Movies, television, music, poems and plays have forever romanticized the concept of unrequited love. While the notion of a broken heart might have been amusing during Shakespeare’s time, today the idea of chasing after someone, that doesn’t want you, should be outlandish.
Being a fool for love, jumping through hoops and sacrificing your morals and dignity to get someone to change their mind about you, is not just foolhardy, it’s insane and it’s a mindset that’s in serious need of revision.
When someone has made it very clear to you that they are not interested, that means it’s time to leave the table. It doesn’t mean try harder. It doesn’t mean try to change their mind. It doesn’t mean they aren’t really serious, it doesn’t mean try to fix them and change their mind. It doesn’t mean they aren’t seeing things properly. What it means is they are not interested. Period. And that should be all you need.
There is nothing romantic or thrilling about hanging on to a painful and hopeless situation. It’s sadistic and incredibly detrimental to your wellbeing. This is not an activity that healthy people engage in. In the 21st century it really is time for reforms on the concept of love. When someone shows that they are not interested in you – your mind should instantly switch to – ‘then I’m not interested in you.’
What does it look like when someone doesn’t want you? This should be pretty easy to spot right? I mean it should be obvious, but sometimes when you’re in it and caught up in all the smoke and mirrors, it can be hard to spot. If you’re in need of a refresher check out the list below:
They tell you they don’t want to be in a relationship with you: If someone has that conversation with you – believe them. Like I said above don’t try to change their minds accept what they say and move on. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve invested. You can’t force someone to love you.
They’re involved with other people: If your partner is cheating on you, you don’t need any further qualification. Some people believe you can get past infidelity I’m just not one of them. Once the trust is gone and they’ve crossed that line there should be no going back. Often times too, an emotional manipulator is too cowardly to tell you they don’t want to be with you and instead will get caught on purpose, hoping that you will find out and do the leaving. Don’t be that guy or girl that sticks around and doesn’t get the hint.
They don’t put any effort into the relationship: If they don’t initiate anything, they don’t call you, text you, make plans with you…. if you’re doing most or all the work – they just aren’t interested. This is a key indicator of their level of intent – pay attention and notice that when you stop doing, the relationship is pretty much over, even if they do rev it up a tad once they notice you’re not doing everything you used to do – it won’t last. If they’re not putting in the same amount of effort that you are putting in, it’s time to pack it in.
They aren’t there for you when you need them: If you can count on your friends and family more that your significant other – you are not in a relationship. When the person you are intimate with can’t be bothered to offer aid or assistance or emotional support then you are in a relationship all by yourself, because your loved one most certainly isn’t in it.
They don’t acknowledge or celebrate special events or occasions with you: If your birthday goes by and you haven’t heard nary a word from the person you’re sleeping with, it’s pretty clear what you mean to them, which incidentally is not much. If you’re sitting home alone on Valentine’s Day or wondering if they’ll show up for Christmas, you are not in a relationship. When they don’t go to family events with you, weddings, or anything to do with your family and friends, then all you’ve got going on there is a conjugal visit.
They belittle, disrespect, insult and humiliate you: If your partner tries to make you feel bad about yourself you don’t have a partner, you have an abuser. Relationships work best when you don’t feel the need to change or fix anything about your partner and you can accept them for who they are. When the person you love is making you feel small and insignificant, that’s not love that’s an attempt at control. Don’t put up with it. Get out.
They give you mixed messages: Relationships aren’t guess work. Too often we only pay attention to what we want to see and ignore all the bad. If you don’t know where you stand in your relationship, then you’re not in one. Relationships aren’t guess work. When you’re in one it’s obvious.
You only see them when they want something like sex or money: If your guy or girl only show up when they need something from you, this tells you that they would rather be somewhere else but circumstances have forced them to come back to you. Either they are out of money, they need sex, food, shelter…whatever the case may be, If someone is popping in and out of your life whenever they please don’t mistake this for love – they are using you. You are not desperate enough to accept that kind of treatment and if the alternative is being alone than pick the alternative because getting boned once every couple of months is not worth your dignity.
There is nothing romantic about begging and pleading and making a fool out of yourself to try to keep or win someone’s affection. When you abandon yourself to run after someone that has so glaringly disrespected you, you look desperate and in the history of time, no one has ever belittled themselves so egregiously that they’ve won the heart of the person they were chasing. If you disrespect yourself by falling all over someone that doesn’t want you, it shows them just how much you don’t love and respect yourself. Pay attention to how you’re being treated and if it isn’t the way you want then walk away and don’t fall for cheap words and promises. People don’t always speak the truth, but their actions never lie.
Your Comments!!!!!!
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Savannah, you are my spirit animal!! And this site is my safe haven. Everytime i fall for my boomerang narc again, i start to spiral into the pit of attachment, desperation, hoping, and clinging. Then i reach for this site knowing its the only thing i know will snap me out of it and onto the right path again. It works wonders, your words empower me and heal me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Yeah, that’s the ticket, sir or ma’am
Hey ya’ll!
HELP ME OUT !!!
I just found out that the NARC I went cold turkey from 14 months ago, killed himself 6 months ago. He always said I’d be the last relationship. I swear my blood has been like ice for the last 24 hours. I had wondered why I had not heard or run past him in a local parking lot in months. {if he was at the store in question, I’d go somewhere else as to not have to deal with him.} I left him because he was not just narc, but pathological, psychotic, and sociopathic. I could not deal with his sly, low esteem blowing in subtleties anymore then I could with his time for everyone,but me. Last time we ever spoke, I told him this was why I was leaving. That was 14 months ago. And believe me, I cried for three solid months over the break up.
. Mine use to say to me, “would I have tears in my eyes if I wasn’t being honest when I say I love you?” The other comment he would say is, “I would never intentionally hurt you”. I guess he forgot those two comments when he abruptly discarded me never to be seen or heard from again. No hoovers or anything and its been two years.
Oh my God,
Savannah all those points have been my behaviour and my NOT relationship for the last year. The first 9 years were different, the abuse and the manipulating and control was there but I felt love from her and thought we would be together forever, I loved her so much .
I’m not proud of myself these days
Great article.
Thanks, I’m so glad I found you. Keep them coming x
I’m just so ashamed of my behavior….my last interaction I was confident and had my head in the right place, but he used just the right words to keep me “hoping” yet never heard from him and of course I was right back into confused, questioning his words and then I contacted him and did the whole Crazy , crying game! It hit me like a train …I could literally see myself chasing and looking and sounding pitiful! It almost felt as though I was fighting myself ….fear and ego were taking over my mouth but my core was screaming stop! Only a few days have past but I’ve had this feeling of being done with it all. And just heavy hearted . I realize he’ll just keep this going on if I let it and I’m the one that has to let go for my sanity and dignity !
Lisa-
No need to pound on yourself. It’s all part of coming out of the “fog” of narcissistic abuse. The first step is simply awareness: to notice your own behavior. When you say you had a sort of “out of body” experience, seeming to watch yourself from a distance as you did your part of the crazy N-codependent dance, this means you are gaining awareness. You are coming out of denial about the part you play in keeping the crazy merry-go-round spinning. This is big!
Another important part is to just accept it, not fight it or feel shame or ignore it. I had to say to myself “I really do crave the attention and affirmation of this selfish uncaring person (my N); I can no longer deny that I accept all kinds of lies and bad treatment while waiting for a few crumbs from her.” This was acceptance, the next step along the way: just saying to myself, yes, I do this; this is how I am; this is how I keep this painful relationship going. This is my part in the dance.” I also had to accept what I tried to deny for so long: it’s not my fault, I am not imagining it, she is an asshole, first class, and she does terribly hurtful things, and her saying “I love you” afterward is a manipulation and a lie. I had to accept that what I thought I was seeing and feeling, was really true.
Then, I took the final step (the one Savannah harps on!): Action! I started to do something about the situation. Went No Contact, learned about narcissism (thank you Ms Grey!), got around groups that helped me see and accept myself, found a therapist who I could really relate to. Most importantly., I faced the painful and traumatic abandonment from my early childhood that had programmed me to do anything, take any degree of crap, to gain approval and love; and had programmed me to doubt my reality, my truth. I walked back thorough the past experiences that had set me up to take narcissistic abuse. Then I brought some healing attention to those old hurts, so they would not drive my behavior without my awareness anymore.
And now I don’t take N crap any more, and never will again. But first I had to acknowledge what I was taking. Then just turn and face it. And then take the actions I needed to take. You will too if you keep listening to Savannah.
Hurtin’ Cowboy
This is excellent advice. Lol.
This is so true. I chased after the love of someone who in the end was doing a good deal of these things. He eroded my expectations over two year period, until I expected almost nothing of him. It was not a relationship! Actions speak louder than words, he talked a good talk, making out he was good partner, comparing himself positively to other men we knew and gradually taking control as much as possible. I know now he was gaslighting to ensure his supply and to allow him to continue exploiting me. Reality checking yourself in a slow slide like that is hard when you are constantly baffled by the person and buying their excuses and when other people speak highly of them but the signs are always there and bafflement should have been enough.
I allowed him to define my reality and he defined it in his own favour.
I was heartbroken but now I am free and most importantly I think I am out of danger because I will never ignore my own reality again! I am struggling to trust again and would love to know your thoughts on this Savannah. I just seem to see manipulation and ego everywhere and I struggle to know whether it is dangerous or not!
Delphi, your narc was just like mine. Lots of people spoke highly of him and but the signs were there and the bafflement should have been enough. Actions speak way louder than words. My, was telling me he still loves me with tears in his eyes and did absolutely nothing for two years when I hesitated and still deep inside I thought maybe, just maybe.
I remember this talk so vividly: “Well, I looked back at our marriage and not all the parts were bad. There were good parts there, too and I think we should try to save it.” At that point what I heard was: “Well, you weren’t a total disaster, sooo if you try harder, maybe we can survive.” I should’ve have ended it right there, a clean, quick cut. But I said: “OK, I am willing. This time, you make an appointment with a therapist. I will come and I will try!” We tried a therapy, but he stopped coming to the appointments because he didn’t like the guy that wasted his time so I said, you choose, you decide. Of course, nothing happened. I knew, that the minute I would say, oh just forget it. Let’s just go to bed and make up and pretend nothing happened, we would never divorce. But that wasn’t my choice and the rest is history.
Meanwhile, in my shower this morning, that 1960s’ oldie but goodie has lodged in my brain. “I’ll see you in September,or lose you to a summer love.”
I’ve always believed in the adage give them enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. I don’t want him anymore, but I feel bad that the whole world is laughing at his behavior.
I did all of the above for 2 years, until I googled and discovered a sight on narcissist psychopaths and realized what I was dealing with. I don’t know why I did what I did. I’m 9 months no contacts and am finally feeling like I’m healing. I know who he is now, but me, what made a strong woman with me who would never put up with lying, cheating, betrayal, and being use let it happen.
They say everything happens for a reason, I don’t believe that we have choices, but I was manipulated by a sick con artist. I still can’t believe it happened and almost destroyed my life.
These rules are in my mind if I ever date again.
I am going thru the same thing and have come across “trauma bonding” sometimes, I feel just crazy. It’s to the point that I have to move in order to heal myself. He really did a number on me. For the past year, I have tried to fix everything he says is wrong with me……until I realized it is not me. The only thing needing to be fixed is him, and he would never admit it.
Amen! You couldn’t have said all of this any better!