None is this is fair. You didn’t deserve the way you were treated, or the way you were discarded and now you have to watch as they just pick up with someone else, like you never even existed. No one is disputing the validity of your feelings. What they have done is appalling and you’re not wrong to wonder, “What the hell is wrong with them?”
You’re the one that supported them, loved them, and took care of them. You sacrificed so much of yourself and your dreams for them and now they get to run around happy and in love with someone else. You need answers, because you just can’t believe this has happened to you.
“Why her and not me?” Or, “What does he have that I don’t?” These are normal feelings to have when we experience betrayal. What we want most is to watch this next relationship blow up in their faces, so we can say, “See I told you so. I told you, you were the one that was f’d up not me.” When we’re in that vulnerable state of mind, we need that validation. We can feel better by understanding that they are sick people and that’s why they’ve done this to us.
But what happens when that new relationship gets serious, when they start shacking up, or you get word that they’re getting married, or God forbid, they announce the arrival of a little one? Now this usurper has just stepped into the relationship that you wanted, that you were promised. They just stole what you worked so hard for and your ex acts like they’ve just been born again. “What the hell? You ask. “How is this possible?” “Why wasn’t I enough?”
Why They Stay With the Other Woman/Man
Understand that the emotions of a Narcissist are superficial. They don’t run too deeply and everything that you’ve experienced in your relationship with them was a mirage and any subsequent relationship will fare no better, regardless of what it looks like right now on the outside. People that use others, exploit for their own gain, lie, cheat, cause harm and try to destroy those they once claimed to have loved, are not normal. Never underestimate their powers of justification. They are cowards and would rather run for the hills than take responsibility or admit they’re at fault.
It makes perfect sense for anyone who’s experienced their brand of betrayal to try and make sense of what’s happened. It’s so devastating and so traumatic that we need and want to understand why they did what they did to us and what their behavior means. Why do they stay with their new partner? We have to know. We are obsessed with the need to understand. Here are a few reasons why they might stay in their new relaitonship:
They have built up a substantial belief, in their minds, that everything wrong in their life was your fault. This new partner is a fresh slate, unaware of who they really are and what they’ve done. The new partner is fully trusting and they now have the chance to prove themselves right (that it was all your fault).
What they’ve done to you is so horrific and you know they know this because they have given up everything to be with the other woman – all your mutual friends, possessions, and maybe even their own children. They fear the judgement of others, so they walk away completely and stay with the new partner, because in their mind it proves just how right the new relationship is and how right they were to leave you.
They live for one-upmanship. Look, they’ve got someone new and you don’t. They win. They win. Oh and the fact that you are still pining for them….winning.
They live in some kind of fantasy land, where they are looking for this magical ideal love and them staying with the new partner proves to everyone that they’ve found it. They had to leave you – it was for the sake of true love – you understand.
Sometimes they stay because the new partner is way better at catering to their needs than you are. They are way better at putting them first, puffing them up, denying their own needs and treating them like the king or queen that they are. You were starting to get resentful and actually had the gull to express your discontent.
Another reason they might stay is because they are getting older and aren’t feeling as pretty or special, the way they used to. The idea of trolling for new supply isn’t quite as appealing, because it leaves them open for rejection which is much more likely now that they’re not so fresh.
Sometimes they stay because their new partner has something they value – money, status, career, fame, beauty…whatever the reason might be, it makes them feel special and they aren’t going to give that up too easily.
They have completely blown up their life with you to the point where they know they can never come back. They can’t apologize or admit wrong-doing and they can’t be alone, so they’ve got to make the best of the situation they’ve created.
The truth is that whether or not they’re happier with someone else is really irrelevant to you and your journey. The key is getting to the place where you know that this relationship wasn’t right for you. It wasn’t meant for you and that that door is now closed. Don’t spend your life waiting and watching for their relationship to fall apart. Turn your focus inward and realize that this was a lesson you needed to learn. We learn more from our pain than we ever will from our triumphs and you needed this wake-up call. You needed to learn where you were not being honest and true to yourself. You were not living to your full potential and now you are free to heal and learn how to be authentically you. Now you get to figure it all out. That’s the truth – your truth. All this heartache really is a blessing. Don’t envy the new partner. You know all about what’s ahead of him or her and the lesson that’s coming to them because you are further along the path than they are, they will figure it all out eventually. Trust the Universe and put all of your energy on your new chapter. It’s a good time to be you. Just wait and see.
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