“It is only in being stepped on that we have no choice but to learn to stand up for ourselves.” -unknown
Imagine for a moment that the purpose for every single one of us, was to learn, to grow and to become more God like. Imagine also, that we got to decide what lessons we learned, what parents we’d have, what bodies we’d live in, what obstacles we’d face and what people we would encounter.
Many people believe that we reincarnate. In fact, most Psychic Mediums claim that spirit tells them this is so. I grew up in a household with a Baptist mother and a Catholic father, so the concept of reincarnation is difficult to grasp. But let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that we reincarnate, which, in essence, means that our spirit has lived many lifetimes.
According to believers, we sit with our “panel” and determine what worldly experiences we should have that would bring us the knowledge and growth, that our souls are seeking.
For instance, if you wanted to learn self-love you wouldn’t be surrounded by loving, nurturing parents and friends, instead you would experience people who made you feel unlovable and worthless. If you wanted to learn about peace and harmony, you would be surrounded by people that try your patience and drive you crazy.
According to Psychic Medium and best-selling author Samantha Rosen, in her book, What the Dead Have Taught Me About Living Well, she says, “Spirits have communicated to me many times, that we all sign up ahead of time, before we’re born, for a particular life experience and we also choose our exit point, or time of death. Spirits refer to this as our Soul Contract.”
If this is true, then we really need to rethink our perception on all that has happened to us and the way that we react to it. We would have to look at obstacles not as annoying, inconvenient problems, but instead as opportunities for growth. We would have to look at the people that have hurt us, not with hatred, but instead with love and appreciation.
I have often thought about the concept that my ex-Narcissist and I had an agreement in the spirit world, that his behavior would be so horrific that it would change my life and wake me up in this world, by putting me on the path to healing and self-love. Without him and all the horrible things he has done to me – does any of my growth happen?
Wouldn’t that mean then, that we should pay special attention to and embrace the storms that happen in our lives, because these people and events are essential to our development?
So many of my clients say to me that they feel so strongly connected to their Narcissist, despite the pain they have caused them. While there may be a lot of Psychological reasons for that, perhaps the most important one is that you probably are a type of soul mate. Perhaps, only someone that really loved you in the spirit world, would sign up for your life altering experience – right??? That doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to be together romantically in this life, but perhaps you have lived many lives together.
Don’t get me wrong, this is a difficult concept, as evolved as I like to think I am, I still think that if my ex was on the other side of the street and he was on fire and I had a glass of water – I’d still seriously consider drinking it. Getting past the anger and resentment is no easy task, but the idea that, hey, maybe this was something I signed up for and something he signed up for, makes you think that all of the negativity we hold on to really serves no purpose and essentially only causes us harm.
The key concept here is that it is our soul friends that are our greatest teachers. They are the ones that we agreed would come and hurt us, betray us and devastate us. Imagine for a moment after your life is all said and done and you’re in the spirit world with your ex Narc reminiscing about the Soul Contract you made and how it all played out.
“If we have just come off of an easy life, making little interpersonal progress, our soul might want to choose (to be) a person in the next time cycle, who will face heartache and perhaps tragedy. It is not uncommon for me to see someone who has skated through an unchallenging life, overloading themselves with turmoil in the next one, to catch up with their learning goals.” Dr. Michael Newton, author of Journey of Souls
The late author, Wayne Dyer always used to say, “Nothing ever goes wrong in my world.” He didn’t mean that his life was only filled with sunshine and green lights. He meant that everything was unfolding exactly as it was supposed to. I tend to look at life that way now. Nothing really rattles me and I never get too up, or too down. When I’m faced with a closed door I no longer try to force it open. Now I say, “That’s not my door.” And I look for another path. I tend to listen more to my life and my instincts, when I feel it’s time to make a change and other things are lining up, I make the change.
As the years have passed and I have moved farther away from the pain and the ending of my relationship, I have evolved into someone who is highly introspective and a seeker of truth and knowledge. I often wonder, how can I be angry with the instrument of that change (my ex)? I wouldn’t give up everything I’ve learned for anything. I am totally autonomous now and I live life on my terms, doing what makes me happy, free to experience and grow as I please. I wouldn’t change what happened…at the end of the day I’d say If I signed a Soul Contract with my ex – I made a pretty good deal and came out the winner.
Your Comments!!!!!!
Image courtesy of dan at freedigitalphotos.net
To say that my ex destroyed me mind body & soul, is putting it, as nicely as possible. The aftermath is, terrible. The feeling draw to, addicted to.. soul mate.. And, the feeling of how sick is that! And an added bonus*.. But this concept of past lives.. is NOT new to me. Or NOT the first time I am hearing it. BUT HONESTLY it is a concept I am NOW open to. My ex & i were together decades, have children.. so no contact, is NOT even possible. I do try to limit access to me, but due to our situation, that is IMPOSSIBLE. I see him, daily. But, back to the reincarnation/ soul contract with.. When I met an elder in-law, they told me that he (my ex) & I had been in each other’s lives multiple times. And NOT always as romantic partners. I took it with a grain of salt. But, it was mentioned several more times, over the course of our relationship. When our 1st child was born, a friend of the families came over & told us our child had been a little girl in there past life.. and her name back then, is or what would be a nick name of my child’s name. Again, I am/was NOT open to that. But, what was always said, is that in the last life, he was my son. And, loved me so much, and wanted nothing but to protect me. But, I hurt him so deeply by marrying a man that, he knew was bad for me. Something terrible did happen, & he never forgave me for it. Pretty sure I died. And I was told his love for me was almost obsessive. I didn’t pay to much mind to this. I would just say ok.. NOW, after everything that happened, the idea, thought, that possibly? Unfortunately, they most damage was done, once this elder In-law was gone. So I cannot ask or talk about it. But, I do think there is something to it. Also one of our children, has mentioned many times that this is not their 1st life. That they choose me to be their mom. And, since it has been a comment made since they were a toddler, and they had no time with this elder in-law. I am open to this being something.. Your article has helped a lot, thank you.
*of feeling his emotions, knowing when he is headed towards something bad or whatever that is (TOTALLY different thing, I am trying to figure out, some of it very new, some of it, just always being able to say, don’t do that.. since we met).
After 2 years without my ex-N, and intensive studies with A Course in Miracles, weekly meditations, activities in 2 choirs and several public presentations, I came to the same conclusion: ” Thanks Universe, and Thanks to my Soul for this experience which in several occasions almost killed me”.
I am now in a wonderful relationship with a compassionate, like-minded man, who – funny enough! – met my ex-N during and after a concert we gave, 3 months before we ended the awkward relationship.
I am very grateful, Savannah Grey. Your articles helped me throughout the first months, to comprehend all angles of narcissists, and all angles of me who held on for so much extra time. I almost became a Narc specialist, ha ha! Well, at least I can detect them from a distance now.
Greetings with Gratitude!
I have also been left with the anger and cant seem to let it go and in turn breaking up other relationships within my family. And yes I was the scapegoat in my family. 3 brothers , only female and I would have loved to have had a sister. I have put myself on a list for counselling and anger management,x
Inner Child
Meditation is so very powerful when used consistently over time. It has the most transforming affect of soothing inner child pain and an automatic change occurs. Do it, feel it, love it. You will be so glad you did. Love always Joan
Yes it does seem strange that I would sign up to marry someone at age 19 to be given the silent treatment and bashed about (broken nose), strangulation then insulted and put down constantly sometimes in tiny ways. Then for him to abandon his 2 children with me and not care if we are dead or alive. Then meet someone else he apparently adores which hurt me for life. She then leaves with her 2 kids and he still sees them Then meets someone else whom he has been with for approx 18 years. I have had no real support and no real friends who could be with me throughout all of this. Ive had to face it all on my own. My mother didnt like females. I have also encountered a lot of jealousy. I dont know why.xx I am now 65 and have an ex narc living accross the road from me and I might still be a supply to him as through lonliness I still phone him for a chat. No luck in love (any kind). Why would I sign up for this.? My children have suffered because of this person.
This is excellent also and very deep. It takes a lot to get me angry now, because we are powerless over people, places, and things. I help others a lot with the forgotten skill of listening. I offer advice and try to be their friend and give them love. Change only comes within a person when they want it and surrender to the problem or consequence or issue. I try to stay positive most of the time. Once we learn how to stay positive, let go and not sweat the small stuff more doors open! Keep the inspirational tools coming please we all need to read them. Thanks…
Savannah,
This was a very courageous and helpful article. I’ve been processing my father’s death – he was an N — and at one point I had the thought that he was just such a catalyst as you describe. For all of his children. We are all very strong and resilient people, many of us messed up but most of us very compassionate. And I thought, “How lonely that he has been the villain in this life.” Whether it is true or not (past lives) I do value the lessons my father provided. Thank you for sharing this perspective.
Last night, six months after my ex N dumped me out of nowhere, and after six months of no contact, I wrote to my ex N to wish him a nice Thanksgiving. He replied within minutes to say thanks, thanked me for reaching out and then said, “Goodnight.” Effectively telling me, once again, to go away.
I don’t know why I did it. Maybe I wrote to him because I had read an article earlier in the day about a successful woman in the Silicon Valley who said her mom taught her there’s no point in being angry at people because it just eats at you. So, in a moment of whatever, I just sent him a message.
And today, I feel stupid. Like my quick note was letting him off the hook. Like I forgave him. Like I was over it all and not destroyed and traumatized by what happened. And that’s not the reality. I still live every day wishing I knew what happened that he dumped me. I wish I knew why he pursued me to begin with. I wish I knew why I forgave him over and over during our relationship. I wish I knew why after we’d break up, I’d initiate contact with him again. Or why I replied if he initiated contact with me.
I lasted for six months — SIX MONTHS — and then let one article about forgiveness and “thankfulness” lead me to wish him a nice Thanksgiving. Only to see him take back control by telling me, “Thanks for reaching out. Goodnight.”
It’s brought up a lot of horrible memories of how shocked and completely devastated I felt when he left me. And how I felt when he’d ignore me or give me the silent treatment. I should have left well enough alone. I should have written a note to myself and then deleted it.
I’m crying my eyes out… feeling stupid — again. And I don’t know why. I don’t feel empowered. I don’t feel like “the better person” or “the bigger person” for forgiving someone. I feel like a stupid ass. A sucker. Like all the work I did during the last six months were just flushed down the toilet.
I’ve forgiven my parents for all their shitty treatment over the years. We get along fine now. And honestly, I never felt stupid for getting over my mother’s insane rants, her abusive speech, the silent treatments from both of them. It never seemed like forgiveness. And maybe that’s the problem. It’s only been in recent years that my mom apologized for things she did. I just always felt like once she started talking to me again, it was easier to just get along. If I ever tried telling her how her treatment hurt me, which I did once, she usually found a way to bury me with anger at some other point. It wasn’t until my brother killed himself 9 years ago that she started to take stock — and apologized for her treatment of me. She engaged in more of it after that, and I don’t kid myself — I think she would again if the situation presented itself. But I’ve learned more about her, and myself. And telling her certain things aren’t acceptable, and getting over the things she said or did (is that forgiveness or just learning to live with abuse) has allowed me to have a relationship with both my parents and all my siblings. Which means a lot to me.
But to forgive this man that dumped me, who left me flailing and without any direction, like I was thrown in in a little rowboat without oars or a sail, floating in the middle of an ocean during a storm and trying not to sink… I don’t know… I guess I knew I’d always see my family again. But him? I’ll never see him again. What did I gain by wishing him “a nice Thanksgiving”?
I had hung onto the No Contact rule like it was my control in the relationship, even though the relationship was over and he told me to accept that. I wrote to him about 10 days after he after he dumped me, to sort of go over what might have caused the breakup, to see if he wanted to talk, to tell him how much he meant to me and how not matter what, I wished him well. And he never replied… except to block me from seeing his Instagram. That killed me. So I hit block on everything from his phone number to every social media platform there is.
By breaking No Contact, by reaching out, I feel horrible all over again. I’m sobbing as I type this and I don’t know why. All my revenge fantasies, all my hopes for him to be left penniless and alone, all my angry wishes that he’d get fat and go bald, all my hopes that if he took up with someone else, she’d destroy his reputation among his colleagues, family and friends — all my negative “hopes and dreams” about how I wanted him to suffer even HALF as much as I did… why did I just let that all go? Why did I let him think it’s all okay? Why did I let him think I’ve accepted the break up and moved on, like he told me to do over and over when I was pleading with him not to leave me?
I feel like I’m still so far from accepting it. I’m still so devastated by the death of the relationship. I don’t know why I thought I could write to him. …What is really wrong with me?
Cathrine you did that because that critical parent voice inside of your head, that wants you to stay in this self destructive pattern, is always chirping, always trying to lead you back to hurt. It does this by trying to confuse you, by minimizing massive issues, making everything your fault, by making you feel guilt or shame, and (especially in your case) trying to justify why it’s ok to do something you know you shouldn’t. That critical parent voice is always trying to get you to self sabotage. You have to be vigilent against it. You feel empowered and in control when you are in control of it. When you give into it you feel powerless and the fool. This critical parent voice is a big part of codependency. It’s in learning to be mindful of it, knowing what it is and learning how to battle it and take away its power that you overcome it.
Thank you, Savannah. It’s been a difficult day, to say the least. In my big long note, I forgot to mention that last week, when I went to gmail online, as opposed to on my phone, I saw he tried to reach me back in August through Google chat.
Perhaps that, plus that article about the Silicon Valley woman not holding onto anger, plus that “critical parent voice” telling me to “just get along” created the perfect storm. Ughh. Thanks for your reply. I truly do appreciate it.
Catherine – I also reached out to my ex-N in a weak moment about a year after he unexpectedly dumped me. He also sent me a dismissive response and it about killed me. But I’m here to tell you that 2 more years later, I feel good about how I handled the situation. Yes, he hurt me deeply. And yes, I do not need to ever contact him again. But I now see why I met him (to help me learn to love myself) and I’m relieved that I have “forgiven” him for his abusive behavior. That last hurtful exchange actually helped me to let go of my anger towards him and to move on with my life. Hopefully the same thing will happen for you. Be kind to yourself and give it more time. Take care & God bless.
I also think it takes much longer than six months to fully recover from a narcissistic mother and then being rejected by another narcissist. I connected with the person whom I wrote about in my comment below almost three years ago. It took me about two and a half years to finally understand that he is not the nice, kind person he appeared to be. He is a damaged person who cannot sustain a relationship with me. Over the two and a half years, I did reach out several times about an article that we had been writing that never got finished and several times when I was very concerned about the dog. He kept up the silent treatment and finally I was able to see that he is a troubled, deficient, person who actually even admitted several times that he’s an avoidant and doesn’t let anybody get close. It takes a long time to see the light when you are trained by a narcissistic mother to believe that it’s your fault. Please know that every time you reach out and you get a bad response, it’s just more information for you about the kind of person whom you were really dealing with.
Best wishes. You will recover.
Katy, so true. Each time we reach out we realize the kind of people we’re dealing with. And I agree, recovery is in reach! To Catherine, I would say … give yourself more time. One thing I practiced regularly was to stop re-hashing events (personally, this helped me a great deal).
Each time i found myself thinking about him and something he did or even (gulp) missing him, I told my brain to stop and i replaced that thought with something I was doing now for myself that brought me a small measure of happiness … or I focused on a friend who was truly kind. I read things that helped me figure out me … and become a better version of me. I looked regularly and consciously for something, anything to push my life forward… rather than propel it backward. I stopped giving the ex credit for anything in my life, including my misery, but it took time. Believe me.
This is an amazing blog. I believe in everything that Savannah talked about. She gives great perspective for life and how it all unfolds. 🙂 Thank you so much.
Catherine, I feel sad with you.
Like the other person said here, six months isn’t a long time. Your message shows you know what to do, just you had a bad day so now please go do something really nice and be kind to yourself.
It’s the third year now since all that happened to me. I am local to the ex N and noticed him and partner in a food shop last week. I paid and left because I want to ensure the total NC but pleased to report I felt nothing – not the clutch in the stomach, no anger, just calm and intention to leave that space.
I keep saying this because I used to have to remember it myself but any contact from you or response only says to him that you are still potential supply. I have a big envelope full of stuff I wrote and kept adding to and I don’t look at it any more.
Also, rather than blocking, if you can completely delete any contact routes you have to him, it does reduce the temptation to make contact. I found it really hard to do that but felt much better after I did.
I am really sorry for what you are feeling Catherine but this comment made me laugh, you are so creative with your revenge plan. I need to take some notes lol. Its nice to connect with other including the author on issues close to my heart. A psychic once told me that my ex was a soul mate and he still ended up breaking my heart into tiny little pieces and yet still that strong connection is there. Even when I get really angry with him and “pray that his karma is to realise that I am the realest thing he will ever get and he lost ,me” *enter hand on hip and clicking fingers, he won’t quite block me or delete me, so, despite the fact that he ended things with me, he still has a strange attachments were his open to my angry rants. It made me feel emotionally when she said that we were probably soul mates but he was here to change me becaue boy have I changed. I am here on this article because I have resolved to face my demons. Ground zero is the place where all of my core pain lives and nobody, not even I, visit, I have decided to take a torch and enter that place where love does not live. Our pain cannot hide when we are bold enough to look it in its face. I have also found that like addictions, it can take us a while to let go of old addictions… I could go on and on, but I completely relate to your anger for going back only to uncover that he is not fat and bald and probably hasn’t realised what a grave mistake he made when letting you go. The key is to stay focused on you, keep the spotlight on why you do the things you do, ask yourself as honestly as you can why you really reached out to him, was you seeking some kind of validation? Truth is you were and you’re in pain because you forgot, momentarily, to keep on working on validating yourself, that’s where the real control comes in, and you haven’t quite crystallised your self-validation program yet before you reached out. X
Both of my parents were narcissists. My father is dead now and I feel guilty about feeling glad that he cannot hurt me any longer. I also have abandonment issues as my mother would get angry and pack her bags and leave us with my cruel father. I married a narcissistic woman and she is just like my parents. I personally believe narcissists are actually the children of the devil. The narcissist woman has forced me to heal and work on my issues. I think we are all in school preparing us to live another and better life after this one. I hope that it is full of love, life and laughter.
Blessings to all,
Larry
This article was such an interesting articulation of what seemed to be going on for me. Since I was a child, I have had a very strong pull to a state more than 1,000 miles from where I grew up. I never knew why, but over the years I had so many connections to that state including many work trips, relatives moving there, job offers, co-workers, friends, etc. I always knew that I was supposed to be, in some way, part of that world.
Then, we rescued a dog who turned out to be a very rare breed and we needed help with his health problems. Somebody pointed me to a breeder who lives, guess where!
The first time I spoke to the breeder, I knew that I had known him before. I knew so much about him without being told, I knew what he and I looked like and did in a previous life situation, in this existence he and I were born just 6 weeks apart, and even growing up a 1,000 miles apart we had many similar childhood experiences.
It was such a gift to meet somebody so familiar and comfortable. I felt safe and at ease. After six months, suddenly the person who seemed so good and nice and kind began to display abandoning, avoidant, and narcissistic behavior and, then, with no discussion, he totally rejected me. I was in shock and had no idea what happened and kept thinking that I had done something unforgivable.
It took lots of time and reading and thinking but I finally realized that his abandonment triggered all of the despair that I had felt being the scapegoated child of a narcissistic mother.
From the beginning, I knew that he and I had survived difficult childhoods and I had thought that we were brought together to help to support and to be kind to each other.
I certainly learned some very profound and difficult lessons from him. I don’t know if I made any impact on him or if I was just one more person to charm and then to denigrate and reject when they got too close.
Thanks for a very thought-provoking article.
I was amazed when I saw this post this morning. I just finished reading Newton’s 2 books, Destiny of Souls and Journey of Souls back to back. I was struck by the reference. I’m now divorced from my narcissistic husband over a year, and living on my own in another city. I’m discovering who I am, finding my voice again, seeing my value, refusing to allow unhealthy people in my life, and forging ahead with the courage that comes from losing it all. Even so, I still find myself thinking thoughts that it was all just “not fair”… that I had to go through such anguish, that I had such a horrible childhood, that I had to suffer so much. This concept that we might have “elected” this experience has really given me a new light in which to view it. Thank you for sharing your experiences and insights. I’ve been following your blog for over 2 years, back when I was married and in very dark times and I just wanted you to know that it’s really helped me in my own journey.
Reading this I had an image of myself going back to the moment when I agreed to subject myself to my N and the pain she caused. I imagined saying “are you sure you want to sign up for this? It’s going to hurt like hell, you cannot imagine ….”
But of course that’s what it took for me to really truly face my issues. So I also imagined saying “you will come out of this so strong you would not believe it. This harsh and bitter medicine is the only thing that can deeply heal you.”
That’s a deal I would gladly accept. The trauma of early abandonment was so deep that it took the discard behavior of an unfeeling narcissist for me to ask: why are you so afraid? Why do you accept degrading behavior because you are so afraid of being abandoned? How did you get this way and how can you heal from that experience?”
I truly don’t know if I signed up for this but if I did I’m glad I did. Now I have turned and faced that existential fear. And I’ve come out the other side — stronger than in my wildest dreams. Maybe this was my wildest dream when I signed that contract? Who knows?
Hurtin Cowboy
Wow, this really hits home. I have heard similar things about soul contracts and do believe they exist. Thank you for sharing that it’s not easy to get over the anger and resentment, because that is what challenges me every day. Yet being on a better path to autonomy and finally being FREE is worth it. To know that you have succeeded and gone on to help others is so motivating. If you can do it, I can do it! Thanks a million for all the inspiration.
“That’s not my door.”
I wonder, though, sexual abuse of a child? Does that fit with this philosophy or Dr Dyers? Hard for me to make peace with the idea of that being chosen. Also, does the choosing of departure include the way or just time? It seems it would include the way if we choose other things ahead of time. If so, why would anyone choose a horribly violent, torturous death? These are things that I have difficulty with. And as some believe that bad things happen because of harm we previously did to others in a past life, would it be thought that an abused child brought that on themselves? (!) If there is justice then the perpetrator would reap what he sows, but it would go round and round as it would mean that in next life they would be the child. We certainly have opportunities to learn from those who harm us and terrible situations. Horrible times are the greatest opportunity to see true beauty or true darkness, much more than in times of peace. If the dark, ugly times provoke beauty in someone rather than more darkness, then there is meaning in what seems meaningless, which is more important in life than peace and happiness.
Savannah, thank you for writing about life contracts made during lives between lives. Dr. Michael Newton’s books: Journey of Souls and Destiny of Souls changed my life. It was through his books that I learned that the people who surround me have been with me through many lifetimes. And realizing that the relationshyt with the N that brought me to this site was a life lesson, not a romance, has been an awakening. Also, thank you for the book suggestion, I’ve ordered Samantha Rosen’s book. All of your articles are thoughtful and inspiring but I’ve particularly enjoyed this article, it is life changing if you’re ready for it.
Great post. Caroline Myss also speaks about Sacred Contracts, and how they play out here on earth. Actually, our intimate experiences with a narcissist can always be turned around and used as a teacher of how to love ourselves. The older I get, the more I see how all my painful relationships were an extension of the disconnect I had within myself. I was always seeking to fix the disconnect by getting love and approval from men who were incapable of truly loving. Now, at 60 years of age, I know better.