“You create your own universe as you go along.” – Winston Churchill
Tanya and her siblings were taken from their home when she was just three. Her mother had tried to kill them by starting a fire in the family home and leaving them alone inside. Tanya was later adopted by kind, but deeply devout Jehovah’s Witness parents. Her adoptive parents moved from the UK to North America and she moved across the pond, leaving her siblings behind. She rebelled against such strict religious doctrines as she got older and was rebuked by the church community and her parents for her teenage angst.
Tanya married at 20 and had two daughters in quick succession. Her husband was immature and emotionally damaged and after a practical joke gone wrong on the jobsite, he lost his job and not soon after, left his young family.
She spent almost a decade struggling to put food on the table and keep a roof over the head of her two girls, without any help from anyone. Then she met John. He was more than a decade older than she, he had a good job, loved her children, she was happy, so she married him.
Things seemed fine for a while, but slowly the relationship began to deteriorate. John’s health wasn’t great and they were fighting all the time. There was a lot of resentment and animosity between them. The toxicity of their environment was palpable, but they continued to reside in the same home, living separate lives and silently hating each other into old age.
At one of the most important moments in Tanya’s psychological development, she experienced trauma. What she learned at this juncture is that people are not to be trusted. If you can’t trust your mom who can you trust? Children have an amazing ability to make everything their fault. She internalized ‘I’m not worthy of love – or else mommy wouldn’t have tried to kill me, I’m not good enough and I can’t trust anyone not to hurt me.’
With these beliefs buried deep inside of her, she attracted men that would arouse those feelings in her – men she couldn’t trust.
Recently, while her family slept, a man broke into her home, stole her valuables and her car. When I heard this story it didn’t surprise me at all. I was amazed though at how the universe worked, because this woman is always a ball of anger, misery, meanness, vindictiveness, and insecurity. She is so mean and nasty to everyone, she trusts no one and I couldn’t help but think that she brought this experience to herself.
Before my life fell apart I was miserable. I was in a relationship with a Narcissist and I could feel my soul being sucked away from me, I hated my job – I mean hated it to the point of panic attacks, my relationship with my family was bad, I had no friends, I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin, I was insecure and I hated myself. When I look back at the car accident, that changed the entire course of my life, I realized it was the accumulation of all of those feelings and beliefs I’d been carrying around with me. It was one big explosion of negativity that I had brought forward.
Rhonda Byrne’s documentary, The Secret, was in its heyday at that time. I must admit when I was at the lowest point of my life I watched that video every day, trying to lift myself out of my despair. I visualized, I made a vision board, I meditated and I tried as best I could to stay positive.
Slowly, but surely things started to change for me. I suddenly had all this time and money to figure stuff out. I went to South America and I lived there for a while. I stayed at a Greek Orthodox Monastery in Michigan, while being neither Greek nor Orthodox and got to talk to and hang with the most incredible Monks on the planet. I remember walking with this young Monk along the beautifully manicured lawns and gardens and the way he looked at the trees and the flowers, with such awe and appreciation for their beauty – there are just no words for what I witnessed and learned there. It really put me in a state of joy, the likes of which I’d never felt before. The atmosphere was so incredible, it really was beyond words.
I got really, really fit. I ran and hiked through nature every day. I looked and felt better than I ever had in my entire life. I reconnected with friends I’d been forced to give up. My relationship with my brothers became stronger than ever. I went back to school. Everywhere I went amazing things were happening. My life for a good couple of years was magical.
Then…..life happened. I got busy with work and life. Things were good. I was content, nothing bad happened, but I had stopped meditating, threw out the vision board, stopped visualizing and was just focusing on day to day tasks.
I suppose I got a little disenfranchised with The Secret’s mandate of: Ask, Receive, Believe. It was too simple, it didn’t work, because if it did, I’d have my millions and I’d have everything I dreamed of by now and I didn’t, so there must be a problem with the theory.
For the past several months my attention and my focus has been on what’s happening in the Middle East. I was getting inundated with information about ISIS, North American and European Immigration policies, the treatment of Middle Eastern women, the happenings and the people protesting in Europe – I was so involved in what was happening – to the point where I was emailing local and federal politicians demanding that they do something before our country became overrun with immigrants, who meant to do us harm and defeat us from within, without our notice.
“Whatever you’re thinking and feeling today, you’re creating your future. “ -Bob Doyle
Watching videos from an organization called Britain First, and on the demise of Holland and Denmark due to over-lenient immigration policies, protests by the German people, No-Go zones and murders in France, and the activity or inactivity of Obama, had made me really angry, paranoid and frustrated, because I couldn’t do anything about it.
For a few months I was kind of in a bad mood.
Then the Universe gave me a big fat wake-up call to remind me that I better be mindful of my thoughts and my feelings, or else I was going to get a big dose of exactly what I was thinking and feeling. All at once:
- My cat got sick. I love my cat – he’s like my child.
- Insomnia – I could not sleep at all for days.
- Trouble at work.
- I got an email from a legal company threatening Esteemology with copyright infringement.
Life is full of little peaks and valleys. I know things aren’t always rosy, but I’m a very spiritual person and I don’t believe in coincidences. I thought here is a lesson in the making and I need to take control of this.
I plopped on The Secret – I haven’t watched it in ages, but I figured I needed the reminder and the inspiration. I remembered one of my favorite authors, Wayne Dyer writing about how someone tried to sue him for copyright infringement for his book, Living the Wisdom of the Tao. He was going through a divorce at the time and his thoughts were angry and negative. He said as soon as he changed the way he was feeling and he started to feel forgiveness, everything changed.
“What you resist persists.” – CG Jung
As soon as I pieced together what was happening I decided to shift my perspective. All of this extra stuff on top of what I was already feeling was making me more anxious, more angry and more frustrated. So I started to meditate. I brought myself to a place of peace and calm. Then I went to my computer and deleted everything to do with ISIS and the Middle East. I took my cat to the vet. I got a lawyer and I got back to practicing gratitude throughout my day.
My cat was fine, I started sleeping soundly, my work trouble went away, I got asked to write an article for an Indian publication called Complete Wellbeing Magazine and my legal issues were nothing more than a cyber bully, who I’d never heard of and whose site I’d never been on, making laughable claims and trying to intimidate me.
My lawyer sent an email stating that you cannot copyright titles, phrases and ideas and to send her the alleged copyright infringement and proof of copyright and that she could not find any trace of this lawyer or law firm and that we would no longer reply to emails from a Yahoo email address. We didn’t hear from them again.
The point I got from it all is – when you are carrying around all this negativity, consciously or subconsciously, it is going to manifest in your life, somewhere and somehow. When you make a conscious effort to keep your thoughts and feelings positive it will make a huge difference in the quality of your life. Distance yourself from the negativity, don’t let yourself become inundated with it. Be happy, practice gratitude daily and get rid of anything or anyone that stands in your way of that.
There are people that are extremely critical of the Law of Attraction and will dismiss it outright, like Tanya and that’s ok. There are some who have tried it and failed – I’ve been there too. I think Ester Hicks said it best, “You will win the lottery when you’re no longer surprised that you won the lottery.”
Getting to that place of absolute certainty is tough, especially when we are still unconsciously plagued by negative feelings from our past that we haven’t healed from. You can’t attract positive things to you when you carry the belief that I’m not good enough, or that I can’t do anything right. They cancel each other out. You’ve got to do the self-work and heal before you can get anywhere near that state.
I’d love to stay and write more on this, but I’ve got to run – I’ve got to go out and get some construction paper. I’ve got a new vision board to make.
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Wow…what an eye opener! Thank you so much on helping me see me. Ive let so many Narcissists into my life over time but until now, i wasnt aware of the negativity and my low self estem about myself was coming from. To allow someone your in love with, drag u down while ur trying to lift them up, is not love. I have alot of work to catch up on myself starting today and i can only be hopeful that i stay positive and not reflect any move anger or negitivity upon myself or any one else. I use to be a person that i was proud of and i havent seen that person for years. Today will be the first day on getting her back into my life and finding myself again. I was blind but now i can see thanks to you Savannah. Have a blessed day and again, i cant thank you enough.
Savannah – I came across your website at just the right time in my life. I am about to leave my N husband and I found a lot of your words resonate with my situation.
However, I was disappointed to see that such a clear thinker with such empathy could fall into the trap of right wing websites that are often full of blatant lies of Muslims and immigrants. I am a Muslim American and I have seen the damage of these websites can do in creating animosity and hatred towards those who are different.
I hope as part of your process to ween off those sites, you also reflected on the dangers those messages can bring.
Again – thanks for your wonderful website.
Muna I think you missed the message of the article entirely. I didn’t say a thing about Islam – only that what I read was making me feel angry. The world is full of people looking for a reason to be offended – don’t be one of them.
Thanks for the clarification Savannah. And apologies if I came across too judgmental. Certainly did not want to be offended, perhaps I was a bit sensitive given the times we live in.
Wishing you and your readers a very Happy New Year!
I am actually coaching with Xxx Xxxxxxx and Xxxxx Xxxxxxxxx of the Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Institute. It is a 13 month long coaching program. It’s helped me TREMENDOUSLY. I am all about the Law of Attraction. I have been able to manifest some amazing things in my life. Unfortunately I also manifested my NARC!! I saw his photo on LinkedIn and we were “connected” on there. We never ever messaged but every time I saw his photo I was SO INTRIGUED and I always thought “I would love to talk to this man. I wonder what he’s like”. His profile was impressive: COO of a major Fortune 500 Company in Chicago, Venture Capitalist…Long story short…he contacted me on my birthday at say “Happy B-day” and this began an exchange that ultimately lead to him flying to meet me across the country. What a nightmare. He turned out to be MARRIED and a total sex addict! Addicted to porn and to having MULTIPLE women at the same time. He was so controlling and manipulative. I never had “proof” that he was sleeping with other women, but my INTUITION says he was. There were so many signs. He was always texting other people on What’s App…then tried to say he was messaging his DAUGHTER! Yeah right! Who does that??? I ended it when my gut feeling told me what was really going on. He was so toxic. He leads a double life…going to Mass with his wife and texting me during the service! Acting like Mr Family man, and seeing others on the side. I saw his Twitter after we broke up…OMG…he follows these nasty YOUNG porn stars…it’s so gross, He just turned 50 this month and follows girls that look 16-17. I am so glad I got OUT. I now realize that I manifested him by also having unfinished issues from my childhood. I thank God I got out when I did. I feel terrible for his wife. I am tempted to contact her,but fear retaliation from him so I won’t. KARMA is a BITCH though!! I am struggling to let go of the hatred I have towards him but I no I have to or I will manifest more negative crap into my life.
but – someone has to fight IS, someone has to do those “dirty” jobs, because otherwise, IS will come to you, and they won’t harm your cat, they will harm you, and deleting everything on your pc is no solution.
So who are you thinking will do this dirty job, you don’t want to do? It’s like with guys who pay someone to clean up their house because they don’t want to make their hands dirty.
Wear some rubber gloves! Also something similar for your mind.
Velda I was inundated with it – it was effecting my everyday mood making me angry and mistrustful. What I realized was that my energies were better spent on tackling the problem from a different angle. Ayaan Hirsi Ali is a former Muslim and now a US citizen. She is part of an American government think tank and the author of several books, my favorite of which is Infidel. She is spearheading a movement about making reforms to the Muslim faith, which I am fully behind. So yes we still must meet evil and oppression head on but I realized it was better to tackle it from a healthier approach. I also wrote an article for an Indian publication on the abuse, hoping to be tiny part of the movement there. That is how I chose to fight this war not with guns and anger – but with words – to change a dangerous ideology that hurts everyone.
Savannah, has having a vision board helped?
I remember I used to do collages like this, and put them on a cork board for my room when I was a teenager, not knowing what a vision board was or that it was a thing.
I kind of want to start one, but I must be honest — I’b be embarrassed to hang it up and have a guest in my home see it! Will they think it’s juvenile? Where do you keep yours?
NR I’ll let you know. The one thing it does do is keep you focused so that when you are doing your meditation/visualizations the picture is very clear. Pin it up in your home office if you have one and when guests come over toss it in your closet or under your bed.
Thanks Sav really enjoy this read and a great reminder
Good reminder, even if the Secret is a load of hooey, keep your thoughts positive. Be grateful even for those times when the hills seem so high, at least we have a life to climb them and make it to the top with a smile.
The inconsisteny of this strikes me. You say that children have an amazing ability to make everything their fault. Well, I read this post as an expression of how adults have an amazing ability to make everything their fault 😉
OK Hopelessly Naive let me put it this way – children internalize what their parents say and do. Any psychology textbook on Child Development will tell you that – for instance when parents divorce even if the parents spell it out for the child that it’s not their fault – they pick up on the message that they weren’t important enough or lovable enough for their parents to stay together, because their emotional development is immature. Now let’s take this same kid who internalized this message and he’s now an adult walking around with the belief that he’s not good enough, or lovable enough and he’s trying to maneuver through adult relationships with this belief. Who’s problem is it now? There’s a saying that gets used a lot by psychologists, “What you don’t pass back you pass on.” Meaning if you don’t do the work (understand that your parents aren’t/weren’t perfect and that they were responsible for the choices they made and that they had nothing to do with you) you will carry that around with you (ruining your own life and that’s your ‘fault’) and you will pass it on to your children (unless you do the work and pass the ‘fault’ back where it belongs- your parents). Fault isn’t the right word but you get the gist.
Thank you for perfect timing on this post. I am recovering from what I NOW know to be three narc relationships in a row. The first an LTR for 8 years who didn’t work, mood disorders, addiction and a heirum of online girls. Then as soon as I got away from that situation, which took two years of planning. Then I immediately got involved with another one who took me through the entire cycle in 30 days. He discarded me.. ugh… Finally, three months into my new life I had an old friend of 30 years show interest that I was single again and pursued me..a month later, when I was feeling great I decided to carefully see if the friendship could grow. I figured a life time friend would be very safe. We have hung out off and on since we were teens.. I’d had deep feelings for him for at least the last 15 years and He had only one girlfriend that I knew of in the last 20 years so I took him as a serious guy. O’Boy I got to hear all about x’s, he mention x’s alot. Although I never saw em… I figured Hey maybe we could be possible soalmates with our history and close friendship. I was love bombed for several weeks. it was intense. About 200 text a week for 8 weeks. He took my breath away, never had that happen before. But he never called me, like he had in when we where only friends.. He would only text. I drove 200 miles every other weekend for 5 months to visit him, he never came to my home. Never put gas in my car. I tried to talk to him about it gently and over night like a hammer came down, he began the devalued faze and immediately discard faze. the person I thought I knew was gone. A scary, cold, empty, disrespectful person I had never seen before emerged. A side of him I could never could have immagined.. One desperate evening after three days of yet another NARC silent treatment I key word searched online “Men who fear intimacy” NARCISSIST came up. I began reading and have read each night for the last 2 months. All the signs where there. it was text book. Not only was it my new love but it seemed it had now been THREE in row. During this fnal silent treatment and after a long night of reading, I texted (thats was our only form of communication) and ended my Dream/nightmare. It was Very difficult for me to step up and take the bull by the horns, but I did it and hoped for an apology from my good friend . It never came. That dug deep and Shook me to my core. I now have no contact with all 3. The LTR has now been NC for 9 months. For my friend of 30 years it has now been just 2 months. It amazes me how quickly energy can change. 8 months ago after leaving my LTR I moved back to an area of the country I love and have started rebuilding my life. So happy, so many positive things happened, new home, new job etc.. I was very happy and my friends would say the positive energy was vibrating off me. It was GREAT for about 3 months. Then the this short relationship (which I was told one evening was an illusion) with the old friend and I quickly sunk to the depth of sadness like I have never felt. I had trusted him more than any other I might date. Now I feel the loss of an old friend, maybe even wonder if that friendship was ever real… I cried hard for several weeks. But with your posts I have began to pull my self back up again and look forward to the good vibes surrounding me. The deep pain of the loss now comes in waves, I can make it through most of the day now, but when I feel it the intensity remains. I like what you said “I don’t have to understand it, just know its real” . I read your posts and others every evening, I started training for a marathon with my sister, spending more time with friends, started meditating after reading your post about it and now this post is another great resource to help work on my recovery. Thank you for all of your insight and knowing just when to write about the right issue. I am determined to no longer attract these types. I have been educated, wish it had been sooner. Better now than never. Knowledge is power. God bless to every one going through this, it is a difficult journey. But I do believe with the hard work an individual will grow from it, find them self and have the tools to build a life they imagine having. I am forever changed..
I also watched the Secret daily for almost a year when things were rough in 2006 (divorce, loss). Things have gotten better then much worse and now coming back to better again. I keep learning and re-learning to trust God, focus on the good, take it in slowly and breathe deep. I appreciate your newsletters so much as they remind me to smile, stay strong, trust my inner voice, have boundaries AND fun. The world needs more strong, happy people to share joy and hold space for a healthy relationship with time. I agree with you, however, in terms of ISIS and what is happening to the country and I do question if you think it’s OK to spend a limited few hours a week trying to understand the atrocious stuff like ISIS and Monsanto and write a few letters, post things OCCASIONALLY letting people know the chemical load in a starbucks pumpkin late, or some such thing. I feel like I want to keep it 80% positive, but there is 20% real dark stuff out there. I just wonder about that. I so love people, like a film maker I know, who is in the know in terms of GMOs, etc, but has this intelligent, humorous way of getting his points across. It’s something I want do also. Grateful for all the real, whole foods, but just saying GMOs are dangerous for certain immune systems and that awareness hopefully puts people on the path of better choices without getting drained by the ‘fight’ against GMOs. I know the secret talks about Mother teresa – don’t invite me to a rally protesting war, invite me to a peace rally. she was pretty awesome. thanks SG! You are helping me a lot.
Lola I don’t want to come off as advocating that we must never delve into unpleasant topics. To make improvements in our world we must look at the bad so that we can make it good. If that is your calling and you are compelled to tell the story then all the power to you – girl. Do it, but keep track of your moods and what’s going on in your life. You can tell a story about something serious and still go home and be grateful.
This is so well timed for me…thank you! I laid in bed wide awake at 3am with an endless stream of negative thoughts & worries, it finally dawned on me to just stop. I began to let go of those thought and meditate on the good, peaceful, grateful thoughts instead. What a difference! I know how this works in my life but I sometimes forget. Especially being overwhelmed with a pending divorce after 23 years with a narcissist, two teen with super high emotional needs, and rebuilding a career I put on hold my entire marriage.
Life is not that bad, really. I’m free. I can realize my dreams and the sky’s the limit. My kids now have a chance to see how happy, peaceful and productive life can be. We’re all getting there slowly.. I’m hopeful for the first time many years and excited for my future!
Thank you again for the reminder..
I, as usually, clicked the link and thought: what if there wasn’t a post this week?
Thank you Savannah, for being so consistent and reliable.
I truly enjoyed reading this article! Thanks so much for sharing. I’m slowly but surely getting back to my place of peace and positivity(after being in a relationship with a narcissist). I swear I’m completely happy and free until he crosses my mind or someone brings his name up! It’s bad that something as small as a name can just high jack my energy! I will continue to meditate and fight for my peace. I will also re-read “The Laws of Attraction.” I refuse to let evil (the narc) have any power over especially now that it’s over! Thanks for sharing!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! I love you and Wayne Dyer. This blog just put everything into perspective for me. I believe in the L of A but you analogy of the car accident being like an explosion of all your negative thoughts…WOW! I can see now how/why that occurs. We really do create the things in life that happen to us good AND bad. It’s also true about Narcs sucking your soul from you. May happiness and good health be yours today and every day!
Savannah , I love this article, It is very helpful for every body because it is very important to remind us that we attract what we think.
I must say that my daughter introduced me to the documentary Secret because I was a little negative and when I started to change my thoughts to a positive way , my life started to improve at all. And all good things began to happen to me.
Thank you very much for all your articles . I read them again and again, everyday as a “must”
God Bless You Savannah.
I found this article interesting because it deals with something I that is a real struggle for me. Where is the line between narcissism and feeling good about yourself? It seems to be a very precarious line to me. My narcissist believed he deserved everything he got. He never questioned how he got it because he believed he deserved it. He felt guilty about absolutely nothing, and had plenty reason to feel bad about himself. He abandoned his first wife when she was no longer useful to his lifestyle, his second when she had a one and a two year old, a girlfriend when she became pregnant, and me when I was 63 and had just retired from a great job to spend more time with him (being able to spend more time with him was the trigger that made him leave – harder to deceive me.) He was actively and very visibly involved in several very visible charities. It brought him a tremendous amount of ‘supply’ and notoriety. He absolutely did it to feed his narcissism, but is it important ‘why’ he did it if he was bringing good things with him? Everyone who knew him, recognized that he was a narcissist, but he was so entertaining and such a ‘nice guy’ that they didn’t care. I know that people are complicated, but how can you be so ‘good’ and so evil at the same time? The universe has been extremely good to him, and continues to be to this day. I recently saw a documentary where a sociopath that had killed his wife and three children under five, was constantly referred to by people in the interview as ‘such a nice guy.’ Even after his hideous crime, people couldn’t help but fall victim to his charm. I can’t reconcile any of this in my mind.
Oblivious Narcissists don’t feel good about themselves. What you’re describing there is a sense of entitlement which is distinctly different than feeling good. Narcissists don’t feel good – I would have to say for the most part that they are mostly miserable people – they are misanthropes. The Law of Attraction doesn’t discriminate however – if you believe something strongly enough, if you can get to a place of certainty, even if you’re a massive douche bag, you can make it happen – sort of. Keep in mind that Narcissists are extremely manipulative, they are really good at getting what they want – they are so charming – excellent con men and women. So much so that they can usually talk themselves into any situation they want to be in – at least for a while, so they don’t need the Law of Attraction. And believe me they draw in plenty of misery to themselves they just don’t go showing that off to people.
Great reading again, Savannah 🙂 Have been going along the road to re-discovery after being married to one for 42 years (he divorced me) and one of 1 and 1/2 years (I dumped him). Joined a motorcycle club – go for rides with them – quite a challenge I must say – hopping on a motorbike at age 63! – ha. Has been so much fun – they accepting me for who I am. One of the guys who rides with me is in a wheelchair, but manages to ride a motorbike/trike, and I think if he can do it, I can do it. He has encouraged me all along the way. So, seeing the positives in him has been so inspiring. He is my vision board.
Another great post! Thank you!!!!
Savannah I stand in awe of you for the things you do , have done and were doing for our world. I t absolutely CRUCIAL that we all take a stand against those who behead babies and then crucify..GOD BLESS you, I do the same..The thing is it takes us all to do SOMETHING like the Holocaust told us. Then put the rest in GODs hands. I sign petitions that will go directly to Congress too. Then I go and read your site and work on my life . I left my NARC neighbor early DEC. and I have lost 40 pounds and eat healthily, ..You have greatly increased my already robust respect for you. I call on all to do something for the world daily and for our great still free country-and to not internalize the TERROR so that we are victors.
It is amazing how you always post exactly what I need to hear. I am very grateful to have found your site. Thank you for all your insight, Savannah!