Believes he is “special” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Many victims of Narcissistic abuse have spent sleepless nights agonizing over their Narcissist’s behavior. They get tripped up on trying to decipher intent and motive. The problem with that is, very often, a Narcissist’s behavior isn’t logical. It defies the laws of common sense and decency and for a non-Narcissist it’s very difficult to figure out.
The self-centered behavior will manifest itself in dismissive words or deeds. If you try to show a Narcissist how their behavior has been unkind or unfair you may get a hand gesture, a look or they may just change the topic and ignore your concerns all together.
You may also see it in humiliating and belittling behaviors. As well, a common theme is for a Narcissist to refuse to patronize certain companies or institutions he or she deems beneath them. Belittling allows a Narcissist to gain supply through the pain and suffering of others. Putting people down makes them feel big.
Spending time with high status people confirms their beliefs about themselves and allows them to glean supply through proxy.
A belief that you are special and unique and deserve special treatment is a common behavior for most Narcissists. It looks something like this:
- I am more important than you and because of this, my behavior gets a free pass. You are beneath me. Therefore, you are not deserving of the same special treatment.
- In relationships – I’m above you. My needs matter. You’re my play-thing, here for my enjoyment alone. Your thoughts, needs and feelings are not relevant or necessary for my pleasure. You’re lucky just to even be with me.
- I get bored easy with the mundane. You are tedious and ordinary. So, I am entitled to do what I want, with whomever I want. You’re lucky to even be with me.
- Rules don’t apply to me. I am above them. Rules apply to you – you are average.
- I am not accountable for my actions. Special people are not to blame for anything. Why should I take the blame or punishment, when I can just blame one of the ordinary people?
- I can use, lie, cheat, steal, connive, conspire and manipulate in pursuit of my goals. I do not have the capacity for traits such as honesty, honor, integrity, commitment and compassion. They hold no meaning for me.
This behavior takes on an arrogant bent and those around them are often stunned at the way they treat others. Whether they are rich or poor, intelligent or banal, a Narcissist lacks insight into their reality and how others see them.
A loyal flying monkey might even laugh and be amused at how deplorable their actions are and this can spur the Narcissist on to even greater egocentric behavior.
For those suffering from codependency and low self-esteem, having their feelings and needs readily dismissed is a lifelong theme. They can be overly tolerant of poor behavior and their acceptance fuels the Narcissists entitlement.
Codependents tend to put their partners on a pedestal, jumping to fulfill their every need and desire. Narcissists surround themselves with worshippers and dismiss any who don’t dance to their tune.
Below is a video of Scott Disick from Keeping Up with the Kardashians. At the end of the short clip you will see him stuffing money in a waiter’s mouth. In the episode he is heard calling the waiter a peasant.
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Image courtesy of nenetus at freedigitalphotos.net
I formerly believed it unfathomable, but it isn’t really. It’s just a person with delusions of grandeur who goes on the attack when his perception of self feels as though he might be attacked. He either strikes first or if he’s caught off guard, pretends to have no clue, …that you are overreacting, crazy, or just plain stupid and you mean nothing and should be disregarded. All of this he sets up in advance by defaming, mischaracterization, and general dismissal of the relationship as genuine. The truth is it isn’t. Because HE or SHE, as it were, isn’t.
If only I could get back the years and energy I’ve wasted trying to fathom the unfathomable!!
I would also like my self esteem back…It’s incredible how these people play with your life, press your buttons in private and public but in a way others don’t see. So you’re the one who finally flips, looks unhinged while they sneer and bask in attention from onlookers, even if they are strangers who matter nothing to them. They will turn your world upside down and have you doubting yourself in ways you never thought possible. Mine loved an argument and he had to win…even when I knew he didn’t even believe what he was saying! I didn’t get married to spend my live arguing pointless arguments but he did.
I have found myself acting in ways I would never have believed of myself before I met him.
In an earlier post Hurtin Cowboy said he tried to drown his sorrows with substances. Unfortunately, I’m ashamed to say, I took to alcohol. It is such a destructive substance and I have lost the respect of my children but guess what? Daddy still looks good in spite of the fact he had very little to do with them, scared them and critised my mothering skills!
So, follow the wise words of Savanah, look after yourself first, do the things you know are good for you even if you don’t want to. I’ve been so self destructive and have given myself an additional hurdle to cross by my need to cut out the alcohol. I’m trying to find a way to make myself feel better, trying to find a way to stop the self loathing. These posts and comments are encouraging, however, I have noticed that I don’t always fully take them in. We have to be ready to accept and digest what is being pointed out! Getting there…slowly and as Hurtin Cowboy pointed out, little steps, force ourseves to do what is in our best interest, keep pushing forward. After having worked so hard for my children it’s vital now that they see Mommy climb back from the debris a NP leaves in their wake!
Thank you, and I thank myself too for my ability to read English, and lately, my ability and determination to “read” people.
Savannah I very much enjoy your posts. They have been helpful to me. As someone who is quite empathetic, it was very difficult to believe that these kinds of individuals exist. I still find it hard to imagine how they find any real joy in life when they are so self involved and have such little regard for anyone but themselves.
I particularly like the part where you say that a narcissist’s actions are not logical.
I think that’s true. The narcissist I had the misfortune of knowing once, I found out later was extremely wealthy. We are talking 0.01% type wealth, yet he would repeatedly deceive his followers by claiming that he only made X amount of dollars through his work. He kept this lie going by driving an old car. It was only till I woke up to what was going on and left that dysfunction, that I realised how truly wealthy he was.
And here is the illogical part.
This extremely wealthy individual to my knowledge would not put any of his own money into ventures which would benefit his interests and cause, a cause he spent every day posting about on his sites, a cause he wrote a number of books about and which he spent a great deal of his time lecturing to audiences on. I would witness this and even to this day, his followers ask for money online to fund things that he would benefit from. To my knowledge he would never offer a cent towards anything. So in fact, because this individual was so tight, he would ultimately sabotage his own goals and projects. I do not know to this day what he spends his many 100s of millions of dollars on. Fortunately I never met him in person, despite his encouragement to do so earlier in our “relationship”. I found that truly amazing and headscratching to witness how self-sabotaging he was in this regard. But as I said, I only found out how wealthy he was after I left when I happened for some reason to do a search online.
This individual continues today to gather more followers via online. Some wake up to it and leave and other poor souls don’t know what they are walking into. He is initially very charming and charismatic. As one gets to know him, one discovers how he backstabs and belittles every single loyal person that supports his cause/cult. He is cold and cruel to anyone who questions him and likes to humiliate anyone who questions him or anyone who eventually rejects him and his group/cult. He insists that anyone who rejects him be rejected by the group. He encourages his followers to cyberbully anyone who walks away from this cult like group, and he smears anyone who does so via his “team” for years after they leave.
He has no real empathy, no loyalty. One is merely a means to an end for him. He spreads complete falsehoods about those who leave. It’s truly something to behold how dysfunctional it is, and how many people online continue to fall for his act, year after year to be tossed aside when he either gets bored, or finds a “new shiny thing” (usually a woman with low self esteem and a pleaser) to play with. There’s nothing sexual in a physical sense, but one gets the idea that he finds excitement in this stream of women who want to help him with his cause. I don’t know what his partner thinks of this.
He expected everyone to sing his praises and mention his name any time they speak of this cause. And if they do not sing his praises, and mention his name often, they become suspect by the group. The only way to remain in his group is to follow loyally behind him and to promote him constantly. I didn’t realise how cult like it was till I left. I walked away after 3 years of being in this unfortunate group and was cyberbullied for years after by his group at his request (which of course he would deny). The smearing of his targets (and there are dozens of them) will continue for as long as this person is alive.
I rarely think of him at all, except when I read posts like yours or topics about narcissists. I am so grateful that I removed myself. Sometimes when I watch that TV reality show by Leah Remini, and how they talk about “suppressed people”, I am reminded of the kind of cult this person has created and how he carefully protects it and continues to do so.