Healing isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s hard work. In fact, it’s up there, amongst the hardest work you will ever do in your life. Most people have spent their lifetimes hiding from their childhood trauma. Dredging it up from the recesses of your memory and reliving it, are not really on most people’s to do list.
When most people think about healing they think of meditation, inner peace, and sitting in the lotus pose in complete calmness, chanting, “Ohmmmmm.” That is the end goal, hopefully, but there is an aspect of healing that most people don’t talk about. The path to getting there, to finding your peace, is rattled with pain, anguish, doubt and fear.
As many people take the initial steps on the path it isn’t always quite as blissful as they imagined and many turn back to the toxic lifestyle they know and are comfortable with. The truth is, the path to healing is terrifying. You will feel like you are walking around all by yourself in no-man’s-land. It’s isolating and full of despair. As you weave your way through it you’ll find out many things about yourself, you’ll also find a strength that you never knew you possessed.
I’ve compiled a list of common elements people experience on their way to healing.
Feeling Lost
When you don’t know where you’re going, or what you should be doing, only that you have to keep moving, it’s a terrifying place to be. It’s uncomfortable and unfamiliar. You will often look around you and see that others seem so together and you’re a hot mess, whose whole life has just been one colossal mistake after another. All you know is that staying where you are is not an option. This is one of those places where you have to put on your warrior outfit and battle through. Keep looking for answers and you’ll find the path.
Having A Death Wish
A lot of people report taking huge risks with their safety and their lives in this stage. They feel like it doesn’t matter if they live or die and that no one would really miss them anyway. They feel that being here, being alive, is so painful and they start to think about what it would be like to not exist anymore. This isn’t necessarily thoughts of suicide, as they are not directly thinking about taking their lives, though they are engaging in high risk activities where the outcome could indirectly result in their death, such as driving too fast or recklessly, consuming drugs and alcohol in dangerous quantities, or engaging in activities that they wouldn’t ordinarily if they were in a different state of mind.
Feelings of Isolation
When you find yourself at the cross roads, you’ve very likely isolated yourself from others, or been isolated by an abusive partner and you feel like you have no one in the world. You feel stuck at home, like you can’t do anything or go anywhere – mainly because you have no one to do it with. This is a dangerous place to be and you will have to force yourself to go out and socialize with people. Start reforging old connections that you may have lost and look for new ones. Having a support group and activities to take your mind off of things is essential on your road to healing.
Addiction Withdrawal
As many try to get over their toxic ex they find themselves experiencing addictive type withdrawal symptoms. Like a drug addict wishes they didn’t have a dependence on the substance and know its not good for them, so too does a victim of abuse, cognitively know they are better off without their ex, yet like the drug addict, there are many systems, both physiologically and psychologically that keep them fixated on their old relationship. One will become obsessed with thoughts of what he or she is doing, who are they doing it with, do they want me back, are they thinking of me? They stalk their social media accounts, play detective and do everything they can to put the pieces together of their day to day activities. They drive themselves crazy with the belief that their ex is happily dating someone else and has forgotten all about them. These thoughts are so painful and so powerful that they trigger those base core fears of not being good enough, not being worthy of love and a fear of abandonment. They can drive you so out of control that you find yourself doing drive-bys, playing detective and looking for any reason to justify breaking no contact.
Loneliness
You feel like you can’t move forward, and you can’t go back. Your ex is not an option, yet you can’t date anyone else because a) You’re not ready and b) You believe that you’re still in love with them. You haven’t gotten to the place where you can meet your own needs, you’re not comfortable being alone and you ‘re still seeking external validation, so you miss having someone there. The thinking is that just having someone to care about them or at least pretend to care, is better than being alone, regardless of how damaging the relationship may be.
Feelings of Pain and Fear
I remember walking around my neighborhood, I forced myself to go out and be around people, but everywhere I went I traveled with this ginormous ache in my chest. I was so heart broken. Pain and fear were my only companions. I hadn’t felt good in so long I’d forgotten what it felt like. I saw people laughing and having fun and I envied them so much. I wanted people around me. I wanted to be loved and cared for, but I had to battle through this feeling.
Depression
I can recall moments early on in my healing where I just wanted to stay in bed and hide under the covers. I remember lying there and just staring at nothing. Everything felt so hopeless. I’m happy-go-lucky by nature and being in this space was so uncomfortable. I had to battle my way through this feeling. Though it really helped spur me into action because being there, in such pain, was worse than the thought of changing.
The road to healing isn’t smooth, it’s full of bumps, curves and seemingly, never-ending twists and turns. It takes someone with a monumental amount of strength to do the work and battle these heavy emotions. You won’t be the same person going out, that you were going in. Throughout this journey you learn a lot about yourself, who you are, what got you here and where you need to go next.
One of the greatest gifts I received along the way, was inner peace. It’s sacred and I am constantly reminded of the price I had to pay to acquire it. I protect it and I don’t allow anyone or anything to take it from me. I can tell you, in all honesty, I wouldn’t trade any of it for 1000 lifetimes with my ex. I solved the riddle of my life, I healed my childhood wounds and I found self-love. These things are worth the fight – I gave up a toxic relationship, dependence, pain, fear and self-loathing for calm, peace, joy, happiness and autonomy. I’d say that’s a win.
Your Comments!!!!!!
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I have a narc ex husband who I am over but he still knows how to hurt me when he wants to with his verbal abuse. I have to communicate with him about the kids. I also have a narc ex-boyfriend who I had known for years and stupidly trusted. That has been harder to get over because it felt so good and he was so kind and it was all lies. He love bombed me, talked about marriage, our kids were close, and then moved on to someone else and told me it was over by text message. I have been no contact for 18 months and feel strong enough to continue that.
I have been single for 2 years and gave tried to focus on my kids and work. Every time I have tried to date I become filled with anxiety and fear. I very much am fine on my own but I know those feelings of anxiety and fear when I date is unhealthy. I am afraid of rejection, choosing another narc, not being good enough, trusting someone again. I know I still have more work to do but I am naturally an introvert and think it’s easier to just be alone for the rest of my life.
SusieQ
I really appreciate this article. I have been so down and this makes me feel hopeful. I’m so tired feeling like a crazy person and crying 10 times a day. He’s not crying. He’s having a good all-time with his new supply.
I am almost to week 4 of separation from my husband of 16 years. He said he was done one day, because I was verbally abusive to him, and he blamed for everything. We had a very toxic codependent relationship. He packed up his clothes and left. He never addressed me or our 12 year old son. I am in therapy and realize that I “rescued” him from his first marriage with two small kids. I took them in and paid for everything, and soothed his pains. I loved to feel needed. I realize now that the relationship was filled with me compensating for his in ability to emotionally connect, and be honest with his feelings. I feel like I lived a lie. I never realized that he was so self-centered, and needy, and insidiously controlling. He refuses to speak to me about the situation, and next steps. I am filing for divorce because I told my therapist that I think I feel like how a drug addict must feel when going through withdrawals. this article speaks to what I am feeling. confused, lost, lonely, addicted, pain and fear. I am ready to work on the traumas of my childhood. I do not want to “rescue” anyone every again.
Serena, you sound like a very loving and brave person.
Ķeep on going….
Excellent article as always Savannah. Since December 2014 I have been on my Healing Journey. I have healed the wounds from my childhood and my wounds from toxic relationships. I am stronger now than I have ever been. I know what I need and not settling for less than I deserve. The journey, the struggle was/ is definitely worth it. I am ok on my own. One day I may find someone to share my life, if he deserves me and we each bring something as partners to the relationship. I know you and others sharing their stories helped me grow and heal. Thank you!!
This Article was awesome, My son is walking these shoes right now… all the information I gather makes me understand his pain so much better.
Two & a half yrs ago as I had just finished a conversation with a narcissistic man, I walked in my room crawled into bed, and just refused to move. My then 16 yr old daughter ( who was not raised this way.) Walked in and said, ” this is not good.” I spent 24 hours in tears. My son dragged me out places all day. All while I kept bursting into tears. That evening the phone rang, and I asked two questions.
1. Why don’t you ever call me beautiful, or other gaslight terms?
2. Where is this going?
The truth fell out. He was a narcissis and had been faking as a human.
He was a sociopath. Living as a human chameleon. He would mirror what he saw, then go into the next “relationship” as his last victim’s emotional abuse story.
It was after this I jumped ship and have decided that when the relationship dealers come ( and they do.) To run in the other direction. I have family & friends who fill the emotional bank. I just keep thinking thank God I got away before he could have done physical damage to all of us.
Each day is a never ending train track of emotions tied to nearly 50 years of baggage. And it is hard, because you have to unpack that baggage, send it to “thrift stores”, decide what to keep, and how to make peace with the empty dresser and closet. I’m filling mine with charity knitting .
God bless . Great analogy I will always remember this one 🙂 thanks
This article really resonates with me. This describes the last three months and my current state after leaving a toxic 37 year marriage. Thank you so much for writing this article. I needed it so much. Now I know that my feelings are somewhat normal. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I can totally relate to this article. I feel lost, isolated and unsure which way to go to move forward. Still constantly thinking of my ex but am no contact for several months. I want to heal but don’t really know how to look inside. Maybe too afraid of what i’ll find….
This was a hard one to read because I am a year into therapy and feel more torn apart and lost than found and put back together. But it is good to read that it is worth it and that it is hard work. I agree. At this point all I really know is that I have to keep going. I feel like that point in redoing your house when everything is out and torn apart and it seems worse than when you started. I don’t like my self. My sense of humor seems gone. Men horrify me. My life seems to be one long co-dependent agenda that I didn’t know I was living from. How to be safe with the chaos creature of my co-dependent dreams has been my true goal in life. Repeating the painful dysfunction of childhood I thought I left home at 16 to avoid! But I took it all with me. Sigh. I have been choosing from fear and from a big hole inside me for a very long time. I suppose this will all be worth it. Just got to keep going.
Thriving, that is actually a great thing. It means the therapy is working! Our old believes have to be knocked down…only problem is we feel confused and empty but that’s just until the new , real you emerges. It takes time and Lots of patience. Wishing you the best.
Well, again, Samantha, you went inside of me and wrote down exactly how I feel. The truth is that so often we think that it’s only us that think and feel the way we do. That’s why a skilled therapist can do wonders. Thank you.
I feel the same as you. Been in therapy over a year, and feel more broken than ever knowing all those things about myself now. Every word you said, that’s how I feel, too. You are not alone!
Savannah this is one of your most powerful attributes..and why I always read you…. you are not remote from the processes you went through and more importantly you made yourself go through to heal and mature through a not that mapped out journey. You seem to have it all ready to serve you now for the sake of many. What you went through and thrived from after all is good old hard work and honesty. When you tell it ..it IS A ROADMAP.
This article has helped me the most because now I don’t feel like such an outsider. The depression lingers but the fight is REAL. Thank you
Singing: “WHOSE THAT PEEPING IN MY WINDOW” (This entire piece describes my current situation)
Btw, I agree with you, I do think It’s the hardest work out there!
Just read this post and questioned if you aren’t telepathic?!
I’m no longer obsessed with my ex husband narc and the boyfriend that followed in his path. The ex boyfriend was almost worse than the husband and completed what my ex husband had set out to do…to mentally and financially ruin me.
I now feel like a walking, talking empty shell faking a pretence of normality as I try to socialise once more. It is difficult as the narcs leave you feeling ashamed of yourself…it’s so difficult! Especially as my emotions ping pong from It’s not me who ought to be ashamed it’s them but they are masters of pressing those childhood buttons. The buttons I thought I had dealt with but apparently had only been put on silence, lying dormant until the next attack. Writing this, I realise I’m very angry. I could say, I didn’t ask to be treated like that but an inner voice tells me I did….I just didn’t realise the consequences or expect anything so devasting…I believe myself to be right in saying I didn’t/don’t deserve to be in the position I’m in today. Which, in turn makes me thing of the expression, ‘Better the devil you know’! My thoughts and emotions are more scrambled than scrambled eggs as I also feel guilty for the part I played in all of it. Leaving me feeling unworthy of respect or deserving of being treated with respect from others and a sham in front of my friends, That’s sad, I wouldn’t want to harm them.
I’m not feeling strong today but have things that have to be done to move forward and your posts often pop into my head, reminding me of what I have to do. I’m sure they do the same for the other struggling warrior readers. Little by Little but just keep moving on the right path and hopefully life will get better.
Thank you.