At the heart of self-esteem is action. It’s the implementation of self-care behaviors, that determine how one values themselves.
What that means is, If I do not love and value myself I may partake in activities that are self-punishing, and self-harming. Conversely, if I love myself, my behaviors will reflect love, respect and care for my well-being.
Self-Trust is an inner knowing that in all situations, I will act in ways that serve my best interest. Many of my clients struggle with the idea of when they will be ready to date again. My answer is always – when you have gained self-trust. Self-trust means that you have high expectations of yourself and others, that your well-being is a top priority and that you will not engage in any behaviors that are detrimental to your well-being.
The behaviors that I’ve listed below perpetuate self-trust. When they become your automatic, instinctual, go to reactions, you will know you have achieved self-trust.
Logic
Logic is the ability to take the emotion out of a situation and analyze it with reason, facts, experience and good judgement. We very often make poor decisions when we’re emotional. When we’re fighting back, trying to strike quickly and cause another the same harm that was done to us, we are missing key elements and not acting in our best interest. When you can control your emotions, let the actions and words of others bounce off of you like Teflon and take a step back and analyze every emotionally charged situation logically, you’re on your way to achieving self-trust.
Living in Reality
Many people that come from toxic childhoods have learned how to escape their environment by living inside their imaginations. It becomes a coping mechanism many employ when they engage in toxic adult relationships. Their ability to see things as they are and not as they wish them to be becomes impaired. In their minds they live out the relationship and have their partners act in loving, respectful ways, even when that is not what is happening in real life. Living in reality means that you are able to call a spade a spade even when it’s not what you want or hoped for. It means that you aren’t clouded by insecurity and uncertainty when trying to discern a person’s actions and motives. When you live in reality you can spot deception, you can spot insincerity, and you can spot situations that are harmful to your well-being, without being bogged down with self-doubt.
Intuitiveness
Being intuitive means that you trust your instincts. It appears to us as an inner knowing, an inclination or a feeling that something is either right or wrong. Many believe that it is our guides and departed loved ones trying to steer us in one direction or another and to protect us from danger, others believe that it is our link to spiritual consciousness. Regardless of what it is, or where it comes from, we all have it and it’s an essential element to self-trust. When your link to your intuition is strong, you can spot red flags and feelings that alert you that something is off. The voice of your Intuition can become drown out by the mental chaos that comes from self-doubt and low self-esteem. The more you trust your intuition the louder and clearer it becomes.
Discipline
When you have discipline it means that you are able to curb your behavior and delay instant gratification in favor of long-term interests. Discipline in conjunction with logic allows you to control your thoughts and emotions and not act out on account of hurt feelings or a spurned ego. Discipline is action or a lack of action – it’s acting in your best interest, whether or not it means doing something you may not want to do or restraining yourself from doing something you want to do.
Autonomy
Autonomy is my favorite state of being. It means that you need nooooooobody to take care of you physically (you take care of your body), financially, (nobody pays your bills but you), emotionally (you don’t need anyone to show you your worth – you know who and what you are), spiritually (you don’t need anyone to show you the way or guide you to spirit), sexually (you don’t need an unhealthy hook up to get your needs met, get the tools you need and take care of your own business – yes that means what you think it does) When you are autonomous you make better relationship choices. Because you are coming from a place of strength, you’re not acting out of need, fear or desperation. It also means that your foundation is strong and that the ending of a relationship does not change any aspect of your being.
Openness
Openness means that you are flexible to change and able to let go of attachments you may have to things that no longer serve to better your existence. When you are open you are always growing, always seeking new and better ways to enhance your development. Being stuck and inflexible is often indicative of insecurity and fear. It keeps us from being our best selves and it shows us what we need to work on. We should always be looking to expand and change. When we can step into new situations and experiences with enthusiasm, and with the absence of fear, that is the essence of self-trust.
These behaviors together formulate self-trust, which is an essential aspect of self-esteem. Put them into daily use until they become habitual. The more you use them the more natural it will feel.
Your Comments!!!!!!
Do you need to talk? Click here to find out how you can Skype with Savannah.
Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
Just want to say thank you for this post…I have just come out of hospital yet again! I am so destructive towards myself and push my loved ones to the point they don’t even want to be near me let alone help me!
So this post and comments are gratefully read! I do need to take back the reins and remnants of my life! It’s not an easy road to travel but posts like these not only motivate me but convince me it can be done. Have to be done!!!
I have very long hair, with natural curls and color that people pay big money to get. I spent a lifetime with a mother who hates it. Every time I’d get really sick growing up, she’d take me to the hair salon and imply it was my idea to have it cut. As I got older, and in to adulthood I’d use my hair as a weapon ( the only one I thought I had at the time.) Against my narc of the month/ year/ husband and chop it off as punishment to the narc. I did not realize at the time he could have cared less. One actually said the same words mother did. ” your hair looks so much better now.”
Well, when I left my last narc 2.5 yrs ago, I had my students and daughter constantly tell me not to cut my hair. Ignored my mother about what a hot mess ( physically) my hair had to be and if she were me…..
To make this short and sweet, this weekend I discovered how bad the ends were splitting and went and had my hair cut straight across. 3 plus inches in parts of it. It’s still fairly long, BUT it is the first time in nearly 50 yrs I had it cut because I wanted to go have it cut.
p.s. I asked a male friend why he hadn’t told me how bad it looked, and his reply was ,” I’m not THAT stupid.”
Dear Savannah, thank you once again for a thought provoking article…. I’m on my way to a full and happy life, in part with your help.
I’d like to to ask your opinion? A dear friend has divorced her narcissistic/borderline husband. Their only child, a son, who lives with his mother, is taking over from his father with most vile and manipulative behaviours, refusing to go to school, disgusting language etc.. My friend is at breaking point.
This post will, i believe help in some way with helping to build self esteem etc., but her mental and physical health is suffering. Is this a common problem and how does my friend deal with her son.
Many authorities believe that narcissism is partially due to physiology and that it is inherited. So, it’s very likely that your friend’s son is, genetically, a narcissist just like his father. Maybe knowing what is going on will allow her to cope with him. Most of the damage that a narcissist does is because we have illusions that they are somebody else.
This is very difficult but if you know that you are dealing with a human scorpion and you have no illusions that they will ever be any different, then you do your due diligence until they are old enough to care for themselves. Knowing who and what they are, you don’t have any expectations of more from the narcissistic child.
Andrea,
My son took over the abusive behavior when I finally ended things with a bi-polar and abusive man. He was in his twenties and I was just learning how to have self-esteem so it took me awhile to draw boundaries. It was incredibly hard and I felt such loss and despair to see that my son had learned to treat women badly. The only thing I could do was to teach him how to treat me. It took many years and life finally taught my son to grow up a bit. At this point we were pretty estranged but I kept the lines of communication open, did a lot of praying, and basically wouldn’t accept being demeaned and insulted. I grew willing to let him go, grieved this huge loss on a regular basis, and found that I could live, even without my son. What a harsh lesson in life. But it does have a happy ending in that we talk now and he apologizes when his a**hole side shows up. Life has showed him the results of that behavior and my good boundary setting helped. It takes a lot of repetition and time to relearn these behaviors. “When they become your automatic, instinctual, go to reactions, you will know you have achieved self-trust.” I, personally, am in therapy again after the death of my Narc father so I can attest to how long it takes. But I am finally truly content and mostly able to hear my intuition and choose better. Tell your friend that she must say no and have boundaries with her son. Only she can teach him how to treat her. No one else. Tough love is the only way. And maybe some counseling if he is young and can be told to take that option.
Codependency doesn’t end at the time one breaks up with a narc/borderline person. There is a chance that your friend is not seeing that her son is abusive to her. It depends how old the son is and how long post the divorce.
I am also a mother of the only son and right after the divorce we both needed to learn, not only how to live post the family break up but also how to live with each other. My son was 19 so this was a bit easier than with younger children but still for a while he was upset and who could he safely express his upset with? I was upset, too and who could I safely express my upset with? Of course the person who is close and handy!
Open and honest communication is the key. Clear boundary setting is important. Easier said, then done. We don’t end up being codependent a minute we sign divorce papers so patience and diligent self work is helpful.
With older children it’s easier because they can see and decide for themselves. But then, a mother should be aware of that the fact that she knows she freed herself from a narc is not obvious to her kid. Her kid might have trouble dealing with the discovery that his mother was totally duped in the marriage deal, also he might feel that she might’ve sacrificed for the kid’s sake. This is all so complex and different in each case that it’s really hard to give any advice other than just keep the line of communication open, be honest if you’re hurt, and let the kid know that he could tell you anything and everything even if he knows that he is going to hurt his mom.
I don’t know? I just know what helped me. For about 6 months post the divorce my son and I were not happy and avoiding any sensitive issues, till I found out that he tried to hide that his dad had a new woman and that they all spent Xmas together with the extended ex’s family. Nowadays, with social media… ha, ha, ha!!! A little bit of thinking and boom!!!! All the facts started to make sense. I quickly figured out that my son also had met the other woman many times prior to the divorce and didn’t realize that she would be his dad’s new partner till that unfortunate first post divorce Xmas. I sat my son one day and I told him that I figured that out, too. I told my son, that I could only imagine how difficult that Xmas gathering was for him realizing that his dad was not honest. I told him that I’m OK with the fact that his dad has a new woman because after divorce he was a free man and no one expected his dad to be single for the rest of his life but it was not OK to blame me for the break up, and to fight stupid games to prolong the divorce procedures when he simply could’ve said: “I’ve got someone, let’s make this divorce easy and quick because I’d like to start a new life.” A responsible man would do that, a coward blames his wife for the marriage failure and calls her names and pours all the blame and hatred on her without being mindful of his grown up kid. And then he is all oh, and ah, look how great I and my new woman is!!! Hello!!! Is this so difficult to figure out for a 19-year old? But also is it easy for a 19-year old to acknowledge and deal with??? I don’t think so.
To make the long story short, I am two years past the divorce, my son has completely distanced himself from his dad and hasn’t seen or spoken to him since that unfortunate Xmas. I don’t discuss their son-father relationship; my son tells me bits and pieces sometimes; I always remind him I am Ok either way, whether he is or isn’t seeing his dad; and this is totally up to him. My son is doing awesome at his studies and I am happy he lives with me. As for the living with a grown up child, narc or not, it’s not easy. They are adults and want to be independent and we still want to do the mothering so it’s not that we never run into any little squabbles but anything can be cleared with a little talk. I usually start: “I’ve made some bad choices and I used to avoid initiating any difficult talks so you’ve got to help me with this, but I don’t like when you… “