Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations. DSM 4 Narcissistic Personality Disorder Criteria
To have a sense of entitlement means to have an expectation. An expectation that I deserve something for nothing because of who or what I am.
For a Narcissist it means that they have the right to do, say and behave in a manner that is always self-serving. This sense of entitlement means that they can lie, cheat, steal, con or manipulate anyone they choose on a whim. They are more important, more special, more unique than others and their needs are more dyer, more urgent and more relevant.
Everyone knows the old adage, “Confidence is sexy.” It’s true. Confidence comes from a place deep within. It shows itself in the way that a person carries themselves and conducts themselves. It’s the result of knowing who you are, your worth, your abilities and being comfortable with all of it.
False confidence can be very hard to differentiate from real confidence. False confidence has all the hallmarks of real confidence, but the distinction comes in the place where it comes from and how it manifests itself.
Narcissists have a false sense of confidence. They act like they are entitled to do, say and think whatever they want, like they are certain of their importance, but deep down there is a knowing within, that it is all a sham. They know that there is no substance behind the bravado. This is part of why they will never let anyone get close enough to see the real person behind the mask.
This supports one of the main competing theories in Narcissism causality, which is that Narcissism is created by being raised by a Narcissistic parent and an over-compensating parent, who freely administers inappropriate praise. The contrasting parental styles of abuse and praise, it’s believed, creates a type of confusion for the Narcissist’s developing brain.
We do know that Narcissist’s are experts at creating a persona, a smoke and mirrors show where they project a false image of who they want you to think they are. They spend most of their relationship trying to hide their real self, creating a house of cards, made from one lie upon the next.
When confronted with their deception this sense of entitlement allows them to pass the responsibility off onto others. Consequences are not for them. Their feelings, needs and desires must be gratified and they make no apology for this. This is why it’s so easy for them to sacrifice others. It’s your pain for their pleasure, your destroyed credit for their gain, your tears for their release.
Unfortunately, for those selected targets, the Narcissist’s false confidence is hard to distinguish from the real thing. When a Narcissist finds those that are easily influenced, easily lead or willing to do anything for love, it becomes a very alluring intoxicant and these targets will often find themselves involved with people and situations that they wouldn’t normally associate with and willing to do or give whatever they can to assist the Narcissist’s cause.
A normal life is boring for a Narcissist and they believe that it is meant for the ordinary. They will do whatever they can to escape it. The hum-drum of 9 to 5 effects them in a way that allows them to target and feed off of those with resources or to defraud or scam to escape that fate, because they deserve better.
The lengths they will go to for deception makes you wonder how much they could accomplish if they used their time and energy to create a good, honest life. That notion seems to be such a foreign concept for them, that it simply does not register. Instead they will create lie upon lie, false image upon false image, all in order to con and manipulate their way through people, jobs, and life. Because they hide their fears and anxiety behind a false confidence, it gives others the perception that they are truly arrogant and entitled.
The reality is that their destructive and painful inner conflict is so overwhelming for them that they move people around, use them, manipulate them to alleviate their painful emotions. Their need to be rid of these feelings gives them the right, in their minds, to do what they do.
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Narcissistic or PDA Autisic 14 yr old son, extremely violent. Controlling, shocking situation but he’s a child…what does his single mother do…she’s ready to give up!!!
Nearing 11:00 p.m. I have finally packed, cleaned, secured the animals & the house, & because of a chronic illness I am totally exhausted, in pain, & about to sleep before leaving around 8:00 a.m.. He calls to INFORM he’s decided we are hitting the road at 2:00 am. I protest but he doesn’t care–he’ll just go without me. It’s a trip I want and need to take and he absolutely will not bend. Looking back, I can recount so many entitlement moments like this one. I am SO, SO, SO glad he’s out of my life for good. I finally chose “me” and self-love over him & the roller coaster relationship. So long “Mr. Jekyll/Dr. Hyde”
Now when I read these things it takes me back to the marriage. How do you work through the trust issues with new men? I tried on line dating for less than two weeks. It will too much to handle starting off with all the lies out front. Names, ages, pictures that were 10 years old. I was like this is definitely not for me. How you so much as start a friendship like that?
Absolutely!! Spot-on as usual, Savannah!
Yes, the time they spend lying, cheating, etc… is a full time job for them. Looking back, I have no idea how the narc I dated had time to actually hold down a real job because his other life took up so much time. Absolutely disgusting. He managed to hand out his # to any female who showed any interest…the whole thing was gross. So thankful to be out of it and away from that kind of lifestyle. Just thinking about it still makes me feel physically sick.
What a brave choice you’ve made. In a way I can relate because I chose to stay for the last nine months of my 3 year live-in relationship with an N because I was so clear that I was finally understanding my father. I got some good practice in not reacting. It kind of became a game for me (abeit a painful one). I wouldn’t react when he blatantly played phone games (it was ping from texts all through the night). I would stay home rather than go out and go though the humiliation of him walking several steps before me as if I was a concubine. I began to go swimming to relieve the stress and didn’t try to be a couple with him. I became an agreeable roommate and stopped having sex because he kept giving me STDs. Finally, the day came when he found his next target and I waited for him to kick me out. Why? Because I was financially dependent and knew that he’d pay my moving costs if he wanted his next woman to move in. It was a God thing how it happened. Over a four month period, things were resolved and I ended up out on my own. One thing, though. I hope you don’t stay. I have finally gotten some true self-esteem based on a difficult but rewarding journey through the original mind-messing messages from a childhood with a narcissist. I am beginning to think my mother gradually become unhinged and so insecure that she was nearly a borderline personality with no sense of identity. So, she was a codependent at the very least and I learned a lot of painful self-abnegation from her. This has been such a strange journey. Savannah, I have learned from you that the N is only half of the problem and working on my co-dependency is the other half of the journey. Its been a long one but I have come to accept it. Thank you, as ever, Savannah. You are a steady beacon of light.
BINGO! You got this right. I have been married to a narcissist for over a decade. Joining that union is a narcissistic step-daughter. The first seven years it (truly) almost killed me. I ended up in PTSD therapy. This helped me understand the connection between my childhood and the choices I’ve made in adult relationships.
In the last 3 years I’ve stayed to learn how to set kind boundaries, take care of myself, regain and GROW my self esteem, become centered in the power I actually do have (I was told I was such a piece of s___t for so long, I thought I had no emotional, intellectual or legal power in this marriage).
Why have I stayed? Because I see the role I played in the twisted relationship and the patterns from my past. I am committed not to replay this again and so I’ve stayed to learn more about MY patterns, the patterns of ANY narcissist and how to respond in a healthy manner.
It has been rough, but it’s been worth the trip. I have learned so much about how I pick these people! I feel hope for myself and empathy for my spouse. BUT I don’t stay for him.
My PTSD therapist has been amazing and we both think there’ll come a day soon that I will have completed this journey. As I get better, my spouse often seems confused and the supply has pretty much run out. Since I don’t react to the narcissistic behavior anymore, there’s very little drama.
As for the step-daughter? She’s grown now and doesn’t live with us anymore and there are firm boundaries as to how I will or won’t interact with her. Mostly it’s news, sports and weather.
Thank you Susanna for these posts! They have been invaluable to my recovery and I will always be grateful for your clear, kind, and direct manner of revealing how the narcissist thinks and acts, and how the partner plays a role in the process.
I truly believe when we are ready to change, “the teacher will appear” in many forms and from many directions. You have been one of those teachers.
This process has brought me closer to my child inside, that I lost so very long ago, and God who has walked this painful journey with me.
It´s a spot on, again. For four years I´m going through this to the extreme. My wife complies with the whole description, not only to the one above. You have a good view on it Savannah.
I do hang on because 1: I have two teenagers whom I want to protect and 2: I´m a dutch immigrant in Argentina and I really have no where else to go. Well, I could go to Europe but then leaving my children alone with their distorted mother will not make me happy. Here al least I´m with them and my things, And I study the theme, I confront her and write things up. She hates that, knows that I can pull of her mask so now she makes threats like “I have you kicked out by force!”. The bottomline is that she wants to kick out the father of her children out on the street with nothing. I served a purpose -I had a reachable dream 18 years ago for a free life and invited her because she was so nice and friendly and intelligent (and this is a long story)
Well, the idolisation-humiliation-rejection pattern is very true. Being immigrant and with two children makes it hardcore. And by the way: the inappropiate praising is so common here in Argentina, it´s a tribe with too huge ego´s, they are known for that in Latin America.
Hi Savannah your posts are so helpful, thank you for writing! My brother is this exact person that I have to deal with unfortunately. He committed fraud on my mom while she was in ICU fighting for her life for months. I noticed the missing money, asked him about it, he denied, was full of rage, said I ask too many questions etc. His anger told me it was him. Months later he admitted to my mom but not me. I found out through her and now he is digging up history to avoid accountability. Classic narcissist. I stopped engaging with him because it’s useless. He needs to own what he did, stop making victim excuses, fraud is fraud and I dont trust him at all. What a huge betrayal to my mom and to me. I’m tired of his bullying and he is just like his dad. I’m done.