For months I had been trying to get my long-term Narcissist to come back to me. After almost 10 years together I was mystified. Nothing I was doing was working. Nothing moved him. Nothing touched him.
I soon realized that I would never reach him, because there was nothing inside to reach. Looking into his soulless eyes, as my eyes begged and pleaded, was like looking into the abyss. Before I knew about the other woman I knew that he was lost to me. Once he had summoned up the courage to say he was leaving I was dead to him and there was nothing I could do to change that.
Just before it was all finalized a mutual friend had asked to come by to do some business, so my ex had to come back to our house and we had to act normally We snapped back into our usual business routine and pretended that there wasn’t a 100 foot wall between us. We were both back in our home, at the same time, where years of memories lay dormant.
After the business had wrapped up and our guest left I said to him, “Doesn’t being here, being with me, doesn’t this feel normal to you?” I thought being surrounded by the remnants of our life together had to mean something to him..
“No” he said.
“Why can’t we fix this? Why won’t you even try?” I pleaded.
He looked at me, his face emotionless and stone-like, “Because I don’t want to.” With that he left and I sat motionless for almost an hour.
Nothing held any meaning for him. It was like me, our house and our life together had tarnished and turned to black. Days later I discovered that he had been seeing his married co-worker for months.
She represented Spring. She was flowers blooming, vibrant colors, a babbling brook and the warm sun all at once. I couldn’t match what she represented. She was new and full of possibility – I was old and the cause of everything wrong in his life. She was his salvation – I was his oppressor.
It must have sounded so right to put the blame at my feet. It was akin to him taking out $100,000 loan and sticking me with the debt, while he got to go out and frolic on my tab.
I was in my early 30’s when he left. I had invested so much into this man. Some of the best parts of him were ideals, beliefs and habits that I had cultivated in him. My time, my energy, my youth, my hopes and dreams were all gone in an instant and I never even saw the end coming.
“Doesn’t it matter to you that you’re never going to see me again?” I asked him.
“I hadn’t thought about that,” he replied.
So there I sat, the door clicked shut as he walked away, our business concluded. Realization sunk in then that there was nothing I could do. I was powerless. Hopelessness set in. Defeat, not long after that.
I knew at that moment that I had never really known this man. He was a stranger to me and I wondered what could I have done to make him hate me so much. Because to do what he did and in the manner he had done it required emotions like hate – disgust – repulsion.
The person that should have loved me the most acted like I was a massive inconvenience that he’d rather not have to deal with. None of it made any sense. He was beside me living, eating, sleeping everyday for almost a decade and I couldn’t imagine how the loss of me beside him would have absolutely no impact whatsoever
My codependency was reveling in the sorrow. It shouted from the roof tops, “You’re not worthy of love. You’re broken and flawed. Look at you, who could love you? Not even your own mother loved you. How could you expect him to? It’s your fault. It’s all your fault.”
I understood quickly that I wanted to be responsible for this, because then I could fix it and we could get back together, but I knew it wasn’t me, at least not entirely. I had broken up with people before. This wasn’t like any other time. There was something really wrong with the speed and the callousness of it. Sure I get it, when you want out and you know you’re going to hurt someone, it’s not easy and you want to get away as fast as you can, but the course of events and the unnecessary cruelty was so bizarre.
One week we are planning our wedding…our engagement party is days away…I get into a horrible car accident…my mother dies…I’m in rehab trying to recover from my injuries…we go away for a week and are having sex like rabbits…we get home and he tells me he wants out and he moves out without a backward glance.
After everything was all said and done I realized what had happened. My Ex in his need for attention and admiration came across a willing ego stroker at his place of employment. They had their lunches together – they talked – she complained about her husband – he complained about me – she puffed him up telling him how special and wonderful he was and encouraged him to leave me – he did the same for her and next thing you know he’s yelling statements to me like, “I should be with someone who loves me the way I need to be loved” – they make a plan to leave their spouses, because…well you can’t get in the way of true love.
It’s amazing to watch a seed take root, an idea come to fruition and the incredible amount of justification required to destroy two families.
Trying to solve the mystery consumed me and kept me invested way too long. Finding the answers didn’t change anything about him, or our relationship, but it did force me to accept the truth about him, which in turn, allowed me to let go faster than I normally would have.
A Narcissist’s Missing Pieces
A Narcissist is a special breed. As I’ve said before, they are missing certain colors on their emotional color pallet. We get caught up in the fact that they don’t act the way other people would or should act. We internalize it, blame ourselves and we do a whole host of other unhealthy rationalizations, but the bottom line is that a Narcissist’s make-up is different from most people’s. It’s as if there are traits, emotions, behaviors that have been left out of their DNA. The processes are internal, so we can’t readily see them or identify them until they are expressed outwardly. I’ve listed a few of the more dominant traits that seem to be lacking or impaired
They lack the nostalgia chip: Which means that memories, events, connections, people, special places and moments don’t hold real value for them.
They don’t do true intimacy: So the deep emotional bond that should form and develop between two people over time, doesn’t, so the feelings, time, memories, respect, caring… aren’t going to be there in any deep fashion to count as a reason to stay committed.
They lack insight: So they often don’t recognize how dysfunctional and cruel their behavior is and they have an easy time passing blame and responsibility off to others when it should fall firmly in their own lap. This allows them to shrug off any potential guilt or remorse that would normally be felt in others.
They are impulsive: So they often don’t put adequate thought into something before they jump into it.
They have an impaired ability to feel empathy: So when they are discarding you they are not thinking of you at all. They don’t really care if you’re hurt, devastated or that what they’ve done has left you in total ruin. All they see is what they want at that moment and everything else must just fall away. Some even get off on knowing how much they’ve hurt you.
They don’t regulate their own self-esteem: So their primary objective is to obtain it (supply) through the attention and admiration of others. This objective is their main focus and takes precedence over everything.
The bottom line is they are missing fundamental elements that are required for having a mutually fulfilling intimate relationship with another human being. Hoping and waiting for these missing pieces to show up is futile. Those pieces just aren’t there and no amount of wishing it was otherwise can change the fact that they aren’t. A person that practices self-care understands that if someone can walk away from you- you let them. If they can discard you like you mean nothing – then they are truly showing you what you mean to them. You don’t need to figure it out, you don’t need become a detective, you don’t need to try and fix them – all you have to do is make sure they don’t get another chance to do it again.
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Excellent description!….of the whole damn thing from beginning to end. Thank you, now I can sleep tonight. Once again knowing It was not ME and the part of the relationship I am missing tonight meant nothing to him. Never did, never will……Meant something to me tho, showed me I can Love and am good at it….will find a real man next time…:)
I have had a crush for a while, on a man who I knew only on a professional level, and really admired. Recently, we spoke on a personal level a few times. Every sign points to him having NPD. It was like being punched in the face. I was floored. It was really like something was missing. There is literally no depth to this person I have known to be so brilliant and even helpful, for so long. He described how he left this woman and that woman, with no feeling at all…everything was their fault. ..and he started talking about sex in detail right away. Asked nothing about me. It was one of the most disturbing experiences…like I was talking to a robot. Since then, I have not been able to get it out of my head and I don’t know why. I am the typical codependent female with low self esteem and I keep ruminating …somehow trying to make it so that he isn’t a narc. Thank God he lives very far away from me so I will be safe despite myself. ..but its pretty scary how powerful the attraction is.
I never understood how my narc would one day I want to have a baby with me and then when I got pregnant all of a sudden start calling me a bitch when I’m sick and throwing up and then when I have a miscarriage scream and yell at me the entire time about how I should never be pregnant because Im such a bitch that no man could handle it.
Then the last thing he tells me after we break up is that he is going to have a baby if he can meet someone soon. But again told me that I dont need to ever be pregnant again. He says this after I had 3 misconcarraiges in the year that we were trying.
It is so cruel and not to mention the times that I told him I was pregnant, he would freak out and tell me what a horrible womam I was and leave me for a few days .
But as soon as Id have the misscaraige ( probably from the stress of being miserable and yelled at everyday) , hed act like he wanted to get married and try for a baby again.
Then Id get pregnant , and he’d immediately start treating me like he completely despised me and that I was being a horrible bitch. Even though all I was doing was throwing up and watching tv . Hed get mad at me for ignoring him, this is when I threw up 20-30 times a day for 2 weeks. He’d still want me to be super happy , kiss his butt , do all his errands, solve all his legal problems.
But since I was sick, he’d discard me everytime. The same when I got sick with any illness. He would act completely put out and hostile towards me . Yet , Id have to make him soup and run out to get him every medicine imaginable , and rub his feet .
He treated me like a two bit whore- no offense to anyone .. lol . I never knew if I was his princess, or he hated my guts. It changed every 3-6 days , no fail.
And anytime I took steps to get healthy, like eating better or trying to join a cheap gym , he’d sabotage all my efforts by saying that we didnt habe the money for vegetables or a gym. But he always found ways to have enough of my money to get high on .
He only worked 4 weeks in 2 years . And then hed always act like he had earned and was boss of my money and my car. I couldnt even buy an organic apple without him yelling at me.
I feel traumatized. I dont know why I let him almost kill me ( when I caught him cheating he attacked me) . The took him back . He tried to strangle me and slammed my head into the wall, and never apologized.
Somehow, I convinced myself that since I had looked on his phone, It was my fault.
I was so in love . I then had to go through two more years of abuse and him stealing all my money and pawning my kids stuff before I really kicked him out.
What is wrong with me? I still feel bad for not answering his calls, like I owe him something . But I know, anything he says is just bullshi! , it’s always about getting me to do something else for him, or me admitting that it was my fault and I am such a bitch.
He could steal my car and come back with it completely wrecked, ( true story) and somehow I am supposed to apologize for being a bitch or crying about my car , and trying to make him feel bad.
I’ve been living in my room for two years. He gets mad if I try to go anywhere . Then if Im looking on my phone, he says all I do is text guys all day. If I pick up a book , he’ll ignore me all day and then say , oh I thought you were reading, You could have been paying attention to me. If I put the book down, hell start texting all his friends or tell me Im boring and he’ll go in the garage for the next 6 hours . I feel completely manipulated. He’d tell me how boring I was,but if I tried to get a job or go out and get a life, he’d get mad .
He keeps callimg like he owns me or I owe him something. I’ve already said goodbye …. it just was him telling me how unlovable and evil I was, and how he was going to do great now that I wasn’t holding him back.
I can’t and won’t keep getting shit on , when we arent together and he’s already using drugs. I just existed to feed his ego . Unfortunately, he had to put me down and control me in order to feel good .
Now he is freaking out because he can’t start a fake fight to steal my car and my $ , in order to go use meth. Im sure he is mad and needs everything to be my fault , even though I haven’t seen him in 4 months . Somehow, its my fault still that he’s homeless after I kickedhim out.
How could I ?? lol How could you leave me homeless ? Yup after any discovery of syringes or cheating … or physical abuse.. but but you cant leave me homeless !
So he never leaves . and can do anything he wants to me, as long as I dont make him homeless . Poor him .. at 46. I only have my 7 year okd daughter to raise . not a 46 year old drug addict .
Oh, they so love the female in need, tho flatter and build her up, so she adores him.They’re just friends. Funny, how they’re usually his friends wives and he’s in love with me, but they all have said they didn’t think our relationship was “serious”. I can guess why they thought that, but THEIR marriage is serious…I’m an idiot.
Im so sorry This is extreme abusr and you meed help to stay sane- get help and sign kn to all these websits snd facebook Refuge for victims of narc abuse.. please dont let him anymore
To be honest this article made me feel weird
I’m not really N, I think my husband has more N traits, but the qualities you listed at the end are all 100% relate to me, and I think mainly, because I’m out of love and because years of emotional abuse left me numb to a certain degree.
Is being spontaneous and not thinking things through really the N trait? I’m not sure
I can’t regulate my self-esteem, but I don’t demand my partner to fill the void either.
I have an empathy problem with people’s problems, especially if they don’t do anything about them, but that doesn’t make N either.
Does the fact that I want fulfilling relationships and I have no power to work on this ones makes me an N?
Eli – When I say they can be spontaneous I mean they don’t often think things all the way through. They see it they want it and to hell with the consequences. Narcs need attention and admiration – they can’t regulate their own self-esteem so they need other people to do this for them, so no you don’t have that trait. No and no.
This is right on Target!!!! I often wondered how I could pack up and move and him never bat an eye! No emotion, passion, or empathy!!
Perhaps I have a bit strange question : is it possible for a narc or socio to be very insecure and wanting to end the relationship every time another guy has ONLY been mentioned?
I was in a LDR with a man showing all hallmarks of narcissists or other disordered people ( love bombing, excessive flattery, affection, attention, sensitive to criticism, furious when I refused to coplmy with his plans, bragging with his achievements, etc., however one thing was unusual – maybe he was abit “uncommon” narc or socio…
We met online and when I told him I was separated he asked ” Am I the reason you are splitting?” I said no, we had been done a long time ago. “But don´t you feel your heart skip when you see your husband? ” “No!” I replied.
Ok. He knew I had been learning to play the guitar and I told him I had a guitar coach in the USA teaching me via the internet. That moment he asked , ” Is your guitar teacher with you?”. I said how he could be with me when he lived in Iowa ( I live in Central Europe.
The other time I told him I had been contacted by a guy in Miami. He burst out, ” Has he send you a flight ticket? Bon voyage then.”
We were planning a holiday at the end of August and I told him I would have to be back home in the first week of September ( I was going to see a big concert in Germany). He freaked out,”Are you meeting another guy?”
I always had to reassure him, calm him down, explain. Is this common with this type of men? Or he was extremely emotionally unstable? Insecure? Actually, he did not have much to offer: he was homeless, with no money, living pension to pension. However, narc and socio are well-known for having big egos, so I don´t know…
This is all true…………
HH? Are you Dutch? The way you construct your sentences makes me think so. Run, like you hair is on fire. And never look back! I was married to a narc for 25 years. I’m a fixer, I confess. I learned the hard way. They try to kill your spirit and they will if you let them.
@savannah stumbled onto your site after googling narcissism and turning to religion. Kicked my narc out 5 years ago and doing well. Nc for 3 years now. He has turned deeply religious and talking down to anyone who isn’t. Even his kids when he bothers to talk to them. Just another day in narcville. Great site!
Sav – I read your experience with your N. Amzing. Like this are special breads from another planet coming to earth to be among people who can actually love and show love. Q; Is is ever possible that a N will come to “our side”? I am almost convinced they can’t. It’s not in their system. How can a narcissist become happy for ever in a marriage? Is that possible? I have doubts. After making my experiences with an N it looks to me that the best situation for an N is to really have a patient submissive person as their partner and let them live their life and using you as his garage he can come home too whenever he / she wants.
I want to be free from her.
Is she a narcissist?
My letter to her!
The past is the future!
Got to know online in Jan 2015 -I saw her – said hello, but only briefly. 2 weeks later I get a msg back to contact her. Which I did we started to talk on the phone after a while. We agreed to meet us, and before she told me she is divorced and has 2 young children and she told me her ex is an hospital MD and made 750 K – And I said oh forget it – I never made so much money. However she said no I am not looking for that – so we liked each other on the phone –she had an accent from Africa and mine from Europe and said she has a visitor who is performing voodoo in her room. This was later gone. She invited me to come over for breakfast so I came and the house was HUGE – and we embraced happy to see us. We both liked us on the spot and after breakfast I went with her to her shop. I am retired (but still working on ideas for online Biz) our age difference 25 years – but for heaven sake I look VERY young – no wrinkles.
Turned out that she asked me often to come to her shop and help here and there – and I did. I was on call and I liked it bc. I liked her. I believe I loved her already at that time. However I realized that many man came into the shop and she greeted them all with embracing and smiling like only she can smile. Later when she used me more and she stayed home while I took care of her fashion shop in the believe I do her a favor and man came into the store asking for her and asked me who are you? Oh – just a helper I said since I don’t know that man. However after February came and my birthday she barely made it and I had to wait 50 Min in the restaurant but she said she will come. She came – no card -no small present nothing. We had dinner and I realized that she was angry with the waiter like this and that was not right and she did not like the food.( Italian AA+ restaurant) I was surprised to hear her speak like that and seeing her angry face as if she does not like the service. Little did I know what would come month later! Since I was under the impression that we liked each other which I believe was true – I wanted to spend quality time with her but she never had time – also no time to talk. In March I said to her WE NEED TO TALK. I need 2 hours for my point of view- fact is I got 10 min after 18 month, WOW) since I had the feeling I don’t know what I am – friend – helper – or whatever. Every time I said we need to talk she found always a reason not to be specific – when. After March has passed – and I came to the shop every day and she was in her office – and we still had no time to get to know each other – I invited her to a cinema with restaurant and we meet there – she looked stunning and I kissed her with passion and she me – but I felt after some time she had enough – so she stopped – like she was in control. She also never liked to be embraced or hold hand in public. That’s not her style. As March ended and we never had a minute or she found excuses to talk I was frustrated – no quality time – no kiss, nor affection from her – but she need me to come sometimes when I said not today – she got upset. I ended the relation in April since it went nowhere. I got to know the kids -very nice – and did some shopping with her to carry the heavy stuff aso and meet also her ex who comes often to the house and she still cooked for him at that time. So the husband was and will be in the next 10 years always in the picture and I said to myself W..F. April we have not seen us and we talked a bit on the phone and we where both not happy but never said anything. Finally around 3 weeks into April we saw each other, she phoned and said she wants to start anew. And the daughter looked at her mother and smiled and yes we where both happy to see us. I thought now we could talk what about us and how to continue = and she never had any time but I realized she gave me commands what and when I should do things for her. ( she is a 2x leo – Sun and Ascendant ) She spoke with authority sometimes yelling at me and I said I never had a woman talking to me like that! She said that’s how she speaks and sure enough sometimes she called her kids F…..U – when they did not act as she liked. I stood a couple of times in front of them when she had her outburst – also towards me. And again I was not used to that. I was used to communicate and I showed her a model of communication and commitment. She was only listened half and had no question – like in – OK I am busy.. however I was most of the time frustrated and started to think this goes nowhere – when she needed help she ask me to come to do this and that. I felt sorry for the kids and asked her to go spend some days with the kids on the ocean and she said may be. And as I later find out – she and her ex and the children went all happy to a nice hotel and she slept with him in one room while I was for a week in her shop. But nothing happened and I bet my right arm for that. She needed him to pay for the nice hotel and time on the ocean. I wondered why I barely got a phone call and thought this is not normal. Another time she was busy going to CA with her son and again I stayed in the shop and I phone her and had the feeling like this is a bad time – we talk about 8 month and I tell her every day – I love you or every time I see you I fall in love with you again. It was like a dream – but I woke up as she sent me a pic from her son with a copy to another man. I flipped in my brain – and when she came back I asked her What? She saw nothing in there and just said well the other man thinks that’s ok and asked about you and I asked her – and who is this? She never gave a clear answer and I realized here is something very wrong. No affection – no kissing – no embracing only me running like a chicken for her …. . I love to give I love to help and I gave her the most beautiful flowers and she looked at them ( I gave her often flowers) and sometimes she called me and said they are cheap – 50 US is cheap OK!
In the end of the first year – she had to stay home after surgery and I again offered to stay in the shop, beside I was there at least 3 days a week – for her for 4 weeks and run the shop. I went to the hospital to learn that another couple of man were there to visit her. Friends – like me? While I was there she asked me to bring her some food and I did – But had my car key inside and the door was looked. Food in my hand she waiting in the hospital – I decided to smash the rear window to get it done. Came back to hospital gave her the food – no thank you or reaction when I told her my window problem. I was inside not happy to never receive a reaction and I said to her – can you hear me? She again – no reaction. I started to question already longer time before – can she love – does she have empathy for my view of the side – it seemed that it was only her and her – and the admirer as man where in her life like flies on dusk. Often when we had arguments she brought me down – I am a loser – I am cheap – I am old fashion I am negative – and will not succeed with my own plans a.s.o. Nice support I thought. Often when she had a cash register problem she ask me for MY credit card to test purchase a transaction. I asked of course for the money back sometimes she forgot. But I got it back later.
However since I wanted a side job she asked me to stay in the shop for me and she will pay me. After out of the hospital for a HEAVY surgery approx 7 days later- she should have stayed in the bed – the door opened, she comes in with another man TG ANDY – and I am speechless and not happy and I ask – why are you up? She happy with that other friend said he helps me to bring staff to the storage. I answered – and I stay here that you can get better at home in the bed! She was fully dressed as she wanted to go out!
Comes the time that she comes back and is ready to stay in the shop and I told her that I wrote all hours down – and to my surprise she says very aggressive in front of me: I OWE YOU NOTHING.
I left and of course I said to myself – F..U ( and meant me and my stupidity) Of course we never talked in that year again and she never contacted me for Christmas after being with her for one year and also not on NY eve. I phoned and wanted to church with her – she had no interest!
In January we started to talk again and all started from the beginning – only this time I felt in Feb. – that she has something going on. She told me another man asked her out and I was devastated and asked her will you go? She said no! ( till today I am not sure). She still wants me to come to help her to come to her house and eat with her and her Kids. (That’s her way to show affection – cooking) She is very charismatic and all man fall for her – wherever she goes. She only needs to smile. And I went with her many times and that was may be as body guard bc she has the tendency to become super aggressive and outraged when she does not get her way as she wants it. ( what complex is that??? )
On Valentines Day – she txt me that she will think the whole day of me – and she leaves to a planed trip to Europe. In Europe she phones me on what’s up and shows me her breast and that she misses me. We did had arguments in the months before but she never saw my view it was only hers and she is always right bc she knows everything. I have 3 degrees and I still learn.
She comes back and biz as usual – I think I should date others as well bc I am not sure anymore – but feel inside as I betray her.. so I don’t date and wait what will come. All of a sudden she phones me in May / June at midnight and says 3 times “ I love you’ and on one visit she sings to me that she loves me. Of course after I fix her washer. And let me kisss her breast and says she likes the way I do it!
She moved recently to a second shop ( much bigger) place and asked me to help – in the meantime our contacts are more “a friend” for her – as she need help and I find out from another source while she has no time for me – she has other man coming to her house and one is obviously very close. As I confront her – I see the true color – I was humiliated and that’s not my biz we are not married and she can have many friends aso. ( one time she told me that she wants a man where she can do whatever she wants and she will not cheat ( MY RIGHT ARM FOR THAT – I BELIEVE HER!) But where does cheating and using other people start? (OBTW she prays every evening and has the bible almost in her head.)
Shortly after that conversation which was ONLY her viewpoint she fly’s overseas. While I am being asked to go to that new place and make pic’s to send to her – she is abroad ( and calls me on arrival to say I wish you were here – and I miss you and I believe Ok we still have some fire going. Let’s me talk to the kids as well by saying they want to talk to you.( Guilt bc of the other.. ) I find out that she does not want me to come to the store at a certain time and is trying to orchestra my visit at the shop at a later time and sure enough another man ( I find out ) has visited her home and brought some COX material to her new shop. She has another helper already – that’s how it starts. I send her after all my love guts is all over what’s up – a msg –
“ I feel stupid”
We phone in the evening and she said that is not right to say ( I feel stupid ) We talk a bit and she explains some stuff for her move being postponed ( tiles are not ready – which I told her – but all from me is nothing she confirms that and never says – yes you are right! Or yes thank you. So I tell her that other man is still there – we talked about him in your house – and you use me after I send you E mail and tell you that I love you .. and even send sentences in her language – she starts to giggle – I ask astonished – You are laughing? And hang up – thinking aha from I miss you to – I wish you were here – I love you – to laughing. I am convinced that if I would have continued to be on her side whenever she wanted me I may have another chance which I don’t want any more at this time – may be when she has learned if ever!!!! Like you must come in 30 min – when I can’t I am not reliable – IN A VERY ANGRY TONE.
YES – she needs admiration and constant admirer – and since we are done, she will say to the new victim: “I love you” very soon – to secure the admirer. May be she is lucky bc there are men outside they love when their GF or “wife” is loved by many. Some go even so far to share. Just saying! It’s not her but yes, men come in all colors and emotions. And in the beginning or our time I would have told the pope to phone you. Easy to judge w/o experience. ALL her numbers and unknown are blocked – I want to be strong – but I think we both got the msg. I have wasted or experienced 18 month of rollercoaster in my emotions. Sometimes I ask If – but that is nonsense – bc this was not a healthy relationship and I wish her luck – but I still love her and I wish I would be the stupid monk – with patience …like whatever..
I am not capable to hate – since hate is like drinking poison and whishing the other one harm
How do I feel – abused – humiliated – sad – happy it’s over – unhappy that it is. And – alone.
Good luck. There is a system after all!
Narcissistic personality disorder: Egotistical, arrogant, grandiose, insouciant. Preoccupied with fantasies of success, beauty, or achievement. Sees self as admirable and superior, and therefore entitled to special treatment. is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings.
This is a common theme among boomerang relationships. They defy common sense. They are not logical and you usually find people behaving in ways they never would under normal circumstances, such as:
• Putting up with their partner being involved with other women or men
• Putting up with being ignored
• Putting up with never being able to rely on them
• Putting up with long periods of unexplained absences
• Putting up will being lied to and deceived – even though you know you’re being lied to and deceived
• Putting up with them putting in little to no effort
• Putting up with looking weak, like a fool, doormat or like you have no self-respect
• Putting up with the feelings and behaviors that show that we aren’t special to that person – missing our birthday, standing us up, ditching us on holidays
• Putting up with being allocated to the friend position
It helps to envision your narcissist as an alien from outer space. In order to survive they must suck all the good energy from good people. If you imagine them as having no feelings, no compassion, incapable of real love it helps ease the hurt and pain they have inflicted on us believing they are human and really loved us. They aren’t human. they are monsters and hopefully we learn the signals and are not abused again.
I’m reading Sav words and at first don’t think he fits the bill. He has a ranch, home career, doesn’t really need anything from me as I also have these things. Then I see the list:
impulsive – on my Birthday I come back from walking the dog and he is packing up my things and placing them in the driveway. He states I have 15 min to move my (our)horses or he is letting them loose ( on a very busy road) .
He said the same goes for the dogs. I jumped in my car dropped the dogs off at the neighbors briefly spoke to her saying I needed to bring the horses over. When I got back, he had let them loose. Fran and I managed to round them up . She took the horses. I went back to gather up my pile in the driveway. I asked him what I had done. He replied ., I think you are saving money to leave me.,” I told him I wasn’t I was just building my savings back up after buying him his horse. He said well you still need to go. I asked him if I could move into one of the other 5 bedrooms until I found a place. EMPATHY He said NO. I had no where to go with two dogs and two horses AND he didn’t care. This was about the 15th break up. I got on my feet met a nice nice guy actually was engaged to be married and GUESS WHO CALLED. Yes I broke a good guys heart and went back to chaos. The following Feb 16 he txt’ed me he didn’t like my boss and used a racial slur. I texted him back that he needed to apologize…he told me once again to come get my horses. At least this time I had a place of my own( my home was rented when I moved in with him) I got the horses crying of course while he watched.
A month later he texts me that he and his new friend went to Half Moon Bay,stayed at the same hotel enjoyed the big spa tub and went to our favorite rest.
I texted him back that I was happy for him but that I didn’t want the details . He is 64 I’m 58 and the new gal is 32. He replied” oh she saw your message and is jealous now, don’t txt me on that phone anymore”
I am crushed heart broken can’t move on like last time I guess because the disagreement was so small. And because he is taking her to all our places and then is so happy to tell me about it. He has never shared any girlfriend info with me over the 4 yrs of this on again off again. I am reading every book BPD, this site, everything to try to move on. He may not be a NC but he does have OCD constantly cleaning, scrubbing, reorganizing. If I used the wrong UTENSIL while cooking for him it was a major violation and I wasn’t allowed to cook after that.
BUT on the other side, he was fun to horse camp, go jeeping, go hunting ,thrift store shopping, traveling and oh wow the sex! He was so right in so many ways except how he treated me. Now he is dating a filly and happy as can be and I am barely making it to work and stay home all the time. I tried to date a very nice guy last month but I was comparing him and he didn’t fit the bill like the NC. Someone help me I feel insane and my friends are sick of him and don’t want to hear anymore from me.
I feel like the Narcopath is by default the loser. They know they are different, they know they are missing key elements to their personality. This makes them angry and bitter at not having the empathy and bonding button that come so naturally to many of us. I believe they take pure joy in finding the most empathetic, nurturing people in which to torture. In my case he always came back just to destroy me over and over again without a backward glance in the most cavalier cruel manner possible. Then every time he would say the same thing…”There is no one like you I made a mistake…” Blah, blah. Being naive and just plain stupid I believed him every time. It took 4 times of losing my hair and half my body weight whilst being devastatingly tossed aside like I was nothing to finally understand he wasn’t really human. That he needed the ego stroke that getting me to come back gave him, in addition to the ego stroke it gave him to watch me fall apart when he walked away without ever a backward glance. Problem is these fkers are brilliant mimics. Almost impossible to spot one. I got mine fired on ungentlemanly conduct charges and have had no regrets or thoughts of him since then. I hope the fall from grace gave him pause when he thinks ever of treating anyone with so much apathy and cruelty. These people are broken and should be unceremoniously put down.
This post made me remember that early in my marriage I had a recurring dream where I would find my husband in bed with another woman, and when I caught him he would just stare at me coldly, without feeling and shrug it off. I married him in 1980 and in January 2015, he told me he’d “had enough”. He was an overt narcissist, I have only recently discovered there is a name for a person like him. My supply for him was being pretty and sexy, sex was his need. But when I decided to go to University instead of earning money, and at the same time was going through menopause, things changed. I could no longer supply him as my body changes meant I could no longer accommodate him in the bedroom. I was dry, he was big, to put it bluntly. Besides, I had had enough of not feeling cherished. I had enabled him to go out and do whatever he wanted, including emotional affairs with many women. He even brought a teenage girl he was coaching on holiday with us overseas so she could play in a tournament there!! After we split up he dutifully provided me with what was legally required. Within a couple of months, he had met a younger woman who adored him, bought a house together with her and what irks me is he bought the exact type of house he knew I always wanted, after saying for years he would never buy a house like that because of the high maintenance. And he moved to the city I had wanted to go to for four years and his response to that was “I am happy where I am.” Not long before our split I had a long intense dream that he had been cheating sexually on me our whole married life. I am not sure if it’s true – he was always too morally upright to do that. He always ran around with other women involved in his sports but they were either happily married or too young. God I am such a mug!
Savannah , this post made the long held tears out . After 3 years of marriage and just after I had a baby , my Narc hit me with his real face and he hit me hard . It was so brutal ,cold and unexpected that for months I was in denial . I consider myself an educated Smart woman but I was such a fool . so stupid so vulnerable to fall into those traps and believe him .
You have almost described him word to word. The initial spring phase , the encased and rose tinted ” warning signs” they well all there . hell , the emotional betrayal was so cold he didn’t even bother with an aplolgy . I often wonder what hurt me more , his utter and disgusting betrayal , his instant emotional ” switch off” towards me and our baby or his absolute aloofness to my sufferings .
I had spent months in hell , I felt so weak and exhausted , I would hold my baby and cry for hours ,apologising to him for being such a bad mom that his father is abandoning both of us . I would clean and cook for him , will do everything for my baby without even a seconds help from him and he would come home at night , have his favorite dinner, get freshen up , change , and leave to spend the night with his married co-worker ,without a word to me or a glance at the baby . And I would be standing helpless , hungry and exhausted , wondering what did I do wrong .
I was so weak , but I think the proverbial mother insticts kicked in when the neglect and abuse started to extend to my infant son . not to sound theatrical , some of the people here might think I am making it up , but his mom was a borderline psychopath . and I am not saying this because I watched ” criminal minds ” , I am saying this after a spending two months with that monster woman , discovering fine yellowish powder floating on my baby’s vitamin syrup , same yellowish color as her hypertension meds .trying to convey this to my husband and getting abused in return ,and hearing hush hush discussion s late in the night .
So I put my foot down , one Sunday afternoon , held my baby in one arm , a suitcase in d other , a backpack on my back and called a taxi and left . left him for good .
My life I could have played with , but I can take risks when it involves my baby .
I totally get what ortensia and Tania felt , I have undergone all that , over and over . I am healing now . like Sarah and hurting cowboy put it , they can never be whole , soul has felt the pain but that’s what makes me who i am , I hurt because I have a soul that feels , I am not made of voids like them . and because we hurt , we will also heal . One day at a time . Amen
As a man, I really appreciate all the heartfelt comments everyone shares. I too, finally realized I was a codependent N magnet. It was all I knew while growing up in a house full of them, always wondering what was ‘wrong’ with me.
Like many of you, I also married a huge N and the cheating was on the emotional side. Betrayal is rather painful and what’s harder is having a N son who is just like his mother and doesn’t talk to either of us anymore.
I’m getting the feeling most of the country has been afflicted with this disease.
I’m glad there are caring people like you all who are willing to share.
Savannah, I thought your article was profound. Thanks to your site and the Psychopath Free site, I was able to walk away without returning for a second Idealize, Devalue and Discard cycle. It was a lot of grief and work to overcome the discard. I still have a fascination with narcissist personality disorder and want to avoid another N relationship having already had two. I would like to know about their not being able to regulate their self esteem as you posted above. Thank you so much for your insightful articles, I have learned so much from you.
Thank you Savannah. I have only just found this site and love everything you write. My ex Narc packed up everything of his while I was at work one day and just left without even a glance back after 20 years of marriage. I found him a week later at his coworkers house. She was also married. They got married about 18 months ago now. That was 5 years ago. It still stuns me sometimes how this man who I just adored just up and left without any consideration for me or our kids. He hasn’t seen our son for nearly 3 years and our daughter for 2. My daughter gets a very occasional text from him. I assume trying to play father??? I subsequently found he had multiple affairs while we were married. I have done a lot of work on myself and my codependency issues over the last few years and am learning to love myself again and most importantly forgive myself. Thank you!! x
At the age of 29 I met the perfect representation of that word. It wasn’t even a relationship – it was a mind torture. The things you said about the new bright and colorful admiration supply truly match the case. He saw my true self, he saw what I was, he saw how I felt bad for the suffering of every creature on this planet, he saw how deeply emotional I was. He saw my pain, caused by his actions.
I even told him right from the start that I felt in my guts he was going to hurt me. HE KNEW HE WAS GOING TO HURT ME, BUT CONTINUED! I don’t want to get into more details, they’re not as important as the feelings left and you’ve all been through hell with those “men”. My problem is I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I’ve read so many articles, so many comments and thoughts, and ideas… I fall asleep listening to hypnosis sessions and relaxations for forgetting, self-esteem, energy, whatever you could think of. I went to therapy, listened to sounds by colors… Tried meditation, visualization… Several months ago I even did magic spells, sigil magic, runes to make him regret and want me again! I feel pathetic.
I know someday the pain will pass, but right now… It’s a nightmare – all day long obsessing and thinking… What will I say if he calls me? What will I do if I run into him? He is like my unavailable prize I’ll never get.
There’s a song called Please, Please, Please – the artist sings how his life was so bad that can make a good man turn bad, so please, please, please, let me get what I want this time… That’s exactly how I felt with this guy. He gave the hopeless a little bit of hope (I’m one of those people who start thinking about the future and a family, and… yeah) and then crushed it, smashed my hopes into my face.
But once wasn’t enough. He had to string me along for months – up and down, up and down.
I thought it was finally over and I got detached from thinking, I really put my effort into it, but several days ago he told me he wanted to go out with me and then didn’t call. How stupid I am really? REALLY? How could I believe he finally changed or realized he loved me???
I am one of those girls with the outside beauty that everyone thinks they get everything they want. Nobody believes me when I say how hard it is for me, how every day is a mental struggle, how I am literally waiting for the day of death, because that’s the day I’ll get rid of all my thoughts.
Reading your article made me feel different, thank you! I should stop blaming myself, because it wasn’t my fault I gave him so many chances. I am an idealist who believes good overcomes evil in the end. But even in fairy tales bad people rarely change.
Why call him a narcissist, a neglected child, a sociopath, a womanizer, when can call him with his real name – a bad person? For me he is a bad person, because I’ve never met a man with decency and moral values crush a girl’s soul with such a pride and contempt. Because only bad people feel good when others suffer, especially if they’re the ones who caused the suffering!
As read these, I am just devastated and still wanting to be in denial. I believe he is narc…likely bipolar as well. About every 2 years it seems to be a really bad episode. He gets down, distant and unresponsive, to cold, irritable and discard, to high on life. Everything being described here, though, sounds like my relationship. As I write, I have just been discarded…asked by letter (again) to leave our home immediately. We are not married…been together 7 1/2 years and live with his 3 children 1/2 the time. He is a chiropractor. Two years ago he broke off our 1 1/2 year engagement and kicked me out unexpectedly. Horribly cold…cruel. Just wrote me off. We were intimate even up to when I left. About a month of no contact I needed closure so we met. We got back together and he said he was so in love and going to marry me…the gaslighting… then I found out about the patient he had been having an affair with (he was still carrying on via internet sex while he was looking for rings), and there had been another gone before we got back. The woman and I confronted him. He cried, said he loved me and was trying to end with her. I took him back. This was not the first time in our relationship he broke up to pursue someone else. It has been 2 years since that happened. We were supposed to be married (he asked twice but just after he was trying to break up so didn’t happen). He had promised to get help. Nothing. Now I am facing having to look for a place to live…he’s cold, disconnected… hypersexual with me, gets in rages because he wants me gone so his ex will let the kids come back (she doesn’t want them witnessing me leave again), then nice. I cant afford to leave as I pay to support my older son with Asperger’s. He knew I was in a bad spot but asked me to leave immediately regardless. He told me he knew he loved me the night before and that morning, went to his therapist he hadn’t seen in 2 yrs, had a meltdown, and broke up. I’m lost and broken
Forgot to say I TOLD HER NOT TO DATE HIM let alone end up marrying him. We dated only for 2 months and I knew he was a jerk. Nope, she thought they got along good and as long as it didn’t bother me they were hitting it off. WELL IT did bother me!!!! At first they thought it was just jealously. No way!!! I was looking out for her and tried and tried to tell her the way he ACTS is not how he really was. Why don’t women get it? When a good friend tells you that a man has HUGE red flags, for the love of dear God please at least take it into consideration. It would have saved her a ton of headaches!
Half a million is what my ex narc hole is costing my good friend! He’s got her in so much debt and has cheated 2x in their marriage that we know of. She confides in me everything this guy does. He manipulated multiple business partners that all kicked him out of the businesses, they want nothing to do with him. He abused all company credit cards for expensive restaurants, hotels, shows, gas, & all kinds of material purchases that he wanted. He had skanks calling his cell behind my good friends back. He talked her into putting their house up for his latest and greatest business venture. He owes multiple companies $$$. He even steals from his own parents and siblings. Always promises to make good on his investments which is a load of crap. Instead of working hard he is usually playing video games, golfing, or drinking at a bar with his immature middle aged buddies. He has 0 empathy. He hits on married women constantly and tries to break up marriages. He likes targeting women with kids because he pulls the he’s the best guy in the world card. Constant chaos and drama is what he thrives off of. Playing mind games with everyone. She finally gave him the boot and is moving on with her life, but still is upset he is shacking up with a 25 year old. Someone half his age. I told her to MOVE ON TOTALLY and pray for the younger gal because she is in for a rude awakening with the luvvy duvvy bs wears off. She should be happy to be free from all his garbage and toxic destruction. Be grateful she can get healthy again and be able to think clearly and possibly someday meet a decent, sane, caring, normal guy!
I really appreciate the honesty and raw emotion I felt when reading some of your responses. I read and liked your article, Savannah. I found it very honest and informative. I might include the behavioral traits that give the Narcissist so much appeal in the first place. People with this disorder tend to be incredibly cunning, manipulative and charming. These behaviors have been honed for many years; so many of these engage in such behaviors; after all, how else could they snag so many of us fabulous women and men? Most have spent a lifetime creating a world that meets their needs (and theirs alone) and they have learned how to pick people that will put them first. They are very good at what they do, which is spend every minute of every day making sure their needs are met.. I was mo match for my narcissist, and I was perfect for him. A caretaker by nature, I took excellent care of him and blamed myself when he wasn’t happy. I blamed myself that he never really paid attention to me. By the time I realized that none of my needs were being addressed, years had gone by and we had three children! I took care of them emotionally as well. It would be great if we learned more about relationships, intimacy, sex and our bodies, behavior and psychological disorders in school, the way we learn about the relationships between numbers! I mean, we learn nothing about this in high school and only in college if you choose a major that addresses these issues. How are we supposed to choose a partner when we know nothing about human psychology and development? I’m actually asking….what do all of you think? Thanks for sharing and educating…
I’m reading more and more of your posts and the comments. It’s helping me a great deal. But it seems all the N written about here are men. Mine was a woman, an excellent singer, a pageant, middle age and never married. I can not believe she did to me what she did. I’ve written about it in other posts of yours. But she verbally abused me and she emotionally abused me as well as physically. I keep fighting off desire to contact her. It’s been 5 weeks.
No narcissists don’t often change – it’s the nature of their pathology.
My ex is also repartnered with kids & lately his partner has been trying to engage me in conversations about his behaviour when I drop my kids off & he’s not there.
I change the subject. I’ve no issue with her but she wanted him & so she can now deal with him.
My story exactly!
I have to deal with this person on an ongoing basis as he is the father of my children & I can tell you all that it causes me ongoing stress which I do my absolute best to manage.
I have my wonderful children & I work on seeing him as my greatest teacher. However if I am truly honest with myself he has scarred me in ways people who have never lived with a narcissist can never understand.
I was in a relationship with a Narcissist/Borderline. I had no idea what all this was until this relationship. When I look back I still cannot believe a person could be like this. It was a year of intense emotions and unimaginable heartbreak. While my emotions and love were real and deep, his were shallow and ever-changing. Because it was such a roller coaster I could never get level and I was always off. When I was finally able to right myself I realized I had been through a horrific battle and I needed to save my sanity. These types of relationships are the hardest to get over and take twice the time. After almost a year I still feel hurt and heartache but I know I will never go back ever. I gave and got nothing back. I haven’t been in a relationship since him. I think in a way I am scared to ever be in that situation again, but I do hope I can find a healthy love with someone who is kind. You are right, they do take immense pleasure in your pain, they get off on it. See the red flags ladies and get out before you get too deep because it is very difficult to get out and then years have gone by and it’s a waste of YOUR precious life! Stay strong and remember NO CONTACT!
Tonight I broke the NC rule. My emotions overruled the fact that I know he is a narcissist.
It was inevitable on the 1 year anniversary that I would be a bit vulnerable. I told him I was torn between wishing things were different versus I hated him. Honest but true!
Tonight I realise that cognitively I know what he is but emotionally the heart is still catching up 🙁
Ortensia, that must be hard for you but please believe you are better off without him.
No question of children here. I am 60, so is he and the new woman is 64.
It may be harder for him to discard the new woman because she moved in with him, has money and is a pathway to folk who stroke his ego. She delivered herself hook, line and sinker. She has chosen to put up with his c**p (probably isn’t seeing it all yet), I didn’t in the end. I know he’s just the same because I’ve been working with him and I’ve heard and seen.
Savannah’s post this week and many others show that Narcs can’t change. Your ex’s new partner may have compromised to the point at which she is willing to take care of one baby and one emotionally incontinent f**kwit (to quote Bridget Jones). There will be a future in which he behaves exactly as he did with you. At some time, it will out.
This is a beautiful thing to know your not alone and most of all not crazy! To love someone and share your life with them ,and they can careless about the sacrifices u made and good friends and loved ones u lost dealing with them. So cold and blank , I read a comment before and they said” they are like the devil in the flesh”. I believe this is the kind of person our parents warn us about when we were kids .
can someone tell me if your ex Narc are still together with the supply they’ lett us for?
mine married her and they’re expecting a baby.
of course I don’t envy or hate her, but the question is : how can she resist? Is there any possibility that he’s a better person?
Ortensia, Even though your ex N is married, I’m sure he has other women on the side, mine did and that seems to be very common. From what I have read, wives are secondary supply and girlfriends are primary supply. You and I were just part of our N’s harems. No, your ex N has not changed. If you read more on N’s you’ll see that it is next to impossible for them to change.
It has been a long time since I’ve wrote in. I still read your posts from time to time. I have been knee deep in research on Narcissists and what I’ve found was very eye opening and life changing. I realized that my parents and my grandmother are narcissists and I now know what to do to deal with them and not let their negative words and actions affect me. I had wrote in a long time ago about being in a “relationship” with a Narcissist and how horrible he was treating me. I finally saw that he just wanted to have sex with me.. That’s it. He would sweet talk me, use our daughter as an excuse to come to my house and sleep with me. And if I didnt sleep with him, he would become very violent and sexually abusive. It got to a point where I would just give myself to him because I knew once he got what he wanted, he would leave me alone for weeks until I heard from him again. Well, not too long ago, he was arrested for breaking into a female house that he was messing with and he had raped her. He is still awaiting trial at this moment. I am in the process of getting full custody of my daughter and I’m moving on with my life. I knew something was wrong with him months into the “relationship” but I didn’t know that he was capable of doing something like this. I’m very thankful that it wasn’t me. Thank you so much for being there for me when I finding out what kind of person I was dealing with and giving out this very helpful information!!!!!!!
Do some narcs value certain supply more than others or is all supply pretty much the same?
I guess that might lead them to a certain type of nostalgia for particularly good sources.
Not to toot my own horn and I’m certain I share this trait with others here, but I’m the perfect narc bait. Not everyone they come in contact can be so good. Perhaps this thought can help others struggling with the question whether the N is happier with the new partner.
For my narc, no way it’s possible and somehow that makes me feel a little better.
In the end, we are targets and good sources of supply because of who we are. Embrace that because the alternative would be hell for people like us. And I feel taking some responsibility in this is also therapeutic. I know I was in a very low energy cycle and I was a perfect target.
But since I shed my narc (6 months NC), I feel reborn.
Keep moving forward.
Thanks to everyone here and thank you sav
Like you Savannah, I am a licensed therapist. And like you I did not see the monster I was engaged to. I believe to this day it gave him an extra Narc ego boost to fool a therapist who could actually diagnose him. Your story is almost identical to mine, except for the mom who died and the car accident. He left me abruptly and as cruelly and coldly as possible. One morning he got up and kissed me goodbye before we left for work like many other days, and then he never came home again. He texted me and told me it was over. TEXTED ME! He went to great lengths to say the most miserable heart tearing things he could think up, for the pure purpose to maim and injure me as much as he could before walking out on me. 6 months after buying me a 10,000 dollar engagement ring and getting on his knees to place it on my finger promising me all of his love for the rest of his life, he left me for another woman. I am convinced he was grooming her while he was getting engaged to me. He posted their pics together on fb immediately. I remember looking in his eyes while I begged him to work on our relationship, and they reminded me of lifeless black lizard eyes. No emotion, no remorse or compassion for me whatsoever, when a short while ago he was promising me the world because I was ‘his perfect partner and only chance for happiness”. I am sure he stole those lines from some movie he saw. I am long over him and know exactly what he is thanks to you and some other Narc experts out there whose books I read. But it still amazes me on the very rare occasion I think about it. I counsel many women who have experienced this and do not know what it is. I tell them exactly what it is, and then send them to your page and others.
Oh by the way, the ass wanted the ring back, lol. That was the biggest Narc injury I was able to do, I kept the ring knowing he would be paying it off monthly for quite some time. HA HA! Its a very pretty cocktail ring now, and that’s ALL it is for me, a piece of fine jewelry I designed. His new woman thought she got the “prize” from me. But in reality she got the “booby prize”, and I am sure her life is not a happy one at this moment with that disordered human.
My advice to everyone is this: If I could do it over again, when he said it was over, I’d say yes it is, I was going to tell you yesterday its over, and you just aren’t the one for me. Savannah is right!If someone wants to walk away let them! Don’t beg! It won’t make them stay it just makes you lose self respect. Don’t let them know your hurt, tell them you agree and its a great idea for them to leave. Because it is!! There are GREAT guys out there and they are NOT one of them!
This is amazing! I really needed to read this today. I’ve spent three weeks trying to conduct an autopsy on a relationship that ended for no understandable reason. All my calls and emails have gone unreturned, even though he said he’d keep in touch. I did receive one response, and it was a semi-intimate photo of him with his new girlfriend. I find it suspicious that he could find someone so fast, but reading this confirms my feelings that she was there all along. I feel more ready to accept that I will never get the answers I need and that I did nothing wrong. Thank you for restoring a piece of my sanity. I’ve been such a mess.
Loved that nostalgia chip removal idea Ortensia…sign me up! :-). I agree that their anxiety and anger will never be equal to our suffering but time will heal us. I’ll have to check out “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” movie. You might like to check out “Splendor in the Grass” with Natalie Wood, an oldie but goodie. XO
Ortensia, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but I have to disagree that the narc always wins. I had this same mentality for a long time but you do come out of it. Then you realize that they don’t win at anything. I would not consider myself a winner if I manipulated my family, friends, coworkers and lovers into believing I am a good person when I was not. I would not feel like a winner if I constantly strung partners along telling them all that I love them. While they call me begging, pleading and screaming asking why my behavior did not match my promises. I would not be a winner for thinking I am the end all be all of everyone’s world. I would not be a winner for physically assaulting my partner just because they asked why I was talking to other women behind their back. I would not be a winner if I stole from my parents and siblings without them knowing. I would not be a winner for jumping from one person to the next leaving a string of heart broken souls in my wake. I would not be a winner for believing that I am God and there is no one higher or more powerful than me. I would not be a winner for trying to control people by ripping apart their insecurities and making them want to commit suicide. I would not be a winner for never being truly vulnerable and connecting to someone on a spiritual and meaningful level. I would not consider myself a winner if I sat in brief moments of silence hating myself but knowing that I will never talk to anyone about it or care to stop my hurtful and destructing ways. I would not be a winner for getting sheer joy by watching other people suffer.
I would be akin to the devil himself.
To anyone reading this:
They don’t win and as long as you keep this mentality, this keeps you sick and in the victim mentality. You are the winner and stop thinking you’re not. Karma is real but it’s not instant. These people will get what’s coming to them- in time. Keep healing, keep moving, remain in no contact (it saved my life) and keep reading Savs emails. God is real and he sees what you’re going through and it is not in vain. Maybe we have to go through this because it brings to light the areas where we must fix ourselves. I don’t mean the areas that the Narc has torn apart and criticicized…I mean the areas where we feel we deserve such treatment, where we feel we must fix someone in order for them to love us. These relationships are not love and we must realize that. And no, it does not change with the new man or woman. It’s a matter of time until the new partner goes through EXACTLY what you went though- give it time.
It rains on the just and the unjust. It may be raining on you today, but it will pour on the narcs one day too and it will be ugly. But you…you have beauty ahead of you, they do not. Rise from the ashes and fight for your health. We are all stronger than we know and it does get easier.
Sarah is right, as is Cody. The “missing pieces” of the N cause us so much pain because we want to believe the early overvaluation stage was the truth. But in the end, when we have regained our equilibrium and are beyond the Ns reality distortion field, we see the truth: we are whole, fully equipped humans and the N is not. And never will be. Our full blooded humanity is something the N will never have. How can someone so full of holes be called a winner? That’s literally a hollow victory. Living well — with real feelings — is the best revenge.
I finally got to the place where I stopped asking “Why?” The answer is, “Because they want to and they can.” My ex narc’s feindish behavior says NOTHING about me, and eveything about him. I had to accept that I was “in love” with a hologram. Being with a Narc is like standing on a “Hollywood land ” set and marveling at the grand plantation “Tara,” from “Gone with the Wind” It seems beautiful and authentic, at first. But when you look behind the initial view, it’s a one-dimensuonal flat facade. It’s not a real house, and nobody lives there. What narcs do isn’t even personal. People are just objects that serve a purpose, until the next shiny object. They are interchangeable. And if he’s draping his new woman in diamonds? I’d advise her to “go get that sh%! appraised. I am 100% sure it’s zirconia.
I get confused. The Narcissist I was involved with for two years was married and has NEVER left his wife in the ten years they have been together. She has left twice and come back even knowing about me. This last time the N had had an accident and almost died. When he got released from the hospital, his wife called him and said she had left! This man had been on life support and she left. Lesson for me: I nursed him back to health, he said he was divorcing her, and yeah, they went back together, and I was out. They had no children together and she had broken up his first marriage. Isn’t it unusual for a narcissist to stay in a long term marriage?
Missing the nostalgia chip: I’ll pay to have my chip to be removed. let’s be honest: their anger their anxiety will be never equal to our suffering.
Do you know that movie:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
That’s what they’re. besides the end . Because that’s Hollywood . But narcissist always survive.
And it’s so unfair
Do not wish away your humanity because you think they never feel any pain. They’re empty and soulless and they really do not age very well at all. You can’t imagine it, but they’re in constant pain and emptiness and self-loathing. Just because they don’t care about YOU, doesn’t mean they walk around laughing it up all day – we can get over our hurt, they never get over their empty, constant hunger.
Bingo. I wish I had read this years ago when my ten year marriage ended exactly how you describe it here. Your writings and understandings are so *accurate*. “It was like our life had tarnished and turned to black… And the other woman (married co-worker) represented spring flowers, babbling brooks…”
Yes, we work on our own ability to love ourselves and see the red flags and hopefully not end up in that situation again… thank you Savannah.
Thank you Savannah, for your insights and your wisdom. Even after 2 1/2 years, even knowing that I have no interest in that ‘man’ anymore (we were together 5 1/2 years), I still struggle with the cruel, inhuman treatment at the end. When my ‘prize’ left I was 6 weeks out of 9 months of cancer treatment (doing great now!) and after visiting a sick friend last week, seeing how weak and frightened she was, it just brought home to me the fact that he not only D & D’d me in a vicious and cruel manner, he did it to me when I was extremely weak and vulnerable. Made it so very clear how worthless I was in his eyes. There is no limit to their callous cruelty. It’s very helpful to be reminded that these people are NOT normal, and therefore to try and understand why they do what they do is fruitless. Their shallowness is sometimes hard to grasp, because they feign deep feelings so well. It’s all about extraction of fuel, never about the person. Women (and men) are just interchangeable objects for them. It’s hard to wrap the mind around the fact that we meant absolutely nothing to them, and they make that so very clear during the discard. Hideous people.
Thanks Savannah, I think most of the questions in my head have been answered.
I’m now focusing on getting some inner peace, much better than sad thoughts running around in my head.
Loving your you tube meditations – the focus is changing from him to finally me (that’s without self absorption!).
I just finished a year long divorce from an almost 40 year marriage to a “N” and experienced everything in this fabulous article. Sadly, I do agree with Ortensia’s comments that the “N” does win. I don’t believe these people feel any negative emotions. Victims please remember that when you are trying to recover the “N” gets a sick pleasure in seeing you miserable,be it financially and/or emotionally. As unimaginable/cruel as it sounds, in your “N”s eyes, you were easily interchangeable with ANY person he encountered at ANY time during your relationship/marriage. Life is not fair but you can hold your head up high knowing you are a kindhearted human being with morals. I know you are going through excruciating emotional pain but please try hard to not let him take any more of your life away than he already has.The more life he takes from you the more he continues to win..stop his winning. XO to all of you.
Another wonderful article thank you Savannah. i too can relate to the emotionless eyes, the lack of nostalgia and the finality of what was served up. It helps immensely to have an understanding of how they behave.
I still have a curiousity on the cause of narcissism? My Ns parents have been married 50 years but have a dysfunctional relationship. His mum kind but blind to the state of the relationship and her release is travel. His father, a deeply thoughtful man with a great sense of humour, who has high levels of anxiety and Loves when his wife goes on holiday.
The N adores his dad, is rude to his mum but weirdly always goes to her for advice and $. N’s sister is a cold fish and his brother lively but up and down.
The link to overly negative or adoring parents just doesn’t seem to apply here. I’ve spent a bit of time with the parents and I miss them. I remain puzzled on how they have contributed to his narcissism. Thoughts please?
I don’t think there is a one size fits all answer Leanne. Some say nurture, some say nature. It is possible that his parents behaved much differently when he was an infant – perhaps as they were younger, they were more unstable, more neglectful… maybe he was born that way. It’s impossible to say.
My heart goes out to each and every one of you. My father was a Narcissist and he often kicked us when we were down…that’s what they do. I finally learned that I am a Narcissist magnet> I was with three in a row! ‘After much pain, I learned to watch and wait, and to slow down in relationships before giving my heart. I had to deal with my abandonment issues first. I am now with a wonderful man who has such a big heart and so much to give. Thank you, Savannah..your posts help so many 🙂
Same story, different Narc Jerk. My divorce was weeks from being final, so our long awaited for engagement could become official. Then mine started acting & distant. Them blaming me. I ran around turning myself inside out trying to fix it. Sudden, cold, abandonment. Everything, including the cat was left behind! I begged for year and the push/pull of intermittent reinforcement of bouncing in & just out of my life drove me to despair. Far, far later I found that of course there was another girl while we were still living together & after they left. This girl of course was getting lies as well. Covert. Manipulative Bullshit.
I remember telling my narc ex-friend that I wished he would cut me a little slack. Everything was nitpicked and he would bully and criticize for the most mundane things, as though he wanted to find fault with me.
After his 7 years of lies about everything, including his entire identity, I remember telling him how I wished he could realize the hurt he put me through. Never an apology.
In his mind, he has rationalized the dishonesty in such a way that makes him the victim. He had no real interests–they were all feigned to impress me in the beginning. He’s only into celeb gossip and material things.
There is such an immense shallowness with these people. They can fake depth but as you get to know them, you see how void they are.
It still boggles my mind how he is able to believe that lies and deceit are in his right.
And once they devalue you, there really is no amending yourself in their minds.
My narc exH completely turned his back on me and the marriage, but is still around the children as we have joint custody. The nostalgia thing was one of the first things that slapped me in the face. He took/takes OW (now gf) to places that we went to as a couple and as a family that had deep sentimental value – or so I thought. 2 years since discovering the cheating and just a few months out from divorce finalized I’m still shocked at how well he played the role, and for how long and how utterly clueless I was.
It’s so surreal when someone shares their story it’s as if they are telling my story. This resonates with what I endured. Thanks for sharing.
Wow. Car accident. Your mother died. And boom he is gone to coworker he has been smoozing for months.
So for me my aha moment *should* have been when I had a miscarriage and he decided one of my coworkers had “better energy and attitude” than I did and proceeded to have a “fling” with her. I was so weirded out that I did not respond at the time. Just numb.
Yep I said it a million times “after all this time, we aren’t bonding or growing”. this validates what I was feeling all along. Realizing I wasn’t crazy afterall.
Thank you Savannah for this article. It hit the nail on the head. Yesterday was a year since he started a fight with me – forcing me to say I’d had enough – so he could pick up with someone new – who I’m sure was already in the picture. Still, after a year, I cry. Not because I want him back but because of how I was discarded like I was worthless. I’ve been told by a friend that he had to leave – I caught on too quickly to his game and would call him on his behavior. So I guess because I was no longer “good supply” because I was finding “fault” with him – he had to get rid of me and find a better source of supply. I get that. But it still hurts to know that I meant nothing to him. And that he played Mr. Perfect to win my heart only to throw me away.
Everything you said about what is missing is what I experienced. And it’s still so hard for me to believe that he really may be what I think he is (a narc). I always think that he and this new woman will live happily ever after. I want so badly for him to be exposed for the RAT that he is.
To all the ladies who responded. You have my deepest empathy for your pain and sorrow having been with these men for years in marriage and with children. I was only with this man for two years, never married. The pain I’ve suffered is the worst I’ve ever experienced in a relationship, so I can imagine that your pain must be 10 times worse than mine.
Savannah, the hardest thing for me is to make sense of how these men can move on unscathed with everything seemingly in their favor while we are left in a heap of devastation and hurt. It “appears” he’s happy, she’s happy, they have fun and travel and he buys here diamonds and treats her like a queen. And I just ask WHY. Although I now KNOW things I never did before about what I experienced – I STILL ask WHY.
Oh Savannah, I can’t thank you enough for your writings.As I said before you are a life saver. So many of us here try to heal and understand what we have been through. This article seems like my own life experience. Each and every thing you wrote is perfectly right. It took me years to understand everything. I thought I was going crazy.
He forgot me and our beautiful young children like we never existed. And he goes around to friends and neighbors gossiping and blaming. Oh what a cruel creatures are these Narcissists. It would take me days and months to write how cruel he is to me. Thanks to you for helping me to be alive today.
May almighty God blessed you ,Savannah. I wish I had more words to thank you.
For all the ladies here who suffered with these emotionless Narcissists, don’t worry we will be fine. I just feel a pity for miserable them.
Yes we invest wholeheartedly in a relationship while the NARC cannot give or even fathom out feelings for them.I now look back at the men who said they loved me, but hurt me so much, and I hurt myself too… I am truly me, living the way I want and surrounded by those who love me for who I am. I am almost 16 months out of relationship with my last NARC. I feel so good!! My life has been changing and I am so strong!! After finding your blog last year I discovered it was the men I chose in my life as I am a co-dependent. My mother was very critical and I felt not deserving of a good, healthy relationship with a man. I was too “needy”. The wonderful man I have met a month ago is not like the others. Although he is not perfect, he is perfect for me. WE talk, we dream and he loves me the way I need to be loved and I do the same for him. Without your blog I would still be stuck in the same old, same old. I share your blog with everyone who can use your wisdom and the sharing of other’s stories. WE are NOT alone!!! Thank you Savannah!!
Love this article. Explains what they are missing to the T!
I understand the article Savannah, but I struggle with my need to close the door on 20 years of crazy-making from my own relationship with a narcissist. I’m the one that has to shut myself down to stop feeling for him and once again ignore the damage he caused.
I’m in a relationship now with a wonderful person, but I know there’s damage that my wonderful partner has to “wear”.
More counselling will hopefully let me be normal, feel things less intensely when I remember some of the horrible things my ex did and made me feel. But unlike your article, I feel like I’m the one who had to be callous and unfeeling for his hurts finally in order for me to fully feel and empathize with ME.
I could so relate to this article except I left him after 18 yrs 3 kids and you would have thought he was never married. He never said he missed me or asked me to come back. I felt like omg what have I done. I begged to be together again, reminded him of our family and yrs together and he just looked at me emotionless. The very man that 3 days before saying I love u and being a great Dad had disappeared. U r right it was like no break up I had ever experienced.
result: they always win. And this is very bad.
I know I should not send out negativity but is sad seeing that some human being like us are suffering so much and some like them , because their impariment are not and will never be.
Ortensia what do they win? They have a lifetime of anger, anxiety, insecurity, paranoia, contempt… I’d rather get dumped by a Narcissist than be one.
Savannah, missing the nostalgia chip is right. Putting it that way helps me understand his thought process or lack of it. Those that walk away or skip away with fresh shiny new supply are missing major components. Their mirroring and love bombing and drawing us into their trap is a horrible quagmire to exit from. Thank you for your posts – they help immensely.
Since my N never left me but pursued me heavily after i left i always have to interpret this type of post. As you have said Savannah they are not all the same. But deep down they are. When he had his endless supply on the side he had no empathy for my pain. Time and time again i would be hurt, someone cry. He would just tell me i was jealous, had a jealous streak. Was insecure. Amazingly it was all my fault.
When his wife filed for divorce (yes because of me), he would come to my house every morning and cry. Cry for a woman he claimed to not love any more and hadn’t for years. He would show up with red eyes. Tell me he couldn’t sleep. When i look back on it, it was all such unusual behavior. Plus the lie that he was separated. They were not. He had me to his house and made love to me in his house which was still their house. No empathy for her at all. And of course he did the same to me eventually. As i began to question and complain and argue about his behavior i was not the perfect supply any more. I didn’t worship him any more like i did in the beginning.
In the beginning i thought he was so wonderful, i kept waiting for him to break up with me. My self esteem was so low and codependency was so strong after my divorce (and now i realize before my marriage even) that i actually thought he was perfect and i was not worthy of such a man. So i have learned so much. I have a sister and 2 brothers. My older brother and sister have been divorved twice. My younger brother is trying to grt his first divorce but his N wife won’t cooperate so he has given up and is just staying married to her. None of us can have a healthy relationship. I’ve had 2 relationships after my divorce, 1 with an alcoholic and one with sn N. My sister has had only one relationship since her divorce and he was an alcoholic that did not work at all and was also on methadone. There obviously is a pattern in our family. That is why i always say sex abuse on young children impacts ahell of a lot of people past the victim. Our mother neglected and criticized us among her love and caring. She modeled low self esteem. I never felt “right” growing up. There is a huge hole in my soul I’ve been trying to fill up my whole life. For first time i have a good understanding of my codependency because of this website. I see him and myself for the first time.
I left him and went no contact because i finally see him. Now I’m working on myself because i finally see me. Love and hugs to all. We can get past this if we do the work. Most days i feel I’m making no progress but i know I’m making some. First i got him out of my life which is a huge step. Now baby steps one at a time to heal myself.
This is exactly what happened to.me … I’m finally after 2 years coming to terms …and yes there is no care for what is left behind …. He did marry her …much younger CO worker … His boss …. Both married … I will never be the same in the sense … Much wiser… Stronger … Smarter .. Thank you Savannah for all of the validation … It helps more than you know !!!!
Thank you. It’s reassuring to know that I’m not crazy. Rather this behavior by a Narsasist is devastating and takes time to recover from 🙂
Omg i feel like i wrote every word in this article. Even after kicking him out over a year ago i still can’t believe that he doesnt care about any minute of our 20 year marriage. Not one memory. He just turned his back and walked away and started a whole new life with someone else. Like my kids and i were all a book he just closed.
Thank you Savannah! Yes to everything you wrote! My ex left a 17 year relationship with me for a married coworker. He showed no empathy in my severe suicidal depression it was my caring psych MD who recognised his nod. We are talking about an engineer with the State earning 6 figures but our marriage counselor I stayed with said he married me for my inheritance. I’m so happy to read your work. It heals my mind.