You’ve done all the right things. You’ve broken up with your Narcissist, you’ve gone no contact and you’ve done your very best to put your focus back on you. But much to your chagrin, your Narcissist is pulling out all the stops, throwing everything at you to try and illicit some type of response.
Unwittingly, throughout your relationship, either through sharing, or information gathering, you have given your narcissist all kinds of clues about your emotional triggers, what your greatest fears are and your most painful hurts.
Your Narcissist knows you. They’ve been doing reconnaissance since the day you met. You may have thought you were getting to know each other through the exchange of information, but really what was going on was that your narcissist was engaging in something much more sinister. They were looking for a way in and the best way to control you. Whether this is conscious behavior or subconscious behavior, a narcissist knows just what information is important enough to be remembered and stored for future use.
So when you’ve finally had enough of their abuse and you tell them to buzz off, don’t be surprised at the extent to which, a narcissist will attempt to hold on.
The Spaghetti Test
When a Narcissist is bent on getting you back they will throw everything at you to see what sticks, much like a chef will throw pasta against the wall to see what hangs on and what bounces off. They will pull no punches and you will see everything you’ve ever said thrown back at you in an attempt to weaken your defenses.
Many of us go into no contact feeling strong and determined to be done with all the madness and then out of nowhere a text message comes in. You’re determined not to open it, but you see it’s a picture. You cave and open it up. It’s a picture of the restaurant you went to on your first date. You roll your eyes and think, pa-leeeeeease, but somewhere, very deep inside, you feel one tiny heart string being pulled. You don’t respond, but your mind starts to travel in that direction. Your phone buzzes again, it’s another text:
Do you remember our first date? It was here. I miss you. We need to talk 🙁
You are determined not to respond, because this isn’t the first time you’ve been here and you know how hard it is to get yourself back to this place, where you’re fed up enough to actually take action to end it, but you feel it, there it is, another heart string pulled.
Your Narcissist has determined that this was a failed attempt, since you didn’t respond, so they decide they have to up their game. They don’t want to seem too eager, because that would reek of desperation, so they wait a day, maybe two, hoping that the seeds they’ve just planted might take root.
They’ve tried sentimentality – that didn’t work, so now they’ll try the connection tactic and your phone goes off again.
I’ve never felt like this before. I can’t breathe without you. I’ve never felt this kind of connection with anyone. What we have is special and I don’t understand how you can walk away from us.
At this point you’re upset that they are making you feel things and that they just won’t go away. A part of you is a little happy that they aren’t giving up without a fight and that the shoe is on the other foot for a change, but you’ve made up your mind, you’re done and you want these messages to stop, so you tell yourself it’s ok to reply. You justify breaking no contact because you aren’t giving in, you’re telling him to stop.
Alex we are over. Please stop contacting me. We both need to move on.
At this point your Narcissist has gotten what they wanted – contact. It doesn’t matter that the contact was negative – they got you to respond, which was their goal. So they make a mental note that feeding you a dose of guilt got the job done, so they throw in some more.
Angela we’re not done. You said you’d always be there for me. Was that a lie? You said that you’d always love me – were you lying then too? I need you and I’m not giving up on us.
You’ve wanted to hear and feel that this man really loves you throughout your entire relationship and here it is. You’re thrilled that he wants you back and the fact that he’s not giving up must really mean he loves you – right? Wrong. The problem now is you’re starting to soften a bit and you justify responding again because you need to respond to these allegations. The nerve of him, after everything he’s done.
No I wasn’t lying, but how much do you expect me to put up with? You’re flirting with other women, you ignore me and treat me like shit. You’re never there for me when I need you and I always feel like I’m being used.
This is better than he had hoped, now he’s got you engaging in a full-fledged conversation. Albeit it’s via text message, but you’re still engaging with him. Now it’s just a matter of planting enough doubt and confusion into your mind about his behavior and then twisting it to somehow make it all your fault, so that you start to doubt your decision and what actually happened.
I wasn’t flirting with other women. That was Crystal. I’ve known her since I was 8, she’s like a sister to me and she was having trouble with her husband. Do you expect me to turn my back on a friend when they need my help? I’ve been really busy lately and going through some stuff. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you, but my issue is almost over and then we can spend all the time together you want. We can go on a trip, anywhere you’d like. Let’s go out to dinner and talk about it.
If nostalgia doesn’t work, they’ll try guilt, if guilt doesn’t work they’ll try pity, if pity doesn’t work they’ll try jealousy…and on and on it goes until they find some hook that gets your attention.
The thing to remember is that when we go no contact it’s for a very good reason. It’s because we realize that we are being abused and manipulated and we need to extricate ourselves from the insanity.
One always has to keep in mind that when a narcissist promises change, they will change, for a while, just long enough until they’ve determined they’ve sucked you back in. Then it’s back to the same ole, same ole. They aren’t interested in your feelings. They’re only interested in what they’re feeling. Everything that is being said to you while you’re attempting no contact is smoke and mirrors. None of it is sincere. This is a game and your Narcissist is only interested in winning. So don’t fall for it.
Their ability to feel empathy is impaired, they can’t fully comprehend how their behavior has made you feel. When there is no comprehension of cause and effect, there is no motive for real change. To them your no contact is just a hoop they have to temporarily jump through, just long enough for them to get you under control again. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that now things will be on your terms, because any change in their behavior would be short lived.
When a Narcissist is pursuing you like this, do not misinterpret this as flattery, or an indication of the depth of their emotions for you. What it really is, is an attempt to control you and a complete disregard for your wishes and your boundaries. If you tell someone no and they continue, that’s incredibly disrespectful and fully indicative of someone whose only interest is in their own needs – not yours.
I’ve discussed in previous blogs about intermittent rewards and how our motivation can be likened to a slot machine. If a Narcissist pulls the lever and gets what he wants all the time, he’ll pull it whenever he has a desire to. If he pulls it and only gets rewarded some of the time, he’s going to keep pulling a lot longer, because he knows it pays off sometimes, so he tells himself he’s just got to be persistent. When he pulls the lever and never gets rewarded, he will learn quickly that pulling the lever gets him nowhere, so he’ll just stop.
That is the place where you want to get your Narcissist after going no contact. That’s why even occasionally replying makes them persist. You’re teaching them that no doesn’t mean no, it means try harder. Give them nothing every time, then and only then, will they stop and go away for good.
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Bravo! This is the best article I’ve read explaining how and why to permanently curve a narcissist. You can’t give them an inch of hope; “IT’S OVER LOSER”, and my actions speak louder than words!
They know as well as I do that each day we stay completely NC with no third party engaging/response, no breaking NC to explain why, I mean not an iota of a response, with complete blocking (because they’re sneaky screwballs and will watch you thinking your posts are secret messages about them), don’t feed the trolls, give them nothing! Because the longer you stay away and completely hidden the more you can remember more of their abuse and see them for exactly who they are: EVIL They don’t want you to think, because when you do that you see right through their front and see them for the monster they truly are. No contact is a way of life to curve those creeps, narcissistic mothers included. No fuel—can’t thrive.
I left a narcissist a year ago, and he still tried to call even though I have blocked him he will leave a voicemail. This article was on point with what I went through and I am glad I can ready it over and over again when I need to.
My narcissitic ex also used “randomness”. He even told me once. Human brains automatically put more importance to things that happen at random intervals long time apart. Since he nearly killed me 10 years ago, he’ll try to look up my social media, my company name etc and send me a message every 1.5 years on average. if he can’t send an email, he’ll send a post card. etc. it’s so hard to get rid of these people. i moved to another continent, that helped loads, but he still finds me. doesn’t phase me, it’s just something unpleasant i got used to.
Bravo! This is the best explanation to permanently curve a narcissist. You can’t give them an inch of hope; “IT’S OVER LOSER”, and my actions speak louder than words!
They know as well as I do that each day we stay completely NC with no third party engaging/response, no breaking NC to explain why, I mean not an iota of a response, with complete blocking (because they’re sneaky screwballs and will watch you thinking your posts are secret messages about them), don’t feed the trolls, give them nothing! Because the longer you stay away and completely hidden the more you can remember more of their abuse and see them for exactly who they are: EVIL They don’t want you to think, because when you do that you see right through their front and see them for the monster they truly are. No contact is a way of life to curve those creeps, narcissistic mothers included. No fuel—can’t thrive.
Yeah I’m involved with a narcissist right now trying to stay no contact. Yeah I still get the text messages I blocked everything on social media and she doesn’t stop. I would also like to point out that women can also be narcissists and I find it kind of one-sided when is all I read is he he he
Not all women
I agree, iv come across two woman that are narcissists in the same place i work.. and the people there, have no idea..
Question – I have moved on from ex-Narc and done so beautifully! My life changed for the better. I’ve been no contact for two years now and recently he has started to hoover. I have blocked him of all social media, phone etc however, is that a form of reaction to his hoovering? Not ever contacting him again is not the issue for me I just want to make sure he doesn’t get supply when he is aware that I’ve blocked him.
This is such a great article. I was a daughter of a narc who taught me to be really tough, mentally. So.. when I gravitated to another narc ( surprise) and MARRIED him – I thought I could handle him. I was so wrong. 14 yrs of on/off dating along with 8 yrs of marriage. We don’t even live together and he still made my life miserable. I am now in no contact ( yes, we have all been there and fell for those irresistible hoovers) but this time after having studied narcissism ad nauseum – have made this the last one. I told him over 2 mos ago when he threatened divorce, to go ahead. He would leave a voicemail every week – like clockwork. Then he started emailing. Next he began the ” I love you BS” and Finally…. he started throwing accusations at me. ( I have survived a smear campaign in the past – and I’m wondering what he will do to try to destroy my reputation AGAIN.) Bottom line…….. Eventually, I am hoping he will FINALLY take responsibility – file for that divorce ( the 2nd time) and get on with his life. I REFUSE to break no contact for any reason. We share nothing – have no kids – and he can GO. Do you want to see a narcissist crack? Lose his cool ( FINALLY) and totally lose control taking YOUR power back?? NO CONTACT. EVER. It is the only thing that works – and it’s better than the sweetest revenge you could ever get. Karma will take care of the rest. Good luck everyone.
I’ve been combing the internet for something that pretty thoroughly explains how a narcissistic ex tries to come back, complete with full examples. I thank the author for this article because it pretty much descries the situation I’m going through currently.
My ex is somewhere in between a narcissist and an extremely passive aggressive person. He’s passive aggressive in the way that he will completely mindf*ck you into thinking he’s done nothing wrong by never reacting in anger (or any emotion for that matter) to anything and being very passive about what he’s really thinking. He was always keeping up his “nice guy” image, but he was secretly always keeping score.
He came into my life like a prince on a white horse ready to carry me away. It was all too soon and too fast, but I didn’t see it at the time because I had dealt with so many men who weren’t ever willing to put in proper effort. The over-effort did freak me out at first, and I should’ve ran then, but I told myself I’d be stupid to walk away from such a good guy.
Well, soon it set in. He suddenly became distant. He quit doing all the sweet things he used to do. I thought at first he was just settling in, but it kept getting worse. He started criticizing little things about me. Random things that made no sense and they were things I had no control over. Half the crap he did made no sense. I would call him out on being rude and he’d act like I was crazy and too sensitive. It drove me crazy. I really began to think I was crazy.
One day, he just dumped me. Told me he wasn’t happy anymore and he wanted to focus on himself. I was crushed. I never thought he’d give up on me. Looking back now, I think there was another girl. I have no evidence to support this but I think that’s what caused him to officially bail.
Well, a month went by of no contact and then he reached out, saying he was sorry, he regretted things, etc. Me, being very emotionally vulnerable still and still having feelings for him, agreed to work on things. Well, as soon as he could see I was still hung up on him, he dropped the effort. I literally felt like I was texting a guy I met off a dating app, much less an ex that had just recently dumped me and was trying to get me back. It was infuriating, so I confronted him about it. He claimed he didn’t see how he was putting in no effort after I laid out multiple examples… ha. A joke, So, i basically ghosted him. Our convo was going nowhere.
I, being an idiot, decided to text him again. Don’t ask me why, I have no idea. So, we started another short-lived chain of texts. Long story short, I caught him in a blatant LIE relating to snapchat, that he refused to own up to. I had proof and he was still lying. So now, he was a liar (maybe he had been all along). I, again, stopped talking to this guy all together, and a week ago (another month after all this), he texted me aggressively demanding to know why I never texted him back. Now, he was trying to act angry. He denied over and over again that he ever lied or did anything wrong, ever and was even taking swings at me verbally. I once again, left him on read.
So just recently, he texted me again (LOL). This time, he was acting pitiful. He told me he had been “awful” (still refused to admit he was lying tho) and that he just really “missed me” when I basically asked him what the heck he wanted from me. At this point I’m over it. I don’t trust him. He’s sketchy and I’ve already pinned him as a very manipulative borderline narcissist. I’m really short with him and have been basically been ignoring him. He told me he wanted me to come see him…. this guy has sent me 10 messages IN A ROW begging me to come see him. It’s borderline psychotic. Even after I told him that I couldn’t, and that I didn’t think it was a good idea. He still persisted, completely disrespecting what I wanted. I ignored. I’m still ignoring.
He KEEPS trying in an absurd manner, thinking that it will get a response, because sadly, it’s worked before. He’s calculated. It never ends. I’ve never had to block anybody in my life, but I think I’m about to have to, and for some reason I still feel bad about doing the right thing.
I have definitely learned my lesson here. I guess I’ve never really dealt with a manipulative, passive aggressive, narcissist ever in my entire life until now, and I hope I never do again.
I feel like you explained my experience 100% all the way…
thank u all for sharing::::;
this is what i need to read I been with my boyfriend, for 7 yrs, and found out he was married in Mexico he finally told me . And here I was thinking he was such a wonderfull man
from everything i read. I know now i am headed the right direction. i have caught him with 3 diff women and , two months ago i spied on him through the window and saw he was laying on bed with 2 phones calling me of one of them and texting other women with anothe ph . I said nothing went and knocked on door. It took him a while to answer he had to hide the other ph. So we kissed and planed on eating something , i told him i was craving something sweet . So I sujested 4 him to go get us something sweet
then i looked for the phone . And He had been sending porno stuff over the ph with @ least 4 diff ph no’s that got me pretty upset . But i said nothing till we were done with our dinner I was hungry too. finaly i told him. what i knew and he straight out told me , what are u waiting for? Why dont u leave, Mrs santita . this is the man i have been dealing with for quile long.
token him back. He is now 62 yrs old of course am way jounger than him , He is still pretty active sexually and, now starting to have Difficulty being able to have sex with that being said lets say. its my fault too. He blames me for everything. I was very much in loved him. but no more of this we been no contact for 2 weeks and i feel great. too bad i told him all about me.
However i feel i am done with him Lord willing in the name of Jesus Christ am done.
i have reserved a trip to Europe I Need it. again thank u all for all this u have posted i wish i could of done a better job, explaining to u All . but i know u all got the picture-well keep posting
for those of u that are reading this please post your story thank u for reading………………
I really needed to read this today also. It has been 2 months since I broke up with my ex girlfriend..( I am a female). (I broke up with her on a knee jerk reaction- ignoring me again and doing something to purposely hurt me) of course i told her i didn’t mean it)-so she probably thinks she did the breaking up).
I blocked her from everything after she yelled and belittled me.. I not only lost her, but our friends also. She started to pursue me just after I got out of rehab. She was still with her gf, but she was “crazy” and over emotional, groveling at her feet! (HOW DID I MISS THIS?- well I was newly sober and dealing with much heavier shit, that I chose to replace with HER! … Our friends have been my sober crew for the last year and half. I truly thought they were my friends.
I am left feeling very alone, confused, anxious, fearful, weak…, I am in school full time getting my Masters degree, I work Full-time in an ER, I go to AA meetings everyday, I see a therapist, I have made very good friends with some coworkers, but I don’t like to burden people. They don’t really get how deep this is really hurting me.
I am so overwhelmed, I have tunnel vision when I think of her. I don’t want to believe that she’s a narc., its so hard to accept that someone could do these things to someone on purpose, knowing how vulnerable I was. I never fought back, I was too busy defending the confusing accusations. How can someone say they are in love with you and be flirting on the side, hurting people to make themselves feel better. I feel so used and that there’s something wrong with me. I know I am supposed to separate it, but I just don’t know how to do it. and.. I see HER CAR EVERYWHERE! (everyone has a white car!) drives me crazy.
I am putting one foot in front of the other, everyday…several times a day. I pray, I cry, I try to talk. I am giving up 2 addictions at once, fighting to stay out of a depression…I am so independent but I feel so weak and helpless. I have so many emotions, fears, challenges that I am choosing to learn from., BUT IT IS SO HARD!…..So I appreciate when I am able to resonate with responses. Any suggestions related to my situation would be very welcomed.
The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself.
~The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky
wow I am amazed there are other horrible men out there praying on loving, caring and loyal people like us. My situation has brought me to my knees in heartache. 7 years of mind games, lying, blaming me. Convinced me that I needed mental help and that my walls were up from my childhood. I have never met anyone that can hurt me this bad. I had no idea how manipulative he was being. We have broken up at least 50 times and I always caved in. He never calls me when we break up…. I am the one that goes back for more until I just couldn’t do it anymore. I am on day 8 of no contact. I picked this time (due to the coronavirus) knowing he would be going crazy with nothing to do. All he does is take trips all over at least 2 times a month without me and only hearing how much fun he had, When I ask why he dosent invite me he says I am too busy. Blaming me for having responsibilities as a single mom. The last thing he did before I finaly had enough was this: Out of the clear blue sky he proposed to me with a 2k ring on a flight to see his parents for xmas (i was shocked he invited me to begin with) It was a huge proposal he had the flight attendant video the whole thing (wish I could share it with you to see what a sicko he is) he moved to my house with my 11 year old son and within 6 weeks of being engaged he accused me of cheating call me a wh_re for coming home late from work. I was scared to death of his yelling and told him to get out of my house if he was going to talk to me that way. The next day I went to work and came home to a note and empty house saying he moved 500 miles away with his parents claiming his reason was I treated him like shit and didnt pay enough attention to him.he said I didnt pay enough attention to him and he was hurt. I took him back and spent a year flying to see him. Out of nowhere again he asked if he could move back in and stupid me said yes. This time it lasted 4 months. Until the day I set up a hidden voice activated audio recorder and heard him (in my house while I was gone) talking to girls, and telling his daughter that I am a “stupid c_nt” and that he was moving out again when I am least expecting it. He had this grand plan to screw me over once again for the same reason (I wasn’t paying enough attention to him) The recordings were so devastating to listen to. Hours of jokes about me and how crazy I was. Putting down my special needs son cracking up for hours on the phone and texts. His mom even called me a “stuipd c_nt”. He has since moved out this time 11 miles away. For the last 6 months I have been getting mental health treatment and counseling to help me get strong enough to tell him to “f_ck off” Well I did and its been 8 days no contact. He is 55 and I am 49. Thats my story and many more just like that. Pray for me. Iv got to walk away for good this time. I owe to myself and my son.
That was a great read. I so needed to see that today. I’ve gone no contact for 3 months and the voicemails are still filling up, I hope he soon gets it but the harassment seems never ending.
I am 2 months in to no contact. Because of the way my phone is designed, texts from blocked contacts still hit my phone. Just goes into a different folder. So I see them though I am trying to discipline myself to stop looking!
He is sending pictures that he knows I would enjoy. I am not responding and every time I feel like I want to I have to read things like this to remember what this really is. It’s not anything other than him trying to win.
It is hard. I wish all you ladies and men who are suffering with this the best. Thank heavens for this site. I feel like I must be going crazy but then I read and so many people are describing what I am dealing with and feeling to a tee. Thank you for the support.
Trying to stay strong…..
I was in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship with a narc, for much too long. We started off as highschool sweeties, and things were good for maybe three years out of highschool, but then he began to change. He started to drink, do drugs, and act paranoid and controlling, and critical of every little thing I did. Being naive, and so in love, I tried to be everything and do everything he wanted, but not a day could go by without him accusing me of horrendous things and criticizing me for hours. I felt pressured into doing lots of things I wouldn’t ordinarily do, to save the relationship, I erased my whole person to make him happy, but I was always too me. Near the end I had forgotten all of my dreams for my future, and I had been isolated from friends and family for years, I felt like a ghost. I ended up taking a job a few hours away and would drive home on weekends to see him, and he would say I must be cheating on him and that I didn’t love him, and one weekend I couldn’t see him because my pet was dying, and he made it all about him. That was one of the last straws, and I continued to be withdrawn. He decided to “break up” with me. I think he thought if he broke up with me I would come back begging him to stay and he could reinforce control over me because I would be desperate to keep him. Instead, I said, “ok”. That was nine months ago, and since then I’ve blocked him on all platforms. He won’t stop emailing me though (it’s sent to spam, but I check them to make sure he’s not going to come after me in person.) All of his emails are horrible and accusational. apparently I was the abusive one towards him? The amount of crazy is unreal. I wish he would leave me alone. I don’t respond to the emails, I suppose eventually he’ll get tired of it and vanish? At least that’s what I hope. It’s hard to reconcile the teenager I fell in love with who was sweet and funny,with the version of him who had some sort of mental breakdown, and the version of him who was pure evil. I stuck it out for years, hoping that sweet funny guy was still in there somewhere, but that part of him must have died a long time ago. Now I’m depressed and anxiety ridden, but I’m trying to build myself into a person. It was such a long relationship that transpired over my formative years, and he erased who I was, and made it so that I was never becoming anything, that now I’m not sure I know how to be a person. I’ve reconnected with family, I’ll start a full time job in my dream field in a month, and I’ll be moving to a new town, I have a new pet and I’ve done some travelling, and I’ve been joining fitness clubs. I still don’t have any friends, and I’m currently out of work, but I’m hoping things will start turning around in my favor soon. I don’t think I want to have a romantic relationship again.
There i feel really bad for your situation and I hope you are getting through it. Im tryin myself to understand how narcissists work as iv just been through a similar ordeal.
Im sure the right person will come along and be all you deserve to be
I am going through the same, I hope things work out for you. 🙂
I was no contact for over 9 months, he tried and he tried and I never responded. I didn’t post on FB about him, I didn’t do anything encourage him. But he continued … I do honestly believe if I didn’t break no contact (which I am back doing again because you are right on the they don’t change aspect) he would have never stopped. He is just that type of personality because, I am something he wants, even temporarily and I don’t think no contact would ever stop him. The police and RCMP have both told him to leave me alone, the courts have told him to leave me alone, but he still tries. Everyone says to change my number, but he would show up at my home, or my work … and I have had my cell number for over 20 years, has this man not taken enough from me? So, I have to change my whole life around to avoid him? No, I am feeling very confident this time around and I believe the no contact will stick, no matter how many times he tries.
I just wanted to say … there are some out there that no contact will never be enough to stop them from trying, because now it’s a challenge, now it’s a game … he’s has to win me back so he can be the man!
Thank you, Savannah, this is exactly the blunt, clear, open information that I needed to read today. I was so close in breaking the No Contact and reading this has been the slap on the forehead that has prevented me from falling for it . . . again!!
I broke up with my Narc ex 6 months ago. I have honored my own no contact rule. He has not. He has dropped off my belongings to a family member’s home (only to complete junk – he has the quality items still) He’s text me a few times, with the last text being a farewell text. I dumped all the Fly Monkeys (those who’ve bought his lies) within the past 1 + month. I was told by a family member today, (he doesn’t know her), that he texted her Happy Thanksgiving. This is probably his last ditch effort to contact me, or try to control me. The question is: Will he leave me alone, OR Will he now try to become forceful by actually seeing me in person.
I went no contact about ten months ago. After destroying our family unit, he has been ghosting ever since. My doctor knows enough & it was said, “Well, at least, you are a live.” I have restless legs movement & a tough time getting my blood pressure down. I just don’t give a darn about life any longer. Abuse on top of abuse & not just one person, quite a few. Can’t take it anymore.
Oh man; the conversations are very much like this. I’ve implemented no contact and she does all this crap and somehow we wind up back together only for her to start treating me like crap again when she thinks she’s “got me”. When the abuse starts again it’s a living hell every time and it goes on for months or until I get to a place where I’m forced to be fed up again. This keeps happening over and over. Now I’ve told her I need closure so I can forgive her and move on with my life and have peace. Guess what? Yeah, she suddenly started taking anti depressants and going to a psychiatrist which diagnosed her with malignant sociopathic narcissism that falls on the very far extreme end of the spectrum. She asked me to go to the psychiatrist with her and I did. The psychiatrist asked her to leave the room for a minute, that’s when the Doctor warned me about her and told me I needed to get out any way possible that my life is danger.
Well, I have been begging for closure and she’s told me no, I’m not giving you closure when I want to be with you forever, your stuck with me and your going to have to just deal with the fact that I’m never giving up on us. The gall of this person after all the torture and abuse that they have put me through for twelve years and now refusing to at least give closure. In not asking for much. I have given her closure every day for over a month in hopes she will reciprocate so we can move on and both have peace. She’s hellbent on not giving closure to me like some evil grimlin. Yeah she’s saying all the things I want to hear now and she sounds sincere but I know that it’s all an act and if I get sucked in the abuse will eventually start up again. In fact, her refusing closure to me is abuse because I’ve been crying and begging and this hurts worse than any of the other abusive things she’s ever done to me. It won’t stop! I feel like this endless cycle of torture will never stop. Then her ever prevailing to use whatever she can every time I talk to her to rope me back in and I’m having to be more diligent in spotting this crap than a drill instructor spotting a recruit out of line. It’s almost like she is abusing and hurting me and keeping me in this hell by refusing closure.
I’m almost sick to death of all this crap. I’m having heart problems from it all and I’m in my thirties and stay in good shape. I’m literally about to just block her from everything without a single warning and do it real fast. Then if she shows up at my house just call the police to tell her to leave. I’m being pushed to be real nasty and mean about it but I’m doing everything I can to have it end peacefully as possible. I’ve never in my life had to beg for closure and being in and out of a relationship for over a year. When will the madness end! Do I have to go about the mean way by just quickly and without warning block her from everything and treat her like an enemy? Is that the only way? Please somebody help. I don’t know how to end this peacefully and I’m tired of being hurt and I don’t want to be mean.
If you haven’t yet, stop ALL contact, Ben! Block her from everything. Change your number, your email, all social media accounts. Move, if she won’t stay away. You don’t need to be “mean.” Be clear. “Being in contact with you is not healthy for me. I will not be contacting you and you are not welcome to contact in any way. Not through text, calls, email, social media, other people or in person. If you do, I will have to file a restraining order.” She will not change. You can’t help her. All that will happen is more abuse and you getting dragged down. Believe the psychiatrist who warned you that she is dangerous. It’s true.
OMG …the “conversation” in the article is exactly the one me and my ex-narc had . No contact 3 weeks… and feels great already! They are energy vampires.
I am starting no contact as of today with my N. She has me blocked but yet calls me all the time. I always answer because a part of me still loves her. She never put in effort into our relationship. I did trust her but everything that she would do or say made me think or feel otherwise. So I would confront her all the time and she would always say ” I’m insecure ” she made me believe I was insecure. Time and time again she would follow her ex on Instagram. I would obviously confront her and she would say that ” she would do it to spite me and to see if I can trust her “. How the heck am I supposed to trust her when she would do this on purpose to get a reaction out of me every time. She did this multiple of times. She also would get upset with me and just act like she didn’t care and would tell me she was going to go out. I caught her in so many lies. One time I found a plenty of fish profile of her. I addressed it to her and she decided to blame me for making this profile of her. She then continued to say “it’s not mine, my friend made this profile of me. It’s not mine”. I then believed her, but I still kept it in the back of my mind. I should have walked away when I saw this. She withdrew all type of affection from me because she wanted me to trust her. All of this all happened throughout our relationship. Finally she decided to break up with me 6 months ago. I have been trying to work things out but between this 6 months she’s told me she met someone and kissed this person. And a couple months after that she said she had started to talking to this other guy that she’s interested in. She told me she wanted to have sex with him. I then told her to leave me alone. The next day she said if she wanted to work things out and that she would drop this guy. I stupidly agreed. I just don’t know what to do at this point. She then decided she doesn’t want me in her life and told me she’s not into me and hasn’t been into me for a long time. But even after that she’s come back and try to get reactions out of me. Asking if I want to have sex with her but then taking it back because she “no longer feels attracted to me” according to her. I’m honestly really done with her behavior, if she has decided she doesn’t want me in her life anymore then why contact me? She has me blocked and still contacts me. I’m finally realizing that I have to stay away and go No contact with her. I’m just still so hurt. I want her back but I think I deserve better.
I was with him 13 years. He discarded me for a girl much younger than him. There has been no contact for 6 months. I saw him from a distance once last week. He saw me and stared. Then, I came face to face with the two of them in a store on Friday. I ignored them and Friday night he showed up at my door. I opened it. It feels like I am starting all over again. As much as I know the truth of who he is, I saw him and felt all the love. Of course, he admitted everything he has done has been a mistake. I’m sure I won’t hear from him again for quite some time, but I’m afraid I will never be strong enough to not open my door. I’m afraid I will keep returning to this point despair.
T always remember the law of addiction. Search it up top on my site. I’ve written a few blogs on it.
I feel for you as I was in this type of relationship. I was married to a Narc. for 30+ yrs. I would suggest you find a counselor and support group who are experts in this area and have lots of experience in dealing with Narcissism. I would also suggest for you to try for a moment to detach yourself from your personal circumstances and read the post you posted here as if it were a family member or close friend writing you for advice. What would you say to them? When I did this as an exercise during counseling I was able to stand on the other side of the fence if you will, and look at the situation with new eyes. It is not easy to turn away from behaviors we are used to displaying or accepting. I found that when I was able to step back for a moment and see the whole picture the destructive areas became clearly visible across the horizon of my life. You don’t have to wait for the next shoe to drop and then try and untangle and explain the 20 balls of tangled yarn the Narc. throws at you. You can learn to turn away from these attacks and move on using your energy for things that fulfill your live in a positive way. I wish you all the best.
Wow! Just wow! This was spot on! Did you steal my phone! It’s been 4 weeks of dreaded silent treatment. But I know as soon as I’ve gaimed some semblance of clarity he’ll return!
Once i woke up and saw that all the pushing buttons the crap was all done on purpose my getting over it was rapid it meant that it had nothing to do with me and by the way we could be anyone we are not special mine well not mine but this one was jealous of me and i didnt know until tbe end his self hatred and self loathing was so deep . Again nothing to do with me . Their energy is stagnant and if you need another wake up call lets just say you cant trust them around your dog let alone little kids ok!!?
Dont waste another 1 sec giving headspace to trash .
Then when you come across someone else who believed all this nonesense and are strugglng your insight and what you can say to them not rehashing own stuff lets say you will be a light bringer
This trick that something could be taken from us is laughable
Misery loves company
Ego and ego is just made up so funny enough their fear of not existing is spot on .
A lot of the time just being in their company i found to be cringe worthy
Depends if you like being a scapegoat too
So what if they show the hurting child underneath what they have shown is playing the victim thats all
They will NEVER give you closure…and if the doc said she is dangerous, you need to make your social media private, change your number, not let her know where you live at, don’t look at her social media or answer to her black balling your reputation. NO CONTACT, concentrate on healing. It’s incredibly hard, but in the end you will find yourself again . It’s been 2 yrs since my ex fiance broke 4 of my ribs and still did the same yours did. I still don’t have closure, my closure is reading these experiences people have had with ND
Ben, its been a while since you posted this but I wanted to share with you that my Phyciatrist told me that Narcs will never give closure and to do myself a favor and never expect it. You hopefully have moved on. I am alot like you spending 7 years with repeated mental abuse until I ended up at the mental health clinic. I am slowly getting back on my feet but its only been 8 days that I went no contact. Good luck to you and thank god for this website!
My narc gave me the silent treatment over the weekend – which made me think he was with someone else. When he finally reached out I didn’t respond. I didn’t respond the next day either. I keep taking him on/off block and saw he texted again tonight. After 13 years of this I finally realized he was a narcissist and none of the past was ever my fault when he would leave. Unfortunately, because I love him it isn’t as easy to not want to hear from him. Would you keep no contact and have him wonder why you went dark, when I never did before? Or would you send a message that indicates that this is over and then block him. My mind keeps playing the game of wanting to know if he reached out vs knowing that it will pull me back. Any advice is greatly appreciated, because I am at a loss for what to do.
I am on the same boat as you. I went no contact with my narcissist boyfriend three days ago. He disappeared on me in December and then reappeared in July saying all the right things. Then it started where we went on a few dates, they were great. Then he started to ignore me like he did before. He didn’t contact me for over a week, claiming he was busy. He also wasn’t sure when he could see me. I was debating whether or not to tell him that I was blocking him because I’ve had enough of this. But I decided to just block him because when he would go silent he wouldn’t tell me. I’m blocking him bc I choose myself and I need someone in my life that’s not going to manipulate me. I read a book by H.G. Tudor about going no contact on a narcissist. It helped me a lot these three days. If you tell him you’re blocking him, you are initiating contact with him. He will only worm his way back in with probably a bogus reason. It’s hard to go no contact, I unblocked him a couple of times too. But we have to be strong and not be abused anymore. We deserve men that are committed and not into playing mind games. You have to ask yourself why you are doing no contact. Is it to get him back or is to heal yourself and move on. If it’s to get him back, then you will and things will always be the same. If it’s to move on then you can heal and have a better chance of finding happiness with someone else who doesn’t manipulate or play mind games. You really need to think that through and only you can give yourself the answer. Hope this helps.
I read your painf-filled message today. 13 years is a very long time and you obviously have been conditioned. Have you read up on trauma bonding? He is the only person you had to focus on for so long. He made it virtually impossible to focus on anything else. If, like me, you had to contend with so much drama, loneliness, lies and suspicion, it’s near impossible for you to have a life other than your Narc. He IS not letting up and he seems genuinely hurt, even uses God’s name to try and reach you. I’m scarred yes, and can’t control myself (yet) to not read his emails (spam). However, it lends itself to information I use to research his modus operandi. My house telephone rings and no one answers as I know who it is. It’s been 4 weeks, he came to my house and I refused to open the door. It’s a tough road. But walk it. Walk it with all the resolution you can muster. I’ve reconnected with many of my friends he bad-mouthed in the past (and I stayed under the radar with them as I just couldn’t handle the drama). I have a lot more social engagements now than ever before. And while I enjoy it, I still have that nagging longing inside of me. And it’s ok too. The more you deny yourself what you feel, the more you feel it. I started watching a series with Naomi Watts, and wow it’s brilliant. Although one of the characters is never DESCRIBED as a Narcissist, the behavior patterns scream Narc. It’s kind of like a Catharsis for me to watch it and identifying the personality traits. The time I’m spending alone in introspection, is so very valuable. When I read the SPAM and I identify how it makes me feel, I go onto the internet and key in pertinent words to describe what I feel. And it is SUCH a relief to actually clinically inderstand what he is trying to achieve. So in a sense, it actually helps my recovery. Oh, I’m a very long way away from being “on top of things”, but I am glad that I find ways to help me out of that nasty gutter. I will NEVER go back, because I keep on remembering the UNTRUE BEING
DO. NOT answer! It’s been 4 weeks for me and I’ve done the back and forth for 8 years! It’s damn hard, but my sanity and happiness comes first.
I wanted to know the same thing about whether or not if he texted or called, do I would unblock him. But I realized if I see messages from him, I’ll go back to this. I truly need to distance myself and not hear from him at all. I think you should do the same too,
You really should just stay no contact. Telling him you’re ending things is your minds way of tricking you to contact him to help ease the anxiety you are feeling. It’s the body’s/mind’s natural response to want to heal itself. The problem is that if you contact him and get your relief, the urges will just get stronger and stringer. He’ll keep feeding your need for him because of his need to have your admiration. It really is an addiction to him. I have been no contact from my narcissist since Aug. 19, before that I broke no contact after 15 days. I am stronger now because the longer I go without contacting him, the less urges I have to contact him. I also found a great therapist to help me remember to question my feelings and motives behind any thoughts I have of missing him or contacting him. And true to form he has tried to pull out the stops. Since I’ve blocked him on every form of media possible and he can’t contact my friends and family, he called my place of employment. I informed my co-workers that I am not available to see him or take his calls. He left a pretty pathetic voicemail yelling about how me and the girl he was cheating on me with (one of several) was doing him wrong because we were talking about him and his issues and we shouldn’t do that to him. How “things” went down was messed up (No he never took accountability for cheating or hurting me) but we were the ones in the wrong. He sounded like a five year old upset that the other kids were making fun of him. But that message just confirmed and validated that no contact is the best way to move on and get my life back. I’m sure he’s going to give it a few more tries, maybe even show back up at my house. But I have plans in place and a good support network of family and friends. My life is better than it was a few months ago and I am determined to get this nightmare behind me once and for all. MAINTAIN NO CONTACT IF you ever want your life back. Also find a good therapist who is knowledgeable about narcissistic abuse.
I have been married to. Narcissist for 11 years. A month ago he blocked me in my home when I was trying to leave and tried to tear the mirrors off my car and punched my windows and stood in front of my car so I couldn’t leave(I got away).
I took a restraining order out on him(11 ROover 11 years). Then he transferred all the savings into his private account and spent $ 13,000. on strippers, expensive hotels, alcohol and expensive dinners. I am flabbergasted!
He then took a bogus restraining order out on me making me feel victimized again. I saw him at court two days ago and he looked like he was on something.
This is it, final straw. I’m seeing him for what he is: a low life dirty dog that had manipulated me for years. He is in the public eye and has a survival story out there. He pretends to be a Christian and the day the movie was released he did the abuse on me. My friend’s husband says he uses scripture on me like Satan uses on people.
I got an AIDS test done and I’m negative, PRAISE the Lord!!!! I thought as long as I’m HIV negative I got my life back as I know he’s been cheating on me.
The day after the abuse incident he texted me and said”I’ve done awful things, I’m going straight to hell!”
I know now that’s true.
Wow one of the best Narc articles and threads I’ve ever read. I’ve been dealing with my ex narc for almost 3 years. There were red flags from day one but I kept ignoring them. We did the break up make up game more times than I can count. He’s cheate on me more times than I can count. Only recently did I realize what real NP really was and that he had it. He doesn’t have too many real, close relationships in his life. He has lots of acquaintances because once people really get to know him they see how crazy and fake he is. But to the everyday passerby he is very friendly and charming and people like him but he has everyone fooled. He is a very evil person. The longest No Contact I’ve had with him was 5 months. I was so proud of that and doing pretty well and finally starting to be happy again. But then he contacted me and I have in. I eventually had dinner with him and it was like we had never stopped talking. He even took me and my son on vacation and once we were there he treated us both like crap and we even got kicked out of a bar because the bartender saw him snack me across the face. Of course he blames me for everything. My son now hates him. Even after that I stayed with him. I finally ended it after I found out he was cheating and then he admitted to cheating with another woman I didn’t even know about. My mind was blown. It’s now been a month and a half. I was so strong with the no contact for the first month then I gave in one night but I wasn’t nice at all. I’m sure he was satisfied because he just wanted a response and to see if I was still available. I will not give in again. He literally was ruining my life. Our relationship was so sickening. The highs were really high, like nothing I ever experienced but the lows were extremely low and not worth it. There was nothing in between and no consistency. That is not normal or healthy! I’m just another girl on the list of failed relationships he will have throughout his life. narcissists will NEVER have normal healthy relationships. Don’t think that your different, your not! They prey on the weak and they will destroy you if you let them. Get out while you can. It won’t be easy but it will be worth in in the long run. I’m currently taking it one day at a time. This healing is sort of like rehab, you get addicted to the highs and you just want to feel it one more time but I’m telling you the low will always be following and that’s no way to live. So get yourself in relationship rehab! Your not alone! I hope this is the last breakup I ever go through with him. I have definitely learned so much and am so much stronger now than ever! Reading everyone’s posts has also been very helpful. Thank you!
I’ll only correct you on one thing…
They do not prey on the weak.
They prey on the strong. Those full of compassion and empathy and forgiveness and love.
They prey on the strong.
Just remember that.
Joshua, you are spot on my friend!
Yes, this. Thank you.
Absolutely. I am a very strong woman and my ex husband (narc) of almost 14 years made up all kinds of lies about me – he tried for 9 months even after our divorce, and still tries, to make me believe that he is telling the truth and that I am lying or don’t remember that I did all these horrible things he accuses me of. I am NOT crazy and know full well that 99% of what he says never even occurred, the other 1% he has twisted an innocent event into something disgusting. He tries still to alter my perception of reality, to make me believe I am this horrible person who destroyed his heart and his life, and that he is just this great guy who’s been screwed over all of his life by everyone he’s ever known (always the victim, not responsible for anything ever). I love him so very much though and he does the same things, pushes me away with silent treatment for however long he wants, then contacts me and pulls me back in. Always so nice and sweet and kind for the first week or so, inviting me over, cooking dinner for me — then goes back to the same old crap, accusing me of horrible disgusting behavior with every man I’ve ever known. I keep praying for him to change, God can change him, I am fully confident of that but he is so deceived by the devil, he believes his own lies and considers himself to be morally superior to the whole rest of the world, tells me I was a prostitute and all kinds of other crazy things, tells me I had a hysterectomy, tells me I have been places out of the country with other men. Never have even owned a passport, did not cheat on him the entire 14 years and a couple of years before that when we were engaged. It absolutely breaks my heart that this man that I love so much thinks such disgusting things about me, has no respect for me, has beat on my, threatened to kill me if I didn’t “confess my sins” to him. Its crazy to be in love with someone who treats you that way, but don’t know how not to be. I want him to change and be the person I first fell in love with. I am strong, I don’t hold grudges, I forgive easily, I feel for him because I know he is mentally ill, I am very compassionate and kind to him, even though he treats me like dirt. That is why he still pushes and pulls. He pushes so that he maintains control of me, and pulls me back in when he needs ego supply and love.
Thank you for those beautiful words Joshua! Just coming off a 3 year relationship with a narc. Had been recently widowed when I met him! He took me for a half million dollars, moved me out to the country, isolating me from my friends & family, mistreated my adult children & now slips in & out of my life as he sees fit. Generally, if I dare say anything to him with a tinge of criticism, he bolts & goes back to his home he maintains 2 hours away. I’m sure there are other women, as he has a long string of exes. I am in NO CONTACT right now. Did not mean to ramble, but I liked the word “strong” in your quote. I was strong when he met me & have come to realize that my only weakness in life was falling for such a monster. Thanks for making my day
This comment may have been over 2 years ago, but you have NO idea how much I needed to see it. Thank you!
Been with a narc for almost 6 years, and i’m on my 5th month of NC.
Now she’s visiting my parent’s which she never did to get her fix, or something on
me, …and playing the blame game. That i’m the one who mistreated her.
How sick are these people. I only started reading about narc after i decided NC.
Also left her a few times and went back, only to get back into hell, every time
it became more worst than before. Everything above is 100% correct.
Please read these comments and equip yourself, ..for if the time comes to never ever
fall for a narc again.
Thank you so much for every ones comment, and tragedies. We all went threw
hell with these types of people, and we love them dearly, but not the same can be said
on their side.
Hope all have a positive outcome at the end of the day, and if it doesn’t happen, never give up.
There is always a way out, even if you don’t like it…GET OUT!!!
I wish I had knowledge about narcisism many years ago.I’m from Catholic family and have been abused by my mother and sisters.My sister flying monkey was locking me in the cellar for hours. Despise I was best at school my mother only look after my two sisters.In the end even my father said please leave because she will finish you off.I run away from my country and came to Australia.and of course married and divorced narcisist.My narcisistic sister both rich my parents provided for them a lot has been nice only when I was giving.After my father died took me for my inheritance and all my stuff.I finally see what happened in my life.It was like a fog with nothing just pain.So sad.I’m on NC.and don’t want to see them .Family house which was fathers wish I will have its slowly rotting away.But I want give them power of attorney any more. Not any more I don’t want those catolic criminals as my family.
Its been almost 2 years since our breakup and with the help of my counselor who diagnosed my ex gf as a narcissist, I had finally became much stronger after finding that she meets every criteria or trait of a narcissist. Reading that over and over helped me realize that she is nothing, but one evil and pathological liar and lying slut! Also I read that one should NOT read or listen to what any narcissist says, but watch what he/she does and THAT HELPS cuz that brings out more truth about her more than I could ever realize or imagine. Like for one example after seeing her bf at her place, I told her that if she is seeing or dating someone else, then Im happy for her and we can stay as friends(my mistake) , she responded by saying that she is not dating anyone yet which ofc is a lie and I ve finally realized that I had seen way so much more than enough after her constant lying that I came to a point in my life that enough is enough. Didnt wish her happy birthday for the first time like I always did nor congratulate her on her graduation from college. Just completely ignored her as long as she has her supply in her bf. She even cheated on me and contacted him during our whole 2 yr relationship and that showed how much she doesnt care about me or even him, but just herself. If she ever wishes to return to me, I ll tell her right up that I dont want her back together ever again cuz no one, I mean NO ONE can have a normal relationship w/ a narc cuz of one important fact- You dont lie to someone you love or you lie to someone you dont love. She had lied to him and me, so again Im so done w/ her and moved on and feel alot better. Again, Im telling you that its not worth your time if you still wish to go back w/ a narc- nope. Just stay away as much and long as you can and dont return their calls if ever any narc calls you cuz it ll make you go all the way back to the same old shit all over again! Of course, it s sad, but you ll feel better down the road if you continue to stay strong and better for yourself. Hope this helps!
Keep strong every one.. don’t lose sight of hope.
I’ve been trying to be no contact with ex narc on and off for 2 years. Going back more than once, then being discarded again. I’ve recently been in a living situation with some serious bullies too who after going into my room and trashing it
(Cutting up my pictures. Breaking my stuff) I moved out and went no contact with all of them immediately.
It just feels like such a large group to go no contact with though I have been successful for nearly a year with only one slip up.
It is possible to go no contact if you’re in a toxic situation, and it does feel better with time.. at least it has for me.
I am struggling with being no contact with EX as I’m just so used to the pattern of behaviours. He’s currently in the discard phase again so it won’t be hard for me to slip away at the moment. Which I have done.
Just how long it’ll last is the only thing..
I have moved and have gone no contact for 2 months. I left a thriving business and loving community that took me ten years to build. I am still legally married to my narc. It has been long strides of feeling happy again met by clouds of static and confusion – he tried to take a loan out in my name so I felt I needed to break contact. I was in horrific pain for 48 hours but I have not given in and don’t plan to. Thank you for this blog – super helpful – especially when I can’t find a friend to help me
Stay strong, sister! You deserve the best anyone has to offer.
Today marks 1 year exactly of having no contact with my 6 year relationship he comes to me like a knight in shining armour but I was introduced to much drama over the years we just battled through his problems one by one his excuses one by one I thought that’s what couples do but when it comes to my needs and wants he always had an excuse. You do so much for them for them to find excuses why they can’t get a job and pay their bills,holidays, place of our own etc you know pleasures of being an item but they accept late night calls from women and it’s not their fault they just helping a “friend” out who’s ill down and out so you keep quiet eventhough they know you ain’t happy and say just cos I’m not responding how you want me too you make a fuss so I leave and every time he would plead to take me back they love hearing you cry it’s like they wanna keep you on repeat like a record. I only ever saw a life with him my first love one day you realise your efforts are never appreciated but they appreciate lil efforts from everyone else and why can’t you be like this person or that anything but you but when you be loving them and they don’t reciporate it back who’s really loving you?? I didn’t want to go no contact but it’s the only way to get the spew of evil entangled free nothing else worked even we decided to go seperate ways he always had a way to drop in convo this would never happen if you never..(fill in gaps I’m sure you been there too). When you try be understanding they see you as gulliable helping out they see you as someone to be used it’s always on their own terms you eventually forget who you are and when they lie cheat in your face and leave you you feel such a heavy load you been carrying and it was never for you to carry.Live your life for you.Its hard but think of things you love doing more than memories of your ex remember they aren’t the person you fell in love with they long gone and so should you..Travel ,meet family and friends , go shopping..remember how it is to be free and not on egg shells . With N there will always feel like something missing like loyalty respect trust teamwork solid foundation etc Rather than trying to find “him” again find “you”.Its only when you breathe fresh air you realise how toxic some people can be.I love my ex still but I love him at a distance lol we had our chance after chance.God needs to make a man out of him before I could make a potential husband.The shortcoming is theirs not yours love you some more and the right guy will walk into your life just live in here and now like me you just “haven’t met yet”..!!!We know the red flags to look for and know to not ignore them as they serve to protect us before we just in and swim test how deep it is and if they on the same waves or is he or she is a sinking ship.relationships either build or destroy…we know now to choose wisely..Good Luck God bless Ty x
16 years marriage with a narc and still trapped. Fear plays a big role in that. am afraid of the unknown. He has control over me to the point where I think my life without him is impossible not out of love but out of despair. techniques that I learned on how to deal with him is useless because :
1) the real narc will find the counter technique very quick and will take u to another level of abuse.
2) at the same ur using this techniques ur doing a lot of harm to self coz ur thinking acting feeling out of ur self . Feels like gaslithing ur self forcing her to some inhuman reality.
I am desperate to leave but afraid to do it .
You have to dig and find your strength. Do you want to look back in despair in your final days that you spent your entire life being unhappy and controlled by another human being? It will hurt like hell initially… but I PROMISE, when you are finally able to breathe again, you will not be able to believe you waited so long to take your life back.
Savannah you are a godsend thank you for taking the time to write these articles. They help so much to understand my situation! I too have suffered from codependency and a narcissist partner. I am just gaining the courage to walk away from my N after 3 years of settling for crumbs but being too emotionally invested to see it for what it was. I kept thinking i wasnt good enough, my self esteem has taken a nosedive and the worst part is, no one to relate to because i dont have a strong support system of girl friends. Years of codependency made me focus all my energies into my partners and pushing way friendships. I feel terrible but i dont feel so alone seeing all you brave ladies (and guys) on here with similar stories. Good luck to all, lets stay strong!
Ladies if you are in London beware. i won’t say his name but he’s 6’5″ and will tell you he is studying for a PhD. And XXXXXX. I’m trying NC. 6 months on/off. Never experienced anything so exciting and mind-fucking in my life. Get in touch if you know him and I’ll tell you about the sleep disturbances that continue after weeks, the violent abuse, the money spent and the life as a male escort. While trying repeatedly to live off me. Thank God I found out before too late. Thank you for the article.
Hello ladies you can do this we dont need people like that .. i went nc about 20 minutes ago after a few years of total abuse n rows n verbal insults ..and i can already feel the junk feelings washing off me.i plan to shower and visualise all the crap just running away down the drain.. there is an app on play store by john smith called extreme call blocker man it works … i have it set to hang up if doolally del rings and sms are erased soon as they hit my phone.. im in the uk if any body wants to chat ??? Maybe be a support buddy if you interested.good luck marmite xx
Hi I too am in UK. I cannot get over the narcissist. I have gone NC any number of times but he turns on that you know I love you Crap and it is so convincing. This is my last time though going to see therapist next week who deals exclusively with Personality Disordered people. Hoe she can help me because I am at my wits end. Mel x
I know how u r feeling and I can relate cos I am in a situation like urs , but after sometime of ur ex trying to Hoover u , u will know well that it is just a way to discard u even faster
May be if u know there is no hope for them to change and to know that they r not genuine in what they say , this will make u feel better and stronger
I feel longing and I even wished to be hoovered but when it happened this night I knew I am right and he is a narc and I felt like someone I really love got bitten by a vampire and he became a vampire too and my only way is to close and Neil the doors , I left some doors that r not well locked hoping for that Hoover as I mentioned but when I am now 100 percent sure of what he is I ran and closed neiled them as hard as I can cos there is no way making him to love u , they just want u miserable and this is how they feel good about themselves
Don’t look back and take ur time and u will gradually forget and live life again , I hope me too
It is hard to let go of him or her cos our hearts don’t want to believe he is a vampire now and nothing will bring the innocent false persona back , that persona we fell in love with that first time
All best wishes for u all
I love your reply. Vampire . I’m happily married with two children but my narcissist keeps popping up. I do not believe a word he says but I find him entertaining. He has no chance in hell with me and he knows it. He tries to play the friends card, but it’s total bs. He’s the one who actually cuts contact with me but he keeps coming back. I keep talking to him because I don’t want to be rude. What should I do? I just find him kinda fascinating. Like a case study.
What should you do? BE RUDE! He has no right to any of your attention or emotions? Ask yourself this: Would I want either of my children to ever deal with anything like this? And if your answer is, “No,” well…there’s your answer to your question.
I’m finding it really hard..the fog finally lifted and I saw my boyfriend for the monster he really is..after going through the cycle of honeymoon period to silent treatment to him leaving them reeling me back in..this man controlled everything in my life..I now have no friends or family to turn to and I’m now financially ruined….but I’m looking forward to a future free from abuse..
I am going through this with my sister right now. She has controlled me (or attempted) most of my life, and now that our mom passed away, I have finally had enough and put my foot down and told her clearly and with no emotion that our relationship died with Mom. She has gone haywire. She is gas lighting, trying to involve fiends and family (part of which have believed her lies about me and turned on me) and still I refuse to feed this narcissistic game any longer. Her latest attempts have been to text my husband while he’s at work, long drawn-out begging for me to get help from a Christian counselor and quoting Bible verses, saying I need help for my bitterness, etc. I’m not bitter, I’m not angry, I’m just COMPLETELY DONE and she won’t accept it. She’s doing all she can to get a response. Well, no more. NO MORE!!!
I’m currently in my 4 year relationship with him and its gotten worse. I’ve lost my job amd had to move back home last year when he digarded me like a piece of crap. The insults are the worst, he was cooking today and said he wanted to pore hot oil on my body to get some sense into me. It also got physical as i found out he had the girls phone number he cheated on me with 2 years ago in his contacts as mum2″. He of course deflected the whole thing onto me and said i was of course jealous and possesive (crazy) and if he see’s this girl in the street when he’s out with me he wants to be civil and say hi because she never did anyrhing wrong. Ah the list goes on yet i am still with him, its like he pulls me in and makes me feel so secure only to knock me down, breakup with me for no reason and give me silent treatment which is where i am at now…..ignored. I always long for him to realuse what hes doing but he blames me on everything. Why am i so desperate for him to want me and love me. It really is torture. I oretty much have no friends left which to him is my fault. He is my first love and he has broken yp with me frequently. Are Narc aware that they are narc?
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 5 years. Just like the comments, he was very charming, sweet and thoughtful. He knew exactly what to say and he very quickly got me to open up about my childhood experiences and family history. I thought I had finally found my prince charming and told him all my insecurities and fears… little did I know that he was only asking to learn my week spots. Fast forward a year into a half the relationship, I had been isolated from all my friends because he hated them all. I saw rage that was terrifying – it was like a devil had taken over. He said he was going to set me on fire and harm my family (who says that???) within 10 minutes the rage was over and he acted like nothing had happened. His apology was insincere. Today 6 years later, as I went 4 months NC with him, he shows up to my house with his family – asking my parents for my hand in marriage. I got pressured and seeing him I gave in. The last two weeks have been hell as I know exactly what my life will be like. I finally developed the courage to tell my mom how he really treated me and shes called the wedding off… however now his family trying to tarnish my reputation in the community! MY advice for anyone reading this is GET OUT… these people aren’t capable of feeling emotions like us. They are compulsive liars and live secret lives. It is never too late to escape – keep reading blogs/books and equip yourself with all the knowledge you can
After 1.5 yrs in the most draining “relationship” of my life I have been NC with the narc for over two months. Despite working for the same company. This experience brought me to my knees in so many occasions and I found myself crawling towards him for the smallest of affection and the despair of not feeling worthy of being alive anymore. In the past I had never been able to go NC, we cross paths at work, I would eventually text him or fool myself into “c’mon, it’s just sex wit the ex, one last time”.
I will spare you the details, including the 25+ women he cheated on me with, a serial narcopath.
I do want to tell you, every single one of you, that YOU ARE WORTH IT AND YOU CAN DO IT! You can walk away, he is NOT your savior, you are not his, this relationship is not special, there is no karmic bond, there is no reward at the end, there is no perfect couple horoscope that excuses all his behavior – NO! You are a goddess, you are the queen of your castle. And this happened just to teach you to love yourself. Now love yourself, treat yourself well with the compassion you probably feel for anyone but yourself. Ignore him, block him everywhere, stop looking at his social media, or the other women’s profiles, no need to talk over it one more time, no need for closure (you will never get that until you close that door forever).
Forgive yourself for letting this happen to you (I felt so much resentment towards myself and I know it’s a hard one to admit). LOVE YOURSELF! You will heal and feel whole again, I promise you that.
I saw my ex narc three times at the office in the past 10 weeks, just passing by, but it still gave me chills. And for the first time I have the strength to hold my head up high and not even greed him, no dirty look, no nothing. Just indifference (though my body still reacts with a slight anxiety attack). It only get’s better. Every day you manage to stay away from this sickening experience you allow yourself to heal and make that space for the relationship of your dreams. If that’s what you’re dreaming of.
Create the life you want to live. You deserve it!
I went NC five weeks ago with someone I have been involved with for nearly two years. It’s so hard but you’re right, He showed up to teach me that i really need to love myself. Ive known I need to but I believed my self worth came from being with him and how he made me feel in the beginning. He kept saying if I didn’t do x then he wouldnt be y. It was crazy making. I had tried to just let things fizzle out but hed always come back and make me feel guilty and i would think it was because he loved me but hed never say he did. He kept using me. When I left He used pity. He said he’s always alone. He never returned the care i showed him. He chooses to be alone. Now I work on myself to have all I need inside me. Your message helped me really see it. Thank you.
Great to see that hopefully all have you have disposed of the narcs for good? Don’t worry about a thing because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you generous loving people. Who cares about the narcissistic person. They are very less than. Remain confident and in control of you. Thats all that matters. Love who you are and where you are at. Everything’s good for you. If not make it that way. Thats what the narcissist hates most. Your happiness. And the fact you are over them
I’ve been in a hellish marriage with my soon to be ex narc for 5 years. Finally filed for divorce after he got physical and got arrested…For which he still lacks remorse and putting the blame on me for every things. What gets me is, he has the nerve to call me the narcissist. He doesn’t have one empathic bone in his body. I’m starting to pick up the pieces of my life and come to realize I’m so better off without this credent and I wish him nothing but Karma for all he’s done.
I have been married for 20 years. Always felt something was wrong. It was only after being hospitalized with anxiety did I start seeing a councilor only to discover that I was married to a Narcissist. Understanding NPD and the associated behavior I empowered myself and gradually stopped feeding the much needed drug that fed abuse, manipulation and controlling behaviors. My husband felt his loss of control on me and announced his divorce in the presence of our 2 beautiful daughters. He was shocked when I accepted and resented me for it. It’s been a year and he refuses to grant me the divorce and the mind games have become targeted to destroy me and isolate me from my support structure. Just gone NO CONTACT. It’s so difficult as he uses the kids to break no contact after which the converstion drifts to our relationship. It’s hard to endure the abuse. Any advice?
I was with my exnarc for almost 3 years. I have a 2 year old daughter and now 3 months pregnant. After all the initial warning signs i only ignored them in hopes our first child would make us a happy family. When i didn’t go with his plans, always centered around him, i would get berated with “thats why nobody likes you” and “you USED to be cool” kind of statements. We have been in physical altercations and even when police were involved the blame was always shifted towards me. Its been over 3 days of no contact (something i failed at doing every time before when trying to leave him) and not only do i feel stronger but with so much more self esteem and confidence to stay away. After finally admitting to my father all the horrible things he has done to me, he gave me the confidence to finally say “no. I am no longer taking this. I deserve better.” his mother is an enabler and only attacked me when i decided to leave saying things like “youre just crazy! No man wants to be with you!” which was a huge sign that not only should i have left sooner but there was never any hope in the relationship. Even being single and pregnant and the prospect of taking care of 2 children alone with no help is a light at the end of the tunnel after this trainwreck of a life I have been putting up with. This article is so enlightening and is only inspiring to keep going in the right direction. Thank you.
So many of these stories ring true to me. I too was dating a Narc for a year. The whole string of flirtations with girls on social media, the overinflated ego, the berating to me….all ring true. I am on day 2 of no contact. Reading and researching has been so helpful as I cannot ignore what he is and what has become of my life. All the things I loved to do kind of vanished eventually, I just had no real energy left after awhile and his requirement for consistent attention dictated that my life be left on the backburner. He always would say “We are one”. My gut would always be chilled by that and I should have followed it along time ago. This has not been our first breakup I am sorry to say. Last time was months ago and I remember feeling so much better almost immediately. I didn’t know about NPD then nor no contact. I wish I had known about “no contact” it seems like the saving grace. After being pursued aggressively during our former break-up, having my heart strings sung to and plucked, “oh I can’t live without you”, “Oh I will sequester myself at home and will not answer any calls/text/anything I will wait for yours all weekend” and me fighting and fighting this. Then flowers sent and the crack opened and I caved. Biggest mistake I made but here I am again. This time armed with the knowledge of no contact which gives me hope. A little tip, you can block from email. If you have a gmail account it says it will go to spam. I knew that I would probably not be able to resist checking spam, but then thru researching online I found a way you can have spam immediately. Good thing because a few days ago when I first did no contact I didn’t do this and he got in thru email—thus the words and manipulation and the contacts came thru making me feel drained and uncertain and unhappy all over again. Now with the emails not coming I feel like I have a fighting chance. Bless you all who are going through this. Remember you deserve to be respected and you have a love in your heart and kindness that should be reserved for yourself now to build your strength and offered to others who don’t use it against you. A person with NPD is not a person you want to engage with on any level.
What a great article. This is exactly what my ex narc is doing now. Reading thru the comments and something stuck out. They do exactly what you tell them NOT to do. They are very childish. So what if we try reverse psychology? Instead of saying “please stop contacting me” try saying “I hope you continue to contact me. Dwell on me. Never move on and get a life. Just keep sending me messages day after day even though I will never respond.” Do you think it would work? They will do the opposite and actually stop?
Good advice. But when a NP is family member, whoa nellie, complete amputation of no contact is a whole new ballgame. I have a NP for MIL and BIL. The Misses and I have been NC for six months now. It all blew up ugly. They were and have been really abusive. It puts a real strain on our relation with FIL. Nice guy. But beat up too. Worn out. We are not welcomed in the house that he pays the mortgage on. Add properties and financials and it get to be a real mess. But holding our own so far. Thanks.
My narc lived with me for over a year and sucked me dry. He convinced me I was the one who was causing the problems (no sex, arguments, stress) The breakup took it’s toll – stomach aches – so much pain. It’s been a year and four months since I went no contact- nothing from him at all. This morning in my junk folder, I found an email from him asking me to have a cup of coffee and talk. I deleted it immediately, but I got the same awful feeling deep down that I worked so long to get over and it’s been on my mind all day. I am just writing this to get it out of my system. The people in my current circles do not understand what I went through, but I know you do. Thanks for taking my comment.
Every single word above is so true especially the bit about changing for all of 5 minutes then going back to the same behaviour x
These are sick individuals. I have been NC for a fortnight now but this is the 3rd time I have gone NC. But believe me this is the last time.The man is not worthy of me. He is not my reality. I will not be part of this sick circus anymore. Let him go to his phone harem which I know he has about a 100 women on his phone. How sick is that? He will never get to meet any of these women as he never leaves his flat. I only got to know him as he was working in my area. I wish our paths had never crossed. With love Mel xx
Less than a week after kicking him out (he would have stayed forever) he sent very sexually explicit texts. When I didn’t respond, he tried several more tactics – pity, guilt, nostalgia. It is very difficult to not respond, but being sucked back into that hell is absolutely not an option. It is day by day, and often minute by minute, to keep focused on moving forward and away from the madness. This website has showed me the importance of NO CONTACT. I wish I had read this 2 years ago, but am thankful I have it now for continued affirmation that I am doing the right thing.
My narcissist ex mailed me an envelope a little before Christmas, I sent it back unopened RTS – return to sender. Now the week of Christmas I got a card from his mom who is conniver and opportunist, she has given her son wrong when alone with me but she is the reason he is what he is, she taught him her shrewd ways. She’d lie to me to cover for her son. I decided to not open the card either and also return it to her. I don’t know if I did the right thing, I feel like I gave her a reason to say, “see how “she” is.” But why should I even care at this point, I wanted her to know that I see through her as well. Was I wrong to return her card unopened as well?
Heart of Stone I am standing and clapping. Good for you. Yes you did the right thing and let them think what they like.
Heart of Stone, you did the right thing! Yes, it sounds cold and callous, but it does not matter what they think. You are free from what they think!!!
Read dozens of N. sites, this ones dead on!! 5 yrs. living with a full blown N. 5 yrs. wasted. Nothing but emotional abuse everyday. talked and reasoned with her 1000 Times hoping to change her. No results! I was miserable every single day and night. she took but never gave. my life, my heart, my money, my self respect. I listened to her lies. saying I’ll change. she only got worse. tried breaking up but fell for her pity me tricks. again I was lies to. after 5 horrible yrs. and seeking me therapy. I realised I was just hoping my life away. And I was absolutely miserable. she’s sick and no one can fix her. like humpty dumpty! unfixable. like trying to replace an abnormal brain with a normal one. impossible by anyone on earth. so, I had to get this salvaged goods Frankenstein out of my life or they would eventually kill me. except from the inside out. life is a gift. they will waste yours away with time. by subjecting you to neglect and total indifference. these people are incapable of any form of love or empathy. almost impossible to believe but it’s true. the are real human monsters! cut these emotional and mental vampires off your life source or they will sick you dry. then throw you out like yesterday’s garbage and then go after a new victim. go 100 no contact or they will play on your kindness then suck you back. because you have love and are normal. but believe me your playing with a child of Satan. they have no love. No heart! don’t walk away. Run, away as fast as you can and never look back! because even the devil himself will go to church with you, just to deceive you! don’t be fooled! as I was for 5 long miserable years..be strong and carry on! and like me in no time you will feel a freedom you forgot you even had! you deserve a mate. not a mental case. and that’s all you will ever have with a narcissist! always remember that when you feel weak!
So glad I found this. Been with a N for 11 months. He was amazing the first 3. Always texting, calling, wanting to see me. Calling me beautiful, making me feel amazing and so charming. I knew him before we dating and he always seemed like the sweetest man. Then 3 months into the relationship came and so did the first fight. He completely shut me out. Didn’t talk to me for 12 hours. I’d never had something like that happen to me before so it was agonizing. We finally made up but he took zero responsibility and told me he treated me the way he did because of my behavior. I wish I’d gotten out then. Since then he had given me the silent treatment so many times I can’t count. It’s to the point where I wonder when the next time will be. Sometimes it just hours, sometimes it’s days but it’s been to the point where he’s gone 2 weeks without talking to me. And it’s always my fault. I’ve gotten to the point where I know he is dping this to punish me for things. But I also think it’s to make sure he stays in control of the relationship. It’s exhausting. He never takes responsibility for anything that happens. Whenever we finally talk again his apologies are always very veage and not sincere at all. But I am expected to take full responsibility. He is always the victim, and every situation. Not just with our relationship but with everything. If things don’t go right on his life it’s never his fault. It is such a turnoff at this point and so exhausting. He has had me to a point where I felt so weak, emotion all and crazy. I always am made to feel like I am absolutely batshit nuts whenever I voice any of these concerns. It’s all in my head, I’m imaging things. And aside from being ignored for days on end its so maddening to go to him with an issue and have him accuse me of always making problems when there isn’t one, or he always throws the same thing back at me. Like I feel the same way, I feel like you do the same thing to me do that’s why I do it to you. I am literally at my wits end. I blocked him on all social media’s and from my phone. I just can’t do this anymore. I know I deserve better and I’m tired of letting someone make me feel different
Great stuff.powerful info to enlighten the unenlightened.the info gives the victim power and forcesite to leave the wacco and heal!!!!!! I thank you and my entire family thank you with all of our damaged heart.Mr healing!!!!
Please help i was no contact and now the gifts are coming from Amazon gifts and gift expensive things what do I do? He’s flying 1500 miles to on a trip here help me so I return to sender and go total black out what if he shows up at my house
But what about when it is your sister? I married a narcissist identical to my sister. I divorced them both but cannot get free….They are now allies with similar frustration with my recovery and ability to no longer be coerced and to no longer fight. They hear nothing but their own voices. I want the magic words but they do not exist.
I dated a N for about 2 years I didn’t know he was an N until we just recently has an bad breakup. Make a long story short when I met him he mad himself seem like a sweet nice guy. Always talking to me I didn’t even like him at first and told him I didn’t want releationship but of course N ppl are very controlling and get what they want, so he mad sure he did everything he did to get into my life. He never stopped trying either he went so hard to get me. But little did I know this was all apart of the biggest nightmare of my life before my eyes. As soon as we got together he begins to start controlling me treating me like shit, going MIA and just doing things that didn’t feel right. I often told him I would leave and no longer put up with the way he treated me. He would then say he sorry and that he going to change. Of course he didn’t change only got worse. Months went pass I began to receive phone calls from another girl saying she was also dating him. At that point I knew I had to get away and leave this crazy guy alone because he had been telling me lies this whole time. Well once I tried to get away he than destroyed my car and made me lose all my jobs. He also threatened me and was arrested for all he did. Of course it didn’t stop there he reached out to me apologizing saying he was sorry for what he did to my car and he loved me and want a family. I wasn’t dumb knew it was all game told him I wouldn’t get back with him ever and he never have me as his gf again!! As much as I wanted to go back to him becasue Idk the love I had for him was like I ever had for no other guy. It was like he put something on me so that I could never stop loving him as much as he hurt me over and over again. He would try everything to get me back but luckily I was smart and strong enough to not go back and walk away. He is now with the girl he cheated on me with becasue she willing to put up with his crazy ass I guess he brained washed her so much that she stays she stupid power to her. I know he treats her like shit also becasue she told me he do and that he been cheating on her for along time. Well I feel he has affected my life a lot and now I’m getting counseling to try to move fwd with my life. Its not easy coming out of abusive N releationship and it really affects you mentally. Everyday I try to just keep focused and try not to think about everything becasue to be honest when you in releationship like that it hunts you and it’s hard not to think about all you been through. Those type of men will try to destroy your life for rest your life my ex has destroyed my life so much and now I’m trying to just fix it. Sometimes you wanna still talk to them idk why but something just make you wanna just be able to have conversation cuz u miss there charming ways and stuff. But it’s no good if your with an N please get out and run now b4 your in to deep cuz of you in deep trust me it will affect your life and hard to get your life back becasue your brainwashed and abused and messed up in head from everything they did and told you. I do hope one day I can be back to normal and get my life back. If anyone need someone to talk to feel free to reach out becasue I feel everyone that been in this situation needs someone to talk to and vent. I myself sometimes feel I need to vent becasue I been through so much but my prayers go out to all the people who been with an N and that’s with an N. Please get out now before you destroy and mess up your life and happiness becasue all those N want to do is destroy you and half the time if your beautiful independent and got a lot going for yourself they would definitely do they best to mess up your entire your life just for the thrill and they won’t care at all or feel bad this is a game to them and once your in it. It’s very hard to get out so I would say if you see signs of a guy being an N go the other way trust me!!!
This article was on point
Your words hit me hard, I’m in the middle of a breakup , 4 weeks in and it does feel like he did something to me to make me never stop caring! Even being able to recognize he’s love bombing me isn’t enough, because I keep getting sucked back in! I wish I could make myself go no contact, but I can’t! Every time I fall harder than the last
No, Amy… You have to. You have to do this for YOU! Trust me, I understand! It only took my N 4 weeks to drop the mask, but it still hurt like hell! It’s ALL because of the love-bombing!!! You have to realize — and this is hard to accept — that those were all empty words, carefully constructed to pull you in. This is not a person capable of feeling love … ever. You (nor anyone else in this lifetime) will EVER be the one to change him. THEY. DO. NOT. CHANGE. Please go buy the book, “Psychopath Free.” It will help you and give you the encouragement you need to move forward with your life. As kind, empathic, compassionate people, we want to believe that everyone else has it in them somewhere to be the same. Sadly, there are those who don’t and never will. Save yourself.
Hit the nail right on the head. Amazing that after 20 years of marriage to a narcissist I was so unaware. I work as an LEO and worked a lot through the years, even on my off days. For 17 years she was a stay home mother/wife. During the time I worked, she spent. I could never understand why there was always a shortage of money. Bills piled up, the mortgage went unpaid then boom…our 4th bankruptcy. That’s right 4th! It was a never ending supply of money to her, and she spent us into the ground, eventually also losing our house that I bought with a VA Loan. She didn’t care. Since she had been unhappy where we lived, we moved into the county I am employed with. Two years later came her breast augmentation with some of my savings, and then I got her a job with my agency. She blossomed in more ways than one. Her independence, and her confidence from all the attention she got from her new looks, propelled her to my final slaying. All the listed symptoms, definitions, and actions by a narcissist, fit her completely. She would talk about how she could not stand how people at work could be having an affair, while she herself was being courted by her boss. Heavy insults from her were directed toward me as she even had my daughter team up with her against me. Our family was in shambles. My son turned against me also because I was the bad guy, the person whom my narcissist wife had portrayed me as. At times it got so heated between us, I felt like leaving, but we were in a lease and I had nowhere to go, and no money because she was filtering my income through two other bank accounts she had. The insufficient funds checks and charges began to be more common in our main account. She then refused to deposit her pay checks into our account and instead, it was deposited into one of her accounts. Since I was so busy always working my career, I left her in charge of paying the bills. What a mistake, what had I been thinking!? She scathed off money failing to pay the full bills and instead, moved the remaining balance on to the next month’s payment. Sex became a game. She would tell me I said something wrong so therefore I was punished, and she slept in my daughter’s bedroom. Finally with the enlightenment of my sister, and a coworker at work, I began to see the light. On one weekend I completed two cash jobs and she demanded the cash be put in our main account or she would divorce me if I refused. Her verbal insults spewed from her mouth like the green pea soup from Linda Blair’s mouth in the Exorcist. It continued to get worse as the days went on. Then there was calm. Watch for this, it is a warning you should not ignore. You see, I am in retirement but don’t officially end my career until three years from now. Like the article says, the narcissist has been planning this all along. They look for people like me, those who give freely to make all family members happy, especially her. One morning I was walking out the door for work and she got out of bed to hug me and wish me a safe day. Unbeknownst to me, she had given my son some money to stay in a hotel with his girlfriend on the beach for the day, while she and my daughter cleaned the house out, by hiring a moving van. And of course her mother and aunt removed items of furniture that they would take out of state to be given to my wife’s father. I returned home after a long day at work to an empty house. She even had a safe technician get into my safe in order to remove all of my firearms, cameras, etc. There had never been physical violence or verbal violence on my behalf, or infidelity but that is contrary to her life. She was very verbally abusive toward me, and became more so as her secret relationship with her boss intensified. She left and then texted me the next day advising that she was divorcing me, starting a new life without me. My daughter went with her, as she is my wife’s narcissistic apprentice. Like the article says, she lured me back one month after she left. It lasted a month and a half before she suddenly told me over the phone that she wanted a divorce again, and this came after she previously had the divorce petition voluntarily dismissed. I had also had my counter petition dismissed because we were back together forever, right? A month and a half went by with her constantly texting me demanding child support payments even though we were not even divorced. The insults came and went, and so did the love bombings. Finally she couldn’t stand it. She lured me back for the final time on 10/16/16. She called crying about how she could not live without me, she could not breathe without me, her life felt like there was a big void in it. Don’t fall for it like I did. It was all about control, and her quest for money. Our back togetherness last 6 days. On that last day I had a sixth sense feeling that something was askew. She acted detached. We went to the gym and she went directly into the locker room for some time, unusual behavior for her. That was when she was contacting her lover by text or phone. When she came out she trained, and I did my own routine like always. Afterwards I took her to lunch and I began to feel something was just not right. We drove to her apartment, that’s right, her dad pays for her apartment in a ritzy part of the city, and met up with our daughter. We all decided to see a movie that night. My wife told me to take a quick shower and then they would get ready. I showered then dozed off for about an hour and a half. About an hour before we were supposed to leave, my wife advised she got a call from her parents and she had to go downstairs because the content of the conversation was none of my business. Of course not, her lover had reconnected with her, and that started her wheels turning in order to figure out how to rid herself of me, so the next day we had off together, could be spent with him instead of me. It was simple right? After the phone call ended, we all went to grab something to eat, then went to the movie. After the movie, my narcissist wife wanted to stop by a Walmart to pick up a few items. While in the store she acted different. She advised me that in the coming week she would be working a lot. Me too, we work the same shift so, I told her it would be touch and go scenario between us for about two weeks because I had training and a surgery scheduled. As we approached the cashier my wife told me to remove all my items from the cart, and when we get to her place, take all my things and leave. And that I did. We are now back in an active divorce which will go on into the new year. For her, it’s not about the 20 years of marriage or love of me, it’s about her, her love for herself, her Botox, breast augmentation, and now numerous tattoos that cover her neck, arms, back, and chest. It’s all about her and always has been, but I just wasn’t smart enough at the time to realize it all. I should have known that when she left the house and moved out, and left $9.19 in my checking account, what it was all about……..my retirement pension, alimony, child support, and anything else she thinks she’s entitled to. Stay away from these types! I am on a no contact regime right now, and ignore all that she sends etc. a narcissist can only destroy your life if you allow them to do it. I’ve learned a hard lesson late in my life. I am through dealing with all of the lies, verbal abuse, and stress she caused me. She can now destroy someone else.
Someone help me please. I just went back to my narc. Literally was friends with him for 2 years. Very nice person. Helmed me through a lot and we had a very close bond. 4 months of dating and his mask came off, I found him to be an explosive, borderline alcoholic, an EXTREMELY emotionally abusive and manipulative partner…
He ended up ghosting me and moving right on to the next, while proudly showing off on social media. I deleted and unfollowed him from everything. But I can still easily find his pages. I had to stop using social media for a while after we broke up in late August because I couldn’t take it and would honestly have an addiction to looking at his stuff. Keep in mind these past two months of being broken up he has done small and weird things to try and contact me or send a message, get me to think of him sort of thing. I know this is partly my fault. For some reason I am scared to block him. I don’t want him to be out of my life and I want to have him see what fun I am having. I want him to regret and feel the terrible pain he has put me through. Exactly a week ago today he would not stop facetiming me. I finally picked up and we talked and it SEEMED that potential could happen. I let him back in. And what do you know the next night I met to talk with him. We did. But looking back he was Not as detailed as he should have been to rest my broken heart. He ended up seducing me and we had sex. Twice. I didn’t feel bad because after we talked for hours and once again I felt he could change and be the man I wanted. We talked and he walked me to the car. We keep talking for a few days and I hear things that don’t add up. He already doesn’t start adding up. He said he was home sleeping, I drove past his house and saw he was not there. Lied to me 3 times through out the week to avoid hanging out with me. But yet was offering to take me out to eat. I caught him in his lies and flipped out. Never got a response. That was Saturday. Today I see him post a snapchat of the girl he cheated on me with and he was out to lunch with her. I called him a monster and still, no response. I told him thank you for proving to me once again who you really are. No response. So I deleted him once again off snapchat. So please tell me why WHY. Can’t I block him on fb, Twitter, Instagram and snapchat? And his number? I can’t will myself to do it.. I don’t understand why. HELP
I am in the exact same boat as you. My N treats me like shit and I hate him I really do. I hate that he knows exactly what to say to make me come back to him. And I hate that after a week of no contact he’ll FaceTime me drunk and crying, begging me to stay on the phone. I know I need to block him I do. But for some reason I just can’t. It’s like I’m a little scared of what will happen, and because deep down I still want him to want me. I know it sounds awful to say, but I’m a low point in my life and if I want help I need to be honest. I’ve been trying to stay nc with him for 8 months but keep falling off the wagon. Please help.
I have a similar story to a girl on here. I dated my narc for 6 months and it was a casual relationship, which I never would’ve thought in the beginning because he love bombed the crap out of me and said he wanted all the same things I did.
He triangulated me with another girl he was also casually seeing before I came along. He claimed he stopped seeing her when he found me because he wanted to see where we would go. I know it was all BS. He was probably still seeing her as well. He was king of silent treatment and gaslighting. He also got me pregnant to trap me, which I lost sadly but at the same time probably a blessing in disguise. He showed no empathy or reaction towards the loss, just like everything else. He was emotionless always. Sex with him was like being intimate with a robot. I enjoyed the high of it all at first but after some time it seemed too practiced. I felt like I was just something to masterbate into. It was gross.
I spent a few months NC before having to see him again not by choice (daily ugh) and I fell off the NC wagon for a bit, and have recently started back up on it.
It took me some time to realize that he’s an N. Only because of cognitive dissonance that we face as victims, and also because he was covert and very slick! He never raged at me etc, he would just dish out silent treatment like clock work to punish me. My instincts were on par from the very first red flag, which unfortunately I ignored every one of them for the longest time.
This psycho gave me crazy anxiety and depression and made me question my own sanity.
If you’re googling this type of behavior and coming across narcissism, don’t ignore!! I spent a lot of time thinking mine was just emotionally unavailable (which obviously he is this as well) but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what the person is… if you’re being treated terribly and not feeling like yourself, then you need to get out and start working on yourself, and ask yourself why you got to this place and how you can change it. I am still working on myself after this emotional abuse, if you’re reading this website, know that you are not alone and that you deserve better!!!
After trying to go no contact when my “friend” left the apartment we both lived in, she texted me constantly across many days with thoughtful crap she almost never said beforehand. At that point, it wasn’t sentimental, or even annoying. It was so hilariously transparent. It was like someone had swept all of the smoke away from her mirror and I could see right through it. And it was funny how desperate she got by trying so hard to manipulate my emotions.
She tried many tactics, and I didn’t respond for days. So she finally went out and bought me a gift that valued about seventy bucks and said it’s ready for me when I see her again. I had lost my patience at this point and snapped, then said, “I’m not you– you can’t just buy my respect back. Get over me. I’m not coming back.”
That little comment had her feeling pretty angry. So then she told me that for my insolence, she will get petty revenge. The “Revenge” plan she told me was so pointless and stupid that I had a laugh about it with friends of mine. If you tell a narcissist that something is even a LITTLE important to you, they will think that thing you cared a little bit about is a very big deal to you. This makes for some laughable attempts at them trying to hurt you.
To give you an example, it was like the equivalent of me saying “I totally want to be the best at spaghetti-making” and her telling me that she’s going to tell everyone my spaghetti sucked. Who friggin’ cares? I don’t know these people!
So sometimes, if you’re moving on and you no longer are investing you life and time in this person, watching them try to do everything to win you back over can be an amusing spectacle when they don’t know what marks to hit with you.
Ive been with an addict and narc for two years. Within that time Ive almost lost my house , my car , have had to cash in my daughters college fund , cash in my retirement ( im only 34) but Im a hard worker, and save $.
He kept making promises that he or his family would pay me back – he moved in with me right away , pretending he was only going to stay a few days. Then it was problem after problem . He was addicted to pain pills, I was the only sober person he knew … could I please let him stay?
Then he started stealing things, but swearing on his kids life , that he would never steal.
Then I find out the entire time hes calling me a whore , acting like Im being a mean bitch because he is so negative and never can hold a job , and I beg him to work , get mad that I have to cash in more savings.
Im the biatch , then I find out the entire time he has been using meth and pills while pretending to go to Aa meetings or counseling ( that I paid for) .
Then he acts like he doesnt understand why I cant trust him. calls me a bitcx again.
These men will never be healthy . They only change long enough to get what they want. Seriously he pretended to go to addiction meetings after I kicked him out, would tell me he was going to 3 counseling meetings a day, that he was workimg out, that he was working on himself .
For 3 months I made him stay away … to prove he could stay sober and get a job.
The second I told him he could come back , he stopped going to meetings, admitted he was taking pills to calm himself down , and that he wasnt going to work or let me work for a couple weeks … so we could just enjoy being together ..
Yeah that means , he steals my car , pawns my valuables , has sex with me , and when our lights get turned off or my car gets repossessed …. well he starts a pretend fight, goes to stay with some girl until I get my
lights on or my car back.
They are USERS!!!! They feel like you are an idiot for falling for their lies .
Really!! They really do see you as a stupid sucker . It is how they want to live … the easy way .. blame you for all their drug and money problems but beg you to stay while hating you at the same time.
thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing. Today is day 1 of no contact. I won’t go into detail of what was done to me by the “N” word but in a nutshell, it consisted of crying myself to sleep with him right next to me, finding out he was advertising himself on Craigslist along with responding to adds and paying for sex. Finding out he’s been sleeping with men for the last 2 years but blamed me since “I was boring” and so on…after 6 years I did it. I left. It’s been 4 days. I’m ashamed to say that I’ve been intimate with him 2 times since I left. It’s stupid I know. But my self esteem is so shot that I thought maybe JUST maybe me not being with him would trigger something. I was wrong. He got what he wanted then picked a fight and left while yelling out “no one put a gun to your head. You didn’t HAVE to let me come over” This man has causes me to almost take my own life twice in the last 6 years. Everything that was said in the article was dead on. That’s EXACTLY how the texts start. Today I made the decision that I’m done for good. We have no kids together so the balls in my court. Ive been tempted to respond all day and was just about to respond when I chose to google some kind of motivation. I was anxious when I first started reading then the desire to contact him diminished as I continued to read. Your right. He’s laughed at me and humiliated me. He saw me at my worst and didn’t so much as flinch. I will not contact him. I will smile again one day. Thanks again. This may in fact be my new beginning. I was always be eternally grateful. I will read this every time I’m tempted to respond. I WILL smile again one day…
I had an amazing relationship with my bf of 4 yrs. He was my best friend and I loved him and ended up cheating on him with a narc that was a friend of ours. He found a crack in our relationship and slipped his way in between us. I then started doubting my relationship I had with my bf of 4 years when he would anything and everything for me and after spending time with this narc I started to see all the signs. He was jealous, controlling, everything was my fault always!! I wouldn’t leave my bf and fully committ to him so that gave him permission to ” talk” to other woman! Told me he loved me and I’m the only he felt like this about ever. That he thought I had an Amazing personality and made him so much and the list goes on. Always building me up to tare me down again. If I went out I was ” slutting around on him” I ended up confessing to my bf that I had cheated. He was willing to to work on things with me after my affair of almost a full year with his narc. The narc still tries to suck me back in. The last time I slept with him he went off inside me and pretended he pulled out. I went and took plan b. He was intentionally trying to get me pregnant to trap me. He already has a 3 year old with another woman and constantly calls her down. I’m trying to get away from him still and it’s so hard. And like a lot of other ppl in this thread, I start to miss him and want to message him but won’t let myself. It’s only been a week since he contacted me last but he must have a new supply because if he’s not bothering me he’s bothering someone else. These ppl will never change. They will never be happy with anything in there lives. They are miserable ppl and that’s something I need to remind myself of everyday. Bless you all. Stay strong
I’ve posted on this forum in the beginning of my breakup 7 months ago. I can tell you now that I am out of the FOG. my relationship only lasted 4 months, within 2 months we were engaged (never would I had done something like this) this can happen to anyone, Im a professional with a psychology degree, own my own businesses, have been independent and successful all my life. This person came out of nowhere (the devil truly knocked on my door) I didn’t see this until hindsight. This was finally my dream come true, a love that I had never experienced, she said I was her soul mate and I believed that crap, the physical chemistry was like no other, I walked on water and was the most amazing peron she had ever encountered FOR 2 MONTHS. Then the S@#%show began..After confronting her about her making out with a guy standing next to me at a party GOD forbid I should have been offended and hurt let alone mention how I felt…I was called every name in the book, the push pull love hate, disappearing acts MIA..the verbal abuse, the personal attacks you know the drill…My 9 year old son had past away 6 months before this encounter and I was enmeshed in my grief (As I stil am and probably will be for the rest of my life…after 4 months of this POS in my life I said screw this and walked away not to ever look back..NO CONTACT ever again..I can now laugh at that situation (ot took several month to gain my self worth and self esteem back) I know who I am again and I AM THAT AMAZING person that even they saw in the beginning..I trust myself and my decisions again and continue feel my strengths more than I have ever in my life…I was devastated in the beginning as I saw my entire future with this person..I finally looked at the grief of my dream and not grieving of her and thats what started my healing…I asked my therapist Why can’t I figure this out or understand this WHOLE THING…it was maddening…she stated ” You will never FIGURE her out nor do you want to..if you could you would EXACTLY like her….MOVE on and set yourself FREEEEEE…. live and blessings to everyone here living with it, going through it, or have left it..you will recover. Look at the reality of what you have lost or had given up not what YOU wanted it to look like…
Well said, thank you.
Thank you thank you for writing this article!! I searched out this subject and came across this in my google search. Reading this was like reading my life. I am currently on month five after breaking up with my narcissist boyfriend of four years. I did not realize exactly what he was through our relationship and only started researching after my therapist brought it to my attention. Every article I’ve read describes him to a T. I had always considered myself an extremely strong person but the impact on my life that continues is horrifying to me. My health has been affected and I’ve lost so much weight people are commenting on it. I feel like I’m under a dark cloud and can’t get out. I keep telling him to leave me alone but like this article points out he knows exactly how to get me to break. I’ve blocked his number but always end up unblocking it. He emails me or comes by my house. He’s contacted my family (some of whom still think he’s so great). He has had a now former friend screenshot my Facebook to see what I’m up to. He makes false accusations to so many people and leaves me feeling shell shocked. I know I have to get it together and can’t let him destroy me like he’s been doing. I’m so thankful right now that I found this article and judging by the comments I’m not alone. Thank you!
I have a problem, in that the malignant narcissist in my life is my mother. She has never let go of me- I have been “no contact” for many years, but it does not matter. She uses the “flying monkeys” to absolutely destroy me on every level. I used to be able to move continually, but once I had children, I had to stay put and stable. I have lost homes, businesses, had 5 cars vandalized to keep me powerless, my children abducted,( I got one back) my pets have been murdered. I have very little left- and she is still doing terrible things as of this writing. I have even disappeared- been in shelters. I
no longer can make a living, because she has slandered me so badly- even though I have graduate degrees.. My “father” has always been an enabler-My mother has hated me since I can remember- and has always been able to track me and tear my life to shreds. She is absolutely relentless, and I have not been able to stop her. I have tried legal means- and have been told” who would put a restraining order against their mother?” Not sure what to do anymore… I no longer have the money to even move. Amazingly, and maybe unfortunately, I am centered and grounded, not addicted and standing here— proverbially the “oak tree”. But, my life has no meaning, no future…my dogs are being hidden to protect them, my car has been, once again, vandalized to ruination, and I am now without a home- or job. So- what do I do to retrieve my life??
I’ve been separated from alcoholic, I believe narc for 4 years. We’ve communicated for the entire time until I finally lied to him saying I was on a retreat for a month. He’s continued to contact me but everything is :I’m praying for you” “you’re the best wife ever” “I’ll love you forever”
How do I know if he’s really changed? He’s only said kiND and loving things to me for about a year now.
I’m no good at expressing myself through writing but I was wanting some of ur advice please.
For a year now I have been researching the qualities of a Narc, I have been seeing a man for the last 4 yrs and his behaviour is sometimes so out of wack I needed some answers because in my eyes it is not normal.
as reading many of the other posts on here I too experience many of these qualities. 1st time it happened I was in a very dark place but managed to pull myself out. He cheated on me once and the second time I still think he did but he’s to this day denied this….
In 4yrs of knowing him he’s had 5 jobs & 7 cars. He seems to be on a cycle for every 3-4 months when everything gets on top of him and he leaves me again.
I want to know if a person can have overlapping qualities of different disorders?
After researching I thinks he’s covert Narc, physco, and bi polar.
His behaviour has a lot to be desired a lot of the time and he always says he knows he’s got problems…that he’s trying to work on it….but we are in the same position again.
I wonder if it’s me? I must be nuts to allow this behavior that’s I’ve only bearly scratched the surface of…..that when we finish I allow him to come back…sometimes it’s me that makes contact I’ll be honest.
This journey has all been about him the whole time…my family don’t like him, my friends despise him because of his actions and my sister has been friends with his sister for many years and they found out about 4 months ago about us (another thing about him I have been his secret life for 4 yrs) and warned my sister for me to stay away that he’s poison and that he will destroy me.
This has been one he’ll of a journey and I’m slowly realising that this man is not normal and that perhaps we are not meant to be that this will be my life if I let it continue. I’m tired of being decective I’m tired of not believing him and his lies…..I’m tired
RESIST THE DEVIL AND HE WILL FLEE.
I figured out my ex is also a narcissist. It sad to say I spent 10 years of my life dealing with him. I fell in love with his sense of humor and everything seemed so right in the beginning until a red flag came about. I realized he was very needy. For example, when he would invite me over, he would say you should come over so we can hang out. And I would say sure.. Then he would say when you come over can you please bring me something to eat? I said of course … I was fine with that because I loved him. But this kept happening every other few days .. And then he would tell him you’re the type of girlfriend that won’t do anything for me when he’s upset about something. I said to myself how can you say that when you work (he works graveyard shift) I wake up in the middle of the night (my sleep time) 1a to bring u something to eat.. He never saw that .. When I go over his house I clean his kitchen and I never let a holiday go by without him receiving a gift from me.. When his bad mood would arise he would talk and text me putting me down so much .. He would tell me how it was all my fault that I couldn’t get my daughters and him to become family-oriented.. And that he was gonna find someone who was gonna love him the way he wanted and deserved to be loved since I was incapable of it. He doesn’t have a good relationship with his teen son nor his mother. His relationship with them is off and on every 4-5 months. Then he complains and says I haven’t done anything for his son.. Plus how can I when I never see him??… He complains about how I can’t help him with his house .. He tells me since your house is all done with new appliances .. How about my house??? He expected for me to help him with his house because he expected for me to do stuff for him in return of what he did for me. For example, when I bought my house he had bought some fruit trees, garden lights, and a bed for my daughter, he fixed my broken stove for me which I was so thankful and grateful for. I would make him dinner jus to show my appreciation. He would then complain about how I can never buy him anything and that I should buy him his favorite shirt every month.. In my mind I asked myself .. Who says that??? I jus thought it was wrong for him to tell me to buy him a gift.. It has to come from the heart not to be forced to buy it. So currently I have NC with him. I pray he will not contact me ever but that hasn’t been the case over the years.. He would try ways to get in touch somehow.. I’m trying to be strong turn to friends and family for support. When I get an urge to call him .. I call my friends or family.. When I’m sad I think about all the bad things he’s told me to belittle me and tells me stuff like he hopes my rain gutters fall off since I don’t know how to clean them and I should clean them like how he cleans his.. How he tells me to do more squats.. And tells me I don’t know how to care for a man when he’s sick and that my care is equivalent to medi-cal … All I can do is stare in disbelief about everything that comes out of his mouth… Would never ever come out of mine …
I’m dealing with this as we speak. I’ve read so many times about the NC. It’s not been a week since I put him out. I mind my business and I literally try to go on and here he comes. I blocked his text messages so he is just emailing. Today he said he missed me and he loved me. Last night he said good night, love you. I did tell him that I loved him. This morning however, I asked him how many women today did he call sexy or how many women is he now in contact with. Oh then I asked him about the 2 women who were listed in his phone as guy’s names. I asked them how they were doing. For some reason, I just have to stay angry to push through. I come and read these articles and some how it reminds me of what I’m dealing with. I’m in the process of filing for a divorce. This entire article sounded like a conversation that just happened. This is absolutely insane. One breath, I want him to email me and the same breath I know it will lead to no good.
He wants me to spend money to send him back his puny promise ring. He gave it to me right before xmas and said it was my present…then invented things up and said I broke our love promise.Said he mailed me money and lied saying I was keeping that too. OMG liar! Should I send it back? He spends every waking moment on fb on his smear campaign smearing my name.
Omg this is my ex to a t the messages are exactly as he would talk for a moment I thought I was reading one of his messages I am currently just starting the no contact I left him 2 months ago n he stil hasn’t gotten the hint all I had to do was bring up his sex addiction which wasn’t an accusation as I found so much proof which he tried to flog off as if it’s really nothing. Ummmm no looking for sex within every women u come across even my best friend n then going online n having multiple sex accounts n chatting to all these women for sex isn’t nothing I don’t want AIDS. He thought me stating the truth was his justification to call me everything under the sun n make up his own bullshit stories I have finally after giving him a taste of his own medicine blocked him everywhere n I mean everywhere every app n every email on my phone on my FB everywhere n I’m soooo relived that I finally see the light. His favourite phrase was I’m honest loyal n commited lol what a joke that was
I sought out this article at least ten times now thru my journey and it helps every single time. He’s emailed me again after 3 months of not hearing from him and 9 months total of NC. This is the 6th attempt over those 9 months. We broke up 2 years ago and I really thought after these past 3 months that I wouldn’t hear from him again. And here he is again. Tonight he tried to add me on Instagram. Two days ago he sent me an email telling me he’s changed and he needed my advice. He’s really trying and I’m not going to give in. Every time I’ve caved, I regret it within a week and it takes months to get myself back to normal because he always drops me on my head after I open up to him and believe his pathetic lies. These people are awful. No respect for your boundaries. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told him to never contact me again- it never works. Of course at times I wonder if he really means it this time and he’s had an epiphany, but I remind myself that if he wanted to be in my life, he wouldn’t have screwed up over 20 times before. Him contacting me just makes me angry now! Every cell in my body wants to tell him to screw off because I am a stubborn, strong woman who sticks up for herself (now), but I know I can’t do it. It won’t mean a thing and he will have gotten the response he wanted. I’m praying he goes away…I am fearful now that he is going to try more drastic measures to get my attention. Like show up at my house, go after my friends or family… I’m trying to speak into existence that it won’t happen. It’s quite obvious he’s pushed his other supply away temporarily and I am simply the fall back option at the moment. I’m much more worth it than to be considered a plan B.
Thank you for providing a safe place for me to vent. This post has stopped me from reacting multiple times and I always keep it on hand for when he contacts me. It’s the most powerful tool I have.
My ex who I think is a narc, turned up at my door this morning after 3 months of being split up. I have been trying really hard with no contact and he has been sending me emails pretty much once a week under pretence of his post… The last email was 3 weeks ago accusing me of burning his post. That was the actual first time I did not respond at all. Before that I had been trying to be helpful but kept the emails to indifference and to the point about his mail. So shocked I was this morning to see him at my door. Again under the pretence of seeing if he had any post. Then proceeding to ask my how I was and do I want a hug and trying to tug at my heart strings by doing gestures trying to touch me or tweak my nose like he used to. I stopped him and didn’t respond but was polite and then told him I had to go as I was busy, he still tried asking me stuff about my holiday… I was polite but said I had to go. He eventually left saying nice to see me as if we had bumped into each other in the street…
This really did throw me and after he left I was in tears… But I think I dealt with it ok. After I had been out with a couple of friends for lunch I went shopping and passed him as I was driving he looked at me gave a wry smile and carried on walking… To my shame I almost orchestrated the meet. As I had seen him earlier in the shop. I am not proud of myself and feel like kicking myself for doing this…. But to be honest he made me feel vulnerable and confused…
Anyway I got home and felt so shaky that I emailed him and again am kicking myself for letting him get a response out of me. I emailed saying pleas don’t email me or come around my house anymore etc etc…. And again if I am honest I want him to respond… I was doing so bloody well yes still hurt, still missing him, but feeling stronger and better every day and him knocking on my door has just thrown me straight back to 3 months ago…
Very disappointed in myself
Omg. This is the exact way he talks. And his name is Alex too, he tried to hoover me back, and he threw guilt and shame at me, trying to make me feel bad, twisting everything around. But, bam, block and goodbye for ever
I can’t believe I stumbled upon this whilst trying to find what was wrong with my narc ex and now it all makes sense. I have been with him for 16yrs and had 3 children to him but he never lived with us using many excuses that he cant leave his mum ect so I brought them up on my own whilst he visited daily, it was all really about claiming his mum’s house n leading his double life I took so much abuse mostly mentally but also physically( which then he made me feel and believed I deserved it, ugh only a narc could punch you in the face then eat his food face to face whilst your bleeding like he hadn’t done it)? I left him on and off throughout the years to save my sanity n my fake bubble of a life I protected myself which often burst and needed a break from walking on egg shells and his mood swings he often told me I was mental and crazy and often question it because of my reaction to his abuse and the abuse I suffered as a child. I thought he was suffering depression or a personality disorder and felt sorry for him despite the suffering he caused me. He went to see a therapist but charmed his way out of it then just blamed me. He never paid for anything at all for our 3 children or living and he has 2 jobs 4 cars etc. He faked his way into owning half a business then calls them useless they wouldn’t manage without him etc like he does every1 including his friends who were also useless who I never knew half of and his other boss he could do a better job etc he charms and lies his way around everyone and all believe him. Everything goes so well for him whilst I’m left struggling with 3kids no family no friends no career and he loves it. I have been using the no contact rule for 2months and yes he tried all the tactics explained. Its been 11months since i finally left so why do I still have so much anger and hate and miss him how could I. I hoped god would punish him or karma but no and that just feels even worse n I can’t even get revenge. I feel so lonely
its been two years no contact, he still pulls that lever by sending messages that I never respond to through my mother. He gets no where I have disapeared and his movements have been restricted because he cant find me or get to me, but every month at least once a month he sends my mother a text or something. Last year he would pretend to be concerned, but he was being nosy, so I had my mother tell him I have a boyfriend to stop his spying, this year hes going nuts, and he told my mother he wants me to drop it. I had relations with him once and cant get him even through my disapearance to stop texting my mom. If I threaten him he will obide by my threats but hell do the very thing I tell him not to do. I hate this mf with every fiber of my being and wish he would die, but I never react. Why wont he stop this?
Well this has been an interesting read, thanks everyone. I have been in a relationship with a narc for 6 months. And I have left him now. At first i couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have found this cool fella, always in contact, affectionate, always wanted to be around me. And after a couple of months I saw signs of jealousy and super possessiveness, everything turned pearshaped when I moved into his house away from my home town with my two children. He isolated me from my friends. I wasn’t allowed to go out, wouldn’t even be allowed just at my girl mates houses In case one of them would bring a guy round. It was a mans world and I would need to be a good Mrs and stay in line and if got out of line I would be told and to get back in to line. He caused fights with my friends. And accused me of hitting on his friends and standing in my own puddle of juices getting wet over them, which was so embarrassing Cos I’m haggardy and an old slut that the guys wouldn’t possibly be intrested in. My friend was there and she said I didn’t do anything wrong and she told me she would never be coming back to our house again after the way he was treating me. He would argue with me about nothing for hours, maybe about parking crooked up the drive.or using a tea towel, because tea towels are disgusting to him… Or if I did the dishes and left one blemish, I was untrained. I didn’t know how to deal with him. I challenged him, and went to his level. That didn’t work, the next time I ignored him, that made him worse as he would think I was too arrogant. And lastly when he carried on about nothing, I tryed diffusing him, saying ok honey I agree with you, and just calm him down hoping when he cooled down I could reason with him then. Nothing worked at all. He would demand to know about my past where he would use it against me. He would call me the most horrific names and then an hour later say I was the love of his life and he wanted to marry me and he was going to treat his little honey better from now on. He wouldn’t let me go on contraception because he wanted a baby and have me home, he was jealous of my relationship with my boys and I believe he would of driven them away. After putting up with a lot of emotional abuse along with one scenario of physical where he pulled my hair n pulled me on the floor, I knew it wasn’t right and was only going to get worse and especially the day before I walked out he was going to treat me better n then the very next day argued with me about me something as stupid regarding the hot water bottles, there was so much I could say but I’d be writing a chapter book… I got my friends and packed up my things and moved out… I didn’t hear from him for a week after I left and I thought that was it. I heard from him two days ago sending me an Apology for the way he treated me and how lovely I am, and then the next sentences blaming me for everything and justifying his actions with his distorted truth of what really happened. He would be like I didn’t want to lose you you were the best thing that happened to me but you will be happy now you can go back to all ex boyfriends and dead beat niggers so they can put there smelly dicks inside of you. But just wanted to tell you that you won’t meet anyone who loves you as much as I did. I did break the no contact rule for a day but am now doing it again thankful to this article. I’m so confused to why it’s so hard to walk away part of me hates him and another miss him but with all the things he would do n say don’t understand why I would be missing that! Anyway onwards n upwards we are staying with family at the moment n moving in to a plc of our own in 4 weeks. Life turned upside down but feeling ok and strong n know I he to get my children out of that place.
Every bit of what you are saying sounds exactly like my X and myself. Huge eye opener. Thank You very much, knowledge is power.
To free at last… thank you, thank you, thank you. Exactly what I needed to hear. Leaving my narcissist ex has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even now 2 months later, I still find out what he’s been up to, how many women he’s been cheating on me with. We have a 4 year old.. So sad. I’m the classic codependent I think. Always strive for perfection. My children, my career.. Meanwhile ive been living with a monster of a person. The lies and cheating just seem to have no end ;(
But I’m learning to tune it out. To tune out thoughts that don’t benefit me. All of the hurt and anger and pain. I choose a different thought. And I’m getting stronger everyday. Moving into a bigger home, started my own business. I’m manifesting the thoughts I create..
This blog has been so helpful for me. And I love reading it. Thank you Savanah <3
I just would like to say thank you. I needed this boost to my confidence. We need the support and to read the experiences of others at times. Sometimes its so difficult to try to comprehend not loving someone that you are in love with. It just seems easier to try to be with them and ignore their behavior. It is such a battle… But thank you
In reading this blog and the comments, I feel for so many of us who have been victims of a narcissist. I’m here simply to add that going No Contact is totally doable and really does work. One thing you have to be ready to do though in order for no contact to work is – you MUST be ready to let him/her go. If you’re not, you won’t be able sustain no contact. But don’t believe the BS when he tries to contact you and salvage whatever he can. He’ll never change. NEVER. Clinically speaking, most narcissists aren’t curable. Some can and do get help, but most don’t. If you’re with a narcissist who also has an addiction (I was – he is a “functioning” alcoholic), the problem is then compounded even more exponentially.
And for those who do get help, unless the therapist understand, truly understands, narcissism and how it works/how to treat it, like another commenter pointed out, the narc will simply charm the therapist and really, the therapist just becomes another source of narc supply.
I was lucky. I’ve had enough therapy in my life (my mother is a narc) that by the time I started dating this guy, my foundation of self-esteem and self-worth were already well established. I’ve been a confident, independent woman for many years (I’m in my early 50s). From the very beginning I saw the incongruency of his words. The idealization/love-bombing phase, while fun, didn’t last more than about 5-6 weeks. I ended it (the first time) after less than 3 months. I ended the second time (after “trying again” knowing full well the relationship was NEVER going to work) after about another 6 weeks (after taking a month away). I went no contact then. I saw him late Oct. at a concert and he wanted us to try friendship. And I said okay, knowing full well that he wouldn’t be able to sustain that either. For all the professions of how “close” he felt to me, and how much I mean to him, and all the blah blah blah, he can’t help but be who he is, and after maybe a month – 5 weeks, I simply went back to no contact.
The sad reality is – and this is REALITY – while they cannot help themselves and often their narcissism is simply a product of early childhood issues / trauma / neglect, etc. they ARE who they are and that is very unlikely to ever change, and any change will be small and may not even last.
Know that their problems have NOTHING to do with you. Once you get distance and learn about narcissism as a disease, and see how many people have had the unfortunate experience many people here have had, staying away becomes so much easier.
Because you realize that nothing about the “relationship” you thought you had, even during the idealization / love bombing phase, was real. Nothing. You even begin to question the sad stories he told you about he exes, how they hurt him, how he just wants real love, honest connection, how he feels your connection is so special, what he’s always been looking for, how lucky he is you’re even available and that he got you. It’s all a facade, and the persona they project is not the person they are – at all. Usually not in the slightest. Trust me, what’s underneath is full of rage and hate (self-directed) and tremendous insecurity and lack of any real self-worth. Their toxicity permeates every relationship in their lives – no one is immune, including, unfortunately, children.
They seem so loving and attentive, but it’s all self-serving, and a means to an end.
I got out very quickly. I also didn’t fall in love so it was much easier for me (and being in therapy at that time was also valuable in helping me understand my attraction to narc’s and helped me break the cycle). The experience was helpful for me in reconciling some of my issues with my mother, and helping me understand her better.
You cannot win. The relationship isn’t real. It will never ever be what YOU want. Do yourself a favor, whatever your situation, get out. You’ll hurt in the short term, but OMG in the long term you will get your life back and have a chance a real happiness. You come first. never forget that and don’t sell yourself short and give your life away to someone who simply does not have the capacity to love another human being, and will never be what you deserve.
Ugh! Had the revelation about 48 hours ago. He’s a narcissist! Revelation is great – almost 37 years together is a lifetime for some. No idea if or how I’ll get out of this. We have adult kids, a grandchild and aging parents. I don’t even know if the co-dependent behavior I’ve learned can be undone. I feel as though I wasted my youth on a man who can never really love me. So sad but relieved to know what “it” is.
Wow…i have read many of the replies and they all seem so similar. I never thought I would get my self caught up in something like this. I’ve was with my ex boyfriend for 10 years and just found out about NPD about a month ago. He has controlled and manipulated me for the past 10 yrs. I fell deeply in love with him. I thought our relationship was perfect until now finding out about NPD and realizing our 10yrs was all a lie. He would always break up with me right after having a great romantic week or day and the next morning he’d say it’s over. I could never understand why. It’s really hard for me to talk about this. I’ve read many posts on different sites but this is my 1st time replying. My heart is broken and I’m so hurt to the point I don’t know what to do or have any one to talk to. I isolate myself at home, cry a lot, it’s hard and hurts so much. He keeps texting me and I respond only because I’m scared of what he may do. He has so many pictures of me & texts that was between the two of us in his phone and I feel like if he gets mad that might be the first thing he use to hurt me. I want to go no contact but I’m so scared. I live alone with my two daughters and sometimes I can’t sleep at night thinking he will come to my house. He has never put his hands on me in a bad way, but from researching It could happen. I don’t know what to do. I feel that I need to collect evidence to show that he is this monster, or no one will believe me and he will just destroy me. I don’t feel strong enough to handle this but I’m trying. Reading this post helps and I see that all those texts is just to get me to respond and I fall for it everytime. I really need help. Will he come after me if I go no contact. I tried it but didn’t last because he went into a rage and I got scared and replied. Can someone help me please?
Everything you read on any Narcissist site is correct. Please keep your NC.DO NOT ALLOW the Narcissist to get in contact with you at all!! Block them from everything an anything!!! Please Pray to GOD to set you free from this monster and he will !! Ask GOD to take your feelings away from your heart !!! Sometimes we cannot do this on our own and we need help. They never LOVED you in the first place and its all an act on their part. You see they have been doing this for a long time and they know what to say and do to get you back where they want to !!! Just to hurt you again . They get off hurting people. You have to remember they are NOT capable of LOVING anyone. So if you’ve heard that they have another Girlfriend . Don’t think its all good and they Love her more than you .The same circle of Manipulation, Control will be happening to her to in a matter of time!!! Remember they NEVER change !!! The woman and men that they get involved with change from one to another but the NARCISSIST WILL REMAIN THE SAME !!!! I PRAY FOR EACH AND EVERYONE THAT HAS EVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH THESE MONSTERS.TO FIND THE COURAGE TO LEAVE THEM AND HAVE A MUCH HAPPIER LIFE WITHOUT THEIR POISON IN THERE LIVES!!! GOD BLESS YOU ALL !!!!
Wow. This was word for word what happened for 4 years with my ex narc. I’m actually finally over him and in a better place but still going back and thinking about his repetitive and hurtful behavior still makes no sense to me.
I learned a lot from that relationship but one of the most important lessons I learned is to listen to what the people who care about you think. If they tell you you’re changing and it seems like the life has been sucked out of you, please listen to them. Not a single friend of mine or my parents liked this guy and they kept telling me he’d never change and it turns out they were right. It took 5 major breakups over 4 years for me to learn he would never change. He even moved to Texas during the time we were dating twice and broke up with me both times and ended up on my doorstep 2 years later crying, begging for me to take him back and said he was moving back “for me”. He broke up with me 2 months later. That was the event that really opened my eyes and realized this was going to keep happening as long as I let it happen.
My best advice to anyone going through this is to listen to what your friends and family have to say and always stick with your gut instinct. I know I kept ignoring mine.
My prayers go out to all of those who are with a narcissist and feel like there is no way out. Please know there is a way out and it does get better but you have to cut all contact and never turn back. Best of luck to all!
Great article. I went no contact w My narc x 18 Mo ago after divorce. He contacted me every 3-4 Mo without me replying. It’s been 4 Mo now and I just found out that the $12,000 lien he left on the house will not be released regardless of the fact that we’re divorced. If it was a smaller amount, I’d let it go. Attorney says I’m letting him get away with not being responsible. She gave me free advice but cost too much to teoresent me. Idk what to do. All I see is a drag out in court because he’s never paid any of his debt. Just when No Contact was going so well & i was moving on. Court date is set to garnish wages, demand monthly payments or hold him in Contempt of Court and I’ve been holding on to the letter for a week cuz I don’t want to start the contact (game) again. He will love it. This could go on for 10 yrs!!! Pls help!
I’m reading through all the comments and am amazed at how similar everyone’s experiences are. I’ve been in a relationship w my N for almost 4 years and in those 4 years my life declined in every way. I went back and forth with the on again off again break ups because the relationship just never sat well with me. We finally broke up last year after he told me he was expecting another child with his first child’s mother. He managed to convince me that it happened while we weren’t together and he didn’t find out until she was 6 months. I took him back and I thought things would be different but they weren’t and now I am at no contact and I’m getting the ‘we need to talk’ text. Knowing what I know now I don’t have a deep desire to have contact and I don’t want to deal with the backlash and the extremes narcs pull. I’m staying prayed up, faithful and my eyes on God because I personally believe that these types of people are spiritually possesed. Someone or thing stole their spirit and I am very much spirited so I guess it’s to be expected. My prayers are with all of you, that you remember that you are meant to be free and happy!
God help me and I pray for others who are trying to get out of one of these situations. I have gone no contact but am being tempted to start the cycle again. Your right it is so very hard to give up this cycle. Please pray for me and I am praying for you. Love yourself and pray very hard.
My N I finally stopped talking last year. She called herself my friend for five years and I dumped her cold turkey but we work at the same place and I could feel her staring planning her revenge. When she started to enact her plan, it went horribly awry and back fired in her face and of course she blamed me. My N confronted me and it ended in a physical confrontation which I came out the victor. My guilt till this day is I called out all her little secrets that contradicted /broke the image she had she been perpetrating for years. I was ruthless, nasty and just a plain disgusting something even more menacing and vomit-like than a N. I knew I broke that person that day and I feel bad about it but I will never apologize or give them satisfaction of confirming their delusion’s and lies.
It’s been a year and a half since absolute No Contact, no reaction, no word from my side. The best way to see a narcissist’s true face is to reach the point in which you realize that he is able to completely and mercilessly destroy you. He’s been carefully planning that, in case you decide to leave. Be very well aware of what you say and share with such a psychopath, because, at some point he will wish to use it against you, even if it is going to kill you. Expect the worst blackmailing and intimidation. However bad it looks, it is actually good. Because, that’s when you truly realize what a Satan he is. Don’t be scared! Show that you are not afraid and that you don’t care for whatever he’s going to do. Go to a shelter for abused if you need. But STOP any contact!!! Any reaction! Act as if you are dead. It is going to be extremely hard in the begging, they are like a plague, they posses your mind. Your poor brain was trained not to think about anything else, but him. It is important that you cut off with peeking into his FB or any other social profiles. Don’t do it to yourself. Time will heal, believe me. I was a complete mess, I was destroyed mentally, emotionally and even physically – I felt extremely exhausted. So far, I have blocked tens of fake FB profiles, that I new it was him, because, each time the bastard would give me a clue, at some point. At some point I stopped blocking because, eventually, I don’t F***ING care. If he has an urge to monitor my FB activities, let it be. I don’t really care anymore. And that’s the best!
Reading those Spaghetti Test excerpts sounded EXACTLY like the narc when I went no contact almost 2 years ago. He tried everything under the sun, but thankfully I was finally at the point where I could understand what he was doing and observe. It was amazing to see the tactic switches happening… exactly as you described above. Great post!
This is some really great info and some awesome methods for dealing with the issue. I guess I am kinda curious as to how to deal with someone who is assuming your a narcissist because they fail to see what their partner does in the relationship to try and be proactive and engaged. Also, what about factors like ADD/ADHD or things like TBI or PTSD? How do you differentiate?
So glad I found this site…I’m drinking up every word and am feeling validated….I pretty much have been handling things pretty well on my own with my ex…I was able to maintain no contact for two months until he found me grocery shopping….he sobbed, apologized etc…I got into the same old, same old with more intensity for about two more months…I’m back to no contact…very difficult when he finds ways of getting a message to me usually regarding him having to go to the emergency room or doctor for stage 3 cancer ( lies of course)… I guess I just need to vent to an audience who has no emotional investment in me but also need advise…because I’m not responding to his messages (pathetic and nasty) he has now decided to post pictures of me and my mother on his face book page…innocent enough but it’s getting under my skin…most would advise me to block him,however, I feel the need to know where his head is at so that I can avoid certain situations…feeling a little weak right now
I had taken back my N EIGHT times. Been there done that in every imaginable way. I’ve been told everything under the sun by my ex N. I know it’s hard. You are NOT going no contact when you stalk his FB page to ‘see where’ his head is at. You’re kidding yourself if you believe that. You are keeping yourself tied to him I can state that because I’ve done the same. Please stop that! It’s no good for you. Please understand that no matter what he’s doing or what he says or spews out, he will never treat you any differently. And, usually the treatment of you gets worse each time you let him back in. I even KNOw that my N is a diagnosed NPD and I still took him back.
Great website, thank you. I went no contact 10 months ago and I still find it hard, I have tried everything but he still dominates my thoughts, but it is getting easier. Reading this is like listening to my ex, he would do exactly these things with the photos and the drawing me into a conversation then ‘lets go away and talk about it’. Of course we would never talked about it away as I was then spoiling the lovely treat that he had planned. I was with him for nearly two years. We spend four months apart in the second year, and he used to make me feel responsible for the time apart. I would fret terrible as it was such a ‘wonderful relationship’ and we would part over silly misunderstandings. He would want to spend all his time with me and this lead to me giving up some of my work creating financial difficulties for me and isolating me. The possessiveness ‘because he loved me so much’ and the isolation were simply too much. He would say that he never run me down, shouted at me or swore at me but it was abuse because he tried to isolate me and make me doubt my own mind while playing Mr Perfect and showering me with expensive gifts, weekends and holidays as well as making my life easier by me ‘not having to work so much.’ One day I just though, ‘Is this what I think of myself, that I can let someone do this to me?’ And I decided to change I realised that my husband was probably a narcissist too and I just spend most of the marriage making excuses and after the break up trying to get along with him despite verbal and emotional abuse. The last relationship was so bad I had to look at myself and re-evaluate all my previous relationships including the ones I had with my parents as a child. Wow, it’s good to get that off my chest, phew! 🙂
Thank you for telling the truth so that one more person sees they aren’t crazy and moves out of the dark and into a better life.
Your absolutely right! They don’t get it and always seem to pop up when you least expect it..
No matter how many times you tell them to leave you alone they still don’t get it.
I told my ex narc to not contact me so many times but he still did.. I think it’s got challenge written all over it plus they hate loosing control.
I’m proud to say I’ve been 10 weeks No Contact and it feels great.
I’ve blocked him on Watts App but can’t block on normal messaging so I still wonder is this it? Has he gone for good?
Fingers crossed he has..
Once they have new supply they do leave us alone but only for a short time as once the novelty had worn off they will be knocking on our door…
Told the N not to contact me for any reasons at all & after 4 months he still has the cheek to email me & asked if he calls me, will I talk to him? What a joke!! They really don’t seems to get it do they?!? Lol
For the somatic, I think the typical ‘monogamous’ relationship seems to last about 6 months (with the only possibility being longer is if he has something on the side). Really, even that is pushing it.
Found out the somatic I mentioned in my earlier post, who after discarding my friend for another girl with 2 kids and loveboming the crap outta her on FB have broken up after only 6 months and he’s already onto his new supply. He wooed my friend for the same length of time and only tailors his compliments for whom he is trying to target. It is just so textbook. So much for his now ex whom he claimed was the ‘love of his life’.
We sort of sat on the sidelines, wondering when the trainwreck was gonna happen b/c this girl left her marriage for him. Not good.
The thing too, is that FB is so juvenile when it comes to advertising your relationships. People get to see when you broke up, and it’s advertised all over. It’s just so middle school.
This somatic is doomed to a life of repetition. He will be 50 and still working low end jobs, on the prowl, hitting the gym, idealizing and discarding, never changing. It has to be such a lonely feeling. But then again, he doesn’t seem to feel anything.
Savannah, this post is great. I am divorcing my N after 18 years, we have 2 kids. How can I maintain no contact and co-parent? I have put boundaries in place like crazy, but inevitably we overlap at kids’ games or when we must parent together. The last time this happened, my N crossed my emotional, sexual and intellectual boundaries within 2 min, giving me the teary, lovely dovey N Stare that says “I love you, love us together, I appreciate you” which is how my N has manipulated me for 24 years. The kids were there for this, and when he reached out to touch me I was stuck because he set me up to be the bad guy in front of our kids. He is playing victim to my request for no contact, He wants everyone to see he is a living caring man, he is even campaigning with our friends. help!
DDG You’ve got to change your mindset to where it doesn’t matter what he says or does to you or anyone else. He can’t upset you without your permission – right? If you don’t care nothing he says will have any effect on you. Tomorrow’s blog will help with what you’re dealing with.
Just breaking away from my superior “King “N”. I am so thankful to you Savanah.pure luck brought me to your website lol. I finally understand his need to keep me insane, and I’m so done with his bs!! One day at a time I guess. Looking forward to starting MY life again…thanks so much!
I too am in a relationship with a narcissist. I actually married this “man” 2yrs ago next month. I recently found out he has the cluster b type personality & a whole lot more issues. Problem is, I love him by but I don’t like him. I know I have to leave because this relationship is by far the worst one I have ever been in my entire life; it is extremely unhealthy, he is incapable of change, & therefore the relationship has no future. Thank God there are no kids together here. I was the only one trying to make life better for us but in speaking to him there is nothing I can do to pleaae him or make him happy, so I’m out. My advice to other women is if he is not willing to go to counseling early in the relationship, does not admit to being wrong for anything, you are always being accused of something (usually made up), then you don’t have a helathy relationship & he may be a narcissistic, self-contained, anti-social, egotistical bastard!
Thank you for the article. I have been in a narasistic relationship for 2 years. It has been a long, hard 2 years with so many terrible stories of disrespect, severe emotional abuse and unhappiness.
I believe I am half way through stage 3.
I am planning for the day I tell him to leave our home and that I want a divorce. This relationship has to end. I’m am falling deeper and deeper into depression. I need to do this for my sake and for the sake of my daughter!
Thank you for this article. After 8 years with my narcissist, I left. About a year and a half went past and I had forgotten about all the bad stuff, so after all that no contact etc, I text him! (I wasn’t aware at the time of narcissists, I hadn’t yet read up). Oh it was all lovely at first, really what I was looking for in a relationship and I was so happy that after a year and half of being without me he’d appreciated what he was missing. Well, that lasted 2 months. As soon as his old behaviours started coming out (namely, him trying to manage down my expectations – not going to happen), that was it, I was out of there. Didn’t even tell him I was ending the relationship, just went no contact. I’d never do that with anyone else, but the shitbag didn’t deserve an explanation. I started researching and this is why I ended up. He is a full blown narc, it’s scary. All the times I’ve spent with him, he was secretly thinking in his head ‘how can I bring this bitch down and keep her there’. Truly scary stuff.
Isn’t this a sociopath?
What is the difference between a sociopath and a narcissist? I keep seeing what I know to be a sociopath (married one) called a narcissist.. confusing… and with way they’re terrible.
SGS both NPD and Antisocial Personality Disorder are both cluster b disorders which means they have some traits in common. The biggest differences I think are that a Narcissist needs people like a drug addict needs their drugs, they derive their sense of self-worth externally from other people, so they constantly need to look for and feed off of the emotions of other’s. A Psychopath doesn’t need people. They don’t care what you think of them. Your hating them doesn’t mean a thing to them. They use people because it amuses them not because they need to. Narcissists have an impaired ability to feel empathy, Psychopaths don’t feel empathy period. Narcissists are massively insecure and fear rejection, Psychopaths aren’t insecure and they don’t care if you leave them. So If your guy is constantly seeking approval, looking for ego strokes and needing people to puff him up he’s a Narcissist. If he’s totally cold, indifferent and just amuses himself by toying with others then he’s likely a Psychopath. They are both misanthropes, they both use and manipulate people it is however for different reasons. It can be difficult to make the distinction but I look at the insecurity factor and whether or not their egos need stroking.
Not sure what to make of this. Yesterday while I was reading this article (how timely!!!) my ex N’s new wife texted me that its been nice not hearing from my big mouth. Then 20 minutes later she texted asking if I saw the flowers my ex gave her on FB. And that he loves her so and takes such good care of her. You’d think she’d be happy about no contact, instead she’s trying to pull me into another fight!!! I’m ignoring her.
I have blocked him Skype, unfriended him on Facebook and diverted his emails to my trash (you can’t block emails on Google). I had blocked his number on my iPhone but today I deleted his number all together which technically means he could contact me but I didn’t even want his number on my phone anymore. Have id one the wrong with the phone?!
There’s so much effort to purge someone from our lives nowadays. Not just them but their digital footprints. I’ve blocked on Skype, Gmail = trash bucket, block on FB, and maybe something else? LOL
In the olden days, people just didn’t come by your house anymore. Or you’d have someone keeping sentry with a shotgun, were this the Old West. That would be fun.
I make them pull the lever and get punished.
My ex husband who was diagnosed with nod did not try to come back or Hoover. At first I was hurt but now I know I was lucky. I did stand up to him and his “everyone” with the real truth about him and I know they don’t give closure and I exposed him. I did that for my healing not caring that he would just use that to make me look more crazy
“K”- we have a two year old daughter together.. And I realize now that she was just an excuse for him to come to the house and for me to give him attention.. He uses her to pull my heart strings..in the past when I didn’t want to talk to him..he would send me pictures of her..saying that he missed us..he misses his family..and I would fall for that..and I would let him see her..he would spend 5-10 mins with her..then he wanted to have sex with me then go back to ignoring me..I know now that he don’t care anything about her and will use her to try to get my attention… But yeah…he is trying to keep tabs on me because since I haven’t talked to him..he probably thinks I have somebody else so yeah..he’s freaking out…
They keep tabs because they want to know if you are still available to them. They don’t like rejection, so they want to check – are you married, did you have a baby, do you have a boyfriend…. they also are hoping you aren’t doing great once they’ve left your life. They are so insecure they have to keep checking to reassure themselves that they made the right decision….
What Savannah said is so true..
My ex narc would text me every 6 to 8 weeks after I told him that I did not want him contacting anymore.. and when he realised that I wasnt going to respond the texts become more frequent as if they go into a panic that we have actually moved on and forgotten them!!
Like Savannah says no contact is the only way to be free of these draining toxic people..
I was no response which doesn’t actually work, even though I wasn’t responding when I received a text from him it set me back ten steps. Blocking them from every avenue is the only way to move forward and concentrate on you..
Update: Well…he came back tonight… I was watching TV and I heard a truck in my driveway.. Then I heard loud banging on my door..I told him through the door if he didn’t leave I was going to call the police…he said something..then he left..I locked my screen door.. 15 mins later.. He came back..popped my lock open and kept banging on my doors..then he left again..10 mins later..he came back again!!!!!!!..he could tell me and my daughter was in the bathroom and was trying to talk to me through the window…he said that he had came by the house all week and that he was ringing my doorbell..I’ve been home all week and he never came here..he was asking me if he could come by when he was sending me messages but I never responded to him..just like tonight.. I let him knock and look like a fool..but I’m not going to be able to keep dealing with him doing this because when he does this..I get pissed and I would let him in the house and all he would do is try to have sex with me and if I gave in..he would ignore me…so I’m going to have to start to call the police.. I didn’t cave in..but this is getting old..he just wants me to give in and go back to those old ways and I’m just not going to do it..
Have you ever heard a case where a somatic boomerang type narc was suddenly enthralled and faithful in some new relationship after claiming to meet the ‘love of his life’?
I know I already know the answer, but I’m curious if you or anyone else has any feedback/experiences. I knew a guy, total user/ manipulator– very likely a narcissistic sociopath given all his glib charm and yet I’m finding it hard to believe how a man who has a library of nude women on his phone could possibly be ‘faithful’ with some divorced chick with 2 infants. (She left her husband for him.)
After his discard, I read a lot about narcs (obviously) and several sites mentioned how they are bad gift givers. Well, I found it telling that he sent a b-day gift to a female friend of his (a harem member–likely an old fuck buddy–he posted this on FB so all could see) which was a shirt from his tattoo parlor (where he got all his lame tattoos). I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but in retrospect I do find it telling how such a gift will inspire conversation back onto him.
“Where did you get that shirt?”
“Oh, my friend Johnny gave this to me. He has the coolest tattoos. He’s so hot, etc.”
Conversation? Back to him and his tattooed muscles. And why do these narcs, even when not contacting us, still search us online/follow our blogs, etc.?
If I was gonna cut someone out I wouldn’t be doing that. But then again, I’m not a narc.
Lola: One possibility is that whomever is doing the diagnosis may not have the right diagnosis. The person could have been emotionally unavailable and not a Narcissist, then something happened and he decided to grow up and change – or the reason for his emotional unavailability no longer exists. another possibility is that they are in the over-evaluation stage and he is currently obsessed with his new target, only to revert back to his old self once she is no longer shiny and new. Another possibility is that some Narcissists are capable of long term relationships. They’re not happy ones though believe me, my ex-narc also left me for a woman with two children and as far as I know they are still together – do I envy her – hell no.
As for the gift – generally they are terrible gift givers but it depends on the situation. For a Narc it’s all about how they are perceived. My Narc was terrible at buying me gifts, but he gave a friend and co-worker $1200 to help him buy a boat. He got off on the fact that he would be viewed as such a generous guy. The general rule of thumb for a Narc is that when they are generous it’s not for the sake of being generous – it’s for how it will make them look and the supply they can glean from that.
They keep tabs because they want to know if you are still available to them. They don’t like rejection, so they want to check – are you married, did you have a baby, do you have a boyfriend…. they also are hoping you aren’t doing great once they’ve left your life. They are so insecure they have to keep checking to reassure themselves that they made the right decision. If you won the lottery a week after they left you – that would make them nearly suicidal.
Thanks for your thorough response.
“If you won the lottery a week after they left you – that would make them nearly suicidal.”
This made me laugh. I wish I could win the lottery if only for that. LOL!
What if the narc never hoovered back in this way?
What if he never tried to suck you back in?
I was never hovered by my ex which made me doubt if he really is a narc…
Or maybe I am really of no use to him anymore…that he no longer views me as a narc supply…
When they leave and don’t come back you are one of the lucky ones.
This came in the nick of time..its been two weeks since I’ve heard from my N…and I’ve never felt better…a couple of weeks ago..he was doing the whole back and forth game with me and I had finally had enough..we have a child and I had asked him for something for her..he ignored me for days..so I blocked him from calling me..he started sending me emails..I sent them to my spam box..I didn’t respond until I saw a message where he said he had came by my house…I snapped on him but haven’t said any else to him because I don’t have nothing to say to him..yesterday I read this about 5 times..and this basically confirms everything..because in the past I fell for every hook he sunk into me but not anymore..like I said..I haven’t seen him in two weeks and I pray to God he stays away from me and my child..thanks for this post Savannah!!!!!!!!
i split up. he chased.did no contact. i got low ,i made contact. he came straight back. played me against another woman. now he disappeared and giving me no contact. i miss him. why? he has done some terrible things to me. part of me wnats him back and part says wake up and move on. im sick
Helen…please remember HE is the sick one. Many of us have had multiple weak moments. But you will get there. I sought help from a therapist as I recognized something is keeping me from going no contact…fear…low self esteem…whatever. He has brainwashed me for years into thinking I will never find anyone else or no one as “good” as him. Seek help. IT is hard to do totally on your own. I read articles here a LOT to keep my strong. Work on loving yourself. He is not worth getting down on yourself!! You can do it! YOu do NOT need him.
I agree with Eileen W, the info about not taking “No” for an answer was critical info for me.
Wow, this is the third most important post for me from this site. The first one was an intro to Narcissism, the second the Harem article and now this.
Even tho Savannah recommends and specifically recommended to me no contact (and so did my therapist), I did not stick to it.
And now I am experiencing everything described in this article. He has really poured it on and I fell for it.
He was even trying to be intimate with me. And I just cant do it. I am so repulsed. He keeps asking me to “cuddle”. I said absolutely not. So then he tried to hug and kiss on me and I pulled away.
So he left for the coast and he will be back in 3 weeks. We agreed to no contact for this time period. However I will have no contact now period.
This article describes everything I have been experiencing to a T. As stated in the article, he keeps telling me I am the love of his life and my internal response is “you can’t possibly love me”. I know this is not love.
Thank you thank you thank you. I am finally there now. True freedom here I come. I have a therapist now as well and she will also be my support. This article has been so invaluable to me.
Sometimes you feel something yourself but can’t quite put your finger on it and then you read something like this that makes it so clear.
I am so thankful to find this site. It has given me so much insight to what I have been trying to understand for so long. I will keep reading, hopefully be able to make my break with a narcissist that has had me “fooled” for over 10 years. I should know better, but this has been a completely different situation to be in than those in the past. I can figure out an alcoholic and a drug addict but this blindsided me completely!
I am 3 years into a Divorce with a man I spent 30 years of my life with but I finally found the strength to leave. He lies and manipulates. My son is in the military and has been brainwashed..doesn’t speak with me because of the lies his Dad tells him about me. My heart is broken because I tried to take the high road and not speak my truth…he is getting married in 3 months and He probably won’ t invite me. His Dad is dragging out the divorce because he doesn’t
Want to give me anything…but my son thinks it’s me dragging things out. I was the best wife and mother I knew how to be. Thinking I should just walk away with nothing but he will still say I took it all anyway. I’m 53 years old and starting over..I need to think my son will eventually see the truth but I’m not sure.Devastating..
Fab article. I really love this…
“If you tell someone no and they continue, that’s incredibly disrespectful and fully indicative of someone whose only interest is in their own needs – not yours.”
Oddly enough, I was thinking about this very same thing when out walking today. Real, genuine friends don’t try and manipulate you into doing something with, or for, them when you tell them that you can’t do whatever it is that they want. I was thinking of narc friends and boyfriends who would say things like “Oh, you can do that another time” or the guilt inducing “Well, you would come with me if you really wanted to” when I told them that I need to go and do something instead of being with them, or “Oh, they’ll understand if you don’t go” when I’ve previously arranged to see someone else or I had an appointment. Genuine people just say something like “That’s okay. Perhaps we can do it another time”, and give you the space to go and see to your own stuff.
Great post. Yes, the repeated attempts to win you over continue–until the N realizes that you are a highly diminished supply and start to seek out other more lucrative supply. That’s when you finally stop hearing from them, but they will still occasionally dial your number in error. Don’t answer. They are temporarily experiencing a lull with their current supply and throwing a hook to see if you’ll take it. I call myself still recovering because I don’t know if I’ll ever fully recover. I do know that I will continue no contact as this is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Needless to say, when I receive a call based on the N dialing a wrong number I simply don’t respond. I know exactly what they are looking for and they won’t get it from me–been down that road.
How do you distinguish between what is written in this article versus two people wanting to re connect and re establish a relationship in a positive and healthy way?
Well, if he abused you, he will certainly do it again. Oh, you can tell yourself that you will prevent it this time, that you are now healthy, but that is the way you wish things were. This is the way things are. Don’t go there. You tried it once and it did not work. Keep working on your own health and strength and look elsewhere. You know what this one is, and you didn’t like it. Leave it and go fish somewhere else. This is spoken to me as well as to you.
Hi Alisha. 🙂 As Free at Last said, it he abused you before then he’ll do it again. In fact, it will be easier for him to abuse you again because if you go back then it tells him that you’re willing to put up with it.
I think what you said about a healthy, positive coming back together is a great clue for a good relationship, Alisha. If the relationship was healthy and positive and you both made a mistake by splitting up, then go for it. But, if he made you miserable and being in love with him really hurt, then you know that the relationship never was and never will be a positive, healthy one.
My therapist observed that I had been hoping and waiting for him to change. She had to drill into my head that things were NEVER going to be different. Oh I might feel a difference for a while; but it would never truly be different. Any change would be temporary and only long enough to suck you back in. This is not imaginary. it is no joke. It is very real and very devastating. You deserve more. I told my therapist I knew I deserve better but I had a fear I would never have anything better. He did a good job of implanting that in my brain and due to me not working on my self esteem I was very ripe for that implantation.
How do you know if a person genuinely wants to re connect in a positive and healthy way versus trying to manipulate you? All re connections start somewhere. Just like all friends where at one point strangers. I am confused.
Omg! God is so good! I got convicted a few days,ago that basically I need to let this man go… all the,way! No contact! I need to put trust in God and not in man. See my ex narcissist was my first ever and I never knew such a thing existed! He accomplished so much with me in such a short period of time. Everything with me to him was a challenge.. He manipulated me so good that I quit my job bc he wanted to take care of me, I moved in bc he wanted me always. Little did I know I was being sent to prison! He changed, he knew he had me. The sweet gestures stopped, he would go MIA for hours at a time eventually days. He always had a great story and in the process I lost myself. I received Fb messages from women who claimed they were with my man. I never said anything to him bc I started planning my escape. I used his very tactics against him. Oh he didn’t like it once he caught on. My family hated him. They say your so lost I see a dark cloud around you every time I see you. I didn’t want that! That’s horrible! I’m a bubbly, extrovert, blue personality! I just became depressed. I finally had a few chances to leave. But I always came back. He never fought for me either. I came back bc of that ugly sickening I can’t live without him, I will always be alone… pain in the stomach! So pathetic! He knew it too….he even said. “I will be here when your ready to come home baby. You ain’t going anywhere!” Ugh!!!! I hated him! I hated myself more! Finally the last straw was Wed night after this past easter Sunday. I was sick with fever and he was nowhere to be found. I was eventually at 102 and I couldn’t focus. I called n called n texted and he ignores me. Saying I’m at a business meeting. Aka drinking with his friends at kona grill. With another female too. He said go to sleep, your being dramatic. Hung up. I cried and wished I fell asleep and never woke up! But before that I pleaded to Christ, please I will walk out this time lord give me strength, heal me! I woke up next morning to my man just getting home at 7 am. But here’s the best part, I woke up 100% healed!!!! I started packing and loading up and my man just was like… “ok so what time you be home? by dinner?” I ignored him and said not one word while packing the whole two hours! Left and never came back. My heart broke and I finally broke down when I really had nowhere to go. I lived on couches and in my car for almost a month. He finally realized I was serious and retaliated! It was horrible! Then after everything just about a month ago. After about a month of silence he decided to play pity card. I believed and said we could be friends. I gave my life to Christ and it gave me a forgiving heart towards him. But I fell hard and was manipulated again! For one night I slept with him. He took it as we,are back together. I was so ashamed. Told him I made a,mistake. He was ok bc he got what he wanted. I since went no contact , plus I heard he found a new victim. So I was like awesome! Someone else’s problem! I will pray for that woman! Then just last night I see he called at 2:45 am and left 3 text messages. He got upset that his calls went straight to VM. Bc I gave him on block. But I can still see he called. And I checked my spam messages sure enough. Hey jenny you up? 🙁 at 2:12am, then at 2:46 am , ” oh yeah, that’s nice..really…. Sorry..night.” Then 3 am.. he said, ” Well if you still need that $$$ call me manana after noonish ok. Hope you’re doing well… ” lmfao!! He knows I’m hurting for cash since I left him. Trying to get back on track. Always using let me give you some money , take care of you. Jerk!!! Ugh. I almost considered responding! Saying no I’m good! But right then I got an email notification for something and then I looked at my other emails and saw this article!!!! Saved by the bell!!!!!! Thank you for sharing! You saved me once again!! Dammm narcissist’s! Lol
I have experienced everything in this article too. Whenever I busted him he would do this weird version of cow towing to me rather than acting like an adult. Then do the pity play. Then when the “coast was clear” he would be right back in business with his extra activities. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I am distant toward him now as I make my plans to leave. He pouts a bit but mostly does not even notice so he is definitely getting his narc supply out there with multiple multiple women. Yuck. Thank goodness for Web sites like these to help me think straight.
I have noticed with my narcissistic boyfriend over the weekend that he never apologized for him being a jerk. He’s just majorally kissing my butt being all sweet and lovey cuz another guy congratulated him on being with a pretty girl like me. I got yelled at for this guy complimenting me and him and he did it with his parents right there. How us this my fault?! I didn’t tell him to do that. It was flattering but he got real possessive and said we mise well just break up right now cuz this is messed up. I said ok and walk away from him but he got to thinking and realized he was over reacting but never said he was sorry. Just said do you love me and can we stop fighting. I don’t think he will ever let me leave. I’m the best he will ever have standing next to his side. I thought maybe his charm will work on some other girl and ur can be her problem but I can’t seem to just say goodbye without a motive or excuse. He munipulates everything and is a major control freak. Isolated me from my friends and family and makes me feel like I’m lost without him. I feel sorry for him and that’s my biggest weakness.
My ex narc tried everything under the sun including everything you just named in this article. What a joke!! I was wise to his ways, I had ended the relationship and went No Contact. Needless to say he freaked out. I knew he wanted to end the relationship on HIS terms, not mine. He then started stalking me and threatening me. But I stayed NC. I slapped him with a Stalking Injunction and he was forced to leave me alone or face jail time. It saved my life and it was the best thing I could have done. He was determined to ruin my life for leaving him. I would recommend it to anyone who is faced with an Ex Narc who won’t leave you alone and who is going to great lengths to get revenge, get you to come back, etc.
hi Savannah, how can you be so sure the Narc will come back even for their own interest?I’m over a year of no contact and never heard from him who he’s stil with new official girlfriend… thank you for your wonderful blog
Ortensia – if your Narcissist has gone and left you alone consider yourself lucky. They don’t all come back, but the possibility is there that they might.
Mine just discarded me for new supply overnight. To my knowledge, still with her, too. Will likely never hear from him again. No spaghetti for me, I guess. Too many carbs.
Lola I’ve had some that wouldn’t go away and my long-term narc I never heard from again. It’s way better when it happens that way.
Wow, great stuff! You have some really wonderful insights!
I have a group meeting where, my ex narcissist, will definitely be attending. He will also have one of the new women he’s dating. How do I deal with it? I have to go to this thing, and I’m not sure what to do…
Oh, yeah. Absolutely so true that I broke out laughing, but it is also dead serious because that is exactly how it works and I can see how it will end if I bite–right back to the way things were. And, yikes. Thanks for the reminder and the warning.
That’s exactly what he does.. he won’t let me go. He doesn’t want to be here, it just looks good on his resume of bull shit I’ve been looking this subject up all weekend and here it is. Thanks
I was married to a Narcissist for 12 years and finally made the break and started divorce proceedings early last year. My husband is playing games with the divorce settlement, but I am removed from him and his antics and have lawyers dealing with the settlement. We have been separated since 2012 so I am well removed emotionally and last year August bumped into my childhood sweetheart from 30 years back.
We clicked immediately and tried to have a long distance relationship, which expedited emotions and feelings, but for the past few months I have felt that he manipulates me, got me to rely on him and realised I have fallen into the trap of yet another Narcissist.
I have now also come to realise that these two men have not been my only two Narcissistic relationships.
What is wrong with me to be attracted to these men?
My ex contacted me on Friday. Almost a year to the day of him leaving me, again, for a another woman and after 9 months of no contact.
He called me private number at work asking if I had called him the day prior (it was his birthday). Of course I hadn’t and though I had remembered it was his birthday I didn’t let him know that. His response was well you have definitely forgotten about me then. He also used some of the tricks Sav has mentioned in this blog, his kids still ask about me, bringing up things we used to do together and even actually saying he has a lot to be sorry for even though he now lives with the woman he left me for.
I love that he keeps reinforcing to me exactly who he is. Thankfully It didn’t ignite any feelings for him. In a sick and twisted way I actually reveled in it a little bit, which is silly as it’s not me he misses its just the supply. That man bought me to the darkest place I have ever been and I have to remember that.
Unfortunately he also told me that he has a job about 10 minutes from where I work. I’m playing with fire, if he contacts me again I will have to hang up immediately I can’t take any chances of getting sucked back in.
I had blocked my ExN’s phone # but not email. It’s been a few months of nc & I ignored a call from an unknown number this week. Then I received an email from him asking if I tried to call him. I replied, no I hadn’t. Then promptly got messages from a few of his harem asking me if I tried calling him b/c he claimed I had. I learned the unknown call was him trying to contact me w/ his new #. Just re-confirmed the importance of nc. His world is chaos & it permeates anyone close to him. I just want to be left alone & not bothered by him or anyone connected to him. I’ve not only had to block him, but his harem as well b/c of the lies he tells others.
Wow, reading these examples of texts is like reading my own phone periodically. I’ve stumbled since June with the no contact rule; connecting with him twice since and listening to more lies. Even though I know he lies, and tell him so during those meetings, I still feel attached. I’m making better efforts, doing more things to move forward in my own life and take care of my own needs. I still can’t believe when I read things like this article how it reinforces all that has gone on as a narcissistic attack. Getting stronger and tremendously thankful for this site and its’ wisdom!
This is so true, I’m going through this now, he is relentless! I went 100% NC last year for 8 months, then let him back in this year, sure he was ok to begin with then the mask slipped a couple of times, then it slipped again and I hated the feelings I had when this happened. He is e-mailing me now saying ‘I miss my babe’ Stupid me replied…so thank you for this reminder, came just at the right time 🙂
I have gone absolute no contact with my ex narcissistic, cutting out their supply after abuse via Facebook private messages and in public. I haven’t responded to them.
There are now vile allegations being bandied around and people dear to me are involved. I am now seeking legal advice. And I wish that I had never met this horrible excuse for a human being.
Another fantastic post Savannah and again related to my situation.
I’m no contact all the way now and feel stronger than ever.
Unfortunately I did get sucked back in and my defences were weakened but it just proved to me that these people never change and all they care about is themselves.
Well it’s time to bring the focus back to me now, my happiness comes first..
I choose me!!
My brother is a huge narcissist. It took my family and I a long time to figure out that’s what the deal was with him. AS my mother says, he’s very good at convincing you he’s right about someone or a situation. My problem is that although I have given up on having a relationship with him at all, my Dad has not. He is always invited to family gatherings in hopes that he will “come around”. It’s difficult for my Dad to believe that his son is a narcissist.
My brother stopped talking to me 10 years ago. Then suddenly, at a family gathering, he started to acknowledge me, giving me a big hug. If I tried to talk to him he would belittle me or glare, though. Then I’d get another big hug when he left. I was confused, hurt, angry. Dad couldn’t figure it out (why I was so upset, why my brother was being mean). Dad is a little out of touch. Finally I read some books about narcissistic personality and realized that THIS is the problem with my brother! My mom finally agreed with me that this is exactly his personality. That’s not a diagnosis, but getting an NP to see he IS and NP is tantamount to admitting there is a problem with him, which ain’t gonna happen.
He eventually did get counseling. He asked my mom to join him in a session. The counselor, instead of facilitating the discussion took part in saying that every problem of my brother’s was my mom’s fault. She is a social worker, very familiar with family counseling. She realized that the counselor had been charmed and might have even been having an affair with my brother! This is speculation, but it seems clear that their relationship is a little beyond professional.
I still have to see my brother sometimes, at family gatherings, but I ignore him completely. He likes to glare at me from across the room while draping himself over his latest girlfriend. Usually they glare at me too, thinking I am this awful person. I always want to hand them a card and say, “When you’re ready to get help, go to this website”.