I’ve always had a contentious relationship with my mother.  I grew up knowing that I wasn’t wanted. The theme of my childhood was – You’re not good enough. You’re flawed. There’s something wrong with you. You’re not valued. You’re not worthy of love…

My mother was raised by a Narcissistic father and a Codependent mother. She modeled the worst behaviors of both and took them out on her easiest target – me.  She was unreachable and not emotionally present as a parent, and I interpreted her distance as rejection. Her sharp, unrelenting, criticism destroyed my self-esteem and affected me in myriad ways.

“What other people think of you is none of your business.” – Wayne Dyer

“I don’t care what you think.” To a pleaser that statement seems like a pipe dream. Individuals who grew up with emotional manipulators for parents have been conditioned to doubt their reality and not to put too much weight in their own wants and needs. This experience, paired with their low self-esteem means that they lack confidence and are reliant on others for emotional validation.

When you are in a place of needing someone to the point of obsession you are on very dangerous ground. Not only have you surrendered your power, you have also traded your inner peace for chaos.

Being all-in in a relationship doesn’t mean surrendering your identity and allowing yourself to become lost in it. It means that you are committed to the relationship and your partner, while still maintaining your autonomy, interests, hobbies and other meaningful relationships.

One of the tell-tale signs of low self-esteem is how one reacts to rejection. Do you pick up and move on quickly? Do you beg and plead and try to change their mind? The way you behave depends upon where you lie within a spectrum of three different types, the Move-Oners, the Validation-Seekers, or the Revengers.

By spending holiday’s together, taking family trips, and outwardly expressing love and respect, celebrity co-parenting really looks awesome. Unfortunately, it’s not the reality for most divorced couples and it’s an impossibility for those who share children with a Narcissist.

Is it the chicken or the egg? Do you love yourself first and then act like it, or do you act like it and then self-love follows? Or can you be in both spaces at the same time?

Healing isn’t for the faint of heart.  It’s hard work. In fact, it’s up there, amongst the hardest work you will ever do in your life.  Most people have spent their lifetimes hiding from their childhood trauma.   Dredging it up from the recesses of your memory and reliving it, are not really on most people’s to do list.