I’ve received a lot of queries lately from people asking how they can get revenge against their Narcissist that left them. When people are angry and hurting and they realize that they’ve been duped, lied to and manipulated, it’s normal to want the person responsible to feel what you’re feeling.
One of the most difficult things to cope with is watching the one that hurt you, trot off unscathed, while you are left writhing in agony. While it may look rosy from where he’s standing, keep in mind that while you have the ability to grow and become a better person, your Narcissist does not. So before you start plotting out a method of revenge there are a few things you should consider.
“Know thine enemy and know yourself; in a hundred battles, you will never be defeated. When you are ignorant of the enemy but know yourself, your chances of winning or losing are equal. If ignorant both of your enemy and of yourself, you are sure to be defeated in every battle.” Chinese General Sun Tzu.
Your enemy is a predator, he feeds off of the emotions and kindness of those closest to him. He lies, manipulates and cons to get his way. He is disconnected from his emotions, feels a sense of entitlement and has an impaired ability to feel remorse or guilt.
You will not find emotional depth in your enemy. It’s just not there. What a Narcissist possesses are pseudo emotions, lacking in depth and substance. Every demonstration is superficial and short lived. He has learned to adapt by mimicking the emotions of others whenever necessary.
The dominant feelings found in a Narcissist are as follows:
Anger: This is generally the default setting on the Narcissists emotional scale. Any little thing can trigger an outburst. The ifs and whens are not consistent, so you never know when it’s coming, or the level he will take it to. He is a projector and likes to pass off his feelings onto others. Anger is commonly used as a manipulation tactic, or as a control mechanism to keep his minions in line and on their toes.
Smugness: When a Narcissists pulls one over on you he’s feeling pretty good about himself. If you’re hurting and pining for his return – that is shear bliss for him. Any time he can confirm to you and himself that he’s smarter and more superior, he will feel a sense of delight that looks and feels a lot like gloating. Do not expect concern or compassion when a Narcissist is inflicting his brand of torture, expect him to feel pleasure while he twists the knife.
Frustration: A Narcissist has poor impulse control. When he sees something, he wants it and he goes after it, but if there are obstacles in the way they can be a source of great irritation. When people don’t dance to his tune and acknowledge his superiority he will become exceedingly annoyed.
Boredom: Narcissists have a very low tolerance for routine. He quickly develops a tolerance to people and objects and his head is on a constant swivel looking for anything, or anyone shiny and new, that will generate a new thrill.
Obsession: When a Narcissist has found a new target he is a man obsessed. He can’t get enough of it. He wants to know everything about it. He becomes consumed, thinking about it night and day, working himself into a fevered pitch, until of course he grows a tolerance to it and boredom sets in.
Contempt: Narcissists hate people and all of humanity for that matter. They hate the objects of their obsession and they hate themselves for being dependent on the supply they provide. They would rather be alone and avoid humanity all together, but their incessant need for attention and admiration makes that impossible. To the Narcissists sense of grandiosity we are all objects, whose sole purpose is to provide him with amusement and adulation.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” Confucius
Why Any Revenge Strategy Against a Narcissist Will Ultimately Fail
Understanding how the enemy thinks and feels is one thing, but when you apply that to various approaches, you will see why any action you take is futile:
Reason: How do you reason with someone that twists the facts and has an aversion to the truth? They are the kings of justification. They minimize, rationalize and distort their involvement. When they have behaved badly, you can bet they’ve found a reason or a hundred that it’s entirely your fault.
Guilt: He may very well owe you something, but how do you make someone feel something they are incapable of feeling? They lack empathy and you can’t make someone accountable when they just don’t care. Because their thoughts are completely self-centered, It doesn’t compute with them that you have feelings. How they’ve made you feel is completely irrelevant to them.
Tears: Narcissists are uncomfortable around heady displays of emotion. They won’t listen and they will just extricate themselves from the situation. Tears actually work to their advantage. A Narcissist likes to know he can still affect you – positively or negatively, this is a source of Narcissistic Supply, so showing how much he has hurt you is a win, win situation for him.
Jealousy: Trying to make them feel jealous while they are in a cold phase won’t work either. If he has a new target in sight and your relationship is over or hanging by a thread, he’ll have no interest. He’ll view your attempt to make him jealous as nothing more than an ego stroke.
Character Assassination, Assault, or Property Damage: You can cause Narcissistic Injury, which is any slight real or imagined that threatens their ego and sense of grandiosity. Pointing out to them and others their flaws and what they’ve done, may cause them to fly into a rage. Their need to protect their ego at all costs is what drives them. Causing them physical harm, or damage to their property may also insight rage. But remember, if you persist you will not get out unscathed. They may cause you physical harm, lay criminal charges, or they may cut you out of their lives rapidly, so that you can’t do any more damage.
Any hostile act you visit upon them may be visited back upon you tenfold. If you do act out, all anyone will see or remember are your seemingly irrational actions. You end up looking like the one with the problem and all this does is give him more reasons to justify what he’s done, in his eyes and everyone else’s
“The best revenge is living well.” George Herbert
When you are involved with an abusive, malicious ego maniac the best course of action is to take the high road and do nothing. Just get the hell out of Dodge and don’t look back and deal with your pain on your own.
When you are stuck on anger and resentment and all you’re thinking is revenge those negative emotions will take a toll on you. For one, they will slow down your healing process and keep you fixated on the situation and stuck on pain. When you are so wrapped up in anger, it makes you paranoid and jaded. Don’t let him change who you are and turn you into an angry bitter person.
Also think about what you’re putting out there to the universe. When you’re obsessed about sticking it to him and all you feel is rage and hurt, the universe will reflect back to you what you’re thinking and feeling. The more intensely you focus on anger and hurt the faster the universe will deliver more people and circumstances that will evoke those feelings in you.
Understand that when someone has walked away from you – they have told you all you need to know about their feelings and what their intentions are. You can’t control them, but you can control yourself. How you deal with this defines your character.
And remember, while you may think you got the short end of the stick, you can heal yourself and go on and have a healthy happy relationship with someone else– he cannot. All of his relationships are bound to suffer the same fate. So be grateful that he’s someone else’s problem now.
So after all this, if you’re still bent on payback, recognize that what a Narcissist fears most, is being ordinary, unimportant and forgotten.
So forget him, find your bliss and fill the rest of your life with happiness and love. Let him have this battle, just make sure in the long run – that you win the war. That’s your best revenge.
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This is extremely precise.
After 2 years, out of the blue my ex narc showed up. Said formal hello via text message. I DIDNT REPLY. Then recently I found out, 2 weeks after I received his text, he got married.
Was he tried to show off that finally he will be get married…sooner than I? I know that one of the pleasures for a narc is making people jealous. Haha. Poor him, his trick didnt work with me.
I was the one who walk away, FYI. And for me when a relationship is over, then its over. I never contacted him anymore since then. I focused on recovery, instead.
Beside, if he’s really happy with his new relationship and the wedding, why would he bother sending text to me? None of my business by the way. Im glad he’s someone’s problem now.
Thank you for this article. It’s opened my eyes a lot now being 1-month post break up with my ex narc bf. I was manipulated, put down constantly and taken advantage for almost a year and a half and eventually thought to believe that I deserved to be treated that way. He would make comments like I needed to go to the gym in order to be his girlfriend, I looked like I had a 13-year-old boy body, I had no boobs or ass..everything was about the physical appearance to him – because that’s all he had going for him. He was jealous of my successful career and progression and was even mad at the fact I earned more than him. He ruined my possessions in the past (I had a 4-year-old journal I’d write in every day and he’d rip the whole thing up), cut up my clothes etc (which should have been a warning sign at first). I was too naive to know how to get out and what to do next so I kept coming back in this vicious cycle due to his “I’ll change, I’ll do better next time, I love you..” lies.
Everything makes sense now when I finally got out of my trapped self-realising that he had all these narc traits after reading all these articles on it. He lacked self-confidence, empathy, and had no remorse for any of his actions. We only ‘broke up’ because he later on physically abused me (he knew I had an ex that has done the same and kept saying that he deserves to die and he would hurt him if he saw him) only just to find out he was the exact same person. I had to put 2 restraining orders on him because he denied all the assault allegations but was so proud that he ‘got away’ with it and said I would get in trouble for lying to the cops for the 1st restraining order. The next day he came back and breached that same restraining order put in place by damaging yet another one of my possessions. He pleaded guilty to intimidation and a 2nd restraining order is put in place. He is now no longer allowed to contact me at all and cannot go anywhere near me or my work otherwise it could jeopardise his visa to stay in the country. Unfortunately, this had to happen in order for us to break up – so for any girls or guys out there that are in a similar situation, get out before it’s too late and he or she gets violent. Protect yourself and stay strong. This process hasn’t been easy for me since it’s still so new, but having a community like this and reading about everyone’s experiences makes it easier to know that it will pass and that it will get better. We’re all here for you!
wow, did the violence come out in any way prior? did he ever say he had done so before you, hit a woman?
Your story is similar to mine, 1 month out of someone whos been in my life 1.5 years and holy hell I have only one thing left to worry about and it’s a pet that moved in here and has stayed since the breakup.
I dont want any contact andn I dont think the pet is taken care of. I am hoping to keep it.
I messaged last week to say the pet is doing well and he said I can keep it. He asked me for a beer an hour later, I declined, and he went psycho- putting me down, saying the whole relationship was a farce, he never loved me he tried to change me ect. he said he would come for the pet in 2 weeks.
I don’t know what to do now but I blocked all contact and dont plan to ever speak to him again if I dont have to.
The article is excellent and the comments are true to every aspect of a Narcissist. My mother is a woman who is an extreme narcissist. No feelings. Smug! Abusive! Being her daughter is horrible. She’s 59 years old (my father passed away in 2010 he was just as horrible and narcissistic) and still parties like a teenager: binge drinking (don’t be around her when she’s drunk too much she’s mean and ugly), smoking weed, causing problems to strangers and neighbors. Belittles me and my siblings to death and constantly posing as a woman who is better than thou and loves to manipulate everyone and situation. Control freak to the max! Get’s strangers and neighbors to jump on her bandwagon and feel sooooo sorry for her because a neighbor won’t allow her to be used as a floor mat. I only visit her on Mother’s Day and Christmas. My other siblings don’t want to be bothered! Friends have dumped her. She only has one good friend surprised she’s hanging around.
He , his , him , he ,his ,him . Get real . When reading this you described my ex ,(Wich is a her / she )like you knew her if it wasn’t for the constant gender specific he, his , him . Being destroyed in every way possible from emotionaly to financially by mother of my child/ covert narsassit then reading a sexist atricsl on HIM and HE ,pisses me off . It’s like your insinuating only men could be such evil creatures .
I initially started this website to help women cope with Narcissistic abuse. Soon I noticed I had a lot of men viewing my articles, looking for answers as well and my posts over the last few years reflect gender neutrality, but I am always confused by the fact that a person can’t just go with it if it applies to them. When I read something that uses the male pronoun and it applies to me I don’t get upset and lash out. I’m ok with it and take what I can from it.
Agreed. My female Ex fit the description you described to the letter! We were shortly married, split up because she was treating me like dirt and man oh man did she feel slighted. Our divorce took as long as the time we were married (2 years) because she was trying to get as much out of me as she possibly could. She lied to all of our friends that I was abusive, lied to the judge about it, and even had the gall to then call me crying to say we hadn’t even tried to “work on things.” It was insanity. Anyway, I agree with your statement that I just changed the he to she in my head and it all worked out fine. I have similar problems when reading about the emotional (and occasional physical) abuse I suffered. It was mostly about men being cruel to women. But the exact same patterns are there and I can still learn! Thanks for this post.
way to completely miss the point of the article.
The author was not implying only men could be narcissistic. And anyone with a shred of logic or objectivity could see that. But your social justice wokeness won’t let you see beyond the pronouns. How do you ever enjoy life like that?
It’s all true. I had an experience that I grew up with had highly abusive and narcissistic father and mother in a problematic country where you simply cannot develop financial independence from parents except with a great effort and help of – parents. Lack of jobs, constant political turmoil and wars – of course no one suffered more than them. Thanks god I’m on other continent and don’t have to see them ever again.
I have been living (actually, wouldn’t call it living) with my NPD husband for 20 years. He is emotionally, verbally and occasionally physically abusive. None of our family or friends know. They all think he is great. We look so “ideal” to outsiders. But almost every single day I am trying to figure out how to escape. Some days are better than others, when he isn’t raging it’s actually great. But his true self always surfaces eventually, usually once a month or so. He always, always threatens to leave. Always tells me I’m such a stupid f’ing b***h, no one else would ever want me, why don’t you get a job, freeloader, etc.,etc…I think I am finally beginning to deflect some of his nastiness, and just pretend that life is great and all that jazz, but I’m really growing weary of this.
Katie, start making plans to get the heck out of there now — he’s never going to change and he’s going to eat you alive.
Keep a diary of his abuses, including dates and times. Witnesses, too, if there are any, but the narcissist is usually very careful to keep his public image shiny clean.
Let him know that you will call the police FIRST next time he physically assaults you, then do it. And don’t back down.
Tell people close to you exactly what is going on, do not sugar-coat anything. Ask them to look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder online to read a little bit about the hell you’re going through. Read that stuff yourself, too.
If you think that you are unable to make a living and support yourself, get into a community college as soon as possible and learn a good-paying trade. He will hate this because he knows he might lose control of you, but persevere with the help of others who care about you.
Face the fact that he is not going to change, face the fact that he is shattering your personality and does not care that he is hurting you. In fact, that gives him an immense amount of pleasure. And face the fact that many people will not believe you because they like his shiny clean public image and would never believe the truth about his Mr. Hyde side.
I finally divorced mine after 24 years. It’s a hard, lonely road, but you can save yourself and you are totally and completely worth it. Go, Girl, and God go with you.
Start quietly planning your escape NOW. Never let the narc. know or you will regret it as the mental abuse will skyrocket until you think your insane. DO tell everyone you know who you trust, family, close friends that are not his also, Dr’s. Zone in on your assets what you enjoy doing and somehow turn that into a business for income. PRIVATELY. You cannot let the narc. know this. I just recently left a 37 year marriage to the most evil of narcs possible. DO KNOW THIS, he already has been telling his friends, co workers and family that your not stable. I truly saved my own life by the time I left I was suicidal .. He knew this .. I was used up completely and of no more use, weekly he was saying, we need to get some life insurance on you so I will be okay when and if something happens to you. I was so very ill with a host of ailments, all the while he was bringing home bags upon bags of sweets.. I had to hide healthy foods. I was diabetic, lost my thyroid, adrenal failure… I was almost dead. The day I took myself to the ER for suicide thoughts, … after I got home the house was littered with life ins brochure’s… The narc never paid his income taxes, never paid student loans, about to loose or home to property taxes never being paid. I WAS HIS SOLUTION To keep his fake clean outward persona ………. be prepared also for when you leave no one will ever believe you. UNLESS you start telling people NOW what has been happening, document EVERYTHING.
I have been out only 3 months now. I survived.
I am speechless. God be with you. I’m so so very sorry that you had to go through that. You’re surviving and I’m so thankful for you that this is not how your story ends. Great things lie ahead in your freedom.
Great article. Today I feel stronger than the first time in months. The fog has lifted and am able to separate my emotions and my logical brain.
Granted the relationship was relatively short but as it was my first real relationship it hurt like hell. Now that I have read everything I can about narcissism particularly the covert kind. I see his behavior now as completely predictable.
Yesterday after weeks of hiding his profile picture on Whatsapp (ie presumably deleted my number, as I could see his last seen.) He opened it with a lovey dovey picture of him and his victim. This was expected and strangely didn’t hurt me. I actually just chuckled. I am moving to the stage now where I feel nothing about him, no missing, no anger, no jealousy really just pity. I deleted his number from my phone for good. He was already blocked along with his friends and family on social media. I think when you start pitying him one can heal.
I would never tell him that I feel sorry for him as that will feed his ego but in my heart now, I know he is just a pathetic empty individual and what he does is of no concern to me. I deserve happiness and a healthy life with a man or not. For now being single and involved with my friends and family is allowing me to be content. A great place to be.
Stay strong and live well. …’do you for you’…you deserve it!
It’s a lot harder when it’s your parents and had to grow up in it. However, for the sanity of yourself and your family, you just have to cut them out.
Hello I had (have) narcisstic parents and cut them off a year ago. I am deeply sorry for all of you who have endured this sort of thing. It took a lot of pain for me to get to the point of no contact, and I sincerely wish if any of you are still in contact with people like this that you summon the strength to end it. There is nothing in it for you with people like this. They are empty, pathetic, and feed off your emotions like vampires. Leave them to Satan who waits for them with his coal burners. Even if there is no hell, their life is a living hell and they would love for you to join them. They are toddlers and it’s quite pathetic but as they say, living well is the best revenge. I used to focus on how to get even but now I realize what a waste of energy this is! They hate you for being happy! It’s their worst nightmare – gotta love it.
I just read this & what if you are dealing with a Narcissus parent who is the mother of your granddaughter who she knocked on our door & said Hi my name is ….. & this is yalls 3week Old granddaughter came in becz we let her in our house & then she left her. At the time my husband called our son, my stepson, & asked him bout it told him this girl left s baby said it was his etc., he said it wasn’t & would not have anythg to do with her. After 6 mnths, she got blood work & it was 99’.9% his so he started to see her then watevr that girl, our granddaughters mother told him he believed & hadn’t spoke to us since. Now aftr 3 years of hvg our granddaughter on our home she had pulled her away from us said we would never see her again & if we tried to contact her she wld our a restraining order against us. So with broken hearts, my husband & I do not really know wat to do except maybe a lawyer to get grandparent visitation rights & we know our granddaughter misses us deeply as we do hers. The mother has all the traits of a Narcissus to where we hv even witness her outburst in our granddaughter & then I had confronted her bout lying & manipulating everyone & everything so that is when she became angry. The mother listed me as our granddaughters primary caregiver/daycare whn she worked. We would like to work this out among ourselves but like I said, she has blocked us.. knowing that we can’t see our beautiful sweet granddaughter tears Ius to pieces & to even think that she wonders where we are & is forbidden to speak our names & is toms lies is even worse that hurts more that not seeing her. We love her & provided everythg for her. She has all her toys clothes even own room here… sad, even angry at times, really we need guidance to direct us to know “Do we hired an attorney or Do we do nothing” ? Any response would be helpful. And also the mother is going around telling lies that we are trying to take our granddaughter from her r making threats. Which we have not & dont even teybto defend ourselves cz it’s totally not true, but please help or respond if you could. All that is described as s Narcissus is what she is.. thank you kindly, Broken hearts grandparents
Very good article. Something that you would want to print out and send to a narcissist to make yourself feel better but I guess that would defeat the purpose of the article which is to not feed the predator.
One other thing…for all of this to work you MUST block their phone numbers and block email messages. I’m one of those who knows only names,not numbers so my ex’s number is blocked and I don’t know it. but remember,you can’t delete the blocked number from your phone because then it won’t be blocked anymore. just leave it on the blocked list and DON’T LOOK AT IT!
This article is so true and had so many helpful strategies. Thank you!
I just wanted to say thank you for this site. I’m currently a hot mess coming out of 10 years of chaos with my N. I had a hard day so I sat and wrote a long, angry text to him after 2 weeks of no contact, then I deleted it & came on here, found this article and snapped back into reality. I’m trying everyday to wrap my brain around the fact he isn’t wired right and I need to just let it go. So thank you, again. You are saving me one article at a time. It’s become a true blessing during a very hard time in my life!
Thank you, more than, for this read. I’ve just “escaped” from a relationship with a classic narcissist. I’m crushed, angry, feeling lowest of the low yet, after much research and almost obsessing about this person and how manipulated I let myself be … I honestly have to admit that I’m the one who is free and able to live my life forward without guilt or regret ~ eventually. By the way, if you run into an older, charismatic yoga instructor in your circles – DO NOT ENGAGE!!! Thank you again for your healing write. ; )
Me too Missy my soon to be ex husband went ballistic when I served him with divorce papers after two full years of lying and cheating with whores right inside our house and marital bed! My 9 year old son had to tell me the truth!
Heidi- the charismatic yoga teacher- it happened to me too. I think yoga teachers become have a god complex and become downright delusional. Yoga is great but can be very dangerous as well. This is the first I’ve read if this specific thing happening to someone else. Wow.
My father is a classic N with a smug god complex! Totally relate to this comment OMG!
Wow so well described the definition narcissism ! It couldn’t b better!
I’ve been a victim of narcissism by my sister, husband, in laws, boss and now to my utter horror, my daughter in law, mother of my first grandchild. They are all over causing misery my dil is the queen of narcissism. Horrible and my son has fallen prey, poor guy. How can I see my granddaughter who lives 15 minutes away when the dil restricts me from seeing her. She gives my son hell when I ask. It’s killing me. Breaks my heart. What can I do?
Another grandmother. I really feel for you because my DIL is also an N. Took me a long time to figure it out ..but she fits the psychological check list almost to a T. I have to walk a thin line with her. The only hope I have is that she needs me from time to time to care for the kids while she goes off on frequent business trips. My son has changed from a loving, funny, thoughtful man into her pawn. The whole family notices it. So do his friends. He hasn’t many friends anymore because she wants control and doesn’t want any competition. That is all sad, but the worst is the way she treats my oldest grandchild…the younger one too, but the oldest is her scapegoat. It breaks my heart. Please email me privately if you want to talk. This is agony. I have to deal with her. I can’t break it off. But she hates me because I have challenged her…gently I thought, but she flew into a rage. So now she’s very cold and my son is nervous around me. My grandchild clings to me and told me he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. I live across the country so he can’t just come over when it gets bad. I worry for him so much. I despise her, but have to keep it under wraps because of the children. Help.
I know exactly Heidi my narcissistic soon to be ex husband is a psychopath and already has another new girlfriend in the bed we haven’t even signed the divorce papers! It’s sickening filth and she’s not the first slut there are many and right in front of my young son, 11 and 15 year old daughter I had to get a good lawyer but EXPENSIVE
I can really relate to this, a female narcissist. Most articles (including this one) assume and/or imply that narcissists are almost exclusively male. Anyway I got out of the relationship – instigated by my n. wife – best thing she ever did for me, although it didn’t feel like that at the time. Anyway please feel free to contact if you would like to discuss.
N’s aren’t always males. You are right Paul they can be females just as easily. I was with one for 1.5 years while she was divorcing her poor souled ex husband…who ironically contacted me after and told he wanted to call me whilst dating his ex wife to RUN!! I’m free now, but i was in the relationship i was a complete victim. Since the demise of our relationship which she instigated cause i had ran the course of serving my purpose to her, she has found a new victim a Christian Comedian (oxymoron if you ask me). Any way thanks for your comment. Here’s to all of us finding happiness and taking the high road!!
I personally agree with all of this even if your life isn’t happier. Being away from that is best
I have been with an Np for 5 years and I am still currently in a loveless sexless boring relationship.Just like everyone else it started just ok plenty of red flags that I ignored the first night we went out he called me a bitch and was so fucking rude to me I could not believe it. I thought it was me because I was over 30 and worked at the local animal shelter. I was trying to find myself and was valunerable. I ended up leaving my family for this man I broke up with my man and best friend of 10 years a man who was very deeply in love with me and who for the most part always treated me with love and respect and he accepted my only child as his own. Well i left him and abandoned my mother who has had a stroke. My mother did not have a car or any real way to get around except for public transportation and without me being there it was even more difficult for her to stay on top of her utilitys. When i told him my mom needed my help he called my mother a crack head. Those are some of the things I feel massive guilt about .He has sexually abused me he would hit me when i was sucking his dick and telling me i was not doing it right well he only stopped hitting me when one night he hit me after cumming in my mouth and I spit it directly in his face. He has tried to destroy my self esteem by calling me ugly telling me i need make up and fake hair to look half way decent. I lost 70 pounds the first 6 months of being with him and of course I was called anorexic and told i looked like a base head. Of course when my grandmother died a woman whos name i carry he called me everyday and made sure that he let me know that i was being replaced and that he did not care that my grandmother was gone. I was never allowed to work when i finally got an interview he told me that why would someone hire a old black woman like me when there are so many young beautiful white girls that they will give the job to. He took me to St.Louis for the first time just so he could have cheap sex with the local women he also paid 250 dollars for me to get a beautiful hair style that he pulled out and left huge bald spots in my hair. He abadoned me in New Orleans. I had to turn to my family to get me back to California. I can really go on about all the things he has done
. More recently i finally was able to secure a job where within a few months I was picked for employee of the month and promoted I finally was in a positive enviroment. Well during Christmas my mom niece son and brother came to visit . My brother needed me to take my own child back to the airport so of course that was an issue and we were arguing he ended up saying very cruel stuff about my mother as well as pushing me so i grabbed my blow dryer and hit him in the head he had to go to the hospital and get 4 staples in his head. Even as of this passed Friday we went out to eat and i sat in the booth first and he of course had to rudely be in my space slightly elbowing me with every movement when I said can you slide over a little he told me i should have sat my ugly gremlin ass on the outside . I am in the process of building my self esteem through my job i am also looking for another job so i can get away from him and will be able to pay my own rent and bills I have burned my bridges with my family and friends because i have left him before but when i do leave him i come of as a cry baby victim with severe emotional problems. I have also been looking into womens shelters as i am very scared of what i might do to him I just want to be able to live a healthy happy life I am determained to do so and I will. I am not his victim anymore.
I really hope that you have been able to work towards your goal of separating from this piece of shit-horrible excuse for a man…let alone a human being! the examples you have shared of the abuse you have endured made my stomach churn and heart stop for you. your value and worth as a person is worth re-discovering. all of the energy you expend being in a relationship with him…start using that energy to find and love yourself. i am so thankful you have a job where you are lifted up and valued. Stay safe. Stay strong…you are so much stronger than you realize.
Damn narcist are taylor Swift’s song people … “how can a devil seem so much like an angel when he smiles at you ” or smthing like that he will manupulate your mind to that extent that while reading this article u’ll want to help your poor baby even more Cuz it seems like a mental disorder and beleive that a person betrayed and was a catch from childhood proneto have this and he needs help and love don’t do this i beg you …i am in a relationship with a super rich super model and standford student who was an angel once but turned out to be a nastiest narcist … he helps people very much always lends money and drives beggars in his jaguar to restos and very respectful for girls but always scolds his family members and hurts you very badly and calls if u r crying well and considers himself god’s angel and he is just so pathetic and complicated …. A NARCIST LOVE IS VERY PASSIONATE . I’ve been in relationship for 3 months now and i’ll break up with him ..he already wasted 6 months of my life and i am so done …. i will never ever try to meet him or call him he is a big red alert … “I knew you were trouble ” suits him and i am going to download this song so it will remind me not to date him “the very rich hot and handsome nasty narcist ” man it hurts just to leave him like this and not wanting any revenge but he will not feel anything ….
Absolutely brilliant article! Had everything I need to know, NC and making The Final Discard is the best way to heal and also to win…. and Karma takes care of the narc..
The Narcissist I was married to was LOUSY in bed and that’s the main reason we never had sex for 5 years I wanted to get counseling but he refused!
She moved on in a week. I’m not that stupid. Pretty sure she had this cat, an old college buddy, on the hook well before crap canning me. Guess that’s the hurtful part that still gnaws at me
When I finally figured out that I was dealing with a narcissist who was prepping to be with his next victim (how I found out), I was red with fury. The night I found out, I had also had several cocktails after a wonderful night in the city with friends. Because I had already picked up on his intense and persistent need to pretend to be something he wasn’t, My anger led me to expose him.
My revenge was immediate, after the discovery of what may have been his next woman (I didnt stick around to find out). My revenge was exposing him to a company who had recently offered him a sales job. I knew he had lied to them about how his previous job ended (using me as the reason, in fact) so i told the company that he was really fired for poor sales performance and insubordination… which was true. The company immediately rescinded their offer. He was jobless and exposed. With no prospects, money or car.
It felt great for, literally, 10 minutes after exposing him. And then I felt overwhelming guilt as I am not vengeful person. when I found out my message was successful and he indeed did not get the job, I felt even worse. Sent me into constant panic attacks and hyperventillation as I await his revenge and just re evaluate myself for having done it. I have had a bad break up before (not with a narcissist) and I never even considered revenge. He suspects it was me so I am sure he is plotting.
Now… a month later, I am still hyperventilating and trying to figure out how to heal. It truly WAS NOT worth it. Especially now that I know I was dealing with a narcissist… which I didnt at the time.
13 years of hell with an NP have left me feeling like an empty shell of my former self. I have 4 children with this pos. The love bombing in the beginning, isolating me from family and friends, gas lighting…years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. My NP projected his multiple affairs and lies onto me in order to keep me under control. Now that he has a fresh new target he has left me holding the bag of our former life. All the financial fall out. Trying to raise our kids and seek counseling for them and myself. I can’t go NC because of our kids. Even now he has this need to try to bait and hook me by pretending to feel bad for me. He pretends to feel sorry. He says he has forgiven himself and I should do the same. Meanwhile he still tries to feed off of my emotional vunerability . He is in the early stages of love bombing his new target and covers his lies and the fact he already cheats on her too. It is going to take me years to rebuild myself from the inside out. Narcissists are like leeches that bleed every bit of your soul dry. They are lacking the ability to feel empathy and compassion for anything or anyone. They are masks of human beings who are actually inhuman to their very core. They seek to survive off of healthy, loving people’s emotions and psyches. They lack the one thing that makes most healthy people connected and real…and that’s THE ABILITY TO LOVE. Please. If you even suspect you have a relationship with a NP and if you are able….CUT CONTACT. RUN. GET OUT. Before you are left as an empty shell of your former self. Take care and good luck.
Excellent. I will print this out and read it often. My daughter’s ex caused such pain that I start thinking about revenge whenever he is around. She has moved on, I am still caught up in the desire to exact revenge! This is so accurate. I am motivated to let it go!!!
I did seek revenge against my narcissistic ex boyfriend by filing a restraining order against him. After he broke up with me and threw me to the streets, i could not believe what I had happened to me. I was shocked. I could not stand the idea of he getting away with everything he had put me through and the irreparable emotional damage he had caused me. So one day I wrote down everything he did to me from controlling to manipulating to humiliating me and brought it to the domestic violence division. I didn’t do this out of anger only I really wanted to go no contact and I knew he would try to come back and keep messing around with my brain. They denied my petition but still gave me a court date, and told me he would get a copy of what I wrote with the court file. Just imagine what his reaction must have been like when he got summoned. EXPOSED! Yes, having done what I did extended my pain and suffering. Yes, it made me feel like a psycho ex boyfriend. Yes, my petition ended up being rejected. Yes, I’m still in major pain dealing with all the post-narcissistic abuse symptoms. However, I am more than certain what I did most definitely will prevent him from doing more damage to others. At least he will think twice about hurting other guys like me. These people really need to be exposed otherwise as long as they go unpunished they will continue to abuse others.
Thank you for this fantastic post. It helped explain my ex boyfriend’s horrible behavior and reinforced what I feel is the best revenge– Living well and being happy. He is a textbook N and after a year and a half, his abusive side grew tenfold and made my life a nightmare. I had to pack my things in one afternoon and leave the state–leaving a fantastic job and most of what I owned, just to keep the abuse from resulting in physical harm and my mental state from further deterioration. The true abuse started when we got a home together and he no longer felt he needed to be nice to get what he wanted. Like you stated, they hate to be dependent and hate you for all you give them. Exactly the behavior you discussed here. I should have realized earlier. Once I left, the reign of hate continued mixed with guilt trips and endless harassment. Taking control away is unthinkable to them. Ignoring them is even worse. There are days I want to scream at him for all the pain he’s inflicted on me but as you said, they don’t really have normal feelings and feed off the negative engery you give them. They love to see you hurt. The best revenge is to cut them loose and never speak again. It won’t really do much but drive them a little nuts for awhile but the point is that if you get away, forget them but not the lesson, and you win in the end. You can’t really hurt them and why bother? Worry about yourself and find someone who is worthy of your love–someone cabable of love. Be without if you must. There is happiness in being single too. They will likely die angry and alone. You have a life of happiness and meaning ahead. No need to waste another precious moment of life on someone so toxic and worthless. Forget them.
I can’t really relate… I was abandoned by a narcissist father as a baby. As he ran away he left a mess behind him and never took responsibility for his children (I wasn’t the only one). He hurt many people, terribly. Then he went on to building a new life pretending like everything was good. And now – when confronted – he lies again, he’s trying to intimidate people and he does this with no mercy. He’s an old man now, with a new family, a little child… and he still haven’t changed or grown up.
I have a good life, I don’t think I have to prove anything to him. I know he doesn’t care about me at all so if I’m happy or not – it won’t change a thing. But I think he should feel consequences of his crimes somehow. People should see him for who he really is.
And one more thing – my mother never took any kind of revenge on him, never wanted anything, said it doesn’t matter, she’s fine without him. Well guess what – she’s not fine, never been. And I think it’s because she never got angry at him properly and she should have done that for herself, her mental health.
Wanda what good does it do to run around and shout from the rooftops what a horrible person your father is? All that does is make you look crazy. Trust me when I say people will see his behavior for what it is and judge him accordingly. When the Narcissist is a spouse or partner you look bitter and jaded and no one will believe you. I am a firm believer in letting people experience their own consequences. Your mother should have gotten mad. Please don’t mistake what I’m saying – I’m not saying let them run around and destroy your life – I’m saying get out – walk away and don’t look back. You can’t make someone accountable who takes no accountability – you can’t force someone to feel guilt or shame – you can’t make yourself sad enough to make someone with no empathy feel sorry for you. All of this is energy wasted. Energy that should be spent on you and your well-being.
Part of healing is to come to terms with what has been done to you. Having other people hear and understand your truth is very important. If you are dealing with a covert narc, other people WILL NOT see them for what they are. That is the problem. Processing the abuse a person has been through is NOT wasted energy. It is part of the healing process. A very important part.
Whew! So thankful I was only involved with my N for six months. Like everyone else, he was the greatest guy ever at the beginning but very quickly things began to surface. My short hair was too dykey, my cooking sucked, along with my driving and my clothes… get a load of this… my shirts and blouses looked like turtle shells because “everyone” knows they should have collars. Yes, I’m serious. And then…. he taught me a form of backgammon called acey-ducey that requires strategic planning and execution and then thoroughly enjoyed beating me at it repeatedly but also chastising me for making what he considered the wrong moves. Once I finally started winning the occasional game his hostility really flared up. I recognized early that something wasn’t right and had even figured out that things that were important to me were the very things he chose to with-hold. PDA’s and finally even sex. Th e good times were divine but quickly the imbalance of good times to bad tipped significantly. I first Googled “boyfriends who critique” and that’s when I first heard of NPD ~ I had no idea people like this actually existed. Next I texted an old flame of his just to ask if she’d ever encountered certain behaviors. She confirmed it all and was the first to tell me about no contact. Christmas Eve morning I decided the gift I most wanted was to have him gone once and for all. I texted him that I’d been researching his behavior and that he should read up on NPD as it would explain a lot… no, it would explain everything.
And this is why narcs keep abusing people. Cuz people don’t expose them. They walk away after being destroyed by these filthy disgusting pos beings and stay quiet. That’s real helpful in making sure the narc can move on and abuse others. This is why society is a mess. Not forcing a narc to take responsibility for their evil behavior. And they are evil to the core. Abusing people and their children. They are sick and society better start doing something to these narcs. They get away with it and keep doing it. Sick. What’s more sick is people keeping quiet about their abuse. Silence is consent.
Dena.. I agree that exposing them would be great… but.. there are times when “staying quiet” is best..! Just remember.. we are dealing with a narcissist..! Depending on the situation and the Narc.. some people really don’t have any other choice other than to not expose them.! Narcs are vengeful and dangerous people.. Not only do we have to deal with the narcissist.. but in most cases, we end up having to deal with the narcs enablers as well.. which can make someone’s life worse if they speak up. So, it really depends on what feels right, and safe.. for the survivor..! Yes, it may seem that they do get away with it.. but It does all catch up with them.. eventually..!
I can’t discount what Jasmin says about taking safety into consideration. Every circumstance is different. However, I completely agree with Dena about how they rely on their victims to stay quiet. If you have anything, witnesses, bank records, etc to back you up, go ahead and expose them. They are only dangerous in the shadows. In the light of day, they’re cowards. Now with social media, it really isn’t too hard to reach out to their exes. You can get a lot of back up from them. Then, reach out to the new targets. They really will dismiss you as crazy, but sooner or later they will get it. And if your forewarning them gives them the opportunity to take some steps to protect themselves, you’ve done the universe a solid. What’s the saying about evil? Something along the lines of the only thing that allows evil to triumph is for good men ( or women) to do nothing. Do something. Let your N know you’ve got the goods on him, and his past will forever more reach into his present. There’s no law against telling the truth about someone. better yet when you can independently substantiate it.
This is an amazing article and really resonated with me. Thank you so much for posting it. In June 2015 I met a guy on holiday and we hit it off great. He was charming and funny and kind. We kept in contact afterwards and the contact grew into daily phone calls and weekend facetime chats. After 7 months of this we agreed we should meet up and give this relationship a go so I flew out to Australia (from the UK). What an eye opener! His mask dropped on day 2 when he started losing his temper for things like me asking if he wanted some toast. By day 4 I was walking on egg shells and felt I couldn’t say anything for fear of it being twisted and thrown in my face. I felt so vulnerable as I was in a strange country living in his home. I just took his abuse for two weeks. However, he was also very kind on the odd occasion but it was over shadowed by him anihalating me as a person and being called all manner of terrible things and making me feel worthless. There were two nights were I was too scared to go to sleep after he’d drunk himself into an abusive rage. I was glad to go and got up early on my last day to pack. He drove me to the airport while I was sobbing all the way at the thought of what could have been and feeling so sad at the thought that he never was the person he said he was…and he just dropped me at the drop and go section and drove off! I suffered for months after this verbal and emotional abuse. I should be grateful I found out his true colours sooner rather than later. 11 months later he has married to a very pretty and intelligent lady but I fear he married her so quickly to prevent her leaving him when he drops his mask. I desperately wanted revenge and to tell his fiance how dangerous he is but I feared I’d come off like a crazy, jealous ex because he projects such a believablely good facade. This experience has jaded me rather a lot and I try not to let it affect the way I think about my new boyfriend but I keep waiting for his mask to slip and am hyper vigilant to what he says or does. I must stop this. I hope karma or the universe makes that dangerous psycho pay somehow. While it was so tempting to ruin his wedding by sending him into a rage with my revelations I decided against it as it would have achieved nothing. And to be honest, even though he’s in Oz, he’s originally from th UK and I’d be scared he retaliated in a some terrible way as he knows my work and home address. Thank you again for a great article and making me realise there was nothing I could have done differently.
I got revenge against my narcissistic ex-sister. All I had to do was tell the TRUTH! I EXPOSED HER AND ALL OF HER ATROCITIES ON FACEBOOK! One by one , Family & Friends came forward to tell me they were also victimized by her! So far, we have counted 27 victims. My Family has now disowned her and changed their locks. Thank God I live over 1000 miles from her.
My mother is a narcissistic , its so fucking sick. Put me and my brother through alot of physical and emotional abuse. Didn’t even care about me and my brother getting molested and stuck up for the pedophile. That is one of the most evil things for a mother to do. Since the laws in america are so messed up far as punishing sexual predators, they are by far the most evil people and need to serve life without parole or death penalty. No if ands or buts about it. If you are a parent and let your child get molested or raped and allow it and not care. You deserve to be punished very severe (life without parole or death penalty). Which is what happened to my brother the second time he was molested. My mother also: has no conscious, no compassion, no forgiveness, no empathy, acts like she is more superior or smarter then anybody, sexiest, racist, fucking coward, doesn’t take responsibility for any of her actions, nothing is ever her fault, lies about anything and everything, arrogant, most self-centered person I’ve ever known, has no friends, sick minded as fuck, most superficial person I have ever known, scummy scummy religious views, hardly helped me or my brother with anything in life, has spoiled my sisters with everything, and takes advantage of people to her own benefit. If I could have her locked up in prison I would do it in a second with no questions asked. I love her because she is my mom, but as a person she is scum of the earth. Narcissistic people are impossible to love, narcissistic people are scum of the earth and they know what they’re doing and thinking and don’t care. That’s so scummy.
My 7 yr relationship with my narc ex just ended and after reading this article I feel so stupid. Its been a long road with many painful obstacles including horrible verbal and physical abuse and a marriage behind my back. When I found out two weeks ago that he has been sleeping with not only one but two women since July (mind you this is right after my Dad’s sudden death which he was more than aware of) I cussed him out and slapped him several times…very hard. I wish I would have had the strength to just walk away but I 100% freaked out and confronted him.
How to get my belongings back from a cocky NARCISSIST
Really – never look back? As in no more contact with the narc? I was dumped, by a narc some weeks ago. And I really wanna call him. Might not though, after this article…
I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist for almost 1.5 years. Just like all the other situations, things started out so amazing…I almost believed he was “the one.”
The past year has been a cycle of ups and downs. Pushing me away, pulling me back. Telling me I’m selfish, a cheater, and a gold digger…then telling me I’m amazing, beautiful, and intelligent.
There have been moments of triangulation (almost the entire relationship) and constant dishonesty. I feel incredibly ashamed that I didn’t break things off and walk away.
He eventually broke things off (wanting to stay friends of course) because (according to him) I’m selfish and I won’t buy him expensive gifts like he buys for me. I am so angry at him in so many ways and for so many things.
Although I’m hurt, at times I feel at peace to not have the drama and chaos. Other times I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.
I DON’T EVEN WANT MY NARCISSIST BACK — BUT WHY AM I SO OBSESSED WITH MY EX?
You get engaged. You move to Texas to close the distance. Four months later, the woman says, I don’t want this anymore, I’m not going to marry you.
You pack your things and leave the next day.
Before the plane lands, she’s “BEGGING” you to come back. I’m such a fool. You’re THE BEST man I’ve ever had.
Couple of months later, you figure it was wedding jitters since she’s already been married twice.
You go back.
Two months later, she’s seeing someone else — only to find out that she’s been seeing another man the entire 2 1/2 year relationship.
Per that man’s request (no one serious, just someone she’s sleeping with, she tries to put you out on the street when you don’t know a soul. Since you have residency and she can’t do that, she calls the cops FIVE TIMES with FALSE accusations that you hit her so she can get the court order of protection to put you out.
She calls the so-called fiancee 5 O’clock in the morning to tell him she’s sleeping with someone else and have that someone text you SHE’S IN GOOD HANDS.
You lose 8 jobs in NY being in TX and Four jobs in TX being in NY.
And you are stuck with a $30,000 car note.
I PROPOSED TO HER ON MY YOUTUBE VIDEO:
PLEASE HELP ME, I CAN’T EVEN GRIEF MY MOTHER’S RECENT DEATH PROPERLY!
I don’t agree with this article. I think anger and self respect is an important part of recovery. And I think women especially need to be comfortable in their anger. Yeah, he will tell you, you are psych when you tear him a new one but, that is just his disease talking. People who have been tortured scream. If you are ripping him a new one than you are displaying self-respect and no, you don’t need to apologize for that. The sexist game that anytime a woman calls out a man’s abusive behavior, and is called a nut for doing so has gotten old. It is time we stand up to bullies and watch the pathetic losers crawl away when you do so. He may not change. But love yourself, and when attacked, attack. And leave them crawling like wounded worms when you are done with them.
Docwimz: I’m pretty sure I didn’t say don’t get angry. I’m a big fan of anger and I’ve written about it many, many times. See my article Anger a Tool For Action. You are misinterpreting what I’m trying to say here. Most people have called out their Narc 1000 times already. When you make up your mind it’s over – just detach, let go and don’t invest anymore energy. Going into hysterics isn’t going to make you feel any better, but if that’s what you want to do – be my guest.
MY MOTHER IS A NARCISSIST, AND SHE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO CAUSE PAIN IN HER SONS, I DON´T KNOW WHY SHE TARGETS ONLY HER SONS.
this is how you get reveng: wait. when they come back because they ran out of suply or they want to test the water, reject the hell out of them. then text or email every one whose opinion they give a shit about and who was at all privy to any part of your relationship and tell them that their friend/sister/whatever just tried to come crawling back to you, that you told her to fuck off, and that you would appreciate their help keeping her away from you, as she is not your problem anymore … then, laugh with glee and get on with your life
Or you could not waste anymore time and energy on them, focus on yourself, heal and have a great life.
I was dumped after 12 years by my narcissist partner. It happened right after my mother died. Then my father died 3 months later. This prick took up with another woman while I was grieving and what is even more disturbing is that I have a horse, 2 9 year old goats, kitties and a dog still there at the assholes house. I lived there, put blood sweat tears and money into this place for 12 years!!! The asshole never put my name on the deed as promised, Now, I am 3 1/2 hours away by car, trying to settle dad’s estate. I have been told in no uncertain terms to get rid of these god damn animals. I can’t be in 2 places at once. To find homes for my precious animals while being here at my dead parents house, painting, making repairs, trying to deal with the estate is complicated. When I met this jerk, I poured my being into building this home and farm. We rescued animals and even though he was a prick I felt that my love for the animals kept me going. When Mom got sick and I had to go to her for 2 weeks, he took up with another woman. When i went home, I got dumped. I was tryg to make arrangements to leave with my animals somehow when dad got sick. So with an overnight bag last May, I went to his bedside. Then dad died. I am so upset and shaky, I feel like dying, I have thought of murder, suicide, revenge, ( he grows marijuana on the property) but have not acted on any of this. I am worried about the animals. I need to sell my parents house and get my inheritance before I can do anything. This jerk has told me to get rid of my animals. How can i do that when I am 230 miles away trying to deal with the fallout of both parents dying in such a short time? A neighbor has been in touch and told me they saw this other woman at the gate of MY home. It is a 5 acre farm, i helped to build. bare hands, i did it! and she is now there? with her ass on my furniture? i do not care about her, i do not care he is with her, but I care about my animals. i can’t get them until I see my parents house. it will take me another month to get this place ready to sell. Then, I need to stay there for a little while to figure out how I am going to relocate. If he won’t let me stay there, we are going to have a problem. I will call the sheriff and turn him in for growing pot. You bet i will! If I lose everything then so does he!!! I know revenge is not a good thing, but Savannah, when you have been destroyed, literally stripped of you entire life and identity, something has to be done! Some way some day, I’ll get him and get him good!!!
My life has been destroyed, i can’t help but want revenge. I want to see this asshole suffer and die. I can’t help it. This is affecting my ability to be productive., Help me. Please help me someone!
Thank you very much for sharing your wisdom on your site, it is truly helping me in my journey of rebuilding my life after one of these vile, deceitful beings of hatred came very close to destroying me completely.
I have one question to ask please – is it normal that after one year of no contact I occasionally get urges of wanting to exact some type of revenge against the abuser? It usually begins with intrusive memories of very cruel & degrading things done to me by the narcissist, which ignites feelings of intense anger that someone who I loved & trusted could treat me in such an atrocious way.
It takes me a good while to calm & balance my mind again after these negative feelings arise & it honestly confuses me, as it feels like I am not genuinely healing.
TWW yes it’s normal to want justice. I still get the odd urge, but I truly believe the best revenge I could ever get is to be happier without him in my life.
this helped so much,everything in this article described the person,
i would still love to stick it to him how good i’m doing now but like the article said that would make no sense……that sucks tho
I agree. Realize he’s a POS and move on. But more importantly, figure out why you stayed and justified the abuse in the first place.
Narcs are selective. They know a lot of people can see through or at least sense their BS. And they know others will get fed up and leave. That’s why they choose empaths with weak boundaries or people abused in childhood.
The healthier reaction is anger over having been played in the first place; not yearning for a person who basically didn’t exist.
But then you’d have to face all the weakness in you he manipulated and that takes courage.
Narcissists are no some all powerful entity.Far from it. They simply have no conscience or empathy. This could even be a brain malfunction. That means there’s no limit to the harm they can do.
Don’t engage. These people wither and die without human supply. Otherwise they’re massively insecure Healthier people with no controlling/savior issues do not attract narcissists. So the questions remain: Why do you ignore the abuse? If you have no self respect; how do expect to get any from a human defective ? Figure it out or another one is waiting for you just around the corner.
Stop loving people who don’t love you back.
So many people describing male partners in their lives as the narcissist, but one of my sisters (I’ll call her C), I now realise, is truly and dangerously one of these. She has successfully alienated one of my other sisters (I’ll call her M) (I’m one of five girls) by recruiting our parents and other sisters. C accomplished this by planting things in our parents’ minds and letting them act on those things against M. She never, ever has a direct role but instead stands back and watches it all go up looking like she had nothing to do with it. In fact she often makes herself look kind and generous into the bargain! Our parents thought C could do no wrong and so she was able to convince them M could do no right. M has been on the receiving end of most of the abuse, but M also tried it on me. I always knew when she’d been visiting our mother because Mum would start asking accusatory questions about what I was doing with my life. M’s confidence has been seriously damaged and she has been made to look like she’s the one with the problem. C makes her so angry that she can;t bare to attend family gatherings, which just feeds into C’s campaign to discredit her.
I knew C was bad, but I now realise, after reading this, just how bad, and in fact dangerous, she really is.
however long it takes you to just let go and move on is directly proportionate to how much you loved them. how long you greive the loss is directly proportionate to how much you loved them. and i dont say this as a means for anyone to keep grieving their loss to prove that they loved them. im just stating a fact.
Melissa I couldn’t disagree with you more. The length of time it takes someone to let go and heal is 100% up to the individual and has nothing to do with anyone else. I don’t know where you got that information from, but you couldn’t be more wrong.
you talk about moving on and being healthy and happy in a new relationship as if you are 100% clueless about the real pain, sadness and damage they cause to their victims. some of us have ptsd. some of us are damaged for life and cant even feel any degree of interest in the opposite sex even if we try. some of us are left greiving for years because we actually loved the narcissist with a love that is not replacable even if we could love again, it wouldnt make up for that loss. but i know if i feel this way, i must be stupid or full of shit. no one can ever just listen to me and realize that if after three years of learning about narcissists and their victims and how im supposed to follow steps 1 2 and 3 and then just be all happy again and find the love of my life, im still feeling exactly the same as the day he left, then there must be some truth to what i say for myself and my situation and im not just stubborn and stupid.
Again Melissa if you read my story, which you will find throughout my many blogs, I think you would know that my experience left me completely catatonic. I was paralyzed with pain, hurt and betrayal. It changed the course of my life. You speak as if the last 3 years of my life, that I have dedicated to helping people through their pain, like I’ve just been handing out bubble gum solutions that mean nothing. I think the aspects of all this that you are missing is 1. Dealing with your Codependency and 2. You have to take some personal accountability for your own healing. I can write and tell the story of how I battled this, but it’s up to you whether you decide to gain from it or continue to put up a lot of resistance to your own healing. Based on your answers I’m betting you’re doing a lot of 2. Your healing is your responsibility – no one else’s.
Yes you are right..I feel the same way… I’ve only been with him for a little over 2 yrs…but he married me and then.. decided after a month to start his games back up. I’m so hurt I will never get over this one…I’m trying…
How to recover? Live well, yes, absolutely, I agree. Do nothing else? NO WAY! Don’t live the rest of your life in fear. The best revenge? TELL. TELL THE WORLD. Tell everyone and everyone who will listen. There is power in numbers, the truth will come out, and you will help stop them from hurting others (and taking other people’s stuff). NEVER STAY SILENT! NEVER BE AFRAID! UNITE AND CONQUER!
What happens Pugsley when you speak the truth about your Narc? I’ll tell you what happens 1) They come back at you with a vengeance 2) They will spin your behavior so that you look crazy 3) Narcs have 2 speeds control or destroy – when they can’t control you and you keep going after them it’s just gonna get messy. 4) Trying to get everyone to believe you and expose them keeps you invested. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather walk away from the drama and be happy.
where is your email sign up page?
You have to go to desktop mode and it’s beige on the left hand side.
I’ve been with a Narc also.
It has been 7years we have on and off relationship. He acts kind at first and tells me he changed. Then he will be demonic again lol (sorry for the term.) He is a total USER!! He lacks kindness, and he feels he is the best. He even told me before that I should know HOW MUCHHHH HE TRULY LOVES HIMSELF, he even added that I don’t have an idea how much he loves himself! -_-
He ALWAYS blames me for everything!! when he wanna go back to me after a few months or years to check on me he acts like he is very sorry and he changed and he acts like he regrets everything. so when I do forgive him and we go on dates, hangout as time passes by he goes back to the demonic man he is. He has never hurt me physically (I’m glad) but he has abused me emotionally and mentally. He destroyed my confidence and my self worth.
My friends have always wondered why the heck I was with him and why I was being so kind to him still. I can’t even explain why because I just feel to be nice to him even if he had hurt me many times. I’m the type of woman who don’t nag. I’m very sweet and understanding. (and I guess thats why he always wanted me around whenever he feels he needs his narc supply) Many people have warned me about him even when I was just dating him. But I didn’t listen because I was thinking that some people are just jealous and might just want us to break up. But I really regret for not cutting ties with him years ago. I SHOULD HAVE! When I remember him I feel so furious and mad at myself, irritated at him also at the same time because I felt used and was stupid.
So many things have happened. But the last time we talked months ago he said something that ticked me off and then turned me off. He talked bad about my family and have offended me totally. He showed his true colors. He proved he was incapable of showing compassion and that he was a total user.
I am thankful I found this site. At least I know I’m not alone in moving on from a narc person. He still keeps contacting me like he sends messages or a few photos in my messenger. to check on me. or to open a convo. but I ignore. I act like he doesn’t exist. It is very hard since that guy was the first bf I had and never did I got a bf again (its because I was traumatized now I think. He left a big scar on me. So I’m paranoid maybe if I’ll have a new bf again that guy might hurt me again. I got tired of being nice its like I just want to be single forever 😐 )
Realize this…he is a pos and eventually everyone will smell it. You can go on to be happy and healthy – he cannot. He will also be miserable, never getting enough to fill the hole where his heart and soul should be. Move on…
When my bf of eight months never returned from his overseas work posting i got suspicious and was broken as i had not heard from him for a 5 weeks. I was getting a little suspicious as during his last trip back home for the weekend he said something that implied he was here for more than the weekend. Then my birthday came and went and i didnt hear from him. He had told me that what he had planned for my birthday will suprise me since i went out all for his birthday. When nothing eventuated, i started looking for answers. After some digging i found pictures of him attending a function in our home town when he was meant to be overseas working. I found a few more photoes that were all taken during the three months he was meant to be overseas. It left me in shock. The bastard “flew” back in to see me during this time and complained how jet lagged he was! When i mentioned everything that had happened and replaying all our conversation with my very educated and level headed friend, she said he is narcissist. I read up alot on narcissisism and he fits the profile to the tee. He is all about status and money. Driving expensive cars and always claiming to be busy with work and his businesses and properties. Yet never spent a cent on me. He is well known in his community and i can only wish they knew what he is really like. We were both from different cultures and i now know that was intentional as there was no way he will play around with anyone from his own culture, his status and rapole would be tarnished. So i was an outside who would remain an outsider. He just lied and fed me everything i needed to hear. There were red flags but i always gave him benefit of the doubt. Two weeks ago i created a fake profile on the website i met him and he was there!! He didnt waste any time in starting a chat with the fake me and told this fake person the same lies he told me slightly altered. He told her how is has been travelling (different country to what he told me) and how they should become friends and travel together and the third line was “i will do anything for u”. I was appalled at his desperate behaviour. Fourth msg was how is is an honest guy and is serious about a relationship. Bullshit. To start off with his age was not true either. His words play on my mind bon stop and im hurting so much knowing that he played me for so long so heartlessly when i gave him nothing but honesty and care. He now knows that i know he is back online and that he was never overseas. I just expected better from a 42 year old. He will keep playing and probably go back to his homeland and import a 20 yr old. i also know he just does not care..i was a just a bit of play for him. It was about having power and getting his supply.Now i have to learn to trust and move on again while he goes on to ruin someone elses life
It’s been 6 years since my narc walked out – he’s burned through one other relationship that I know of – and this time she dumped him first. There were many others before that – people who never marry and are middle aged do have a screw lose when it comes to relationships.
Sometimes I wish him ill will, but I think he’s rather miserable. Career turned to shit 8 yrs ago, a child he disposed of at birth has come back to find his dad – the narc – and this adult child is a pastor of all things – so he will be preaching, praying, and repenting – hahaha – from now to the end. Best revenge ever for slick willy.
Savannah, I so badly think about exposing my ex-narcissist boyfriend. He is the classic case, always the victim. My inner voice recognized little telltale signs from the beginning but I chose to think better of him. I was blinded by how he swept me up, I never experienced such unabashed outward expression of sweetness and projecting himself on me I drank it in totally off guard. I never dreamed anyone would purposely target someone for no apparent reason. I know it sounds naive but I guess he was what I felt was good for me and they somehow sense what you need. Well my point being now that I have gone no contact for months I see think about revenge. He in the classic narcissistic vein has changed his identity, his real name tarnished publicly by his own doing. So he has gained a good job under a new name for the purpose of reinventing himself. He is getting away with not paying income tax and child support to his daughter. I would love to report him to both agencies but I hesitate since he know very few people know his scheme and he may suspect me. Also since he is behind on child support his driver’s license has been suspended and he continues to drive, I could report him for that as well. If any of it came back to me, or he even suspected it was me, I don’t know what he’s capable of if he loses his job or they come after him. I also have my name on his car loan which thankfully he pays and swore he always will, unfortunately I have no way to remove myself and it for another 4 years. I believe he will continue to do right by that but if he doesn’t have a job I would be spiting myself. Every day I am on the fence about what path to take, I really would love to see him ruined but my better judgement tells me to let it go that karma will eventually catch up to him. He will be exposed by his own doing.
Just one year of relationship and he destroyed my life.
He killed who I thought it was my best friend, my confident, my blue prince… He was everything to me and I was nothing to him.
In only one year I went through an abortion, bad mood, bruises, lies, cheating, death of his father… and no single tear, no single cuddle, no real apologize.
After giving him a second chance, (yeah, after all that…) he again lied and then dumped me.
The worst is still to come… we are coworkers and on same desk. He already started threatening me this morning.
I hope he dies of a heart attack like his dad, so he wont be able to hurt anyone else.
Yes, living well is the best revenge. Get far, far away from a narcissist. You will never get what you want from them- love, acceptance, empathy – they basically are incapable of providing it and operate on fake displays of emotion.
If after you have distanced yourself (physically, emotionally, and with long bouts of time) and you still want revenge – well then hit them where it hurts – their reputation and their finances (which makes their narcissistic exploits possible). You cannot be associated with any of this – no one can know – you must avoid the wrath of the narcissists at all costs – they have no boundaries and will lie, distrust and whatever they must do to discredit you and even destroy you.
After several years I made sure my ex’s clients and anyone business associations he was a part of knew that all of his educational background and most of his resume was a scam – got him into law suits and destroyed him financially – mostly money he got from me from our divorce and an inheritance. Hopefully his feathers were clipped and he can’t hurt others and draw them in with his flamboyance and illusion of success.
I had to learn of what happened third hand and I never told anyone I did it except for my therapist. Mum is definitely the word.
He – the ex – did leave me a nasty accusatory message – but I learned he had left the same one with so many people – looking for someone to blame when he was the one who lied so often and manipulated so many people and was finally caught.
I don’t feel guilty about exposing him – not one little bit – feel a bit of justice was done.
But yes, living well myself has been the best way forward. And yes, revenge is definitely best eaten cold. It was a delicious treat! And now its over, and I’m continuing to live the really good life I have created for myself.
Lu I hesitated posting several of your comments because I think it sends the wrong message. Staying in that “I’ll get you,” energy is not where you want to be. All this does it keep you invested. Get out of the game – stop playing. What happens is your Narc will get revenge, then you get revenge, then your Narc comes at you again. Why bother? Just get out of it and stay out of it. I believe that people come into your life for a reason and that goes for new supply as well. Who are you to take away some’s life lesson? They won’t believe you anyway. Your revenge is a no win situation – what is it Confucius said? “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves”?
MY HEART IS SORE FOR US ALL. If we combined every life story post on this blog, we could make a Stephen King horror story. Really. I sobbed for hours AGAIN today. I am a recovering heroin/opiate addict. Seven months ago, I woke up to find my friend of six years dead on the bathroom floor. WAKE UP CALL FOR ME. I had nowhere to go and no-one to turn to except my father, who is 55 and lives alone in his rented home. I packed what few things I could manage to, while sobbing and shaking uncontrollably the day I found my friend passed away and instantly went to my dad’s house THAT day. I had been trying to quit drugs for months to just go right back to them and when that day came, with that HORRIFIC event, my first impulse was YES, to run right into the arms of my dad for any comfort I could find. Literally. I curled up next to him on the couch and cried so hard. He wouldn’t hold me or hug me. He wouldn’t tell me something to console me. All he flatly said was, ” that’s gonna be you. ” I retreated to my room hysterical still. I was already diagnosed with ptsd and severe anxiety and what I needed was comfort and I didn’t find it in my dad that day. Worst day of my life probably. I cold turkey QUIT using drugs that week. I shook, vomited, sweat… He would bang on my bedroom door while I was trying to “kick”. He would yell and scream at me about what a horrible terrible worthless scum human being I am. And I believed it. Why wouldn’t I? I felt the guilt and sorrow of the world from losing my friend to this terrible disease. I felt HOPELESS, yet at the same time too sick to do anything about it if you know what I mean. I began to make a VERY SLOW recovery. Mind you, no subutex, methadone…nothing. 2 months went by. It was Christmas Day. My dad, and my boyfriend and I were at my grandparents’ home. In front of thirty some odd people he proclaims what a lazy, selfish human being I am And that I’m too lazy to even wash a dish. (remember I was in full blown withdrawals for weeks) and could barely crawl to the bathroom. I had ALSO that Christmas Day, been over at my grandparents busting my behind cooking and cleaning since 6 am. The entire Xmas day he never once said Merry Christmas, I love you nothing. He never tells me He is proud of me for getting clean. And I didn’t just get clean, I found Jesus our Lord again, and have not touched one drug, drank or anything. I spend every dime I earn paying his bills since I’ve lived here, all of them. Never a thank you. All I get from him is, how bad HIS life is. How much pain HE’S in. What HE can never have on and on. I had complete intentions on saving my money to move out. I can’t do that when I’m buying and paying for EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE. He has been fighting disability for two years. And I felt bad for him and for what I had put him through with my addiction issue, so once I got clean, I have been devoting my time and life to pleasing him. NOPE. YOU CANNOT PLEASE THE N. NOT POSSIBLE. THESE PEOPLE CANNOT FEEL HAPPINESS. I have spent every dime buying food He likes, cooking his favorite meals, going and paying for his bills. No thank you. It is more like,” you OWE ME.” I have told him I have PTSD. He is aware I have health issues as well. He never asks how I feel. When I try to explain something, he changes the subject to himself. His sister, my Aunt is the same way. She has three kids and plays favorites. And had put my cousin’s through Hell. Now my dad is doing it to me. And I never grew up with him. My mother had moved me 3000 miles away from him when I was 7. Now I know why. Back then I despised her for it. However… My mother is a sociopath. Yep. I come from good breeding lines let me tell you. So you would THINK… That after not having me in his life for over 20 years that he would want to get to know who I am. SIGH. You know what??? I’m not even going to explain his abuse to you guys anymore. I think you get it. My father is text book narcissistic. And my life had hit a bottom and he wasn’t there. And I didn’t know he was sick. That’s what this Narcissism is. Its a disease. This may sound off kilter here but, from a Christian stand point, I cannot help But wonder if it’s a sort of demon like possession. Demons are real and they are in the bible and they can venture into anyone’s life and knock it down without the victim even knowing and before long, the unsaved person goes nuts or narcissistic and the more years that it goes by unidentified the WORSE it gets and then it rips ALL HEARTS OUT OF MOTHERS, WIVES, HUSBANDS, SONS, DAUGHTERS until there is virtually nothing left of family. Shambles. Sigh. I CANNOT believe, I mean I can NOT believe it POSSIBLE, to never find a method or reasoning, to save this type of person. I thought I hated my father but I do not. I hate whatever he became. I love my parents. However,, I may have to do so from afar. They are dangerous people. But, they are still people. My brain hurts bc for weeks I have been working this Narcissism thing back and forth… Researching. Reading all of your stories… I just cannot perceive the idea that any future children would have to endure this pain that we have endured from our parents or partners. It seems there must be SOMETHING. There is ONE THING. There is GOD. Pray to Him to help you through it. Pray for the pain and abuse to end. Pray for an exit. Pray for a safe exit. No contact IS HIGHLY EFFECTIVE. I recommend anyone in any situation like this please for your OWN SANITY BAIL OUT IF YOU CAN. AND PRAY. PRAY FOR THEM. Because your bully, is living a fast life to Hell. That isn’t revenge. That’s the truth of it. And Hell is forever. So , just remember God isn’t punishing us. He gave us these hardships to make us STRONGER AND WISER. I PRAY for everyone on this forum finds peace and happiness.
My narc is VERY high on the spectrum, and is dangerous. He physically beat badly me ONCE to prove it. These predators sniff out kind, intelligent, open hearted people who also happen to have vulnerability. Every single one of us need to build healthy self esteem, and healthy boundaries or THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. Either with the same narc, or another one will sniff us out. They are stealth, don’t blame yourself for having the admirable traits of being kind, vulnerable and attractive both on the inside and outside. I’m also in my 50’s. I knew after 3 weeks he “HAD ME AT HELLO. I was in pure survival mode after 3 weeks. He was isolating me from family, friends, emotionally, financially, psychologically, and in the end physically. He got me thrown out of an apartment I lived in for 12 years, he was trying to contact my boss to ruin my job, he used sleep deprivation, withholding sex, lovebombing, created constant chaos to try to hide things he was really doing. He is mentally and emotionally UNABLE TO LOVE ANYONE BUT HIMSELF. Everyone else in his life is a pawn in his game to be used as an ends to HIS means. I had the good sense to put his raggedy ass in jail, so I could decompress, pick myself up, brush myself off and move on FAST in pursuit of a happy life – alone or with someone beside me WHO IS NOT A NARC. Do not beat yourself up, this man/woman had you in their radar before you knew they existed. They are extraordinarily intuitive, they hone in on you and mime or mimic the “good behavior” and do and say exactly what you think is ideal traits in a partner until they hook you. All of us ignored those “little red flags” indicating “something wasn’t right” from tell beginning. HEAR AND LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION – You can count on the fact the narc is. In looking back, and with te help of this blig, and oters like it; I realize how lucky I was that he beat me. I had the good fortune to be able to put him in jail and as a result get a 5 year stay away order of protection. I know this won’t stop him but the fear if being in jail is fresh in his mind and so he’ll think twice before he finds me. It will also make it easier for me to get his assistant back into jail if and when he does contact me. Of course, that is if he doesn’t kill me before I can call the police.
I just wanted to thank the author. I had met a woman recently and we were getting to know each other. Thanks to prior experience I spotted several narcissistic red flags. With the help of this article I confirmed she was indeed a narcissist and was able to come up with a wonderful exit plan! She was sent off with her tail between her legs long before she could cause damage. She never saw it coming 😛 Today, the good guys scored a victory! Thanks again.
I just broke free a year or so ago from narrsititic people..and I say people because there were a few with strong personality that controlled and dictated and made my life hell on earth and threatened me if I didn’t listen it wouldn’t go well for me…abuse at all levels tearing at my self esteem and trying to destroy every aspect of my life have been picking up the pieces a day at a time.i got out on my own away from protection and tore into like an animal would tear into his prey….sounds a bit morbid but truthful. I went from being at the top down to pond scum all because I disagreed with some things and wasn’t allowed my own voice then in turn beaten into other bad behaviors and threatened I was gonna die. I have read up on all this and finding the strength to move on and start over. I’m sorry I ever let in my life with these kinds of people who used everything they ever knew and what I had against me.
My brother is a narcissist. Finally, after years and years of destroying me, I have learned to deal with it. I am not letting him in anymore. I’m no longer open for his manipulative ways, the lying and decieving. It feels like i am finally free… But I can’t help feling anger. I somehow want to punish him for doing what he dit to me and my father. Ik hate mayself for thinking this way, but sadly I really doe feel this way. Ik want to get back at him, I want to let him feel what he had done to me and my father. I just didn’t know how. He’s Always blaming everything on me, so how can I punish him? The only thing he Always sees is his ‘incredible’ self.
This article had given me the answer; just forget him, ignore him. There’s no better punishmant…. And it’s better for me also. I can go on with my life, ignoring him. Knowing that he can’t stand this…..
Thank you for this article!!
(sorry if this is all a bit messy written. I’m from Germany so i’m not real good at writing in english)
My revenge? Yesterday, I went from sadness, to (after having a friend inform me that he is a narcissist and researching it) shock and anger, to enraged. I called him over today and asked him to bring champagne. He brought that and some “green party favor” (added bonus), insulted and blamed and accused me consistently for the beginning of the visit (which I accepted in my newly enlightened state of mind and played along into his ego feed) until the moment he smoked the “party favor”, got him comfortable, gave him the best sex of his life, which he left promptly after (as usual because he’d gotten his attention refill and his joy IS depriving me of that joy), and I now have deleted every picture, social media, anything and everything his Igbo conniving ass ever put into my life and will never come in contact with him again. I don’t want my son being like him or my daughter following the compliant codependent example I was setting, as my mom had previously set for my sister and I, which is a cycle I now see we have, in our own lives, fallen victim to. Thank you so much for saving me. I was suicidal yesterday morning and now, I’m dancing with my dog and diy-ing again. I feel free! Thank you, thank you so very much.
Thank you!!! You are SO RIGHT!!!
Good lord!! By the looks of all these ” novels” in the comment section i would assume every man is a narcissist? Lol
If this doesn’t prove to all the mothers out there that raising your sons to be arrogant asses isn’t probably the smartest thing to do I don’t know what is!!
I mentioned that in place of telling my story of a POS 40 something boytoy I have allowed to suck the life out of me for 15 years…yes its easy to be fooled when they play half sane, half hard worker, half a-hole. Just enough to think you’re fooled. But now I am on to him…and stashing cash until I book out in a couple months.
Ladies don’t ever allow a man to have your heart. Or your head…after 54 years & many different relationships, they are ALL takers. Its just all how much you wanna give???
I was divorced a year ago from a complete narcissist woman. I was given primary custody of our child. We live in different states. She is now telling my child that I am a bad person, scary person etc. while she has our child. I have never said anything negative about her to our child. Now my child will not video chat with me. I would appreciate any advice. I hate to see my child emotionally abused in this way.
Great encouragement to those in this kind of relationship…however…when your character is kind. Loving. Caring. A true “Get-Go er” …being a loyal Scorpio… After 20 yrs of marriage …& after you invested all your live savings & energy…not having any children?…this is a hard-breaking decision…to leave “This Narassist”… & to start over at 50?! …any comments ?
Excellent article. Is it possible to “share” it?
Hi Kate sure you can share it – just copy and past the url.
You say loyal Scorpio use the intensity they give off an rejuvenate its like crack whatever it is love or hate feed silly
I feel free. Knowledge is power. I have read all your articles on a narcissist and all i want is to b rid of every future faking word that came out of his mouth. And i know all i need is time and that the future is brighter without him. I dont care wat he does or wr he is in life because he suddenly meant nothing to me becoz i was just a source of supply. It was hard at first to acknowledge that i was played. I felt mad at myself because i minimised and rationalised his bhvr and lowered my expectations. But its life u go thru hoops to not go thru them again…if you choose yourself over the narcissist.
So thank you i really hope you keep writing and encouraging pple to find themselves again.
Never lose yourself in a false dream so much that u ignore reality….remember he is not worth a single second glance from you or your time.
Be happy its the best place to start. Find happiness in simply things that u began to ignore. Find your cheer. Hate noone but dont ever let him near u again.
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 2 months , and I am a physician , self confident ( at least I thought) and he was verbally abusive, making me feel low self esteem.
I think the take home message from this article, and actually many other articles about narcissism is to let it go( eventhough it is difficult to feel that we were a toy or supply in their hands ) because really at the end , we will be suffering 1,2,6,7 months…: whatever it is …. They will be suffering for life. I am glad I am out, it wasn’t a long relationship but definitely the worse ever… Happy happy I am out from this toxic cancerous relationship .
Wonderful, amazing advice. I knew I was in a no-win situation and just needed confirmation. Deeply grateful for this post 🙂
I’m currently in a relationship with someone I believe to be a Narcassist but I am not sure as of yet, I suppose that’s why I haven’t left. I see characteristics in him that make me believe he is a Narc but then there are others that make me consider otherwise. On top of possibly being a Narcassist he drinks and smokes heavily but has never raised a hand to me (I feel awful just writing about this). All though all signs clearly point to me leaving, I have somehow convinced myself that he needs me and if something were to ever happen to him while we’re apart, I don’t know how I could ever forgive myself. I understand how ridiculous I must sound however, I love him. I don’t believe I have the strength enough to walk away but I’ve somehow ended up here so I’ve obviously considered it. As an adult it’s hard to find a support system of people who actually understand what your going through and who also understands why you keep subjecting yourself to a toxic person just because you love them. I feel like this is truly something I must overcome by myself but I find myself stuck. I guess on the brighter side of things we’re not married, don’t share a home, and have no children so the only person I need to rescue is myself. I love him and I don’t want to give up on what we have or potentially can have but I’m no doctor and I truly don’t know how to fix this, him or myself. If I continue to involve myself further, I’m convinced I will loose my mind. This article was very helpful . Thank you.
Such a great article. I came here looking for how to squash a narcissist but seeing that living well is the best revenge is the high road I will take. Thank you!
Thank you for posting this article. I have been working on getting over this unhealthy relationship last two weeks. I’m going through a lot to recover from this relationship. However, this article gave me all the answers. Move on! I will be able to have a strength to let it go and move on. And, without a revenge, I can now think of myself as a winner because I’m going to let it go and live healthy and happy!! Thank you thank you thank you!
Thank you very helpful. I did wish revenge but know I will not have it. I fell hard for him and I allowed him to run me down. Now I have to stat away. 🙁
Thank you so much for your beautifully written article. I now
Understand what I was going through and that nothing I could have done would make him treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I have the tools now to walk away and know that it will get better with time! Thank you
I have plans to leave the narcissist in my life, I have an overbearing brother and I used to think of leaving with drama like beating him senseless before leaving.
The best thing I could do is wait for a snarky comment and after that, I’ll just pack my bags and leave. No retorts, no comebacks, just leaving.
I agree with your assessment of walking away. It seems best, but I’m not sure where that leaves me. I was married to a narc for 28 years. Without too much detail, basically, he wanted me to stay home with the children and I did…I loved it. So he has an education, years of experience and can make a living. I on the other hand, have no education and no job experience. Then he left. I had no job, no car, no money and no home. A friend helped me get a lawyer because he is taking me to court…he doesn’t think he should have to pay me anything. We have four children, but only one is under 18. I’m trying to explain because as much as I would love to walk away…how can I? I have been in school now for two years…waiting for this divorce to be over. I would love to hear any one’s thoughts.
Getting back here as l am working on myself every single day. Im doing nothing! Giving him nothing at all, not even going online on apps he would love to see me online. Nothing! Zip! Zero! Sick and tired of thinking about this experience! I just abbandoned his game, lm sure l beat him like this!!! Im also sure he is getting back to me with some “how are you doing? . I just came back from vacay “. Piece of idiot!!! Little does he know that it s me that is on vacay now, a never ending one feeding him his favorite disk – the silent treatment!
This is how lm going to win, living my life narc free and enjoy this brand new life! And forgiving – the ultimate revenge! !!!!
This article reinforces what l experienced for two years. Every little thing l read is true about the monster l had to deal with. Im breaking free and l want to share the fact that the best revenge is ignoring them! I ignored him only once and did not answer his texts for one single day. It caused anger and his agressive verbal behaviour and that was the last straw. I told him it was over and He got furoous.
I blocked him on social media, email account, phone. Honestly my doubt is if blocking him makes him happy because l may sound weak to him or runs him nuts because he feels left apart. I would appreciate opions here. Thanks.
But what l really want is feel free and get back to my life. I guess my caring if blocking him is better than other is just a way of revenge. I still need time to heal but lm sure l am on the right path.
Thsnks for reading.
I have two narcissistic parents with my mother being the worst. I’m unemployed so moving out isn’t an option but I have spent the last 3 months ignoring them. They are going nuts about it.
Hello. I’ve been trying to gather the courage to share some of the torment I’ve put myself through.
I had known my ex-boyfriend since we were kids, we were the same age; around 14 years old.We were just friends then, and he was a sweet, caring, lovable guy. We had a platonic connection and mutual respect for one another.When I was 18 I left my home country, moved to Canada and made a life here (college, had a baby boy at 23, later separating from father of the child but we’re in good terms and friends to this day.)
I remained in contact with my friend for the first few years and still held him in high esteem.
Flashfoward to 4 1/2 years ago and we stumble onto each other over facebook. I was going through a severe family crisis involving sexual abuse while he was going through rehab for heroin addiction. We chatted almost everyday, eventually moving to phone calls and skype. We were supportive of one another and there was a sort of rekindling of innocence when we connected. We stayed in touch for almost 5 years, everyday, and developed a long distance “relationship”. He finally was determined to come to Canada and we met in person for the first time in 15 years. Well, it went downhill from here. I vowed to become his friend for the first couple of months , as not to rush and possibly destroy what I considered a long founded friendship. I gave him my house, my undivided attention and solid support but he started to pressure me into sex right away. Within a week he was calling me names, telling me what to wear and humiliating me in public.We ended up having sex within the first month, and during sex one time, he shoved a pillow over my face aggressively, and put covers all over my body, exposing only my sex..if you know what I mean, and saying things such as: if you don’t want “it”, someone else will. I was scared but thought it was maybe just a fetish and let it slide. Next came the comparisons with his exes, him calling me a “junkie” (oh, the irony) for taking anti-depressants, trying to control my time with my son, what to wear, etc. After internalizing all this, I finally gathered enough courage to let him know how hurt I felt, and that’s when he started to display a sense of amusement and completely ignored or validated my feelings, by saying either he was drunk and couldn’t remember or I was too sensitive etc..
Well, being fed uo with it and with zero self-esteem, I did the unthinkable: I got into a one night stand with some guy I did not care for a bit (not part of my nature to do this) I felt completely disconnected during the “act”, out of my body..
I told my boyfriend promptly that I had done this out of feeling rejected and for having self-hatred. He turned extremely abusive and aggressive, which was unexpected. Someone called the police on him for domestic assault and now I’ve been dwelling with guilt for the past 4 months, trying to make sense of all this chaos.
So happy i read this. Its healing. I moved, left my job to marry. After 8 months he said i wasnt greatful enough. My son would not call him dad. We didnt admire all if his life accomplishments enough. He didnt want me to have friends so i didnt. I could only dress sexy if i was with him. And i needed to wear extremely tight clothes to turn him on. He said the divorce was all my fault and i was a horrible wife. He was unemotional and would not fufill my sexual needs because i didn’t deserve it. Long story short we are divorcing in 3 weeks. Im now in counseling and on meds. He did a bang up job on me and i allowed it. Gave up my life and a great job only to be told i didnt meet his expetations.
Sad but one day i will revcover. Ill never understand how a person can treat another person this way.
Judgement will only fuel anger and resentment , regardless of how hard-shelled and impervious to character objections that person maybe seem to be. “Excuse my grammatical errors” I pulled over the side of the road to write a quick comment
Honestly, I truly believe that this and many other articles that I have read is very offensive insensitive in its entirety. The mere the fact that every single article feels the need to peg an individual that is driven and has confidence in themself to be a nassist or a selfish individual that loves nothing and no one , and can not be helped and should looked at as the enemy. Could it possibly be , that the so called nassist could have just been experiencing a part of life that will pass if only the ones he loved would have chosen to take a less judgmental route against their behavior?
Klation23: I would suggest you Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the DSM 4 and 5. If you understood what a Narcissist truly is I think you would have a different perspective. This disorder is pervasive and at present, there is no known therapy or drug that can cure it. If the people you know suddenly stop acting like selfish jerks I would bet they weren’t Narcissists to begin with, or they are really good actors.
What a wonderful demonstration of narcissistic manipulation in action.
But there is a lesson to draw from Klation23’s statement.
Beware of anyone who tells you to ignore your instincts and better judgment, disregard self preservation lest you offend them (or someone they’re defending, who is toxic to you), be on guard. They are not interested in your well-being. A sane person cares about you. A sane person cares about right and wrong, and fixing wrongs. This is not the statement of a sane, healthy person. Whether from a stranger (Klation23), or from your spouse, ex, brother, father, or mother. This is a twisted projection of guilt by a selfish, toxic person onto, and to maintain control over, a victim. I suspect Klation23 has a few people in his/her life he/she fears might just read this.
Hi everyone kinda need some help from you guys if you don’t mind .I’ve been with a man for2 yrs and a few months at first he made me happier than I’ve been in yrs but now we’ll all I can say iswhat happened he stopped me from going anywhere would make me feel badly if Ijust went to see my kids .after the first month of dateing I was almost dumped bc I didn’t offer to pay any bills the ex was calling he was running doing things for her his cuzin was telling me stuff about him that wasn’t good then his friend and everything was a joke my kids would tell me they would see him with other women while he was at work he is drunk every day telling me he wants a threesom and looking at other women in front of me and don’t remember most of the things he does or says .says he doesn’t understand me what is this ??? If I leave him he crys and beggs me back then I go back and everything is my fault never a nice word for me ether never makes up for anything bc other stuff happens and he said I don’t give him a chance ????help????
This is just so nice! Just what i need! I’ve never read an article that puts what i currently feel into words of art. This has probably been the best gift after a long time of pain and anger… Thank you for enlightening my ever secluded mind and heart. To this day onwards, I’ll do nothing about that N. Instead, I’ll be happy I’m finally free from him who gives me nothing but just a pain in the ass. God bless and keep spreading the good word!!! ❤️❤️❤️
This month will be two years that I met my N. Fast forward..after three rounds of breaking it off and reconnecting, I have been NC for seven months. I have never felt better. I revisit this post and others if I start feeling sentimental. My sentimentality is always attached to those first few dates when it all seemed so perfect..lol!
I will say that getting involved with a narcissist has taught me a lot about myself across. I have grown so much. I am grateful and appreciate the people in my life that truly love me. My family and friends!
ok – BIG QUESTION: HOW do you get your N to dump you??? that would be much better for me – I have 4 fur balls that I would have trouble finding somewhere to take them when I left – how can I “push” his buttons to get him to want to leave?
Thank you for the article. You are probably right. My malicious narcistic mother will never change, she will never be truely happy, because being nacistic does not make happy, but – I am quite sure, after I have left her, she will have reached out her tentacles for someone else.
So he or she will be the next one to suffer.
So I think to avoid more suffering, such people should be in some way punished to re-educate it.
Great article. Very useful.
Thank you so much for this. I am so glad I found it. I just got dumped by a severe narcissist whom I had been dating for a year. We work in a unique environment which meant that we had spent every day except for 5 weeks of that year together. We are now working in the same place again – 4 weeks after breaking up. I have been very upset and confided in some friends, who then went and told him everything, because they all think he is handsome and charming and they want him to like them. I attempted to contact him when he returned to work and try to make this break up amicable and he has now yelled at me twice on the phone and won’t let me speak. He ended our most recent phone conversation by saying “F off and grow up”. I am still shocked by how much this person has changed but I agree that by taking the high road and not allowing him to get the best of me, this is how I will heal. I know there is better out there for me and I also know for certain that he will never be in a fulfilling relationship – which is revenge enough.
Thankyou…. As I sit in a carpark at the Drs ‘pretending I have an appointment’ this thread has helped me realise that’s it’s definitely not me it’s him! 12 year long distance relationship, lived with him for only a about a year in total of that time, In my hometown, he’s controlled me and owned me for all these years, I’m under mental health myself now, moved in 3 months ago to his home town to be with him, worst mistake ever! I’m
Stuck here for now until I can get enough money to get away, but this has made me understand him a bit more! Now I know I’ve got the strength to play his game until I can get out. Tears don’t work nothing works, I’m going to pull my head up and battle on until I can get me and my kids safe! There’s a lot I need to do, everything I have is here, but I understand now that he doesn’t feel, and is bathing in my emotional black hole, enjoying it!
Thankyou for giving me the strength!
Who’d of thought googling ‘get revenge on my abusive partner’ would help me this way!
My revenge will be public humiliation of him, and showing him I can do anything I want without him, he’s not needed I’ll be happy and he won’t! when I’m gone of course! Thankyou so much.
That’s good to know. When I read about narcissist women it doesn’t sound like my ex. Reading about these men’s behavior now that’s my ex girlfriend.
Is it possible for a woman to act like a male narcissist ?
Women can be Narcissists, so yes.
As Salam, been involved with 2 n s in the past 15 mnths do not ask me how, the first was worst than the second but both personallities were exactly the same, the first who I left and was living with accused me of rape within a few hrs of leaving, I was on bail for 8 mnths which kept getting pushed back, I was believed in the end, both n s were textbook had typical traits and both extremely beautiful on the outside, although I was slightly affected both didn’t realise I was mentally strong, but I do know it could have been much worse, this article and advice is excellent and always remember person you fell for doesn’t exsist stay strong, Islam can really help and I know what most of you will be thinking but just trust me please revenge is never the answer for those who are suffering keep researching also this will be of great help and remember there are good partners out there
Thank you for this article. I have almost gone a week without contact. It hasn’t been easy. Meeting with my therapist twice, and getting anti-anxiety medication, and speaking with friends have all been necessary. Why is it the most hurtful and hopeless relationships are often the hardest to leave? I guess its that empty feeling that you can never understand just how a person could be so cold and unfeeling and move on so quickly to their next love ‘fix’. I am so very, very thankful that I haven’t reached out. It would just feed my anxiety if I did. Moving on and letting go and meeting friendly, loving, open people.
So here’s my story. I’m a single mother who went through a terrible divorce. I waited three to four years to have any relationships. He said he would help me. He truly seemed like a knight in shining armor. Meantime he never told me he loved sports, played video games regularly, had an ex whom was a porn star or that he’d had sex with her since going into the ‘biz’. HE spit on me during an argument. One time he told me he was going to check into getting a financial advisor’s help in finding a way to put my child through college. He came home and told me he was too young to be thinking of all that anyway. I told him I wouldn’t expect him to do that. My daughter has a father, but I was very hurt by how he could go from “I want to take care of you” just and couldn’t understand such a turnaround in a short couple hours.
He would do this often. We went to look at houses and seemed very excited then broke up with me a day later. Prior to that:
He would hold me down and say, “If I wanted to hurt you – I would” and slap me or pretend he was going to hit me. I knew it was sick. I knew it was wrong. I broke up with him several times and would feel like I was dying 15 minutes later. It was horrible. We got back together and he stopped having sex with me completely. Broke up with me again and said, “Who wants to have sex a C word?”
We broke up for about a month. It was terrible. Then we started talking again… bc I was desperate to keep him around. I listened to everything he said I’d done wrong and started trying to do things correctly – according to him. I also had started seeking counseling where they convinced me I was a perfectionist and needed to work on myself. So I did. I started doing better. I taught myself to go outside when he was starting to get angry so he couldn’t hurt me. We got back together, but I began to question him. I began letting him spend less time with my daughter. We fought less but suddenly it all came out.. He never liked so many things about me anyway. No matter what I did was wrong. I started sensing that he was more of the problem than me, but I didn’t want to let go… bc He convinced me he was beaten as a child and his mother never stopped the stepdad from doing so. I felt so awful whenever I’d try to leave. He broke up with me again and I said, “That’s fine. Probably better this way anyway.” Walked outside so he couldn’t hold me down. I didn’t beg him back, but we tried one last time and I knew it was over. HE told me he’d care for me when I had surgery. He lasted a day and half then broke up with me over the phone. All the groceries Id bought – he’d taken to his house “bc I have a microwave”. I had to order pizzas and had a reaction to my medications by trying to sell all my stuff online on Craigslist. Who does that? The bigger question is “Who lets someone they love do that?” I walked away and didn’t speak to him for a year. I sent my daughter to say hello one day bc she missed him. It’s true you do let the devil inside… bc he used me for sex for a year. I finally understand though. I finally see it. This was not my first narcissist, but it’s my last. Sorry.
Personally I find that the most effective way to deal with narcissists is PUBLIC HUMILIATION, or threats of public exposure. Taking everything you have learned about who/what they are underneath the mask they show to the world and laying it out for everyone to see, that really pisses them off, and the threat of doing it again after you have once already shown you are capable, that works better than any other technique I have tried, to keep them in line if they are doing something which upsets you. And though it is very very unlikely that this exposure will cause them to change to become a better person due to any feelings of remorse for what they did, it will make them aware that certain behaviors do actually have consequences, and that there IS a real world risk to them whenever they choose to try and make a victim out of someone. Eventually if they run into these consequences enough times and it begins to predictably lead to a breakdown and loss of their existing circle of narcissistic supply, they will rethink their tactics and consider that PRETENDING to be a more decent person on a more reliable basis, and minimizing the extent of their abusive expression of their rages and grandiosity, is more likely to produce the results they are desiring (ie adoration vs being despised.)
Now one of course has to be careful. Owning mace, a tazer or a handgun, plus having the support of your friends (& family if they themselves aren’t crazy narcissists or brainwashed flying monkey types) & being ready for the attempt at retalitory revenge from the narcissist, that is very important. If you don’t have a way to keep yourself safe if the narc decides to try and come after you physically, or you don’t have real friends &/or family who KNOW YOU and thus wont be swayed by the narc if he attempts to get back at you thru a smear campaign, OR if you yourself have secrets which if exposed could cause you problems, or cannot bear the idea of perhaps having a vehicle vandalized or something like that, then its not such a good idea.
But if you do have support of others, can keep yourself physically safe, and are willing to take a risk at some trivial property damage, for the sake of doing something which has the potential to teach the narc to tone down their abuses, then this can be highly gratifying, and it can be effective. Not that it will always be effective, but depending on the lifestyle and persona the narc is trying to maintain, and on the amount of dirt and severity of said dirt, that you have on them, it definitely CAN be effective.
I was raised by narcissists and have wound up dealing with a few who were not family along the way. For a long time I thought there was nothing I could do to fight back against, and influence the narcs so as to prevent future abuses. That sort of helplessness in my mindset only ever made me more of a target. But finally I got fed up with narc bs in my life & I learned to use public humiliation, and then hinted threats of further public humiliation in reaction to any narc style attempts to start raging or to play passive aggressive head games…. & guess what, these assholes don’t target me anymore. On top of that I feel it is a public service of sorts in that anyone who was privy to the public humiliation and exposure of the tactics, lies, and criminal activities of the narc, they know what to look out for and are far more difficult for the narc to abuse/use in the same way as someone who has not been made aware.
This works mainly with narcs who have a successful career or own a business or home and who cannot simply move away to go find a new circle of narcissistic supply. For those who are drifters or grifters, it doesn’t have as much effect unless they end up running across others who will do the same public humiliation tactic, and have to move enough times not cause they want to but because they have to.
All in all, personally I find I feel much more empowered and my experience is I do not attract these types into my life, ever since I decided to use this form of “revenge” (in truth it is only truth telling) on the few people who really needed a mental spanking. But that is just me. I know for most people this approach would be far too emotionally traumatic, all the worry about what the narc is gonna do to you, your property or your reputation etc., it really isn’t worth it to most people. To me though, knowing that this person/narc is going to at least make attempts to PRETEND to be a nice person a bit more consistently, and ATTEMPT to restrain their abusive impulses more than before, out of FEAR that someone else will do the exact same thing to them, and thus the FEAR THEY WILL BE PUBLICLY HUMILIATED AGAIN, well that’s worth the effort on my end, broken windows and raging narcs be damned.
Its not that I believe I can change them into being conscientious caring human beings, I know that is not possible, its only that I know that sans the narc being mentally retarded, they are still capable of understanding the concept of consequences, and what sort of consequences their behaviors create for them. & public humiliation is the #1 thing narcs try to avoid. Usually they get away with their shit cause their victims are left so insecure and the family/friends of the victim so brainwashed, that the concept of publicly humiliating the narc, its just impossible to see how to effectively do it without brining drama down on yourself. But, if you have no shame because you live your life openly, you accept yourself as you are, and the people who know and love you are too smart and loyal to fall for the narcs attempts at manipulating them to believe you are a bad person, & you know self defense techniques and have a weapon should the narc flip out, well then you still have the upper hand.
In any case, I am not suggesting that anyone use this technique. I am just sharing my experience. For me walking around knowing I have the upper hand, know how to use it, and am able to see thru narc bs and use that upper hand BEFORE they realize that I see them for what they are, it makes me feel a LOT better than how I used to feel when I thought I was helpless against these monstrosities parading as persons
KT it is far easier and better for your soul to just walk away from all the drama – doing what you suggest keeps you invested in the relationship, because you’re spending so much time wondering how and when they are going to get back at you – you never know what they are capable of – what you’re suggesting may be enough to send some Narcissists into a homicidal rage – your life for a little revenge – not worth it in my books – just walk away.
I find this article surprisingly healing and helpful. I am still very much in a healing phase, about to start a therapy, but I can’t help but endure extreme fits of emotional anger approx 3-4 times a day when I have strong visions of how I would like to massacre my N ex. I but I am slowly moving away… And I will be happy again.
Simply put, the authors advice is all we need. Do not invest any more in the relationship emotionally. That means not trying to get back at him.her, not trying to humiliate publicly etc. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.
Enjoyed the article. Im a senior and been in a relationship with a narcissist senior for over 3 years. He has been in and out of my life since the beginning, invoking the silent treatment anytime he didn’t get his way or he got a little upset about something. His silent treatments have lasted anywhere from 3 days to 6 months. He is gone now for 2 weeks. I feel obsessed with him. I cant get him out of my head. Biggest problem is he lives right across the street from me. I can see his comings and goings, know when he’s home or not, when his garage door is open or closed. I check dozens of times a day. Im trying to deal with these emotions and think if he wasn’t so close i could get over him. I want to get over him, i know hes not good for me, i just don’t know how.
Great article! I had a brother who was married to a narcissist for 8 years and watched the abuse and destruction happen DAILY. From affairs, lies, losing 2 homes, the impact on his children, boyfriends and more. It took 8 long years, losing everything and having to move in with me that final made him realize this relationship was dangerous and he needed to RUN!
Last year I got a new boss. After several months of observing behaviors, noticing similar patterns, 360 mood swings, yelling, lies and witnessing others being treated wrongly I relized that this person was a NARCISSIST! I am extremely strong, confident in my abilities and have an excellent reputation in my work and have been the “go to” person for everything. My boss quickly worked through the group PRETENDING to care and be there for everyone and then I noticed disturbing signs and my radar went up. I observed as each peer was hit as I was poked at times. Most likely to see what I was made of. It became a dangerous and exhausting work enviornment and I took the time to research, document, collect information and continued to observe the actions from afar. When the behaviors started to impact me, my health and my family life I took immediate action, stood up to my narcissist and refused to communicate one on one and made it clear that I preferred someone sitting in on all conversations so that these conversations were documented knowing this narcissist would not be able to sit through a meeting, answer questions, have discussions without showing some of the concerning behaviors to be witnessed and documented. I made it clear that all communications that could not be witnessed were to be in writing. I made it clear that I needed to protect myself and my reputation from lies and destructive behavior. I made clear choices on what I would and would not do based on what was best for me and not what was best for the narcissist. A narcissist does not like their control to be taken away, hates to lose and will stop at nothing to meet their needs. They are dangerous to themselves and everyone they come in contact with. Once the cat is out of the bag and people start to see these patterns they lose their power, show their weaknesses and their talking in circles and lies quickly surface. It was not an easy journey and this fight for what was the right thing to do had taken a major toll on my health causing me to seek medical attention to help me finish the war. You see my intention was to fix this problem that was impacting others, affecting the company and hurting people. I am, always will be a people person. I save people. I have zero tolerance for disrespect, I will stand up for and defend an enemy if I see they are or have been disrespected. It is the right thing to do and it gives me a sense of pride. I just feel that there is never a reason to treat anyone in a manner that breaks their spirit, confidence and feel that everyones part in life is to make everyone feel valued. Life is not a competition and we need to care about others. It has always worked for me, but, I must say this has been my greatest challenge. But, my message has been heard and as well as making sure MY narcissist is fully aware that if this behavior rises again I will go another route and the impact will be huge. I was at the point of seeking other employment, but, thought this would mean they won, I would be leaving a job I loved and people would have no one that knew what was happening and they would lose my support. So, with the help of my doctor (who knew what happened and what the mission was), my family, an attorney and HR I stayed strong and pushed through the briars. It worked!!!! But, a narcissist doesn’t change. I know the pattern so well that I am able to be proactive, see the signs and reach out to the correct individuals to give them a warning when I suspect the narcissist to rise. It works. Now that the narcissist has had their hands tied (remember you can turn off a narcissist) I noticed they were grooming a coworker to do their dirty work. Clever little narcissist, but, I never close my eyes and was more clever than them. I quickly documented, had proactive conversations on the back side, then, went direct to the person being groomed (who thought they were just getting recognition and being noticed by their boss), then within days went to the narcissist, discussed the new issues, requested they address and correct things immediately, followed up with a recap in e-mail and copied all. This is how I keep my narcissist inline and protect myself. I have been working on personal goals for years with a strong following of support from my company. My reputation is that strong and my skill is off the charts. So, long story short, MY narcissist hated this and started planned to destroy my plans for the future, delayed the process for close to a year and I was not going to allow a new, inexperienced person to impact my future. It worked! MY narcissist continues to rise and I stay 3 steps ahead, correct the behavior and move forward. However, having to keep one eye on MY narcissist has been and is exhausting and will have to come to an end quickly. My family is now concerned about retaliation and my safety. But, my mission isn’t over. I still have great people to look after and make sure they a happy, productive, supported and successful. Many have no idea that “I” am fighting for them behind the scenes to make change happen and I prefer to keep it that way. Less is more…. I don’t want credit or recognition, I just want fairness. We should all be striving to do great things….
True story: In my family I keep a notepad on the fridge. Anytime someone complains they have to make a check mark next to their name. They next day for every check mark they have they must approach that many STRANGERS and give them a compliment or say something kind. I am in no way trying to stop complaining we all complain, but, we don’t say kind things to others and by doing this it helps my family feel good when they make someone’s day and see the joy in the other persons face. The reciever will never forget this experience and it could make their day better.
Best of luck to all and thank you for this great article. Reading and awareness is critical for your health. Revenge is not. Don’t seek revenge, it’s dangerous and sort of makes you like them. Be informed, observe, go slow in order to save yourself, get out of harms way easily, allow time for witnesses and support (you will need this)and make sure the narcissist knows you aren’t rolling over and that YOU are in control. This is risky, but, needed. Good luck to all and I hope I have been able to make an impact.
“Be yourself, make a difference”
Good article on narcissists. I have thru no fault of my own become the target of one. My boyfriend went to PA on business and one of the ventures was investing in a woman’s online shoe company. She is a very VERY aggressive woman and a detective on the local police force. She is very sexual and made advances on my boyfriend for which he refused. It was bad enough that he cut she tried to follow him from the bar where he and several others had drinks that evening and he had to call a friend to hide for the night. He abruptly left in the morning and felt unsafe since she was a cop and throughout this was sending me messages that “woman to woman you should know…” and “are you so stupid and slow that you can’t believe what he is doing?” This has sent her into a tirade of FB messaging me for hours about the whole weekend he was there. The more I didn’t believe her the more aggressive and stalker like she got. She simply would NOT let up. I blocked her on FB but then she enlisted friends to pass along messages for which I refused to open & read because I knew that would make her more angry that I wouldn’t play along. And she even called my office anonymously and I live several states away. It’s scary how she just kept on and on bullying me and knowing she was a detective and to anonymously call my office to tell me to check my messages. Before I blocked her, I looked at her profile and she has TONS of selfies and she is very opinionated to the point of daring people to disagree with her and just plain mean. I feel for the people in PA to have this psycho on the force.
This is excellent advice, some of the best I’ve read on how to deal with a narcissist. Thank You.
My sister is a diagnosed narcissist. The pain she has caused the family is enormous. Her children have suffered the most. Her youngest daughter is also a narcissist I believe.
After a truly evil deed on her part years ago, the family decided unanimously to cut her out of all of our lives. This was very painful decision for us to reach, and we probably would not have done so if our parents were still alive.
She reacted as described above. Her tactics including trying to turn us against one another and constantly trying to disrupt our lives with her hateful lies.
It took nearly a year for her to leave us alone. Ignoring her did not work. It seemed to give her fuel and she became much worse.
Today I feel immense pity for her, so much so that I am embarrassed by it and her sometimes.
She lives a lonely life, has no friends, two of her children have very limited contact with her. One child begrudgingly tolerates her behavior. The remaining child, the youngest daughter, still lives at home although she is 38 years old. I imagine she is her mother’s narcisstic supply.
All this being said, I would never allow this woman back into our lives. A truly destructive force. Evil!
such an interesting article, i’m a male that has been in a 9yr marriage to a narcissist, the last two year have been an up and down emotional hell for me, multiple affairs, and she is currently living with her most resent one, with my children, she has shown no remorse what soever, lied continually about her affairs, but continued to tell me she’s doesn’t want to divorce me, however she had always projected affairs on to me, claiming I was the one cheating, which I never, everything she accused me of doing she was doing herself, she has twisted the truth so badly that currently i’m on bail, for breach of intervention order, spending two months in jail, because of her lies, only two months b4 this I gave her $20,000 to renovate our holiday house, on the believe that she had ended her affair and was going to start working with me to fix our marriage, needless to say she continued her affair, and removed money from our joint account and placed it in an account I had no access to, my life was an open book to her, but hers was a secret, if I didn’t do something to her liking then the angry would come out, even when trying to get answers about her affairs, she would cut me off, and become very angry where I was afraid to get a word in. yet im still struggling to get over her, she still makes out there hope for us, and that she is not living with her affair, even though I know she is, its a game to them, but like the article say when you play it with them we are the ones that usually loose, I my case, I’ve lost money I didn’t have, house, children and a job, im slowly trying to move forward but its not easy.
I am glad I found this, my Aunt is engaged to a man, that she had met online. Why she turned to online dating I have NO IDEA, she is quite successful, home/property owner, Fitness, on boards at the the local college, and runs many tuition programs as well as taking vacations to Europe/ traveling abroad. Myself I joined the military out of high school and now attend college while renting from one of her buildings (BIG MISTAKE).
Her Fiancee moved into her place over 4 years ago with some furniture and trash bags full of clothes. When I first met him, he totally blew his Military experience out of the water! if you were in you would know what I’m talking about, so I am not going into detail as “This” was one of his “EGO BOOSTERS?” I do not judge ones intelligence or aptitude in my opinion everyone is unique, only YOU hold yourself back. Let me tell you I have never been so irritated around someone in my life as this guy; please let me explain because I do NOT hate people, although I am not claiming to be a Saint or Hippie, I just don’t care what people do as in Religion/Sexual Preference/ JOB whether a Brain surgeon or McDonald’s employee, I can get along with anyone! I simply dont care about Materialistic things maybe because I am Introverted I dont know, However I know when I am being an asshole or maybe upsetting some one, I’m just careful at what I say, now that did take me awhile to develop.
I just cannot be around this guy for long periods of time “HE” can be alright once in awhile but for the most part hes my Aunts Fiancee that’s it! For starters his Military is all Bullshit, once again if you served you would think he was never in the damn thing, but whatever. Next came when he used to brag and I am not making this up: HE CLAIMS *obviously* before he met my AUNT, LOL…. over 200k/year as a CDL truck driver, My father was an over the road trucker and so was my aunt before she got her PHD, and still this guy insists he made those wages! He claims his ex wife took everything (This is why I fear for my AUNT in this aspect). He never ever has anything good to say to some one, example he ran a “charity” under my aunts expense and community connections, but claims it all and how good of a christian he is and brags about all the money they raised, anyhow A local company opted out, well this owner went from being a real good guy that never rips of his customers to a “fucking” white trash “asshole” that steals… all because he could not contribute an x amount of a donation! HE talked my Aunt into purchasing him a vehicle (I thought you made over 200k/year?) anyhow he had to scrap his SUV, so he takes it to a scrap yard and at a glance these 2 brothers seemed to be “humble” good natured men (those are my types of people anyways we bullshitted for hours while Super Man got lost trying to find the place!) that like to collect/scrap and auto repair, when it was all said and done he talked about those 2 gentleman for days on how “trashy” and “Dirty” they are and went on to how they must be “stupid, or slow”. All he ever talks about is other peoples success, and is clearly jealous of my uncles and father for which they do well for themselves, I dont know why (I didnt until NOW) why he just hates people that have property/live modestly.
I had spoken up to him about the way he acts and he started to shake and cry like a toddler in front of my AUNT. In return I was the asshole and now I hear to no surprise, “Why do I act the way I do?” Yup, I was an asshole, oh well. The thing is I started to “notice” things My Aunt keeps quiet, he literally has no friends, HE will pretend he knows people like they grew up together, but when he approaches they nod and give very short answers, I’m not the only one that thinks he is full of himself and border line delusional. HE constantly talks about himself! and how “smart” he is. He said things along the lines of how his high school teachers appraised him, and how impressed people are in general with him.
I have to be around this guy alot, since I am now renting from my AUNT, not him MY AUNT, and her ASSETS, he literally looks down on her renters which is funny and sad at the same time, and bloats about their house cleaning lady which only comes around once a week (MY AUNT had done all of that herself way before this guy was ever came to mooch, take note he only works half the year at minimum wage jobs), like he is a big time player in the corporate world of our small town none the less he he. Someday he is going to buy my aunts property and they are going to own a dream home…which my Aunt could give two shits about anyways being that she grew up lower middle class. Now it is comical and I get a chuckle over his behavior, although if he hurts my aunt in anyway I will probably be writing my 2 cents from the state prison.
Ignores these types of people it absolutely EATS THEM, and give them positive feed back, ignore and short answers, its like they are a “machine” you see their true colors… a pout(y), low self esteem, everybody hates me, EMO, teenage girl! try it some time 🙂
I enjoy asking my XGF NPD questions. So I don’t make any statements or accusations.
-For example; she used to go on & on about good manners. Hers are absent often. I like to ask her: “I thought you said good manners are important. Everyone should be courteous to everyone don’t you think?”
One day she told me she had to move & needed help next week but no one she knew could help her so she hired some strange dude sight unseen off craigslist. I said “this is a really good idea.” When I pointed out that one out of 10 dating profiles is a fake with criminal intent & she lives in a town where violent crime rose 400% last year she said that was just a bunch of info she didn’t care about. I said “Yeah the FBI … they don’t know anything. I wouldn’t let facts interfere with your plans.” She’s really mad at me now. My all time favorite is she says you don’t have to be vulgar, be mean, or call people names to insult them. When I asked her to define insult. Not a word. She doesn’t want to.
It’s way fun.
In case you want to know…
I had a hard time letting go of my un empathetic NPD. No real reason for wanting to dump me, & constantly coming back it dragged on for a while. But when she said she met someone. Snap. She did want to remain friends & since most of my ex’s & I get along decently I said sure.
When I found her dating profiles the unexpected happened. There in her own words were lies & contradictions. She described wanting to met a man like me. When we met she would say I had these qualities. Of course I know she desires someone with wealth. The part I like best is theres no way she’ll find it. Rich guys aren’t picking average looks lady who can’t write a grammatically correct paragraph.
I so enjoy just mentioning how my experience, her behavior, & her words are not exactly aligned.
Hello Savannah! And everyone! I enjoyed this article very much, I am coming out of a 9 month relationship with a narcissist and it was enough for sure! I can’t imagine what my mind would’ve become if I’d stayed any longer… fortunately, he helped me move on with his cold behavior. Today I unfriended him on Facebook, will this be a form of negative supply for his ego?
Hiya, was great to read this cos as of today I have discovered my partner of 7 years is a narcissist I think. Could you tell me if he is by the discription please. For starters he says his mother tried to kill him and brother. was young, he serviced but brother has a brain of a 5 year old. Daddy moved around a lot with him.
He has a habit of talking loudly, even when we out shopping and it gets really embarrassing and same when we at party’s if alcohol is involved he talks non stop about himself and starts slagging off people. He has great plans, does the household chores, rubbishes his kids then has them stay here when they got no where to go. He is sooo racist it is embarrassing and thinks the universe owes him. Had a major argument with him and called him a racist and since then he turned silent and makes nasty comments. I now hide in bedroom. He gets his ego stroked by his older son that lives here as I don’t talk to him. Do N’s talk continually? When drunk, drinks every day, he can talk to himself repeating himself for hours. I will move on but need to find a job and a place to live. If he gets violent then I outta here sooner. I will find happiness once I move.
I have been dealing with such sadness, reading so much about dealing with a narcissist who stole my insides, really, although it was so slow I didn’t realize it until someone on the street was kind to me and I thought, wow, I am worthy of being treated nicely by a man.. which made me come to the shocking realization I’m one of those abused women! Anyway, this article really got through to me! thank you so much! It’s so clear and so unsympathetic to the narcissist, which I needed to hear! thank you thank you thank you I will have a better day now and I’m so much smarter now. 🙂
I have known for more than a year that my abuser had a disorder. We have been separated 3 years but he still gets back in my life somehow. I knew how he abused but was off my guard the other day. I told him I knew about a certain lie. You are correct. I got it back ten fold and felt bad for days. He came up with all the usual false accusations about particular people we both knew. Accusing me of stupid non existent things. I can see why no contact is the only way to recover, but I have a problem keeping him away. I managed 6 months’ no contact then he got back into my life yet again. Asked me was the no contact because I was jealous. I just said no but his ‘superiority’ made him assume I was jealous of his multiple partners. His shallow sexual relationships which never last.
Wow, excellent article!
I am thankful to have found this site. I’ve been married for 20 yrs, together 26 total. Now that I understand NPD, I can see how my husband digressed over the years. Looking back, he was damaged goods coming into my life. He was sexually abused as a child and abandoned by his mother at 6. When he talked of this, he said he pretty much got over it. I knew he held this in and still hasn’t healed. Early in our marriage, he had bad credit from his first marriage. I began to notice that he was horrible with money and could not keep a checking account. I began to notice missing checks from our joint account and he freely used our credit cards hiding the receipts. I closed the joint accounts, got rid of the joint cards & kept my finances separate since. I noticed his NPD really kicked in when he started a business in 2005. This really empowered him. After that, he could never work a normal 9-5. He loved the status, being the man everyone came to, he became a gravy train for his family and finally got the attention from his mother! Long story short, his business partners kicked him to the curb for mismanaging funds. He still is in denial to this day. That’s what really made me see how disconnected he was. I couldn’t sleep at night knowing he owed them large amounts of money and he’d be sound asleep and wake up as if it were a new day. His former partner told me he is very narcissistic, thats when my research began. I was floored! Since 2005, I’ve began to fall out of love with this person. It’s easier for me too see that the man I married went away years ago. Thankfully, our daughter is 25. She remembers her dad as a good father up until she was 16 and to her, thats when he left us. I feel I am ready to move on. He’s out of the house as of this past weekend and back home with mama. I’ll be 53 in a couple days. Thank God, he didn’t destroy my spirit. I believe, I ‘m beautiful inside and out. I love to work out and I take good care of myself. My daughter is helping me through this and is looking forward to our new life together. I actually feel sorry for my husband. He came to me damaged and is leaving even more damaged. I would appreciate any feedback, I feel I could use support from my friends out there who are going through this too.
Thanks so much for this great article, I am with a Narc the relationship is now is like really fast roller coaster, its like he shuts everyting off on me every other day! the silent tretment! we have been together for 1 and 1/2 year and I started to realize that he is a narc more than six months ago, because I always talk about my relationship to one of my best friends and tell him everyting, and he was the one first told me he must be a narc and i should get away from him. So i feel i am a bit , lucky to find out about his personality disorder now, so all the back and forwards, all the insults and calling me names, all the neediness and complainings, rage and anger, lack of empathy, not interested the list is long …has actually made me to loose the love i had for him .. each time he breaks up with me these days i expect myself to cry and be sad and ask why why why but i cant do it anymore because he can not make me feel like this anymore i am becoming indifferent towards his actions, and i think he knows it. That why he does this more frequently these day, in attemt to make me feel miserable but he cant! not anymore. and I can not thank God /universe enough to make me feel like htis now. Because earlier i would just go miserable, heartbroken, and defenceless and each time i was asking God please TAKE THIS LOVE OFF MY CHEST! and eventually it happened we didnt officially break up but I know this is the end, I am not going to answer his phone calls and texts back and I know this is enough revange on its own. to show you dont care anymore. And infact he is jealous he thinks the reason i went cold is because i found someone else!! Stay strong and be there for yourself not for him/her they will suffer, they will plead they will melt! Have anyone seen the movie or read the book ” the picture of Dorian Grey” I’ve read the book 10 years ago not knowing 8 years later i was going to encounter the Mr. charming N. Love and freedom from narc to you all <3
the one thing that I can say 100% true is that a Narcicisst is dangerous when they are exposed. I went to my ex husbands parent to tell them what was going on and ask them to help get him in line…well when I got home he strangled me with his hands (despite me being 37 weeks pregnant!!) .. I’m lucky to be alive..at the time I didn’t know he was an N…I’ve only just put the pieces together thanks to this site. I know that success is the best ‘revenge’ now….I must redirect my energy.
Is normal for me to be questioning m own self and sanity. after my seven year relationship with my ex and her sister. when it comes to letting me see my little girl it sees like an emotional abuse battle between me and them. Where I was just reacting to their actions and comments. Im tired of the fighting and it seems like every time she she says” I don’t want to argue that when the fights begin” and I’m at fault is it me am I the problem. Then a month ago I told the in these exact words” You are not giving me sex you are not giving me money you have no controll over me and I am not going to use my time and gas o drive my daughter to your side of town becouse you do not want to meet at the half way spot. Now I m getting the silent treatment and the only I can see my daughter is when I visit her for n hour at day care. These two seemed happier when me and here sister’s ex were working part time or not working at all. About a month after I started to work full time agin and could help pay more of the bills they bailed and got their own place. They keep on telling me about the year and a half where I was unemployed or working a partime kitchen job. Now I feel like a jerk becouse for that time they did cover the electricity while I covered my part of the rent and food as well as cleaning and cooking. So am I part of the problem or is it them projecting on to me
its not that easy to walk away with children and the roof over my head. i invested my whole life with this N. i am in the process of laying ducks to get out.. ( he can keep the house he neglected and broke). taking the kids..getting an apt. i WOULD like to SHOW him what A “c” really looks like. e.g dropping him off my car insurance, cell phone plan..and stop paying his stupid cable bill. NOW thatS a “C” buddy!
You sound more like an “A” – for awesome than a “C.”
My sister is a narcissist. I used to think she would mellow out with age. At age 63, her disorder has gotten worse. Once a narcissist is confronted, which I did, there is no turning back. After confronting my sister about her behavior, I mistakenly allowed her back in my life, which fueled the fire. So, no matter how difficult, it is best to stop all communication and get on with life. I would like to add that, yes, narcissists can be dangerous. The ONLY revenge is to leave them alone.
thank you for this wonderful piece of article on narcissism.3 years back i met a girl and fell in love with her. i approached her and told her my feelings and she reciprocated in the same manner. we started off great and it was all going good, then i had to go away for my college and i no time our close knit relationship became a ‘long-distance’ relationship.problems started coming then. often she would insist on speaking over the phone after midnight despite knowing that iwould have a class the next day. and if i by chance someday i had to cut the call early,she would never talk to me properly for the next week or so. then she started telling me about the guys she used to meet in her college and her party friends( mostly guys). talk in lascivious manner about them ,sometimes i even told her that being in a relationship you should never play this dirty game of talking about other guys’ body and make such cheap comments in front of your boyfriend or even on the phone. when this phase was done with.. she came with something new… one night in my hostel i was preparing for bed because i had a train to catch the next morning to my home, i was all happy and dreamy about meeting her after a long time, then suddenly the phone rang with ann unknown number, i picked up and it was her. in a half drunk state and with a guys heavy voivce comming from the background she strated saying that she would spend the night at this guys house who’s behind her and holding her through the staircases. this happened for the next couple of times as well. long story short now!!! when she broke up with me she said she was gonna get married and that her family will never let me take that place in her life. and after some months i found out that she has been dating a guy from her office and has also been involved in some random sexual encounters with guys from bars and pubs… i was angry that why didn’t she tell me the truth for the break-up. was i not worthy of that at all?
Wow, this site is SO helpful! Thank you, Savannah!
I have been apart from my N for a year. I knew I should have left sooner, and my dangerous situational isolation…living in a foreign country…contributed to my overwhelm. That and my other classic symptoms, – being seriously dazed and confused, the constant tension in the home, his emotional roller coaster and raging, having no energy or motivation. The man was living off of my energy! I could go on.
We had important business we had to resolve, so I could not go No Contact. Worse, I felt I had to play nicey-nice and do the egg shell thing.
Reading the various articles and comments has been incredibly validating and more helpful than anything else I have used in my committed path to recovery.
This article brings to mind a favorite quote, (more or less): “Revenge / holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.”
Wanting to strike back to one’s abuser is so human. I have sadly been consumed with obsessive thoughts about this at times. My greatest efforts at present are to redirect all of this stagnant, hurt energy towards positive images of what I want to call into my life. It is a constant battle, but I am determined and I will get past this!
Again, I thank you for creating to forum of healing.
I am just getting out of this situation now and it is painful !My man was lying to me about his whole entire life !He said he was a Christian praying man and was a godly man who had integrity and honesty and that he was never tempted by other women like most men are. No one night stand for him he says.Anyway he did the silent treatment on me over just about anything and sometimes for months ! I used to beg for forgiveness and say sorry all the time over and over and he took his time coming back. He loved me begging ! Our fights ( not sure why) were about practically nothing and it was like walking on broken glass all the time..I had to watch what word I used, how I said it etc…eve then I made him punish me with distance again and again…it was hell !I cried so much I made myself sick and loved him so much ! he eventually made me feel inadequate and flawed all the time but he was always right ! Looking back I see he was controlling me and manipulating me !He breaks off with me over nothing abruptly…I cry..try to get him back by doing everything he says and begging for months and months.It was crazy and so much depression for me. Well he broke off with me last month and at first I cried and cried and wanted him back to o avail ! I sent email after email and he never read them or replied. I asked people who really knew him well more abut him and found out they all thought he was weird,even his own teenage son !His sisters never talk to him and think he has always been weird. He has a massive ego ad thinks he is young looking still( he is 55)but he looks like he s getting older and close to his age .He lies constantly and believes his lies ! Blames everyone else and say they are hurting him when it is the other way around ! He steals from his job ( security at a resort ) at night when he works as no one is around to catch him !Sells the stuff on Craigslist..always borrowing $ never paying back, uses other to get free meals and even uses the same cu at Mcds to sneak in a refill it 3-4 times per day ( stealing)again He is nasty to his mother ( an elderly lady on a pension), distances her to punish her because she asked him to pay her back the money he owes her !She is very hurt !He don’t even care ! I found out the in our 5 year relationship in which he made sound like he loved me and I was special to him was a lie and he has been secretly dating many other women and taking them to dinner yet will not even by me a birthday card !There is so much to this story but the end it soon here is what I did to him…He is avoiding me at all cost and probably telling everyone I am the fault..only they know he is and don’t like him…but he will keep trying !Anyway I played a game on him with emails and sent tracked emails…. he never read most of all of them ( the one about loving him etc..) he has no idea I know all this stuff about him yet..so I send him emails saying in the subject line anything to get his attention to read my mail. I put in the subject line that “I need to know him better said I could talk to your friends etc…” Well he opened that one pretty darn fast !! read it over and over again !I got him scared I was going to find out all his secrets he was hiding. I send more fake emails playing him…he rad them even more over and over…I knew he was worried by now of getting caught and found out ! When I found out he cheated I was devastated !I mean 5 years ! I told him off in my emails really harshly…but I attacked all the things that he had an ago over ! His looks and him aging…he always thought he was fit and young looking..I told him I found him unattractive and old looking now and that he got chubby and also said you got man boobs now…YUK !…I attack all his sensitive spot and pushed all his buttons where I new his ego was. and I was brutal and cruel….then I reported him to the job he did as security at the hotel….the stealing at night and leaving the property to get tips driving people around instead of staying at the job site and watching the place ( his job) and the stealing….Now they are setting up a secret way to watch him on his job at night to catch him red handed !..They are keeping my name anonymous from him ! Also he has no idea I know he is stealing ! I know a woman who knows his family….I am waiting to here news when he get busted for stealing etc..( he brags to others he has integrity and honesty to everyone ( his image of himself that is not true) So getting arrested on the job for stealing should get him good ! Not only that he will loose his security job and never work the job again !And have a criminal record ! Revenge on a narcissist is sweet ! Now I can move on and better my life and show him how happy my life is while his is miserable ! LOL…He deserves it ! He hurt so many people and even made me almost commit suicide when I found out about all the women behind my back !
Gail I think the point here is look at how much time and energy you are investing in this. You are so bent on getting him to suffer that you yourself remain stuck looking for signs of his misery. Only when he’s paid his dues will you move on. Why not move on now, forget about him and put your energy into you and your happiness.
The worst thing I ever did was ignore this article. I suspected my wife was a sociopath with narcissistic personality traits. I thought I could save my marriage by just going along with her for the kids sake. BE YE WARNED!!!!!! She set me up and after years of service in the military and Law Enforcement she had me arrested for something I DID NOT DO. She was able to get loads of child support and sold or destroyed a lifetime of earnings and belongings. I walked away with a traumatic brain injury, criminal charges and some clothing. Since I was “restrained” from returning to the house, over the next month, Her and her father (also a narcissist) laughed as they drank my 45 year old wine collection and destroyed my military certificates and collections. I am living a nightmare and it has cost me thousands and thousands. I paid for criminal defense but can not afford a divorce attorney. I am screwed!! She planned this out for months and months and has no regard for me, our 15 years of marriage or our children’s welfare. She would have killed me to get my money and I believed she had planned on it. It’s too late for me … there is still time for you to GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP NOW!!!!!
I got revenge on the narc I was dating, and it was so sweet. He took off on me once again, and since I was fed up I texted him that it was over and he could drop my son’s laptop off on my porch. (he had it because a mutual friend repaired it) He had left his laptop at my house so he asked me to leave his outside, too. That’s when my intuition kicked in and told me to look at his laptop before returning it. I opened it, logged in as another user, and what do you know…his facebook page was open. There were messages between him and another woman and he was asking her to marry him!! He had made all of these grandiose and quite ridiculous plans to take her to Brazil and bring his daughter…the guy was so broke he couldn’t put gas in his car, but he’s going to Brazil? On whose dime??
Well, I pretended I was him, and I updated his facebook status. I wrote a long apology to myself for cheating on me and I tagged his little girlfriend. I went on and on about what a piece of shit I was for cheating on me and lying to this other girl about going to Brazil. I also pm’d her saying all of the plans I’d made were lies, etc etc. It was so damn funny. Then people started responding to his status and I replied a few times saying what a piece of shit I was….hahahaha!!!
After having ignored me for days all of a sudden the Narc started trying to call and text me but I had blocked him using Mr. Number. I could see that he’d tried but all messages were blocked. I bet he shit a brick when he saw that his status had been updated, outing him as a lying cheater. And there hasn’t been a damn thing he can do about it, either. I made sure his credibility was shot because I was all over facebook running my big mouth about what he did and telling his friends and coworkers all about what happened. Most of them already knew there was something “off” about him but had no idea what kind of disordered monster he really is. I’ve received nothing but support from my friends and his. Even the ones I was sure would “unfriend” me after the drama are still friends, and they’re all starting to see the light about this guy.
I still have some of his stuff at my house, stuff that you think would be sentimental and that he’d want to have. I told him he can come and get it as soon as he’s honest with me about what was going on behind my back. He still insists he has done nothing wrong. He just can’t admit what he did even though I caught him red-handed. Now that I know how to play him, it’s been pretty fun getting back at him. Now I have gone no-contact and have been that way for about 10 days. I’m taking guesses on how long before he tries to hoover me back in. (newsflash: he’s NEVER coming back into my life ever again. I have friends lined up to kick my ass if I let him in…hahaha)
My ex gf is a narc, she used to use the silent treatment for weeks and weeks for no reason, fortunately I looked into this behaviour and concluded what she was. As for revenge, most narcs as they get older do not have anyone, nobody will go near them, they are tormented by their aging skin and their life becomes the same pain they inflicted on others. This is karma, so just run and look forward to the future!!!
This is the best article I’ve ever read in my whole life. I didn’t even know what narcissism was until I met this last one. I was watching a show on ID channel and she described this man that sounded so much like my ex. I looked it up and came across this and it described him DEAD on!!!
I just screamed out loud YES!!! It’s amazing that these people have the same exact characteristics! Wow! And I tried revenge, tears, and making him jealous nothing worked! And that part about them twisting things around and having no logic. OMG! He always needs to feels remembered and important. Wow!!!
I love this! I will be taking my high road! Thanks so much
Perfectly well said. I tried it, and best revenge is be happy and IGNORE the crap out of them,,,and bingo, You win,,,they loose…don’t give them Nothing to feed off of. I have two kids with him, and truely don’t care don’t ask him anything,,,He hates uit..too bac…Love yourself and never ever let someone manipulate you again with the fake charms..and never change for no one. and Pray like never before to never go back to the smelly garbage, they are
I was targeted at work by a narcissist. The creature made me ill and enjoyed doing so . I eventually left and to this day the creature still tries to get his narcissistic supply from me.
I agree that any attempt at revenge will only serve to reinforce their needs to feel that they are whole people . They exist in a vacuum, a black hole because they have no self.
They can only suck life from others in order to fill the void . That’s why they copy people,and mirror people. Like Hitler their unconscious mind is on the outside. If you want revenge , cut the cancerous swine off stone cold dead , no contact no response no reactions to them , ever. Then know unto yourself the sheer desperation the creature will experience whilst trying to secure its narcissistic supply.
Having been in and out with a 47 year old ex A10 fighter pilot (yeah “hero”) I can say with great certainty that there is no point in trying to seek revenge. The best revenge is indeed pretending they dont exist and moving on to a happy and successful life with someone who will truly love you for you. There were so many red flags with mine that I chose to ignore. Knowledge is power and it is through the courage of others (all of you) that I am able to stay strong. Your stories are heart breaking but honest and eye opening. To the Narc’s they will always see themselves as a hammer and the whole world – their nail. Go stealth. No contact and be happy to be out of their line of fire. xo
The best revenge, if and when they break your heart is to disappear from their lives completely and go ghost mode. Say nothing, respond to nothing when they call or write to check in on you act like they never existed. Chances are they aren’t self reflective or aware enough to notice. But, when they feel like the pages of your life that had chapters mentioning them are removed, it will shake them to the core. Move on, find someone nicer, who cares about you.
Great article on the N ! I agree with “somebody I use to know” comment. Even that song has some truth to it—- you never truly know a n .
I tried to get revenge on my narc by exposing his behaviors and what a cruel man he is to his kids. I feel very guilty for harming his innocent children but I knew that they are the only thing he actually genuinely cares about so I thought that would be the most damaging thing to do to retaliate.
It seems that it backfired though as his kids still seem to idolize him and he completely shut me out telling me that I am sick. It is probably a blessing in disguise since I never had the strength to walk away from him and all of his abuse and lies and manipulation but it now kills me that he got away completely unscathed and I’m left feeling shattered and rejected plus carry the awful burden of having done something so mean and nasty to innocent children. Any advice on how to deal with this?
I am a woman who was involved with another woman. She was a total narcissist.love bombed me at the beginning…telling me how special I was. She was a single mom like me but a terrible one. We both teenagers..but hers were in constant trouble. All she did was play the victim, was always texting someone on our dates which I always paid for because I was in better financial shap than she was. My ,first clue that she was a narcissist was when she raged me not long after our relationship began. She blamed me for not understanding.she never complimented me or ask me how my day was ever! ,I did all the calling all the planning….she had me totally fool until I finally caught her lying 8 months later. I was at her house for dinner and she has her cell phone flipped over so I couldn’t see who was calling. When she answered the telephone, she said that that was your mother calling. Well I heard a mans voice on the other end. That was it for me I ended it and we’ve been NC for almost 3 weeks. My revenge is that I am writing a novel about our relationship. I have already started I have had offers. I’m on a log of one of the chapters is being presented at the theatre company next month.I do not have any regrets because I realize I fell in love with an illusion. Thank you so Savannah for all of your wonderful posts. I have been reading them almost daily and they have really helped me get through staying away and moving on. I know the best is yet to come!
I just want to make sure that he paid what’s his share of debts he walked away so I’m holding his stuff hostage until I get something legal in writing. I just don’t want to get stuck with his financial burdens. Any suggestions to how I can achieve this?
Your blog is brilliant. I am so glad we have the resources we have now days. I can’t imagine how people survived without all of this information. Thanks you so much.
Thank you -I’m in tears as your articles (this and others) have opened my eyes to my situation. I’m not to blame, I’m not the ‘selfish one’ I’m not ‘ugly on the inside’, I’m not negative or crazy… He is. I was in love with a N, a facade…who promised me all that I hoped and dreamed for. It’s over, I was robbed financially and emotionally. My name slandered and my friends divided. I’m now in Phrase 3…. I fear I’ll never trust again.
This was in the form of a brother-in-law. He hid it well for years, tried to make out that I and everyone else had the problems. He is a lying, using and abusing real piece of work.
The part that is the most difficult for me is that my husband, the “N”, works at the same company as I. He left me for another employee at this same company and they are having an open affair there. Everyone knows about it-he brags about it. So, it is very difficult having to go to work everyday, with the two of them, and trying my best to avoid them at all costs. We were together, off and on, for nine years. He sees how hurt i am. I don’t want him to, but it’s nearly impossible to always avoid him. His ability to have this affair right in front of me, without a thought of how it affects me, is so incomprehensible to me. But, then i have to remember, that he doesn’t care how i feel–he only cares how he feels and if he knows he has hurt me, well, that’s just all the better for him.
The article gives a great advice. The RIGHT answer to narcissistic abuse is to walk away, be successful and happy. There is no other revenge. I do know that the first thing you want to do is to beat the N as long as it moves, but that is EXACTLY what (s)he wants. You beat him, hurt him, and then he will go around telling everybody that he is the victim, and you are so cruel.
It makes no sense to attend this game. Remember, you DO have better things to focus on and spend your time on, but (s)he doesn’t. You don’t have time to maintain a never ending battle. A narcissist’s life passion is to play these pity game against normal people.
But you have better things to do.
It sounds like I was with a narcissist for a number of years. In 2007, I met an extremely attractive older man who seemed so caring and in love with me. I couldn’t believe someone with his looks and his seemingly, very caring personality wanted to be with me; was in love with me.
Six months after meeting him, I moved in with him and his son, and was being introduced to the rest of his family. His youngest son had a problem with our relationship because he didn’t want his father in a involved with anyone but his mother who’d died three years. This son of his had a two year old daughter, and made it clear that he was going to keep her away from my partner(her grandfather). This didn’t bother my partner at all. His one and only grandchild being kept from him. He said that if being with me cost him any future interactions with his granddaughter, that he didn’t care in the least because he wanted to be with me at the time.
Two years later, my, very likely, narcissistic partner’s 87 year old mother was dying in a nursing home. One day, he told me that the doctors there called him up and explained to him that she only had a few hours to live and told me to come with him to say goodbye to her. He couldn’t emotionally handle doing that alone.
A week later, we were both kneeling alongside her casket at her wake almost like husband and wife. A few months later when her ashes were buried, my partner asked me to write a eulogy for him to read at her interment, and I obliged. the rest of his family thought is was very nice.
Well, two months later, he revealed to me that he had been carrying on a relationship with another person, a married woman, since he’d first met me and didn’t love me any more; hadn’t in years. This married woman had supposedly been persuaded by him to leave her husband for him so he told me to make arrangements to leave. He gave me a few months to do that. In the interim, this other woman decided not to break up with her husband, and broke off the one she had with my partner.
Well, it turned out he had started up another relationship with another woman about six months earlier. When I moved out, he moved her in 4 HOURS LATER!
When he moved me out, he gave me a good amount of money, and agreed to keep three boxes of my belongings until I found a permanent residence in the new city I was in.
Things didn’t work out there so I moved back to New England, where I used to live with him, and was in need of the warmer clothing he was keeping for me in his attic in those three boxes, so I called him up asking for a few sweaters. He came over to the hotel I was staying in and told me how nice it was to see me again and offered me more financial assistance. I initially refused the money he was offering, but two weeks later I was in a pretty bad financial situation. So bad, I was literally about to end up homeless. he came over and gave me a couple of hundred dollars and told me he was going to retract his earlier offer of assistance henceforth because the new girl he was with didn’t want him to help me at all and basically told him to go ahead and let me end up out on the street.
He told me that he loved her, and wasn’t going to lose her so I was to get no more financial help after that. He did say he’d act as a reference on a job application for me, though. Several months later, I sent him a text asking him if his sister would act as a reference for me, as well, and he told me that at that point he wasn’t even going to act as a reference for me because the new girl, whom he’d married at that point, didn’t want him having any contact with me whatsoever.
Mind you, he still had my boxes of belongings in his attic, and didn’t start sending them to me until he got married to this girl six months after I moved out. I take it he intentionally put off sending me my belongings because he wanted to be able to have me halfway moved back in if things didn’t work out with the new girl. He was trying to figure out how permanent their relationship was. I would send him a text once a month asking for my things which he would complain about since she was so hostile to the idea of our having any kind of communication with each other.
To sum up this long twisted story and compare this mans behavior up against that of your typical narcissist, he started off constantly fawning over me and was willing to forfeit relationships with his family members just to get what he wanted at the time. It seemed like he was making a major sacrifice to be with me out of love. That wasn’t the case, he just didn’t care enough about his family to be concerned about their feelings and having continued relationships with him. If he was willing to cut off all contact with his one and only granddaughter to be with me out of his love for me, he wouldn’t have cheated on me from the very beginning with this other lady.
He also didn’t feel enough for me(respect me)not to move one of his other girlfriends in just hours after I left even though I was there for him during the whole process of his mother’s passing. While I was there with him at her deathbed; kneeling with him alongside her casket at her wake; reading a eulogy written, by me, for him to read at his mother’s burial; he was planning on replacing me in a matter of months with a least two possibilities. That was the abandonment phase. Also, during the last few years of our relationship, he started convoluting things I said into things I didn’t mean. I was being told I was this worthless degenerate; in other terms.
Reading up on narcissism and the relationships people afflicted with the disorder lead has helped me begin to explain to myself what really caused my relationship with this man to deteriorate so rapidly after being caught up in a whirlwind romance with him. I’ll never completely get over what happened, though.
I’ve read the article and comments and find them very reassuring, the only area it didn’t cover was that of isolation. My narcissist ex-husband made sure before he left that I had no friends and very little family to rely on for support, over the years he got his kicks by showing me up in every possible way so he could have my whole attention and that of others. The narcissist is basically a very insecure person who can’t bare the fact you might be a better person than them, when you start to control a conversation or make people laugh that’s when they strike, belittling you and mocking. They don’t realise what they really are doing is showing their true colours. Mine left for a newer model, he’s laying it on thick and bending over backwards to make her happy, it wont last. Something will kick in one day, when he decides the game he’s playing isn’t fun anymore, it’s true – they become bored very easily. I am moving on, very slowly but find the no contact way of doing things, helpful. He doesn’t get a reaction because I don’t allow him to, the ball is on my side of the court and that’s where it’s going to stay. It’s still early days for me but I live in the belief there is something better waiting around the corner and the only sadness is that I’d wasted so much of my life on this sad specimen of a human being. Best Wishes to Everyone xxx
I just read your article. Thank you so very much for it./ My story: I liked someone, they didn’t like me back. I got very I’ll, almost losing my life and there they were and never stopped coming around, sucking the life out of me I barely had./I,surprising feel good yet dometimes wish I could get revenge./ Unrequited love for a loser./ Upset yet free.
I am grateful to stumble upon this article and read so much comments from everyone here. It is so good not to feel alone in this situation.I just broke up with the NP, he initiated it and it was as expected,no concrete reasons ever..except to realize he had a new Supply.It was a short affair, i knew him for 5mths.He was the sweetest person initially. He lost his job while we were together, citing his colleague was jealous of him & did petty complaints that went out of control.I believed this at first but now i think, they were probably mostly lies.He went into financial problems which he had admitted to me during our relationship. Funny thing was,i offered to check if i can help him & he Refused and said I am the one person he can never take money from!
Instead, he broke up with me saying he needed space to think about his job situation initially but i found out he is seeing the New supply and obviously taking money from her?This,I do not understand!!She was not pretty,very young and all she does is work in a club and gave him free drinks & publicity that is not even beneficial to his job!I have no idea what was i, in his mind to serve as his ego-booster. Perhaps he just needed a pretty & nice person for awhile to soothe his frustrations.We were not even having a lot of sex as well – really doesnt make any sense. All he wants was for me to cook for him & accompany him to his friend’s house for lunches and dinners!!It is crazy to show me off to his friends and then decided to leave me & go for someone totally unimaginable -which he describe her to be at first. The OW was sleeping & dumped by his friend and he even described her as rumour monger & childish!and now he is with her! And he is witholding all my stuff at his house, giving numerous reasons to my friend (who was trying to help me to take my things as i do not want to see his face again) He said he is busy, he forgot and he has meetings. And then just as i expected, he instead told her that perhaps he can drop it off so I can take it instead whenever i am free.I dont know what kind of a sick game he is trying to do!I have decided to give up on having any stuff back and move on, telling myself this has to end.
I am hurt, eventhough this was a short affair.i cried because he called me psycho and made me feel like im crazy when obviously, anyone who knows me – knows that HE IS CRAZY!Some of his friends told me to not waste my tears and that i should move on.They told me he will try to call me back in 6-7mths and if i am with someone else, i have to tell him Too bad. I am not sure if i know what to do when that happens. But right now,i have seen him a couple of times at the places we always go to, but i just act like as if he is invisible or a stranger.I know this is the best as he cant stand Not having any attention that he seek from me especially at this point. He even posted a picture of him that he knows is my favourite, waiting to get a reaction. BUT NO. Right now, i need to be strong and have NC. Reading these articles have helped me to try and stay strong.
For the last 15 months i was involved with a Narcicist, after reading your blog i got the complete picture… unfortunately he was extremely clever to made me believe all our love history was real, and we had a future… less than 3 weeks ago i found out he is married and living with his wife, to me he said he was separated since february 2012 and and in the process of divorce, there was always a new drama going on, so I try to not disturb and support him but not asking much about his painful situation…
i had no idea how he handle to stay with me in hotels and go out like a normal couple, even i got pregnant during those months but i had a miscarriage.
I m devastated after i found out the truth… how come one person can be so cheater and lier?????
now, he continue playing his rol as a family man, churche man…. etc and i feel so disapointed and dirty, i was so inocent, always believing him, telling him how much i adored him and making every kind of scrifice to travel to the US to see him…
I know i will survive this situation and be more happy, definetely being a victing of a mental sick person can become a night mare and destroy someone’s life…
I am currently in this relationship (married going through a divorce but still in same house) and have learned he is a covert narcissist. It has been a nightmare for 10 years and to make things worse his parents live on the same land as us. His mother fits the profile of a narcissist too. They have done so many things to me it is hard to believe that people breathe and eat pain for others. However, I am trying to recover and move on. This post is very helpful because so often the victim feels like it is them. I have felt many times that there is something wrong with me and yet, I knew something never added up. He would make me beg for forgiveness and then punish me by either ignoring me completely or have the most incredible temper I have ever seen unleash itself. He would kick me out in the streets in the middle of the night. My kids and I went through a lot. Then he would change his mind. We have stayed in a hotel for 2wks before. Particularly when I showed feelings of sorry or any kind emotion he would use them against me. I didn’t understand that for many years and no one to talk to me about this. No one would understand. I allowed him to ruin my nursing career, my schooling, my own family members, but he has not ruined my job. I have 3 kids (not his) and he has left a mark on them too. Yes, you are right that we can heal with a scar. It will be difficult but I think that you are so right when you ignore your narcissist he runs back. My narcissist is very hard emotionally and is assisted by his mom (who is 80 years old) and other family members near by. I am in fear of what new calculated moves by him and his family will come next. It has been frightening and those who have never experienced this abuse will never know the true suffering the victims go through. I know I am not perfect but I do have remorseful feelings for anyone I hurt and that goodness inside of me has been used to my husbands advantage. It screws up your head and I think that I will be recovering from this for many years to come and I am in my 50’s.
This is the first post I have ever written on a blog. I want the author and all those who are in similar situations to me to know that reading up narcissism and understanding the behavior helps out enormously to move on and heal. The narcissist makes you feel so low about yourself that it cripples you emotionally. I have been building myself up emotionally and I have been researching this topic for almost 2 years. It has taken that long to understand all of this and I am still building myself up (my husband continues to drain my finances so I cant leave, spread gossip to everyone, drain me emotionally, reject me by totally ignoring me,and put me down like I am not attractive in any way). I hope anyone that reads this knows you are not alone and keep feeding your mind with positive thoughts. Thanks for allowing me to post.
Thank you Savannah. YOu have no idea how these articles have helped me. I was in involved with 2 narcisists, and the last one was very damaging to my pysche. A few days before he came out publicly with his new love interest, he had kissed me passionately and told me he loved me. I was discarded coldly. I had thoughts of letting her know he was cheating on her too but the narcisist is a great smooth talker while she seems young and not very bright, as well as poor. She needs him as a single mom and will certainly believe him, not me. So I am just trying to see if time helps me move on…
I need help….”badly”
I am trying to end a relationship with someone I feel is either a narcissist or an alcoholic or both. I really fell in love with him and still love him, He left me in many places when I asked for a commitment. The last time after 2 years I asked him to get off a dating cite because I was off because I loved him, He always says he loves me and that I am wonderful. He breaks dates because he has been drinking. He is 53 and I am 60 years old. He is a therapist and I am a social worker, He uses the therapist title to say he is right and I am wrong. He gives me the silent treatment for months and says he is breaking up with me and then he comes back expecting me to say I am sorry. He told me last time he went to bed with a woman in the bar after he broke up with me. That hurt. Now he broke up with me again but sends me texts saying, “He forgives me” and he is sorry. That is loves me. He left me on a Mexican cruise one time, got off the ship when I told him that I wanted to know where he lives and he never showed me. He was flirting with a younger woman. He says I am gorgeous but he flirts. He got better with that, but I am tired of his games and even told him he was a narcissist and a drunk. He is in denial. He has 2 parents that ignored him. His mother according to him who is dead now was a narcissist and a religious zealot and used him as a subsitute husbband. His father did not give him attention and was a workaholic.
My question is why do I still care about him and want to change him? Why even after I told him how I feel he does not change or realize what he does. He has a therapist license. He left his wife when he was yonger because he told me she did not give him enough sex, ha ha that’s a joke maybe he was cheating on her. I am hurt but may go out with another man on Saturday. At least with my almost PhD in Psychology and I had a wonderful first marriage for 21 years and he never cheated on me, at least I know the difference between a good man and a bad man. Also this joker goes off for days camping with men, maybe he is bisexual? I do not know. He is a nut.
I had a relationship with a 45 year old woman who obviously has NPD. She is stunning to look at — an ex-model. I was with her for nearly 2 years, but the fake personality ended about 3 weeks into the relationship. But by then, I was hooked. She had an addiction to sex, and I mistook this for love and affection.
But she had patterns that I should have recognized right away…but I was unfamiliar with this disorder. Because I was intent on building a meaningful relationship, I kept hoping and hoping for change. And change always seemed right around the corner.
I was not perfect and made some mistakes. But she turned these mistakes back on me and used them as justification for everything she did.
As I look back, I can see that she was constantly looking for new supply. After our breakup (which I ended, insisting that she not try to contact me — she did contact me once via an email within a week, but I ignored it and did not respond. But man, I really wanted to), I began hearing from friends that she had been telling other men (all of whom were wealthy) for quite a while that she was not in a relationship.
She was looking for her next victim. She is financially broke and has no marketable skills. Her only asset is her physical beauty and that’s been enough to get her through life…moving from one man to the next, each one taking care of her financial needs.
We had been living together for a while but I told her to move out. She went ballistic! But she did move…yet I remained with her.
She constantly needed money and I stupidly supported her for more than a year. Looking back, I can’t believe that I was such a dope…and such a dupe. When I complained about having to support her, she said, “i don’t see what your problem is. You can afford it. I would do the same for you if the situation were reversed. My partners have always supported me when I wasn’t making enough money to live on.”
I asked, “But were any of the supporting you when you were not living with them?”
As I read the various articles in this blog, so many of them make sense to me. I just reverse the gender and viola!: I see my ex-partner.
I never thought that I had a codependent personality, but I can now see things clearly. I do love to fix things…to fix people.
I was attracted to her for many reasons. First, her physical beauty. Hey, I’m a male, and we are attracted to beautiful women. But I soon realized that her beauty was indeed only skin deep. I realized that she had some big problems, but rather than running, I tried to fix her. I always felt that we were just one breakthrough away.
But the breakthrough never occurred, and I can now see that it never will occur.
Within 1 week of telling her that I wanted to end the relationship, she flew to Idaho with someone she had just met (yes, he was wealthy. All of her victims have that in common). But she told me that it was just platonic and that she had no interest in him, nor did he have any interest in her.
I told her that I didn’t believe her, but she persisted. I know that she is not telling the truth…and through my research, I can now see that the number of lies she told me is massive. Her life is one big lie, and our relationship was built on her lies.
I feel foolish and would love to get revenge. I would like to confront her about things so that I can resolve them within myself. But I realize that this would be a complete waste of time and counterproductive for me. All she would do is repeat her lies. Why would she do otherwise?
Would she say, “Ah, you got me! Now that we aren’t together, I will tell you the truth about all of my lies. Where do you want to start?”
No. I think that she doesn’t even believe she lies — she is so pathological that she believes them. She does not believe she is lying if her lies go unchallenged. At times, I had irrefutable proof that she had lied. Her response was to get angry and start criticizing me. She basically said, “Well, you’re the bad guy because you shouldn’t have found out that I was lying.”
One time we were having a heart-to-heart talk (at least that’s what it seemed to be at the time. Now, I can see that it was just an act). I asked her to tell me one single thing that she was doing in the relationship that was wrong…was counterproductive. I said, “Please tell me that you own SOMETHING, and that this is not 100% my fault.”
She remained silent. Wouldn’t respond. Kept her head down and muttered, “This is excruciating. I can’t take it. My brain has stopped working.”
I persisted in as calm and caring a voice as I could muster.
She finally said, “Well, I could be better at tolerating you. I’m not very good at tolerating your faults.”
That was a year ago. Yep, I’m embarrassed to admit that.
But I’m now on the way to recovery and determined to maintain NC for at least 4 weeks. It’s been one week so far. I’ve set this 4-week goal because I’m sure that I will feel differently at the end of 4 weeks and will find it easier to move on and ultimately rid myself of the thought of her.
Her brother-in-law is a friend of mine and has discussed her with me. He has experience with NPD after dating two women with NPD (Yes, women do have NPD…though less often than men). He said that she was obviously sick. He knows that, and her entire family knows it.
He suggested that I try to get to a point where the mere thought of her repulses me. Frankly, I think that’s the best advice I have gotten. But I realize that this is just a part of the healing process, because ultimately I need to have no emotion. And being repulsed by her is still emotion — and it empowers her even though she doesn’t know it.
So I’ll give myself the luxury of being repulsed for a while…but I will ultimately just decide to move on completely.
I have no doubt that she is already with someone else, though I suspect that it’s not going to be as easy as she thought. I’ve recently learned that many men in her circle of friends are aware that she is narcissistic and is only looking to be taken care of by a man who can provide her with a lifestyle that she cherishes — adoration, freedom to do what she wants, no need to work, and able to spend 45 minutes in front of the mirror each morning and night.
Most single men hate the idea of taking a gold digger into their life. Many are distrusting of women because they have been burned before. To use a common phrase, “The word is out.” But I know that this won’t stop her from finding her next victim because that’s what she’s good at.
She once told me that I am the 12 relationship she has been in. And she used that high number to support her contention that she is good at relationships because she has had a lot of experience. I, on the other hand, have had few relationship. So, according to her, I have no experience and therefore don’t understand that all of my complaints about her are MY issues and not hers. She constantly suggested that I seek counseling to deal with my issues.
I could go on and on, but I won’t.
The bottom line is that I understand the disorder now and must put things in perspective. I must accept the fact that the person I fell in love with never really existed. It’s like falling in love with an actress because she played a character that had everything I wanted in a woman. But the character is fictional; the actress is real.
No more actresses in my life. Never again.
To Santeeman 71 do yo mean I need help as the victim or does my NPD need help? I have been going to a therapist for 4 years and he does not want me to see my boyfiend again. He said, “So, you know this relationship is not good and you are going to end it?” It is hard to end something when you had such good times, too, like going on trips together, sharing special moments and being in love together. But I think I need help with trying to move on because he does not care the way I want him to care. That he may never care because he is not capable. I can relate to Moving On and his problem with his beatiful girlfriend. My boyfriend had beautiful blue eyes, a handsome face and an nice body. I loved being with him sometimes and the intimate moments were wonderful. However, there is the dark side and the dark side is the long silent tratment when you just ask for something like commitment, or just to help you out with finances when I have given him so much. He has contributed, too and he sometimes knows he is wrong and will tell me, “Why is such a nice girl like you with someone like me?” He has a revelation for a minute and then it goes back to me asserting myself and he leaving me for 3 weeks. LIke Moving on it is sad, it is grieving and it hard to leave and let go of someone you were in love with. My NPD promised we would live together in 2 years and do therapy together since he is a therapist and I am a social worker. But I got angry when he would not make even a commitment to get off the dating cites and said, “How can you be a couples therapist when you can’t even commit to me? What kind of therapist are you and you call yourself a therapist?”
This article and writings of other peoples experiences really helps and now I see him like he is and it is not my fault. I blamed myself thinking I was needy, and not lovable. Now I know I was and I cannot change someone who does not want to change
I think evem more than my therapist who does not label people narcissists but just says that my boyfriend needs a great deal of work and he only wanted casual with me when I wanted more. I wanted a commitment and I may never get one. He broke my heart but I will get over it because I love myself more than trying to lower myself for revenge. I told him on a text that I am not his mother who gave him the silent tratment, all I wanted was is to be with him. I told him I loved him because I know he is a hurt, boy, but I cannot always worry about hurt little boys because I am older, and I need care.
I hope my writings help others, too, we all need help with these kind of people because we fell in love with the good side of them and it is hard to give up that.
Why would a cheating narc. leave you on your Birthday after 11 years of marriage –
I supported him thoughout his prison sentence for “rape?” on his ex-wife.
I’m currently separated from my narcissistic husband. In the beginning he was quite the charmer! He convinced me to have a baby and as soon as I got pregnant he started treating me like dirt! I took care of him during his time in prison. Once released I made sure he had new clothes, car, etc. only to fine out he was wining and dining other women, and looking good for other women. He stopped being affectionate with me . He degraded me in the worst way. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.. I’m glad I read this … At least I have some insight about what has happened to me so I can pick up the pieces of my life!
To Finally Moving On,
You said something that struck me and I need a sanity check…you had asked her to take responsibility and all she could say was that she could have handled you better. I had a similar conversation with my ex-N but the scenario was that he told me to leave after I asked him to stop namecalling and mocking me. He refused and said I was playing games and to leave if I didn’t like it. I said I didn’t want to go because we had just gotten married and I was 2 months pregnant. He then said, “just go, i’m tired of this.” I left, very shook up and he never allowed me to return and then told everyone that I had abandoned him. I tried desperately to get back together with him. We finally did go to therapy together and he mocked the therapist to his face and stormed out when the therapist tried to call him out on his cruelty. To this day, he says the problem is that I would not take 50/50 ownership in leaving. I would always say, “I thought I was doing what you wanted so I’m not sure why I am wrong. I can say I take 50 percent but I need to know what to do differently next time in order to truly take ownership. Do I just ignore it when you say something like that?” This angers him and he says I’m blaming him. what do you think? Am I the narcissist here? I’ve NEVER bullied this man, ever. He constantly bullied me and my young son and then blamed us for it. I was only asking for respect and I didn’t want my son growing up in a home like that. Would love your take on this…or anyone who would like to comment. Thanks.
REMEMBER YOU CAN NEVER GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER FROM THEM. THEY ARE SICK, AND YOU HAVE TO FIND YOURSELF AND HOW YOU GOT TRAPPED WITH THIS TYPE OF PERSONALITY NP..WHY
PERFECTLY SAID. BEST REVENGE IS BEING HAPPY, AND IGNORE HIM, AND DO NOT GIVE INTO HIM, THERE’S ONLY TWO THINGS THEY CAN DO IS EITHER GET YOU FOR THERE GOOD BEHAVIOR OR GET YOU BACK INTO THE GAME OF MADNESS.HE’S A PROFESSIONAL AT THIS AND A GAS LIGHTER…SURROUND YOURSELF WITH HEALTHY PEOPLE, GET HELP BUT, DON’T GIVE IN.
This article is spot on. This is exactly what I needed right now. I’ve been NC for 15 months but still hurting.
I have just read your article but unfortunately to late
I tried the revenge game and as you said have been left looking like the crazy one
So I can confirm your advice is spot on
Good livening is the only revenge for theses people
I told my ex that he is not the same man I used to love before. The man I used to know was a one of a kind gem. Too bad he is dead now. I told him that he, on the other hand, is just a mere ordinary guy who is vain and hold no weight or attractions whatsoever to me. He is just like any passing stranger in the street that I couldn’t care about.
That got him seething to no end.
Thank you thank you thank you! I read your website every day and depending on how I am feeling decide what articles to read. It has been 10 weeks that I left him and sadly I cannot do NC because we are selling a house together. My one piece of advice is do not rise to any of their comments – hurtful or otherwise. Keep focused on yourself and if they tell you they’ve met someone new don’t be a stalker and hunt them down just say “good luck, glad you’re happy” or just ignore. They want a reaction all the time. It’s like oxygen to them. Have faith in your future and know that you will be ok! More than ok. They are stuck in the same patterns and will never change. They don’t change, please believe me when I say that. It’s all a weird game that you will never understand so don’t attempt to play it. Mine is a weird combo of co-dependent narcissist. Would love you to write about that soon Savannah! Much love x
After 5 years of gut wrenching pain & depression I have finally moved forward. I did it by having an affair with him for the last 9 months. I paid close attention to his actions and to what he said about his current girlfriend. He put her on a pedestal and actually had the balls to say he’d never cheat on her, even though that’s exactly what he was doing with me. I don’t recommend doing what I did. But I knew it would be a process & I needed to go through it. Instead of feeling envious of the girlfriend I feel sorry for her. And I don’t feel any love (or what I thought was love) for this man. My stomach isn’t in knots, I can sleep and I can see myself happy. I know who he is, the damage he can cause and that he has no conscience. So I left him a voice mail at 5am saying I couldn’t do it anymore and blocked his number. He can’t get ahold of me and i know it’s driving him crazy. I got the last word, ever!!
Question? He has a NEW supply but when he broke things off he said he was TORN and He has never felt this way about 2 women. It has been NC for 2 months. He just sent me a beautiful email for my birthday. Telling me he is still here for me if I want to talk and that I’m special and that I had a positive influence on his life etc. DOES THIS MEAN HIS “NEW” SUPPLY IS OVER? or DOES THIS MEAN HE IS SO FILLED UP AND HAPPY ABOUT THIS “NEW” SUPPLY THAT HE IS TRYING TO MAKE PEACE WITH ME? Im confused. I did not reply.
Butterfly: The general pattern I see is that they wait for a period of time – just long enough so that you will forget about the horrendous way he treated you and just the right amount of time so that you actually start to miss him – and then he will make contact again. Never forget that a Narcissist likes/needs options – he is testing the waters with you to see if you’re still available to him – if he should have a need for you somewhere down the road. Don’t be fooled by pretty words.
To every one who ever comes into contact with a person with this disorder… the best thing to do is to study this .. Study your enemy , the knowledge of this disorders traits and hurt manipulation, abuse will give you the best tool to get through ..
The best thing is to avoid contact to protect yourself .. know the traits and techniques of him / her you will Survive with this survival kit you create..
I have case with narcistic mother. In few days i will be turning 30, and now im expecting my 1st child. She sees me as if i wouldnt be pregnant, and my whole life i have been a victim of physical and emotional abuse-believing it is my own fault! I moved away from her and she still keeps calling and bothering me. She thinks i moved because i had to cook meals two times instead of her cos of course she will not think that she way maybe upseting me and stressing me during pregnancy and threatning me with her own death. There is no compassion, only selfishness and i had it, for the first time in my life instead of pushing it down n me i started to express my feelings to one part of family-and thx God they understand me, cos they know her. I experience such rage and hatefullness for what ever she still is trying to do to me and for 1st time in my life i cannot stand her any more, i wish this nightmare would end. I dont even feel guilty any,more for those feelings, cos no being deserves to be treated like that. I told her that i know she doesnt love me, and that put her in such rage, but after she is playing the pretending game of nothng happened and everything is ok. For me it is not and i feel it inside of me this time to go till end. I really dont care anymore if i flip out n public on her. I always have tried to satisfy the expectations by being a GOOD child-i couldnt, cos there was nothing good enough for her. I got tired and disapointed to wait for my mommy and now i do want to make her suffer! The only bad thing i see is that it is all comming out now that i am few weeks before labour. But i do need to let it out to say it to her that it is her fault and i dont wanna have to do anything with her. She was always the reason why i kept leaving home and going abroad-just to feel some freedom from her. Coming back and hoping she had change. The worst feeling is when you see mothers and daughthers getting along and being friends, and your own mother cannot show love to an only child-at least now i started to blame myself for everything…
Unbelievable how accurate this article portrays my NPD daughter and the depth of emotions I feel.
Trouble is as a mother how do you walk away?? She has left me and I feel heartbroken.
We also have a 4 yr old and he left me when I was 3 months pregnant for his “new target” I wish more than anything that I could just walk away, change my number and never see him again but with two children how can I? I already moved out and I pick up/ drop off my daughter at his grandparents so not really seeing him has helped. Still finding or hard to move on.
I tried revenge and it worked to my benefit because that is how I learned about narcissism. However, looking back, I would not recommend revenge because it does nothing to change the narcissist. NOTHING – Narcissists slander their victims from day one, alas, anything done in revenge, whether you actually perform revenge or not, will be blamed on you. My narcissist was arrested and placed in jail. That was enough to make me feel safe. He slandered me from day one, alas, even if I had not sicked the FBI onto him, he would have found another reason to tag me as “crazy” Be aware – any man who tags anyone else as crazy, is indeed crazy himself. Unless you can get him arrested, do nothing except never talk to him or communicate with him again. GET out and get away fast, because narcissists are con men; they are predators who will never grow a conscience no matter how much others state you can help them. They do what they do because they can, and are very aware of every action they perform. If a narcissist denies something, yet their actions illustrate something different, close the door on him and never again let him enter your life. The troll will never stop until he feels it’s his time to move on. Revenge only works if he lands in jail permanently. Otherwise, it’s a waste of time and your energy. Their favorite phrase is “see what I have been going through with her” … poor me. EWW!!
The best revenge is simply remaining NC and moving on with your life.
For the N, any attention is “supply”, so ignoring the N is the best revenge. That and living your life to the fullest without him or her.
Re “revenge”… I was just looking at my youtube video channel. I had taken a video which features N, participating in an adventurous sport that we were into together. My videos get lots of compliments and family/friends check them out, but I noticed the one starring the N has many times more views than the other videos on my “channel.” N has not been in contact with me for a couple of months now. He dropped off the face of the earth and confirmed my suspicions about his pathological narcissism. Suffice it to say that I am pretty certain that N has the video on his facebook and he’s probably also sending it to all his online dating prospects. How else would it have so many views in contrast to the others?
I supposed if I really cared enough to exact revenge on N, I’d remove the video from youtube and deny him his supply. But honestly, I really don’t give enough of a &*@# to bother. The fact that
he is cursed to forever be a screwed up narcissist is punishment enough, and again, the best revenge is living well.
As I read this, I feel myself loosing my breath! Your descriptions of a narcissist is exactly how I would describe my ex-husband. In the past, it was difficult for me to put a description of his behavior together. Your description is exactly, I mean exactly, like who and what he does! I also think he has either some bi-polar issues, or ADHD going on too. Our daughter has dyslexia and my ex has it also. I thought maybe that was the reason why he was the way he is? Do you think that these health issues are common in narcissists?
Hi Deb: You usually do find a number of different neuroses along with Narcissism. I think the most common one I’ve seen is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Thank you – just the info I was looking for. I endured this for 11 years of marriage and now 9 years post divorce. I still have to interact with him due to children from the marriage – very challanging. Thank you for the advice on getting even – Always walk away from a schoolyeard bully.
I enjoyed the article and found it very insightful as I was married to a narcissist. If I have one objection to the article it is the gender bias. The writer used “He”, “Him”, “Himself” when referring to the characteristics of a narcissist, as if a women is incapable of exhibiting this inappropriate behavior. I know it is a minor point, but keeping things gender neutral would have been appropriate.
There’s always one, it seems, on every blog, complaining about pronouns.
As for the pronoun thing, I would not refer to narcissists as he’s only. My mother was most certainly a narcissist and I was her scapegoat. Admittedly, my father was a narcissist too, but not as much as my mother.