
Back in the early days of my journey, every day was painful to get through. I was in a constant state of heartache. Depression had become my best friend and I’d never before known fear that could completely cripple you like that which I was experiencing.
I used to be an “If only,” person. I’d be happy, if only I was thinner. I’d be happy, if only I made more money. I’d be happy, if only my mother wasn’t so critical.
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne Dyer
I always looked for things outside of myself. I always looked to others for permission and to show me my value. I also never understood or owned my own power. It wasn’t until I realized that I had it backwards that my life started to change.
It is ingrained in Codependents that our well-being is dependent upon our ability to please. We’ve been programmed to be keenly aware of the interests of those closest to us, even if it comes at the expense of our own well-being. We’ve learned how to pick up on cues from those around us that tell us we’re good, or that we have to try harder. We were taught that the reflection of ourselves in someone else’s eyes was somehow more important than our own view of ourselves, so if someone else was happy with us, only then did we have value.
It’s very hard to shake this mentality especially when it has been played out again and again and again. The key is that we have to learn to start looking inward. We have to teach ourselves the right way to perceive our environment by putting our own needs first. We have to learn that our opinions about ourselves matter. They not only matter, they are the only opinion that actually does.
“What other people think of me is none of my business. One of the highest places you can get to is being independent of the good opinions of other people. ” – Wayne Dyer
It’s important to be aware of small changes we can make that will make a huge difference to the way we perceive others, ourselves and the way we interact with our environment. I’ve listed a few to keep in mind:
Trade in your need to please for the pass it back technique: Rather than internalizing the behavior and beliefs of other people I started to see myself independent of that person’s judgement of me. I stopped getting hurt by what they said or did and started looking at them. I learned that healthy people don’t go around acting out inappropriately and they certainly don’t get off on hurting people. So I learned that when I see outrageous behavior in others, especially when it’s directed at me, it actually has nothing to do with me and I don’t let it affect me. Instead I pass it back to them where it belongs.
Become like Teflon: My sister-in-law was telling me recently that my six year old nephew was the target of bullying at school. Seeing such a sweet little boy become so hurt by what others were saying about him was heartbreaking. It changed his happy-go-lucky personality into someone who was shy and withdrawn. I said to him, “Watch this. Blanca (my sister-in-law) you’re ugly.” His face looked shocked. “Is your mommy ugly?” I asked. He shook his head vigorously. “So what did you learn? That just because someone says something doesn’t make it true. Miserable people say miserable things. When someone needs to make you feel small, so they can feel big, it tells you that there is something wrong with that person.” Once you’ve learned to stop internalizing the behavior of others and you learn to pass it back, you can let things just bounce off of you, because you get really good at looking at the source. You figure out their agenda and you just don’t play their game.
Simplify your life: I started paying attention to any person, place or thing that made me feel bad and I got rid of them. How I felt became my top priority. If I was hanging around certain people that made me feel drained I just stopped hanging around with them. If some people in my life acted like drama queens I left them on their stage and walked out. I looked for any type of peak and valley relationship and I left it behind. I only allowed stable, responsible and positive people a front row seat in my life. If a material object made me feel bad, I got rid of it. If going somewhere made me feel uncomfortable, I didn’t go. I started practicing putting my well-being at the top of my priorities list.
Get to know you and embraced all of those parts of you that you feel are unlovable: When you live your life to please others you forget about who you are and what your needs and desires are. It’s important on any journey of self-discovery that you figure out who you are. Take a look at all those aspects of yourself that you have been taught to hate and feel shame for and realize that all those little quirks and imperfections are what make you the wonderful person that you are. I used to hate my hair. I have curly, frizzy hair and I always wanted shiny, poker straight hair. I would punish my hair everyday with product and heat, making it just the way I wanted. I still style my hair, but when weather threatens, I just put it up and don’t really care too much about it. I’ve stopped expecting it to be perfect. I was also taught to feel ashamed of my body and trying to accept every part of it has been a struggle, but I’ve learned that I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. Some people are going to love me and others…not so much. The difference is that I’ve become focused on those that do and I’ve stopped trying to convince those that don’t.
“There’s no part of me that I don’t feel completely comfortable showing, exposing.” – Jennifer Aniston on new husband Justin Theroux
Be authentically you: Learn what makes you happy, what is important to you, what your morals and values are and live your life according to those things. That’s how you know you’re living an authentic life, when everything is in harmony and you’re not trying to be someone you’re not.
Do what makes you happy: This sounds easy enough, but sometimes you’ll find that doing what makes you happy will contrast with what someone else wants you to do. There have been many times in the last little while that others have wanted something from me, or expected me to do something that I didn’t want to do. They would take up an inordinate amount of my time, doing them wouldn’t make me happy, quite the opposite in fact, nor would they add any value to my life. When I get to feeling that way I’ve learned to be ok saying, “No.” No is hard for pleasers, especially when those other people will judge you and not be happy with your decision. I’m sure people have thought I was being selfish, but then I go back to rule # 1 and 2 – ‘what you think of me is none of my business’ and I’ve learned to be like Teflon, so it just slides off.
You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you are: This concept really scared me, especially while I was going through day after day of heartache and depression. Cognitively I knew that the longer I stayed in this emotional funk the longer the environment would continue to bring low emotional energy people and low emotional circumstances into my life. So I literally had to battle my feelings. It’s easy to stay in an emotional funk, sure it hurts like hell, but it’s a lot easier than say, doing something like….changing. Understand that you have to be an active participant in your emotional healing. Nothing gets better until you decide it’s going to get better and you take one little step after another, battling the whole time.
By the end of it you will know what it feels like to be a warrior. You’ll understand how much control you really do have and how to put you and your well-being first.
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You are a phenomenal writer and I feel your love for us through your articles. I turned 50 this year and for the past 2 years have been in codependent counseling and in women’s groups and I am finally in the end stages of my relationship with my “N” man and I am feeling very strong. Your articles were obviously sent to me from above to help me in my struggle. THANK YOU!
Thank you Savannah for this article.I physically separated from my narc husband of 16 years earl this year.For the better thisyear i have been trying to get over him but he could not let me be.He kept pushing buttons and the codependent in me was craving to have him back.until i found your blog and realize i had to close the door because he will never.I cant believe am contemplating divorce i congratulate the new me for that.I still have a lot of work to do but i love the wonderful woman am becoming.Your blog is the key with which i will unlock the cage and the wonderful woman in me will come out and express herself to the world.Bye Mr narcissist bye Miss codependent.This blog is like my guide in this journey.
Wow this was right on time! I’ve been feeling this way for a long time and even having a pitty party this morning. Great read!
This is for Phoebe,
You are not alone as I am beside you consumed with heartache and devastating pain. Continue to read this life saving blog and know you are in my prayers. Hurting people HURT people. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you Savannah! Although the narcissist that caused me to first read your blog is no longer a part of my life, I find your advice so relevant in many ways. I’m currently dealing with a new manager that got the position over me, and is now trying to tear me down because I have experience and education that she does not and she’s flat out told me that she feels threatened. While I consciously try not to do things to make her feel that way, she still does.
Lately she handed me a huge list of “mistakes” I’m supposedly making and told me that my co-workers have no confidence in me! I was crushed. While my logical mind knows that none of it is true and that it’s her problem, being the co-dependent personality that I am it still hurt that someone could even THINK that of me! I’ve been struggling emotionally ever since this happened.
After many long talks with my husband and checking in with my co-workers who confirmed that they think well of me, and now reading this post, I’m getting it. It doesn’t mean anything… She’s feeling weak and afraid. It’s not fair, for sure, that she got the job. It’s not fair that she is attacking me for no real reason. This is about one woman’s fear and inability to handle the situation maturely, not about my job performance which has always been exemplary.
Again, thank you for posting this today – it came at the right moment!
Thank you again Savannah for another timely post. I am still learning to be strong for myself. I received a horrible text from my ex N’s narcissistic daughter hurtling all kinds of putdowns and name-calling at me. It devastated me at first but then the newer me emerged. Just like you said, her words and actions are a reflection of her not me. I’m becoming stronger everyday AND I learned how to block unwanted messages on my phone. Thank you for your knowledge and insight and helping us all to become our best self.
I will be 70 soon. I’m finally starting to get rid of what/who doesn’t make me happy. I belong to a codependency support group and benifit from those connections. Good reminders here. Thank you.
Sue, I am 58 and feel foolish because I feel I should know better by now so, it relieves me to know there are others out there like me 😉 Some people are lucky to learn young and others? well, it’s never too late. Good luck on you personal travels.
Great article as always, great reminders. Some of my Teflon has a few scratches on it, time to strengthen that up again. Thank you again so much!!!! 🙂
I can say i have evolved along with your articles. I accidentally found your site on my way to self discovery 2 years back. Since then your articles have been my companion , my thoughts gets more more validate. Thank you
You’re blogs are invaluable, thank you, it’s only when I reflected on the patterns of my bad relationships, I realised I was a codependent
The best part of this article is the practical steps to take to effect positive change in the way we, as codependents behave. Thank you!
This one and perhaps all of them has left me in a BAD state. Really angry but that’s ok because I know it takes time for the émotions to settle. I no longer grieve my ex in fact I feel sorry for him. My sisters/’friends’, leave them be. Tomorrow is another day I will mourn the old me but I truly wellcome the news, who, in fact has always been trying to shine through. Once again thank you xx
Your words have really helped me in my personal journey of internal healing and growth. Always spot on. Thank you so much for your amazing contribution to society, and for being so genuine and forthright. – grateful.
A quick thank you for this post. As so many before me have said excellent timing! I awoke today part way through à Dream whereby someone in the dream was jealously critising me behind my back but lourd enough for me to hear. It was horrible, belittling and frustrating as I had to leave and ahhhh I’ve just had an aha moment !!! I’m scared to reply as I’m not confident I will be able to control my temper as it pushes so many childhood/adult buttons! Phew. Thank you !!! Your posts help so much!!!
I am going through hell right now,somebody I thought loved me very much has just thrown me to the side knowing how much pain I’m in right now but doesn’t seem to care one bit.I’m doing my best to move on but it’s so hard and the pain is unbearable.I will continue to read your articles as I can relate to them so much