A lot of people drift in and out of relationships without any preexisting expectations. Our expectations are our standards and when our standards are low, or we set the bar knee high, then any Tom, Dick or Narcissist can waltz on over and create all kinds of emotional havoc in our lives.
In the biographies of many of the most successful people in the world, most of them talk about their humble beginnings. Some were homeless, or living in their cars and were living way below what they were capable of. It wasn’t until they flipped a switch, or they just said enough, that their lives began to change. What they say that changed for them, was that they began to expect more from themselves and more from others.
Having standards means not settling for less – from yourself or from anyone else. It means setting the bar high and having preexisting expectations right out of the gate. When you have preexisting expectations it’s a lot easier to spot a Narcissist, or someone that means to do you harm early on, before you get emotionally attached.
Narcissists and other dysfunctional types seem to have an innate ability to erode the expectations of their partners. Sometimes it’s blatant and obvious, but often it’s slow and subtle, so much so, that we don’t realize that it’s even happening.
Whether or not this erosion happens, is based on our reactions to our partner’s bad behavior. If we are the type that takes responsibility for other people, makes excuses, rationalizes, or minimizes, then you are sending a message to your partner, that you are accepting of poor treatment. When bad behavior goes unchecked, I can guarantee you that it is going to happen again and again.
It’s a man’s prerogative to behave badly. There is nothing anyone can do to change that. But it’s your responsibility to make the choice of whether or not you will put up with it. This is an important component to your own mental health, because if you allow someone to mistreat you, then the price you pay is always your self-esteem.
The difficulty in new relationships is that during the get to know you phase most men are on their best behavior. It’s not until a Narcissist knows he’s got you, that he’s going to pull the old bait and switch. It’s your job to recognize poor treatment and react – no matter what stage of the relationship you’re in. Like I said if you let it go unchecked it will continue and even get worse. So when you are faced with disrespect you must react. I’m not talking about a screaming match, or some big drama. I’m talking about calming stating this behavior is unacceptable and I’m going to leave.
If it happens once, maybe even twice fine, men are always testing boundaries, but if you’re on your tenth chance, you’ve got to recognize that this situation is dysfunctional and you have to extricate yourself from the relationship.
You have to look at your situation logically and without emotion. If someone is treating you badly and you voice your displeasure, what’s the worst thing that can happen? You will gage all you need to know by their reaction to your reaction:
- If they get even more mad at you, or even blame you – leave.
- If they break up with you for speaking up for yourself – I’d say you dodged a bullet. You don’t want anyone that isn’t interested in how you’re feeling or your boundaries.
- If they say they’re sorry, but continue to do it again and again – leave.
The only reaction that you can accept is an apology, followed by not doing it again. Period.
A big part of this problem is that women with low self-esteem generally have a hard time speaking up for themselves. They’re avoiders and will do whatever they can to avoid confrontation. For a Narcissist this is the perfect target.
Low self-esteem and low standards generally go hand in hand. People that have a healthy self-esteem and a high level of confidence take care of themselves and when they find themselves in a relationship that has become unhealthy, they just end it. They don’t sit around pining about it or second guessing themselves.
I work in a male dominated industry and most of my colleagues are men, that have a tremendous amount of confidence. They’re driven, take good care of themselves and have high self-esteem. I hear them on a daily basis talking about their relationships and I’m amazed at the ease at which they can just end a relationship when a girl starts to act ‘psycho’. They all have high standards and if a girl they are dating starts to show signs of being dysfunctional, they are not living in uncertaintyville or dispairville, they jump on the next train and start looking again immediately. They don’t internalize the problems of others. They look at the situation without emotion and logically come to the conclusion that this isn’t for them and they’re done just like that, with no drama, no flare and no afterthought.
When you don’t expect much and you settle for less – that’s exactly what you’ll get. Great results come from great expectations. When are you going to raise yours? When is enough, enough? Only you know when you’ve reached your limit. But remember it’s your choice – it always was.
Don’t be afraid to set the bar high. You may find that you don’t have as many dates, but the ones that are willing to attempt the jump are usually the ones that are worth it.
I bargained with Life for a penny,
And Life would pay no more,
However I begged at evening
When I counted my scanty store;
For Life is a just employer,
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why, you must bear the task.
I worked for a menial’s hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had asked of Life,
Life would have paid. – Jessie Belle Rittenhouse
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Oh thank you so much. I have been torturing my friends so much about the relationship I have been in for the last two years. I have always been a bit of a committment phobe and fell in love almost at first sight with a many November two years ago.
He was always late, not just half an hour but sometimes 5 or not show up, and not answer his phone or texts. When he finally talk, I tell him that was totally not acceptable behaviour, he tells me I am not his mother and that I am a control freak. He isn’t off with other women, that is my deal breaker a cheater. He is at the pub or drinking at a friends place. He drinks way too much, and considering that was always a deal breaker before it isn’t now?
I love him he loves me, when we are togther it is amazing we talk for hours and laugh. However if I get upset about anything I consider disrespectful, is late and didn’t call, he lies about something, he calls me a psycho and won’t talk to me for days, I always do the chasing, I have to fix it. He has even hit, me another deal breaker, and held me against the wall by my throat. Why am I putting up with this because I love him? I have never let anyone treat me like this, I have been single many times and enjoyed it. I thought I had met the man of my dreams becaue he had that one moral trait I hold high and true, not a cheater, I am the one and only woman for him. Friends and family alike tell me he isn’t good enough for you, he doesn’t treat you right he doesn’t respect you. I know this, why can’t I leave?
As the saying goes “What you put up with, you end up with.”
I think the greatest challenge I have found for myself after barely surviving a few N relationships does not feel as if it’s about self-esteem (though I could be kidding myself) but more about believing that I am more than capable of absorbing, understanding, accepting and accommodating what is ultimately disrespectful, hurtful and selfish behavior because I felt empathy for the person who I thought was behaving that way out of their deeper, underlying pain and fear. The problem is almost as if I have far too much confidence in my own ability to “heal” which has been reinforced by the reaction/feedback/response from the N – they hang in there longer because they do feel ‘understood, accepted, etc” and one’s importance to them is also based upon that extreme empathy and capacity for acceptance. Of course the result is the same…. Everyone has a limit and over time when the behaviors don’t change and deeper understanding never comes then regardless of whether you “over gave” as a result of low self-esteem or a high capacity for empathy/acceptance/understanding from a place of strong self-esteem the result is the same- emotional pain and confusion. But perhaps this is just two sides of the same coin…. Setting of appropriate boundaries – and learning the signs of a person with a lifelong emotional disorder that can cause havoc regardless of what you do earlier enough on to save yourself from possible permanent damage.
Rojabella: I’ve written about that a little in a few blogs, where I felt that if someone had to be put out it was better that it was me and how I always had to sacrifice and take the high road because it was easier for me. When you strip this right down, it is a self-worth issue, mainly because your brain automatically goes to – it’s ok to hurt me, put me out… because I’m used to it – I can take it. Healthy people expect to be treated with respect and they don’t involve themselves with people that think that everything is always about them.
Ah, once again, succinctly and well said. Can I adopt you and have you move in so you are immediately available to bitch slap me when I wander off the path…? Thanks.
Haha rojabella I’m always just an email away.
MDS I don’t know if I am going through exactly the same but I understand how it feels to be afraid of upsetting him. I too had very high morals and expectations I was married with a 5 year old. My husband and I were working on our marriage and were trying to reconnect when my N walked into my life. He convinced me that my husband was mentally abusing me and destroying my self-esteem and that for my daughter’s sake I needed to leave him so that I could set a better example for her. He offered to put me up in an apartment and pay the rent for me and he would make sure I was taken care of. Before long he was telling me that he couldn’t help it but that he was falling in love with me. He convinced me that he was sent as an answer to a prayer and that God puts people in your path to help you and that he was that person. I divorced my husband and he actually asked my father for my hand in marriage. He was of the same faith as me so I felt like this was all ok. He made me feel more loved than I had ever felt before in my life. And then it began… He would lecture me over anything and wear me down if I tired to voice an opinion. I had left my husband I didn’t have anywhere to go I had to make it work so I began to just live by the saying “it’s better to be at peace that to be right” 8 years later he has had countless affairs and has cause more emotional damage to me than I ever thought imaginable and I would have to start my own website to detail the abuse he put me through and how many attempts I made to get out. I walked on eggshells for 8 years I did whatever it took to keep him happy. Anything!!! I allowed affairs I allowed him to destroy family connections. I couldn’t let go. He left me again for a repeat affair and I should be happy but I know how he works and he will let me start to rebuild my self-esteem and start to feel strong and just before I am strong enough to resist he will walk back into my life and promise me the world and tell me that he went out there to prove to himself that no one compares to me. I shouldn’t want this anymore. He is a grandfather now and he promised to start a family with me something he always told me he never wanted at his age. He would overwhelm me with gifts and trips and handwritten romantic personal cards that he would cry while reading to me. He would show up and my daughters pre-school with stuffed animals for her and charm his way into her classroom at naptime and give it to her. He never ever takes no for an answer unless he has a bigger plan. He has spent days wearing me down until I agree and do as he pleases. I have tried no contact he hunts me down at work or at my daughters school or a store or where ever he finds me. I got a restraining order and he convinced me to remove it. I am so weak.
dcban:
There seems to be a lot of confusion over my ‘psycho’ comment. What I meant by that is that there are a lot of unhealthy women out there too, that do act in a very dysfunctional manner. These men I am referring to with high self-esteem are fully in their relationships, but when faced with a woman who is obviously unhealthy, based on repeated inappropriate behavior, make the decision to end it – it’s not one instance – and that is the point I try to make to all women who chose to ignore the red flags early on in their relationships. If you look at your situation objectively. I think your bf acted inappropriately. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to question why he would go out dancing with another woman – married or not.
You said you noticed him starting to pull away before this happened and that hot and cold behavior is indicative of someone who at the very least is emotionally unavailable. I’ve said before that Narcissists like the chase. They want you to want them and then once they seem to get your emotional attachment then they start watering down your expectations and blowing cold.
N’s don’t take responsibility for anything so you even questioning his behavior is his way of rationalizing what he’s done. These guys with high self-esteem I spoke of don’t need to ridicule, criticize or beat down on someone else’s self-esteem. That’s what Narcs do. When you feel good about yourself you don’t need to make other people feel bad to feel good.
If he’s true to form you probably haven’t heard the last of him. A Narc is always on the hunt for Narcissistic Supply, so if there comes a time when he’s running low expect some form of contact. Be careful.
Thank you, Savannah. I have no doubt that I will hear from him, he has already sent me a very sweet email stating how he would really, REALLY like to be friends.
I have spent the day reading your articles here and am amazed at how he fits the stereotype of the Narcissist. I see myself, him, and our relationship in every article.
I am over 50, he is not my first Narcissist. I fall into the “same guy, different face” group. Early on some of his behaviour reminded me of my ex-husband, also a Narcissist. Once he started criticizing me he reminded me of my mother. Lots of familiar territory here.
He broke up with me 4 days ago, but I am in a relatively good place now. It took me 5 years to clue into my ex-husband and another 5 years to get back on my feet after the divorce. It took only 11 weeks for this relationship to end, and 4 days for me to find my resolve. I am going to look at that as progress.
I am not sure how I am going to handle it when he does contact me and I know he will. But I do know that I am going to stop dating for a year and focus on myself. I realize that I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like.
I have found this website really helpful, thank you for putting this together.
This is confusing to me. I was with a man who recently broke up with me, out of the blue, after a day of lovemaking, cuddling, cooking and having a good time together. He ditched me without a second thought, because as he said, there was something he didn’t like about me, but he refused to tell me what that was. His beaviour early in the relationship fits the description of the Narcissist perfectly. He swept me away with his words, his actions, his constant attentiveness. Within a week he announced that he wanted to make our relationship “even better” by dating steady and exclusively, i.e. I was the girl for him. We talked, texted and emailed daily, when we weren’t together. For me this became the “normal” of our relationship. There were some signs that he did not respect my wishes, I should have paid attention, but he just seemed so perfect in every other way. Then he started not being as available, deviated from the established pattern of constant contact. One day he went out to dance with an “old friend” a married woman who had come to his house late one evening and invited him out to dance. He was “unavailable” that day, very unlike the way he was before. I didn’t throw a jealous fit, but did mention that I was really uncomfortable with a married woman visiting single guy who is in committed relationship and going out dancing with her. No tantrum, no screaming, just a comment that I found it odd and was uncomfortable with it.
I suspect that in his mind, I turned “psycho” that day. He broke up with me several weeks later, after a period of ridiculing, criticizing and generally tearing me down. Narcissist or man with high self esteem?
I came out of this relationship doubting my own sanity and reality, having lost considerable faith in who I thought I was.
Reading the above about the men with tremendous self esteem does not help. Perhaps it depends on our perspective. Perhaps to the narcissist a woman with boundaries is psycho.
I had high standards when we first met. After all I had been through all this before. But he not only met but also EXCEEDED my expectations, standards! But as I would eventually find out, just long enough to get me hooked. Once he had me…well,I think you put it perfectly “Narcissists and other dysfunctional types seem to have an innate ability to erode the expectations of their partners.”
To the point where my expectations/standards were so severely eroded that I was begging for basic stuff that you would get from anyone…friends, neighbors etc. And when I would point that out, he would argue that I shouldn’t compare us to other people, everyone is different, if we had a good relationship then I could have those things too, blah, blah, blah. Amazing what I went through. Just amazing.
With me the key is not only to have the high standards, it is also to leave when they stop meeting them, regardless if I am in love. I have transitioned from a compromising, understanding person to the “one and done” approach: if you treat me like crap, no matter the reason, you are gone. Because now I know that you will just do it again.
dcban an CW, I’d like to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for telling your story. My experience mirrored yours and I’m the average “married to him, took his shit for years”, or “he keeps reeling me, I can’t let go!”
My case was similar to yours. We dated for 3 months. I ended up standing up for things I believed. I even went for days not talking to him. I went in with high expectations and he surpassed them too.
But what you said about “Eroding those expectations over time” is MY problem. I feel like I have to stick it out or “I may fuck everything up.” I was unsure when I saw smaller signs of this mentality whether or not I should try to work things out or decide that this was completely unacceptable. I’m always afraid I’ll make the wrong decision and lose or worse, be seen as overly demanding, unreasonable, emotional, making a big deal out of something seemingly little…..it’s like I’m afraid of what might happen next if i am this way with him. I second-guess everything.
I think because deep down, i give into what i was taught. this stupid idea that my feelings are wrong. Feeling anything that challenges people is wrong. And because my entire family would leave the room the moment i cried or was hurt or was angry, I still bare the fear that if I express emotion, people will leave me.
Sorry, I meant to write “I am NOT the typical partner on here who is still tied up with him. In a longterm with him. Can’t get him go etc etc……I was hoping someone was out there that had a story closer to mine. It’s comforting to know there are.
I was in a two year relationship with a man who so fits this. he still emails me every once in a while but we both know there’s no future. Seems like he is so sweet but I know it’s to butter me up cause he wants something . Thanks for the articlrs
I see Savannah’s point. She’s not referring to men who are up and leaving a wife or long-term girlfriend, but rather to men who are in the early stages of relationships and notice red flags. For example, a woman may have a serious lack of common interests (she wants to stay in all weekend, he wants to go hiking or boating) or may be the classic “stage 5 clinger” from the movie Wedding Crashers – i.e. women who are overly needy, jealous, have to know where he is and who he is with at all times, and have forgotten to have their own lives. Savannah’s point is that when these obvious incompatibilities and red flags become apparent, (most) men don’t sit around at lunch with their friends analyzing every word of their girlfriend’s texts. They assess the situation for what it is, and move on. More often than not, women will try to prolong something that should end, either because we often lack sufficient self-esteem and cannot handle conflict.
I liked your article over all, but when you were talking about the males you work with, and admiring what you described as their high self esteem and stated , “I’m amazed at the ease at which they can just end a relationship when a girl starts to act ‘psycho’. They all have high standards and if a girl they are dating starts to show signs of being dysfunctional, they are not living in uncertaintyville or dispairville, they jump on the next train and start looking again immediately. They don’t internalize the problems of others. They look at the situation without emotion and logically come to the conclusion that this isn’t for them and they’re done just like that, with no drama, no flare and no afterthought”, it sounded to me like you were describing narcissists to me. Leaving someone abruptly, moving on to the next one as fast as possible, feeling no remorse or empathy for just deciding to leave her, is exactly the behavior most of us suffered in the narcissists infamous D&D method, and that behavior is not to be admired or copied. I think if men are in a relationship with a woman, and it is exclusive, the woman deserves a conversation about what his needs are or what it is he is feeling isnt working before he just dumps her like a material object that he wants to relplace with a better model.
High self esteem is important and having boundaries is a must. I agree with you on that But I hope you do not truly admire such cold and unfeeling dumping of women by men.
The point I was making Lisa is that in the initial stages of a relationship if something doesn’t feel right and the person you’ve hooked up with is acting in ways that appear dysfunctional, people with high self-esteem and high confidence don’t stick around and try to force things. They see things as they are, not as they wish them to be and they don’t emotionally invest in a relationship that seems off from the get go and they aren’t afraid to walk away when they realize that this relationship won’t suit their needs. When you have low self-esteem there is an internal misconception that you’re deserving of bad treatment or at least used to it and that you have to put up with it. So my point was that if you have high confidence you know that there are other people out there to date and they don’t get hung up on someone when it doesn’t work out. These men I spoke of are not Narcissist by any stretch, as I mentioned they have healthy self-esteem and high confidence – there is a big difference between the two. I didn’t suggest that they cruelly dump women but that they don’t sit around and second guess themselves afterwards.