When I met my long-term Narcissist I was in my mid to late 20’s and after receiving my University degree I landed a job with the Government. My Narcissist, a high-school drop-out, was working in retail and didn’t have any aspirations for better.
I wanted better for him. I wanted better for us, so I went on a crusade to get him a better job. I wrote resumes and cover letters. I searched and searched until I found jobs he could apply for. Many of them required College degrees and I remember thinking, “I wish I could give him mine. He needs it more than I do.” And believe me if it was possible, I would have given it to him.
I showed him how get into a University course for mature students, that would help him get in without having to finish high-school. When he got the first assignment, I remember reading the first book and doing the assignment for him because I knew he wouldn’t do it. I insisted he do the next one and low and behold he didn’t, so he dropped out. I eventually got him into my department in the government. I spoke to the recruiting team. I helped him with the questions they would ask and the test he would have to take. He was fully prepared and with my help, he got the job.
He then moved laterally into another department. There he met the well-respected head of the HR department. She was making six figures and was married with children. She fell pretty quick for his good looks and superficial charm and she was that sympathetic shoulder for him to cry on, as he regaled stories of all the ways I was to blame for what was wrong in his life. She helped him advance into positions he had no business getting. Now he is the CFO for a company in the private sector – all without the proper education, experience or credentials.
****
I had a client from Europe who had a Ph.D. in Anthropology. She was doing field work in Africa and met a young man. She helped him obtain entrance to her University back home and a student visa to her country. She supported him through school and even influenced her colleagues to allow him entrance into the graduate program. She did his research for him, helped him write papers and study for exams. She followed the same procedures all the way through grad school, all the way to his Ph.D. thesis.
Once he got his credentials, the relationship fizzled and he left her for another woman.
****
I hear stories like this all the time and the question that inevitably follows – How could he/she do that to me after everything I’ve done for them?
Not only do they feel devastated from the breakup, but they feel like a fool – duped and betrayed, as if there was a breaking of an unspoken agreement – I do this for you and then you do this for me. And when that doesn’t pan out (it never does) – there’s a huge sense of injustice and unfairness that’s hard to swallow.
Care taking is a term used in Codependency circles. It’s the name given to a behavior of a Codependent who tries to control their relationship by over-doing and over-giving. It’s meant to say to their emotionally abusive partners – see look how much I do for you – look how much you need me – no one else will do this much for you, so you have to stay with me. Somewhere in the back of their minds, they believe that their partner will understand and acknowledge that there is a debt owed and that that will somehow compel them to stay and be grateful. They forget all the examples of selfishness their partner has displayed throughout the relationship. They forget that their partner lacks empathy and they forget that their partner feels entitled to everything they’ve been given. To a Narcissist a quid pro quo only works one way – if they do something for you – you owe them and they expect you to fulfill your end of the bargain, but if you do something for them with the same expectation – well it sucks to be you.
The narcissist’s recipe usually looks something like this:
You do for me = your usefulness is over and I’m on my way out the door, on the look-out for my next opportunity. To forget that they are opportunists is to forget their true nature.
Don’t expect a Narcissist to think about you. Don’t expect them to feel indebted and don’t expect them to appreciate your efforts. Entitlement, selfishness, manipulation is their hallmark. They may say the words, but as always, with a manipulator, actions always speak louder.
When you do for others what they will not do for themselves or for you, it’s a recipe for disaster. Before you jump head first into making someone else’s life better, you need to stop and ask yourself:
- Is this helping good for the person you’re helping – are you enabling, are you overdoing, are you removing consequences that they should be experiencing? Are you trying to change someone into someone you want them to be?
- What are your motives? Are you Care taking? Are you trying to control them and your relationship through what you do for them?
- Is there reciprocity in your relationship? Do they do for you in an equal or better way?
- Is this good for you? Would your energy be better spent focusing on your own goals? Are you focusing on them because you don’t want to look at yourself?
- Are you doing this for someone who can do for themselves? Think about how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll quickly realize that people will not change because you want them to or because you’ve done all the work for them. They only change because they want to. Let people be who they are and if it isn’t what you want then you walk away. If this continues to be a habit in your relationship you can expect more of the same – of you doing everything and your partner doing little to nothing.
Your Comments!!!!!!
Do you need to talk? Click here to find out how you can Skype with Savannah.
I think I fell prey to a narcissistic romance scam just recently & feel pretty stupid…I generally operate wth all cylinders firing in my intelligent brain, but this person caught me at a vulnerable time in my life, as I had just had should surgery & subsequently, within 2 yrs. also had to have total hip replacement.
I will never allow another human being to have such ‘control’ of my emotions, mind nor financials as I did in this case! I sense I was very vulnerable during these past 2 yrs.,, and a scammer romanced me till I helped him with funds for a ‘so-called’ package he was receiving!
It turned out to be a scam, and now I feel like I have actually ‘set myself’ back by the things I did to facilitate his taking advantage of me during a frail time in my life!
I am a giving person, and empathic to others needs/wants & I feel this has left me open to bad, evil people in this world to take advantage of my God-given goodness!
I am sad & remorseful that I literally had the cops at my house today as I filled out a scam police report!..I need to forgive myself somehow….otherwise, this will continue to harm me inside my heart, soul ^ mind….
Savannah, excellent article, as always! Such great reminders of who the narcissist really is…after years of understanding who he was/is–it is still unsettling. Opportunist to the core–and all of those other things… blech!
I love the way you clarify the foggy doubts in my mind. Always timely and so relevant.
How did you know? This information is exactly what I needed. I have 2 adult narcissists in my life and I thought I was doing all those things because I love them. I know I have done it so they will show me love, it has never worked for me. Your message is just what I needed. I know it will not be easy, but I will give it my best shot. Can narcissism be genetic?
Another aspect to the Narcissist, Savannah, as you surely know well, is his angry/controlling mindset. I say “his” because that’s my experience and I’ve met precious few men describing anything about their (supposed) wives or GFs. Or, if they do, I’m intuitively suspicious. I urge all women to read “Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men,” by Lundy Bancroft. Mr. Bancroft is a therapist whose last 15 yrs have specialized in domestic abuse and working with abusive men. His perspective is yankingly on track. A friend gave me a copy. As I started reading it I thought I’d highlight the parts that I personally connected with. I quickly realized that I’d be highlighting the entire book…
Another thought all women need to ink on their palms daily is the reminder I use: Stop wasting your precious time “othering.” Spend it on you!
Thank you for all your essays! You’re encouragement has kept me safe & sane for the past 5 years!! Keep your voice out here!
Hey Savannah:
Good one! You are so knowledgeable!
I read your blog every time it comes out.
Sandy C.
Wonderful article. Spells it out exact;y as it is. Thank you, again,for all you do.
As always, you hit the nail on the head. Thanks so much for your guidance.