There tends to be some confusion amongst readers on the basic template of a narcissist. I write a lot about a certain type, mainly the Somatic boomerang Narcissist, because it is the type you will most commonly run into in the dating world. But it raises a lot of confusion and questions for people who are involved with other types of Narcissists. There are certain types and subtypes of Narcissists and I thought a little clarification might be in order.
Cerebral and Somatic
I think most people have a firm grasp on the difference between the two, but for those that don’t, here is a short definition of the two main types:
Like the word cerebral implies, a cerebral narcissists has a profound belief that they have a superior intellect, that their intelligence far exceeds that of ordinary folk. They have a vast array of knowledge on just about any topic. They tell stories (real or made up) exemplifying their colossal brilliance. They are quick to point out the failings of others, often showing a great amount of disdain for those of lesser intelligence. Their Narcissistic Supply is generated through their intellect. Their audience admires their wit, stories and superior intelligence.
Somatic Narcissists are consumed with their physical beauty and prowess. You will often find somatics working hard at the gym, or on their appearance in some fashion or another. Somatics derive their Narcissistic supply from the reactions of others to their appearance, or sexual conquests. You will often find a long list of sexual partners in their repertoire.
Many researchers believe that Narcissists are both cerebral and somatic with one being dominant and the other recessive. The type that becomes dominant is the one that was most valued in childhood.
At some point in their lives a Narcissist could be somatic and after some life changing event, they can become cerebral, or vice versa.
Narcissists and sex
I don’t care if you are with a cerebral or a somatic, sex with a Narcissist is just plain, old weird. My long-term Narcissist was a Cerebral/Inverted Narcissist. When I first met him, he described himself as a-sexual and told me that he didn’t need it. When we were intimate, it was routine, mechanical and boring, with long stretches of abstinence in between.
Sex with a Somatic Narcissist tends to be better, but only because this is the way that they derive their Narcissistic Supply. I even had one tell me that they didn’t want to be thought of, as someone that couldn’t please a woman.
Both are robotic and unemotional. While there maybe some cuddle time during the aftermath, the act and the bonding afterwards lack the subtle nuances of authentic attachment and love-making.
Due to the way they derive their esteem Somatics have a hard time remaining faithful. Cerebrals, due to their lack of interest in sex, can remain faithful and in long term relationships.
The Subtypes – The Overt Narcissist and the Covert Narcissist
Depending upon their personality and the type and or level of childhood abuse, a Cerebral and a Somatic can be either an Overt or an Inverted Narcissist, all of which is based on their levels of insecurity and their ability to hide them. Narcissists can be introverted, shy, little balls of hate, or they can be extroverted.
When I think of an overt Narcissist I think of the character played by Julia Robert’s husband in Sleeping with the Enemy. This is the type of Narcissism that most people think of when they think of a Narcissist.
The overt Narcissist must always be in control. They are always right. They don’t hide their expectations that everything must always be all about them and done their way. They have massive egos and they aren’t afraid to show it. This type can verbally or physically slice you to ribbons and feel not an ounce of remorse or guilt. They can be seen as over confident, but it becomes a pathology when the behaviors are way over the top. They are extroverts – their personalities like their sense of entitlement is large, loud, obvious and oppressive.
A Covert Narcissist is a Narcissist who, to the outside world, appears to be kind, altruistic and full of integrity, but they save their rage, extreme selfishness and cruelty for their nearest and dearest. They could be your religious leaders, teachers, counselors, politicians, anyone in a position with some authority or power. Covert Narcissists are very good at pretending. They pretend in order to get what they want, be it power, success, money, fame. They are the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing.
The Parasitic Narcissist
I struggled to appropriately classify my long term narcissist for a long time, thinking as many do that if they weren’t loud and extroverted that they weren’t Narcissists. The definitions available on-line can be difficult to understand as well.
So let’s clear this up. A Parasitic Narcissist is a narcissist who exhibits all of the traits of Narcissism as outlined in the DSM-IV, however this type wants to be taken care of. They lead a parasitic lifestyle, feeding off of their host, and anyone that provides them the opportunity.
They don’t want responsibility. They look for strong, intelligent, successful partners that can run the show, while they don’t contribute and have an, ‘it’s all about me’ party.
They will usually have some type of ailment that they need to nurse, or need you to nurse, which is the reason why they can’t ever be what you want them to be. You may even find them involved with an Overt Narcissist.
The Boomerang Narcissist
Like the name implies the Boomerang Narcissist is one who is constantly popping in and out of your life. They offer very little in the way of believable excuses, but their co-dependent partners keep taking them back. They usually have several other partners they are involved with and bounce from one to the other when it suits them or something is expected of them. These types usually have a harem they can choose from, whom they feed bits and pieces of attention and affection to – just enough to keep them emotionally invested in them.
Classes of Narcissism
We can even break it down further into classes. Taking the criteria for Narcissism from the DSM-IV, we can classify them as showing a tendency to exaggerate certain behaviors more than others. For instance, some will embellish their accomplishments, while others may be consumed with the concept of finding romantic love, and others might be more interested in behaving in duplicitous ways, conning and using others. Here is the list of behaviors, some of which tend to be more dominant than others.
– Exaggerate their accomplishments
– Obsessed with their uniqueness
– Consumed with finding romantic love
– Excessive entitlement behaviors
– Devious and exploitative
– Obsessed with fame and success
– Believe they should get special treatment
– Behave in a selfish and uncaring manner
– Cannot relate to others feelings and desires
– Behave in an envious or jealous manner
– Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner
– Excessively concerned with how they are perceived by others
– Excessive need to have high status friends or other status symbols to impress others.
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I think I’m dealing with a narcissistic sister in law. My husband and I have been married for over 35 years and I could tell the day I met her something wasn’t right with her. She was so fake nice…overly sweet (fake) and that was when she was 15. Then as time passed she would try to control me in some form or another. 15 years ago we both worked for the same firm with different positions and when I decided to leave that company she begged for me to come work for her as her assistant. I knew this was because she wanted to control me and I knew I could never work for her anyway so didn’t hesitate to turn her down but she kept trying until I flat out told her no I’m not interested at all.
2 weeks before she was to be married to her husband she asked me if I thought he was worthy of her because he was not a 10 and all of her friends told her that she was so pretty that they felt she would marry a really good looking guy. Her wedding was very demanding of what she wanted and she would only have her beautiful friends in the wedding. She even tried to dictate who would be in my wedding based on her same criteria.
When she was older she would tell me what a wonderful and sweet person she was (everyone told her that). Just recently she told me that she is the best in that field of work, she works the hardest, she is the most organized, she gets more work done than others. If you look at her files they are riddled with hundreds of post it notes of reminders to sign this or do that and she has been doing this so long you would think she wouldn’t need those reminders anymore. She is the same way at home…notes everywhere. Totes of organized items everywhere and she is very proud of all of these things.
Fast forward to the past few years. My husband has been forced to deal with her on almost a daily basis as the family decide what to do with their family home that had been deeded over to the children years ago. She is insisting that everything go her way, no one elses opinion or desires matters. She has put herself in control of handling everything and will do what she wants unless my husband gets in her face about it and then she fake cries until he gives in because he doesn’t want to be responsible for her having a breakdown.
Her marriage of over 30 years has always been tumultuous. She is the breadwinner. He gets tired of her analness will pack his bags and go to stay at his mom’s house (no one lives there)and will stay for weeks sometimes. He has his own issues but then don’t we all?
I am to the point that I don’t ever want her in my house because she brings me anxiety and resentment. I don’t need her in my life…never have.
I was happy to find this article I believe the man that I am dating is a combination of boomerang and cerebral however he does fit many parts of other characteristics of narcissism sees me when he wants when it’s convenient for him reels me in and spits me back out and then reels me in and spits me back out. Tells me how amazing and beautiful I am and how lucky he is to be with me and then doesn’t contact me for a few days until he needs me again. It’s exhausting
I dunno. This is a really well written and detailed article. My problem is while I definitely believe in the disorder; the article makes it seem as though any repetitive, negative relationship habits that could be borderline abusive would classify the abuser as a narcissist. It discounts bipolar and other possible undiagnosed mental disorders to easily for me.
Hi there, I am sure that my ex husband was covert cerebral narcopath. I had no idea about narcs or psychopaths during my 10 years marriage. I thought all was my fault as that monster perceived me. All I wanted was to run far far away, And during those times of despair I fell in “love-pain” with another man. Although there were no phisical intimasy there was strong emotional bonding. But that bonding was one sided. He was hot and cold, manipulative, charming but not blatant, not talkative, he had very impressive appearance, sporty, agile. Soon after having some information about narcs, psychopaths, codependents I started to pay attention to his crossing boundaries…and when I told him I needed some time to recover he agreed at first but then gave me silent treatment…that was horrible, hurtfull. And I despite my fear went No Contact with him still waiting someday he will explain his behaviour. But that did not happen. Soon he started to search my attention again. You know he shows himself by asking something from me…I answer no or ignore him…and then he disappears…and then again…That’s why it’s hard for me to forget him. I wonder if he is a narc or has other mental issues, cause he behaves as a maniac. And if he is a narc, what tipe is he?
He sounds bipolar
Same here do not have contact with a narcissist they will move on
He convinced me that he wanted to change. He had done some terrible things. He told me about them and expressed a want to be a good person. I like to help people so I believed him and tried to help. There was a passion there and I fell for it. I knew better than to trust him but it was hard not to. He expressed a want for me emotionally and physically yet seemed okay with the fact I wasn’t ready for sex yet. After a while we had a fight. He withdrew and we started talking less. Eventually we were barely talking but he blamed it on me
He would frequently say things about my personality that weren’t true. He would lead me on and then withdraw at crucial times. He abandoned me at several of my worst moments, disappearing for weeks until I was at the brink of being over him and then popping up again. At the end he started pressuring me to have sex with him even though I wasn’t ready. I told him to be patient. He then found another girl which I found out about and blocked him. He denied it until it was clear I’d found him out and is now out in the open with it. He manipulated me in many many ways, and this was a person who I thought I knew as he had been a friend for years. He led me on just enough to get me to fall for him, claiming we had a special connection at the very beginning, before slowly exposing his true self. Exhibited many of the traits in this article. Accurate.
It seems the motivation of a narcissist is to prey on the weak. We walk among narcissists everyday. Like evolution, dont be weak. Walk away from that bullshit that is called love. Its a word. Actions speak louder than words. Dont need to say or hear it. Narcissist’s say it all the time.
‘Love’ is just a word, but also, the stress hormones that are created in one by a narcissist are addictive…and often mistaken for love. So quite often…it’s not even love at all!
We were together 2 years and 2 days after I moved in I saw the real him (N), such a vicious verbal attack over nothing. I had made him get like this apparently.
Blame shifting when I tried to speak to him about the vicious things he’d say to me.. Anyway after 8 weeks and the 2nd time he told me to get out I did.
3 weeks today since I left, I am so thankful for these sites as I have never to my knowledge known a N.
I’m struggling, as I keep remembering the good times prior to moving in. How could someone express and supposedly be so in love with you, wanting to get married, the things they say, I was put on the pedestal. And so was he I worshipped him.
Why, how… I’m struggling. I’m letting the good times get in the road of what I know he really is. But I always try and see the best in people and think foolishly that we can fix this.
Savannah – I thank you for this site – you are an inspiration for us once victim’s on the full way to recovery. Your article are so right on. You must have thought a lot! I was 18 month together and posted my experiences with my narc here.
One question: does somebody MUST have empathy in order to become a victim of a Narc and suffers. Or can also a let’s say avoidant suffer. My narc keeps saying that her new friend never questioned her. ( I think yeah right – after just getting to know her) I told her one time for you to have a man in your life – he must be submissive and introverted. I am a doer and just the opposite.
I am currently separated from my husband and I believe he is a narcissist. He did make me feel special in fact telling everyone I was a model when I was first introduced into his family. The situation changed dramatically … fights followed antagonism.
I left our family home with my children its been 8 months. I then just recently was with him for six weeks then we had another fight where he began to criticize and plain out deign his part in situations, in our relationship and in public.
I used to question myself .. my sanity my understanding of what occurred at the time as all of it was pulled to bits after I relayed my issues to him and then his responses where changed according to my reactions as if the last thing he said was not said.
he was openly always correcting me in our private conversations. He would let me speak a little then continue on talking to the point I was just nodding and ah ha . if I wanted to add anything to what he spoke of whilst listening he would tell me I was interruption and never let him speak.
my husband gained a lot of weight whilst drinking and our fights occurred he has now lost this weight in the time I left him and constantly reminds me of how good he looks. our last fight led him to tell me he was going to cheat on my and he did not talk to me following that comment. I waited to see if he would talk to me till 4 pm in the day … as I told him I want a divorcé if he wanted to cheat on me.
when he did not text or write I changed my mobile number. one thing I did do which I should not have is sent him an email telling him I figured out why he had abruptly said he was going to cheat on me.
He contacted me back on the email saying he wants me to call him tonight and it would be good to talk to me. As per usual no explanations for his comments no sorry as yet just instruction. So wrote back saying I don’t think we have anything more to say to each other.
he replied saying call me please I ignored him. it took two more days an he started to talk of a past tense situations fondly and told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me. I sent back I will always love him. He sent back I will always love you and I was the only woman he could ever love and that is why he married me. he then again instructed me to call him tonight.
I want to just leave my contact to I will always love him and just not email him again. I am pretty sure of myself more so now after reading that narcissists do not have empathy … that I can stay the course.
but I still have love in my heart for him so his comments are sort of getting to me.
Stay far away from this person. Even if (ESPECIALLY if) you have children together.
You will never:
Say the right thing
Prove your argumentative point
React the right way
But most of all, you will never be truly
It takes time to trust yourself after being with this type of N, you may have PTSD, startle easily, question yourself frequently, have difficulty choosing a new path/ career/ living situation/ even what to wear, but as long as you
SEVER ALL CONTACT with him, you will awake each day with a clean slate; a 24 hour window of opportunity to ERASE the harm and REWRITE your future.
Before you know it,
you’ll be authenticly YOU —NOT who he made you THINK you are.
It can get better and it will.
(Married to a super N 26.5 yrs. now free for 2.5 yrs)
Thank u. 12 years. Struggling to break free. I know he is a N. I do feel myself getting stronger, but second guess myself frequently. What if he Makes it financially after job after job and my unwavering support. I’m angry and bitter. But financially scared to let go. Every though his help is sporty!!!
let me add on – When we had arguments – she said loud and angry: “I am envious and jealous of her” As all the other which did not liked her or treated her not right or or..
Savannah – This post nailed it to to T. My fem narc was a bit from everything cerebral- overt – covert – para and boom – but not somatic – even she dressed beautiful and she is a beauty and when she smiles – men stop thinking… and fits 7 of your criterias She ask me when I am rich will I buy her a Bentley. Of course 🙂 I am thankful for the experience!
I really need some help guys, Apparently I’m not very good at being disposed of, and I’ve always known I lack severely when it comes to “let it go.”, and now that my physical health for the first time in my life, I’m literally sick, Dr. still isn’t sure if it’s kidneys or Heart, but a I’m currently having batteries of tests done, I’ll know soon. However, the dema, and phantom pains are already wreaking havoc, and it is ALL EFFECTS OF GASLIGHTING! Believe it or not, I haven’t gotten to my worry or what I need help with. So here goes, I don’t know, but if possible, I think she is both somatic and cerebral narcissist sociopath, and she tends to pick victims online, with not much face to face, as was the case with mm, as I was hooked, and spent the next 2 years flying back and forth form CA to OH every 6 weeks, but still I was her primary supply, as we spent no less than 5 hours a day every day on Skype, along with nostop texting, and some facetime and phone calls interspersed. I always had a feeling something was up, because I had never in my life had someone SAY EVERYTHING I WANTED TO HEAR, but she did. Anyway, here’s the real deal, in less than a year from now, she will have a bachelor’s in pastoral studies and cadac certification, as she plans to be a drug and alcohol counselor. Why would she want unfettered access to tho those who admittedly want/need help? My thinking is is unlimited narcissistic supply, and possibly also nefariously have her own “candy store” of minds to trifle with, without question, as of course patients will say these negative things, and as we are as victims seen as the crazy one, and that may always be the case. Do you think the school should be made aware of this person’s pathology, as I know she is the reason I’m sick for the first time in 50 years, and I caused her injury of a minor nature, but my sentence for it is death.
Wow, I guess I was married to one too.
I’m wondering; is there a type of narcissism that has a preoccupation with being a victim in some form or another over the course of their lifetime? I know some one who exhibits a blend of symptoms of the types listed here, but a consistent behaviour or hers is to constantly think of herself as a victim, to draw attention to herself. She seems to sincerely believe that the world is out to get her and will fabricate elaborate stories of how people have taken advantage of or abused her in various ways. She will then use these fabricated stories to try and make herself feel more important or special compared to others. She will usually use this victim mentality to try and draw sympathy from people. It’s been going on for decades. Any ideas on this one?
@brian, that sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder (my mother). its a cluster B disorder just like NPD
I haven’t read all of the comments… I’m just kind of wondering about the strong thread of covert narcissism and other narcissistic traits that seem to run in my family and essentially in myself. How do I cure myself of narcissism? My children I fear are already too old to not be very affected, but if we learn how to correct this behaviour together it may be a family exercise in bonding…? My darling 13yo came to me in tears recently (a huge deal as she is normally reticent with her feelings and emotions) and told me she’d read a post and she thought she might be a narcissist. Obviously I can’t cure the past, but there is always hope for the future… isn’t there? I can’t afford therapy so just little ways to challenge these worn in neuro-habits?
I am raising 3 Narcissists. All girls. I think about which Narcissist I am dealing with and try to actually help them curb their worst manipulative behaviour. I will say. My oldest is a brilliant naropath who is so cunning and skillful in her manipulations sometimes I fail to see she is up to her tricks. But tricks they are and when you see the same pattern emerge, become the grey rock. Never show much emotion to anything they do or say. Laugh at their tricks and call them on it. I say, I know what your doing and it won’t work… It even works with a bully. And I have instilled a trigger to stop them from infancy. Its the old 1, 2, 3, technique. My oldest. Is a extrovert parasitic narcopath. She can emulate every single personality trait of every catogory I see. She is the alfa-narcissist. I can only advise using illustrations or parables to show how our spirits can be crushed and killed by fighting the worst of all manipulations. Gaslighting. Never, never lie. Now the others are much easier to work with. Introvert Cerebral, or a know-it-all is the easiest in that every time my little control freak tries to manipulate my little seductive parasite… Oh, my gosh that sounds horrible. I say God gave us free will, who are you to control what your sister wants or does. God will not be very happy with you. She responds with a “I forgot” look and stops immediately. She has been ingrained with the 1, 2, 3, also. She is sweet and tries to show you how it will benefit you and edept at manipulating other narcissists. Why did I do this. Because my oldest is an adult and I can still use 1,2,3, on HER. I take pitty on who she marries and will tell that poor man how to stop her unrelantless force of will. All the husbands will know. I love my children to pieces, and they love me but I have put boundaries on them before they can destroy their mate and eventually their own children. My youngest is so cute and adorable and manipulates everyone with her I am too little to do this, bats eye lashes, will you do it for me??? Introverts are the most sneaky and I say. Who’s in charge. You are mommy. And she stops. Its a trigger to have her stop using her abilities to survive. She is the cutest and easiest to let it go and condone that behaviour! But you have to be strong in the face of the charmer!#!
When I realized something wasn’t right with him I looked up different kinds of disorders and narssist fit the profile . but not just that one some of the traits of a socialpath phsycopath and bipolar too,its like I’m dealing with two different people one is caring understanding a stand up guy who loves and takes care of his family, and the other has mulitiple personalities with a lot of high highs and low lows and takes everything out on me that goes on outside of our home! then I got into reading blogs like this one for the last year and a half of our four yr. Relationship and this is the first time I posted something ,I can relate to almost every post and I never knew anyone who has been through this until now, so many good people with kind hearts good intentions and only want to be loved and be treated the same way they treat others , and run into someone like this is a huge learning experience .
Wow…..this all sounds like my dude every one of them word for word! And I swear if I had of paid more attention to the red flags in the beginning we wouldn’t have gotten this far . he came off as prince charming that knight and shinning armor , and at the time I wasn’t looking for a relationship didn’t want to get hurt or my heart broke. Looking back now he told me what he thought I wanted to hear , did and said things to sweep me off my feet made my heart melt and I gave in! He made me think he had everything in his life in order total opposite ! But in the first year the signs were totally there I just thought maybe he had a lot going on . two yrs. later we moved in together and the first seven months I was doing every thing by myself because he still had his apartment and owed back rent and didn’t want it to get in the way of us getting a house in the future, thats when the mask came off constant fits of rage over the smallest things ,if I confront him about something he focus more on how I know what I know and turn the tables on me being sneaky so one day i did he went to work and I went through all his stuff omg the stuff I found a huge photo album with pics of naked girls all shapes and sizes over 200 girls, with 13 undeveloped cameras and a video camera with tapes dildos vibraters . an eviction letter dated at the time he finally moved in, court papers from him hitting his ex son and she dropped the charges ,no mail at all of the address he said he lived ,sleeping with the enemy is a true statement ,he only helps with half the rent no bills no food no nessities don’t clean , superficial ,arrogant , self centered, angry explosive , petty, expensive and cheap, lazy over sexual and under sexual robotic , disrespectful, does the opposite of what u ask , he notice u don’t like something he does it more and more til u snap, and then snap on u for snapping ,he’s abusive mentally emotionally and phsycal, he has to retaliate no matter what or who his parents kids ex’s who he still talks to even got one pregnant in our relationship , I want him to leave but he won’t tells me that if we breakup I gotta leave and he’s gonna bring someone in here that deserves and appreciate it , I put everything in to this place and me and my son don’t have any where else to go, and I can’t save money cuz I pay for everything becuz he has so much dept . idk what to do????????????but I be damn if he stays and we go I’m too strong of a women to be letting him take over SMH
My ex was a narcissist and I just recently found this out. We dated for 3 years she tragically broke up with me in 2011, she made me believe that I was the crazy one was jealous of me and everything I did. She didn’t want me to hang out with friends or family and always turning it around saying they didnt like her or she couldn’t trust me when I wanted to hang out with friends but it was ok for her to hang with her friends. She could never keep a job saying it was their fault. She even got enraged when I got a job we both applied for she said I had no experience and she had the degrees to deserve the job. Her verbal abuse and taunting caused me to lash back with physical abuse (I know I did wrong but I eventually paid the price) she set me up when I was half asleep after arguing all day and acted like she was out and didn’t care about me anymore that night she brought police into our apt she closed the door and called me anything you can think of and saying she hated me etc to get me angry even saying she was dating/seeing someone else which was probably true. I ended up pushing her and she started screaming saying i was hitting her the policeman barted in (I had no clue they were there) and told me to put my hands behind my back and arrested me. She put a restraining order and made me think I was crazy. I am still suffering from the verbal abuse which to me is much worse than physical to an extent, 5 years later. When we dated I couldn’t go anywhere unless it was with her or her mom. She threatened to break up with me if I didn’t move in with her, even after we had issues in the very beginning of our relationship. This was probably her key to use it for the rest of the relationship (I kissed a guy in the beginning I was 18 she was 23 but she herself also cheated I found this out later when we were already moved in) she always made it seem like she was keeping secrets, things she didn’t want me to know like her changing her name etc. Which made me think she wasn’t being truthful but I could never figure it out but she always found a way to turn it on me make me think it was all my fault. She also loved starting arguments in public places whether it was a store, restaurant, themepark talking so loud so everyone could here and bringing up past events of (what I did) which was so embarrassing but she didn’t care. She was the type where she was controlling she believes shes superior because of her looks, intelligence. She was always into fantasy believing she was a wolf. (Yes as crazy as it sounds) I always thought at first it was a a sexual thing. She was very good at sex at first but after the abuse it got old very quickly. She never considered herself a woman she always thought she had more male hormones. Which she had big muscles somewhat and looks like a man more than the usual lesbian/transexual types but she considered herself bisexual because of it but you best believe I had to say I was a lesbian and everyone had to know even though she didn’t consider herself a woman. Her mother I think knows her disorder or that there’s something wrong with her but she anyways goes with her and whatever she says or does I know ste gave her a lot of money when she needed it probably still does and she is 31. She also moved constantly from place to place when I was with her we moved a total of 5 or 6 times. I was the only one on the lease for the last 3 apts we moved into which we didn’t stay long at any of them so it caused more money when the lease was broken. Of course she used her tactics to explain why we couldnt stay there. When I was arrested she got to stay at the apt for almost a month or two until the judge told her she had to leave and she still even tried asking the judge if she could stay there for 2 more months. Me thinking about abd wiring this all down makes me realize how bad of a narcissist she is. The job I told you we both applied for I have been there 5 years and still there now hopefully from this point I can move on now.
I am a covert/cerebral narcissist with some altruistic and some parasitic components. I am not overtly grandiose, but I think the world is full of generally blissful or malicious people and there is basically little point to the human race. So, I am the worst kind of narcissist – a seething misanthrope. On a more interpersonal level, I can be helpful, friendly, amiable, funny, and seem to be understanding – and I do understand a lot about psychology. However, I am not sure how deep actual feelings of empathy go, or my ability to feel love in the conventional sense of the word. One poster said their narcissistic partner didn’t “test correctly” – well I have taken tests and I was getting strange results. Here is what showed up:
Disorder | Rating
ParanoidDisorder | High
SchizoidDisorder | High
SchizotypalDisorder | Moderate
AntisocialDisorder | Moderate
BorderlineDisorder | Very High
HistrionicDisorder | Moderate
NarcissisticDisorder | Moderate
AvoidantDisorder | High
DependentDisorder | Very High
Obsessive-CompulsiveDisorder | Moderate
My OCD is the “rumination” kind.
I’ve been in therapy my entire adult life. Now, 3 years after my divorce, and a part time dad of 2 kids, I am struggling a great deal. I am in midlife, and I am no longer a youthful child-free guy like I was 15 years ago. It’s a totally different game now. I spend most of my time, money and energy on housing and caring for my kids. I seem to be obsessed with finding a relationship which is very frustrating because (a) I don’t really want one (b) I feel I have little to offer emotionally (c) I don’t like doing the sorts of things most couples do together (d) I have significant sexual issues (e) and I don’t think I can *afford* a relationship due to financial pressures.
I’ve come to terms with what kind of douche I can be, and reflecting on my past life, I recognize a lot of behavior that I not proud of. That said, I tend to make friends very quickly and people like me… until they get to know me. Then I seem to turn them off. I have two good friends who have stuck by me, and both have issues of their own. Maybe their mental health situations are more conducive to hanging out with someone like me.
I never have people over to the house, and my kids don’t have friends come over. I do take the kids out to meet friends from time to time – I seldom have visitors – even my own parents and brother and niece rarely come over.
I am very tired these days, and most times when I don’t have the kids I just drink whiskey and then lay in bed. It seems just doing the absolute minimum (stuff for the kids) is all I can do. I am deteriorating.
Honestly, I like the world the best when the world is “out there” and I inside, in my room, in bed with the curtains drawn and the lights off. I think everything else wrong with me mentally has added up and snowballed into a significant depression.
I need to make some appointments I think…
Humbled Man you don’t mention anything about attention seeking behaviors which is synonymous with NPD. I was thinking you sounded a lot more Borderline than Narcissistic but of course that’s just at first glance and it also coincides with your test results. Dialectical behavior therapy is often used to treat BPD. Have you been officially diagnosed by a licensed practitioner?
I’m still struggling inside wether or not my ex is a narcissist.
He broke up with me via text and before hand he would do a Jekyl and Hyde like call pattern. He’d call me saying he just wanted to hear my voice and three days later go off on me…this was the pattern. I would have delt with it differently but having him talk about what underlying issues connected to events, beyond vague statements is like pulling teeth. We were long distance half our relationship. One particular conversation was after he had called “just to hear my voice…” In between last talking to him my grandfather passed and I was there with him and I believe helped him pass, so I texted my boyfriend of 10 years at the time to say I ha something important to tell him. He called the next day and started yelling at me. I told him wait, wait, I texted that to tell you grandpa passed away..and before I could finish he told me I used that to cut him off and hung up on me. I texted him,”you know you just told me I used a family members death to cut me off…”
He could never have a normal conversation with me it was either passivity or a big blow out. Now let me state last I had seen him at that point was 6 months prior which when I left I told him I didn’t want to leave him an was crying..he told me not to cry because he would be down in two weeks. A month later right after Valentines Day I was soo depressed with all that had been going on, battling legally my management to get rid of bedbugs that spread from another’s apartment, not sleeping because of it, my Dad almost dying ending up in the hospital for a month then my grandfather I didn’t have the strength to argue or question his Jekyl and Hyde…and I had been waiting soo long for him to show. VDay comes and he video chats me showing me all the cool stuff he’d been doing in his shop (this was after my grandfather passing, no apologies and I wrote off him being like this because he’s gettin off one of his mental meds)…I was tired at that point and didn’t even realize it was VDay until he asked if he could get right back to me and I saw the date on my phone. I called back later saying happy valentines and he read me an anti-VDay poem, saying how it was corporate and stupid. All this time he’s showing off what he’s doing (he’s well off, excuse after excuse why he couldn’t come down yet, when I’ve taken greyhounds and planes to see him but he refuses to and always must drive) I told him after that poem I didn’t want to speak..he asked what’s the matter which I thought would just lead to another fight, and I never understood why he seemed soo okay without me. I texted him I don’t want to speak and he texted me back,”I never want to speak to you again.” And that was it…
I thought our breakup was all my fault. After that year I took to drinking wine every night….I know that was wrong and since have stopped.
He gets ahold of me almost a year to the day of the breakup and tells me,”You hurt me more than words can say but I’m still in love with you but, you knew that.” and my heart skipped, almost exploded and on for 3 weeks of jokes, him being cute, sending me pics of his life, I love you, I’ll always be in love with you, I miss you on Christmas until New Years I sent him pics of a special place we went to holding hands at night where you could see all the city. He wrote back,”Love the pics ;-)”….then silence for 2 weeks. Also may I add I was talking with a friend who is once removed from him. An old best friend that has taken his side in things. She told me two weeks after the final text that he’s move on and has a gf. I freaked out and texted him,”I’m sick of your lies and lies by omission.” THAT is when he finally replied saying,”FUCK YOU for using semantics!! All I meant is in happy you’ve moved on because I have! And yes I’m dating a friend she’s quite nice. That I carpet bombed him with messages and that it’s NEVER going to happen!!!!”
I went into a deep deep depression after that and was sent by my psychologist a month later to a crisis center. I decided to try calling him one more time because the cognitive dissonance in my head was really messing with me. He answered and hung up then started video chatting me. I asked him why he was video chatting me now and he said because he was worried about me….
Things advanced and he told me he was no longer dating the girl because,”she used me, she was younger.” Which I think was a dig but he also told me how he always thought we’d end up like two of his friends that dated once and found eachother 10 years later.
He told me he was paranoid I might be using him a few weeks later.
I asked him later about saying he was still in love with me and he told me,”I must have meant it then.”…….
He told me how I have cycles, which I took to heart and admitted I did…and then told me,”you can only keep promises others let you keep.” This he told me right after I got into the crisis center….
Later told me,”he knows he did some stuff wrong but he’s not the kind of person to punch walls.”
After years of long distance I did admit making out with a few friends when drunk but walking away from it. I felt terrible about it and this was when he said everyone was telling him I fucked around on him. I felt terrible about it but has written it off as me walking away and nothing close to sex. That was for me and him…. and this probably is justification but I was angry. Never knowing when he’d call me back, when I’d see him next…..ect….for years of him promising it would be him and I, sleeping with my phone hoping he’d call and it being dead in the morning. He got really upset and yelled,”I could never do that to you! How would you feel?” and at that point I got upset. Years waiting, 10 year relationship, the longest he dissapeared no notice was 3 months, after lying to me and this after he said he was coming back for me. After 3 months and he popped back up I went right back to him….because of what he’d been through but we never talked indepth.
He ended up at the end of us talking after that year, yelling at me saying he was a beaten dog, I brainwashed him, the entire 10 years was shit!!!
During the last time we spoke all he talked about was his new life, his new friends, and would often cut out my opinion by trumping mine with the thoughts of one of his new friends. When I finally asked him why he didn’t tell me about the gf he said to me,”You can’t even ask me how my day is going, and you don’t let me speak!!!” Which I told him if he had anything he wanted to talk about I would always set the time aside for him the other times he interrupted me trying to actually get to our issues and I’d never get to my point which when I protested he would tell me I didn’t let HIM talk when he had no interest in what I had to say, woukd jump to conclusions before I could conclude. So this time asking why he didn’t tell me about the gf and just disappeared and replied how he did I said,”Okay, maybe what I’m feeling is from you, it’s all about you now then. I’m here to listen.” An entire month goes by and he gets weirder and weirder….after him saying he was coming down to see me, not once but twice, once before a wedding he was conducting and once after near my birthday. Of course right before that was supposed to happen he texts me,” This was an exceptionally bad idea, I’m done!! I’m off to marry Ben and Alesha!!” Ruined my birthday…and on my birthday when I finally texted him he just texted “Merry Birthday ;-).” And starts telling me how he got texts all day because it was actually his other friends birthday too….
This and soo many other things….hitting in me continually and I hate to say this here but he would say,”stuff only your vagina knows…” Other stuff….and when phone sex actually happened after a few days of hitting on me he starts giving me a lecture on empathy!!!
And like I said, my heart broke even more…screaming at me at the end I’m the reason he felt so badly about himself, all that time and only now is he getting over it!! The 10 years was shiit!!!!
It’s hard to reconcile this person with the person I was in love with and to think he orchestrated all of this…..Did he know??!! This is what he believes….after soo much time invested.
When I first met him he was there for everything and I was my best friend. He seemed to understand me, taught me to ride a motorcycle, we had such a connection I thought. But I noticed it was never equal. He ran home to his parents for anything serious…would tell me he was okay and then later say how I wasn’t there for him when that’s all I wanted.
One last thing he said to me after videochat ring me for 6 months until he bailed again,”You’re the only one I can really talk to…who understands me but..I finally realized I’m smarter than most people.”
Someone please tell me if this is narcissism. He’s always doing things for people, even after our relationship was over but we were trying or I was….I feel like he just came back to rub his new life in my face and tell me how horrible I am. Even after he told me he’d do anything for me….he dropped me again with no deep conversation ever happening. I said how I was scared to get my heart broken again…and he screamed at me,”your heart!! You broke my fucking heart!!” Nothing I said was listened to, no questions answered….and I gave him a full month without him having to answer the question about why he didn’t tell me about the gf…..because he said I don’t let him talk…No depth, mixed messages, more than I can type here. Everything he promised we’d do together he’s doing with his new group. I waited years…
i just got out of a long (7yr) off and on relationship. my gf put a restraining order on me after i broke up with her. we had past fights where i lost control, and ones where she did. i think i was the one, through my weakness..inability to ALWAYS or even MOST of the time see and/or feel her love and narcissistic influenced fears
of being alone (i might not make sense but please stick with me)
Well when i broke up with her it was cause she stayed out all night, i was having a break down, she cheated a LONG time ago and i trust she didnt again…but i was in a bad place. i was mean, said i didnt love her anymore, insulted her. she retaliated with almost the same… not too different from our normal fights which honestly were always a little bit farther apart and a good deal calmer. (they used to be BAD) there is no one like her though and i know she feels similarly about me in the sense we felt like we belonged. anyway, i regreted my words almost as soon as i said them. but i think the main culprit was my behaviors . she was very quiet i always talked, one of the hardest things for me to do less of, but trying was probably good for me…i would go on and on about an issue and she was content to not talk about them almost at all…
so as you can imagine i made her feel trapped. i guess it got to be too much for too long though i would do it in the past a whole lot more.
she took out a restraining order after my mean terrible outburst, but after sleeping there that night, with me leaving her completely alone…i have a strong feeling, because in all of our off and on agains it was ALWAYS me who ended it. the honeymoon phase was over, my love for her and what id do would grow and hers seemed to fade…every time and id have some kind of fed uppedness/brakedown and bail.
i am very convinced she was doing what she had to do to avoid that feeling of being left and also cause she felt trapped. (her:btw no father growing up and mother died when she was 9, hard to talk about for her…and i was nervous to really push too hard)
SO MY BIG QUESTION (and thanks a hell of a lot if you stayed with me!)
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I love her so much. of course absense hurts like hell but every day being with her i wanted to do ALL the things i never did in any relationship, treat her like a queen (like not just little gestures) power through her walls, though they hurt or reminded me of her understandable yet painful desire to be perpetually distant (more as time went on). and my regrets grew as i didnt just let DO those things. and it wasnt lack of love. i honestly was afraid id mess up, never was really romantic.etc…and i know i was stubborn too…
here is DISTINCTLY how my narcissism isnt like the list:
•Not obsessed with my uniqueness though thats just on faith in my religeon that says to find the middle road. otherwise id be not obsessed but very proud.
•I wouldnt say im Devious and exploitative, maybe opportunistic but not if id be tricking someone or ruining a good thing yadda yadda
•DONT Believe I should get special treatment
•I can ABSOLUTELY relate to others feelings(more) and desires(less)it is what i SEEK, what makes it all seem real and what saves me from my narcissism if anything. I love it cause i used to feel very alone and i just POOF picked up the Tao te ching and totally changed this aspect
•i probably: Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner
(but i dont feel like i do )
•NO need to have high status friends or other status symbols to impress others.
Perhaps these differences mean something to someone, with the story…im tired at this point.
IF SOMEONE WANTS TO HELP ME I WILL TRADE CUSTOM ART (ill link to my portfolio, if you ar in the market…im good, worth it :)) OR ILL PAY YOU (unless you feel kind 🙂 its just ive been to so many shrinks and similar and i feel like im totally forthcoming and they ALL say conflicting things…its really bad and has really damaged my trust of psychology…so id want to hear a little first. and i am desperate for an answer …believe it or not im not hard to deal with , especiallly at this point
CK have a look at the DSM 4 criteria for NPD. You must match 5 of 9 for a diagnosis. I would probably say you were addicted to the highs in the relationship. Read my blog entitled Are you Mistaking Intensity for Intimacy that might shed some light.
I have or had a cerebral covert narc. She is good at what she does. She basically ran away from a dysfunctional home at age 13 to join the theater. She did that for many years honing her skills. The interesting thing is the sex. She was able to stay with me for 20 years before the masked started to slip. I hate to say this but she is a dead fish in bed. I often wondered about that. Sex was very mechanical and I remember telling her to slow down so I can enjoy the moment many times. She would also tell me to hurry and just get it over with. No real interest, monogamous, which is a good thing, but no emotion at all in lovemaking. Sex became routine and basically just for me. I felt bad that I needed it so much since it was such a drag for her. I started to feel guilty about my own sexuality. See, she was abusing me. It’s basically like this. Everything that is good and better about you the narc will try to destroy. That’s it in nut shell. No pun intended.
Can the narrsist be in more than one category, type? Mine was a therapist, very into himself, his status, himself,we worked together for awhile, than he all the sudden? Really pursued me,I still don’t know why,I told he got slapped on the wrist,and its sad he said their were others, and he siad he was a predittor, he told me he would tell everyone I was crazy,I thought he wanted physical sex? But when I started to give it to him he backed away, why would he do,say,everything else but??? I am still trying to figure it, and him out? I couldn’t take his games anymore, so I told allot,he was very emotionally abusive, he is horrifying, he specializes in many areas,one of them sexual abuse victims, surprise not,at the time he was working with my son, who is autistic, and used him,and that relationship to come into my home to do home appointments, not at my request, and eventually alone,why??? He gets a paycheck for this,will he come back?? His work siad he was angry, big surprise, his last text to me was sad he talks in the third person, that always bugged me, but he siad we don’t want you to feel abandoned??? Please tell me he won’t come back, I don’t know why all the sudden I was a victim? His wife is gourgus, pretty, and smart,exactly what you would picture for him,so why me???
I’ve been gradually over the years starting to display more and more symptoms of narcissism. I believe it’s do to an increasing inferiority complex, and being treated carelessly by other more malignant narcissists, I’ve become a lot less empathetic, and it seems as though I’ve picked up some rather repugnant habbits. If this goes on unchecked I worry that I could become a total narcissists, and I want it to stop before it gets any worse. I just don’t know how.
reading this gave me a good in sight on others views on the subject of narcissism.
I am 23 and haven many narcissistic traits which i am far from being proud of. its caused my relationship to go down hill and i have been paying attention to my actions and those of my family to try and puzzle all of theses things together and to figure why i am the way i am. i have no sense of self, let me just say that reading “Trapped In The Mirror” by Elan Golomb Ph.D.
has shown me more than anything i could have asked for.
i am undertaking counceling and of course getting an over all understanding on what narcissism really is and how it effects those around you when you are a type.
what i would like to make clear is that not all narcissistic people are hopeless and there are some who want to become a better person. Im trying and for the sake of my darling lover i will keep trying… “no i am not just saying this and will do nothing about it.”
we are not all monsters.
John Joe a few N traits does not a Narcissist make. Trapped in the Mirror is about the children of Narcissists. I wonder if perhaps you are a codependent. Look also into Borderline PD. Narcissism is a spectrum disorder, so for some on the far edge there might be some hope, for others, not so much. I think it’s dangerous to feed false hope to individuals who are looking for any itty bitty reason to stay in an incredibly abusive relationship, when the best thing they could do for themselves is leave.
Regarding Nats comment. My ex narc would do the same thing (a woman) – the cuddling and being present seems to be different from standard narc traits after the honeymoon. She was a parasite. I don’t know if yours was, but perhaps it is all part of the act or perhaps it is a “need”. I think depending on the age at which there was neglect and the type of neglect can greatly influence the level of narcissism. Another factor would be the level of abandonment issues.
Very insightful, Mr. Fred… as I quote you, so as not to lose the meaning in paraphrasing you: “Regarding Nats comment. My ex narc would do the same thing (a woman) – the cuddling and being present seems to be different from standard narc traits after the honeymoon. She was a parasite. I don’t know if yours was, but perhaps it is all part of the act or perhaps it is a “need”. I think depending on the age at which there was neglect and the type of neglect can greatly influence the level of narcissism. Another factor would be the level of abandonment issues.”
The narc in my life used to be ANNOYINGLY cuddly and childlike with hugging, tickling, mimicking alot of elementary school-type behaviors… stupid, annoying stuff like spitting spit balls at my hair, giving me ‘wet willies’ in my ears, stepping on the backs of my shoes (giving me ‘flat tires’)- all that pre-teen stupidity/power plays that happens in school. I would lunge out at him to stop, after repeated pleas to stop doing it, it’s annoying, it’s childish, etc… he would say’ “I’m just flirting with you! You’re such a b*tch! Everyone else gets to do it but I do it and you hate me!” Then he would punish me in any variety of ways for making him feel just as stupid as the things he was doing. Mind you, this wasn’t a spit ball here or there– this was EVERY DAY, many, many times a day… tickling/poking me in the back, stomach, sides, until I would cramp up from the pain… putting his fingers in my face, ears, up my nose, etc to irritate me. But he was only flirting with me…. flirting!?!?!?!? That comment always made me want to scream…
BUT, yes, the type of harrassment and childish behaviors directly lines up to his early childhood being messed up severely–abandonment issues, attachment disorders, etc… it seems logical that the traits and versions vary some with the age and type of lack of bonding and/or ridicule that took place concurrent to it. Thanks for your insight…
Savannah, Thank you so much for your reply. You have been incredible insightful!
Hello. I’ve only found this site today but I have been reading over all the articles one by one and have found it to be incredibly enlightening, to say the least. Like many posters here I have recently dealt with separating myself from a toxic relationship with a narcissist. My only confusion is about the sex part. In every way the guy I was with fits the profile of a somatic narcissist. He is extremely consumed by his looks (not exaggerating, could not pass by a reflective surface without looking at himself and his phone is filled with hundreds of selfies) And all other behavioral traits fit completely. Yet I have to say the sexual intimacy was incredible and this guy would hold me all night when we slept. This is precisely that thing that kept me holding on the as long as it did. So I guess my question is; is there an exception to the mechanical sex rule, or was this guy actually not a narcissistic but simply a self observed selfish asshole ? Thank you for this wonderful website.
Nats I’ve been with Narcissists that were phenomenal lovers and I’ve been with some where I felt like I was a piece of meat. One particularly incredible Narcissistic lover said to me that he was good in bed, because he didn’t want anyone to think or say that he wasn’t. The reputation of being a great lover was very important to him. From my experience I’d say Somatics are better lovers and Cerebrals not so much but it’s not a one size fits all.
Savannah. I cannot believe how stumbling across your blog has helped me. I cannot read he articles fast enough. I’ve just parted with a Cerebral narcissist who was completely obsessed with his uniqueness/coolness/complexity. He was completely uninterested in sex saying ‘it was just the icing on the cake’ the mental confusion these people cause is second to none. And Heather go THROUGH the pain. It WILL get better. I never thought it would. BUT IT DOES!
SKILLFUL needs an amendment. It should read skillful and “willing” to help. They are masterful at taking advantage of someone’s willingness to do things for them and your “capability and availabilty” does not go unnoticed. And never expect to be paid for your time and effort. You will be “promised”, but there’s a high probability will never see a penny. (Covert narcissism). But you’ll hear every excuse under the sun.
It must seem like I’m turning this into my own personal blog, but I assure everyone that is not my intent. It’s just that I am very aware of this disorder and these thoughts are just pouring out of my life.
Some of what i posted here is from what I’ve learned on the net, but most of this is from my own personal experience.
Be advised – Narcissists are very keen at targeting those who are merciful, charitable, sensitive, kind, compassionate and SKILLFUL.
Skillful doesn’t seem to fit the list, but it’s an important part of their devious agenda. They are usually friendly to most everyone, but those with resources or abilities which they don’t have or don’t want to learn or pay for hold a special place in their wicked heart. Because one of the common traits of Narcissism is lack of responsibility, they will make a supreme effort to get someone else to do what they can’t (or won’t) without payment. Don’t be surprised if they target (befriend) a handyman, auto mechanic, plumber, electrician, someone with a truck, anyone (male of female) with resources that they envy. Once that person enters their wicked web of deceit, it’s game, set, match.
They are masters at getting someone else to do their dirty work.
Stay far away from a narcissist!
An “Extreme Narcissist” does not have a conscience. They do not care (nor will they ever) care about your pain and sorrow. They find pleasure in pouring salt into your wound. They delight in the pleasure of the pain of their victim. This is a degree of self-love that cannot be measured. It is off the chart. This something a normal person cannot wrap their mind around. Saying something like, “How can you in good conscience do this to someone?” is laughable. To them, it’s like water of the back of a duck. You’ve been used and now you need to be discarded. They go through victims like you go through a bag of potato chips.
Now here’s the antithesis – There is no one more kind than a narcissist who can get someone to agree to their terms.
Bottom line – You want no involvement with a narcissist. NONE.
Nip wrote: “To clear up any confusion. I get off means that I get off the phone with him after he’s done talking about himself.”
My suggestion: If he ever calls again, as soon as he says his first word, interrupt him and say, “Is this gonna’ take long? I don’t want to be rude, so I’ll give you 10 seconds.”
Narcissists do not take kindly to someone else’s rules, limits or boundaries.
Savannah Grey wrote: “Jojo48 – kick him out. Period. You are enabling his behavior. You’ve made it very comfortable for him to do nothing, contribute nothing. You’ve heard the saying, “necessity is the mother of invention,” you’ll be surprised what a great worker he becomes when his options are 1.get a job – keep it and pay your own rent and put food on the table or 2. Live on the street and starve. You are not helping him – I know you think you are, but you’re not. Give him a time frame tell him one month, 2 months and you need to have your own place – be firm and stick to it.”
This is more than sage advice. THIS IS A MUST. The shorter time frame, the better. DO NOT GIVE IN! i’ll tell you right now, he’ll make you feel guilty. They are experts at “blame reversal”. Ignore what he says. Have law enforcement involved. Do not get into a conversation with him. Once you’ve made the ultimatum, remove yourself. Disappear. No contact. He knows the clock is ticking.
How to play games with a Narcissist –
2. Know a Narcissist? Run the other way…as FAST as you can. This is “self love” and exploitation of others to the nth degree.
3. Their “word” means absolutely nothing.
4. If you confront a Narcissist with something they said, don’t be surprised if they say, “Did I say that?”
5. Covert Narcissists are dripping with “Charm and Charisma.” They’re likable, insidious and very dangerous. You would be wise to separate yourself and don’t think twice about your decision.
That’s enough for now.
I’m an expert on this subject.
My best freind of twenty-seven years is a narcissist. I didn’t see her often due to living in different states, but once we started seeing each other more often I was regularly bullied for my happy, go lucky life. I dumped that horror show a year ago. Of course a year ago I wouldn’t have put it that way. It was so freeing to rid myself of what I didn’t realize was a huge emotional weight. Anyway, let them go, they aren’t worth it.
I don’t if this applies. I’m trying to find out what is wrong with my brother. He’s 53 lives in my bonus room. My husband got him a job, each time they send him out he finds things wrong with the people, tells them how to do there job, what should be done, how to do it. thinks they’re all go friends and he can “bust there chops” believes they love him, ends up not working again and again and can’t see why. You can’t tell him this because your wrong. You can’t “bust his chops” he can’t take it. He’s not violent, not stuck up, he’s very heavy but points out things about everyone else. Has no friends but thinks everyone loves him. What do I do with him, he can’t live with me forever. I’m almost at the place where my kids are gone and I’m ready to be a snow bird. I can’t leave him hear my house will go to shit. I’m younger than him. My husband got hurt and is recovering, I shovel snow, do it all, my brother is no help he’ll do more not to do than to do. I don’t even what him to help because he has to do things the wrong way whatever it is he has to not to it right and make more work. He’s so lazy, his room is the size of a two car garage nothing is put away it’s all on the floor, nothing in the draws, he sleeps on the mattress no sheets. I won’t put an apt in my basement he’ll draw rats and roaches. How do I go about getting him help I can’t do this much longer. But I can’t leave him out on the street.
Jojo48 – kick him out. Period. You are enabling his behavior. You’ve made it very comfortable for him to do nothing, contribute nothing. You’ve heard the saying, “necessity is the mother of invention,” you’ll be surprised what a great worker he becomes when his options are 1.get a job – keep it and pay your own rent and put food on the table or 2. Live on the street and starve. You are not helping him – I know you think you are, but you’re not. Give him a time frame tell him one month, 2 months and you need to have your own place – be firm and stick to it.
Wow! It’s all I can say. I dated a guy for three years. We met in third grade, and he always had a huge crush on me. Something about him always bothered me. But, I couldn’t figure out what. I was a little afraid of his personality. He was very daring. He moved away after 3rd grade but would stop by my house on occasion. I would hide from him. Finally I decided, at 15 years old to date him. I was a virgin no more. It devastated me that I so easily gave into this boy. I broke up with him- humiliated at myself.
Thirty five years go by, and we meet through his nephew and my niece. (That didn’t last). I fell for him so very hard. He was popular, sure of himself, had many stories of his amazing acomplishments, ect. Way too much to go into. I thought I had it made
After all, he always “loved” me. We both were divorced and he had one son. (Exactly like him). I need not say more – he is an extrovert narcissust. When I read your definition about it, it was like you were describing him to a tee. The fact was everyone saw it but me. I clung on hoping I would live up to his expectations. I was the one chasing now. I broke up with him after three years, but not before I lost who I was. Lots of questions and tears. I’m good now, but I will always know the signs.
I just recently got out of a 1yr relationship with my boyfriend. I don’t know what kind of narc he is but I do know that when we were together, he was very draining. He was somewhat lazy, had unreliable friends, was a cheater, cause much drama and accused me of being crazy, dramatic, overly sensitive/emotional. When I would call him out on things that he had said or did he would act like he had no recollection of the events in question trying to make me believe I was going crazy or losing my mind. Since we’ve broken up he calls me and talks to me like I’m one of the guys. I just listen and play along. He has no idea that I have no plans for us getting back together. I’m only allowing him to contact me while I find another apartment where he won’t know where I am. He has asked me for sex once since the breakup and I refused and told him that I don’t have sex with a man unless we’re in a committed relationship. He haven’t asked again. At first I was hurt about how he treated me and hurt about the breakup but that only lasted for about a week. I’m more upset with myself for ignoring the red flags from the beginning. Is it strange that I have no desire to get revenge, or be bitter towards him? I pray for him and I feel sorry that ppl like him will never be able to feel true happiness. I am so excited about life and moving on. I had never heard of narcissists before meeting him. Since going through this, I a discovering things about myself that I never knew while rediscovering the positives about myself before him. Should I still be grieving or angry? Its only been over 1wk since breaking up. I feel like I deserve so much more out of life then to be crying over someone who didn’t respect me or my boundaries. I have been reading a lot of self help, relationship blogs, and spiritual materials. Also I started back going to counseling before the breakup. I’m feeling really good about myself. I won’t be getting into any relationships anytime soon due to focusing on myselfbut iI refuse to be a hermit and not have fun. He took up enough of my emotions. I’m saving the rest of my emotions for things deserving. BTW when he contacts me, I’ll answer in my terms and I give him a neutral tone. I don’t say much. I just hold the phone while he goes on about himself then when he gets quiet I get off. If he gets supply from that then so be it. I’m not negatively impacted emotionally or financially so I’m good. And if he calls while I’m busy then I ignore the call and continue enjoying my life and I don’t return his calls. I figure if its important he’ll call back sooner or later. Prayer is what’s helping me to remain strong.
To clear up any confusion. I get off means that I get off the phone with him after he’s done talking about himself.
Thank you so much for this article! I couldn’t figure out why sex was good(decent) in the beginning of the relationship but once married it was very ho-hum. I’m not one to be swung from the chandeliers but it quickly became robotic, mechanical and cold.
I was made to feel needy and my ex-husband hated to kiss! As much as I try to teach him it was always like kissing a cardboard box!
Obviously he was a cerebral narc and I’m actually glad. I’ve heard so many women talk about how difficult it was to give up that great sex. For my Xmarriage and in my case the sex was hardly missed.
Is there a such thing like a narcissist that has both inverted an overt and shows somatic but also cerebral traits in the same amount? My boyfriend is a very rare narcissist, he takes from me, but believe it or not, he also helps me. He is totally dependent on me, does everything by my side and if its cheating after a year must be online, because we live together and he goes no where without me for now. He is also jealous with me when not doing things that includes him, and anyone else that I can pay attention to, so I feel he is the one co-dependent, he likes me to be strong in some things such depending on myself financially, but emotionally I must show weakness.he shows me vulnerable but strong sides at the same time. But definitely he has almost all the traits of both narcissists.
Hi Supplier – I did write that almost all Narcissists have both somatic and cerebral traits with one being more dominant. They can, at different stages of their lives flip from one to the other. Your Narcissist sounds like an inverted Narcissist – read my blog on Understanding the Parasitic Lifestyle of the Inverted Narcissist.
Have just had my first counselling session and she suggested that my ex had narc tendencies. Of course I was shocked but having done some reading on the subject have come to the conclusion that he was. He was totally devoid of any emotion during sex – lube up, enter and that was it. No kissing, no cuddling afterwards as I have read from so many people. He said we were “friends with benefits” and they didn’t do that kind of thing. He was also so kind and caring, helped me in the garden, bought me flowers and gifts and gave the most amazing cuddles but NO kissing except for 3 times. He was good, made my knees buckle, and I was so starved for his attention that when I got it, it carried me on for weeks. He was very cruel tho and totally belittled me with his comments about my body (others thought it was OK) and even tried to come between my son and I. I kicked him out so many times, but he always came back and things would be nice for a while. Then the drinking and dak smoking would start again, and he was totally wrapped up in his own world where he was the centre of attention. It didn’t matter to him that it was a week night, I had work the next morning or my son was trying to sleep, he would play music as loud as he could and abuse me for “being no fun”. He hardly ever worked, surfed whenever there were waves, never took responsibility for paying the rent – booze and dak always came first. I is a leech and I know that this is pretty rambling and disjointed, but I am still reeling over how stupid I was not to have seen how he was and really angry with myself for not seeing how he was treating me. He always twisted things and turned it round to be my fault and NEVER apologised. I finally stopped the sex, that was when he moved on to his next victim. Again someone who had recently separated, was vulnerable and weak and he now is living with her and her two boys. He says he is helping her as she couldn’t find a suitable place to live, and she is helping him financially as she is paying 3/4 of the rent. He has told her that they shouldn’t be sleeping together as it is too soon for the boys to see that they are in a relationship (she left her husband). He sleeps in the garage while she has the house. So, he has sex on tap and someone to help him financially. Just like I did. I cant wait for my next counselling session as I have so many questions to ask. He still rings me every week (I don’t answer) and think that no contact is the only way. Trouble is they don’t ever want to loose their supply do they, I know for a fact that he is still in contact with a previous ex. All of us were the same – separated, weak, vulnerable, had children and I feel sick as I know exactly what his latest victim is going through – she thinks he loves her as he “helps” her with things and is “good” with the boys – just wait until she steps out of line – its not going to end well for them and it makes me terribly sad to know that another person is going to go through what I did. I feel like the LIFE has been sucked out of me, my soul and heart have been broken and tossed aside and I meant nothing at all to him – OTHER THAN FINANCIALLY AND SEXUALLY. Heres hoping that I never hear from him again and I have learnt my lesson.
Thank God I found this place…too distraught to say much more right now as in the middle of major traumatic battle…
long suffering wife of a narc
This is way too personal but my narc was amazing in bed – affectionate – kissing – holding each other he was insatiable and was completely unselfish – he would want it at times 5 or 6 times a day not including when he took care of himself … I was never allowed to say no – he felt he owned my body and saying no was a huge insult – he had an addiction to porn and like the comment before hot totally off to hearing about any of my previous sexual encounters – he had fantasies of watching me have sex with other men even though he was extremely jealous and possessive – I could never future that out – of course it never happened but nothing would turn him on more than the thought of sharing me with another man or men … I knew it was sick and since it was only talk I wanted to fulfill his fantasy… He always said he was addicted to me and no other woman satidsed him like I do … I wonder now where he took allthis needs too
I am left traumatized and empty cannot imagine any other man ever touching me again … I felt I belonged to him only … No what ?
I’m just now at grieving and repairing 3 years. He of course new he was leaving had his next target ready. Moved us out of state to do this. I lost my daughter BC he was more stable. Of course he left me like garbage. I’m better he kidnapped her against court orders I have all rights my visits etc…. He still has her 20 months. I found a cuzin a man he gives me what I need if its tough love, legal advice or a pair of balls. I’m going home this week finally finally I will file there for my daughter. Thing with him he’s also legally crazy makes it all even more scary. The stalking til I leave, keeping my baby til I move close again, hauled her to Michigan I got a shitty letter pay child support but they won’t register my custody or visits * how y? He uses her says I left abandoned her makes her call the new one mom. He let my son see her 2 months ago but nothing since. Its hell but I won’t give up til she’s home. I know how awful she has it. Home schooled kept out of public and I know he’s abusive scary scary. Idk if this makes sense I can’t see the keyboard through tears but I know what I’m doing and how. I’m not his victim and I will not walk away and leave my daughter to be. God help me I’m so scared
This blog is honestly going to save me a lot of time in therapy. Just wish I’d be more aware of this disorder a year ago.
So many “that is a really weird thing to say, but maybe I’m over-analyzing this” sexual moments with my ex (somatic narcissist). I’m giving myself the creeps now, remembering things that I let slide, that would never have happened in other relationships. What is standing out to me most, is the amount of times my ex would want me to tell him about my past sexual experiences with other people. He said he wanted me to describe these moments because “[he] wanted to be able to do them better than [whoever I had been with before.]” I would never tell him about past moments, because it always made me uncomfortable why he was asking, like it wasn’t about me at all, it was about him trying to outdo someone he had never met. I would repeatedly tell him that I didn’t really remember specific acts or moments, I just remembered the feelings – feeling close to that person, feeling connected (the truth). My ex never understood that. We had so many talks (or I talked) about how sex was supposed to be loving and about a connection between two people. He said he had never had that, but wanted that with me (bullshit).
Had those talks constantly throughout our relationship. The reality of our sex life was this: he claimed to never be in the mood or that he had a low sex drive (and when we did have sex, it lasted less than five minutes and he’d always say something to the effect of “good, now I can relax” when he’d finish). I always knew something else was going on – but UNTIL he got extra lazy and left an address on his IPad and I confronted him with it, he didn’t confess to looking and talking to other girls (via Twitter, dating sites, adult sex sites). He was cheating on me the entire time. He said he was addicted to needing to feel wanted. He needed to feel wanted by other girls, it was a thrill/his fix. He told me he was a bad person and he was sorry that he couldn’t be better for me. I should have left then, but I convinced him to go to therapy (fought me the whole time on it – saw 2 different therapists, and quit after seeing each under four times). He didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want (or couldn’t change). After three months of that – the promises to try, but still talking to other girls the whole time (and then saying he was doing because he didn’t believe I REALLY wanted to be with him) — I blew up for the final time, and it’s over. Not my shining moment, but among other things, I told him that he “f*#%s for feelings,” and is going to be racing to get his thrills for his entire life. He’ll never have something real, he’ll never understand what loving someone actually means.
In the last month since the break-up, I’ve weaned myself off checking his accounts and his phone tracker apps (I asked him to change the passwords, he said no – I’m sure it made him feel good that I was asking something of him, he knew it would torture me to have that information and see what he was up to). But, while I was still looking, it confirmed exactly what I knew he’d do – race, race, race to fill up the emptiness and get his fixes. Blowing through money at bars (dates), spending every night in different places (hooking up), signing up for ten other dating/sex sites that he wasn’t already on. He is desperate for the fixes. I finally can stop myself from looking, because I have no hope for him anymore. I don’t want him. There’s nothing that can be done for him, he’s just going to continue to self-destruct, and one day he will old and sincerely alone, no thrills left.
He might look like he’s doing better on the outside now (he definitely didn’t spend weeks crying in the shower, or waste any time calling his friends/parents while in the middle of a 2 PM meltdown) – but he’s not better. He is who he is – someone controlled by an addiction, and who can’t really connect with anyone. I may still feel like crap, but I know I’m moving on. And when I feel ready, I’ll start a REAL relationship with someone new. My ex is trapped in his life, but I have things to look forward to.
Yeah, I was involved with a Covert N. Women can very much be Narcissistic and be somewhat to very dangerous. I fit the stereotype perfectly: I’m somewhat good looking, successful, happy and caring – a perfect target for a Narc. I didn’t know a single thing about these people and how dangerous they can be to your psychological and emotional state until it was way to late. Crazy thing, I haven’t seen her for over 6 months but still desire her. No Contact is working but still difficult.
How did I get here you may ask. Well my therapist suggested I read up on articles on narcissist and check the internet after I was left broken by one and thinking my actions as well as reactions to the situation were all my fault.
My narcissist, a French author, is someone I had known for many years as a distant friend. It was only late in 2012 that things began to change. I asked him a question due to a book he wrote about someone I was flirting with at the time and my narcissist interest was actually peaked by the fact I had an interest in romance. I wouldn’t incidentally have classified him as a narcissist until my last session with my therapist.
Prior moving from a friend relationship into something more we had long chats on the reason I was currently single. This was before I started therapy and I knew myself how damaged I was already. Using his immeasurable charm and assuring me he was a good choice because of his overt experience with romantic matters (sexual matters is what he refers to them in his book), I allowed myself to trust him , more than I trusted anyone else before, and we commenced a relationship. This quickly slipped into an open relationship, at his suggestion convincing me that due to distance apart and the fact his main focus would be me, it would be no problem. Anyone else was just a friend with benefits. At my age and the fact I had already slipped into therapy, needing space I thought OK may this will work.
This all lasted until as my therapist put it to me the first ripple for my narcissist appeared. This ripple came in the form of a married Canadian blogger who favourably reviewed his book and commenced highlighting it across the baby boomer internet networks on the net. The attention shifted to the blogger, with him thinking out aloud with comments like “Something is cooking between me & X”or “Damn, she is married with two young children”. Needless to say he keep assuring me there was space for both of us. Saying he had plans to continue seeing me. So of course I hung on, trusting him.
Second alarm (and now I see clearly after reading more than one of your articles) was when we discussed his or my next visit together. We live in different European cities). His comment in chat, let my make this next trip to a blog event in the US, so he could also get further “grounded “ with the Canadian blogger. I could see the cracks then but every time I appear to withdraw he would build me up again and reassure I had space in his life.
The end came when we went on holidays together. For the weeks before he build me up and preened my insecure feathers with all that charm his has. He has loads. I even went so far to suggest that perhaps we should consider separate beds. He assured me no need we would surely have a nice time!! Well we the tourists had a nice time. We the lovers did not happen. He has for the four times in his life, he said gone into the “IN LOVE” mode and could only now have sex with his high profile blogger. The “naughtiness” (his words) making it more interesting in that they get together when she travels to events away from her husband and family. A highlight for them both. I imploded most nights half into the trip with feelings of neglect, being made to feel ugly and waking up crying with hysteria, shifting to the sofa to sleep. I was apologising to him for the guilt I had in marring what was supposed to have been my dream holiday.
So where am I now?
1. More broken than I was damaged from the old relationship and other issues.
2. Understanding more thanks to my therapist,
3. coping with it as I best can with the fractured emotional development I have had
4. realising why my therapist suggested I check out articles on narcissists on the net
5. Comprehending exactly what Savannah Grey has conveyed in this and the other articles I have read by her.
6. Also realising that for me it appears the narcissist not only likes to keep there “friends with benefits” close, even when the benefits bit finishes, but also that the narcissist has inbuilt radar to search out the “victims” most likely to accept there type of spin and still have them in their lives even when his attention drifts elsewhere until the next ripple occurs.
My only questions is do narcissist attract narcissists? My therapist’s assessment is that my narcissist’s blogger is also a narcissist in female form. Perhaps that is the attraction and maybe the ripples there don’t count.
Thank you Savannah Grey for the clarity of your articles. Your straightforward writing style as helped me understand what my therapist needed me to see. Narcissist come in all shapes and sizes, may not fit the classic moulds but there are indicators that can show them for what they are.
I loved reading this blog. It really clarified some questions I had.
My current Narcissist graduated from college with honors, but doesn’t use his intellect to puff himself up. However, he goes to the gym daily and would often tell me he was doing it for “me” so that “he looked good for me.” One night he sent me a photo of him at the gym doing a kissy face. The photo was time stamped 2 days prior – it obviously wasn’t taken for me.
He hangs out in large groups of very successful people. Yet, he can’t hold a job.
Sex was never about “me” or “us” but instead, always about “Him” getting off. The only time there was foreplay was the first night that we had sex. Otherwise, he just started right away. He never made sure that I was fulfilled and when he was done, he was done. He didn’t want to be touched and would jump, saying that his whole body is extremely sensitive after cuming. He’d ask for full body massages but never once offered to give me one. I would ask if he wanted to try something different and was always told, “No” and that, “I like how we do it.” I had never been with someone like this before.
He always asks how good it was. He always asks how much I love him. He asks me to tell him that we’ll “be together forever.” I’ve never had this experience prior. For some reason, I didn’t chalk it up to his insecurity.
He could be really MEAN, verbally, when he wanted to and has never ONCE apologized for anything. Often he would turn the situation around and blame me for “snooping” or not believing him. Even when I’d confronted him with proof (photos, websites, etc).
This experience has been not like any other experience I’ve ever had and I hope that my lesson is learned so I never have to do it again!
This really showed me the truth about my NARC that I didn’t want to see. My Narc was and somatic. Sex was was always about him. His one and only position was doggie style. Now thinking about it I believe he didn’t want to see me face while he was using me to masturbate. He never once wanted to please me and it made me feel so unattractive.
I truly believe that educating myself about NARCs is helping me heal. I am thankful for all the people that blog about this topic. I now have to see the truth.
One last comment tonight: My narcissist was so messed up that his personality inventory was “invalid” all three times he took it at a University Department of Human Adjustment. They asked if he was not concentrating. He, however, was proud of how unique that made him. I would just love to have heard what they decided that meant. He is now a shadow of what he once was, in a way, but it just occurred to me that he is probably in eclipse, and that is not a good thought. At least we’re now divorced.
I cannot figure out what type or sub-type my N ex was. He was VERY strange when it came to sex. Sorry that this is somewhat TMI (but it’s not written in bad taste):
*He is model-level good looking and extroverted, yet is the most insecure person I have ever met and suffers from major anxiety. He actually suffers from a low self-esteem regarding how he looks, despite being quite handsome.
*For as many sexual partners as he had (a number that kept changing and that he lied constantly about for no reason, he’s been with a LOT of women), he was pretty clueless about how to navigate a woman’s body. At age 32 he was oblivious about the clitoris.
*He had an extremely high sex drive, could do it several times a day. But the sex was never epic. It was very vanilla unless he was drunk. There was something missing about the experience that I couldn’t quite put my finger on: It always felt disconnected. There wasn’t much eye contact with him. Something about it was just not 100 percent fulfilling for me.
*I did not feel beautiful or sexy during the act as our relationship worsened. Never felt that way with other men.
*You know how GREAT crazy, make-up sex can be? I’ve had that happen in other relationships, but not with my N. We did not have crazy make-up sex, despite having many, many blowouts.
*He felt entitled to my body. Saying no to him was not an option. If I said I was tired or not in the mood, he had no compassion for that. He had no problem waking me up in the middle night for sex, despite me being in REM sleep and needing to go to work the next day.
*He was extremely selfish about oral sex. He demanded it constantly — it did not matter if I had the flu, was full from a meal or simply did not want to do it. BUT, he rarely returned the favor. He said he didn’t like doing it. He only did it when he was drunk, and he wasn’t very good at it.
*He prided himself and bragged about other “abilities,” but did not pride himself on his sexual prowess the way a somatic does.
*My N strangely had no problem being monogamous. One way that he hoarded women, however, was that he never deleted any text messages or Facebook messages from women. Ever. Some of these messages from women went back five years, well before I met him.
*During two years of living together, my N has kissed me — with tongue — only a few times. I explained to him that I love kissing and would like it if he did it more often. He could not — he blamed it on not liking his teeth, something he is very self-conscious about (but it really never bothered me and didn’t detract how he looked. The few times that we did kiss, he was horrible at it.
*He was obsessed with pornography. I get that all men watch and like it, but the frequency with which he watched it bothered me. He also had a preference for 18- or 19-year-old girls, he liked the “teen” and “barely legal” stuff, which creeped me out and made me feel like crap (I’m 35). Instead of waiting two hours for me to come home from work when he was aroused, he’d watch porn instead. It caused many fights between us and greatly affected my self-esteem.
*Here’s the strangest thing: My N was extremely affectionate and cute about it. I’ve never met a man who loved to cuddle as much as he did. He always held me very tightly. He was always touching me, seemed to genuinely enjoy being near me. We fell asleep and woke up spooning and holding hands. We had cute nicknames for each other, talked baby talk to show affection — which we both admitted we had not done in previous relationships. After a blow out, me kicking him out of the house (which I did so many times) we made up by cuddling. He’d call and just say that he wanted to hold me. When he had a bad day, had an anxiety attack or wasn’t feeling good about himself, he’d ask me to hold him and said the way I touched him made him feel better.
The last part is what I miss the most. The closeness. I think that was one of the few things about our relationship that felt good.
I only have my moments of weakness and miss him terribly when I think about our cute, cuddly times.
It has been 8 days since we broke up. 8 days of no contact so my emotions are still a bit rocky right now, but I’m staying strong because I got my life back.
Just noting a lot of similarities with NarcRepellant’s experience. I finally felt that the lack of starting with kissing (and his inability to do it well) represented his inability to connect with my mind–only wanted the sexual satisfaction for himself, though he did pride himself that he “satisfied” me–it was all totally physical, totally mechanical.
@Kathy — How was your N with cuddling/hand holding? Was he super affectionate in that way, like my N was, or no?
I am SO glad I happen to stumble upon this site! I am 26 years old and have been dating a Narcissist for almost 3 years now. I can not even begin to describe how I have related to every article (as I am sure others have as well), and how good it feels to finally have validation for the many thoughts I have had throughout the whole relationship. Even my mother told me once that he is a narcissist…such a smart lady 🙂 Thank you so much for all the articles!!
Yikes – this is so good. My husband is an overt somatic narcissist who cannot get enough attention. He is constantly cruising for attention of any kind and is openly abusive to me on every level.
But *I* sound like an inverted cerebral narcissist – like you wrote – a shy little ball of hate. I do not know if I have PTSD from all the overt abuse or if I have my own issues which center around being withdrawn and living in fantasy land. Whatever is going on – maybe I should get help for myself.
I’ve been reading on this site for awhile – thank you for all the info. And it’s written so clearly – thank you.
Missy, you definitely need to get help for yourself. I should have 20 years ago when I had been with him a brief 5 years. Congratulations on seeing the problem already, but you almost certainly need help to get out and to learn how to take care of yourself because he has crushed and abused you so badly that it will be very difficult to end up where you need to be without help. Eighteen months of therapy later, and I am divorced and now finally trust my perceptions again. I feel free. But I still must be on my guard because every now and again I think that just texting him something about our daughter or about property settlement might be OK.
wow! I have been reading your last 5 or 6 blogs.. I’m amazed.. my ex is bipolar and now I read this.. TOTALLY narcisstic! You have explained SO many things! The girls, the sex and no affections, envy, rage, abuse, special treatment, just EVERYTHING. I kept giving him the benefit of doubt.. he was abused by his father as a child, the bipolar and depression.. But he has been enabled for too long and was ruining me in the process.. I’m so amazed at this! now.. to fix me.
Have you read about the Altruistic Narcissist they can be very hard to spot as they exhibit helping people by giving to charities or mowing the neighbours lawn,all to gain recognition and supply,they can be very loving at times,but flip to cruelty.and play victim very well..thanks for all your good work,always look forward to your articles x
That’s very interesting. My ex was not in the volunteering/nonprofit sector, but he was very giving with his friends. He often bragged about how much his friends’ kids loved him. Most single men will not be OK with taking ten kids on a field trip, but he did or acted like it. That must have been a source of supply for him.
He also always offered to cook for people (he enjoyed cooking and that was thing that we bonded over, we are both foodies) but that was another thing he bragged about — how great of a chef he was. However, he has no culinary training, had to ask me what chevre was at a restaurant one day, and what he cooked was very limited — nothing but casseroles and deep friend food. He made a tuna casserole or mac and cheese something a frat boy would make, and he spoke about it as though he were the Chef de Cuisine at Per Se.
Hadn’t heard of that one, but my ex-husband is doing that now. I got in my car to go to work this morning (he still lives next door. Ugh) and the snow was cleared off the car and there was a diet coke in the cup holder….. It’s like he thinks how would I dare to complain about that. And yet I must.
Reading all of these comments has given me so much comfort. I thought I was crazy, imagining things, or that something was wrong with ME. I have finally realized my ex would be considered an Altruistic Narc. He was the dad on the field trip, cooking for everyone, and volunteering for the Sherrif’s department. Obviously he got his supply this way.
He bragged about how much $ he made and how great he does his job. Sex with him was physically satisfying (he prided himself on this), but emotionally it was horrible. No kissing, snuggling, or affection. He never complimented me or made me feel beautiful. He liked to watch porn and his Twitter account is filled with naked women. Later I found out he was going to strip clubs and texting the bartender.
The relationship was completely on his terms. He did what he wanted to do. He hated to be alone, but he was alone a lot. He had no friends which I found strange, but wrote off as his EX getting the friends. He had a “too close” relationship with his mother. He was married 14 years and going through divorce and I became his new supply when I met him. He wined and dined me, we went on trips together. I thought he was my best friend.
I found several Facebook messages to other girls on his iPad and was in shock. He twisted everything around to make it like he worked with one and the reason he went to strip clubs was so he wouldn’t know anyone.
I am a teacher, well-educated and I cannot believe I did not have enough sense to go No Contact. I would “try” , but he would always come back telling me he lived me. Our last night together I got drunk and told him ” I was done.” After several days of texting him that I was sorry and I missed him he responded to me that it was over and he wouldn’t respond to further texts. (And he didn’t.) He went to visit an ex-girlfriend 2 weeks later. Now 4 months after our break up, she is moving here with her child.
I am 46 and I have never had such a hard time coping with this relationship. I am on anti-depressants, Xanex and Ambien so I can sleep. I wish I never would have met him!
Thank you for the explanation my husband of 6 years is a somatic inverted narcissist. I left him 5 months ago after he cheated for 6 weeks & has now replaced me with her. He is shy & prefers to hidein the forrest on his machine where he works. Takes no responsibility for anything & I was running like a slave the entire relationship. Very mean, very emotionally & verbally abusive. Now that we are separated & divorcing he wants me to leave with the clothes on my back. Yeah that’s not going to happen. Thanks for the great breakdown of subtypes. Blessed healing to everyone who is recovering from this personality disordered types of partners.
“Loopy” mentions the “Altruistic Narcissist”, a subtype of N who makes a huge effort with volunteering and charities, in an effort to gain approval. I’ve definitely run into this. In many social circles, volunteer work and philanthropy is a huge source of admiration, social capital and narcissistic supply. I have several acquaintances who fit this bill, including one N who, in between bragging about his financial accomplishments, calls attention to his altruistic efforts. Looking back at my interactions with him, he clearly fits several of these characteristics. He was supposedly so concerned about social problems and loved helping others, so he said, but his behavior was that of a flashy, materialistic player type. I was relegated to a source of “backup supply” for him, and I am fine with that because I’ve avoided involvement with this guy who is clearly a toxic narcissist.
Right, he would have you leave with the clothes on your back! Well, I pulled off the clothese on my back, the house and 200 acres. (But he got the other 200 and ALL the farm machinery and misc., stuff, so he definitely got more–but I am debt free. Unfortunately, we split the farm in half and he lives on the other half and now I have to set strict limits–still.
I was married to a cerebral/semi-somatic narc for 17 years, and a somatic/semi-cerebral narc for 5 years (I guess subconsciously I decided to change things up a bit!). I can totally relate to the sexual aspect of being with a narc. Sex was indeed very strange sex. With my cerebral/semi-somatic narc, sex was good only in the beginning and eventually became very boring; he would usually keep his eyes closed the entire time and seemed to be fulfilling a “duty.” The only time sex got better was when I would threaten to leave, but with time it would go back to boring again. With my somatic/semi-cerebral narc, sex was better and more exciting, but it lacked any caring or loving feelings; it was very empty, distant and even awkward at times and as soon as our relationship grew familiar, he lost ALL interest in sex completely.
This is spot on…my ex Narc used the same exact words to me ” that they didn’t want to be thought of, as someone that couldn’t please a woman.” Like you said it lacked emotional and authentic attachment. Keep up good work!
Well then, that explains everything. ty
Here’s something I didn’t anticipate….I was so busy the last 5 months trying to protect myself (in flight or fight mode if you will) that I didn’t anticipate that when things finally settled down and I began to feel safe again, that I’d actually begin the process of grieving and having to relive the trauma I endured. I find myself crying as I think about what I went through almost 3 years ago now, baffled at how I stayed and put up with it, how I let him convince me it was okay etc. Now it is so obvious to me that what I went through was abuse and I find myself grieving for myself for what I experienced then.
I wasn’t expecting this part. I think I might be experiencing some PTSD – apparently it’s not unheard of – as a result of long-term abusive situations.
When will the fall-out end? I know it will, it’s already better than it was before, but man there are so many stages of it that I didn’t anticipate.
But then again, none of us anticipated any of this, did we?
Heather don’t try to rush yourself through the grieving process. This is happening now because you tried to distract yourself and to shove your feelings in the corner. Just sit with it and let it flow through you. Don’t try to block it just let it be what it is. It was a sad and painful time for you – give yourself permission to feel sad.
Working with an overt narcissistic bully has destroyed the peace in our office. We are all victims of her abuse, like it or not : persecution, back stabbing, boasting, condescension, sabotage…all in a day’s work. Sadly, mgt turns a blind eye.. All I can do is thanks to Savannah, raise awareness, listen to the victims, and hand out tissues. This NP has tried to get me fired as well…at least I am liked by the owner enough to have a grace period. We need legislation against serial workplace bullies who are NP who destroy people’s livelihoods.
You’ve done it again Savannah. Mine was a Somatic Narcissist (dominant)/Cerebrel (recessive). He was overt. His behaviors were: (1) Obsessed with his uniqueness; (2) EXCESSIVE ENTITLEMENT BEHAVIORS; (3) Believes that he should receive special treatment; (4) Behaves in a selfish and uncaring manner; (5) TOTALLY unable to relate to others feelings and desires; (6) Behaves in an envious or jealous manner (everything thing I change in my home, he does the exact same thing — figure); (7) Behaves in an arrogant or haughty manner (he hates all of the neighbors, complains about them incessantly).
This article is so helpful! Thanks again for your insight.