None is this is fair. You didn’t deserve the way you were treated, or the way you were discarded and now you have to watch as they just pick up with someone else, like you never even existed. No one is disputing the validity of your feelings. What they have done is appalling and you’re not wrong to wonder, “What the hell is wrong with them?”
You’re the one that supported them, loved them, and took care of them. You sacrificed so much of yourself and your dreams for them and now they get to run around happy and in love with someone else. You need answers, because you just can’t believe this has happened to you.
“Why her and not me?” Or, “What does he have that I don’t?” These are normal feelings to have when we experience betrayal. What we want most is to watch this next relationship blow up in their faces, so we can say, “See I told you so. I told you, you were the one that was f’d up not me.” When we’re in that vulnerable state of mind, we need that validation. We can feel better by understanding that they are sick people and that’s why they’ve done this to us.
But what happens when that new relationship gets serious, when they start shacking up, or you get word that they’re getting married, or God forbid, they announce the arrival of a little one? Now this usurper has just stepped into the relationship that you wanted, that you were promised. They just stole what you worked so hard for and your ex acts like they’ve just been born again. “What the hell? You ask. “How is this possible?” “Why wasn’t I enough?”
Why They Stay With the Other Woman/Man
Understand that the emotions of a Narcissist are superficial. They don’t run too deeply and everything that you’ve experienced in your relationship with them was a mirage and any subsequent relationship will fare no better, regardless of what it looks like right now on the outside. People that use others, exploit for their own gain, lie, cheat, cause harm and try to destroy those they once claimed to have loved, are not normal. Never underestimate their powers of justification. They are cowards and would rather run for the hills than take responsibility or admit they’re at fault.
It makes perfect sense for anyone who’s experienced their brand of betrayal to try and make sense of what’s happened. It’s so devastating and so traumatic that we need and want to understand why they did what they did to us and what their behavior means. Why do they stay with their new partner? We have to know. We are obsessed with the need to understand. Here are a few reasons why they might stay in their new relaitonship:
They have built up a substantial belief, in their minds, that everything wrong in their life was your fault. This new partner is a fresh slate, unaware of who they really are and what they’ve done. The new partner is fully trusting and they now have the chance to prove themselves right (that it was all your fault).
What they’ve done to you is so horrific and you know they know this because they have given up everything to be with the other woman – all your mutual friends, possessions, and maybe even their own children. They fear the judgement of others, so they walk away completely and stay with the new partner, because in their mind it proves just how right the new relationship is and how right they were to leave you.
They live for one-upmanship. Look, they’ve got someone new and you don’t. They win. They win. Oh and the fact that you are still pining for them….winning.
They live in some kind of fantasy land, where they are looking for this magical ideal love and them staying with the new partner proves to everyone that they’ve found it. They had to leave you – it was for the sake of true love – you understand.
Sometimes they stay because the new partner is way better at catering to their needs than you are. They are way better at putting them first, puffing them up, denying their own needs and treating them like the king or queen that they are. You were starting to get resentful and actually had the gull to express your discontent.
Another reason they might stay is because they are getting older and aren’t feeling as pretty or special, the way they used to. The idea of trolling for new supply isn’t quite as appealing, because it leaves them open for rejection which is much more likely now that they’re not so fresh.
Sometimes they stay because their new partner has something they value – money, status, career, fame, beauty…whatever the reason might be, it makes them feel special and they aren’t going to give that up too easily.
They have completely blown up their life with you to the point where they know they can never come back. They can’t apologize or admit wrong-doing and they can’t be alone, so they’ve got to make the best of the situation they’ve created.
The truth is that whether or not they’re happier with someone else is really irrelevant to you and your journey. The key is getting to the place where you know that this relationship wasn’t right for you. It wasn’t meant for you and that that door is now closed. Don’t spend your life waiting and watching for their relationship to fall apart. Turn your focus inward and realize that this was a lesson you needed to learn. We learn more from our pain than we ever will from our triumphs and you needed this wake-up call. You needed to learn where you were not being honest and true to yourself. You were not living to your full potential and now you are free to heal and learn how to be authentically you. Now you get to figure it all out. That’s the truth – your truth. All this heartache really is a blessing. Don’t envy the new partner. You know all about what’s ahead of him or her and the lesson that’s coming to them because you are further along the path than they are, they will figure it all out eventually. Trust the Universe and put all of your energy on your new chapter. It’s a good time to be you. Just wait and see.
Your Comments!!!!!!!!
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Every word is true. I left my narc 18 months ago, after a 10 year on and off again relationship. He struggled to find a replacement right away, even though he was already back up on a dating site when I left. He finally found another woman (older) about a year ago to cater to his needs. He is pushing 70, and does not get the “hits” online that he once had 10 years ago. He is also bisexual, but deeply closeted. Even though he may end up staying with her for his lifetime, she will suffer as he will inevitably exploit her flaws, there’s no way he won’t begin to dissect her imperfections. he has done it with all the women he has been with. The hurt takes a while to diffuse, especially when he has someone who cares for him, and I do not. I befriended a man about a year ago, we generally only spoke to on the phone. I was recently deceived by him, and realized he was another narc when he berated, and verbally slaughtered me because I rejected becoming the notion of becoming anything more than friends. In fact, I think he is a psychopath/narc. So I’m done. I am not looking to dat anyone online.. I honestly believe internet dating is composed of a cesspool of narcs, psychopaths, and sociopaths. Best to accept and embrace single hood, and fulfill yourself rather than wasting time with men who are self centered, emotionally selfish, and abusive.
You don’t know how much I needed to read this today.
Spot friggin on it just hurts seeing what little regard she has for the kids am still claims they are number one :/
Randomly found this site and just wanted to leave a comment for anyone who might need it. I am almost four years out from being discarded by a narc after an 11 year relationship. I originally tried to end it two years before, but I was foolishly sucked back in as I was not aware of what a narcissist even was. However, in my gut, I knew and could feel, the disrespect and that I was being replaced. I ignored all the red flags: he denied the multiple instances of cheating (even with evidence), lied and projected and yet, I went back, falling for the promises and slight changes – hoping for better.
While he claimed to be in therapy (lies), and I was under the impression that we were working on this relationship (lies), he was actually busy securing someone else. I asked for the truth, offering an out, but no, still promises. However, within a year of a divorce, and only eight months of meeting (online history shows this is not true), he was married to the new supply, a foreign woman in another country. He brought her to the US, to the very same town and house, where she had never even met his kids/family. They are now expecting a baby. Needless to say, this did not go over well with his previous children. I am sure he thinks he looks like he has an amazing new life, as appearances cover his insecurities, but he is a sad man, trying to avoid the inevitable mid-life, failures, and deeply unseeded unhappiness of childhood – a typical narcissist.
It has taken a lot of time to stop ruminating on the “what I could have done” or “why didn’t he choose me”? But it is not me. It is him. This is the damage they do to us. Do not give them this control! Realize they are horrible people and do not waste any more time giving them control and your time – even when they are out of your life! And know, they are going to repeat this same pattern. I was number 2 and stupid to think I was any different from number 1. Poor number 3!
That was such a lovely read and it even bought a tear to my eye at the end about learning the lesson and getting a wake up call. Yes it has been very painful!! I am amazed that I haven’t used any mind altering substance to get through the divorce, just relied and cried out to God who has got me through this devastating time….5 years on and I am still on the journey of healing while ex is “happily married” Im trying to let go and be mature when it comes to his illogical ways of communicating drop offs, wants me to do drop off at his new wife’s house and keeps mentioning wife, its laughable really how much of a reaction he wants from me and acknowledgement but i could care less coz i know the narcy shit that came with it so they are welcome to each other!
These narcs are cut from the same cloth but empaths are rising and empowering!!
This wondering Why I wasn’t enough is never ending…. It lingers for years after the discard. :/
Hello Jur,
I fully understand your comment, and am right there with you…
We will all heal..They know what they have done and they are miserable souls..
There were so many times I thought I could not go on, because I was broken to the core … I realized I (me) had to stop this crazy Person from hurting me anymore…
The strangest part about being with a narc is how we forget the horrific things that have been done to us by them and still long for them to return …
I still after months think of him every day … what keeps me going is my kids , and knowing God will fight our battles and only wonderful amazing things are in store for our future;)
Hugs
Read STEPHANIES comments below if you want to see how a text book NARC tires to Gaslight her former supply. Lol .. Guys take notice, she still dissin this guy well after the fact. First time you catch your girl doing that to her friends, family, or coworkers, or you here about it from someone.. There’s your sign. Bounce quick, they will pull the “whops, Im pregnant ” on you if you are young enough and have a lot going for you, and they think your getting ready to drop there ass for good.. Take it from me. Its happened to me TWICE with to different women. One I was trying to break up with but married like an idiot, to try and do the “right” thing, after she told me.. And another I was married to who refused to take any birth control for years,(was using the old pull out method lol) then when I realized what kind of person I was actually married to she all the sudden changed her mind about the birth control. BAM.. a couple months later, she’s pregnant. Made up all kinds of lies about when she was told she was pregnant, why her pills didn’t work because she took an antibiotic, which by the way is a bullshit excuse guys. Go ask any doctor they will tell you. So I have four kids by 2 women and only intended on 2 of them. The other two were conceited out of the most disgusting manipulation a woman can do, and these were both educated attractive women, from conservative families, who could have easily moved on and had another relationship. Now days if you meet an attractive woman who is educated. Its about a 90% chance she has strong narcissistic tendencies, and probably a quarter of those are actual Psychopaths, who aren’t just looking for supply, but a victim. Social media is a great predictor!
Oh so true and thanks for this post I went back a second time as well after his first replacement failed after seven months then was treated terribly all over and started seeing it coming again , I was upset because here I had stayed single healed a bit and then the dreaded hoovering call about oh I miss you baby we had fun lets date no strings just an excuse to use me all over. I am now in my eighth month of being done awful just before hollidays and about had a mental break in fact maybe I did Ive now been with a wonderful therapist for trauma etc and seeing the light but often find myself ruminating and feeling envious of what she gets after staying sixteen years no marriage so I walked with nothing but low esteem and worth and that feeling of shame. I shared a daughter with him although she was not his he groomed her and basically told her all sorts of lies etc bought her everything just to keep her away and I could not get her back for nothing it almost killed me as her mother she was not his. Now i am about fifteen minutes away from him and the new supply the home we had just got he purchased so it was not mine but he told me it was our future and i bought in to the bs lies. His family friends and everyone he tells his wild stories about how awful I was know nothing of me that is hard as I lost all that as well his kids especially turned on me after helping them with wedding rehearsal dinners me being the slave in the kithchen and planner to just dinners I fixed for all etc but in end the abused one gets the slap. I am desparately trying to move from my state of many years and was actually done living here just before fallilng in to his arms for sixteen years. Yes I am lonley alot but also not ever ready to choose a Narc again so I keep healing educating and remaing the person I always was Loyal compassionate empathetic and I have realized that my codepencency might have caused me to always attract narcs but I now have the power and knowledge to run before ever settling in to that hell. I hope to one day help many others that found this in Life because I know what it feels like.
Bottom line these these premature brained predators do not have EMPATHY! Not worth doing any harm to yourself over.
My partner of 20 years was having 2 affairs he was 45 she 21 year old Lithuanian coffee waitress. We have 2 children we had been living in static caravan whilst having big extension on house in that time we found out our 17 year old had a concealed pregnancy she was 36 weeks pregnant she had baby 10 days later
We moved back into lovely house on a friday all happy on the monday said wanted 10 day separation was in shock went straight to her .he set her up in a flat and left when grandson 8 weeks old .this was August 2013.from the sept he wanted to come back kept turning up everyday.in the August he took her on our holiday to Portugal saw pictures on instagram. Feb 2014 bought me Valentine’s card with always and forever. Then found out they engaged still promised to come back then she got pregnant in may.Children devastated lost my job 2 stone in weight and my mind.he is now with her and baby in house 1 mile away 4 years on i am broken and lonely totally discarded trapped looking after grandson he pays everything but super happy with girl 23 years younger who is nasty posts happy photos cat that got the cream my past and future destroyed wanted to die but for the kids heart still hurts.went to councillor said a narcissist. Heart still hurts pain unbearable.
Your blogs have helped me understand my failed relationships with men and my childhood with my parents. I no longer feel the need to seek a man in my life who doesn’t treat me right and who doesn’t deserve me. I always thought of myself as strong… but since starting to read your blog two years ago, I am even stronger. I am happy with myself and have divested myself of negative, life-sucking people. I do what I want, when I want and only have to answer to myself. I not egotistical, I am authentic. I am being the real, self-confident me. Yes I do hope to find a caring, real man someday. But I am ok with me finally. Thank you Savannah!!!
I noticed that mainly men seem to fall in the narcissist category, but im a man that has been for 3 years with a narcissist woman. This website has described what ive been going through for so long . Im so happy to know that im not crazy and that others have been throught the same thing. I can descibe the pain and suffering i have experienced over the last 3 years. Now that i look back i see everything. Im self esteem, my whole since of self was destroyed and shattered. I work on a boat and gone for 28 days at a time. I bought a house , and worked very hard to provide a home for my ex and her daughter. From the very beginning it was all a con. She talked me into buying the home, during the honey moon stage of our relationship. Then just 2 weeks after moving in she cheated on me with the neighbor arcoss the street. Not only did she cheat on me with him but also his brother and 2 more of the men that live there. They all i thought were my friends and all of them on my two weeks home off the boat , acted like they were. I had a gut feeling that something was going on but didnt listen to myself. This went on for over 2 years . She never admitted to it. I had enough smarts about to to leave and now im waiting on the eviction notice to come through so she will leave my home so i can sell it. She has done everything in her power to make me feel like it was all my fault and also hurt me in anyway she can. She never once apologized. Ive have not spoken to her in 5 weeks and she has done nothing but hurt me the entire relationship but i dont why i still think about her and she still holds control over my mind. Ive did everything in the world for this woman and it was never good enough. She tore me down to the point i didnt even know who i was anymore. Made me belive i was crazy, ugly, fat, stupid , never would or could do anything of use. I have tried so hard to understand it . Drove myself nuts wondering what i had done to deserve being treated this way. Im so glad that i found out what a narcissist is and this website. I do have some closer now knowing that this is a personality disorder and im not the only one going through something like this. Im am trying to move on with my life and everyday gets a little better. I know now that i deserve better and that life is not over. That i will eventually find a great woman that appreciates me. Life will get better . I never reliazed how much negativity and drama this woman put into my life until now. She constantly had to have drama in her life. Never could there be any peace . I still struggle with wanting to call or text her but i know that she is just going to hurt me if i do so. She thrives off my pain as well as others in her life. I am just waiting on the day she finally leaves my home so i can really know that im free. If i could just forget all the horrible things she has done to me. So hard to understand why someone i loved so much treated me so poorly and why i put up with it for so long and why its so hard to let it go. Thanks for this website. It has really helped me.
Oh, Ladies, your narcy-ex is not happy believe me.
They are just acting while they are miserable as fu**.
Also they know this show of happiness will hurt you so they pretend to be happily in love, while they are probably already bored with the new woman, hating her for being such an easy prey (uhh, they like to hunt don’t they- it turnes them on like nothing else if they will eventually “get” you).
Remember: nothing they “feel” is real so there is no way they can experience true happiness.
Don’t fall for their magic show because that is all it is: a trick, an illusion.
As soon as I saw the light I realized how funny he is with his show of being happily in love- whenever that stupid FB profile picture (a photo he exclusively took just for me to rub into my face btw. lol- such a desperate nutjob) of his new supply and him pops into my head I have to laugh out loud.
He is indeed a real comedian. 😀
You will all get stronger and with NC will also see the funny side of it.
His new victim- yeah poor thing but I warned her and if she stays with this abuser non the less she must be pretty crazy (or needy…whatever) herself.
I don’t know why all you girls don’t care about his ending up in misery and broke.Some of you are so nice that you even care about saving “the new woman.” Who cares. She doesn’t exist to me. I can’t stand that he’s always winning in the eyes of the outside world. Nice family, young wife and alao a daughter! Successful in business bc he cheated on his resume about his qualifications.
Everything I’m reading tonite is hitting me like a brick. It’s been my life for 4 yrs. He was a prince in the beginning and I was hooked. Then everything was about him: How good he was at work, how he was an invented, how he cooked like a chef, how he was faster at things then me. I rolled with it because I thought he had low self esteem and I wanted to help. I am now alone and he is with a new girl. I have been a complete mess and the. I found this site. Holy fricken cow it woke me up and helped to start making sense. I thought he loved me as much as I’m,over him but. Now know it was a complete act to pull me in tight. Thank God I never got peace to marry him.
I think the only reason a narcissist gets serious and stays with the new person is simply because he found a new victim who is willing to put up with his bs even more than I was. Or that he upped his game and has blinded her even more than previous victims and it will take her longer to realize.
these people don’t change. We broke up just a little over a year ago. He tried to come back 3 months later and then in 3 months. I made it very clear that I wasn’t up for that. Up until that point he wasn’t even serious about getting into a relationship with someone, thinking I’ll probably forgive him for sleeping around (we did break up after all) but a relationship would be too much.
So after the second time when I flat out rejected him and made him feel pretty stupid, he quickly got to “work” and found a girl, a perfect supply. Someone who is similar to me. Smart, but ready to fall in love, and is willing to put up with his bullshit. Probably the first time with a narc so she will have to go through the same journey as me. I feel sorry for her but I can’t get involved and save her.
What I do know is that he can’t, he won’t change, he is who he is. The verbal and emotional abuse, and everything these people do will still be there, he can’t hide it.
So God bless them, hope they’re happy, I really hope that she will survive this and come out stronger and wiser, like I did. I know he’s miserable and lonely, living with a war in his head and he will always be that disturbed person.
“They have completely blown up their life with you to the point where they know they can never come back. They can’t apologize or admit wrong-doing and they can’t be alone, so they’ve got to make the best of the situation they’ve created.”
Oh, that is the one I knew.
He got himself a new victim FAST (within WEEKS- while he was still trying to hoover me back, which his new victim does know nothing about of course)- and made sure to rub her into my face trying to evoke some kind of jealousy when all I’ve really felt was pity for her as he already used her as an triangulation object and this says everything about how much he “loves” (to use) her.
Narcs are so sad creatures- I can laugh about it now but back then, when he rubbed his new supply into my face, I was furious. 😀
Maybe in some other life I’ll see him. lol
artis,
Be kind to yourself. Dwelling in the past we have all done, it seems part of the healing process. I had to move at my own pace and i finally got to the point where i want to take care of myself; not that I should or need to (even though I did need to as my health was suffering). I am not sure what I am trying to say but be kind to yourself Don’t sit still too long, move forward bit by bit. Love and hugs
Thank you for some of the posts Ive just read today.They have truly helped me to realise I am dwelling on the past. I am on a waiting list for counselling.xx
OH AND LADIES! He tried to Triangle me with another women. Whom was in his harem and jealous of me because he had me, and still does, on a pedestal! Which I don’t need any man to put me on because I love myself enough to put me first to begin with.
I brushed It Off like we’re having a regular conversation. Didn’t mention her name but made a nice compliment and moved on. He did this because I mentioned an ex and remembering his birthday, but why do you care anyways bro because you’re not single and I am. If somebody tries to Triangle you that should be the first means to discard that idiot. Why fight for him, when there are plenty of good health men in this world available. Fight for being a healthy woman!!!! You’ll be successful love and let love beautities!
Note: be very cautious and careful how you deal with an NAR if he displays signs of extreme jealousy, abuse, revenge, isolation, stalking or a bad temper! Follow your gut feeling!
I really enjoyed reading each comment. My Narc has gotten on my VERY last nerve. I’m a October baby and we have both feminine and masculine qualities, which means we can’t tolerate much and after a while grow tried and ready for something different and fresh.
I have lost my feelings for my Narc December 2015, yup you heard that right but my sexual attraction/appetite was what keep me around longer. Now that’s gone too. Yes, I still did experience pain and let down. But as I’ve grown tried so did my efforts. I stopped contacting him on holidays, then his birthday, to barely responding to his texts, to not flirting anymore, now after sex this passed week and his dissing me when I needed help, I’m done! And surprisingly not as upset, got over it 2 days top this time.
I do not argue anymore and I wish he would stop contacting me. I don’t give a flying F if he meets someone new, better her than me. He is on his 3rd marriage and treats her horrible. As she walks around mean mugging everyone, this jerk is still dicking down every willing participant. He’s a misable, unhappy, lying, jealous, crazy butt lol. I wish her the best and the next woman (s), SO WHAT??!!?
I am am more than ready for a new man and will diss the crap out of him the next time he reaches out. IM DONE with these games and crazy making. There are trillions of people in this world, love yourself bc it is NOT that damn serious. Move on and get yourself a new life and ENJOY YOURSELF, its possible. And I already made plans to be flown out of town next month my another wealthy man.
Good luck to that miresable liar, I know he wishes I didn’t know he was married, so he can pretend to be running around like a free bachelor, living the life. Lol, but no your married and I am the single goddess running around living the life. I have reached my breaking point the sex doesn’t even feel good anymore. I’m sure he’ll be with wife #4 before we know it AND SO WHAT! GOODBYE. Don’t feel bad lady’s these man are misable and will never change free yourself and LOVE, LIVE, LAUGH!
Stronger Today, good on you. Go, Go, Go from strength to strength! Having goals is essential. I totally agree with your comments about age. And I too found many answers here.
You make a good point about illness. I didn’t even recognise the cause until the next woman came along and the whole lot blew up in my face. Yes, it’s tough but only then did I start to understand and realised I needed to do something drastic about it and about me. Yes, I feel sorry for her but there’s nothing I can do.
I’ve said before here that, when I felt sad or jealous thinking about them, which I did at first, it helped to think instead about any normal couple I knew. That seemed calming.
Today, I’ve serviced the engine in my hobby vehicle by myself for the first time and have a glowing sense of achievement. Girls’ schools in the 1960s didn’t teach such skills but now I am learning them. It’s never too late.
Each one of us is unique and wonderful.
I also will share that those 8 years aged me about 20+ years. You can see the pain on my face. But when I look in the mirror I see a unique woman. A woman who survived. I am not attractive as I once was, I look older than my years now (57) but I am me and I am more beautiful inside than most people can even imagine. Please do not give up due to age, what you perceive to be your so called “beauty”. You do not need a man/woman. You are good enough.
I haven’t commented in a long time but have still been reading. I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that if your self worth is in the toilet, if you are still “possessed” by your N, seek help now. Skype with Savannah, go to a mental health clinic, whatever you can afford.
Make a commitment today to take care of you and LET THEM GO. You truly are MUCH better off than them and much better off without them. I am 2 years 6 months no contact with my N. I still think about him nearly every day and still have nightmares. I do not care who he is with or IF he is with anyone. If he is, I feel sorry for her.
I was the other woman, my N was married when I met him. He lied and said he was separated. I bought it and when I found the truth I was hooked. Even separated should have been unacceptable to me but I was desperate at the time (I now realize). The descriptions Savannah wrote above I imagine his wife/now ex felt about me.
I imagine she is happy we split up and she felt some satisfaction from that. She hated me, called me white trash. Their daughter shared with me that her mom said that he was mentally abusive. She was right. She just didn’t know about narcissism. She was in therapy as I am now in. They leave a wake of trauma.
The last 2 years have been rough. My health declined when I was with my N and I couldn’t get it back on track. I was wallowing in self pity and depression, plagued by everything that happened in that horrible 8 years I was with him — my daughter’s sexual abuse, his infidelities, his lies, isolation from friends and family, near financial ruin. It truly was a nightmare.
Last Wednesday I decided enough was enough. I am changing my life. I am worthy of care and love. I love myself and am devoted to taking care of myself. I am exercising, eating right, relaxing, praying, enjoying my home. My next step is to get out and enjoy life once again and take up my art again. I had become a hermit, never going anywhere. I work from home so I can go for weeks with only going to grocery store, not dressing, no makeup, wearing hair in pony tail. Wednesday I splurged and spent a lot of money on a great hairdresser. It was worth it, my hair looks great. I am still 75 pounds overweight but working on that.
I do not want a man now as I have in the past. I will say, my N cured me of that want. I can take care of myself and I will. I am focused on me right now and my 2 adult daughters who are both single, in their 20’s. I LOVE ME and I WILL TAKE CARE OF ME AND TREAT MYSELF WITH CARE BECAUSE I AM WORTHY.
Thanks Savannah Grey. I hope you know this blog saved my life. Coming here is what convinced me to leave. The Harem article opened my eyes. I was the lead wife of the harem and was miserable. You put a name to it and made me see what was happening. Love to you and to all. LIFE IS GREAT…LIVEW IT!!!
Hi Savannah This blog is like you were speaking to me. our comment about letting the universe take care of it, well he has already had that cos his second wife left him and done it dirty. Left while he was at work taking all the debt money which she saved for a year. How can he recover from this. The third item in his life I think kneels at his feet and came on his bus and said how about it.? Her told people that I divorced him cos I wanted my freedon. What with two kids aged 2 and 4 years.? No it was because he splikt my head, lip and strangled me where I saw everything going black. He also broke my nose and I married him after that. I was 15 when we met. His new trollop works so he has another source of cash, which is very important to him. No kids to himm as she already to to an ex. She had confidence. I did but he knocked it out of me. Ok he got his cummappance when 2nd wife left him but he seems to be happy with her , 18 years together. Shes got what I wanted. My 2 children who are adults have felt the loss of their father for the past 40 years. I am in depression and on meds. Im 64, dont have the looks of 20 yr old and would love to meet a man who could be my friend. I cannot have friendships with women as my personality has gone. I now realise the next thing for me will be death. 65 this year with my split happening 40 years ago. She is tougher than me and wont take the shit I took also nowadays he would b He told me I was boring like his bashing of me was fun and his long silences. He also mentioned the sex thing saying I wasnt attractive sexually since having my second child and stopped our intimacy. I wont go on but all of this has stuck with me and I am afraid to have a normal relationship with a man now.e lifted by police if he hit her. He cannot go looking for anyone else as he is 70 this year. She stepped on his bus and said how about it.? I badly want revenge and to hurt him and her as she stared me out on a rare family meet where my son was getting engaged. He hadnt seen his father for years but he couldnt refuse for what she might think. She knows he doesnt see his kids or grankids so she is no better than him. A tart.
Savannah & Friends. All of your topics & testimonials have been food for my emotional healing. I will keep coming back for strength & support on this new journey for enrichment. Savannah is correct giving us survival strategies, especially ‘No Contact’ as the quickest healer.
It is sad that the narc gets off pain free but a day of reckoning will reach him for his (or her) terrible disregard & lack of empathy for someone like us who felt they loved them with their very life & sadly hoped the narc would change & love them again. A narc wont change. They don’t have true remorse, compassion, empathy,or a conscience.
Turning points mentioned in this site have helped me see a couple things. Aha moment showed me I was addicted to that emotional high that only N could give me.knowing the addiction exists doesn’t cure it without taking steps. I went no contact feeling proud that I initiated it but would panic once I wasn’t hearing from him & then re-initiate a contact only to stay on the tormenting roller coaster longer. I now believe I really don’t love the N himself without his pampering & charm & attention or affection. (Almost as bad as his sickness feeding his own Ego)this is also the codepency Savannah told us about. All branches of this site can help.
We may have had childhood emotional trauma (my mother rejected me repeatedly) that weakened us and it’s tempting to blame all our pain on the N.now I realize I was an easy target as a co dependent & N filled all the void
I know I took comfort in blaming N for all my pain along with bitterness, resentment, broken hearted, self pity,depression & was outright devastated. I was the only one feeling the pain, not him.
My ex also had trauma when abandoned by his mother to an orphangage at age 3 with his older sister. Imagine being him when mother came back to take his sister home but left him behind to foster care. I can say, no wonder he turned out so unfeeling & cruel.
Beginning to heal includes forgiving him.What? It does not condone his actions but it helps erase the damaging dislike in ourselves towards him. Keeps us the better person and adds to our strength to overcome.
It isn’t easy but works. Keep reading, keep trying,keep believing in yourself & please followup with us. Thank you to everyone including the Cowboy.
Grizzly lot aren’t they. I was in contact with N. because of work long enough to see that the new woman was more craven, more servile than me. She had more money and was a path to people who puff him up. I don’t know if they are still together. I understand that it was a sham relationship and resent the time I spent forming an obsession but not seeing that. I am sure he is behaving exactly as he did. No contact is the way to go if you possibly can. It is possible to block any electronic contact including email. FB was my last. I read that before blocking you should delete all your posts on their page and, in doing that, I could see just how much I had subjugated myself to him. It seemed hard to press the button but, from that day on, I have felt unbelievably happier and whole in myself.
To Elane. Thank you for your comment. I will re-read over and over again. For days I will be fine. Then I will get a wave of loneliness. Hear his voice of promised words that were just lies. I struggle so much that he is happy. I try to think he never really never existed,dead. After all that is what I am to him now. Thank you again.
To Lin: Everything about him is and was a lie. Even the “friendship” you might have had. He mirrored all your amazing qualities back to you. So he was never the person you were in love with…it was you. I know that sounds so cliche, but it’s true. It has taken me a long time to realize that I’m actually a caring, empathic, loving person..and be OK with knowing that. It doesn’t make you a narcissist. Self-love is what you need to give yourself, and I admit that is so hard to do at times because what they may have said or done to us. But you’ll eventually (with time) start healing and seeing that you were never to blame in all this. We all have bad days, or even weeks, but that pales in comparison to what our daily life was with them (the constant highs and lows, the pathological lies, the complete fakeness of their emotions, the future faking (their words never EVER followed thru with their actions), the constant cell phone interruptions and hiding of calls/texts, even the anxiety of their short lived presence (when they “made” time for you – always on their schedule), the triangulation of women…the list could go on…). Remind yourself of all these unnecessary things you were subjected to while with him and while you’re doing that, think of the peace you have in your life now. These moments will become less and less…I promise you. Keep your head up.
I’ve not written much about this somatic who approached me and seduced me to high hell. Very attractive, told me he made 100K per yr, claimed I was ‘perfect’ and lovebombed all that crap.
Basically he got me to want him and then once I did, poof! He was gone for some 22 yr old, 15 yrs younger than he with 2 kids. This was 2 yrs ago and he is still with her and THEY now have a kid.
Yes, he is a somatic narc/sociopath with a criminal record, is a registered sex offender and never went to college. He has a Hot or Not/Badoo acct and multiple FB pages, yet props himself up as the ‘great dad.’
How the fuck are they still together?
“Sometimes they stay because the new partner is way better at catering to their needs than you are. They are way better at putting them first, puffing them up, denying their own needs and treating them like the king or queen that they are. You were starting to get resentful and actually had the gull to express your discontent.
Another reason they might stay is because they are getting older and aren’t feeling as pretty or special, the way they used to. The idea of trolling for new supply isn’t quite as appealing, because it leaves them open for rejection which is much more likely now that they’re not so fresh.”
This is the answer. She is dumb and clueless and has multiple kids by multiple dads, no education or ambition.
I asked my educated, ambitious, attractive 20 something male coworker what he would think of a girl like that and he said, ‘I wouldn’t even talk to her.’
I think the somatic knows this, hence he knows she is trapped/dependent on him.
I have them both blocked on FB but I noticed that her FB name includes his first and last name.
So if her name is Jane Doe and his name is Johnny Asshole, her FB name is JANE JOHNNY DOE ASSHOLE.
Who does that? Esp. someone of her Millennial age range? I guess she’s given him her identity as well?
It really pisses me off. I don’t want him to be ‘happy’ and gathering fuel as the ‘great dad.’ He’s 40 now and he works as a truck driver and this is his 2nd kid out of wedlock. The 1st one he had at 17, then he was divorced by age 30, but his ex wife isn’t the mother of that kid. He’s had so many fuck sessions, it’s ridiculous.
He got me to believe he was a chemist/engineer. It’s amazing what I uncovered about him once I went no contact. A very sick individual. Yet he is able to land immature girls so easily, like the one he is with.
I do wonder if she knows her Prince is a registered sex offender with a history of incarceration?
Sav, it was your essay on the harem that made me realize what I was dealing with. Because this guy is the King of it.
Just a rant, but I really hate these people.
Thanks Lola for your rant.
Savannah’s blog really hit me hard and made me sad.
I think she touched everyone HARD this time.
We know everything she says is right and you are right also.
But Fuck it hurts.
xx
For me, this doesn’t hurt, but more annoys me b/c I don’t want him, yet he was juggling me and at least one other girl, plus the girl-child he had the kid with now all at the same time.
One of the 1st things he said to me was, ‘I can’t commit.’
I have him blocked, so I don’t go looking, but I do know he has propped himself up as having ‘found the love of his life,’ as I know that’s what all his loser friends think.
She’s not even 25 and now has 3 kids by 3 different dads and no education. Like I’m supposed to believe this trainwreck of a girl has made him a changed man.
The fact that some stay is what keeps the damaging hope alive. We only see from the outside, where everything appears great. And I never dated this dude, he just toyed with me and then was off.
I just wish I had rejected his advances. It’s sad too, when a new life is brought into the shit, all for selfish reasons. He wasn’t a father to his 1st kid–spent most of the kid’s childhood living out of state, evading child support, I later learned.
So now it’s just for attention and so she can feel strapped to him. I have no doubt that she wanted it, as a way of branding him ‘hers.’
I wish people would stop always saying ‘congratulations’ when a kid is born. It’s not always good news.
It has been 1 month and 2 weeks. I have been posting here for years now. Pathetic I know I keep taking him back. Its a toxic cycle. But this time something feels final and I am ok. I have my moments when I am mad at myself for allowing someone to discard me and mistreat me. But I have to take responsibility for allowing it. I have no contact or friends in common. No social media in common. Only out gym. Once in a while we will coincide and I put my best game face on as well as him. He is still in that discard phase. I just need to be ready for the love bombing. I pray it is over forever from his end. But if not that I can be strong enough to never allow this to enter my life again.
I am 45, married 2xs.Best thing out of both marriages?3 grown children. I’d like to say to the ladies onthe board in your 60s’, you are not the only “throw away” in our youth centered environment. These dogs see ex wife, widow, mom on the resume and all they want from us is a roll in the hay. Then they leave. It’s the new puppy syndrome. At least in the South East most woman have a child by 25, so you are generally thought an easy time,{ and then run.} Shoot the Moon ladies! I have faith out there somewhere all those guys who have been dominated by a female narc will take a chance on one of us who have been through it with her counter part.
His new enabler supplies room. Board.and alcohol. She was last on his list when I outed him big time to everyone else he was working on. So she was the last ditch. I fucked his whole shut up by posting his true colors on a few cheaters websites,where you can go and post about your lying cheating sack of shit. Since his main m.o. was the internet, plus some other well timed photos etc, he was reduced to a suicidal drunk. So she got quite the catch there LOL. He is probably restricting his outside sex to the gay men in his life. They’re less likely to get pissy.Hope she checks her HIV status .
He left me two weeks before the wedding for a wealthy ‘friend’ from his harem. That was one year ago. Now he is dying of Leukemia. She is there with him and his family. He had kept me secret so I never met his family. She has bet everyone and is involved in his care. I’ve become a narc and borderline (her) expert but this is killing me. They’re not living together yet but I’m sure they will be. She is living the life I had planned for. I wanted to be with him at the end and was preparing to take vows (I have no family). Just why??? I want to see him or something. He blocked me on Facebook at the time of the break up. When I heard he was sick, I tried to contact his sister and brother but they didn’t know me. I wrote him an email offering help, telling him I never stopped loving him (asking for nothing). He unblocked me and I friended him. He’d been posting medical updates on his Facebook but after I friended him he stopped the updates and just posted comments and songs about her. One month, and I unfriended and blocked everyone. I was ok but now, he is posting about his bone marrow transplant on Facebook. What if he dies and I don’t get a chance to see or talk to him??? If he gets better, they will probably live together on her money. You see, I know what’s going on but I remember what we were like. If anyone can help? I feel awful and feel as though I were right there beside him but I don’t feel welcome…
Dear Savannah it has benn 3 years of no contacts . he dumped me for the woman he married and now has a child with.
I don’t think of him anymore and I” m moved on with my liffe. I certainly don’t envy his wife but .. what about him? he got what he wanted : to show to the world that he’s the normal one, and he can have a family. He’s been 3 years of success for him, either ion personal and most of all in his work life.
he’s a con and I only hope for the rest of my life he’ll get caught, and ending his life in misery.
Sorry I don’t care about his inside misery etc, I want to see him broke.
Yes, it hurts to realize that what you wrote here is truth and nothing but the truth. Reading other people’s post particularly the older women who are in their late fifties sixties, long marriage to a narc, kids and all and struggling to put behind that their not so young anymore ex behaves like a teenager. I can’t help but think I am not the only one thinking that something is wrong with me when really I should be proud of breaking free from a sick and dysfunctional person. The irony is that nothing seems to help, no healthy reasoning, no reality checks, no discovering new facts that only confirm that they were sick, purely sick because we know, we even can find real examples of men who wouldn’t even behave like our exes do. I have known the men for 20 years, and was married for 15. I only recently realized that I was his, at least #4, married or common law wife. All his family, including his now deceased mother, never ever said a beep. He never ever wanted to talk about his past brushing off my questions and retreating deep inside his wounded soul. Did I pursue? No! Did I wanted to cause him more hurt? No! Did I ask his mother, his family, his friends??? No!!! So now, going through some old photo albums he left behind I wonder, how come there is no trace of the women before me??? No pictures! Nothing!!! And I bet the same things happens to me. No one in his family talks to his new woman about what number she is now, he is got no traces of me anywhere at his new place (he did not take not one picture of us or of his son). On the outside all is well for him. He is the winner, new nice place, new woman, accepted fully by his family and friends, no strings attache, a truly free and happy men who didn’t even have to try to find a new woman because she came up to him and that was long before he was done with me. I am afraid that on inside all is well with him, too because I didn’t really exist. Even if that thought crosses his mind, the only thing that he remembers about me is that it was all my fault that we didn’t last till death does us apart.
He ran into me unexpectedly and accidently in a store with his new “love”. He couldn’t even say “hi”, he couldn’t even look at me and just turned back and left the store with her dutiffuly following him and I don’t know if she knows how I look, but she probably didn’t even question his illogical behaviour or if she did realize I was his ex, she probably just poo, pooed the whole thing and excused him wholeheartedly because he is now the one for her.
Our son and I live a 10 minute drive from him and breaks my heart when I see that my adult son puts way more effort into keeping in touch with his dad than this sick man. Last Xmas was the first one after our divorce and my son wanted to spend it with his dad and their family. I don’t know whether my son was told by his dad or not that the new babe will be there too. I respect my son’s wishes and acknowledge that at the age of 19 he needs to deal with the “stuff” himself. I don’t pry too much into their father and son relationship. But it still breaks my heart to see my kid coming back from two days spent with his dad and his family at Xmas completely broken and depressed. Hi is not a little kid, he knows perfectly well that dad started his affair before the divorce and only kept it hidden till he thought he should. I finally, had to corner my kid and say: “hey, we can’t live like that! I know, you’re and adult, but I also know that you are hurting and trying to sort “stuff” out. I want to know that yes, I am hurt, too but by not talking about and pretending it doesn’t happen doesn’t lead us into a healthy mother-son relationship. It’s hard to watch your not a little kid melt and cry in hurt. It’s hard to explain to a good hearted and sensitive young man, it’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything. Yes, your dad was truly disappointed in the way your turn out because you are not as tall as he is, not as “tough” as he is and you don’t like sports your dad worship and you have totally different interests. Yet, in front of his family and friends he presents you like a personal trophy! Look, everyone! This is my kid! Did you notice how well behaved he is?!!! Oh, wow! My kid is doing university!!! Nobody knows that the same bragging father gave this kid heck for applying to university instead of looking for work. My son came devastated from that visit when he happily announced to his dad that he got accepted. It really puzzled me till a friend of my quickly put me into reality and told me: “Well, that’s simple! Your ex, doesn’t want to do support payments that he legally and lawfully must.” Heck! She was right! I had threatened the guy with Maintenance Enforcement Office and garnishing his wage and even now he plays the games. He loves to keep me in suspence and pretends the transfer didn’t go through or some other crap. And all this time I think, he is 60, like really??? Law, rules, regulations, ethics, morals??? What’s that??? Oh, well they don’t apply to him. Idiot!
I talk to my mother that lives across the ocean more often than these two men living 10 minutes apart.
It’s been over 4 months since I’ve gone no contact. Unfortunately, in the beginning I tried to warn the next “victim” and she has stayed, even thru seeing evidence I had given her. She is going thru a “divorce” with 3 kids. (It’s amazing how they pick their victims?!?) She continues to stick by him thru everything – mutual friends telling her the same thing about him. Doesn’t seem to faze her though, and it just goes to show that she’s too far gone to see him for what he is…a married, cheating, pathological lying, narcissist. It is her journey to find out everything he is on her own. She said that he’s proposed to her (even though neither of them are divorced), and has promised her such a grand life – marriage, vacations..etc. Mind you he has a 5 year old, and she has 3 kids of her own. I’m guessing that she worships him in all his glory as I have never seen someone stay thru so much evidence.
I cycle thru the emotions when I see them together – denial (that it’s still happening), anger (that he seems to get off having me see this), bargaining (struggling to find a meaning why this has happened to me), depression (the fact I’m still not healed yet, but working on it), and acceptance (knowing he is what he is, and he will never change).
To me, this “relationship” made me realize that you need to completely accept this person never existed, and as such I have and continue to act like he is dead to me. My therapist said they are living a fantasy world and things will never work out to what he has future-faked for her; her reality of living and hiding their “relationship” when they both are still married will come crashing down once she realizes that he has only promised her things he will never be able to deliver – much like he did with me. It took me only 2 years to figure him out and end things when I caught him cheating with her (after them being a year into their relationship). I’ve been told there were others as well (if only his cell phone could talk).
Best advice I have for anyone going thru this…don’t even bother wasting time to warn the next victim, they won’t listen. Second best advice is to go NO CONTACT. Third best advice is to be COMPLETELY INDIFFERENT to him/her if they are around – not even a slight of emotion or look in their direction. Fourth best advice is to get a therapist that knows NPD. Fifth best advice – NEVER compare yourself to this new person. It doesn’t matter what they look like, what they do, how successful they are, how popular they are…what they aren’t is YOU. You could be the prettiest, most out-going, fun loving, compassionate person with a rocking body…and that STILL would not be enough for someone like them. They seek what you were before them (all of your positive attributes) and once you give them the slightest narcissistic injury (namely to their sexual ego) they go find someone that finds NO faults with them…YET.
Your power is to just let this person completely go (as hard as it sounds). Do I struggle after a few months of this? Yes, but I will never give him the satisfaction of seeing me struggle. Does he know I struggle? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
As hard as I know this is, life goes on. Life will continue to go on with them and whomever they are with at the moment. Will I be around to see their relationship crumble, which it ultimately will? Maybe. Maybe not. I sure as hell hope I’m past all of this to not even care when it does happen. The satisfaction I have is knowing that I am stronger for cutting this cancer of a person from my life..and knowing I will never want this soul-less person back, because the person I fell in love with was standing in front of the mirror every day, and it wasn’t him that was staring back at me…it was me.
This post opened my scars again… Just 4 days ago I went from No Contact to replying his insisting emails. He wrote about “our love”, and I fell for it. I donno whether he is with someone new, it has been almost 11 months since we split… I discovered his dick pics and sexual online convos some months ago, a nightmare for my heart.
I don’t ask, obviously I hope he is still single. This idealization thingy!!! We declared soon after we started our then online relationship (Fb) that we were Twin Flames! Then we met and lived together for almost 2,5 years. Till this day it seems I clinge to this idea of TF on a certain level… I shy away to ask him if he uses the same term, or “soulmate” for his new supplier / provider… I do not trust anything he says nowadays, it is like a chess game, only thinking whatever he says has a reason to “win” against me, or to finally punish me as I EXPOSED his true character. It’s tiptoeing around him…
Oh, it’s a daily challenge to overcome the negative thoughts and feelings. I am at it! And so wish we could erase narcissism from this planet.
Thank you for this post!
I love this because it’s so true. I have had for the past year my power word of “indifference.” I have said before, it doesn’t matter if he is dating 4 women or the Queen of England…it doesn’t matter because he’s no longer in my life.
Even with that said, there are times my mind will drift to who he might be with and why I wasn’t enough.
Indifference…to all that is him. Power and healing to all that is me.
It’s been almost 3 years since she ended our 16 month relationship. She’s still with the replacement. This does shed a lot of light on why they are still together.
You are right on with this post Savannah. Thank so much for reinforcing and keeping me motivated not to break contact. I have not seen or have had contact since 11/21/16. My curiosity and heart has been weakening. Wanting to sneak a peek on FB to see if he is in a new relationship. I keep telling myself Lin why? You know what it will be and all the hurt, destructive feelings and emotions will resurface. I needed to hear that he will settle only for the fact to prove to himself, family and friends that I was the one at fault. Crazy! He will be 60 this year. Maybe at one time he may have been a ladies man, and is delusional that he still is. Over 300 lbs, bald and not in the best physical state. I loved this man totally. Faults, and short comings. He may be tired of fighting for supply. When I think back he had talked the same game about his ex before me just as you have stated in your posts. Blaming she was the crazy drinking too much erratic behavior, etc. He says they were together for 4 years and had a wedding date set. I know she was a well-educated woman with a prestigious position and income to match. She finally figured him out. I so badly would like to talk to her. Then I think twice. Why? To drudge up all her pain all over again, open wounds that may be healed at this point. This would be selfish of me. I know and I believe he knows the door is closed with me.. He knows he cannot touch me emotionally or mentally again. I told him no one will ever love you like I did. Because I am the one at age 60 who figured out who he really is. And I will also never ever settle for treatment and disrespect again the way he did.
Absolutely spot on and always so timely.. it’s like you can see what’s going on in our heads!! I think what comes out of all the extreme pain and confusion of a discarding from a Narc(I still can’t believe it) is that you have to work on yourself.. Thankyou, as always.
My Narc is on his second “soulmate” after me, another “good Christian woman” with small small children, that he had in his online harem even back when we met three years ago. He moved her in wih him less than a mont after still trying to hookup with me last year, after his “soulmate” relationship blew up bc of his cheating.
I haven’t physically seen him in a year and in August it will be a year for 100% no contact. I found out last week that he was arrested at work and extradicted to Florida on 9 3rd degree felony counts of transmitting materials harmful to a minor via Facebook Messenger.
Age of consent in Florida is 18 and the charges clearly state he knew she was a minor. This happened in late 2015 to January of 2016. He disappeared off the internet last August, supposidly in the guise of being in his perfect relationship. I couldn’t figure out why he’d deleted the hundreds of accounts he had online. Now I know why.
Facebook got the subpeona for his accounts in August and shut them down. He’s been hiding ever since.
This is the only instance of consequences I’ve ever seen him pay. He’s ALWAYS gotten away with everything. Well, not anymore. He could go to prison for 3 years per charge. Prison. A convicted felon for life.
I’m not surprised by the act, he’s ALWAYS been God’s gift to womankind and his NPD makes his impulse control zero. This happened while he was living with one gf and her daughters and lying to me about that, trying to get back together with me.
As hard as this past year has been with no contact, my therapist (who pegged this, who said he had left the internet bc someone had something on him so awful it would expose him forever) said, thank God it wasn’t you. He would have destroyed you even worse than he has.
I feel sorry for the current soulmate – but she is choosing to stand by him bc God put them together. I imagine her ex-husband and his lawyer will have something to say about that & custody.
I’m sad that he is this sick. I’m sad that his mom made him this way and that he never saw the worth in changing once he found out he has NPD. I’m sad for his ex when she finds out he did this while living with her. I’m sad for his current ex who expected him home from work that night and he hasn’t been home since. I’m sad that he is such an idiot – gross enough that he would hit on 18’year olds when he was 38 but that isn’t limited to just Narc males, that’s most males. But KNOWING she was underage? And it doesn’t matter if she was 17 years, 11 months and 29 days. She is a MINOR.
But the worst – I am heartbroken for his 8 year old son, who worhsips his dad. This jerk has ruined his son’s life.
I may be a fool for feeling sorry for him to a point, but it is who I am. I’m sorry ANYONE is this broken. But on the other hand, I now feel safe from him, that he won’t come calling NOW even though he did in January when he sent me an “invite” to Fubar (that perfect relationship must have rapidly lost its appeal). He won’t come now bc he and I have a history of arguements about him drooling publicly on FB for barely legal girls.
I feel like he’s died. My therapist said, because he did. He finally killed the last single grain of feeling you had for him. That is a death.
I’m sure he’ll do everything he can to keep this current woman on the string because if he is comvicted, he’ll never find another one, not with these charges.
I never dreamed it would end this way. Or that he’d be so god damn stupid.
I cannot tell you how much it helps to read the exact feelings I still get now and then. I feel it most when it seems like the loneliness is never going to end the the struggle of accepting being on my own is “okay”, or when I am faced with challenges I am not sure I can deal with and just long for the support of a loving partner. I know what you say is true as it is too exact not to be. Still I struggle with these questions as it appears they walked off into the sunset without a worry in the world. They are financially well off and have retired early and travel around and do all the things I had dreamed of doing one day….
I came to a point where I couldn’t stand to see the “loving” pictures with happy smiles on their faces pop up on FB so I unfriended everyone who had any connection so I don’t have to see it anymore. It is better to not know then to be hurt each time you randomly see something. I am much happier since I did it but still my mind will wander wondering what they are doing now and why it still goes on. Why doesn’t she get it?
Or does he really treat her better?? It’s been the most disturbing and most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with and I still cannot believe people actually do this to others.
The healing road for me has been long…I am still on it.
I do understand what part I played and the lesson I learned.
But the brutality of this was something I never could have ever imagined.
Savannah — once again you have hit the nail directly on the head. It is such a hard pill to swallow — even 2 years after ending things with my “N”, it is still hard to realize that the 15 years we were together was not a “REAL” relationship! I am so disappointed in myself for not listening to my gut(or my family and friends) — and for believing that he loved me enough to change (as he promised so many times). And now I am happy to report I am in a truly happy and healthy relationship. No Toxicity! However – I have heard recently that he is with someone else and I want to warn her about what her life is going to become if they stay together! I feel like I owe it to her — but I also realize that she will not hear what I am saying. Just as I didn’t listen to my “n’s” ex-wife when she tried to warn me! And I hate to admit that it totally drives me crazy at the thought of him being happy. I do not wish him ill harm — I just do not want him to be happy! I know deep down he isn’t and never truly will be — But I want him to somehow own up to what he did, feel some of the hurt he caused others etc etc. And I hate the fact that he still (in some small way) sneaks into my thoughts! I am SO much happier now and know what a REAL relationship is! But the unhealthy thoughts still come up when I least expect it! I am hoping that as more time passes — that will happen less and less! Thank you!
I’m so sad, exhausted and defeated to try to start over, still be forgiving only to find out this article is what an old 67 yr old, now king Buddhist is doing.
Living with a married/divorcing, 46 yr old and 11 yr old son. Hanging at the temple, 20-30 hr’s, per week. Loves his new fame, celebrity and not living alone.
It is just too tough, for me to start over. Alone, small alimony, no healthcare and I tried to forgive him only to discover who he really is! He left and replaced our old 33 yr marriage and family.
From this article, clearly he is a greedy, selfish, sexually frustrated, old fart, hippie, hypocrite Buddhist.
I don’t care about him, this is closure.
I tried things, dating, a job, helping others. Now I just sit at home waiting for more loss, the end.
Sad.
24yrs wasted on my lowlife coward. I am going to write a book on the dirty deeds I finally realized he had put me through. He has his new supply replacement because he cannot stand that I know. He knows I know all that he did, he knows he can no longer fool me into thinking the sun shines from anywhere but the sky not him. Yes, i am sad, but free of his evil weakness. He was and is a weak link to all that a true man is and should be. Run little one, but you cannot hide anymore in my eyes that is why he will not put himself anywhere near me. I am like the plague to him. His fear and cowardice is sickening. ohhh but I love/loved him ….. getting over it. 🙂
Hi Joni, I am 63 and like you and thousands of other narcissistic discards. I was married for 37 years, discarded a couple of years ago and divorced. My ex is now happily married to a woman in her 30’s. Please know that there are many women out there in the same situation as you and me. Unfortunately, women of our age are thought of by our young thinking society as throw aways, worthless. Men of our age are not. God screwed the pooch with this one and I will speak to him about it once face to face. :-). In the meantime, please remember you are a kind hearted person who, unwittingly devoted your life to the devil, so did I. We didn’t know. Try to find things that make you smile, even if just an ice cream cone or flower and realize there are some people in the world who will never have either. Don’t give your ex the satisfaction of knowing you feel your life is over, that will just make him happier than he is now. Hugs to you, you are not alone.
Joni,
My heart goes out to you. I , too, have felt so old and shunted aside and even two and a half years later I still have some times when I grieve and feel “less-than” but I also have true happiness. At last. Not based on anyone else. Not big and bright and worldly but small and sweet and content. I’ve dated a little and found out that even an older woman can be found attractive and lovable, so hang in there. It is devastating but NC will give you a clean slate and a good life with your own sweet heart at the center instead of his mean old one.
Oh savannah. Why did you send this. It makes me so sad. I know what your saying is true.
I can’t get Rach out of my head and I miss her and love her.
It’s breaking my broken heart even more because everything your saying is true.
I can’t even put in words what I’m not to Racheal anymore. She has someone younger now and every time I see her she brings that up and I still put up with it. I brush it off and think she doesn’t mean it. She loved me for nearly 10 years
Fuck when will I get it that she has gone and moved on to this very young new partner. It’s killing me
I can’t fight anymore it’s to sad. I have blocked her again but email can’t be blocked. So WTF
IM SO SAD. AND SAVANNAH I HAVE BEEN TRYING BUT I GET WEAK SND CONTACT HER.
She only responds if it suits her. Most of the time I wait now. So fucking hard.
Sooooo….my ex would tell me and his subsequent women that he wants his children to look like him. Tall, blue eyes and preferably same race. I found it cruel and to be honest, a red flag since eye color is not something that can be changed. He saw it as being honest ( he has told this to short brown eyed women ).
His wife now has all the physical attributes he wanted but her personality is not one I saw him with. He could very well be happy. But I always wonder if he settled down partly because with her genetics, their kids would
Have a high chance of looking like, well, him!