A lot of people want to change. They want their lives to get better. They want to leave their bad situation, but they can’t. They come up with myriad of reasons why and what it is that’s stopping them. These reasons seem inconsequential to others, but for the individual they are there, they are real and they can be debilitating.
Inside most codependents there is a little self-destruct chip. It likes to keep you where you are. It likes to hurt and wound you and to perpetuate more of the same pain in your life. It’s the proverbial little devil sitting on your shoulder trying to talk you into doing something that is all wrong for you and won’t benefit you in any way.
All of us have ideas, dreams, goals and desires that we would like to have and achieve, but often there is something that keeps us from what we want and that something are those destructive beliefs that keep weaving their way into our heads, like they are on some kind of destructive loop cycle.
When we are young that abusive voice we hear belongs to our parents and the bullies at school. It’s criticizing us, shaming us and telling us we don’t deserve better and that we’re not good enough. When we grow up and we move away from our parents that voice seems to have taken up residence inside of us. We thought when we moved away that it would end, but instead we keep the torch of our own destruction burning. This is a clear indication that their message is firmly ingrained deep within us.
Instead of them being our abusers we now become our own abusers, because we believe everything they ever told us about ourselves. That voice reflects our interpretation of what other’s have said or expressed about their beliefs about us.
What both Michael A. Singer and Echardt Tolle have stated, is that we are not that voice – we are the observers of that voice. The only power it really has over us is the power that we allow it to have.
It manifests most commonly as:
Shame Chirping – the voice is always putting in its two cents. It’s trying to make us feel bad. It wants us to fail. It discourages us. It wounds us. Sometimes it’s relentless, like it’s on a feedback loop of expressing its disgust. It wants to make sure we know that we can’t do it, that we’re not good enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not special enough… It purpose is to keep us stuck. It wants to trick us into believing that it’s the truth.
The Justifier – sometimes the voice is a detective. It’s encouraging us to look for any reason to do something we know we shouldn’t. It keeps finding excuses for us. It gives us good, believable reasons to quit or disappoint ourselves and others. It’s this voice that tries to find a reason for you to break no contact, or to break your commitment to eat healthy and live a healthy lifestyle. It’s a saboteur and it’s purpose is to keep you where you are.
The Negative Malaise – it’s a general unpleasant feeling that permeates throughout our entire being. It’s our emotional vibration and you feel it most when you are experiencing lack – lack of love, lack of money, loneliness, despair. You feel it mostly when things aren’t going right, when you want something but you don’t have enough money, or support, or whatever you perceive as missing in your life, though some people feel it all the time. It’s this overall feeling that keeps people impoverished, in pain, or alone. It’s the feeling of despair and it’s this feeling that we send out to the universe that brings more of the same back to us.
These feelings and beliefs are so hard to break away from because they are coming at us from all sides – from our abusive parents, from our abusive partners and even from inside ourselves. It’s like our abusers have planted their seeds inside of us and these seeds have taken root and have grown into trees of doubt.
Unfortunately it’s not enough to know that these debilitating beliefs are not true. To get past them and eliminate them from our psyche takes practice. It’s not something that you will master in one day. If you were handed a musical instrument you wouldn’t be a master after a day, or a week. It takes practice.
The first step to combating this destructive behavior is awareness: Being mindful of the enemy within reduces its influence and power over us. When we notice it in our thinking and how it is influencing our behavior we must pay attention to it – recognize it, label it (this is my disease – these thoughts aren’t true and they’re not mine).
The next step is to challenge it: Am I really unworthy of better treatment, or is that the disease talking? Am I really being judged here, or do these people really not care what I’m doing? Why am I thinking about breaking no contact? Would that be good for me, or is that the disease/addiction talking? Is this logical? Does it make sense? Is it good for me?
The third step is to dismiss it: When you catch yourself in the middle of an inappropriate and destructive behavior and you’ve recognized it as being illogical and part of your disease – the next step is to stop the behavior, refuse to participate and replace it with a healthy response that serves your best interest. Example: (Destructive, repetitive thought) I haven’t heard from him in 2 weeks. I want to hear from him. I want to know he’s thinking about me that he still wants me. He did leave a pair of jeans here. Maybe I can just send him a text and tell him I want him to get his stuff out of here. That way I’ll still sound mad, but it will open up the lines of communication again. (Challenging thought) Why do I want to break no contact? Do I really think it’s going to be different this time? Is he/she going to change? Would contacting him/her again be good for me? No, no no and no. (Dismiss the thought and behavior) No I’m not doing this to myself again. I’m not going to keep hurting myself. This is my disease and I’m not going to let it control me. I deserve better. I’m going to keep focusing on me and getting my life back on track and that means staying no contact. Go for a walk, hit the treadmill, read an inspirational book, but by God don’t let it win.
These harmful thoughts can be very confusing, but when you get into the practice of being mindful of what’s influencing your judgement, you gain control over it. It’s not automatic and it will seem like a battle at first, but once you get into the habit of recognizing and challenging these thoughts you will have more control over your life. This is the essence of self-discipline.
“You will never have a greater or lesser dominion than that over yourself…the height of a man’s success is gauged by his self-mastery; the depth of his failure by his self-abandonment.” Leonardo Da Vinci
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Thank you for the advice on reprogramming yourself to put yourself first. It is such an alien concept to me but I didn’t realise that until everything I’ve gone through recently. I will start practising today.
I saw him this weekend twice. we had not seen each other and maintained no contact for over a month. I never think he will look for me. I believe the cruel break up, the fact that I am not deserving of his love again for the 35th time. The he looks for me like this weekend showed up at my gym. For the first time in 3 years I ran to my car and drove off when he tried to approach me. Then the second time I asked him to leave me alone to please stop hurting me. He hasn’t texted. But this set me back. I haven’t slept and feel huge anxiety. I am practically reading all of your blogs to get my strength back. I don’t want to contact him. I know nothing will change. But I have a huge need for validation which is so sick. Like I am mourning my loss of us. I had never given up before. This is the first time I see things can’t change. I finally lost hope and with that comes a great sense of sadness.
Did things get better? The sadness I feel for the loss of hope that I have is very great. I can relate to your post.
Thank you. I have had a lifelong friend that always ran the show between us. Recently, I set my new boundaries. She told me she had better friends and no longer wanted my friendship. I was very hurt. Now, I need help letting go.
Savannah, I look for your wise, compassionate comments every week. In the past year, since I left him, I have found myself doing just what you say==challenging the abusive voices of my father and my husband. I ‘m a teacher; I use logic and evidence to argue with myself, or I disarm those voices by gentle chiding. I am finally being kind to myself. I also pray more.
CONGRATULATIONS… SHE WAS A NARC I BET WATCH WHAT YOU TELL YOURSELF….WHAT ARE YOU R THOUGHTS…… CHANGE THEM THIS WAS ACTUALLY A POSITIVE IN THE SHORT AND LONG RUN
Savannah
This website has helped me immeasurably. I look forward to it each Monday. It is my weekly booster shot. One of my sons lives with my ex. He has severe OCD and has broken off contact with everyone. He is over 21 and there is nothing I can do. I fight with those voices all the time : about being selfish, about being a good mother, that my ex is feeding my son poison thoughts every day is so difficult.
Thank you for a prior column on Rosenberg magnet attraction.
Yes, please leave politics out of this arena. Thanks all. Jean
Thank you for clarifying that Savannah. I have been with a covert N for the last 3 years and in the process learned so much about myself. Things I choose to ignore for my own survival. I have been told that I have BPD and I am really struggling with this. Label or not the struggle exist and it is overwhelming. I have been reading and really trying to get out of denial but feel like I am trapped. We lived a fantasy life of travel, intellectual discussions, plays, fine dining great sex… all to my dismay. I have a doctorate and he is a lawyer and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to have fallen for this terrible hoax.
Rewind:
Omg! Same thing happened to me!! Painful isn’t it? I have been reading about attachment styles which I feel I can accept more as truth. For some reason I am unable to use the labels narcissist and empath. Learning about our attachment styles, anxious and dismissive, enabled me to see the bigger picture. interestly, dismissive attachment style describes a N perfectly. And an anxious attachment style is similar to co-dependant. I feel like I can now focus on healing my inner self rather than obsessively try and figure out what happened in the relationship.
Savannah I recognize this inner battle as cognitive dissonance and I am really struggling with it. I can’t seem to get a grasp on reality at times even when I try to identify my true beliefs as superior to those feelings I experienced with my N. How do I organize my beliefs so my actions are true to me. Are we as people able to use neuro plasticity to retrain our in tracks of destructive thought? I feeling I am just trying to satisfying a primal need with him and being alone would be counter to that.
For me CD is about trying to rationalize irrational behavior by creating some type of fantasy where it all fits and you can gloss over the truth.Creating absurd rationalities is part of codependence for sure, but not exactly what I’m talking about in this piece. Using neuroplasticity is exactly what I’m talking about here. We want to create new pathways for our new behaviors. The more we think a certain way the stronger the pathway gets. The less we use a pathway the weaker it becomes and will eventually disassemble if it’s no longer in use. The primal need you are talking about I would think is your addiction to the relationship – a need for the high being with him gives you. When you use the phrase primal need it gives it a positive connotation almost like it’s normal or natural to feel the way you do, when the reality is these relationships are everything but natural or normal.
Enjoying reading all the comments
I always felt so alone in this madness
I no longer do.
Being with narcs is like a toxic addiction. The emotional highs and lows are addictive and exciting in an unhealthy way. No contact is essential. A safe life may seem less exciting initially but getting off the roller coaster is the only way to be emotionally healthy. Thanks Sav for helping always…
The negative voices come straight out of my “shame core,” that stream of toxic sludge that courses through my psyche. I have several ways of dealing with those voices: I can use humor (“thank you for sharing”); sarcasm (“great; next time I want to feel like shit I know who to call on”); or compassion (“I know you are trying to help but I do not need to hear that.”). Whatever the tactic, the point is the same, just as Savannah says: notice the voice, attend to it, be aware of it; and take some action to counteract its message.
The best healing I have gotten, the best way I have found to go back to the roots of this voice, is by (1) exploring childhood issues, and (2) developing my inner spiritual life. The voice is not mine, it was introjected into me as a very young child, and the origins of its message are found in my early history. I had to do the slogging of years of therapy to see all this clearly. As for (2), I believe there is a deep stream of positive energy, lightness, and joy within us all. Under the toxic jungle, there runs a clear and pure stream of love: love for self, for others, for life and our world. Meditation, contemplation, time in nature, time playing and exploring my creative side (music, drawing, writing) gets me in touch with it. I believe it’s there for you too if you will only cultivate your awareness of it.
Shame and narcissistic abuse are not the whole story, not for me and not for you either. In fact they can be a pathway to self understanding and a happier life all around.
HC
I suppose it’s a manifestation of my co-dependency that says I shouldn’t post on here because my experience isn’t as extreme as many I read about. I was two years with Mr Narc and then about three with boomeranging and then I got some boundaries and the new woman cropped up behaving like a carbon copy of what I can see was in myself. Only then was I shocked and depressed enough to start looking for answers, found this site and went minimal contact for business purposes only. That was seven months ago.
I’m currently working on a project with him at his business. I thought about it a lot, was dreading it, planned for it and wouldn’t recommend breaking contact but, for me, it has shown the power of indifference. Looking at him from “outside” I can appreciate his contruction skills but see that his shallowness, meanness, self centredness etc etc etc is all intact. I begin to feel closure and great hope and expectation for the future in what i do in my own life. When it finishes I will be able to walk away with my head high although there is still the issue that he is part of my social group and other members especially men, think he is the dog’s b******s. I have managed not to discuss him with anyone at all. I think that silence is the best policy.
I was single for many years and that, I feel, due to attachment issues in childhood. Lola’s post resonates with me; I never had confidence in myself at work and am happy to have retired. I am still wondering whether it is worth reviving the pain of a long gone childhood by entering counselling. Will my life at 60 be improved by that?
I’m not convinced I will ever “date” again. My instinct (the voice?) says knock me on the head if I ever even think it’ a good idea. All four of the men I have been with have had significant issues.
My youngest sibling took the trouble of travelling a long way to be with me on my birthday. He said straight out that he loved my mother (who has been dead three years today) but that she was a bully. All four of us have had relationship issues. I’m glad I had no children so I can’t unwittingly pass on her parenting style which I know she had from my grandmother.
Back to the Narc, one thing that did help was getting rid of everything of his or that he had given me (not much) that was in my house or about him on my computer, phone etc etc. Some time back he invited me to a bonfire party. I didn’t go but I dropped the bed we slept in down to his woodpile (at a time I knew he wasn’t there and it was knackered) and so he burned it. Poetic justice! Having a sense of humour is, I know, part of a defence. But it does help.
I have just found this page and need help as my N is leaving again and silent treatment – need all the support I can get. Have lots of his stuff at my house and we have been thru this before. Am sure he is back with his other supply as had to have contact with her and boom – gone silent with blaming me for nothing I have done. How does one let it go – I have tried before and truly he has nothing to offer me just seems to make me happy when around – so nuts. Help!
I know that nasty inner voice you speak of. When I was going on job interviews, that voice telling me I wasn’t good enough would pop into my head. On one interview, as I waited, I actually said to myself, ‘I’m not going to get this job.’ And I didn’t get it.
Then, I had another interview. I prepared better for it, mind you, but while I waited in the lobby, that voice popped in again, telling me I’d not be chosen, that there’s going to be someone better.
Then, ever so suddenly, I found myself cursing that voice inside my head. I told it to leave now, and that I stand every bit a chance as anyone else, in fact, I have the qualifications and given my talents, there’s no way I’m not smart enough or a top contender.
I got the job.
Yet it’s still a battle sometimes, where I won’t trust myself or I am convinced I am going to do something terrible and mess things up. I go home some nights and ask, ‘Did I do that right?’
Most often, my intellect points to yes but my emotions doubt. As I keep at the job, more and more, I believe the confidence will build.
Last year was a horrible year for me–narcs and job stress. A piece of me wishes they could see what I do, as I believe they’d be shocked, albeit they’d not really care. It made me feel good knowing I am smarter and more accomplished than they, but they’re losers so why I ever looked to them for validation is beyond me.
You’re amazing! Thank you for helping me keep my head up and understanding that he will never change. We were together 13 years and now he treats me like I never existed. No apology for his actions that destroyed my trust in any man. My heart is still broken and feel like I will never get over him. I pray for him in hopes he will see his evil ways but the good Lord watches over me and He sees what he says and does. Everyday I wait in hopes he will make the call and give me the validation and apology that he broke me. This has been so hard on me. Depression has taken its toll and I feel that I will never recover.
I am definitely The Justifier. In fact it costed me everything, including my children. I can’t tell you enough how much your blog has meant to me. I’ve followed it for over a year, and I can relate everytime. I’ve learned a great deal about myself from it. I’m so co-dependent, it’s painful. I’m still not happy, and I’ve come to the realization that’s it’s me, I’m the problem. Or at least contribute to it. If one is not happy with themselves, how can they be happy with anyone else? Thank you for your posts. They help tremendously, more than you know.
Sue:
Trump’s followers are not proven to be narcissists. Tests given reveal they score very high on authoritarian personality traits. They like to be linked to people they see as successful. These are the same traits as those who followed Hitler, Franco, Mussolini, Hirohito and many more.
Quoted from NYT column, author is David Brooks.
Sami:
Trump is a borderline narcissist. He invites chaos, violence, racism, hate and fear. He’s able to do this because he inherited 200M in his twenties. If he had placed that in treasury bonds, not businesses, he would be wealthier than he is today. He has had long periods of estrangement from Ivanna and Marla. He left 4 children.
Running for public office it was essential he put a good face on so he could use them in his crusade to become Pres. He needs them so he paid them off.
To equate Sanders who has over 85% of his state’s popular vote year after year and devoted friends from the 70’s is I think faulty thinking. You may not like Sanders but he has not brought his large family into the fray for public scrutiny, nor has he bullied people, incited racial hatred, nor preened like a peacock in public.,
DaVinci? I miss the tie in. He was a rare genius like Hawking, Galileo, Einstein. Trump has no scientific accomplishments not is he a visionary designer or master sculptor.
Don’t understand the comparison to Trump.
DaVinci was a gay man tied to the corrupt and ultra powerful at the time — Vatican. They supported his talent, not his wealth. He was Michaelangelo’s contemporary, each profoundly jealous of the other. Both narcissists.
The quote “there is nothing new under the sun”!can be found in the bible — Ecclesiastes, assumed to be written by King Solomon. (Not daVinci). It toug to make a cogent statement when one is relatively uneducated. Trump followers — since you make this political — are according to pollsters — poorly educated and highly influenced by being feeling an association with celebrities. They like authority so they can follow and not have to think or create for themselves.
No more politics please – this is a safe place – a place of healing and ideas – not politics.
P.S. Your articles have helped me tremendously over the past few years. I have hung on to every word because it resinated with me as truth. Your work is helping so many people. You are a blessing.
Very clear explanation of Narsacistic people.Donald Trump. Scary that so so of his followers are Narsacistic also. I isolate because of neighbors, family and ex friends being Narsacistic. But I get so lonely. I use to try to fix these people. I attend a Co depends support group. It has been very helpful.
Hi Savannah, Just have a comment about no contact. I maintained no contact for two years but recently I felt a very strong need to see him. He stole money from me and I never confronted him. I had unfinished business with him that I could not rest over. Long and short of it was I asked to see him. He played around to keep me hanging but I did see him and I realized that he hadn’t changed at all but I felt that when I saw him I saw the ugliness of who he is on the inside. I needed that as closure. I prayed a lot for God’s guidance and I feel this was the best thing for me to move on. So although I strongly agree with no contact, I think it’s best to stay away and get strong and if you still need answers go after it. I think he enjoyed that I was still having turmoil over him. Today I am free. Praying for others who have been through this awful ordeal. My faith in God has given me the strength, wisdom and courage to move forward.
Karen: I am glad that you were able to get the answers you were seeking from your ex N, but I would not recommend opening that wound to people at any cost. Perhaps it is your strong faith that allows you the ability to deal with him, but for most, the ex N is like a drug – the law of addiction tells us that any re-engagement with the addictive substance will cause immediate re-addiction. It’s like taking a drag of a cigarette after you’ve gone without one for a year – you think you’ve beaten it, that it has no control over you – guess again. For this reason it is best that people stay away. You are generally not going to get answers, closure or relief from an N. In most cases it’s best to count your losses and move on.
I ran into my ex-N twice this past weekend. We engaged in small talk. He was very dismissive. At one event I felt like I really looked good. And the old “I’m never good enough” feeling came back when he never acknowledged how I looked. The whole encounter was awkward. He looked horrible, btw, and his roaming eyes while he was trying to make small talk with me reminded me how worthless he really is. So WHY was I so disappointed about the encounter. This is so maddening and never makes sense to me. WHAT is it that makes them have such a strong hold even when we no longer have a relationship??
Rewind the issue isn’t with him it’s with you. He’s going to continue to do what he does, but you keep looking to him to validate you. In the same way as I describe in this post, when those feelings of needing his approval come to you – stop, become aware of what you are doing – challenge it – then dismiss it (I don’t need your approval – my validation comes from within).
OMG – Thanks Savannah. You are SO right. I have really worked hard the past six months on loving myself and have felt great. Then one encounter and I start doubting myself all over again. Your words are gold!
Rewind: I can totally relate to your experience. My ex responds to me in the same way. Very dismissive. Like we had no history and I’m dead to him. It’s the worst feeling. I know. I have come to a place where I finally hold MY heart in my own hands. I am choosing to love and value ME. I am learning that I do have the right to protect myself and my heart. This is a learning process which I have to remind myself everyday. Hang in there and remember it does not feel good to have someone not see you or value you.
Sue I see you mention Trump. the real NARC is a wolf in sheeps clothing Bernie Sanders . He wants to spread EPIC FAIL of his own to all of us. Like my Narc,,,if he cannot have my successes he wants to belittle their value. I did build this.Next week will be one year after re-engaging and seeing that for what it was.I now this is not apolitical site, but I see how all the women in the aforementioned love him and speak well of him -even his ex wives.He encourages us to the wealth he has built. That is altruism not selfishness and ego maniacal . WE ARE GENEROUS with takers. We stop. wise as DaVinci ..that builder sculptor painter inventor (THE FLYING OBJECTS HE DREW MILLENIA AND A HALF AGO look very much like our airplanes. Savannah I love his quote you included. THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN.Even this solitary genius knew what we struggle with as his own master
Healing –
It’s funny….but even after we had slept together, many times he would act like I was dead..you know…the discard phase. Guess I don’t know why I would expect him to be any different. Back to loving me….and using my favorite word “indifference.” He no longer matters.
Thank you for this. I have become my own worst abuser. Beating myself up for gaining weight, second guessing and blaming myself every time someone else acts inappropriately and projects it onto me. After a devastating end to my ling term marriage and subsequent several year relationship with an N, I have lost the self confidence and appreciaton for myself that I once had.
This is so true. I’ve been carrying around the parental verbal abuse, the ex spouse and in law abuse, the past co workers abuse, and ex friends abuse. I don’t have any friends because I believe it. The self talk has been crippling emotionally
So much gratitude for your blog! its the best reflective workbook 🙂