Think of a Narcissist like a hoarder. In the same way that a hoarder finds comfort collecting objects a Narcissist gains comfort collecting people. They don’t trouble themselves with mundane things, like right or wrong, or other people’s feelings. To him, people are objects. To a Narcissist you are either Narcissistic Supply, Potential Supply or you’re nothing.
A Narcissist requires excessive amounts of attention and admiration. Consequently, he accumulates an assortment of people (Narcissistic Supply) he can turn to whenever he has a need for them. These people, also called the Narcissistic harem, mainly consist of ex-girlfriends, potential girlfriends and women who wish to be his girlfriend. The harem can also be comprised of co-workers, family and friends, basically anyone, who the Narcissist deems a good audience for his wit and who will willingly boost up his self-esteem and sense of superiority, by putting him up on a pedestal – anybody, he can turn to for attention, sex, money, or anything he may need. A happy Narcissist is one who has many options.
A couple of years ago I briefly dated, ‘guy with a harem.’ Guy with a harem explained to me that most of his friends were women. I didn’t find that odd at first…until I noticed that more than eighty percent of the people on his Facebook were women ‘friends.’
I was the fresh meat, getting the lion’s share of his attention and what I sensed right off the bat was that these women were very territorial. Since I was shiny and new, I garnered most of his time and affection and this didn’t sit too well with the other women in his life, who had been relegated to the end of the line.
Let’s be honest, a jealous woman can be incredibly devious and catty and guy with a harem, needing to be constantly reassured, would run to these ‘friends,’ and since they wanted me out of the picture their advice was always unflattering and self-serving.
I felt at times like I was being investigated. I had three or four of them send me friend requests on Facebook, looking to snoop into my life, hoping to dig up some kind of dirt. My appearance, my behavior was constantly under scrutiny by the harem and I had to eventually hit the pavement, because it felt like I was dating him and every other woman he had ever been involved with.
When you are with someone that seems to have a lot of previous relationships that just never seem to end, that’s a red flag. His actions at best are showing you that he has a massive fear of commitment and that he can’t make up his mind whether to stay or go. At worst it shows a user mentality and someone that likes to keep his options open.
I know we all want to be the winner, where all other women have failed, but the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. So if you honestly think you are going beat the odds – think again.
I’m not saying men and women can’t be ‘just’ friends, but that distinction happens only when both parties have absolutely no interest in being together. Narcissists are very cunning. With their charm they can usually swoop any woman off their feet, but their specialty lies in their ability to keep women hanging on.
They choose their harem members wisely. Sussing out those that are overly giving, that rationalize and make excuses for other people’s bad behavior and those that the Narcissist has successfully managed down their expectations, so that they treat every little nugget of attention like a lottery winning.
I recall speaking to a woman, who was involved with the very last Narcissist I dated and she told me that after our Narcissist had hurt her again and again, by constantly blowing hot and cold and making it quite clear that he was never going to give her the relationship that she wanted, she had actually offered to be ‘friends with benefits,’ and even went so far as to tell him that, no guy would ever match up to him. This, after he repeatedly treated her like gum on the bottom of his shoe.
She was so ready and willing to sell herself short, just to have a piece of him – any piece. It’s almost like the Narcissist casts a spell on his victims, by emotionally extracting away their power, so they feel weak and helpless without him.
This woman even knew that he was dating other women and was willing at all costs to still have him in her life. Somewhere in the back of our minds, in some crazy rationale we tell ourselves things like, “oh he’ll date someone else and then realize how much better he had it with me and he’ll come back.” That might be true in the short term, but by showing him that you’ll put up with him dating other women, he’ll do just that and then come back when that doesn’t work out and then leave again….and all the while you are on an emotional rollercoaster never knowing where you stand or when he’s coming or going.
Harem members may or may not know about each other. They usually don’t. It often comes as a great surprise to most women that the man they’ve been obsessing over, has actually been bouncing around from woman to woman. Narcissists like secrecy, because if his harem members ever compared notes, the web of lies that they’ve been weaving would come crashing down and he would lose his stash of supply.
The general Narcissistic cycle goes something like this – Narcissist finds new meat, lavishes her with attention and moves really fast – he keeps former girlfriends on ice by feeding them hope and nuggets of attention and affection – the new meat loses her shine and she gets relegated to the harem – he may bounce back to an old harem member in the interim while he looks for someone new and on and on it goes.
The women he meets could be beautiful, have a great job, good friends and money in the bank. It doesn’t matter. It’s never about her and it will always turn out the same way. For the Narcissist knows that it’s just a matter of time before he will make his hasty retreat. A Narcissist is like a drug addict, always looking for his next fix. He builds up a tolerance to people and the Narcissistic supply that he extracts from them.
Hoarders are afraid to throw anything away in case they have a use for it somewhere down the road. Narcissists, in the same way don’t like to throw away the people they’ve collected. Both are pathological, unhealthy and dysfunctional. A Narcissist will offer up friendship after he has screwed you around for the 100th time, but what he’s really offering is a membership to his harem. He will throw you crumbs of affection and he will spin tales, hinting of a possible future together. This membership allows him to pop in and out of your life, mess with your head and keep tabs on you, while at the same time it keeps you stuck and fixated on him. Membership does have it’s privileges, but the privilege is all his.
So do yourself a favour – if you find that you are being offered the friend card, read the small print and respectfully decline and tell him that you’ve decided to get a membership elsewhere.
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This article explains exactly what I just went through. I started working at a restaurant back in January of 2021 and that is where I met my narcissist. I had always found him to be physically attractive from the moment I first saw him (which was before I started working there), so the infatuation was pretty much present right away. However, I was talking to someone at the time and I quickly learned that he was engaged, so anything remotely resembling flirting was off the table. The first few months of me working there we didn’t interact too much, but once I got more comfortable we entered a sort of friendship. We had a lot in common, such as music tastes, enjoying video games, being nerdy, and having a bad relationship with certain family members.
By around April/May, I considered him to be a friend. We would drink together at work or after work for a little bit, eat lunch together, laugh, and talk about life. There were certain instances where things seemed flirtacious between us, but again, I was seeing someone. I would say we didn’t begin to get super close until the end of May, and that is when he began to truly work his magic. He revealed to him that he did not want to get married, that his fiance asked him to marry her and he didn’t say no because of the situation it would put him in, how she was constantly abusive towards him. He did everything in his power to make her happy and all she did was treat him like shit and verbally abuse him, he even said she tried to hit him a few times. I began to sympathize with him, to offer him comfort, to tell him how wonderful he was and that he deserved to be treated with love and respect.
We started to talk more, he began flirting just a little more, and then the person I had been talking to decided they no longer wanted to be with me. This was when he sank his teeth in. He was of course there for me, offering comfort and support. He turned up the flirtations, made me feel desired and wanted, started being overtly sexual in text messages. About two weeks later is when we first slept together. Two days after his fiance sent me a picture of her in the wedding dress she had picked out and I had an anxiety attack. I felt horrible.
But he assured me I shouldn’t feel guilty. She wasn’t a good person, she treated him horribly, he didn’t feel guilty about it. So I continued to let it happen. There was no indication he was going to leave her. in fact, it seemed like he still wanted me to be friends with both of them. I should have seen all of this as red flags at the time but I was so infatuated that I didn’t take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
She eventually found out and left him. He then told me him and I would be spending a lot more time together now, but that he wasn’t ready to date. I was fine with that. For four months we were friends with benefits. Hanging out all the time, having sex, I was meeting his friends and family. But she was always there, always in the background (I know now that he was using the triangulation method with the two of us). It got to a point where I couldn’t deal with where our relationship was at and I told him either it needed to move towards us dating or I would no longer be able to be friends with him until I got over my feelings for him.
He claimed to have the same feelings towards me, said he made future plans with me because he saw me as being part of his future. He wanted to work towards a relationship and would not be talking or flirting with any other women. But then he seemed totally uninterested in me. I was the one constantly reaching out first, always texting, feeling confused. It went on this way for about three weeks (I found out later that during this time he was talking to another girl every day. Video chatting with her, talking sexually to her, basically leading her on while still leading me on). But without that knowledge, once he decided to start hanging out with me and having sex with me again I was elated. On Halloween night he asked me to be his girlfriend and also told me he loved me and had loved me for a long time. I cried, I was elated. I had waited for four months for this to happen and finally, I got what I wanted. Things were going to be amazing!
I met his family in November, we started spending every single night together. He constantly told me he loved me, we bought concert tickets and booked vacations 6 months in advance. We talked about a future together. However, I had this nagging feeling constantly in the back of my mind. He never changed his relationship status on facebook from “single” to “in a relationship”. His ex was still messaging him, posting stuff on social media about him, getting upset whenever she saw any indication of him and I being together. He claimed she was this horrible person and did nothing but shit talk her but maintained contact with her and always had an excuse for it. But the excuses made sense so, again, I let it slide. He would tell me he never wanted to let me go, cry when he hurt me and I indicated I was going to leave, constantly gaslight me and make me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing or being too emotional.
I tried to give it time, but after nearly 3 months of us dating, he still would never post pictures of me. Not on any of his social media. To everyone aside from his close friends and family, he was single. His mom even warned me about him, said I should take things slow and be careful. It wasn’t until his ex posted a status on her Facebook, nearly 7 months after their split, that I knew something had to be going on. The nature of her status made no sense (and he claimed to not understand why she was posting things like that). He let me use his phone to order food and I took the opportunity to check his Snapchat conversations with her. I found a nude picture saved in the conversation of her and I just snapped. I threw his phone at him, yelled, and started to bawl my eyes out.
He claimed he did nothing wrong and then the gaslighting began. “You think that lowly of me?” “Oh, so I’m just a huge piece of shit” “why were you going through my phone in the first place?” “I think we need space.” I tried to talk things out with him and he was not interested. Wouldn’t apologize. Started to call me crazy and say that I was harassing him. And that’s when I began to see. Something clicked. He was doing to me exactly what he had done to her. This was not the person I had fallen in love with.
So I broke up with him. Got my things and told him I never wanted to see or talk to him again (a week after I broke up with him they got back together. Though it’s not official anywhere-I saw her car outside of his house and she posted a picture of them together on her Instagram). I now have him blocked everywhere, phone number deleted, have gone no contact. It’s been three weeks and it’s been hard but after doing all of the research and reading other people’s testimonies I know that it wasn’t my fault. I did nothing wrong. And it is far better to not have this person in my life.
Sometimes I wish he would still reach out, that he would at least apologize. But I know in his eyes he did nothing wrong. I know he never loved me, cared about me, or even liked me. I was just someone he used to make himself feel good, and once he learned that he could no longer control me he went back to someone who he knew would let him walk all over her and would still worship the ground he walks on. I truly do feel bad for her, because he isn’t ever going to love her. He’ll cheat on her again, maybe she will find out or maybe she won’t. It’s disgusting to think that people like this exist. I’m just thankful that I trusted my gut instincts and found out when I did, because who knows how long I would have stayed with him and how much more of myself I would have lost.
I was a sexually abused child and I believe that children are groomed in such situations. The narc who entered my life was similar. We dated for 5 years … I was 29 years old when we started. I was divorced and had a 10 year old daughter. He swept me off my feet with words, gifts, exotic trips and lifestyle.. We were married and I now believe it was simply to have an onsite housekeeper/homemaker which I excel at. He gradually destroyed everything in my life. He encouraged me to leave my career so we could travel and I DID. We spent winter months in a foreign country of his birth and set up a condo there which I worked to care for. I left my home and daughter (now grown) and toddled along behind him to become a foreign housewife and I DID. I know now there were always other women but it took me many, many years to realize this. He was a great LIAR AND CHEAT! I was a young woman with little experience in life and men. He took every advantage of that. He turned me away from my family to keep me tied to his needs. He was 10 years older than me and much more experienced. Nothing however lasted for long and perhaps this was because he tired of his other women and needed to move on. We lived in 11 different houses and each one I worked to make into a home. He was financially well off and I had nothing. When we married the first time, I was required to sign a prenuptual WHICH I DID. i had nothing but what I was given by him. 3 years after we married he took a woman away on a 6 week vacation using the excuse he was going to visit his family in his country of birth. I BELIEVED HIM … I discovered later he had paid for her entire trip. I divorced him. Now I had no job, very little money (he was able to hire the best lawyers and I got very little as a settlement.) I returned to work and then within a year HE CAME BACK AND I TOOK HIM BACK!) We married again and once more, I signed a prenuptual agreement! I believed him when he told me how much he cared for and missed me!!!!. Within 3 years, he was unhappy and suggesting we move again which was probably to separate me from my family …. I now had grandchildren. He hated that I could love or care for anyone other than him! This time I decided not to move with him. He didn’t move either …. that was just a hoax. I went to school to acquire another profession and moved out … I applied for a divorce. No sooner had I become settled in my new life with a home and a job …… back he came. For three years he wooed me and guess what I fell for it. WE MOVED IN TOGETHER TO LIVE COMMON LAW. I sold my home and set aside my family and grandchildren to once more meet his needs. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! How I wish there had been an internet then where I could have read the stories of others and perhaps realized that I was being controlled by a narcissist but I did not understand what was happening to me. Three years living common law and we went on a vacation to Cuba …. there he was busy with the chicas and I hardly saw him. When we had been apart, he had vacationed annually and this was his supply in the Cuban country. He had no intention of giving up these available sources. When we returned home, I told him to leave. He tried to convince me I was wrong about his prostitutes in Cuba but I knew better at last. When he left he stole belongings of mine, including clothes which no doubt were gifts for his prostitutes. To this day, (we live in the same city and I hear of his comings and goings), he continues to visit Cuba annually and I have been told he supplies his girls with money which they accept due to the poverty they live in …. this is prostitution payment!!!! I am now 75 years old and he is 85. He continues to life his disgusting life and will to the day he dies. My life has been nothing but struggle and even to this day, I continue to work at my late age to survive. HE COMPLETELY DESTROYED MY LIFE AND I LET HIM DO IT. From age 29 to age 60 it was back and forth and continued destruction of my life. One night there was a knock on my door (approximately 2 years after we finally split upt) and I realized it was him. I called 911 and the Police arrived … I have not seen him since. Why? Because he is a coward and an evil man from hell who never cared at all for me…..I was his slave, used to clean and care for his home and use when there was absolutely no one else. I was blind to all of this. As I say had I only had a site such as this one to read back in the early days, I would have realized what was happening. I had no idea and actually believed it was all my fault. I will die soon, because I am exhausted and burned out. I have no joy in my life and spend my time beating myself up for the insanity I allowed to happen. Living on little income and still working to eat. My heart is a stone, full of hate and unhappiness. PLEASE PUBLISH THIS AND LET OTHERS READ ABOUT THE HORRORS OF TAKING A NARCISSIST INTO THEIR LIVES. I LIVE IN BRANDON, MANITOBA CANADA. MY NAME IS Xxxxxxxx Xxxxx AND HIS NAME IS Xxxxxx Xxxxxx. IF ANYONE WISHES TO SPEAK TO ME, I WILL HAPPILY HELP THEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THEM IS THE ACT OF A HORRIFIC PREDATOR. I WILL DIE BEFORE HIM IN SPITE OF THE AGE DIFFERENCE AND WHEN I END UP IN HELL FOR MY STUPIDITY, I WILL BE WAITING TO SWING OPEN THE GATES AND INVITE HIM IN WHEN HIS TIME COMES. PERHAPS THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TREAT HIM TO A LIFE OF HELL SIMILAR TO THE ONE I HAVE LIVED BECAUSE OF HIM. THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO TELL MY STORY AS HORRIBLE AS IT IS. IF IT SAVES ONE PERSON IT WILL HAVE BEEN WORTH IT.
Hello please email me Im 30 and going through this now. That’s horrific what you went through.
All this rings so true for me. I was involved with one for 6 years. He was ‘separated ‘, when we met yet not really..as I learned later. He used his kids as an excuse to cancel dates at the last minute ‘ xxx broke his finger playing soccer’ ‘xxx is vomiting and I need to stay with him’ r he needed to go out of town for work..years later I found court admissible evidence that he was on vacation with another woman. She had posted photos on Instagram. He had FIVE other women on the go at the same time as me, carefully hiding all of us from each other. He was caught when a friend of a friend knew one of us and spilled the beans. He is a criminal lawyer so knows how to lie really well!
He is now living with a woman bit still cheating as he has always done.
I’ve been with my Narc ex for 3 yrs (on/off), we are in a long distance relationship. He would visit me once or twice a year. Then one time he flirted with my relative (I forgave him). The 2nd time around he didn’t tell me that he was here in my country already, he only msg me 3 days before his flight. Turns out he has other women on his list. I sorta forgave him but I am already keeping my options open. Then we parted ways for real – 7 mos after I found out he was engaged!! 2 mos after I found out that he was engaged, he greeted me Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday. Then his been messaging me once a week, I normally respond. He told me he doesn’t love the girl and it was an arranged marriage (he’s 46 yo Indian divorcee guy) and that he loves me more. He fooled me before so I know he is up to something, I told him that I work in a furlough so he would send me money (not big tho lol). Then one time he called and told me his plans for me – the big reveal!! He want’s me to be part of his harem. He will get married and he will visit me here in my country and impregnate me. He will just constantly visit me according to him. I told him to stop reading that BS (he read it from some books that men should have several women in his life). The writer has no morals. Then he blurted out that I don’t have morals myself coz I accepted money (I never ask money from him – he just wired it). He was testing my morals through money. To be honest I was actually fooling him for what he have done to me in the past, lol. My guy friend told me before that he is sending you money coz he is paying you for future sex, accept the money but never fall for it! He was right!! He got so mad at me that I didn’t budge in. Yes, I blocked him. He thinks that he was fooling me, but the truth is I was playing his game. I pity his fiance’. He is a cheater and will always be a cheater.
Dear Savannah, In the article, above, about the Narcissist and his harem, you compared the Narcissist to a Hoarder. You stated as follows:
“Hoarders are afraid to throw anything away in case they have a use for it somewhere down the road. Narcissists, in the same way don’t like to throw away the people they’ve collected. Both are pathological, unhealthy and dysfunctional. ”
I take Umbridge with that comment. I tend to be a “Pat Rat,” or hoarder, in that I save things I probably no longer have use for. I am working on that and getting better at letting things go. Many people are hoarders, in that they accumulate clutter. It is a common problem and there is a whole group of professional people who help others purge. I am working on learning how to let “things” go and not hang onto to stuff I no longer use. Mainly because I want my living space to be more comfortable.
But in no way do I consider myself to be pathological, unhealthy or dysfunctional. I certainly do not think it is a good comparison to a Narcissist. The Narcissist discards people. In contrast, the hoarder hangs onto “things” after their use has expired.
I would never treat a person or animal as the narcissist does.
I recommend that you re evaluate that comment and, moving forward, be a little more careful about making invalid comparisons and publishing same.
Exactly what I needed well-articulated and perfectly understood thank you for the Insight I appreciate you for letting me out of the prison that I was in of blaming myself for not being good enough
A decade long affair with a Narcissist left me depressed, anxious and in therapy. It’s crazy when I think of how he manipulated and exploited me. Outsiders cannot comprehend the mind games involved in keeping you exactly where they want you.
Being told you’re “special” and that what you have is “unique” (whilst refusing to “label” it). The past few years have been hell discovering more and more of his antics with other harem members. The truth never coming from him, but from my own detective work. These people collect, flatter, use, abandon and re-use the whole time using intermittent reinforcement to keep you hooked. They’ll discard you only once you’re either drained and broken, or when you start calling them out and expecting reciprocity and accountability. I’ve done the latter lately and the mask has well and truly dropped. I feel sorry for his wife, who married him thinking he’d only been having one affair when I know he’d been having multiple, and still is. He has no respect for anyone, proven by him discussing their sex life with me and even sending me pics of her naked in the past. No idea why. Triangulation? He tells me things she’d never want anyone to know, like how she wishes her boobs were bigger like mine, etc. It’s so disrespectful. They have recently moved into a new home and she is happily crafting as he sexts other women above her head in their home. I’m so relieved to have realised the truth. I wish I could help her to see who he truly is, but I know he’d spin it to make me look like the crazy one. I pray for her. I imagine living with him, she must be experiencing these mind games tenfold and I highly doubt she’ll ever realise and escape. I’m doing work on myself and my boundaries and feeling peace and happiness for the first time in years. The trauma bond is tough to break but going No Contact is the only way to deal with these monsters. Freedom feels amazing.
When I was reading this it was like I was reading my own life story word for word he wanted friends with benefits I told him i couldn’t handle it I just wanted to be friends he was ok with it at first then two days later he tells me he doesn’t want me anymore he changed his mind he just wants the other two woman and he doesn’t want to risk it being with me anymore keep in mind i been with him for over a year now he kicks me to the curb he always comes back but this time i dont know if he will and to be honest i rather him be gone for good its like i feel relieved for a change i dont have to hear him talk down to me break me down make me feel like im the worse person in the world and no man is going to want me the way i am im a horrible person its like i have a little peace in my life right now.
I found out my covert narcissist husband was doing this when I found out all these years he only need to be at work 10% time-for meetings. Then investigated and found out how he has been spending his 90% “work time” well he admitted with his “REAL FAMILY” and I would also see his websites before he goes to work searching for a new prostitute to start his day with on “Find a Fast Fuck in 6mile radius” site and a similar site on his cell’s Firefox explore history. He always said he wants a harem of models. Well I found out he has bastards with various prostitutes at least 7 +our 3 by marriage= 10kids.
It’s sick a pathetic he has never been all that just someone responsible to settle with love had to grow. But not enough apparently I filed for divorce that same week with no hesitation or hurt. These people need exposure to who they really are. God bless
I’ve been married to one for thirty years. I’m so stupid. Ironically, I sensed it was toxic in the beginning, but didn’t have the words for it. He would always make me jealous of other women, so I was distracted from realising that I actually didn’t even like Him. The hidden porn was a great trick. I spent hours trailing his history. What a complete waste of my time.
I’ve even cheated to ‘get rid’ of him, to my own shame and disgust. Can’t believe how low I’ve gone, morally.
In fact, I’ve ended up looking like the ‘toxic’ one. His harem was/is work colleagues but also includes family.
I’m planning my escape again!
Wish me luck 🙂
Have you succeeded in escaping?
I have a real taste for narcissists…but trying to move on from them. Luckily, each relationship/affair is getting shorter and shorter as I get wiser and wiser to this kind of person. This last one had a very extensive harem very neatly divided into exes, lovers, and friends, and there were SO MANY red flags it’s hard to count them. It was confusing the whole time until I got friend-zoned (after we slept together) but with tons of affection, “it’s so important to me to see you every week”, shit like that, mingled with devaluation like taking phone calls in the middle of conversations and talking about sex as if I were a guy friend. The last time I saw him I thought, I don’t want to see this person again, the way I feel after seeing him feels bad, deliberately bad, this has been DONE to me, it didn’t just happen…so I stroked his ego and said I couldn’t be friends with someone I had feelings for and had to cut off contact and then deleted his number, unfollowed, etc. Have to admit, it’s like giving up an addiction to someone who gets you hooked on their reward-punishment-reward system, you know you can get the high if you just debase yourself enough, basically…and even now two months later I still think about him all the time and am just trying to read as much as I can to get a clear picture and not feel like I did something wrong or should be ashamed by the role I played in the situation. Reading through the comments, so many of us are feeling shame, but knowing I’m not alone helps. Thank you for this clear post, this is the first time I’ve read about “the harem” being a common feature of the life of the narcissist and it is reaching a lot of people who are feeling relief at seeing their experience more objectively, myself included. xoxo
WOW, this not only rings true with love interests but also ties right in with their habits with family and friends too. I witnessed my niece doing this with everyone around her. Men, friends, me, family etc.
My niece tried to pull the wool over my eyes and tried to take advantage of my generosity. Guess what she took off when she discovered her jig was up. I am too old to put up with those type of shenanigan’s. I sent her a polite text telling her it was best we part ways. Letting her know tactfully I was off limits and she violated my trust. Never went into detail with her. (we all know this does not good) I cut off her supply to me. It lasted 24 days while she lived here. I witnessed her antics within the 1st 5 days of living with my family.
Spot on. One of the best articles I’ve read. Narc ex boyfriend insisted on continuing to have relationships with ex girlfriends. He claimed they were only friends. They weren’t. He would go and visit one or more of them every month -he would leave town for 2 weeks every month and make the rounds. He mostly went to see one woman who was a back door woman for TWENTY years. He also still sees his first wife. They’ve been divorced 40 years. They slept together after they married other people…After 4 years with him (2 years after I first discovered nude photos, etc WHILE he was living with me for free) and many break ups, I had finally had enough of the repeated calls, emails, sexts and trips. I called it quits. Three months later he called and wanted to give it another try. Said he would give up all the others because he now understood that is what he had to do to have me in his life. I bit but I kept one foot out. Good thing. He was still calling, texting and emailing the others. When I confronted him he LIED – said I was projecting and making it up. When I provided proof, he said he won’t discard “friends”. He said he’s nice to people. Then said he would TELL me each time there was a contact. Bargaining. Nope. No thanks. I gave him 5 years (on and off). I’m done.
I was married to a narcissist for about a year back in the 80’s. He had a “friend” named Rosemary that he left the house to help with things around her house every now and then. I told his parents about her and they confronted him about having an affair. He was a Secret Service Agent and had condoms in the glove compartment of his car (which we did not utilize) which spoke volumes about his activitihes on the road. Our “marriage fell apart when he got transferred and “found a job for me, told me where I was going to work” and I found his “secret” stash. I have never known it until reading this article, but I guess he had a “harem” too and it all makes sense now. There were a few girls on the side while we were dating (one was Rosemary). I remember getting in the car one time and the defroster came on and highlighted her writing on the windshield of his car-on the passenger side. I was very naive, just the kind of person that the narcissist looks for. Thanks for this article, it explains that portion of what I went through, that I have always wondered about. It has been many years and I have gone on to live my life with a healthy life and a child, but, sometimes I still try to wrap my head around the cruelty and how someone could end a marriage simply because I wanted to be included in it.
I think this is a brilliant written work. I am the mother of a malignant narcissist, trying to understand it all. It is painful because I am a victim of hers also. I have lost my child to a monster by the time she was 28. I go backwards and it ticks and ties from about age 15 to 17, to full blown monster. SHOCKED. I see all this in her interactions with her ex and her business associates. I was one of her harem. Our last interaction, she told me she had no use for me any longer, I was her biggest liability, and she hated me. Pay attention to what people say in anger.
So I stumbled across with a lot of a shock and realization of being part of a narc’s harem. I have put up a huge boundery after trying to call him out on his actions only to incur a huge wrath that I can only equate to a tantrum. I also have become very wary of anyone who claims they are not a “liar”, everyone lies that is a fact of life, there are white lies, lies of omission, and just straight up manipulation. I was stuck in his manipulation, only there when his ex girlfriend and baby mama made his life bad. Currently I am the “dark energy” that’s destroying his “englightened” life. He likes to gaslight me at work with that, and has formed a group with a woman i no longer talk to because he tried to use her as way to make me jealous. She has severe codependency issues and always like “poor baby” with him. Even though she was the one who told me he was trying to get with her~! When I called him out on it, he had a tantrum (again) and accused me of causing drama and not liking him for who he is. Yeah, i don’t because that man is a narc. Sad part of it is, that i think he uses his little daughter to be part of this circle. He we use her to get out of social obligations, but this same reason is the reason he uses to socially bully women on our team for leaving work. As that I don’t have children, and don’t want them, allows him to make the claim that I am just “miserable”. I have given him money, a phone, cooked for him, bought him food, time, and more….. Thank you for enlightening me and giving me perspective.
My narcissist didn’t keep his harem a secret – well he did at first, and then once he had me over to his house/music studio to see how obedient I am, to see if I would do his laundry and clean his garage if he asked, and I passed with flying colors, he then told me about his lifelong dream to have “seven queens”. He wanted us all to be friends, too. He made it seem like I was the first one, but within a week he had two others, and within a month after that he had two more. Once I started suspecting I was being manipulated (into doing chores for him, doing certain sexual things, and in general things I didn’t really want to do), I tried to leave, especially since once he thought he had me hooked, I was getting less and less attention while he was off recruiting new queens and making them think that they were the only girl he was seeing. But then when I expressed my desire to say goodbye, he gave me a little affection and I was sucked back in. Later, once he said a few more things that made me feel ignored and jealous of his other queens and queen candidates, I tried to leave for real. Ghosted and blocked him on everything. Ended up texting him three days later, started out accusing him of manipulating me, etc., yeah within 48 hours I had invited him over. At this point I had also told one of the other queens about my concerns and she felt the same way. But like me she was addicted and couldn’t bring herself to leave. And so she and I went back and forth between promising each other we’d leave and rationalizing the whole thing to each other to give ourselves excuses not to leave. Also, after I had tried to leave the second time, he told the other queens that I am not queen material and that I am sweet but I have issues, so he was planning to just have a personal relationship with me and not include me in the queens. I think he knew I might try to help them leave. He told them to all cut off contact with me even though he would still be seeing me. He finally made it over to my place the next week, and nearly strangled me to death in rough sex gone (what I consider to be) too far. He had been playing himself off as a BDSM Dom but was only seeking out women who had never been involved in BDSM before, and wasn’t following any of the common rules for that (no discussion about limits, and would in fact “push” my limits and do things he knew made me uncomfortable, possibly permanently damaged my neck). But I was addicted to his affection and the rush I got from being nearly murdered or whatever. Anyways, later that week I talked to my therapist and realized I need to get out. So I moved out of my apartment and in with a friend, and have to constantly resist the temptation to text him. Yes I have his number blocked but I could unblock it, I have done so before. Also before I cut off contact with the other queen I’d talked to (had to because I was worried she’d cause me to get drawn back in) she told me that he was getting the queens to all move into a SINGLE bedroom in his basement and share a few queen beds. And one of the queens is now giving him her money. It’s a full blown sex cult. Anyways I am 12 days no contact any advice tips or encouragement would be so much appreciated. This article hit home because this guy is LITERALLY starting a harem.
While I appreciate how well written this article is and your focussing on this topic so specifically, I find it unfortunate that the writer chose to characterize narcissists as “he”.
Needless to say I was involved with a narcissist female who is equally as toxic as any man described in the article and in the comments. Please amend your copy so that you don’t come off as sexist.
If a similar post were written and only use the word “she” to describe some kind of toxic relationship behavior, there would be no end of raging comments about that misstep.
You’ll notice in many of my articles I refer to Narcissists as she, but usually I leave the gender neutral. It amazes me how many men write about how upset they are over a pronoun.
Amen. I gained new information on this and it’s exactly what I witnessed. Thankyou for this.
For almost 9 years I was in his Harem!!!! I was the main source of supply.
I have searched for 4 plus years the explanation and answers that would explain what this was all about. I called him on his BS and watched how he manipulated and abused not just myself but also the women in his past. Its been a difficult and long 10 plus years.
Thank You so much for this writing. It validates what I instinctively knew but chose to shut it off.
He justified his stealing my personal belongings in his own mind stated each time I discovered anything he chose to aquire from me often saying I gave it to him(Gaslighting!!!)
Accused myself of most things he was doing (deflection!!!)
To date I have not spoken with him for over a year and seriously do not no care too nor do I care what he has to say about me!
I truly decieved myself into believing he was just a wounded soul that would wake up a realise how much he loved me.
Truth be said he NEEDED me I never truly needed him!!!!
Today I am coming closer to being myself once again however I am a much better me and God has a far more rewarding life planned for me.
I pray God will help others who suffer from these sad pathetic injured souls to see the truth and grant them true healing as well.
Wow this happened to me I was used abused pit up against women in his harem.and thrown out like trash put on a shelf until he came did it again until he found another girl. They are evil!!
“Please amend your copy so that you don’t come off as sexist.”
Dude I can’t
Get off your high horse, it’s a cold hard fact the vast majority of Narcissism diagnoses go to males. When the tides of abuse and domestic violence turn toward being even REMOTELY even, we can talk.
I dunno about that, I honestly just think women simply aren’t diagnosed and their behaviour is just dismissed as being ‘normal’ for women some how. That or I’ve managed to work for every narcissistic bitch in my city, and in my high school. I’ve met far more narcissistic women than men to the point where I still get anxiety if I’m asked to work with a group of only women.
Exactly true, Gregg, the female narc I knew kept a male harem exactly as stated in this article, so it s quite false to make out this is a male trait.
Hey Gregg, Maybe I didn’t read the same article! I see the writer using ‘she’ in the article as well, we all have narcissistic tendencies, but men do make up the majority of narcissists. Unfortunate fact
I found this article very helpful & insightful. I have a friend who I have realized is a narcissist. I thank God I stood my ground & set clear boundaries all along & kept our interactions to purely friendship. Despite the fact we never dated and have decided to end the friendship he seems to have engaged in a smear campaign against me.
I was wondering if you would be available to speak with me off line??
Im trying to wrap my head around this.
I have never had a close friendship with a narcissist before. I am really hurt because I believe my friendship mattered. I am realizing nothing matters except what he wants.
Thank you in advance for your time & consideration.
Wow….this is how I spent the last almost 6 years. These people are malignant. They will lie, cheat, deflect, accuse, abuse, corner, bully, ridicule, laugh at, pretend, and on and on. My ex, who I just finally ended things with, had the nerve to once again lie to me. What a miserable journey thinking I was in love with someone, had a future together while the whole time he treated me like S***. He is a very sick person. Meanwhile, I keep hearing how I need help. I was in therapy for a year and went on Prozac to deal with him. This article just described my life since 2013. Thankfully it’s over.
My ex narc had at least 1 girl who always showed up at his house when he went silent treatment on me. She even left a message on his answering machine that she made him a fancy dinner when we WERE ENGAGED!!!!! I called her and told her how he was…she really didnt seem surprised. He accused ME of having a MALE harem before…because I have ALWAYS had male friends..since I was little..and they were family to me. I had to defend the fact that my MECHANIC’s phone number was IN MY CELL! I didnt realize this was projection. He also said to me, “If I marry someone else..you WILL still have sex with me on the side” with a smile on his face. I also found LOVE NOTES from his piano players WIFE in his SOCK DRAWER!! The note was written WHILE SHE WAS MARRIED!!!! I would wonder why he was always accusing me of cheating on him with people I had NO INTEREST IN!!!! I still have memories come up that I never added up!
Hey Mary, if you see there’s a smear campaign against you, why would you want to even TRY to wrap your head around this. You clearly found the narcissist out. DO NOT care what he smears about you. Cut off ALL ties, then he can’t smear you! If he continues to smear you, people will get it, that he’s the problem. And who cares what other people think is happening! Do you live your life for them or yourself!
Move on! Don’t waste your energy on trying to wrap your head around this!
Excellent article. Very concise and true.
I’ve found myself repeatedly in EXTREMELY short (less than 3months) dealings with men (aged 30 – 43) who, in retrospect, were textbook narcissists. I only realise this now, after witnessing my sister go through such a crazy roller coaster with her ex-husband.
Ironically, my mother lived her life as the toy of her husband (my dad) for over 25years, and I remember asking her at age 18 why she was still with him, given that us, her children, were independent, working and studying. I guess she was at loss after 20 years of total enslavement by him. It only took her one last humiliation to pack away and disappear. As predicted, the husband tried to enrol her back in with fakepologies, but she stood her ground. 2 months later he was remarried (for the third time, as per these disgusting old-school African practices of polygamy) with a random person hushed in by his puppeteer of a big sister.
But when the new wife tried to continue the abuse by using physical violence against my mother and my sister (who was held captive under her new husband’s custody without being allowed to see my mother for over 2 years); I went ballistic. I roared my (25years) of rage over the phone and by email at them for being inhuman selfish monsters with zero ounce of humanity left.
The next day my dad (who was with terminal cancer then) was dead. Story goes that his puppeteer sister and his fake-nurse of a new wife fed him pills to eliminate him. I almost didn’t go to the funeral: I just didn’t care and the world could have burnt and I wouldn’t have blinked an eye. I still traveled back “home” and was delighted that my mother and my sister could FINALLY be with each other.
That’s during these tough times that my sister and I got acquainted with a team of narcissist cousins. I was lucky, being extremely independent, rational and also wise, to debunk the lies that the narcissist presented me within a couple of months. I guess his bad luck was that he had picked an emotionally unavailable but also ruthlessly analytical person (i.e me) as a victim. He quickly called it quit and I went about building my career without too much thought and also because I had to financially provided for my mother and younger sister. My elder sister, on the other hand, was fully conned and ended up marrying and childbirthing (twice!) for her narcissistic husband… soon ex-husband.
In the 5 years that followed, I fell prey to narcissists twice, but somehow managed to dodge their tricks and get out within a couple of months. I guess the advantage of being such a scientist-minded, analytical and driven person is to have developed some pattern-seeking ability that picks up on a wide array of facts to test them for veracity.
But I have to say that the last encounter blew me cold in the bones because it made me realise that I hadn’t dealt with the debacle that had happened 5 years earlier, when my dad passed away. A lot of introspection, a lot of online reading and the occasional discussions with my mother have allowed me to make sense of the whole story. As I often say: whatever doesn’t kill you teaches you to live better. I’m glad I went through this mumbo-jumbo to become more socially and emotionally atuned to people and myself.
Unfortunately, my sister is gone the other way. She was already a trouble child suffering from all sorts of complexes and insecurities in her teenage years, and her ex-husband was the ONLY man she had ever been intimate with. He has destroyed her sense of hope to the point that she is becoming narcissistic and abusive, in the same vein my father was. Now that my mother is staying at hers, we can see all the same raging/demeaning/use-discard behaviours coming from her.
My mother initially thought she could do something to help her change, and I had to bark some sense of self-preservation and responsibility in her for her to realise that she was about to slip on the same slave role that she had played for 25years with my father. This was all exhausting and I had to run away to the other side of the planet to gain some decent amount of space for self-reflection.
I realise now that I have seen so much drama on my dad’s side of the family (my grand father was an abusive violent “patriarch”, one of my aunty killed her husband in a fit or rage, my other aunty tried to strangle the kid of her husband’s first wife, another kept collecting abusive men to father he children throughout her life), that from earlier on in life I emotionally distanced myself from them. After being a grey rock for so many decades, I surprise myself at how resilient I have become and how I am able to take on tougher and tougher challenges in my personal and professional life as time goes by.
It all makes sense, in the grand scheme of things. All is well. 🙂
Best. Article. Ever.
Absolutely spot-on – brilliant! I have this article in my favorites…
Time really does heal… when I think of him now, the only feeling is nausea.
That is comforting to know
needed to hear that. i’m just now realizing i’m dating a narcissist. and it’s breaking my heart. he used triangulation on me last night.. textbook. actually said “i like it when y’all fight over me”. i’m disgusted.
NAUSEA, OH YES ! — I always had nausea while I was with him !!!! — I could have puked 24/7 — I developed Hashimoto which is improving now that he’s gone — The nausea, too, is subsiding over time, but I still get a headache when I read these articles about narcissistic abuse… I keep reading them, though, to remind me of how sick his triangulation tactics and lack of honesty were.
DO NOT TAKE BACK A CHEATER OR A USER OR A NARCISSIST. THIS ISN’T SELF-LOVING OR SELF-RESPECTING AND THEY WILL WALK ALL OVER YOU AND COMPLETELY DEPLETE YOU AND THROW YOU AWAY.
Do not tolerate this behavior! It’s not “what men do”, it’s what assholes do.
Wow. Your site and this piece popped up on an oddly tangential, but I fear apt, search-
for narcissism and tango (the dance, not the metaphor).
I don’t believe that anyone’s made the connection before, but, coming into the scene from
outside, one of the first things to hit me was a weird dynamic of “collecting” dance
partners, then listening to the descriptions used for these unfortunates, then, most
oddly but most accessible, my own very weird involvement in this blender on frappe.
I hail from showbiz; specifically touring music (some substantial names which I won’t
encumber here, but one has the name of some city known for music, that we bombed in WW2;
one has a name derived of the element Sn on the Table. Track them down and they’re pretty
big). I got involved in the tech side of the local tango scene a couple of years back,
mixing and recording the acts at live milongas. Coming from chamber recording and live
rock, it was easy to juggle 6 stable voices at a decent level. I did well.
The producer friend who got me involved runs a small tango operation a couple of times a
month. I had worked on some philanthropic adventures at the community theater where he
presents these things in the past. Now he had me in full bore to do these affairs. He
also would ring me up every day, take me out for a drink, treated me to Forever Tango
-the big show); a really inclusive cat.
Remember, I was used to hanging out with some pretty high-level types, in town, on tours.
This was like the crew again.
I started watching the thread. Once, he said that “People talk about you, they don’t
think you can do this, they say “But he’s from rock””
I had told no one of my background. I found out that the people in question were good
friends of his, a really rank (even in his view) band of hobbyists- whose violinist he
even advises I leave out of the mix-
Yet, when they want something in that hall, he falls all over himself to appease them.
There’s an old Steinway in the hall that the “pianist” likes. It gets hammered to death
by anyone, even kids, of the Soviet emigre mentality where everything is communal so
trash it and you’ll get another. A 1912 O model, worth into the low 10’s of K. I say
“Sell it and focus on the stage work” he says “But the (Nobodies) like it.”
He has them in for a show. everything must go their way- remember he badmouths them to
me. He has already spoken well of me, even publicly. Yet now- if they have an issue-
usually based in their ignorance, as with how to hold a microphone- who takes the fall?
He has my name on the facebook page for the sound system. A DJ comes in and thinks he has
the Golden Ear of all and the speakers need moving up the wall. Not in a theater where
they need to be removed at times; on the stage “sound wings” is fine, per standards-
“Friend” has asked the DJ to turn down 3 times. Now DJ tells me the speakers are too
loud. I say “Who has the knobs?”
Friend chases me to the office and says “Just tell him you’ll fix it”.
Did I tell you to say your work in anything was errant- and I’m looking at a career of
30+ years that got me into the NYT.
No, I won’t.
Another DJ. Another issue with his own ignorance, another fall for me.
Now, from the great build up I had at the start, this world-beating FOH guy is getting
some weird requests from the crowd. Some DJ wants to use my microphones. Do I use his
A musician whom I esteem rips me off for a repair/modification to his gear- when before
he was right there in support (and a big name on bandoneon, even with LA Phil).
And Friend is the common factor to all these contacts.
Friend has always lived, I recently learned, with mom. He’s 70. He owns Berkshire stock-
the A, not the cheap babies. He’s apparently never been married.
As any woman new to his events walks in the door, he drops his spot at the ticket desk to
follow her in for a dance.
Indeed, his descriptions of women include “I never danced with her” or “I used to dance
with her”- invariably.
He tells me to “watch out for her- she’s kind of a b—-”
Of one who is a fun sparring partner in a conversation of sarcastic wit, I find.
Of a colleague/friend of his: “be careful if him; he talks to people”. But He tells me
some of the facts of this guy, such as living with mom.
“He’s a momma’s boy” and “he has no spine”.
Yet he tells me to shut up at idiotic criticism by a deaf DJ, or whimsically throws the
band into the center of the floor after I was used to refining a stellar sound on stage.
I get the blame for his grand producer mess-ups. He tells the complainants “I know, I
I before heard none; It became “No, it’s this way” and “You did that group on the floor
before”- when I hadn’t. His friend at another: I say “It’s like this” about anything.
“No, it’s more like this.” Whatever, you win, stud. (See note on his breaking them in)
The latest was some drunk storming backstage to complain about a singer with no mic
technique. So what?
I mentioned this to friend, asking that hamhand be kept away from the running aspects-
and he defended him.
I have gone from the savior of the place to zero credibility.
I had also been getting along with progessively more women (I am a guy, which makes his
tricks really stand out).
He just a few weeks back called me on cell to tell me that the singer for the night had
arrived- as I was onstage awaiting his advent..
My boss, constant supervisor, alpha male who touches all the women in the place to feel
like the total stud he really is?
I see this now in more men at these tango things.
A social dance from long back, it evolved from a peasant’s street number- like the
pavanne et al in their evolution to the court- to a warm up between the “Juans” and their
chosen counterparts in the brothels. Now it’s at about ballroom proportion here and
The men are usually in their 50’s+, the women ditto. Few younger people get into it.
There are a few married couples (hurray for love, here!)- most are unattached and tour
the dance partners I would guess in some weirdly delayed mating thing; a middle-aged meat
market, if you will. Friend will hungrily attend ALL the dances in town, not even knowing
who is playing, if anyone is (he showed up at one I was working on. He’s always online
reading of the events, yet asked “Oh- there’s someone playing here?”)
It seems true to some extent. Most men are just themselves. Some, though, are the most
overbearing, Lord of the Flies egoists I could hope to meet.
Friend’s phone calls fell way off, to only one before each milonga, twice a month.
Latest, he called for lunch, as he has in the past.
After the burrito, he said “I have to go get some stuff; can you help me carry it?”
I wrote to him about this one. Try to be honest; don’t smile and lie, even by omission,
about something (a yearly ball that weekend) that you knew well you’d want my help with.
I watch his friend with his own events. Same issue with the fresh meat at the door. “Have
you been here before?”
“No”, the target will answer.
“Here, let’s have a dance”
Always the first one with a woman, never allowing them to simply watch and decide on
their own whom to dance with. I know some friends who work on swing events too. No such
obsession there; just dance with whomever you like.
From where I come, I could have had a steady diet of talent, singers, film faces, dancers
in my work. Could have. No such compulsion.
These guys are geezers. Greasy, slimy geezers (the first one, Friend, had some sort of
woman friend whom he’d drop at the sight of another new one walking in to chase her into
the ballroom, the second has a wife who has some medical thing going on- eyes I think). I
really feel for anyone tied in a relationship to one like these. They have a tough time
being straight and fair with other men without having to one-up or lord over them. I can
imagine their luck with women who simply want to be equal, not some wannabe alpha-male
footstool. It’s much deeper than the surface and looking cool; it even invades his
relations with other men.
I haven’t heard a word from “Friend” since calling him on that lie thing. Fine, another
ego mirror will suit me too. Now go back to notching your heels with “There are some
women who need me to dance with them”.
I am leaving my narcissist, moving out next week. He has, of course, offered me membership in his harem by saying he hopes we can be friends. When he mentioned it, I didn’t reply, just changed the subject, but after I get moved out, I intend to let him know I never want to see or hear from him again as long as I live.
I will absolutely not let him use me to hurt someone else and also try to hurt me again by hinting at possible reconciliation. He just doesn’t seem to get it—I am not in the least interested in being anything but done with him. Incredible.
Such a brilliantly worded piece!! Loved it and so true x
Hmmmm, all very true, now that I’ve seen the indisputable proof. Not sure if I was a discard or I left or both. He sure did replace my supply quick! Now I’m wondering why he’s paying for a place for me to stay. .. he offered the friendship, even threw out that maybe one day we’d get back together. Ha. He screwed a girl he moved into his room after I did not return for 2 nights, so that I could hear them then purposely showered her (something is always wanted from him) playing a song he knows I hate.
I’m taking his money & being aware of what he thinks he’s buying. I’m not trying to use him or holding onto false hope that it will “all work out one day” or even that we will EVER be friends. His best friend is his meth dealer. Hoping I can gain financially, without letting myself be dependant on it, or counting on it or feeling indebted. Though that’s how I’m paying it for him. I can pay pathetic for some of the funds he owes me back. Continuing to see what a douche he is will ultimately continue to help me recognize and process this past 11 months & all I’ve endured. My mind needs to understand so that my emotions quell. The anger, hate, love, disgust, all of it. It’s not that I still want him in my life. I feel I’m collecting retribution. I feel this is whats right.
My Narcissist played the committed partner and family man the entire time. He lived in my apartment which I was paying for. He pretended to have a job , yet never having any money for rent, food , or bills. In reality, he was out all day being with different women around the entire city who also provided for him and were aware of me, including three females he was sleeping with in my apartment complex. One of them was my next door neighbor who he was fucking in the my guest room while I slept. I opened the bedroom door only to find my treadmill against it so I couldnt walk in. I saw her she jumped out of the window and he began his emotional, verbal and physical abuse towards me. I was pregnant at the time, only to begin bleeding and loosing my baby that same day. I will never forget that day. He never showed any remorse. People like him, are truly sick individuals who will never see or understand the level of pain they inflict on others due to their own demons and hate within them. No matter how many women they go through in their lifetime, they will always be empty and miserable. They will end up alone and hating life in the end. for us women who have been through this experience, I wish you the best in healing. It takes time but we can do it. First step is to leave them behind, and forgive them for all they have done. Only forgiveness can heal us from this trauma. Never look back, they are not even worth that. Learn from the experience and keep moving forward.
Wow just realized I part of one but I’m secretly dating on the side so I’m looking for my true mate anyway, humoring the narc. I want to tell the one unsuspecting other in the worst way. Why not?
The narc who failed me is a bandoneon player, so I totally believe the tango connection.
It’s the fake passion bullshit, the whole facade that attracts them.
They are a dance, they are a show….. A clown show.
So stumbled upon this article and it’s been really eye opening.
I’m almost positive I’m dating a narcissist. I met her and the chemistry was off the charts. She was a friend of a friend. When we met we were just casually hooking up. It was fun and a total whirlwind. At the time she had gotten out of a 6 year relationship and was telling me about a couple guys she would just keep around. And how I literally just replaced the last one. (keep him in mind he’ll come up later).
I didn’t think anything of it because we were just casual. As time went on she showered me with affection. Constantly texting me, always interested in me. Showering me with praise. I’m the greatest guy she’s ever met, the sex was the most amazing. Buying me gifts etc. After a few month we became official at her request, she basically cried and stormed off because I wasn’t ready for a relationship and she said she had been wanting to date me.
We then started to go through some tough times I was depressed and she was pulling back and of course I chased. Then she started changing. She’s a lawyer and had said she had to help this guy I had replaced with his case but told me because she didn’t want it to cause problems. I didnt think anything of it until randomly she brought this guy up late one night saying he tried to call. We got into a fight about it and my gut told me something was up. As she showered I went thru her phone, she was texting this guy saying how she had a dream about him and how she misses him and all the things they used to do. And how it’s lucky that she’s always faithful in her relationships even when they suck! Winky face. I confronted her about it and we broke up. She was very quick to say we should stay friends and she doesn’t want to lose me forever that’d be too hard, she even stayed and we had our last night.
Later I called her and said told her I couldn’t be friends and just need to heal. I didn’t block her and after 3 weeks she reached out saying how she misses me and we should talk for closure then keep flaking on meeting up. Eventually we did and the process started all over again. We started hooking up again for a while and decided to try again and work on things. I was apprehensive at first because of how things ended but agreed if we could work on things. We talked and talked about her texting him and at first she said it was immature and she was unsure of us long term but the more we got into it she said that to me it’s clearly a level 10 thing and to her it’s a 3 on the scale and she doesn’t see it as a problem in her eyes but that doesn’t mean she won’t understand where I’m coming from and work on it. I was super disappointed and honestly should’ve left then but I love this girl so much I stayed hoping things would get better. Fast forward she just turned 30 and has been in an emotional slump, she’s begun the emotional cut off stage although we had agreed to communicate better and she gets super defensive and worked up to the point of swearing and of course all my emotions and notions a of wanting to help or want to know are unreasonable, needy, and who the fuck am I to want to do this or that. Also found out she had been violent with her last 3 exes. That’s when I knew there was a core issue and came across this article. She promised she never cheated on me or any of her exes ever. Anyway took her out on her birthday she wasn’t super appreciative for the gifts and was uninterested at the dinner I took her to saying she just wanted to be at home. Anyway this guy sent her a message on her birthday and she responded to it while we were in bed and she knows I saw it. I did it again that night if her birthday after doing all that rimunning around for her I checked her phone and she’s been in contact with this guy. Probably since we’ve been back together, telling him she misses him etc. Didn’t have that much time to read it all. Lol.
Her new thing is that she’s always busy in her phone when she’s with me, doesn’t want to talk in general even when I try to just chat and connect and that I also use my phone so why am I being unreasonable. But she’s on it literally every free chance she gets. Not sure whether it’s a test, a direct message to me or whatever.
Long story short I’m breaking up with her real soon and hopefully before she discards me or decides to hurt me or cheat or whatever.
Thanks for reading all of this.
Wow!! On point. Love this article. Knowledge is power!!♡♡♡
Yep— sounds like a narc to me!
Nodding my head through this whole thing, though I wish I wasn’t! Long term marriage to a bipolar narc with a mean narc dad. I waited years to date and did my work on myself – but clearly, lessons left to learn! Met a great guy who stayed friends with lots of exes – I took that as a GOOD sign that he didn’t have bad breakups. Nope! Exactly as described here, he started out the gate intensely attentive, and took a huge turn that triangulated me into drama with these other past and potential partners. Keeps me hanging on by teetering from friendship to more, just to test the anchor and make sure I’m still interested. With the bipolar experience, I am used to detaching and feeling my way through these situations, and can usually predict his next step. BUT…why? It’s easier to just go no contact and be done. Sad though!
Yes, this could be true, but it also applies to women, and if played correctly reverse phsycology is applied with lots of help and people in on the game, and the poor guy is duped, just to get him from his own kids
Hope you have been strong enough to resist the charm offensive that is the inevitable narc response to abandonment. Abandonment triggers his deepest fears, and he will do anything to avoid it. If you can get two two weeks, then a month, then six, you’re doing well. Try to stay busy!! Read blogs like this one for support. Good luck — we who are reading this know it’s not easy.
You are exactly right. Getting through those moments of no contact when you have been used to talking with someone three to four times or more per day is very hard. This narc is exactly the harem that is described in this article. It is so hard to believe that I have crossed paths with someone who is this manipulative, such a liar, controlling, deceitful and someone who would intentionally do this to another person with no regard at all. Some days I really hate him for what he did to me and the other women as well but I know one day his karma will come back to him and sooner than what he thinks. I may be wrong for saying this but I hope that God allows him to feel all the hurt times 10 that he has intentionally caused to others. He is only thinking of himself. A pure leech. He has found a new supply for his group but I have chosen to remove myself from the equation ( which I did not know I was a part of until I caught him in his lies) , I’m not an option nor a back up plan and neither do I believe in sharing a man with another woman.
I am one day Narc-Free. Thankfully it was only a four month relationship, but I am amazed at how much I was “drawn into his cocoon” in such a short amount of time. He actually used the cocoon term himself. He wasn’t the smoothest narc on the planet. This is the second time in my life I have been in a narc relationship. Once when I was 19 and now at 47. Both very vulnerable times in my life. Which is what they look for. I was love bombed for the first two months. Texted everyday with a gazillion emoji’s. What 43 year old man uses that many emoji’s? Flowers every week, exciting dates, constant communication, I am the first real love of his life, talking future plans already, introduced me to his family, bought me a TV. He also felt the need to tell me about all of the women who want him and contact him. He stayed friends with all of his exes on facebook. Became social media friends with every women he comes in contact with- from the medical assistants at his eye doctors office to his barber, and cvs cashier. Phone full of naked pics of exes and porn. I even used the term “harem” with him and he liked it. Evaluates every women by level of beauty when we go into a public place. Flirted with cashiers and waitresses. I am a pretty good read at human behavior, which is why I think I stayed. He had me so puzzled at times it was a challenge. He was also very affectionate with me. But as time went on, and the more comfortable he became because he knew I was getting sucked in, there would be little comments that he would make that would seem so out of character that would slip out. Rather than being happy with all of the positive attention, I was growing more uneasy and unhappy and unstable and growing jealous which I never had been in previous relationships. My gut instinct was screaming at me to get the hell out but my brain was playing tricks on me saying, “well maybe he really does love you like he says and you are insecure and jealous like he says” The bottom line is- If you are the love of someone’s life, they will not tell you things to intentionally make you jealous and uncomfortable. They will respect your boundaries. They will not devalue your feelings or speak to you condescendingly. I am one day no contact after breaking up by text. I blocked him on social media and I blocked his phone number. I know I can never unblock him. I am not expecting him to try to contact me until it gets closer to the weekend when he will want sex. But I will never know if he tries. In my week moments I will want to know if he cared enough to try. My emotions are already up and down. Confident and determined one hour, crying the next because I miss him. I know it will get easier and the time will come where I will laugh at the idea of him and be embarrassed for being stupid enough to fall for it. I will chalk it up as a lesson learned so that if the “real thing” comes along, he will be much more appreciated.
This is exactly what I am going through.
A guy named XXXXXXX did this to me. I kept thinking I was special. He is married with four kids, three of them grown. Said he’d never stepped out on his wife before. I was someone he felt comfortable with.
He pursued me even though I wasn’t available. He kept telling me I was on his mind all the time — “it’s unreal the way you make me feel.” “I’ve never felt like this.” He told me I was so sexy. So hot. Barely ever beautiful, bough. He’d say I was funny and smart. Then… “I love you.” And “I love you more than my wife.” “I love you more than anybody.”
When he said that last line, I was like wtf? What did he mean, more than “anybody?” I’ve known him since high school and he didn’t date anyone before he and his wife got together back then. So I was like, “Who is anybody?” And he said he dated a girl for two weeks in 8th grade. The guy was ober 50 when he said this!
But I was head over heels. I believed him. When he said this at future points, he said he meant he loved me more than his wife.
Time passed and at one point, when Charlie was blowing cold, I noticed one particular girl — I’ll call her M – kept popping up as a friend on his Facebook page photos, and he was always on her page’s friend photos. They were also following each other on Instagram, even though he only followed 28 people then.
I questioned him about this and he said he wasn’t even sure who she was. “I only friended her because I thought she was in my class.”
In the future he became weird and cold (AGAIN!), kept breaking plans and being distant –and we broke up. Months later, we reconnected. And I noticed Charlie and M’s green chat lights on Facebook were always on at the same time. This went on for a few weeks. I’d message him when his green light was on but he wouldn’t reply…
I finally said something about how his and her chat lights were always on at the same time. And suddenly, they were never on at the same time again. I’m assuming they migrated to Google Hangouts or Skype.or who knows what.
We stuck it out for about 6 months when he started going cold again. He’d give me the silent treatment. I flipped and told him to unfriend and.block me. He said he didn’t want to because he considered me a friend. When I said he wasn’t a friend to me, he said, “Ouch, that hurts.”
I honestly think he just tried saying things that he thought someone with feelings would say–even tho he felt none of it.
Nine months after that breakup, he reached out to me again through FB Messenger. But we weren’t FB friends. So I could never see when he was active or not. We lasted a year and a half when suddenly his silent treatments and blowing cold kicked in again.
He met me one last time in NYC. Over the course of 6+ years with breakups in between, we got together maybe 10 times). Prior to this get-together, we had talked about how fun it would be to spend real time together getting dinner and drinks.
Well, he met me that night, but first he texted that he was very tired. He also said he was with a client so if the client wanted to go for drinks, he might be late. I said it was no pro Ken since I was at a work event. He soon messaged that he could just meet me. And it took him 45 minutes to meet me. Ext he told me he had been up since 5 am because he met a client in south Jersey before he took the train to NY for two meetings before seeing me.
I was like, “well, I got four hours of sleep, so… we’re even.” I was smiling and happy to see him. He said, “Wel im really tired. REALLY tired!”
I was like, “Why did you get up at 5 and go to South Jerseynif you knew you were meeting me then?” And he said something like, “I have to keep the clients happy”
He kept fidgeting with his phone. This was something he did on those rare times we got together. He’d say it was because he was nervous and guilty–afraid his wife would call. But it was typically a freak out of pushing buttons and flipping it all around before he’d set it down or put it away. Who knows–maybe he was deleting apps or turning off notifications from other women.
Needless to say, this last get together was terrible. No dinner. No drinks. Just a speed walk to the train. I thought he’d at least want to chat and kiss when we got to his car but no.: “I just want to go HOME!” he said. He dropped me at the curb near my house and before I even turned to wave goodbye, he was speeding off down the street. I sent a message asking to call and he replied, “No.” Followed by, “I have to call (his boss).” It was 8:30 at night. I STILL didn’t get that I was getting brushed off tho. Not until the next day when I wrote to say, “I loved seeing you. I’m so glad we got to get together. Have a good weekend.” And he replied, “U2. Bye.” See how dumb I was? I said that his reply was rude. And he could have messaged something nicer, what the hell?. And I got zero reply. Nothing.
Things went south from there. A silent treatment. A “break,” and then him calling me to say we were done. He needed to “be clear in his mind” and concentrate on family. But maybe “we could be friends” if I wanted to at some point.
Look, I know he was married. And so am I. I did not pursue him. He heavily pursued me. He messaged me. He asked to see me. He asked me to do a project for his company. He told me how crazy he was about me. He’d message “ILU” instead of “ILY,” which was stupid but cute. The first time he did it I was shocked. I was scared. I’m married! What was I doing messaging with someone like this?!?
But in those early love-bombing days, Charlie kept it up, pouring on the love until I said I loved him, too. And then, within weeks, he started the first of many pullbacks.
Then he’d reel me in again, then pullback, over and over. We’d break up and reconcile. Always on his terms. Always me accepting less and less.
I reached a point this past April when we were on our “break” where I thought, “Who AM I? I never would have put up with this EVER when I was younger.” And then HE dumped ME.
And, inconceivably to any normal person, I was completely and totally devastated to the point I didn’t care if I was pushed in front of a subway train.
It’s been two months since our last contact. In the last contact, I wrote him a long note saying I would always be there for him. But now, after reading SO MUCH about passive aggressives and narcissists, I finally realize that this sick cycle will never, ever change. I thought I meant something to him. I thought I was special. He was my special thing that delivered me from the dull was of my day-to-day, my aggravating husband, my needy kids.
I’m as mad and disgusted with myself as with Charlie. Our relationship never progressed to being fully physical — although he benefitted greatly (jacking off regularly during phone or video sex, (something I had never conceived of prior to him); a couple of bj’s). He never reciprocated. God only knows when he last had sex with his wife. God knows if he ever gave her an orgasm, or if he even knows how.
I have revenge fantasies that he’ll get caught drunk driving and have his name splashed across the paper and internet. I have revenge fantasies that he gets fired and goes broke. I have fantasies that I’ll see him and ignore him. Or tell him I’m not suicidal anymore. Or see him with that woman M, so I can snap their picture together and text it to him, telling him I KNEW he was lying.
I am looking forward to the day I stop giving a shit. When I stop being angry and depressed. When I stop thinking of him at all. He was an addiction. And as toxic as a hardcore drug. I might have an old, challenging marriage, but I never again want to. feel as shitty, ignored, devastated, confused, suspicious, nauseous, jealous or hostile as XXXXXXX made me feel.
Great entry. I appreciate your story. You are a good woman. Stay strong. I’m proud of you.
I could have written this. Stinks doesn’t it what narc has done to our well being.
Hey. You’re doing so well to have gotten out. You mention you still wondered if he cares- which is a natural response any empathetic person will have because we can’t fathom how someone can be so callous. But make no mistake- a narcissist doesn’t care, and anything they say or do that hints toward it is just theatre, to reel you back in again. And it’s seems so genuine but you must remind yourself it isn’t. I’ve had to spend hundreds of dollars in therapy to learn how to deal with a narcissist. Trust me when I say the best thing you can do is abolish them from your life completely if possible, then you’ll no longer be on a thread and you’ll invest your time with meeting the right people. Stay strong!! You don’t need him in your life and the more time you spend away, the more you’ll realise how great life is without him.
It was a 3 months “relationship” for me, same age as you. Half a year later I am still struggling but I will never ever go back to him no matter what, I prefer to be unhappy by myself than be unhappy with him. I always knew that something was totally ubnormal, an adult who was speaking and behaving like a small child, a spoiled man searching for a mommy to take care of him. Pleeeeaseee !!! Anyway he left me in a total mess, after love bombing, he started hot and cold behaviour and when I called in his actions and words and ask him to break up he took revenge on me. He persuaded me that I was wrong, he asked to meet me and while everything seemed to be good between us he suddenly gave me the coldest behaviour and silent treatment. I guess he wanted to think that he discarded me and not vice versa. Anyway I gave him silent treatment back. As I am an empath I immediately sensed his energy shift. Never texted him, never asked him for anything, never questioned him. I took the blame inside me and tried to fix my wounds. I still see him sometimes, we say hi like nothing has ever happened between us, and the strange thing is, the first times we met after our mutual silent treatment in the same place that we work, he seemed like hell, he couldn’t even stare at me, he was hiding himself from me, become reddish and sweat when I was near him, and looked like a shit especially when he saw me laughing and joking with other colleagues. Such a coward ! I should be like that not him ! I was treated like a garbage not him ! I was the victim not him ! Inside me is like a hell, but from the outside I look confident and pretty, I try so hard, but I want to be the person that I loved when he love bombed me and I want to show him that my life is going on happily without him. Perhaps he thought I would have gone after him, but no. I am so pissed off with myself for letting this man come into my life ! Such strong feelings for a 3 months relationship with a guy I didn’t even like in the first place. Mine was a Covert Somatic, the worst kind ever ! I consider myself a part of his harem because I haven’t blocked him fm anywhere and i am still a name in his 200+ women names, friends in fb. He still likes my photos while i am definately not liking his. But I am definatly going to unfriend him sometime soon because this is exactly what I feel, a part of the harem, which I am not.
The one I dealt with lasted for eight months. I am much older than him but he treated me in the same pattern. I knew something was off from the beginning and trusted his lies over my gut. He did not want me to spend a night at his house because he said it was an unsafe area. He did not want me on his Facebook page and when I looked it was all women. I worked with this asshole and I really did not like him in the first place but he was nice. Treated me like a queen. I started finding information on him and he would lie out of it. When he went silence. I decided to go no contact and blocked this assholes phone number and I had blocked him on the FB. I finally figured out something this man was probably with someone when he was lovebimbing me. Out of 8 months. We had sex 4 times and at times his had erectile problems. I am wondering if he was screwing everyone but me. I am glad it is over. He wanted to be friends. Nice as hell but I was not doing that. I see his house when I d drive to work and there are different cars there at times. This coming from a man who said he doesn’t have women at his house. Sometimes I wandered if he was gay. He showed those tendencies and even wanted to have anal sex but I wasn’t going for that. This man is not attractive and had poor hygiene. I have to scratch my own head. It was all in my gut
one of these days…hello…I just read yr comment…and want to tell you how honest it is….particulalrly the end where you are blocking the nasty Narc and trying to walk away…I can relate to yr pain there…and am inspired by yr experience…thanks for sharing it…I hope you are successfully healing and realizing how important yr intuition and gut feelings really are…and I also hope you do meet the Real Thing with a Good Man one day soon.
Stay strong and keep him blocked. I did this for 4.5 years… the back/forth, triangulation, trauma bonding. They don’t change. Move forward and don’t look back–there is a wonderful guy out there who is kind, trust worthy, fun, etc…but you will never meet him if you keep hanging on to this relationshit. You deserve a real relationship Don’t settle for this.
My narcissist ex resurfaced a few days ago via email to tell me how much better life is after me. She was talking like we were old friends and like nothing had ever happened and I should be happy for her. We were in an open relationship for a few years and she is polyamorous. She went on to tell me shes allowing herself to have as many sex partners as she wants and have as many relationships as she wants. I couldn’t care less and I’ve learned a quick way to cut the conversation short is to insist on an apology for being haughty and for all the pain she caused. That will cut a conversation with a narcissist off real quick, they never like to apologize and won’t.
You can stay friends with normal exes but not with Cluster B’s as they will simply drive you crazy with their triangulation games and gaslighting- add the fact that there will never be any closure regarding this “relationship” and you have your recipe for emotional disaster.
Sure Narcs like to keep a harem of exes- it creates a huge amount of exiting drama an constant supply of attention for them.
You can’t be friends with a backstabbing rat- simple as that.
I met a Narc about three years ago. older man 66 when I met him. I had no idea what I was getting into. I kept having hunches about things and this sinking feeling in my stomach. He was very sneaky and secretive. After spending my first night with him , he came and set on the bed beside me and said ” a lot of women dont like me”.
I said I would see him the next day and he told me he usually didnt do that. He would call ME.
Then I heard about all the women friends he had and he took a great deal of pride in the harem he had built. He liked that they stayed friends after they split. He was proud of it. I told him I could never do that. When its over its over for me and I thought it to be unhealthy to stay in touch.
Well, long story short I was with him for a year and he took me for almost $9000.00 dollars. this is embarrassing to admit , but true. I paid his bills bought food and cloths for him because I thought he was just in a period of bad times. He had a small job with a charity at the time making nothing to mention.
He had at one time been a Business man and was fired. He is alcoholic as well. Hard core, drinking a couple gallons of Vodka a week. He hid that from me. I was familiar with the behavior though and called him on it.
I stayed away for a year. Then I would occasionally say hello to him and ask how he was. We would get together and have sex. I could never stand his behavior though and would call him on all of it so he didn’t like me very much and tell me I was mean to him. He was the biggest CON man ever!
Anyway, I recently talked to him again and he wanted to get together for sex and conversation again. I said ok. Even though I said I would never be in a Friends with Benefits relationship with him here I was agreeing to do this.
This is what im beating myself up about right now is this…
He was so excited about me coming out all week and texted and called and talked about sex and how great he was going to make it for me. He kept saying to bring my MIND! The morning I was to go he called me at 6:00am and canceled. He said he was sick all night with fever( he is having serious kidney problems and blood pressure) I said okay, because I really didn’t think it was in my best interest anyway.He is an exhibitionist too. The brothers and sisters sold the family farm he lived in and bought an RV and moved to a Nudist camp for swingers! lol his balls hang down to his knees!
He continued his illness the next day too.
So I finally did go out the next week. While we were talking he had a little slip (not really he planted it there) He said something about being at a rehab center. I asked him what he meant. He said well Ill tell you without going into all the details. (he told me ALL the details because it was his intention) He had been seeing a woman he met online. He said she was around 58. He is 69. He always dated women younger than him. That is his preference.He makes up stories about women too. He left his wife years ago and their two children for a girl in her 20’s and he in his 40’s.
He was having trouble figuring out what was going on with her.
He said he met her and they had been texting late at night and having drinks together and she would just excuse herself and leave ( alcohol withdrawal) Well, what happened was she had called him the night before I was suppose to come out and asked him to take her to the hospital because she was sick. Withdrawals and need to go to the ER. He dumped me and took her to help her. He can only get alcoholics. So he goes on and on about all the puking and bile she threw up and how sick she was and he stayed with her for two days until her daughters got to her. Now why did he tell me all this? What he was so troubled about was that after he did all that for her , he got a text message that said “lose my number and never contact me again” He was beside himself as to what was going on! SO , that is why he meant “bring your mind” he wasn’t smart enough (even though he thinks he’s brilliant) to figure out why she would say that. He was using me again for sex and to help him out with his new potential GF.
On my way home I put two and two together and knew he was with her that day we were suppose to be together. I knew why he got the text too. I called him and asked why he lied to me. He said I wouldn’t have understood. He was angry at me. So, He really wanted to know what happened to her and thought I could tell him ( i’m into behavior) Even though he knew it would hurt me , he didn’t care. Better me than him. RIght?
I told him i wouldn’t see him again and told him why he got the text message from her.
(She was taken to a drug rehab. Her daughters got her phone and sent all her contacts a message to lose their mothers number and leave her alone). He was relieved.
We have texted a few times since then (Tuesday) Im never nice when I confront him about things. I am very outspoken and say exactly how I feel. I told him he was a hopeless Narc and could never be helped. He told me I didn’t know what love was. Loving people did loving things for each other! OMG! I asked if he did not remember all I had done for him. He told me I was mean and vindictive and that is why he was never able to love me. He told me he did love me though I just never believed him. That hurt me when he said that and then i remembered something I told him earlier that I didn’t love him romantically anymore , but as a human being in need. So, he had to now tell me he didn’t love me.
I have suffered untold mental and psychological abuse from him. Called me Crazy 50 times a day! I just told him today like I have for a long time his words did not bother me anymore. They went right over my head. I know who I am and I know what I am , and Im of very sound mind.
I told him shouldn’t talk anymore so go ahead and block me as usual.
His silent treatment when I anger him.
He said he wouldn’t block me , but he thought i was mean to him.
Thanks for listening I needed to get rid of that.
I still love him , but don’t want him to know it.
While reading your comment, i think you’re as crazy and narcissistic as he is. You are both using each other. SEPARATE ASAP!!!!
Thank you for this. I’m only 2 weeks into the breakup, which has been BRUTAL, and after telling me he never wants to see me again, he’s now insisting that we should be friends (that is, trying to get me to join his harem). It all makes sense to me now…we dated for 2 years, and he always had so many female friends, always kept in touch with his exes, and told me this was because he’s such a great, lovable guy. Come to think of it, he has virtually no male friends. Every month or so, a new woman would be texting a calling, and each time, he’d assure me she was just a “friend” or “work colleague” and that he NEVER cheated on ANYONE EVER. Well, that was the opposite of what he does. Once everything started to add up, his BS excuses got thin, and I got actual proof that he had cheated not only on me but also on his ex-wife, he dumped me, just like that. Told me to leave his home and never come back. I declined his invitation for friendship (though sadly, there is still a part of me that wishes he’ll change his evil ways and come back). This article was so relatable and made me understand even more about what this D-bag is all about and how I fell for his scam hook, line, and sinker. Never again!
Block him because if you stay, you deserve all the pain you get because you know who he is… Believe him.
Agreed the narcissist shows you who he is believe him, and he does not want to change. When you realize that the narc is not honest with many of the woman he sleeps with you realize he’s insecure, co dependent and a user and you deserve better
my narcissist/sociopath got a restraining order against me after i exposed his harem. i have not heard from him in over a year. hoping it stays that way.
YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!
How did you expose his harem? So my ex narc boyfriend dates this girl who is married. He cheated 7 out of 20 year marriage. When I texted his ex girlfriend to ask the status of their relationship and if what he said was true. He emailed me threatning to take legal action if I kept on harrasong him! LOL I was so devastated after the breakup that I sent him -I miss you- emails. So hes calling that harassment lol
He always kept a love triangle. I was so stupid to think that a person who cheated on his wife of 20 years can be faithful to me. When I asked him why he continued with the girlfriend. He said “she never said no, I was waiting for her to say no.” He is a 47 year old man. Each time I asked him questions about his past relationship he would get defensive and tell me how insecure I am and how I don’t trust him and hoe I keep dragging him through that making him feel like a horrible person. He is so good at charming tho! He said he knows hes the perfect boyfriend!
Ditto. Got a restraining order against me after I found out he had been lying his tail off and was plotting a really hurtful exit out of our very short marriage to be with a woman he had cheated on me with off and on during our relationship prior to getting married. I was so angry I threw his guitar outside.
What a fool I was.
I realize this is an old blog/post but this is where I am at the present time with my ex N. He has been juggling me for 3 years. I finally walked away. He begs for my friendship, lies about everything. Now he tries to keep me in this sick cycle by seeing her one day then hoping to see me the next. It makes my head spin. I don’t know who would want to be someones option but I have zero interest in it at all. Thank you for posting this because it put a lot in perspective for me.
Right on! You got it, babe! 2 years of being a narcissistic cop’s on-and-off supply; meanwhile, he had other sources of supply going. He has a son in his twenties, and the narcissistic cop that I dated felt so inferior and competitive to his abused, scapegoated grown son that he would try to attract women his son’s age, just as a proverbial knife to the heart of his own son to further torment the poor young man in the message of telling him that his son will never be numero uno and is nothing in comparison to his “wonderful” dad. He could never give his own son the spotlight. What an unhealthy way to look at your own baby. Smh. So, I was over 14 years younger than the narcissist cop that I dated, but that wasn’t young enough for the 50-something year old man: he had to torment the self-worth of his very own son by going after young, young women his own first-born son’s age. What a horrible, lowlife, shameful Pr*ck, right?
Smart to depart
Wow unbelievavable, my NARC was textbook. I left my husband of 30 years for this man and just now I am realizing that I fell for an illusion. It is heartbreaking and life changing. The only thing I can recommend is to become educated, knowledge is power, and take action. It is so hard to believe that someone actually did this to you. I still have a relationship with this man but the more I know the less it hurts and I can let go, wish me luck, it is hard.
I’m married and I now know that the man I’ve been having an ‘affair ‘ with for over 20 years is a malignant narcissist and that I’m a harem member.
He made me feel like I was the only one in his life and the sex was amazing. initially. I idolised him. However he showed no emotion, which only made me try harder to please him.
Years ago, I told him that I wanted to leave my husband ( so I could be with him). He told me to stay put as he wasn’t a nice man. This made we want him more. With hindsight, he did me a favour by saying this.
Last year, I was hospitalised for 7 weeks with a serous life threatening condition. It took me 7 months to recuperate. We spoke and texted during this time. When we eventually met for a coffee, he was very off with me. Then a few days later he told me he had a present for me, a beautiful bracelet (he never bought me gifts) and the told me that he wanted to remain friends as 7 months apart had put paid to any relationship..
I had mixed emotions but he kept in touch. He was having an operation and sent me a copy of the letter from his consultant which listed the risks in having the operation. The last sentence of the letter said that he was well aware of the risks but would consult his WIFE. I felt sick so challenged him on it. He admitted he had been married for 12 years and with her for 6 years before. I did not have any idea, he was that devious. He the told me he was having troubles with his marriage as he had been caught having an affair (took his gf on holiday and wife had him followed). This happened whilst I was in hospital. His wife left him and he’s hell bent on destroying her. He now tries to talk to me about his new g/f as I’m the only one he can talk too! My feelings after all these years mean nothing. I’m coming to terms with the man I idolised is a narcissist and an evil one at that. I feel ashamed that I allowed myself to be blinded and bamboozled for all these years. I will disappear from his radar – 20 years of an illusion- what a waste of time. Thank you for the opportunity to share this. I’m feeling stronger already.
Wow – you nailed it with this article. I dated a narcissist for 4 years and actually was the queen of the harem. Can’t believe looking back now at all I put up with to be with him. I went no contact two years ago and he continues to contact me (usually on my birthday) and I ignore it but this year I was tempted to write back. I went looking for an article speaking to this issue of narcissists not giving up and found your piece. Well, thank you! I will remain no contact. It’s scary how much this person pulls me even though I know how horrible he is and even though I’m now married to a wonderful man. Be strong people! No one is worth sacrificing your happiness and peace for!
Good luck. Be strong.
Keep being strong! This article has opened my eyes too…I read it when I want to relapse…and even the comments help!!
So strange because last year I met a narcissist, he wanted me to help him find women for his harem and potentially share a place with him while he messed around. I said no. This man told me that he is not going to stop behaving the way he does, that was all I needed to hear to stop having sex with him and to stay very far away. Almost 4 months now that I have not seen him and it’s a good thing.
In July 2016 I left the relationship after 2 yrs 7 months. In May I picked out engagement ring after he took me to Jared in Chino Hills. He has 2 children 11 & 16 years old his ex wife has a restraining order against him for 10 years. His last girlfriend got a restrainting order also after To stole from her. She even warned me as I began dating he’s a social path. His family mother & sister made her seem like the psycho ex.. I found it strange how we’d have parties and he’d invite girls over instead of men. We lived at his dad’s house because of his credit and owes $40,000 back in child support after being in prison. He thinks he’s above law not having to pay taxes and only works 2 times a week selling illegal stuff.I cooked, cleaned, and help him get sober and back in family business. He was always on social media and facebook posting pictures to boost his low self esteem. The whole time we were living together 2 yrs 7 months only had sex twice. I asked him to get psy help or see a doctor he refused. I wanted to have a baby he said your to old. I finally left. I started to clear my mind and solve this puzzle thought he was gay or closet gay. A month later he hooked up with Maria Earlywine who works at Chaffey college. Her friend reached out to me apologized because she wanted my life and had been talking to him on facebook. It’s funny because all his friends are laughing he’s taking her to same places and having her do everything that I used to do. They go into my job knowing I work there. It’s great that I closed that chapter his mother Yvonne is total narcasist cheers him on being first born, his sister was always up in our business and had to go on trips with us sleeping in our room yuck.. His dad left the mom 30 years ago after getting caught cheating he did it again to his next wife that he married from that Affair. The sad thing is his dad continues and the narcasist Frankie & sister cover up . 2017 here so glad now that I know warning signs
Wow,reading this really hits home. I recently ended a relationship with a narcissist after learning of his other girl friend, who he had been dating for some time before he met me, plus another girl that he was interested in. He told me these things like it was no big deal and wants me to be one of his partners, claiming monogamy doesn’t work long term and that he wants loving relationships with his partners. Never once did he apologize to me for his deceit. Of course, he still wants to be friends with hope for more and wants one last hurrah (read: sex). I am so torn and am having a hard time letting go, even though I know I deserve better! I find myself actually considering his indecent proposal to be one of his partners. Any advice would be deeply appreciated. Thank you!
Wholly shit I wish I could post what I sent him last year. I hadn’t even read this article and we were fighting cause I got the silent treatment and then he was in a relationship with an ex gf. I was like what is it the block and screw game! I said you have a harem don’t you? All your ex gf’s plus your yoga instructor is in the mix. I said what you get bored or your mood changes and you realize that life in life terms happens or she isn’t the life partner cause you don’t feel any different? So you are with someone for a couple of weeks and the cycle starts up again. Lol we was so mad at me!!! He called me a cum dumpster that’s all I ever was to him and a psycho bitch I hope you loose your house and told me to get my smelly vagina fixed. That is not true he just wants me to think that so I won’t find another man cause I’m embarrassed. Well I still see him and now it’s been 12 days no contact and I’m ok. But caught him in a blatant lie and he sticks to his story by putting me down calling me a crazy bitch, paranoid delusional thinking and he thinks I should be committed asshole
Well, I am recently trying to get out of one. He sought me out for two years prior but I was in a relationship. Then once I wasn’t he swooped on in and sweet talked me like no ther. Roses to my office you know the drill. Then the first lie came about never being married and then he was married and living with her. He said they were just friends and he married her to get money to help her become a citizen. Then Ok great. So I moved in with him in Summerlin Vegas and that was hell. Fighting non stop putting me down. Then I moved out. Still bullshit. Come to find out now he was texting my sister 2 years ago then now texting my best friend to sleep together. He is saying it was a joke. And then f course proceeded to call me all the names in the book just I am so pissed and hurt. I feel like I am living in a twilight zone
Meanwhile, every guy reading some of these comments is thinking “Wow, being ‘that guy’ sounds incredible! I wish I could have a ton of women fighting over me and on their minds constantly. Nobody ever writes 8 paragraph comments about how much they love their reliable, loving, monogamous husband…how do I be ‘that guy’, anyway?!”
You wouldn’t want to be “that guy.” Trust me.
What you boys don’t know is that narcissistic men land up alone because all the women cotton on to their abusive nature and leave… Oh and you will get killed by a jealous boyfriend or husband and more than likely get vd.
I just read this and it kind of made me laugh.
This guy I just stopped dating is exactly this kind of guy.
Me and a friend of mine have joked about his “harem”
And he doesn’t care that anyone knows. Only the new supply can’t know. Even though he parades the new one around. Shows her off. I thought it was kind of funny when we started dating that all his friends were adding me on Facebook. And then if they met me in person they would make it a point to post how awesome it was to meet me and how I was so cute or pretty or nice.
That’s what I didn’t understand was why they were kissing my butt. But I figured it out…because they wanted to get to know everything they could about me. There was a crazy ex and she was the worst. She was kicked out of the club for a few months and during that time she made sure to get everything she could on me.
That finally he had a tantrum and flipped out and took off and the crazy ex was his main body guard.
It was actually quite funny.
The part now that I think is that his new supply he stole from a friend of his. And then got mad that his crazy ex slept with his friend. Well didn’t you take his girl…who cares.
Its all a game. It sucks because most of these kind of men are really just insecure sad people. They won’t admit it unless they are trying to charm their new supply.
The new supply he has been parading around looks kinda like me too. Which I think is funny. Because he is trying to make me jealous and go running back to him.
But I don’t get jealous. Especially over a harem girl. Nice try. Lol
I would like to add , I hate seeing someone that has been in this type relationship , call another woman , that ends up with your ex names . We fell for it , hook , line and sinker . They are good at it . That’s what they do. Mine has shown back up today . I’m not biting . I’m in control now, of me . I plan to keep it that way .
When I first saw him from afar, I said to my friend: ‘Well he definitely sleeps around alot and looks like he does not give a damn about a thing ‘. Then I selected him to become my personal trainer. I didn’ t want to like him or fall for him. In the beggining I was quite indifferent to him so I felt safe. As time went by I was starting to fall. I found him extremely attractive (which is actually a true fact that he is physically very attractive) and saw some qualities in him that never found in other men. For three months he was in my mind constantly. I lived for the day that I would meet him and have our training.
I knew he was married with a kid but I also knew deep in my heart that this means nothing to him as he had already once left his wife and then got back. During our lessons, I could hear his phone conversations and I could say for sure from his tone, that it was women. Affairs.
Although I wanted him to like me, I did not do anything. I acted as though I did not care about him (but I am sure he could see that I was melting for him )and basically because it is not my style to chase men.
After the first 3 months, I could see that he felt insecure in front of me. He was looking if I was checking another men around and he started calling me to make our trainings more frequently. Until one night we went out and then we slept together. And then, that was it. My disaster began.
I have never had sex like this before. I wanted to become one with him, to melt inside him. He made love like he loved me more than anything. I knew that this happened because he had practised it alot. And that made me more sad. It was just sex for him. For me it was heaven. I stopped the trainings after a short while cause I could not handle the fact that I saw him flirting with other girls in front of me, even though we had sex the previous night. After one month and half of frequent sex enqaunters I told him to stop because I could not handle it at all. I wanted him and I knew I could not have him. I even asked him to reassure myself, so I could make the decision easier, if he had other women (apart from his wife ofcourse) and he said yes. I said goodbye. He kept calling. I succumbed.
To make a long story -of tears, saddness and depression- short, it’s been a year and a half and I still meet him for sex although I am aware for his harem.
The point for me is not to blame him as a narcissist or a jerk or whatever.. After all he was clear with me from the beggining that it was just sex he wanted. The point is to see why I accept behaviours and treatments like that, that eventually hurt me more than blossom me. I do not care if he is considered a sociopath or a psychopath or the worst narcissist ever. The point is why I let a man like that enter my life, my body and my soul.
I was taken by a Narc too. ALways knew something was very disturbing about him , but I somehow got put in charge of taking care of him and he took me for around 10,000.00. I literally supported him for a year. He is 68. He was very attractive when he was young but is an old man now. We never got along because I knew he was lying , cheating and using me. He turned everything around and blamed me for it. He was always the innocent one and I was the “crazy” one. LOL!
He wanted to be friends when we split. It was very important to him to stay friends. I told him NO. I didn’t want friends like him. We fought a lot because he pushed buttons and then when I reacted he would address my reaction as the problem and not his behavior. I think he made women up to make me jealous. He had lots of female “friends” he called everyone. I saw most of them as acquaintance on Facebook. Old GF and some that he chased after. He would show me pictures though and ask me if I thought they were “cute”! COnstantly trying to get a jealous reaction out of me. I think he makes up lies about his life. Like he is in Demand socially and he’s not. I told him one time I didn’t want any part of his Miserably life! After that he started making up lies about all the things he has been doing…
I saw him a year and we split when I constantly confronted him about lies. I hadn’t spoke to him for a year and I started again in April this year on and off. It was the same thing again. I told him he was a Text Book Narcissist and Raging alcoholic and one sick fuck!! LOL. He goes berserk when I do that! He blocked me everywhere. Thats a good thing. Wow! what an experience. I told him several times that I had heard of people like him but had never met one and seen what they were like in person. He would just stare at me silently. LOL! God Save us all
Oh my gosh, thank you! I have just been through this. One thing I can be grateful about is that I told him I could not be with a man who has a harem nor could I be friends with an ex who has hurt me the way he has. At least I new myself well enough to avoid joining the harem. They post pictures of him surrounded and I look at these women with a combination of rage (it’s still fresh) & disgust for how they enable him for crumbs. He has virtually no male friends.
I have just left the sad person I called my love. He was never going to give me any love or respect but I had to go through the pain to see it for myself. He keeps trying to come back by hoovering but I now know all his little tricks. Spends weekends with a cousin who has had a stroke another lie? Sick, sad little puppy how tormented you must be. You will never know the happiness a proper love can bring.
In the finale discard after ex Narc destroyed some of our property, threatened to kill me, slash my car tires and smash out the windows as he said “I want to make it so you can’t make it to work and get fired” and putting out house phone thru the wall after I attempted to call 911, he sat down and said “I am willing to put all of this behind us and be friends” I just looked at him like he’s crazy and I said “I’m good” which his response was “you’re just pissed off because I won’t fuck you anymore” They are just petty, violent, dangerous, lazy, selfish, dramatic creatures. He left me for someone else because “she accepted him” after all she was someone who just came out of an 8 year relationship with someone who cheated on her and she financially supported. She thinks the narc is in love with her and they have this sacred bond, but reality is he’s just using her and she’s stupid enough to allow it and he knows that. I got sick of the lies, deception, him not working, trying to control me, cutting me down, violent outbursts, the constant gas lighting and disappearing acts. So what better way than to seek revenge and show me that someone accepted all that. All the narcs want is a place to sleep, be fed, given money and not questioned about ANYTHING. Truly sick people, it’s a blessing in diguise when they leave, especially when I spent my whole marriage trying to find a way to leave of course each time I’d try he would play the suicide card, but when they drive you to the point of insanity with their abuse and you scream suicide they act in disgust for you to have such feelings. They are fucking crazy!
You drescribed to the T my relashionship with Xxxxxx X Xxxxxx.
I got involved with a Man in October 2015, I thought he was great, funny, and we had a lot in common. He was looking for a place to live because he was brutaly kicked out with his stuff litterally thrown on the stree. I couldnt understand why anyone would do that to him, he seemed nice nd people seemed to like him. He was not that attractive. I ffered him a room for rent in my very nice home. He said Money was no object, and wanted to see the room. A couple days later he text me”Hi Sweety!” I was wondering if I could come look at the that room. I said sure, I did think he was being overly friendly in the Sweety Phrase considering we were stragers. I was seperated from my Husband of 26 years, and fo rmany complicated reasons was still married, I was 17 when I met my husband he was 28. I Obviously was not in right mind looking back. I had a great Job, made a very nice living, and my Beautiful 17 year old daughter was also excited to have a roomate. We live in a very small town, And we have an outstanding reputation with the community after 30 years of hard work. I also gave him a job taking care of the maintnance end of 15 propwerties I had. I will admitt, I was very sheltered and naive, considering all I knew was, work, family, and marriage of 26 years. At first he was so greatful, always asking me if I knew how beautiful I was, and how great the things I was doing fo rhim, and he wanted me to know how much he appreciated hi. I fell so in love with him, I thought that maybe there was hope after all, he poaid me so much attention, and seemed to really like my daughter. It wasnt long after he started causing us a lot of problems, he drank too much, he would come home and yell and scream untill the wee hrs, I dont understand ehy I pout up with it1 🙁 My daughter was very sceptical by now and spending a lot of time away, I was upset with her because I knew he really wanted her to like him. He would appologize, and hold me. The nights were also hard, he had trouble sleeping, his ophone was always going off, and he was always on POF or some dating online site, it bothered me. He said he wanted to be friends with benefits after engaing in an intimate relationship with me. I agreed to it because I had been in a serious relationship for a long time and thought it would br good for me to go out on dates. When I would go out on dates, even though I never engaged in any physicall romantic affdairs, I would get accused of horrific things, when I was honest and tell him that I didnt do anything, he would become enraged, say” You are just like all the whores out there, another hole in the belt buckle, you dont know what love is, No wonder your family hates you, I shoul dhave listened to all your friends they warned me that you are Crazy. It hurt me a lot, I wanted him to realize, I was not the on ethat wanted to go out on dates, he encouraged it. I stopped, after three dates, it was too hard to listen to it every night. He would come home after work and if I complimented him after a haircut, he would look at me in a strange way and not respond, no thank you, nothing. He stayed up almost every night fo rweeks and would wake me all night long, I was drained, my work was falling apart as were my finances. He woul dcause argument with my daugter and claim he didnt do anything, she finally started yelling at him, after listening to him badger me untill 3 am and punched him in the face, I called my husband/ex and he came to get her, he threatned to call the police because mysteriously all our car keys went missing. As soon as my husband said he was calling the police he found the keys changed his tune and left. He acted like he didnt know what happened that night, I lost my daughter, she moved back in with her father. After that I thought maybe things would get better, we would be free to live our lives, have the house to ourselves, thinking the stres would subside with the battle between him and my daughter. It got wors. He would accuse me of having men in the house, and sleeping with them, almost like delusional. When I told him I had had enough and I wanted him to leave, he would get really nice, and say oh baby I cant stand the thought of loosing you come here lay down with me, he would hold me and I would feel better, like maybe things were going to be alright. It seemed like the same day every week, Thursday he picked a fight with me, it would be days of texting books about how horrible I am, and that everything was my fault, and that all his friends read the text and that I was abusive! He would say he wanted to work it out, I would leave fo rthose days Thursday Friday Sat Sun, because I couldnt take the yelling and I needed to work. My Employees saw a major change in me, I was tired all the time, Aniouse, deoressed, and had brusies I couldnt explain. I would tell them what was going on, and they couldnt understand whay I didnt throw his stuff out on the street. He would daily come home and say, I am done, its over, im out of here, thanks fo rplaying. It hurt me, I hated being left. But I would say ok, then leave please be my guest. When he would grab me and I would tell him he was hurting me, he would say what are you some kind of a China Doll? Or if my feeling were hurt he would say, My mother always said, if people cant take a Joke then they are not your real friends. He would say things like you may have been a giver at one time, but not any more you are a taker, I have never been told that in my life, it is in my nature to give. He would make me feel terrible about the amount of money I made, and yell ay me for it all the time. He would say he was working so much to try to contribute more to the house hold, he would offer me money, then the next day ask fo rit back, then throw a hundred dollar bill at me. I picked it up put it in the night stand only to have it dissapear, when I asked about it he claimed he knew nothin gof the sort, I spent three weeks searching high and low, specifically under the bed, because at one time the drawer went flying across the room. If I threatned to leave him, he would say I was ruined, my name was Mudd, no one would ever believe me, and they all think I am crazy, 🙁 One day there sat the hundred dollar bill almost like it was perfectly propped under the bed…. I looked there many many times. Around Valentines day, I threw him out, I had Ballooons, a card with a trip to MX in it he had no idea about, a surprise, Chocholates, The house cleane, me looking great and rested. He came in the door after going ot the bar and I could tell by looking at him that he had that :look” in his eye, when I asked what was wrong he came unglued, He was in a rage, yelling that I do nothing, while he works all day I do nothing. He was scary, in my face, finger pointing at me almost touching my nose. I said I was calling the Police, I wish I would have, I oretended to call the police and instead called a dear friend Stating I needed help, I honestly though the was going to punch me in the face. He imediatly “found his car keys” and left, he is definatly afraid of the Law. I was glad he was gone, and I felt safe again, I few weeks went by, after tons of abusive text, and his friends he was living with” Never really had a home” he went from couch to couch. She told me how depressed he was, and how much he mised me. I was sad. I missed him too, shortly there after he contacted me and I let him come see me. I tried really hard to be friends, but little by little it got more involved again, and he would do and say terrible things o make me feel bad. I finally ended it about two months ago, Why do I miss this kerk? Why do I want him to call/ text me so bad? There is no doubt he was way meaner than he was nice, but I still want him? This story isnt even the half of the horrible things he did to me. I cant think about or mention the rest. What I really wish fo rhim, is to not have onbe friend in this world/valley. I want him to hit rock bottom, On top of it, he is a criminal, driving with out priveleges, no insurance, drunk after many DUI’s he is wanted or in trouble in every stae, including Assult and battery, drugs exct. I have never been in trouble or even had a parking ticket, I dont know what I saw, or wanted, it didnt matter to me he had NOTHING to his name. I am messed up in the head! He also has a son he hasd never met. I try no to think about him, but it bothers me he is free, I lost my great home, I was too stressed to work, I lost my JOb, to tired and stressed to perform, My employees and friends couldnt take another day of what was happening. I go out looking great, seeming great, but on the inside im really suffereing. Why do I feel like having him back will make me feel better? I was fine when I met him. I wish I could just move on. This site is helping me alot. I read it all the time it reminds me of what I need ot do. Just need to do IT!
Sex creates soul ties that is why you find it hard to leave
I just spent 1 year with a vulnerable narcissist. At first I was heart broken when he said he wanted out. Then he asked if we could be friends. I almost said yes until I forced myself to look at the relationship with my head and not my heart. I realize that I put up with behaviors that if I loved myself I never would have tolerated. I caught him looking at naked pics. He said it had nothing to do with us and he loved me. Then everywhere we went he checked out every woman within a mile and when I called him out on it he told me it was totally my imagination!! And on and on with many other issues. So as much as you want to believe him and you think you love him he will never change. Never !!! So either stay and put up with behavior you do NOT deserve or get the hell out and start living your life !!!
I spent 8 grueling awful years with one. All the red flags were there from the get go. Bla bla bla right. I finally had to move and not let him know where I moved to. Funny when I think back he bothered me with texts for months then one day disappeared. I knew why so I looked and Bam new supply. Pictured splashed of him and his new supply all over facebook. Funny how they do not care how stupid they look. Poor gal. The only reason he took up permanently with her is he needed a new first in line gal as I had been in therapy a little to long for him to keep up his bullshit with me and decided to go no contact. I still struggle with the low self esteem from his mental abuse and have anxiety and PTSD but that’s OK. I’m not being used and can sleep at night. I won’t have another relationship as I have no trust for others now but that’s OK because I prefer peaceful to chaotic. I feel bad for the girl he’s with and sometimes wish I could warn her but that would be helping his game and I won’t do that to many years of counseling.
I recently got dumped by a narcissist. He and I were together for 8 months. We met online and he pursued me quickly. After the 3rd date, we were in a relationship. He was funny, charming, the life of the party, part of a fraternity and always the main guy in all of his social circles. Being a journalist, he had journalist friends all over the country. He and I ended up getting serious. I was over his place every weekend and he was over mines 1-2 times a week. Being that he worked and I was at his place all the time, many times without him being there, I figured I was the only one. And to this day, I dont have confirmation if he has ever cheated but I do suspect.
My self esteem has been destroyed by this man, who refused to have sex with me whenever I initiated. It was only when he wanted to. He made me feel unattractive and never complimented me (except when would send him pics for validation) never in person. This lack of attention and flattery caused me to find new ways to seek validation. So I would buy us tickets for concerts, clothes and basically plan things like vacations that I knew secretly would never happen.
The reason why we broke up ultimately is that after a night at a a club, I tried to come on to him and he kept talking about the girl dancing near us with her man and muttered how every guy was looking at her and blah blah and how he would just tell the guy she was dancing with to take her home and have sex. Yet he did not have sex with me that night. I was upset the whole weekend and after an awkward weekend of barely talking, he gave me the silent treatment. After a week, I sent an email, no response. Then I sent a text and he said that he is not feeling it anymore and I am now who he pictures his wife to be like. We went at it and said some harsh words to eachother. I suspect, he was into T girls, so I sent him a picture of one and said I forgot this is your type. He ended up insulting me and mentioned that I have low self esteem and no one would marry me. It ended at that and this was last Friday.
I am surprisingly handling this as best as I could. The last time we broke up 3 months, I caught him on the dating site we met on talking to a t girl, a fake profile I created. I took him back, despite my better judgement because he promised to get off dating sites an work on our intimacy. I also went on his computer one day and found loads of pictures with him and exes, all of whom I know of through looking on facebook. But one, I found out, his most recent ex he works with at his journalism job. All of this has led me to think of all of the times he sort of told me who he was.
I remember him saying that there are loads of women in NY who hate his guts and how he is a mystery, he doesn’t even understand himself. All of these signs are there ladies, they are very mysterious and they don’t ever like to deal with confrontation. They move relationships very fast, may even ask to have a baby! He one day completely ignored me while we were out and embarassed me in public while I kept running after him. He also strikes up conversations with anyone who he sees as important, attractive, has a wandering eye, very flashy and wants all brand name clothes, louis vuitton, gucci, fendi versace etc. He never gets concerned about me when I go away or out with friends. He simply just doesn’t care. And I am sure he has a trail of women lined up now that I am gone.
Overall, I think there is a good person there, we had great times, laughed and I though of him as my best friend and love. (Although sometimes wondered if he really loved me, or just said it just to say it). Stay strong ladies!
It’s not easy is it?
My husband left me for a prostitute 6years ago and I met Mr NPD 6 months later (of course that wasn’t his name until just last week when it all fell into place). His wife had just left after 40 years from age 14, the psycho bitch who loved him really but only left because she “was found out” and obviously would come back if he gave her the chance
So there we were, first sixonths were great and he left me, briefly for his ex sis in law (she needed money every month, he provided it, he was wonderful) but then he “realised” his mistake and quickly (matter of days) rushed back to me. All good amazing holiday, came back and he went quiet and very off and then it ce out all his family thought I was mad and hated me and he couldn’t see me again. Devestated isn’t the word
Several months later we got back together, me believing it was my fault told it was my fault, the way I looked at his family (?), I’d been married twice what a slag (still believe that one) but being a mug (hindsight is a wonderful thing) we got back together . The next time he left was for the mother of his sons friend, everyone loved him for that but it didn’t work and Yep mugging here was convinced to try again. Had the best 8 months only clouded by his constant visits to his ex mother in laws house where he was “indispensable” even taking her to the ideal home show and laughing when someone said was that he toyboy
Then we went on holiday, best holiday ever, can you guess what happened? Yes he went back to the sons friends mother! Fine on the sunday, in her bed Monday! Turns out she’s an alcoholic who can’t live without him.
Occasional text in the last two years, phone call, pop round for tea. Occasional sex when he says they’ve split up etc and I said no more. So he “persuades” the alcoholic to sell her house and buy a new one a way from here movies and friends and he will move in, which he does but them she gets drunk again and again and ends up in rehab for the third time since she’s known him
Meanwhile I’m being texted, it’s over. I should have been with you, it’s my fault, I don’t deserve you etc. 7000 texts in three months. Buying me gifts, weekends away, looking at houses but saying “the alchy has just text me” etc
I’m wiser this time and I have a feeling , when he says he has to pop round there to discuss money I think”here we go again”. And then again! And then he says “I think I want to go back to her, she needs me
Been 2 weeks now, no contact, blocked him every where I can. Tried talking to her but nope I’m a psycho bitch who just wants him back
Nope I’m an intelligent woman who got taken in by a conman when I was just getting divorced. Fortunatly I didn’t sell my house and move to where I know no one waiting for his highness to visit, I took the dress back he bought for me to wear to a wedding and got a credit note because I’ll choose my own, but do I feel stupid? Useless? An idiot? That I won’t trust anyone again? Too right I do& angry, but mostly I feel sorry for the alcoholic lady. But I’m just a psycho ex remember
My experience with a Narc began 7 months ago and I started planning an escape after the 1st month. I didn’t succeed because just like many of you, I was continuously hoovered back in. It started with a visit to my home to fix an appliance. I was on a 6 month dating hiatus after a horrible breakup from a former N. The new one was very unique in his tactics. He flirted and i was flattered. I was also grieving my dad’s passing and supporting my mom while she was in hospice. I was sore with raw emotions from grieving and dealing with my sick mom. In retrospect, he smelled the vulnerability and acted on it. We had instant chemistry and both slipped into an encounter of extremely passionate intimacy. He seemed hooked and I was definitely hooked. After the 3rd day of bliss and getting to know me (he was secretive) he told me that he would be leaving town for 4 days to visit his girlfriend. Needless to say, I was livid. I asked, why didn’t you tell me before that you had a girlfriend? I suffered with guilt and feeling like a slut. I called and cried to him and he advised me on how to get through it. He said he’d be back soon. I don’t think he understood how evil his behavior was. I instantly thought he may have been a gigolo. I was stuck because we hit it off so well in other ways and the chemistry was so strong. He purposefully addressed certain emotional and physical sweet spots to keep me hooked. He was caniving and cunning. The encounters went on for 7 months with him visiting his long distance girlfriend once a month. Throughout the time I broke it off then couldn’t handle it and called him back each tim. I was addicted. I felt like I had been raped during my time of grieving. I felt like less than a human. Tge pain was unbearabke. I never knew they could be so evil. I am an educated woman and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get out. He charmed me into friendship after a while with the rollercoaster emotional experiences then sweet-talked me into bed then I felt badly about myself and cried, expressing my feelings to him. His cold responses made me realize more and more that I was in a vicious never ending cesspool cycle and unless I found the strength to get out, I’d self-destruct. I was afraid I would have a problem functioning normally and finally started to see a therapist and that helped a little. I continued working on it and finally came across this blog. It has been life changing for me. My N and i are in friend mode and he enjoys trying to flaunt his girlfriend to me after i screamed at him one day and ran him away then he moved in with her. That helped me to begin mentally prepare for a complete and permanent cease of communication or contact. I am feeling strong enough to ignore his contact attempts after reading the blog and comments. Thank you.
I am trying to end an almost two year relationship because of the so called special attachments he has with at least two ex’s that I’m aware of. He does odd jobs and gets paid for them by one ex he calls his best friend and at one point he had considered marrying. Ive actually met her and at first was trying to accept the friendship till I realized they have an emotional attachment. They will go for lunch, pretzels, and ice cream whenever she has emotional breakdowns and or needs to vent. Then there’s the ex wife and ex in-laws that he still goes out of his way to do work for and NOT get paid for. He’ll even borrow the ex in-laws vehicle to drive to the state his ex wife lives to do household repairs. I’ve vocied my opinion and dislike along with feeling disrespected but he seems to not care. He tells me its different and that’s not how he was raised. My therapist is the one who referenced him to a collector of ex’s and upon doing research I found out about Harems and felt that’s exactly what I’m dealing with. I have a great career and take care of my finances yet once thought we had a future till I realized he shows no ambition to a future. Why should I have to support someone who just wants to just make it when I want a better future? I got out of a 20 year marriage where I didnt have a future and was alone for half of it yet feel the same way now.
Haha…sure enough, the guy I had been dating tried to offer me friendship after I lost patience with his games and called him out. I declined, and this was before I even started doing research on narcissists and realized what he was…thank god for that. Part of me wanted to accept, but I’m a pretty stubborn person and felt like like I would be throwing away my integrity by accepting that offer.
Omg! I never knew the definition of what my husband truly is, as I’m reading my mouth is droppinh more and more! His family tried to warn me and I ignored them, people from our neighborhood tried to warn me, and I ignored them! My Narc, actually went as far as to Marry me and still do all the things a Narc does and I fell for it like a dumb ass!! He holds on to two ex’s that will always take him back no matter what he does to them, no matter how bad he hurts them, no matter how many lies he tells and gets caught, their both still right there when he calls, now I am doing the same thing as them and it’s literally killing me behind this! I lost my hair, all my weight, and honestly all this stress, heart ache, and pain changed my looks! I look tired and worn out like a wrung out wash cloth! And every time I get strong enough to leave him and move on, he does something to reel me right back in so that I can be used as his Queen piece on a chess board! And what’s even sadder than that I believe in him every time that he’s going change and once again he smacks me back to reality and my husband’s true colors show! PLEASE HELP ME OR SUGGEST TO ME HOW IN THE HELL DO I GET OUT OF THIS SO CALLED MARRIAGE AND ACTUALLY STAY AWAY AND NEVER GO BACK!!
These are some of my coping strategies
I dont have sex any more ( blame menopause or any other excuse )
I spend as little time as possible with him . Never go out with him .
When he rants I sometimes secretly record it to play back and remind myself I deserve better.
If he doesnt get a response to his ranting and character assassination of me he does the silent treatment … bliss.
I’m saving and planning.
I make time when he is not around to do stuff just for me. Reclaim my self respect and lose respect for him.
Remind myself of who I was before him and feel determined to bring her back .
I dont love him any more
Sometimes I pity him.
I acknowledge that the harem members will never mean anything to him, like I don’t.
I stopped obsessing about who he is messaging . I dont care.
I keep telling myself I am on a countdown till the kids are away at college and not living in the crossfire when I go.
I dont answer all his calls . When I do I cut it short saying there is a bad connection.
No sex and as much time apart as possible is the best strategy for me .
I hope you can find what works for you x
Mine actually had the audacity to want to talk positive after we were broke up 7 mo. to get together and tell me he still sees his ex who’s married, but now it’s just comfortable, they’re friends according to him. He loves me and wants to make a life with me. Knows he has to break all ties with her and will shortly, he has to do it his way. She had him arrested 3 years ago and his probation is almost over and he will break ties to her shortly. I was in shock and disbelief that this was still going on a year and a half after I originally found out. We were going out 6 mo. and I realized he was seeing her the whole time. Well when I didn’t have a positive reaction to our “talk” he says, “That’s what I get for being honest, I should have not told you anything.” Who would be okay with this crazy logic?!
This page is really opened my eyes I’m currently in a marriage with a narcissist. I’m emotionally and physically broken I have three children and am in love with this man that at one point in my life that he was the one I would grow old with. Now I’m scared confused depressed, lost for words wanting to know why and how a human can destroy another’s life, play mind games, break my heart, mentally blank me up. WHY I ASK MY SELF DAILY????. I ask God why? What did I do to deserve this. This man that I’m in love with that I would walk threw fire to save our marriage, Just if he would wake up and realize what he is doing to to our family. Why does he truly hate me. Our kids are suffering he can’t see that. Every one I know says leave him but I’m old fashion and don’t believe I. Divorce I don’t want my kids to grow up with out there father but I don’t want them to end up like him eaither help. Is that even possible ??? I’m 33 and totally alone.
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 8 years. And I’m not just labelling him a narcissist because I feel like it: he was clinically diagnosed after he sought psychological help because of his difficulty in dealing with his father’s death. That diagnosis made a lot of sense of a lot of things for me. In any case, your description of hoarding people was very accurate here: there were innumerable exes, currents, and probably futures he was in contact with, always hedging his bets. This is while we continued our relationship and had a daughter together. But that’s not really why I’m writing – this is the first comment like this I’ve ever written, on any site. I’m writing to say, if you’re reading this, and this is the kind of guy you are with: get out now! End contact! This really is a case of the sooner the better. I don’t know why I hung on to such paltry love for so long, but once I ended it, life started happened again. I no longer had to listen to his negativity and I met a really sweet guy who I’m still with. When you’re with a “normal” guy after being with a narcissist, the only way is up. It’s just so so so so good. A guy who can communicate with you, respects your feelings, wants to make long-term plans, who is truly affectionate and loves you completely. From my experience, when you’re with a narcissist, you become convinced that such guys don’t really exist. They do. And they are way more common that narcs. So get out and be happy. 🙂
I’ve come this conclusion several times and 5 years later, cheated on, mistreated, and lied to over and over again, I am here arriving at the same conclusion as many others have stated. He was so good at manipulating me that I did not even know I was manipulated. I kept rationalizing his behavior away. And I think I have finally learned the lessons I was supposed to learn: I don’t need him, I am lovable and I deserve to be treated well and other people will, it’s not me, it’s really him, and thank goodness, I dodged this bullet. Grief, I welcome you now because I know it’s for the last time for him. Thank you to all the girls that are currently flaunting themselves at him. I really appreciate you taking him away from me. Don’t stop. Love and strength to us all <3
NARCS guy/girl any age Don’t Change! accept that…
7yrs I wasted money, time, energy, missed opportunities on my ex bf NARC…. he left me in debt, no car basically BK to square 1. I left him alone in my shattered state. Hoovering he did I kept going forward, forcing myself.
oh yea the youre the one, love of my life, you me together forever blah blah
he finally stopped yep new supply same pattern…. rinse&repeat…
they will kp all their contacts, SM accounts, thy love Fakebook yes fakebook. Exes, Strangers ,Co-workers , Kids, Family, THYRE ALL in the cycle…
NARCS claim they get bored but they do exactly the Same thing over&over&over, fact.
Supply? whstever they need THATS the supply, period. No they dont love the new supply, no theyre Not happy
trust me THYRE scheming already, fact….
Oh an holidays? Their bdays? Lay it on thick they do, then after all th. Posting on SM? they chill then gear up for summer mode, rinse&repeat….
No they dont think ABT you, No you’re not special, Nobody is special to the NARC, period. just temporary supply&high, they just kp gng…
They don’t grow, feel, progress ever…
As they get older their tactics they’ll hve to try harder it ain’t cute to be a user, loser in your 40’s-50’s….
N/C is the biggest insult to a NARC!!!!
they always have a supply, THYRE looking always, fact.
remember rinse&repeat… supply, supply, supply…
read, cry, get mad, journal, use these sites to heal, gain strength.
painful yes…. don’t give them any attention
all that GLITTERS isn’t gold w/new supply…
remember we’ve been there done that!!!!
Narcs are hollow, insecure, users&losers!!!!!
were worth it! lesson learned!
wre ok, being single. its ok,waiting for a decent love, friendship its coming
blessings to all***
I do really want to thank you Savannah from the bottom of my heart. Even with 2 therapists telling me he ead N and to have no contact and my brothers, sister, best friend…it still didn’t make sense to me. This website is what brought understanding to my relationship with this man. I have never felt such conflict and confusion in my life. You and your articles hit home so much and helped me see what was happening. Much love and thanks. I feel my life had been saved.
I have not posted in a long while but I’ve been reading every new article. I have reread some of my posts and am in shock at what i wrote and how i sounded in those posts. I read in others posts how they still love their N. I remember feeling that same way. Now it seems like another world to me. I can’t even fathom that i ever thought i love him. I have no anger or hatred any more. To me now he is sad pathetic little man. Oh it hasn’t been easy. This past year was a living hell as he pursued me heavily, talking me into traveling with him, me lying to my family about my involvement with him. I even was intimate with him some what. I was proud at least i said no to intercourse but a little intimacy made me feel horrible. Finally after nearly a year after my first attempt at no contact, i am finally there. I don’t love him now and never will again. I don’t respond to him at all. I never will respond again. I’m free. The peace is beautiful. Life is still hard and scary. But I’m becoming me again and working on me. Love to all. You deserve so much more than these pathetic souls can give you. Savannah…thank you
My ex Narcissist did this to me for a couple of years. I would break up with him – he would “future fake” me and talk about how he was going to change and I was the only “girl who had his heart”… I fell for it everytime. Though the last straw was when he assaulted me and he is now going through the police court system for it – the only way I’ve managed no contact is a protection order through the police! If I didn’t he still would have been contacting me – though he’s online dating again looking to build his harem. Anybody involved with someone putting you through this – they aren’t worth it not for one second please try and let them go for good. It’s not easy I know, but leaving with a sense of dignity is better than being in their harem available when he needs something – We’re all better than that.
Thanks for posting this! You’re telling the story of my current situation. I guess I’m in rotation with my narc. We were in a relationship for over a year. After several D&D’s I went no contact for 2 months and he successfully hoovered me back. Only to find out he has been with other women and its devastating to know he moved on so quick. He would never admit this was the case and no we off/on taking ever 2 weeks. He hoovers me back with future faking and how much he loves and and how these other girls he has been with doesn’t compare to me and I’m the only person that has his heart. The a day later he doesn’t answer his phone but sends text. Wtf!!! I figured out the pattern now when he isn’t doing well or maybe loses a sources of supply he comes back to me. I feel like I’m starting the healing stages all over again. I ask him to stay out my life but he keeps coming back. This is so frustrating I want to stay no contact from this heartless bastard.
I just love this site, amazing and such helpful information! Thank you for all that you do.
I have a couple questions.
-Is it common for a son to become a narcissist if his father is? I just broke up with a narcissist (who was an only child) and after reading more about this his dad was defiantly one too. His dad cheated on his mother their entire marriage. My ex bf claimed to be very against this but ended up cheating on me several times. It seems he despise so much about his dad but ends up doing and caring about the same things his dad does.
-Other question. Do narcissist typically get into relationship with another narcissist? I informed my ex bf’s other gf that we had both been seeing him. She didn’t care and believes his lies, she was very smug about it. I realize they are still in the initial phase where he is pretending to be the perfect guy and showering her with love but she had no interested in what I had to share with her. It leads me to wonder if she is also a narcissist and do relationships usually work out when two narcissist are together?
Thank you for your help and all that you do!
I just wanted to Thank You for making this site and providing all this helpful information. I recently ended a relationship for the millionth and final time with a Narcissist. A good friend of mine shared your website with me and it has been life changing. I get chill’s when I read your articles b/c they are word for word my exBF the narcissist. Everything is so much clearer to me now and I don’t feel crazy!
It’s just too bad that when I informed his “other gf” that we had both been in relationships with him, she was ok with it and believed his lies. She has a long road a head of her and I’m so glad this road has ended for me!
I’ve been seeing a narc 3 years on and off. He’s broken up with me five times. We recently just split yet again. I can’t believe I’m in this situation and feel sad that he’s ended it yet again. This time I deleted his cell number so I wouldn’t break down and contact him. He now texts me every third day or so mad as hell, blaming me for everything when he’s the one that’s ended it. He insults me verbally without any thought or consideration. He’s blamed me for everything that has ever gone wrong with us and show no compassion, feeling or sympathy. He focuses on all the negative qualities about me but never the good. When i voice how I feel he gets angry and argumentative and says I have no right to feel the way I do and makes it about him. Why? Why is it everyone he ends it with me it turns into such anger and conjures up these thoughts in his head which simply not true? I have lost me self worth, confidence and am just tired. I’m depressed and feel worthless. Just when I start feeling better I get an agry text and back down I go. I think about him all the time wondering where I went wrong and how I could fix things. Why? Why would I want this man in my life when he treats me like crap? I feel so alone.
Lola, you’re exactly right. Thanks for the insight. He just wants ME to want HIM. I’ve ignored and unfollowed him on FB, but he still tries to let me know he’s there. I put a picture of my son on this morning and within minutes, he liked it. I remember he always spent too much time worrying about who was paying attention to his FB posts (red flag). I think it’s also funny that, while we were dating, he got annoyed at me for commenting on a post about somewhere we went. He did not want anyone to know he was dating a single mom!! Anyone who’s never been married or even lived with a woman at the age of 43 has some serious issues. He got panicky when I wanted him to meet my son after 6 months. He told me he could see us “dating into our 50s”, but refused to let anyone he knew was dating me. I was the first single mom he ever dated and probably his last. Lol. He’s now with a much younger woman who has no kids. She can keep Peter Pan!!!
This post really struck as I dated a narc and it’s been over a year since things ended. He strung me along and put carrots in front of me and then never followed through with with things. He would constantly make excuses and would never let me get involved with friends/family and would not involve himself with mine. If he felt me slipping away, he would always pull me back in with a breadcrumb. I finally demanded what I wanted and he offered me his “friend card”. I declined it, but he still “likes” everything I put on FB. I’ve unfollowed him, but he’s still trying to keep a connection. Savannah, it’s amazing how they can never break the bond and need you for supply. He’s been dating someone else for the last year and I think it’s strange that he’s still trying to get my attention. I guess it’s typical narc behavior, yes?
This is the 1st article on this site I read and I regularly check the comments. What your ex is trying to do is to get you to want him. I learned that these guys don’t really ‘want’ us, they want us to want THEM. So by trying to gain your attention he is hoping you’ll see it and remember him and implant himself into your brain, even though these guys are lazy and probably don’t even think that heavily about it.
They keep you and other harem members around for when something goes bad in their current relationship or if they’re just bored.
When I had a guy do the same thing (discard), I immediately blocked him and didn’t give him that satisfaction.
My ex is a narc. He calculated his exit by using me to help him reduced his child support (I work in the court system ) and filed motion after motion against his ex wife as a revenge because he found out that she told me about his other 4 marriages that I never knew about. I found out 4 days before his move out date that he has been cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. Not even an apology from him when I confronted him and he even called the cop on me at MY house when I confronted him and told him that he owes me an apology.
He moved out 3 weeks ago, no contact for 2 weeks until he contacted me again trying to get me to help him with child support matter because the same ex wife now wants to change the child support amount on what he defaulted her on. I told him never to contact me again and that he and his ex girlfriend (now girlfriend ) deserve each other.
I am so withdrawn and numb right now living this and I’m 44 he is 33. Why didn’t I know better? I lost my husband of 20 years he passed 5 years ago and this is how I get treated by someone else? All your stories I know them.
I’ve been involved with two in my time. One on and off for five years and another for eight months. Both happened to be bad times in my life usually after health issue or break up with someone I shouldn’t have walked from.
Anyway the last was probably the worst. I was approached by him at a bar. At first I thought he was creepy. But over a few months of talking he was ok. Eventually things took off. And as a somatic narcissist who later I find many odd things that I should’ve walked away it made sense. He came from a family who was into swinging. Abuse. He was molested. He would be proud of the fact his mom taught his how to manipulate. He was married but told me otherwise. Stories of exes were crazy or the stories spun. He kept me pretty intoxicated at times when he told the stories. See where it is going here lol? Three months in I found my self fighting over this man… He has kids from his marriage. Said he couldn’t be with me had to save money for his kids- he was at the bar playing pool while texting me this. I said well if that was the case why are you at the bar. But it was near vday and he was trying to make a break to get away from responsibility. This should’ve been another strong indicator to run. A couple weeks later his car broke down and he started his seasonal job. I helped him at first. His car was good for a bit then one night i insisted we go out for a bit and he said ok with a struggle of course. He got pulled over for being suspended in another state which he claims he had no idea. It may have been true or not. Guess who stayed to drive him around and then this is where he gets nasty.
First month of steadily being around each other was awesome
Slowly but surely he started condescending remarks. Suddenly I went from best cook to worst house wife ever. I said well then do it yourself. And I’m not even your wife so deal. Then I got another job and he stared asking my schedule at first it was odd but I didn’t think into it. My friend found his pof and swinger match sites. I confronted and he said it was from the past. Which may or may not be true. A few weeks later we made a false account on one called I fuck you and guess who replied. I was in shock. To keep the peace I helped him didn’t offer more then that then suddenly my car had an issue. The abuse got worse. I started to look elsewhere for emotional help more then any.He threw me from cars I was a whore a cunt you name it. One day I asked to borrow his car which normally wasn’t an issue even if I was upset and he dangled the keys and took them away. I walked home. A good four miles to clear my head. The next day he said he couldn’t do it anymore and offered the friend card. Little did I know his friend was on and off again for many years and I recall a claim he made that he gleefully said she’d go to jail for me- that’s a good woman. I was like she has self esteem issues and he laughed said I knownitsnfunny right?
The day after we ended it and were I his mind friends he wanted me to come over for a romp. I told his to F off. Somehow a coupe weeks later he lured me back.
He got wind that a friend well a acquaintance of his was trying to date me. He ended that quickly but confronted said he never said a word
Then a holiday came- he did want to hang out all that week- suddenly he got real sweet- I should’ve known what we coming.
I had some of his stuff in my car. We went to a camp ground the next day he got some kind of drug and was like would you I said no dude I’m thirty those days are over (he’s 32.) suddenly he was on the phone with a “friend” and suddenly he didn’t want to do the party with me before hand. I had little flags pop up. The next couple weeks after I started getting hints and did my own research. He would deny things that wee literally in front of me. Condom wrappers, cars, hair. I mean dude come on.
Friend car pulled again when his kids couldn’t be covered – that’s when I said it’s ok I been seeing someone anyway. I was “fired”. I laughed and said honey you can’t fire me I quit.
I could go on and on with the shit I found and that aha moment struck like there’s something wrong with this dude. He would say odd things for no reason. He was strange. Glad to have a loving person now.
This, these blogs is what i needed. I’ve read almost everyone of them and Sav when you write about yourself it sounds like I’m reading my own words and thoughts. My jaw is still on the floor, I cannot believe this is a ‘thing’. The way i’ve observed my narc, what it was about him I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I couldn’t seem to figure him out. I knew something was wrong, with him, our relationship and me but I couldn’t figure out why I stayed, why I thought that this was ‘normal’ and maybe if I showed him more love and support things would change. I knew i was codependent, i was raised with 2 alcoholic parents. I knew i had to stay away from men that show addictive personalities. Thats why I felt ok with this guy, he wasn’t an addict, but why did i feel my codependent tendencies coming out with him?? Why was i so obsessed and unwilling to let go and allow myself to be treated this way?
Then i read somewhere codependents usually find themselves in relationships with alcoholics, addicts or narcissists. So i started reading more about narcissists, could it be true? was this him? The way i would do nice things for him, cook him dinner clean up support him emotionally and financially. He never showed appreciation, it was almost like that was the way it should be and there was never a ‘wow thanks for being so nice and caring’ moment for him. I spoke to his mother about this and her words ..’yeah its like a sense of entitlement he has, i don’t know he’s always been that way since he was young’. WOW i wish i would of known all i know now about a narcissism. this just explains everything. the lack of empathy, he treated his family and friends like shit, would ignore them and only talk to them when it was convenient for HIM. he would do the same things to me. When i talked to him about it and tried to explain how his actions effected other people, how he was hurting them and me he actually broke down and started crying .. and then later followed it up with ‘i know i hurt people but what can i do’
i LOVED him, and i still do. he was a sweet good hearted person (or so i thought) he was so much fun and we would just laugh and laugh. he was charming and how a personality that just drew you in. We did everything together, he was my best friend i have never felt this kind of connection with any one else. but he would never ‘commit’ . he played me the friend card, he wanted me just where he had me but damn well knew he was never going to give me the relationship and commitment i deserve. and yet i stayed and only gave me more.
What was the last straw for me? His harem. he would randomly mention past girls, how’d he’d met her online or on FB. There were a lot of other women from what I could tell, but we were together almost 24/7 so at the time I thought I was the only one. (we met from online dating) one day he left his FB signed on on my computer. Oh the messages. over 800 FB friends and just about all of them being women. Do not ignore this red flag. Your worst fears are probably true. He was adding girl after girl and messaging these strangers, asking for more pics or dates and phone numbers. it was insane. One in particular I had saw her name pop up on his phone before, and he was telling her he wanted to see her, and making plans go go stay at her house .. this just days after he had been with me and my house and he had been intimate. I could not believe it, and i found all of this right after he admitted to me that he loved me and did want a relationship with me. he wanted to be a good boyfriend to me. And then i caught him doing this. After days of arguing and fighting the blame was still never really on him. he was sorry, and these girls were just ‘friends’. I mean he literally tried to make me believe this, like i was that dumb? He never said he would stop though. he didn’t want to lose me and eventually did want a real relationship with me but only after he was over some other things going on in his life. he wanted us to stay friends like we were .. but continue to talk to this other girls. he was asking to hang out with me like all of this was nothing, no big deal. he once even said ‘so i was talking to a couple of other girls its not the end of the world.’.. !!!! …. I knew nothing about narcissism at this point. now looking back man i wish i would have known. all of this makes sense now. He told me it had nothing to do with me, and he wasn’t trying to hurt me, he doesn’t have many friends and talking to other girls made me feel better. Now i get it, the supply and attention. And the lack of empathy. Exactly it wasn’t about me, because he is unable to think about others’ feelings and how his actions might affect them. It was all about him. Everything was, all. the. time.
but the biggest issue i have is why did i allow this? i always knew in the back of my mind he was a player, i knew he wasn’t what i truly wanted from a guy yet i didn’t stop. in fact i chased after him, i craved him and all of this chaos. it was like a drug i couldn’t stop. i needed to win him over, i was the girl that would be different. i’m absolutely crushed, mad at myself for allowing it to get this bad. the anxiety i have now, knowing that the reason was i am codependent and my perfect match was a narcissist. no i didn’t find a really sweet fun guy who just had some issues, I went for the worst kind of guy, especially for a codependent. and the almost withdrawal like feelings i have being away from him. its only been a week of NC and times i have to force myself not to call him. i have to keep reminding myself why i am doing this. i miss my friend i had in him, my companion … but i know now none of that was ever real. I was a huge source of supply for him, the perfect partner because i fed his need for attention and admiration while having no self respect and letting him have me on his terms. i’ve been having panic attacks and feeling physically ill because reality is finally setting in. I know i have to take it one day at at time and work on me, but i know it is not an easy task that lays ahead. i’m lost and heartbroken and angry and sad and all of it. its almost like who am I?
Whats most scary is that now knowing all of these about him, seeing him for who is really is, a narcissist stuck like this forever. never really going to have a close intimate relationship with someone, always going from girl to girl with his anxieties and fears. Using people and throwing them away .. his suicidal thoughts he’s talked to me about multiple times. it makes me SAD for him.. i feel bad for HIM. Isnt that nuts?? After all he’s done to me and treated me, there’s that codependent in me coming out and wanting to go to his rescue. its comforting and saddening at the same time to know me or anyone else can help him. I’m just scared. Scared i’ll let myself fall right back into it his trap or just find someone else and not see the same signs. I don’t know what the future holds, it just feels like i need to hold on tight and pray and hope I’ll be okay.
I experienced a breakup with such a person over 23 years ago. We dated 6 months. The last time I saw him at his boat-six women showed up and he took out the boat so they could water ski. He ignored my requests to return to shore such that I could use the restroom. He didn’t ask me if I wanted to leave the dock in the boat. I felt peace about never seeing him again. I enrolled in college courses.
He contacted me about a month later. I met him and he had nothing to say. I told him I was busy going to college and didn’t have time to date. I left without him saying a word. I was single living alone and experienced someone picking my locks to gain entrance everywhere I moved. Every entry door promptly had latch bolts added. He brought his son to trick or treat to my doorstep ( I didn’t realize it was him until later). Coworkers asked me if I had any problems living alone-I told them what I was experiencing. I thought there question was odd. Later coworkers informed me that the person who was breaking in worked there. I thought this was even odder. I was shopping at the market and was accosted and solicited by someone. I found a friendly coworker and began a conversation with him on the basis that someone was bothering me. I told people at work a crazy person bothered me at the market and this friendly coworker gave me some peace.
My supervisor told me there was something going on that put me on the top of the layoff list that I could not control. I thought this keeps getting odder. I searched the email address list and found he worked there. I called his extension and asked when he started working there. He would not answer and acted like he was upset I contacted him. My mail was stolen out of my mailbox and the police officer told me the perpetrator said it had nothing to do with me personally. I thought this is getting even odder. I installed a locking mailbox.
I continuously bothered by different men at Costco, Meijer, etc. all calling me a Camaro. This is the model of the car I drove when I dated him. Someone at work asked informed me he didn’t know how I would respond if I was told that he left me for someone he thought was better and found out later they weren’t. A different person at work drew a picture of where his boat was docked at metro beach while remaining mute. My mail was stolen out of the locking mailbox. A coworker who shared my cube told me about someone stating that he stole my mail again and liked it-probably skilled at lock picking. One week later another coworker mentioned stalking. Another week later I was laid off.
An inside call came in to my desk at work when I answered I found it was him. He asked me if I was being laid off. I told him I prefer it when we are not talking and hung up. I was still being called a Camaro by various men at the market shopping during work hours. I purchased a cell phone detector to detect a gps tracker on my vehicle. I haven’t been bothered shopping since. I hope this is over. I doubt it is.
They don’t change
I’m glad to find this blog, everything I’ve read for the most part describes my “narcissist” aka so called “best friend”. I don’t do blogs, but I’ve found myself for months now on google trying to figure out WTF is going on. I figured it out when our last conversation went awry, as he was verbally abusing me on the phone and I hung up on him. He threatend me before and said “no one” hangs up on me! I guess I had to test him and sure enough I got my answer as I’ve not heard from him since May. I’m not the only one. He’s been hung up on before, by other woman. Not surprised, he threatened our relationship if I ever did that to him, so I tested it…I was soo done. He was all about drama and played the victim. I sympathized and found it hard to leave. I couldn’t leave, I loved him. But he disappeared, I knew he already had a new supply. I met her. For over a year he had been talking to her while he was with me…overlapping relationships…they can’t be alone, there is always a potential waiting in the wings, getting strung along.
If only I had seen this blog earlier. I’m trying to rationalize what I’ve done the past week. I’ve been involved with this guy for the past 7 months now and decided to block him from all social media and whatsapp on Monday this week. I have come to know that he is a narcisstic promiscuous animal. I am 26 and he is 36 years old. Things are so good when we’re together, but for some reason everything had been about him. We really enjoyed each others company both socially and intimacy. I am completely infatuated with this guy even now I cannot seem to stop thinking about him. Forcing myself not to contact him. For the first time have I done this after so many occasions where he treated me like I was at fault. I was just being myself. Inlove. Infatuated. Crazy about the idea that we could be together. Only to find out that he has been playing me all this time. Telling me that he has broken up with this girl but, he still cares for her and his mom has grown so attached to her. How could I have been so stupid. All this has made me so negative about life of which I was and will be myself again. Always happy and out going. This is so resh to me. I would like to say more, but it all seems so pointless now. Telling me that he cannot give me what I want (a relationship) and asked me to choose between the sex or the friendship. How the hell? I said to him that I cannot deal with this emotional stress and cannot be friends with him and asked him not to contact me again. Then blocked him.
As a man in a relationship with a woman that has a book by her bedside entitiled: “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers”, I can attest that harems don’t necessarily have to be of the female kind. I found it so very familiar your describing how “Guy with a harem explained to me that most of his friends were women. I didn’t find that odd at first…until I noticed that more than eighty percent of the people on his Facebook were women ‘friends.’ That’s exactly what she says about her friends. If I ever question her relationship with a male friend, I quickly become a jeaulous controll freak with low self esteem. I would rather she go have a one night stand instead of being emotionally unfaithful.
Great response time 🙂 Pretty much what I expected to hear…and understandably so. And I agree for the most part. The thing is, aside from all the lies that he tells me about these current friends he has (because he is scared to tell me the truth and wants to avoid conflict- in other words a huge wimp), he has been very honest about his past– a little too honest–to his detriment. And I absolutely understand that everybody has a past and the older I get the more baggage somebody is going to have. But I do agree that it is not appropriate or normal or healthy to make everybody in your past a part of your present. I think I could honestly move on like a normal person from the things he has done before me if I didn’t have to be constantly reminded of them every day! I don’t necessarily believe that it is impossible to be friends with ur exes, but there is a way to do it like an adult and in a respectful way to your current partner and I’m not sure he’s capable of doing that. He actually did it with the one girl that I like, but he didn’t initially do it with the other girls. He has actually tried to make things better by introducing me to all of them and I’ve even tried to hang out in a social environment with them. They are all nice. They are all beautiful. In another world, I probably could even be friends with some of them. He’s told me that everybody knows we are together and everybody respects our relationship. Everybody thinks we’re awesome. He tells me that I’m the best partner that he could have ever asked for. But I have turned into a green eyed monster, and can’t undo all the things I know. It’s almost like I feel we could pick up and move to a completely new place and start fresh together and be the happiest couple on the entire planet–without his past tagging along…
Em do you know who Irina Shayk is? She is the stunning ex-girlfriend of Cristiano Ronaldo, who is inarguably the most talented, wealthy and beautiful man in all of sports. After finding compromising text messages on his phone from other women, she ended their 5 year relationship. Afterwards she said, “He made me feel very ugly.” If you saw how beautiful she is you’d know there was a double meaning in those words.
What I am seeing in your post is a lot of rationalizing. A part of you gets it but the other part doesn’t want to accept it. If this guy has cheated in past relationships he will most certainly continue it with anyone he is with. What impetus would he really have to change? Sav hit the nail on the head–the fact that you are Googling says you know something is wrong.
I was watching a vid about Narcs on YT and one of the red flags this woman mentioned is we know something is off but b/c we want to believe in the good, we rationalize and minimize their actions.
This woman made a great and obvious point that people never regret trusting their instinct. You’re not going to find someone saying, “I’m really glad I didn’t listen to my gut on that one.” Our intuitions are correct pretty much always, even if we don’t want to listen.
Your Googling the matter is your intuition telling you something is very wrong. And from what you typed, it is.
When I was having problems with my narc ‘friend’ I used to Google all sorts of things for years, though never stumbled upon narcissism for whatever reason. I thought it was passive aggression, depression, bipolar, etc. But the very act of Googling is a sign that you know something is off.
There are tons of women out there who post things like, “How do I know if a guy is into me?” and looking for answers. Every time a guy has been into me, I’ve never wondered. There was no Googling. I knew b/c he wanted me to know. Trust your instinct here and think long term. It doesn’t sound like these women are ever going to go away, so even if he ‘picks you’ the feelings of jealousy (however correct you are to feel them) will only wax with time, not to mention he’s already has the advantage in knowing how to triangulate you when needed.
A relationship is about you and him. Not you and him and her and her and her and her into infinity.
I’m a little late to the game but I just found this blog because after a year and a half of dating a guy, I decided to Google ” my boyfriend has a harem of ex-girlfriends”. Ha. That can’t be good. We met online. Neither one of us have been married and we are both in our early 30s. I am very much in love with him and he is very much in love with me and we both know that we are getting to a point where some big decisions need to be made.But poor guy is a walking hazard. I am very much in love with him and he is very much in love with me and we both know that we are getting to a point where some big decisions need to be made. He has many girl friends. He also is a dentist and is surrounded by women all day. He has a history of cheating. Not on me, to my knowledge. He has tried to remain friends with many of his ex-girlfriend’s, several of whom are very much a part of his life now. One of the girls is his assistant at his practice, and they eat lunch together every day, and he has also been unfaithful with her in the past. (Not on me) Another girl is a girl that he met at the same time as me online. We all kind of overlapped each other for the first two months of our relationship, but they decided to remain friends and he tried to keep it a secret from me for most of our relationship. That included lies and made up stories for at least seven or eight months until I found out she existed. Another is a girl that has been very toxic in his life for about seven or eight years, but he pays her to clean his house and she is now one of his closest friends.I actually do kind of like this girl and she has become a little bit of a friend to me, and she’s made a big effort to not make me feel uncomfortable. He texts with about two or three other ex-girlfriend’s and talks on the phone with them periodically. The Fourth of July is coming up and he is inviting a lot of people to his lake house for the weekend and he recently asked me if he thought it was a good idea to invite his most recent ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend, whom I haven’t even spoken of yet. Are you serious? I’ll say the standard… I have never been a jealous person. But after dating this guy I feel like I am becoming someone that I have never been nor have I ever wanted to be. The truth is, he has a warm and nice person. He is also very generous. People love him. And he loves for people to like him. But the amount of stuff that he seems to expect his girlfriends to just “put up with”, is just too much. The truth is, he has a warm and nice person. He is also very generous. People love him. And he loves for people to like him. But the amount of stuff that he seems to expect his girlfriends to just too much. God knows I’ve tried to be “cool”.But nobody is that cool. I honestly do not think that he has cheated on me. But he continues to put himself in situations where he is setting himself up to fail, and that is sad for me. We have so much fun together, and we have so much in common. We both want to be married and have a family. But I think we are both concerned about what kind of husband he could be. Not really sure what to do here. Or what I’m expecting to hear… We have so much fun together, and we have so much in common. We both want to be married and have a family. But I think we are both concerned about what kind of husband he could be. Not really sure what to do here. Or what I’m expecting to hear…prolly something like “dump the jerk.” Maybe he’s just highly evolved? Ha. I don’t know.
Em I think you are online Google-ing this topic because you already know the answer. We all want to be the exception to the rule and this guy’s rule is, I cheat on the women I’m involved with. If you think he’s not involved with these other women then you’re far too trusting and too naïve. I think the fact that he’s a dentist, charming, manipulative and probably good looking has a lot to do with you sticking around a lot longer than you should. My eyes started rolling back in my head when I read that he had been involved with his assistant and they have lunch together every day. The one thing you know for sure about this guy is that it’s all about him and that he doesn’t respect your feelings. If he did he wouldn’t flaunt these women in front of your face – he’d have nothing to do with them. Period.
I just broke up with my ex… We were in a long distance relationship for seven months. He gave me a promise ring the first time we met… I have been thinking he is a Somatic Narcassist for sometime… But I always second guess myself… I want to be with him so bad it hurts… I broke it off with him… Because he tried telling me his actions that were wrong were my fault because I made him feel inadequate. I told him yesterday I want to get back together and he said he isn’t good enough and then sent me pictures of two women who posed for him in underwear.. He is a photographer… He takes pics of himself too. I don’t know if I can handle so many women in their underwear around him tho. 🙁 all his friends on face book are women and they crawl all over him.. He eats it up. I’m not the jealous type he liked that… But he reserved the right to get jealous and that’s when it hurt.. I still love him tho and want him back its been three weeks don’t know how to get over him.
OMG. My narc is spitting image of almost everything you guys have mentioned. Itts very weird. Its almost as if he doesn’t want to be. Because he knows he has a problem. He’ll say “I have anger problems”, I cant be faithful, I but I know I want you,” etc. Will have other women losing their minds over me, but gas light me every now and then. Everytime I went back it got better. SO CRAZY. He would improve in fear I would leave him and continuously abuse the women who stuck around without pause. One day he said to me, “I don’t value women who don’t value themselves” I adore you because you don’t deal with my bs. Then he still did disappearing acts for hours out of the day. Would dump women I suppose he was still seeing, then tell me what he did.. for me.. then ask me if he’s a bad person for leaving. He would also tell me I was insecure and jealous and why could everyone else see that he loved me but me.. but he would never tell me he loved me verbatim. At the beginning he was very stingy then began “doing more for me” would do things for my mom (trying to win her over) and was always trying to be the life of the party. His phone would never stop ringing. But if mine sounded off he was suspicious. I was his “queen” “woman” but never his girlfriend. we “broke up” (what he called it) at least 7 times in 6 MONTHS. The best way I learned to deal with him was to say, “baby everything is going to be okay” and laugh, he would snap out of it and begin to calm down. He is easily angered as well, all of it ended for me when he punched me in my face this weekend after I said something jokingly and even after he saw it was a joke still wanted to fight. he tried to crash my car called me several bitches and told me that he would call the girl he’s been fucking while I was there. That she didn’t mind sharing so if I wanted to stay I couldn’t have an issue with it. I begged him to stop. LOL after reading this stuff im so grateful that I’m used to leaving him. I’m gone for good! Power and love to you ladies.
he would also say “I,m childish and need to grow up” I have an attachment to women because I think they validate me in some way,but im the complete opposite of most of the women he dates seriously, I know this because I have mutual friends of some. Told me his life was in turmoil the last time I left. lol. because he didn’t want me to think badly of him. Always says, I just want to clear the air no hard feelings but ALWAYS wants more than “friendship” will go crazy if you catch him in a lie, treats his family just as crazy. Used to get mad if I were to let any other man do anything for me like fix something or wash my car. All of which are things other women would text him an complain about because I was an avid poster of us to keep the cheating away. They would text him and cry and complain he would tell them he’s happy and is trying to change his life for me. They would beg and ask if they weren’t good enough. He would say he felt bad but he was finally happy. He would still entertain them though. Is he more bi polar than a narc or both?
Just got out of a 2 months “relashionship a narcissist. Met on a dating site, and to be honest red flag started before we even met in real. I am laughing at how silly I have been. The guy showed signs of jealousy before we even met. Telling me by the time it took for me to reply I must be talking to other men..well isn t it just the point of a dating website?
Then we arranged a meeting. He showed up 30 mins late. Called me to inform about it and wow, I felt weird, his voice, didn’t like it at all.
He arrived, all charming and charismatic and the show began. He was so called under my spell, I m such a beauty, he loooves the way I think blablabullshitty bla.
We spent 7 hrs toget I got home he texted and texted and give me more love bullshit.
Quickly tho, the inconsistance started, the little drama over absolutely nothing. He paraded me around his town, when we were around his friends, I was the best thing ever, back home, different story, he was moody, needy, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide poped in my head. Started the devaluation process, to which I d reply, really? You think so? well I m pretty happy with the way I look/ act/ think.. I d always remain stoic to his little drama which he seemed to hate. He tried making me feel jealous over his ex while all I was thinking when all I was thinking was, how could this girl, or anyone have remained 5 years in a relationship with you?? He admitted to cheating on her and would always accuse me of cheating. I once told him, hmm this sound like projecting, aren t you actually transfering your own actions or at least desires to cheat onto my mind? He didn’t like that one bit. He d ask me to text him/ call him all the time, and even said a couple time “harass me!” lol wtf. I told him, this will never happen. He didn’t like that one bit. He d never paid attention to things that really matter to me, like my family or friends. Once, after he told me I m brautiful I said, oh yeah, you find me pretty.vue said ofc why would I be with you otherwise? I said well maybe for my personality. He looked confused, lol . Don’t think he cared one bit for my personality. I was just the ” pretty face” to parade with. I met his sister. After that he said, my sister said we look good together. All about looks. If I was in front of miroir applying make up, he d come and place himself next to me and look in the miror, that can seem cute but the way he d do it screamed weirdo. Hot and cold, and all the other behaviours you wonderful ladies/ guys talked about here.
I stayed for entertainment values . I must admit, I enjoyed the freak show somehow.
Eventually, I grew tired of this and was started to feel the toxic effects of being around this nutcase. I had couple bad dreams involving him.
One day he got mental cuz I had not deleted my online dating site account. Well he hadn t either so in my mind, if it bothers you, show me by example, the day you delete yours I ll delete mine. He wouldn t accept that, tell me he only is on it because I am, nonsense ok whatever I delete it.
4 days later. I ask someone on this website to check if he s on..ofc he is, online showing too.
I set up a fake profile with the pic of a spanish actress. Bingo. Right away he comes talking to me. My friend set a fake profile, same thing, he jumps on it..haha. I ask if he s single and he says, I made a connection here but have no feelings for her. Lol. At same time texting me on the phone I am an angel and arranging tomorrow s meet up.
Next day I didn’t replied to his incessant texts and calls.
I really wanted to not ever talk to him again but started getting scared he d show up at my parents place. He once dropped me there, thank god he never saw my place, my work, my child, or any of my friends. Thank god I relied on my guts instincts that there was something weird with this person.
So I texted him that he s not the honest person I thought I met. That I dunno who he is but the mask has fallen. I have no intention of having him à my priority while i m only an option for him. That actions speak louder than words. I lost all interest in him and to forget me since I already have him.
Any normal person would have admitted to their fault but no, my N reacted by saying, I was the fake one and he should have discarded me earlier. Yes he used the word discarded :DFor a week after that, I fell sick to my stomach, not knowing why since I definitely don’t want him back ever. I think it was the toxics of this person leaving my body. It was very horrible feeling. But now I feel on top of the world and like I dodged a bullet.
By the way, I have a narcissist brother. He e 52 year old now and leads a miserable life drowned into self pity. He explained to me when qi was a child that the world is a game where people were using others for their own needs. He only comes to family meetings in attempts to extract money from any of us. He is the joke of the family. He thinks he s smarter than everyone and proud of his manipulative ways. He has made countless women utterly miserable and crazy. He once asks me to use some medicine for 2 weeks and tell him how I react to it, so then he could use them himself ha ha ha. I m his laboratory rat. At my dad’s funerals every man of the family was passing each other the spade to cover the hole ( sorry can’t find the right terms I m french) he declined, to not dirty his trousers.
Everyone avoids him, he lost every good thing he ever had and he s left a sad loser. I can’t imagine him ever changing. They just eventually look back and talk about all these good things they have but blame anyone but themselves for it.
I know some people have been terribly hurt by such jerks I would like to contact these women he beat and humiliated and used and apologize on his behalf ( one he made to prostitute for years) I was a child, he s 20 years older than me, I couldnt talk then but always knew something was deeply wrong with my brother.
He’s a piss of dirt, but find comfort in knowing these people are to be pitied, they re like ghosts, very lonely as unable to make a real connection with anyone.
We are alive, we feel pain but also amazing feelings of love. They can’t. They hate us for it.
Smile, forgive and forget. And feel, it s a gift.
Omg!!! This is my narc precisely. Only I haven’t gotten involved with him because he wanted to jump in my pants immediately and I refused. I got the painful silent treatment. I was hurt beyond measure. He wanted me to remove my boundaries. I refused and then was lead into the light
4 yrs, 6 months, 22 days and counting..
The day you find yourself in the deepest darkest lonlinest place where only confusion and depression live, is the day you will begin to fit the pieces of this projected once in a life time soul mate connection into the puzzle of realization that you have fallen in love with a narcissist. None of this talk will ever make sense to you if you’ve not experienced it for yourself- the pain, the self loathing, the self compromising behavior, the codependency of a narcissistic love, and most importantly the betrayal of trust and empathy.
I’ve began my recovery from codependency recently and have had to face many truths that I was in fact all too enabling due to my very own fear of rejection, comparison, insecure self image, and lack of self respect. How on Earth I’ve allowed myself to be taken advantage of in such ways by a married man is beyond my comprehension today. I was groomed. I was sought out as easy prey due to my very own easily read vulnerabilities. He is a predator. A monster. The weakest form of man I can imagine and he achieves a high by simply parading around the workplace with his new all too adoring and addictive victim. But let’s be real ladies and gents, he remains married and will lie and manipulate any way he can to get what it is you can and are willing to supply to his self serving narcissistic ego. He is not your friend. In fact he has no real friends because no one is worth anything more than a means to an end for this tempting devil.
And his poor wife! Will I ever forgive myself for being the thee woman for 4+ long years? Does she even know the truth behind his facade? Do I attempt to shed some light by exposing his real self to her? But then again how could she not know after all with all of her education and Medical knowledge? He, being in the same field, isn’t surprised by my epiphany of who he truly is, in fact agrees with every one of my accusations of his ugly identity. This tactic I believe is to keep me in his lair. To make me feel as if I’m the only one who understands this dark side of him and that “I’m the only one who can see and feel his energy so clearly”. You know what I say? I say FUCK THAT! I hated myself for months because I continuously was eating so many of his lies that I lost myself in them. Holy shit! Like how’d I get sucked into such an evil life force? How is it that I escape his reign without falling back into the depression rabbit hole?
All I can say is that I exposed him for what he really is to his new victim, and have began to walk toward the light. Someday when I am ready to face the fear of consequent repercussions of my adulterous behavior with this Narc, I will be forthcoming to his wife. She deserves better as does all of his past and future victims. I’ve never felt more exploited and abused in my entire life (and yes, I have lived through a very abusive marriage myself) than when I had finally come to realize just what I was dealing with.
The truth is a narcissist knows how to manipulate everyone into his trap. He will paint you out to be crazy jealous and vindictive. I tried to oaky him at his own game and still ended up feeling lost… Which only proves that I know love, am capable of creating love, and most importantly learned how to respect relationship boundaries.
My best advice:
DO NOTHING! NEVER LET HIM SEE YOU AFFECTED BY HIS RELENTLESS FAKENESS. NEVER FALL VICTIM TO HIS VENOM EVER AGAIN BY KNOWING THE TRUTH! YOU ARE LOVE AND WORTHY OF LOVE. SO PRACTICE SELF LOVE FIRST THEN LEARN TO RECEIVE HEALTHY LOVE FROM ANOTHER.
You are good and by beibg better, you will be the best thing that ever got away.
Be bold. Be proud for seeing the ugliness in such pretend beauty. That after all is beauty. You are out of his league and you know it. You can not be controlled anymore. Your tolerance has met its cap.
Get out while you can!!
I am glad I found this site… I have dated the same man on/off for the past 6 years. Throughout the relationship I knew but didnt want to accept the behavior that was apparent from this guy. Girls on social media, the constant texts and contact with ex’s and others etc. They would let him use their cars, but him clothes and take him out to eat. Looking back on it the flags were flying all around me from day one but I couldnt see past what I wanted. It took a chance church outing this past Easter with his family, where is mother exposed that he had a 3 year old daughter to me with the mother of his teenagers. 3 years old and we have been together for 6. To my shock and dismay this is why I finally was able to walk away. Unfortunately, it hasnt been the easiest to do so. I have gone through the calling and texting and emailing, when he was blocked on all fronts he began texting my best friend to get to me. I have met with him twice because since finding out because I needed answers, I thought I deserved that at least. Of course I got the I love yous and the I miss yous and it was only one time etc. etc. But at the end of the day I realize that this is a pill I will never be able to swallow. What I continue to do however is look up social media evidence that continues to highlight his NARC behavior. After finding out about this child all of three weeks ago, I also find suggestive innuendo to other females being made by him the same days that I was in shock of the news that his mother told me. So when he explains how sorry and devastated he was that I found out the way I did, the same week with in days actually he was securing and throwing nuggets to the others. I assume to feed his own ego that perhaps he lost with me but still had them. It is pretty sick when I think about it. It has been about a week since last communication. It a shame even with all that I have to fuel me I feel like this is going to take a while to come through…
Everything you have written, has happened to me…almost word for word and…it’s like you dated the same person as me. I guess that just shows how textbook they are. I can never describe or explain how on earth he got a hold of my mind in such a way…but your words describe it perfectly. It is exactly as you say and I wish I had known all this sooner but even if I had I might not have listened because he was my drug. I managed to get out of it by stopping all contact…I changed my number, I don’t use the email address he has for me so I have not read any of his emails to me for well over a year and a half…I closed down my Facebook account, sometimes he tries to get my attention by eg putting a picture of something that I sent him or a picture I took of him as his profile picture, but I have blocked him from all social media I am still on so I can’t anything he puts anymore …I cut all contact, no mutual friends, I broke off everything and that is what saved me in the end. It is what saved my life.
And the day I decided to stop all contact is the day that the suffering stopped for me…I was still in great PAIN but I was not suffering anymore, I just allowed the pain to come so that I could go through the process of healing but feeling pain and suffering can be two different things and I was not suffering anymore. I started LAUGHING again, I mean REALLY laughing and my concentration began to come back. My self-worth and value slowly returned and I studied a lot of material to help me. It took a long time to get on my feet again but everyday I just feel SO grateful that I do not have to go through any of that again…I don’t miss him at all, I don’t like him, I don’t love him, I don’t hate him (because I think hating him would boost his ego) and I just feel sorry for any future victim he has in mind. I am so grateful to read other people’s experiences, makes me feel like there is a place to go to for support and understanding which is great. For anyone who is still in a toxic relationship, know that you are not alone, know that even though you think you can’t live without him and that he is the most wonderful person in the universe even after everything he is doing to you…one day, when you chose you first instead of him, you will look back and think “he was nothing special” You CAN and you WILL get over him.CHOOSE YOU CHOOSE YOU CHOOSE YOU over him because you deserve BETTER, don’t settle,stop all contact…read up on self-worth, get a copy of a book called ‘women who love too much’ by Robin Norwood…every single day, dedicate time on rebuilding your self-value x
I was engaged to the love of my life, he suddenly dumped me for a girl slightly older than his daughter, 4 months later comes back Oh I love you, I was stupid and let him come back. He left again for the neighborhood hoe with herpes right at the Holidays. Six wasted years.Waiting for the love bombing stage to come back. Being spit on and slapped and knocked down. He told my 22 year old stroke survivor daughter when she wanted him to come to her June wedding the way to deal with that troublesome paralyzed dangling arm is to shove it up her ass sideways. He also wished a fatal stroke on her. They are not human.He told her he had THREE girlfriends now. Sick fuck. They should all be euthanized
Have the need to re-visit this section tonight. I am almost one year of being Narc free and having No Contact.
I wanted to talk about Narcs and triangulation — a concept I learned by reading other comments on this blog. My Narc did many, many things that ruined my mental well-being, health and finances, but I have to say his use of triangulation in regards to his harem made me absolutely bat-shit crazy.
What I mean by triangulation is that he constantly introduced a third party, another woman, as either a real or imagined threat to our relationship.
In the beginning of our relationship, he did everything he could to attempt to me make me feel jealous. He showed me text messages that he received from other women — women he had allegedly dated before me — and would tell me EVERY TIME they called, despite me asking him to stop. He even got drunk a few times, and cried to me about how some of his exes hurt him. I then realized the stories he was bringing up happened when he was 20 years old. My N was 35 when we dated.
When I asked him why he was doing this, he claimed he was doing it for the sake “of being honest” and not wanting to hide anything from me.
It was a complete line of bullshit. This was his way of letting me know that there were plenty of women out there who wanted him.
Everyone is going to enter a new relationship with a past. Especially when you are single, it’s common to date more than one person at a time. Then if you hit it off with someone, and either of you wants exclusivity, you’ll have that conversation and both parties may agree to it. In the beginning of a new relationship, it’s common for exes or people you had dated to come out of the woodwork and contact you.
But here’s the difference — when I agreed to exclusivity with my Narc, a man that I was casually seeing as well as an ex boyfriend who moved to my city had contacted me. I calmly told them that I was in a relationship now, and couldn’t see them. They said “OK” and moved on. I didn’t tell my Narc that I had been contacted by them. Why? Because these men were inconsequential. Why worry my boyfriend?
A mature adult, when they really want to be with you, will simply shut down any hit-ons or calls from exes. They deal with it and move on. They don’t throw it in your face or brag about it. Hell, even most people who cheat, man or woman, gay or straight, will do everything in their power to cover their tracks and hide the affair — they don’t throw it in their SO’s face that they are having one.
I didn’t pack my running shoes when my Narc did this to me, even though it made me into a crazy person that I didn’t recognize. I begged him to stop. When he wouldn’t, I did everything to explain to him WHY it was wrong — he acted like he couldn’t grasp how what he was doing was hurting my feelings, and he had no sense that it was even wrong to begin with.
I even made excuses for him — that he was dumb and immature, for instance.
I came here to warn everyone else, man or woman, that if the person you are dating does this you, they are most likely a Narc with a harem. If there always seems to be this constant threat of women contacting him, fawning over him or waiting in the wings, GTFO out of the relationship.
Don’t allow him to compare you to anyone else. Real, healthy, mature people, once they see how awesome you are, will let you know that you mean the world to them and are THE only one for them.
High fives to over a year of no contact. It really helps to focus on the positive once the smoke clears. After praying and hoping all the narcissists I knew would leave, 1 ex and 3 seemingly close, but ultimately egotistical grandiose “friends” dropped off. 1 yr 2 mo of no contact, and it feels great. What helped was exercise, focusing on others, continuing on a career, working on self improvement, and stopping the ruminating. Basically, “Get out, shine, know you’re worth, and start dating again”. A wonderful man approached me and we’ve been dating for 10 months. So far so good! 🙂
I accidentally discovered my husband’s harem after 9 years of a wonderful marriage. The thing that were going on with women I thought were my friends too are causing a divorce. He’s already asked me to stay friends with him and wondered aloud if I’ll date him after the divorce.
This happened to me for three months, Love bombed, future faked, roses every week for a month, bought jewelry, then the mask came off after sixty days, and he kept his ex fiancé in another state as a back up plan and would go see her when I broke it off first time, got back together two weeks later, dumped me within two weeks after love bombing again, and now back with her. Now I know he was in fact a Narcissist. Glad he is gone. Its been six weeks and I feel like a new women.
Thank you, Savannah. I haven’t seen or spoken to him but the letter I sent made me feel as bad as if I had. That’s what prompted my first post. Your reply is very helpful and I appreciate it. Hopefully, this time next year will be happy again. I will take each day as it comes, try not to think about the past or future and trust it will eventually fall into place again.
It still amazes me how a N can affect one so strongly.Honestly, and speaking from experience, I feel as if I was raped. Wisdom can come from adversity. Thanks again.
After writing my post, a question came to mind about pain. This is unbearable. If I were affluent, I’d check myself in to a rehab for addiction, if there was one for heartbreak, or a mental ward.
Why, WHY?! Why is this so excruciatingly painful when regular breakups aren’t always like this? I KNOW what he is and I want him to come back and fight for me. It doesn’t make sense.
Why do I want a crazy abusive person to come back after I dumped him for being a monster? And…if he did, I’d be afraid I might go back. Sometimes I want to talk to him for answers, sometimes missing him. It is hindering my healing. Someday I’ll be over it but everyday it feels like there’s a knife in my gut and heart.
D this is an addiction and just like in AA you take it one day at a time. You know what you have to do – you can go one day without talking to him, seeing him, contacting him – just do one day. Then when tomorrow comes you do one day – this is what they mean by one day at a time – break it down and then when you have enough days behind you you will start to see things a little more clearly. We’ve all been there. You can do this.
Six months later, and he haunts me every day. I was oy with him a year. I did the rigbt thing and dumped him, cut off all contact, threatened to expose his business (illegal alien employees) to keep him away. I’ve read the best way to deal with a NPD is no contact or speak in his language, that of the NPD (potentially dangerous) . I did both.
The trauma has caused me.constant nightmares to which I’ve reacted. Posting anonymous, but telling, words oine, where we met, emailing his customers, and recently sent him a letter. The letter was for healing but contained a sociopathic lie. I wanted him to feel the shock he gave me. I know there will be no hurt because he is a NPD and won’t care.
Here is my warning: The letter and other actions DID NOT help! !! The indirect/direct contact exacerbated the PTS he caused. It set me so far back, thinking of him, wondering if I finally had an effect. The most detrimental effect is absurd. Allowing him into my mind causes heartbreak all over again. What I did is unhealthy, part of a vicious cycle of not being able to let go.
How could I miss and hate a monster simultaneously? Why is indifference so difficult?
He was a bad dating experience. I wouldn’t consider dating a man (not a man, a greasy promiscuous coward) who was sleazy on the first couple of dates or give him a second thought. This guy was only a prolonged version. I ask myself why, with that knowledge, is this so difficult?
It is my ego, unanswered questions to which there will never be answers, thinking of good times when I deluded myself, choosing to believe I’d finally met the right one.
Forgiveness is for the innocent, not the guilty party. Forgiveness allows one freedom, distance, indifference, to be happy again, to find REAL love.
DO NOT re-engage!!! You hurt nobody but yourself. A letter sent, “venting to the source”, I told myself and today I missed a monster again. He.lied, cheated, used me for sex and money, physically assaulted me when I finally confronted him and I miss him. I triggered myself and it is as if I yanked stitches from a deep deep wound. I made myself bleed again. Six months later and I pulled out my own stitches.
Embrace your pain but NEVER do what this fool has done.
Stronger Today it sounds like you just transcribed my story! I have been No Contact since before Thanksgiving.
Living together for 5 years and finally coming to terms with the reality is that not for a single moment of that time was he faithful. I should have thrown him out when the first time I found the love letter he sent to his ex from my computer after being together for 1 week! After being left every year at the same time and taking him back after his desperate pleas and cries of reformation and God healing him, (and if that didn’t work suicide threats and even pictures of him killing our dog) I would take him back at the same time every year. He also owes me $5000.00 and I paid for EVERYTHING when we were living together.
In those interim’s of him not living with me, he would be verbally abusive and convince me that it was all my fault. The last time I kicked him out, it was because I had found that he was in relationship with 4 other women. I had had enough and kicked him out but he still convinced me to go to couples therapy and work through things for another 10 months. I believe that he also had bi-polar, and is sociopathic since he was a pathological liar as well. He not only lived a double life, but turned mine into one as well. 2 years ago during one of the separation times while he was being verbally abusive, I actually looked into checking myself into a psych hospital because I couldn’t reconcile my 2 “realities” and it was making me feel like he was right and I was crazy. It has been a year since I have seen him face to face and he still plagues me. I have nightmares of his abuse nearly every night and moments were I still question if I did the right thing. This is a horrible way for anyone to live and people need to know that abuse doesn’t just look like being beaten and bruised (although there were those times too for most of us with a NARC)… abuse comes in many forms and affects us for years even after gaining freedom.
I’m not going to lie, I did think about sending him this link and saying this is you and I’m glad I’m free. But I know that that is not good and he would not hear it and there would be no change.
He doesn’t know where I live, where I work, nor does he have my phone number but I still live in fear every day that somehow he will find me and show up and beg for me to take him back. I still don’t trust myself enough to be able to know for sure that I would be able to say no. And I have had to turn down getting into relationship with a couple of amazing, gentle, giving, loyal, men that could love me because I know that I am still messed up in the head from the NARC.
Finding this article and reading your comments and stories have helped me feel like I am not alone and someone else really does understand what it is like to live in that kind of atmosphere. Thank you so much for sharing.
I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who fell for a NARC. I met my NARC online. He had just gotten a divorce after 22 years of marriage and at the time of our date, I just got the feeling he wasn’t ready to “date”. I really wasn’t either because I had just gotten out of another relationship with another NARC! I told him, “Let’s just be friends”. Well, it started out slow and there was nothing physical going on with us. We spent a lot of time together and always had so much fun together. After three years, and nothing more was happening between us, I started to think “What’s wrong with this guy?” To this day, I’m wondering why he didn’t jump my bones. It was obvious that he liked me because we did everything together. We truly were best friends. Then, i thought, “Oh he just has cold feet” so I made the first move.
That destroyed everything. I’m not sure but I do think he respected me and when I did that, I became one of harem. I suspected the other women when he would talk about girl “friends” such as Maureen and Teri. He and I went on a motorcycle trip to Iowa together and the texting on his phone was going off until well after 1:00 am. On the way home, when he went to restroom, I read a text on his cell that a Maureen had sent him a sweet little text. That’s when I was no longer in denial. I also went back to online dating and I learned he had an active profile! I couldn’t believe it!! I called him and told what an SOB he was and I’m not sure what happened but I decided to stay with him. (I know, stupid, stupid, stupid). After catching him in a number of lies, I decided to bring some of his stuff over to his house without contacting him. He texted me about it and then called. He told me “I’m seriously seeing someone else”. I know why he did this because I was aware of his “false self” and I was starting to experience some of his cruel remarks. He wanted to be friends and said if I ever needed something fixed, to give him a call. I told him, “We’re Done”. I haven’t heard from him but then again, I have blocked him on my cell and FB, and I have changed my email address. I made the mistake of checking up on his most recent girlfriend and she’s so in love with him. I can tell and I feel so sorry for her. Get this, we are teachers that work in the same school district! I see her at meetings and am so upset at the fact that he did this to me. I miss him but I miss the man who really doesn’t exist. Too bad, we were a great couple! I know however, I’m so better off without him and very blessed to have so many people in my life to remind me that I was fortunate to leave the relationship before he had a chance to abuse me. However, can someone tell me why he didn’t “use” me in the beginning? I’ve been told by many that I”m attractive and well educated. This just puzzles me. Thanks!
My jaws dropped the first time I found out there is such a thing as a “Narcissistic Harem” – It’s disturbing to know that such a nasty behavior even has a name and seems to be the norm for Narcs! I found a “solution” to this problem, and at least in my case, it worked wonders: EXPOSE THE RUBBISHES! Nobody wants to be seen as a cheater or a slut, right? Expose them, both your Narc and his bitches!
It worked for me – my Narc husband kept his rubbish ex around (she was a kind of “brushed up” trailer trash and when she came to visit, she kept on teasing me and flirting with him, and in front of her own boyfriend! :O The poor guy obviously left her after that… ). They knew each other for more than 12 years, but today, they don’t speak to each other anymore, not even over the phone!
I used his own dirty tactics to chase her away: I let her know, over email, what he really thinks about her, let her know that he was trashing her behind her back (not really, as it was not a Narc lie, it was all true), and most importantly, let her know I knew lots about her own twisted life – remember: Narcs have no sense of loyalty!). She got so mad with him that she finally left him alone, hahaha! I also exposed him to his family, as I think the only way to stop an abuser is to expose them. Fortunately, I am an honest person with good values, I’m not a hypocrite and live up to my values and faith, so there is NO WAY his family would doubt my word, although they obviously don’t get involved and don’t really care, but at least I have warned them about his true character, that I am not the one with a problem, which they probably knew all along, anyway…
Their own conscience will decide whom to believe, and if they have any honesty and decency left on them, they will know whom to believe, as his behavior always been a source of embarrassment on family gatherings, for example. I know it’s pathetic to share marital woes with his family who obviously doesn’t care, but at least I’m showing them I defend my name and values and won’t let him unfairly trash me when I’m innocent!
He also kept his ex wife around (she ran away with another man, leaving him and children behind. If she wasn’t herself a rubbish, I would feel sorry for her) and I found out he was visiting her every week at her workplace. She was nice at first, but he manipulated things in such a way (an euphemism to having an affair with her?) that the woman started flirting with him in front of anybody, even in front of her own husband and children, without a care in the world! I told him she’s not allowed in our house anymore, even in case of family gatherings, although she’s the mother of his children, but I told him I am not afraid of confrontations and that it would be a pleasure to expose them in the middle of a family party. Both stopped with their crap, don’t even talk over the phone anymore, as they know I am pretty capable of doing just that. See? Abusers can’t stand exposure, and so do their sycophants!
He was also flirting with a woman at his workplace as well… I went to his office one day and I see from the distance this woman hugging him in such a way and then she placed a quick kiss on his neck. I approach them from behind and she became as white as a paper when she saw me. I confronted him when we arrived home, and obviously I was the malicious, jealous, bitchy one, as it was all innocent, blablabla… Then he got mad and screamed “You are jealous of her success!” I would never be jealous of such a nasty piece of work, it was beyond offensive to hear that, so I decided to act: sent her an email saying I don’t like the way she behaves around my husband, and if she carries on like that, I will personally talk to her boss and tell him she’s flirting with married men instead of working, etc. Her reply? “Oh, how can you think something like that, I’m shocked to hear this, we are just friends, blablabla”… He arrived home so furious, saying he was embarrassed of having me as a wife! I said I was embarrassed of HIM, flirting at work without bothering his employees and coworkers knew me! Conclusion: her work depended on his, but his work didn’t depend on hers, so it caused a lot of problems for her. She got promoted and went to work far from him and never talked to him again (detail: the rubbish was engaged! She’s married now, poor guy…)
You see? The best way to break an abuser is through EXPOSURE, but you have to be smart and be sure you have nothing in your behavior/character that can be used and twisted against yourself. Narcs are the biggest cowards, hypocrites, liars and users, so it’s good to know if you’re strong enough to bear the consequences. I fight back, I hit back, but most women don’t and the Narcs strive in the lack of strong resistance. My story here shows how demeaning it is to stay in such a relationship, it’s soul destroying and no matter how strong or how smart you are, it makes you look bad to outsiders when you react, and it makes you feel bad if you don’t, so it feels like you can never win, although you’re the innocent one. I am a strong woman, but I can say it deeply affected me, even fighting back, I know I’ll get scarred for life! I’m leaving this black hole very soon, and I am eternally grateful for my decision of not having children with that ghoul!
They don’t change, I can’t stress that enough: THEY WON’T CHANGE!!! Leave your Narc or you’ll end up with serious emotional and mental problems (his ex wife battles depression to this day due to his abuse, 20 years after their divorce, and so do I), it’s crazy making and obviously not worth it! RUN, Forrest! Run!
I was married to an abusive narcissist. his harem was a ring of sycophants, his yes people who would blow up his ego whenever he needed. I watched him put people up on a pedestal and cast them down over and over… if you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, run as fast as you can. that marriage nearly killed me.
I love these empower stories. For a year I went through this. In my situation said guy clinged to me and my daughter. He took advantage of the fact that I was married and that I was in a rough spot. I didn’t say no…so I’m just as much to blame. I figured out the games VERY fast. The guy seemed to gravitate toward women/girls that had kids. Think about it women with children and/or husbands have very little time on their hands. More free time for the Narcissist to roam free. Tried to make me believe he wanted to marry me. He was a goddamn joke. The only thing I ever gave him was a little cash, nothing major at all. I went so far as to file for divorce. Working in the court system I knew there was a back door if it didn’t work out which something in my gut knew would happen. The only clean break from a Narcissist is a DEAD BREAK. NO CONTACT. After reading this article on the “Harem” everything clicked into place. I felt a sort of freedom rush through me. My husband and I have since rekindled our relationship. If you are in a relationship with this type of person my advice is to cut them off at the pass. Don’t be a VICTIM and NEVER EVER give up your CHI (your inner life force)..these types of people aren’t worth it. They are constant repeat offenders. Live your lives as they are meant to be lived FREE of these kinds of people. YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE. ~ Blessed Be ~
I sent an email saying no contact. His response:
“We both have invested a lot and it is a shame to throw it away. We have things to work on, yes? We both still care deeply and that is why we react the way we do. It is all reasonable behavior. And we both are going through a lot… our worlds has changed… ”
NOw I am getting a lot of text about living in God’s plan. I wish I had the kind of N that took off and went to another woman. I am not good at standing my ground.
StrongerToday notice how he speaks for you with all his we’s – We both still care – we have things to work on. He doesn’t even entertain the idea that you are a separate entity with your own thoughts and feelings – he doesn’t care if your feelings may have changed, or that you may want more for yourself. When you’re going no contact, you don’t need to text him to tell him you’re going no contact you just stop responding – that sends the right message and the only one you need to. It hastens his disappearance as well.
So my day did not go as planned. I was to drive him to airport. But he got sick. Was throwing up, dizzy, headache so when I got there he was lying in dark. I first canceled his flight. Then I called his sister to let her know that I was NOT happy about being there and that a family member needed to come. His daughter was at work. His brother finally came and I left. I took my silk flower arrangement that he refused to give me on my way out.
While I was there, he got a phone call that he answered and said he would have to call her back. Then a bit later, he asked me for reading glasses and he proceeded to text someone. The phone call is his new woman. Poor thing. I am sure she was supposed to pick him up at airport. The gall of him texting her while I am there. It never ENDS with these guys!!!
I had plans to eat dinner and watch a show with my daughters. I missed it. I am so mad.
BUT I am very glad to have my flowers. And to have my sanity back. I was proud of myself.
The end is upon us!!
he has a new one on the hook now. She is a poor divorced single mom with a teenaged son. I feel so bad for her. He will take whatever financial resources she has which can’t be much. I have contemplated contacting her but I don’t think it would be wise for me. He would know it was me and I am afraid of retaliation.
Wow I am so glad for this website. After listening to my ex-Narc live-in BF for 7 years, I have been thinking I am crazy. He brainwashes me. It is so embarrassing to admit to myself and others that I have been brainwashed. My whole family has seen it but me. After a conversation with him, I always leave feeling there is something lacking in or something wrong with me.
He even convinced me that it was normal to be in a situation where women wanted your man and you had to compete to keep him. That I should be grateful for having such a good looking, strong man that others wanted.
The whole harem concept has always made me particularly crazy. He told me from the get-go that he had female friends. Said that he only talked to them on the phone and did I want to listen and be present when he spoke with them? This was EARLY in our relationship. I said no, to me if they were friends, my mind said I did not need to monitor the conversations. I later regretted saying no.
He also told me that if women fall in love with him from their conversations that is on them. He does NOTHING to encourage them he says. And that every woman he has been in a relationship with still loves him and wants him.
I could go on and on with all the tales and justifications provided when I found out about singles sites profiles, text messages, emails and phone calls from woman after woman. The harem was quite large and constantly fluctuating. Some had been members from the beginning (high school), others for many years, and then there were the ones that would come and go. Some were only phone friends, some he met in person.
It bothered me so badly. There were so many lies. He is a pathological liar. About even the littlest of things. It even began rubbing off on me. I started telling lies. To my family, my children. I hate it.
Through snooping in his phone and his email, I discovered he slept with his son’s wife. She sent him nude pictures of herself. He justified THAT even. Sheesh is he good.
When I left him, he had a breakdown…supposedly. Checked himself into an inpatient psych facility for a week. Then was released to one of his female “friends”. She took care of him for 8 weeks while he attended an intensive outpatient therapy program, again supposedly. During this time he came to me begging for forgiveness and reconciliation. The extent of his repentance was to be demonstrated by his breakdown and the “programs” he attended. He was a new man. He found his spirituality again. He had left God and now was found again. I fell for it. Drove with him across country as he relocated for a job. In this drive we were to work through everything and start anew. He said that he would give up his special friend that had cared for him. I said no not fair to her after all she had done. Of course he jumped on that and talked to her on the phone even more.
Sorry I could go on and on. This harem article is my saving grace today. He is flying back across country today; he was here for 3 weeks for the holidays. He has lost the job he moved across country for. While he was here we have met several times as “friends”; during this time he asked me to spend the night, to have sex, to kiss him. I did only kissing but stopped it as he tried to take it to a sexual level.
Because of this article and this blog, I am able to see that he and I cannot be friends. I was trying to be his friend because he owes me more than $5,000 and he still has a lot of my belongings at his house and he refuses to give them to me. He said once he gets a job and gets out of his depression, he will start giving me more of MY things. I am now just one of his poor souls in his pathetic harem. Well, no more. I am supposed to take him to the airport. I haven’t decided if I will still take him and then tell him this is our last contact. Give him until end of month to get a new phone (I hope I can get out of contract with he and his daughter that I have on Sprint). I see now we can never be friends and it is NOT my jealousy.
My new counselor told me he is a narc and will never change and that I need no contact. I am going to remove myself from the harem TODAY. Thanks so much Savannah and all others for sharing. I really believe this blog site is helping save my life.
Savannah, What about cerebral narcs? I swear I was involved with one, who wanted me to move in with him, and who said he wanted a partner for life. But there were signs of narcissism; triangulation- another woman (and I suspect there were more) who he would text while he was with me and who called him frequently. I thought he kept her around to let me know insidiously that he was wanted, not only by me. He told me he doesn’t love her, but he does sleep at her house. He basically said I was his first choice, but when I wouldn’t rush to be with him and move in with him, he without telling me began dating her and plastered pictures of their first date day on social media. To hurt me? To force me to make a decision about him? It wasn’t to tell me it was over, because he kept texting me after a week or two weeks of non-communication. Would a man who loved me and wanted to be in a relationship with me, be with another woman? He texted me again last week asking me to move into a new condo with him, even though he said he wanted our relationship “done” the week before. He keeps coming back via texts. He said she was the one desperately pursuing him. She also sent me nasty, territorial messages on social media, telling me to stay away and also threatening me with legal action. I want to believe what he tells me, but his actions seem like those of a narc. He has slight somatic tendencies, but his cerebral narc tendencies are the strongest. I’d like to forget he ever came into my life, but I hold on to those things he’s said and I am consumed with thoughts of him still, even though he is in a relationship with her.
Bippy people are objects to Narcissists – they are interchangeable. He likely wanted someone to move in with him to share the expenses or for another reason that has absolutely nothing to do with love – so therefore anyone would do. The mixed messages he sends are to keep you invested in him. He wants to keep you confused and stuck on him so that you will still be an option for him when he needs something from you. Narcissists use words to con and manipulate – don’t listen to what he says – always pay attention to his actions – that’s how you know. My advice to you is run – go no contact and don’t look back – you dodged a bullet.
Bang on! That’s why I said bye bye, got caught out once before.
Don’t forget that a narcissist isn’t nevessarily a lover. My mother in law and sister in law are both narcissists, with BPD, sociopathy, and bipolar. Their harems include extended family, friends, and they try to recruit from YOUR family and friends in order to pin you as unstable, etc. I dealt with these 2 for 10 years before I had a total nervous breakdown and tried to kill myself. My husband has broken out of his mother’s harem because he has been a victim of her abuse as well. But he doesn’t see the power she weilds, and he never will. He is still financially supporting his family of origin, even though they have damaged us and our children horrifically. Now, even when we are across the country, I feel like they are plotting and scheming to get us back in line. It’s very difficult. Years of death threats (one attempt while I was pregnant with my daughter), kidnapping threats, smear campaigns resulting in having literally dozens of people looking at me with hate. It’s not just boyfriends or girlsfriends that collect harems. It is a trait of a narcissistic personality disorder.
I used to be involved with a narcissist with a harem. Except his gig was counsellor at local church. His harem consisted of those screwed up young things who were looking for help, and he lent them his ear, seduced, flirted, flattered and cajoled and ended up not only with a harem, but a harem who knew about all the other women, and thoroughly approved. He managed not only to convince the church leadership that he had a ‘ministry to women’, but that the women who finally saw his behaviour for what it was were women with issues. Of course they had issues, that’s why they were looking for help. It was a perfect storm.
His facebook page is 3/4 filled with very young women, some of them dating back to many decades ago. By the way this man is married (to the first woman he managed to bag who had been dating him since she was 14) has kids and is a grandfather. He will not stop nor will he accept that his behaviour is abhominable. He claims to be a christian, but in fact he is just very good at mouthing back at you what you want to hear.
If you fall foul of this monster, you had better look out. I managed to be shunned by wife AND harem simply by having the guts to leave and name his behaviour for what it was. I was never able to really understand the nastiness from the other women until now. Your description is spot on.
My ex girlfriend is a narcissist. She started things with me before she was done with her relationship and then strung me along for 18 months. She was constantly seeking and getting attention from other people and often, made me feel bad about myself because I was the one who was jealous or whatever. Then I opened my eyes. She had started talking to someone on Facebook who lives in another state. I was getting pushed aside for that person. I ended up breaking up with her. Now, she is seeing that person who is paying for her to fly to the Keys and go on trips but also using people where she lives. This is her cycle. I had a conversation with an ex I was friends with and her story was just like mine. Almost identical. Apparently, they always are. After reading this article and seeing that my ex matches all of these things, I should consider myself fortunate that it was only 18 months of my life. http://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2014/07/21/five-powerful-ways-abusive-narcissists-get-inside-your-head/
You just described my husband to a tee:( Thank God I’ve finally realized this tho and can get my life back on track. Still hurts tho and its worse when kids are involved… I just thought he was a compulsive liar, but this is him exactly!
it happens in gay affairs too. I meet this guy and he showed the traits of a Narcissist right there. He wanted to date me, come to my place and stay over for few days then leave to his Adventures. I felt for him but I was able to set my boundaries and stopped seen him. in about half year he came back to my life, he became HIV positive.
He made a big drama, said he wasn’t going to take of this problem and will let himself die. I took him in, moved to my house, stayed for one year, never worked. I got him everything he would need, car, cellphone, shelter.
Last December we broke up, he offended me like no one has done it, wished bad upon me. I started by disconnecting his phone and cutting off all possible ways of contact with me. It was very hard but empowering. It has taken a lot of work but I did it. I am letting him go, one day at a time. I am sure he is up already taking advantage of somebody else while I am making peace with my self day by day. Good luck to all of you. Love
Sigh… Ughhh ,
I really appreciate this article and post from all of you, beautiful women! We all deserve better 🙂
I honestly don’t know where to start and honestly I could possibly write a book or a detailed research paper because I’ve researched this several times and waited for approval of others and at this point no one is listening because they think my narc guy is the perfect guy for me. They, friends , family and kids have now idea how I’m treated. Sometimes I wonder if he has an idea because he does that denial thing so damn well to the point I think I’m nuts!!!
We’ve been together 3 years and I recognized the traits, the 1st week we moved in together . After one year I packed all my crap and moved out, he stayed intouch and showed up on regular basis , then moved in 11 months later. Eventually I moved to another state, 8 months later he followed me here and what a disaster it’s just getting worse, I’m miserable and my headaches will send me to ER soon!
He’s hot and cold everyday and sometimes I’m afraid to conduct a conversation with this man who lives under my roof. He’s verbally abusive , calls me stupid, tells me I’ll never ever find another man, called me bitch when friends are visiting! He’s is the most disrespect creature I’ve ever came in contact with.
I’ve helped his man through thick and this, he’s doing so much better due to All the supplies he has requested from me, and lord I am exhausted!!
He has absolutely no empathy and will ignore me iF I’m in tears after his bazaar tantrum. This guy is only happy when I’m resourceful to him. He’s generally an unhappy person and possibly will never ever be happy. Hes such a user he likes to meet all my friends and family in with the goal of having them assist him just because I’m supposedly in a relationship with me. He says people in my world have money!!! He’s very manipulative, socially inappropriate and denies just about everything.
I’ve tried to diagnose him , or refer him to another mental health counselor, ha not even worth is , remember he denies absolutely everything !!
At this point, he knows I want him out of my house and I’ve contacted his family to come get him. Guess what! ? They don’t want him either … I wish I had more control of knowing his last…. Two women confronted me saying he owes them money, and I replied take is ass to court because technically I’m all out of supplies. He can shove his groupies elsewhere and I hope he’s able to read , write and pay the fees. Ha, it’ll be nice of they throw him in Jail for using women!
Conclusion: I’m planning on moving him back to his family on my own, don’t care about the cost. I care about empowering myself and releasing the chains he have attached to me And putting a completed end to his favorite saying ‘I need’ ‘ you need to cook, write, pay, communicate, call , text, buy, help, do such and such for me ‘ and oh .. The me me me and I ‘ I’ I’ has hit my last nerve !!
Biggest user I’ve ever came in contact with and I’m not sure if he’ll eve change, biggest jerk ever !!
If you’re in similar situation please do reward yourself And move on, this could happened to anyone. You (we) have so much to look forward to in life And dealing with a N isn’t worth it 🙂
Thank you for the very helpful and insightful blog. Your characterization of being in relationship with a person who exhibits these behaviors and the impact that has on whoever they are in relationship with is very enlightening and comes closest to explaining what has been quite frankly unfathomable to experience. We are all complicit in some manner – either as the one with the “narcissist disorder” or as the co-dependent. I have a question for you and others who have found themselves struggling to move past (end, recover, become self-aware, remain open to possible healthier relationship)- When you do end a relationship with someone who has behaved this way do you just walk silently away and remove yourself and just state “please no contact, this relationship does not work for me” and leave it at that or do you include a clarifying statement and inform them as to why? In other words is there something of value – first to one’s self -respect and esteem to in some form hold them accountable for their actions/behaviors by giving them feedback on the impact of the way in which you felt ultimately treated? And second for their education/and to help prevent the possibility of their remaining clueless and never growing by the experience by perhaps name it- as in saying “I have come to understand that you may well be what can be termed as a narcissist and that my behavior was co-dependent to that and this blog (provide the link to your site) has helped me come to terms with the fact that this will never result in a healthy mutually respectful or compatible relationship- and I think that there may be important insight here for you as well.”
I’d welcome your thoughts and other’s experiences around this. And again, thank you for the blog.
rojabella: You would be surprised at the amount of emails I get from Narcissists -telling me off – who have been sent a link to my site by their partners, with comments like – this is you. The thing I always worry about when people end their relationships with a Narc is their safety. Narcs don’t do rejection well and if there are any violent tendencies in your Narc you never know what could happen. Whatever you decide to do always make sure that you’ve considered your safety first. You can try to show them, but the problem with that is these people are so disconnected from themselves and they take no responsibility for anything, it’s usually a waste of time. It’s never your responsibility to inform someone what their problems are. You don’t really gain much by telling them off and why you’re leaving. Your bliss comes from being away from them, healing yourself and living well.
Thanks. Safety is not at all an issue in this situation, thankfully. He’s not like that in the least. His response will likely be silence. But I do appreciate the feedback on just focusing on self in the matter, rather than the other… again! That’s the core issue for the co-dependent, right? So best to start out in the direction I hope to end in. Thank you.
In reply to your comment (I hope this is entered as a reply to a post I read, if not, please delete), I just made a comment addressing your questions under the name. D.
I also told him he needed therapy to which he replied that he would never go because it is unnecessary. N’s are untreatable, as they do not believe they need it. Their personality disorder is their personality.
He may try to get you back, the m.o. of N’s. He will not/cannot change. He’ll be worse. He will turn others against you. Call you needy. Spread lies about why you’re together again.FACT.
Cut off contact completely.Suck up the pain. It will fade. It is your only hope.
I just went back to my narcissist and feel extremely guilty and that I’m doing myself an injustice because I know the same physical and mental abuse will start all over again in time. I don’t know what to do… I so desperately want him to be the person he “could” be. Help!
Jill you have only 2 choices in this situation – you either a) accept him exactly as he is – abusive, manipulative, hurtful…. or b) you leave. Never put your happiness, needs and wants on hold until someone changes. If you’re sticking around waiting and hoping for him to change – you’re in for a long, long wait.
They say you should listen and they will actually tell you!
I listened when he said he was insecure,most of his friends were female,his ex wife cheated and took him for every penny.
I heard the lies..things which didn’t add up, thought it cute that he loved all the things I did,watched as he familiarised himself with others at work,brushed up against them, gave them cute names as he had me.
I knew there was something off about him,but I was smitten with the chemistry, chose to believe it was ‘just his way’ I fell hard for him, within weeks he was nothing short of stalking me telling me he loved me,wanted to be with me every minute of the day and I thought I’d gone to heaven!
Within three months he became distant,started confusing me with someone else and I watched as he moved onto the one he had been come close to before me, never quite breaking it off with me, always telling me he loved me still. The attention from him and his clever words always causing me to believe I had it wrong,he couldn’t be doing this with her too could he? He was too clingy, too obsessed with me, no it must be my imagination!
I felt it every time we were all together, like she and I were competing, but no, he was so intense when he made love to me, so jealous if anyone else came near me, no it must be me!
He always had an excuse on the days he couldn’t see me, everything slowed down but this didn’t match his words, maybe I said or did something which gave him cold feet?
Maybe I’m not seeing all the coincidences and evidence that he has moved on to her, after all he has always said he doesn’t like plump women, and he loves the way I move, smile, smell, and oooh my voice does things to him!
I am the love of his life and he would die for me,he can’t keep his hands off me, how could I doubt him?,no it must be me!
When I hear them whispering, kissing and talking intimately,I confront him and he tells me I imagined it, my stomach turning and my heart tearing apart because I know those sounds from him,they are exactly the same when he touches me, but he is so shocked,so adamant and over the top that I choose to try to play it down, because it must just be me!
When he takes me to our special place and looks me in the eyes and says “she means nothing to me, never has and never will” I hope with all hope that he has come back to me wholly, moved on from her,I must have made him feel insecure or something temporarily.
Every time we spoke and he mentioned things that just didn’t add up, he would say ” my memory is terrible” but nobody in love could possibly forget that it was me who gave him that special gift could they?, no he must just be having a bad day!
And every time I questioned something he would back off for a few days leaving me bereft, I would have to stop this, he thinks I’m paranoid!
I’m losing weight,can’t think anything else but him, where is he, is he with her? Then he calls and all his missed you, love yous make me melt, I really must try to be more patient!
I realise it’s been like this for months with lots of lies, inconsistencies and promises for the future,but I refuse to see that I’m being strung along.It’s difficult for him with work etc.
Then he must feel me pulling back because back he comes telling me he has been busy and miserable not being able to see me, family problems etc, but I don’t listen, just kiss him, and shiver as I hear those sounds again.
He can’t get enough of me,tells me how I’m the love of his life, his soulmate, and wants to spend his left with me…….if only…
And all those doubts move to the back of my mind…until tomorrow!
He has given me dramas, illnesses, and every other excuse there is, and I spent every single moment living in doubt one day and hope the next wondering if there is another one, knowing that if he can’t leave me be, there will also be others the same as me, the cycles and patterns are too clear now, and After four years of heartache,hope, doubts,lies, yearning, just for one of those promises to actually happen,
I know I have to see him for what he is, what he will never be, and let my heart move on.
I know it will be excrutiating, but I can’t live like this any more!
There were so many red flags in the beginning, there still are, but I no longer ignore them.
The worst part is coming to terms with yourself, what you allowed, and for what?
Love should never leave you doubting!
How is it possible there are so many of these vampires walking around in this world? I have just left a 6 year(though with many breaks in throughout) relationship with a pathetic loser who is a sorry excuse for a man. In the beginnning, it was champagne and roses, then it moved to sadomasochistic sex, constant cheating, crazymaking, belittling, critizing, incredible fits of rage and on and on. He would throw in bits of charm, champagne and roses when he saw I was ready to leave. Now after couples therapy for almost 8 months, I have thrown in the towel again. I am DONE! He is a bottomless pit of need. So needy and deeply unhappy and in constant need of someone trying to make him happy. I foolishly tried, over and over again with the end result of him asking me “what have you done for me, lately?” I am exhausted and fedup. I have nothing left to give and he is so empty he has nothing to give me. I will never let myself be treated like this again. Pathetic Loser, sorry excuse for a man.
Is it possible for narcs to find their “match”? Like, someone who they treat very differently and feel strongly than with all the other girls? If yes, how can someone be that “match” for a narcissist?
I’ve been in a relationship with a narc for 1 month, until I realized that he’s still in a relationship with his EXs! I broke up with him of course, but now we’re back together… But it’s just because I really really want to help him out. Not financially though. Just to make sure that he doesn’t get tangled with other girls because he promised that if I get back with him, it’s just gonna be me and him this time. Given that I know what he is, and I am no longer emotionally attracted to him after all he did, it will be best if I just make him stay with me. At least I know how to handle him. Or is it all lies because narcs are really incapable of staying in just one relationship at a time?
I have no feelings towards him except pity that he has to live with this kind of personality disorder. And I pity everyone else who is still hanging around for him.
Georgeanne: The perfect match for a narc is someone that lives in denial, always puts him first, puts up with abuse, denies their own needs and rationalizes and minimizes bad behavior. You say you’re over it but I sense the complete opposite. I remember saying to one of my friends, “I can’t let him go, he needs me.” And that sounds like exactly where you are – you’re still putting his needs ahead of yours and this stems from a fear of having to look at what is broken in you, because if you weren’t focused on fixing him – what would you do? You’d have to look at you and you don’t want to do that. Stop worrying about him – he’s a grown ass man – he can take care of himself – besides if you aren’t around I’m sure there are several other women who are also just trying to help him out. Stop worrying about him and start worry about you.
Is it possible for him to find his match – no. Some Narcs do stay in long term relationships, but they are never happy, healthy ones. Remember these people are skilled users and manipulators – so good that you often don’t recognize that you’re being used and manipulated. Do you want to keep hanging off of someone that only thinks of himself and makes a habit off of using others – there’s nothing here for you. Walk away.
This is my husband. He has left me five times. This time I’m making him stick to it, and he hates it. He wants to keep apologizing and seeing if we can be friends or hang out. No. It’s incredibly painful because I was so isolated with him that I have nobody now that I’m close to. So yes I miss him sometimes. But not really. It’s a long journey out of the darkness.
my ex boyfriend has narcissist behavior. He loves to be in control. when things don’t go his way, he rages. also no compassion. always needing financial help. has lots of female contacts. he is selfish. always bragging about himself.
This is me. I am this guy. I want to fix myself. I’ve destroyed everything and everyone. Is there hope? I’m so sorry to all of you. I never knew that this was a “thing”. I thought I was just a douchebag. I see now that I must be alone forever. I’m not capable of a relationship. I will just get hookers or something. I just don’t know. I’m so ashamed. I’m so sorry to all of you.
Why do I know all this and still feel like crying that he didn’t say goodbye and I won’t see him again?!
Even though I had read so many of these articles and have even decided to leave my job to get away from Narc when he knew I was leaving he begged for forgivenss and another chance. Like an idiot I took him back and within less than a week he was going cold. It ended again 4 days ago and I can’t believe how stupid I was. At least I don’t have to see him again after this week though. It’s been the toughest 2 months I can remember facing for years. It’s amazing that I still feel like crying that I won’t see him again, but I think when I leave the job then it will help me heal as the memory of it all will begin to fade. I’m so grateful for this article as it has helped me to realise I’m not completely crazy in the midst of all of this.
I suffer from Narcissist Addiction. My last Narc hooked me with “I’ll be your best buddy; the best “girlfriend” you ever had.” Sounded good to me because I had just gotten out of two previous Narc relationships. Incredible,I know! This particular PA Narc I caught in bold face lies in texting (he was too insecure to pick up the phone & call). Would deny exactly what he texted (it’s in writing idiot!) then projected on me! Told me I was psycho and needed therapy. He has a harem and I caught him. I showed up at a dance he goes to that I normally don’t attend and there he was. Danced with his harem girls and TOTALLY IGNORED ME! I watched him dance “our song” with another woman! He was also drinking hard liquor. He told me he had given up the booze. I caught him redhanded! Well, I got him back. I ignored his sorry ass at another dance we attend. He tried to conversate with me but I said “Hi” and turned my back. See how that feels! Now I’m feeling guilty for treating HIM like a jerk. This stuff is crazy! My adult son calls it “mind fucking”. That about sums it up.
I see my ex boyfriends face when I read these posts. We dated for 3 1/2 years. I’m stunned. And somehow at peace. My first post ever although i have been reading for sometime now. Thank you to all who have shared your tragedy. It helped me and hopefully helped you relieve yourself of the agony that became just unbearable to hold in. I cried burning tears because of the pain I was suffering and looked to him to help make the pain stop but he only made it worse. I left him a week ago and I tremble at the thought of ever seeing him again. I changed my number. I realized after sitting back and just watching him that I felt helpless and became frightened to feel the pain of his lack of emotion. After realizing that the I love you’s from him were empty I should of walked away. But I didn’t. It wasn’t until the talk of all the other women became too much for me to bare. Sleeping with him didn’t even feel good/right anymore it was almost as though I found myself cheating on myself just for a piece of ass. I could not even feel his love in the sac. I always felt like he was a robot so weird I know. I use to be fascinated by what I thought were quarks. I was so unaware of monsters like him. I thought…I don’t want to get polluted by this man or settle for a life of unhappiness and possibly acquire any of his monster like ways. He hit me. Not sure if that is a trait too but I sensed his reactions/reflexes were not right. These are all red flags. I know now. I didn’t know then. Thank you again for being here
Women also act this way. I’m a guy who got torched. Just my two cents because nobody else has mentioned it.
I get emails every day from men who want to remind me that women can also be Narcissists. When I started writing this blog it initially was a blog for women, but when I realized how many men were visiting the site and were seeking the same answers I decided to write in a more gender neutral manner, as you can see from my more recent posts.
I can see that I have been living this for 3 years. I have done the NO Contact for 2 weeks now. Very easy because he is gone.He always shows back up. I moved he cant find me. I changed my number and blocked facebook. Maybe this time I will make it.
do they ever have just one woman?
Yes T some of them do. I generally find it to be Cerebral Narcissists that stay in long-term relationships – and Somatic Narcissists that bounce from woman to woman – but not always.
This article really hit close to home. My ex was never diagnosed with narcissism by a professional but he was extremely emotionally abusive and shared most of the traits. We were together for 7 years and we had two kids. I was constantly discarded for any “new” women that approached me. When it first happened I blamed myself and thought that there had to be something wrong with me. How could someone with whom I shared children with and had taken so much from choose someone he just met over me so quickly. The way he moved on so quickly was almost as if I never existed. He would always try to reassure me by telling me that the new relationship wasn’t serious. That he was just dating the person and that me and his kids were still his number one priority. Yet, he would be telling this women something else. He would always try to keep me around as a friend. Trying to get things out of me and trying to guilt me into helping him out. Meanwhile he would be having full blown relationships with other women. He would show just enough affection to keep me hooked. If he suspected I was dating someone else he would fall into a rage, calling me names and threatening me. Then a few days later he would change and act like it was okay for me to be with other people. Then once his new relationships wouldn’t work out he would be back calling and trying to make it seem like he wanted his family back. It took this to happen 4 times before I began to realize that this was just who he was. He would be with me, plan on marrying me and meet someone else and break up with me. Try to keep me around as his friend while he was dating them. If it didn’t work he would bother me again. I was only ever thought about when no one else was in the picture. I realized I had to cut all ties with him when I subconsciously began waiting for him while he was with other people. Eventually I faced reality and knew I deserved so much better than what I was getting. I was being sold short and no one deserves to be treated that way. Not to mention the last time he pulled this I was 6 months pregnant. So, while he was parading around with new women I was at working and taking care of the kids alone while pregnant. He never offered any financial help but had no problem asking me for money. Relationships like this are toxic. Regardless or how long you’ve been mistreated or discarded allow today to be the last day anyone treats you this way. Walk away. It’s hard at first but gets so much easier with time!
This is an excellent article! I can so relate. I got dumped via facebook last month by my boyfriend of 18 months but he insisted on being friends and is in almost daily contact since but now i can see he just wants me in his harem. we broke up because he wanted me to be okay with him sleeping with other women. Stephanie i can so relate to your story. it’s almost like the same man! he was always saying ‘but baby it’s fine – you’re my number one, i LOVE you!’i told him to get lost. he suggested we get therapy to chat about it. I booked the therapy and he emailed the very next day to say he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. but he’s still emailing saying he loves me and misses me but he won’t accept ANY blame cos I am in the wrong because i don’t ‘love him for who he is’. he’s told me i am free to sleep around as well and we can both do it, but I’m trying to make him understand this is not normal. he’s trying to add me to his harem but once this weekend is over I’m through. we have a family dinner to get through on Saturday but after that i am going no contact. i went around last week to pick up my stuff and he told me about 3 different ex’s he was chatting to/met up with . when i asked him if he slept with any of them he looked at me like i was crazy and said ‘see, you always do this, jump to conclusions’.. he constantly tells me about other girls to make me jealous, even invites some over for “book readings” – he seems to have a fan club made up entirely of women who stay in his house but are just his ‘friends’. I’ve been around there when they are staying over / visiting so i think he does that to drive them crazy as well. luckily i am strong and can see right through him now, doesn’t all this point to him being a narcissist?? he’s never been diagnosed. i told him he was one but he said he couldn’t be as he cries at rom coms??!?! he doesn’t care about my needs, constantly moves the goalposts and triangulates. it’s been nearly 3 weeks now and although i miss him I’m starting to improve. what do i miss? the abuse? the crazy making behaviour? i need to figure out why I’m putting up with this crap and until then, i will take a break from dating. he broke my heart – i had a full on panic attack and couldn’t stop shaking and crying when i read thebreak up email, it came COMPLETELY out of the blue, the night previously he wanted to try everything to stay together, he was the one the suggested therapy , then boom! my heart goes out to all of you on this site, we’re all here for the same reason, someone we loved never really loved us at all – once that realisation hits, as hard as it is, it makes it easier somehow – you’ve to look at them like they’re not fully functioning adults, and they aren’t.
Being married or offering marriage as a ‘reward’ is meaningless with these people. I was married and we had two children and was finally done when I caught him having sex with his step sister in our home. The hardest part for me was knowing that me and the boys meant nothing (especially me) and I really relate to the waiting – I was always waiting – waiting for things to get better – waiting for some crisis or drama (narc created) to be over with – and they never were. He is on to another supply now – still my ego smarts a bit here and there but I know deep down that I have had a lucky escape. I think that it is easy for them to move on quickly as the quality of the relationship does not matter – unlike normal folks they are not looking for a soul mate, a great friend or even basic compatibility – they are looking for a willing resource to manipulate and feed from.
I’m sorry to say, this has been my life off and on for TEN YEARS. What the hell?? I know better, I’ve been treated better by one night stands I’ve had. But all this is painfully true. Trust me, he’s not going to pick you. You will not be “the one”. He will not “come to his senses”. Please run for your life. It’s not easy recovering from this madness.
Wow. This finally made me realize what has really been going on with my life. I have been with a man for the last two years. I became involved with him soon after my boyfriend died suddenly. Things were wonderful for the first year. We went out of town for his sisters wedding and he and his sister humiliated me in front of his entire extended family within the first ten minutes of being there. I made him drive me 600 miles home immediately. After that things began going south. He began not coming to bed with me at night and I would get up to find him masturbating and not even realizing I was there looking at him. I also got onto his phone and found that he was texting his old girlfriend just to “check in”. One of his exes chastised him for calling her when she was with her husband but then proceeded to ask him to send her nude pictures. She also invited him to join her playing texas hold-em on a site but that was really so they could chat without being caught. He has begun to tell me that I am over sensitive, crazy, untrusting. He also gaslights me by telling me he never did that and that I am imagining things. He lives with me and owns an apartment. I know he is planning on leaving as soon as one comes available but does not know I know this. I am trying to protect myself and my assets until he can leave. Of course since i have told him I am unhappy he has once again tried to put me on a pedestal. Strange how all of our relationships seem to be identical except with small detail differences. I keep reminding myself I am not crazy. But sometimes I think I really am. One of his girlfriends has actually called and warned me about him. I am so amazed that I allowed myself to get into this situation.
Came across your “blog” reading your comments as well as others with their stories…. no matter how much deep inside it hurts me I got trapped into this type of behaviour from someone. I should have listened to locals on their comments of him but my husband died and N knew of this I suppose he preyed on me and being vulnerable I took it. Little did I know he was married! The lies, the stingyness, the distrust, the put-downs, the charm, jekyll & hyde character, in the 4th year (2013) was the worst. Found out about other women 2 I knew them. Lied about where he was going for holidays, even had a rifle at my place. The vindictiveness. Never did anything for nothing always to do with $ not only did I have the suicide of my husband to deal with but also this N my heart was shattered 4 months ago. The disrespect discard. My dog loved him. He has no empathy. God knows what the situation is with his wife. He hardly works I heard he had been bragging about having a 35year old Columbian girl. N is 58. French background which he always loved bragging about. I spoilt him. He told me I was fat all the time which I knew I wasn’t, I am quite attractive just been through a lot of dysfunction with family and men. I am now 50. I called him the c word, told him he used me, now onto next victim but I did not know about the Narcissist character until I came across comments on website… definitely him I still am heartbroken but has made me more aware on him. After 4 mths has contacted me 6 times in two weeks, last 2 calls I never took. Thank you for this. Cheers
Oh my goodness! Here I am at 1am loosing sleep over my ex of 8 years flying to Atlanta to help move his newest member into his house. Oh No it is NOT a Girlfriend- just an elderly woman with Parkinsons and a deep bank account. I was counting up all his girlfriends yesterday- most of whom hate and refuse to speak to him, and I never heard it explained as a harem, but now I know that if he had his way, all of those ex girlfriends would be on his speed dial AND he would still be blowing hot and cold right on up and over them all.
Thanks so much for writing this. I never could figure out why he acts like he does but now it all makes sence!
So accurate. I have been in a relationship – if I can call it this – for over 2 years now with my narcissist, a huge rollercoaster ride. When good it’s loving, passionate, and we laugh a lot. He hotly pursued me at the start, talked about marrying me, never felt this way for anyone etc etc. (Most annoying thing is – I hadn’t felt this way for anyone either – but my feelings were for real.) He has always told me how much he loves me, always will, interspersed with periods of silent treatment & cold spells which I have accommodated. Just 5 weeks ago was talking about how he might propose, said it WILL happen. All this year, he has consistently been the one talking about things we must do eg.in the summer – involving time with my family, places we must go. I thought he was at last starting to confront his fear of commitment. However, at the same tine he has been managing down my expectations – seeing less and less of me, as he was stressing about a downturn in his business, tired & needed space to think and work. I’ve patiently tried to give him space. Just over 2 weeks ago I annoyed him one morning by keeping him waiting too long while I went off to find a public toilet somewhere (15 mins he said) when we’d gone out for the day. When I got back he raged at me asking why I’d been so long & said we were going home instead. As soon as we got back to his place and I had picked my car up & driven off he ditched me by text, saying it had been coming to an end for a very long time, leave him alone and find someone else who gives a damn. Five days before he had texted saying how happy he was to have me and loves me. Few days before had texted he would always love me. Couple of weeks before ‘I’m so in love and devoted to you’ – so his ‘dump text wording’ was totally at odds with all he’s been saying all year at least. We’ve had hardly any contact since this – for once I just deleted it and didn’t reply. Unfortunately we had to have contact last week as we are connected through our work. These texts have been mostly cold & business-like, on his behalf particularly, apart from the odd kiss he’s thrown in on a couple of messages. No contact at all for last 5 days until today, when he texted asking how I am. I replied quite vaguely. He said he was good and asked how I was male company wise. When I replied ‘such as what. I don’t flip switches off just like that’ he said ‘well no hard feelings I hope?’. He has treated me like cr*p SO many times – and this latest ditching alone, following on so close on the heels of all his latest declarations of love for me….. yet all he’s worried about is that I don’t think badly of him. I replied ‘what??!! Hard feelings? How about hurt? Broken? Led up the garden path?’ (stupid of me I know as this likely will have given him a kick to know he’s achieved that.) I said he obviously had someone new within these last 2 weeks then and he said ‘no but I would like to think we could be friends. Like me and my ex-wife’. (They got divorced 25 years ago!! She has been happily re-married to a normal guy for years now and thinks my narcissist is a spiteful piece of sh*t from her miserable experiences with him. But because she feels nothing for him now it is easy enough for them to be ‘friends’. It doesn’t affect her now.) I eventually replied late tonight that there are a lot of things I’d like to think too…..basically like to think he’d ever meant what he’d said etc. I haven’t dared check my phone since as I know he will only come back with more cold and detached comments that will hurt to the core. No matter what ******** we know these guys to be, how come it hurts so darn much to lose their ‘supposed’ love. I know….the answers are sadly too loud and clear in any articles you can find. I wish I’d known all this before I fell SO SO deeply for this vacant player.
You hit the nail right on the head! This is exactly what they do. The ole she is just my friend on Facebook routine…yeah she and all 100 of the others he has on Facebook to. Wow you perfectly described it!
OMG! I cried when i read this. This is me for 9 years now… 🙁 thank you for laying this out exactly how it is..
It really sucks when the other harem member is your biological sister of which the Narc purpose keeps the two of you at odds with his lies. Never leaves enough time in between the switch for us to come together and heal. Also cuz she has a child with him, a child that he rarely sees or spends any quality time with allows the easy brain washing of the evident weaker sister who he convinces that they will always have contact cuz they have a kid together. She is blind when she is with him but yet so cognizant of his betrayel methods and his manipulating and scandalous ways when she is left for her sister who he pursues time and time again! When this happen she does not stand with her sister against this total disrespect and heartbreaking maneuver but is often mean and violent towards the sister throughhout the time she oud once again trappef by the Narc. And when the Narc has gotten his full of this sister and leaves, the once angry n over it sister who is once again pursued takes him back to feel Superior to the other harem members and out of spite or pay back to the others. Its been a vicious cycle of abuse that without education on NPD would leave your heart and mind spinning!
This describes my situation to a T. I’ve been going through this for 2.5 years. And it’s only gotten worse, never better. I want so badly to believe his promises, that he’s grown up or learned his lesson and that this is going to be the time that he actually follows through, but NO, the joke is on me…again!!! On 2/17, he asked me to marry him. Then disappeared. I’ve found Xxxxxxx on Tinder, meaning that he’s actively looking for someone else. I keep rehearsing how to say “No” when he contacts. However, the reality is that I say “yes” when he does contact. I’m in so much pain even though I realize it is self-induced. I’m a smart woman whose fallen for lies which makes me feel stupid. It’s almost as if he is a representation of self-hatred and keeping him in my life shows me that I truly do NOT love myself as much as I think I do. Because if I did, Xxxxxxx would not be in my life!
Wow…After reading all the comments..this is my former NARC all rolled into one. It’s sad to classify him this way but it gets me off the hook.Dating 4 years.Friends for 4 months & now hopefully the last stage is cutting him out.Not what I really wanted to do but it sounds pretty hopeless after he has moved on to the next victim.I was giving from the beginning. Thinking my love could “fix” him. But after reading the article & all the comments L really don”t think this is possible. His problem not mine.
Wow, you just described 10 YEARS of my life to a tee! You’re right…I always thought he would eventually see that I was the ONE for him and would commit to me only….but it never happened….he remained a cheater and a liar and I remained faithful and hopeful. The worst part is knowing that I truly gave him every part of my being until it literally hurt… and now I realize that he didn’t give a sh** about me. I wish that I would have given up hopes and prayers a long time ago…he wasn’t worth the damage.
To add a little spice. My ex is the owner of 4 fancy houses, built with the money of his exes. 3 of them rented so he dont need to wake up early and go to work. I think I am the only lucky one who got out of this 5 years relationship after supplying him with all but money. Guess what! He is building the house again for the next poor soul. How do you call this profession? Why those women don’t want their houses, money back? They feel relieved to end the story peacefully, run away and never look back.
Wow I’m a recent textbook example of what you have written – right down to the fancy dinner, charming old self followed by offer of not getting back together but being FWB. (no more intimacy)
The look of disbelief that I wasn’t going to go for this ‘great plan’ on reuniting us was priceless. Oh and did I mention that he also needed my business/office skills? in his mind he wouldn’t be using me if he paid me. I could just work for him holding together his business and be the best of FWB….
when only a few weeks ago, I spent 1-4 nights a week at his house for the past year and a half playing couple.
Caught red handed lying, denying, blaming, manipulating, basically everything narcissists do.
The part I don’t like is knowing he’ll be back again but never knowing when he’ll show up or what story he’ll be telling.
Thank you for outlining the exact area that my N wants to place me in his life! After a day-long texting fury of I need to stay away from you… and my need to understand why… it finally come out! He wants to be friends with benefits! SMH! I don’t need membership to his egotistical club! Toodles idiot! I’ve got better things to do! Still reeling!
I have a narcissistic ex husband who betrayed me. I cut him off completely when I found out. We split up 2.5 years ago and he is still with the other women and living together and seems so happy in pictures of the two of them. I bumped into them at a party and although they weren’t necessarily loving to each other, they seemed fine.
I just can’t understand or get my head around it. How is it possible? He had me nuts and was mind boggling. I was getting fat and anxious all the time. Constant jealously. She looks fine, happy, smiling, healthy. How is that possible? does anyone have any opinions about this? It haunts me to this day.
Thank you for this article. It describes my ex exactly.
I am a 41 year old widow with a seven year old, and was contacted by my N while my husband was dying. We had a superficial relationship fifyeen years earlier that fizzled on its own. I thought he was boring, but a nice guy. I never understood why he wanted to keep in touch, but there was no need to be rude.
Fast forward fifteen years later, he was getting divorced at the same time my husband died and we had children the same age. We saw eachother for just under two years long distance when I uprooted myself and my little boy to start a new family with him in NY.
Whenever I couldn’t account for his distant behavior he claimed that he was damaged from his divorce, he needed healing time, and that he “wasn’t ready” for me but he wasn’t willing to let me go. He insisted that he needed “alone time” to sort through his emotions. N loved that I wasn’t “controlling” or “manipulative” like his ex-wife such that I was trusting enough to give him a “wide pasture.” He appreciated my “independence,” in th way that I let him “be free.” I couldn’t understand why he seemed to care so much about our hypothetically remaining friends if we were to hypothetically break up.
N tried to delay my move, but I told him that either we were going to move forward with our relationship or we needed to break up. I told him that his contact with former intimate partners was inappropriate. N explained that they were his friends, although after some time he conceded that they were part of a dysfunctional past that he was leaving behind and that he had minimal contact with them.
The minute my son and I got to NY we were treated with thinly veiled contempt. N focused all of his attention on trying to buy a house together, and brought his little girl to live with us half the time, yet he scheduled at least three weeks of vacations without us in the three months we lived in the new house. He also insisted on staying a couple nights in the city each week because “the commute was so stressful.”
My son was devastated that his dream of a new father was crushed and kept asking me when N was going to show up.
Before his last trip, I told him to think very hard about the kind of family he would like and I’ll do the same and when he got back from his trip we would compare notes and try to work something out. Before another trip, we had a three hour discussion which ended in his texting me “I’m sorry I am such a jerk. I hope you don’t think this is who I am. You deserve better and I deserve better of myself. I’m going to talk I someone when I get back.”
Finally when he got back from the last trip, he told me “something isn’t clicking.” I responded that he there was NO WAY in hell there wasn’t another woman because when things get rough for him he ALWAYS diversifies his “relationship portfolio,.” which he had claimed to have cut off for me. I called him a shitty partner and a shitty liar. He cried and told me he was afraid he would never be able to give his “whole heart” to someone.
I called the movers the next the next day.
I have one regret: I called him a shitty liar. Man, was I wrong about that.
I had to stop by and leave a comment after reading this (and providing a link to this article on my blog).
After picking my jaw from the floor, I re-read this again and again.
I have been in no contact with my ex N for a month now, and am finally picking up the pieces of my broken heart. Like every lady on here – I fell hard.
We were together only six months, but I knew he was bad news from date #2, when he invited me to meet his friends – and all of them were women. I could tell he was still sleeping with one of them.
I still stayed, thinking “oh, I will be the BEST – his FAVORITE – and he will PICK ME!” Such an unhealthy place to be. What ever happened to US picking THEM?
The final straw was after I snooped through his phone one morning while he was still snoring next to me. I know it was wrong, but his phone was just buzzing like crazy, and I knew they were all women. So I read all his texts. It made me sick.
After he woke up I confronted him and he turned it around on me: “How can you betray my trust by going through my phone?!”
I told him to F-off and left.
Here’s the crazy part. After a week, I was begging to be his friend! I missed him so much.. but the universe did me a favor, because he’s still so angry with me about going through his phone and won’t talk to me.
I miss the great sex and tons of laughs, but I DON’T miss feeling like I’m in competition.
It’s been almost 2 years since I left my Narc/BPD relationship. One of the most painful parts was having to physically leave the place that I loved, my home because I knew after many years that if I stayed physically in the same place as him I would always be manipulated back into the same bullshit. I’m reading and writing because though I am in a healthy relationship with a wonderful, kind person now I still feel haunted and often have dreams that make me relive the pain over and over again. I have been perplexed because it’s been so long. I should be over it, right? Well, I’m not and I feel guilty and weak that I’m not over it. Right after I left XXXX XXXXXXXXX swooped up one of my good friends, she was moved in with him within a month of me leaving. I thought that she was one of my best friends. I just have to remind myself that I also fell victim to his manipulation so many times. I thought it was my fault that I wasn’t good enough and that perhaps she is but I know now, from lots of therapy, that there is NO good match for a narcissist!! She is now in the same pain I was and although my hurt and anger are still here ultimately I feel pity on her.
I just wanted to thank all of you that have commented and to those who wrote the article. Especially all the parts about, sleep, reactive depression, nightmares, etc.. I thought I was crazy and totally lame that I still carry the pain around and dream of him and her so often still.
All of this has helped me feel okay about where I’m at and helped me to see how damaging these people and relationships can really be. I don’t have to feel so crazy and weak anymore about still reeling from this experience.
Research characteristics of “REAL” Narcissistic/Borderline/Anti-social… Personality Disorder!!! It’s not just someone who think’s they’re pretty awesome and likes to look at themselves in the mirror. It’s so much more.
Our society’s casual idea of what Narcissism is NOT the reality! They will manipulate you every time you try to leave. You feel like you can’t go on without them because they have groomed you to feel that way. That’s not real! – even though you feel physically ill and overly fearful at the thought of leaving. I promise that It will never end! It is impossible for them to change because of the type disorder they have does not allow them to look at themselves the way that we can and they NEVER will be able to.
So ultimately please hear my advice…(I do realize that kids and marriage make this even more complex and difficult)…
BUY YOURSELF A PLANE TICKET TO SOMEWHERE SAFE AND AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT….BECAUSE IT DOES!!!….even if it means leaving everything you love and where you want to be.
….and STOP BELIEVING THAT YOU’RE NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH, STRONG ENOUGH, SMART ENOUGH, SKINNY ENOUGH, ETC…
IT’S A LIE!
THEY NEED YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY SO THEY CAN KEEP YOU THERE TO KEEP SUPPLYING THEM WITH WHAT THEIR DISORDER NEEDS TO SURVIVE.
REMEMBER THEY ARE NOT WELL – THEY ARE MENTALLY ILL….you can’t expect “normal” behavior from them. So STOP TRYING!
Love yourself and don’t look back.
Lots of love and kind regards to all of you xoxo
This is an amazing read! I can finally relate to this. My ex narcotics kept many ex g/f which I fought with him constantly over and couldn’t understand. Obviously we were all in the same boat. I believe he was able to continue his deceit as he would not ever committed but lived with his mother he was (35). I foolishly had 2 children with his guy and wasted 10 years, hoping,waiting for him to committee to us his family. Even when his mother passed he went on to buy a flat, suposinly for our future?. Unfortunately he was violent and abusive and that was the straw to break the camels back. I have now been free 8 maths in and thankfully his lack of commitment set me free. He has offered me the friendship card which I politely told him to shove up his a««e. I can finally say I’ve figured him out, so thank you for this post!
this site has truly been my saving grace in such a difficult time in my life. Savannah does it matter if narcissists are married or is the treatment towards the wife the same? what if shes a doctor and takes him on vacations and spends her money and treats him like a king. Does that make a difference or will the end result always be the same. I know my narcissist ex will never change but he seems so happy right now it makes me sick because im miserable, alone and have nothing -my self esteem is in the toilet-how do i compare with her a doctor who lavishes him -i used to treat him well too within my means he loved me then but he forgets me now and goes far as denying me! calling me a psycho hoe-i cant take it i wanna tell her but at the same time i dont wanna be the one to break it up and him blame me i want him to see that he himself will be the one to screw it all up just like he always does. Should you forgive a cheater ladies- i say never because a man who loves and respects you enough and has integrity would never in a million years do that to you. and they will continue to do it-often times its not that theyre sorry they did it just sorry they got caught! i want him to get caught but i dont wanna bring drama into my life with this woman either, i see their facebook pics it drives me crazy i feel like im in a nightmare i cant eat or sleep. i hate him and that i cant just let it go but for me its a pride thing i know that my pride and ego cant take the rejection i was used and discarded and i cant allow him to walk away unscathed and on top of that be happy and living the good life with money and vacas! but i believe in karma i know he will get whats coming his way. i think he doesnt care to hurt and reject people because that what he experienced in his life growing up-hurt pain rejection lonliness and now this temporary filler of the void is in his life but is she actually filling his void or just giving him what he wants in the moment-what about when the novelty wears off. He’ll be back out there lookin for something new or go back to something old who he has history with and feels comfortable with. His stupid uneducated ass who cant even spell doesnt have the emotional or mental intelligence required to heal that void.
I no longer care about the narcissistic ex husband or the narc-lite ex boyfriend (rockstar with harem).
But I care about my children. Crumbs absolutely describes what I got out of near 20 years of marriage. I am now trying to figure out what normal giving is… and not get into an “over giving” situation.. tips appreciated.
Also for my children .. they have to live with the Narc 50% of the time. His shine is starting to wear off and I want to learn how to teach them to protect their own hearts.
Suggestions greatly needed.
My problem with the Narc ex husband is he fancies himself religious, so he collects pastors and church people and work associates not women… he used me for money until it was all gone and many people assume he may be a self-hating gay.. he certainly was not into sex.
But.. i would greatly appreciate it if he would give up he is married to me forever bull. I divorced him. I desperately want him to find another woman and leave me alone.
Any tips on how to get him to really leave me alone? I am not remarried… that might help … he already calls me a slut and says any relationship i have is not legal in God’s eyes.
So he likes to tell the children he will get me back.
There is no way. He hit one of the children and I will never ever accept him back.
I am trying no contact but he keeps breaking it in the most obnoxious ways.
I have our family wizard and he won’t use it.
Is there anything else that works I can do to get this man to give up.. but not focus on the children either? He is a relentless punisher.
It is 2:52 am in the morning and my “N” boyfriend whom I live with mistakenly programmed his phone so that his text messages and phone calls are announced. He got a text message from a woman he is seeing who calls herself a Minister saying “When are we going to make love again?” I am literally shaking with anger (at myself) hurt,disgust and rage. I want so bad to call her and tell her about herself but after reading this and all the other articles I know she is nothing but a link in his chain of fools. Poor dear thinks she and I are the only one’s (smh). I am slowly but surly getting myself together so that when I walk away I will never look back. I prayed to God to break the unholy soul ties I had created with this man and free me from the fear of leaving him and being alone. I am now spending more time concentrating on me and praying to God for spitual guidance deliverance and favor. I am no longer a victim and I have taken the key to my happiness out of his pocket and placed it my heart and mind where it belongs. But there is a part of me that wants to take my Ipad and bash him upside the head. But that thought is fleeting and I have to remain focus and set my heart body and soul on the task at hand which is to step out on faith and out of this relationship and never look back!
Omg. It it letter to letter my ex relationship. I lived on crumbs. He charmed , lived multiple lives and lied seemlessly. For years I believed because I wanted to believe. He charms everyone he meets and prides himself on the way he “manages” people. The way he can talk them off the ledge.
He snows his family and his work. Everyone think he is this wonderful golden. Ky. But he has women’s broken hearts clanging around him like wind chimes. No remorse.
Perfect description of my last experience. Who has more than 1,200 Facebook friends? And just for fun I did an average m/f ratio – 3/7 – 77% of his FB friends are female with several that I know of being past relationships. Of course those relationships were short-term and they didn’t work out for whatever reason, and of course it never had anything to do with him; it was her fault.
We “tried” several times at different levels, actually. Starting out intensely and very involved. Each time would be at a lesser level of relationship with the last actually being “friends with benefits”. I was the friend, he got the benefits. If there was something going on in my life and I could use a bit of comfort or support I learned quickly that he was not going to be around to play a part. I don’t know why I expected differently, when we were supposedly having more of a relationship he wasn’t actually there either.
Several times he ghosted. And when this resulted in confusion and hurt feelings on my part HE acted as though he were the injured party when I articulated my feelings. Granted, I’m a horrible communicator, so I wrote it all down to ensure that I wasn’t overly emotional and accusatory. Not the best way to work out problems, but having an actual discussion about these things was out of the question. There was no such thing as a discussion about something I was concerned with.
I began to suspect NPD relatively early but I questioned my judgement, made allowances, and excused his behavior over and over again. He seemed to think the other people in his life exhibited narcissistic traits. He was always saying this person or that person was a narcissist and that their treatment of him was narcissistic. He would brag about his successes, describe some rather far-out future plans that would bring him accolades, and be disappointed with others in his life who didn’t measure up to the standards he needed them to be at in order to achieve these goals. He loves the spotlight and revels in the attention he gets for hosting events and organizing things. At times he would receive attention that he appeared not to expect from a woman. This would put him over the moon, it was amazing and rather hurtful to hear him go on and on about some small piece of acknowledgement he received from another woman while I was with him. This was especially so since he seemed constitutionally unable to compliment me on my achievements, appearance, generosity, etc. This person does some admirable things in the community, and he knows nearly everyone in our small area. Unfortunately I had just returned to the area after some time away when I met him, and I didn’t know that he has a well known reputation for being unable to have an actual relationship with the women he dates.
I really can go on… and on. In the end what the article says is completely accurate: “…all the while you are on an emotional rollercoaster never knowing where you stand or when he’s coming or going.” Keep in mind, as I didn’t, that no matter what level you try to maintain a relationship at or what distance you try to keep, you need to be very aware and very firm about the boundaries you set. The person with NPD will vault those boundaries in no time flat, doing so while you watch in amazement at their audacity after what they have already put you through. No excuses, no wheedling and no flattery should be allowed to sway your position.
i to was involved with a narcissist for over 20 years. i to went through all the motions of the low self eesteem,heartbreak when we broke up which was about three years ago. he is with somebody new now and have been sinse we seperateded. what hurts me the most is we have 3children together and he act as if i mean nothing to him. from what i read, i dont think that i do mean anything. the new girl left her for 2months and thats when he decided he wanted to make things work with her.after telling me the hole time he not sure who he wanted to be with.we slept together the hole time and i knew he was with her too. i finally dicided when he told me it was her he wanted.i stopped sex and allowing him to come to my house when he wanted to.i for the hell of it recently ask him to borrow me money, i had never ask him sinse we broken up. to make a long story short.. he didnt give it to me. that hurt me the most to think he dont at all care about me well being and i have help him a lot during this process, even when i knew he was with someone else. from the research i read, they do know rite from wrong. i understand he cant help who he is. but rite is rite and wrong is wrong!
Wise words! I lived with a narcissist for 10 years and it was hell.
He was handsome, charming, and funny, but could be moody and demanding. Before me he’d had many brief relationships, and often the women would end the relationship in an hysterical screaming fit. Things were thrown etc. I was not a jealous woman by nature, but his contact with his ‘Harem’ drove me crazy. One ex he used to take grocery shopping because she couldn’t drive. Another ex used to give him a back massage because she was struggling to get her business up and running. I knew these women, so didn’t doubt his words that he was not involved with them romantically. I just thought the whole set up was incestuous.
I had little dating experience having come out of a 25 year marriage. I was vulnerable, and he seemed to need me. He was a mess. His business was doing badly etc. He kept me dangling with the possibility of a future together. “next year is our year” he would say smiling that cute little boy smile. You’re too nice, he used to say to me.
I put everything into helping him with his business, sorting out his finances, organising his home. Eventually he inherited some money, his business was doing very well, he had his act together. I was exhausted, financially poor, and isolated. He moved on to a professional woman, younger, fitter than me. It broke my heart. That was 18 months ago.
I set up a ‘no contact’ regime when we broke up. Unfortunately he had just moved house, and it was to the house opposite me! (You couldn’t make this up!) So now I had to avoid bumping into him in the street. Fortunately he travels, and his business takes him away frequently.
Now he has broken the no contact rule. I had an operation and he found out somehow. He rushed round to my house, and being isolated and vulnerable (once again!) thought we could be civilised and good friends.
I do not want him back. We had a long conversation over a coffee. He said the breakup was his fault and he’d treated me badly. I said it was my fault as I am responsible for ALLOWING him to abuse me. We parted with a friendly sidehug and I said ‘good old friends’.
I thought that was the end of it and at least now we could bump into each other in the street and say ‘hi’ – possibly help each other out in an emergency etc. but he’s inundating me with ‘help’ via DVDs, newspapers, adverts. I might be interested in, containers of soup etc.
The bottom line is his new relationship has hit rocky terrain. She wants him to move in with her, and he wants to spend money travelling to South America for a year.
I am Narcissist Supply. Territory he THINKS he has control over. I am not playing this new game. I will not be a Harem Member! Thankfully I’m going to be up and mobile very soon and will eventually sell up and move. It’s the only way to get away! And I’m not an idiot – I’ve a university degree under my belt, which goes to show that intellect has nothing to do with being a victim of one of these types.
I know someone who is exactly like the guy you describe! You said perfectly what I have been trying to express.
Wow – this was my life married to Tom Xxxxxx ! His harem – omg ! Women up and down the east coast , all along when home dealing me the cards of physical ,demeaning belittling abuse – So glad I finally woke up and moved on with my life – the only thing now being divorced is having him influence out son. Although I have full custody , I worry with every visit that my son will be influenced by him .
one of the ways that work in moving forward is to reiterate the fact that he is who he is and that he can never be anyone else. He put up a picture of his new supply and she’s in her bra. it hurt me a bit but I won’t let it mess up my healing process. I wasn’t the first nor the last. I always knew/felt that I was part of the harem
but I refused to believe it. Now I believe it and realise that I’m not crazy after all.
Chin up ladies, you are out because you know your worth.
omg, this has hit the nail on the head. My ex i left 4 months ago has his harem on facebook too. He’s with one of them now, she has already moved in with him. 2 weeks after i left she moved in as a housemate and a couple of weeks later she moved into his bed. He also threw me the friend card, we have a son together but i told him after the way he treated me we can’t be friends because friends don’t do that. He has been so hot and cold, i had to cut all contact with him and only really talk via text about our son. He also keeps telling me that he knows i am not coping (he wouldn’t know anything, he hopes i am not coping) i am coping really well and i am glad i woke up to what he is before i let him continue to emotionally abuse me and our son who is 3 now.. my saving grace was his ex before me (with whom he had poisoned me against, telling me how bad she was and making me not want to talk to her) about a month before i left him i started to talk to her and compare stories and they were exactly the same. Now it has started with his new girl, doing everything for him. I hope in her darkest moment she has the courage to contact me and do the same as i did, it was a real weight lifted off my shoulders and i even cried with relief when i spoke to his ex… The next guy i meet will have to wait… about 2 years before he gets a relationship out of me, and i will be talking the his exes before i make up my mind on him lol
Again, this is a chillingly accurate profile.
I have a question for you that has been playing on my mind for a long time. I am about to confront my current narcissist BF and give him the final marching orders. I have tried many times before to finish this relationship except I was unarmed with the knowledge that he might be a narcissist and got sucked back into the relationship, confused by his drip feed of attention, thoughtful offers of help, sending intimate photos of us together asking “is it too late?” …and it goes on. This man is extremely clever, cold and manipulative. I do not want to repeat the same mistakes and I do not want to be hounded for months on end as part of his extra curricular harem. When I finished the relationship and we had four months apart last year, he offered me the friendship card and I declined telling him I’d only be excepting it with a big phoney smile. My question is this. Do I tell him he is a narcissist? I really want to email him a link to the list of all his traits that show up on any site that defines a narcissist. I want to expose him to himself. I want him to know his cover is blown. He is not violent and I wouldn’t be afraid for my safety in any way. At worst he is verbally spiteful. Do you think he would take any of it on board or shall I just simply finish the relationship with no explanation and walk away for good?
In answer to your question I’ll ask you a question. What is it that you hope to gain by exposing him? When my relationship ended with my long term Narcissist I told him he was a Narcissist. He laughed at me. I told our friends he was a Narcissist, what I had forgotten was that he was so charming and manipulative,they all thought he was a great guy and I looked like the crazy one. With my boomerang Narcissist when I told him of my findings he flew into a rage. On the plus side he was so fearful of me exposing him to the rest of his harem that he cut me off completely, so my Narcissistic Supply was soured and he left me alone after that. The problem with these guys is they are unpredictable, so you don’t know what repercussions are going to come your way. They are also very vindictive, so whatever you visit upon them expect it to come back to you. My advice is, be satisfied that you know the truth. You don’t owe him any explanations and remember you control all of this. End it and stop any further contact.
This is a really good read for me, Must admit that you are one of the best bloggers I ever saw.Thanks for posting this informative article.
This also describes my ex-boyfriend to a T. Including one of his “friends” sending me facebook requests to spy on me. He is surrounded by a cadre of lonely women who think he is wonderful and a gentleman. But once you get into an intimate relationship with him, you will know you are not number one, but one more source of narcisistic supply.
Thanks for writing this! I can relate so much to this with my ex-bf. This describes him exactly. It was extremely difficult to get away from him too. Still recovering! He kept me hanging on using every line and every trick he could think of. Not wanting me to get away but wanting everything on his terms. Very sick, very manipulative people. These abusive people will suck every last drop of life out of you if you let them! Watch out! If one gets ahold of you RUN before you get caught up!
Once again another great entry. I actually have a few things to ask you, would you have some time to answer them?
Wow! What can I say, this is spot on to how my ExN was in EVERY way! Thanks for writing this, it’s great validation that I wasn’t just imagining it AND as I run a board on Pinterest exclusively with information on NPD,for those recovering from narcissistic abuse,and plan to share your article there… hopefully,your fair words of warning will be even more far reaching!!! Great post,Thank you!! K:)
SO nice to find this blog today. I am in No Contact now for 1 month. I left him Christams Day after 3 years of hell….thankfully we’re not living together.
I met him walking my dog. we walked every day together for 2 months so when it was my birthday he took me to dinner and we had sex with lots chemistry and passion. That was the ONLY time that happened. now, 3 years later, I can count on one hand how many time we had sex since AND it was just a 5 minute quickey. But it wasn’t about the sex for me..i genuinely loved this guy..his mannerisms his cool..there was something so different about him..i fell hard!
He’d call 5-8x day, for 2 yrs we spent everyday together walking our dogs and having dinner. We became best friends so I, and I kept hoping it would evolve to acommitted loving relationship. Now I know that was impossibel.
Things he got from me:
I financed the home he built helping paint and decorate and landscape.. over time i could see i was walking his dogs for him..i was buying dinners all the time..i was the one doing all the work! While he was off seducing women.He never introduced me to friends or family as his girlfriend so he could keep his options open. He
never did anything special for me…never sent flowers or gave me a personal, thoguhtful gift. His moods were high and low..one minute whistling and happy then next screaming at me like whatever just happened was my fault ..but then he’d call with that sweet voice…such a trap. I was a prisoner. All my time and money spent on him and his dogs. I recognized his narcissism after the first year BUT he owed me a lot of money for the house and I was afraid he’d never pay me back if i left him. So i stayed with him until i finally got paid. But by then i was pulled back into his web. But then his interest in me tanked even lower…he mentioned other women who flirted him or how they were dressed and it was so painful to hear. He told me he calls all his girlfriedns Babe when i thoguht it was just me…and YES he has more girlfriends than guy friends. He started putting me down, complained if I cooked something wrong, argued everythign with me.
Now that the fog has cleared I feel so embarrassed and used. I am a college educated, self-employed woman who is very attractive. I am healthy and financially independent yet I somehow let this slime mesmorise me. I loved that the could build things, was artistic and he was so hot and sexy and i told him all the time…for a year..No wonder i am hurt..I did it to myself…I allowed him to devalue me so much my own sense of self was gone..i became a different person.
I learned to love myself more so i cut the cord.
I wish all of you in a NARC relationship to know time heals so the sooner you leave it the better for YOU.
P.S.He still owes me $1500 but I consider it payment for him to stay away from me. 🙂
I do hope the girl he’s with now catches on sooner or maybe he will have met his match 🙂