Imagine that you were in a relationship with someone you didn’t love. Imagine that you found this person to be flawed, worthless and just not good enough for you. Now imagine that you couldn’t leave the relationship. You were stuck in it. What kind of relationship would that be? How would it affect your thoughts, your behavior and your everyday life?
For many of us that grew up in shame based homes, where the message we constantly received was, you’re not good enough, the relationship that we’ve come to have with ourselves is based exactly on that message. When you believe that you’re not good enough, you feel incredibly uncomfortable in your own skin and the most comfortable spending time with people who encourage that discomfort.
I could draw up thousands of stories from my childhood that exemplify these feelings in action, for instance there was this time in grade 7, where I wrote the best speech for speech arts and I was in the finals. I’ve always been pretty outgoing and I had the better speech, but I didn’t win – why? Because I sabotaged myself. Subconsciously, those familiar feelings of not being good enough surfaced and while up there, in front of everyone, my body started to sway back and forth. One could say I was nervous, but I wasn’t. I really couldn’t explain why I did it, except to say it was my belief manifesting itself in my unconscious behavior.
In all competitions, sports, music, you name it, I was usually second or third, but never first. Somewhere in the back of my mind I believed that I didn’t deserve to be first, even when the competition was based on tasks where I had more natural ability than others.
“If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you’d like to win, but think you can’t,
It’s almost certain that you won’t.
If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost.
For out in the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow’s will. It’s all in his state of mind.
If you think you’re outclassed, you are:
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before you’ll ever win the prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go to the stronger or faster man.
But sooner or later the man who wins is the man who thinks he can. “
-Napoleon Hill, Success Through A Positive Mental Attitude
When you carry around that message that you don’t believe that you’re enough, you will create obstacles for yourself far greater than any life could ever create for you. I often wonder how much simpler life would have been for me if I didn’t carry around that burden. I often looked at successful people and wondered what they had that I didn’t. I often found myself being critical of others because I could see their flaws, yet they were still allowed to be successful and it baffled me.
I had been brought up in an environment where it wasn’t okay to make mistakes and not be perfect. It wasn’t okay to just be a kid and learn as I went. I was criticized and shamed for everything and the prevailing message I got from my mother was always –you’re not good enough.
I remember sitting in the front seat of our car when I was 15. My father and I had just picked up my mother, she was in the back seat and my father had stopped for gas. He went in to pay and a man in his 20’s walked passed the front of our car and smiled and waved at me. My mother said sarcastically, “Do you think he’s waving at you?” I looked around, there was no one else he could have been waving at, except my mother, who was in her 50’s at the time. To this day, I’m not sure if she was alluding to the fact that she thought he was waving at her, or that putting me down had just become second nature to her. I tend to think the latter, as her missile struck home and her message seemed very clear – why would anyone find you attractive. You’re not good enough to get attention from men.
When that is the covenant you’ve been taught to live by, it’s no wonder that when you enter into adult relationships you’re already lost. You enter from a place of weakness, desperate and longing for love that you’ve never received. You’re ripe for targetization by an emotional manipulator, because your radar is so off kilter and your ability to see reality as reality is non-existent.
In Dance of the Wounded Soul, author Robert Burney tells us that, “Toxic shame is the belief that there is something inherently wrong with who we are, with our being. Guilt is, “I made a mistake, I did something wrong.” Toxic shame is, “I am a mistake. There is something wrong with me.”
In previous blogs I’ve written about self-worth and I’ve explained that being good enough is our divine birthright. We were all born good enough and that we don’t need anyone else’s permission or acceptance to be good enough. The toxic messages that we received from our parents were messages that they received from their parents, who got the same message from their parents. In essence it’s a disease that gets passed down until someone wakes up to it and heals the wound before passing it on any further.
As an adult the belief that one is good enough isn’t something that anyone can give you. It’s a realization that we need to awaken within us. It starts by becoming aware of the problem. When we are aware of it we can then watch it in action, in our thoughts and our behavior. Witnessing it like an unbiased spectator.
When we realize that the relationship that we’ve been having with ourselves is toxic, then we can also recognize that many of our relationships with other people are born of this same cloth and take on the same patterns and frequencies that we’ve become accustomed to. We can’t have a healthy relationship with anyone while we ourselves remain unhealthy.
Once we’ve gained awareness we have to start changing our internal messages. Being kind to ourselves is something very difficult for codependents to do. We’re so used to taking the blame for everything and that belief that we aren’t good enough is so deeply entrenched in our psyche, but we have to start the process by changing the message. When we’ve gained the awareness of what we’re doing, we have to always be mindful of just how we are processing the information that’s coming to us. When your partner starts to yell at you, say to yourself – What am I feeling?…Hurt, responsible…Why am I feeling this way?…I think everything is my fault…lets try to look at this from a different perspective…I don’t deserve to be yelled at…the blame doesn’t belong to me…there is nothing that I have done to deserve this kind of treatment….there is something wrong with someone who overreacts like this…not something wrong with me…if I made a mistake so what…I’m allowed to make mistakes and not be yelled at.
Keep being mindful of what you let in and how you interpret the data coming at you.
Look at those individuals around you that are successful and notice that they aren’t perfect and realize that you don’t have to be perfect to try anything, do anything or be anything. Recently, I watched a commercial for plus size lingerie. A voluptuous model came prancing by in nothing but a bra and panties. She was far from the tiny standard of beauty society tells us to desire, but I couldn’t help but watch her and think she was the sexiest woman I had ever seen. What made her sexy was her own belief that she was sexy and it showed in the way she moved and carried herself. Suddenly her non-conforming size wasn’t an issue, because she didn’t let it stop her. So give yourself permission to do the things you’ve always felt that you would die of shame from. You’d be surprised at just how liberating this exercise can be.
The way we’ve always processed information in the past…”What does he mean by that? Is this my fault? is he putting me down? Does he think she’s better than me?… has to change. We have to train this little detective to look at clues differently. Rather than looking for reasons that everything is our fault and that we aren’t good enough, your inner detective needs to start viewing situations with a discerning eye, focused on the unbiased truth. It should be asking, “Why am I feeling this way? Where is this coming from? Are my reactions reasonable? Are other people’s reactions reasonable? Does this make me feel good? Am I being treated with respect? Does this feel right for me?”
Turn your discerning eye outward while always being mindful of how you interpret your environment and keep an awareness that you have been taught to make incorrect judgements about yourself. It may seem like a tall task, but with practice you will be able to distinguish reality from the fiction you’ve been led to believe.
Your Comments!!!!!!!
I’d like to dedicate today’s blog to Dr. Wayne Dyer who passed away on August 30th. He was one of the brightest lights in my time of darkness. R.I,P dear man.
Images courtesy of adamr at freedigitalphotos.net
Have you ever met someone who really wasn’t that great of a person, but you could somehow just tell that they were really loved and cherished as a child by their parents/caregivers? You might notice that they are confident and have a good level of self-respect and self-care.
Self-care is what many of us co-dependents and victims of narcissists are known to have problems with, especially women (from what I understand). By self-care, I mean poor diets, not exercising, drinking or eating too much, not having the best grooming habits in some cases, and the most toxic: negative self-talk. We do this and are unkind to ourselves because we deeply believe that something is our fault and that we don’t deserve good things.
We have to get past that hump that what happened to us as children is NOT OUR FAULT. We have to accept that what our Narc partners said and did to us in our adult lives is NOT OUR FAULT.
It took me a very long time to understand this, and how this played a part in my own self-care issues. For many years I didn’t realize that I was punishing myself.
This came about when I asked a friend how is it that the people who I’ve met that have had much greater hardships and trauma in their lives are amazing with self care and aren’t hot messes. Case in point: One long-term friend of mine tragically lost both of her parents in a car accident when she was just a teenager. I cannot imagine being that young and alone or how hard that was. Today, this friend is in ridiculously good shape and is extremely successful, she can exercise for hours at a time.
She’s had something THAT terrible happen to her, but she is so good to herself? Self-loathing me just did not understand.
“Because she knows it wasn’t her fault,” is what my other friend says.
That is the key. It’s not your fault. You have to KNOW and believe that it is NOT your fault!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and advice. I recently had an emotional breakdown. I was so, so devastated at the ‘thought’ of this guy I’ve been seeing for about a year was no longer interested. We usually speak several times a day and when he didn’t call me for 2 days, I was convinced and devastated that he was not interested in me anymore and moved on to someone else. I’m talking severe,ridiculous crying. I called my sister, who is a pastor and asked her to pray with me. I was totally losing it and I needed her to help me. The thing is….I know if he did actually walk away from me, I’m not losing anything. I’m not looking to get anything from him, but if I were, he has nothing. Financially and emotionally…he has nothing to give. He has 2 children from 2 different women who he has to deal with and pay child support. I’m always struggle to fit in somewhere on his schedule. He has nothing and his time is limited too. We both travel for work so we don’t see each other as often as a ‘normal’ couple in a relationship would. But I’m so loyal all I do is focus on him. WELL…. that’s what I was thinking. But I finally realized, I’m acodependent with abandonment issues.
And being that my last relationship with my NARCISSISTIC ex husband for 15 years has basically destroyed my self esteem.
I am in the process of self healing. My inner child is quick to throw a tantrum as soon as she feels forgotten. It’s an ongoing struggle that is mentally and emotionally exhausting.
What a truly brilliant article – and something that I could relate to entirely. My childhood, and that of my siblings was all about us being not worthy of love or affection.
It has taken me a while to recognise the correlation between my belief about myself and my inability to attract a man that isn’t toxic.
Thank you for the articles you share – not only are they informative and helpful, but I realise I am not alone in the quest for total self acceptance
Always good info! Thank you! ☺
Right on again. Thanks
Savannah –
I really like your approach in this post. There is a lot of material out there on how we relate to ourselves. But much of it repeats the same standard phrases over and over, be good to yourself etc. The focus on mindfulness — on really training your attention on what I say to myself, how I treat myself; paying attention to the tiniest thoughts and impulses — that is what really helps me.
Simple case in point: lying in bed at 5 AM very tired, knowing this is when I usually get up to go to the gym. But also knowing I was up later than usual due to spending time with someone close to me who needed a friend last night. I heard the little voice saying “hey get up, don’t be lazy, no excuses” etc. : the marine corps drill instructor in my head. Noticing this I was able to say “no, I was up late last night, I’m emotionally drained due to the energy required to empathize with another person — I need s little more rest.”
So the extra sleep I got was a little victory, a little step forward in building a better relationship with myself. And it started with just paying attention to how I talk to myself. Thanks for the guidance and the positive energy!
Hutton’ Cowboy
PS: went to gym later. That’s self care too.
Another good, resonating article. Thank you.
I too, have grown so much from the teachings of Dr. Dyer. His story in itself is an inspiration, and he will be sadly missed by many.
I join you in grieving loss and in celebrating his life and works. Great man.
Blessings.
Brilliant post Savannah as always.
I definitely attracted toxic/unhealthy people due to not feeling good enough and a need to be validated but as you said to me Savannah we were born good enough and we just need to reach out and take it and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. 🙂
I went to a discussion group last night and the subject was ‘ what is success’ and I realised that by other peoples standards I am an incredible success but not to myself. Where did this message come from, what led me then into a relationship with a narcissist for 17 years who took away what was left of my self esteem. The answer – me- because I was used to always being on the back foot, comfortable with drama, as you say with people who encourage my discomfort. What made me , in other peoples eyes an over achiever – because I was always trying to be that little bit better than the flawed person I believed I was. Your article is humbling reading and I hope I can use the awareness gained to change the way I feel about myself !
Thank you for posting. I feel that you are next to me on a very difficult path. I am grateful.
I had no idea Dr. Dyer passed away until reading the end of your blog! I am so saddened by his death. He has been a great inspiration for me and will continue to do so even in his death. Rest in peace Dr. Dyer.
This post is spot on. It’s also so said to hear of Dr. Dyer’s death. His books have helped me a lot. Your posts also help a lot and beat any counseling session I’ve ever attended. I have learned over the years that your relationship with yourself is extremely important. I’ve also learned that it is so difficult to turn off the messages that stay with you for life. I agree with you that mindfulness helps and may very well be the only thing that does help. As I lapsed into my fifteen year with a narcissist, I finally asked myself, “What are you doing in this highly dysfunctional relationship with someone you don’t even respect?” That’s when I found the much needed self respect to pull the plug and end the relationship. Even today, three years later, I still fight the messages that I am not good enough for a new and healthy relationship. Thanks for the reminder that I’m worthy.
Your article could not have come at a better moment in my life. I broke up with a friend that I held dear but who is a NARC. The blowback is devastating. It feels like I am picking up the pieces of my former self. Your articles are a Godsend. Thank you. I am healing. It is a process. What matters mostly now is my relationship with myself. Thank you!
I often felt that I attracted what I was to me in relationships. I attracted broken men because I was a broken woman. I was teased a lot as a kid because I wasn’t pretty by society’s standards. I was insecure and needed attention. In my last relationship, I was needy and desperate. My ex said and did all the right things. There were warning bells. He was an alcoholic, living with his parent and not working. He had 4 kids that he was not financially taking care of. I thought he just needed me to save him. I put so much work into saving him that I lost myself. I became irrational, desperate and jealous. He was good to everyone else but hard on me. I would have put up with it until he got physical and I ended up in the hospital. We have a child together so no contact is hard. I do have my boundaries. I only deal with him when it’s visitation time. At one time I thought I would never get over him. He cheated on me with his step cousin. The bum that no one wanted became attractive again after I cleaned him up. She is now taking care of him and he moved 2 hours away from his kids to be and live off her. I worked on me, lost weight, new career. I try to control my thoughts. I am alone a lot. I thought by now I would be in a new relationship like he has. I know my worth so I don’t go for the low hanging fruit anymore. I wonder if I am too isolated now for fear I will get it wrong again with friend choices and relationships.
So grateful to you for this blog today Savsnnah. It mirrors so much of what I have been carrying around in my soul my entire life. Thank you
I love this Savannah and I had never thought of the analogy of the relationship with yourself so bingo it clicked!
I feel for you everytime you mention your mother as she comes from the same cast as mine and for that reason I have nothing more to do with her. It has taken 47 yrs to get to this point and yes I do think there is something missing in me or my life but I’d rather that than live on the knife edge I had to with her. keep writing Savannah you are so gifted x
Mindfulness
Thank you Savannah for your wisdom