In the early stages of a relationship with a Narcissist, he seems like the answer to a prayer. He is everything that we ever wanted in a man. He showers you with attention and seems to put you on a pedestal. He is the proverbial white knight, swooping in to save us. Faced with the charm and persistent adoration of such a man, it’s easy to find yourself in the glow of budding love. He appeals to your heart and comes off as a great guy, who is just in need of a good woman, who will love and understand him.
Many would have trouble resisting such temptation, but the difference between a woman who has a healthy self-esteem, firm boundaries and self-respect and a woman who doesn’t, is that when the narcissist shows you who he really is,(blows hot and cold, future fakes, his words never match his actions, the relationship is all on his terms …) the woman with healthy self-esteem puts foot to pavement and doesn’t look back.
Women with unhealthy relationship habits tend to put up with a lot of abuse and it is abuse. They usually have low self-esteem, they’re too nice, too giving, people pleasers, women who engage in fantasy relationships, are co-dependent, doormats, or they like a fixer upper. In the Power of Awareness, Neville Goddard states, “When your desire becomes your dominant belief, its attainment is inevitable.” This is a fundamental truth and it doesn’t matter whether your dominant belief is positive or negative. When you believe that you’re not good enough, or you’re unworthy of love, you are going to draw to you, people and experiences that will confirm those beliefs. The Sadist attracts the Masochist, just like the Narcissist attracts his victims.
Healthy men seek intimacy and to get closer to their women, while the Narcissist retreats fearing that if a woman gets too close, that she will see behind the curtain, what no one must ever see – that he is weak, fragile, lacking and a failure. That all his bravado was a con and that all the webs he spun were to keep her off balance, confused and away from the truth. When the Narcissist does start to blow cold, the roles reverse and the women with unhealthy relationship habits will then become the aggressors. As he continues to pull away, she will internalize this behavior, that she did something wrong, that there is something wrong with her and a macabre dance of other self-deprecating thoughts and behaviours.
Emotionally healthy women recognize that relationships don’t work out for all sorts of reasons. They don’t internalize the dysfunctions of others and they are not afraid to walk if a relationship does not meet her needs. While women with unhealthy relationship habits often don’t even recognize that their needs aren’t being met and that they’re not happy. They’re too preoccupied with trying to get their Narcissist to validate them. They’re not focusing on the fact that their Narcissist is making them miserable and the relationship is unhealthy, all they’re focusing on is that he used to treat her like a queen and that she must have done something to make him stop and she keeps trying to prove herself over and over again. They’ve placed their Narcissist so far up on a pedestal, it’s almost as if she is begging to be tortured some more.
And a Narcissist will oblige you. He wants you to put him on a pedestal. He needs your admiration and attention. He’s happiest when you are fully compliant to his desires and put up little to no objections to his behavior. He’ll have no respect for you and he’ll see that you have no respect for yourself, because if you did you wouldn’t still be involved with him.
Narcissists and Long Term Relationships
Dr. Sam Vankin states in his book Malignant Self Love, that some Narcissists do end up in long term relationships and even marriage. That’s because the thoughts and lives of Narcissists are so chaotic there is often at least one island of stability in their lives. In describing his partners traits he says, “She must act as the narcissist’s companion but on highly unequal terms. She must be submissive and motherly, sufficiently intelligent to admire and admiring enough never to criticize, critical enough to assist him and helpful enough to make a good friend.”
The Narcissist’s partner must be subservient, all sacrificing and self-deprecating – the consummate victim. If she wasn’t co-dependent before the relationship she soon will be.
If and when a partner does manage to get away from her Narcissist, after gaining self-respect or matures beyond her situation, she will end the relationship. It is a devastating transition, not only is she struggling to find out who she really is, she is also left with little support as her Narcissist partner has likely isolated her from most of her family and friends. In the final analysis she finds that she is grieving not only for her lost self, but also for a partner that never even existed.
Vaknin says when this happens, the roles get reversed and the Narcissist becomes needy, clingy and emotional. One of the hardest things to accept is that while your long term Narcissist partner maybe begging for you to return, it is not the partner that he longs for, he never saw her – her wants or needs, all he is seeking is the return of his Narcissistic Supply. If you do go back, all you will receive is more of the same treatment.
Some Narcissists do leave their long term relationships. When they do it is because they have a new source of supply and they have begun the process of devaluing the former source. When this happens the Narcissist’s emotions will change almost seemingly overnight and this abrupt change is cold and almost surreal.
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Healthy women listen to their instincts, if a situation seems shady or their head is screaming something isn’t right – then they believe something isn’t right and they’re not afraid to act on it. They don’t make excuses for other people’s poor behavior and they don’t fear confrontation. They recognize that they are responsible for their lives, their happiness and the choices they make. They do not rely on the good morals of other people and hope that they do the right thing. They do right for themselves. They don’t try to fix people and they aren’t afraid to call someone out on shady behavior. They recognize when their needs and wants aren’t being met. They believe that it’s better to be alone than involved with someone that treats them in a less-than-manner and they’re not afraid to put foot to pavement and bounce, when a relationship no longer serves them.
Your comments!
I am a strong and independent woman that lost my husband a few years ago in an unexpected accident. We had been married 32 years in a healthy relationship. I met my narc about 2 years ago. He knew my history from people we knew in common. He was charming and showed genuine interest in me. He became involved with my family also, yet I never met his. He charmed his way into my life and home. About 5 months after moving in, he became distant yet was still kind. The relationship became all “his way”. We got along pretty well, although I was not satisfied in many ways. I admit that I was naive to dating and really wanted love, but was seeing this wasn’t going anywhere. I was also vulnerable due to my loss. He knew this and would say just the right things to keep me wanting to try to make it work. I ended up kicking him out this past November. He had no where to go and was basically homeless. I found out that his prior “roommate” had kicked him out right before he moved in with me. That roommate was also in a relationship with him until she figured him out. He has now moved in with another woman. He is a serial user of women and looks for ones that do not need any financial assistance. He paid minimal rent, a joke, but he charmed me into that by saying he pays for his child’s college-which I now know he doesn’t. He has a menial job and doesn’t make much. I feel he took emotional and financial advantage of me as well as others including his ex-wife. It was a difficult realization that a man can be like this. All the men that are in my life are honest. This guy was a minipulating liar. And he is so very good at it! So smooth. Well, he is out of my life and although it hurt, I am stronger now. Unfortunately I will not be as trusting in the future. I hope the new woman figures this out sooner than I did and is strong enough to dump him and meet a real man. I am sad that he is doing this to another.
As I’m reading the article I’m in tears I’ve been in a relationship like this for 2yrs and I’m ready to put my feet on the pavement and walk away. Every thing that was described in the article I became a victim to. I thank god almighty I came across this article it saved my life thank you so much for sharing gotta start a new chapter in life with self love not self sabotage.
They don’t always go away though..even when your healthy self walks tf away. I have a child with a narc… and to deal with this is a whole new arena of bs. I am thinking of becoming a self help person for this scenario by other methods do not always work when a child,is involved. He (narc) knows I am healthy in my mind..that I know ,what he is,. He game is to keep court games going and try anything… and I mean anything to garner back in to my ..pants mostly. It seems he feels he owns me bc his child emerged from my vagina. In this scenario you must not call them what they are however calling out their shitfuck ways does help… it keeps them on their toes bc they know they cannot twist your mind (although they will try).., they will hurt th it child to enrage you however the key is to just protect the child like a bear would her cub.. you are not getting rid of your narc easily. In my case I try to make like with the kid boring and unimaginably too much work (even though my son is a joy)… he has no rights to the child thank god so I just keep him away by pretending to be incredulously domestic and all other things he may deem …boring. He does however try at every stop to thwart my attempts at a new relationship with any other man.. I have found where the child s support is concerned he often uses as a way to mind fuck…it’s difficult however not taking it personally helps.. even when I’m too broke to eat..lol..but seriously I’d rather be broke than be this losers wife / main … his Harlem stalks me as well ..there are many women. I watch from afar in amazement how these sick women compete and hurt one another for his affections which are crumbs at best. Things that do work/ help: call out his behavior (but do not call him a narcissist), act like you do not want to be in his harem and call out their disgusting ways, throw a bitch fit every now and again followed by a swift devalue and discard of HIM… and /or initiate his discard of you and Aenjoy th silence… squirrel away your money and disappear while he thinks he has discarded you.. , make fun of or complain that the sex sucks (even if it doesn’t) .. this one really hurts them.. and of course ignore ignore ignore. Minimal contact in the case of the child means .. throw back at them the ,one liner vague replies, cry in silence to your family or therapist.. never to them, and above all VALUE YOURSELF.. they hate that the most. Good luck all..don’t give up..light will come just crawl away from the darkness ..don’t give up.
This article has just validated my thoughts for the past 2.5 years. I kept thinking, “yes, yes…” as I was reading.
Words cannot express the value of your writing to me.
just to add on;
I am over my narcissist but something has changed dramatically! I date only beautiful woman and I test them. If I see any and I MEAN any narc sign – I throw them out of my life w/o looking back. I am a serial dater now and I think I will never give another good woman a chance. She is in money – she is gone – she is in gifts – she is gone – she is in expensive restaurants – she is gone – she is lying – she is gone. Everytime I throw a woman out of my life – I will have a bottle of champagne and test my eye sight and my brain function. I had 2 bottles in one week. Right this minute the second – while I am in contact with another beautiful latin woman. Life is getting expensive as champagne is!! I hope I will ever trust again!
I had a healthy self esteem and was a confident woman, I thought, but having been through the breakup of a marriage and (other tramatic things), I suppose, I wasnt as esteem healthy as I had been, and was prime for the take. My sister said to me during this, ” when did you become such a wimp”? That was kind of my wake up call….
The idea of self esteem is a rather large grey area including a variety of self-directed beliefs. It is impossible t=for one person to name or state the supposed “self-esteem” of another. Firstly, I believe that is is disrespectful, arrogant, and debasing to claim that a certain person has “low self-esteem.” Anyways, how would one truly know? The underlying resonance of such a statement is shaming and unkind. You might as well assume to understand the intricacies of how a person loves him/ herself. One could say many things in the vein of “The woman with high self-esteem” would not have multiple partners, would not smoke, would not work in a high-pressure job that ruin her health. No one of us is a god with the omniscience to say who is worthy and name their level of “self-esteem.” It’s like calling an alcoholic a “drunk” instead of recognizing a complex history with uncertain outcomes. “Self-esteem” does not dictate all of life’s experiences or choices. Many people with high “self-esteem” get involved in difficult situations including narcissistic relationships, smoking, overworking, debt, unplanned parenthood, you name it!
The idea of self esteem is a rather large grey area including a variety of self-directed beliefs. I agree It is impossible t=for one person to name or state the supposed “self-esteem” of another. I think that a series of behaviors makes it easy to identify one as having low self-esteem, much like with a series of behaviors one could be labeled schizophrenic, or depressed…
Firstly, I believe that is is disrespectful, arrogant, and debasing to claim that a certain person has “low self-esteem.” Are you calling me disrespectful, and arrogant?
Anyways, how would one truly know? Like I said earlier by a series of behaviors.
The underlying resonance of such a statement is shaming and unkind. Are you insulting me again?
You might as well assume to understand the intricacies of how a person loves him/ herself. I think it is as simple as the way they think about themselves and the way they treat themselves. I don’t have to know what neuropath way attaches to which.
One could say many things in the vein of “The woman with high self-esteem” would not have multiple partners, would not smoke, would not work in a high-pressure job that ruin her health. Who said that? Sometimes multiple partners can be fun and I think people should be challenged at their jobs, otherwise it could be boring and unrewarding.
No one of us is a god with the omniscience to say who is worthy and name their level of “self-esteem.” Huh? It’s like calling an alcoholic a “drunk” instead of recognizing a complex history with uncertain outcomes. I try to break down Codependency as best I can. That’s the underlying problem – low self-esteem is just one of it’s symptoms, maybe read a little more than one article and understand what I’m talking about before you get so offended. “Self-esteem” does not dictate all of life’s experiences or choices. I disagree to an extent. Codependency plays a big part in all of these things. For some it affects only their most intimate relationships, for others it affects every aspect of their lives. I think you should read about Codependency. Many people with high “self-esteem” get involved in difficult situations including narcissistic relationships, smoking, overworking, debt, unplanned parenthood, you name it! I agree, but a person with high self-esteem will usually find the door a lot quicker when she partners up with a Narcissist. You bring up smoking a lot. I love smoking. I just don’t do it anymore because it’s not good for me. I think you miss the entire point of my posts if you think I should endorse smoking, debt, unplanned parenthood and dating a narcissist – you’ve come to the wrong website. These things, while they happen to good people, are not necessarily healthy. I try to promote taking care of yourself and being healthy on all levels.
Is it really easy to just walk away from someone if you’re healthy, or is it hard, but they make themselves do It? Would healthy people date like HH in the first comment?
Better part of 3 years wasted! Every 4 months, explodes, and we break up. i always go back, the good is so good! Just hit the 4 month mark, and I’m single again. This last time, i found him messaging his friend’s wife inappropriate things. Before, i couldn’t quit dwelling on my heartbreak, now i can’t quit dwelling on my hatred. I want to not even think of him. Ugh. This site has helped, and i swear I’m done. He had a bad accident, and i was doing everything for him, even after reading the messages he sent her. I emailed her and asked her to not talk to him anymore. , a month later, kicked me out because she told him not to message her cause i asked her to stop. Pretty cool, but, i also said if she didn’t, id involve her husband, lol. Kicked out, because i cock blocked my boyfriend, lmao. Hello, you sent her a message again is how you found out….wth??? I’ll enjoy my summer, while he’s laid up recuperating from serveral surgeries, with no where near the care i gave him. This time, i think i can do it! Karma is a bitch, you narcissistic, lying, verbally abusive, cheating, creep. Oh, and i went ahead and sent his longtime friend, her husband, the messages I found…..hell hath no fury…… Y’all stay strong!!
My “super bestfriend” growing up I think was one of those in the making… She completely destroyed me and has left behind two suicidal exboyfriends (obviously, she stole them both from me aaaaand I let her lol).
She acted a little different though, I’m not sure if she fills the profile, tbh.
She’d get close to you flattering you and become like “a sister”. And from then on call on you for the things that, supposedly, the rest of people wouldn’t like about you and disguising them as advice, creating an insecurity. It was a process of years with lots of emotional blackmail involved.
More than making you feel like sh*t about yourself (which she did), she made me so dependent on her to the point in which I no longer knew what was wrong or right and needed her help to see it. I, obviously, had to be thankful for it because she was better than me and was so kind to be there to help me.
It was soooooooo sick. When I tried to escape she turned everyone against me, labeled me as a liar and the bullying started from all my friends. Thankfully, not long after she was dumped by the rest of the group for being the crazy person she is. But she is SO GOOD. Two people have tried to suicide already and noone realizes. It drives me nuts! And it doesn’t matter if I confront her, I’ll be a liar and she’ll get away with it. Tbh, I’m scared sh*tless of finding myself in a relationship like that again.
I know that I was her perfect victim and that she was my perfect aggressor. And I feel I have changed but I’m scared of testing it out.
Uff, I feel better xD!
This is right on the money.. Thankfully I am the women with self esteem and confidence. Thank you to the higher powers for that!
Interesting, mine tells me he is narcissistic only because he did a test in the internet and came up trumps. So today he brings it in when telling me something. I have know this man off and on for many years, knew there was something about him but never thought he was a narc…I actually thought his ex wife was one but I think she might be co-dependent with some traits of narc. Any how I started a relationship with him 12 months ago..my problem was I actually wanted to trust him and I sort of believed him. he wanted me alright has for years. I always had feeling for him. So I left my 44 year marriage to be with him. I think I shocked him by doing this but he went along with it. Even his family believe he loves me etc. But after he saying to me 2 months after I left my husband..he needed time to see if he missed me. I was so angry with him, surely after 2 years getting to know if you like any one and now he needs to see if he misses me. So I broke up with him for a little while. Got back together but found out he was living with ex wife. He left her and came to me but she kept contacting him..needing his help and telling him we wont work and he would be better staying with her..Well he just packed up and moved out. But he soon found out he didn’t want to be with her but I wouldn’t take him back either. So he has to stay with her. But he is moving soon to his own house and so he is finding guts to leave her …yes he used her for a roof over his head…he and I see each other but I am much wiser to him now. I play his stupid games and instead of me telling him I throw back questions in what he just says..They are so controlling..mine is amusing though, makes me laugh. But I don’t listen to half what he says. We do get on though most of the time its only when its some I don’t like to hear I get cross but I never show him but that doesn’t happen much now. He is nearly 70 I have known him 56 years. he isn’t violent can be nasty I just don’t let him know what I really think and I do what I want and its easy to please him because I like this guy.
Great article! I always try to understand other people and thei behavior but it became impossible with my now ex. When I first met him, he seemed like the perfect guy. They mistake I made is believing and trusting his words and ignoring the actions. His words and actions never match. He does put on a good show though. I ended up having a baby with him because I though that he was the right person and that’s what we both wanted. He used to tell me he can’t wait to have a baby and I wanted one as well. I didn’t know him for long before I conceived. That was a mistake right there. During my pregnancy I started noticing red flags one after another. He would barely see me while I was pregnant or do anything to help me and be there for me during my pregnancy. He only went to one doctors appointment with me and that was that. This would be my first child and his second. I never met his other child but he would always tell me how he constantly spends time with his son, goes to school events, helps him with homework, takes him to the park… He would show me videos of them playing so I took his word for it. I remember thinking during my pregnancy when I started to question our relationship that at least I knew he would be a great father even if we don’t work out. Boy was I wrong! Right after I gave birth to my child is when his true colors came out, he wasn’t even trying to fake it anymore. He was constantly out drinking and being with other different women while I was home taking care of our newborn child. I moved out when my child was a month old. During that month he barely saw the child even though the 3 of us shared an apartment. I also learned that he was still in a relationship with his other child’s mother, prior to us moving in together he told me he was living with his cousin until he got his own place which I learned was actually another women, as well as still involved with 2 others. Each Valentine’s Day for the last 4 years, he’s been sending flowers to 4-5 women at the same time proclaiming his love for each one. I was shocked! I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that someone is capable of something so evil. Leading people on and using them for their selfish needs. We are now going through a custody battle and I am floored each time we have a hearing how he pretends and lies to be a wonderful father. All because he doesn’t want to pay child support. Funny thing, is that the judges seemed to believe him. He claims he “raised” his oldest child even though that child lives 4 hours away and he sees him ones in a while, on holidays or ones every few months. He actually was lying to his oldest child by telling the child that he would soon marry his mom and that they all would live together soon. The child was shocked to recently learn about me and my child and was placed in counseling by the school. The judge keeps ignoring all this evidence and lectures me on how children do better with both parents. I completely disagree as no influence is better then bad influence. He is simply no capable to care for children. He can’t even care for himself. During the child support hearing, he asked how he can reduce it and the judge herself recommended for him to spend more time with the child including overnights and that is why he keeps fighting for it. It is extremely frustrating for me as my child’s week being and safety is a priority to me.
Hi Savannah, please consider writing an article on women who think they can change a leopard’s stripes. To the credit of my ex narcs they didn’t seem to be pretending to be kind, loving or respectful. That’s usually how women get suckered in, but they didn’t even do that! I think for me the hook was that I thought “aww he’s so persistent he must really want me. I know he’s had a rough childhood and probly doesn’t know how to express love but I know he loves me because wow he’s soooo into me! It HAS to be real”.
As always, your article is on point, 100 % accurate about everything. I’m wondering about one thing, though, about myself. I had a great childhood, I was loved and I didn’t miss out on anything. I also have a healthy high esteem. I def. don’t suffer from low self esteem. I know we must have a flaw to allow a narcissist to do this to us, so I’m wondering what is it about me? The only thing I can see that I may be one who is a ‘fixer-upper”, however I never noticed this. The only thing I ever noticed about myself is that I hate regret, so if I’m in a relationship for 2-3 months, I will make sure that I try anything and everything to save that relationship so I don’t look back later and have regrets. So I was in a 9 month relationship with a narcissist, we broke up 2 weeks ago, and it was only 4 days ago since we had no contact. I think the whole time it was a challenge, to see if we make it. He always broke up with his girlfriends at 2 months, we made it to 9, and after 2 it was just a challenge to see if we make it further, just to prove that I’m not like those other girls, that he really cares about me. Is this what my issue is? I’m just trying to learn more about myself, so I don’t repeat this.
I have been with a narcissist for 15 years now. At first, like you said, he was too good to be true. Gradually little things erupted for instance, he shouted at me for being late (which was unavoidable as I was stuck in traffic)…that was the first of many such things. Never knowing when he would erupt or what I might say to trigger another rage in him. Walking on eggshells or what? He lies all the time, he contradicts himself in the same sentence and he ‘projects’ everything back to me. It’s always my fault never his. He has been ghastly to both my children (they lost their dad 10 years ago) and they both hate him intensely. He is very immature and has absolutely no consideration or empathy for anyone. He is selfish, he has OCD and behaves like a 2 year old with no common sense. The ironic thing, which makes my blood boil is that one minute he can be screaming and shouting, verbally abusing, calling me the most horrendous names and then we would bump into someone he knows and the change in his personality is amazing, better than any actor. He then becomes this wonderful, charming, chatty, polite, helpful man – you can see the look on peoples’ faces and you can see how much they admire him. Me, on the other hand am still reeling from the abuse I have just taken and I just look like a miserable woman as I can’t just ‘change my face’ and suddenly appear to be happy after all that! He boasts to everyone that he ‘pays for all our holidays, pays our rent’ etc….but behind closed doors I am called a ‘tight cow’ because I don’t have much money. As for the intimacy in our relationship – well I used to think that once we did have a good sex life. Then I began to discover his ‘porn’ addiction. When confronted he would always lie and say that ‘he found’ these magazines or ‘they’re not mine’. I began to feel that I was not good enough (just to add that I’m not bad looking, size 10 and fit) but gradually as I found more and more porn hidden all over the place (and I mean a lot of it) I began to read up and realised that he does this because he cannot ‘connect’ with a real woman and that he lives in a sexual fantasy. It sickened me to the core and now our sex life is non-existent, partly because he knows that I know his secret, and partly because I can’t bear to have him near me anymore. Just looking at those other very sluttish women made me feel sick. And no, I am not a prude but this was just sick to think he ‘preferred’ his DIY than to be with me. It was just another thing that makes me realise that he just will not connect in any way whatsoever with me. Not ever. And would you believe that this man is a police officer? I even found porn pictures that he had cut out of magazines in his work trousers pockets. He uses his ‘job’ against me – threatening to phone up his sergeant or some other top dog in the force to have me arrested because we are having a ‘domestic’!!!!! The ‘domestics’ are always started by him, but he somehow swings it all round as if it is all my fault. You’d have to be a fly on the wall to actually witness this or believe it. I think there are a few in his office that have ‘sussed him out’ but there are many that he has charmed onto his side and, even though I wouldn’t say they were necessarily good friends, they are very obliging colleagues and allies for him and believe his lies, his deceit – he can be so charming and believable it makes me so angry. His parents haven’t spoken or seen me for the last 7 years because he has told them a pack of lies, just so he can make himself look good and me look bad. I could go on and on for hours describing all these terrible things but, on the other hand, I know that I cannot change him and I know that I am the type of woman who attracts this type of man. When I read the third paragraph of your article I thought ‘this is me’ – ‘this is EXACTLY me’. So that is now the dilemma. You say that you can’t ‘change’ a narcissistic person, so how on earth can I change ‘me’? This is me. This is my personality. I have tried many times to ‘leave him’ but always gone back time and time again. I am utterly weak. I go to pieces without him in my life…abuse or not. What is wrong with me? I am an intelligent woman. But I just can’t break away. I know I should. My daughters, my friends, everyone knows I should. But I can’t. That makes me disappointed in myself just as much as I am disappointed in him. I would love to hear replies from women who have managed to achieve this, and HOW they actually did it without breaking down.
Married a man who was hiding alcoholism. Left after 12 years
.treated me like a queen but I saw his dark side when he yelled at me for burning potatoes
Hid his drinking from family and friends had a jekyll and Hyde personality as he erupted into rage on a dime. Charming to the outside world..he is now working on j
His next relationship and his niceness to me will end as he fools someone else…charming,low self esteem, lacked physical affection, lies, threats, mental abuse
A 10yr relationship that went nowhere. Like everyone else here the start of the relationship was heaven, the love and attention and the amazing places we were taken to, new clothes and endless gifts. I couldn’t predict what would follow next but I was loving the attention although my gut told me something was wring.
Then.. I felt I was on a merry go round and just wanted to get off, the relationship was pulled so manty
Thank you so much for this blog.
I was duped by a con artist and a narc and I am in a healing process after a horrible break up 2 weeks ago.
I always try to live an honest life and never wish ill on anybody but I CURSE on the man that destroyed my every soul and mental health that his stress and anxiety from work (he runs a casino) will eat him alive and he will grow old, suffer from sickness and has no one around to take care of him. He can rot in hell!
I believe in karma and karma will get him good as I am sure that he has treated every women before me just as I bad as he did to me.
Thank you! Most helpfull. I ‘ve just left my 53 year old narcissist boyfriend and the void it has left me with his indifference was beyond my understanding .
A charmer, intelligent guy, perfectly described by this article.
Thank you again. I’m feeling better already for my doubts have been cleared and my grief will take a turn.
Hi I just married a narc had no idea about this condition, after reading many stories and web info, and finding a bit about his past , his mother worshipped him and entered him into all the baby muscle contests in butlins dad was not involved in anything as i think his mum was also by the sounds of things a very controlling narc.. Think dad avoided her most of the time. He tells people how wonderful he is, makes them laugh but now I am ignored as he reads and has silent moods, says i talk to much, snore and cant cook so well.. 4 months married Im the 5th wife… What have I done he is 71 i am 55……. Lies exaggerates, and complains, about everything thats not perfect the way he would have it. My family hate him……
How can a narcissist have a great relationship with a couple of “fishing” buddies and feel great around them, but at the same time, be demeaning to men who work with him and his partner? I don’t get how these few friends don’t see what everyone else sees and say to me “Oh, ya gotta love him!”. Why don’t they see what everyone else has experienced? A piece of the puzzle I haven’t figured out.
BeachGirl my Narcissist did also have a couple of friends. I think he was a little different with them and they for the most part looked at his quirkyness as just being a part of his oddness. He was very attractive and I think they liked being around him like it made them attractive by proxy. One of them did say to me once, “He never experiences any consequences for anything he does. He always lands on his feet.” How true that was.
Almost 5 precious years wasted. He was so good at luring me back again and again. And, I believed him each time, because I loved him.
But, just as soon as I let down my guard, he’d throw a jab at me to hurt me. It was unbelievable. Then, he’d act completely innocent about what he’d done, and deny it, or, he’d blame me.
Today is day 9 of no contact. I’m doing it. I have nobody to talk to now, but I’m still doing it, and am very proud of myself.
Why do they have this compulsion to hurt?
Beentheredonethat hurting you is not their primary agenda – it is a by-product of feeding their supply- hungry-monster. your pain is collateral damage to them. They are driven to constantly seek out external validation. Without it they feel like they are nothing and are almost like a drug addict going through withdrawal. Everyone they have used up will feel like they’ve been cruelly discarded and they have been, but the goal for the Narcissist is to continue to obtain more and more supply, while still maintaining a link to old supply for the lean times. Everyone will eventually lose their appeal and be discarded, only the when’s and the why’s change. I know it’s not much consolation to say he probably didn’t mean to hurt you, but he probably didn’t – although if you do show him that he’s hurt you and that you’re suffering he will get off on that too. Stay no contact and just take it day by day.
I am currently divorced from a narcissist sociopath. Going on 4 years, but still feel married to him. I am so alarmed by everything I am reading. I knew he was something but didn’t know until this week! We have two kids and I am starting to fear for their emotional structure. My daughter especially feels cast aside. He started dating immediately before we were divorced and is now remarried to a woman with two kids and I worry for them. He couldn’t handle the emotional well being of the family he made. Last week he says I am causing tension between him and her. Not sure how. I rarely communicate with him and we have been very civil. Of course he is blaming his faults on me. Easy prey. Is there testing I can have him do. I know he’ll throw it all back at me or spin it like I am crazy. I just spent half my day on your site comparing everything you say to my marriage. I am floored. Katy Perry’s Hot ‘n Cold I use to sing to him as it was his song. He though it was funny! I have yet to feel comfortable with a man because of everything I went through feeling to blame for everything, why would a man want me. I am coming out of that mold but it is difficult. Thank you for this site! Real eye opener!
Can the narcissistic man change his ways with the right therapy?
Personality disorders are pervasive and not subject to change. You can’t cure a Psychopath and you can’t cure a Narcissist. You can get them to change some behaviors but the bottom line is they are missing the “empathy” gene – what this means is that they are not capable of having and sustaining a true bond with anyone or a meaningful relationship. Any engagement with them will always be one-sided. Some do stay in long-term relationships but they aren’t happy ones. Don’t hold your breath waiting for someone to change – you’ll be waiting a long long time.
Been married to a narcissist now for about 23 years. Of course, not happily. Because of Brain Surgery and difficult supporting myself I am forced to live w/ him. I guess I got narcissist confused with in maturity but, boy do I know better now! Just so annoying, HELP
This post sums up my 10-year marriage to a narcissist to a “T”. It’s as if Savannah was writing specifically about him! I can honestly say that as absolutely devastating as the divorce was, now that it’s been 3.5 years, I’m so much happier & wiser. I can spot the characteristics in other men right away. Keep up the great writing, Savannah. So many women out there need it.
All I can say once again is thank god for you and these articles … I wish I would have found you months ago when he was here terrorizing me daily .. I never understood why the more I gave in the more I catered to him and lost all sense of myself he would get even more angry … He was destroying me and loving it … Seeing me cry and grovel … He rages became daily and I became a robot barlely able to function …he never loved me .. That amazing I love I thought I finally found that I gave everything for never existed … I was nothing more than a trophy he relentlessly pursued he showered me with so much attention I seriously believed no one in the world could be more in love then we were …when I would stick up for myself and started pulling away he would become needy , clingy and sob like a baby …. What am I supposed to do now ?? He was 20 years younger than me and worship me at first than he degraded me and isolated me from everyone .. He was my world … I would have given my life for his .. How will I ever trust again … God help me please
Mine has been very cold and sings this one love song over and over right in front of me and since I confronted him about this behavior a couple months before I caught him cheating he gives me unsolicited excuses like “oh you know I must have heard this song in the car and can’t get it out of my head.” Oh yeah and I guess you have heard it the same time repeatedly for the past week. What I also notice is before they start the cold cut off, they actually will be extra nice almost luring you in to feeling comfortable just so they can devastate you with the affair.
My question is even if you were to never complain about their disgusting behavior they will they still cheat? I have a feeling they will.
OMG. This is so well written. This is my situation.
” Some Narcissists do leave their long term relationships. When they do it is because they have a new source of supply and they have begun the process of devaluing the former source. When this happens the Narcissist’s emotions will change almost seemingly overnight and this abrupt change is cold and almost surreal.”
She has been lying and cheating and I have been forgiving. My mistake for easy too long. She is leaving me and I now am starting to feel really grateful. She is releasing me from this hell hole.
Thank you for this great blog. You have already earned your place in heaven. Keep helping others!
excellent! im really enjoying reading this! its absolutely more important to be healthy alone than sick with someone else! these men will wreack havoc in your life and dissappear and move on and act like you never even existed! it is cold like they are just evil devils -we have to play the game better because most narc are actually quite dumb and were much much smarter as women thats what im finding and also never show fear if you show fear or back down they will feel powerful and when your strong and stand your ground they panic and worry and you stress them out! in the game of love they nar will always lose even if it appears that hes winning its all a lie a facade hes a con artist -the real man behind the mask that you know will destroy any chance or possibility of his own happiness
Are narcissists capable of loving their children?
My ex has 2 kids and he has always put them first (as he should) but as they got older he now has an unhealthy ‘best friend’ type relationship with each of them to the point where he will blow me off to ‘spend time with them’… feels awful and hits a major hurt button since I had to always be 2nd to the kids for years- now Im discarded and blown off and I’m supposed to be ok with it because its his ‘kids’… He puts them first and rubs it in my face, and its downright cruel. So he must be capable of love in some form right?
Hello everyone. I just want to say thank you for your devotion to helping others who are dealing with this. And also to everyone who comments. If you don’t go thru it you wouldn’t EVER understand it so I am comforted with all of you here!!! THANK YOU!!!! It is so sick and so abusive. I beat cancer and let this man beat me down. Well with your help I have succesfully regained my self esteem and self love and left him in the dust! 🙂 Your articles on how to heal yourself are especially important I didn’t know how to think differently until I read them. God bless you ALL and NOONE I mean NOONE deserves to be treated this way you just truly have to STAND UP FOR YOU!!!!! No one else will!!!!!
Wow! This gave me chills. My Narc wanted me to move in with him, wanted to be “public” together on fb, questioned why he had not met my family yet (after a few months). I have never been exclusive with a man for months and at the same time not wanted “us” to be “public.” I just felt REALLY uneasy about the guy from the very beginning and was so guarded and careful about our relationship. Eventually he did suck me in and spit me out but the truth is, only a few close people really knew of him in my life. We were together six months. The first three were great but weird, to me. The last three were weird AND awful! My heart goes out to the sweet and strong (in a different way) women who have gone through years of dealing with this type of sick partner.
This is a great article. Very motivating for me, as I’ve was with a narcissist long term. It’s funny throughout the relationship God warned me he wasn’t sincere, and sent me all the signs in the world. But I just didn’t want to be alone.
I was addicted to him, to our “relationship”, to the rush. I just wanted to be loved, and he took full advantage.
But that’s all old news now, and I’m doing great. Thanks for writing all these articles, hopefully this can save someone the trouble of dealing with a narcissist!
I am currently living with a narcissist after getting divorced and am trying to plan a way out. I am fearful of being alone and he has been good to
my children and they love him. I don’t want to hurt them.
Too good to your children is all part of the act! Keeps them on his side so your isolated to just him! What u don’t know probably is that when your back is turned he’s undermining you to them for that reason! Been there with my N!!! Talk to them and explain that’s how I’m going to do mine bc one day will come and when his rage hits he will back them to a wall and threaten or actually hurt them physically! I know u want what’s best for them but believe me from experience u don’t want them having his traits! I see my 14 yr old son acting towards me just as he does! A total change in him over the last 3 yrs ! It kills me and when my son realizes this he apologizes to me not knowing what he’s doing! A very unhealthy place for kids! He has backed my son in a corner with a fist in his face for defending me and his sick mom! Almost broke her thumb a couple weeks back yet she’s the cause of his N!!! Last night my son had a diet soda and I told him no more and in the middle of sentence he says oh it’s fine! Well no it ain’t I won’t have my son sick over diet drinks when I can prevent it! Tell me how many promises has he kept to you and your kids? Not many I’m sure. Even down to buying clothes thy need yet buying pills instead so he can help his addiction that I thought I broke yet another lie and getting me addicted somewhat in return! I’m over it now but he did it and it was bloody hell! He always says I saved hi life bc I got him clean however he’s working back to where he was in the beginning that he hid from me! There’s no good in a n raisin a child unless they seek help get mess and God and want to change! Most don’t bc it’s a game they love to play! Jumping from one be to the next breaking hearts along the way ruining lives! There’s a Gary Allen song about them called promise broken! It fits a narcissist to a t!!! Best of luck to you all and may God bless you
Excellent article. I’ve been debating on whether or not I was involved with a narcissistic man. I’m having a really tough time accepting that perhaps the reason I’ve felt insane for the past two years is because he never really loved me, wasn’t capable of it. Now that is hard to swallow. Ugh. I fear I have a long journey ahead of me.
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This definitely answered my dilemma, thank you!
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great info savannah i will pass it on to my daughter