When your eyes first open in the morning, it’s usually because your alarm clock is making that awful aaaaaa-aaaaa-aaaaa noise. At that moment, you have to decide – do I get up, or do I hit the snooze button? Have you ever wished that life gave us the same kind of signal – some sign that would alert us that we were off course and that we needed to wake up?
The good news is, that life does provide us with a wakeup call, except the alarm isn’t a sound, it’s a feeling. It’s our emotions. When we waltz through life continuing to play out the same dysfunctional scripts from our childhood and we keep making poor choice after poor choice – then we are going to, at some point, find ourselves in the grips of emotional turmoil.
Many people go through life continuing to ignore the obvious signs that something is seriously wrong. Whether you’re going to get up and do something about it, or continue to snooze is entirely within your control.
Every time you go back to an emotionally abusive relationship, you are hitting the snooze button, and putting your life on hold. Every time you give in and let your emotions overwhelm you and you answer that text, or that phone call, when you know it’s unhealthy for you and you know how it’s going to turn out – you are perpetuating the belief that you don’t deserve any better and you are sending the message to your Narcissist, that says, ‘I’m good with being mistreated – if you’ve got some more cruelty to dish out – pick me, pick me.’ The more you do it, the more you remain stuck and the further away you are from your true self and your purpose.
The giving-in-process is really about unresolved issues from your childhood. It’s so painful and so easy to submit to what ails you, because you’re not just dealing with the immediate separation anxiety from your Narcissist, you’re dealing with a lifetime fear of abandonment, not being loved enough, not being worthy enough and not being good enough. And until you resolve these issues, it’s going to be one painful ride after the other.
Consider this, if you were a smoker and you decide you’re going to quit, everyone knows the hardest part about quitting is psyching yourself up to do it and the first few days after. That part is so hard that people put it off and put it off, usually until their health is affected and their choice is – quit smoking or die. Unfortunately, as a species, we seem to like to ride the boat of complacency until we are forced off of it. You don’t have wait until some part of your life is threatened to make a change.
Each time you go back to your abusive partner, just like quitting smoking, you have to start at the very beginning and try to psych yourself up to do it again. When a smoker quits and then gives in and takes that first drag, that first cigarette is absolute bliss – there has never been a feeling quite like it, it’s a delicious rush of pleasure. It continues to feel good for a while, but after you’ve had your first pack, second pack, reality sets in and you remember all of the reasons you wanted to quit in the first place. Damn that cough is back, trying to run is a lot harder, you’re out of breath, your fingers turn that awful yellowish color and everything smells – your fingers, your clothes, your environment, your breath, your hair and you kind of feel like a loser.
When you go back to your Narcissist, isn’t it the same rush, don’t you initially feel like you’re on cloud nine, isn’t your heart soaring and you’re filled with such relief? And then after a while you start to witness the same behaviors in your partner that you did before and you start to feel the same painful feelings and then, all the reasons why you wanted to get away, dawn on you and you’re back to square one.
And each time you go through this loop you feel worse about yourself. You start to feel weak and pathetic and you start to resemble that rectangular piece of fabric sitting outside your door, that others wipe their feet on, that says welcome.
What your acquiescence means to your abuser is a rush of a different kind. Every time you give in, you are confirming their belief that they are special and unique, so much so, that you can’t resist them. You are powerless and they are powerful. They are great and you are small. When you give in, it makes them feel like they’ve won – it makes them feel full.
The Narcissist’s Game
We all want the person we’re in love with to feel the same feelings about us, but when you lack the ability to feel empathy, it’s never going to happen. In their minds you couldn’t possibly love them for them – so they have to trick you into caring about them. And when you fall for their ruse…again – it’s almost like they say, “Sucker, fooled you again.”
Make no mistake, this is a game to them – the problem is, you think you’re in a relationship. It looks like a relationship (sort of), it smells like a relationship, but it’s not a relationship. When you get involved with an emotional manipulator – it’s a game and it will always be a game. And the game is of one-upmanship, because they are always trying to pull one over on you.
The rules of the game are simple. They will try to take from you – love, money, affection, esteem, sex, resources…while at the same time, they will knowingly and purposefully not give you what they know you want, they will dangle it, to see how far they can make you jump and how much you’re willing to give up for it. They will mislead you and keep you in the dark of their true motives and how many players are involved. You’re winning when you have a number of people that you’re conning and you’re able to keep them all oblivious, with lies and cunning.
The game is over, at least for you, when you figure out the rules of the game and you stop playing. Once you understand this, don’t try to beat them at their own game because you will lose – it’s like picking up a tennis racket and thinking you can beat Roger Federer. They are pros at this game – you’re an amateur –you walk away and you don’t come back.
Don’t be the gambler who spends the rent money at the poker table, trying to win back your money. Remember the house always wins.
It’s natural to want revenge when you figure out you’ve been duped, but remember that no experience is ever wasted. All this hurt was necessary to propel you to make the changes necessary. Smooth sailing doesn’t change you. It’s the storms in our lives that get our attention and have the power to wake us up and steer us in a new direction.
Empathy is one of humanities greatest gifts – the kind of people that play these games, have an impaired ability to experience it. Be grateful that you get to carry it forward with you into your new life and your new relationships. Recognize the signs that a person lacks empathy – pay attention and don’t ignore obvious signs that you’re not in a relationship, but in the middle of game you never even wanted to play.
Your Comments!!!!!!
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I believe the guy I was dealing with is a narc wish I wasn’t so mentally exhausted and depressed and would’ve realized it sooner. He is white I am black and he tries to force his way back into my life back and forth I tried to tell his young girlfriend but of course since they have a baby and she believes every thing he says she’s in denial he even wanted to be addressed as Master Ledoux or Cole Love, or The King and would get mad if he wasn’t addressed as such. He also sent me a picture of a black woman being hanged by a klans man and thought it was hilarious. I’ve tried to tell others because most his friends are black and he has mixed kids and mixed nephews I even have proof. I suspect he tells them he’s been hacked and he told me if I went public no one will believe me because his email is not in his real name. He even called his self apologizing to me but said it was my fault because I shouldn’t have warned females about him. He has popped up at my house months after I would get over him. He apologized for the racist stuff with a fake look of remorse only to call me the n word later. He says I make him do those things and he doesn’t care. Takes back his apology disappears then tries to comes back. Nothing is his fault he’s charming he always saying some female is stalking him but come to find out he’s popping up at there house too. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior I also have learned to accept my part and what I need to change. I think because of my upbringing and being around possibly narcissistic parents is why I would try to forgive my self esteem is pretty low from past sex abuse and abandonment. I really am trying to work on myself so I never meet anyone like that again. You can’t accept there forgiveness they are mentally sick and would never change one year when his grandma was dying who he was supposed to be close to he would send text saying she’s in the hospital getting worse but would end the text with “lol” I was like wtf is funny about that, who knows could’ve been a typo. I hope I never go through that again.
Thank you so much for this article. It’s sooo well written. I ended my first Narc relationship after 8 painful months. Something about him made me nervous from the beginning. I should have known it was intuition. He described himself as “instense”. Understatement of the year. One minute he’s fine, next he’s blown an innocent conversation into a 5 hour fight. I felt tense and anxious around him. Yet he’d balance it out by doing sweet things like making my lunch everyday, mowing the lawn, cooking & cleaning. As a single mom those things meant so much. But I paid for it. In hours upon hours of talking about his feelings. How I didn’t do enough. I didn’t act sexy or fun or smart enough. He’d careful word things to make me feel guilty & sad. He turned himself into a victim that I was taking advantage of. I’d get away from him for even a day and think wait….that’s no true! He’d make me feel awful for leaving him alone even to spend time with my own children. When I’d bring my own feelings or concerns to him I was told I was overly sentive and selfish. I started to google things when I realized I was dealing with something that just didn’t add up. His charms & treats kept me around until I found myself crying on the floor of his closet alone for the 100th time while He causally sipped tea in the other room. I let it all sink in. I told myself you can you do better than this and you know it. Gathered my stuff as quickly as I could & ran. It took a month with no contact for him to leave me alone. He begged and pleaded for another chance. The extremes are such a big clue that you’re dealing with a narc. “Go away….no wait don’t leave me!” I feel like I’ve been in a war zone. There’s no more bullets flying but I’m constabtly fighting with him still inside my head. I played the game. The house may have won, but I knew when the quit and sometimes that’s all you need to know.
I have been in an on and off relationship, not really for 9 years. This weekend, I was hit again in my eye. I have a hematoma due to me. I was hit, told by him not to come back by him and his mother. He is 56. My eye was bubbling and bleeding and I called emergency about 3 hrs later. I was arrested, but then he was. I did not tell the emergency people his name. I have court in less than a week. I do not want to hurt him. I do not know if I was just hurt because he was dumping me again. This has continued for 9 years. I am scared, and I am really having trouble. please if anyone has a suggestion…..
Every bit of this article makes sense, i’m going to have to save this and read it again when I need to. For the past 8 years I’ve been in ,and out of a relationship with a man who I believe is a narcissist. I adored him, treated him like a king and gave him anything he wanted,, he to took everything i had to give, used me, cheated on me, put me through emotional hell, gave me incurable STDs and emotionally abused me for so long that I feel so used up and unworthy of love from anyone else. He is a raising a child that is already showing signs of narcissism. He definitely lacks empathy, that is something I noticed after a while. He often seemed arrogant and cold, I keep telling myself I need to leave him, for years, and I try to, but I always end up missing him or caving when he asks to see me. I want to break the cycle once and for all. I dont want this to continue. I want to heal.
This was a great article to read. Ive just left my narc, of a year and a half, and am still struggling with going no contact. Throughout our “relationship” he has always been the one to discard me when ever I would question his coldness, his lack of affection, his lack of commitment. When ever I would disagree with him, he would get so frustrated and angry he would simply give me the silent treatment then end the relationship, always with a heartless text message. The amount of times he left me heartbroken, questioning my self worth, sometimes unable to get out of bed in the morning because of cold and cruel he was being. I couldn’t understand how someone who claimed to love me could let me hurt so much, to knowingly say and do things that would hurt me, and just leave me to “get over it”. He drove me to counselling, to having to take medication for depression and anxiety, all of which he was aware of, he would then use these “issues” against me if I ever questioned him about anything. Would call me a jealous nut case, say I sound crazy, that I need to cut out the bullshit. He never took into consideration my insecurities, all of which caused by him! I found out that every time he would “dump” me he would have sex with a close girl friend of his, he did this on at least 4 occasions of which I know, when confronted about it, he lied to my face, threw his close friends under the bus, and proclaimed his innocence! Of course the truth always comes out in the end. His response to this, “well we weren’t together! You’re making out I cheated on you! Stop making up an affaire that never happened” he wouldn’t understand that the pain I felt was that same weather we were together or not, he deceived me, lied to my face, I loved him, and we split for literally a week and he’s sleeping with his friend! To him there was no issue! And I was “crazy and jealous!” For ever feeling insecure about it! And I would believe him! I would think I was being a bitch, and unreasonable! I would tourture my self and do all I could to be a submissive, loyal girlfriend. Would worship the ground he walked on! Only for him to eventually get sick of that too and say I’m smothering him. He mentally, physically and emotionally drained the life and soul from me, and now after a year and half of the same antitcs… I have no choice but to walk away or be miserable for the rest of my life. Because just as it states… it’s a game and the house will always win!!
Hi,
The article is so true. My wife passed after many years of marriage. Then I met my narc on an internet dating site. I met her and was struck by her beauty and style. She was 12 years younger than me. I had no idea I was dealing with a professional narc. She had me wrapped around her little finger. At first blush she was a perfect choice. She had expensive taste but that was not a problem since I could well afford her. Then it started. If I didn’t things she wanted she would punish me with silent treatment or deny herself to me. When I wouldn’t do as she wanted she would dangle treats in front of me — usually it was her. She pushed for marriage I asked her what she would bring to the marriage. Her answer was “me”.
She was the great manipulator. She fit all the ear marks of a narcissist. She was never wrong. She was selfish and rude. I gave her many gifts and took her to the finest restaurants and the finest shows and the finest hotels. It was never enough. I was hospitalized a couple of times and I was close to death but survived and she never came to visit me. Her excuse was it was family time. I never got a thank you card for my many gifts. In the three years of our relationship she gave me two small gifts. I didn’t expect anything except a card saying that I care for you. Never happened. When we were about to separate one time I told her I loved her and asked her if she loved me. Her reply was “probably “. I certainly would get a rush when she’d call me and pour on the attention but then it would stop and she’d disappear and be silent for weeks then reappear like nothing ever happened. If I questioned her it would be my fault. I know was overly kind and giving to her. She was in it for the money and the power over. She enjoyed it. I came to realize that she’s in a very dark place and will never change. I did like her a lot. There really was no love. She wouldn’t allow it. She always promised great love when we got married but that was a ruse. It just became apparent that this woman has no soul. She can’t give. She can only take and manipulate. I know now she has no friends and there is nobody who loves her and she will be alone to the end. I had wished that we could have spent those last years together but she would be impossible to live with and she would have bankrupted me. In many ways she was a child. You know I liked that part of her. With all the pain and grief she caused me, I will miss her.
L
This article was an eye opener. I have been with this older man who I loved dearly for 4 years. On our 4th anniversary I had to break it off because of his constant lying. He was married when we met and only has a separation agreement with his wife. He has moved out of the house into his own apartment which I helped paint, clean, set up etc. He was very particular in things he wanted for his apartment his income is limited but he still rented an apartment he clearly couldn’t afford. In the past 4 years he lived mostly in my apartment and kept his apartment mostly for his collectibles which are vast. He would never put them in storage. I had to beg for him to help with utilities, food, etc as I am on disability and also have a limited income. We had a lot of good times in the beginning but as the years went on the goods time were few and far between. Every time I discuss a topic he doesn’t want to hear he threatens to leave, and he does quite often sometimes for 1 week, 2 weeks a month and then comes back that he will get a divorce and things will get better. This man was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. I helped in the hospital like I was his wife. This went on a whole year of chemo treatments, sepsis, hospital stays, stem cell transplant, etc. I spend all the hours with him for every procedure. Not his wife, 2 adult daughters, brother, no one but me helped his through his illness. He promised me he would take care of this divorce and finalize it by our 4th anniversary. He promised to not hurt me. He never cared about my feelings. He never cared that I was upset and crying about things. He would just ignore me. All these years he practically lived with me all he brought over was a change of underwear. I cooked for him and did his laundry and tended to all his personal paper work he didn’t have the attention span to attend to. I was his wife and mother and caregiver. On our 4th anniversary he disappointed me again, no divorce. I said to him I knew you were going to do this again and his reply smugly was I guess you know me by now. I was devastated. I ended the relationship. I’m tired of being the doormat. I get no answers to any questions. He never talked about a future. I was only the here and now for what I could do for him. It’s been 2 weeks. I am lost and heartbroken and confused like I don’t know what just happened. I am on disability for panic disorder and anxiety and this is not making it any better. Part of me still misses him terribly. We had the potential for a great relationship but he made it impossible. Please give me some advice. Reading your article I believe he was a narcissist.
Thank you Savannah, I needed to read all of this today. I have been feeling like I made a mistake to say yes to the divorce two years ago. My ex-narc has a “serious” girlfriend who was his assistant the last year of our marriage. Of course, according to him, they didn’t start dating until 6 months after the divorce…. I told him that no one believes that. Still, he insisted that it was very casual up until the point where I established clear boundaries, We were even talking about getting back together last April. I then found out he was bringing her to social functions and that was when I decided the idea of reconciliation was ridiculous. I continue to fantasize about bringing my family back together but keep having to remind myself that is what it is, a fantasy. I was not and could never be enough for him. I have to be enough for myself.
I think you’ve done it. I think this article has finally given me the strength to stop chasing her. I can’t decide whether to type out my story at this time or not. I think people will relate to it. I’ll give it some thought.
I’ve been browsing self-help this evening because I’m feeling particularly low (ashamed and embarrassed to say I attempted suicide recently, a few weeks after my wife, the love of my life, left me.
She said at one point that she thought I might have a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). So, I decided to research it. The more I read, the more I can see that she fits so many of the criteria. I think she might be the one with the NPD.
It’s confusing because one of the traits is projecting onto others traits and behaviours the narcissist cannot accept in themselves. SO, she may be a narcissist who is telling me I am one as part of her condition.
OR, I’m one and I’m doing the same to her.
Anyway, for now I’m going to explore the idea that she is a narcissist and an abuser. The more I read, the more I can see it. It’s becoming so clear and it’s filling me with the strength to stop chasing her. If anyone wants to know the story I’d be happy to type it all out – It’s a pretty dramatic and heavy story filled with extremes of depression and happiness.
It’s all a mess now but this article is like a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s helping me see the end and start working towards acceptance of the end for the first time.
Thank you thank you thank you.
Now, I’m going to read it again… 🙂
I would love to hear your story it was almost like you were writing my story that you thought was yours. Mine is the same word for word. I’m going to read yours again.
Well I’m still trying to work out who if either of us is the narcissist.
My GF is convinced it’s me. She refers to me as a Narcopath. A beguiling hybrid of two equally charming entities
Sometimes I think she might be right and other times I’m simply totally confused.
Tonight I found myself on my knees at her request videoing myself as I apologised to her.
She watched the videos and told me that the third one seemed genuine but the first two were less convincing.
I know this must seem very bizarre but she has made it all seem throughly normal and appropriate
Anyway it’s late now but if any of you guys want to trade stories to see if we can collectively work out what the hell is going on I’m more than happy to join in
I just want clarity even if I determine that I’m the bad guy after all
Yes I finally stopped chasing him to he hurt me deeply emotionally physically mentally and he gave me HIV
OK, so I have been with my suspected Narcissist girlfriend for a year and a half and the breakups, the beatings and the fits of rage keep on coming. We have been in a breakup/reconcile cycle for its entirety. Normally, the cycle goes that she hits me over the smallest arguments (which she causes) and I end up throwing her out. Things will then go dark for a few weeks/a month and then all is back on.
The most frustrating thing about this is that I keep on falling for her and letting her back in to just beat me once again. This is a great article that sums up why I should not go back to this but regardless of how much I read, I am obsessed with her.
I am now in a breakup phase after I allowed her to move in to my flat where in 3 days I was hit again. As I ejected her I told her that she has to go and get some serious help to control her anger/violence (will this ever happen?), until I can consider us. It was a risk as I never wanted to lose her but the aggression must be addressed.
After the most recent episode she pleaded to be back and for me to not let go and that she would change. So powerless that she even offered an ultimatum of ‘if you don’t take me back right now then I won’t come back’, to which I said no.
I am now completely blocked from contacting her after she found somewhere else to live and I am in a position where I cannot stop thinking about her. I love her (or what I think is love) from the bottom of my heart and will do anything to get her back. I even emailed her yesterday to say I’m moving on but, I am not even there in my own head.
She has a very mixed background and mentality where her father used to hit her and she believes it was because he cared.
Has anyone been in similar and thoughts on reconciling, or at least trying?
I do have a specific question – by contacting, am I feeding the N nature and allowing her to still feel power and even though I want her back (and I do) will she ever address the problem, as in will love conquer all?
Man, I read this and saw when you’d posted it, on my birthday. I was hoping someone would reply to you. I left my narc last year and went no contact for about a year, blocked her on everything. She put out little words to mutual friends all the time asking about me. Curiosity finally got the better of me and I texted her. She told me she was dating some guy and used all the flattery like telling me, I don’t know if I’ll ever find anyone like you crap. I caved and told her I’d take her back even though I’d previously said I was done. She had this voice of elation when I said that, only to say “there’s too much damage that’s been done” So, I ended the call with a statement that lead her to believe I might block her again. She said “are you going to block me again” in almost the exact opposite tone that she’d said just before when I said I wanted her back. That’s the NARC for you, they don’t care about you, only what your presence and your undying love does for them. It’s either that profession of love or a sign of abandonment that they respond to. That’s what’s with the cycles. Love – abandonment over and over. I hope you figured everything out in your situation and I would recommend giving up. I have always felt marriage and relationships are meant to be upheld but you’ve got to consider the other person’s outlook on relationships and see whether you’re just bridging the gap between their mask and themselves. Constantly validating them one way or the other. It’s exhausting because their affection is contingent on your destruction. I wouldn’t recommend ever contacting your NARC again. You will feel weakened and devalued. Just keep your distance no matter what they try to do.
For over 3 years now my N keeps leaving me, it is just a matter of time and I know it’s gonna happen again and that is a crappy feeling to have. It isn’t a matter of if it’s a matter of when and each time it’s so heartbreaking but I feel like he starts a huge disagreement for an excuse to walk out on me. We can have a very simple exchange and the next thing I know he is over the top screaming and cursing and flipping out and scaring my 10 year old and scaring me and he slamming the door and outta here, sometimes a month sometimes it’s a week or two, never know but usually it’s me that contacts him for something and we end up back together and he is so sorry for how he talked to me and how he acted around my children but he still does it again. I live in fear all the time that I will say or do something or one of my children will say or do something that will send him into a rage and he will start screaming and cursing and he will leave.
I have a lot of anxiety almost all the time when he is here yet when he leaves I miss him and I love him and when he wants to come back I always let him. Who should I be upset with, I mean he hasn’t changed, he has shown me who he is so I have myself to be upset with because I keep letting it happen. My family dislikes him and says I act like a battered woman and they don’t want him here of course but I guess I didn’t really see it that way because of all the abuse I suffered growing up I felt like he wasn’t beating me so it wasn’t abuse but this last time he told me “your the kind of woman that makes a man want to beat her” so this time I am afraid of him. Last night he sent me a text apologizing and saying he hopes I forgive him. I want to be strong and be able to stand up for myself this time and not accept this treatment anymore but I know he will show up here and say he is sorry again eventually and idk if I will be able to stick to it 🙁
I know I need help !!! I think he does to, he knows how badly abused I have been all my life and I feel like if he really loved me he wouldn’t treat me this way.
I had to write about my experience. I’ve shared this with no one else but my N and now you. I waz with my N for 4 years and today I finally in my heart finally let him go. I went through 4 years of mental abuse and the lies were the best. I remember every word he said to me. I went through the having sex at night and the next morning him waking up to rage and anger. Just so he could leave. U may be thinking another woman involved. Yes there was the wife. After I had already fallen in love I found out about my N’s wife. Oh I tried to leave but my N won me over every time. It wasn’t until I started googling why he keeps coming back is when I came across the word narcissistic personality. It explained him to the tee. I have been through the week after week break up only to get disappointed again. Why did I continue to stay? Because I loved him. Well during his absence on numerous occasions. I started to take time out on me. Started getting my much needed rest, eating right, staying positive, etc. My N came back. This time with the words I’ve been waiting to hear. But guess what he’s a N something that will never change about him. I’m learning and enjoying loving me. My heart let go.
Such a well written article that sums up the essence of the dilemma and what is at stake when someone returns to a relationship they know to be toxic – despite already knowing ‘how this will turn out’
Thanks for posting.
my mum is 70 and in poor health. she met a much younger man who is a creep, but she couldnt see it and fell in love fast.
He has wrecked her emotionally and she is broken but keeps going back to him for fear of growing old all alone.
He is a psycho and narcissist, and has her hooked on a highly charged sex life.
Mum is insecure and weak, and I cant get through. Say all the right things and wait, ready to catch her when she falls.
its breaking me apart.
I hope my message will help someone. I met a man aged 44 on a dating site. After 2 emails each, we met. He told me his ex left near 3 years before, no warning, taking their 4 yr old & her 13 yr old from a prev. Relationship. He also said she has the Bi Polar disorder. I believed him as he came across as normal. However, 4 weeks later he started acting needy, desperate & text ‘i love you so much!!!!’ After 2 months he wanted to marry me & told me that I’m perfect (I’m just an ordinary female). He told story after story of places he’d been to, great jobs, big salaries he’d earned, university twice, ex partner was a model, brother having an affair with a known celebritie’s wife, house he owned, 250,000 business he has. The lies were awful, every week. After 3 mths he suggested I move in with him so I put my house up for sale 2 months later. I got a buyer after 2 weeks. Amongst things, he wasn’t happy using male contraceptives & avoided them by claiming ‘its the beer’. Id never known how a man could be so limp. He claimed that we’re too old to make babies, if I get pregnant I’m to keep it, then further on, he’d express his disliking of the noise, inconvenience of children. Luckilly I stuck to my guns, but as a result, sex didn’t occur. As soon as id got a buyer & solicitors started, he started wanting to borrow small amounts of money. I said no, then he became abusive, claiming I have no intelligence or compassion, yet he wanted the cash for cigarrettes! During the next 6 weeks, it was terrible, he started getting debt letters, final warning for a water bill, unpaid milkman several weeks, unpaid car insurance, pay loans every month & a court letter for 4 months unpaid child maintenance. He was a computer programmer on good money, but had no money for his heating or hot water. He had spun so many lies & acted like a salesman conning people. On the day I got my contract ready yo sign, he sent me an unexpected text demanding a monthly sum of money that would have left me with very little. I dared to object & he stopped all contact. I sent a text trying to put things right, but I got 3 texts claiming ‘ I find your world utterly boring’. I was also called ‘sad’. After 3 months exactly, he contacted me. I stupidly went back only to find things were worse. He tried to get me to lend him 6000 for a car, I Said no. In his bedroom there were 3 file boxes (no doubt the debt paperwork he’d previously hidden from me). I ended up tracking down his older brother on the internet for advice & it all came out. Terrible with money, known as a habitual liar, lies about his salary, education, lies to his brother, mother & anyone. Turned out he’d only been to college, the big places he’d been to….non existent. The house he owns….repossessed 14 years before. The business….didn’t exsist. The model girlfriend…..i found her on facebook, huge chin, yellowed teeth like pointed pegs, one eye sleepy & the other pulled upwards. The brothers affair with a celebrity’s wife…it turned out that the brother’s wife just has similar hair style &colour. Everything was a fantasy in his head. He had no friends, just Bob, Bill, Bert, Terry propped up in the pub. One birthday card on the window sill from his mother. Overall, he had a life of nothing, along with jealousy, anger, OCD about his expartner having a better time than he is (simply because she can afford to have a holiday and he cant), but squanders cash like a child. If I dared complain, id be cut off from a week to months, I would randomly receive abusive texts at midnight or 1.00am accusing me of being jealous of him and his badly behaved child who had learning difficulties, jack of concentration & what I think was ADHD. He critised &shouted at my son & gave him dirty looks. He asked me 6 separate times in 2 mths for money & I said no every time. Gradually he became Colder, leading up to Christmas, then on the day, he played up verbally, threatening to not come for Xmas dinner. He turned up after I ignored his texts! By Jan, I decided that’s it. But I stupidly went back after 5 months as I missed him!???? I lasted 27 days before finally ending on the grounds that he tells lies, deceitful, dishonest, he’s alcohol dependent, moody,jealous, fill of rage, obssessive about his ex, depresses about his child like he wants to possess her, controlling, manipulative, in debt, takes out loan after loan, extremely selfish, and so on. It was awful listening to him rambling on about wanting to retire to lanzerote, but months before it was Germany. He’d change everything he says, everything was in his head, fantasy like a child of 10, but he was 46. I dared to tell him to try & look to the future, improve himself, think of US & stop getting into debt, but he became abusive & oddly accused me of being spoilt?? I was 47, having to tolerate a 10 year old in a mans body. No sex life, no day trip out anywhere, no birthday card, nothing, no flowers, while he squandered what money he may have had on himself, camera, mobile phone for his 8 yr old daughter & a loan for a convertible car. When i got back with him after weeks, months id discover he’d bought new furnishings, appliances, new TV package, new car&security light to guard the new car. He once claimed to have about 30 different personalities & that he likes an audience. That was before what i know now! I had so much stress, & i strangely ended up with Siatica (which i read someone suffered that while struggling to cope with a N.partner. While i had that, he got drunk,comatosed & had to crawl out of bed to put his child & mine to bed. Before that, he claimed that as its nerve pain, there was nothing wrong with me…..i was a burden, they cant look after anyone unwell. I’ve coped ok for a year & a half single with my son whos 12 now. There’s been many times i wanted to go back, but every time i went back, it was worse. He stalked my dating profile and left messages using ID names such as, Whataloadofcrap, Tiredofthisnow, & Laughterlines. Clearly the last one he was scraping the barrel for an insult. I received 5 friend requests from people who had become friends with almost all of my 40 friends. All the requests appeared different, but all had the same amount of friends. I think i saw him in his car where id get my son from school tho i cant 109% confirm that. Last year i sent him a 6 page typed letter mentioning a large batch of his lies and those above & how disgusting his behaviour has been. It seems he may have sent another message to me via the dating site, but i vowed to never venture there again & id have to pay to read his messages, which would be abusive as his texts were. He was extremely cold & emotionally dead. After a year & half, I’m doing far better. Admittedly, he often appears in my dreams in a positive way & i think about him too much, but to stop that, i need to meet someone new i guess. I do feel strangely that this matter is not a closed book, not for him. I think he’s out there watching me (call me mad lol). Im selling my house at the mo, so maybe eventually i will feel better. The no contact thing is very important for you to heal & realise what a joke they put you through. In the last email i received from his brother, i was told that my N. was severely in arrears with his house rent & facing eviction at the time i was going to move in with him. Also, that was circulating in the local pub! I was also told ‘To be perfectly honest, i think he is looking for someone to fund his lifestyle & pay his debts, otherwise he is not interested. There’s plenty more fish in the sea & you don’t need all this grief’. I felt that after hid brother told me that, if i didn’t leave for good id be looked upon as a fool. As for the ex, I found that she moved in with him only a few months after meeting him &got pregnant without knowing the full story of him. I got told that he spent all her money & when she wouldn’t give him any more, he became violent then some point further on, she left with no warning. Unfortunately for her, he tracked her down by using the police & her car registration number, then raised a court case against her, using borrowed money from his mother. The ex got a residence order & he got access. She can’t get rid if him now. He wants to possess the child completely and fantasised about keeping the girl (not sending her back after her visit) like he was angry at losing his power over the two. Don’t have children with them.
Hi can someone please help me. I think I’ve been in a relationship on and off for 4years with a N. I’m 30 with a 10year old son to a previous relationship who doesn’t see his biological father. The N is 25. We lived together on and off through the relationship and this is the 5th time he has left me. In the relationship he made no effort to make me feel loved or appreciated and I did EVERYTHING for him. He cheated on me in the very beginning only a few months in and then each time he has left he has very quicky been in bed with another woman. When he’s come back he was full of ‘sorrys’ saying he will change. He was very controlling making me cut off my friends and fall out with certain family because he didn’t want me to spend time with my ‘slag’ friends. If we went out to eat he would accuse me of looking at other men. He didn’t like me doing anything with my son but also didn’t want to do anything as a family. He had no time for my son either. Always picking at him. Whenever I cried to him saying he made me feel unloved he would just sit there and be cold to me, he told me I made him feel like he didn’t want to be here because I was ‘moody’ when in actual fact I was feeling unloved. I made so much effort with his family and friends and he didn’t do with mine. He told me he wanted us to have a baby so we started to try then on the day of him leaving 2 weeks ago for the 5things time he told me that he didn’t see a future with me. He has once again got his mother to return some of my belongings and he has blocked me from his phone and all social media. He has started to add younger girls, very attractive and a few are single mothers. I feel so worthless and abandoned and I don’t see my life without him. I want to believe he loved me and it’s broken me down. Can anyone relate. Thank you
Well I dont know if my x was a narc but some things rings a bell!. What Ive know is that he spy on me in every way, cyber stalking, cars outside my house, paid my maid etc etc – it was sick not normal, I end up feeling sick with siatica pain, even with high blood pressure, since I left him all the pain & sickness is gone!. Im perfectly healthy!. Peace of God came back & stay!. I end up going to the authorities for a small punch he gave me & end up all contact with him ask for restriction orders!. The agressor thats how I call him now, was extremely manipulative and extreme controler!. & I catch him speaking with other women on the phone surely he was unfaithfull like someone said poor miserably souls!. God Bless you All – and do whatever to get out!. Its not easy to stay sober but with Crist it All possible! Keep going we all deserve better! We humans evolve!
Hi, I’m just going through the same now just wondering how you got over it an if you have? I feel so lost Xx
I was with a man for 10 years (dating, engaged, married). He was wonderful but then we were apart for work reasons. When we reunited he was a different person – didn’t speak at first, then became accusatory, paranoid, thought I was going to leave him. Thought I stole money, thought I was a lesbean because I wanted to have kids (?!), thought I blamed him that we didn’t have kids (how can we if he won’t touch me), accused me of manipulating the marriage counsellor with 20+ years experience (!), and on and on. Would get mad at me if I texted him, or asked/complained where he was until 3a.m. or 4a.m. Found out he was communicating via text with someone who resembled a stripper but denied it to his friends. He put me down verbally, told me every issue was my fault and that I was to blame for everything and that if he lost his job, it would also be my fault. I was codependent, then woke up, saw the cracks in his crazy self, and then he turned on me. I have never been so scared in my life by his fits of rage over nothing. He told me to pack up my things and go because he wanted a “break”. I moved out all my things because I couldn’t manage the abuse anymore. My parents witnessed it first hand and said “get out now!” because you will live a dark, sad life at the hand of this manipulator. But my question is, does he have a NPD. What do I do now? How do I handle communication with him or do I avoid at all costs?
Please someone help . Im so lost atm . The pain and anxiety wont go away . I ended it with my N . After 5 years on and off . Him cheating pretty much the whole time . The lies betrayel put downs name calling . I thought i was strong but its like all the poison is coming out now and im so so sad . How could i possible still care about this person after what he put me throigh . Up until a few days ago he was calling me . Pleading for me to give him another chance . I tried so hard to ignore and not pick up his calls . I couldnt help it . I wanted to make him understand that we are too broken . That i cant forget what he did to me and that i could never trust him again . Hes telling me he regrets everything that he did to me . I know i cannot be with him . But its just so hard . I want this pain to leave my heart . I want my love for him to die . Please help
Hi,
What ended up happening. Have you moved on at all? How long were you apart for him to start calling you and begging back? I hope you are feeling better. Allison
Yes been here 13 years of it, i would be lying if I said it didn’t permanently effect me. After he left me and the kids for the 7th yes 7th time he didn’t get the attention and response he usually got and the game was up. After 2 years of separation the games are still going strong and he is still the victim who has everybody fooled. The constant one upping never stops the only difference is you beg for silent treatment once they are gone lol! This guy is now engaged to my new partners ex wife cause that one upping and payback is mandatory with a narcissist. Run as far as you can before you have no self esteem!!! If only I had listened to my gut instincts I wouldn’t be where I am today. Good luck everyone.
I am currently in love with someone who is married to a narcissist. He is in love with me as well, but he can’t get away. They have only been together a total of 14 months. They got married after being together for 2 months. We reconnected after the first time she told him she was done and kicked him out. She actually kicked his kids out first. He went back after she started her mind games again. She has kicked him out twice in the past 2 1/2 weeks. I’ve asked him why he keeps going back. Why does he still have feelings for her and his only reply is, “I don’t know”. He’s finally starting counseling to figure it out. It’s so hard watching this happen to someone you truly love.
So what happened?
Get string ladies and walk … it took me 8 months to realise.. I had the love bombing the silent treatment …. get out quick and fast ….
Hello, I have been reading this and its been really helpful. first of all. I am male. I dated what I believe to be a narc for about 6 weeks. and i have to say…it took a toll on me. I know that is not long…but prior i got out of a relationship with a borderline of 5 years. and that really took a toll on me. but i survived. stayed single for a year. Then along comes this awesome woman. it ws great for about 3 weeks then the last 3 were a pure hell. I cant believe how fast it went down hill. it sucks because i started to see red flags but kind of ignored them until all hell broke loose. it took all the tools I had gathered in therapy and self discovery to fight back. and it still had an affect on me. I do believe the older they get..the better they become. I went form the most perfect boyfreind to lousiest piece of shit that ever walked the planet. evey single thing about me was scrutinized. I have tried and wanted to write ot whole story out but its jsut so long and so full of details. But I guess I wnated to write and jsut get it out there. I know…6 weeks and it had an affect on me. it made me realize i have more work to do on myself and c0-dependency. It was also good because I was the one to walk away. but it has not been easy. she hovers but only to tell me what a piece of shit I am. and I have to jsut keep reminding myself. you did everything right. your not a bad person. the person you liked was not real. walk away. there is no fixing this. I am almost ashamed to say I was affected in such short amount of time..but boy did she “love bomb” jsut the right way. knew all the right things to say. anyway…I know this is pretty vague. I am know this is primarly for women. but it all hurts and affects us in the same way. I hope all of you are keeping strong.
An amazingly accurate article.
Describes narcissistic behaviour down to the last letter.
I can not explain how this site has opened t eyes. 16 years ago the N abducted me, battered me and then raped me… To then tell me I made him do it and I believed him. I went back to him… He went to Pakistan and got married and came back to deny it .. I went back to him.. The rape made me feel dirty and I felt no one would want me.. He then just left me.. I went on to get married. My husband was a skitzo and after seven years and a son later I ended the marriage
The N came back, lured me back used me for work sex and abused the hell out of me. Three months ago he told me to piss off because I was a lost cause and he’s blocked m on everything. I am in a bad way. On medication and seeing a psychiatrist. Lost the will to live. I feel for my son that suffers because he doesn’t know why mummy nver talks. I get flash backs about the rape but I can’t tell the police, I can’t handle him laughing at me. I want to get better but I’m hurting because he has made his life a success and used me while I am picking up the pieces and he just looks down on me like I was dirty…I hate me and I hate this world
@Startingnow… OMG as I was reading your comment it’s felt as if I was really myself same amount of time dealing with this one narcr everything you said sounded just like me…wow so crazy all of these comments reading them all of these people hurt by narcissistic azzholes.
My story: I too have been a relationship with a narcissistic animal 8 months… it ended because I stood up to him, he would lie and tell me his phone was “frozen” and that’s why he didn’t contact me for 2 to 3 days… I did believe it at first, It had become a pattern seemed like every time we were on a good note we were doing good getting very close he would have run off, disappear & I can not contact him… he’s done this several times throughout the relationship. The last time that he did this I seen through his lies… i confronted him and “accused” him of cheating….he flipped out…raging, yelling, i tell him stop yelling, he said “I’m doing it because of you, this $hit you are doing PISSES me off” told me it was all my fault that he never want to talk to me anymore… turned it around on me and he called it off…I didn’t say anything just hung up… during this time I did not contact him 2 weeks later he contacts me text me saying I don’t miss him I don’t love him and why am I not worried about him… I didn’t bite into it I just counter reacted by asking him more questions that he did not want to answer all he was worried about was why I didn’t please him why I wasn’t chasing him why I wasn’t up his a$$ like I would have before… that night we got into a 3 hour long argument after that I was done…told him I wanted break up…he didn’t…he said I keep suggesting break uoband he is not…but i said yes you are…that next day he called me… tell me not to talk and just listen…”don’t say one word” he basically told me it’s over with me & him, he never want to talk to me again, I don’t contact him, he don’t contact me and we just hung up…that day hurted but also felt relieved because all i had read and learned helped me. It’s been 2weeks since his so called “discard” and during this past 2weeks he been contacting me separate days telling me he missed, me telling me he loves me, he thinking about me…OMG im sooooo glad I got out sooner than later! To all of you looking for help this is the right place keep Googling about narcissists narcissistic narcissism Google find help you will feel so much better!!! God Bless Us All!!!
I am starting NC right now. After 7 months he discarded me I tried again to have contact with him with all the kindness possible. I was not sure he was a narcissist even if the pattern is completely the same. He started as a friend in a very bad period for me, when I was facing health problems in my family, financial and job problem and love problem. He presented himself as a caring friend ready to help me. I let him inside and after love bombing me and taking control he transformed me in ghost, a transparent version of myself. He filled me with lies. In the end I asked him time for processing my feelings and he left. Discarded me completely telling me things I would have never imagined and using all my weakness to belittle me. He used to say that my reactions to his actions were not his responsibility and that I should have controlled my feelings. He disappeared. He didn’t wanted to talk me in person nor meeting me for having a decent conversation and part as adult. I went through an hell cause I developed a co-dependent relationship. I felt guilty and stupid and pathetic. I tried to get in contact with him again cause I was still feeling for him and I just wanted to know if he was doing good. I thought he was caring too cause after what he said and done I thought he cared. Finally I understood that all he said to me was bullshit, lies and love bombing to convince me to do what he wanted. I wanted to check, cause I was not sure, I wanted to understand how, how could I have been so stupid for falling in love with someone like him… I noticed I was swimming in resentment and he was not giving a fuck, sorry for the vulgarity, of our conversations. Only when he has to talk about his opinions he started a monologue explaining all his thoughts about a specific topic. Didn’t asked my opinion, didn’t even asked if i was actually doing good. I am not giving I’m another chance. He accused me for not fighting for myself enough but actually, not bending myself to his will was taking care of myself. I realised that talking with him was just a way to understand again how mean, sexist and deceiving he is. I will not try to contact him. He also will not search for me again, he said I was annoying cause i was trying to much to understand what he was thinking. Yes, my fault again for trying to understand what he wanted to communicate. I am crying here and I feel ashamed cause I should stronger and I feel ashamed for taking his side with people who was trying to tell me to not trust him. Will I ever go through this. I want to feel good again, even if I was depressed I was feeling better before meeting him. I feel like I cannot have my life and my control back again.
I have been kinda,seeing a classic all the sign Narc for 4 months but get this..she is married..yea, been getting divorced for 4 months, git with me with the classic love bombing , then one day he calls and promises her some money and buying her a condo and bam…gone. She always keeps in touch and 2 weeks out if the blue she goes to Alaska with husband, then out if the blue, he is controlling yada, yada and she drives back to GA (10) days.Now living at her Dad’s and she says coming to see me, but a big sign us these people can not keep promises..says she will call..bam , no call. I notice if you go NC they WILL contact you..she is a liar and even when caught will just gloss it over..she talked so much trash about the husband but went with him for the money (attorney, he is 62, she is 42).One other thing, you can NOT hurt these peoples feelings..you can talk trash all day and it has zero affect, guess since you mean nothing to them. I eventually have to hit permanent NC since physically I would like to get it one more time, but I know in my heart won’t happen, so mind needs to catch up.She is a former crack head, meth head, been to prison that if you saw her walking down the street with her blonde hair and blue eyes you would never know what is inside unless you read the signs, that I found out too late after I fell in love , they are pros, you can’t win and you really don’t want to. I read your post Savannah all the time so I don’t forget what she really is..thanks everyone for the help, now to just have the strength to apply it..what a nightmare.
The NC rule is the bomb! It is the very tool used to release me from my Narc, forever. For those of you who think that they can have contact and control the situation, try it. And, after you have failed, learn from it and practice the NC rule. It isn’t practice that makes perfect, it is perfect practice that makes perfect. Good luck!
Nice read.
Ive dated one person, had sexual contact with one person, and have had an emotional attachement with one person since the age of 17(he was 18). I am now 25. (He’s 26) We have one daughter together, Age 4. My entire relationship I have been cheated on. I always forgave him and took him back. Months would go by and we would be fine and then out of the blew he would cheat again. This has always gone on our entire relationship. He has cheated with ex’s, friends of friends, his friends ex woman. But this time its different. His bestfriend introduced him to a woman (19) last july. I did not learn of his relationship with this woman until april of this year (8 months later). Since april when i found out he has gone back and forth between the two of us, telling her one thing and me another. She and I have had dozens of verbal arguments via text and we have even had a physical altercation. During these 5 months that ive known about her i have found out so much. She had an abortion for him back in october. They were in a relationship all this time. I’ve never felt so low before in my life. This man has done EVERYTHING to me. Even going so far as to blame me for this girl. I blame myself for allowing it. He does not provide for me and my daugther. He has worked two of the 7 years of our relationship. Ive always been the provider. Ive always taken care of our daughther. There has been so much going on in the last 5 months. Im at my breaking point. I just dont understand why I allow him to come back or why I allow him emotionally abuse me. I always had a good foundation. Both parents in the home, they were married. I guess I wanted to give my daugther the same thing. I just chose the wrong person. My dad passed when i was a teen. I just keep wondering. When will i be done for good. Very toxic relationship. Im a hardworking educated girl i just dont know how i found myself in this situation
Today I learned how low low can go! I’ll spare you the details. Bottom line, I’ve been fooled again! This was a new guy. You’d think I could spot them by now, but no. This one is going to cost me, dollars, not heartaches. But still, when will I learn!
Yep… Sounds like my situation. The mother of my child has been doing this cycle since she was 5 months pregnant. We split 2 months ago, she is only nice when she needs something, then tears me down on any little thing she can assume about me. I say assume because I’ve left no room for myself to fight, be angry or intentionally slip. However, she continues.. I feel as though I sound like a sheep now. I want a family, and she has some good qualities. Although I fear she is a narcissist, or has BPD.. I’m making an appointment at a therapist, for the both of us. I need resolutions or closure. Everywhere I read though says they can’t be helped. Is this true…
My ex narc discarded me five weeks ago me after 6 years. It is the third time. Every two years( that I know about) he left me for other girls. I suspect that there have been more though. The first time, I tried killing myself and was in the hospital for 5 weeks. He never expressed anything other than disdain for that and told me how stupid I was. He just quit talking to me 5 weeks ago and has never done that. I begged, chased, and made a fool of myself for 4 weeks. I’ve been NC and I’m trying to make my heart accept what my head already knows. I think I know who he is seeing. She is married and I think that’s why he’s not rubbing it in my face.
Having a hard time..
Dear DayByDay,
My heart goes out to you. The pain you’re feeling right now must be immense. Please go easy on yourself. These guys are highly skilled manipulators and we are truly victims of their con games. You most likely have a kind heart and trusting nature, and he used those qualities against you. Take this time to remember how precious you are, and how evil he is, and celebrate the fact that he will no longer have control over your heart. In your moments – or hours – of pain, focus on the fact that you are now free and there is a wonderful bright future ahead of you. Though you may not see it clearly now, happiness is in your future, and your victory will be found in living your life with a light and joyous heart.
So helpful, your article and the comments left by others.
I have just recently come across this site and am very grateful to have done so! What i particularly like about your site is that the people on it seem to be genuinely interested in becoming non co-dependents and are willing to admit their part in the push-pull of being in a relationship with a narc. I have had so many…ahaha moments from your writing and the replies. Thank you all so much.
Today it happened again. I let it happen again. I’ve read so much about narcissists over the last year. My ex of 30 years is one, the childhood sweetheart I connected with after that ended is one, and the “aha” moment came when I started “dating” a guy that I met online. It was only after I met the third guy – Scott – that I figured out what was going on and what these guys have in common.
I read everything I could find, learned so much, and finally started to find peace with my 30 year marriage and divorce. I realized I was doing things to attract and enable these narcissists. I do consider myself rather compassionate, easygoing, and forgiving, which I now realize are the exact qualities that attract narcissists. But I also considered myself smart, logical, and strong enough to disengage once I figured out what was happening. In fact, I had fooled myself into thinking I could stay detached and maybe “win” this game when Scott reappeared, again and again.
I stayed cool and distant, which seemed to draw him back to me. Yes, as foolish and selfish as it sounds, my intention was to get him hooked and then discard him! I know, it was a dangerous game, but I wanted so badly to come out on top with him. I wanted to walk away the victor! But that’s not what happened. I got hooked! I lost my focus – he is so charming, sexy, funny. It was just like that first cigarette! It was a blissful high and I got lost in it, only to discarded again by him. Dismissed, as nothing, once again. I let him do this to me again! You are right. The ONLY way to win is to walk away.
I have been with mine 13yrs and only over the last 15months have i realised this is what he is.
Hehas almost everyone believing the whole she’s ” crazy story ” from neighbours to friends to the point hekicks me out of my house abusing me threatening me to chasing me up the street because I’ve done exactly what he wanted buthe has now tried to have me committed under the mental health act because at times it feels like the only way ro escape is to end it all we we’re seperated for 4months he’d found his new 20yr old supply in the first 2days i had only just met someone new after 4months of heart breaking pain when he appeared on my doorstep in tears at 7 am apologizing the whole lot was leaving town because he couldnt be in the same town as me because it was to painful found out i had met someone new tracked him down beat the crap out of this guy just to sucker me back in for 12months on a merri-go-round of abuse mental & physical constant threats of violence and how he’d burn my house down. Comes here 3days being perfect and apoligetic then disappears. i contacted him tonight to find out where i stood and as i hung up i herd him say to whoever he is with listen to that pshyco she’s f**n crazy i wanna stand on her throat.. Some one plz help i need advice to where i go to get away cant contact the authorities as it makes him worse i want to just vanish
Thanks for this article. I was married to a narc for four years and finally took divorce early march this year. I was his business partner as well. Thought we could still be professional and continue to work but I could not cope with the hurt of knowing he is with someone else every weekend. So I ended up the business relationship too. I have been so angry at him. We are in two different countries but all I expected from the relationship was some affection which if ever I asked was given a silent treatment. I discussed the issues tried to resolve but seeing he did not even acknowledge my issues and cheated constantly which led me to believe that I must get out of it. Now I am away from him and currently on No Contact. Life isn’t easy but I am hanging in there. I wont lie a part of me want him back but I also know he will be back to his usual emotional abuse once I am back with him. I am trying to get through by reading the blogs and seeing things in reality. Life is not easy as I was addicted to him.
Thanks for your website! I love your analogy of quitting smoking and playing a tennis game.
I only have been with my Narc for around 2 months (He demonstrated quite alot of narc traits as I’m an observant), but he dropped his mask very quickly.
When I wanted to get closer with him emotionally, like asking him some personal questions about his social life etc. He pulled away. I received his silent treatment after a month and on and off, he became more distant and passive. I considered it another silent treatment.
I couldn’t put up with this behaviour as i think it was a kind of humiliation! So I initiated a breakup. He didn’t response.
It’s been more than a week of NC. Deep down, I still want a closure and hear from him. I also wanted to tell him all my feelings about our relationship. But my head keeps telling me he is just a poor soul. He will feel NOTHING as he has no empathy. I will keep looking at this page again and again as a warm reminder to stay strong!
Thank you!
I have been married to one for 8 years, he keeps filling for divorce and won’t let me move on .
I need some advise Savannah.He did it again! I can feel that he sensed me pulling away from him and he is trying to lure me back by telling he love me, miss me, the good make-up sex etc. My instinct straight away tells me red flag but somehow in my heart, I feel good and bad at the same time. I have done good so far but last weekend his actions shook my determination. I know he is talking to other women as well. He even tried to manipulate me by asking me to help him with $2 – 3K so that he could trade!!!! WTF!!!! Why am I still feeling this way when all the red flags have popped up? My emotions is so down right now, have been crying since yesterday till my eyes are so puffy now.
He had not contacted me for 2 days, I should be happy but I am not. What should I do? Please help coz I knw I need to stay away from him for good
Ling you already know what to do. The pull is your disease talking – it’s your addiction and it’s that part in you that wants to have you continue in this cycle. You have the power to tell it where to go. This is akin to quitting smoking or heroin. There will be tugs and cravings but only you have the power to say no – nobody can do it for you. You just have to decide you’re worth it.
My Narc was so subtle in his manipulation and control, I have such a hard time separating the really good parts of him versus the man that did not care about my wants and needs. May we all find the other side that is peace and love!!
Im past the point of any temptation for contact of any kind. I think facebook (which I dont do and never will) is another unhealthy addiction for people, along with texting and email. It reminds me of slot machines and gambeling or doing drugs in its effect on the mind. No judgement, I just think its not good for some of us. My issue I still deal with, is the memories of the emotionally abusive texts and the friends of his who joined in and elected to take his side. Im happy now, but this trauma does occasionally haunt me. I alsi deal with people , friends and family, associated with him coming to my place of work and curiosity and gossip seekers. I just try to hold my head up high and show im not the insane woman ive been portrayed as. Theres also alot more to me than that dark time and that poor judgement. Also, I would add I did do a few things to get even, and telling the truth and not covering and holding secrets was the most effective and satisfying. They sure didnt expect a nice person to finally come out swinging. Anyway, I would recommend people tempted and addicted to someone who is just toying wirh you and enjoying your pain, get therapy and put the cell phone down and get a hobby, read a book, exercise, connect with family. Stop with the intrigue or affairs. Get a real life or appreciate the one you have allready.
My ex, I thought was definitely a narcissist, but since we split up he’s really laying on the charm, and trying to sleep with me. I made possibly a big mistake and slept with him again, and just before he’d told me how he wanted to have a child with me. Which I’ve never wanted, and remember thinking was an insane thing to say to your ex girlfriend. While we were together he proposed to me then de-proposed in a very callous manner, in front of his mother, and then made me feel guilty about being sad about it. Now he’s saying he wants to get me pregnant. And the day after he said this he went away on tour for 2 months. And yet, for some reason, I’m finding myself wanting to be with him, even though I realise he’s a total asshole. WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME????
So, I left my narcissistic husband a year ago. I started a new relationship just after we split up, and I have two kids with my ex which is why I still have to be in touch with him. I acted in ways that were completelz irrational to get away from him and his hold. He constantly tells me that everything is my fault, but the truth is that I left because he was emotionally abusive, verbally abusive and showed a lot of n. traits. And now I sit here, I miss our family so much I miss him, the familiarity of our marriage and family and the standard of living and I want him back. I know in my mind that it will just be the same, he will cal me names, control me etc. but yet, I have this aching desire to be back together as a family. When I told him that i miss him he made a very insensitive comment and now he says he is hurting too but we have to move on. this almost breaks my heart. But I know he is toxic for me. How can I move on??????
Not to bore anyone with details but I fell in love with a narcissist and got married and then divorced. All very quickly. OUR counselor said it would never work. I moved on (or so I thought) with my life. Asked him to leave me alone and started no contact. He spread it on thick…leaving notes on my car, sending me flowers, promising he had seen the light, blah, blah, blah. It all seems so convincing but I dont want to go through this anymore. I took him back….how do I get rid of him??? Help!!!!
This is a great blog and all these comments have really validated the fact that I’m not crazy! After not dating for years following a divorce I started online dating at 60 and the first one out of the box was a narcissit supreme! I was so out of practice that I fell hook line and sinker. Now 6 months after he dumped me, I am still trying to figure it out! I hate that it hurts this much and that he actually got to me! So much of what everyone has posted is so spot on for me. My narcissit kept saying ‘you just don’t care’ and that just made me try harder! I’m glad to know I’m not alone! I thought I was older and wiser, but I guess I was just older!
I’m going through this right now. My N cheated on me just before Christmas and said that I made him do it by my behaviour. Everything is my fault, one day I do something and he’s happy, the next day I do the same thing and he’s mad. He threatened to crash the car and hurt me yesterday he was so mad at a situation which was out of my control. Problem is, we spend a few days apart and I am so easy going and forgiving, I forget what he’s done and accept him back. I should have learnt my lesson a few years ago and be strong enough to not let him back into my life. It’s true what everyone is saying on here, it’s just a game to them. I have tried standing up to him a few times and he gets even more mad, spitting and shoving me around. I have no choice but to agree with the nasty things he says about me otherwise I antagonise him more and get called a liar. No more, this page has given me the confidence to stand my ground and not forgive him again. Thanks to all of you
WOW!! This article is hands-down the most spot-on, infomative, humbling, and well written piece of infomation on the boomerang/back & forth relationship with a Narcissist I have found on the internet. Thank you so much for writing this. It has provided so much insight and inspiration for me. A million times, THANK YOU! 🙂
I have to keep reminding myself of the AA definition of insanity: trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. ‘If I just love him enough’, if I give him great sex, food, attention, etc., he’ll see how great I am…it’s all just ‘crazy making’ and the only one that gets hurt is me. I’m tired of it but at the same time, I get ‘juice’ or a ‘high’ when he shows me attention. Help!!!!
bravo … i was involved for 16 months in a relationship with a women and that made me feel worse and worse intil i was dropped like a hot potatoe or even more completely ghosted … i tried the no contact but 6 months later on her birhday we had a long call and all the pain surged again … feeling great now trying to heel that bigwond from my miserable childhood
As hard as we’d like to believe our “relationships” we’re real….Not ONE portion of it was. These are severely emotionally f**ked up people. It’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that a person could be this horrible. The sooner you take your emotions out of it and replace it with FACTS….your days will get shorter with pain and longer with clarity and healing….I stayed way longer than I should have. Partially for my need to fix, partially to study this person. Every and I mean every theory I tested with this person was true. These are evil people. As they get older they get worse and more bat-shit crazy. No one deserves to be abused. Leave these people where you left them and pick yourself back up. Life’s about choices. I’ve always known that, and I’ve executed that in most areas of my life, but when your raised to believe youre responsible for making other people happy, it sets the tone for your life. I didn’t even realize I was raised this way….I can go on and on about my realizations. A lot of times we’re groomed for this.
Second post today but who else is there to talk to about this? Not like any of my friends would be able to undersrand. I barely understand it but I’m gaining more understanding each day. I don’t know if I could trust anyone to even tell this to anyway.
So in my earlier post, I wrote that we had made somewhat of a plan to meet exactly at the same place we met 25 yrs. ago. Winter of 1990. That was supposed to happen this weekend. I sent that email saying my plans had changed, I won’t be there. Email because I am blocked from his phone.
Now, I am wondering if I just should have gone. Regardless of hearing from him or not. That way, had he not shown, maybe (in my mind) I could have had some closure. However, closure has come over and over again and I have seen it but not recognized it for what it is. I have not heard a word from him but am sure he has read the email. I guess I was expecting him to text me and tell me to come. That he will be there. That’s my fantasy. In reality, he will drop a text here in the next couple of weeks blaming me for it not happening.
He says his wife and children are moving to DC with him in July. So here he has been since Jan., in a city close to me and had every opportunity to see me and hasn’t.
Can I say I would not take this sort of treatment from anyone. I have cut people out of my life very easily. Why can’t I do the same with him. We are both married, unavailable and he comes to me for feedings once in a while and then gone again. I need to get a grip and move on. I can not continue this cycle with him. We are no contact and only contact is when he says. I am being treated with total disreapect.
How can I cry disrespect though when that’s what I’ve done to my husband and this marriage for at least the last three and a half years. I’ve been wondering if he was just a distraction. Just the need to move on and get over the N?? It was close to two years since the N and I had broken up and six months since my last face to face with N when I met my husband. I was happy. We both were. I had really begun to see the N for what he was just didn’t know exactly WHAT he was.
There was just no getting past all the weird porn crap, the hostility, the physical abuse…..something inside me said it would be that again but worse. Something would not let me go back so when I met my husband I was glad to move forward. We dated a year, got engaged and then married seven months later so we didn’t rush it. Took our time. I liked what I saw and wanted him. I just don’t understand what the hell happened thirteen years after getting married that caused my head to swivel back in the direction of that idiot!?! Can someone PLEASE answer this for me!!!
I want my marriage. I don’t think I could tell my husband all the crap that’s been going on. I am afraid it would hurt him tremendoulsy. He has trusted me and I have been a failure.
If anyone can shed some light on my situation please do so. I am trying to be strong. It is just a mess.
This entire webpage has been a major eye opener to me. I discovered this back in April when I was home for three days with a sick child. Was able to spend some time reading and finding out exactly what I have been dealing with the past 20 yrs.
Mine is such a story and one that needs told. After reading the comments I now have the courage to share it.
I met him when I was 20 yrs. old. Just a couple days after my 19th Birthday. I was a sophomore in an out of state college and living the party life full force!! It was a chance meeting. Very chance. He lived in the town where I was attending college. He was military and on leave from his station in Europe. He had been home for two weeks and when we met, we spent two glorious weeks together. Slept together in that time as well. I considered this a fling and really was not interested in anything else. He still had a year and half of his over seas tour to finish along with another year in the States. I still had three more years of college to finish. Did not see a future there,but boy did he hook me hard. He was beautiful. Just gorgeous. Shy, quiet and so tender and sweet. I was outgoing, outspoken, funny and just the life of the party. We looked good together. People noticed us.
Our last night together, I remember telling him that it was so unfair that we met now and how were we going to last another year and half with him overseas, etc…remember, this is 1990. No internet, no cell phones, long distance, overseas charges outrageously expensive. I had a phone in my dorm room and snail mail of course. I get an early morning phone call the next morning from him. He is at the airport and tells me he loves me. I remember laughing and telling him that he didn’t even know me! How could he possibly love me! So see, I had SOME sense about me.Even back then.
We began a long distance mail correspondence. Took forever for letters to get back and forth. I finally lost interest,wrote him a dear John and continued my way through classes, friends, parties, life. However, I could not stop thinking about him. Hadnt heard from him in almost a year and decided to drop him a letter. The Gulf War was going on and I really was wondering if he was safe and how he was.
He sent me a letter back. Telling me he was due back in the States in a couple of months, had another thirty days and would I want to see him. That day finally came in early summer and I drove to his town. We got a motel room, partied, laughed had outrageous sex. Spent that month going back and forth between my town and his.He was leaving to his station of nine hours away so I was determined to spend as much time with him as possible.
One detail I have left out. I am a white woman and he is a black man. My parents were strictly against dating outside of your race. Different times where they had come from. They were older when they had me so very set in their ways. So I was keeping a HUGE secret during this time. Let me say this. I never looked at him as a color. I saw him as a beautiful man who was my first love. I looked at him as someone who along with me, overcame time and distance in order to be together. I KNOW the secret bothered him. Big time. He wanted my family to know about him. I was dependent on them for financial support so I felt trapped there, but I also didnt want to hurt them. I juggled trying to make everyone happy which in turn left me in total angst at times on the inside. He hated being my secret. I feared being found out.
He leaves again. By this time, I am out of the dorms and in a apartment by myself. He travels home to see me as much as he can. I travel to his base a couple of times. First red flag….he is in my apartment asleep after driving all night to come for a long weekend. I had just returned from class and he asked me to run out to his car and get his bag for him. While getting the bag, I see what appears to be a letter. NOt caring about snooping, I open it up and read it.A love letter from a girl. Very evident that they are together. I went back in, guns blazing and went off! He does not say too much. I make him CALL HER with me standing there and he tells her he has a girlfriend and he can no longer see her. YOu know, I can not remember him ever apologizing for this. However, I do know that a couple weeks later, I end up in student health very sick. I am told that I have herpes. I was absolutely tore up, heart broken. I call him. He denies it all. Saying he has something too but not that and I probably got it from my prior boyfriend. I had been broken up with prior for two years!!! I knew it was him. Knew it. Just did not want to face that this man I was madly in love with had another girl near the base and now had given me an uncurable std. I turned a blind eye.
His year was up and he was coming home. Finally. After being separated by oceans and states, he and I were finally going to be together. He immediately moved into my apartment and we were so into each other. It was crazy. He planned on attending college on the GI bill and I was still attending college. He had bought me an engagement ring, put it in my finger but I dont remember any sweet way of him asking me to marry him. It was just a kind of here you go type of deal.
What I remember is him contributing absolutely nothing financially to expenses. He was living off of my parents dime as they paid my apartment expenses while I was in school. Yes, I was very spoiled by my parents. They had no idea he was living with me. When they came to visit he had to disappear which he hated. He threw that up in my face constantly. I kept telling him that as soon as I was self sufficient I would tell them. He never once said let me take care of you financially and you dont have to worry about it. He was receiving a military check once a month but wasnt doing anything but staying up late, sleeping late at my place.
I was going to school, working a part time job and he finally got a part time job and began going to school. He was extremely jealous of my friendships, and really of me I think. He kept me isolated in that apartment. Never wanting to go out anymore to dance or hang with our friends. I began feeling very lonely and he started to become cold and distant.
What I remember very well though was his insatiable appetite for sex. He ALWAYS wanted oral sex from me and I discovered he was into porn big time. Movies, magazines. He always wanted to have mirrors set up to watch us having sex. I thought it was just his preference so I never questioned it. Or was I more like in a sad state of denial. As far as the porn, I justfied that away as I was the one in his bed at night.
This story is so long but i have to tell it. Living with him became too much to bear. The fighting, yelling, his cold behavior, blaming me for everything. I also found out that he had been raised by grandparents. The story I received from someone who knew him was that his mother had commited suicide when he was three. I also heard that his dad had killed her but his grandparent knew people in the court system and had it all covered up and made to look like suicide. Also, his Dad went onto to have SEVERAL children with another woman but didnt take care of any of them. Brought them all to his mom to raise who was already raising the guy I was with and his older sister. I feel like his family life, upbringing made a HUGE impact on his development.
Oh and…something else I thought odd about him. He told me that one time, he had tried to kiss his best friend and that had ended a long term friendship (he was male) and I caught him putting my mascara on one time. He said he was trying to get in touch with his feminine side. Thought this was all weird but brushed it off. Could he have been closet homosexual or bisexual?
The relationship was crumbling and I finally told him to get out. He wasted no time in packing his stuff and moving into a new apartment. No contact wasnt an option as I was so in love with him I could not stand myself. I was hoping some distance would help us but it didn’t. Not at all. He began seeing other women immediately. Denying and then I would find girls there and he was like ÿouré the one who told me to leave remember? He had crazy making down to a science. I was struggling in my classes, not eating, sleeping. always worried about what he was doing. Stalking his parking area for his car or other strange cars. You name it. A girl I worked with told me he had come onto her, he said he had screwed my neighbor. It just got out of hand. He choked me in one argument and I had to call the law. Just nuts.
We were still seeing each other and he was still doing his thing and sneaking around when we had a huge snow and he was snow bound at my place. We decided about getting back together and trying to make it work. I told him his extra women had to go. He acted like he had no clue about any extra women. I had actually told my parents about him after he moved out. I felt so guilty, crying on the phone to them. Told them he had moved out and we were through. They were very forgiving but must have noticed or sensed something. I went home for a weekend when the snow finally melted some and they told me that at the end of the semester, they wanted me back home. They would no longer finance me living there, they knew something was wrong with me and wanted me away from there. As I sat listening to them, I cried inside because I knew in my heart, they were right. I would never be happy with him and the only way to break the cycles with him was to leave the area. I had one class left and they would figure out a way to help me commute it. I saw the sincerity in their eyes as they said they wanted only the best for me and could not stand by to let me destroy myself with him. They knew. They knew I was with him. they knew I was ready to get out of it but no support to do it. They added some tough love but support at the same time.
I returned back that weekend and he came over as I said I needed to talk to him. I very calmly explained that we were never going to be happy together and it was time to cut ties. I would be leaving in a couple of months and we needed to just end it as neither one of us were happy. He said what about this past month? I thought we were working on it? I told him that I tried and it just was not going to happen for me.
Wow, this next part…..the next thing I knew, he sucker punched me in the eye, i fell on the floor and he hit me three good times in the ribs. I must have blacked out for a minute. Here I was a medium sized girl and he was 6’4 and 230lbs. The impact left me not able to breath and bleeding profusly on the side of my eye. I remember him crying and screaming look what you made me do. You need to go to the hospital. You need stitches. I could not even stand up. He had to get me up. It was pitiful. I had three broken ribs, eight stitches and a black eye. He drove me to the hospital. Kept saying he was going to wreck and kill us both. Tried to lie in the ER about what happened. He left in handcuffs, I left a battered woman….
There is so much more detail I could give. So much. I left that night. Took what I could. Came back later with my parents to clean out the apartment. He called over and over at my parents house. My Dad would hang up on him. Funny, the charges didnt stick with him. I wondered if his family had managed to get them dropped. I was still in love with him. Imagine that. Bleeding, bruised, left my apartment, my job and still in love. He BEGGED me to come back. I tried to actually. I went to see him a few times. He said over and over how it would never happen again and he was so sorry. For me, there was just no coming back from that. Plus, I had total support from my family and I just could not spit on that and turn away from it. I loved them so much but could not separate my feelings for him.
We would meet from time to time and basically, have sex.That is what it was coming down to. I had a horrible time breaking contact. I saw him last in Sring of 97. My Dad had died unexpectedly in Jan of that year and I was still living at home helping my Mom. She was a mess. He told me that I had always let others influence me and wanted me to come back. I said I could not just leave her plus it was meaningless sex that day. Very robotic and mechanical with him. What I found very disturbing was on the back of his bedroom door, he had cut pictures of nude women from porn mags. and had them taped all over the door. What I would have dismissed probably a year prior, I now found retching. It was so disgusting and he didnt seem to care at all.
I left that day and havent laid eyes on him since. He would still continue to call. Ask and ask for me to drive up and see him. I said no. I then met my now husband. He called and I told him I was with someone. To leave me alone and move on. We married and have two beautiful children. While we have encountered some bumps in the roads, the marriage has been good and he has been faithful, loyal and respectful towards me. A great Dad to these kids.My family loves him and he has been a great provider. Which leads me to wonder how in the world I could still think about this stupid N after all these years. Yes, he is an N. Displays all signs. I think he is more cerebral but the somatic is there too.
2010. Due to a trusty little invention called Facebook, I look for him. Dont ask me why. Boredom in the marriage? Taking for granted what I had always dreamed of having? There he was in his profile pic. Beautiful smile and all. Took me a while but I messaged him. Mainly out of curiosity. Wanted to see how he was doing. He replied. He was floored. Exchanged numbers and spoke on the phone. Very happily. He was married, one child. May I add that I FB stalked and found his wife. I was very surprised. I hate to speak badly but he was all about how I looked all the time. I am a very attractive woman. Even now at 45. He absolutely dialed down so to speak. She was nothing like I expected but I could tell from her smile and some of her comments, very nice. Also comes from money which he is also all about. She is very close to her parents but it looks like they are accepting of him. He has taken her about six hours away from her family. She is just not what I expected from him to move on to. I wonder if he bullies her the way he bullied me or puts her down, blames her for his shit, plays mental games, etc….
I am sad to say that I have been back involed with him for five years now. He controls the entire thing. Texts only. No phone calls, no face to face. Five years like this. I actually went total NC in summer of 2013 for a year and half. Best thing I could have done. He never even tried to reach me by email which he could have done. I forgot to reset block and he texts me in Jan. All the sweet words, wanting pic of me, etc…Took me about two weeks and i replied. Thinking he wanted more this time which I know is horrible of me considering I am married to a wonderful man and we have a good home together!!!! Why would I want this piece of shit????
It did not take long and he started again. Blew real hot then cold. Saying his phone was messed up, didnt get my messages, saying I was the crazy one. He sent me a pic of his penis, saying it was all for me. I allowed it. After all these years, I allowed it.
He is in the process of transition to move. Govt. job in DC. More success and power for him. Unless he is blowing smoke like he loves to do to make himself look great. He has himself up on a high platform.
So here it is. We are supposed to meet this weekend. Place that we met the first night. Have not heard a word from him. Did I mention that he has me blocked now on his phone? He unblocks to shoot me some texts from maybe ten or so minutes of exchange. Then blocks again.Isnt that some shit. I email and ask him how he justifies this behavior. No response. I can not go Sat. I know now i can not. I sent him am email yesterday asking him what his plan was and I needed to know something as I was not driving all that way, arranging my day to go and he be a no show. No response. I just sent an email telling him I am not coming. Funny, he said he was there a couple of weeks ago but did not bother to message me at all to try to come and see him.
I think he had no intention of coming at all. He wanted me to be the one to break the plan. Well, I did and just dont give a damn anymore. I look at what I have here and then look at him and there is no comparison. What in the world was I thinking? That I could have both???
I need to work on me. I need to go total no contact again. I did for 13 years!!!!! Why oh why did I open that box to destruction again????? Worse mistake I could have ever done to myself because I had gotten to a good place. Did I need to see that I could get him again? That I still had that power over him? In turn looks like I was the one who was really being played. He was the one holding the cards.
I know this was long and could have been longer but this is my story. He was my first love. There was so much passion. We had great times together but so many lies, destruction, violence , mind games. I was so smart to walk away even though it hurt like a mother. I have been given a wonderful man. I need to figure out why he is not enough to satisfy me and why i feel like i needed to return to this garbage. I am in a career that I really love and have been sucessful. I love my children and husband dearly. I feel like God gave me exactly what I had always wanted but still wasnt satisfied. I have to figure out what it is with ME. I can not keep avoiding the real issue here and that is going down, way down inside of me and finding out what is really wrong that I would think I need this N and his crumbs for some happiness. Thanks for reading.
Well I fell in love with this man thirteen yes ago he was my best friend and I thought my soul mate.but I found out two yes ago he was not.this is a person who is a pathological liar a cheater .with the constant triangulation of contradictions the blame shifting and trying to manipulating me on a daily basis.i I finally left and now once I’m not there with him I really see the signs of a narccists.its unbelievesble how some dosent take no responsibility for the actions or what comes out of there mouth..nothing was ever his fault it was my fault all the time.in the beginning he made all these promises and never followed through.I could never count on him for anything he started accusing me of cheating but he was the one not coming home at night and constantly nitpicking at me and on a weekly basis kicking me out of his house there was a couple if times me and my two dogs had slept in the car.and the next day he wouldn’t even give a shit.anyways long story short I felt he used me. I I used to have a saving account but not no more he used it right up.so one day I left and never come back and to this day I’m trying to get my property out if his house and its still a fight.I’m glad u seen what was going on
Wow! On perfect point. My N finally moved out of my home this past weekend – I was on pins & needles he’d come up with ANOTHER sad excuse to not follow through on his word. I did not know he was an N until I started looking around online and found this blog and others. I thought I was going crazy. I’ve been in recovery for over 14 years, attend 12-step meetings regularly, have a therapist and a wonderful network of friends, co-workers & family. He fooled all of us for nearly 3 years until I absolutely decided to pay attention to my physical sicknesses and the clues my body was giving me. He’s a pathological liar and is not dependable in crisis. He turns every “discussion” on me. He refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and non-actions. He refuses to discipline his children or respect boundaries. He has left over baggage with his ex-wife (part of his harem, I presume)I woke up when my beloved dog of 16 years passed away a couple weeks ago – I had an aha moment realizing the love, loyalty & respect my dog and I shared was true love and what N and I had was sick love. I am NC for 2 days and counting. Get out. Leave. He will not change and we can’t change them.
This entry is right in evey way, the anxiety, the games, everything. I have been free of my narcissistic ex for 4 years, now, a single parent man with custody of our two kids (right now she is on holiday with her older lover, when I say older, I mean 20 years older!, man with money!!!), alas, 1 paragraph that really struck home with me was the smoking analogy, it is very true that when she kept coming back, all the same things keep recurring and then I remember all the reasons as to why I left her in the first place, the games never end with these folk, I now have zero tolerance for her, Looking back, she was devious when I met her, she is even more devious now, she has just learnt to hide it better, but now I see the signs, her game is up, I can only pity the next blind man that falls for it!.
Rock on and enjoy life without them.
I just read this blog entry again. I have really been struggling the past few months. I had posted I was going NC. I wrote him an email telling him so.
Savannah responded…why even write an email? Just go NC. he needs no explanation. Well u r so right. Cause I got sucked back in. With his response begging me not to cut off contact.
So I resigned myself to being his “friend”. He is still unemployed. I told myself just support him until he gets a job then stop all contact. It was a copout. I am afraid of being alone. No I’m afraid of being without him. It makes NO sense.
But contact with him is causing me such emotional turmoil. I will NEVER get over the lies, the harem, the double standard. It was all so hurtful. And talking to him still just keeps it all alive. I have been calling him as he “needs” me to get going and stay motivated. He LOVES to talk on the phone for HOURS. I know he is with someone when he can’t talk. I was so upset. Even though I don’t want him back and have made that quite clear I have all the same old feelings.
So we had a heated discussion via text. I finally told him i’m done with this nonsense.
I am going to seek counseling. He has a ridiculous hold over me. I have to get past it.
I am choosing these blogs randomly. But they are hitting vital truths about me hard. The last blog I read here was about no contact. I questioned myself for reasons why I let the narcissist get me.. And again and a again. Like I said. I had the intuitive feeling of do a runner and fast. Instead and now to be honest not with any one else. But to be honest with my self and I alone.
All the hints were there. Narc told me what he was going to do to me. I choose to ignore that warning. The 1st time he shut me out having no explanation, reason or why. He text my cell I told him I will call him right back on the work phone (I was at work).I called 30 seconds later he did not answer. OK he said he was tired from work. I thought to let him sleep. Did not text any more that night. He work 1st Shift I 2nd shift we never lived together. Geez it was only 7 weeks. Any way I get this nasty text the next day.
“even tho I was a sleep you could have text me good night.
You been acting funny lately. You wanna play the fuck it game I will show you how to play it. Have a wonderful day”
Yikes….it scared the shit out of me. But in my little world I did not text him goodnight as we have been doing since we meet online. Of course he started that routine and then cut it out. It really does not matter that he “set me up” again. Well It does, but the point is he let me know that he was playing a game. And that this game he played to perfection. I knew almost from the best beginning. I wrote him a poem about how I did want to play this game. That it was poison. That it was going to kill us. Bet he ate good off my fear that day. But I knew and still stayed and went back for more. I thought I could at least break even.
Other hints like the narc would say
I like a lot of attention
You are just like my 3 ex girl friends. ( to that I said dont compare me to them, oh its me and all those other woman huh)
He said “you rite its me”
He made a comment about how silly I was. I said oh you love it. People always respond like that damn.
Narc hollowed out look and all says “who are you to tell me what I love”.
Looking back I under stood what those words meant. I choose to ignore the truth to take the pain again and again.
I was a child playing a game oh boi
Oh by the way I have to stop smoking cigarettes, before the surgery Lord i just hit it.
No Contact
I came across your blog as I was looking for information on boundary busters.
Your blog is really, really informative. Thank you for taking the time to write.
I do not know if my husband is a narcissist. However, I do know that we have been playing a game for a very very long time. The game looks something like this: He dangles little carrots in front of me and I gobble them up…completing ignoring all the poor relationship behaviour he has exhibited. He has cheated on me, lied and manipulated me. He does not show love and affection unless it is on his terms. He smokes alot of marijuana and I recently found out he has been doing cocaine. I kicked him out of our house. Finally.
Getting to that point has been a labour of self love. A year ago I decided to get some counselling. I had been to therapy before but this time was different. I have a 2 year old son and I was feeling so anxious about making mistakes with him that I had to figure out what was going on inside of me. I was committed. I was determined. Well….what I found was the following: low self esteem, core negative beliefs that I am unlovable and will be abandoned, zero knowledge of what relationships should look like, no conscious knowledge of my boundaries and values. It was a mine field. I have worked really really really hard this past year. When I found the cocaine I said to myself….what the f*** am I doing with this person? He doesnt show me love, he doesnt listen to me, he doesnt take care of me or my son, he does what he wants when he wants, he doesnt respect my boundaries (one of them is no drugs), he is checked out. I reminded myself that I am loving, lovable and loved. That I worthy and awesome. That I deserve a true partner who truly cares for me and my son. And I asked him to leave.
Since he has left he has seen me and my son a few times. He texts me when HE wants to see him. When it is convenient for him. I still struggle with kicking out my sons father. My son deserves an awesome daddy. But my husband is not an awesome daddy. Under these feelings is my inner child. That little girl whose dad walked out and she felt destroyed. I console that little girl and I feel better and I know I made the right decision. I hug my son and tell him he is ‘mommys special little boy’ everyday. I give him hugs and kisses. I tell him he is loved.
Thanks for your blog. I will continue reading 🙂
“The giving-in-process is really about unresolved issues from your childhood. It’s so painful and so easy to submit to what ails you, because you’re not just dealing with the immediate separation anxiety from your Narcissist, you’re dealing with a lifetime fear of abandonment, not being loved enough, not being worthy enough and not being good enough.”
Not completely true.
Sure we all have crap from our pasts and childhood. But when you work at it, letting it go, giving yourself worth BY yourself (and with God), are forgiving of yourself-knowing we’re all one and flawed, and know that others’ issues have NOTHING to do with you-‘cuz they were like that before YOU got there-and sometimes before you ever were born…
It is the literal biochemical sensitivity you have to WITHDRAWAL.
To go from having someone in your life so regularly, talking daily at the very least, then to an ABRUPT NOTHING…your anxiety/mind/and PHYSICAL BODY will FEEL it hardcore.
That shouldn’t be ignored, I wish anyone addressed it.
Otherwise, you have some pretty good articles. 🙂
Thanks.
BB: You’re right there is a bio-chemical element when you’re suffering from withdrawal, but to say that the psychological aspect isn’t equally or more important would be wrong. What remains when the physiological cravings are gone? – the psychological ones. What about psychological triggers? Withdrawal is a lot more complected than just the biological, but you bring up a good point.
I left my Narc and went total NC at the end of August. He is MARRIED and I left my marriage FOR him but am now divorced and single. Besides having all the sick, twisted qualities of a Narc, throw in the fact he was married. I was forever having the carrot dangled in front of me to just hang in there until he got things worked out on his end where he could leave. I finally decided I had enough craziness and realized I was MISERABLE so I broke things off.
I had a few times where I was really torn because he contacted me and begged me for another chance(s). I am in counseling and had an emergency session to see if I SHOULD give him another chance. I loved her response. She said – “Take the mountain of evidence you have over here (points to the left of her) that shows he is NOT good for you or a decent person. Now show me over here (pointing right) what qualities he possesses that will prove to me you should take him back?” I blinked, thought a moment and said, “Yeahhhh, I got nothing!” She replied, “Then I think you have your answer.” I told him in no uncertain terms would I give him another chance. That we were done FOREVER.
I had been trying on-line dating and going out, but wasn’t having much luck. I finally decided to give myself a break and just “be alone” and reset to get to know myself better. So what do I do 3 days after that? I answer a text that my Narc JUST HAPPENS to send to me.. now we are not only texting a lot, we are talking on the phone a bit AND the worst part is we work together so he has incredibly easy access to me whenever he wants with IM or by just picking up his work phone.
I have told him I’m not getting back into a relationship with him again..he says he doesn’t want that either–and he doesn’t plan on changing his situation at all. Not that I want that because I know it would never work if he wasn’t married. He is BAD NEWS, but being so co-dependent, it’s like he’s now my only contact with the opposite sex, so I’m talking to him.
I guess I just tell him the last few days have been fun? But no more talking? I can feel him drawing me in and he’s thrilled I’m talking to him again..of course he is! I’m feeding his ego! 🙁
LEBBY – It’s not too late. You can start No Contact again. Like any addictions – you just go back to being a few hours and then just one day “clean”. You don’t have to carry on interacting with him just because you started to. He hasn’t changed and he won’t. You don’t need to explain yourself to him or anyone. What you have to do is what will keep you sane, and, in the end, happy – No Contact. The games these men play are far too high a price for their company.
Thanks again Savannah for your great blog!! I am reading them over and over every day!! This day has made the third day i have not spoken to my narc. and I am praying every day that he dose not call because I am getting stronger each day!! every time i think about his actions and how he treated me, which I didnt deserve I could try and get him back, but becuause its not me to hurt people. I just pray to recover my joy and my happiness!! thank you. Getting stronger in paradise!!
I’m glad I found this site as I was just going to respond to my husband, a narc. I left him 6 months ago and don’t understand why I sill want him back in my life. He had me arrested for hitting him on the chest ( I have never had a ticket yet alone been arrested) I had all of that removed off my record and he dangled the carrot over me about putting it back on my record. He tells me in every email about all the women who are after him because he is a good catch, good looking, successful and that he will be getting married soon after we get divorced. But then he sends an email telling me “he loves me and to come home, that would be the greatest Christmas gift for me.” I don’t know why I believe him, he writes things that just make my heart melt. I left because I thought I was going crazy!!!! it was all my fault and he demanded that I submit to his authority as a so called Godly man! he told me that I screw everything up, that I need help and in the end I walked on eggshells never knowing if he was hot or cold. I did think it was me and went to counseling to figure out what was wrong with me. I left him while he was on military duty, with no money, no job and had to move in with my parents. I left a great job for him, my family and friends and moved to the East Coast where he had me secluded and that is what he wanted. We had the big house, I didn’t work, was active in my church, never had to worry financially and I guess sometimes I miss that because my life is so difficult right now that sometimes it seems it would just be easier to go back. I was told by a counselor that the abuse would be worse if I went back and seeing some of these posts of women who did that and how it was worse for them made me wake up. I just want my life back and I pray that someday I will truly meet someone who loves me. Thank you for all the posts.
Everything makes perfect sense now that it was never me with the problem. He came to me at first everything I ever dreamed of and more, for the first time in my life I finally knew what it was like to be happy and truly in love, for me anyway. The showering of love, affection, fake devotion, was more than I had ever dreamed of. Then phase 2 verbal abuse that slowly chipped away at me, you’re fat (I’m not)your hair is like a halloween wig, your eyes are out of whack, your female parts are loose, on and on. I stayed like a fool wanting the man I fell in love with to return. He is antisocial but I found dating sites he made looking for younger women, the same day he signed up he gave me a gift and a long love letter. When a sure thing a 22 year old, he is 47 came his way he threw away 4 years like they were nothing..I STILL chased after him! His response to my love letters, to hack my FB, find out my car had a small engine fire, he then called the police and told them I committed insurance fraud. I think now maybe he rigged my car to get me out of the way for the kid who had daddy issues. I was arrested (my first at age 52) case was dropped but my arrest photo is permanently online for all to see in different sites.If I had been sentenced it could have been 5 to 10 years in prison. when his little girl got back with her husband he came crawling back, and I am ashamed to say I gave him a chance. The abuse was a thousand times worse, spitting on me, shoving me so hard I had to have back surgery. He hides behind the church as a licensed minister, talk about a wolf in sheeps clothes. I’m trying to fix my life and health now after finally realizing the guy I fell in love with wasn’t real.I lost everything cause of him, my health, my government job, all my jewelry to sell and keep him spoiled in gifts to start. He wont hold a job, stays up all night playing video games and sleeps all day. Since I have known him he has lived with me 3 years and he didnt work, then 9 other places as he is all and mighty and doesn’t have to pay rent and gets kicked out after he cons people for about 8 months to feel sorry for him.. Is delusional that God told him he would one day win the Lotto. He lives in a fantasy world.
This is the 2nd article I have read here. I’m amazed to see my life follow patterns found on the internet and in discussions, books,or blogs.
The email I wrote just yesterday I told him, I cannot watch him dangle what I want in front of me anymore but open give it to others. But that is just the first phase for them, I’m well into this game and the damage is severe. For so long I thought I had lost my mind, now I see I was just a pawn in a psychotic game of chess. The women, the moeny, the secrets, the lies, he is a transient who takes from another and then another and another. He has no empathy, he is only worried about himself. The way he walks away, with his peacock feathers out for everyone to see… Now I understand why I sttod there and watched.
Just last week he asked me for money, when I said no and that I can not longer do this anymore, all he said was well then don’t.
Now I see why.
Thank you
I just came across nicole scherzingers video of her song called RUN. The lyrics are clearly about a narcisistic relationship and she sings it like shes really in pain. Listen to her Very powerful advice: my advice for the next one RUN.
Just cut the cord with a man who is the master manipulator. Love this post. He went after me from an internet dating site, and what is funny is he recognized me from a couple years prior, we knew each others families and exes. I should have listened to my gut, when I saw such synchronicities between him and my ex. Same thought pattern, same outlook, same birth month, only this guy was a lot happier, more energy, more upbeat. He is a doer, works hard, helped me around my home, I gave him about $3000 for work that was promised to get done because he needed money to pay bills/rent. I trusted him. He used the money to take his ex and his boys down to his home town for a visit, instead. But kept in touch with me the whole time. He would come over to the house and do work, get a massage, we would cuddle, no sex, just get close. He said the whole time he only wanted friendship, which is all I needed also, then one night after about 5 months we had sex. Game over. It got to close for him, I could feel and see he had feelings for me that he wouldn’t acknowledge and ran from instead. Then blamed me saying he only wanted to be friends. He says he believes in spirituality and oneness, but to me is a false prophet. He doesn’t practice what he preaches. Whenever he was hurting or needed someone to talk to, I was always there, as I would be for any friend. He was not ever there for me. He has his internet harem on facebook that feeds his ego and will never know the real person he is. He says one thing, does another and has no conviction or integrity. He doesn’t walk the walk, he is all talk. I am happy that I never had the chance to meet his boys, he told me of an experiment he was doing, by giving praise to one jar of rice and talking mean to another jar of rice and seeing the results. Well the jar of rice that was given praise molded, while the jar that was talked mean to didn’t. He said he was going to hide that fact to his boys, and start anew. Seeing is believing, but hide the facts and don’t see life for what it really is. It was always all about him and how others viewed him. I am so happy I found this site and thank you for your blog!
I’m writing AGAIN because this blog said so much to me and all the stories at the end have added so much. It is so much the SAME story; OMG I have never realized it so fully. My stuck spot had remained guilt, I realize, guilt that there was something more I could do to save the relationship. A small thing released me from that guilt this week. I was an article explaining a narcissist in a relationship, not as a narcissist, but as someone who would only go for win/lose, with him winning and the spouse losing. The story was clearly of a narcissist and a codependent, and the codependent finally realized her situation and broke free, children and all, and moved to a different state. The frame of reference in this article was the principle of seeking win/win, as in industry. The Aha! moment for me was that a narcissist cannot seek win/win. It must be either win/lose (with him winning) or even at times lose/lose, but NEVER win/win. He cannot think that way. And the principle is to never settle for win/lose; if you cannot achieve win/win, you need to go for “no deal”. And “no deal” is divorce/separation. He will come back time after time and make another offer, and it is not until we realize that he will NEVER make and carry out a REAL win/win offer that we are ready to call “No Deal” and not even listen to the next offer. I am there. And No Contact is helping keep me there. Reminds me of a kid covering his ears and chanting, “I’m not listening! I’m not listening!” It helps. And I have finally realized the limited contact that I must keep–only if the safety of the children needs to be communicated.
Thanks savannah, I only just discovered this blog this week, and it has been crucial to understanding the way I have ended up in a jumbled messy painful place. I am struggling with NC, I have tried it so many times before, but this time, which is how I stumbled on here, I am understanding how truly Narcissistic the object of my misery is. I am realising from reading here, and he fits the profile perfectly, on why I cannot keep away. My motivation from what you have written is threefold.
1. You are 100% right, once the euphoria from that initial reconnection ceases its a much worse than before feeling when the usual cycles of his behaviours kick in
2. I made a resolution in January this year to get over him (totally) , as this year draws to a close I am wanting to at least maintain total NC , so at least I know and feel that I am putting myself in the driver’s seat
3. “Harem” -you wrote somewhere about it, and it makes me smile – just thinking that I would be another of his desparate ‘harem’ concubine, has been enough to stop emailing these last couple of days, when I came so close to giving in
On a lighter note, apart from his presence (constantly) in my head this yea. I have made some progress, and at least unearthed a whole lot of buried stuff that needed closer examining and addressing, if I am ever going to be truly true to who I am. Also, I have ‘stuck’ to 5 major resolutions , so I guess on some level its empowering. I just know that NC will finally get me over the line of coiling back to the core of me and discovering all that.
Thanks Savannah, and all the commentators here that have made me realise that its not me that is ‘mad’ but his ‘manipulation, lies and pretence’ that fits the narcissistic pattern so accurately. And, more importantly on highlighting how no matter how I dissect the past and ask him to empathasise with the hurt he has caused me, it is beyond him. So, now I feel I can stop all that, and just get on with life.
Thanks again
It is GAME OVER for the ex narc of my life thanks to stumbling across your blog Savannah!!
I can honestly say I’ve been a willing player in an 8.5 game of hell …..until now!!
Even as recently as Monday I was still plotting my revenge against him and planning to ‘out’ him for who he is, BUT after reading your posts I’ve decided I’ll be the only loser in that game of revenge.
I had great plans to warn and expose him to his current supply about just who he is, but I never listened when I was warned by someone who described him to be what I now know is a narcisisist.
I feel lucky to have found this site when I did, as I suspect I’d be playing his nasty game for life if I hadnt.
You are doing an amazing job at lifting the esteem of women and inspiring others to believe in their self worth.
As a equal share parent with a Narc, do you have any advice on how to protect a child from being raised By a Narc? I did read it is more likely a child could grow up to be a Narc too, It worries me most that I am powerless to protect this happening if it is almost a predeftermined outcome.
Do you have any advice for mothers on how best to compensate the lack empathy and respect for others? Other Than I guess being a stable, strong, role model who has high expectations of how to treat others and how I want to be treated.
Thanks,
I’m over my ex and been no contact for a while. He has been calling again recently for the last month, about once a week anonymously, and wouldn’t say anything when I answered my phone.
I came up with a beautiful approach. Now when the caller ID registers unknown caller, I pick up the phone and say nothing at all.
He eventually hangs up because I don’t say hello or anything.
A beautiful response.
Savannah, Thank you for your reply & your words. I know, without doubt, you are right. Your words and your entire blog resonate with me as truth. Today is a new day and I will begin it with my boundaries in place, loving myself, closing ‘that’ door for good and…nailing it shut(NC). Thank you again;you make a difference.
Best,
Nic
Why am I still here? I know what to do, I know how, I know but… This fricken Narc and co-dependence mesh is debilitating! It’s been 4 months since I asked for separation. It’s been about 2 months since I started to understand that I am co-dependent and still there is not much action on my part. I sorted all my priorities and I am ready to pack up and go but I can’t make myself to actually do that! All this turmoil, all this hard work to mentally free myself from the material possessions of a nice house, garage, etc. I am so mentally ready and still, I can’t put that readiness into action!!! Because this so fricken difficult! At least I understand that! All my life, I built myself this ME shell and I thought that my ME shell is so good, so nicely built, that this shell will protect ME. I thought that my family is so nice, that I built it so nice. After all, other people looked at us with envy. Many times my friends, my family commented on how nice my husband is. How much he cares about me and great father he is. My parents praised me for being a good wife and a mother. And while I thought that i was such a great mother and have a whole family, versus some other so called “broken” family my son ended up deeply depressed, totally messed up with his father-son relation, and all of a sudden it dawned on me that we are a disfunctional family, I, in my co-dependent ignorance built this disfunctional family myself. Sick but true!
Right now, my mother prays for me tha things will work out. My son was finally seen by a pediatric psychiatric (where we live there is a shortage of specialist care and I was really lucky to get him in so soon) who confirmed that all this depression and gender dysphoria points to a bad father-son relation. The psychiatrist suggested family counselling but my son is not ready to ask his father to go with him and according to the doctor this has to be put aside till he is ready. He is ready to work with me which we’ve been doing. There is nothing bad that could not turn into some good, time given.
When I think about how far I’ve come with improving my relationship with my son, who I almost lost in his “teenage drama”, I thank God for all this experience as painful as it is.
It’s only that sometimes, I have trouble carrying all this load. Sometimes I feel like live in therapist to my son and my husband. Though, I gave up on any attempts to try to work on my husband. It’s just that in my case, he won’t do a thing, he won’t say a word if I don’t bring up the subject. He built himself his own shell and he can go on forever till I poke his shell. Why does it have to be Me, always! Now, when I broke my shell, it’s time to break his and this is what I got stuck on for now.
Thank you Savannah and all the posting people who help me with this painful process of freeing myself from the crazy mesh I entangled myself for so many years. I know, I will be free one day, Ijust don’t know when?
@Cactus — I may have some sense of what are you going through. It has been 7 months since I left my Narc. I lost material possessions and money in the process of getting rid of him. However, we did not legally have shared property (the home is mine) nor a child, so I admit it was much easier for me to get a clean break.
I stayed with him for a while toward the end because I was so in the fog of the relationship, so drained by him and so damn depressed that it was simply just “easier” to be complacent in my misery versus kick him out of the house, clean up and start all over. I kept telling myself I was going to do it, kept telling my friends I was going to do it, and that day never came. They no longer believed me and I no longer believed myself.
One day, I finally got the resolve to leave. It came when I didn’t expect it. Something triggered it and woke up a sleeping giant. My mind felt clear. I was more like my old self. I felt confident and empowered. I was just DONE with him, I was SO done. It was a “Eureka” moment where the lightbulb goes on in your head. The Eureka moment was: I deserve better and WILL find better. This man is a piece of shit. He never loved me. This is not a relationship. I am better than being someone else’s slave. I am no longer going to be unkind to myself and tolerate this abuse from him or anyone else.
Looking back, I realized that I grieved the end of the relationship while I was with him, right in front of him. Me screaming and crying and begging for him to change, I was already in mourning of the relationship — if that makes any sense. This may not work for everyone, but for me, I needed to completely go through the grieving process to end my relationship with him. When I did try to leave in the past, before I was COMPLETELY ready to end it for good, he always won me back after a few days to a week of separation.
But when I WAS finally ready, there was absolutely nothing he could have done to get me back. I no longer loved him, I loathed him. I was no longer attracted to him, and the thought of being intimate with him made me want to puke. I was beyond over it, and bullet proof, when I did leave.
Cactus, I’m not sure if this is the best advice, but if you’re NOT in any imminent danger, harm or threat of violence, maybe you are just not ready to leave yet.
In my experience, there was NOTHING anyone could do or say to get me to leave. Even when I knew I was being mentally abused and taken advantage of (it was obvious), I was still not 100 percent ready to leave. I had to be ready on my time, not when anyone else said I needed to be ready.
I really believe that you will know the right time and when to do it. You will just FEEL IT and you will find a source of strength inside yourself that you may have forgotten existed.
Thank you Savannah. After 23 yrs of marriage and 2 of separation, I can finally see with clarity the games my narc husband plays.
I am preparing to go completely NC and it will be a blessed relief and I will finally be able to thrive and be free to be me.
This post could have been written for me-thank you.
Thanks for this post. My husband left 5 weeks ago after 4.5 years together. He said it was all my fault that is treated him badly and never appreciated him so I forced him to leave. He lies constantly but I chase him. He wants me to leave him alone but I cant. Not yet. I’m still new at this and still kind of think he was the man I married. He says he will talk to me when he’s ready. I don’t even know where he is! He runs unless I’m being nice or giving him sex. I’m sick with grief and shock. Who is this man?
Savannah,
I love your blog; it is very helpful. I have been in a ‘relationship’ with a man for 2 years and 4 months to date. He dissapears & reappears at different intervals. His only pattern is that he has no pattern. I can’t track him and never know when he will disappear or for how long each time. It is impossible to know what makes him tick because as soon as I think I’ve got it, he switches it up. the only thing he is predictable about is that he does dissapear over & over. Sometimes he apologizes but this year not so much. This year he has been ‘playing dumb.’ He will make statements such as
” I know you are looking for a logical explanation but I don’t have one.” or ” I didn’t dissapear” even though it has been silent for 23 days after not responding to me. That was the most recent. Yes, he said “ok how about I put in more effort,” well it has been 11 days of silence now after we saw each other and were intimate.
I’ve tried to trouble shoot this every which way you can think – letting him be, being super understanding, telling him off, waiting two days or 9 days or 20 days or 7 weeks or 2 months or 4 months…I’ve written very logical heartfelt letters I’ve expressed my sincerity & my heart to him. I’ve written him off many times but always fall back into his arms. I feel tired and unloveable and my self esteem is very low. My friends & family are concerned. He brings out every insecurity I’ve ever had about myself since I was a kid. I question myself and analyze myself and beat myself up. I try very hard with him. I understand and am aware that this all has to do with something greater, something about me and I’m addressing that and working on this. But in the mean time I am still wrspped up in him. I still feel like I love him and very affected. I am addicted to him and addicted to it all. When he walks away I immediately self evaluate and blame myself. I am destroying myself. I don’t know how to stop, like really stop. I want to block him but I know I won’t. My head says block him but my heart says no. My question for you is: when a person is in as deep as I am and struggling this much, how do I just walk away for good? I see point B but I just can’t seem to move to get there. I am stuck at point A.
Help?
Very sincerely
Nic
Nic only you can decide when you’ve had enough. No one is going to do this for you. You have to decide that you deserve more than being lied to, that you deserve more than being manipulated, that you deserve more than being used by someone, that you deserve to be treated better than gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe. Only you can stop this. It requires discipline on your part and you need to hold yourself accountable. He’s using you – doesn’t that make you angry? He beats down your self-esteem to control you and make himself feel better – doesn’t that make you angry? And he’s going to keep doing it until you stop it. Get angry – stay angry – hold onto it and stay away from him until you can see clearly. That means no contact – once you’re free of the spell/fog things will make a lot more sense.
First off, I am very relieved that information on narcissistic abuse is becoming more common. Narcs have power when their victims think they must be imagining things even though their intuitive says things don’t add up.
In these relationships, there are often no visual marks (bruises, wounds, scars); it’s all psychological abuse which can’t be documented by an emergency room.
My experience taught me that narcs have power not limited to time or distance. If a woman never learns how she was being controlled, the narc can return YEARS later and start the cycle again on a different plane by reaching out to the victim’s maturing needs…which makes him seem like he has matured and mellowed. OMG
Timing is everything. If the narc enters your life right after a low (divorce, job loss, pregnancy loss, death) then you have a void the narc can slide right into! It is very difficult for the victim to know what is going on. Yet friends may be tempted to say, “But surely you should have known, you should have recognized him”)
Don’t beat yourself up with that self-defeating talk. Recognize that you were a victim, but don’t live as a victim the rest of your dating life. Forgiving and letting go are your greatest weapons. Why should you forgive when the damage was so great?? Because the forgiveness is for YOUR sake. Bitterness and resentment eat away at your self-esteem, your happiness and your potential.
Don’t contact the narc to say you forgive him/her, just say it in your head. Pity such people who will never break out of this cycle while you, on the other hand, can TRIUMPH!
And finally, time DOES heal, but the internet makes it take so much longer. Narcs leave trails on the internet because they want old supplies to keep tabs on them. And you are immediately reinforced if you find a photo of the person. You MUST block the narc from all your sites and think seriously about taking an extended vacation from the internet so as to break your addiction to checking the narc’s status. When you return to the internet, keep social media to a minimum and make sure you do not appear vulnerable. Keep all photos and quotes in good taste so you won’t look like you are desperately searching for a mate or meaning to life. Those things are red flags for narcs!
You have the right to create healthy boundaries. Create new archetypes for yourself. Discover your dating patterns and look to drastically change them.
Discernment can be the greatest character trait you develop as a result of this experience.
And, don’t EVER hide your Light under a bushel but don’t shine it down the alley either 😉
Thank you for your insightful articles. I am learning a lot and also reading comments as they what ties it into real life. I have been dealing with Narc’s forever and realized in this past year it stems from my mother. She is so cleverly disguised as an altruist but she is a Narcissist. I grew up being second to my coddled brother, and getting seconds of everything. So as a result I am fighting against this early conditioning. I tend to choose men who put me second to everything. Now I am working on boundaries so that I don’t get sucked into that quicksand. It takes reading things OVER and OVER so that new ideas are implanted in our brains and new and more healthy automatic responses are created. Repetition creates neurons and stronger connections between these new neurons. I have come along way but I don’t want to get complacent. Thank you for these great articles!
I too played this game for over 3.5 yrs. thought we could remain friends, every interaction came with a price. Just when I would give in “start thinking w my heart” he would become cruel and disappear again. This happened so many times I can’t count. I finally took the step to keep this destruction out of my life. I have not heard from him in over a month and hoping he’s gone for good. If not, he will not get a response. It’s all a game for the narc and continuing to hope for a different result doing the same thing is truly the definition of insanity.
God, it’s been hours on the phone , trying to con me into thinking he is the only man that has been there for me ever. And can,t I pay him back with sex and oh yes, he loves me… It’s been 6 weeks , and still he is relenting. Gosh I wish I could hear from you to help my resolve on this. I pray I will not give in
Marie Cher stop taking his calls – stop listening, stop responding – there is nothing he has to say that you need to hear. I’m stunned by his ‘I’ve always been there for you so you should give me sex’ bit. Although I suppose I shouldn’t be. You deserve so much more than this – don’t you? I mean if he really loved you – he wouldn’t be on the phone trying to manipulate you – he would’ve proved how much he cared through his actions before you got to this point – right? If you give in all you will get is more of the same – tell him you’re done and that he needs to move on and be done with it. No more calls, no more texts, no more emails – nothing – no response.
Marie, if he really loved you, he would respect your decision and leave you be. What he is doing is harassment, bullying, belittling to undermine your confidence to force you to come back. Walk away now! Someone once told me the best advice ever: “when you tell someone to stop and they don’t, they are showing you that you were right to walk away in the first place.” say no, hang up, stop taking his calls and trust that you are doing the right thing.
Well, this week, after weeks of ignoring his calls and texts, I responded. I told him there was nothing left for him here and he just needs to move on and I meant it. I found it to be such a relief to be able to communicate with him and say those things and mean it. Restricting my contact with him makes something in me think I still want him. When given the freedom I just don’t want to to be with him. Once the spell has been broken I cannot see myself with him at all. So, though no contact may work for some. Contact is fine because it reinforces for me everything that he is and why I don’t want him in my life.
Overit – as your name implies – you can have contact with your Narcissist because you are over it. No contact is for people who are still struggling with the addiction. When you truly don’t care anymore – you’re not so easily swayed by their attempts to manipulate you. When you get to the point where you see them for what they truly are and it repulses you – you’re in a good place, but for those who aren’t there yet – no contact is the only way to get through it. For some, it’s best to never have contact ever again.
Personally, I don’t think our ex Narcs deserve to hear from us at all, even when we are truly over them. They do not deserve any closure, to hear the sound of our voices or any acknowledgement of their existence.
They tend to be horribly empty, boring, shallow people anyway, so why stay in contact with them even when you stop caring about them? They bring nothing to the table.
I’m taking his calls and listening to him beg me to come home. I know I should stay no contact, but something about his pleading touches me, sparks up the dream that this time it could work. It’s crazy. In just a few days we’ll be divorced. I am amazed at my own risky behavior. When we divorce he gets the house, the dream is all over. I filed so I’m the only one who can stop it. His children are angry and shocked that I left. This is so hard.
Hang in there, Abby. I was there, too. You’ve searched your soul and you know it is what you need to do. He will whine; the children will whine. They all will try to make you feel guilty. My answer to the children is finally, “Being with Dad does nothing for me. You can be with him as much as you want.” And then work on getting your own life. Yes, it is hard, very, very hard, but staying is much, much worse.
Wow. Articulate as a laser! Thank you for throwing us this lifeline! Now,I just need to get a job so I have the means to escape……… Hope my self esteem are up for it. He senses like a shark when I start to feel empowered enough to make a move towards independence and always finds a way to disable me. God help me! I feel as insignificant as a fly on the wall in my own home afraid to even mo e my eyes!
Thank you Savannah, again for your advice. I need to hear this EVERY DAY! As long as my Narc is not active in my life, I’m okay. Since 2008, he has had me on an emotional rollercoaster. Everything you said above is true. He is 52, I’m 56. Age doesn’t matter when a Narc is seeking a supply. Just when I think I’m over him, he reappears! I rec’d a 4pg ltr from him (he referred to himself over 75 times!), he is in rehab – again- and will be released in a week or so. I am on pins & needles. When I kicked him out of my home in Sept for drinking again he was again homeless. I prayed it was the last time I would kick him out. I know he will be back. He is like a boomerang. I toss him away and he returns. He is jobless, homeless, drunk and totally Narc! My heart screams that I LOVE HIM! I need help! I simply cannot withstand anymore of his emotional abuse which ALWAYS starts out with CHARM. Praying for strength and protection from my Higher Power and His Angels. I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE! I printed your blog out to read when he comes calling again. I wish I could get emails from you daily, Savannah. I need you to keep me on track.
This could not have been more timely. My husband left a month ago (after 29 years of marriage). I truly think he is DONE with me, but I’ve been floating the idea of reconciling ONLY for financial reasons. (Since I was the breadwinner, he stands to get half of everything I achieved, including my house and my retirement.)
But NO. I cannot and will not go back to living like that. He has wounded me frequently and terribly, but he has not destroyed me, as hard as he tried. Although I’m 63, I still work part-time, I’m still admired and valued in my field, and I have an excellent support system, including a counselor who said the best thing I can do is live MY life and give up on the idea that he will ever change, because he won’t.
My adult children are navigating this (Daddy suddenly wants to have lunch with them every weekend. He’s always been so attentive to them, you know. . .) and will be OK. So will I.
This blog has been immensely helpful in validating the fact that I was NOT crazy, selfish, demeaning, cold, and illogical. HE was and is all of those.
THANK YOU!
I needed to be reminded of this more than you know. I’ve been starting a relationship again (for the forth time) with my N – and every cell in my body is screaming for me to run…thank you for the reminder! Why don’t we run when everything is telling us to, why do I ignore all the signs and flags? Your comparison I smoking puts it into perspective perfectly for me! Thank you!!
So on point … especially this paragraph “It’s natural to want revenge when you figure out you’ve been duped, but remember that no experience is ever wasted. All this hurt was necessary to propel you to make the changes necessary. Smooth sailing doesn’t change you. It’s the storms in our lives that get our attention and have the power to wake us up and steer us in a new direction.”
I realize each day that the experience with a narcissist was probably what I needed to change my choices. I have been NC for three months now. I am relieved that I finally listened to my gut, that little voice in my head that was telling me “you don’t want this, you don’t need this”. “Let it go”, “let him go”, “be done with it.” I won’t be going back. Someone wrote on another blog that she didn’t feel good about herself when she was with the narcissist in her life. I understood. I didn’t like myself one bit. I didn’t like the dependence I had developed for him to make me laugh. Thank you, Savannah, for your blog. Again, it has helped me tremendously to know! Best
After 5 months and him moving in with his new girlfriend he still comes around at least once a week. He says he still loves me and talks about the sex we had and says he thinks of me all the time. Which I know is the game he is playing. I’m going to ignore him. I want him out of my life and head.
It is much easier to apply the never go back attitude to those one is not related to. A life can be wasted believing that because a person is instrumental in ones being born, that naturally means there must be something more to it other than games from the monster whom one was obligated to treat like a parent. That somewhere in there exists a parent person. If we would only try harder to honour, as the bible instructs, we would have our parent. And so we waste a lifetime.
When my father killed my Old English Sheepdog, after driving off my husband and going to my workplaces getting me fired, I told him it is illegal to kill other people’s pets. He told me nobody would believe me because he is ‘family’. Neither the Humane Society nor the police believed me exactly as he had predicted because “a parent is incapable of such things”. At the time I was only a lowly cabdriver with a poor work record (only job father could not get me fired from) and he was a pillar of the community. And that separation lasted almost five years till he befriended a Lithuanian (father is Lithuanian) cabdriver who worked for the same company as I did. The lugan cabbie convinced me to meet with my father again and a dozen years later the cycle of jobs, lost friends and my sanity ended with my Pembroke Welsh Corgi coming in between my father and me. It was only when it came to helpless animals that the realization of the monster I was dealing with would hit.
I never dared have children because when I was pregnant and married the father and stepmother spoke right in front of my face of how I could not afford a lawyer to fight them for my child. You see my father met his partner in abusing me after she was too old to have a child of his.
Nobody believed me when I would relate my experiences at the time. My doctor told me that I could adopt. It was maddening.
Now my relationships and pets are safe because father has been dead for seven years and time does heal. Time and articles like yours Savannah help make sense of the insanity that was my life previously.
Savannah,
This is a timely post. After exactly 1 year, my narcissist contacts me via email to get my opinion on the elections. I was struck with s ton of bricks. I do not bother, contact or call this guy, but for some unknown reason he keeps bothering me. 1 year….this guy must have some sort of problem. I will not waste anymore time trying to understand and examine his motives. I forgive, release and let go… What nerve he has, after the way he treated me. No EMPATHY for another. Thank you for your writings.
Paragraph 3, under,”The Narcissists Game” mirrors my existence with the disordered one precisely. It has gone so far now, that I fear I will never escape the psychopathic bond.He is viciously blatant about it and asks me to buy things for him and refuses to pay me back. Double standards, I now realise, have been one of the dominating features of this situation. The double standards are a primary cause of the crazy making,as I always realise in arrears he tells me things to keep me in line, whilst he does whatever, whenever,with wwhoever.He can, thankfully, only keep up the facade externally for so long; I would definitely believe I am the flawed one if I had not known his relationship history and not witnessed his undoing in a share house.He proclaims the co-tenants lazy and stupid – whilst he is the one not contributing to the household duties and instructs me to clean when he is brought up on the issue.I return each time he wants food, a country drive, using my car and my petrol, ironed shirts or any number of doormat deeds he believes are beneath his status.A classic quote from his highness,”I didn’t come to this country to cook”(for himself). Paragraph 3, living that dream (sarcasm intended)…
This is so true, my heart stopped when I read it.
The more I read, the more I am gaining a greater understanding thankfully!
Perfect blog for me this week. Thank you. And as for my report on my No Contact. It wasn’t perfect, but so much better. And I feel so much better. Let me try for a perfect No Contact for today and each day till I read the next blog. I can do that. It is within my control.
You hit the nail on the head with this article! Truer words were never spoken. I am so glad to be out of the fog. It was so hard to get out, but now that I am life is good again and the way is clear. Thank you for caring about those of us who went through the darkness and helping us continue to find our way out! May God bless you!
Every new post that comes out is about what’s personally going on in my life at the time. I’m taking as a loud and clear message to listen, follow, and do as advised. Thank u for ur inspirations and educational insight. This sight is the Number 1 thing that has gotten me through this far alive and somewhat sane. Thank u.
Thank you for another great blog Savannah. This was particularly timely for me as after 8 weeks of no contact the desire to contact him has been strong lately. I won’t though, for exactly the reasons you have put in the blog, I refuse to give him the satisfaction of knowing he is still has power over me. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last when I go to sleep at night, but he will never know that and I know it won’t always be the case. You have saved my life Sav, the knowledge, power and insight I have gained from reading your blogs is priceless!
You are right, empathy is one of life’s greatest gifts! I remember watching a kids movie with my ex Narc and his 4 & 7 year old daughters. The four year old was crying as she found the movie sad, my ex yelled at her a number of times to stop crying and being stupid and when she didn’t he threatened to turn the movie off and send her to bed. I remember thinking at the time What is his problem! Alas, it all makes sense now!