When you mix Sodium (Na) and water (H2O) together you will get an explosive chemical reaction. The same thing happens when you mix different personality types together with a dash of conflict.
Most people that are recovering from abusive relationships have a lot of triggers. As they travel along their path to recovery there are still parts of them that are tender to the touch. When an emotional manipulator lies or makes an attempt at a character assassination, one can feel like they are being victimized all over again.
This causes an emotional response and you may feel the need to act out, call someone out and make a big deal of the given situation, because you feel that you’ve been silent for so long.
There is a very big difference between a difference of opinion type reaction vs an emotionally reactive response that has hit one of your triggers. In the triggered response your behavior is over-the-top, heated, emotional and not how you normally behave.
These emotional outbursts are just what a manipulator is after. It gives them a great deal of satisfaction to know they can still get you all worked up and your over-the-top behavior gives them the opportunity to show others just how crazy you really are.
It may give you a temporary feeling of empowerment. You may feel like you’re sticking up for yourself. You may even feel justified and be totally in the right, but regardless of the circumstances, anytime you allow someone to make you lose your cool, they win. When you get to that space of yelling, screaming, making a scene or acting crazed, you are not acting in a healthy manner that is beneficial to you. instead you’ve allowed someone to knock you out of your peace of mind and off your path.
I’ve had clients give me tons of examples of, “Well he did this…” or “I’m not going to sit there a be passive. I’m going to do something about it…..” And they try to justify their behavior. Like I said you could be totally in the right – it doesn’t matter. What matters is how you respond and how it makes you feel.
As you get further along the path of health and wellness you realize that none of this petty stuff matters and that nothing is more important than your inner peace.
You don’t need to convince people that you are right. That’s worth repeating YOU DON’T HAVE TO CONVINCE PEOPLE THAT YOU ARE RIGHT. You can be right and have no one agree with you. You don’t need to win people over to your side. It’s enough that you know and that you believe it and you go on your merry way. If people have been told lies about you and think poorly of you, you can set the record straight if the opportunity arises, but don’t go looking for it. Let them think whatever they want – if they believe petty gossip about you or they’re on Team Narcissist – they’re not your people, so, who cares what they think.
I had a client that was fighting with their neighbor over some weeds. It got so heated that she called the Police and this wasn’t the first time. The Police don’t want to be called over a disagreement about weeds – they’re going to think you’re nuts and when you really need them they might be less inclined to rush on over.
When you change your behavior and you stop feeding the other person your emotions, they stop trying to push your buttons. When there’s no pay off they stop expending their energy. When you give them no reaction, they move on to whomever is going to give them what they’re seeking.
Remove yourself from those who know your triggers and purposely activate them. Don’t jump to the bait. When you learn how to control your emotions and your behavior, you become a very powerful person. Instead of giving off the explosive reaction, add something else to the mix – add your new mantra of “I Don’t Care.” Just like when you add another element like Chlorine to Sodium it becomes NaCl – table salt. That mixed with water gives no reaction at all.
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Being ABUSED gave me issues and doesn’t help that i’m bipolar
36 years clean . First 10 years never missed a day of AA or counseling. I learned to control my emotiond even better my life. I read a article having a disagreement with a narcissist at that time, I didn’t know what was going on up, down jekle, Hyde Then read a article and almost popped myself when I realized EVERYTHING DESCRIBE EVERYTHING that was read told me I’m living with 2years a full blown narcissist and the only person that has been able to cause my emotions to go nuts in 36 years. I quickly grounded myself, educated myself and still a bit in shock but back to normal able to not respond using “I dont care and I’m not interested in a calming almost sick voice that holds him back until the rental housing situation opens up. Other words I’m stuck till I can move. You all are right , I refuse to let him take me where I dont ever want to be 36 years ago.
I like being nice, kind with tons of empathy, compassion and forgiveness. I have even forgiven him. He dont get it and I dont care. He even has tried to rise me with PORN ON 6 TVs 32″ to 65” sound coming from all angles of the house geeeez with PORN for everyone. This is daily night cap whenever he see me coming home. Very entertaining. NOT! What goes around comes around as long as I keep my karma clean KARMA WILL SOMEDAY VISIT HIM… .thank you,
This is all so true, and unfortunately family and those closest to us are the people who know what buttons to push. I have so often thought “I have to stand up for myself here” or “I will make her understand” etc….but over reacting only gives them another reason to call me a mad person or unhinged or angry or just plain unwell. When I react in a volatile fashion, despite being in the right as you said, I always end up feeling worse and I know I’m a source of pity and amusement to those that manipulate me.
For me, I cannot yet be in the presence of these people and have the “I don’t care” attitude. I am still too hurt and the hurt is too raw and close to the surface. Distance and maintaining my boundaries has been the only way to achieve peace in my mind. It can be very lonely at times and sometimes I wonder was it worth it, but I am not going back to a place of abuse, hurt, manipulation and conditional acceptance. it almost had me destroyed and I am only now learning that I deserve better and I am worth much more than what I have been believing all along. I was a victim, and I know that maintaining safe distances from manipulators and abuse is the only way forward for me. I have tried minimal contact, people pleasing….tried when I thought I was strong enough or when I thought I really didn’t care, but I DO CARE… that is ME. I am not going to change my personality for cruel abusive people, so I will CHOOSE to not have them in my life.
Thank you Savannah. I absolutely love your posts. I find them invaluable.xxx
amazing I was nodding throughout. thank you so clear, so true.
Laughing aside, it’s not a joking matter. This is your life, this is your life these parasites are eating up and upsetting and one day they will leave you! They will turn it all around and behave as the victim as they punish you, while leaving you in the shit!
Read and ‘re Read this article!
I’ve read similar advice before, all of it good. I’m grateful for the opportunity to actually apply it now. I’m finally “getting” some of this in my comprehension. Thank you so much!
Very accurate about choosing to respond rather than reacting. I’m still hyper reactive despite knowing better and thinking better. Then comes the guilt and shame for behaving badly. There are certain people in my life that I just can’t seem to override my emotional reaction even after years of journaling and therapy. Going no contact was the only way for me to regain my sense of self and have peace. If I try to step out of that with toxic people the drama starts over and I change back into an addict, thinking and stewing about them and what I could have done different or better to avoid the conflict. Believing that the answer is learning or choosing to respond makes me feel that I’ve failed one more time and they have won because I lost my cool. Distance is the one thing that has allowed me to regain my grounded ness. I see a parallel to being addicted to a substance. Abstinence is the only path to recovery, And having that belief supports me on my journey, otherwise I feel like I’m not trying hard enough to make things work.
I enjoy your writing and your topics so much. They are part of the supportive reading I look forward to regularly. Thank you.
Did you write this for me?!:-) always great information, Savannah.
Thank you
Hahaha, NO, she wrote it for me!