My relationship with my long-term Narcissist was awful. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, while he was allowed to frolic around, without a care in the world. Our friends used to joke about how selfish he was. It was so obvious to everyone that everything was always all about him and when he acted like a selfish bastard they would literally laugh hysterically. I would laugh too, because it was such a bizarre way for someone to behave. But there I was the long suffering spouse, taking it, with no thought of ever walking away.
His behavior was appalling, but mine was inexplicable. Sure, I was codependent, but there had to be a better reason for why I felt so powerless and why I was so devastated by the thought of him leaving.
Obviously, the biggest reason I put up with it, is because I felt like I didn’t deserve any better. His behavior fit in nicely with the programming I’d received as a child – I am flawed and unworthy of love and he sure mirrored those beliefs. Being in that environment felt normal, in a twisted kind of way.
Another gift of my manipulative Narcissist was his ability to erode my self-esteem. In his attempt to keep me where he wanted me, I kept getting the message that, you can’t do it without me and that no one else will want you. Codependents eat that kind of criticism up like candy.
My Narcissist drained me emotionally. He was the epitome of the emotional vampire. His incessant need for attention and need for approval and reassurance was exhausting. I had nothing left to give anyone else, not even myself.
I also didn’t think I was allowed to leave. In my mind, I remember thinking, “This is just how it is.” I thought it was my lot in life to persevere and make the best of it. I thought I was lucky to have him and that meant that I had to sacrifice, while he got to indulge.
In fact, it never occurred to me to leave. After it was all said and done, a friend of mine said, “If you would have had someone infatuated with you and kept whispering in your ear to leave, you would have left too.” I thought about what she’d said and the truth is, I don’t think I would have. My brain just didn’t work that way. I called it loyalty, but I think it had a different, more sinister name – dependency.
His neurosis fit perfectly with my neurosis. That was my dependency. His need to be irresponsible and be taken care of filled my need to be in control and to nurture. If I didn’t have him to focus on, who was I going to focus on? Certainly not myself. If he wasn’t my project I’d have to find another and I’d already put so much work into him. On the outside things looked pretty good. We had good jobs, a house and I wasn’t willing to pop the bubble of the fantasy I was living in.
I have described the feeling of being abandoned by him as being catatonic. I was paralyzed with fear and I couldn’t really describe why at the time. It was so much more than just feeling rejected. I was afraid of everything. I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. I didn’t have anywhere to live, no job, no car – everything was gone.
I had never known depression like that existed. I called it – ground zero, because I had lost everything and I there wasn’t any lower I could go. What was the toughest to accept was that he never looked back to see what he left behind. I was just roadkill that he flattened by the side of the road and it was safer for him to not look back.
But I Can’t Leave
The number of individuals that I encounter on a daily basis, that don’t see leaving as an option, is pretty startling. They don’t see a way out. They cannot get past their fear and they feel completely helpless. I hear statements like:
- “He threatened to commit suicide if I leave. I can’t go.”
- “He won’t stop contacting me. What am I supposed to do?”
- “We have kids.”
- “Every time I leave he sucks me back in.”
- “I’m not working, what would I do?”
I’ve heard all of these comments just this week and more. They’re valid reasons, I get it, make no mistake, but they’re still excuses. It’s easier in most cases to do nothing, than to act and as intelligent beings, we can justify just about anything we want to.
You’re More Powerful Than You Think
What intrigues me about the concept of feeling helpless is that it is a barrier that we construct in our own minds. It’s the prison we make for ourselves. It feels real to us, but it’s only a mirage. Perhaps it is part of our early programming to believe that we are still that helpless child with no other option than to endure.
There are a few things that we all must keep in mind when we’re dealing with relationships. Below is a compilation of a few things I learned along the way:
You always have a choice: Your relationship ends when you say it does. It won’t matter how much effort, energy or promises, someone puts in to trying to win you back. If your mind is made up then nothing anyone says or does can change that.
Put things into proper perspective: Things are not always as overwhelming as they appear. Sometimes we can make things so much bigger in our minds than they really are. I find that the right things show up when you need them. If you make the decision and you follow through with it, the universe will conspire and give you what you need – if you need money you will find it, friends – they will appear, opportunities will present themselves – you just have to be in the right frame of mind. I can promise you, that once you are committed to leaving, things will fall into place and I am a living example of that.
Necessity really is the mother of invention: You will very likely find yourself in a difficult situation a time or two on your journey, but what you will find out about yourself is that you will always find a way, if it’s important enough to you. You find one or you make one – these are invaluable skills to learn in life.
Overcome your fear: All you have to do is take a tiny step, then another, then another and before you know it you’ve walked a mile. To overcome a fear of heights individuals are exposed to being elevated to a small distance, once they acclimate to that distance they go a little higher, then a little higher and so on. The same thing goes for fear of being alone – you will acclimate to it. Fear of not having enough money – like I said above – when you are committed to your cause things usually fall into place and you get very good at creating opportunities for yourself. It’s amazing how far a little ingenuity will take you. All you have to do is try.
It’s okay to give up: Just because you made the decision to date someone once doesn’t mean that you are stuck with that decision for the rest of your life. You’re allowed to change your mind. It doesn’t matter how much time you’ve already put into the relationship. If it’s not working – it’s not working and giving it another year isn’t going to change that fact. You have not only the right but the responsibility to walk away from anyone or thing that is harmful to your wellbeing.
Take back your power: Own who you are and start viewing yourself as an important, autonomous being. You are an individual separate from your relationship and you have every right to expect to be treated with kindness and respect by all that you meet. You have a right to have your needs met. You have a right to grow and learn. You have a right to seek happiness. And you also have the right to walk away from anything that tries to keep you from your rights.
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Hey Savannah,
You have a beautiful name. I just want to say thank you for your posts they are so inspiring. I have read so many things about narcissism, and your blogs resonate with me more than anything I have read or heard. I have been trying to release from a relationship of two and a half years with a narc for awhile now. I am currently in the thick of it. It’s been about a month and he contacts me daily and I know he hasn’t changed, as he proclaims. I know I just need to push through and keep moving forward but it’s harder than I ever imagined, especially after what he has done to me mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Please continue to help the survivors of NPD with your blogs and insight. Thank you
Thank you. I cried at this article because I am looking at that road of leaving and it is frightening as hell. I keep thinking at least I know this hell…what kind of hell is over there? The fear of unknowing consumes me.
Thank you for your words. They mean the world to me right now.
Hey Savannah,
Great post. This is very inspirational for anyone stuck in a bad situation. It’s never too late to change things up and start putting yourself first! Once you are happy with yourself, you can be happy with others too 🙂
Thanks for the tips,
Dennis
Dear Savannah
I just wanted to thank you a lot for all your articles. They are so different from anything else I’ve ever read. I had no idea what a narcissist was before I read them and understanding how such a person functions has helped me immensely. My ex-boyfriend’s behaviour matches 100% with your definition, including the aspect of getting bored easily. Although I have ended the relationship I still find myself wishing we could fix things and get back together as if it was possible for him to change completely so I insisted on having a “final talk”. I then heard from him that in the beginning he couldnt spend 3 days without seeing me but after some time he just got bored and sick of being with me! That was the most painful thing I’ve heard in my life. Somehow I knew it but listening him saying that was just too painful. I feel lost and have the feeling that all we lived together was fake. It was always me begging to be together. Now that he addimited it, it was a confirmation of my fears. But at least now I know I would never be able to be with him again without thinking that I am boring him. I am still very upset but I think I needed to hear that to finally give up on believing we still had a chance. And everything you write is so good advice that I find confort in reading and motivation to move on. Thanks for sharing your experience. Your job is unvaluable.
Someone From Brazil: I really want you to understand that he didn’t get bored of you. This isn’t a you problem. You can’t internalize this because his problem isn’t about you – don’t make it. His problem is about him and his constant need for external gratification. What he did with you he will do with others. Sooooo pass this back to him and don’t own any of HIS problems.
Savannah, how do you combat the feeling of doubt that pins you down and holds you there when you see how everyone loves and praises the narc you were involved with? When I see/hear/read this, it makes me feel anxious and doubtful- as if I imagined it all. I feel so insecure that it was me and not him regardless of doing a million play backs in my head and know that I treated him so lovingly. So loving that I depleted myself down to the rim. Breadcrumbs were delicious to me. Yet these people just love him–family friends colleagues..how is this possible? And mind you, I don’t wish at all for others to hate him or for him to have an unhappy life. It’s only that I feel like the outlier. I wonder why he treats me the way he did and no one else. So then I spiral downwards thinking it must have been me. He seems to have it all. I’m just left here trying to sift and sort through the hurt and abandonment and embarrassment. When I see others adore him it takes away from the self love and empowerment I’ve been working on. It even makes me feel like I should accept him back when he comes a callin’…if everyone else likes him. Have you written about this part of the process before?
Dear Savannah sa you know I’m your fan, you’re a such life savior . All you said is true but I went no contact from 3 months now and what I really miss is not him but the life we used to do: traveling , sex and of course a lot of pain ..
It seems to me that those things could not happen anymore in my life. May be I became much more prudent and I ‘m well by myself and my life.. But still.. there ‘s somenthing missing and I’ve the feeling that not acting as codipendent , not pursuing the relationship give to me the impression that men will not pursue me, not at least for a serious story. Is like if I don’t act they’ll not want me
Don’t know if you get what I mean..
@ previous comment.
I used to say about the ex that he meant every word he said until the words hit air. Then they and their meaning evaporated. It’s how NARCS are. They have no remorse. No concept of messing up ppls lives. Kinda like tunnel vision in the moment. Whatever makes them feel good in that one moment.
I had dated a man for two months very successful in the start of a very nasty divorce a lot on money at stake both parties very angry tit for that I told him we needed to slow down and maybe not date until it was over he insisted I was everything he’s been waiting for his whole life so I went along we had an awesome whirlwind romance traveling having fun then he said the next logical step was to move in together well after finding the apartment moving him in getting him settled the first day we moved in he totally changed towards me after 3 weeks he woke up and said we are not going to buffalo to get yout stuff for the apartment and you have two hours to move out needless to say I was devastated when he kept telling me I was his soulmate and we were building a future together I left and he went on our trip without me and of course unfriended me on Facebook it was by far the cruelest thing any man has done to me. He already had all my stuff moved out before I woke up. 2 weeks after the breakup he called to see how I was doing and hoped to talk to me a few days later and he text me to wish me a happy happy birthday have the best day ever keep laughing like we did the following week I sent a text just to make arrangements to get the rest of my stuff from the apartment and storage and he got Nasty he said he was busy it was late it was only 10:30 on a Friday night and he said if I don’t stop he will block me then the next day he tried to video chat with me on Facebook since then I haven’t heard from. Also note that when we became bf/gf he went to his wife and taunted her saying I’m pretter younger etc I feel I was chosen for his agenda to not only for him to seek revenge on his wife but to also help him find a place get that a settled and comfortable for him then my job was over and I was thrown out like a piece of trash that meane nothing. Any comments please
Trish
I have only just read your comment as I have only recently found this inspirational site. What you have described sounds familiar to me. The manipulation, being led to believe there is a future in the relationship, the cruelty of the discard when I was no longer useful or necessary in his life. The intermittent attention from him leading me to think he cares but only to be let down again when he ‘disappears’. I am still struggling to get him out of my head so I can get on with my life, but it is a challenge. You WILL get there. You deserve so much better. He is not worthy of you.
Comments from Lola and agirlnic so true and enlightening. Post narc I achieved a big goal recently involving me spending quite a lot of time on my own. I became clearly aware of the “voices” that speak to me which Savannah has posted about. One was my mother’s and one an ex-friend who is hypercritical. They were talking to me; being critical or wary. The third was me talking to him. I found that puzzling. I even thought that perhaps it showed he was worth respecting for his experience in this field. but the comments here about looking for approval really explain what went on. I’m long past wanting him with me but I found myself explaining my methods and decisions and looking for validation. I worked hard on eliminating the voices and respecting and having confidence in myself and my abilities with advice from impartial trusted experts.
Then I had another dream. I was to go to his place to collect stuff I had left. Even in the dream that was puzzling because I took it the day I finished the “romantic” part of my relationship a long time ago. In the dream I went to a place with many rooms all stuffed with litter and empty paper and boxes. I didn’t need to take any of that and left it there. I realised the worthlessness of anything he could give me.
I’m further on than you agirl but I hope you can stay strong and reject his appalling treatment of you. Those who think he’s a great guy haven’t seen him as you have. There’s a poster on the Esteemology Facebook page that says, “When someone shows their true colours, don’t try to repaint them.” I like that.
Thank you Lola! I appreciate your words and thoughts!
Thank you Savannah and thank you very much for not getting tired of the consistent reiteration you do.. With me and with each post in general. I know it’s “same thing said, different day” but obviously some people need to hear the same thing a dozen times before it sets in. It is a challenge for me to create new neural pathways..not impossible, just a challenge. Im workin’ on it.
Agirlnic–
The covert narc I was involved with was actually not a romantic relationship but what I thought was a 7 yr friendship. Covert narcs are VERY hard to spot b/c they are always needing to be the hero/good guy.
My covert friend lovebombed me for almost 2 yrs, on and off, which included him agreeing with everything I thought, valuing my opinions, wanting to hear my ideas, interested in my work, life, etc. It just goes to show that lovebombing doesn’t need to be romantic to be detrimental.
Yet during that time I came to learn he was lying to me about his real name; not to mention always keeping me on the outs, never wanting me to engage his friends, etc. Obsessively secretive to the point of serious creepiness.
As time went on, and the lies came in, I eventually accused him of playing games w me, wherein he responded, ‘I can’t believe you could think so low of me!’ (Gaslighting anyone?)
I was a wonderful person yet also untrustworthy, according to him. I saw how he only seemed to value shallow people with material things and status, which was 180 from how he presented himself to me.
Now, nothing I said or did was right. He made digs at me constantly, yet would give free passes to the shallow people in his life, make excuses for them, etc. The hypocrisy was astounding.
I went from being wise and witty in his eyes to groveling, pathetic, needy, untrustworthy and boring. Yet all his shallow friends seemed to think what a great guy he was. But here he was sadistically torturing me, and I do believe he had very strong sociopath tendencies.
Like you, I was very giving, loving, etc. towards him, and I never had anyone I went out of my way for this much treat me so coldly and cruelly.
He is a very sick individual and I made the mistake of allowing him to mess with me for so long. The situation really won’t change–it will only worsen, the more they know you. In fact, the nicer I was to him, the less respect he had for me.
The gaslighting he did is too long to detail but he was great at it, ALWAYS turning himself into the victim. To this day I know he has convinced himself that he was the victim all along and that somehow I was responsible for his manipulative shit.
I was trauma bonded to him for sure, and a friendship I thought was so special was actually very textbook narcissist abuse. I was convinced I was unlovable and not good enough for him until I finally felt the pain and really asked myself what was I getting from him? Hurt, disappointment, broken promises.
The healing really began with me b/c I had to ask myself how I managed to let him do this to me? When I learned that and went NC, he slithered away and will forever be a reminder of the importance of self-love.
And how does he got off on my pain? Why?? That’s sadistic..
Agirinic: He gets off on your pain because knowing he can effect you feeds his ego. His entire existence is about feeding that monster inside and they need attention good or bad to validate that they are important and superior.
Thank you Lola. What you said is very true. This is all about me and things I need to address and heal within; this isn’t about him. I allow him back in so I’m allowing this to happen hoping this time will be different. Looking for validation and looking for him to heal the very wounds he inflicted upon me. I read a quote that makes sense to me: “The person who broke you can’t be the one to fix you. Remember that.”
I know this is true but I struggle on letting go and as you said sitting in all my pain and discomfort. It hurts so bad and I want him to be different so that I can prove to myself I wasn’t rejected and so I don’t feel ashsmed that I let this person do this to me (and for so long) Also I simply can’t comprehend how he will look into my eyes and say things or make promises just to a complete 360 after he leaves my side. I can’t relate to this callous and duplicitous behavior. It blows my mind..to the point of me trying to prove its not true. How can a person lie like that? Yes he holds a high power position and life of the party kind of guy- people like him easily. It messes with my mind because I think- if everyone loves him and he has all these promotions and running a company then surely I must be at fault and unlovable. If my personal experience with him was reality then why does everyone else like him. I must be wrong and it must be me…those kind of thoughts I have. but then I think no, you’re so loving and patient and kind to him to the point you don’t stand up for yourself at all because you’re trying to perfect yourself so there is no blame on you and he finally treats you well. I go back and forth.
Clearly, Sav would say – I have a trauma bond with this person.
Sav,
I fell for it. Again. He asked to meet me (he ghosted) after 2 months. I said yes because I wanted to see him face to face and talk with out him using any triangulation games with his phone and/or Fb. Met a restaurant, he tries to act like nothing happened (every single time) and if I bring IT up then he gets very quiet and uncomfortable. He said he didn’t want to talk about it in a public place because people are looking at us (they were not) so I suggested we go outside and talk and asked him if we could have just one genuine talk before he leaves and he said yes. we go outside and I start up convo again and he gets squirrelly and says he doesn’t want to talk about it and he doesn’t know what to say and he doesn’t have answers that I’m looking for. he doesn’t deny anything either i.e., cheating, lies, ghosting etc. he just stares at me with deer in headlight look and occasionally mutters stuff like “I’m just listening, I’m just processing what you’re saying, ok I’m sorry, I don’t have a answer for you but you keep trying to dig, I don’t know why, etc etc..It literally blows my mind. I can’t understand why he doesn’t just say something with some substance. I over talk because 1 I’m nervous and 2 he’s not talking hardly and 3 I have questions. I ask him so nicely to please help me understand to the point I prob have doe-y eyes looking at him. he says lets go talk at your place. I know, I know.. well we go to my house and again I bring it up and again he deflects and I over talk and I end up confessing my heart to him and serving it to him in a gold platter with whip cream and cherries on top! I mean it’s quite pathetic of me. and he does say a few charming things here and there (breadcrumbs) and I eat them up all while knowing this isn’t right. long story short, we slept together. he left and hasn’t talked to me since. I’ve sent him a few texts and he ignores them. before he left he said he wanted to see eachother again and he would put in the effort.
I seriously have a problem. obviously. I only do good for awhile, I get strength under my belt and he comes back around and even with the best intentions and plan, I fail. I feel so badly about myself again. I know I need to forgive myself but it’s so hard. I know better but I can’t stop. what is the matter with me? I’ve read all your posts 5x each. I know better! what do I do Sav?? I just can’t wrap my head around how this man could lie to my eyes and be so very heartless. I can’t grip that truth. how could he? (FYI he has many friends that live him and he has an amazing career which these things screw with my head because he’s so successful and has many friends how can he also be so cruel to me??) I’ve never done anything unkind to him ever. not once. I’ve only been his friend, lover and loved him. Tell me Sav where to go from here?? what’s my next best move? I’m so stuck; I’m shell shocked. help??
Agirl-
You keep going back because you’re hoping that the next time will be different.
I recently watched a video about not seeking approval from your betrayal source. In the video, the woman said that the reasons we keep returning to the betrayal source is because we’re not comfortable with feeling the pain of what the situation really is. So, we keep going back hoping the betrayal source will heal it, which of course, never happens.
We need to sit with that pain and feel it. You’ll never heal otherwise.
One of the many detrimental things I did with my narcs was trying to see the good in them when there was no good. They were both pathological liars and users who got off on my pain.
Meanwhile they would fill me with pretty words to keep me hanging, while their actions revealed cruelty and disregard.
This guy clearly doesn’t care about you and wants everything on his terms. He’ll go to bed with you but then doesn’t bother to text. This says a lot about what he really thinks of you: that he does not care.
He will continue doing this to you until you decide to put a stop to it.
And the fact that you bring up his ‘successful’ life indicates to me you might have him on some kind of pedestal without realizing, thus tying your own validation to him. I.e. ‘Why doesn’t this great, successful guy want me?’
What matters is how he treats you. And from everything you said, he clearly isn’t good for you, so you have to decide to put an end to him once and for all.
Wisernow, isn’t that something how they always want the last word? Why is that Savannah? Mine did the same thing. What a bunch of horrible a-holes they all are!
I would like to add that I am just so thankful to have found a site where others have shared their own struggles with an N. For the first time in years I feel like I am not crazy, your stories prove the validity of my own experience. I no longer exist in relation to him. Its ok to be myself?!
I really needed this article today, thank you SO much for being brave enough to share your truth. I am in an emotionally destructive and controlling marriage that I can’t seem to escape from. After years of living in a toxic environment that left me a shadow of my former self, I took one final leap of courage to get out for myself and two young kiddos. I filed for divorce 8 months ago in January, but he is still living here and pretended like it never happened. I was silly enough to think we could work things out with an amicable split for the sake our kids. He has pulled me back and forth by dragging things out and not cooperating. I’ve had to be increasingly aggressive with court actions, some behind his back because he would stop me from even leaving the house if he knew. I have started to lose hope that I have a say and power over my own life-this gave me the kick I needed not to give up!!
Savannah,
This was another really timely piece for me. I found it so inexplicable that I was unable to leave and it took more than one such relationship for me to learn what was happening inside me. I find I am on the edge of another unhealthy relationship and I am working to see my choices here and not repeat them. I really got a lot out of what was shared here today. I especially like the quote, “I poured everything I had into you and you were still empty.”
Buildingupcourage –
Every one of us is unique, our life situation and location and particular story. Yet every N and every N relationship is utterly predictable. You’ve written a textbook on N behaviors: always blaming others, always the victim, never any responsibility or growth, always playing to the audience, and above all the shocking lies manipulation deceit. My N was just like that though she was a woman from a faraway country. At the end of our relationship I felt just like you do now: I wondered how a confident successful person like me could feel so tiny and insignificant and helpless. Looking back I see that living under the constant stress of pleasing her, and expending energy to deny the fact that she intrigues and flirts with men constantly, left me drained and feeling utterly washed out.
I saw a good quote once that sums up an N relationship: I poured everything I had into you, and you were still empty.
When it comes to moving forward now you are lucky: This website and its community will really help. We understand as few others can the pain and damage of an N relationship. But many of us took those baby steps Savannah talked about in her post. We started small — maybe just with the beginnings of a “mental revolt” where we reclaimed our own truth inside our heads. We stopped doubting our version of reality no matter hard the N tried to confuse us or lie to us. Then we took concrete steps to change our situation. We resumed some activity we had given up long ago because the N manipulated us or we simply stopped taking our needs seriously. Then we prepared for actual escape.
You have started down this path simply by recognizing that you want it. Reclaim your truth and follow your gut and you will see Savannah is right — you are stronger than you think. You can do this!!
Hurtin’ Cowboy
yes yes yes yes it’s all so true, you leave, they suck you back, they know exactly what buttons to push. Every day I am very very proud of myself to have left and stuck to no contact. It’s been difficult lately as my narc is hanging in my town with a new ljdyfriend and I avoid parties where he will be and if I see him at a pub I leave, but knowing so much more about the fake relationship we had and why he is a monster (and can’t help it?!) helps tremendously. I’m healing everyday.
Again, thanks.
Thankyou Savannah for another great piece of insightful writing.
Helplessness has been my default style,particularly when finding myself in a relationship pattern with the oh so familiar narcissist/addict.
Better late than never, as I now have the tools to call them out on their behaviour. Recently showed my latest one the door with a firm no to sex when he tried to disrespect my boundary by pushing & pushing despite my stating that physical intimacy was off the menu .
Yes he did leave without a fight, but I knew that he would want the last word. He called a few days later to say how bitter and resentful I was that he had moved away. I was proud of myself, I stood firm and did not enter into his mind games.
Believe it or not, still wanted me to visit him for holiday?!
I am so embarassed to admit that when I first succumbed to sex with him, he tried to tell me that it didnt happen! Classic gaslighting, which I now can identify.
Thankyou Savannah for another great piece of insightful writing.
Helplessness has been my default style,particularly when finding myself in a relationship pattern with the oh so familiar narcissist/addict.
Better late than never, as I now have the tools to call them out on their behaviour. Recently showed my latest one the door with a firm no to sex when he tried to disrespect my boundary by pushing & pushing despite my stating that physical intimacy was off the menu .
Yes he did leave without a fight, but I knew that he would want the last word. He called a few days later to say how bitter and resentful I was that he had moved away. I was proud of myself, I stood firm and did not enter into his mind games.
Believe it or not, still wanted me to visit him for holiday?! oh, the ego of these types.
Thank you for posting this at the exact time you did! Minutes before you posted this, I found your website, and started reading everything I could as I am married to a N. Yesterday was my 35th birthday, and for the last 10 years my birthday has meant less and less to him (even though I make sure his are always special). At first I received gifts, flowers, breakfast in bed, and he even ATTEMPTED to make a cake a couple of times; then it was just dinner and a homemade card; today was nothing other than being told Happy Birthday once and homemade cards from my kids that one of his family members helped them with.
I have been married to my N for 9.5 years. The first 3 years were great (only because I saw nothing and blindly believed everything), the next 4 years I started to question what he said and did, the last 2.5 years I have been telling myself I need to leave.
Coinciding with me realizing who he is and who I was becoming, we took in 2 special need foster kids. I KNOW that it was his idea, but he reminds me daily that I did this (I would never change them coming into my life for any reason). He is a pretty good father, but even at their ages they are starting to realize that he lies on them and to them, says unrealistic and mean things at times, etc. Although they are the light of my life as well as my 13 year old, it just makes it all the harder to leave and have any confidence that we can make it.
When we met 12 years ago I was healthy and happy. Today I take more than a dozen prescribed pills a day, lots for depression/anxiety, and others for pain caused by injuries from when I was working 18 hours a day like a man to keep our family afloat. It seems lately a good day is when I get out of bed for more than an hour total. I used to have friends, more family than I could stand, a job off the property. Now there are entire weeks that I do not talk to anyone but him and my kids. One part of his behavior that isn’t exactly like most other Ns, is that he actually has stepped up to help with house and kids. But that doesn’t come cheap to me. His comments can tear down any amount of self esteem that I have managed to save/build in an instant. More like most Ns, he never misses an opportunity to tell anyone who will listen about what he has and is going through because of how sick I am, and how the stage 3 cancer destroyed so much of me and our marriage. I never had full blown cancer, I had carcinoma-in-situ, had surgery, and it was gone. Yes I am in pain, but that is not what keeps me in bed. It is the fear of doing something wrong and mostly depression. Even if I could only do a couple of things, something would be wrong with it.
Like most other Ns, I know he has been unfaithful with at least 3 women. When he isn’t being physically unfaithful, he is being what I call emotionally unfaithful with another woman. Any time I confront him with anything he flips it around to “well you did this” or tells me that my meds make me not hear/remember things right, tells me to call my therapist so she can straighten me out, or walks off. If I repeat the amount of the electric bill twice in a month, he spends the next week telling me how much I nag him. When the words “I’m sorry” come out of his mouth it is never sincere, usually being said in a manner of “I’m so sorry that I ate the last muffin, I’ll never eat anything but bread and water again as to not offend you”. Actual quote.
I have found that what I miss the most about my old self is the ability to make decisions! I was once confident enough to make any necessary decisions as needed, now just picking out which brand of refried beans means two phone calls, a lap around the grocery store, and a nervous breakdown.
I am sitting here today desperately trying to find a way to financially leave (he moved me 300 miles from the nearest person I know) and even if I do make it out, how to support all of us on so little. I am confident that after I am out for a while that I will be able to take back my health both physically and mentally and eventually start working again. Three separate times since I decided I wanted out, but before I was completely committed to it, I had the means to leave and never look back. But true to N form, he went back to treating me like a queen and somehow convinced me that it was just the stress of money problems leading to our marriage problems. I understand me believing him the first time, but the second? And even worse the 3rd!?!?
As soon as the life changing money we had come into was gone, mostly on things to make him look good/move up in statue and “projects” that he could flip and keep us moving in the right direction, his behavior was as bad if not worse than before. One of the hardest things to wrap my head around is that it is HIS fault that we can never get ahead financially. He honestly believes that it is better to work for himself and charge $105/HR for work on a car than to have a steady job. And that if we just built him a $30,000 shop he could do everything. Biggest problem is there is usually only one or two customers a year he can “con” into paying his prices for his work. Then when they do, he collects money and spends it on something else and then doesn’t finish their cars. When they stand up to him he finds a way to “legally” take their car/truck/boat etc. Then the cars just sit unfinished in our field, with pissed off owners, no money, and only partially completed. The first few times I believed it was the customers fault, but now I know his game. This leads to more shame and guilt on my part, starting the cycle over again destroying me further. He has the skills and abilities to do beautiful work, he just never finishes anything or puts money where it needs to go. As I sit here, I know we are about to lose our 3rd house and 2nd car, but he tells everyone who will listen that it is because he has to take care of me and the kids instead of working. And instead of fixing the situation, we just borrow more money from anyone who still will and barely make it.
Ns are VERY good at turning everything around on you! Until I started researching some of his traits, I honestly believed if I was only better..I could…then he would…. Even as recent as two months ago I told my therapist (whom he has convinced I am crazy) that I feel like I owe it to our family to give it my all one more time to make it work. The second I said it, I found my anger! That anger you talk about in your post that will make it possible to leave and begin the healing process.
I’m sure this is one of your most rambling posts anyone has ever written, but this is the first time I have ever posted anything anywhere about anything online. I honestly just needed to get this out. I’m sure I could write many times this, and I’m sure many of you all will identify with much of this and have even been through more. I applaud all of you have gotten out, and pray for myself and all of you who are now or still working on an exit strategy.
As you said in posts, my co-dependency attracted me to him (and the one before who was physically abusive instead of narcissistic abusive) and I have to do the work to heal myself and not attract these types of crazy makers. On the bright side, I am POSITIVE that most/all of us now know what red flags to watch out for so we can run like hell in the future to protect what matters most, ourselves and our children.