
Losing one’s self in a relationship means willfully shedding your own identity, desires and personal goals and instead becoming consumed with the relationship and the needs and desires of the other person in that relationship. This is a common practice for most Codependents.
What it really means is that we place more value on our partner and our partner’s happiness than we do our own. The relationship becomes the center of our universe. We stop being who we are or who we think we are and become malleable and inappropriately agreeable just to keep them happy.
Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or the relationship is relatively new, with both types you’re hoping for the same thing – to be chosen by your partner.
A Codependent in a long-term relationship may think their partner isn’t going anywhere, but they are far from feeling happy and secure. They maintain a hope that their partner will change and that they will eventually receive the love and external gratification they crave. With a newer relationship the target is love bombed by the emotional manipulator. The relationship moves very quickly, with the primary goal of the Narcissist, being the attainment of your affection. Once they know they have you, the hot and cold game begins and this is where a Codependent gets stuck and their old programming kicks in.
A codependent aims to please. They yearn to be loved and they need to be needed. It’s how they gain their worth – through what they can give, or do for another. Oftentimes the behavior of a codependent is baffling even to themselves. Early on they learned that their wants and needs weren’t as important as those of the ones they were closest to. They understood that to even have a chance at being loved they’d have to do more, be more and give more, t hat being themselves just wasn’t good enough. They’ve learned to become other person focused and self-sacrificing, because that’s the behavior that was rewarded or at least not punished in early childhood.
The process is aided by the self-aggrandizing behaviors of the Narcissistic partner. In order for them to feel superior they have to render their partner inferior. They dangle what they know you want most, a real, loving relationship, and the relationship starts to resemble Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football. There are a lot of promises, but you always land flat on your back. If you’d only do X, Y and Z then and only then could you have the relationship that you crave. But even if you accomplish X, Y and Z, your efforts will never be enough and there will always be more hoops for you to jump through, which fits in nicely with the Codependents belief that they are not good enough. This belief fuels the Codependent to try harder. “If I can convince you that I’m worthy then I’ll believe it myself and so will everyone else,” the codependent thinks.
What happens in this dynamic is that the codependent becomes consumed with being chosen and validated by their abuser. This obsession leads them to
- Ignore obvious red flags or signs of abuse
- Display no semblance of boundaries or limits
- Give way too much without appropriate reciprocity
- Ignore or stifle their own feelings of anger and disappointment out of fear their abuser will become angry with them or leave
- Feel responsible for their partners feelings and behaviors
The codependent notices that the attention and admiration they received in the beginning has waned and rather than judging their partner’s behavior as dysfunctional they internalize it and take responsibility for it, thus, they try harder and harder to elicit the return of their abuser’s earlier affection. They are too preoccupied with being chosen and appearing affable that they stop paying attention to what’s really going on, nor do they recognize the beating their self-esteem is taking.
When someone’s behavior blows hot and cold – You have the right to ask questions. You have the right to expect to be treated with respect. If something is legitimately wrong in their life and they are a little withdrawn, I’d give it another shot, but you deserve answers, not attitude. If you keep seeing the same hot and cold behavior… do not pursue them, do not make or seek out excuses for them, do not internalize their behavior or take ownership of it. You have the right to be treated with kindness. If they continue the behavior, end the relationship and don’t keep questioning your decision.
If your partner is insulting, belittling or humiliating you – End it immediately. There is never any occasion in which this behavior is acceptable. “I was only joking,” isn’t an acceptable excuse. People do this to make you feel small, so that they themselves can feel superior. That’s the only reason. They’re testing you and your boundaries. Dysfunctional people do this. Walk.
If your partner gets mad when you express your concern or displeasure over their behavior – They are usually trying to hide something. People that have nothing to hide – hide nothing. Those that are trying to pull one over on you will project – blame you for doing what they’re doing, insult you or blame you, bring up issues from the past where you were at fault, yell, scream or rage– all in an effort to deflect and take the focus off of them and place it on you. You’re allowed to get upset or angry when you don’t like something. You’re allowed to express yourself. You’re allowed to be heard. If you always have to be happy and agreeable in your relationship to keep your partner happy and present, you’re not in a relationship, you’re in a prison and you need to get out.
Codependents coast into relationships like these because they feel natural. They are used to feeling doubt and taking blame. When I talk to my clients, the amount of uncertainty they express is alarming. They aren’t sure if they’re interpreting things correctly and they aren’t sure if they’re allowed to feel what they’re feeling, or think what they’re thinking. They don’t feel confident asking for what they deserve, nor do they feel comfortable being assertive in their relationships. There is a tendency to seek out permission and approval before making a drastic move, like ending the relationship. The Codependent has no reference for what appropriate relationship behavior looks like. They know they don’t feel good, they know their partner’s behavior is wrong, but they get immobilized by confusion and uncertainty and seem to be unaware of what behaviors constitute what consequences.
It’s important that Codependents always be mindful of what they are thinking and feeling. Often their automatic response system is faulty and in need of new programing. When you are evaluating your partner’s behavior, don’t allow yourself to fall into old patterns – don’t shrug it off as nothing, don’t make molehills out of mountains. Challenge what you are thinking and feeling – practice doing this constantly and know that you have a right to your feelings – you have a right to be heard and a right to be respected. If you are getting yelled at, or attitude, or being called names, that tells you all you need to know about your partner and your relationship.
Practice being self-focused, not other person focused. That doesn’t mean you’re being selfish. It means you keep asking questions like, “Is this good for me?” Or, “Does this make me feel good?” You have every right to be happy and do things that are good for you. You don’t need anyone’s permission to end a relationship when it’s not right for you. It’s enough that you recognize it’s not for you.
If you see yourself jumping through hoops, handing over your hard earned resources, accepting disrespectful treatment, being overly agreeable so you don’t upset your partner – you know you’re in the middle of something that is detrimental to your wellbeing and your wellbeing is your responsibility. If it doesn’t feel good, give yourself permission to act in your best interest and walk away. If you need a reminder, buy yourself some decorative pillows like the one above.
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Lord I needed to hear this! He told me that’s why no one loves you. What was I thinking.
Is it possible for someone to be a “broken down” and a “narc” too? Was woth someone for 6 years and he definitely fits the “broken down” description. Drug and alcohol addict, can’t keep a job, depends on women to take care of him, etc. But he also fits some of the “narc” description. Lied about every little thing, manipulative, user, cared only about himself, etc.
Maybe a dug/alcohol addict fits into the “narc” description due to the addiction?
IDK. I just know I finally had enough and told him to kick rocks. But it’s only been a few months and he still tries to contact me. I usually ignore him but we got into today via fb messenger so now I’m irritated.
Did it to myself though.
Mindy check the DSM Narcissistic Personality Disorder criteria. A person needs 5 of 9 symptoms to potentially be diagnosed as having NPD.
Savannah, you saved my life a couple of years ago with these posts and every now and again, even two years after finally breaking contact with my abuser who belittled and cheated and deliberately robbed me of all my self-confidence, it still does me good to read your posts. This one has everything in it. It’s a reminder. Sometimes, the hold that subtle monster had on me was very strong and I occasionally find myself wondering if it was me imagining things. It wasn’t and I would urge anyone who is imprisoned in a relationship like mine was, to break free. I am now restored to my strong, independent and lovely self! Thanks Savannah!
Lol, Savannah. I’ve thought about it many times. Just can’t bring myself to do it. I find it very difficult to talk about myself. I’m great talking to other people about their problems. Classic codependent!
Savannah, I met my narcissist 8 years ago after my husband of many years who I thought was my best friend cheated on me. I desperately wanted to be loved. I was so attracted to this man but after he moved in he soon began to devalue me. In the beginning I thought we were soulmates and he professed his love and admiration for me. I couldn’t understand the changes in his behavior. We have broken up and gotten back together three times. I am finally done with him but I feel so damaged still after 2 1/2 years I don’t know if I can ever be in another relationship. I want a relationship but I’m afraid and don’t feel worthy. I hate the idea of being alone for the rest of my life but I feel it’s inevitable. I’m strong in other areas of my life but find myself becoming reclusive and don’t know if I can change. My father was a narcissist and I always thought that was the last thing I would be with. My ex will still text me at random times and I don’t feel tempted, just angry. He has no remorse and always tries to act like I should just forget and not be bitter. The one time I responded I regretted it. I was angry and he shot back with a low blow. Can’t say I’m surprised. I think I need counseling but can’t find anyone who sounds good that is accepting new patients. I wonder if I should move on and stop dwelling on it. I’m just confused.
Layla if there was only someone who was really knowledgeable about the subject matter, who saw/Skyped with clients on a daily basis. Hmmmmmmmm….who comes to mind? Let me think…..Hmmmmmm…Shameless self-promotion. Lol.
Thanks for another on-point article Savannah. You did it again and described all the things a Codependent needs to always be on alert for. I sure wish I would have had this info when I was in my teens and first started hooking up with Narcs. My life would be so different today, but I am soo much better now than I was in January of this year when I first discovered your blog. You really know your shit! Thanks!
Thank you for this article. I have read your site and articles avidly. I split with covert narc a year ago after a near nuclear winter of a cold spell and no contact since. I have struggled to put myself back together since then. Your article outlines perfectly what happened to me and without criticism. Thank you! I have been baffled by what I allowed and see now the near total fog of confusion I was in and the damage it did. I was constantly exhasutingly seeking approval and permission to end the relationship even. I am seeing a therapist now for relationship trauma as the relationship mirrored childhood experience. In fact my N made sure it did because he learnt my triggers. He is long gone and now that I have help, I am installing the inner resources I need to be able to listen to myself and act on what I find and I am beginning to feel safe at long last! 🙂 The therapy is called Inner Systems. It is hard work but it is working and I see the future again at last.
Hi Savannah,
I recently dumped a Narcissist and told him that I never really loved him, it was Stockholm syndrome. I feel like I’ve caused the ultimate Narcissistic Injury because he’s been texting me incessantly, saying that I lied to him all these years, that he feels his whole life has been a lie, he feels cheated.
What should I do? Should I explain to him that the person I had feelings for never existed? I don’t want to be stalked or harassed by him. I am concerned about my safety.
Anyone else who has any advice, please do so. Thank you.
Very clear article, thank you so much. I do have a question though: how long can this stage of ‘love bombing’last? Can it also last a couple of years? I had that, 4 years of bliss, until we moved to my country, after the birth of our daughter, when the devaluation started. As he said: now you are pregnant, I will no longer be number 1.
It is a very useful article, I have read a lot about this subject, but to have you list the red flags like this is of great help. I will put it on my fridge, as I am now sometimes doubting my decision to end my marriage with him (he moved out three months ago)
Man did this ring home. My narcissist insist wife came home late last night. This morning she walked fast past me in her robe with no underwear so I could smell that she had sex with somebody else last. Kinda like rubbing your nose in it. Figuring out an exit plan.
Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed today.
If I ever got the guts to enter another relationship, I’m going to read this each week I’m with this new person so I can stay honest to myself. This article is vital.
Well I’ve been writing here for almost a year. I love your articles it feel like you are inside my relationship or whatever it is. My narcissist has left me 37 times in 3 years. I don’t know how to stop this. As you can see the problem is now me. I consider myself a logical person. I give great advice. I understand the problem. I read self help books. I journal. I have great friends that offer me a support system. Yet I find myself always believing not being able to not fall back in. I want to finally say this is it no more abuse. I believe it everytime he leaves. Yet I fall back in. Each times it’s getting worse and worse. More and more demeaning. I have lost all my self respect. I just want peace in my head and in my heart again. Thank you Savannah your posts allow me to see myself and I hope to be able to say I never went back. I need strength.
This article hits me right on target. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I need encouragement and support, as I live alone with my spouse, and I tend to bottle stuff up to avoid too much jibber jabber. We’re doing well, it’s just these triggers as we get closer and more intimate.
Thankyou Savannah once again for this blog. I left my narc beginning of June this year, after 9 years of everything you have mentioned. This is the 2nd time we have separated. I just couldn’t give her up. I would have done anything to try to fight for us and show her how much I love her and we could make it work again.
This time however, because I actually was the one to walk out after 2weeks of abuse over something that wasn’t my fault. As soon as I left I felt guilty and if it wasn’t for my family and friends I would have walked straight back to her.
Since then she went straight onto the internet and found herself another woman and has been throwing it in my face ever since. As you can probably tell I am not very good with the “no contact”. We have been together twice since she has been with this new girl. I told that she was cheating on her with me but she just ignored it. She has now morphed herself into this bushwalking outdoorsy type like the new girlfriend.
I don’t know what to do, I should not even want this woman around me after what she has done to me over the years both physically and mentally but the addiction to her is killing me. I will try the “no contact” again, God I hope it works this time. Thanks again Savannah for bringing the codependancy to light. These people truly do strip you of your self esteem your energy and your happiness. It drives you crazy even though we aren’t crazy you believe what this person that you love so much has ground into you for so long.
My red flag is explaining. As soon as I realized I was explaining why I was feeling or deciding in a way that was different or unacceptable to my Ex then I knew. I knew I was trapped in a codependent response. My Ex would erupt in howls of rage whenever I disagreed. I didn’t recognize this at first. I was so convinced I was the problem! It was something I did or said or believed–not him. Eventually I realized that he never said anything supportive or congratulatory but a rare “thanks.” After 25 years of marriage I gathered the guts to divorce him. I am now experiencing something I haven’t felt in years– I’m happy! Codep doesn’t stop once a Narc is out of your life. The imprint faces me everywhere. I now wear a rubber band around my wrist. When I feel my Codep self stepping in, I snap it. Wakes me up to the present and the real, that I’m still fragile and recovering. I’m 62 years today—and I hope a few more years of recovery will allow all of my good, true self to emerge! Thanks Savannah for all your counsel…I’m on the road to balance at long last!!!
Yes yes and yes. Core stuff for me. You hit on something I have come to understand very clearly as a crucial aspect of my codependent personality: the crushing uncertainty over what I am experiencing, what I am feeling. Especially in the past but even sometimes today I ask myself “am I angry about that? Am I feeling hurt by something?” It’s infinitely easier for me to see that other people are angry or hurt than it is to see it in myself.
Why? Childhood. Not only were my feelings not validated, they were punished or ignored. “I’ll give you something to cry about”, “look at the little baby, crying over nothing,” etc — these were very common statements in my household. I was hit for having feelings so no wonder I learned to not feel them and doubt them.
So I’ve had to learn to “reparent” myself. I’ll say “if I were allowed to feel anything I wanted to right now, what would I feel?” Or “if I were talking to me right now what would I say this other person was feeling?” And when something does come up, I give myself full and complete permission to feel it as much as I want for as long as I want. (This doesn’t mean I act on my feelings right away: that’s a separate issue.)
I was lost in a fog of confusion when in “relationship” with my narcissist. But she helped me push through this enormous resistance I had to my own feelings. She was such an a**hole even I could feel my anger. And then I went back and saw how my uncertainty and confusion led me to put up with her for as long as I did.
Now I keep the focus on myself.
Hurtin Cowboy
The whole hot and cold thing is a big red flag, as healthy people don’t continually engage in this behavior. It’s one thing to be down for a while and need some alone time, but it’s another thing entirely when that person goes from responding and engaging with you in the beginning, to ignoring you or giving very little effort.
My covert narc friend was ‘hot’ in the beginning–always wanting to share ideas, talk, discuss, laugh, etc. to then turning around and claiming he felt ‘unemotive’. That was his word.
Once he felt ‘unemotive’ he was never like he was in the beginning, and he stayed that way for years. His ‘hot’ moments would then be equal to crumb throwing, just to keep me on board.
I remember thinking, ‘Why does he treat this friendship like he has one foot on the boat and another on the dock’? I wish I’d known of this disorder and had read articles as these back then b/c even though I didn’t know specifically, I instinctively knew something was very wrong with him.
The part where you discuss the dangling is what he used to do, and what kept me hanging for so long. No hoop was good enough for me to jump through, b/c I was always ‘untrustworthy’.
Man did I allow him to erode my self-esteem. It still baffles me why I let him do it.
Perfect timing! I’ve read it through twice. My resolve of no contact was weakening. I ‘think’ I miss him. In reality I miss the love bombing in the beginning. From then on it was criticism, nasty statements, put downs, bullying, silent treatments, hot/cold, stonewalling, exaggerating all the negative things about me, twisting things I shared, etc. But at the time I thought I was the problem and I was just really irritating. Some days my skin crawl because I was so uncomfortable in it. He controlled everything with his moods and I was constantly trying to reach him or get a crumb. I’m so mad. But I’m moving forward and learning about myself. Thank you so much for this site. Laura
Great posting – I got a lot out of it. I have a pet peeve for spelling though. In the last sentence I decretive should be decorative (pillows).
Wow! I needed this one this morning to remind me that I learned to be a codependent before I was a year old. I got out of a “relationship” {it had no name, except make him happy & never call me your girlfriend},back in APRIL.
New guy has shown an interested and my elderly parent showed that she is the biggest Narcissist, when I said he asked for my number. Don’t ask me if he’s a narcissist;because of my parent I may NEVER get to find out that he is not one.
Help
Parent does not understand that unless a truck runs over me, I have 50 years of life ahead of me………
Great article from start to finish. Will read it any time my resolve weakens with No Contact.
Perfect timing. Thank you Savanah..,
Once again….this is soo good!!! I needed this today. I walked away from a very narcissistic, abusive, dysfunctional, crazy making, soul destroying job in April, and I have not found another job yet. I was starting to doubt myself and question my decision based on the fear of a bad job reference. This wisdom today just further reminded me that I did the right thing and that the right doors will open soon. Its not about if the next employer chooses me, its if I choose them. The reprograming of my subconscious, along with practice, is getting stronger and better daily. Thank You!!
One of the best articles I have ever read and so in tune with once was my emotional state of mind and what I allowed to happen to my life with this evil Narc. I have been practicing healing techniques, no contact and this article is very on point and I will re-read it often to remind myself of what once was and to never let it happen again. Thank you for this great and empowering article!