“What other people think of you is none of your business.” – Wayne Dyer
“I don’t care what you think.” To a pleaser that statement seems like a pipe dream. Individuals who grew up with emotional manipulators for parents have been conditioned to doubt their reality and not to put too much weight in their own wants and needs. This experience, paired with their low self-esteem means that they lack confidence and are reliant on others for emotional validation.
It’s important for those, on the path to healing, to learn how to trust their own minds, trust their own instincts and to stand behind them, even if that means they have to stand alone. When someone doesn’t like you there should be no need to rush to them and try to convince them that you’re worthy of their kind regard. If someone is circulating disparaging remarks about you, we must learn how to let those things slide off us and not retaliate or convince people to be on our side.
Our circle consists of those who know and love us and that is where we ask for guidance and support. If someone outside of your circle comes to you with questions or a need for clarification, certainly, set the record straight, but never stoop to their level, never retaliate in kind, or seek retribution.
Being reactive is not empowering either. Freaking out, getting into a screaming match, name calling or attempting to make someone feel guilt or shame are useless endeavors. If you react to someone’s attempt to get to you – they win. If you become overly reactive – you’ve just proven them right. If you try to make them feel bad for what they’ve said or done – you’re wasting your energy. You’re not going to change their opinion, you’re just adding fuel to their fire.
Getting yourself worked up changes your energy. It puts you in that low energy field and further away from joy and manifesting your goals.
When you do not respond, the fuel goes out of their fire, their efforts will stall and you get to remain unfazed. Remember, it’s not your job to correct other people’s thinking, even when their thinking paints you in an unflattering light.
When you rush in to defend yourself it weakens your stance. When someone talks shit about someone people know the score – they know there is something wrong with them. Everyone has an innate sense of truth or fiction. They know when someone slanders another that it says a lot about them. The people who believe it aren’t people you want in your circle anyways.
When you don’t respond it leaves an air of mystery. Your antagonist will always fill in the blanks of your silence with their own worst fears and ideas, so let their own mind work against them. Let them drive themselves crazy trying to fill in the blanks about why this doesn’t bother you, because believe me they will.
Let it Go
How do you just let it go? Easier said than done right? With all obstacles that come into our lives we should always be asking:
- Why did I attract it?
- What do I need to see or learn?
- How do I let it go?
On top of that we should always be mindful of our thoughts and our actions. To heal and grow we need to be insightful and introspective and stopping to reflect before jumping into action is a good part of how we do that.
When someone is thinking or saying something that paints you in a bad light:
- Ask, is this true? (If the answer is no. That’s enough. You’re right. Let it slide off you.)
- Ask, what is their end game? Why are they doing this? (Usually the answer is simple – there is something wrong with them. That’s enough to let it go.)
- Does this warrant any action on my part? (The answer should almost always be no, unless you’re faced with extreme consequences. Think about the pluses and minuses of any action on your part.)
- Ask, why did this happen and how can I make sure I’m not in this position again? (start cutting people out and stop engaging with unstable people who are out to cause you harm.)
- Practice, practice, practice….
Spending your valuable time and energy on people that don’t matter is always a wasted effort. By holding on to it, concocting some type of revenge or obsessing over it, only harms you. It keeps you invested and still a part of their game. When you get into the habit of letting things slide off you, you’ll find that your emotional energy and your inner peace are better served by doing nothing at all. You stick up for yourself by not engaging, not wasting any energy on their verbal assault. Let your silence tell them all they need to know about how you feel.
Your Comments!!!!!!
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I’ve gone No Contact with almost everyone in my family including my two sons being raised by the socionarc.
Their sense of entitlement has gotten them nowhere with me.
I’m done being a mule.
Game. Over.
I have come to hate myself so much for allowing myself to loose everything. I will never rebuild my life if I can’t break free. The resentment is crippling. I need help and can’t find any. I lean on my friends to an exhusting and embarrassing level. I read these posts and see I’m not alone nothing special or unique about what’s happened. I really am asking for help but can’t get any. I get so frustrated I’ll call some psychiatrists in my area only to be left more depressed I give up then months later I try again. Fast forward years and I’m ready to give up again. I have heard it all you have to do it for yourself -0put yourself first -set boundaries I have no idea how to apply these gems to my life.
Have you tried a Skype session with Savannah???????
“Sometimes the real win, is walking away from the fight.”
Thank you Savannah.
Your articles played a huge part in saving my sanity during my time in crazytown, and after I left and struggled with trying to figure out what the hell happened.
I still struggle sometimes.
An experience like this never leaves you, it becomes a part of your fabric.
I am so grateful I found your website and a few choice others who are always able to articulate and put some sense – into nonsense.
Thank you
Thriving…That’s it exactly, they try to control everything and I remembered thinking, ‘and yet they control nothing’..but in fact I was wrong, he was a totally controlling husband and father.
Then, when you do begin to see the light, it’s wonderful but terrible. You can’t believe the crazieness you are hearing or seeing and well, in my case, I knew we couldn’t continue to be together and that was horrendously sad. Goodbye dreams of being together until we die. Goodbye dreams of sharing the joy of being grandparents together. Goodbye everything and again, in my case, literally everything! The drama and HURT of divorce proceedings, financial ruin and my name.
I then went straight into the arms of another man, completely different to my ex husband. Oh no he wasn’t…apparently there are two different types of narcs, one is cerebral and the other is ? Physical. I married the cerebral and the second was physical and far more condenced….he did to me in a few months what my ex husband had taken his time over. Unfortunately, like many of us on this site, I didn’t know or could believe these people existed!
Like the wise owl who sat on his branch, the less he spoke the more he heard, the more he heard, the less he spoke. Oh, what a wise old owl was he ! (children’s nursery rhyme )
This was SUCH a great article. It is hard for a people-pleaser like me to not go down a shame-spiral when I draw a boundary or ask for what I want but practice-practice-practice. One thing my N-fiance taught me is that manipulators can use anything. They can use my conscience against me. They can use my dreams against me. They can use ME against me. But silence? It is like a secret weapon! I was doing lots of reading about narcissism (and my own co-dependency) in my last year of living with my N. This was four years ago now. And I learned to simply put a pleasant expression on my face, tip my head to the side and say, “hmmmm,” in response to his outrageous lies, gaslighting and harangues. I did this when he was accusing me of lying, being selfish, not being committed, seeing others — all stuff he was doing so it was awfully hard at first because it was so unfair. I quite trying to defend myself and just began to look at him like an interesting bug under a microscope. After several months of this, we were talking one night and when I said something, he tipped his head sideways and said, “Hmmm.” So I knew I was getting to him! The cool thing was he was no longer getting to me on that deeply painful level. Now I use this technique with other manipulators. Silence is golden.
This is soooo good!!! Ignore, ignore, ignore!!! Starving them of attention (positive or negative) works best for me. It gives me that time to reflect and work on any gaps to ensure the “wrong belief” never fools me again!!!!
Stephanie, I’m going through a protracted divorce. My ex has said so many things about me to so many people (now my ex friends) the majority being a total fabrication. Quite mind blowing in fact! However, I am seeing a councillor who insisted that I don’t discuss my ex with our children!
Difficult as I feel so wronged, I also feel it’s so unjust, uncalled for. He thinks that because he does it so I must be doing the same! I don’t even try, most people wouldn’t believe it as the narcs behaviour is so unfathomable!
Just last week a ‘friend’ of my exes tried to humiliate me in front of a lot of people. Thankfully, I immediately remembered that humiliation is a deliberate and cruel act with the intention of hurting an other. So, without saying a word, I about turned and left their company. It pushed soooo many buttons I didn’t stop crying for 3 days and just wanted to curl up and die. However, I learnt a good lesson there, don’t try to interact and be friendly to his ‘friends’. Keep well away from them. Nevertheless, the fact I had such a strong reaction shows it’s a huge area to be worked on. I also agree, those who believe him, I don’t want to know, it’s as though they want to believe him no matter proof to the contrary. They like to feel part of a ‘gang’. A pathetic way to live by earning friendship through nastiness.
Thanks Savanah for another spot on post!
Love reading your articles! While I have somewhat successfully enacted your teachings above, I still struggle with the dynamic of my mother. I have three children who I do not want to use as a pawn or them feel they need to pick a side – wanting them to have the relationship they would like with her. I love my Mom, but have accepted we will never have an adult-balanced relationship. No matter what I do is never enough (for her) and come away from all interactions feeling bad about myself – so I either decline interactions or keep them limited & brief. I don’t want to speak ill of her as she already plays a great victim role – I am wondering if there is a way to prefaces this with the kids – or just best to let them form their own opinion? Additional readings that relate?