I loved my best friend. I still do. I hope that she is happy and thriving in her life. I’m not just saying that to sound evolved, or advanced in some way. I really mean it. I remember fondly the days where we would have long and deep conversations over dinner. I lived for those days. We would talk about everything from the mundane to the profound. We would share books and ideas. Our conversations were never boring and I always looked forward to them.
You have a lot of really special memories when you have a bestie. Parties, poker games, nights out, BBQ’s, road trips, there is a lot to look back on that makes me smile. We would often see two old ladies, out and about, in our travels and we would joke that that would be us some day.
You always think you could lose your husband, or your boyfriend, but never your best friend. Your best friend is supposed to be there with you through it all. They are the ones you talk to, who know you best – better than any spouse ever could. Losing mine was tough, but I knew it was something I had to do and I knew it was time.
I talk a lot in this blog about the importance of being able to relatively predict your partner’s behavior and what I mean by that is, that there should never be a time, where your partner’s behavior leaves you completely surprised and where it is so outrageous and inappropriate, that you are left seriously shocked and disturbed by it. I’m not talking about when your partner gets mad once in a while, I’m talking, ‘you don’t know what’s coming next, jaw is on the floor, wondering if you’re safe and they’re crazy,’ kind of behavior.
This was what I had come to expect from my best friend. She had a penchant for going into rages and creating drama and problems where none existed. The last straw was waking up one morning to awful messages she had written about me on social media, as well as in a private email and comments on my blog. She then started texting me relentlessly, calling me names and using profanity. I tried to get her to calm down. I told her that her behavior was inappropriate, yet that only seemed to fuel her more. I told her several times to stop and she just kept going. I was at work and she was upsetting me. She was in a rage and out of control – over nothing. Her behavior had driven me to the point where I told her I was done and I stopped responding.
A few days later, she couriered a book to me that I had loaned her with a nice note that said she would always be there for me and always love me. I took this as a sign that she had realized that she had behaved badly and this was her apology, or at least an olive branch.
These freak-out incidents didn’t happen often, but when they did they were awful. They were irrational and they always had the same outcome: Her being offended by something trivial, me thinking I’d rather have her as my friend than be right, which would then have me rushing to her side to ask for her forgiveness, followed by her atop her thrown, scolding me and her always getting to be right and never, ever having to apologize.
As I started to get emotionally healthy I had to get real about her behavior and I couldn’t ignore what was going on any longer. I knew her back story, so it was easy for me to minimize and rationalize what was going on, but the signs were obvious.
When you discover that there is a Narcissist in your life, don’t be surprised if you discover more than one hiding in plain sight. The most telling sign for me was that I felt drained after spending time with her. I always had to lift her up. She was always tired, busy, sick, or put upon…. There was always something going on in her life that was more important, or more pressing than anything in my life. I felt that our relationship wasn’t ever about me. It was always about her. Sure she would say the words at times, but I never felt any real support from her.
I also knew that she would never acknowledge her issues. She was always going to be right, even when presented with indisputable evidence to the contrary. I realized that I couldn’t continue on my path of growth and healing, while still having, what I viewed as a very dysfunctional relationship, with someone who held a front row seat in my life.
I’ve got a pretty simple rule now for dealing with people, whose behavior isn’t to my liking – I either, accept them as they are, or I leave. I don’t cajole, whine, beg, or nag anyone to change – it’s a colossal waste of time. I couldn’t accept my best friend’s behavior anymore. I was done walking on egg shells, hoping not to set her off again, so I left the friendship.
We haven’t communicated in two and a half years and in that time I’ve developed a zero tolerance policy for over-emotional, unpredictable and unstable behavior. As soon as I witness it, I’m out the door, leaving a trail of smoke in my wake. That kind of behavior doesn’t get a second chance, because if you’re capable of it once, you’re capable of it 1000 times. I’m just not interested in anyone who could act that way. To me, this type of behavior triggers my warning beacons and tells me that this person is seriously dysfunctional. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of someone else’s histrionics. There is never an appropriate excuse, or reason for someone to behave like that. Never. When you see it, it’s a warning sign that something is very wrong with this person and it shouldn’t be ignored.
As I started to make new friends I experienced just how easy it was to be with them. It didn’t feel like work and it didn’t leave me feeling drained. I didn’t have to over compliment them to make them feel better, they didn’t regale me with stories about how awful their lives were, or how much (psychosomatic) pain they were in. They were just themselves and I was just allowed to be me. I realized that if I had to put in so much effort and try so hard, to be someone’s friend, then it just wasn’t worth it.
My days of always being responsible for the moods of others were over. My need to fix the broken was over. My need to maintain the peace at my own expense was over and my days of lifting people up and feeding them my energy were over.
After I got the book back from my best friend, I sent her an email. I acknowledged her olive branch and I wasn’t quite ready to completely write her off. I told her I needed time to think and I listed my concerns about her behavior and our friendship. Less than 24 hours later I got not one, but two emails from her – long and scathing. I read the first paragraph and stopped. I didn’t need to read anymore. I knew that both emails would contain mocking and contemptuous insults and that everything was going to be all my fault. As I hit delete, I thought about how her comments parroted what many abusers say after their outrageous behavior, “Look at what you made me do.” It seemed fitting.
I was never going to win this war with her and that was okay. Friendship isn’t supposed to be a battle. I don’t need to have the last word. That day was the day I made the decision to stop trying. I wanted stillness, serenity and calm. I vowed that day, that I would never again allow another’s behavior to disturb my inner peace. Its importance is beyond measure to me. It’s what keeps me balanced and centered in life. My decisions and my actions affect that peace, so learning to control myself and my environment is what is most important in my life. Leaving someone, who is unstable and makes you feel off-balance, isn’t selfish. It’s an act of self-love. It sends a message to that person, yourself and the universe that says, “I choose to be happy. I choose joy and inner peace.”
I still think about her from time to time. I try to only think about the good times. She taught me some really valuable lessons and for that I’ll always be grateful. I know, in typical Narcissistic fashion, in her retelling of this story, I would be the villain and 100% responsible and that’s okay. Her behavior doesn’t affect my inner peace anymore.
Letting go of someone you love is never easy, but sometimes it’s necessary for our overall mental health and growth. Because of her behavior I can’t give her a front row seat in my life anymore. I still love her, but I just have to do it from afar now and I’m okay with that.
Signs Your Friendship Might Be Toxic
- You feel drained after being with them
- They on occasion act out in an extremely inappropriate and over the top manner
- Everything is always all about them
- They have substance abuse issues
- They seem superficial and disingenuous
- You often wonder if something is psychologically wrong with them
- They don’t make you feel good or empower you
- Being with them sometimes feels like work
- They bad mouth you behind your back
- They are needy
- They always need to be right
- There is no reciprocity
- You feel like you are being manipulated by them
Your Comments!!!!!!!
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I had to let go of a good friendship almost a year ago. We’veknown each other more than 20 years but I began to know her much better when she moved up to the area I’d moved to.
As I began to know her more I began to see some “quirks” but tried to also be understanding. I’m a pretty empathic type and worked in the health field (ER and mental health) so I’m pretty open minded to lots of different behaviors. We had a couple of blow ups over things that were not worthy of such drama …Trying to explain was NEVER ENOUGH..It was always MY FAULT…The first time we didn’t speak for 3 months but eventually I made the effort(she would NEVER) because we have certain interests in common and she’s an interesting person. But sadly the last straw came last year….It happened on Christmas…over NOTHING worthy of such drama and irritation….and for some reason it just hit…I couldn’t do it anymore. It’s wasn’t hysteria but constant whining and being bitchy and disagreeable for an hour…on Christmas…There’s more to it but ..I realized …I couldn’t do it again.I felt completely worn out when she left and burst into tears..
Though I’m sorry we can’t be friends I only hope the best for her….but I am certain…that I couldn’t go through another drama …and never get any apology. It was always “MY FAULT” but I wrote to her, and clearly stated TRUTH…and she will have to own it…It’s sad but sometimes you have to take care of yourself…and respect yourself.
Once I went NC with the x-N, I started re-evaluating my friendships. One is a friend of 22 years that I am always upset with. She listens to respond, not understand. She finishes people’s sentences for them…to the point that I now tell her “no. If you’d let me finish, you’d know what I was going to say.” If we go shopping, she takes my things out of the cart and arranges them on the belt for me (sometimes in the cart). She screamed at me one day in a box store when I wanted to lift the big item I was buying for myself. She stood there in the aisle screaming “why can’t you let me do anything for myself!?” But I was buying the item for ME! Then she had a tantrum, grabbed the big box, dropped it and put it on the cart. I picked it up and replaced it with an undropped box. She blamed it all on menopause. I told her at that time to go see a doc or I wouldn’t be speaking with her again. I don’t trust her not to go off again, though.
I feel obligated to keep trying after 22 years…but I’m not sure why.
I’ve been going back and reading your columns over the last two weeks. I’ve learned so much. I’ve shared this sight with my therapist because it mirrors much of what she has been helping me with in my relationships. I have married three women, all narcissists, my second also an alcoholic. But the shock of this column is that i now see that my son is one as well. Its is all i can do to not feel responsible. though I know I am not. I’m doing all I can to look realistically at the situation. In part my total responsibility comes from my dysfuntion that lead me into a relationship with his mother . As I read the definitions of the narcissist here it is him. This thought makes me very sad.
Reading this article stirred up some strong emotions in me, Within the last 2 years I have lost my two best friends, and in retrospect I can see how I displayed some of the mentioned behaviors and actions listed in the article, but, never to the point of a rage or even talking badly behind their backs. A little back story on me is that I am an only child and grew up as daddys little girl. It was always about me, even when I didn’t want it to be. So clearly when it came to my friendships and relationships it was always been about me because I did’t know any better.. I was a psych major and am currently a social worker so its pretty much my job to make it NOT about me. But I am me and there are aspects of my personality that I will never be aware of , or are never going to change, or people try to make me aware of that I just cant see. I am also a very self-reflective person who wears my emotions on my sleeve and I can be very empathic to others but this was something I had to work at (at first). And I don’t think that it was me being unempathic, I think I was just born and raised to think of myself first and that others thought of me first too. I am also an over analyzer so when I read this article I was offended because so many of the behaviors described, are descriptions of myself. For example, I am totally needy probably due to being babied all my life, I am dramatic and when I have conversations with others I talk a mile a minute, talk with my hands and everything is a “big to do”, I often interrupt people like annoyingly (which I am trying to work on), which then makes it seem like what I have to say is more important, I always feel the need to be right but that’s because for the most part during conversations about certain topics I happen to know a lot about and the other person does not I know I am right. BUT, I am able to admit when I am unsure about something or have no clue whats going on (drama), and will not insist on being right in those situations.Since I played alone as a child and would be shy, I have always felt socially awkward, also growing up first generation Indian, my parents were not accustomed to the normal social behaviors of a teenager in the US, so often feel awkward in certain situations which can be viewed as me being superficial, disingenuous, or uncaring. I must admit there are people that currently think and wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with me, this is probably due to what I call my “passion” for things. Like fighting for the underdog, fighting for human rights, and marginalized populations but sometimes my emotions get the better of me. Many people often say after talking with me they feel drained, which I attributed to my enthusiastic, knowledge filled, dramatic, emotional conversations. Id also have to say that one of my major defence mechanisms when I’m feeling vulnerable is to smile a lot, smirk or laugh which for people that don’t know me they must think I’m the most uncaring self-centered narcissist there is. But Id have to disagree. So I guess the point of this comment (I often think outloud to come to my own conclusions when I start off a conversations (or comment) purely on emotion but when typing my thought process is slowed to sound more logical except with many run on sentences, but the point of this comment is to ask where is the line drawn between being just a girl who grew up with it being all about her to being a narcissist?
And to relate this to losing my two best friends, Anna, just stopped talking to me out of nowhere,. she was having a relationship with a guy we both knew who had been in a relationship with his girlfriend for 2 years and she convinced herself that she deserved to be with him and not his girlfriend of 2 years. I never judged her, not once but I did call her out on some stuff and it was difficult to hear her getting hurt by him over and over, so I would vent to my boyfriend of my frustrations with that, and one day while we were all out together she was complaining about him, and my bf sort of became impatient with what she was saying and said something like “arugg you just contradicted yourself Xxxx, God I have to hear it from (ME) all the time”. There was an awkward silence after but I mean It was true. Then we texted a few times days later then she just stopped responding or contacting me. I would send her message after message asking what I did, that I was sorry about that situation and that I didn’t judge her, finally I said one last thing and it was if she had any respect for me she would at least give me some kind of reason no matter how short, and still no response. My 2nd friendship was one that iv had for much longer, the one who I thought would be in my life forever. She has 2 kids and is married, but we had been friends since her first child was 6 months old, he is now 12. We could go months without talking then pick right up where we left off. Well this was about 6 months after Xxxx had stopped talking to me, so Xxxxxxx had heard all about it. I would listen to her issues she was having with her husband and she would listen to my issues with my BF. I began to notice that she would only call me back when she was asking for money that I would borrow from her, like $5 to $15 at most but she wouldn’t return any of my calls and the only time she did was to ask for the money I owed her, which wasn’t even late, she was asking for it because her and her husband would argue and he would leave for a few days and stay at a friends and leave her with their 2 year old and little funds. And when I “borrowed” money it was more like we threw in on a pizza or beers but I was short and told her Id pay her back when I got the cash, so I finally just said that to her, told her how I felt, then she turned it on me saying how all she does is listen to my problems so I brought up the recent times (and could have brought up more) where the conversations were totally focused on her issues. So I end up paying her back and it was radio silence for months. I made a few attempts to call her and make plans and she would always say she would call me back and never did. Finally one day out of nowhere, she calls and asks if Id go out with her that night. I told her I couldn’t because I had an assignment due for class due at midnight that night, and it was 6pm at the time she called. She kept begging and begging and I was feeling bad having to say no especially since we hadn’t talked for so long and she wanted to spend time with me, but then after a couple of hrs of her begging me she says that she really wanted me to come with her because she was meeting a guy from the gym (her and her husband were separated) and she didn’t want to go by herself. Now if this was any other day I may have gone (if I didn’t have that assignment due) but since it had been months like over 6 months since we hung out and I had gone thru some pretty negative situations (and not once did I even mention that to her because I didn’t want to make it all about me) she wanted me to be a 3rd wheel and got mad when I really couldn’t go. The phone call ended with her saying “fine bye Ill call you later”. I had made a few attempts to hang out with her after that and she just never called me back (Best friend #2 gone). I kept thinking that maybe I was too hard on her when I said that she was only calling me back when she was asking for money that I owned but then I thought that I should also be able to tell her how I feel. So again I am confused. I am not sure if my behavior was perceived negatively or if I was genuinely acting mean or neglectful to them. I mean I had a history with both of them, with Amanda much longer than Anna but they were both there for me during my most lowest part of my life years ago, so I thought we would make it to the end. I guess I’m feeling more hurt about it all and now it will be 2 years in January that I have not talked with Xxxx and a little over a year that Xxxxxx and I spoke. I mean Iv ran into Xxxx at school once as I was entering the elevator and she was leaving it, and my tone was of happy surprise and hers was of “oh no its her”. SO I knew then that there was no salvaging that friendship despite not getting any kind of feedback, but I thought that Amanda and I had a chance. I have not called her in a while and when I left messages she never returned my calls. So I guess I had two points to this comment, one being to find out where the line is drawn between being self-centered and narcissistic and the 2nd (a question you may not ben able to answer but could provide some insight) why my best friends stopped being my best friends?
Thank you for sharing your blog. I too am done. Done with caring. Done with mentoring. Done with guiding. Done with being lied to. Done with being used. Just done. Two months ago on September 4th, I saw a different person. The person who was my best friend and love of my life had died and this new person was in his place. I still tried. But had enough. As of today, this friend had passed away. I do not know the person I once had a bond with.
Thank you Savannah for your reply! You are right not to break the “no-contact” because I did. I sent her a nice message but maybe a hour later I found out the truth about Friday night! Things did not sit well with me. The quote “If words don’t add up, it’s usually because the truth wasn’t included in the equation”. Things were not adding up for me and I listened to my gut! My husband and I did some investigating on the internet and found her mug shot from Friday night. She was arrested!!! That finally cut the last string for me! How could she play with my and my friend’s emotions like that? To stoop that low and say she was beaten and raped on Friday night? I know the answer, with out a doubt. I felt so many emotions after discovering the truth, but the most important one was that I felt free! I felt like a balloon that was let go and floating up in the sky leaving everything behind. Looking up to the open sky and seeing all the possibilities ahead. This was the universe’s last message to send me. I heard this one loud and clear. I’m done with her and that’s the first time I’ve said and meant it.
I need your advice!!I’ve loved reading your articles the past week. Only 2 weeks ago, I realized my BFF was a narcissist. Known her for 2 years. Everything you wrote about in your different blogs-I’ve experienced in our relationship-from being loved-bombed at the beginning through all the lying and inconsistences throughout. I understand we all lies, but these lies were different. I’ve experienced the narcissistic rage, silent treatments, gaslighting, pretty much everything that you wrote about. I knew she had problems in her life, in her marriage and in her family. I thought I could help her. We joked how we were so opposite, but yet we are golden together. She’s outgoing, I’m an introvert. She’s spontaneous, I’m a planner. She loves attention, I prefer to blend in the crowd. The list can go on and on, but the most important difference is that I exhibit a lot of empathy, where as (and she admits it) has a very hard time expressing empathy. We are your textbook examples of a narcissistic and an empath relationship. There were no boundaries, there were signs, and I ignored my gut feeling a lot. Things sometimes didn’t seem right. I ignored all the signs the universe was sending to me until is sent a huge message this summer. I’m on the path of healing. Re-connecting with my inner-self. Started a gratitude journal this morning! I’ve had no-contact this passed week with my Narc. I found out this afternoon thru a mutual friend that she was raped and beaten last night. I was very skeptical about it, but was able to confirm this with another friend. Here’s my dilemma: Do I send her a message saying- “sending good vibes” or not? You need to know as well that she lives 8 houses down the street (her family moved here a little over a year ago), our sons play together, and we have the same circle of friends. So our lives are connected in ways. I do feel that the universe is sending both of us a message (tho I’m not sure she will hear it, but I do! I could have easily been with her last night).
Thank you so much for your blogs! They have given me insight on a narcissist and myself. These have been important tools I’ve used to start my healing process.
Allie- needs advice: No-no-no-no and no – do not break no contact for any reason. Send her good vibes and a silent prayer, but do not communicate with her.
Luckily, it was always me making the contact, worried about my dear old friend.
But the last time, she snapped on me. This was the first and last time my ‘best friend’ of twenty years will ever treat me that way. And, I endured her abuse for seven hours just to make sure I wasn’t gaslighting myself even through my thick psi shield that caused her to pause several times, look deeply into my eyes and say “I cannot tell how you are feeling.” I am glad to discover this is exactly the feeling a narcissist doesn’t want to feel. At any rate, I’d try to leave in an amicable manner or take her hints it was time to leave, only to find myself made to stay with a passive aggressive maneuver I would be horribly in polite to turn down, and finally the universe stepped in and gave me my wish. A peaceful and happy “Good-bye” on my part as she rushed off, alone, to take her choking dog to the vet. Indeed, I wonder how long she would have tried to break through my thick psi wall, and I’m glad the universe stepped in as I was beginning to play her personality disorder against her just because it was so fun. That admission actually horrifies me. It was too easy and too satisfying for me to play me significantly less intelligent but horribly narcissistic friend against herself. Karma got me back, though. I, also, had to make a trip to the vet with my pet. So, I’m back to the realization, karma will take care of things, and the little bit I allowed myself to play with the games a narcissist lobed at me was not allowed. So, I’m done checking in with that frenemy. I wonder how she pulled off her double life with me for twenty years? Is the reason she attacked because someone she did actually seem attached to dump her after 20 years? Or is it because she has allowed herself to be courted and seduced into being ‘the other woman?’ I’m done now. I did prove to myself over and over she has no empathy, indeed, she seems to think of me not as a people (her words) but as her.
One more hint dealing with the narcissists? Don’t bother with self-deprecating humor. Holy cow. My frenemy became livid when I did that, and so did my MIL. I wish I could dump my MIL, too.
It has been 2 1/2 years since my narcissistic friend called me, just hours after my brother died, to express her disappointment that I hadn’t called to tell her of his death. As I was trying to explain that I hadn’t called anyone yet, she hung up on me! Someone, who was in the room with her, said that she began to sob, and said that I wouldn’t talk to her. I was so upset that I called her employer, and threatened to have her fired. She has turned everyone at her workplace against me with her lies. I did not follow through on my threat, but I have not been able to get beyond this, which is why I am still seeking answers.I feel now that my suspicions about her have been confirmed, and I believe that I can now move beyond this. I am so grateful for having found this website, and thank God for all of you who have shared your experiences.
I feel like we adopt traits of the narcissist in order to be fully healthy ourselves I guess the difference is in the application of these traits, and the motivations behind them. For instance: Suddenly discarding people from my life when I observe their disregard for me as a person, my worth, my value. Well, narcissists discard on a dime, but to DEvalue others, STRIP the dignity of others and to demean them, and then delight in their pain. Well, I delight in my ability to spot a narcissist and while it’s true that I get a little delight from starving them of attention and the “real” me, I do it to protect myself from their mean spirited manipulation. So, I, too, am wearing a mask with a narcissist in order to protect my vulnerability. Any thoughts? Adopting the mind of the predator is, in my opinion, a vital and necessary component to good self esteem.
Thanks again for another great blog Savannah, your blogs are the highlight of my Monday’s.
This weeks subject couldn’t have been more appropriate for me. I have always found personal relations difficult, my biggest problem is that I invest all my energy and effort into one person (aka hostage) and struggle exploring other friendships out of fear this will annoy upset my No. 1 friend. This is not fair on myself my friend and also incredibly unhealthy.
I have/had a best friend that will on occasion speak to me and treat me in a way that is not acceptable. I also have a lot of fun with this friend. I have been questioning this friendship for quite sometime as her actions can leave me not feeling not very good. Things came to ahead just a couple of days ago when she verbally attacked me for picking up a another friend from the airport. So the time has come to let this friend go with love and continue to work on myself. I am angry as my self for putting up with this behaviour and scared of the whole that is going to be left in my life. I absolutely know it is the right thing to do as regardless of how much fun she is, she can also be very nasty, not attributes I want in a friend. It’s funny I had another friend say to me have you ever wondered about how many people you are shutting out of your life because of your friendship with this girl (she has a reputation for being rude). One door closes and another opens.
@Free — I went through this too and had to get rid of two friends, one who was very long-term and the other was my best friend in my new city.
Honestly, things sucked at first when I ended the friendships. I felt lonely at times. I missed them. They resisted fiercely and sought me out, trying to talk things out and save the friendship (that way they could continue abusing me).
But you know what? These feelings passed. And I was surprised by how quickly they passed.
Ever since I pushed them out of my life, a number of amazing, positive, supportive and successful people have come into my life since then. My life has gotten so much better without them in it.
Yep. I totally relate to the zero tolerance policy for the histrionics of others. I just cut someone out of my life 3 weeks ago. She and I work together, and she’s certainly a narcissist without a doubt. She perceived a tone that simply did NOT exist in something insignificant I had said a few weeks back and tried to shame me and criticize me personally in what felt like a psychological ambush in front of a new employee. It was strange to say the least. As I sat there, recipient of her unwarranted bullshit, I considered psychologically shredding her to teach her a lesson. Instead, I calmly said “Whatever this ‘thing’ is you’re doing is yours, and I have no interest in feeding your histrionics.” I’m nutshelling this for time’s sake. I was really bothered by how she behaved towards me for almost two days. I refrained from my urge to text her a piece of my mind, but then it dawned on me. That’s precisely what she WANTED. Instead of feeding the narcissist, I decided to starve the narcissist of ALL attention. I decided in my heart and mind that I was DONE with this person and that the ONLY things we would discuss would be work related. No more personal or playful interaction. And, you know what? It was the BEST thing I could have done for myself. This wasn’t the first time, btw. She’s got the whole “mother issue” and dysfunction there, but it’s not mine. It’s hers to contain and figure out like the rest of us have had to. I’m damn sick and tired of people projecting their bullshit onto others instead of learning how to contain it. I am NOT available to be the recipient of what is nothing short of manipulative narcissistic abuse. From anyone. This chick is gorgeous on the outside, but a mean little spirit on the inside and I was a friend to her when she was down and out, but you know what? I spotted the pattern of behavior with her. This wasn’t the first time she had pulled this stuff. Sorry, I’m rambling. I relate to all of this, as usual. I felt so proud to be able to cut her off the way I did. It wasn’t necessary for me to give her a piece of my mind, or humiliate her. I just closed the entrance that once existed for the prospect of friendship. I don’t want friends like that. After going through the hell of narcissistic abuse, and finally recovering, I’ve become VERY selective about who I allow in my space and they can kiss my ass if they don’t like it. As you pointed out, it’s so EASY to be friends with people who don’t manipulate. Those are the friends I want.
I think it’s easy to get into abusive relationships when we are disconnected from our true self, our worth, our emotions and therefore don’t have an emotional connection to boundaries. We can then be manipulated because we are not sure of what is right or wrong for us- we don’t know our limits or we don’t feel justified in asserting them. I grew up with a distant, uninvolved father and a rescuing mother. I received two messages: you aren’t loved/good enough as you are and you can’t get your needs met from yourself- you need rescuing, help, validation from the outside. I was nurtured in the victim position- not enough, needing help. As a result, my self esteem was not nurtured, was stunted and was dependent on the outside when it should have had, at this point, a general foundation to build upon. When faced with real challenges in my early years in school, without this solid foundation of internal worth and strength, I sought protection and validation from others who often turned out to be abusive and controlling. I was able to get away from abusive narc type relationships in my 20s but up until recently (40s) I still have a few friends who are not malicious but manipulative. I thought I could maintain these friendships but have realized that while they are generally easy and peaceful, there is always something that eventually happens that is disrespectful towards me. Essentially, when these friends begin to struggle with something, instead of dealing with it directly or internally they take it out on me: either subtly criticizing/victimizing or provoking so I will rescue, soothe and give in to their needs and preferences which are usually not in my best interest. I don’t tolerate manipulation anymore so I confront the issue directly and am met with denial or I ignore it/don’t rescue or react and get the cold shoulder/passive punishment which makes me uncomfortable and irritated. I’ve had to step away completely from these friendships but it was hard because they weren’t, in my experience, as obviously bad as others, these women do have empathy and compassion- just a lot of dysfunctional behaviors from early childhood that they need to heal in therapy. Perhaps they will change and heal and I wish them this and healthy relationships in the future but it won’t be with me- our timing is off and there are many other fish in the sea. What I’ve learned here is this: Even if the mistreatment I am experiencing is subtle or would not be offensive to everyone, if it makes ME consistently unhappy and uncomfortable, I get to decide to end the relationship and I don’t need to explain myself or be understood. As a child, I did not KNOW I deserved this, did not trust my feelings and assessment of the situation and was afraid of external loss of support because I lacked internal support. Also, I felt guilty leaving someone because I knew how painful it would be for someone to leave me. When we love ourselves, trust our feelings, own our own and know others are much better off owning their own without our help and sacrifice we can fully take care of ourselves and treat others with kindness and respect. We never, even in small ways, harm ourselves by violating our integrity and boundaries in the process. As a final note: manipulation/indirectness and the denial that comes with it, besides abuse, is my biggest red flag deal breaker for any relationship. It is the tip of a massive, dysfunctional iceberg.
This perfectly describes my only daughter. I am cut off from my only grandchild as a result of her anger, because I finally stood up for myself.
Thank you thank you thank you for posting on this subject!!!
I have had several toxic friendships and after leaving my Narcissist I’ve been more keen and aware of all my relationships – romantic, family or friendship – and have cleaned up to make sure that I surround myself with the right healthy people.
Interestingly enough, a very good friend of mine pointed out that my ex could be a narcissist. I explored what it meant to be with a Narcissist and it really was mind blowing and I was very thankful of my friend for pointing me in that direction; before then, I was blaming myself a lot for the things my exN did or made me feel responsible for. She (my friend) couldn’t stand him from the beginning, and after I had been emotionally and verbally abused by my exN she declared what an a-hole he is.
After some time, I found out that the same friend was still associating with my exN! She stays in the same art circles as him and promotes and participates in his shows….all behind my back (to a certain degree). While I understand some people stay friends with another’s ex after the breakup, there was absolutely no reason for her to still associate with him if she supported me and my reasons to cut him loose. I could understand they have to associate due to working together or having the same close friendship circles, but neither of those apply; she couldn’t even stand his artwork nor his contemporaries, so that’s why I had concluded that she’s only still associating with him just to make contacts in his other art circles and to get ahead to promote her work.
But seriously, as a friend, I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with a person who hurt and abused one of my close friends. And her actions made me wonder if I was overreacting. I chose to just step back from my friend – now former friend – but I didn’t confront her about the situation, nor did I need to at all. Her actions proved who she is, especially since she was never forced to associate with him in any other manner.
As Maya Angelou said, people will show you who they are. When I saw the real version of my former friend, I didn’t need any explanation from her, especially since I already knew that she would dance around the subject and/or point fingers back at me by insinuating that I was making a bigger deal out of nothing. She has manipulated situations before (instead of being real with everyone including herself) and created reasons why she is justified in doing certain questionable things to other people; I just didn’t realize she would also try doing those questionable things to me as well. Confronting her verbally about it would only waste my time when I already knew the answer — she IS who she is and she’s never going to change.
It just sucks because it was at a time I really needed friends to support me when I felt I was losing those friends to my Narcissist (and his claims of being the victim in our breakup). But the lesson also was that these friends are not my friends if they are going to stab me in the back. That saying, “It’s better to be alone than to be unhappy with some else”, also applies to friendships.
Savannah, I always appreciate your deep and thoughtful columns but this one was particularly strong. Two and a half years ago I had an identical experience with my former best friend of 25 years. I, too, still think about her and wish her joy in her life, but I am also unwilling to subject myself to another of her “snaps.” I survived three – that was one too many. It’s very affirming to know I’m not the only person who’s struggling with this duality of love and fear. Thank you for your wonderful work.
This post couldn’t have come at a better time. I am mourning the end of a friendship that I held dear. She’s the one who dumped me though, she pulled away, shunned me, distanced herself because I did not put her on a pedestal anymore. I was tired of the putdowns, the insults, the snide remarks and yes the outbursts…oh the outbursts. It was all about her. No empathy from her end. None. She gaslighted me at work, and smeared my rep. I could no longer deal with someone who revelled in disrespected me so much. But, according to her, I am the monster! I am now mourning the death an impostor I thought was a friend. So I have to let her go for my own well-being. It was a big mess! But, I am better off in the long run. She will feed off on someone else who will put up with her inflated ego. I have to move on. the scars will heal in time.
Thank u Savanah for that piece. It helped me to put things in My into a clear prospective.
I heard a great quote once that captures what your friend is like: “Dysfunctional people do something wrong, then wait around for you to apologize for it.” I’ve had friends like that, a good number of them. And in trying to figure out what to do I have often had an internal tug of war, between loyalty and guilt, on the one hand, and that nagging internal sense that something is wrong and I want out of this, on the other. For many years loyalty and guilt would usually win out. Even if I did take action, or let the friendship wither due to inaction (which was usually my style, being someone constitutionally opposed to conflict), I later felt guilt.
But I have come to see that all this guilt and this sense of loyalty is misplaced. It was actually a product of my alcoholic family upbringing, where the rules were (1) “never tell the inside story to outsiders,” (2) “you are lucky to have any family (or friends), don’t rock the boat” (the shame rule — I deserved the bad treatment I got), and (3) “good people stay the course no matter what crap they get.” These are old rules that are ingrained in me but they don’t work any more.
Now I, like you Savannah, have a much simpler rule. It is radical; it is simple but not easy for me to apply consistently. It is just this: “Is this good for me? Does it feel right?” If the answer is no, I am out. And I deal with the inevitable internal pushback (“Who are you to reject a friend? What right do you have to put up a boundary? Who do you think you are?”) by addressing it directly with positive affirmations and clear counter-messages. As a result I am no longer a prisoner of false loyalties, or old, outmoded rules.
You are right to concentrate on friendships as well as our special love relationship. My time with the narcissist was a symptom of a larger set of issues around shame and what I deserve. In the end we all get more or less the treatment we feel we deserve from the world. Now I demand more. Lo and behold, I am getting more. From friends, from people at work, and eventually, in that special relationship. There is hope and there is healing — and your blog is right at the center of it! Thanks as always.
HC
@Cowboy — I also had a couple of friends in my life who were Narcs (and I was able to identify them as such once I got healthy). One friend, a long-time college friend, sounds very much like the former bestie that Savannah described in today’s post. The other was a friend that I met when I first moved to a new city and didn’t really know anyone. She was not nearly as toxic, but I always felt drained after talking to her and she had a lot of drama in her life that started to affect my life.
Even though both friendships made me feel bad at times and put me in an emotional place that I knew was wrong, a part of the reason why I maintained the friendships was because of guilt and this sense that I “owed” them something. And in my mind, why I “owed” them my time and loyalty is because both friends had genuinely helped me and come to my rescue a few times. “She did this for me, so I can’t end the friendship” is what I thought and how I felt. But what they did for me weren’t gargantuan things — they didn’t literally save my life or do anything that heroic — I know now they did normal things that friends do to help each other. But I felt indebted to them for it.
That root feeling all boils down to believing that I didn’t deserve help, assistance, or anyone else’s time or interest in me and my life because of childhood issues, too. Thanks to having a Narc mother (the root of all my issues, really) who was extremely indifferent to my existence and basic childhood needs fueled these feelings.
But once I let them go, oh man did they resist. Fiercely. They resisted because their emotional punching bag was gone.
I’ll never forget how good it felt when I finally stopped talking to the both of them. How much better I felt. How much more calm, Zen and serene I was.
Hi Savannah
Thank you for another great article , Like you now that I am one year into my healing II have noticed a few more toxic energy draining all about me people in my life and I have as you perfectly said – removed them from the front row. Had this new clarity come years ago I would have saved myself from so much pain but I wouldn’t have this new set of eyes ,boundaries or appreciation for a drama free life filled with simple caring kind unselfish people.
I cannot tell you how your articles saved my life this last 13 months , you were the first resource I found that perfectly described the nightmare I was drowning in and with each article my strength and resolve to heal became stronger and stronger. Your articles became my bible and are so precious to me. I will always be in your debt for not only did you save me but also my girls who were casualties of his abuse. As mommy got healthy and found herself so have they.
I hope you know how many people you have been a champion for and I pray God blesses you with all the happiness in the world.
Jennifer
Agree with Jennifer. Mommy is now a peaceful and happy person; what a difference from the past!
I have a friend from college who could at times be nasty to me, talk down to me on occasion and make everything about her. I find I can’t even discuss my line of work with her b/c she’ll say something like, “Well I could never do that!” in a very defensive manner (not a supportive one, i.e., –“good for you, I could never do that!”)
Never sent me scathing emails though. It was more just passive aggression and a condescending tone, which never sits well with me.
Honestly though, I’ve had more problems with male friends than female. With my female friends I’m pretty laid back but when I had to part ways with my long term narc male ‘friend’ I had another male friend lecture me endlessly which would anger me and thus would throw me into a rage of defense (I was also very distraught at the time over discovering the web of lies my narc ‘friend’ told me).
My other male friend didn’t seem to get how much these betrayals hurt me. No one really did, actually. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon this site and others that deal with narcs where I found people who could identify with the level of pain narcs cause and how it is so much worse than just merely ‘drifting apart’.
When I did uncover the lies about my narc ‘friend’ after crying for months I finally did rage in some emails, which I am not proud of, but it wasn’t easy learning our entire friendship had been a fraud and that he’d just been using me and never once been fully honest with me during the entire friendship.
I’ve said this before, but losing what I thought was a friendship was harder than breaking up with boyfriends.
“I don’t need to have the last word.” When I finally realized that it freed me to leave my husband. And, “inner peace” is what I got when I got away. I never want to put myself in a situation to compromise that. Thanks for the post.
No one who is inexperienced with narcissism understands this.
Thank you for your page.
I am done with my narcissistic spouse…and have now realized my daughter is also narcissistic! So what do I do? I am so heartsick but exhausted with her anger, rages and selfishness. She has two sons that I love dearly that she withholds to punish me for “my wrongs”. She has become OCD and has created this in them too. She never drank before and criticized her monther-in-law for staying drunk on wine and now she drinks wine herself nightly. Her husband is an attorney and I don’t know if it is possible that he is narcissist too, but I feel he is as bad as she is, if not worse. I don’t know where “my daughter” went…I miss her and the fun we used to have. I am so confused and devastated by the changes over the past few years. I am a good mom and grandmother who has always been there for my kids, but have never imposed myself on them or disrespected their privacy. My mother is also a narcissist and our relationship has been all but non-existent for the past fifteen years or more. I like you, realize how draining these people are, but how do I walk away from my own child…which means walking away from my grandsons too! I need advice if any one has any…I’m heartbroken and exhausted. Seems there is always a storm, or one brewing. I so wanted peace from the drama after the divorce, but she has picked up where he left off… Savannah, thanks so much for you blog!It has helped me immensely since my divorce three years ago! I have shared it with so many. You are the best to devote your time to helping those of us lost in the storm. Sadly, folks who have never had a relationship with one of these people just don’t get it, which makes your blog so helpful to those of us who need this type of support! Blessings to you and all those who have walked or are walking this walk with someone they love. So, so hard…
My ex best friend was the person who first told me she believed my husband was verbally abusive, and she was right. I realise now that she recognised what he was doing, and was able to explain it to me so well well, because she was verbally abusive herself. This I did not really see for many years – But my husband did, and would always warn me about her behaviour and motives,lol. They understood each other because they were so similar. I now believe they are both narcissists.
We were best friends for 20 years, and like you, we would joke about being old together. We knew each other better than anyone else in the world, even our spouses. Looking back, it was probably too intense.
I moved country a few years ago and she became friends with someone else that she idealised – she is very ambitious. From then on she changed. She treated me very badly, and never took any responsibility for her bad behaviour and always made things my fault. She has said stuff to me in the past that totally put me down – all of which, at the time, I overlooked and never commented on – because I didn’t want to upset her,lol.
Anyway, her treatment of me after making this new friend got worse and worse. I tried to talk about the stuff that was happening ( I had finally found my voice), but everytime she would never take any responsibility or apologise. In the end I realised she was communicating just like my husband!! I knew it would never change and I knew it was toxic. So I decided to end the friendship, this was not easy because she wanted to know ‘why’. I knew I could not go down the ‘why’ road with her because she would explain everything away in her word salad way, and I would be sucked back into her Web. It has been two years now, during which I have also left my husband. I am getting healthy!! Like you said, I can no longer tolerate these kind of relationships, and the second I pick up on this kind of behaviour, i am out the door.
She has tried a couple of times to get back in touch with me, because she would hate that I have left the friendship and am surviving without her, but I have not let her back in. I had to go nc with her, nothing else would have worked.
I don’t even feel sad anymore that she is not in my life. My friendships now are much more healthy.
Thanks for this post!!!!!!…I have a mother like your friend…and I had a friend like that..growing up with my mom acting like this..deep down..I knew something was wrong with her behavior but as her child…I didn’t want to hurt her feelings so I went along with it…then I met a friend like her..she seemed very familiar…like my mother…telling me things I want to hear..talking about me behind my back..always wanting to be on the phone with me..making herself seem like she was better than me..all the things my mother was doing…she was doing it..my red flags was going off..but I couldn’t walk away..both of them was draining me..and when I finally had enough..I cut them off..my mom was mad and every now and then she would call and say nasty things..and then be nice and try to bribe me into calling her..and when that wouldn’t work..she went back being nasty…its been 6 years since we have talked..and as for my so-called friend….we had a major falling out..and we no longer talk..I’ve learned a lot from you and those two ladies…I now pay attention to people who come around me and if they aren’t right upstairs…I have to walk away..I can’t let these types of people into my life…They have mentally drained me and it shocks me that there are these types of people in the world…you have to know the signs and pay attention!!!!.. Thanks again Dr. Savannah!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for such a timely post, Savannah.
This is an experience I have recently gone through (still working through, actually) and it is quite the struggle. I love my best friend as well and we’ve been through a lot together, including helping each other work past our trauma abuse from toxic relationships with narcissists. We’ve also had a lot of really good times.
I, like yourself, grew weary of the constant “walking on eggshells” and feeling so completely drained from what should be simple, pleasant exchanges. I feel there has hardly been a time the past couple of years where I was able to share any good news or positives going on in my life because if she was having the slightest issue,(even without my knowledge of said issue) all of a sudden I was insensitive and needed to apologize. How dare me to mention meeting a new guy at lunch that had complimented me because SHE hadn’t had a date in a while. How dare me mention receiving good news of any kind when I was aware she had gone thru a few down days. It was as if I was suppose to consult her first before every conversation. How is your mood, did you wake up happy today, or depressed suddenly, is everything perfect in your life right at this moment because I have something exciting I’d like to share otherwise I will just share any negatives I can think of. It just became too hard to communicate never knowing how my comments would be received. If I had an off day or something she could perceive as an “awful drama” like being treated rudely by someone, something silly like that, and needing to vent for a second…she was all ears! Just don’t bring any positives to the table where I showed signs of happiness and forward moving. She RARELY ever shared any good things that might have happened in her day…just a mile long list of bad stuff, most of which was a matter of perspective and could easily be fixed just by taking a more positive approach.
I like being happy and sharing good times, successes, joys,milestones, achievements, new hopes and all things light that keep us headed to a brighter future filled with joy, peace and happiness.
I started noticing her lack of interest in any joyful news, as I would share the same “good news” with a few of my other friends and they would be cheering, “way to go”, “that’s great” or ask more questions and take an interest. It’s not something I have to have, as I try to create my own happiness and be responsible for that but I just feel it’s human nature to want to share our good moments with those we care about and that care about us.
It saddens me that I won’t be able to share these with her. Of course, there’s more to it, complicated, but it’s all moot at this point. Heartbreaking.
We have to make choices for our own health and well being. Stepping away from the friendship she and I had, will be okay and it will work out for the best, but it’s still a process to move past with losing that friendship, no matter if it is ultimately for my own good.
Thank you for your post…it was comforting, truly. Glad you are practicing such good self-care, as it shines a light for others to follow.