
“I never would have left.” That’s what I said to my long-term Narcissist, during one of my futile attempts to get him to stay. “I never would have done this.” The scary part is – that was the truth. It didn’t matter how much pain he caused me. It didn’t matter that nothing was about me, or that I had no idea who I was anymore. None of that mattered.
It was as if I was resigned to the way that that was how my relationship was going to be. I had gotten too used to being mistreated, forgotten, ignored and abused. I had put in the time. Almost ten years of my life I had invested in this man. We had a house together, a mortgage. We were building a life. It didn’t matter that I was the only one that saved for the down payment. It didn’t matter that I was the one that pushed and did all the work. I had all the external things that made this look like a relationship, but it was all a façade and I was all good with pretending it was otherwise and I had no intention to leaving ever. The question was why?
Something was wrong. I knew that, but I chose to not see what was right in front of me. I minimized huge issues and I was fully compliant with my own mistreatment. I really didn’t think I could leave. I didn’t think I was capable of making it on my own and besides I didn’t have a good enough reason. I never caught him cheating. There were no text messages or phone calls from other women. This is the problem with most in my situation, unless they have that smoking gun, they don’t feel like they have the right to leave. An inordinate amount of circumstantial evidence is still not enough to scare off most codependents. It’s as if they live in a perpetual fog.
Codependents are really good at doubting their senses. They are so used to taking the blame for everything and this makes them really easy to manipulate, because all a deceptive partner need do, is slip in the lamest of excuses and that’s usually all it takes to take the wind out of the sails of even the most observant of codependents and replace it with doubt and self-recrimination.
Codependents are also excellent at minimizing big issues. It stems from their martyr complex and their ever suffering personas. “It’s ok that you hurt me – it’s just me. I’m used to it. I can take it.” They are way too quick to forgive and have few if any boundaries that tell them exactly, when enough is enough.
They are also quick to settle for less, believing that they don’t deserve more. ‘What you allow will persist,’ and codependents allow an awful lot. I can relate to being fully compliant in my own mistreatment. Instead of speaking up and demanding to be treated with love and respect, I was afraid to rock the boat and even more afraid that he would leave me if I did.
It was almost as if a fog had entered my brain and cast a shadow over all things common sense. I had an ideal of what and how I wanted my life to be. At times my reality would almost touch the fantasy and that was enough. I thought I could change him to fit the mold that I wanted. We both knew he was f**cked up enough to know that he needed to change, so with my help I could mold him into the prince I had always dreamed of – right?
The reality of trying to change someone is a lot different than the fantasy. When I think now on how difficult it is for us to make little changes in our own lives, the thought of actually getting someone else to change is downright preposterous, especially someone who will not acknowledge that there is anything wrong with them.
A codependent really is the perfect fit for a Narcissist in a dysfunctional and twisted way, because Narcissists are really good at creating doubt and codependents are really good at buying it. Narcissists tend to be quick on their feet and very convincing, not to mention charming.
The reason they’re so good at it is because they are masters of deflection. You can’t pin something on someone who refuses to accept blame. There is a smug arrogance that washes over them when faced with the possibility of getting caught. It’s due to their impaired ability to feel empathy which blurs the line for them, between right and wrong. It’s like it’s a game to them and their greatest advantage is that you don’t know the rules.
What does an insecure codependent, who willingly accepts blame, do, when faced with someone, who just as aggressively, refuses to accept any responsibility? It’s the perfect storm.
A narcissist wants to create smoke and mirrors. It’s how their behavior flies under everyone’s radar for so long. The longer they can create doubt, the longer they can get away with their agenda. If they know you’re unsure, even though you suspect something, they know the right buttons to press to keep you guessing.
If you present them with text messages you found on their phone, they’ll often have a quick excuse, “I’m just helping her out with something.” If you press -then their deflection kicks in, “You’re so paranoid. You’re nuts. You’re so jealous I can’t take it,” and when you tell them you don’t believe them and ask them to show you their phone, or their Facebook, or their email and prove that nothing is going on, what happens then?
The rage kicks in. Their first attempt to get out is through quick thinking and coming up with plausible, believable excuses and that generally is enough to get them out of most scrapes. When that fails though, they will resort to deflection and gaslighting, to get the spotlight off of themselves and onto you, so that with your already depleted self-esteem, you’ll internalize their wrath and back off. When that fails and they know they are caught, it’s a full blown rage directed solely at you, complete with name calling, character assassination , threats and abandonment.
They will leave you with the belief that you pushed them too far. That all you had to do was believe them (which requires you to doubt your senses and feelings as well as the proof you’ve gathered) but you didn’t, so now they’re gone and you’re miserable and internalizing the brunt of the conflict.
Dr. Phil has a lot of great sayings, but my all-time favorite is this – “Those that have nothing to hide – hide nothing.” If the end of the conflict would mean showing you their phone – then why aren’t they jumping to show you their phone? If it means showing you an email – why aren’t they showing you their email?
Another oldie is – “Where there’s smoke there’s fire.” If you’re hearing things, or seeing things that are causing you to feel uneasy, then there is something there that needs to be addressed. If your mate would rather blow up and walk away, rather than ease your mind and provide proof to the contrary, then there is something going on.
Believe me, if anyone is being blamed for something that they aren’t doing, they will be the first ones shoving proof down your throat. When you corner a rat they switch from defense, to attack.
The bottom line is, if your relationship has got you twisted in knots and acting crazy, then you seriously need to rethink your situation. Healthy relationships consist of full disclosure and the desire to have each other feeling happy, confident and secure. If you’re unhappy and your relationship is making you act crazy, or it leaves you feeling physically ill, these are all good enough reasons to walk away.
When your instincts are screaming at you, that you shouldn’t trust someone, it’s a good indication that you shouldn’t trust them. I tend to believe that we all have a six sense that can pick up on things that we consciously cannot. So if you are feeling all of these signs you don’t have to wait for indisputable proof. You don’t need permission to walk away from anything that is making you feel uneasy. Practicing self-care is removing yourself from anything that you deem unhealthy for your wellbeing.
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Wow. Just wow. I feel as if you followed me for the past 26 years. I always attributed the behaviors my husband had to him. I see now just how co-dependent I was. We are much better now as a couple since I started working on myself and standing up for myself. My daughter doesn’t understand why I’m still with her dad. I don’t think she ever will, but she is definitely not co-dependent. Crazy. We’ll see if it lasts.
Hi, thanks for the great article. Right now I am in the exact situation. I know the narc is up to something, I have seen Skype message forgotten to remove on his mac and when I presented that one message to him where there’s a female name , he denies it he says I have no idea what that is, I don’t use Skype. The message was sent at 7.34 in th morning while I was sleeping on a saturday. He wakes up very early around 5:30 or close to 6 every morning, he goes downstairs and he takes his phone with him! it has been going on for almost a month and half. I know he is seeing someone on the net maybe he still didn’t meet her i don’t think so, but whatever it is, I think he is going to meet her soon. I have been in this relationship for almost 4 years we had a 3 years of long distant relationship from 2 different countries in Europe now after spending 3 years apart 10 months ago I moved here (England) to live together after him begging me for weeks we should start our lives together and such.. I gave up my job, my home my family and moved here with all my belongings. But since the day I arrived the abuse started in a more real form , before from distant was less visible but it was there…but I have been loving him like crazy despite of all the wrong doing ..you know al the wrong doing has been mentioned in this site that a narcissist could do, I have gone through.. And now as if 10 months of torture wasn’t enough, I have to witness him cheating..I have to get away from him although my heart would cry i know I would miss him terribly (don’t ask me why, I just don’t know) but I have to save my soul and my mind and get away from him before he does it, before he bring up this woman to my face and he would leave me…I need to get away from this pain… PS: sorry for misspelling or all the other mistakes.I really don’t feel good to edith my comment thanks 🙂
So glad to know I’m not the only one! Unbelievable abuse. Too bad he will be paying child support until he is 70!! Haha! Good luck w that you fool!!
He remained close friends with his ex wife, who was “so horrible”.She was constantly jealous if I was with him and she called….i felt like the other woman, but I was the girlfriend ( of 3 years ultimately with no change in their relationship ). He felt responsible for her as she had no friends.His female cpa is his “friend” and i found out he was going to dinner and drinks with her, always so busy working, never had time for me tho….I’m ridiculous and insecure, hed say. His good friends wife, very pretty, was always calling about things he wasn’t an expert about, i’d ask “why is she calling you?” Never thought he’d do anything with his buddies wife. Well, i found messages between them. I confronted him, so apologetic, nothing going on, she needs support, just like his ex and his cpa did, they didn’t have friends either….i emailed the wife to quit, politely, or I’d have to involve her husband. Apparently, my N bf texted her again and she said for him to quit because Id asked her to. He threw me out of the house over it. Emailed me afterwards saying there was nothing going on, and he’d deleted her contact info, per her request, “thank you very much”. You’re quite welcome, maybe I saved a marriage. She knew it was wrong, and didn’t want her husband to know, and he was pissed because I cock blocked him and here I was, still with him after reading that! He said the last contact he had with her was apologizing for my stunt. LOL. MY stunt? You’re having sexual messages with your friends wife and dating me, but Im the one pulling a stunt? What a fool I am. Now I know, the ex, the cpa, the friends wife,all were to feed his little ego. He was so supportive and complimentary, to make them feel good, but was killing my self esteem and callling me insecure, when I was 100% correct. I cannot believe, what was once a confident, secure woman tolerated and allowed herself to be so brainwashed and gaslighted, not to mention the explosive verbal tirades. How did I become this spineless?? Never again! I don’t care if you’re Daniel Craig (yum), you’re not dating me if you wish to invest yourself in relationships with other women, verbally abuse me, or throw me out. See, I never had “proof” , but then I saw salacious emails…..but, what he was doing with the ex and cpa, whether innocent or not, ( I’m guessing not) made me unhappy, and he continued it, that should have been enough. If someone loves you, they wouldn’t do that because they wouldn’t want to risk losing you, as it is inappropriate. But I never mattered to him, and now I don’t care. It took reading those emails and being thrown out over ruining his flirtation with her for me to get there, sad, but at least I’m not crying and wanting him anymore. I’m trying to quit being so mad at myself for continuing such a relationship, but he was a master NPD manipulator, and I was a trusting fool. I knew better! But he “loved” me, would cry and say he never wanted to lose me…i found out he was telling these women, and other people, that I was just a casual relationship….. I was a casual relationship, he ran hot and cold and kept a harem. I knew deep down I didn’t matter, but wanted to believe him…. believe their actions, not their words! Wish I had those 3 precious years back.
Reading this, along with other articles I have found on this site, is encouraging me so much. I have been in the horrible relationship off and on for 10 years now. I left in 11/2014 and I vowed it was the beginning of a new me and a new life. I never cut contact completely. I would miss him and he would stalk me. He was so sweet and loving and I was so lonely and couldn’t understand why when I left I was the only one crying adn hurting. I have assumed all blame for all problems in our marriage. I agreed to move out of state with him and now I want to go back to where I belong, with my family. Every single time I think about moving, I get crippling fear of failure. Just this morning he told me I wouldn’t survive, that all I would be able to do is live in a shack and have nothing. Please keep me in your thoughts as I try to get out. I don’t have a lot of emotional support and as you can imagine, my emotions are raw. Thanks
this page is completely perfect. A really talented N has a way of deepening any little bit of co-dependency and before ya know it, you’re a whole bunch co-dependent and if you throw in an illness or two you can get really trapped. ‘Mine” was really talented and I honoured our marriage commitment far too long. Some days my resolve is weak so I visit pages like this to strengthen my resolve. Thank you.
I agree with the idea that ‘where’s there’s smoke there’s fire.” Even if you can’t get any concrete proof, if you feel something is wrong, then something is usually wrong (perpetually paranoid people excepted).
However, I don’t agree that, “If your mate would rather blow up and walk away, rather than ease your mind and provide proof to the contrary, then there is something going on.”
Anger is a legitimate response to be accused of something that you didn’t do. And feeling like you have to open up your phone and show all your emails or whatever just because your partner is insecure is not the best way to allay her/his fears.
Look at it another way, if your partner suspects something and demands to read your diary, is that okay? I think the answer is, ‘obviously not’. A diary is private, emails are private, texts are private. A healthy relationship respects boundaries and kowtowing to your partners fears and insecurities doesn’t bode well for any relationship.
Thank you for telling our story and validating what we know to be true but are made to feel is untrue and unfounded because we are “crazy” (us codependents).
“You can’t pin something on someone who refuses to accept blame. There is a smug arrogance that washes over them when faced with the possibility of getting caught. It’s due to their impaired ability to feel empathy which blurs the line for them, between right and wrong.”
I couldn’t understand why he was not able to see how obvious his behavior was or how he hurt me. I could see the patterns and explained to him. Yet he gaslight and lied and tried to deflect. My instincts were screaming but I couldn’t let go until the final painful discard. It’s been almost a year and journaling and reading your blogs have helped tremendously. Lack of empathy on his side provides some clarity.
I don’t have an option yet for completely no contact. So I can see the same pattern he has with his new narcissistic supply. I can see her struggling with the ups and downs. I can tell when she is feeling insecure and clingy and I am so glad to have escaped. I should know because I was like that once. She won’t believe me if I tell her.
Thing is. He could and will have a long term relationship with her. As he could have with me if I had wanted to. However, it won’t be blissful for her. My instincts were nagging at me that he’s not a good guy. He will go through the 3 phases again and again. If she only knew all the loving words and actions he acted toward me while he was with her, she would be devastated. I stayed the course and didn’t give in. He discarded me for her but I don’t wish to be in her shoes at all. There are moments it still hurts to see them happy together. But I know this is for the best for me.
I am still healing and it’s a work in progress. I go on here to read and remind myself regularly. This is my virtual therapy.
I like this post from Sav and the comments from the others. I think i actually have an intact BS meter but I’ve been trained by my mother to not trust my own thoughts and ignore my BS meter. It took me several years to come to understand that my N defined sex as our ex president Bill Clinton. Sex means intercourse only. Anything else was not sex. That was his way of justifying his actions and being able to say no he had not had sex with someone. The harem article was the one that really hit home for me and began my path to NC. This article is another break through for me. He always maintained that unless i walked in on him and another woman, that i was being jealous and insecure.
This article validates those difficult decisions I’ve been making recently. I’m purging myself of things that make me feel uncomfortable or just leave me feeling … “what just happened here”. For those times I need a little validation, this was it!
Wow.. Just WOW!!!!! That article alone has made me want to walk away.
Awesome as usual and timely…thank you! 🙂
The pattern you describe is the straight truth for me. I have spent years trying to figure out how some people can be so sure footed and assertive. How can they just say to someone they have been in relationship with “you are full of crap, you make me feel bad, get out right now”?
I’ve decided people like this have a fully functioning BS meter that they’ve had since childhood. It’s never been questioned, their parents and family affirmed it, and they had solid support in trusting it and acting on it.
The difference is, I didn’t have that. I was taught to trust my family’s self-protective version of events — even when it conflicted with my own eyes and my own intuition. My BS meter got broken.
Ns are great at finding people like me. They have a great trick they’ve learned: they do something inappropriate and then wait around for someone like me to feel guilty about it! They will lie right to our faces and count on our self doubt to kick in, getting us to think “maybe they ate not so bad, maybe it didn’t really happen, maybe I’m wrong.”
I’ve been working on fixing my BS meter and trusting it. It may have been broken but it can be repaired. The first step is to realize it’s still there and it still works. Step two is to TRUST it.
Hurtin’ Cowboy
You bring up a good point Hurtin’ Cowboy… What I’m wondering is: how do we differentiate whether we’re acting out of naivety, codependent tendencies, or just a positive view of people? Not necessarily referring to our narc relationships, as that, thank god, has been made crystal clear by Savannah. But this BS meter…mine could use some fine tuning for every day life. I don’t approach people with a “you’re untrustworthy/lying until you prove otherwise” type of attitude. I tend to give people benefit of the doubt regarding their motives/actions unless they’re obviously oily weasels. Is this a common symptom of codependency Savannnah? I’ve never had a problem speaking up when I thought I was being disrespected, or making my expectations for a relationship clear. My problem with my ex n. was I was very understanding and could always put myself in his shoes/make allowances until he pulled an unforgivable stunt that allowed/forced my heart to say enough is enough.
@Cowboy: I hear you loud and clear. My mother is a Narc, and aside from having no empathy, minimizing my concerns or ridiculing my feelings, she gaslit me from a very young age. As I grew older and started to confront her about her behavior (as a teen), she’d deny that any of the things she did ever happened. “I never said that” and “You’re just making that up” were her favorite comebacks.
I completely understand how dangerous and damaging this is. To have your mind messed with this way as a CHILD, when you’re at your most vulnerable, gullible and innocent phase in your life, lays the foundation to become an adult that is a shell of a person.
You and I were brainwashed. We were taught to doubt our gut instinct. We were taught that our feelings were invalid. I’m not sure about you, but in my case, I became an adult who doubted myself, a lot. For a while, when I was at my lowest, it would only take ONE person saying something to discredit my argument, or even a pre-evident, empirical fact to make me doubt myself.
As an example: A shark is not a mammal. However, if someone with an overbearing personality entered a conversation I was having with someone else about sharks, and asserted that I was wrong and that sharks are mammals, my first instinct would be to cast doubt on myself, and ask myself internally: “Have I been wrong all this time? Are sharks…mammals?” Whereas a confident person’s first instinct would be to laugh at the person and say: “WTF are you talking about?!”
I am still in the process of repairing my internal BS meter. I’ve found that it is still there and will ALWAYS be there. No one can take that away from you, not even a Narc. And here’s how I’ve gone about fixing it:
-If I’m walking somewhere, and I get that feeling and little voice telling me to cross the street right away, avoid a person I see down the street, ANYTHING like that, I listen to it now and just do whatever my gut tells me. I cross the street, turn a different way, turn around, whatever it is. I no longer tell myself “it’s probably nothing” and just march ahead.
-I really pay attention now to how I feel around someone when networking, making new friends or in dating. Am I at ease or on edge around this person? How does their energy make me feel? How do I feel after seeing them?
If I don’t feel safe emotionally or comfortable in their presence, or if my gut tells me that this person is unhappy, judgmental, a backstabber, etc., I just don’t talk to them anymore. I especially pay attention to how I feel after seeing them: If I feel drained, annoyed or upset after seeing them, that is a HUGE red flag that they are sucking the life out of you. I also make note now of if I feel diminished or confident and normal around this person — if you feel yourself turning your light down around someone, this is a horrible sign.
I’ve found that my gut instincts about people — not external judgments about them, but how my GUT felt about them — were correct! My Narc was charming but my gut knew something was not right about him. Same with the demanding co-worker who would throw anyone under the bus, the co-dependent friends, the person who claims they are your friend but they are really a flake, etc. Pay attention to and act on these gut feelings.
-I don’t engage with someone (especially strange men) who makes me feel uncomfortable. Women are socialized and taught to be nice to everyone and to “not be a bitch,” which I now know is wrong and sexist. If I don’t want to talk to, say hi, or be near someone, I don’t do it. I don’t have to justify why. And who cares if others want to put labels on me or call me names?
-The last thing, and I know this a long post: I no longer talk myself down from how I’m feeling about someone. If I feel wronged, that is valid and I should express it. If I am upset, I will express it. I no longer downplay how I feel.
I hope you and everyone on this community has a safe and happy holiday weekend!
Fractured Fairytale –
That’s a great question, whether we have to learn to be cynical or untrusting in order to protect ourselves. I personally don’t think so. I practice what I call the “one bump” rule, which (if you will excuse me) I adapted from the rules of football. A defensive player assigned to cover a receiver going out for a pass is allowed “one bump” of the receiver, one hard shove. Any contact after that is a penalty. Likewise when I meet someone new I assume the best about them. But if I get that one bump, that one statement or behavior that feels invasive or shows bad boundaries, I go on alert: the next bump from them and I will take steps to protect myself: put up a boundary, push back (verbally), or just ignore them completely in the future. This way I continue to assume people are OK, but I take steps when they show they are not. The best slogan I’ve heard that describes this approach is: Do no harm; but take no shit.
HC
Thanks Hurtin’ Cowboy, good analogy and good rule of thumb to live by.
This is exactly what happened to me when a few months ago. The Ns are monsters and they will keep playing with your head as mine would email me every couple of weeks just to try to get under skin because he thinks that I would want him back. I keep reading these blogs to keep me from responding to any of his emails. Thank you, Savannah.
Thank you, Fractured Fairytale. Nice name by the way. I appreciate the support. Perhaps I’m better at caring for myself than I credit myself as since I’m here, sharing myself with complete strangers. There is safety in the perception of anonymous when all we want is to be seen. We are all transparent in our desire to hide.
Hey guys. Some of you may be aware that I left my parasitic Narc a year and a half ago, and that I have been successful with No Contact. Well, I just unwillingly got an update about him — an update that I didn’t want or need to hear, but that came to me via textbook from a mutual friend.
My ex is having a baby. The baby is due in a month. The mother is the woman he cheated on me with.
This news, oddly, didn’t take me to a mental place of wishing that I was the one having the baby, or of even being jealous of the woman that he wound up with.
Instead, I thought these things: #1) Feeling sorry for that poor child who is going to have a Narcissist for a father, he’s already coming into this world with a deficit; #2) Pitying the mother, because she really believes that my ex Narc is a “prize” worth winning when he is actually a terrible person and not a prize at all; #3) Re-living the anger of how my ex gaslit me when I was upset with him communicating with this woman.
For background, my ex stayed in communication with this woman, who he had been on and off with for years, and lied to me about it the whole time we were together.
He initially lied that they even had a romantic history together, he tried to pass her off as a friend, instead of just admitting that she was an ex.
This woman texted, called, emailed and Facebooked him every time it seemed that he and I were on the rocks. She was waiting in the wings for us to not work. I later discovered that he called, texted and wrote to her after he and I would fight.
I now know that she was part of his harem and the manager of his sad little fan club, but what I DID NOT do was follow my gut about this whole situation. He called me insecure. He said she meant nothing to him. He covered up their dialogue. All lies.
I too, waited until I got “proof” of their affair. It took me accidentally reading a thread of Facebook messages for me to leave him, even though my gut was screaming otherwise.
In short, following your gut instinct can save you a lot of heartbreak.
If you’re at the point where you’re spending time and energy looking for inconsistencies in your partner’s stories, are investigating them or searching for proof, you have to admit that you are doing this and you feel this way because YOUR GUT IS RIGHT. You are behaving this way because you just KNOW that they are cheating.
It’s no way to live. Just get rid of them!
NR:
Just curious, is this the unattractive, overweight girl who wrote him bad poems?
It’s great you’re in a place where you don’t give a shit anymore. I feel I am mostly there, though if I heard my narc was having a kid I might be still slightly upset. Odd for me to call him ‘my narc’ as he was never ‘mine’ to begin with.
No contact is so important but I am glad to hear you’re unmoved by the news.
@Lola — Yes, it’s her! That same person I had mentioned before. Now that more time has passed, I truly feel sorry for her.
She must really hate herself and be in a terrible place mentally if she thinks my ex-Narc is THAT much of a prize (or worth anything). She’s probably really stoked that she now has a tie to him forever through their child.
I truly cannot think of a worse person than my ex to be a parent. Aside from being a Narc, my ex is what Savannah has called a broken-down: He cannot support himself, his finances are a mess, he has terrible credit, and is over 35 years old now and still gets money from his mother. My mother is a Narc, but at the very, very least, she is fiscally responsible and had it together. Me and my siblings most basic human needs, such as food, clothing and shelter, were always met.
That poor child is coming into this world with so many deficits already. It’s going to have a very hard life.
I was just telling a friend this last night! It’s as if the narcs believe we need their PERMISSION to leave them or even have a difference of opinion. Then your own rage in response makes you look like the crazy person.
I am so glad I read this post! Absolutely true!!!! That’s me and my situation. But it’s close to the holidays. And he lives in my house. How do I just say I’m done sbd walk away. I do love him but can’t go on doing this.
Thanks for posting Savannah
I relate well to all this except for the lies.
My wife is extremely honest when all is well.
I know that she lies when she says nothing is her fault, but I’m the one that has stuff to hide in my emails and FB.
I have started a healing journey while I’m still with her. I have lots of stuff about Personality Disorders and emails with my friends and family talking about how my wife is really generous, but only when it makes her shine. And how she brought me to the hospital when I didn’t want to live anymore, but after 3 solid days of her making me admit I had participated in everything that went wrong in my life.
I am not hiding any extra-marital relationships, but I am hiding lots of accusations for her that I dare not show her.
Our relationship is a lie in that I have secretly wished for it to end for at least 16 years.
BUT I have also profited from being in a relationship with this otherwise great person that I do everything to keep happy.
Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hide!!!
I have recently realized that my salvation will not come from focussing on my victim status, but rather by taking care of myself and being my own best friend.
I am not ready to leave or confront her – I am not ready to be the instigator of our breakup.
I am the man. I am the bread-winner. We have many children. I don’t want to cause any complications for anyone. I love them.
I fear that I will loose so much if I leave.
I fear that she will destroy my reputation and convince my children that I am the bad one.
She has proven that anyone who is not her friend is an enemy.
I am tremendously scared of her!!!
But I’m learning about boundaries.
I am ready to leave if and when she blows out again.
I have friends and family who have offered me a place to crash if and when that is needed.
Thanks for your writing. It helps.
Gentile
i LOVE THIS! Reading this reminds me of the person I used to be. I have been narcissist and codependent free for 14 months now! Empowerment is freedom. Thank you Savannah for empowering me and all other codependents under the influence of a Narc. Have a blessed Thanksgiving!
This happened last week:
After several weeks of silence, the phone goes and it is he. I am well placed to answer as I am on my way to spend a few days with an old friend. The conversation unfolds thus:
G: I called round yesterday but you didn’t answer the door. Your car was there.
Me: I went into town by bus. (This was true.)
G: I was going to offer you dinner. (This very likely wasn’t. ‘I was going to ..’ meaning ‘I’m going to try to make myself look good by coming up with it now I don’t actually have to do anything about it.’)
Me: Oh, is Xxx (new woman) away?
G: How did you know?
Me (thinks) ?!?!?!?!
Me: I’m on my way to Xxxxx.
G: When are you back?
Me: Monday evening.
G: Oh I’m busy then.
Clearly, Xxx will be back too. He adds some lame reasons, to do with a password that doesn’t work, for being incommunicado for the foreseeable future. What a boring, flakey sh*t.
My anger and disbelief that I ever fell for any of this is renewed. I’m relieved I evaded his unasked for visit and glad I seem unlikely to be bothered with further contact any time soon. (Ending it all together is complicated but will be possible soon.)
It’s progress. Positive affirmations are helping to displace fantasy of that which never really existed. So is adding to my ‘since September’ lists: miles walked/swum, books read, concerts, plays and films seen, trips taken and, most importantly, friends seen – lots!
This excellent post really named how it feels to be in a co-dependent fog and thinking you need 2 tons of evidence before you cut ties with someone you KNOW IN YOUR GUT does not have your best interests at heart. It is helpful to see the pattern and the bargaining we go in for. As Caroline Myss says “knock it off. Just knock it off.” You help us learn to listen to our intuition and love ourselves so much that when someone feeds us a line of bull, it immediately feels crappy, disrespectful, and below our minimum standard. Which then leads us to lose interest- as in I’m bored when narcs lie to me then try to blame and bully me— I think I’ll go find a nicer partner. Good bye, Mr. Narc.
I just had a feeling something was wrong. He was constantly texting on his phone and trying to say it was a “work email”…but never would show me to prove it. He would disappear for almost an hour to “go to the washroom” when we were vacationing (we had a long distance relationship)…then would try to say he was messaging his 20 year old daughter for the last HOUR!! PLEASE! Come to find out he was and IS still married. At home he’s Mr Big Shot Executive and leads a total double life. I now know he’s had multiple affairs for most of his 16 year marriage! I so badly want to call his wife and tell her!! I had a strong feeling something wasn’t right. I ended it as soon as I found out the truth. Then I found out he was seeing several women besides me all over the country…meanwhile back in Barrington IL….his wife stays busy in her own Corporate Exec job in Chicago and appears to be clueless! He’s a MONSTER and I hope she eventually figures this out. I can’t understand how she hasn’t busted him yet…or maybe she’s just sticking her head in the sand. Maybe she doesn’t WANT to know. I’m just SICK that I ever got involved with this man.
I can relate to this so well. I just found out after 4 years of putting up with his lying and cheating that he has also been married for 30 years. His wife actually works at the same place I used to and seems to have the perfect life. At first I was so jealous that she had what I didn’t. But after doing some reading I just feel very sad for her. There is no way these creeps can relate to anyone normal so she must have been putting up with him all these years. The sick thing is I ended it but went back a week later. Luckily for me he then went away for two weeks holiday with his wife and is unable to communicate with me. I am using this time to strengthen my resolve to go no contact when they return.
HI I really missed you this morning-yes-your articles are serendipitous. I saw you had one todaya so I got it another way and tonight at 6:17 it had come. One week I got nothing and actually worried about you a teense-but have much confidence you are fine. I know this is a little different of a comment , but glad I got this weeks.
That’s a sore subject Sami. The company I pay a lot of money to, to send out my blogs every Monday morning, had technical difficulties and sent it out 12 hours later. Sorry for the delay.
I mean, why did I ask her if she’s ok? That only shows weakness on my part. It shows that I care about someone who willingly deceived me, toyed with my emotions, and then discarded me on a dime, moved on like I was yesterday’s news, and then painted me as an enemy and “psycho” for the audacity to ask “why.” The sad truth is that I loved this person then to a fault, and this proves I’m weaker than I believe myself to be. I was consumed with pleasant thoughts of this person all day yesterday? WTF??? So I deleted it! Better late than never.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ve healed and things have been going pretty well and I feel rooted again in me. Nov 7th, out of the blue, I get a text that says “I’ve been drinking and I miss you.” My gut knew it was my ex. I let a day go by before saying “who is this?” 10 days later I get a response that says “Hi.” <—- Our first kiss was prefaced with a whispered "hi" by my ex. Still, this could just a freak accident, a wrong number. A day later I say 'Hi." Then I get another the next day that says "I miss you." <—- Can I just say that I actually got excited and started fantasizing about a mature reconnection, including sex??? I mean, WTF is wrong with this picture? I told myself I would NOT say I miss you back to my ex, so I mentioned that I got a new bike and asked if the ex was still riding. *Crickets*. Two days later I texted "I miss you too. Are you ok?" That was yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon I deleted the thread, which means I don't have access to the phone number it came from. It's a number I don't recognize, but I recognize the energy. And, I don't know why I'm sharing this except to say, thank you, thank you, thank you, for providing this home base to remember. I need to remember the emotional hell I was put through and remember what I'm dealing with here. I will also be honest and tell you I feel vulnerable.
Don’t beat yourself up Nashville, but don’t ever let your guard down. I think we will always be too vulnerable to have any contact with these n’s (and why would we want to, we deserve so much better!)…blame it on the love bombing, trauma bonds and future faking. I’ve finally succeeded at no contact. Always before I’d feel empathy when mine expressed love/pleading to stay in his life. Savannah’s blogs and education on the subject made me realize I was only supply and they can never truly love or be loyal to anyone. Good job on deleting the number!
Savannah- this post is uncannily timely. I need to leave my narcissist and I’m in knots because how do you safely leave a raging and I mean raging narcissist? I realize there’s no “safe” or “rational” or even “conversation” per se. So there’s only the opposite of what a kind person would do- which is just to leave without explaining… Because as you say, explanations with just be gas lighted and put down. It’s been a journey I couldn’t imagine ever taking in he’s got a complete denial or deflection of his volatile nature – everyone else “pushes his buttons”. I never write posts like this but if it helps one other person it’s worth it. Trust instincts, don’t tolerate excuses- the first incident of rage, controlling, extreme self absorption- set clear boundaries and get yourself out of it sooner rather than later! Keep yourself safe- these guys don’t get better they just get more blatant. Thank you Savannah for providing sanity and pulling the blind up for so many of us who could have never imagined this type of arrogant, bullying personality.
Thanks Savannah…
This is my situation – although I have never thought of my AH as a narcissist. It’s funny, the last straw for me, coincidently, has just come as he continually spends more than he earns. He will be okay in the future with a sizeable inheritance, but not me. I am finally listening to my sixth sense and taking action. Thanks for the post, I love your blog.
Stephanie, your post described the last 3 years of my life perfectly. I was not married though, but lived with my N. I recently had to obtain an anti harassment order against mine in order for him to stop bothering me. However, he still believes that I will return. Your verbiage of something you crave, is something I can relate to all too well. For me personally, I think it came from living in that environment and in that constant mind set of chaos, drama, honeymoon phase, and on edge, that kept me staying or going back. I too am still healing. It’s only been a few months and it’s still hard. In September I started attending domestic abuse classes and support groups, which have helped me immensely. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.
Thank you for this post. I feel like this message is from someone who has experienced my life for the last three years, and my marriage. My husband actually says things like “You keep pushing me and pushing me. This is all your fault.” He then proceeds to describe a reality which exists only in his head. It truly is crazy and so, so hurtful. The idea of leaving is just as difficult as the idea of staying. I feel like some people are quick to label the other a narcissist when a relationship goes bad, so I was reluctant to do so. However, people that have known my husband for years, and were or are friends of his, have told me that he is a very clear narcissist, without knowing anything of what he has put me through. Still, I am often in denial. Looking to him for explanations and comfort and buying the lamest of excuses. Finally, after lying to cover a lie to cover a lie to cover a lie, and me confronting him about it, he attacks me verbally as described above. He rages. Later that day he will call to apologize, twist the knife a little, and say how depressed he is and how his friends all hate him now because of my telling them things. He desperately wants to protect his image, and that seems more important than the apology. Occasionally, he will admit to being messed up and needing professional help, but then never does anything about it. I have come to believe that is just a manipulation as well. He makes this “admission” when he is caught red handed and can’t lie his way out. I am growing stronger but get set back when I have to interact with him. It sickens me and yet I crave it at the same time. I still keep hoping and hoping to have the person back that I fell in love with, even though I know that person was a facade. I know what he is, but it is so hard to accept that this is the reality of my life. That everything is going to have to change. That I will have to lick my wounds for a few years. That I will have to date again (yuck). In moments of clarity, I know that the best thing for me is to leave, but the idea of actually doing it is so so hard to think about. Thank you again for your blog.
I have been following your blog for over a year. My story is very complicated, like most are. Your posts often hit home for me. It’s like you’re speaking my exact situation. This post is exactly what I needed right now. I cannot thank you enough.