A relationship usually goes through 4 stages. First you have two single people, next is dating, followed by a committed couple, which is then proceeded by marriage. People and relationships can stall out at any stage or remain at one stage for long periods of time.
In a Narcissistic/Codependent relationship the dating process is sped up exponentially. It’s as if there is a race to the finish line. The need to enmesh two lives as quickly as possible is the preferred mode for both these types.
The reasons for which is that both parties feel vulnerable when alone. Both have an intense need to be loved and accepted, both fear rejection and abandonment vehemently. For these reasons, neither spends the appropriate amount of time getting to know each other. For a Narcissist, the nuances of their partner don’t really matter. They are seeking that one person to make them feel special and who can satisfy the beast inside.
For a Codependent, they glide over obvious issues, because, in their minds, they believe that they can fix what’s broken in their partners, so whatever, or whoever is there now – doesn’t really matter, when they are done fixing them they will be a totally different person.
Both engage in magical type thinking, where the belief is that they can fill themselves up and heal the void within by something or someone outside of themselves. Coming from the backgrounds that they do, they have no real model for what a healthy relationship looks like, so they miss or ignore obvious flags along the way.
Boundaries are very fuzzy or non-existent for both, which often means that the status and state of the relationship can be ambiguous and one may never know where they stand. There seems to be a very quick enmeshment of each other’s lives – without the commensurate amount of time to get to know each other, see if you’re compatible, have the same values and morals, ect. This doesn’t preclude the fact that a narcissist will hide their true self – what’s relevant here is the speed at which the enmeshment occurs.
A Codependent is prone to reveal too much, early on, due to weak boundaries and out of a need to bond with their love interest and develop a strong connection. Narcissists pay attention early on. The can be laser focused if their interest is high. They want to absorb what you’re saying so that they can mirror the image back to their love interest. They are masters at hiding their true selves, but they talk endlessly about the persona they’ve created to impress. Their true selves are wrapped tightly in shame and anxiety, because they fear rejection and abandonment, they will never reveal that part of themselves to anyone, which means that true intimacy will always allude them.
For many Codependents looking for a partner, having sex means something important, perhaps not a committed, monogamous relationship yet, but it means – this is where we’re headed. Because of their weak boundaries and need to be liked, many Codependents can be pressured into having sex on a first date, even if it’s not something they necessarily want to do.
For a Narcissist sex means something different. It means getting their fix. It means you like them, you’re attracted to them and this fills them up and quiets the beast within for a while.
A Narcissist speeds through the dating process because it’s almost like they’re on the clock. They want to get what they need and get out before being discovered. They want the attention, the affection – they want to hear I love you. This is really what they’re after. Once they have it there seems to then be a drop off in the amount of energy they put into the relationship. This is often where the devaluation comes into play. Even if they do stick around, once they know they’ve got you their attention wanes and the relationship is never the same again. They now start to use your feelings as a means of control.
Codependents speed through the dating process because they need a project. They are uncomfortable without someone else to dote and focus on. They derive their sense of worth through what they can do, give, or be for someone else.
Understanding and Slowing Down The Process
Your partner is the most important investment you are going to make in life. If you choose wisely you can build a life, a family and financial stability together, that’s based on love, trust and respect. If you choose poorly your life could wind up in chaos, isolation and financial ruin. So it’s an investment that no one should take lightly and certainly not one that should be sped through. Here are a few of my words of wisdom on understanding and slowing down the process:
- Be mindful that getting to know someone takes time. Be mindful of someone trying to rush you through the process. Going slow and easing into any relationship should always be your goal and if you notice someone pushing you to move faster when you don’t feel ready or comfortable, that’s your flag and you need to act on that.
- I don’t care if your biological clock is ticking down its last minute. It’s no excuse to rush. Read some of the comments on here of people who have had children with Narcissists and pay attention to the nightmare they describe. Trust me on this one. If you want kids that badly adopt or go to a sperm bank. Never use “I want kids,” as a reason to rush through the dating process.
- Time is the only factor that will allow for someone to reveal their true selves. If you’re dating an emotional manipulator their mask will always eventually slip. Make sure you haven’t already taken out a loan for them, moved across the country, given them money, or moved them in before time has revealed the truth about them.
- Make sure you know what your boundaries are and don’t be afraid to act once they’ve been crossed. That means don’t ignore obvious signs, problems, or issues. Trust me on this one. If you noticed it in the beginning and you initially chose to ignore it – it’s going to get bigger and bigger and after a few months it’s going to grow a trunk and some tusks.
- Don’t invest in someone in someone with problems – addictions, mental health issues, angry contemptuous attitude, a pattern of unstable relationships, infidelity issues, money issues, responsibility issues… you can’t ignore these things. Don’t invest – get out early.
- If their ex, a family member, or one of their friends is telling you that the person you’re dating has any of the issues mentioned above – LISTEN.
- Relationships shouldn’t be a guessing game. If you’re not sure if you’re in one or not – you’re not – get out of it.
- If you have moved someone into your home, married them or taken a huge step and realized it was a huge mistake – end it and get them out. Don’t hesitate and don’t put up with excuses. To paraphrase one of my favorite authors on Codependency, Darlene Lancer, “Codependents don’t act, they adapt.” My advice to you is, “Don’t adapt – act.”
Image courtesy of nenetus at freedigitalphotos.net
I am truly impressed with this blog, site, and comments section. I had been trying to pinpoint why I was soooo uncomfortable with a new fella’s feelings towards me. I called it out. It was INTENSITY. I had it in my last big relationship. I learned from that one it cannot last. I spent almost 2 years and 3 breakups with this trying to get back the first 8 months of our relationship. It never worked. My last relationship I finally drew the straw, he let his 15 year old son disrespect me(for like 3 times)…I was done. Done trying to be friends last month too. We broke up right at the holidays 2016.
Newest fella, really fast…words of how beautiful I am (I am lol…I do love myself)…”you’ve met my closest friends and family, I’m letting you in and I would like to call you my girlfriend” (..all within 2 weeks). Then what got me…thinking…he said it was our 1 month anniversary and he wanted to take me out. My first reaction smile…ugh. That’s not probably good.
UM, slight problem, I met him at a restaurant on June 25. I had started talking to him 10 days before. I asked him to please refer when introducing me by my first name. I never go out w guys recently divorced,(I did it), a guy who smokes, a man who is military formerly and has dx of PTSD. Other than that sweet as pie.
I know what I am, a codependent. I am in 12 step for love addiction. I can say without my program I would have “seen where this goes.” And I would have crashed and burned. I feel like i dodged a big bullet. I get to go get tested, yay.
I might possibly be wrong, maybe he’s a normal guy, but on July 3rd, I sent him a posting of Intensity Syndrome…I had been trying to explain why I felt there was too much intensity in the relationship. I couldn’t explain it. He was open to wanting to receive the posting. He was way more calm yesterday, then whammo Unfortunately for me, we slept together….I had been in program 4.5 years, emotional sobriety for 1.5 years until today.
It felt good to be pursued but it was suffocating sometimes. Today halfway through the act he says he is “nervous.” I knew when he dropped me off I would not hear from him. I was so mad at myself…then realized after reading this, I was duped.
BUT!!! I did not call him and I will continue this avenue, because of my love for myself, self worth and this blog. Thank you all of you!!
There is no hell worse than being in a relationship with a narcissist. The problem with getting attached too soon is that you are attaching to a fantasy. You have no idea what you are buying into. What you do know is this long-lost, long-held vision of what you want in a partner. You are just waiting to find that person, and so easily it happens where what you seek, want, never had-is projected onto the other person- almost like blank canvass and a movie projector.. and it doesn’t help that narcissist are great actors, ready to play the part. This process is almost immediate, and is so binding, because of a lifetime of disappointment and hurts. All of this, and so early on, makes it hard to see what is really there. The person before you. And that the other person is on the best behavior; the narcissist and their mask. So easily it can happen, that you buy the whole deal- hook/line/sinkker, and then, surprise! The person you think you love is actually a monster, who doesn’t love you, and who enjoys watching you suffer, who uses putting you down to give them a sense of worth. It’s so easy for them to put you down, make you feel like shit, and make you chase after them, because you are still in fanstasy land, wondering where Mr/Ms. Wonderful went. And because they choose you precisely for your weakness. Because co-dependents will always make someone else’s shitty behavior about themselves- that somehow, it is they who are flawed, did wrong, are unloveable, that this is why this person is treating them so horribly. Here’s what I learned: it only stops when you say it stops. You have to quit fooling yourself that they will change because, and believe me when I say this: They. Won’t. What you see now is what you will always see. That person has shown their true colors, and it will get worse and worse, and they will drain you if you stay until the fruits of your life are gone. Don’t do that to yourself. You have a LIFE. It’s yours, to live and enjoy. I know it may seem scary to leave, or like if you just waited a bit more, things will get better. But trust me, they won’t. Any better is followed by way worse. Please. Snap out of it, and RUN!
It really does take a while, and some serious investment, to truly get to know someone and see if they’re worth committing to. I’m a big advocate now of befriending a possible romantic partner first before dating them, and taking my sweet a$$ time.
I know now that everything in my dumpster fire of a relationship with my ex-Narc happened too soon. We spent too much time together in the beginning. I ignored all the red flags and my emotions, which were all over the place (I didn’t know at the time that what I was feeling was because of my co-dependency and a trauma bond I had with him). I think he won the landspeed record for how soon he told me he “loved” me. He also moved into my home, way too soon. Had I gotten to really know him first, I never would have let that happen.
Relationships with Narcs are churn and burn. Mine started and ended in just about two years.
Now, I believe that it takes at least one to two years to get a good idea of how someone is (and will be). And it took me befriending a completely different man (who is not a Narc), to come to this conclusion:
I think I’ve mentioned this before, but shortly after my ex-Narc finally moved out and I had started No Contact, I met a wonderful man through a mutual friend. He was new to my city, would I mind showing him around? I met up with him, and he and I just naturally hit it off and got along. After a few months of hanging out platonically, he asked me if I would be interested in dating him. It was not easy for me to say no–everything about this man seemed great, we “connected” so well, plus I found him attractive–but for my own mental health, I declined. I knew it was too soon post-Narc, and I needed to work on myself.
This friend moved on romantically and met another woman, and I went on to date other people, but he and I maintained our friendship. I’d say about a year after hanging out, some things about him surfaced and I really got to know him. I got to see him for what he is, without the rose-colored glasses of lust or fog of co-dependency:
-He smokes a lot of pot (it’s legal where I live and I don’t care about recreational use, but he’s way too into it for me).
-He’s not concerned with his career trajectory, and has just up and quit a couple of jobs simply because he did not “like” them.
-He’s forgetful (see item No. 1, LOL).
-He has a host of other problems in his life, such as debt, etc.
I say this from a place of love, but my friend is a bit of a scrub, LOL. He presented himself to me as pulled-together, because we are all on our best behavior when we first meet someone. He seemed SO GREAT during those first few months because I DIDN’T know him.
I can tolerate all of these things about him that I’ve mentioned (and don’t judge him for it) as his FRIEND. And I’m sure there are things about me that he has learned and discovered that he does not like and couldn’t handle, in a romantic capacity. But these are things that I couldn’t tolerate if I became his girlfriend, which was completely possible at one time.
Can you imagine if I had said “yes” that night, instead of “no”? This is what I would have been stuck with, a guy who doesn’t have it together and who is stoned all the time. As a romantic partner, I could see him resting on his laurels, not pulling his weight financially, expecting me to plan the social calendar, not wanting to go out because he’d rather get high and watch a movie, etc. If I said “yes” and we dated, I’m sure I would have ended it by now and we wouldn’t be speaking.
I’m happy to be his friend (and he IS a great friend to me), but I don’t have to suffer the consequences of his behavior, such as financial problems and lack of ambition. His life choices don’t affect my life, but they would have had I dated him.
Anyway, this is a long way to just advocate for what Savannah is saying: To really take your time when dating and getting to know someone!!!
P.S.: I love the new look and layout of the website!
Hi Narcrepellent, thank you for sharing your story and good job on that one! This new experience of yours is really how it must be done. Just taking your time to know someone which can take more than a year or two before actually dating or being serious.
I wish I had known all of Savannah’s blogs before I met my exNarc. After discarding me, he was so smug for his up-onemanship on me, and then posting his new gf on facebook like he found the love of his life when they’ve only been going out for less than 6 months. Now that I know his tactic as a Narc, I know for sure that this new gf will crash and burn very soon. Like Savannah said, Narcs speed up the dating process as if they are rushing something before someone finds out who they really are, which is, first-class a**holes.
The “n” I can’t seem to completely move on from completely blindsided me in that he is my deceased husband best friend. After my husband died he was the one who drove me to the funeral home. We have 21+ years of history that kind of “veiled” his true nature when it comes to women. And I find myself questioning whether or not he is realy narcissistic or has just had women in his life who kind of trained him to be this way. Not that it’s their fault, just that his only experience with women, mostly because of his primary years, were women who couldn’t give him the kind of love that you need in those primary years. Anyways, I’m glad I just read what I did. As I was mulling over in my head on my day off whether or not I should give him a call to see if he is available this afternoon. Because I was doing really good at no contact, for the most part, as we are both recovering addicts alcoholics and he has been clean and sober for 27 years and I have been for 24. So we often see each other when we go to meetings. But I have been very good at avoiding any contact where we are alone. Because the sex is explosive, and we both absolutely love that. The confusion comes in for me, because I truly love this man. I watched he and my husband be best friends for over 20 years. And my husband never laughed so hard is when he and Bill were together. This man just retired from a 30-year successful career. He over the past year came out of a horrendous divorce. Which I know, as my husband was his sponsor in AA, this man has always had problems with being sexual lyrics promiscuous, yes I might even go as far to say he’s a sex addict. My husband and I were married in Las Vegas and he showed up to the wedding and was the best man. After my husband died my daughter who had been planning a big wedding decided to just go up north I live in Michigan, and “b” was the one who drove me up and he was at my daughter’s wedding which was very special. And he was there for me always texting me you won’t I’m hungry let’s go get something to eat, we would go get ice cream, and just laugh and have fun together. And then one night after we got ice cream he walked me to the door, which was really weird, as he had never gotten out of the car and walked me to the door. came in the house and kissed me like I hadn’t been kissed in so long. Freaked me out and like I said just totally blindsided me. I was at my most vulnerable state I have ever when this happened. And what would continue from here, is he would walk me to my car, when we would just go meet for coffee and kiss me, and tell me how awesome I smelled, and how smooth my skin was. This went on for quite a while period and then one day when we were out eating, he asked me what I thought of having sex with someone and not being monogamous. basically just having more than one sexual partner. He told me, ” I know what Dave would say,” who was my husband, his best friend, and his sponsor in AA if you know anything about AA you know the role a sponsor plays. And I told him no I couldn’t do that. I would want to be the only person my sexual partner is having sex with. So my husband and I hadn’t had sex for about 7 years because of his illness and all the meds he was on. So one day I called B and ask him to meet me for coffee, and he said he couldn’t because and his sense of humor always makes me laugh, he was at home making brownies “naked”. And I said be damn it why did you say that? You know if I knew I was the only one I would be there in a heartbeat. And then he said to me didn’t I tell you I wasn’t seeing K anymore? And of course me sexually celibate for 7 years I marched my ass over there immediately. And oh my God it was fabulous. And then there’s a lot of details I will leave out but it ended up where he said he didn’t think he could do the monogamy, so I thought I would give that a try. Not that I was going to have sex with anybody else but being okay with him doing that. Because he was upfront and honest about it. And I do trust him to take care of himself sexually. He very obviously does not want any kind of attachment to anybody. And, we haven’t been intimate in over 3 months. We did hang out Saturday night, he came and picked me up, we went to ice cream he dropped me off and then I decided that I would go to his house, which one I texted him and said I was coming over, he said that’s probably not a good idea and watch a movie. I went anyways. There were references, to sex, and I outright told him that if anything like that were to happen it would just be me trying to “convince” him.
I ended up leaving nothing,,sexual happened we had a good time. And with the history we have shared, before any of this happened, just has a huge place in my heart.
And as I sit here writing that’s because I have today off I am seriously contemplating calling him and going over to his house because I know he won’t say no. And just getting some of my needs fulfilled. I’ll feel good for maybe a couple hours and then I’ll crash. Or maybe I won’t this time? And I know, he really truly does not have the capacity to attach, or love like I do. And yes I go back to the codependent, maybe I’ll be the one. And in all honesty, I know I wont. We’ll see. Thanks for letting me write this thesis. I just really need it to puke this out again.
Jen you do eat alot of ice cream … Dont settle for a guy that does not respect you .. He sleeps,around … Do t do it .
Thanks so much Savannah. That blog rings true. Every point you make is my life over 10 years.
Today I’m moving on (I hope).
It’s been almost a year since I moved out, but I’ve never been able to end it. I can never keep up the NO CONTACT because I wanted her back in my life, so many memories that I wasn’t prepared to give up. However, I could never seem to think about the bad memories.
I hope I’m ready, as I still feel she is the love of my life, but there is no future with this woman, she comes back into my life and then disappears again, then comes back and tells me it’s time to move on WTF.
It is time to move on please GOD give me the strength. I know by reading your blogs it’s definitely going to help xxx
I have a question and wonder if anyone can answer it.
Is it possible for a narcissist to also be a man child?
Let me explain. The Narc I have Known and have been with on and off with for 8 years displays a lot of man child characteristics and also has several narcisstic patterns. His relationship never last more than 3 months. And he usually boomerangs between the same women. (Either me, or other girls that Im not all aware of) his really good at hidding them from each other. But you will know something is off. He still lives with his parents and is in his early 30’s. A real mommies boy who can be with you if she asks him to do something. He can never disobey her or tell her he made other plans. But he eventually hint to you how much he dispises her. Pretends to act like a grown up but cannot bring a girl to his place well at least not me. He has brought other girls but on the pretence that they are his friends. Surprisingly, has a lot of female friends and always new circles of friends. He keeps the ones that are old friends just for show on his facebook page for credibility. But I know that these old friends dont talk to him much or at all. They were part of the same circle I was from. Also, he has major issues such as sexual addictions, porn and can never get enough sex. I also believe he cant ejaculate I mean who has sex rounds for 4hrs and never attaint it. Its mind boggeling and he says it nirmal for him. Plus he is always broke and can never treat you out for a restaurant or other things. Appart from rooming in his car like teenagers trying to find a spot to have sex, he cant think of any other outings or stuff do to for fun around town. He got fired at his old job and pretended he left the previous one to persue his own buisness that never worked. He works for an MLM company where you pay an insentive and sell there products and recruit others. And barrely makes any money but is always on a high horse pretending that its amazing. When your in relationship with him he makes you feel that it going somewhere serious. In the end it always ends up ambigious because he never calls you his girlfriend. I so happened to stumble on the other girl (that he pretended was his ex girlfriend) and she confirmed to me that she doesnt recall being his anything. I cant believe he had me believe she was one. But she said that they were never officially dating, or in a relationship and she doesnt know how to describe what it was. He likes to be controlling and tell you what you can and cant do. He will control eventually how you dress or will subtely make you believe your no longer pretty by not complimenting you anymore. Or he will lose interest gradually and disappear into tin air like he doesnt exist. All of this in 3 months or maybe more with others. I believe I fell on someone really disfuntional who pretended to be a friend at first to lure me in.
May I ask you if you know all of this about him why are you still even talking to him. Please don’t allow yourself to be disrespected by this person ,you deserve better . Please take care of your needs and find someone who loves who you are and knows your woerh. Start with you.
It’s been a month actually since I broke contact. Mostly because I am exhausted and fed up. I haven’t initiated any contact with him since and I don’t plan on doing it. I know that I have to discipline myself to stop responding to his hovering though. Blocking him is the best way to go. It’s just that My mind still lingers on some unanswered questions and confusion sometimes…
Yes, sorry Becky but I agree with Dawn….this individual sounds like a complete doosh bag. Cut him loose. There are a lot of serious rock stars out there who’d no doubt give anything to be your guy. Do it now, and cut him out, and in a year you will be thanking yourself to the stars and back.
Anouska x
Thanks Anouska and Dawn! I am taking your advice!
This is my story very well written and in simple words and down to the core. Except, nobody, nobody from my ex family and friends hinted that it was a “repeated” offender that I had married. Not even his mother, who always started her phone conversation with me “Is everything all right?” My: “Why?” was always answered: “Oh, I am just asking.” Really???!!! She is in grave now for many years but I still get mad at these memories knowing what I know now.
When I learned of my ex new woman # at least 5, I wanted to warn her but fortunately I had enough brains to let her learn her own way or be “happy”. After all, she went after him and let herself being deceived to get this “great dick” at a recycling depot. I was there once and thought that he was awesome. Ha, ha, ha!
She is a close friend of his close family and I bet everybody is tight lipped wishing them well and cheering them (at least on FB the do) in the name of “good families don’t.” They knew that he was not separated nor divorced when he started seeing her and nobody, nobody said a beep to me and some of them that I thought I were close to me and I treated them as surrogate sisters knew that we were going through difficult times, our son was in clinical depression and I desperately tried to help him, fix the marriage… Nice! Yes, I am still bitter as hell!!!
I feel darn stupid, knowing now that they had known that he had many failed relationships and maybe they made bets how long our would last??? I feel like a fricken family clown!!!
But, it’s been a year since we signed the separation agreement and soon it will be a year since I am legally and officially divorced and I am slowly, very slowly, extremely slowly, frustratingly slowly recovering but I am recovering and so is my son and that what keeps me going.
Thank you Savannah and all for keeping me on the right track.
By the way, I would like to mention that I really like the new look of your blog Savannah. And I really like that there’s your photo. Each time I start reading with looking at your face and thinking: “Wow! She is not only smart, kind and generous but also, darn good looking. If she, in the past, was fooled by a sick narc, no wonder I did fall, too.”
My deceased husband said to me early in our marriage {he was a narc} “quit asking if I love you, I married you didn’t I.” Well, I took his advice and a page from his book. I make sure I never say it first unless I’ve been with the same guy for at least 6 months. At the moment though, I’m in an awkward situation, as the guy in question can not even be faithful for a month. Found out he and his {not ex spouse} are still together and they get off on his gas lighting/bread crumbing women. I made the comment give him enough rope he’ll hang himself to a friend as we were watching as he was attempting to make me jealous. My friend said I could do some thing the other girls could not . I asked the friend{who has been married to the same woman for 30 years} what it is, and he pointed out I could tell her future since I’d already had it.
In the meantime, I refuse to be anything more then friends with Mr.Happy Pants. Trust is a big issue for me, and I’d rather be alone as a widow of 16 years, then feeling alone in a “relationship”.
Gracec, I’ve just read my own story. I experienced pretty much the same. My ex was calling my boss, the current gf found out about my existance (after having been together for 9 months) one month before their wedding (having been together for 10 months), she rang me up asking questions, they didn’t marry but still live together, afterwards they were seen together all the time demonstrating their love and I am wondering how much longer it will last
Hi Kerstin, I guarantee you as Savannah always tells us, that your ex’s current relationship will not last. The period of bliss varies but the ending is always the same. Theyre emotional vampires as Sav says. Think of it as a wolf devouring a prey. Once they had their fill, they leave. You’re chopped liver. So once he has had enough of the current gf and had used her to his own satisfaction, he will get bored and will go seeking for another. It’s a cycle. How long then is the bliss? Depends on his “appetite” on her.
One of my friends asked me bluntly one time during my past period of misery, “If you already know he’s an a**h**e, why do you want him back?”. Very good point, right? That sank in me pretty good.
I am where you are right now. I’m also wondering if my exNarc is starting to get bored with his new gf. But like Sav says, we should start moving forward and think of our own happiness with someone who we can have a satisfying relationship where there is mutual love and respect. Believe me, your ex and my ex are not worth it. Their new gfs can have all their bad character and everything else. They are not worth it.
Cheer up because you and I deserve someone great who will appreciate us and love and respect us equally. May God bless you.
GraceC.
“I am wondering when they break up” – I’ve just been informed that she’s pregnant. Now I am crying and can’t stop.
Kerstin, I know it hurts and I’m sorry for your heartbreak. But think about how he treated you when you were together. You don’t want to be with someone who does not treat you with respect. Her having his baby does not mean it will last forever. Look at how many people and even celebrities have children or babies and then regret having had a relationship with their kids’ fathers. Your ex was not the right person for you. I would suggest for you not to think about this guy. Don’t let any of your friends talk about him when you’re around. Dont talk about him either. Don’t go on facebook and don’t check him or his gf there. Treat him like he’s a dead person who does not exist. I did these things myself as per one of my friend’s advice. I was so mad at her in the beginning for this advice but she was right. It really helped me. Then try to go out anywhere even in the grocery store or wherever. When you interact with men, single or married, young or old, engage with them. Chat like you flirt. Dress nicely. It will make you feel better little by little.
Kerstin, your ex is a douchebag. Don’t cry over trash. It’s hard in the beginning to move on but soon enough, you will feel much better. I myself feel much better now. It took me about just a few months. He still crosses my mind at times but I have convinced myself that he was really not worth it cause he treated me like trash and I just refused to see it before because I feared rejection. But now I can see so clearly and I feel much much better. I guarantee you, you’re going to be ok. Being rejected does not mean you’re less worthy as a person or you’re ugly or whatever. It just means you and your ex’s relationship did not work out. It’s as simple as that. It’s like a lock and key. We just need to find the right person for us. The right key.
I hope this helps you. Keep reading Savannah’s blogs everyday. All of it. Read one of her blogs each day. They are amazing and tremendously helped me. She practically saved me through God’s grace. She is Godsend. Take care Kerstin.
— GraceC.
Thank you Gracec! Thanks fortaking the time!
Please consider going no contact and don’t solicit anymore information about him/them. This is making you miserable. It’s not worth your sanity.
Hi Triple S, I have changed the gym (although I used to work their and all my friends are there) and I cancelled my facebook account. I was sitting in the office yesterday a friend told me via whats app. My ex and I haven’t spoken since the break up. So I follow the no contact rule. But thank you for your advice!
Well said, Grace C, Triple S and hang on in there Kerstin. You’re doing the right things. I’ve been enjoying the run of posts on here about self-improvement because that’s what is important to me now so it’s ironic that I’m commenting now they’re back to N behaviour.
After a year of NC Mr N and his partner turned up at a big festival for my hobby group. It was because they had something to sell. The event was big and successful, I’m one of the main organisers, so it was easy to ignore them. I managed to be put in the way of one derogatory comment dealt with by ignoring it and I quietly left a party when they turned up. It made me laugh that he entered a children’s race. I can see that our (male) president is now totally enthralled to him – not in a sexual way, it’s more about power – but that isn’t my problem and we don’t talk about it.
I had a stress dream with N. in it and a minor episode of the being sick that I went through after it all came out. That passed quickly but it totally illustrates the importance of continued No Contact.
Recently I read Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude as referenced by Savannah. It’s the grandparent of all self help books but it has lots of great examples of positive ways to behave. Now I know who is The Most Important Living Person – that’s me. And I know to “Keep your mind on the things you want and off the things you don’t want.” So maybe I won’t comment on this particular N any more.
I wish I had known this back in high school. They should teach relationship courses discussing dating, boundaries, break up danger, and personality disorders starting at age 15 in schools. Many people would have better relationships for articles like this had they known early on in life. Thank you for your articles Savannah.
Thank you for your kind words!
Better yet, I am all for mandatory parenting classes, so people don’t get screwed up to begin with. Mary
Savannah, these are excellent advices! I wish I had known them before I met my ex. But we all live and learn, and these advice you have will definitely help me in the future. So thank you!
I just want to comment about point #6 regarding if an ex tells you your narc has major issues. It’s usually hard to convince a current gf or bf that their lover has issues because they will always think that the ex is just jealous and wants revenge.
I was the ex-gf and I told my ex Narc’s current gf that he has infidelity issues,etc. She then told him which made my exNarc fuming mad (Narcissistic rage/injury). Unfortunately he is my co-worker so he slandered me to my bosses. It was all personal attacks so thank God my bosses did not fire me. It actually backfired on him since he was so impulsive and didnt think it through. He already had a bad rep to start with at work so they all the more disliked him.
Weeks later after he told my bosses about me, he went to Italy with his gf for 2 weeks which he never did to any of his past gfs including me, and posted their pictures on Facebook. I know that he did this to show me that I was wrong about him and that his gf did not believe what i told her. They have only been going out for a few months so I know he’s speeding up his dating process with this new girl.
Since this new girl is still with him after I warned her about him, I know that this will not end well. Like you always say Sav, we already know what’s ahead of them. The new girl does not.
Sav, I wish you can talk sometime about Narcissistic injury/rage. I find this destructive to the self that a Narc does not realize. He’s supposed to be so in love with himself. It’s sort of a paradox.
Thank you SO MUCH again for your very helpful and wonderful blogs! May God bless you.
GraceC