A reader asked, “My relationship with a Narcissist has scared me so much. How am I supposed to trust anyone after that?” She continued to list all of the atrocities committed by her Narcissist and what isn’t so surprising is that all the stories seem all too similar.
Considering that between 2 and 16% of North Americans are afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it is likely that the typical women will have at least one encounter with a Narcissist. Due to the deceptive nature of the impairment, a true accounting is near impossible to determine. Fortunately, in relationships, many exhibit similar behavior patterns, which makes them easier to identify.
When a Narcissist is getting to know a potential new target, he tends to overvalue his new source of supply. He lays on the charm and tries to sweep her off her feet. He is attentive, loving and everything she needs him to be. If while he’s in this hot phase, the target chooses not to engage and does not offer up the much needed supply, the Narcissist will become extremely emotional. Obtaining new sources of supply is difficult and a great source of anxiety for the Narcissist. Because they fear rejection vehemently and their entire sense of self-worth is dependent upon external sources, if abandoned at this early stage the Narcissist will become depressed, stuck and fixated on his lost target.
Most targets are not so lucky, often falling for the Narcissist’s fake charm and magnetism. In her book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, relationship expert, Natalie Lue says that all Narcissists are Emotionally Unavailable, but not all Emotionally Unavailable men are Narcissists. She states, “that it is a fine line, but there is a line none-the-less.” In describing Emotionally Unavailable men, Lue lists the following behavior patterns:
He blows hot and cold – one minute he’s really into you, the next minute he’s gone. There are usually pockets of time that he disappears, then reappears offering little to no explanation
He future fakes –early on he talks about his plans for the future, which always includes you. He may even go so far as to talk about love and marriage. He uses this technique to let you think there is a future, so he can get what he wants in the present.
He manages down your expectations – he passive-aggressively appears to be on board, but as soon as you start to expect something from him, he will always disappoint. Soon he will manage down your expectations until you expect nothing from him and your relationship starts to resemble nothing more than a booty call.
His words never match his actions– he will make promise after promise, but will deliver nothing. He is one big walking excuse.
He takes no responsibility for his actions – when you call him on his behavior he will often resort to turning it around on you.
He liberally presses the reset button– when he breezes his way back into your life after blowing cold, he resets the relationship to the point where he feels the most comfortable. He disappears for just long enough so he can force out the memory of his past misdemeanors.
He relies on lazy communication – he prefers to communicate via text and email. This allows him to keep an emotional distance.
He’s resistant to involving himself in your life – he adamantly refuses to meet your family and friends and will impede the normal progression of a relationship.
The relationship is all on his terms – everything is on his terms, it’s all about him, his wants, his needs. He shows up when he wants to and he disappears when you start to expect anything from him. He lives on Me Island.
In my blog What Walks Among Us – Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I list the DSM-5’s criteria for diagnosing the disorder. While five criteria must be met for a diagnosis, Lue states that Emotionally Unavailable Men meet at least 3, those being; require excessive admiration, interpersonally exploitative, and they lack empathy. If you’ve noticed the above cited behaviours along with some of the following you are likely involved with a Narcissist:
He talks constantly about his abilities and skills – he wants attention and admiration for his talents, even if they are not particularly spectacular. He wants to be considered gifted in certain areas and may even lie and make up stories to try to impress his targets to illicit the esteem he is after.
He is obsessed with either his intellect or his body – the cerebral Narcissist will hone his knowledge and dialogue just enough to consider himself superior and to make sure you are aware that he is superior. He may try to dazzle you with stories of his brilliance, while exaggerating the stupidity of others.
A somatic Narcissist will likely spend hours at the gym every day, sculpting and perfecting his body. He’ll likely have a stock of photos that he eagerly shares with scores of women.
He talks about true love, romance and passion – in an attempt to lure you in and sweep you off your feet he will talk endlessly about how he is searching for true love. He believes that he is unique and looking for someone that shares his uniqueness.
He believes that he is licensed to do whatever he pleases, regardless of its impact on others –he may have a string of women that he goes to for sex, money or an ego stroke. He believes that he is so special that he is entitled to lie, manipulate and string women along for his own benefit.
He is extremely jealous and envious of others– he always wants to be the center of attention. When his significant others, children, family or friends do not put him first, he may sulk, punish, or internally or externally rage with envy.
He rages at the smallest slight, real or imagined – he is constantly on the lookout for criticism. Any threat to his superiority will be dealt with extreme hostility and anger. Others witnessing the scene will be shocked at how out of proportion his reactions are to the perceived insult.
If you find your nearest and dearest displaying any of the above behaviours, isn’t it time you started asking, what am I getting out of this relationship. Putting up with abusive behavior does not prove how much you love someone. What it proves is how little you love yourself. Resist your desire to be a doormat and put foot to pavement and bounce.
I’ve read quite a few articles about narcissism, but this one is by far the most comprehensive and applicable to my experience.
I was friends with a narcissist for about 3 years, and within those three years, we attempted something more than friendship a few times…always with the same outcome. The third time was the final straw.
He was prone to hot and cold behavior patterns; we would breach the friendship zone (it was consensual) and then he’d go cold with little to no explanation. I was expected to simply twiddle my thumbs during his moments of silence. Mind you, when things were hot, he said and did all the right things, and then he’d do a flip… sometimes within the span of 24 hours.
When I finally confronted him about my feeling that I was always succumbing to his terms, he fought me on it. I was communicating a boundary I wanted to be respected, and his response was that my boundaries were threatening to overstep his own. I’ve spent our entire relationship respecting his boundaries. The one time I step up and assert myself, I’m met with backlash.
We tried to reconcile after a fight. I was ready to forgive, and he claimed he was too. Then, he went cold… again. Very on brand. I was fed up with the games, whether they were inadvertent or not. If I continue to allow myself to be dismissed and devalued, it speaks more of me than of him.
As petty as this may seem, I felt the need to go no-contact. It’s been about a month, and it’s been very painful for me. I have days when I’m self-assured and feel I did the right thing by cutting him out… and then there are those days when the trauma bond is strong. I’m grateful that nothing deeper manifested between us. I’m hearing stories of people who tolerated abuse for many years, and my heart goes out to you. You, as a compassionate empath, deserve better. We deserve better.
Okudukça güçlendiğimi hissediyorum Allah razı olsun Sağlıklı günler inşaallah
Hi Savannah, this behavior is very similar to the described one when someone is ‘being strung along’, or ‘receiving breadcrums’. How can I differentiate between one and another? as I met a girl who in my opinion was stringing me along but when I began to make questions I received a lot of the behavior you describe, the push and pull, the text communication, gaslighting, name calling, silent tratments. But one thing is certain and it is that we were not in a relationship.
I worked for one and because of the abuse and his strange behaviours, I learned only later, after I quit, what a narcissist is. Much reading and thinking abut my experience since then, allows me to raise the following ideas. Are all narcissists transformed into a walking living illness that takes over the individual and then as the narcissist goes through his or her life, they respond to situations and stress from a behavior pool of what can be called patterned automatic responses.
I saw many elements in my Boss of what are called other personality disorders or characteristics. I think they are all contained in malignant narcissism, and are drawn out or exposed or arise when the right stressors arise or opportunities arise. I say opportunities because the narcissist lives to take advantage of others.
The wide range of events I saw and their variety and intensity make me think the above is more accurate than the weak descriptions we have so far of narcissism. Someone in a medical investigative environment does not spend enough time with the narcissist to really see them as they can really be. Working for one or living with one presents much more information to be studied and interpreted.
These victims need to be reached out to and to be asked in an organized fashion what their experiences involved. Then this knowledge can be studied for what clues they provide for medical people to obtain better understandings of this mental illness or if you want to be more sanitized about it – call it a condition.
Maybe medical descriptions downplay the severity of the illness, the complexity and the completeness of the illness – ostensibly because it is thought that the illness is not so destructive to the one with it. This thinking needs revision, for the narcissist may or may not destroy him or herself but they certainly do sow harm and hurt and stress and confusion in those they meet in their lives. The memories are permanent.
In addition, another area of question, one which may be needing more definition, is it should be noted that narcissists may sort of idle as they pass through life, but they have this instant ability to ramp up and I think gradually escalate the application of their skills and practices or habits, as they age and learn from their interactions with people and life around them, How else do you define a Hitler. They learn as they go, become better at it.
I urge more academic study. Albert Speer’s writings on Hitler in “Inside the Third Reich” show a man sucked in, elevated and used by narcissism, yet not understanding, but seeking to come to grips with what he experienced. In his writing, you can see he is close in his recognition of the aspects of the illness because he defines some of them, speaks of them, is around them, but he cannot encompass the vastness of what the illness is in any name because the illness was not identified at that time. Without an identity and description of the illness he had no base to anchor his thinking. So he may have died without ever really realizing the true nature of how Hitler had used him and the cause – the illness of narcissistic personality disorder.
This is an illness to be feared, not tolerated, attacked not tolerated, identified, not tolerated.
I was in an very hurtful and horrible relationship with my ex narcissist… he destroys my soul and then came back to finish the job… I want him out of my life because he is everything this article stated.
This is great! It really explains a lot. I divorced my ex-husband but realized what he was long before that. However, he wasn’t the type that would actually work, or take care of himself or anything like that. He was an alcoholic narc who would sit on the couch and command our lives from the couch with a beer in his hand.
He spent some time in jail (he hit me) and when he got out he blamed me for it. Thankfully all those years that he sat on the couch and did nothing taught me how to live life alone. I would ask him to go to the movies, he would say go by yourself. I would ask to go to dinner, he would say go by yourself, all the while drinking himself almost to death.
Anyway, now that he’s out of jail and the divorce is final I owe him a POS car in the divorce. He’s used this as an opportunity to harass me on a daily basis about the stupid car. He called me 84 times one day about the car. Literally 84 times. Now he’s got it in his head that I want him back.
He says ‘If you just ask we can get back together.’
I don’t know how many languages I laughed in but it must have been like 12.
I’m set on no longer communicating with him whatsoever.
I met a great guy, a friend of his from a long time ago, they rarely ever talk anymore. But the guy is great but I honestly don’t know if it will work with him JUST because of my narc ex.
I know I shouldn’t let him dictate my love life so what do you think?
Will NOT seeing this guy just because of my ex continue to give him control over me?
Will my narc ex actually ever do anything to hurt me or him?
I really like the guy, he’s a super sweet guy, is really caring, does little things like opens doors and kisses my forehead, etc…
I fell for another Narc. He was very hot for dating in the beginning. He would conveintly fade away or argue on the weekend then Mon. would roll around and he would act like nothing happened. I should have known better. He is an all-around jerk to me now. Everyone else he is nice. His way or no way. And I despise him now. I have to still deal with him and it is beyond frustrating.
Savannah. I thank you for your article ” The three phases of a narcissistic Relationship Cycle” I have been involved with a man for over 9 months. He is truly a narc. This article seems to have been written in detail of what I have experienced with him. Totally amazed there are individuals who have no conscience, incapable of loving, and downright evil. I truly fell in love with him gave him my mind, heart and soul. Only To be mocked, ignored ,laughed at , disrespected by himself and his brother. Complete joked. I have printed the article and repeatedly re read to convince myself this has happened to me. And to confirm I had done nothing wrong. It is beyond my comprehension a person like this can exist. I almost feel sorry for him, though I hate him with every ounce of my being. Thank you again. I pray I can be strong and not unblock him again.
well i have a sad story ad I am a man
I was working as a dj on a radio with web streaming. a lady saw me on cam while interviewing her friend live. well she flew from Amsterdam to aruba to meet me within month, she wasn’t rave enough and flew back to Amsterdam ad contacted me saying he was o the island I said why you didn’t meet with me if you text me every day? she said she will make it up ad flew 2 days later to Aruba she came to the studio, I opened the door and she kissed me with tongue and all, then acted embarrassed and said she has never doe this, and truce herself. ifelt something strange and canceled 3 dates wth er ten when we met we went to my house and we had sex, just before penetration she had to confess she was engaged to get married, she stayed y me for 5 days..all this attention, and promises ma me marry her 3 months after the first date to me it was the first time so had high hopes . before the wedding already she had a anger burst for no reason, we got married, she was the nicest wife, loving, and wen on honeymoon, as soon as I woe up on or first day I was happy to see my newly wife, but was mad, and asked me for divorce, and for the next 4 days she was loving during he day wen her famiywas t te resort ool with us, but as soon as they leave I got a cold shower to see her mad and I was not aloudto touch her she left to Amsterdam and was nice n Skype, ut then 3 months later when she came to live with me she was mad again, and refused me se and ket asking for divorce and she actualy left the house around 40 times. oooh she also threw everything I owned away to make space for what she was bringing from amsterdam this while I was working and told her don’t do it. if I disagree with her or have onoter oinion, she urst into rae and even rake things in the house, when I oose it from time to time and react on her elittleling and veral offenses, real ugly ones, she cries and pays the victim. ut she keeps coming ack and I take her ack now I don’t want to invest in a relationahi like this no more , she took me to court 3 times for dvorce and when judge ask her she stays quiet, it was posponed 2 times, on the third time in front of the judge when she was asked she stayed quiet, when judge asked e I said yes, she started crying etc while she is the one who filed for it anyways she kept going and coming and it has een 5 years since marriage and two since divorce and it ony getting worse so now I am the ad gy that don’t want to give attention ut she wont let me speak my mind, ecause anything I say tha is not convenient to her she freaks out and leaves or curses, yesterday she started to outburst again, and I tod her, if you yell at me like the previous days I that again I wil walk awy tomy neigour and come ack in one hour and epect for er to have left! its my house! then she said she wil sleep in the ackroom and I can have se with others because she aint giving any, I tod her if you are thinking to stay in my house and refuse me se you wrong, I have een humiliated for two years y her y refusing me sex, and I wont take it ever again! so I answered wel then you leve te hous now, she rusted into rage and said I hope you will e thrown ut of a house too so you wil experience it too, when I told her, why I said it she said I keep lving in the ast, its not that, its just I wilnever accept that treatment no more! nd then she sid she h to go becuse she has No rights in my house,rights, to curse me everything she desire regardless how it can hurt me? I was open with her told her my likes nd dislikes from the first date and looking back, she did everything I liked until I got married and started doing all I disliked from the next day and never did what I liked no more, l advice I give she disregards, and when n issue comes i have to save her while I warned her or after few years of me giving her advice she tells me that this person told me this makes sense and when I confront her out it that I have been telling her that she gets md it is hell being in situation like this, I feel no the for her, I just feel sorry her
Scary. It is like we all know the same monster. Oh boy did I find out the wrong way that you never ever do even constructive criticism with a narc. They turn into pouty toddlers and you pay for weeks. My narc even carried a dictionary to prove you were wrong with pronunciation, spelling, and meanings of words. He was always right! My final straw was making the mistake of taking him back after we broke up. He was dating another but of course had to continue to lure, charm and seduce me back. Stupid me took him back, he went on an on how the other woman was too high maintaince and he didn’t like how she gave happy endings in her massage business. Seriously they are perfect for each other. well, i bought his ploy and stupidly believed he loved only me until I found out he was seeing both of us, he never had any intentions of giving up this sweet deal. I texted her, told her she should know he was seeing both of us and he can’t be trusted. He went ballistic. He told her I was lying, crazy, scorned and Called me several times, left messages that he was going to have me arrested. I’m still not sure why he thought he could have me arrested for testing her and telling her the truth, but that’s when I stopped all communication. Two years later he still drives by my home, sends forlorn messages saying maybe someday we can be together again, seeks sympathy for some illnesses he’s having and making sickening, pathetic pleas for even the tiniest bit of attention. Good riddens!
I am amazed that some of you mentioned how their narc used religion .i left a man in 2014 for extreme cheating and he got locked up a month later only to “find God” and tell me how sorry he was for how he treated me and that he believed the next woman he would be with was going to be his wife…because he wanted to live a life pleasing to the lord and …asked me to wait for him…after all the humiliating things he did to me I believed him because I could not imagine someone using God to get my trust back..after I waited a year and a half he told me he was seriously considering moving to North Dakota…I told him to never call me again because obviously I wasn’t going to leave the house I just bought and rip my kids out of school for this…he knew I wasn’t gonna go for it and that was his way of making the”break up” my fault….he came by my house to pick up his stuff..lol including a book he wrote about hist”life story on how he found God” only to convince me to sleep with him…yea ..he was really serious about no pre marital sex..then find out he is working for an ex of his and she is buying him everything he wants…..lol….I got to say wolf in sheepskin clothing is soooo accurate….and another year and a half of my life and money that I put on his books because I believed he found God and was being truthful ,he even worked at the church prison!!!! They are Satan here on earth …all I can say is God please show this man what happens when you use Gods name to do evil…
Thank you Savannah! Your listing of narcissist characteristics fits the profile perfectly for what I have been dealing with; except in my case the narcissist is a female.
The straw that broke the camels back was late at night when i woke up to use the bathroom came across his gym bag, of all things, this was key…I don’t remember what even prompted me to open it as I’m not into probing other’ property…but when i opened it, the rage that washed over me was striking, as I’m not this type person. I first thing that caught my eye was a jumbo size Vaseline jar, then next to that a porn tape. The numerous stages of emotion was overwhelming. My beginning and ending with this Narc was much the same in the stories I’ve read here. I knew in my gut the first time i laid eyes on him he was a bad seed. The more I showed disinterest, the more he pressured and chased. It was the charm that wore me down. This was my first ever encounter with such a person. I never even knew what a Narc was bf him. I am a gentle and kin creature and for the life of me could not understand his lack of empathy. It took years to recover from the damage that he caused mostly bc first i had to learn the truth about what he was and second i had to rebuild in myself what he had damaged and tried to get me to believe about myself and who i was, when i was not. This is pure and cruel manipulation and emotional sabatage of the mind! He actually had me believing I was the fall guy, cheater and bad person to lessen the truth and fact about his true nature. He claimed Christian too but in all actuality, a wolf in sheep clothing! How does one lose so much of his worth and identity you might ask?…Raw emotion is powerful and the rape of a person happens slowly, not overnight…I lost allot, He stole allot, but I know now the dangers and yes, as intelligent as me might think we are, it can happen to us..It is subtle and effective, the cunning of the Narc…I’m just thankful to God that i survived it.
And so I opened up that Vaseline jar and spread it throughout coating everything inside this bag for him to enjoy in the morning. I smeared it all over his nasty tape…I knew come 5’oclock a:m there would be hell to pay…nothing like going out with a bang! I wanted to act in such a way where it would bring a lasting impact…He had already pushed me over the line by this time…I heard the foul language in whispers then louder and louder they grew. Hard and fast foot steps until they reached my bedroom door then BAM! He busts in the door, smashes everything to pieces on the dresser and bureau…I thought Wow, all this drama over a porn tape…He thought more of the contents of the gym bag then he did me which just goes to show you these guys sees us as an object of their desires and nothing else…I pray for peace for all women everywhere living thru this kind of hell…know the signs and safeguard your selves and your children for no man is worth this much trauma…thank you Savannah for this most helpful site and resource…Healing will come!
Wow. The more I read the more fearful I feel and the more I see that he man I am with is by far and away a true Narcissist. The come and go, the demands of I am the first and one and only, the anger and aggression, the put downs, the turning the relationship into a booty call, I have not met his family or friends with the exception of one of his sisters, his boarder who is a long term friend, his neice’s boyfriend and another boarder ha hd at his other rental place. He has run hot and cold for just over 2 1/2 years, he’s yelled at me, put me down, his actions and words rarely match, he’s lied about allergies to animals and where he was on at least one occassion, turns things aroundt o make me believe I am the one at fault, always says he is down or low and hates that others have been given things or opportunities and why didn’t he get them, spoke about how great the sex life was with his ex wife but ours is not and I’m so stressed and feel so insecure and unstable with him that I often feel like I”m a performing seal in the bedroom. I never get a massage nor do I get any foreplay and we rarely go on dates, he dictates most of where and when we meet and most of our contact is via txt and when he calls I call straight back as I have Unlimited on my mobile. I’ve been yelled at and told off if I didn’t answer the phone fast enough or I wasnt’ attentive enough when I was with him or he came t visit me, I’ve had him go off his head over simple words and statements, don’t laugh or have a sense of humor as he hates that, he sees the world as glass half empty and cruel and miserable. He dictates I talk too much and often get the Our conversations are so long and I have work to do or tkae care of this or that but I”m the one who does 95% of the listening and my attempt at trying to talk or converse is met with ignoring me or telling me he has to go/ He is very controlling of how I do things when we are together (we donot live together. I dare not cry as he has told me that he will get up and walk away as he hates when people cry and he can’t handle it or deal with it. I have had times when I needed him to be there for me but he was either too busy or too tired or not available for some reason or other. He took off to a new job in another state for 3 weeks and came back because they had lied about the wages and then he leaves again 3 weeks after returning to an overseas destination and comes back after 6 1/2 months as living there was too expensive. All the time he and I were still together. He has been really nasty due to me having medical issues with women’s issues and has pushed and badgered me to go to Doctor’s which I have done several times and now I’m awaiting my appointment in January for a specialist. He is lazy when it comes to intimacy and I am the one who ends up doing 99% of all the work and when I have spoken about his lack of reciprocation he just fobs it off or says he would do more if I .able to give him a better sex life. I’ve told him whilst I am menopausal and have had a miscarriage many years ago and have suffered some other minor things that at my age I need to have more attention and not less but he just won’t make enough of an effort.Iv’e never had this problem with initmacy before with any other partner and he says the same thing. He has however, told me about how great the sex was with his ex wife and how he has had other women flirt with him or act interested and how he likes this or that in a woman and has remarked about my weight and told em that I’d be really hot if I lost weight. H has also said he wants a woman who is obedient and submissive. I am very domesticated, loving, caring, kind and love helping others and thought that being like a 1950’s kind of housewife would make him happy. It hasn’t and he is constantly finding fault with almost everything I do then telling me how wonderful and amazing I am and how I am great when it comes to loving him and he loves the way I give him well bj’s and massages. He says he is a stickler for time keeping but has not been on time for much of the last few months. Tried to bring it up with him to get a nasty mouthful from him. He has told me what to wear when he gets to me and how to prepare things for when he get there and has recently started to cancel at the last minute or show up and not stay for long and it has turned very much into something akin to a booty call. The amount of times I have spoken to him about meeting his family and friends and how I feel about the way things are going and how I feel that he never listens to me or even tries to understand and why don’t we ever go out on proper dates? I’ve taken him back several times and at one time I told him to go away and after 3 months he came back into my life and the day before I was moving out a rental and in with a friend and he was all like he wanted to come just to apologize for the way he had treated me and would I come and have a coffee with a dick. I got him to send his number to me but it didn’t come through so I e-mailed him for it. Big mistake. It’s been on again and off again all over again since November 2013. Started in April 2013. To date I have no idea if he is lying about not seeing other women as I have had no way of finding out and to be honest I’ve been too afraid to ask anyone who might be able to give me answers. As it stands I am too afraid to leave and too afraid to stay. I try my best to keep the peace by being very conscious of what I say and how I act. I am genuine ins my word but it’s so hard and so tiring being every vigilant on words and emotions. Even simple words can set him off when he is in his down or depressive moods. Recently he wanted to be alone and I got confused by him sending me sms even after he said he wanted to be alone and to stay away for the time being. so I said enjoy your peace and quiet and see you later. I just kept answering the sms as I’ve been conditioned to answer them else I get a mouthful if I don’t. Big mistake yet again. He went off like a rocket with his anger and aggression. I got a barrage of foul mouthed and VERY nasty sms’s. I even got told, when I did speak to him that he was SO upset with me and SO angry that I wouldn’t just not answer the sms, Just let him sound off, that he, for the first time in his life, felt like coming over to my house and hitting me and or smashing up my stuff. He also told me that when his ex wife had tried to stop him from leaving the house after they argues he would pick her up and put her aside and she was often left with bruises on her arms as he thinks he must’ve held her very tightly. I saw some pictures that have really upset me and seems he was not supposed to be in Perth until Monday but hei is back in Perth and he was at Christmas, locally, with family and I found out his ex wife was there and dressed to kill. In the kind of clothes that my partner really likes. I was crushed. He has told me so many times that he doesn’t want her back but wants the kind of intimate relationship they had. He is very sexually driven and I am not. He has recently said that he is happy to wait until I get the results of the specialists and he is happy to stave off any kind of sexual contact to take the pressure off but it never seems to stick. He never seems to be able to stick to it. I know I am partly to blame as I can be a bit of a tease sometimes but I don’t get why he speaks and then never follows through. We had even discussed me moving to New Zealand to live with him and that he was going to pay for me to come over there, when he was living there before and have a holiday to check it all out. Then he didnt’ want to pay for the ticket and he wanted me to pay for it and he would pay to take care of me when I was over there. The cost of the ticket was more than I could afford and I was lying to my family about him paying for it. I was worried I’d get stuck paying for myself as he had already gone back on his wor dto pay for the ticket. I even bought him 2 of his favourite bottle of man perfume and he went overboard when I was dropping it off to his friend who was bringing it back for him. He was chasing me up with calls and sms. In the end he was due to pay me back before Christmas last year and said If I needed it earlier then to ask and when I did; well all hell broke lose and he went off his head with behaving badly and went on and on about how he could make me wait and how I was this and that and anything else that was nasty. Int he end I got some money back but just over half of what he owed me. Never got paid back for the rest of it. He has helped me out with a bit of cash when I was doing it tough so I guess that eves it up. It’s the one minute the most loving and caring man and then he turns on a pin head into the most aggressive and angry man I’ve ever met. He scares the hell out of me sometimes.
Whoever said the holidays are a time for reunions is full of it! It’s a time for endings ok!! Happy Healing. God bless you All.
He was cute, Christian, and coming my way. Showed me a lot of attention right off the bat, but I was still legally married although separated and wanted to be honest. So I told him the truth that I was separated but had already filed for divorce and was in the process (with my emotionally and physically abusive narc husband of 4 years) and that the divorce would be final in a matter of months. Red flag#1 he immediately started asking about another girl in church and I say girl bc she was only 20 meanwhile we were both 34! And it was creepy how he hounded me for her # wouldnt stop asking abt her only texting me to ask if she had given me her # it was like he was obsessed so she reluctantly had me give him her # I guess she felt pressured bc it was a guy from church, and finally she told him herself that she wasn’t interested. I thought that was the end of him. But lo and behold 6 months later he starts showing strong interest again. When I asked him why he had dissed me for the other girl he said it’s bc I told him I was married and he didn’t want to commit adultery but that he always wanted me first. Yea ok.
Six months since that incident and red flag #2 he invites me to a bbq at his dad’s and asked if I wanted to come over to his apt while he waits for the hot water turns on so he can take a shower since our was only running cold. I say fine since we only live 3 blocks away and it was still daylight hours so I wasn’t worried abt how it seemed. Got there he opens the door w no shirt on I was a little shocked but nope silly me didn’t protest. In fact he asked if I minded that he had his shirt off bc it was “really hot” and silly me said an automatic no. First of all I bet if it was his guy friends or the pastor himself coming to visit he wouldn’t try that “it’s so hot” nonsense. Thinking back I should’ve refused to set one foot in that apt until he put on a shirt like a decent human being. Pfffft.
Of course we end up staying bc the hot water never came on even though he was sooooo hot. But he did come on hot. While we were sorting down on his futon he tried to kiss me and at the same time tried putting my hands on his crotch. Once he did that I ran out of there and promised myself I would never see him again. If only.
I went on vacation to see my mom and was away for a month he would text every day one time I had 4 missed calls in a span of 5 minutes. He was constantly flirting texting and talking abt what he wanted with me telling me that he wsnted totake me on a date in central park saw me as more than a friend and wanted to know how I felt abt kids and marriage bc he NEVER wants to have kids or get married but that he would like to get married in the eyes of the Lord…no pastor or witnesses necessary but if a man lays with a woman he becomes her husband. Um yea THAT was redflag#3 and honestly there were so many after that I lost count. But in short that was his deal. He wanted me to be completely happy being one of X# of women in his life and I quote “to be his concubine”. That should have been The End. But noooooo.
I get back in town. He continues texting emailing asking me out I refused bc i was already turned off with a lot things he said but he wouldn’t let up. Long stupid story short I end up back in his apt 3 more times. And bc him having to get up early the next day for work and me being busy during the week and all the various circumstances he never took me out on a real date at least that’s what I told myself.
We got up to third base where I gave him oral but he didn’t want to return the favor that night bc he didn’t want to be tempted and not end up having sex and committ adultery. So that was my breaking point.
Told him I really don’t see the point of doing allllllllll that stuff, exchanging fluids, doing porno shit, being a cocksucker concubine. I just don’t understand it. If it”s about saving sex for marriage isn’t it about saving that level of intimacy too? I didn’t get any pleasure. So that was lame.
My goodness he was basically telling me I’m basically used up damaged goods, who should only live to get him off or go be a eunuch… Because I’ve been married. I had to learn to laugh. When I dumped him he told me I will only find men who will cheat and that I should’ve stuck with him “the honest man” and that he’s ready to go down on me now and that we can have sex after my divorce. I love how he thinks blowjobs don’t count. Ugh. He said more rude things abt how good looking he is and can get any woman he wants and that I’m selfish for trying to cling to him and then accused me of using sex as a way to get him to marry me. Wha?? All I suggested is that we hold off on the freaky stuff bc i felt like we were going too fast.
I didn’t realize he was my husband part 2. Good looking on the outside rotten on the inside!!! Telling me basically that I’m good for nothing but to be his concubine or a eunuch… As if he is God, telling me my role in life.
Now I could care less what he thinks because I already know he has 0 respect for women.
In the end, that disgusting psychosexual loser hypocrite piece of shit in NOOOOO position to judge me and a snake!!! wasted 16 weeks of my life. And validated that I really do need to work on my self ESTEEM.
But you know it’s sobering and now I know better. I don’t really like to say never but I honestly believe NEVER AGAIN. I will never be that stupid for a man just bc I’m lonely. I’m thankful to see see that these demon-possesed people (because that’s really what they are) gets no love.
Inatead…..Delight yourself in The Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
My situation is similar and I can’t believe how hard it is for me. My emotionally unavailable man pursued me, swept me off my feet, then after a trip we took he disappeared completely. The last couple months have been me trying to patch it up. I see him once or twice a week but he’s still so different. I read this article and feel like it was either all fake in the beginning or he caught feelings which just shut him down because he is absolutely 100% emotionally unavailable. Everytime I tell him I’m done I can’t handle it and I know I’m not the only one he sees, he chases me more. He says he wants me in his life and I’ll just have to deal with other girls. It’s like I’m the safe place while he goes off having his cake and eat it too. I feel like mentally I’ve developed a sickness because I’m actually having such a hard time because of how much I love him even though he is not fulfilling any of my needs emotionally. I’ve actually considered the whole open relationship thing he desires fully knowing it’s just to keep him from going anywhere. I’m actually embarrassed to even admit this on here. Maybe this makes me emotionally unavailable too, they seem to attract each other. Who knows but I need serious help!
that sound like body builder i read about he always gym and eating right taking photos himself and videos .new clothes new shoes new hair cuts.the last 3 women he was with left him .his old girlfriend broke off with him this year 2015 got married few months later he found himself 22 year old kid as girlfriend he 31 years old .he does care she so young and so inexperience and so innocent.he was marred once before .he deson,t care what think of doing as long as he hot – i hope it won,t last that girl desve better depspite the charm and bullshit he con man .he saying all time long term relationships he only meet her few months ago . what jerk
I can’t believe it…it’s exactly what was happened. ..Exactly ! But am asking my self..if I know the true him now…why do I still think about him..why do I still love him!
Amiley read my blog entitled Are you mistaking intensity for intimacy and both blogs on Trauma bonds for your answer.
I meant to add that if you answer me by replying here to my post. I’ll post an email address for you.
We don’t publish personal information on this site.
This is for Island Girl from July 23rd, 2014. I think I may know this person. Was this in VA or MD? Of course that may not be the case as they do get around. I realize your post was over a year ago but still – I would like to connect with you. Also there should be a way to find others who dated the same person – kind of like Facebook but dedicated just to finding others who date or marry the same n/s/p.
I had been thinking about him more the past two days. As I’m painting my nails tonight I received an email from him asking if I had been stalking him and watching him from his apartment complex. He of course had to state the exact make, model, year and color of my car along with “I know you won’t be honest with me but you should if that’s what you’re doing” He is an alcoholic and extremely narcissistic- more so when he drinks. Not sure what came first but I don’t care anymore. And no, I don’t have the time nor the desire to stalk him. I don’t know what to do. I got the last of my things out of his apartment two weeks ago after we had broke up over a year ago. Any attempt I made to get my things back- he used it as leverage to upset me and hurt me. Almost two years later and I finally have everything back. I was only allowed to get my stuff when he said so. His terms, his rules, his world. I’m hoping someone can help me because I don’t know what to do. He called me a week ago from a blocked number at 2:30 a.m and I cleared the call. I am really trying to move on and it has been working. But it is insane that it is almost down to a certain amount of days that he contacts me. I think this is another covert controlling method, another way of getting me upset or a way to make me look like I’m still pining over him. Do I respond and say no, it’s not me and to call the police if he feels he is being watched? Or do I ignore it? Does it matter that if I ignore him that I won’t be cleared of such accusations? He stated he won’t believe me anyways so is there a point?
I can’t even explain how frustrating it is to be told you’re doing something and then asked for the truth followed by “well I won’t believe it anyways”. But these people know that. It’s like backing you into a corner with no escape. Any time I get stronger, he comes up with some pathetic excuse to contact me. What do I do? Cuz I am so damn tired of being told I am this sketchy, shady person, when in all actuality that is what HE is. In his mind I have no life, no goals and no conscience of right from wrong and that I’m pining over him. Boy I wish I had the time to drive all the way across town and spy on his sad, lonely, pathetic life. Actually, no! What do I do?
I have read up on this 4months ago, and realized I was in a relationship with a narcissist. It has been on n off for 2 years, I recently learned what he was, and every single characteristic flaw he had, I was married for 13years to a good man, but we divorced he cheated on me, however 2years after my divorce I mean my boyfriend, now ex, I wish I never had met him, I workout and personal train at the gym, and so did he, he facebooked me and we started talking, and had me hooked I fell for him on 2nd date, and the love bombing they call it is so real, and he sd he wanted to marry me after 3months, thank god that never happened, I let him move in with me in my apt after 3months, everything was great, he cooked , we shared everthing, then only have 3months of living together. he started being controlling, and took a pc of me everytime, I use to have to utter most self confidence , I won completions before we dated, and he started where you at,where you going, I bought him things, and not knowing he changed around my thoughts, incidents would happen and it be all my fault, I couldn’t even say hey to anyone in gym, I could barely shop, thinking I need to get home or he will be mad, he had such control over me, no empathy, my brother 35 passed away, we went to funeral, he hugged me gave affection yest, but wanted sex every night, thought that make me feel better, I keep coming back, fount out he had other women on dating websites he talked to , and even one of my married friends, he got to her and we aren’t friends anymore. This is so realistic ,if you find that you are loosing yourself, and don’t think you can live w/out a man like this, you are wrong, it took me courage, to break it off after I fount numerous things, and he said I was delusional, and it was infront of my face, I discarded and he always came back thru email or text, I can say been 4months since last breakup and I still check my email, but he was with someone else 2weeks later, and said I love you , miss you. and I new he was with her, don’t respond, they don’t care, not one bit. It does mess with you, but you have to move on with your life, you have to make urself. I am slowly making way back to myself. I say to woman never give up, keep on trucking you have to make yourself, or you will be on the hamster wheel over n over n over, and He WILL never EVER CHANGE, they NEVER CHANGE..
I had a short stint with a narc but it was still pretty painful and confusing. I know it sucks and it’s horrible that there are people like this. What has kind of helped me….to be honest, I feel kind of bad for him in a way. He will never really be able to have a real connection with a women. He doesn’t know how to love. He doesn’t know how to be vulnerable with anyone. It’s just kind of depressing that a guy who seemed like he had so much to offer, actually didn’t have anything to offer. You just got to realize it’s not you, it’s the narc.
I was with a narc for 2 years, on and off.
I was vulnerable after each discard & hoovering was swift. He refused to talk about it, saying “well if we can’t get past that …”
3rd time I was in grist danger so I left.
I worked out from my traumatised state that he was dangerous. Very dangerousc as I missed 2 menstral cycles as a result & this has never happened to me beforecmyvwhole adult life.
He immediately found a new lady.. I was extra hurtvbyvthis as technically we were still together.
She slipped right into my position as ifvid never existed. Luckily his socialbworkdciscvery dull and limited to 2 local pubs.
I blocked etc. however after 6 months he has come back, on and off two dimensional mail.
I was feeling ok but this has knocked me back.
I’m frightened to not reply, frightened to reply.
Hisvtimingvis very strange too, he’s in love with somebody new.
I appreciate that all of this information is available becausevivcantvget my head around it despite the experiences.
The biggestvpuzzelbis what motivates this level of manipulation., why dontbthesecremainbsingke & use prostitutes.
Narcissists are chameleons. They will do and say whatever they have to,to obtain their supply.
Ladies – Just get rid of these guys. Seriously. I was on about a six year journey of on and off with a narcissist. They can be very deceptive and seem to be supportive and caring, but alas, it IS all on their terms.
I let one back in after not talking for about two years. I was in the middle of trying to figure out where to move when he got back in touch and wanted to hash out what had happened in our relationship (mainly because a mutual friend told him that I felt he had never cared about me at all.) So he wanted to clear this up.
For just a while, I thought maybe he wasn’t such a narcissist or just had some of the traits. Well, some of the traits are not good either after you’ve been psychically traumatized by these people. Even SOME of the traits are too much to deal with.
I ended up choosing the state that he was not in to move to. He continued to call me and for a while I felt he was a supportive friend as I went through a difficult adjustment period and then winter SAD depression.
Then something happened. I had some artist success and met up with an old friend (a guy I could have chosen to date instead of him) to do some contact work with him. This seemed to pique the curiosity of my ex. He wanted to know if this person’s marriage was all right, as if something might happen between my friend and I.
Long story short, he was more jealous and possessive and controlling than I thought because after that trip and all my talk of getting more work with this person and moving back to the state where they both live, I started getting less contact and sometimes no answers to my emails and only one call since this happened over a month ago.
I realized what was going on and started to feel really insecure and needy. It had been two weeks since he didn’t answer an email and so I wrote him a couple that sort of low self-esteemish about me breading my attachment to expecting regular contact anymore since he’s so busy. I told him I’d never felt comfortable in this situaton. I left the door open for us to collaborate on some projects maybe i the future, that I cared about him, but basically I was now giving space for myself as well.
When there was no answer, I started to feel really insecure. I spent my whole weekend crafting this awful email that I am glad I did not send.
I had a talk with my mother who finally lined me out, knowing him and the situation, herself. She said this is exactly what he wants, for you to chase him and be all off-balance from his withdrawal. Now you feel like asking him if he even wants to talk to you anymore? Get a grip!
So I have officially gone no contact for the last time. I thought I could handle maybe being friends from a distance and maybe working together again when I move back to where I was before. I am glad I never spent any time with him in person, but I am done now.
There comes a point in your life where it’s too much stress to try and figure out why these peole do what they do. They have DEEP insecurities and have not done any inner work and I have done so much in the last year, in spite of him being in contact and I just don’t hang out with people who can’t examine their own sadows, grow up, and be emotionally and interpersonally accountable. He is not a friend and he certainly will never be a lover.
I am almost 49 years old and I just can’t put myself down in this situation anymore. It’s a matter of pride and the fact that there comes a time in one’s life where you have to give up complexes and patters.
So, in terms of my own ego, not reaching back out, though I am sure he is very smug on his end not responding at all to my last email, is that there will be no follow up from me being all insecure and asking “Why” again.
I have done enough damage to myself here already. In the long run I win, because I just DROPPED IT. You win by dropping them finally and learning not to think about them anymore. Luckily I know enough by now, didn’t date him, and have made sure to cut contact for the last and final time before I move back to where he lives.
I find his treatment of me very immature, pathetic, and just plain mean. I don’t deal with grown passive-aggressive toddlers in my life anymore.
I have blocked his email and I know this time, that I am not ever gong to look into my trash folder to see if he emailed, like I used to. I really don’t want to know. I hope he never calls me again by now.
I got over it this time a lot faster and I am relieved.
Really good post, Cat. I’ve read it over several times. Your experience shows how these guys don’t change and often it takes an outside observer, like your mom, to set us straight.
They just want us to pine after them. Give us some crumbs, get us interested again, then pull away so we’re left wondering and thinking about him. If you’re 49 I assume this guy is about the same age.
I know of several who are in their 30s and still very much players. Very immature and not worth our energy trying to dissect. The world is too big for us to be worrying about such little men.
What you also bring up with regard to narc traits is a good point. We need to not obsess over the terminology–i.e. is he a narc? A spath? Or whatever? Who cares. If he is using you, manipulating you, trying to get you to pine over you, isn’t honest, and keeps blowing cold over and over as a means to gain control, what does it matter if he only has 4 of the 5 traits needed to be diagnosed? If a guy is well into his 30s and 40s on, still behaving like a high schooler, with a history of failed relationships and a shady past, who cares what we call him? He’s still an asshole.
Glad you got the clarity you needed. We all need to drop them forever.
I was a FWB to a man who fits this description! We were ( are) both married . He claimed he and his wife were all but separated, that he was not obligated in any way to her and she felt the same. I fell for his charm, his apparent interest in spending time with me. He made me feel that he liked me and valued me so much a s a friend and told me all along that we were great friends , friends for life. He was forever ringing me, texting me, wanting to meet up. I am glad to say, not always for physical intimacy. That actually was pretty low level and not at all the driving force in our friendship. For me, the main thing was the friendship. We laughed together so much. He said no one made him laugh lie, I did…. Blah, blah, blah.
Then, one night last year, when we were having our usual “Great time” he turned to me and said “I am bored of our friendship and that’s it”
Wow! The silent treatment began…… And I became this crazy person, wanting to know what was wrong, what I had done, how I could put it right. I pleased with him, begged him to explain. And all the time, he blanked me. Absolutely no respinse!
Then, out of the blue, a text arrives…..”hi, have you eaten? Do you you fancy supper and a catch up?”
Back I went, an ok night, although it was tense. Then, you guessed it…… Silent treatment.
Weeks later, I bumped int him in town. Again, out for supper. He tells me he is making a n effort with his wife but at the same time says “I am biding my time till I can get out”
I ask him ” and does your wife think everything is fine”
“Yes” he replied!!!
I am angry with him! So angry! I have done the No contact thing, but keep slipping up. I want to hate him and I cant.
Most of all, I want to tell his wife what he is.
She knows he is a liar, cheat etc but doubt she understands all of this sociopathic, narcissit behaviour traits.
He is a totally horrible, unkind, deceitful and abusive man.
The treatment we have experienced is abuse. It doesn’t matter if the are sick in the head, or lacking in some. Way psychologically. It is still abuse.
I never understood “trauma bonding”….. I had never heard of it. But now I recognise what eh did, how he did it. I just dornt understand why he hated me enought to do it!
I am involved with a narcissist, after having married one and separated. I did not see this new narcissist coming. I’m not one to fall head over heels right away, so this one puller all the stops and layer it on thick. He even created real tears during cuddle time.
This man is one of the worse walking the earth. He only wants to go placed that he is known, and sports me around like a pretty piece of jewelry, to get attention, then usually leaves me hanging once he gets attention. we only see each other when he say, he disappears for two weeks, with no explantion, he expects to be pampered during and after sex, oral is a special gift if he gives it to me, though he expect it on the regular from me. He changed plans constantly thru the day out, never caring what I want to do. He always seem to make me look dumb in front of other women, this is to make them think he is not that serious about it. He touches on other women, he knows while I sit back and watch. The list goes on. I left him twice, and he comes back with a flimsy apology and still does the same thing. All the while gas light me and turn it around on me. He doesn’t want me to see other men in no way but yet spends time with his x girl friend. I’ve decided to fall way back from him and remove sex. I no longer want any sex with him or time out with him. He scheduled us for this week but im cancelling. Which he does not expect and is going to be hurt. Hopefully he will go away. I’ve cried and even vomited and had heart pains from the stress. He slept with his x and lied to me and possibly with his other one who was stalking and harassing me. Im getting away from him, before I have an heart attack
My story I had just came out of a 10 yr marriage so I was pretty low he was a friend at the time then one day swopped in for the kill at the time I didn’t know I thought I have another chance at happiness and this is the guy boy was I wrong he made me feel like I was the most inportent women in the world was pushing for me to be the women to have his first child I got pregnant within the mouth of him saying that to me and slowing he began to change 3 mouths gone and we when out to a friends house me made a show of me and when we came back I ask him why he did that to me I am carrying your child he went into a rage punched my tv leaving a bit hole in it and run out the door I was left confused then once he was bk it was alll sorry and he would never do it again which was a lie I became afraid of him like I was walking on egg shells I felt so alone being pregnant and the emotional abuse I was so low I solely felt I needed him even tho I knew it wasn’t right he would always point the finger at me and say your so negative all the time but he was the only person who ever said that to me after I had the baby and got back on my feet I started to talk to my friend about what was going on I told her I lied about the hole in my tv he had done it and Many time she would ask me what was up I would just say I was tired but this day I had enough and started to talk and open up about what was going on there is so much more to this story but I would be here all day so bare with me I knew something was off with him but couldn’t put my finger on it all I did was spent money on him buying anything he wanted to keep him happy then one day I decide to stop instead I started to by things for the children and myself things we needed nothing amazing he slowing became distant every so often I would get him a gift of the joy in his face until one day he was so ungrateful like I should just buy him things anyway he became more distant and I tried and tried with him no affection nothing I didn’t feel loved just used the last thing I got him was a car which was meant to be for us both once I had pass myself within two weeks of buying it for him he was gone leaving me in debt all of a sudden he went cold blaming me for everything I couldn’t work out what I had done wrong he was playing with my head I felt drained I asked him to leave he wouldn’t at first so I packed his things for him he took the car I had paid for and left me with the baby 2 weeks when by the baby wasn’t well I was up at the hospital he never showed one time I was so angry and upset then one day he asked to start saying the baby I knew he only wanted to do this to make himself look good like he was the best dad in the world the reason I told him to leave was becuz he got angry with are now 8mouth baby screening at him be cuz he was crying he was one evil man he told me if I didn’t let him see our child he would take him away from me which I believed so it was over I was down and out for a while but new I had to get myself bk even tho I had to see that face at my door 3 times a week with his litte comment and horrible things he would say to me just to make me feel less as time when on I started getting so much done in my life I was happy my kids was happy I started doing my driving lessons I started a course I took the kids on holiday that year was the best hoilday as I did it all on my own 10 mouths had passed by my life was in a good place Everytime I seem him I would just shut down so he couldn’t hurt me with his words he tried hovooring me many times I just ignored it until one day I fell for it he was back the same day like nothing had happened saying he had change I was with him for mouths this time and in them 4 mouths he did the same thing again but a lot faster know I feel like a fool again and am trying to pick myself back up again .
Hi ladies. I am currently starving for insight into this guy I recently shared the last 5 months of my life with. As I grow and learn, identity is key. On the flip side, how/why I attracted this type of man. Great guy. Completely delusional.
I have read a lot lately about BPD and NPD and the more I read, the more sure I am my ex suffers from these disorders. Actually the psychiatrist he was seeing a year ago diagnosed him with BPD and Posttraumatic disorder.
My ex brags a lot about his talents, his knowledge on politics and other subjects, and whoever doesn’t agree with him, is just plain stupid. Period. He can’t handle criticism very well, he gets aggravated. He says he is on the top 1% of people with highest IQ and that he sometimes has to “dumb himself down” in order to blend socially. About the empathy, it’s weird because he has empathy for certain people but if they are doing something “stupid” according to him, then he doesn’t have empathy towards them. He treats well waiters and people on the service field but if they do something stupid, he gets very aggravated and starts talking bad about them. His sense of humor is not funny at all to me, he makes fun of people that are fat, that are ugly, the way they dress and even the elderly. He says he is just “sarcastic” and I told him “you are a bully”.
The main problem I had with my ex was that he didn’t want to have intimacy at all, it affected my self esteem and made me feel bad about my body. He gave me like 10 different excuses that don’t make sense of why he couldn’t be passionate about me. So why did he stay? I told him to leave me many times and he still wanted to “work things out”, gave him chances and nothing. He was cold and indifferent with me. No affection, no passion. Nothing. Can you believe I begged him for a passionate/French kiss for over a year and he never gave it to me? and on top of that, he abused me emotionally and mentally, he made me feel stupid and incompetent the most of the time and punished me by rejecting me even more. He used to say “how do you want me to kiss you and get turned on by you after you do or say something like that?”. I was under constant examination of what I was going to do and say, second-guessing myself all the time so he doesn’t think I was stupid. It affected my self-confidence and character. He is gone and still feel that way. The wounds I have are still bleeding. 🙁
Dear Ladies, I feel your pain. One thing that stands out after reading HUNDRED of these accounts is that the man seems to be the same one man that everyone else is talking about. This leads me to believe that N P D is more of a serious neurological illness of the empathy regions rather than merely a personality disorder.
Andy a lack of empathy is part of the disorder.
It’s interesting, I’ve read these blog posts over and over again, trying to make sense of my “time” with my ex; trying to determine if, he is, in fact, a narcissist. I now recall him saying early on that he fears rejection. Back then, I thought his comments were odd because he seemed to have everything a woman could ask for. Reading this again, I see that the fear of rejection is part of the narcissist’s anxiety.
I know I’m about a year late to this but I’m so happy to have found this article. I met a man online who in a very short time convinced me I was the one he’s been dreaming of since his teens. His perfect woman. He played all the games you mentioned in a very short space. Reeling me in & I feel completley head over heels. I feel SO stupid. I have literally been throwing up with the shock of finding out it was all lies & manipulations. I didn’t know I could feel so devastated by such deceit. I thought I was smarter than all that but it appears not. Thank for letting me vent & thank you again for the article.
I am 2 weeks NC with the man I have been with for 6 years. The most intense 6 years of my life. He is the sickest human I have ever met. I had no idea people like him existed making me completely unprepared for the tortuous relationship we had. The extreme anger followed by the silent treatment, constant need for attention from other women, lying, porn addiction, prostitutes, sadomaschist sex fetishist, constant critiscim, judge mental tirades.. Until you have experienced it it is difficult to understand that the crazymaking, pathetic excuse for humans exist. Last time I left him for 8 months and was drawn back in by promises of therapy and working on himself and us and of course here we are again almost 1 year to the day. This will not happen again. I am done. I guess I had to go through this last painful experience to finally get it. He will never be normal, it is not possible to have a happy relationship with him..ever. I am tired of trying to be a good partner to someone who is incapable of understanding or appreciating what it means to love and care for someone, even themselves. I’ve had enough. I needed this lesson to truly appreciate good people, who are open, generous, sweet, loving and kind. He broke down every barrier I ever had and now it’s time to rebuild myself with openness and kindness. I can be thankful for this. They may never recognize their own toxicity but perhaps they are here to help us better understand ourselves. My heart is more open after this experience than before. For me, it has contributed to my self awareness, to face the lies I avoided or told to myself… This is a part of my journey. Peace and love
Waiting to exhale,
I’m living the same journey. This has been a painful lesson for me. I have seen firsthand how anger, negativity, hate and resentment can kill someone’s soul and how much damage can cause to other people around. People that can’t appreciate what they already have and are constantly complaining and criticizing everything, are people incapable of real love. That’s how my ex is. Now I have to learn how to find inner peace and forgive, fill my soul with love and give it to people that will truly appreciate it.
It is very difficult to leave someone, even when you know it is not good for you.
I met a Social Worker who I thought would be a trustworthy person.
He is actually more messed up than any man I have met.
He told me he had access to all kinds of confidential information and told me , he had looked me up. He also told me he went to court unprepared, even though familie’s lifes depended upon him. He said he did it for the rush.
Lastly he stated he allowed a woman to die (she drank herself unconcious), instead of seeking help for her, due to her abusiveness to her child. He plays god.
I am left angry at myself that I would allow myself to listen to this, acceptance I gave him and how I demeaned myself by dating him. It makes me feel ugly inside, and sad that there are people like this in our world.
24 years is enough….torture…plain torture…all about HIM..my whole marriage was a LIe..Dying to get out…I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy…
My story is so sad and heartbreaking cause at first I believed he was sent from God to make up for all the past hurts –
It was a dream come true at first – he was as important as the air I breathed .. I would have easily given my life for his … I loved him beyond any reason or explanation … I showered him with love , affection , gifts , time , energy – I traveled the world crossed oceans to spend weeks with him at a time leaving behind my children , my work … I lived with his moodiness .. His depression .. His hot and cold on and off and I sacrificed and showed patience , acceptance and never gave up on him … When things were good I was his queen .. He professed his love , adoration , endless affection when on his turf with no one else to take my time and attention it was pure magic – I fed him now what I understand was Narcissistic Supply and he doted and worshiped me …in time I did the impossible to bring him to the states so we could be together forever … He was here 6 weeks and became a monster – screaming , raging , angry at nothing , he became violent and scared my children .. He openly humiliated me in front of my family , coworkers .. He tried to isolate me from everyone .. He followed me around like a puppy dog – going from extreme codependent to extreme rage and then sobbing like a baby saying I hurt him …he held me hostage in my room not allowing me out of his sight … Screamed and raged than hitting himself when angry – he scared the life out of me … I could not believe this was happening and did anything and everything to keep him calm … In the end between his paranoia and jealousy and violence ( tried to jump out of my car in extreme rage when he overheard my possibly planning to see my friends for dinner ) and so many other events he left and went back to his country …. He sobbed uncontrollably when leaving and begged me to forgive him and follow him back to his country – we would live there and all will be like before …I tried to forgive him – made excuses for his behavior – I loved him I really believed the real him was somewhere in there and if I just loved and gave enough he would come back to me… From 6 thousand miles away his abuse continued – his controlling my world – my wardrobe , my time sign friends … And I allowed it … I was so hooked on the old him I allowed him to treat me like dirt – disrespect me and then finally when I could take no more of his orders – when I stood up for myself – he dumped me like I was nobody – nothing – I am shattered – shell shocked and trying to pick up the pieces of my life … I am exhausted and yet I still miss him … Miss the old him who I now know never existed … I am grieving and need answers from him I will never get ….I am so weak and vulnerable.
The cycle of him devaluing me, controlling me, raging at me and then discarding me has happened at least 6 times in the last 4 months and I kept going back. I even made one last trip overseas to spend a week with him to see if we could work things out. It was a complete honeymoon and I believed I could work around his issues but as soon as I returned and had to focus on my job and children he flipped out and said I have no time for him and he wanted a woman who worshipped him…. once again he dumped me and then came back to me and apologized and I once again stupidly let him back in my life but this time my punishment was that he wanted me to end my friendships with two friends I have known for 20 years and considered them family. He wanted me to put him on speaker phone and let him listen while I told them I can no longer be friends with them because I choose him over them.
At this point I lost it and said I would not do it I would not be cruel to people who never hurt me so he dumped me again.
To say I am traumatized is nothing , I am empty , exhausted and humiliated that I allowed this to go one for so long and yet I still mourn and grieve for the one I fell in love with. How in God’s name will I ever
heal and learn to trust again and most of all be strong enough to resist if he ever comes back and acts human.
Ladies been there and done one too many emotionally unavailable men myself… Yes it hurts, yes it is unfair and yes none of us deserved what these men gave us…. Alas we did allow it, we did invite these men into our lives, we did allow them to treat us badly and we didn’t opt out when we should have walked away…. Ladies stop looking at their behaviour… Stop making your hurt and pain about them… Let them go and stop giving them anymore of your focus, your attention or your energy…. They came into your life to show you and to teach you that you need to love yourself more…. The answer is work on yourself… Love yourself… Have boundaries, look at your self esteem… Value self, validate self, learn to be responsible and accountable for yourself…. And stay away from dating until you can date from a healthy self loving place…. There are no victims or villains in this world, if you choose to be a survivor, you live you learn, you love you learn, you hurt you learn…. Stop blaming other people for your own unhappiness you are giving them way too much power and way too much credit!! You are in the drivers seat of your own life, you choose what next and you also choose how much and how long you are going to let another human being keep you in a bad place feeling like shite….
“They came into your life to show you and to teach you that you need to love yourself more…. The answer is work on yourself… Love yourself… Have boundaries, look at your self esteem… Value self, validate self, learn to be responsible and accountable for yourself…. And stay away from dating until you can date from a healthy self loving place…. There are no victims or villains in this world, if you choose to be a survivor, you live you learn, you love you learn, you hurt you learn…. Stop blaming other people for your own unhappiness you are giving them way too much power and way too much credit!!”
THANK YOU, that’s exactly what has been going through my mind recently…
I was with a narcissist for a few months, I didn’t realize the red flags at first. he came on strong said I was the love of his life and he never met someone like me before, promised he’s never hurt me. Then he dropped a bomb on me and said he lost feelings. We came back said he didn’t want to give up, we saw each other one day and he was very affectionate and then 3 days later he said he met someone else, and then later said he lied so I would leave him alone and that he lost feeling and doesn’t want to be with me. It was quite the rollercoaster with him. There is more that he had said and done as well….I recently saw him on the same dating site I am on and he added me as a favourite, his way of trying to mess with my head again. The worst part is that just because they do this to us and other people, we still love them and they become and addiction after they leave.We struggle with trying to understand why and how and how could he have said all of those things. It has been hard to just walk away and move on. I stalk his FB page, his dating profile, anywhere I can find him. It has been exhausting and emotionally painful and stressful.
I can literally check off each of the items listed. I’m crying as I read this because I feel so stupid and I’m still so raw from the experience.
About a year ago, when I discovered he was a Narcissist, I told him. He was very angry about it and of course played it off like I was the crazy one. Several times I have commented to him, “I wonder what your grandfather would have diagnosed you with?” His grandfather was a psychiatrist and died very young. This seems to be the only statement that really gets to him.
If I know he’s a narcissist, and I’m in so much pain, why do I want him in my life?
I’m usually the one to leave, but I always go back to him. I want to believe he can change. That he will finally be who he tells me he is, even though I know he’s not been able to do it thus far. Why do I do this?
De: Read my two blogs on Trauma Bonds and the one entitled Are you mistaking intensity for intimacy.
If YOU have seen him boohoo and cry in his beer, more times than a “normal” person would,RUN as far and as fast as you possibly can! He has put in the “hook” and is trying to reel you in. Working on emotion as.most women do!! He uses it to his advantage. I only recently figured out and.could “Label” his mental illness, besides bi-polarism! This man has sucked the life out of me. Run!! One red flag leads to two!! Do NOT ignore those red flags!!
This is for Libby…yes most of them do have bad pasts and have been emotionally abused. Mine was by his father and his ex gf had cheated on him several times. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic. Was in jail a few times too for assault, etc. I am still in love with him and I it has been very hard. I understand what you’re going through
HI, thanks so much for this article. It has helped me understand what I went through with my Ex. What I”m finding really difficult is the fact that he has a new gf,who looks like a narcissist too, and they look blissfully happy together. I guess I’m struggling with the fact he moved on quickly (fortunately to someone just as vain and self absorbed from the looks), yet here I am mourning a fake relationship and wanting to meet someone again. Friends said look him up in six months or so and it will be over with her, bc that’s his character, but actually it’s a year now and they are still together. Maybe two ns together work. It annoys me he has found rl happiness and I haven’t.
yep…i know this guy X’s 2.
I posted on a different page as well, but in this article couldn’t pass up the following “… if abandoned at this early stage the Narcissist will become depressed, stuck and fixated on his lost target.”
In my last relationship the final way he drew me in and broke through my barriers was by describing the devastation wrought on him by has last girlfriend. He indicated that he had recently realized that he had never gotten over their breakup (yes, this was after we had gone through two evolutions of our experience and I was pretty devastated by the revelation). He described himself as having recently considered suicide. He indicated that he had some friends in his life that he considered sweet, kind and gentle – including me in that group – who had helped him and continued to do so. I encouraged him to start seeing a therapist and told him I’d be there for him. And I let him past my guard – again.
The relationship with the previous girlfriend? He had known and dated her for three months, he described himself as being in love with her and doing everything he could to win her affection but being unsuccessful as she had never trusted him for unknown reasons and in the end walked away with no explanation. I had thought the previous relationship was three months prior to our meeting, but when I questioned him specifically about it found that it had ended between 2 and 4 weeks prior to when we’d met. Since he and I had been together on and off for the previous 7 months – four longer than he’d even known her – and he was still fixated I believe the description from the article that I quote in my first paragraph is 100% him and describes the experience I had as the replacement supply to a T.
I’m going through it too and I feel like dying. I’ll never recover from the narc I’m with. Try to get help online and by reading. I’ve tried but it doesn’t help. I love him and he has destroyed my life. I was happy before him. They are professionals.
I have never met a narcissist before-but I have now!I am brokenhearted over him along with stressed out, extremely hurt and feel like I must the stupidest woman alive.The sad part is I really feel in love with him and we had so much fun when we were together. One day he just decided it was over after a beautiful evening together. These guys have issues with alchol and drug addiction because they have deep mental issues that I dont think they can solve. They are products of mental illness and shame.They just look good and have charm.It is extremely sad to see the way they treat their body and soul.Everything you have described is right to the letter! I am in shock as I felt love when we were together. I thought when he dissappeared he was just brooding and thining in his cave like men do. Will I ever get over this huge hood wink? Tell me?
I’m almost 100% certain that guy (described above) is indeed a huge N. He texted and called very frequently the week after our first date, and was quick to set up a second date which involved dinner at his house. Yes, this struck me as too forward, but I guess I got carried away as he was certainly impressive. So many narcissist “red flags” revealed themselves during the evening. He had a dozen or so photos of himself with politicians and business leaders, and did not waste time in pointing them out. I am no stranger to successful men, but in the past have dated men who were successful but more humble and low key. As on our first date, I cannot recall him asking any questions about me. When I said something about myself, he quickly changed the subject to HIM. In conversation, he set out to charm me with over the top praise and compliments which were premature as we had met a week before (“I have not met anyone like you….”), and impress me with dropped names. As would be expected he was pushy about sleeping together, and put off that I was not interested in seeing him during the weekend. A few days of silence went by until I received a passive aggressive text message which I deleted immediately, and I have moved on. Sayonara Mr. Narcissist!
I’m afraid I married one..48yrs. ago just a kid of 16 who knew. Just because you have been married for a long time doesn’t mean you have a good marriage. At my age it’s convenience. I should have gotten out of this marriage yrs ago. Have 4 kids and he never cheated. My parents were divorced when I was young and didn’t have a father in my life. I didn’t want that for my kids so I stayed..If I could just live my life over I wouldn’t make that mistake again. If you see the signs get out while you can or you will be miserable the rest of your life.
I now know I live with one for 27 years…2 child, one getting ready to graduate from college 2014 and one getting ready to start high school 2014 (9th). Do I stay or leave? Help!
Ok, I finally have some company. Thank you. 30yrs, 28 married. She has drawn her supply from our daughters. Now that the second went to college, she found someone else. Two weeks after college started she asked me for a divorce. She had this all planned and set up. I’ve been devastated. Get out now. Remember, they are incapable of really loving. At 19 she was my first everything. I’ve never known any different. Her favorite saying is “marry them young and raise them yourself”. She is 2 yrs older than me. She raised me as her slave. No self esteem, no self confidence, no ability to enjoy anything without her, no hobbies or interests; and the list goes on. Once the supply of playing house and mommy (model family everyone loved and admired) ended, she went looking for someone else. I’m so destroyed I feel like I’m starting over at 19, in a 50yr old body with massive health and mental problems. She stole my prime years. I just hope for some serious karma.
Thanks for sharing. I’m not alone.
“He is obsessed with either his intellect or his body” – or both, in the case of the N I was involved with.
“He talks constantly about his abilities and skills” – Yep. About his athletic prowess, marksmanship, grades, supervisors complimenting him at work. And yes, everyone he worked with were “idiots”. Outside of work, he seemed to intentionally surround himself with “friends” who were a significantly lower status and intelligence level, and would constantly point out their issues to me. He did not seem to have friends who were on his level, at least not locally. Now that I know he is an N, I totally understand why.
“He is extremely jealous and envious of others”- while this trait is usually well hidden, I noticed thinly veiled jealously via sarcastic comments
“He relies on lazy communication” – lots of texting and less emphasis on talking. Allowed him to manage expectations and avoid any depth.
Returning here to re-evaluate and reread the blog entry, and my comment. I’ve met a man who is unbelievably into me after just one very good date, and I’m a little scared he might be a N. He’s very charming, handsome and successful. I know I am great but I can’t help but wonder if I might be on the verge of involvement with another N! Any advice on how to suss out a N in the very early dating stages? He did talk a lot about himself on the first date, not sure if it was just nerves on his part, or actually a red flag. I have to keep reminding myself about what I’ve learned about Ns!
We have to be careful not to paint everyone with the Narcissist brush. You probably already know the signs to look for. Most ‘normal’ men are slow to tip their hands in terms of their feelings, while Narcissists are quick to put you on a pedestal. Watch out for immediate over the top praise – lines like you’re an angel or you’re the best, or I’ve never met anyone like you…..and behaviors like constant contact right off the bat, wanting to see you and know your whereabouts, but mostly you have to learn to trust yourself. Time will tell – just trust your instincts and if it doesn’t feel right – walk.
I was with one for almost 4 years. He will be my ex husband soon since I filed for divorce this March. No contact is better. He uses church all the time and the bible. He abused me if I was in the way with his pornography, prostitution, strip clubs, online dating and womanizing. I dont know as to how many mistresses he had while we were married but he is now with someone younger who looks like his daughter. She will be his next third wife. He met his match.
This text is worth everyone’s attention. How can I find out more?
I like the efforts you have put in this, thankyou for all the great blog posts.
Narcissists are chameleons. They will do and say whatever they have to,to obtain their supply. Many can quote the bible and even go to church. All of it is a manipulation tactic – they key is to notice the difference between someone that just talks the talk and someone that actually walks the walk of spirituality.
I totally agree they can quote the bible and go to church. Or like in my case be the church priest. I would of NEVER imagined, A true devil in disguise.
sav its good , could you try to explain to women about using spirituality ,and wichcraft to use to win the woman over , and keep her there in the relationship