We’ve all heard the phrase, you’re making mountains out of molehills, which of course means, you’re making something out to be bigger than it really is. When you’re a codependent, or have low self-esteem, you have a tendency to do the opposite and dismiss big, important issues as unimportant or insignificant.
Case in point: My neighbor called out to me, as I was getting out of my car, last Thursday. She asked me if I wanted to grab some dinner. Who am I to turn down conversation, a meal and a cocktail? So I said sure and off we went.
When I first met this neighbor, three years ago, she was lost. She was divorced and involved with a man, who she was deeply in love with, but he had a tendency to repeatedly toss her aside and sleep with other women, whenever the mood stuck him.
I had tried to counsel her back then, but she wasn’t ready to hear what I had to say, so when she would come to me for advice, she was always quick with a rebuttal, a dismissal and what she deemed a valid argument. I learned long ago that if you ask me what I think, all I can do is give you the information that I acquired and what insight I have and what you do with it, is out of my hands.
Her argument was always, “You just can’t shut people out of your life. None of us are perfect. We’d all be alone forever, if we all sat around and waited for the perfect friend, or the perfect man to show up.” This in answer to my statement that she needed to rid her life of the toxic people in it. She would talk of loving everyone unconditionally and the importance of helping people, but mostly she was consumed with the notion that she and her lover had a deep spiritual connection, so she couldn’t leave him and she was not open to having her opinion challenged. She didn’t really want my opinion, I realized. What she wanted was for someone to agree with her and tell her she was doing the right thing.
Two years later, my neighbor has made some huge changes and just being around her energy, it was easy to see and feel that she wasn’t the same person. She had been no contact with her lover for more than a year, she meditated every day and was feeling really good about herself and it showed.
We were having a great time, laughing and joking and mid sip of my mango Daiquiri (don’t judge, it was delicious) she dropped a bomb shell on me. “I slept with Mark last night,” she said.
“Oh,” I replied. “I thought you weren’t in contact with him anymore?”
“I called him,” she said. “I’m single, he’s single. I’m so over it Savannah. It really isn’t a big deal.”
I explained the Law of Addiction to her, which states – Administration of a drug to an addict will cause re-establishment of chemical dependence upon the addictive substance.
“Savannah I’m not addicted to him. I’m a different person now. It really doesn’t matter to me if he comes and goes, or who he goes out with and you know what? We have a really strong bond between us. It will always be there. I think that we’re soulmates. There is such a deep love between us. It doesn’t matter how much time passes, I know it will always be there.”
Internally I am doing face palm, after face palm and I began to tell her a story:
“I use to smoke when I was a teenager. I quit for 5 years, until one day I thought it would be fun to have a drag of a friend’s cigarette. I was long over it, I told myself. It has no power over me anymore, I said. Later that day I asked for a whole cigarette, not just a drag. Before the end of the next day I had purchased a whole pack of cigarettes and it had me in its grip again. I then had to start the weaning process all over again. If you reengage with this guy again, on any level, regardless of how in control of the situation you feel, you will get sucked back into it again – this I promise you,” I told her.
“You say you don’t care if he comes and goes, or who he’s with, because a) you’re lonely and you are justifying it with, I’d rather have a piece of someone, than no one at all and b) he has successfully eroded your expectations and trained you to accept his shitty behavior and not expect much from him.
You don’t have a deep love and connection together. He’s not in love with you, because you don’t treat people the way he has treated you and claim to love that person. But you’re really not in love with him either, you’re in love with the intense feelings you experience when you go into the soaring part of the relationship cycle, after a withdrawal. You tell yourself you can handle the crashing, just as long as you get to experience the soaring too.”
My neighbor is the kind of person that tends to interrupt and not let you finish your thought when she doesn’t like what you’re saying, so I had to keep asking her to let me finish. She tried to justify, minimize and argue my every point and she kept reiterating that she would be okay if he left her again to sleep with other women.
“People just sleep together all the time Savannah,” she triumphantly threw at me.
“That’s true,” I said, “But you’re not just any people and this isn’t just any relationship.” I continued. “Whether you admit it or not, you want more from him and you’re hoping he’ll realize suddenly, that you’re the one and he’ll change who he is for you. You can’t, in one breath say that the two of you share a deep love and then claim that it’s just sex. You have made such amazing progress, all after you stopped engaging with him. It would be a shame if you had to start all over again.
It is after all your life. You can do what you want, but let me just finish by saying that people who love and respect themselves don’t continue to put themselves back into situations that don’t serve them and are harmful to their self-esteem. Cheating is a big deal, lying is a big deal, treating the person you claim to love, like they mean nothing to you, is a big deal.
It doesn’t matter that the pain of the initial sting has worn off – all that means is that you’re resilient and that’s great, but it doesn’t make it okay, and we can’t just minimize it because it doesn’t hurt so much now. That’s like saying it’s okay that someone shot you, because it wasn’t a fatal shot. No it’s not. Just because you didn’t die doesn’t make shooting you okay. When you just look at the fact that you got over it and it didn’t kill you and not the act and the intention behind it, you’re missing the entire point.
Healthy people, that love themselves, don’t think it’s okay that someone intentionally hurt them. They know that once you show that you can betray them and that you can be deceitful, that’s enough for them to make the call that they gave you a chance and determined that you don’t get to be a part of their life anymore and they’re good with that decision.”
My neighbor was quiet and pensive for a minute. When she opened her mouth to speak again I braced myself for another face palm.
“You may have a point Savannah,” she said.
I smiled and let out the breath I was holding. “I’ll take that,” I said and ordered another drink.
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My (now-ex) partner cheated on me, waited a week to tell me and then when we had a talk on if we stayed together or not, was making passes at another person online. She passed it off as a concerned ‘friend’ and I didn’t question it.
My excuse is that I did not treat her well in the relationship. Which is true, I was not ‘there’ as I should have been (I never cheated, ever). I find it odd that I’m making these excuses and allowing her lies and cheating to become molehills.
What a great site:) My exNarc and I have 2 daughters after 18 yrs together (I have full custody, he lives with him mum – sadly also a narc). I do ‘no contact’ as best I can, but kids do mean some contact. I have been told ‘no-one will ever lover you like I do’ (I hope hot!). He didn’t work for years, was controlling, manipulative, denigrating, financially abusive,all the things I read here). He was starting to get my 5yr old daughter to disrespect me (Dad, here’s Mum, she’s the weak parent isn’t she?). I sucked up all the excuses I had been making for him when I realized that my 2 daughters were going to either become victims or abusers themselves (I was the product of neglected/abusive/co-dependent parenting myself). What a hard road to take, but it was necessary – the Universe had been urging me to do this for a long time. With time my physical complaints went away, I lost weight without trying (no stress/emotional eating) and started looking after me, finding out who I was again. It is only 18 mths but I already feel like a new person and my friends NOTICE!! I feel so happy (most days). But when I feel unhappy I appreciate that it is MY unhappy feeling, not the negative feelings that were constantly fed to me by my exNarc. There have been a lot of tears, and there will be more, but I am free to be me and love me again. Celebrate.
Reread this article and comments. 2 months no contact now. Being a bit of a struggle lately. Had thoughts of the good times. But i know better.
I keep emails i found and letters he wrote and those he received to remind me of how bad it was. And it was bad. Being queen of the harem wasn’t my idea of a good life.
The highs of the love bombing and the no boundary intensity is addictive like a drug. Narcissist victims talk like heroin addicts about their desired object.
This was written about me, my story! Truely unbelievable but wonderful that I am through the other end now. Mine carried on for 15 years on and off all the time. I never wanted to believe he was with other women, as long as he came back to me then I just learnt to except less and less. In the very end he only came back for sex and he never even stayed for coffee, I hated myself s much afterwards that gradually I weaned myself off of him. I am still on my own after a few now but better that than to go back to a suicidal relationship.
I’m not the neighbor yet and do not want to be. I agree with Larry’s comment about sex without love is just a form of masturbation. My N has an addiction to masturbation to the point where he degrades me in the process. Maybe it’s just me but when your boyfriend can’t get satisfied with you but makes you bend over so he can satisfy to the view of your rear end…to me that’s degrading. I don’t know whether to take that as an insult or compliment. He is a habitual liar. I catch him in lies all the time and he gets enraged. I can’t trust a man that Carrys his phone everywhere even in the bathroom and is very sneaky and shady with it. He’s a major control freak and very munipulative. I don’t know if he’s cheating but why do I have to HAVE the need to catch him so I can leave? He lives in MY house. Why do i want the worst for him? He has me so insecure about myself to the point I’m jealous of him. I don’t want another woman to fall for his charm. He’s a chubby Italian/Ukrainian man that really can be great at times but deep down I know I’ll never be #1 priority in his life. His work will be the main priority and the way he charms other people too. My best friend sent me this poster saying which is blunt to the point….
Closure is a joke. The only apology you need, is the one you owe yourself
For staying as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have &I the only person you need to see again, is the person in the mirror. Look at yourself & say “you know what, I f*cked up. My worth is more than that”. That’s your closure.
Don’t keep dancing with the devil & wonder why you are still in hell!
I think that very true and one of these days I will get the courage to do it. I’m starting to see the light at end of tunnel but need to get through some webs first. I don’t wana be the neighbor. I want to be happy and get my life back. I wana be my social self again and see my friends. I just don’t know why he has to be like this. I fell in love with him for a reason but it’s starting to fade. I’m bored with his lies and watching him sleep cuz his priorities wore him out and his hand too lol. Doesn’t want to get intimate with me so why doesn’t he just let me go and he can go find a slutty girl that likes to be treated like prostitute??? Ugh so frustrating.
Sometimes this is the reason that a man truly looking for love has such a hard time with women. A guy like this is poisoning a lot of women. He may have dozens he is abusing. I will never again settle for just sex when I want both. Sex without love is just another form of masturbation, only this time you hurt other people.
So did your friend stop communication or did she fall off the wagon again after being reunited with her lover?
Hate my narc with a passion, there’s no way I would let him back! When hell freezes over… Never!
I however suspect he is stalking me since I have a new partner, which is nothing short of annoying! I’ve had to put in security at home as a result and if I catch him, it will be straight to the police and an AVO to get rid of him for good. Some people just don’t get the message to buggar off…
Lived with narc four years. Cheating, lying, controlling, manipulation from this handsome, charismatic man everyone calls Prince Charming. I thought I could be the one to change him. What an idiot I was. Classic discard during Xmas/New Years. Six months no contact, but we work at the same place. Hoovering has just begun. Ugh. Friendly, charming email two weeks ago. Yesterday I felt oddly compelled to look out my office window, and there he was…walking across the grass (where no one walks, where he has never walked) directly toward my window,lingering outside. I couldn’t look away. He looked thinner. Immediately I felt sucked in – he looks forlorn, where’s he going? Is he going to meet the girl who gave him cookies for Xmas? Within five seconds of seeing him, I’m spinning in circles again. I pressed my face against the glass to watch him walk away. Could it be a coincidence that he’s walking by my window, I thought. As I’ve been typing this comment, a new charming email popped up from him. Oh crap. I’m back in the vortex. Savannah, without your blog I never would have made it this far. I know what I have to do. Distract myself. Ignore his emails. Do not look out the window anymore. Do everything I can to build up my self-esteem. He is a mirage in the desert and I don’t want to drink the sand anymore. Thanks, everyone. Reading your comments helps me stay strong. Good luck. We all deserve SO much better.
Spinning in Circles, I greatly enjoyed reading your post. It was like I was there with you, pressed against the glass. You’re a good writer.
Addiction and withdrawal are a bitch. I’m FINALLY putting my energy into me again in healthy ways. Have been for about 6 months now. It feels great! While standing IN the pain it’s hard to see that you’ll ever exit pain. But, alas…back to me.
I realised 4 weeks ago that my boyfriend was pre-occupied and distant. O gave him space as he is going through a lot of emotional things in his life. We have been in a long distance relationship the past 12 months. I have heard the odd warning bell but being long distance you think it’s your own insecurities haunting you.
4 weeks ago he had trouble with phones and we could not speak for 4 days. I became frantic with worry and did all I could to try and reach him. He surfaced in town a day later with long stories about mobile phones letting him down and not being able to call. We made an arrangement to chat later that night. He told me he was missing me, that he loved me and wanted me to make arrangements to come to the farm. I never heard from him that evening and the next day I left him 2 messages. I knew something was amiss and left it. Decided to give him space.
Yesterday I found out, that his phones had packed up again and was hoping that I will make contact with him, and after 4 days of not hearing from me, he happened to get a message from his ex, and now 3 weeks later they are engaged, and it’s my fault for letting the communication go.
I know it’s not my fault. I know he is lying. But I am so broken.
Crazy as this sounds to you right now, be glad and enjoy the time that you are angry at him and know that it is not your fault. We were probably all there, and it was awful, but the harder part comes when you finally realize that you are better off without him–and he comes back and pursues you.
I totally identify with your neighbor. I went 3 years no contact and thought I could be in control. Boy was I wrong…
Was married to a Narc for 30 years. History repeats itself. I finally had the courage to leave. I’m still fighting him in Court 5 years later for my portion of the house.
Going no contact was easy, since he connived our kids to hate me with all his lies. I went no contact with the kids as well.
You really find out who you are and what you’re capable of accomplishing in life when you do it yourself. Self esteem is by doing. Going beyond SPLAT, as Dr Laura says.
By staying, it just holds your life back that much longer. You are a valuable human, don’t let an evil soul corrupt your good soul another day. You deserve a good life. Go away from the pit and go to the light. A new life where you are in control.
I’ve wasted 30 years, you don’t have to.
For me it is always wishing things were like they never were–that they were like my dream that we were soul-mates; we certainly never were. But No Contact is something that I have never achieved. And when you have children, you likely will never achieve literal No Contact in that you will never see them–there are times when you will literally SEE them, but I have decided that I can probably in those rare circumstances AVOID INTERPERSONAL CONTACT. Right now I will see him on Sunday when we move our daughter to college. I was planning to do it, but now he says he is going to drive up there, too. I can’t stop that, and neither do I feel to back out and say, “Well, if Dad’s going, then I’m not going.” But what I CAN do is to avoid any contact beyond the most superficial. And then I can maintain NO CONTACT for 2 weeks, when he is also going to a MMA event that she is in, and again, I am not going to give up my ticket and not go “because Dad is going.” This is not as easy as if we didn’t have kids. It takes determination, but just because I see him does not mean that I have to interact with him. Where I get drawn in for those situations is when he looks like a sad little puppy and so I feel sorry for him and I talk with him. I have to remember THAT IS JUST AN ACT THAT WORKS. I got drawn in that way last spring at a sports banquet. When graduation came around I was able to completely avoid him. I can do it; I just have to watch myself.
I cannot tell you how many times I noticed myself making mountains out of molehills and then making molehills out of mountains in my relationship with my ex narc.
I would take things that should have caused me to leave the man right away, and make them into insignificant hiccups that “didn’t really matter”. Then when he would do something so small, (something he should have been doing anyway so really it shouldn’t even have counted), and I made that into a MOUNTAIN, thinking “WOW he is so GREAT!! I am so lucky!!
I allowed myself to be treated absolutely horribly and it took its toll. My self esteem was lowered. I actually began to think I really couldn’t do better than him, and at one point I even started believing I was ugly and didn’t deserve him!
I know now that sick attracts sick, and health attracts health. I was emotionally sick when I met him, so of course I attracted an emotionally sick man.
For me, I see I attract a man whose health level is similar to my health level. Therefore I want to be as emotionally healthy as possible so I will get the best man I can get for me.
Unsurprisingly, the healthier I get, the pickier I get and the more happier I am by myself.
While it was horrible to go through what I went through with a narcissist; I am wiser for it, and healthier. It exposed all my emotional sickness and then I was able to start working on healing.
I am a changed person and I like to think I am wiser for it, so in some ways I am thankful for the narc I dated. I wouldn’t have even thought about getting healing if it hadn’t been for him.
Plus, remember ladies, what goes around comes around… they will get their due, if they aren’t already.
Kerry, great question!
THE GOSPEL TRUTH, EXPERIENCED FIRST HAND.
This comes at a perfect time. My ex narc (of 21 years) and I recently separated. He’s been grooming his newest victim for about a year. Now that he’s out of the house, he’s going full bore. He recently got a kitten (I kept our two cats) and have found myself texting him to ask about her (the kitty). I just realized yesterday that I’m drawn to this side of him so much. This is the husband I remember. So I’ve decided that every time I start to get sentimental about him, I will force myself to count off 5 of the most egregious things he’s done to me to counteract the sentimentality. It’s so hard.
Because it’s what narc’s do, he knows my soft spots and plays on them really hard to ensure I will remain his backup supply. I just know I have to be very careful.
And I know I should have no contact with him at all, but we’re still married and our finances are tied together for a while. I’m in school until January and want to remain on his health insurance until I get a job.
Wow…this scares me with the timeliness. After being no contact for 4 months+, I slept with him last night. And I was just like the neighbor in this article. I told myself it was ok. I didn’t have feelings anymore. I can handle it. What prompted it….a simple text from him that said “There is a reason that we continue to be connected and it’s not just about your tight ass and great blow jobs…but those help. You are a real gift. Love u skinny white gurl.” I ate up the entire loaf of bread and invited him over. And I slept with him. And yes, I tell myself that he can go on with his life, sleeping with others, and I will go on with mine. But we all know that’s not true. I’m sure he was gloating when he walked out my door, and he was already starting his retreat act by not even saying goodbye…just walking fast to his car. It was a stupid thing for me to do. Back to the drawing board and no contact.
I need to some help/advice and guidance. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend before and I think he was a narcissist.
I was with him for 10 months (and everything we spoke about was about him) and we were intimate but never had sex (he’s never seen me naked sort of intimate) and he seemed fine with that. He loved the attention I gave him more so than the possibility of sex (I may not have been in his “league” at the time (I’ve since blossomed lol)
He is, however, ruled by his enormous ego. 3.5 years ago, we had an argument over the phone, he took the side of someone else who was badmouthing me and it hurt so badly I didn’t answer his phone call and even went so far as no contact for 3 months. However, we caught up but he was very angry towards me and since then we haven’t spoken. He rang me (something he struggles with because of his avoidant personality/massive ego)and I’m wondering if I give him another go?
It’s been 3.5 years but am I minimizing his bad behaviour or was it just a misunderstanding. I would have hoped he would have chased me but I’m also wondering if I have unrealistic expectations that he would at least call and apologize for being so mean towards me.
She’s making a lot of excuses and rationalizations for her wanting to be with him.
I’m going to quote from your Harem article:
“I recall speaking to a woman, who was involved with the very last Narcissist I dated and she told me that after our Narcissist had hurt her again and again, by constantly blowing hot and cold and making it quite clear that he was never going to give her the relationship that she wanted, she had actually offered to be ‘friends with benefits,’ and even went so far as to tell him that, no guy would ever match up to him. This, after he repeatedly treated her like gum on the bottom of his shoe.
“She was so ready and willing to sell herself short, just to have a piece of him – any piece. It’s almost like the Narcissist casts a spell on his victims, by emotionally extracting away their power, so they feel weak and helpless without him.”
This is exactly what your neighbor is doing w/o realizing it.
I know I speak about my narc ‘friend’ a lot but that’s b/c that was my most painful experience with one as of late. In reading your blogs and other sites, I realized it’s necessary to say, ‘No, how you are is just not good enough.’ Plus, letting them back in puts in their minds that poor treatment is ok.
Were I to let my narc friend back into my life, he would be sweet for about a month, but the same patterns would emerge. I’d always be on the fringe of his life and never an important person to him. I could think I could handle it, but in time, it would only eat away at me and really, what would end up happening is the friendship would be all on his terms once again and I would be letting it happen.
There was a great comment left by someone on one of the other articles where the woman said, ‘Forget these guys. They don’t change.’
She went through a similar thing, let a guy back in, thought she could handle it, till she began pining after him. It wasn’t until her mom set her straight, saying, ‘This is exactly what he wants. Now you’re pining after him. Wake up!’
It’s a losing battle. Let it be lost. A soul mate, a friend, a partner does not blow cold, cheat, lie, manipulate, etc. We need to stop settling for crap and elevate our standards.
Reckless cheaters, with no regard for anyone’s feelings do not change. They are great at casting spells and hoovering and getting their way, ultimately, from those who allow them to do it. So don’t allow them. We need to say, ‘It’s just not good enough!’
Another post that hit home for me. I was your neighbor. Time had passed and I thought we could be “friends”. I am a bit addicted to his “charms” and so called “positive attitude”. But I realized I felt so much better when he was out of my life.
This post is spot on. My stomach aches came back. My energy subsided again. I felt heavy because I knew being friends with him was not right. I hid it from my family as they would have thought I was nuts. And I was.
So I have gone no contact (again) but this time it will stick. It is not love. I am NOT the love of his life. Because how he treats me is NOT love. I get it.
This is a great post and I recognize myself in your friend. When you’ve been on a roller coaster for so long, it’s difficult to get off. The highs are great but the lows are devastating. The longer you remain, the more you suffer loss of self and even further degradation of self esteem. When you finally break free, you feel great, but it’s not over yet. You have to continue to fight for yourself so that you do not fall back into the pattern of continual self-doubt, settling for less than you deserve, or recognizing when you are being mistreated. I liken this to a constant fight just like an addict. Let’s face it, most of us that have experienced low self esteem did not get this way over night. There are lots of contributing life long events and it’s a life long battle to regain self respect. I think this post of making molehills out of mountains is so accurate and I’ve learned to recognize the mountains. When you don’t, you’re only fooling yourself and reducing your self esteem even further.
Replace “people” with “alcohol” when your friends says “you can’t just shut people out of your life.” Um…it is essential that you DO shut them out if you want to be healthy. But it isn’t “them” who shoots us. WE shoot ourselves. We pick up the bottle. We gravitate towards those who make us soar on a high (since we no longer drink). My issue is that the only way I don’t get shot is to keep to myself, and that resembles narcissism. So I’m trying to sort all of this out. I LOVE being with the folks at the yoga studio, or writing groups, but in the work place it’s harder to relate on an authentic level with anyone because they’re all wearing facades. Point is, I feel like I’m really doing good with treating myself good, but it also seems that I am in a small percentage of individuals who accomplish this, and it’s lonely at times, and, at times, I want to feel that “high”…and that has everything to do about addiction and nothing to do with other people and their imperfections.
Mine lives just feet away in another apartment. He looks like the nicest most normal man and sounds like it with one of those great laughs that make people think you are diffident and d generous. Oh what an empty man. Fake Always thinking everything is a game for him to get over people with. His eyes betray him though and he cannot see them. I thought at first it was intensity of the emotion he was trying to convey-it was intensity of desire to see if his lie worked it seems now. And he does not have the sophistication to know he is broadcasting something.
RXCELLENT entry!
This was written for me today. I needed to hear this after being back in contact with my xnarc. Little warning bells were going off that I was going to get sucked back in to something that wasn’t healthy for me. Your post this morning confirmed that. Thank you!
Sadly, I am still addicted too. It’s been over a year since I found the truth out about him. We have 2 children and he still continues to future fake and try to get back with me. I can’t seem to break the addiction . And I sit and wonder why on earth is he doing this ???? ( even tho I know) No contact is incredibly hard for me due to the kids. I’m horrible at setting boundaries and when I do he breaks them and I say nothing ……I just seriously can’t fathom that these people have become this way……I wish I was able to get a grip and not feel the way I do every single day ……. I always look forward to these articles . I start checking Sunday night just in case there’s a new one . They always seem to be just perfect for what I need at the time. Thanks Savannah !
Hello. I’m six weeks into NC after a relationship of nearly forty years (is that a record?). I understand intellectually the theory of NPD behaviour and that I’m co-dependent and trauma bonded to my (ex) partner.
BUT how do I compute all the good, peaceful, nurturing times?? If I’m mis-guided about my love for him and his for mine, how can I trust my judgement about anything anymore?
Unlike what I’ve read to date, my ex (there, I said it) has always talked about his struggle with understanding himself – this has always given me hope that things could improve. Can anyone be that manipulative?
Hi Kerry. The answer to your question ‘can anyone be that manipulative?’ is a resounding yes. It sometimes feels that we all shared the same man, lol, because their behaviour can be so incredibly the same, or with many similarities. An ex boyfriend of mine said the same things that your ex-partner said…how he had no understanding of himself and couldn’t explain his emotions…and that if he can’t understand himself then he doesn’t expect me to be able to! It was a lie to cover up what he was really doing, and is also a pity ploy so that we feel sorry for them and don’t look too closely at their behaviour.
Don’t worry about trusting your judgement at the mo, but my bit of advice is to concentrate on nurturing yourself and learning some critical thinking, then you’ll find that it’ll happen automatically and will be able to spot them a mile a way. Hugs and all the best for your journey. 🙂
Three yrs later with NC for 5 months, I now see pics of him and woman he left me for and I think “I was in love with that?!?” In the beginning I was completely devestated. My world was ripped apart and I was left a sobbing shell of who I once was. The journey is heartbreaking. Finally realizing the one you loved with you whole heart and soul. Trusted with everything you had just threw you out with the trash.
I am writing to you to share that complete no contact is the only way to go. The messages on this site are consistent and provide a great deal of information.
I have been no contact for 18 months and am so glad I am back to my old self. When you are in a relationship with this type of person, you question your own thoughts and feelings. You want so much to have the loving person you thought you knew to be consistent, but they were only a facade. A fraud of a human being who morphs into whatever they think will give them what they want…social status, sex, money whatever…they are compulsive liars.
I knew I was healed when I told his now wife that I wanted nothing to do with him. I explained to her that he’s a liar and always will be. Sadly, no amount of warning will dissuade her…but I did find it curious that she asked me ‘did he ever cheat on you?’ I couldn’t believe it, and am sure she didn’t like my answer…’of course he did….we wouldn’t be talking if he hadn’t cheated on me with you would we? Hmmmm something tells me the devaluation phase has started….sadly their marriage is built on lies…and she’s still buying his BS. Time will tell…
I hate to admit it but I was addicted to my boomerang narc. I knew what I had to do to get out of the vicious cycle but I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t listen to close friends and indeed I would say I could handle it if he made contact but clearly I couldn’t.
I didn’t love him, how could I, he had no good qualities to love, I was just addicted to the highs of getting back together and yes he had managed down my expectations and I belived that this poor treatment was all I deserved.
There is a breaking point, when you realise I deserve better than this and you see them for what they really are, empty human beings.. I asked my best friend ‘will I ever get over this?’ And they replied yes when you stop blaming yourself and realise it’s him not you, block him from reaching you and you will get over this..
I did exactly this and I’ve never felt better.
I do still think about him but everyday it’s getting better and the fog is starting to lift.
Thank you for this great post Savannah…