word from him.his mother later told me I needed to toughn up.i think from then on I was subconsciously frightened to ever speak up or get angry with him again,for the fear of what may happen,just like you I never stood up,tried to please in fear of abandonment.i was obsessed with this man and thought I could not be without him I thought it was love,I apologised to him,he never to me,said I had pushed him to it and embarrassed him in front of his family.i believed him and felt guilty for causing trouble,.he never did that again in 6 yrs,but only I think because I was to scared to get angry or say how I felt if he upset me.i could see his anger though bubbling under his skin.i didn’t know how to channel my anger,so it came out in me feeling needy,insicure and irrational,I guess it the same for the narc,just that they don’t care and can see no wrong in there behaviour,so ther is no room for learning,we can learn to dispense our anger in a more healthy way. thanks Savannah,I read all your posts and they seem to come at the right time always,x Bless you x
Hi Savannah – another fantastic article 🙂 thank you. It really speaks to me as I had a huge fear of abandonment when I was with exN and spent most of my days feeling absolutely petrified that he was going to leave me. Of course he did a few times but always came back until the day I left and never went back. Best decision I ever made.
Wow….the reasons you stayed with your guy resonate with me. I have been with my “abuser” for 3 years, of which I have been subjected to unbelievable disrespect and humiliation. Why am I still with him?? I believe the biggest reason is fear….fear of being alone, which is funny because I’m alone being with him anyway. Plus I am a people pleaser. And yes, I’m addicted to him.
The latest was after sleeping with him, yet again, he went into his usual mode of disconnect. He told me that after we have sex, he feels so guilty because he can’t commit to me. So he goes and sleeps with girl 2 and girl 3 and girl 4, then circles back around to me.
Time for me to get angry and stay angry. I’ve been nice for 3 long years, and I’m still in the same place I was when we started seeing one another. Ugh!
This article is amazing, it is so true about being trained to suppress our anger by the Narcissist. Of course, survival mode is too push aside our anger. Usually the confusion from their demeaning disrespectful behaviour spins our heads with shock….the anger gets put away for fear of more painful behaviours from the Narcissist. Your article came at a great time for me, i still feel hurt and discarded but yet so angry for the injustice. I thought my anger meant i wasn’t moving on, but I now realise it’s actually helping me move on…..I am acknowledging the disgusting ways he treated me over and over rather than burying them in my psyche when he was around (for rational fear of his repercussions, his twisting, his games, his threats to abandon, and his callous silent treatment). Never again shall i go through this, i learnt my lesson.