Tina was really mad at herself. She let Mark sweet talk his way back into her heart and now he was gone again, two short weeks later. She felt like such a fool. “Never again,” she said to herself. “I am so done.”
She’d gone no contact for a week now and felt really good about her decision. But as she entered her second week she couldn’t help but notice that he wasn’t making any effort to contact her either. That old familiar feeling was creeping back up on her, working its way through her resolve. It started as some type of anxiety in her gut, maybe it was fear, then it travelled upwards to her heart and the ache started again. Then it made its way to her head and she started to have uncontrollable, irrational thoughts about what he was doing and who he was doing it with.
She logged onto Facebook and went to his profile to see what he was up to, then remembered that she had unfriended him. She looked at his public profile and could see that he had posted some new pics of himself, “Who are these women that are making comments and flirting with him?” she said to herself. She noticed he had added 7 new women friends in the past week and her heart sank.
Tina spent the next week hurting and thinking about Mark constantly. She wanted him to contact her again, but she was terrified that he wouldn’t. She thought about reasons she could use to contact him, but she couldn’t come up with any that would allow her to save face, so she gave up the idea. She contemplated sending a text and pretending she meant to send it someone else. ‘No he’d see right through that,’ she reasoned.
Another week goes by and her resolve is completely gone. Now she’s in full panic mode. The thoughts are constant, so is the heartache. He’s got to come back. That thought occupied her every waking moment. She had even tried to contact him telepathically. She’s obsessed checking her phone every minute, just in case she’s missed something. She’s on social media and scanning her email looking for any signs of contact. Nothing. Something’s got to give. She can’t go on this way…. she’s not eating, she’s not sleeping. She stays indoors, just in case.
Suddenly her phone goes off it’s a text message. She leaps for her phone. It’s him. Thank God it’s him. “Hey. How’s it going?”
She isn’t concerned that he’s been gone for weeks. She’s not concerned with what made her want to end it this time and the 7 other times before. All she cares about is that he’s back.
This is a common theme among boomerang relationships. They defy common sense. They are not logical and you usually find people behaving in ways they never would under normal circumstances, such as:
- Putting up with their partner being involved with other women or men
- Putting up with being ignored
- Putting up with never being able to rely on them
- Putting up with long periods of unexplained absences
- Putting up will being lied to and deceived – even though you know you’re being lied to and deceived
- Putting up with them putting in little to no effort
- Putting up with looking weak, like a fool, doormat or like you have no self-respect
- Putting up with the feelings and behaviors that show that we aren’t special to that person – missing our birthday, standing us up, ditching us on holidays
- Putting up with paying for everything and put in all the effort
- Putting up with being allocated to the friend position
The million dollar question is why?
The answer is – they’re addicted to the high. They want the peak in the relationship cycle – they will accept all the crashing and all the sorrow and all self-hate that comes along with it, just as long as they keep getting a taste of those intense high feelings.
The high is that moment where the object of their obsession is giving them their undivided attention, which usually involves sex. Where they can perpetuate the fantasy that the relationship is something different than what it is, where for a brief moment they feel loved, cherished and special.
The reasons for this are complex and can be any number of the following:
- Feeling starved for love and attention
- An addiction to the high intensity feelings
- They are used to poor treatment
- They live in fantasy world
- They’ve claimed some type of ownership on the individual and can justify sleeping with them even though we know they are involved with someone else
- Low self-esteem
An addiction is any activity that we cannot control or stop. Under that definition, our behavior could certainly be described as an addiction. But what is the addiction to?
It makes sense to say that it’s the person we’re addicted to. After all they’re usually our’ type,’ they’re fun and charming. We love being physical with them. We know everything about them. So it must be them, right?
A wave of relief washed over Tina as she text Mark back, “I’m good. How are you?” She asked, completely glossing over the hell she had just been through. They made arrangements to meet that weekend. Tina would have to drive the 80 miles to his hometown and she’d have to spring for the hotel room because Mark didn’t have the money.
She was excited as the days ticked down. Finally the day arrived and she was on her way to see him. Once she got there she noticed Mark was acting kind of aloof. He didn’t seem all that thrilled to see her. They made small talk and ate the take-out Tina brought. Later that night they had sex. It seemed different this time. Almost as if Mark wasn’t really into it. There was no kissing, just the act, then he rolled over and went to sleep. Tina lied there staring at the ceiling. They had gotten together and had sex so often it was hard to keep track of how many times. Why was she feeling so … cheated this time? She was angry and realized this wasn’t what she wanted.
She realized that If Mark would have paid attention to her like he usually did, if he would have been present and seemed interested in being physical with her and if he had held her and made her feel the love she craved afterward she may have continued in this boomerang relationship indefinitely.
This client of mine came to understand that she was not addicted to the man she’d been obsessing over, it was the intensity of feeling that he could take her to that she was addicted to. Once he stopped taking her to that emotional peak, she was no longer interested in having anything to do with him. It took a while for all of the feelings to ebb away, but when she came to that realization the spell was broken and she was free.
Image courtesy of tiverlucky at freedigitalphotos.net
I think the way I finally broke my addiction was by doing all the fun things we did together, but by myself. With him I really got into shooting, was already into it before, but I bought a rifle. I also got into hunting, got my hunting l license and started doing archery. I actually bought by bow and arrow right when we broke up.
As soon as we broke up, every weekend I went camping and hiking, by myself with my dog, sometimes with my daughter, other times with a friend, but I was gone every weekend. I sought out places to go practice archery and made many new friends.
He always was so proud of himself for being fun, and I always believed it, but the truth is that he was a truck driver and he was gone a lot. When he was gone I couldn’t really do anything, not even going out for drinks with my friends without him checking on me and accusing me of cheating, and when he was in town he would be lazy a lot. Many weekends we just lounged around and watched old, stupid movies or did things that centered around him and his needs. Towards the end, when I told him I wanted to do fun things, he tried, but overall in the 13 months I was with him, we didn’t do a whole lot.
I was and still am on a dating site but only looking for friends and made it clear that I’m looking for people who have the same hobbies as me. In 4 months I acquired 5 male friends, these are healthy minded, normal men who I can go shooting or hunting with and they understand what I’m looking for.
While I’m busy having fun, and enjoying life and my friends (all of whom are drama free, positive people) I think back what I’d be doing if I was with him. I’d be a prisoner stuck at home not allowed to go anywhere where there’s no cell reception (so hiking and camping is out) and I would be limited to a 1-2 friends. and always do what he wanted to do.
Such a huge contrast. I love my life and would never give up what I have for a hot body and pretty face (because that’s all the great things he can offer).
This is why when he tried to come back 3 weeks ago, it wasn’t hard to reject him, and since then, my life hasn’t turned upside down. I’m sure he’ll try again, but I’ll be even stronger.
I don’t get it. I been with a Narcissist and I thought I made mistakes with him by coming back. Thing is, I didn’t allow him to get to me. I never let him move in and I really kept my guard up. I was stupid for allowing him back in my life. But I didn’t get too involved. But I seen his ex gf go on with him. He lived with her but not contributing with bills. Then, since he had poor credit, he got back with her and bought a house together. With her credit and his money. (The one only time he gave money) But when he lived with her he never so much gave her a dime. And he had plenty of money to help. Though he had a spending problem. He realize there was no future that way with me so he went above and beyond to hook her in by multiple vacations and doting on her. It worked! Now she’s stuck. I don’t know why some women put up with so much unhappiness to just have someone in their life. She’s witness his wrath before and apparently hasn’t learn from it. I will never understand. What happened to men today? Most now seem to rely on women to pay the bills, work, and take care of the family. You’d think they’d have more pride in themselves. I work myself to where I am. I’m not going to have some loser just sit back and reap the rewards sitting on their ass and ruin what you build so hard to get.
After 25 years of a yo-yo relationship with him, I finally had the courage to let him go. No contact. Hardest, but BEST thing I ever did for myself. Wasted 1/2 my life on loving, supporting and sadly, enabling his lies, deceit, charm, infidelity, depression, narcissism, socipoathic tendencies – well you get the idea – and sadly being addicted to it all myself. Breaking myself away from the chaos has been the absolute hardest thing I ever have done. Baby steps in recovery for me, but I am doing it. Thank you for this article. I wish I had seen it YEARS ago!
Hang in there. Recovery takes a long time. I myself fell for the BS A second time. D went back to her sick ass. She treated me like a king for 3 months, then she cut off all contact. Apparently it was “payback” for throwing her nasty ass out of my house the first time. They are very very SICK, calculating people that hate themselves with a passion. Pay around sleeping all day. Just no clue how to actually learn to enjoy and savor life. You’ll come out okay.
I knew it was over when I awakened and realised it was all about his wants an needs and mine were pushed aside. I started to mirror his behaviour back to him not to get back at him but because I was worn out. He left soon after that when he realised supply was non existent. The cruelty at the end was amazing and very eye opening. This led me to have a lot of cognitive dissonance and it took along time to get over him. I am completely no contact and have received texts from him asking to meet up but I ignore them in the same way he ignored me for ten years. I have come to realise that I am co dependent but am learning to cope with that. I no longer play stupid relationship tug of wars. I love myself now and have gained self respect. Never again will I fall for the love bombing again from any man. I’m out for me now
In the reasons why someone keeps up with this there is another one as well that I feel is important to mention, one that might come with the other reasons or not.
This is specially true for those who come from a religious background.
The understanding and forgiveness factor:Giving the one you love another chance. Forgiving and letting go. Because nobody is perfect and you should show your love and compassion to others. While this is a great trait to have, what they failed to teach us is that there are some people that do fall in the category of Swine, that is why the saying “do not cast your pearls to the swine” exists. This is not mean, this is not selfish. this is simply the truth, facts and these are counting on this good trait of yours to continue the abuse and the cycles in your life.
What would Jesus do? I bet he would say “yee generation of vipers, you are of your father the devil” 😛
Seriously, There is a limit to understanding and forgiving and letting someone destroy you.
Addiction is the right word here, oh how I related to this post. My ex was like a drug to me, I was addicted, I would have done anything for a fix, knowing I would feel dreadful afterwards for being so weak, knowing that I was being remorselessly used. These articles are so spot on that reading them makes me realize just how much time I wasted on toxic relationships, I wish I had been able to tap into information such as this years ago. I guess though it is never too late to change your understanding and acceptance of certain situations.
Savannah, your articles, in particular this one is a godsend! It has saved my sanity and my life. You have one idea. I thank God for you and your wisdom that you share.
I have read this article so many times because I wish I had found it 2 years ago, or even last year. I wish I’d known sooner. I came so close, looking for gaslighting and did not dig far and deep enough because it did not occur to me such a person and situation existed.
Still, it’s never too late. Just happy to have found it after all. Thank you, again.
I have been in a “relationship” with someone for almost 4 years, who I truly believe has many traits associated with narcissistic behavior. He suffers from extreme depression. He can be in a good mood one minute then down and not talking for days. He is in a band which is how he gets most of his attention. And he is a twin which gets him even more attention. He has done the usual things, ignoring birthdays and being in terrible moods around the holidays. I have spent many holidays alone. He sometimes won’t speak to my family because of one of his moods. He knows not speaking to me hurts me and continues to do it. He has never been violent towards me but, I have witnessed him have several temper tantrums. He refuses to be in a committed relationship with me and we go days with no communication. My self-esteem has bottomed out and so many days I can’t think straight. I have trouble sleeping and severe anxiety. I never know what is going to happen next. Always on edge. I want to end this and walk away but I am struggling with how to do it. People say just do it but that is definitely much more easier than done.
After being in this crazy making relationship for five years. I finally realized how much of myself I had lost and how much he sucked the life out of me. I got tired of being the door mat. I told him I needed to work on myself and wish him luck in finding someone that could make him happy. I broke up in a text because I didnt want to talk to him in fear of his manipulation its been about ten days now and I feel like this black cloud has lifted. I have finally forgiving myself for letting this man do all these god awful things to me. I cried after the breakup but not for him. I was humiliated, angry at myself for letting him do this to me. Questioning myself why did I do this. He is not worth it. I finally woke up and realize I deserve better. The only feelings I have for him is sorrow. That this man can never feel real love. He will always be a empty sole, with no heart for anything but him self. My regret is when I first met him my gut told me stop dont get involved. But I just wanted someone to love me so badly after my horrible marriage of 25 years. The good that has come out of this is that I know the signs and if you ever are in a man’s bedroom and the only picture you see is of himself. Run for you life before they suck it out of you, I have my self-esteem, my happiness, my confidence and I know I can recover from this horrible part of my life. I think the best reward of all is I dont care anymore for him only sorrow. I feel sorry for the next person that gets involved with him.Also I will not give him the satisfaction of getting a reaction from me because I know that is what he wants.
I discovered this site a little over one year ago at a time when I was searching for answers to a situation that I could not wrap my head around no matter what I did. A “relationship” that I was involved in for about a year and a half. The problem with trying to explain your situation to others is that it is so mind boggling and confusing to the victim that you appear to be a pathetic mess to whomever you are confiding in. Over time I became very ashamed of the whole thing and the fact that he had such an effect on my emotions. The term Heartbreak almost doesn’t explain the pain of being in such a toxic situation. It is more like soulbreak. MIND F**K. This site has been soo unbelivebly helpful to me even though my denial was so strong for so long. I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I first started reading these articles, not wanting to believe it was true, but deep inside my heart I knew that it was. I was finally able to walk away for good and Im not sure I could have done it had it not been for the huge amount of knowledge and information I gained from these articles. I find myself wanting to tell everyone about it! Although I do selectivley as to not seem like a crazy person, since many people have not experienced a full on narc relationship. I still have some feelings of guilt and sadness about it but it has lessend over time. As I have been unraveling a lifetime of unhealthy relationships and emotional instability I have learned an immense and invaluable life lesson, finally. Thank you for these amazing posts 🙂
Billi I feel the exact same way you do. I’m sure time will heal this it’s just a matter of getting out and getting on with our real lives. The high I experienced is similar to what people describe as a heroine high. I am withdrawling like an addict and it hurts like hell but I know deep in my soul that leaving is the right thing to do. Good luck
It is so unbelievably helpful to read these articles. Thank you so much for helping me understand that I am in the middle of this nightmare that so many other women are going through. I feel a sense of relief and hope for making it out of this alive.
Words can’t even describe how reading these posts, searching websites …trying to convince myself there is enough reason to leave my relationship with a narcissist. I am so alone and no one has a clue what I live. Sadly it’s nothing what I read on these posts but sadly all the same the manipulation and make crazy everyday moments. I don’t know where to begin. I used to be so strong and maybe I still am but just scared.
I am SO cross with myself.No contact for two months and then I felt compelled two days ago to email him to acknowledge that I had also made a couple of mistakes during our relationship. I said it didn’t change how he behaved but that I wanted to acknowledge my own errors.
Really I think it was just a reason to keep dialogue going! Now I’m predictably waiting for a response which may or may not come and if it does will be nonsense anyway.
It’s been about 6 weeks of NC and honestly these blogs are what’s getting me through it. It’s like my AA, everytime I feel the urge to ‘relapse’ and call/text him, or I start getting sad and only thinking about the good times I come on here and remind myself why I’m doing this. The ‘fantasy relationship’ was in my head and I need that reAlity check of what was really going on. Thank you so much for continuing to write these.
I thought I was in love. The last time I was ‘in love’ ever was with my ex and that relationship made feel the exact same way. Physically, personality wise these two guys are nothing a like but I felt the same high/rush with both of them. Genuinely cared very much for both but was always fighting for their affection. I don’t believe the first was a Narc though, just a jerk. The most recent is very much a narc however. Now it makes me wonder have I really actually ever been in love? Or was it just these addictions and trauma bonds? It’s heavy stuff and pretty scary. How’s even possible to give a ‘normal’ guy a chance when this is obviously what you’re attracted to? There’s a really great sweet guy that’s crazy about me and thought of dating him turns my stomach! These blogs are a tremendous help and eye opener, but I’m realising I think it’s time I find myself a good therApist .otherwise I’m going to be stuck like this forever. You can recognize the issues with the men you choose and the issues within yourself that allow you to be treated this way. But how do you change that so you seek healthy relationships? How can you just change this person you have been your whole life!
You made me laugh: “I don’t believe the first was a Narc though, just a jerk.”
Yeah, I’ve known many a jerks. The mere jerks are always easy to expel, as they lack the means to manipulate. The narcs, however, are jerks cubed. Would that narcs could only ever be jerks and never charming and nice, none of us would ever fall for them.
Great post. Agreed, an addiction it is, without a doubt. What was my high, gotta think about that one
Wow! Thank you! This piece was a mirror.
“The problem with Narcs and other undesirables is that they are manipulative so they usually give some form of the high to keep their target dependent.”
I put this on a sticky and hung it on my bathroom mirror. I need to shift my perspective to: it’s an addiction.
Thank you for this.
You list the reasons for the addiction as such:
The reasons for this are complex and can be any number of the following:
Feeling starved for love and attention
An addiction to the high intensity feelings
They are used to poor treatment
They live in fantasy world
They’ve claimed some type of ownership on the individual and can justify sleeping with them even though we know they are involved with someone else
For each of these possible reasons, you are putting the blame on the victim! That’s just not true – although we may have one or more of these reasons, it is the psychopaths that by manipulating and lying and playing their games that cause this. They are like vampires – they create the addiction and cognitive dissonance. we are not to blame. I may have ENDED UP with a few of these traits, but not I did have them prior to meeting my psychopath. I am simply a highly empathetic and compassionate person.
Gail with all due respect I’ve written 150+ posts on how Narcissists manipulate and entrap their targets. I’ve written about the tools they use and the games they play. I think stating a Narcissist is manipulative is beyond obvious. I was writing from the perspective of the individual looking at internal reasons not external reasons and I would argue your last point.
Yes that’s right the love bombing is all part of the game Lola to reel us in and fall for them completely. They study us, find out our weaknesses and the manipulation starts and like you said why wouldn’t we believe them?
It is quite chilling how their mind works isn’t it. I’ve always thought they need us more than we need them.. They need attention all the time, that’s why they have harems as it’s a safety net for them- constant supply..
They are just attractive actors that lack substance.
Yes your right about No Contact, never have I had to block an ex until now.. They respected my wishes to end the relationship and we parted on good terms. It says it all really doesn’t it.. having to actually block someone.
This is so me I can’t believe the similar story it’s the addiction of whet they do once they stop doing that your addiction to them has gone I still have not found out why I have this addiction to that addiction if that makes sense any feedback on this question would be most appreciated where does the addiction come from xx
Jude see my two blogs on trauma bonds for your answer.
“…but when she came to that realization the spell was broken and she was free.”
Honestly, I am not certain it’s that simple or easy. Especially when looking at all of the complex reasons listed for why people put up with certain behavior in a relationship. You are not free until you do the follow-up work. It takes time to become free.
Blessed – she was free of the hold he had on her – not free of all of her issues. Think of it this way. If a drug addict was taking a particular substance and getting the high they were after and then they kept using the same substance and not getting any high from it they would stop using that particular one immediately. The problem with Narcs and other undesirables is that they are manipulative so they usually give some form of the high to keep their target dependent.
A very much on target article. I could relate to each of the emotional feelings as I read. Seven months “no contact” for me! Amen!
Your absolutely right Lola, normal healthy people decide that it’s not working and go their separate ways but with these Narcs they keep us dangling, blowing hot and cold and we are there as a rainy day option.
No wonder by the end of the relationship we have low self esteem and feel worthless.
They really are unhealthy people with very fragile egos.
It’s amazing how much we put up with and I can’t believe I let the boomerang Narc treat me the way he did.
I wonder if they will ever look back and feel guilty for the way they treated us? Maybe when they have run out of supply and are faced with their true selves?
Yup, they definitely get our expectations up in the beginning where we become dependent on their intense level of attention. The non-narc guys never did this. They would show a normal level of interest and the ending of those relationships were never like with a narc. You just sort of knew it wasn’t working out. The whole ‘going no contact’ wasn’t really needed b/c there would be a mutual understanding and feeling.
In my case with the somatic, he gave signs that I didn’t think to examine. (I knew nothing about narcs then, as I figured why would he be expressing such interest if he wasn’t sincere–the thought of doing it just to do it sounded absurd to me.)
He would say things like, ‘I just love the attention you give me’ and ‘You do wonders for my ego.’ Wow. Can someone be more obvious? Yet I still didn’t see it coming.
He only wanted me to want him–was all about the chase. It took some time for him to ‘win me over’ so to speak (since I really wasn’t into him at 1st) but once he did, he was done. Instant discard. This is simply unhealthy, emotionally immature and frankly, manipulative behavior.
I read an article by a therapist who said the manipulation begins with the lovebombing. How true this is! It sets you up for expectations that never get delivered and you’re forced to feed off crumbs and we live on our hopes he’ll return to the way he was in the beginning.
Shows how hope can be very damaging, if we let it be. It’s ok to lose hope for someone who is hopeless!
It seems I have only had these addictive feelings twice and they were both narcs. For non-narcs I always knew where we stood so I was able to step away and it didn’t hurt that much, which of course, makes one think there is a lack of ‘passion’.
I put up with all this crap with regards to my narc friend, who loved the fact that I pined after him and showered him with attention. (He would deny it of course.) Inside, I knew he was lying to me over and over, but he’d throw me crumbs and pretty words, telling me I’m so wonderful and how much he cares for me yet he couldn’t trust me and would concoct reasons for why. (Even though he was the compulsive liar.)
The other guy was a somatic boomerang who lovebombed me and then went instant discard after the typical amount of time–6 months.
Healthy, emotionally mature people don’t do this. They don’t proclaim you’re so wonderful and perfect and how you’re everything they’ve always wanted only to then lose interest overnight. That’s one of the biggest signs of a narc b/c a healthy person would not seek to lead you on as that. They’re basically setting you up for those addictive highs in the beginning, only to take them away.
Just be honest and say you don’t want someone–don’t keep someone hanging. It’s not fair.
Paying attention to the actions is what matters. The words can come and go but how he acts not just with you but when you’re away. All of that counts. FB has made it all the worse b/c now you can see the flirting right before you–people are no longer people but ‘profiles’. It’s very alienating and sad.
Thank you so much for this blog. Following your posts has been an enormous support for me. I got out of my only 4 months long relationship with my N 3 months ago – and Things are getting better, I am starting to focus on my own life again. But I still catch myself obsessing over my phone once in a while.. We still have contact, and I would love to hear your advice on this one..
Where I live, I am an upcoming actress/singer . My career is going the right way, and I met this man who is in the music industry as well – he is well known in my country. He was very mean to me, cheated and lied, but luckily the relationship never got public known. That would have been embarassing. Now, the thing is -we talk as “friends” once in a while (and yes, we’ve had some sex too.. im getting better at saying no..), and he has offered to help me with some shows that would be of pretty good value to my career. This is a hard one! I think if I could “use it right”, it would be career booster (because he has “a name”) – but I DONT want my heart to suffer that much Again. Luckily he’ll be out of the country for 4 months soon, so I have time to heal. But Im not sure what to do.. can you please give me a piece of advice? Love and gratitude /I
My advice would be, though you may not like it, is that your self – esteem and your self – respect shouldn’t be for sale – not for any price.
@Isabella: I had a narc who liked to tell me all about the famous people he knew and said he would introduce them to me, etc., etc. But it was all talk. I never met any of them. Yours might actually have such connections as he claims, but trust me — he’s never going to use them for your benefit. It’s always all about him.
Your blogs always seem to come at the right time Savannah and you have just explained my relationship with my ex boomerang narc..
It’s been 10 wks no contact and I’m starting to feel jittery that he hasn’t made contact.
Even though I’m better off without him and I know what a horrible person he is I still think to myself why isn’t he contacting me? What’s wrong with me?.. And I can’t believe I’m thinking like this as it’s crazy..
Some days I feel great but I’ve noticed recently the anxiety is starting to set in.
In one way I’m glad he hasnt made contact as maybe this time he respects my wishes to be left alone but on the other hand you can’t help thinking why aren’t they texting?
My therapist helped me discover what I was addicted to: It was a Post Traumatic Stress reaction from an experience I had with my father when I was little: He returned to see me one time when I was three years old, and I believed for a moment that “everything will be all right now. He will not leave me again.” He did and I never saw him again. However years later with my narcissistic husband, after every single episode of verbal abuse and distancing and then the make-up sex I felt the exact same feeling and belief: “Everything will be all right now. He will not leave me again.” But, of course, he did “leave me” emotionally again after a day or two and came back. Over and over and over again. Every 4 days for 22 years. That comes to 2000 times. Finally I became fed up and broke away and stayed away and have dealt with my PTS from my childhood–and I am free. And I finally know that NO CONTACT makes it all so much easier for me.
It has been a year since I went NC. I still suffer from the addiction I had to the highs and intensity of the relationship. I will always catch myself and try to be mindful of my thoughts. I remind myself that “No! You do not miss him, you miss the drama!” I have come so far and I am proud of that but even after a year, I still have so far to go.
This post like so many have hit home for me. It has been six months since our last contact and my life is making a turn for the better. I have recently been asking myself if I should talk to him again. Let him know how our son is doing, etc. but then I read this post and I realize that just like any addiction, I need to stay away. I caught myself flattered that he went out of his way to try to meet me at an event that I was attended. I left the event early and did not see him. I am wondering if I would have left had I found out he was on his way. That happened two days before I read this blog post. I am so glad that I was not there. I didn’t want to start up the boomerang relationship (5 times in 30 years) again. I pay an attorney to handle any correspondence that needs to be made and it is worth it, no matter what I have to sacrifice to have the money. My regrets though now are the fact that I have no clue how to have a normal relationship without all the intensity and drama.
I enjoyed this blog. Especially since my boomerang N is named Mark too. THREE times I broke up with him over the course of the past year. I went as long as 6 months without speaking to him, which is pretty difficult since we work together. I was completely done with him, but he kept hoovering or testing the waters with texts or IM’s at work. I had a couple weak moments (post breaking things off with someone I was casually dating at the time). I felt like a failure or something and when he reached out, instead of ignoring him like I had been, I responded. Which of course, is all it takes for things to escalate right back to where they were prior to the break up. My N is married, so he has a back-up supply whenever he wants. Although she knew about me, she thought they were working on their marriage and had completely reconciled. I knew it was only going to be temporary because he’d start doing what he always had and that was to control, ignore, use, promise me a future if I would only ‘wait for him’, then he would spoil me followed by days of the silent treatment.
I could feel myself quickly getting over the high of addiction with him this time and knew for ME it was all about the sex. I didn’t like his personality or what he was doing and had been doing to his family, not to mention what I was allowing him to do to ME. I was angry at myself for falling for it once again.
I met a really nice man who I confided in about my N. He told me he knew he was lying about pretty much everything. I didn’t believe him…my N lie to ME? NO way! Well, he was .. about everything! My friend could see his FB account.. my N had me blocked so I couldn’t even find him. He told him there were TONS of pictures on there from the entire last year of them going on trips, going to parties and wineries. All the while, my N kept trying to get me back. I broke things off with him and then decided I HAD to burn my bridges! I texted his wife – she was surprisingly NOT rude to me and she and I began comparing notes. She and I both felt bad for the other to be involved with such a slimy filth ball. He lied to both of us very consistently. I am completely done with him now.. FOREVER and EVER. I feel like an idiot, but it’s only because Mark was probably one of THE BEST N’s ever.
I believe he is working things out with his wife now..so good for them! She’s stupid for taking him back after everything I told her, but she’s been with him for 35 years and used to it. Think of how difficult it would be for HER to let that addiction go!? I’m just glad that my friend convinced me that Mark was lying – I mean in my gut I sort of knew, but was blindly hopeful that he would leave and we’d somehow be together — even though in my heart I knew it was a giant mistake.
I dodged a huge bullet with this one.. unfortunately I wasted almost 3 years of my life figuring it out.
I recognise that; introducing myself back where I clearly wasn’t wanted or appreciated. Persuaded myself he was a soul-mate when actually I was his doormat. Latterly, had enough self respect not to agree to random sex but did do so in previous boomerang episodes (and in other former “relationships”).
Hey presto – cue the new woman! Meeting her was a really positive eye opener. Sitting in my chair at his place, attempting the crossword I used to do and eagerly doing the menial work in his yard. She has it all to come and I will not trouble her life again. It explained the recent silence, and some lies and, at last, has made me really angry about him. Great motivator to move on and start to clean up my act.
Other friends who might not seem so exciting are genuine and sincere. Spent a great weekend with three of them.
What’s done is done. Have started reading some of the books you recommend, joined some new groups and am planning a big project for 2016.
Beginning to feel the respect for myself that I ought always to have had.
After my divorce with my narcissist husband I reunited with a school boy friend at our 30th matric reunion. We dated and had such great fun for three weeks – him telling me how much he still loves me and he spoiled me to bits. After the three weeks the silent treatment began… When I asked him why is he so quiet then he uses his family/friends as an excuse. He promised me that when he is on leave that he will have more time for me, but the silent treatment continued. I found out that he is now in a relationship with a woman I know and love so dearly but they are not aware that I know about them being together. I believe she is in cloud 9 because he treats her so “special” taking her on trips and buying clothes, groceries, etc.
I thank God for your website/advice and information you are forwarding to me cause I went into the relations with both eyes open and when the silent treatment began it did not effect me much and I can still smile with him. I am now just concern about my friend cause she is vulnerable and I am afraid it is going to affect her badly after the fantacy ends as she has two sons that apparently adores him. Do you think I should talk to her and tell her that she must be careful? And do you think that he is stunt by my reaction since I still talk to him and do not ask any questions anymore. Do you think he will try his luck again with me or is his fantacy now over with me?