Ghosting, the silent treatment, the disappearing act, radio silence – no matter what you call it, when your partner makes the decision to cut you off that’s a huge flag that speaks volumes about the kind of person you’re involved with and it’s a very tangible act that requires your immediate attention.
What Precedes a Disappearing Act
When the partner of a Narcissist starts realizing that things just aren’t adding up and they start asking a lot of questions, a Narcissist will get very defensive. When cornered, like a rat, a Narcissist will not cower, but will go on the attack. They’ll get angry, pick a fight and somehow make all of their bad behavior your fault. They will gas light or terrorize you. How dare you question them. They do not want you getting too close to the real them and they do not want you to get too close to the truth. Their filter is so twisted and damaged that by the end of it they are wondering if perhaps you are not quite as special as they once thought. This is usually the spot where their feelings switch from having over-evaluated their interest in you to devaluing you.
When we’re upset with someone, sometimes we need to take a few and be by ourselves to calm down and clear our heads. With healthy couples this cooling off period will usually be followed by more dialogue, apologies and making up. With a Narcissist the silent treatment is their opportunity to incite psychological warfare. The purpose of the silent treatment is multifaceted and usually consists of several of the following reasons.
Punishment: This is usually the main reason for a Narcissist to ghost you. How dare you accuse them. Don’t you know who you’re dealing with? ‘I’ll show you just how awful challenging me can be and trust me you won’t like one bit of it,’ is generally their mantra. Bottom line is they want you to suffer and they feed off of your pain.
Psychological/Manipulation Technique to Train You How to Behave: The goal here is to teach you how to behave by using a simple negative reinforcement technique. If you behave and ignore all of what you’re seeing and feeling I will stay and continue to terrorize you some more, but if you behave badly, by questioning my horrendous behavior and are displeased by it, I will leave you feeling responsible and terrified that I will never return. I will press all of your buttons and hit all of the triggers I have skillfully gathered while you thought I was just getting to know you. By the time I’m done with your training you will expect very little from me and will have learned to keep your mouth shut.
Seeking Out New Supply: In my dealings with Narcissists I’ve been able to understand that, quite often, their behavior can be very impulsive. Sometimes they see something, they want it and they act without much thought to the consequences. In this case an opportunity will present itself and they cannot help but take advantage of it. If another catches their fancy they will want to experience that person and get a good feed in without having to deal with you. They may want to ascertain whether or not this supply is better than you and if they should replace you. They will not tell you this of course. You will be left completely in the dark, because if it doesn’t work out they want to be able to come back to your understanding arms.
They Don’t Want To Face the Consequences: Sometimes the jig is up and the light of day has fallen on all of their relationship crimes. A Narcissist will ghost you in this circumstance because they aren’t interested in being berated or having to fess up that their behavior was less than stellar. They will tell themselves things like, ‘I didn’t care about her anyway,” and they will not feel a lick of remorse. In many cases like this, the ghosting is permanent or semi-permanent and you may never hear from them again or it will be a long, long time before you do.
They will never give you closure because they are not interested in your feelings or how you’re dealing with their betrayal. These types are far from being emotionally honest and always want to leave the door open just in case they may want to give it a knock somewhere down the road.
The Return of the Narcissist: What Happens Now?
If someone behaves poorly in a healthy relationship, upon reconciliation, there is generally an admission of wrong-doing, atonement and a change in behavior. In a relationship with a Narcissist there is never a desire to have an open dialogue about the ‘problem,’ there is never an admission of wrong-doing and the behavior goes on as it always has. Astonishingly, they act like nothing ever happened. If you bring it up or try to talk about it you will be ghosted again until you learn not to talk about it and you will learn too, because you will remember the agony you were left in. The way your mind terrorized you with thoughts of him being with someone else and you don’t want to go through that again, so you will learn to adapt to his way of thinking. You’ll learn to be quiet and to eat your feelings. You’ll start telling yourself that what they did was no big deal and you’ll make molehills out of mountains of horrific behavior, because you’ve been psychologically conditioned to do so.
If you have caught your partner in a mountain of lies, if you have reason to suspect that they’ve been cheating, if their treatment of you has been less than respectful you have every reason to end the relationship right there. These are boundaries that must be maintained or else you will find yourself caught in a psychological trap that only gets harder to extricate yourself from.
If you had evidence that your partner was cheating and brought it to their attention (and that person was innocent) they would bend over backwards to make sure you got to the truth. People who have nothing to hide – hide nothing. People who are guilty will do everything within their power to make sure you never get to the truth. Narcissists are masters at this game, don’t let yourself get caught in their trap, recognize the signs early and get the hell out.
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My daughter whom I’ve shared a natural closeness with all her life ghosted me last November, for what I don’t know, she is however married to what I believe is a narcissistic husband. He has turned her away from me for sometime before she ghosted me. I’m at a loss as to how I deal with this, you ask, ” how do I know this” ,,he has,,,,since she’s been with him, tried to put me, in my place, first , pretending to be there for me, the while living in my home for free for a year, told me “eff you”, then from that point, made every effort to ridicule me, in front of her,. His parents ” cino” ( Christians in name only”, have also humiliated me, hurt my feelings, and bullied my grandchildren. My daughter knows this but I’m the one who gets ghosted. I did do to visit her in spring 2022, it seemed normal while I spent time with her I asked if grndcldrn could come that wknd for a visit she said yes,,,,never heard from her. Btw I’ve been part caregiver for those children since they were born. Until 2021 november. That’s like ripping your own children from you. So here I am writing this. All I ever do is pray that God understands this is not my daughter and I forgive her bc I know she would not do this alone. But as I say this I miss her tremendously along with my grandchildren. How do my grandchildren feel and what does she feel about this. My granddaughter children are 12, 6, and 1 and a half. The youngest doesn’t even know who I am
She waiting until my family was sick and I was at my weakest then broke evey promise she ever made. She left for 2 months and kept me dangling while she did god knows what. She humiliated me, used every weakness spot.i ever trusted her with to hurt me and twist me up so badly I fell apart. She claimed to be the victim after torturing me, I knew her for 8 years and she never had the decency to even look at me again. I should have put all your things outside the day I came home to your note. You ruined my life for the past year, I still wake up crying in the middle of the night way too often. No one has ever treated me so awfully, was so maliciously cruel and cold in all the ways they pretend not to be.. why would you do all that? How could you take your pain out on someone who adored you and you used for years? Why do I deserve that for opening up to you and trying to understand you, you lied to me, you made me feel crazy, falling down shaking haven’t panic attacks in disbelief you could be so cold. I don’t care how you justify it you made all this happen and you did it for some pathetic victim story you need.. my whole life is wroth less that that to you yet your the victim.. this is how you feel powerful and in control of your life by tearing people apart who get too close? You’re a monster
I feel this one in my soul
Hi Sandy, I know this comment is old but I wanted to say I feel your hurt and know how crippling it can be. You can’t give up on yourself no matter how hard it seems some days, you were someone before they attached themselves to you and tried to drain you of everything they wanted and leave their baggage behind but it doesn’t work. They lie and cheat and shift blame and lead people along only to break their hearts and minds more. They know how they’re doing these people have no soul, they pretend for everyone around them no one is an exception… you are evil if you ever read this… I don’t care what he future brings I didn’t deserve or need this harsh horrible lesson from a person like you who lies with every waking breath for years. Honestly how can you live with yourself, you did it all on purpose for this insane victim story, why? You are such a coward, your heartless actions went against everything you ever promised from a long time before you wrote it all down… the way you did it all is so sick, what am I a puppy? A practice dummy? Why?? I feel so violated all the time in Everywsy because of you and you still need to pretend to be a victim, you’re pathetic.. Not you Sandy, you are a survivor and I am too, you don’t get to win other person… you can’t pass in your pain or disorders or trauma it doesn’t work, you’ll always be you I can heal from your years of manipulation and abuse
Ouch Zoolander I get it.. I basically found my ex was living a double life… she set it up to look like she was abused, went through all the motions… I was so messed up from it I lost it, tried it her way but it was all a setup for this insane victim story.. she’s always had mental health issues but I never imagined, she was so heartless… overnight I was her stalker abuser I flipped out because she left with a note after never leaving the damn house for 2 years saying she was worried if abuse her! Then stayed gone forever, she wouldn’t talk to me outside weekly emails where she sounded like she was building a case against me acting like we were already done… she’s utter scum. Maybe she listened to one too many support groups and related things but there’s no justification for ruining someone’s mental health , life , career , reputation self esteem lol and she claimed to be saying the most hurtful things a person has ever said to me for me… it was all lied and manipulation .. it’s so sick, we spent years I adjusted so many things to fit her life style what she needed because of her issues and then when I need her she is gone saying she can’t carry both of our emotions.. right after she got vaccinated she split too, this girl never left literally we spent every minute together and it was actually great.. then I’m labeled her abuser this girl starting posting about womens shelters she probably went to one to sell it but it’s insane she rich has family 2 minutes away and the night before she left I was tucking her in with stuffed animals!! Taking pics of her in bed at her request its like a nightmare, black and white.. then she tells me all her friend everyone things I was a stalker psycho I met her family a few times barely met any of her friends.. she flipped all her mental illness stuff in me and then said I was the one projecting onto her. She knows she’s a narcissistic and boarder line she runs from it and fakes therapy hides it::. But this hypocrite strung me along while I was literally falling down having panic attacks for 7 weeks before and still wouldn’t even speak to me.. after years together.. she’s a lying shameful coward, she pretends to have trauma and everyone is her abuser for some sick attention or reason to live the way she does… she fooled me into thinking we were soul matted with years of the most heartfelt meaningful things, deep personal ones and then used it all against me to hurt me as much as possible and use my reaction to justify her leaving.. it’s text book stuff she knows what she did she’s a user, I loved this lie more than myself and she did all the things the only big ones I ever asked her not to from day one when we were making promises before we moved in together.. I knew she could flip from a smile to tears ina second but to find out so much later.. I’m still not over it, how could anyone get over a person lying and putting up a fake personality the whole time I knew them.. she has other numbers propele she knows how live way too close to here ,, all the pieces start clicking once you realize they lied from day one.. all those little things that didn’t add up, I feel so duck every time I think about it, literally I need to do excercires to stop and crying fits out of no where when the pain of it hits.. I’m finally feeling like I could try again at life but just thinking of how cold and twisted the way she left was, all the ways she lied and stung me along and tortured me,, nothing I did in our entire relationship was as bad as how she was.. I wasn’t perfect but I loved her completely and did want to work on a life with her but she was never coming home, she never really spoke to me again never once looked me in the eye.. I’m tearing up thinking about all the things she said and did… how she used me to grow while taking awake my strength and trying to punish me for responding to her severe emotional abuse.. I need to stop and go for a walk I can’t sleep.. every time I think I can stop hurting from it grr but it’s gotten so much better. I had to be hospitalized, I can’t work or couldn’t take proper care of myself for awhile.. she turned me into her when we met it’s insane.. I’ve never felt so dehumanized and used and manipulated in my life, no one’s ever been as cruel and I thought she was the sweetest girl alive, I miss taking to her about important or interesting things I still want all the dreams and promised we had but knowing the person I thought was my true love soul mate the one one real deal turns out to be a malicious pathological liar I don’t even think I knew a real person. I feel the same like a test husband she met other people out of town I never suspected, but some of it now I feel so stupid for ever believeing but who expects someone to scope you out and lie and appeal to you from before you started dating. If I were a woman her whole weird goodbye sex thing might be a crime, it makes my skin itchy I feel violated and tricked in every way. She brought the police here when I wasn’t even home and packed for just to have it on record!! It’s pathetic she claims to be a feminist but acts like a rape accuser,, anyway it doesn’t help to dwell, she can be the poor Victim to people she uses to justify her bs.. ofc people will tell you to run if you say you’re worried about abuse anyone would but I never even yelled at her.. I have a record so she dangled that for some sick power and control over me, that’s what they really want… they don’t care it’s black and white for them as long as their golden people think it’s ok and support them they can ruin lives set people up, whatever it takes to not face what selfish self centered disgusting monsters they really are behind the mask. It hurts my heart to say that because when I think about her it’s still hard to forget how special I thought what we had was and how we’d always work though anything.. she waited until I was so stressed from work and family illness and Covid stress and fear got me then ghosted with a note and labeled me her abuser.. I’ve seen forums where women actually cheer this on lol I mean in cases of real abuse but you don’t make it up and then breadcrumb and pretend you want to work things out.. you say hey I’m sick of your shit I’m going yo my moms or a hotel or laz house no I don’t do that anyone who would abuse services for women in need for their fake abuse sorry belongs in hell
They are soulless people… it’s not in you for loving a lie, you have to remember that please
Same Zoolander almost world for word I swear…
They are all cowards pretending to be the victims while using abuse tactics to torture their victims and lying to their enablers. I’ve been reading about escaping abuse, no contact etc for too long now. Some people will always take advantage to play the victim. If they’re breadcrumbing you, imposing unfair boundaries, labeling you mentally ill for putting up with months of emotional abuse and lies. They need to manipulate and put it all on you. Real people talk to their partners and only go no contact as a last resort. This whole ghost for you and they have a personality disorder if they don’t like it is ridiculous pseudo psychology that got hijacked by life coach types and online therapy to exploit women and enable covert victimized narcissistics like some Gen nazi cult
This has been Alex E all along Katie McMurray, I never stopped loving you. Please forgive me I’ll talk to you soon old friend.
Thanks Alex I knew it was you
Hey Alex see u soon on the stand, I’ll keep sponging off I forget though thanks for being friends with a psychopath
Just be a real person and don’t lie to everyone pretend your life away and make monsters out of everyone who tries to love you
Sitting outside your hotel, carol stream down the street from your place… i think about what was going through your head, if any of your fear and bs were real for you or all just part of the act now… I hate what you did to me, I hate what my life and mental health became and I especially hate how it was the opposite of who you always promised to be. No matter your excuses and lame attempts to look like a Victim you just seem like a shameful over privileged petty Little girl who needed her big victim story… well no matter what you ever say I didn’t do anything to you, you hid so much and lied about everything for so long, you are so sick to leave me like that it destroyed me, and it’s not even how u go no contact or do ahh if it , you twist that too and boundaries and anything you can but you are still like a tape accuser and should be ashamed of taking advantage of me, womens programs, using Beyoncé like U always do,, your lies killed me and cost me my life,, your shameless bs after you left and strung me along is so twisted and cruel I can barely think about it without crying to this day thanks,, for tearing me down worse then I ever though I could survive, I loved you so much I missed you so dearly and never imaged you could just leave and never even talk again you really are a spineless horrible coward with absolutely no respect or care for anyone but yourself deep down, I hate how you tricked me and tried to train me and abused me like your parents did u, you don’t need other peoples opinions either that’s more blame shifting you lie and exhaderate and need your little drama buddies to parrot back what you tell them, but you tell lies and hey your tax friend is w dumb psycho biotch lol she’s lot stable and you never were, I doubt doctor pica or any of the shrinks uou cherry picked did anything but enable you like Stacy does, you can lie your whole like we’ll both always know how malicious and cold hearted you are, you lied everyday and lived other lives behind my back and tried so much to be what you needed but nothing is ever good enough, I used me and violated me, even sexually before you left and it makes me sick, I wake up crying so often still or just can’t stop or try it broke me as w person you meant so much and we were so close then overnight I was your worst enemy, none of the crap u were afraid of was remotely true or fair you just sounded crazy I thought u snapped. But no you just set me up to look crazy and abusive and ever planned on coming home or even talking to me like a person ever again. You degraded me and ounishmed me for problems you made up and knew about and blew up, you broke my heart and mind and soul Katie I’m driving home soon,, talk to me please I’m not doing well and you have always owed me at least human decency but you will never face me or acknowledge you did any wrong even though you did all this instead of what you always promised,, cheating lying fake victim.
Ps I’m touring at greenway soon can I your bathroom I gots to pee
Just get over it already, move in with your life she doesn’t care she never will… you’re only hurting you now
Yikes. You have to let that pain go for your own sake…. You know it’s well past time you moved in and let her go. Some things will always hurt, and some lessons we don’t deserve to be forced to learn. But all you can do is look ahead and look out for you now, Please for your own sanity and peace of mind just let them go, if they cared they’d be there… care about yourself now and how you can feel whole again. Love ya… I’m sorry for everything you weren’t through
These are sick shameless people, they will make you their hobby try to get silly law suites over ridiculous things to feel in control
Aww this reminds me of a Christina Perry song, “Jar of Hearts”. 21 pilots did a fun cover too that helps me feel upbeat sometimes when the hurt is too much. Hang in there it will get better, learn to be better for yourself and want more for you that’s how we grow. https://youtu.be/8v_4O44sfjM
You have to understand you were setup from the start. These people really don’t have feelings in the traditional sense. You were just a tool for them, a stepping stone, a practice partner. It’s so hard to really accept but you have to remember how they treated you not the things you miss, You don’t miss a real person only the version they wants you to see while they lived a double life and planned your suffering. I’m so sorry to be this blunt I know it tears your soul apart to find out you we’re manipulated from day 1.. no one sees it coming but it’s not you… try to remember that they’re the abuser who played you and lied to you even when it’s hard and you wish things were different they’re this way because someone chose to hurt you maliciously
Grr… sorry Kate, I get how much it eats you up inside when the fog starts to clear and you realize a person you loved never really meant a word of what they said and you were always just temporary to them. That alone is devastating enough, then when you really see their true colors… how used and manipulated you were, the double lives they lead, all the things that didn’t quite add up in the past click and I it feels like you are going crazy!! That’s all intentional too!
When I was going through the worst of it I couldn’t think straight or even understand what was going on. I came home to an obscure note saying my partner was worried about possible abuse in the future… then spent the next 2 months hearing how this is what’s best for us so we can be together forever. If she wanted a break or was worried, or did just need some time to figure things out a partner, or anyone with decency talks to their SO, sets boundaries with them and does it the right way.. if your partner is emotionally torturing you with the silent treatment and cutting you out without any regard for you or your mental health, that’s not fair or what any real therapist thinks is healthy for either party. Unless you’re escaping a dangerous situation.. but pretending then going through all the motions your partner is a danger, labeling them your abuser, imposing unfair boundaries on a long term relationship… that’s just a pretty way narcissistics and users twist things around to pretend their the victim..
It’s messed up to see how many Facebook and online groups have popped up lately, I see the same stories over and over. People like that will call you all the things they are, abuse you in all the ways they claim to be abused, and in the end still play the victim card and ruin your life with false accusations of possible. They go out of their way to tear you down emotionally, keep stringing you along with false hope just to drop the floor out from under you over and over.. it’s sick, and you’ll
Never fully understand it or be able to because most people, decent people, don’t plot how to destroy someone’s psyche and do enough damage to call them crazy for reacting… they don’t spend years pretending to be a nurturing caring person only to stab at the most tender parts of you for their gain.
It’s been an eye opener for sure, and after all I’ve leaned I can honestly say I would have rather stayed ignorant forever then felt the pain and damage loving a narc, psychopath, bpd splitter whatever they are… it’s been hell and ruminating took over my life after months of panicked cognitive dissonance. I still get locked in those thought loops sometimes and have to practice mindfulness excises to not let them run away. A year and a half ago phrases like mindfulness exceeded and cognitive dissonance weren’t a part of my vocabulary! I wish they weren’t now, I’d give anything just to feel whole and normal again. I’ve come so far yet there’s still times, even after the best days when I get a reminder of all the things she did, how she manipulated them every step of the way, and it still feels like a gut punch, takes the air from my lungs and I tear up, either I can stop
It there or sob unconditionally all night… I’m getting better at catching myself, and this used to be every few hours, so there is hope to recover and hopefully one day trust again.
Yikes Katie, this sounds familiar..
my ex was lying manipulative abusive scum too! A professional fake victim, and I never imagined how sick she truly was until she sprung her trap and ruined my life. Now I doubt I ever knew a real person, they set you up and try to do as much damage as they can just to play the victim… it’s disgusting, mine abused the law, womens support for people in need, the things she posted online cost me my career and reputation.. they should be locked up but there’s no justice once you’re labeled an abuser by someone like her
I wish this we’re true for me. But it’s getting hard to believe I’ll ever feel normal again.. I feel so pathetic I let someone like this ruin me as a person.
I drove around all night thinking about everything trying to escape. I have a few family members dying or and recently passed away, Ive been in treatment for ptsd and recovering from severe emotional abuse for so long.
I keep driving to all these places trying to forget but no matter where I got I cry alone in the car and see reminders of my ex. I don’t think I knew a real person but I missed the lie I loved. I never mattered I’ve had to face the hardest times of my life while trying to cope with this crippling pain from all the things they did.. how far they went to hurt me and ruin my life in all the ways she promised to always be there..
I want to give up everyday, I keep telling people I’m trying and don’t better but I can’t even work and am barely hanging on. I feel so trapped and alone and I can’t explain to anyone why it hurts so deeply.. I’ve never felt so hurt and depressed for so long, now everyone else is leaving my life too and I keep wondering why I try. I just want to stop and not hurt anyone but I know there’s k way but what’s the point when I have ptsd from the love of my life hah I just want to be in a coma and not wake up I wish I never existed. I’ll never understand how people can play the victim even if it costs someone else everything. I hate how much it skies hurts no matter what I learn about in therapy or groups I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shock, some days I wake up
Crying and don’t really stop..still
It’s insane how could I have tears left!! When does it end ! I can’t live like this I’m not even a real person anymore she tried to turn me into her when we met and nothing has ever messed me up so badly. Then to be labeled the abusive one, soulless cowards… how do they live with themselves
They always spring their trap and show the true colors when you need them the most.. it’s part of the whole process..
It’s hard to talk about or want to or explain it anymore. I wish I could move on but I’m always trapped by the pain of how she treated me. Now it’s been so long and people need me and I can’t even support them probably. I can barely function like an adult I cried last time I tried to cook for myself, I feel so used and stupid for ever believing all the lies and cards and promises. I wish I could have a companion again, I don’t know if I ever want another relationship after this. But I spent so long with my ex everyday together, I miss the feeling of another person and I wanted to share my life with her forever.. she promised in every way to never do what she did and even that was worse than I ever possibly imagined. She never cared about me, thought of me as less than a person and stole a piece of me I needed to live probably, she turned me into her! I have an eating disorder now, panic attack’s, I don’t leave the house anymore or work I had a promising future and career I earned that too, and now I can’t even think about these things without getting tears in my eyes or drive to places I like without feeling like I should give up and anything is better than feeling so depressed and worthless and used.. sorry I wish I could end on a positive note… I have improved a lot, but knowing she moved on before I even knew what hit me and having to face all these deaths in my family and not being able to help financially, emotionally, I feel like a burden but I help them all and they count on me, I want them all to disappear secretly so I can leave this world and not have to hurt anyone but I will never do that to them and I know I can want more for me, I just never thought I’d have to live like this again after growing so much only to have it stolen by the sweet girl next door who said I was her everything.. blah
They want your mind spinning in circles.. so you sound crazy and they and tell everyone lies about you, then when their fiends and family, enablers and flying monkeys repeat it back they can use that as justification too. Somewhere inside they know none of it’s true but they’d rather lie to themselves and ruin other people than ever feel like they did something wrong… grrr I probably sound bitter because I am… I was tortured by someone who used me in deep sick ways. I still feel the panic and pain of the first day she left and first time I read about the cycle of abuse. Even now it’s hard to admit I was abused love bombed and discarded.. ptsd has crippled me, I feel so worthless and betrayed by the person I loved most and trusted like closer than family.. I don’t know how to heal
How could a person who claims to have grown up the victim of Narc abuse and gas studied personality dissorders use all these same tactics and claim their ex is the narcissist? This woman promised eveything I ever wanted to hear from a partner, found out all my trauma and used it against me while even telling the true about her issues was scared. She breadcrumbs for months promising to always love me like she said and work things out, but the longer she was gone the worse her victim story became, she escalated it all on purpose and lied to have this insane story she can share in abuse groups.. it has ruined my life and trust in people, even my ability to get real help and support.
“You should know all about this… wtf was any of it ever real to you? Have been I cried for almost a year now over someone who lied to me about everything from thr start? How could you do all these horrible things.. can’t you understand you caused the freaking breakdown then you said it was proof I want stable.. that’s not fair, all of this has been like a witch hunt and I didn’t deserve any of it, you can say I did all you want it’s not true. There are women in my support groups that don’t even believe you’re real after sharing all the emails and story. They fucking still talk to their actual abusive ex.. who hit them! And kids and didn’t go for am order of protection or programs when they probably should.. there’s a difference between that and thinking maybe in the future you might be abused. What does it matter though you don’t care that you fucking destroyed me as a person, you don’t care about anyone but you deep down.. That understanding, caring, charitable soul I loved is just for whoever isn’t it? You know I’m crying right now on lunch again.. it’s like eveytime I feel like I’m making progress i get some reminder of that hurt that’s so as sharp as the day you left me… then never looked at me ever again.”
This is repulsive and it happens so often now. The whole Johnny Depp fiasco was hard to watch while suffering from the same type of abuse but at least it helped being light to the fact that women can abuse just as deeply as men, men play the victim too but it’s not exactly the same in our society.. label a man an abuser his life is over, for a woman they get a whole mockery of a trial and Dan clubs apparently
I hated watching that going through the same type of abuse from a woman I loved,.. try to remember they don’t have real feelings no one like that could… keep working on you and stay strong champ
It hurts down into your soul to feel so used and manipulated for years, it breaks down your self worth waiting for them day after day never knowing the real story. They set it all up ofc for your to hurt and suffer so they can say you’re the crazy one but they are the users and abusers, please don’t forget that she’s the abuser peoples lives are just games to be because she doesn’t understand how real people function
It hurts down into your soul to feel so used and manipulated for years, it breaks down your self worth waiting for them day after day never knowing the real story. They set it all up ofc for your to hurt and suffer so they can say you’re the crazy one but they are the users and abusers, please don’t forget that she’s the abuser peoples lives are just games to be because she doesn’t understand how real people function
Knowing u were lied to for so long and never mattered is so hard, remember you do matter and people care you exist… she’s just a user a damaged person who needs to hurt to feel in control it’s not your fault for loving her please forgive yourself… she said everything you wanted to hear and it was all bs life goes on… learn from it.. stop feeling worthless please I need to feel something positive again I am trying to hard to hang on but I just want to slip away and try again in another life. I hate what she did to me and what I’ve become, it never stops hurting and I feel to ashamed to try anymore..
I felt this one thanks for sharing T
An evil twat for sure but is she just crazy or can she feel emotions? Katie u ghosting coward fake abuse victim chime in plz
This hurt my heart tonight I went off a hit here but thanks I’m done
UR SICK, u lied to me for years I know about you your online activities your interns Ted Mat Dead One you are shameless your Sc trip our whole relationship built on lies for your big victim routine… you don’t get to use people like that and lie in court you’re sick Katie drranged.. you don’t go from stuffed animals and nudie pics stitching to fake fleeing in terror… u fucked me over and then over and over my mind my heart that whole time I was breaking l… my mom did get more sick so did other people I wasn’t perfect but you… you are the most manipulative cruel cold hearted human being I’ve ever met… why… the shelters the police when I packed for u u are just a fake evil person Katie Mcmurray u crave attention like a drug and fake your emotions your life and live in lies… I thought I was the exception and we would get through anything and your promises mattered you’re just broken and twisted and too cowardly to do anything but live your lies no matter how much damage you do… I couldn’t function, you strung me along and acted like I was a murderer I thought I were insane but you were just setting me up and it’s sick you’re disgusting.. how do you sleep or do anything or accept your fake pity for lies… you should be ashamed but you have none and you’re either too sick or too evil to see it… I loved you I never did a damn thing to make you flee or need to escape you’re just a pathetic liar who needs that to make it ok… you used me my life my stength and crippled me in all the ways I were when we met… I feel violated for it and how u left makes my skin crawl now… the nudes all the promises all your dudes in waiting that never ledt you are a monster and you lied in court and in writing and I will not stand for it anymore now I hack me or get someone to and pretend for what?!! I don’t even work or function I’m under care all those emails Facebook etc closed down forever from being hacked… u set me up over and over it was u and ur a sick fuck Katie xoxo Chicago I attn whore wanna be victim… ur going to hell if there is one
I can feel your hurt I know that pain all too well
Hey Josh it’s Alex Colleen’s husband. I’ve always loved Katie McMurray, she kept me on the back burner until my wife, friends, etc became her supply also, I know she lies about liking metal but fuck she’s cartoon hot and mu savior complex will one day betray us and my family and Katie will blame me after using me for years lie she does with everyone yay Katie McMurray Batavia
Yikes, I’ve heard this one before. They latch into the biggest hearted people for life. She probably knew full well how you felt about her, but why be with you when they can string you along and you can be their best supply for life!
They probably have best frinds all over who’s lives they insert themselves into, they’ll fake interest, lie about core beliefs, pretend who they are to this group or that group. I know they’re not all all the same but mine lived so many fake lives she lived in constant terror of these best friends finding out anything that might make them stop liking her, silly things no adult should care about so these decade long fiends wouldn’t abandon her.. haha she abandons everyone! Eveyone in her life was some narcissistic stalker with serious unresolved mental health issues… gee, guess what she is… what she does.. all the things she claims the be the victim of!!
this girl spends a fortune to make up stories for her therapists for over 20 years now. Even that she just tells people what she wants them to hear to get them to tell her what she should do… it’s triangulation sure but that I’ll never understand. I get they need validation for the repulsive ways they treat people, but how can you really justify someone parroting back what you want as Proof.. it’s just another way to not take any responsibility for the severe emotional abuse they inflict that’s my 2 cents anyway
Oh hey and lax house and tri city family, I donate to both of them. You dare call yourself a feminist!? You abuse programs and for women actually in need, not just cowardly girls who can’t face the shitty things they’ve done and need to run away and pretend to be abuse, it’s so absurd and shameful, you were never abused you are just a piece of shit who likes to try to torture people with pain you can never face yourself,, I feel so hurt and broken all the time by the things you did it’s made me almost give up on life a few times over and lose everything I earned, while you get to live for free and collect pity attention and flirty and share your nudes and lure more people into your lies. You said you loved me so much everyday even after you left. No one could do those things who’ even has empathy, all the pics and. Cards and heartfelt bullshit your love bombing, those things meant everything to me, your promises did and it was always some setup for this… I hope you’re proud way to get all that power and control you crave… that’s not what relationships are about for normal people, and all the real shrinks endorse open honest communication Bedford your fake escape plan, you never had to escape Despite all the shit you talk I was practically your servant and walked on egg shells to appease your moods, I loved u. I’m struggling and instead of helping or even doing anything you take advantage of it all and my inner hurt you opened up just to back up this bs, and omg the saved pics after I was done and your last degrades bs letter, do you think that’s how restraining orders work? You white over privileged brat, that’s not what they’re for, ofc there weee no real cases before us, not that yours was, what a joke you are so petty and cruel. I hope one day you realize people aren’t your toys or pets but you never will or show any remorse or regret because again you are a coward fake person who needs lies to live, cheating awful manipulative user, how could you treat anyone like that let alone someone you sworre up and down for so long U wouldn’t.. you shame women, feminism, twist the law and accuse me of awful shit snd never even face me again, it’s tucked me up so bad it turned me into you! I can’t eat or sleep I’m crippled with anxiety and depression, I’m crying now just thinking about all the things u did and obviously foreshadowed how you would torture me,, I can’t even cry myself to sleep I need pills and to stop,, talk to me just once ffs stop pretending, I was never dangerous or abusive U are such a liar
Stop wasting your time she is an evil user
Yeah these people are the cruelest manipulators you’ll ever encounter. They lie with every breath and go so far out of their way to hurt you as deeply as possible it’s like they’re not even human or try to make you feel like you don’t deserve human dignity. They’re absolutely shameless
Your greenway play sucks btw, I see why u moved there tho god u lied so much about so many fundamental things you tried to instill in me. What makes your life and your mental health so much more important? Why don’t I matter at all? It’s the worst shit anyone has ever done to me and you have 0 remorse or feelings for someone you said all those years hints to for years, I believed you and u lied and used it all to destroy me as a person. You are a sick selfish evil manipulative soulless person Katie… I’ll never understand how you could do the things Uve done, you deserve real legal consequence but no I get to play victim for your whole miserable fake user life… why me? Why at such a horrible time ur just demented
Bro, these women have no soul… you’re expecting empathy from a professional victim who used you… honestly you’ll never get closer, she actually enjoys your struggling in some sick way, you’re only prolonging your pain now you need to let it go and get in with she was never who she claimed to be and you know it now, move on plz.. she was never worth it
I think this could have been phrased a little more gently, but I have to agree with the sentiment. I don’t think we see what a powerful hold the a narcissistic trauma can still have on us long after discard. For a lot of us this was our partner, best fiends, closest companion. When they flip they do it in the ways they know will hurt you most so they can still blame you.. if you react to their severe emotional abuse, silent treatment, projection, triangulation, get frustrated or are just in shock and confused they use it to show people they’ were right and you are crazy.. in my exe case even after we were fine and my mental health and life was in the toilet I was taken to court… months after she made the last contact with me, with a hurtful email filled with lied and the most hurtful things a person has ever said to me, threatening legal action if I responded… I didn’t and she still took me to court.
It makes you lose faith in everything, people, justice, morality.. it cost me my career, all the progress I’ve made on my own issues for so long and it’s like someone tried to steal it all. I would have rather found out she was a gold digger, or born a man or anything… but no she’s the monster she claimed eveyone else was. I want her soul mate, it wasn’t fate, she chose me as her victim and I thought she was an Angel… she just knew what I needed to hear to really love and how to take it away to recreate how she feels, it’s all about having power and control over and other life.. she admitted that in the end.. what she really was, not outright but in her writing maybe a part of her has some form of empathy but it’s burried so deep they can’t feel anything but fear of being exposed and the satisfaction of fooling everyone.. getting attention from so many people without ever feeling guilty.. it tore my soul apart
Don’t be scared Katie, you’re brave for admitting it and wanting to be better. The journey is never easy, for me personally the hardest part was trying to be proud of all the baby steps and back steps. I felt so broken from my own experience, I used to enjoy cooking take care of pans I used, I cried putting away groceries and making myself a meal not too long ago… I stopped living, I tried living in shock at first but after so long I know I needed to give my mind rest sooner to heal and accept. Educating yourself online is great but getting proper care and remembering or realizing you are worth taking care of means so much though if you’re not there yet please remember it gets better… the pain you leave behind. Can last a lifetime, but in the end we love who love and although I don’t know you and probably can’t understand this, I truly love you. I wish I could say it in a way you could hear more clearly, sorry for going on and on… I still have things to work on I always will how you get there, that journey… the baby steps and back steps all of them matter, what you do matters.
Speaking of the end of that has me bummed now, going to finish reading or go walk and clear my head.
Take care, saying that made me feel better but damn I wish things were different
Hey, sorry to break it to you but it’s because they probably lied about a lot of things from the start. I’m so sorry, I know how hard it is, I’ve seen people in marriages or together even just a few years who’ve needed serious help recovering after the effects of severe emotional abuse. Especially with the type of victim stories and drama they thrive on, you were chosen to be their dumpster from the start, it’s a hard pill to swallow.. but one day you’ll feel stronger and wiser and that hurt will fade if you keep trying, I promise.. keep trying for us
I never felt secure with our marriage. The day we were married a woman contacted his sister and me to say she has been talking to him the entire time and that he will continue. After that, everything i thought about him went out the door it was a little to late to get a divorce and i was trying to be and set a good example to my children after remaining single with putting them first and find love once grown. well that didnt happen i stuck it out and discovered he was talking to multiple women overseas and in the states, but as luck would put it, never any proof to give him and that was something he say all the time. i knew he was unfaithful. it wasnt until after years of marriage i gave up trying to catch him and focus on my health wihich was depleting. i only did one thing and i would take all receipts all papers in his pants jackets car and thrown in garbage and put in a box. he was bound to slip up if i wasnt searching. i focused on me and getting ahead after my surgeries to work again, i had 3 jobs and paid 10 day vacation to hawaii for the both of us, knowing in my heart it would be a make or break in our marriage. a month prior to our departure is when i was hit with my husband saying he wasnt going and i was bad company to be around. upset and hurt beyond imagination, is when i knew it was over, i moved out lived in our rv and took all the reciepts all the papers and all our old phones we had stored untouched over 5 years. it was then i realized the extent of his cheating the money he hid the job he hid and the effort time it took for him to hide the affairs. i found my proof and quite frankly still finding more. even though i had the proof, he still denied everything and didnt stop there, he started drinking after being sober for 5 years and with that he got sloppy and mistakes started appearing. it took 6 months to make him leave but not because he wanted me back, to take the memory cards and try to erase all that i was finding. the kicker was that i had no idea he was actually monitoring my calls messages everything from day one he was linked to my phone and even controlled what i view on the web. i realized then it was more, i realized why he was always a step ahead of me, because he was attending school to become a developer. i had no idea. he did all this and more, while i was in college and just overwhelmed with homework. when he left, he ghosted me. but didnt really ghost himself from me. hes attached to everything and it took a long time to uncover all of this. something i never would have done and go any further with as far cell phone capabilities and all that. during this time i put all the numbers in back burner and was trying to pull out more about him as a person, because i knew nothing about him obviously. and i wanted to start building a case to defend myself since he was remoting into my devices and using data under my accounts. my worse fear is he was doing something criminal and under me. to protect myself i made and wrote everything i would find. i never understood what it was since it was in code..but as of today, i can read code enough to know how it was done where it is at and information to cover my butt. you cant trust someone who lies to you and then when u have evidence denies everything. that person wont change his behavior and acknowledge anything. he continues to be on all my stuff and even though he knows its going to go against him, and a trail of reports or a case has been open, he still continues to torment me..not torment but frustrate me. but the worse part of it all, is finding and comin to terms with the fact he was and probably still is having an affair with my sister. i seen the logs but skipped her number shes my sister right? it became obvious and not a coincidence that she was tied to many spoof numbers as well as himself and used many different names. which led back to her. it was then i realized the length of time on the phone together and never once mentioned conversation with him, her attitude when she would visit and anger if she couldnt reach me by phone and then rush to my place and bang on my door, little to no regard, yelling out my name, desperate behavior and resentment towards me, but very obvious when she would step in pissed loooking around, not for me but for him. it was so obvious he didnt answer her calls so she assumed he was with me. when i did confront her she then said he was talking to her for a shoulder to lean on. i had to tell my other siblings to tell her to leave me alone and she wouldnt be the messenger to tell MY husband that im fine when i wasnt at the time. i didnt have a car and multiple times in my need to make sure he was ok and knowing where he was at, she would not take me there. ever. in fact she would tell me he moved out of town. when he was visiting family there. so my sister who is a narc and my husband both with same traits messed me up. emotionally. did they care?no are they both in denial? yes so any healing begins with me knowing it will never come from them and the only leg i have is the truth. it is taking me time because i get upset reviewing it so i stop and try again. ghosting is all new to me i never thought to imagine we would be distant in this way and even worse knowing that my sister still talks to him and a big part of where we are now. she had 5 years to get negative stuff in his head about me and 5 years to munipulate me to leave him bringing up every worse thing then positive to me, and looking back at everything, even the one who i thought was helping, suggest to me to sell my wedding rings to pay a bill,.and even did it herself, took my rings and sold them. i thought she was helping me but in reality setting my marriage up for failure. i take ownership of our marriage as well but right now i cant decide who is worse of human than the other. i wish this upon nobody. any money he hid in all these accounts or material things dont concern me. but anything criminal…i will bring to court to protect my name and reputation. they both can go to hell.
Thank you for this!
I dated a narcissist and recently got ghosted.
We met at a concert, she posted on social media she was going and asked who would be there, I replied and only thought that we would meet in person, grab a drink and go out separate ways…. Before that night we had never talked or flirted so it felt right when we “just clicked” from the start we ended spending the rest of the night together enjoying the concert. We dated for 4 months and got along great. She did mention that she had never dated an “alpha male” like me and that she liked that I was straight forward and lead the relationship when needed. Little did I know that it was not necessarily a compliment… long story short she ended up meeting someone else and became interested in him, red flags started to show here and there. We had plans for Valentine’s Day and I confirmed 2 days before because I had to make reservations for that night. She said yes that we were still on, The night before our date it was radio silence from her, no text replies or call. I let it go thinking I would see her the next day but she never called or text and blocked me on all social media the day of our date. Only thing I did was text her saying that I had always shown her respect and that she should have shown me the same in return. I have not heard from her or expect to. I had never had anyone do this to me and it hurts to not have that “closure” I would have respected her decision to walk away. Now I’m just mad because I feel disrespected and I know it was not something I did. I will eventually get over it. I would not give her a second chance if she tried to come back in my life. I love myself even if she doesn’t.
It’s so twisted how they change, change the everything!! The past the stories they tell, who they tell them too…. Then you find out after they leave you accuse you of for how you responded to their heartless abuse, flip everything you knew on its head and leave you broken… then yeah you find out more and more until you don’t want to know anymore and just wish they never targeted you as their next horror story.. sick people
Yeah but ruining your mind trying to understand her isn’t worth it, she used you and left you at your weakest in all the ways she promised she never could do F her… she set you up
To fail sos too missing her, she never meant a word
I could just be done and that could be it. I’m sorry, I still feel so used and hurt by it all but I need to move on and learn to live with that.
I’ve just been torturing myself for too long… I guess I held on like that for too long… it still all rings in my head and hurts to think about it, but I keep trying harder to think of better things and not become the thing you accused me of. I wish things were different and I’ll never still never understand how you live with yourself but I do just need to move on if
You can just drop it I promise done. I don’t even work anymore, the last few years, you, even trying to adjust to life after Covid without u, going through hell… I thought maybe a week or 2… but you never talked to me, I was just your enemy after all that… you knew
What that would do to me and you get to act like you gained your freedom.
I wanted to get out more you never did.. even with your friends family etc it’s
Not like we got many chances. But come on you leave acting like it’s an emergency obviously you planned that but wtf you act like I’m out to get you, we spent every day together ofc I never expect you to just leave and never talk to me again, tell me casually in email after what 2 months hey! Decided to get my own place for awhile, I’ll be there this date vacate or I’m bringing the police, this is the best so we can work things into like wtf,,,, then use my reaction to it all to justify leaving in the first place… it’s just sick manipulative bs that you do to everyone. I just never imaged you could do that to me and how low you’d go to never even have to look me in the eye again. I did everything I could to make it easier for you and you still acted like some battered woman and it’s disgusting. It ruined me, all the lengths I went to to protect your fragile little girl inside eating disorders, I feel like I got replaced for a biker fling and Uber eats or whatever you were actually doing because if you were actually at a women’s shelter you should be ashamed of yourself you over privileged coward. You have friends family money, oh and the most import part you were never abused or even threatened. Do you remember the night before you left weeks leading up
to it?? Home is wherever I’m with you, Charon what are you foreshadowing our whole breakup? You basically dare me to reply order me out of my home
You left and you know I did it for U! And you used that against me!!! You’re just a sick manipulator I get that but hey you fucked up my life very badly when you didn’t have to to leave. It’s messed up to keep proming for 2 months having me fill out worksheets, and I did
That for you, it sounded like psycho shit Katie I thought you snapped a month goes by, whatever you know exactly what you did to me and how deeply it would mind f me.. it was like my eating disorder, my pain, the thing that only you touched and said you’d never do the things you did to. You’re too smart and calculating, I will always feel used and embarrassed for loving you in the ways I did and finding out how little it ever meant to you. I couldn’t do to a person what you’ve done to me and nothing I ever did warrants it. So I’m done, if you can be. I need to let go for my own sanity, it’s hard to say sorry to someone who feels remorse, but I’m sorry for not letting it go sooner… it was such a hard time already, a scary time that we got through together. I never imagined any of this, never even seeing you again, it broke me in ways only you ever got to see… In those deep down places that never really get to heal. Bye
Tpc from Naperville also checking in… recovering and understanding narcissistic abuse had been by far the greatest struggle of my life. Try to remember you’re not alone, it’s confusing, terrifying even when you see their true colors. There’s so much support out there for people who’ve gone through the same things, it can be hard to see sometimes but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. You matter, they are the broken ones… they thrive on pain when you just wanted love
It’s insane when you start to find out all the lies, your mind can’t even understand how it’s possible. They can live double lives and you’ll never know until it’s too late and you’re being hospitalized for panic while they label you crazy and abusive for being upset that they ruined you and took back every promise they ever made while mentally torturing and manipulating you for some inane victim story…. How do people like this exist or live without a conscious?? I guess it’s easier than feeling the pain of what they do, I still feel it with every breathe I take
BEWARE: She love bombed me so thoroughly she could have said she was going to insert a knife in my heart and twist it I would have said ok. I am in awe that someone could manufacture such “love” as that! I thought I had all I ever needed in life period. Looking back, she choreographed our whole relationship, everything! Sex was like a movie, an unfeeling porn show, I don’t believe she once climaxed. Going out was an exposition in public for her glorification, I even let her dress me in clothing I would never wear myself. She was using me for nothing more than making a memory for herself. She was choreographing our relationship to be replayed in her memory for life after she left without a word. I was suicidal it hurt so bad! She was a sheer genius to pull this off I am still in awe of her talent. I say these things as a heads up for you guys, I am fine now and married to my real love. God bless and keep.
I feel this Vince, it takes your breathe away how black and white they are… one minute you’re they’re everything then you’re just their next victim story.. they need that to live apparently.. I know it’s hard but be grateful you got free early… KLM xoxo and all that nudiepic bs she was a tease to everyone you have to know that now those pics are probably in half her bffs albums now it was just s joke to her you were always just her plaything
They’re mentally Ill users. They try to recreate their own abuse or neglect by using people, attaching themselves and pretending to love you. Appeal to you and try to open you up in the deepest personal ways only to use them against you and hurt you as much as possible when they found a new supply or when you’ve seen to much. This kind of emotional manipulation is so damaging and they plan it all out, they always have double lives and secret friends, just assume all your suspicions are true.. I went digging and it was so much worse than I ever imagined. This person gave me the most heat-felt gifts, promised all the things I ever wanted from a partner, then did everything she swore never to do.. I mean it’s absurd in writing even in so many cards and gifts, you feel so Chested and used it broke me as a person, I still think about it everyday no matter how much I try not to, I’m worried I’ll never feel normal or safe or good about anything again. I don’t want to date but I’m so lonely, maybe it would help? I don’t want to carry over this pain into a new relationship but it’s like no matter how much time passes or what I learn about emotional abuse and why it’s so
Damaging it doesn’t matter. When I start thinking about it I can’t breathe I feel like I’m back to day 1 laying on the floor in panic coming home to a note. Then everything that followed was so cruel and manipulative I don’t think I can come back from it, I feel impaired ny panic and anxiety, crippled by depression, all for loving a person I thought was broken and healing, she was just using me.. lying for years every single day with every promise and I love you.. I hate this feeling but now it’s getting hard to remember what I felt like before narcissistic abuse .
I agree to disagree about false accusation means you will be open to having your life put under a microscope since there is nothing to hide. I am exceedingly private and I am fine with, even encourage, anyone I have a relationship with to have their own life outside of the one we have together. Zero interest in co-dependent enmeshment that Disney and others promote as the height of romance. My partner having interests, hobbies, friends and opinions different than my own makes them interesting too; I learn from them and hopefully they learn from me.
I have a rule (boundary)… I never allow myself to be disrespected, ever. I will consider context and why it occurred, maybe a really bad day, fine maybe once a year, but it will be discussed and understood as to why so I understand it; and vice versa if it’s me being the asshole since I must own up to it and understand why.
As for being accused of something I may not have done. If cheating, I consider it a red flag and likely a projection since I know what I have or gave not done. I will talk through it asking why, if evidence has a logic to it, sure, go through it and set recurs straight, but I will never allow access to personal and private parts of my life, they are mine, for me, and I always respect the same with others. Attempt to push my boundary, I will voice my objection and why, try it again, relationship is over since that means they can accuse me of whatever and use it as an excuse to attempt to own and control me.
Similar to triangulation and jealousy. I tell women who ask me if I get jealous these four words, “I don’t get jealous.” When asked to explain, since it seems to disappoint many women… Only I can make myself jealous, no one else; if I realize someone is trying to make me jealous I view it as a breach of my personhood and they are trying to control me and more important, if I do feel jealousy (I can and do) I won’t ever show it, ever, and I will immediately self reflect to understand why I feel this way, is it due to my own insecurity which I must understand and figure out which is on me and not the other person in the relationship OR is someone attempting to make me jealous and if that is likely the case, fuck them, their trust I had is now gone fir them because they are attempting to manipulate me. Triangulation is a form of using jealousy to control and I always see it for what it is and the first time will point it out and ask why, no second chances.
As I tell whomever I am with, I choose to be with them. I don’t need to be with them. I hope they feel the same. That means it’s a choice we make, not some idiotic cluster B High Conflict love story where everyone dies at the end which to be is sickening. Why would I want someone I care for to be so dependable and addicted they could not live without me, I don’t want they worry or guilt.
The greatest gift anyone can give is they have many choices, and for whatever reason, they chose to be with me while respecting me as an individual who has their own life, as they do.
Boundaries are good at the start of a relationship, as long as you don’t weaponize them as tools of abuse and impose new unfair and abusive boundaries on a long term relationship. You can’t twist psychology to fit your narrative, pretend that you even see or talk to therapists you haven’t been lying to for over a decade. You really messed my life up, you hurt me so deeply I can’t think straight
My narcissist is ghosting me now he left my home at 7.30 on a Saturday which hurt as he said he wanted to come and stay for a while and had told me yet again he wanted a serious relationship. As he left I asked if he meant what he said and did he want a serious relationship. He replied “ maybe “ which I’ve said to him this is are second time round. He further said he had to sort things with a woman who’d said she was seeing again. This women had lied about seeing him before in all fairness but he has kept her around. I had requested he sort the issue. When he left I wasn’t happy and txt multiple times telling him he could have been clear about what he wanted, he didn’t need to sort things with this women in order to do that and I had a new phone and number he wouldn’t be getting., he didn’t answer I did txt the next day from my old phone apologising for multiple txt and again no answer. I’m assuming this behaviour is because I’ve asserted myself. I was deleting my ex contact details on WhatsApp on the Saturday ( all my contacts had moved over to my new phone ) and rang him accidentally I didn’t think it connected but it must have? He txt once asking who it was and rang three times. I’ve haven’t got a picture of me on WhatsApp for safety reasons but assume he will have kept the number. Any help will be welcomed. Thanks
I just got out of a relationship with what I believe was a female covert narcissist. Everything was blissful and we moved across the country together. We had the greatest time. I felt on top of the world. We arrived at our new city and I was handing out resumes like it was going out of style. I got called for a job interview, and needed her to drive me. She agreed to do so. She spent the whole night before smoking weed and absolutely refused to get up the next day. We had our first argument and she left and went and crashed with a friend she knew from high school who happened to live in the new city we were in. She comes back a few days later and I had gotten pretty drunk. She was worried and calls an ambulance and we go to the hospital. I’m there for a couple of days, she comes to visit me, tells me she loves me and we make out. The next day I get out of the hospital and she’s packed all of her stuff and moved in with a Facebook friend one state over. I was devastated. Looking back there were red flags all over the place. She’d basically accused every single one of her past partners of narcissism, abuse or both. She got married right out of HS and had a kid that she doesn’t have custody of. We spent a month in her home state before we came here and not once did she go see her kid, not even when we decided to move clear across the country. That’s when my radar really went up. Her sister messaged me as she’d seen on social media her and I traveling together. She had told me that her sister was a raging heroin addict and that her dad was an abusive alcoholic narcissist. Her sister said this was untrue. I asked her sister why she wouldn’t see her own kid and she told me it’s because the kid wants nothing to do with her. Since the breakup she’s gone on social media and launched a smear campaign against me saying I hit her the day she called 911 to put me in hospital. Not true at all. She emailed or messaged all our mutual friends and my own mother to say I was an abusive drunk who hit her and she got the police involved. It’s utterly crushed me. I don’t know what bothers me more, the lies, the breakup or the vicious smear campaign. I’m now in a city I hate all alone and am completely shattered. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t leave my apartment. Worst of all is that her behavior has me feeling guilty and terrified and questioning my own sanity. What kind of person makes up false claims of domestic violence. And I’m not the first guy she’s done that with. She doesn’t have custody of her own kid but somehow the courts deemed her abusive ex husband to be better equipped to have custody of the daughter? Give me a break. It’s scary what these people are capable of when backed into a corner and it’s even scarier the effect it’s had on me. My blood pressure is through the roof, I can’t work, I’m not a functioning human being at all anymore.
Wowwww … my eyes have been opened. I’m in this very relationship right now. Nearly 3 years. He was so different the 1st year. Such an amazing partner, but now he is everything in this article except the cheating. But everything else.
Is it possible for him to have been so different in the 1st year? I’m reeling right now.
Don’t be so sure he’s not cheating… They all cheat!! I’ve talked to previous ex’s of my narc and a couple had no idea!!! He lived in her house they were engaged, and she didn’t have a clue. They are professionals!!
Savannah, may I post a link to your website on mine? I think what you say is excellent information. I have recently started a blog about my own personal struggles. I’m a newbie so t’s just in the beginning stages.
I didn’t want to believe it but omg she had me thinking she was this fragile victim. Looking back I feel so stupid, but it’s insane I mean it all made perfect sense at the time. Now thinking back to all those little things, all the what ifs, and funny feelings I had but didn’t want to say. No one expects someone to fake their whole personality. I know I shouldn’t hate myself for it but it honestly makes me feel sick thinking about all of it.. I feel like I can’t breathe and I’m going to throw up or have a heart attack when I really can’t stop thinking about it… how can they do so much damage. I’ve been engaged had to call off the wedding had longer relationships that ended badly but they’re all water under the bridge now. I feel like she broke something inside me, tried to turn me into her in all the worst ways while taking my strengths… I bet vampires are all narcissistics.. I need to stop thinking about it
Oh Neil, My heart really goes out to you! Are you doing ok now? I’ve been in a very similar boat as you! Except, I’ve been dealing with family members who are Narcissist who’ve all acted in the same exact mannerisms towards me. I’m also living alone in new city (to get away from their smear campaigns they destroyed my beautiful, great reputation I once had, they turned everyone against me with outright lies!) They all mobbed me 20 minutes after I found my beloved Mom dead. She was very wealthy, they wanted me outta the picture cause I began to see right through them
I don’t know what hurts the most either? The lies/smear campaigns, being so heart broken, etc. I don’t feel like my true self anymore either. I’m all alone in a new city where I don’t know anyone. I use to be so happy, outgoing, stress free, etc.
I hope you’re doing better now, will keep you in my prayers! I’m a beautiful 57 yrs young lady. I’m thinking of you, will keep you in my prayers, too!
I feel so sorry for men who get labeled as abusers. For women it’s pretty easy to deflect, but good men have to carry that stigma forever after the Narcissist who lied, manipulated, smeared your name takes you to court. I wish I could say sorry to them men I’ve hurt but I know it’s too late
We all know women like xox KLM xoxo who have no moral compass about using men for their gain… it just hurts extra deep because she’s not using you for money or a future she wants to set you up to fail and pass umber pain into someone else, these people thrive on victim stories it’s all they know and how they survive… you were always temporary the promises were just there to pull away and hurt you more so they could call you crazy for reacting, just accept it and move on now… everyone gets used it happens, I’m sorry please get well
It’s not always that easy to just accept and move on unfortunately. The victimized type narcissistic’s will go so far out of their way to hurt you as deeply as possible, then still blame everything on you, even their horrible abuse is your fault, then you find out all the lies over the years and wonder what was ever real. It can really do some serious psychological damage.
It’s so hard to come to terms with it… after all the love bombing and promises, realizing you were used, manipulated, that they appealed to the deepest parts of you and tried to break them for their own needs, to protect their fake lives.. for victim attention, to escape guilt, whatever the reason, no one deserves to be dehumanized, treated like they’re worth less than nothing. I’m ashamed to admit this but no matter how much time passes or how far I think I’ve come I still goto bed and wake up crying too often.. the pain of it all was the greatest betrayal and heartbreak I will ever know, I will never share my life with someone completely again.. I want to be open and honest and myself with a partner, so maybe I’ll just be alone.. it’s not worth it.. I’ve never felt so broken and hurt in my life and I never want to again.. I wish I could erase it all and just be ignorant that people like this exist
Can you give an update of what happened after all that? Did you ever hear from her again, did you meet someone new ?
I can’t even begin to thank you for this. For almost a year I kept wondering what was wrong with me and how I could be so crazy as to drive someone who supposedly loved and cared about me away repeatedly over and over and over again. My behavior in the beginning and my behavior recently I noticed are drastically different. He uses the silence as a punishment and to try to train me. I thought he was joking when he first started dating when he told me that me having a strong personality wouldn’t work. Every time I call him on his bs (sometimes he apologizes to his credit) but immediately after his demeanor changes and he’s just plain mean. He’ll say horrible things and ask me “what in the actual f*** is wrong with you” “you’re batsh** crazy” and will tell me I’m stupid. I’ve gotten to the point where for a couple of days I’ll actually believe him and think he’s right. So I’ll find myself apologizing then facing the silent treatment and when I really think about it, I have no idea what I did wrong.
Things make so much more sense now. Thank you so much.
in the beginning, mine said something similar. He said “I am the boss and i make all the decisions in this relationship. you will be treated like the princess you are but i will always be the boss” i said “we will need to talk about this in person” and he responded, “No, we dont. and we wont. i will give you a big hug when i see you and you will know how much i love you but we are not discussing this” what a HUGE red flag. my gut sensed something when he said this but i didnt listen.
My ex said by text when we first got together that he believes in a relationship one person is ‘owned’ by the other person. I told him my view of a relationship differs and is one where both parties give/recieve mutual support. Of course that should have told me something was not right but it took my 7 years to understand and finally break free. It seems these people give themselves away but at times we refuse/are not able to understand the true implications of what they are saying. If I date again I will be on the look out for any statements like this which seem weird.
I’m doing a bit better but a long way to go. I drank myself into a near coma at one point.
I have been in a reeling, toxic marriage with one for two decades. I’m free 3 months now. I set my boundaries one night after he feigned a fake rage/anger outburst. Told him enough we were making each other miserable. He has ghosted me once or twice a year, leaving to go to his camp for 2-3 weeks at a time (pretending to teach me lessons and how we can’t live without each other). Ha! He’s always said “my camp has saved our marriage so many times over the years!” They are exploitative! The last time he left he used the 30 day no contact rule on me. I figured it out and I called him on it. I told him If he ever did that to me again I would divorce him. He knew I meant it. I could see the shock/terror in his eyes when he realized I had been educating myself. His brain started reeling I could see it in his eyes and expression on his face. Believe it or not, he literally went 21 months without running off and ghosting me again. For whatever reason he had to scratch that itch again and he feigned another stupid immature fight one night. They’re like jr high kids. I had warned him 21 months prior and I was purposed and resolved that I would do what I said If he ever challenged me again. So I told him he had to go. He left went to his camp for 14 days then while I was away on a senior Beach trip with our youngest daughter he moved his clothes out of the house and a few hunting things. Left everything else. Kept my keys to my house and my camp. I had not called or tried to contact him once until the day of my daughters senior graduation. When I called his cell it said the caller had set me to call restriction. So lame! He knew I wasn’t harassing, calling/texting him but he knew I’d be calling about our daughters graduation and celebrations for that evening. He’s been ghost, had me completely silenced, gone no contact for 75 days now. He has hoovered me several times via email (I haven’t responded), and he’s using his younger brother as his flying monkey to send messages back to me about all he’s doing. Trying to make me jealous and get me to break no contact. I’m laughing as I type this. I’ve studied and educated myself so well on NPD that now I see him as pathetic. Our minds bought into the illusion of their fake person. Their games are ALL St Elmo’s Fire! It’s not real! None of it! They’re vampires, cowards, users, perverted thinkers, broken spirits, they’re like
nomad’s roaming the earth looking for who they can devour! They’re afraid and scared. Imagine yourself a fly on the wall when no one is around. They’re actually in a fetal position rocking back and forth. They’re all about mind trickery and they are very skilled at it. They have zero remorse and care nothing about their victims. Their victims are there to serve one purpose. To supply all their tangible, financial and emotional needs. They never cared one thing about you, or their children. They are liars, thieves, they exploite their victims for what benefits them, and when their mouths are moving they’re deceiving you.
I just recive this link from my girlfriend. I belibe she find herself in to it. Its true i gibe her some silent treatment in a way and it looks like this. For 4 years we have the problem that she treat me like a random guy…she judge an issue betwin us like she remeber from other relations she had…it hurts me when she tells me or act under the statement ” i know how man are”. For the last 4 years if i dont call her for more then usual …taht means i cheat …cus this is what man do…if i go clubbimg i do some bad stuff over there…cus that what man do. She told me she envies me of what kind of life and friends i have. And 90% of our fights end up whit her saying i m right after 2 hours of explenations. I even start to belive she dose not have imagination to think more then whats the worst…and any way even if she train to think more suportive its not helping if she feels the same negative things. Now i told her i refuze to talk my life on messenger so i will talk whit her only on video calls since i m out of the country for few months. Back in the days we both agree she need to change the way she looks at a love relationship…we agree on most of my thoughts. We agree she has alot of baggage from her previous relations which ruins the ways she filter scenarios and issues betwin us. We agree that i made this relationship to work for the last 4 years due to my ability to give another chance…or to find power to explain every decisions i made even when her opinion was hurting me…or was unfair or make me feel i was not understood by my own girl. And now i reach a conclusion that i will only video call her to see who is she…what good brings betwin us…how original is she by the judgement and how capable to follow the line of the truth she is…i dont want to waste years. I belive she send me this link cus she is allone and upset cus she cant become fair to me and she dose not know how to bring peace in her couple life. She told me that she allways make people who love her to sufer…like family. We agree her nature is distructive. She lost the power of her words cus every argument we have she promise me she will not do it again but she allways do it. I slept on the couch cus she dissapoint me the way she thinks of me…and she got upset and she belive i dont like her anymore…that hurt me cus i went to sleep on the couch becouse i got frustated of howshe judge me. When i left the country i told her i dont have the power to keep this relation togheteher anymore..i want peace…harmony and happy memories… i call her abert few days although i want to call her every day but every time when i call i see there is no change in her aproach in her mentality so i m forced to close the phone…wait 2 days to clear up my mind and give another try…i havr a question for you man and women…becouse i do this…i am given her the silent treatment? I am a narcisist? If for the last 4 years she talk to me like i am any other man…how can i not feel bad to have no presence in her brain and heart. How can i continue a video call whit her when she shows me she did not change her perspective of a couple life. I dont cheat for many reasons…i had patience to explain anything…i follow logic …reason…and pruves…i enjoy the truth and i reconize my folts in front of her. Not to many to be onest becouse of my nature of following the truth the facts the logic and more then that calm down the spirits…so in any arguments there are few levels…when she has the chance to bring peace betwin us…but allways she makes me snap. This article hurts my …cus my girlfriend try to pruve i have to change …but i allways follow the line of truth and facts. She shows i habe to change but we both agree her nature is distructive and she did not change that. She shows me she has a poor soul cus …hiw can you ask somebody to change when you did not change yet. Its i bad fealing when she pruves me again she dose not k ow me…cus i can agree this article could be my case. I will call her again to see if anything in her mind and soul changed but i cant call her for another 3 hours of explenations and another day ruinned just becouse she dose not have imagination to think there is more then he is a Narcis cus he dose not want to talk. To many uears she told me she dose not know what i want and i allways explain noe i cant do that anymore and her analogy to this article is killing any hope i have. I want to believe there is somebody here that could judge my case realistically cus if she reads this she will fight toghether whit her nature to pruve how wrong i am. I belive that the most important thing in a relationship is what you bring on the table… who you chise to be…the one who fix problems or ruins them even more. How can you not see if you damage fealings and expectations? How can you waste your time to search for articles on internet instead of reading your other half. Understand his needs from you! After 4 years im at the end of my power …how can she not see this..how come its not justify i will close the video call if i see no change? If she brinhs damage to us by treating me like a random man. If in front of God i never cheat her but she treat me like i did or i will. I need answers people…pls!
absolutely NOT. you are not a narcissist. there is so much more to being a narcissist. giving the silent treatment is not one of the criteria. regular people employ the silent treatment, not just narcissists. you need to get out of this relationship, she has already shown you time and time again that she will not change. you will not find peace and harmony with her. wishing you the best!
It’s hard for me to even find the words to describe how I’m feeling after reading this.
Almost every word has been my life. 13 years of lying, cheating and mental abuse has taken such a toll on who I am. They destroy you from the inside out … and then you wake up one morning and realize that your whole life has been a lie …
Every hope, every dream, gone. I cried when I read the descriptions of the abuse, ghosting, gaslighting, I saw myself, in everyone of those situations just stuffing my feelings deeper and deeper into my soul not realizing the damage that was being done …
Cynlbrtd – your story & my story are similar. My ex N had an affair w/his best friends wife & my son’s best friends mom (same person). We have been divorced 4 years & he still doesn’t admit it even though her husband & I have 100s of pages of texts and emails.
Everything is my fault & my son’s anger with him is my fault because “I turned my son against him”. As if having an affair & living w/his best friends mom should have no impact on how my son feels about his dad.
I know how much it hurts. Hang in there & stay strong. They have no capacity to even comprehend the consequences of their actions because they only care about what people think of them. Nothing is their fault. They are incredibly selfish. He has made up incredible lies about both her ex and me.
Time has made me realize all I did during our 16 year marriage was give and all he did was take. I never got my needs fulfilled. I know I’m better off & my focus is on my boys. I am sorry about your son. Both my sons have had counseling due to what he has done. He tells them it is my fault too. I pray a good solid principled man will come into our lives so they gave a good example of how a man should be. My guess is your sons troubles are a direct reaction to his fathers choices.
I am hoping time will heal you and your son. I am still healing and my kids are too. I find it very hard to trust men & trust myself to make good choices in men.
Stay strong & take care of yourself.
Thank you for your articles, dead on! I have been married for 28 years to this MONSTER! Always portrayed the perfect husband/father! We moved to a small bedroom like community 10 years ago the fake workout stay at home mom across the street caught his EYE! Then all the fights that came out of nowhere! I always felt something was off well before but shrugged it off as MACHISMO! But i started googling infidelity! And WOW! NARCISSISM! This was about 5 years ago and after his “admitted emotional affair in 2012! Only to find out from HER husband that it was sexual! Just last April! Totally devastating! And I’m to blame for it! He says I cast him out “2012” Bullshit! To this day he has never acknowledged his bad behavior! I even had a restraining order by her against me for 1 year! He was “talking” to her during that time! Yet I’m still here! He says nobody is holding me here but won’t move out! Not even to another bedroom!
I’m getting in trouble at work “2 week unpaid suspension” our youngest child (son) is currently incarcerated for drug possession/theft crimes! I’m a mess, but as i educate myself in discovering my own self worth, which pisses him off btw! Ha ha! I find your articles very therapeutic as i am discovering that much to HIS, dismay, that maybe I’m not the CRAZY so much afterall?! Narcs truly get worse with age! Silent treatments, name calling, projecting, Gaslighting! He’s completely textbook Covert Narc!
CatAt/Milie – Thank you so much for the replies. They help a lot. I’m feeling some calm and I feel good about not contacting him. The challenge will be the inevitable “hoover.” Yes he is an arch manipulator. I know this intellectually. The heart is another matter, and I’ve got three years of brainwashing to deprogram. Love to all of you for your support and for your strength.
You sound exactly like me .
Holly, I knew my ex narcissist for almost 20 years and never ever heard any name calling, never ever any violence, never ever any other women suspicion. He was quiet, gentle, helped with cleaning the house, cooking childcare and he was a good travel companion and yet, all those years I couldn’t quite figured what it was that I did not feel secure in the relationship. I always kind of had to tip to around him and any attempt of talking about his past, even like his parents etc. was not welcomed at all, so I learned not talk. He had those moody spells when something upset him and usually it would be some displeasing he found either in me, but mostly in our son, that both my son and I sensed from miles and miles. He would sitting motionless and the anger would ooze from his pores. Even if you asked him what was bothering him he would deny and pretend that it was nothing. This was so bad at times but interestingly never happened around his friends, or his family. It was either at home, or around my friends and my family. Other people would notice and ask me if they did something to annoy him and I always shrugged my shoulders and said: “no, he is upset with meor something else” when our son was little, there would be lot of tears and “dad hates me!” which I (this still hurts) explained to my son, that no dad loves you… and all the crap. When our son became a teeanger, then it would be avoiding dad like a plague, and there would be time on weekends that my son pretended he had a headache and stayed in his room unless I was home. Jesus Christ! Now, when I look back at those times, i get furious about how stupid I was. Once I started to talk about divorce with my family and friends, people were upset with me because he was such a “nice” guy, such a good family men!!! Aha!!! Once he knew, I will not back up from the separation procedures, then what Savannah explained in this blog exactly happened. Total discard of me and his “stupid” son, name calling, blaming me for all his wrong doings, ridiculous accusations of stealing his money (we both worked and made brought pretty much the same income home) and stuff, and other things I could not suspect in a million years. Then there was a new woman opportunity, secretly tasting and securing that new relationship without burning all the bridges and there was disappearing act, with no closure whatsoever. We are divorced now 9 months. I ran into him accidently twice since that time and both times he did not know me. One time he was like a few feet away, and I actually thought he was coming to talk to me. He noticed me and there was this empty look like I was a wall or something and he turned back and walked away. Like you don’t recognize a person you spend 20 years together! You can’t even say “Hi!” I said this here before: “I am telling everyone now, that there are two persons I know with exactly the same name and physical characteristics. Two people in one body! I say, I didn’t know one of them for 20 years, but that’s a lie. I didn’t know because I didn’t want to acknowledge the telltale signs and made molehills of bad behaviours and mountains of the good.
I recognise all that behaviour. Believe yourself – you have got it nailed and you are doing the right thing. His behaviour IS abusive.
About the emails, there is a blog of Savannah’s somewhere here which goes into that. If you send, he will ignore until it suits him to do a bit of a hoover – exactly like you say he does. To him, you sending the emails is advertising that you are still potential supply. Nothing else. I know you know this.
You might feel you want to go on writing them but don’t send them to him. I did a lot of writing, printed it, kept it in a wallet and added to it when I thought of something else. It did help to get it out of my system.
The file must be still there but I don’t look any more.
Yes, the obsession will lessen with time and meanwhile there are a lot of good sites that offer strategies to challenge it.
Meanwhile, hang on in there, keep reading the blog here and be good to yourself.
Thank you, Savannah, and to all who comment here. I found this site a little over a year ago after the fist FULL discard when we broke up over something stupid and he immediately started seeing another woman and someone suggested my boyfriend might be a narcissist. It helped me through until, of course, he worked his way back in, starting with leaving something nice on my porch – a part to a washer that he knew needed replacing. I now know it was part of the game, but I took him back and endured another year. This time I let him move in with me so this breakup has me really reeling.
The part that is throwing me off is that my guy was never violent or angry or overtly abusive like I see when I read about everyone else’s experience. He was, in fact, the sweetest most loving guy I ever imagined. When he was with me he was attentive and understanding and adorable and helpful, which made it so hard for me to follow my intuition when things didn’t add up. From the start, three years ago, there were odd disappearances. We would spend four glorious days together and then I would get radio silence for a day. He lived an hour away and had a teenage special needs daughter so he always had an excuse to stay enmeshed with his ex-wife and to be “busy.” Then there were the constant cancelling of plans at the last minute so that I had cleared my schedule and was left sitting alone all weekend. It was always something that came up with his daughter or a last minute need to help his college son, but his ex wife didn’t feel comfortable with me being involved and meanwhile my social network grew smaller and smaller. My friends slowly dropped out as support due to seeing a pattern of sadness and disappointment. And then there were the minor disagreements that would turn into a need for us to “give up” because I “always needed drama” and it was “never enough” for me. And I would revisit it in my head over and over and know that I never started the “drama” but after awhile I became trained to blame myself, lower my expectations and obsessively think about him. He would always end up sending long emails telling me how much he loved me and we should keep trying… In the end I finally looked at three years of emails and could line up all of the cancellations and brief “breakups” with his liaisons with multiple other women at a time. It even became clear that the emails always seemed to come from his phone and were probably written from another woman’s bed, just as I saw texts and emails to other women from mine.
The problem for me is that he completely stopped sleeping with anyone but me for the past year. He was loving and sweet and wonderful, but I had already learned of one act of cheating and I could never get comfortable and I could always see that he seemed to need attention from other women. He was playing tennis with a few and exchanging somewhat harmless but flirty emails as he set up matches. He had women emailing him through hiking or tennis meetup groups telling him they would like to get to know him, and it was obvious he was still leading women on, but he actually wasn’t actively cheating anymore. Still I could feel his restlessness and always felt anxious that I was the one that was “never enough.” So I did the final email search and found so much from the prior two years that I had to ask him to leave. He denies that he’s a narcissist and says he stopped seeing all of those women when he realized I was the love of his life. But he, again, jumped right back into seeing other women without a bit of a mourning period. Meanwhile I have been still thinking of him obsessively and can’t make myself be fully engaged socially no matter how hard I try. And I have been the one to email him constantly trying to process all that I’ve read, while he mostly ignores them until I stop for a few days and then he sends something sweet and sad and “best friend” filled. I t has been six weeks and I need to stop emailing and recognize he was an illusion and continue to keep my distance even as he reaches out to me in response. I’m finally deciding to comment here because I want this to be DAY 1 NO CONTACT and maybe to get some affirmation that the guy truly is a narcissist and can’t fully change despite the past year. It was still never safe and comfortable. It was no way to live. Does a narcissist HAVE to have an abusive side? This guy never insulted me and yet I do know I always felt inadequate despite being younger, more attractive and out-earning him threefold. He was always smarter than me and magnetic to women everywhere we went. I do feel unstable and insecure and question myself constantly and I suspect it is from years of gaslighting.
This is probably too long to read, but it helped me to write it…
An answer to Holly, because you really need one quickly.
He didn’t have to call you names and he could be sweet — but he was still abusing you. That is tough challenge that you will need to process — the disappearances, the cheating and lying, the guy is chronic.
I got involved with a similar “nice guy”, too. Now I think he was a monster and arch manipulator.
I think you need to speak to a therapist and set up a strategy for yourself. The obsession will lessen over time. I still need support after two years, but I am getting there.
Hope you get what you need, because that guy is a dead end.
No my narc was never physically abusive but every other detail of a Narc fits him in one degree or another. Called me names like rubber guts, told me my breath smelt like vomit, sexually insulted me, had sex with me while I cried, cheated, masturbated endlessly though didnt watch porn or read those mags, flirted on his phone, took ladies phone numbers, failed to ever notice any thing different about me ie new hair colour, never bought me chocolates or flowers, silent treatment,the list goes on.
I slowly went mad. Really mad.
Wanted to cut my hands off with a drop saw.
Eventually professional people came into my life but not one of them recognised that I was the suffering wreck of a narc.
It wasn’t until a homeless man offered me a book called Physopath Free, that I started to learn. It has taken me another four years of “learnjng” to see the truth in so many areas. Not just about him but myself. Where my weaknesses and strengths are.
And I am ready now to have NO CONTACT. If I even hear about him then I am having contact. Too close to his circle. I am day 13 but I have driven past his house. I then noted the implications of that act. The obsessions came back….who is he with, what is he saying about me, etc.
Mental note…don’t drive there. I am learning.
I am ever thankful for the infomation on the net. My saviour.
Wow. My “problem” was always that I “couldn’t keep my mouth shut”. Any time I was hurt, I had questions, I didn’t like something, I spoke up, I asked questions, and he didn’t like it. He picked fights, blamed for them, broke up with me and gave me a silent treatment for 1-6 weeks, sometimes just for a could of days and announced that he didn’t want to hear from me for 2 days, because I made him mad. Because of my mouth.
In the end, it was because of my mouth, I couldn’t control.
How could I not see it? I even believed him, started to think that all of this is my fault, maybe I should be more easy going, etc. I wish I found your website 2 years ago.
The website of co-dependents anonymous says it has a meeting in Glasgow.
Many thanks Millie for your link. I will look it up.xx
First time ive really heard that other people got the silent treatment. When I asked my narc what was wrong he would say ‘nothing’ but the silent treatment carried on. Does anyone on here know of a support group for partners of narcs that is based in Glasgow. I feel a great need to talk. This man ruined my life and my 2 childrens lives. I have to live with that. I am 64 now but was 15 yrs old when I met him and started dating when I was 16. Married at almost 20. 2yrs later first child 2 years after that 2nd child. Things went downhill rapidly after that. I feel I have nothing to offer anyone now. I did meet another narc 6 years ago before realising I had been married to one. It was the 2nd narc who brought me down. Did his best to delete any confidence I had. Although I know they are the ones with the problem it doesnt really help me to feel any better. Deep down I feel I am the one whohas the problem. Maybe feeling sorry for myself for not meeting the man I thought I had and spending the rest of our lives together. You could say that any traces of sparek have gone, if you know what I mean.xxx
Stone walling the silent treatment. Its meant to hurt put you in your place. My parents are experts at this. My Father is currently employing this. Yet again. I’ve had to develop huge cognitive dissonance as a child to cope. Which carried over to adult hood. This will have to be the last time. There is no going back.I won’t be wasting my time.
Mother died without a goodbye. Spiteful to the end. That bit where my family didn’t even bother to tell me when she had died nice touch guys. Faith in mankind fairly ruined very hard to carry on as normal. If that’s what the think of me then i have finally stopped pretending any thing can be fixed or will change.
I’m 7 weeks no contact after discovering my partner was never divorced as he claimed and in fact was still living with his wife who was due their second baby that week. He has the cheek to blame me for her getting pregnant!!! I haven’t heard anything from him. I guess I fall into the category of not a threat. I wouldn’t tell his wife because I couldn’t ruin their children’s lives. When I say devastated it’s only the tip of the iceberg as to how I felt feel. Everyone says put it behind me and I’m trying. But it’s a new me that I’ve to get know.
Most accurate message I’ve ever read about the “narcissist and his silent treatment”. Silent treatment is by far, the most brutal “punishment (as I always called it)” treatment I believe, one can do to someone. Not just any silent treatment, but the specific, intentional, “I’ll show you who’s in control” silent treatment that can often last for weeks or even months and leave you hanging and questioning your sanity like no other. Run. It doesn’t change. They don’t change and even when (noticed I said when not if) they come back, you better prepare yourself for the next time because it’s coming. I suggest packing up your wounds, taking part in some healing or therapy, and learning how to play his game. No contact – peace out, however you want to say it but create as much distance from that stuff as you can or it will drive you absolutely crazy. Been there, done that – won’t do it again. 🙂
Fishing2, thank you for posting. Just to say my silent treatment lasted weeks or months. His second wife left him abruptly while he was at work. But what Rattles me is that hehas been with his third partner for about 18 years. She was waiting in the wings it would seem. I do know she is earning a wage; brownie points. She didnt have kids to him brownie points and he is old now and wont be as confident about getting another partner but he cannot hit her as he will be arrested unlike the 70s when he did it to me. And I think she is a touch tart who perhaps rules the roost, I dont know but as someone remarked to me ‘she is able for him’. I really thought the world of him Deeply madly in love until the day came that I had had enough of his violence and silent treatment that I got an interim interdict and got him out of the house.xx
“People who have nothing to hide – hide nothing. People who are guilty will do everything within their power to make sure you never get to the truth.”
This process was my life for over a year. He started going to the gym more (classic SOMATIC NARC), and would go on times that weren’t his regular times. I noticed during the classes that we would attend together he was always in some “deep convo” with our mutual friend. More suspicions, more denials. I’d continue to ask, and he would get so upset about it; to the point that the blame shifting began – bizarre situations and accusations thrown in my face. So much that I would start to question my own sanity. It’s true when they start down this road, nothing is sacred – everything you may have shared in confidence will be thrown back and the character assassination of you begins. Everything they are doing, they’re blaming you for.
Guess what? I was right, all my gut reactions that I didn’t listen to for months all came true. I caught him with her, and he denied the extent of the relationship. He tried to do damage control, and agreed to meet me to discuss things after catching him…which he continued to lie more and more. I’m guessing it was to keep me silent, and not expose him to her and I also think in his demented mind that this “damage control” was to keep me compliant and keep things going with him after all of this. In his warped world his excuse for this was…”that it was only was 2 weeks, but I don’t love her.” Because I assume cheating for ONLY 2 weeks is easier to swallow than the actual truth. Wait for it. After I met with him, I met up with her and she stated they were almost a YEAR into the relationship – that he “proposed marriage, was completely in love with her, texted her all day/night, that they went away together a couple times.” I showed her evidence of his lies but she was already hooked…as she thinks she is “THE ONE.” Ya, honey…keep believing everything he says..because I was told the SAME THING. Suffice to say, after all of this and a few months later..they seem to be still holding strong. I actually have pity for her as her life will soon be a roller coaster of extreme highs and low (if it isn’t happening yet) – doubting everything he says, what he’s doing, where he is, who he’s with, and the constant state of anxiety is ALL HERS. I took myself out of the equation. NO contact..and complete indifference to him.
When your gut knows it, don’t do yourself injustice by not listening to it. I could have saved myself a good year of this yo-yo, waste of time/energy relationship…because ultimately, it was a sham to begin and end with. The constant webs of lies and deceit have no end to these individuals. So how is one to even have an honest and caring relationship with these disordered individuals? You can’t. The people they “care and love deeply” are their targets. If you plan to get involved and stay involved with them, say goodbye to your sanity, boundaries, and life. They will destroy you and move on like nothing happened. Did I get a sorry? Yes, but it was only AFTER being caught red handed did he actually say it. Believing he meant it is another thing, which I know he didn’t because after all of this..I know I’m the one he blames. It will always be a blame-game with him. If it’s not me, it will be his mother, his father, his brother, his sister, or his friend, or his dog, and sooner than later, it will be this new person…but it will NEVER be him. EVER.
It’s hard to trust every word. Keep your eyes open, trust your intuition, words are weak but behavior is strong. – Sylvester McNutt
A dead on hit! I knew all this already but it’s good to get a reinforcement as I still slip in a maybe… if only… thoughts 8 months after all was said and done!
I still have issues with not getting a closure but I hope at some point I will sort this feeling out.
Layla, I too will remember for the rest of my life the cold cruel vicious look I got after cornering the covert introvert narcissist. They were the eyes of a dark, rotten, hateful soul that for 20 years were so carefully hidden away from me.
Yes, it still hurts. Yes, it’s hard to defend accusations that it was all and only my fault that he had to expose himself and turn into this ugly, greedy, and vicious person I didn’t know.
I sometimes feel like I know two persons by exactly the same names and physical looks.
At the times we were going through the legal separation procedures I didn’t have a hard proof that he was already working on his new supply but I did suspect it from his weird and erratic behaviour. Once I learned who she was and the time frame they started seeing each other I completely understood his attitude of purposefully stalling and delaying the legal process so he could make sure that she is “better” than I. Then, I precisely know when he made a decision to discard me like and old, used and ugly dish rug and focused on his new “toy.”
God dang I feel all of this so much, it’s been the most damaging thing a person has ever done to me. I know I was just a toy like you said. All the promises, love bombing and lies. I feel so used and stupid I know I shouldn’t but it still hurts so much it’s hard to breathe most days and it’s been a year. Hope you’ll see this and drop an update on how things are nowadays. Thanks for sharing it helped me tonight
Hi Savannah. This is such a powerful post, and in an all out psychological, mental, emotional warfare with my narcissistic husband. He became emotionally involved with a woman, 17 years younger, while attending a meeting late November. He then told me, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a 2 week cruise, that he was going to take her as a mistress, she was the love of his life and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and I had no say. He first proceeded to tell me he was going to drag this out for six months before deciding he wanted a separation. Where I live a separation is a division of assets; it would be easier to simply file for a divorce. I was stuck with him for 9 more days in a foreign country. My world has been turned completely upside down. Before returning to the States I had a lawyer and a therapist secured. He had no intentions of filing for divorce, so I did what was best for me and had him served the night before he ran off to be with his mistress. His behavior is driving this divorce; he’s here every two weeks then with her the remaining two and she doesn’t even live in the US, so he’s wracking up significant debt. When he returns I set up more boundaries (I finally got him out of the house after 2 1/2 months!) and he doesn’t like my silence and will react by spending more money. Rules don’t apply to him, he does what he wants. He continues to manipulate, be disrespectful of me and my privacy. Everything you have written is what he does and continues to do (and I have read everything here!). He is lying to his family and friends, and is so far out in Fantasyland I don’t know this man. I wonder if my 13 yr marriage (17 yr friendship) was anything; he discarded me as fast as he could claiming he was done with me 3 years ago (gaslighting to justify his own behavior). I have gone no contact since his recent return and he is an angry person. My friends know this is exhausting me, but I continue to do everything right and focus on myself. I’m a writer and I have already begun using my creative license to write this story (there is so much!) which is also good therapy. I’m trying to get the hell out as fast as I can, but the divorce process is going slow-but it’s being done right and I remind myself of this. In the meantime, I continue to stand my ground, but there are days it’s ridiculously hard. These posts help immensely. Thank you for being a voice to explain this personality disorder.
i feel that you wrote this just for me, and maybe you did, after all our long talks. I think it just gets to a point where its just too much work for him to try to hoover back- too much has been exposed- too many people in his old life know about him- too much honest work would have to be done- so it;s just easier to give up and move on. I do believe that he is mildly interested in coming back but it would just be too much work. So what do you do to your wife of 36 years – to the person who loved you and cared for you almost your whole life- you treat her like she’s invisible. If you don’t face her, then it didn’t happen.
I shut down sometimes out of shock and damage control thinking maybe everyone needs to calm down and breathe before it just keeps getting worse. This has been interpreted by some as an aggressive freeze out on my part. Am I mad? Yes.
Meanwhile, I sit here with never been out on a date with the guy, never hugged, never kissed and at least he was upfront in the first week.of texting. No. I am not his FWB either. God only knows if he is a narcissistic person or just to lazy to follow through.
Great reminder to stay No contact. It is hard, but I love reading your post to keep me sane! This is exactly how I was treated and every few months he tries to contact me…….
Savannah, all of your posts hit home with me, but this one did in particular. It brought back memories of the psychological torture I suffered with this monster. To know that it was all intentional and that he actually enjoyed it is sickening. I truly believe he is evil. You have helped bring so much clarity to what I spent so much time trying to figure out. I just had to accept that he would never change, just as I did with my father 30 years ago. Although it has been nearly three years since I kicked him out for the last time, I still remember very clearly the silent treatment after I found out he lied to me and probably cheated the first time. I also remember the cold intensity in his eyes when he lashed out at me in viscous anger when I dared to mildly criticize him for barely lifting a finger to help me do anything. In retrospect, I knew something was off. Those eyes were crazy eyes, windows to a black heart and empty soul. The silent treatment was calculated and nearly drove me to a nervous breakdown at one point and you’re right, I learned to eat my feelings and shut my mouth. I finally had enough after the last disappearing act and told him not to come back except to get his shit which I put outside. Three strikes you’re out. Done. Forever. Your loss sociopathic lying loser.
what if he does admit his wrongdoing? But then continues to do it – then tries to get you back? This is after 22 years of marriage two kids and his two year affair with a woman out of state…an ex high school gf who found him on fb
Mary that’s just looking for a way back in. It doesn’t mean anything. Actions speak louder than words and I think you already know the answer to your own question.
Oh my goodness, this is my life right now. I feel like you are speaking directly to me and these were words I so needed to hear! I have a 35 year history with my narcissist and one 20 year old son. We have been divorced for 8 years but his significant other just passed away suddenly. I happen to work at the hospital where she died and knew her time of death. HE TEXTED ME 18 MINUTES AFTER SHE DIED!!!! That is how badly this man needs to have a woman in his life! I felt sorry for him and thought I would give him some support during his time of grief. WRONG MOVE…..he love-bombed me and I fell for it, although always holding back some of myself out of caution. In three months time he fleeced me for several thousand dollars and very recently I am pretty sure he was entertaining another woman. That’s why I left him in the first place! Anyway, I ended our “relationship” and it is rough, but not nearly as difficult as the first time. I told him that I got over him once and I know I can do it again.
This is happening to me now. I lived with him in my early 20’s. I was so in love. He changed and was very abusive. Left me pregnant. Lost baby. Returned and said he was sorry. I went back. Eventually he got someone else pregnant, that he never ever would think of being with, until the DNA tests and then it was that he was during a break up of ours. He went into the army. he ghosted his family that I have always been in contact with. He never was until this past year. He retired from the army moved back with his wife of 15 years and two kids to where she was from because she wall ill. She died. His mom asked me to talk to him (they reunited because of me) he wasn’t showering. He wasn’t going to work. 45 days out of his job. Basically drinking and in bed. I didn’t understand that he was a narc because I was so young. Everyone told me how he had changed. Grew up. I talked to him. It was 3 months after his wife died that I talked to him. He talked to me for hours and cried and cried. I had lost my younger brother and he was 43. Pretty soon he was in love with me. Everything I ever wanted to hear. Told me to ask any question about the past. I told him it was too soon for him. he told me all about how his wife cheated and how everyone grieves differently. Pretty soon I was buying into all of it. Got him showering. Back to work. Then he started being mean. Blowing me off. Weird. Wouldn’t tell me why. Wouldn’t say he didn’t want me either. There is an administrative assistant that is single without kids where he works that paid him a ton of attention. I found emails. It was definitely all her in those. I confronted him he said she was a nice old lady that felt sorry for him because his wife died. I went to his house and pulled in as a woman in a Mazda was pulling out. Said it was his sister-in-law. Figured out it was the admin lady, who was not old or a sister-in-law. As soon as I figured it out he refused to talk to me and refused to admit it. he wasn’t seeing anyone. He wouldn’t answer his phone and canceled any plans to talk. he would make them again and cancel. I was devastated. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I mean he offered me a car, money blah blah… all I refused. he said he just wanted to take care of me because he was an ass before. he loved me. paid attention to me. talked to me or texted constantly before he went back to work. I thought I was losing my mind. It was my turn for a happy ending with someone I loved. he told me it was fate and about 80 reasons pointing to fate. I told him I didn’t believe in fate and he said he didn’t either, but how could you explain this. Anyway, somehow they are together and the happiest couple spreading all these lies about me. he is saying I am just not the same person since my brother died and I need help. I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I started looking up stuff. I had no idea about narcs and what they were capable of. I thought that they were all about themselves, but he fits everything. I started throwing up all the time and going to the bathroom. Not eating. I am a wreck. I am lost. I am nothing. He did this on purpose? He knew what he was doing? oh, and he has like 5 kids out there I heard. everyone in his wife’s family kiss his ass so they can see the kids. he turned so mean to me it was like two different people. I know I should run. I know it’s bad karma to do anything. but I would love to lure him back to crush his heart. There is so much more to the story. me telling him I can’t afford to get hurt again all sorts of stuff. Some people believe I am crazy, because I made myself look that way for a minute. Some people know why I was so upset and know I am not crazy. Why do I care? I mean he is shit and to be honest she knew we were together and didn’t care either. Yep, they deserve each other. I get that. Why do I want to hear from him? what the heck is wrong with me? he acts like I never existed and he did even try to tell me that we weren’t in a relationship. I started reading off texts and then he said, ok we were. I was just beyond shocked that he was talking about marriage and then we were never were together? people like this really exist? How the hell was he married for 15 years? I am just floored, crushed, confused, sad, devastated. I only wanted to help. I had no intention of any of this. he was something at 20, but he really lies a lot now. Oh, he went from drinking sometimes to drinking 2/5 a day. told me he didn’t smoke. lie. why lie? this is bananas. I need help because this just crushed me. My brother died and he was my best friend. I was an oncology nurse and took care of him. I have been so lost and then this guy comes back and feeds me all this. he remembered every single detail about us living together. the funny thing was that I remember it as a nightmare. he remembers it differently, like only good things that I had forgotten existed. So I was touched by that. I am being ghosted and everyone thinks he is with his perfect woman. His poor dead wife hasn’t even been gone 6 months.
Bravo, Savannah, once again spot on. Teasing, I observe one day that his staff were enamored of him, that he was the pied piper, robin hood or perhaps Peter Pan leading his band of merry… He suddenly had to go, “we’ll talk soon!” And, I went from speaking to him everyday, sometimes multiple times a day and being “one of my closest friends” to silence. I didn’t realize at first. I left a message inviting him to meet me for happy hour – no response. I sent a pic from the event – no response. Days, weeks, a month went by, silence. Finally, I drove by his business… Wondering if maybe there had been a death in the family. He spotted me on one of the security cameras and called me, “it has been a long time,” he said. And, that was the extent of the explanation. He saw me the next weekend – did me a favor lending some equipment to a local community group. And, it was clear to me he expected me to be as warm and loving as ever even though this was the first time I ‘d seen him in two months. I was so disoriented that I didn’t even understand that until much later. I had never encounters anyone so confusing before.
Thank you for this post Savannah well said this is for the women who have been in a relationship with a narcissist or those who are still trying to change their narcissist men.
Believe me these men will never change ladies lets get out and find our worth to never settle for less.I was involved this guy for one year and six months all this time he was cheating.when i found out the truth i asked him and he refused and said i was crazy i just blocked him it was painful but i had to do it for my own sanity.Now a year later he is back and wants to reconcile but i stood my ground and told him no that is what we ladies should do when we are treated like options and you know what that man will continue because his ego was bruised.