“If they aren’t treating you right, it’s time to stop blaming them. If you don’t want to be a doormat, get off the floor.” – Charles Orlando
Being self-assertive is a necessary element of self-esteem. It means respecting and expressing our individual wants, needs and values and to proudly and boldly be our authentic selves.
The opposite of self-assertiveness is to be the proverbial doormat. To shrink ourselves, to quiet or hide our true nature, to put others ahead of us, to be ashamed of who we are, to lose yourself in relationships, and to surrender your own identity.
Self-assertiveness doesn’t mean being rude, obnoxious, self-centered, militant, or quick to take offence. It doesn’t mean that we become aggressive and put others down. It simply means that we have an inner knowing that we are important, that we have value and that we matter. It’s a choice that we have to make every day. It’s an understanding that we are not helpless victims, but fully in control of our lives.
Steps to Self-Assertiveness
Know Who You Are: You are so much more than this pile of skin, hair and bones that encase you. You are an enormous, powerful, spiritual, energy being, that is having a physical experience. To walk around and carry the belief that you are anything less than spectacular goes against your true self.
Practice Conscious Awareness: Be mindful, consistently, that you deserve to be heard and that you deserve joy. You are responsible for creating and maintaining your level of self-esteem. No one has this job but you. Be aware that in every moment you deserve kindness, respect and happiness.
Practice Courage: Stating and enforcing your beliefs and convictions takes courage. Create the mindset that you will not be intimidated or bullied by anyone. Know that you not only have the right, you have the responsibility to be true to yourself. The moment you tackle this fear the easier it becomes the next time and the time after that.
Own Your Life: Your dreams, your goals, your future, your life, belong to you. Do not allow others to have dominion over your being. Do not allow others to speak for you. Do not allow other people to make their will you own. Do not allow yourself to be clouded by emotions. Make sure that the opinions that matter most to you are your own and always, always do right by you.
Speak Your Truth: Learn how to be heard. Do not be silenced. Do not fear confrontation. When needed, learn how to defend yourself in a calm respectful way. State your wants and needs with the expectation that they be granted and fulfilled. Do not shrink yourself or back down when challenged. Know that when you’re right you’re right, without allowing doubt or guilt to creep in and have your stance waffle back and forth, be firm in your conviction. Most importantly walk away from anyone that refuses to hear, respect or honor your rights.
“Without appropriate self-assertiveness we are spectators, not players, in the game of life.”
You are the key to your self-esteem. You are the gatekeeper, protector and enforcer of your self-esteem. It all starts and ends with you. So do not allow the toxicity and judgement of others from your past to cloud your sense of who you are. Hold your convictions close to your heart. Demand to be heard. Put all those people, who think it’s okay to walk all over you, on notice, that their time is up!!!!!
One moment of courage can change your life forever. Be bold. Be brave. Be fearless. Be you!!!!!
Your Comments!!!!!!
Do you need to talk? Click here to find out how you can Skype with Savannah.
Timely post for me, thank you.
“The worm that turned”, comes to mind
Thank you for consistently guiding me on my path of courage and self love. I couldn’t be this far along in my journey without you. You have been an integral part of me falling in love with ME -Dana
Dana it has been my absolute pleasure. Getting to watch you on your journey has been a blessing for me. I have never met someone so full of life, determined, funny and up for any challenge. I look forward every week to Skyping with you. You inspire me.
You have no idea how much your posts have been helping me. Thank you and please keep writing.
Yes, this can be done! But it is a slow unlearning and retraining process. Heck, if I was a doormat for some fifty years, I can’t just turn a magic switch… ta… dam… and done! So thank you for the great post and the encouragement to keep working on myself!
Savannah,
This is such a good article. I read it twice and will read it again. “Learn how to be heard.,” really struck me because I do think it takes LEARNING. In fact, all of these skills take daily practice. What I’ve realized is that there are two things happening for me right now: unlearning and relearning. It took me a lot of doing in childhood to unlearn my natural responses to protect myself, speak my truth, notice predators and feel my own desires. My parents really did a number of my head. My father was a predator and abuser so I first had to learn that if I stood up to him or defended myself or even noticed what he was, my mother talked me out of it and love was withheld. I even remember being told, more than once, “No, that’s not the way you feel. You are fair and that’s what I count on about you.” So, it is taking some effort and patience — kind of like removing a deep-stain — to undo all the early mind-warping. What I’m finding is that my first response is the co-dependent one and that it is taking a pause, some cognitive re-thinking, and then I can act. I can’t yet trust me to act on my own behalf. I have to think things through first. Your articles are so good, Savannah. They are like getting inoculations every week. I still do dumb stuff but I do it less often.
Dear Savannah
Thank you for this post! I felt that it rang truthful to me on so many levels! I try and try again to state my ground and become cloudied and muddled by those who intimidate me the most! I find it timely to read this this morning after I was sitting and thinking of many things in my life that I have had gone on, and I came to realization it is really been my doing. I cannot blame others since it was I who allowed and accepted time and again for set behaviors and patterns to continue. How or why should I be angry with others when it after all was me who was letting people treat me in a certain fashion.
A few weekends ago, after my husband and I had spent an evening at another couples home, I finally told my husband he could see his friend without me from now on. His friend perpetually gets angered by me when I speak. And typically it’s on the most benign subjects. And I end up apologizing for just chit chat. I told my husband no more. And rather than my husband ever stepping in and having my back, to at least calm his friend and tell him, “I mean no harm”, “or calm down”. Rather than to do that, he turned it around and made excuses that not everyone is perfect. And should his friends be perfect? Instead of him hearing me say, I will no longer be spoken to this way, that it isn’t acceptable. He devalued my worth of matter, that this is not acceptable for anyone to speak to anyone in that manner. And rather than this time get me to yet again apologize for my personal opinion or push me into heated argument, I calmly and quietly stated my case that if I had friends who spoke to him in such a manner I would say something. I also stated if I am such an offensive person to his friend I do not need to put myself around him and create such visceral response. I do not need to be treated or talked to in such a way, the two can continue their relationship. But, they may do so without me being around.
It is a start.
I have shared this article with my daughter and another friend. I hope that this helps them find their own voices. And allows them to find their own self value.
Thank you for this article!