It seemed like a good idea. You’ve been pining over someone who has, in the blink of an eye, replaced you with someone else. You are heartbroken and you can’t believe that they are so over you, that you could drop dead and they wouldn’t even notice. So you decide, two can play at this game. I’m not going to sit around here mooning anymore. I’m going to go out with someone else too. You pull up your old profile from that dating site, put your pictures back up and within a few minutes you’ve already got a couple of messages.
It’s a fantastic boost for your bruised ego and it sure feels nice that someone seems interested in you. So you start messaging back and forth. You’re flirting, getting to know them a little, they seem cute enough and by the end of the day you’ve exchanged phone numbers and have been talking non-stop for hours.
You made plans to meet up for Friday night and the next couple of days you feel kind of ok. You’re excited, a little nervous and you’re not obsessing as much over jerkface, who hasn’t made any effort to contact you.
Friday arrives, you put on your best outfit, your hair looks great and you’re not even thinking of whats-his-face. You’re caught up in the excitement of the evening, you get in your car and you’re off to meet your potential new mate.
There he is, he’s attractive, tall, seems nice. Things are going well. He’s funny and amusing and you start to picture your life with this person. While you’re in the bathroom stall you text your best friend, “I think I just met my future husband.”
The date ends, you hug and give him a peck on the cheek. You agree to go out again and everything seems fine. As you start to drive home old, familiar thoughts start to creep into your head. You can’t stop thinking about jerkface and your heart starts to ache again. You get home, open a bottle of wine and start listening to Need You Now, by Lady Antebellum. Next thing you know, you’re drunk-texting He-who-shall-not-be-named, you’re an emotional mess and bing, your phone goes off. It’s a text, your heart flips. Is it him? Is it Jerkface?
No, it’s your date, your heart sinks,“I had a great time tonight. Just wanted to make sure you got home ok.” Why couldn’t it be the one I want? You wonder, why can’t he be nice to me like my date? Why can’t the one I want, want me? But more importantly, why can’t I stop thinking about him?
A lot of people subscribe to the old saying, “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” but when you have been involved in an unhealthy, high intensity relationship, trying to squeeze yourself into a new, normal healthy relationship is like going from a Ferrari to a tricycle, when you’ve got a need for speed. Nothing is going to compare. It can’t and all you’ll do is end up feeling worse. The main problem is that your ability to be in romantic relationships is impaired and you can’t fix your relationship issues, while you are in a relationship with anyone.
You’re Addicted to High Intensity Relationships
If you are stuck in a cycle of repeatedly breaking-up and getting back together, then you are addicted to the relationship. The peak of getting your partner back is like a heroin rush to your system. You are more than willing to put up with any valleys, just as long as you know there is a peak coming. This is akin to a drug addict, constantly on the edge waiting for their next hit. They’ll do anything and put up with anything, just as long as they know they’ll have that magical feeling at the end of it. It doesn’t make sense. It’s not rational, but it’s addiction driven.
High intensity relationships exist when both partners are afraid of intimacy and never have both feet in the relationship at the same time. It’s a never ending cycle of chasing, catching, and letting go….. Any normal relationship will feel incredibly boring compared to the rush this type brings. If you’re missing your abusive ex it’s because he or she brings out feelings that you’re used to experiencing. We like what we know and these feelings, even if they’re dysfunctional, feel like home.
This is the Time to Fix What Ails You
If you keep bouncing from one relationship to the other without doing any self-work, don’t be surprised if you keep attracting the same type of person. If you keep doing the same things you will keep getting the same results. This doesn’t mean, if your last guy had a blue collar job, you need to choose a guy with a white collar job, or if your last guy had blond hair and hated hockey, the next one you pick should have dark hair and love hockey. It’s not those kinds of differences that change the dynamics of your relationship. My long term Narcissist was a white collar worker and had long dark hair, bronze skin and dark eyes. My boomerang Narcissist had short blond hair, green eyes and was a blue collar worker. They couldn’t have been more different in personality – but they really were the same guy underneath it all.
Before you date anyone new, you need to make sure that you have gotten to the bottom of your childhood issues, learned new coping mechanisms, learned how to be mindful of your own thoughts and behavior and learned how to reprogram your brain, so that you aren’t consciously and subconsciously looking for that abusive partner that reminds you of the relationship you had with your primary caregivers. If you don’t fix this you will continue to exist at the same low emotional energy and you will continue to attract other low emotional energy people and events to you.
You’re using the New Person as a Distraction
The last thing a codependent wants to do is look at themselves. They’re so good at turning the spotlight on other people and giving their assessment of what’s wrong with them, but they’re terrible at turning it on themselves. Hooking up with someone else is a great distraction that allows them to keep their focus off of what’s really important – healing themselves. Taking care of themselves is such an alien concept to a codependent, the mere thought of it is extremely uncomfortable and can evoke quite a bit of fear. The easiest way to not have to deal with it is to take on someone else and whatever issues they might have.
Imagine too, that if you met a genuinely nice person, who was looking for a new partner, you went out a few times and everything seemed great, then for no apparent reason you dumped them because you’re not over someone else. You’ve just hurt them for reasons that have nothing to do with them and you’ve wasted their time, money and opportunity to meet someone, who was better suited to them. Wishing that someone new could take away your pain is highly unrealistic and puts an unfair burden on their shoulders.
Distracting yourself from your issues doesn’t make them go away. One could date 100 different people and the same issues would keep coming back. The thing that all your relationships have in common is you. You are the common denominator and until you get you healthy, dating is the last thing you should be doing. When you’re dating, you’re vulnerable and I’ve said it before – You can’t recover from your heroine addiction while you are still using heroine. Healthy relationships require trust and an ability to be open and connected to your feelings. If you keep ending up in the same kinds of relationships, with the same kinds of people stop dating, get you healthy, because when you are healthy, your world will be healthy.
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As an addict of both drugs and my ex N… I find these articles literally have been saving my soul. To know I’m not alone, to know I’m not insane, to know I have tools to rely on to cope with the trauma of the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the constant leaving and coming back is imperative.
It’s been 6 days, 5 nights and countless hours and minutes of torture as I go thru yet another epic break up. And of course it’s all my fault, I’m nuts (been told several times in the few texts I have received since he left after head butting me and telling me he slept with his 16 yr olds mother 2 weeks ago) and I should go find someone else. I was told that I need to find a better man a million times. Until I just read that line in this article (or one of the other several I’ve been perusing) I didn’t truly believe that he meant it.
I’m so full of anxiety and sadness but I keep telling myself that I felt the same exact way when we were together- most days anyway. Except of course when the heroin high was happening.
I can’t thank you enough for your insight. Oh and just to clarify- I am a recovering addict… of the drugs. Hopefully soon to be recovering from this awful intense sick situation.
Great article. I had the classic peak-and-valley relationship with a female NPD for just over a year, until it ended around the 4th of July – hopefully for good this time. There’s been no contact thus far, but from what I’ve read, it may be just a matter of time – although it won’t be me making contact. I’ve never been comfortable being alone, and I’m still tempted to get out on some dating websites, but so far have been successful in forcing myself to spend time trying to understand my codependency and just embrace having no one encroaching on my (still limited) boundaries. It’s tough, but getting easier every day. Anyway, thanks for the helpful and informative articles. It’s nice to know that I’m not really alone and others have had the same miserable experiences.
Ive gone on a couple casual dates, no one that really clicked, and it’s not because of the ex N, it just wasn’t there, nice guys, had mutual friends, but..I’ve been texting an old guy friend from school, thought, this is nice, haven’t heard from him abruptly for the past week after regular texts, just now, at 3 am, texted me, ” wanna have phone sex?”…..oh yes, that’s what I want to do, haven’t seen you in years, been texting, you disappear, and now say that? That’s what I’m looking for….geez. No response from me, no more contact. I’ve learned so much from this site, than you, than you. Ugh! I’m happy and have clarity and will not tolerate disrespect, but I’m not jaded and phone sex is fun…. with your partner. Red flags heeded!!
Thank you. This article is so right. I am male and recently, end June 2016, finally separated from my beautiful female narcissist. In the last 4 weeks of our “relation” – when in fact it was over already a longer time I tried to date other woman but when she wanted to come closer I could not and broke up – only realising that I was not free. I read a lot and analyse a lot and even my mind says” its over” I still have some thinking to to do. PS: My narc found already another enabler – bc I withdraw from her. Narc needs fuel.
I tried that the time before last when N blew up and withdrew, didn’t work. Was still uninformed, wanting him, and not heeding flags in new suitors. But this time, I’m not pining for him any more. I finally had enough. I’m not dating though, no desire right now, not because of N, just having fun with friends and family, with no stress, and no one has asked me out that I particularly want to date, red flags are being noticed, not that Im jaded, Im just ok now being me! It’s fun and feels so good to be free of the longing for someone who I now know, has NPD thanks to this site, and I plan on never engaging with another, since I’ve become enlightened! There are good people out there, you just need to trust your instincts and when you feel ready.
I’m very thankful for this site. Reading everyone comments has made me feel so much better and I’m not the only one. I am not ready to date, not sure if I ever will, because I was always told you are not whole if you aren’t with a man. Well I know that is as far from the truth as it could be. I am really discovering who I am and standing up for myself. I’m sure there are are many wonderful men out there but once you have been beaten down and mentally abused and lied to and cheated on and you lived in this fantasyland to stand by you man no matter what it would have to be some extraordinary situation to want to connect with a man again. I think many men are overly needy and manipulate women to fulfill their needs with little regard, respect for the woman. I see very few relationships of friends I would want to have. And my ex-narcissist has not been alone since he was 16. He’s 62 now and it was a few DAYS after I walked he was desperately seeking admiration, “love” and someone to service him. He acted like a fish out of water who couldn’t breathe. It was hilarious.
It’s ridiculous to assume that men are the only ones that can be the narcissist in a relationship. I just dated the ULTIMATE text book narcissist for about a year and she’s so codependent, she hopped back into dating a week after we broke up. This article and articles like these presume the man is the “jerk face”. Some of us are actually good guys caught up with horrible women.
Scott I usually delete comments about gender but yet again…sigh….no I do not assume that all Narcissists are women…yes I know that woman can also be narcissists….I started writing these articles for women…I realized quickly that men were also seeking answers and do generally write in a gender neutral style, but sometimes I may pick one gender or another for a particular post, or paragraph. I feel for what you are going through, but I’m sure you have the ability to get what you need from a post regardless of the gender of that particular piece.
Wow. I’ve read several articles and am floored. I thought I was involved with a narcissist. It was this person to a tee. The ignoring, the blaming, stating men in general wouldn’t like me and my negative attitude. Whenever I’d end it he would beg me to come back and I would. I knew I should have walked away after the first month but I didnt. I think back on conversations where he blamed his wife for his cheating….if she let him leave the house without sex it was her fault he found it somewhere else. Im still trapped trying to find the strength to do the no contact thing. I succeed then fail and do it all over again. This is a great website with amazing insight. I guess my problem is ping to be keeping the no contact but finding out why I stayed and how to avoid being here again. I thought being a giving person was a good thing.
Wow, powerful words, but well said, thankyou narctepellent x its exactly a year to the day that I last saw my narc & I’m feeling stronger every day, but I too have had no desire to date or even think about going near another man & are enjoying my own company again. No longer do I have to hide behind a mask & pretend to be someone else x
“…until you get you healthy, dating is the last thing you should be doing.”
When I left my narc two years ago, it seemed as though the universe tested me on this notion, because suddenly a number of men were available to me or came out of the woodwork. Just ONE WEEK after I kicked my narc of out the house, I met a man who (on paper) sounded and looked like the perfect man for me. Shortly afterward, a man who I had admired from afar and always thought was handsome happened to get a divorce around the same time I left my narc. Then an ex who I long carried a torch for moved close to my current city. You get the picture. The first year or so of being narc-free was a mess and did nothing to help my situation.
I passed and failed at some of these tests during this time. While I smartly said “no” to the man who asked me out one week after my break up (we’re close friends now) I made the mistake of dating the divorced man and then reconnecting with the old boyfriend. Even though I knew deep down that I wasn’t ready to date ANYONE, I did it anyway. For the distraction. To feel wanted. Or because it was fun for a moment.
But you know what? People like us – recovering co-dependents – should treat dating the way that alcoholics and drug addicts have to. I believe they are told while in recovery that they cannot date anyone for a year. A full year.
I finally took a true time-out from dating and took myself off the market. I stopped seeking men out, stopped thinking about dating. I embraced that I was not ready to date, said it and meant it. I stopped wanting a relationship. I started going out more with new friends or on my own and really enjoying the moment. Time passed and something magical happened: I now don’t want or need a relationship.
After spending REAL time alone and working only on myself and what is important to me, I recently reached that place where I feel OK — truly OK– with being single. This is quite a feat considering that I am a woman over 30, the demographic that receives constant pressure and messages that we MUST find a husband or else something is wrong with us. I no longer respond to such messages (whereas I did in my 20s, a lot).
When I tell people I’m fine being single (trust me, people ask and ASSUME I’m not OK), for the first time in my life I really mean it. I finally understand and believe that my worth as a person is not tied to whether or not I am married. During the past year, I have also met both women and men who have completely lost their identity in their marriages and romantic relationships, and I find it disturbing (years ago I would have been guilty of this behavior myself or considered it romantic).
I’m single, but for the first time I don’t feel alone or lonely.
I urge everyone on this forum to please take a time out from dating after you end things with your narc. We will all have a different time table for recovery, but don’t give in to the first man/woman you meet after you leave your narc, and don’t go seeking out a new person to get over your ex or when you’re feeling restless. It will only end badly, and it will only delay your recovery.
This could not have come at a better time. I felt healed enough to go back on a dating website and found someone who matched me almost perfectly (on paper.) We have a date for lunch tomorrow (which is coincidentally Valentine’s Day)and it will be the first time meeting in person. This article has come as a warning to take things slow and not fall into a trap of my own making. As soon as I was asked out, my ex-narc’s merciless memory reared its ugly head and I started wishing he’d text or want to get back together. I think this “desire” is just a form of fear of the unknown and in its sadistic way, just me reacting to this fear and seeking out comfort. The sad part is that the high’s and low’s of my past relationship were predictable and comfortable. So I will give this guy a fair shake and not give into my fear and break my N/C. Nor will I go too far the other way and ignore my gut about the new guy (if I see red flags).
N contacted me again via another email account. I am celebrating the fact that my reaction now is total disinterest and repulsion. I used to live for his text and emails as validation. I wanted to know he wanted me. Now i just go about my business with no second thought to him at all. Bleck to him i say!!
Saphire, I have felt that guilt with my older kids too. I went off five states away from my barely 18 year old with Mr. N-pants. Oh how he revolts me now. Anyway, here are my thoughts and what worked for me. Yes i lost credibility and i hurt my kids. Yes even at their age they felt abandoned. But i decided that my feeling guilty and ashamed was not going to be productive. I came and went back to N several times and i know they judged me and held it against me. But if they saw me weak, and they did in their mind, then now was the time to see me strong. I had to believe in myself that i did the best i could at the time. Life is full of mistakes and they will make plenty in their life too. So show them how to recover from a mistake and grow strong again. Let them see you grow stronger every day. Don’t apologize for every misstep. You aren’t going to be perfect. I had to really watch what promises i made though as like you i broke many. Don’t feel guilty. Guilt is no good for moving forward. Hugs
Sav,
Do you have any advice on how to approach new relationships? Im 8 months out of my N relationship and I still feel so traumatized. It makes me mad to know that he’s affected me so deeply that Im afraid to let my guard down and trust another man’s affections towards me.
Ive been on a few dates with a new guy, but Im concerned hes showing some early signs of N. He’s expressing high intensity feelings towards me very quickly. I can appreciate someone who can express feelings, but can someone genuinely have strong feelings for another after a week?! For me, it feels forced to reciprocate.
Without trying to give this guy a therapy session, I asked him if hes ever had an intimate relationship–he said no. And, his longest relationship was 3 years on-and-off. Said he gets bored easily and he picks the wrong women. I’m trying to learn from my past and find a relationship that grows over time.
Is there a way to ‘test’ someone to see if they’re narcissistic, OR does it just come out over time? I don’t want to necessarily jump the gun and run from the situation. I don’t know if its my bruised heart being overly cautious or if Ive met another N.
Help!
I have not dated since my N walked out on our 28 yr marriage for his mistress 1 year ago. Everyone tells me I need to get back on the horse but I’m not ready. I’m scarred, my heart is hard and I’m not sure there are not many men out there that would want me while I’m carrying all this baggage. I haven’t been no contact with my N because we have children together but I’ve only seen him twice because of divorce court appearances. Thankfully he still makes me want to vomit in my mouth when I’ve had to talk to him and I have no desire to have him back in my life. I feel like an inmate released from prison —- I’m free!! Why sully it and chance another N walking into my life. This thinking is why I’m not ready for a new relationship. Still a work in progress….
On a side note, I remember those highs in my marriage, always waiting for the next one to come. Your right it is like an addiction – that feeling of I WON!! Living for that adrenaline rush, it’s a vicious circle. I’m grateful to be free of that circle as well.
This article is so spot on. Every time we broke up and actually enough time went by that I thought maybe I could just meet someone else, I immediately knew I wasn’t ready. I knew that I would compare everyone to him, and even if they were wonderful in every aspect, they just couldn’t compare. Because even though jerkface hurt me so much, just one text or call from him would make my heart skip a beat, and this new guy would be forgotten.
So i wasn’t looking for anyone, I was trying to get over it, simmer in my time alone and actually enjoyed it. I then figured out that the best recipe is to do the fun things I couldn’t do with him while we were together (salsa dancing, he didn’t like it, and of course I couldn’t go without him, going out, etc) and make friends. So i went on dating sites, made it clear that I was just looking for friends and activity partners to hike with, or run, etc. And it worked, I made a few nice new friends. Of course he always sensed that I was ready to move on and danced himself back into my life, but at least I didn’t waste anyone’s time.
I was going to leave today, and go back home and try and fix myself and my relationship with my older children. I was having doubts about leaving but was going to go. When I woke to go to airport our 1yr old was sick and and had high fever. I immediately rescheduled flight for 2 weeks from now but now regret not just getting on that plane today. I was looking for any excuse not to leave. What a coincidence the baby got sick. Now Ive disappointed my older 2 kids yet again by making the wrong decision. I need help and don’t know how to get the courage to leave for good this relationship is not healthy and I feel like I’ve lost myself. Became the worst version of myself. Now I know I just want to get back to my kids in ny and work on that relationship and on myself. I’ve been away from them 5 months. That’s 5 months too long I hope they’ll forgive me when I get back there they’re 18 and 15 . I hope I can do this and make things right with them. I’ve also hurt so many people in the process I don’t know how I’m gonna do this.
It is so encouraging to hear your words of truth.My N is 53 and I just found out he is dating a CU student. I’m devastated but I also feel bad for her because he is still in touch with me. This is truly the most difficult challenge I have had in my life and your words are so helpful. Thank you Savannah
Great advice. If it’s been a relationship with anyone of over two years and particularly with a roller coaster N it’s time to get centered and nurture oneself. Yes, many of us enjoy being sought after, wined and dined. But it doesn’t work if it’s too soon. Now’s the chance to do what only singles can do — reconnect with your strongest interests, hobbies, loves, friends and pets. No compromising while you heal and gain perspective which only comes with time.
Recreate your nest to provide comfort and beauty. You’re not wasting time. You’re creating a healthy environment within and without. You’ll look back & be proud of your reflection. Even thru tears one can become more authentic, interested and attractive. You are the source of the light in your world.
I am in a state of semi hibernation right now. I get out and shop, go to an occasional play or concert or movie with family members or close friend. But I’m not ready for my old social life just yet. My codependent habits went beyond romantic relationships, i also struggled with friendships. So before i participate again in any of it, i want to be stronger. Should i be worried that i have absolutey no interest in men at all right now? No interest in men, sex or dating at all. I have no longing for him at all. For that I’m grateful. It took me nearly 2 years to get there. I broke no contact after 3 months only because he enticed me with money he owes me. I guess i have to come to terms with retrieving any money from him is not worth the price it will cost me. Sigh. I’m hoping in the future i will open up to a good man at some point. But I’m pretty happy on my own right now. I guess i just got too tired of arguing with someone over my every single move. From how to fry bacon to what to wear to when to go home to visit family to how to decorate a room. The control was incredible! ! I’m free! !
This is so spot on and really hit home with me. Going back to the last time me and the Narc broke up about 3 years ago. I met a new guy quickly and really liked him. He didn’t seem narcish (but who knows). I moved too fast with him and then what happened is exactly what you describe above..After a night of being close to the new guy, it was like I freaked out and reached out to my ex after being ok for about 2 months. That brought on a reconciliation and I not very nicely cut off the new guy. Not proud of that at all but I felt so stupid. He knew what a jerk the ex was. And here I am 3 years later, broke up with the narc about 2 months ago he moved out. Getting back together was a bad mistake but I am much wiser now. I am really dealing with my issues this time and I think that is key. I will not get involved with anyone for quite a while and I am ok with that. I look forward to building my self esteem and getting to really know myself. Thanks Savannah, wish I had had this info a few years ago but it all happens for a reason.
I can’t thank you enough for this advice. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. I know it won’t be easy but I understand why it’s necessary. I gain courage and hope from all those who have gone before me and walk beside me. Thank you.
Hi Savannah,
Can’t remember the date but it was around April? May? last year, I emailed you to let you know that your site had so encouraged me I was leaving the N for good. It was my way of giving me my own notice by letting someone significant in this world of N recovery know of my intentions.
Well, I did it July 31st 2015, and although I had the wobbles at the beginning, I thank God he had moved on already, he was not coming back.
It’s 6 months counting. What do you know, just last week he made contact to say he was embarrassed, humiliated he had made a mistake. No thanks. I had the last laugh then!
Life is drama-free. Noone is acting like the sky is about to fall down around our ears every day over every little thing. Trials come but handled calmly and methodically with no whirlwind of discombobulation in my head.
Anyway, just thought you ought to know you made a difference in my life. Thank you. And to encourage everyone here that although very very bleak at first, life becomes expansive, clean, and whole after a time.
As for dating, I have given myself up to a year at least to heal and get stable in my mind and emotions before I can even think about dating.
Thank you again Savannah for your words of wisdom and understanding.
Lots of love everyone.
I want to let you know- I look forward to your blogs. I feel like speak directly to me. The hardest part I have had was unraveling the lies. I believed what he said. I learned after 5 years living together as soon as I moved out. Someone else moved in. It’s been almost a year, I still find myself grieving despite the pain he caused me. How could he just replace me so fast? How can someone live in the house we shared? How can I be nothing to me. I find myself still confused from who I thought HE was to who he actually was. This weeks article I felt as though you wrote if to me. I can’t wait until I am healed. This has been the worst emotional abuse and the funny thing is .. I didn’t even know it was happening to me. Thank you again, for your blog.
Wow! I loved this one! I felt like I was at church and the Pastor was preaching to me. It’s been 14 mo and I still feel lost without him. It was a love addiction but how can someone say they love you and move on to the next target so fast. He always had one in no time and each and every time I begged him to come back to me. Why?? I was addicted to him!! My Narc would tell me what I wanted to hear and I believed it! I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me but what was the point. I knew that it was for the best. Nobody is supposed to hurt the one they love. He did this to me four times before I finally got it. He only cares about himself and his needs. I feel sorry for the woman he is with now. I’m waiting to see how that one turns out. Yes, I hurt but I’m free to live again…in time.
This post was so interesting to read and oh so true..
I have taken time out after my experience with a boomerang narc which has helped me tremendously. I am such a stronger person who now is cautious and doesn’t jump into anything.. I’m no longer scared to voice my opinion or to walk away from an uncomfortable situation. I realise what I want now and what I am looking for in a partner.. If they don’t have those special qualities or are not willing to treat me with the love, care, trust and respect I derseve then they are not for me.. forwards!!..
If you are happy and content with your life then the rest will come.. I think when we stop chasing the wrong things it gives a chance for the good things to catch us.. 🙂
Oh…breaking the habit. Hard to do. But I have really worked on myself the last six months and am discovering that I am getting my old self back. I do things with family and friends, reading more, started sewing again, knitting again and enjoying life.
But here is my question…why does it scare me so much to be alone. I guess “alone” isn’t the right word…I have so many people in my life. But it really scares me to think that I don’t have a man, don’t have someone to sleep with, and crave a manly compliment. It’s such conditioning. How to I recondition to where I am “okay” doing what I do.
Hi Rewind,
I have also been making an earnest effort at internal work for several months. Mostly small steps to keep myself grounded and incorporating basic self-care habits.
But last night I had a very unsettling dream of my ex. I have actually managed long, wonderful stretches of not thinking of him in “real life” — so this dream caught me off guard. He was with his current wife, and they were working together to ban and exclude me, and basically thwart my progress in moving forward with my life.
In the light of day, I see how irrational this dream is. It’s been three years, and I have managed complete N/C during this time (including keeping him blocked from all social media for over a year, and no cyber stalking). This was so hard at first…but essential in my self-care and healing.
But I believe the unwelcomed dream is significant because it points to some deep-seated fears of abandonment and being alone from my childhood.
I spoke with Sav last week — not about my ex, but about some very hard and painful questions about my upbringing. Let’s just say I’m a survivor. 🙂
As disturbing as the dream was, I now see it as a message from my subconscious self that the little girl inside me still needs compassion and patience. Feels like those fears I had as a child that were consistently invalidated (and often punished) need to finally be acknowledged in the light of day so they can heal.
What finally brought me to contacting Sav last week is a fear that as a parent, I am repeating those harmful patterns of my childhood with my own kids, keeping the cycle of abuse going.
But, I’m also figuring out that I still need to take care of that frightened child inside myself. Your own post has helped me today. I was worried the dream was some kind of albatross from my past coming to haunt me. But now I see it as an opportunity to acknowledge decades-old fears with the strength and compassion of an adult.
But easier said than done! Here’s to taking better care of ourselves, no matter what fears we face.
This is exactly what I did! I thought you were talking about me! I did meet a guy within two weeks and I wouldn’t recommend it BUT I got lucky and this man is wonderful and he is ‘boring’ which is perfect! No drama just a peaceful loving relationship and I have continued to read and study and go to counseling for my issues. I love reading this blog to stay aware of my past. I’m 8 months out from my Narc and healing.
So true, & another reminder why its so important to begin to love yourself again first! Its almost a year since I distanced myself from a narcisstic relationship, & I still couldn’t bear the thought of being with anyone else, even though I dont want to go back to what I was used to, & would rather be on my own. I had a friend who recently went through a string of guys after separating from her narcisstic husband because she’d basically never gone without having a man or being in a relationship, which I could never get my head around, but I guess that’s why she’s now taken him back too, but everyone is different I suppose
Soooo agree!! Plus i feel so raw after my N relationship i have no interest whatsoever. For that I’m grateful. I’m not bitter, just enjoying the peace and quiet after the chaos. And very much recognize the need to work on myself and at 56 it isn’t going to be a quick process.
Always an inside job
I gotta do the work
Thank you Savannah
Dear Savannah
Once again Thank you very much for your always inspiring and helpful blogs. I have been NC with my boomerang N for 3 months and I have never felt better. I have started to practice selfcare and is getting better at making my addictions conscious.
I have a Q about this article. I have a wise friend that was married to a psycho for 12 years. She recommends to start casually dating nice guys – Even though they are “boring” to codependants with a relationship addiction. I am seeing a guy at the moment.. he is really nice, smart, well-educated etc but yes, boring. But I feel like myself with him.. because he has No problems i can “fix”. And it is exciting to experience myself with a normal caring guy. I am very conscious about still being a “sober alcoholic” and i have told this guy of my abusive ex and that i need to take everything reallu slow. It also feels like practising being honest instead of lying about my feelings and what i need. What do you think about this approach to renovery? Do you still recommend not dating?
Lots of love.