I went to my brother’s cottage this weekend and I got to spend some quality time with my nephews and niece. We swam and played volleyball and badminton and ran around like children. As we played another game of badminton, my five year old nephew Jacob, who isn’t as agile or coordinated as the rest of us, looked at me and shouted, “Let me win one Auntie.”
“What do I always say?” I asked.
“You gotta earn it.” He answered ritualistically, while rolling his eyes.
“And why does Auntie always say that?”
“Cuz nobody gives you anything in life, you have to stand on your own two feet and do it yourself.”
I explained to him that if I let him win, then his victory wouldn’t mean anything. That there would come a day, that he will beat Auntie at everything and when he does earn his victory, it won’t be a hollow one – it will mean something.
I often pull my brother’s little ones aside and give them Auntie’s words of wisdom. They probably don’t grasp what I’m really trying to tell them, with their young, immature minds, but it’s my hope that they will all grow up feeling valued and loved and that they will grow into good, kind people and live their lives with integrity.
After we were done playing, I sat by myself and stared out at the lake thinking about some of the emails I had received this week that had a similar theme.
One reader emailed me and had listed all the love crimes of her Narcissistic partner, repeated over and over again how her life was a living hell and how she couldn’t cope one more day with him, but she couldn’t leave him, because all her money was tied up in their joint business and she didn’t want to walk away with nothing. She then asked me to come up with a solution for her.
Another challenged me, stating, “I have no money, no job, no relatives or friends to help me get away from him– what am I to do – I bet you can’t solve that one Sav.” Like she was trying to stump me with her problems.
So many readers propose their supposed no-win relationship scenarios and hand them over to me – as if the onus of solving their problems now falls squarely on my shoulders. They’ve already convinced themselves that there’s no way out, so they don’t bother trying and there’s very little anyone can do to change their mindset.
A lot of people talk about change and they want an easy fix, but they don’t want to work for it. They want to take a pill, numb themselves, or have someone else do all the heavy lifting.
Some people aren’t happy and they just like to complain. They have no intention of ever doing anything to improve their situation, they’ve resigned themselves to misery, but somehow they believe that if they complain about it enough, something will magically happen.
To all of those people, I’m going to give you some of Auntie Savannah’s words of wisdom, or in this case some tough love:
This is your life – YOURS. Its success and/or failure, is 100% your responsibility. If you are miserably unhappy, then do something about it – change something, do something. There is no point spending your time complaining if you aren’t prepared to do anything to help yourself. It’s no one else’s job to fix you. It’s no one else’s job to rescue you. You have to rescue yourself – you.
Yes, everyone’s situation is different, some are inarguably complicated, but they all share one common element and that is – that there is always a choice. There is always a way. You’ve all heard the saying, “Where there’s a will there’s a way.” This is what we call a fundamental truth, because we all know if we truly want something badly enough, we will find a way – or make one.
I don’t mind giving advice, but I can’t go over everyone’s individual situation and devise an escape plan. What I can do is give you the formula for change. The rest is up to you. It’s an equation and it’s pretty simple:
Change = A Plan + Action
Devising a plan: If you want to leave your relationship, start thinking about how you can achieve this and what your stumbling blocks will be. Get out a paper and a pen and start figuring things out. Find out how much it will cost you to move out, pay rent, pay your bills, buy groceries and then figure out how much you will need to earn to accomplish that. What kinds of jobs are available. What are you qualified for. Start thinking about it. Start investigating, asking questions and looking into your options.
When you are devising this plan DON’T – that is a capital D – do not, share it with your Narcissist. You know how difficult everyday life is without the threat of leaving, one thing we all know for sure, is that they do not handle rejection well. You don’t know what to expect, so keep your plans to yourself. If you were dealing with a nice, caring, respectful partner and it just wasn’t working out, then I would certainly advocate a deep conversation, which would allow you both to start making separate plans for your futures, but in this case you have to know by now that rather than see you happy and moving on, a Narcissist will make every attempt to stifle your plans. To them you are their possession . They will undermine your efforts. They will insult you, put you down. They will manipulate you. They will threaten. They will disrupt and interfere as much as you let them. Always remember, they don’t want you to succeed – they want you to fail. They are vengeful and truly believe that you don’t have a right to your own life and your own happiness – so tell them nothing.
The next step is to put your plan into action: If money is an issue and you’ve figured out how much your independence will cost you, then polish up that resume, hit the pavement, start making those calls, and going to interviews.
“But Sav I have kids. I’m a stay home mom.” Then start looking after other people’s children, become a mini daycare, or look into starting a home based business – there are millions of ideas and there are even books on home business ideas – investigate. Contact your government about programs and monetary assistance and daycare for single parents.
Once you’ve got your plan be mindful of it every day and keep moving in the direction of your goals. Put one foot in front of the other and with each step, you’ll move closer and closer to your freedom. You will be amazed at how the simple act of creating a plan and putting it into motion will affect you in very positive ways.
This is your life. You decide how this story goes and who the main characters will be. Stop being a spectator and make yours epic.
Your Comments!!!!
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I have been living with an alcoholic for almost 12 years. When he drinks heavy he is abusive and belittles me. sleep in the living room with my little dog. I endured 11 years of stress. He likes to fool people and blames me for all his problems. After reading the article I will be making a plan to leave him.
Great article! Have only begun the process of finding work that can support myself and the children. Fearful, but more hopeful. I have no idea what my life will look like a year from now, but I know that God cannot use me for His glory if I do not “stand on my own two feet” and stop thinking this abuse is normal, will get fixed or disappear, or that we’ll be rescued from it (although Jesus does rescue me daily – from myself). So ready to move forward. Thank you Savannah for your wisdom and strength.
awesome post with great wisdom and advice!
have to admit, ex-narc was right about some things: he told me verbatim that he “wants me to stand on my own two feet”, and “take care of myself so i can take care of him” (the last part of that one confused me a bit).
these are the lessons i feel grateful to take from the nightmare experience and areas in my life that require focus and work.
i acknowledged he was right in pointing those issues out and thanked him. but things were not shaping up fast enough for his preference and i am learning not to take that so personally and go at my own pace in love for who i am and what i have to offer.
Savannah is so right with that one “if there’s a will there’s a way” – to prove this, let me tell you my sister’s story:
When she was 18 she wasn’t happy at home, neither in school. We lived in Transylvania and her future wasn’t very promising so when she met a 30 year old british men and he proposed after three months of dating she said yes. She left education, family and friends behind and moved to England, got pregnant in the first year of marriage then again in the second year, gave birth to two beautiful daughters. Unfortunately she realised early on that prince charming is not that charming after all. He was as abusive as one can be, unfortunately I have been a witness of his abusive nature plenty of times and it was a very hard thing to watch. To make the story even more difficult he got a job offer in Germany and they moved there with the whole family having to start over once more. My sister didn’t have a job neither education, was a full time mom and basically a slave to her husband. He was physically abusive and even more emotionally. What did my sister do? Did she give up? No! Did she complain? Me and my family never heard her complaining, or crying about her situation. Never ever. Instead of that she made a plan. She knew it won’t be easy but she was prepared to do whatever it takes to get out from that hell. She started volunteering in youth clubs and nurseries where my nieces went to. She started studying from home when the little ones gone to bed. She did a degree and gained experience and was the perfect mum at the same time. Was it easy? Not at all! Was it worth it? Absolutely! After 7 years of abusive marriage, 3 years of studying at nights and doing work experience at daytime my sister was finally ready. She started applying for jobs in England and she got an amazing position. She told her husband that she wants a divorce, packed the car, got the kids and left for good. After that everything was on her terms, she was a working mum who was able to give her daughters everything they need and more. She has set the best example for them. She is the bravest, most determined, smartest woman I’ve ever known in this entire universe and she is my absolute hero and idol. So yes… if there’s a will there’s a way!
On September 3, 2014 I vowed to give myself a birthday present to break away from my Narcissistic (MARRIED) boyfriend by 9/23 (my bd). We work together so it made it extremely difficult, but I did it–actually told him 9/4 it was over! He tried to get me back several times. He of course doesn’t realize WHY I would have wanted to break things off because in his mind we had a great relationship. I told him I was miserable, but he didn’t care. After trying repeatedly to explain it, I finally just told him the reason I didn’t want to give him another chance was..”Because I didn’t want to!” He responded that he wished I would give him another chance. I told him I was sure he did, but I wasn’t going to.
I realized that what you said in one of your other articles that the only way for this to work is going totally NC. ANY communication gets him thinking if he could just get his foot in the door, he could woo me back..
Since breaking things off, I’ve taken a trip by myself to see a friend he didn’t even know about, bought a condo, started going out with my friends and began casually dating. There are a lot of really nice guys out there girls…so if you feel you’ll never find someone as great as your N portrays in his acquiring stage, you’re wrong!
I feel SO much better about myself — the fact I’m no longer in an affair is a huge part, but to not feel trapped in something I didn’t THINK I could escape from is so empowering! I go to bed at peace and don’t wake up in the middle of the night crying in frustration at my situation.
It was scary and I can’t say I didn’t miss him…but it gets easier every day and I know that each day I get stronger and know that he can’t EVER get me back!
I am seeing a counselor who is helping me through this transition phase and she is very pleased with how well I’ve done in such a short time.
I am truly glad I came upon this website because it really did open my eyes and help me make the decision to do what I had been afraid to do for two years!
Thanks for this, and all of your other great posts. A plan is key, certainly. I was able to make a plan…fortunately I am away. I suffered a lot of losses along the way…friends, business contacts, social circle, job, etc. In other words, I was completely tied up with my PN for years in every way. I had to do a complete turn around. I am lonely now, honestly, and financially I am only getting by. But, I am alive. And I am not subject to belittlement and abuse every single hour of my life. My one fear is running into him somewhere. It is had been really important to me, too, to cut all ties with people who knows us both. It seems extreme. But I was finding that any time I saw one of these people and his name was even mentioned (or not) I was set back two days in my emotional life, which was having an affect an my overall stability.
One thing I wanted to bring up…you know how hard it is to be in this situation. You are emotionally, physically, mentally run down in every way. The P is your life. It js hard to not tell him things, but you know you finally have to. You reach a point where you have to get out. Sometimes the time comes, though, when you cannot wait another six months. In my situation, for example, he was beginning to beat me and rape me regularly. I was truly at the point of suicide, for my escape plan was still not quite realized. If you have one person, one person at all who you can confide in and trust, risk it. Not the P, but anyone else. It is hard to risk things at this point because you feel so worthless. This person may be sympathetic and able to help you financially as well. I was lucky and had my sister. She talked to me, didn’t judge me, and came up with $5000, which allowed me to move to another town temporarily and be without work for a couple of months. I still have to repay her, but we are much closer now and feel so much better. She has been a Godsend.
There are good people out there. Believe that. The P is a SOB and not worth it. Don’t let him endanger your very existence.
Love and Hugs to all going through this right now.
Great reminder to keep our plans to ourselves. I like the reader’s comment about it taking many months, but continually making forward progress and staying with your plan is key. I definitely have sympathy for everyone in this sticky situation without financial resources or family support, so I will just say a prayer. Lord God, please come to the assistance of these people who see no way out, who are financially, physically, emotionally weak and who have considered death as a way out. Please place benevolent people in their life as they place their plan into action. Please give them ideas, words, inspiration and motivation to do what they have to do, putting one foot in front of the other, day after day. Infuse their bodies and their minds with the strongest possible intention to break free and start over, realizing that the burden WILL lift and their lives WILL become easier once the momentum begins to build. It takes a village and we are all here supporting each other to do what needs to be done in each of our lives so that health can prevail, in our lives and in our relationships. Thanks Savannah, as always. You give us strength.
People who just like to complain and have no intention to change their situation are the absolute worst. I think many of us have been there at some point, feeling that our situation was inescapable or hopeless. It’s not. And this article helps us see that is not. That we are better than that. We have put ourselves in these situations and are the only ones who can get ourselves out.
I know how frustrating it is to be around someone who expects you to solve all their problems, as though bitching about it will magically make it go away.
I had a friend who was guilty of this and things got so bad that I had to end our friendship. He got into a relationship that ruined his life, really, and he is still in it. Complaining about it began consuming his life. I realized that our “friendship” had devolved into him seeking advice about his problems and venting to me, while he had no intention to change anything. I had my own challenges at this time – I had realized that the man I was living with was a Narc and broken down. I left my N and had to pick up the pieces of my life. My friend was a mess and I had to step away.
He is with a woman who sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies and is a total broken down. Even more of a broken down then my Narc was, which I didn’t think was possible.
My friend has a good career and is a hard worker, but he chose to date a total loser. This woman has no job. She is in her late 30s and her sole source of income is a military contract marriage – meaning she married a service member solely for the extra money and health care benefits – and is fine with staying home all day and doing absolutely nothing. She hoards ex boyfriends and he has caught her doing this. He called me crying when he found out she was sending another man risqué photos of herself, which she took on her phone in his bathroom. He walked into a bar and found her having drinks with an ex boyfriend. She even propositioned one of his friends for payment.
What man in his right mind, who respected, loved and cared about himself, would willingly stay with a woman like this? And I thought my line in the sand with my ex Narc was blurry. My friend seems to have NO line or standards, at all.
This friend tried to make his problems everyone’s problems. I told my friend that I got tired of listening to him vent, knowing that he would do nothing about it, and that it was wasting my energy. He called me a bad friend for not wanting to participate in his choices. I had to cut him off.
I miss him sometimes, but my life is so much better without him in it.
Other friends have mentioned that by “abandoning” him, he’ll cling even more to his skank of a girlfriend.
Well, we all have to learn our lessons on our time. He is not ready yet. He does not want to leave. And most importantly, he is a grown-ass man and his problems are not my responsibility.
All you ladies are so right-on. I escaped because I started planning and step by step I got away. One teenager, 3 dogs, and half a farm. Thanks to my being the mother of a teenager, I got the house. Had I been without children, I would have run and been no-contact a lot sooner; having children I haven’t managed the no-contact yet, but I have gotten so much healthier that the contact has changed from being an emotional contact to a business contact, and if he brings up anything about emotions or “us,” I turn my back and walk away. I have gotten over feeling bad for the “poor helpless thing” and used to the idea that he doesn’t get what he wants.
@Kathy – That sounds like great progress. I’m so glad you got out. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been considering you have a child and property together. But you did it! I think your story gives the rest of us strength.
Great one, Savannah. I did not have the issues of shared money, shared children or even a shared home. But … I did not want to feel badly another day about myself or him for that matter. So, I embarked on my own “get better plan”. It was not long before I figured out why it is so hard for people to “leave”, to “get out” to say out. No one wants the achyness associated with a broken heart. I realize now you just sometimes have to “hurt yourself” to get away from someone who treats you badly. I have those days when I wish things had turned out better. I have those days when I wished he had treated me better. He can’t, he won’t. So I am treating me better. I have moved on. I am in full-blown no contact and don’t mind those days when I experience a little achyness. It is much better this way than allowing someone to have control over my emotions. You were so instrumental in my moving on from my experience. Thank you Savannah!
she has lived with him for some time,if she has a joint business then she has money.It may not be much.I dont have money Im on I think its about $80 a week to pay my bills and live in the same house,does my narc pay much as little as possible.I would say to her this:If you have a joint account try taking out small amounts to save,even if its under the floor boards,don’t use banks because statements come to the door,make a decision when she has enough money to move..she will know when in her heart.just enough so he cant see large amounts going out.There is always a way.then once she is out,she can apply for divorce,she will get something…I know i’m there… at this moment in time.She can stick it for a little longer after all she has a reason to stay at the moment Just look at him like a smiling assassin.
Thank you. I needed to know that it’s better not to keep the Narc up to date. I felt bad that i am slowly moving to my goal but not informing the Narc husband that I haven’t quit my desire to separate. I felt bad thinking that I don’t have guts to upset him with discussing further details of the planned separation. He’s soften a bit since I’ve stopped bringing the issue up. He probably thinks that I settled down. It’s been 5 months since I moved permanently into a separate bedroom and he’s never said a beep about it. As if it was normal that married people sleep in separate bedrooms when they get older. Mind you, I love having the bed to myself and sleep way better not putting up with terrible snoring, tossing and turning and there’s no way I would go back even if we for some strange reason got back together.
Anyway, your email and little steps reminder were very timely for me. Though, I left the separating sleeping silently, I’m paying off my debts, watching my spending like a hawk and next month I should be completely debt free. Then I will start working on figuring accommodation for me, my teenager and the dog and one day, I will make the cut. So I hope.
Thanks for this article. I started the process earlier this year to make a plan to leave my long-term narcissist. The most important thing I’ve learned from sites like these is to keep my plans to myself and that is working great.
I’ve hit both easy spots and snags along the way. I’ve had good news, bad news, and nasty surprises about exactly what it will take to get away safely and permanently.
It is taking longer than I had thought it would, so I appreciate this article. It reminds me that baby steps are still steps forward. If I just keep moving and navigating the changing process, I want to have faith that I will find my way.
I appreciate the support for people like me who are becoming aware and working toward living our own lives.
I think the best news for me was learning that he is disordered – it’s not me. That knowledge freed me up to think about my life and stop trying to fix him.
I’m keeping a low profile around him and stopped trying so hard to make everyone happy. That one change has freed up energy to put toward my plan.
Thank you for all the help and information.
“They’ve already convinced themselves that there’s no way out…they don’t want to work for it…they just like to complain”
None of these… it’s because fear of the unknown trumps a known fear every time.
Eventually you either get to the point where it’s such hell that there’s no reason good enough to stay, or you stay and live with it.
“How free do you want to be?”