Invoking jealousy, creating drama and forcing their partners to make impossible choices are just a few of the ways a Narcissist gets his fix and maintains control.
If a Narcissist can make you feel insecure and be the center of attention at the same time, they are creating their ideal scene for maximum payout. In their mind, to have more than one person wanting them, fighting over them, shows them that they are important, desired and worthy. It doesn’t matter that they have set the scene and created these false scenarios that pit one woman, or one man against another. Initiating jealousy and drama is their agenda. It gives them a perverse sense of superiority. It’s your pain for their pleasure.
It accomplishes a number of things. First is feeds the monster. The beast inside that feeds off of attention, admiration, love, affection, money sex, control, pain…. Second, it creates the persona that they are in high demand. Third, it lets them know they have options. It alleviates some of their anxiety, because they know they are not short on supply.
They don’t care that their behavior will hurt you. They don’t care if it makes you feel insecure or even if it is detrimental to your relationship. These acknowledgements are so beyond them and clearly show a very serious lack of empathy.
What a Narcissist knows is that in these situations it’s typical human nature for us to get angry with our competition. It doesn’t matter that they are the ones that have caused the acrimony. Narcissists are such skilled manipulators and phenomenal liars that they can usually spin it so that their behavior is everyone else’s fault.
What a Narcissist fears most is abandonment. These behaviors are really about controlling others . They don’t want their partners to leave them, not because they care about them, but because they need someone, anyone, to be there, caring about them, fussing over them. Rather than create a stable, happy relationship, based on trust, kindness and reciprocity, they prefer deception.
The other type of triangulation is forcing you to make impossible choices, such as choosing them or your children, them or your job, them or your family, friends, opportunities…. which sets you up for an inevitable downfall.
If you don’t choose them you will surely invoke Narcissistic injury which will cause strife in your relationship. It will also be ammunition to be used against you, again and again in the future. The moment you don’t choose them your stock falls and you get moved to the soon to be discarded list. It is a slight they will never get over and they will never forgive. Choosing something, anything over them is a cardinal sin in their eyes and gives them complete autonomy to do or say whatever hurtful, painful thing they want to you, because you have just given them ample justification, regardless of how unreasonable and ridiculous their request.
If you do choose them they will see how easily you succumbed to their will. They will lose respect for you. An example would be to force you to choose them over your children and once you do they will hold it against you and think, “What kind of a mother chooses someone over their children?”
You may think they want your compliance, but too much of it is a definite turn off. If you’re sitting there thinking – if I say no, they get upset and if I say yes they get upset too – you’d be right. Either decision you make is wrong. It’s a lose, lose scenario for you.
My ex and I were days away from our engagement party. He was making a big fuss about me inviting my brother. He was threatening to cause a scene if I dared to choose my brother over him. My brother had done nothing to him, absolutely nothing. My brother didn’t even know that my ex felt so much animosity towards him. The indiscretion or injury was all in my Narcissist’s head.
If I didn’t invite my brother it would cause a rift between my brother and I that I would never be able to mend. My Narcissist didn’t care about that. He needed me to show him that he was more important to me than everyone else. He needed to dominate, cause rifts between me and my loved ones. He needed to show that his will was the only thing that mattered and he wanted everyone to know it.
The most incredulous thing about that experience, looking back, is that a few weeks after this happened he cheated and left me for his married co-worker. He was looking for a fight, a reason to call it off and make it all my fault. He didn’t care about the damage it would do to my relationship with my brother. All he was thinking about was his agenda and what pawn pieces to move. To this day I am still taken aback by the total lack of empathy and the magnitude of his selfishness.
Narcissists always want you to prove to them how much you care, how much you are willing sacrifice and how willing you are to put them first. This type of behavior is an obvious red flag. Healthy relationships do consist of some compromise, but the giving isn’t always so one sided. Someone that loves and respects you doesn’t feast off of your pain and they wouldn’t ask you to choose between them and someone or something that you really care about. Never blow up your life for someone that wouldn’t cross the street for you. Don’t pack up your life to move to another town to be in a relationship with someone that you only know through part-time, long distance correspondence. In rare occasion it might work out, but the vast majority do not. If your partner requires you to give up your children to be with them, that is a sacrifice that you cannot make and know immediately that this person is not for you.
Love is a miraculous thing when it’s right. When love isn’t right it’s – controlling, manipulative, selfish, unkind, and jealous. When you spot your partner trying to create triangulation that should be your line in the sand that tells you it’s time for you to make your exit.
Your Comments!!!!!!
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Wow. I’m just learning about psychopaths and narcopaths and there was no better teacher than my ex! I was involved in a project, he swore he couldn’t do it without me. Until one day, he couldn’t reach me, AFTER telling me to “go chill” because communication was starting to break down. Eventually, in one phone call, I heard “you’re in a different reality” “we’re replacing you” and then he got all nice and calming after I told him I needed help. THAT’s when it tweaked that I was being manipulated. So I called his bluff and said okay, replace me then! Not sure what will happen next… I’ve mever neen good with boundaries, no contact, but trying to keep in mind, they will never apologize, because narcs are never in the wrong. But 6 months to get over? Oh my aching heart!
I can relate to this. I had a long distance relationship with a narcissist who lives abroad. He eventually discarded me when I started to challenge him and he realised I’d seen through his false mask. Ever since then, he’s goaded me with other women, making sure I know who he’s seeing and how attractive they are. It’s extremely painful for me and I’m really having to work hard on staying No Contact. A couple of weeks ago, another friend I had who lives near him asked if he could come over with his wife to the UK to visit me. I’d always got on well with this couple so was very excited. The next thing I knew, the narcissist and found out and out a stop to it with a smear campaign and now the couple have suddenly said they can’t come. The narcissists point of view definitely seems to be ‘if I can’t have you, no-one else is going to’…..
Nearly 3 months ago I decided to go no contact on my narc ex, who, having nearly all of the widely known narcissist skills, was a master of triangulation. It baffles me how most narcs are walking textbooks of NPD, if you read imilar articles, and yet, despite all the information available on the subject, so many people still become victims of narcissitic abuse.
One thing that does trouble me from time to time is how I managed to ignore my gut feeling that was saying that something was off quite early in the relationship. Oftentimes looking at a photo of my ex I had this voice at the back of my mind telling me that it’s a bad person looking at me with his black devilish eyes, but I was still ready to move the relationship forward and switch off the bad feeling I had. Why do we ignore our gut that screams loudly every time a narcissist abuse us and cross our boundaries? How can I learn to better trust my gut feeling?
I am recently discarded by a narcissist after confronting his new chic outside of his house 3 weeks ago. We were together off and on for 5 years and I was never the only one. I am having a very difficult time with all of this, I don’t sleep well at night, I am really down on myself and relationships as a whole. I am worried I am going to be alone, I am only 33.
The story from above with the brother is similar to what I have experienced. He had me choose him over friends, work on some occasions, vacations or events with friends. He would always make me feel guilty for doing those things. Yet when I asked for a date night or whatever with him that was not possible. I turned myself inside out and upside down in hopes he would just pick me and it would be only me.
Wow! This is what happened to me! It’s almost like your posts were a script for her to follow. Thank you for writing. You have opened my eyes!
I didn’t really believe it would happen, but my narcissist came back last week. I guess things must be going south with his current woman. We go to the same church so I see him often and I guess me being nice and cordial made me a target again. I live in a small town and recently moved into his (nicer) part of town. He kept inviting me to “stop by” but then he upped the ante and texted one night quite late. “No one will know I’m not home if I slip out. Can I walk over?” Its been three years and I’ve gotten happy and begun to date a bit and am thriving, learning to have new patterns after having an N father. I realized that I had to be very clear so I told him once was enough and then I blocked his calls. I saw him several days later at church and he looked awful. I saw then something I’d read about but never really seen before: an N without supply just shrivels up. My father had 8 kids so someone was always supplying him but to see my ex so….hollow. Somehow that hit home about supply more than anything else. They really are like vampires. No more blood from me!
Thank you it has been a painful journey with my narcissists.
Just wanted to say thank you ,I’ve been following you for 2 years it made me a,better person stronger .
Still not there even thow reading your blog brings tears to my eyes ,has if you know all about me and my struggle. Your blogs lift me up and making all doubts so clear .
One day I will be free and I am working hard ,fighting what my heart feels and what my mind say .
But you helped me to understand this is not love .
Thank you
WOW. Wow. Wow. It’s been almost 6 months of NC, but I can recall so many times the narc did this. Should have known it from the beginning as the triangulation was done directly in front of me with a bartender. Then it was with my mutual friends. Then it was bonding with someone going thru a “divorce” and was told they were “just friends!” Bull-fucking-shit. All of the triangulation is calculated. They need to feel wanted ALL.THE.TIME. And if you can’t give them the attention they desire, they will find it from someone else and let me just say, it doesn’t matter who it is. They will message your mutual friends looking for the constant contact with anyone else that will listen to their sob stories. Incessant pity plays about how their life is so bad – meanwhile, they create their own chaotic life. It took me a while to see all this, and when he knew that I wasn’t kissing the ground he was walking on anymore – he found someone else that would. I point blank asked him if he was interested in this other woman, and calculated, compulsive lies was what was fed back to me. It wasn’t till I actually caught him in the act that this story ended. I was done with the lies, the triangulation, the chaos…all of it. The last thing I wanted was community dick. And you know what? Six months after dumping him, I finally feel free. I don’t have to go to bed constantly worrying about the bullshit I was involved in. This is all her headache now. “The best predictor of future behavior is … past behavior.”
Haha. I love it “community dick.” That pretty much sums up my ex.
Yeah! Thank you! I know of a few
LOL!! “Bull-f***ing-s**t” is right!!! “All of the triangulation is calculated. They need to feel wanted ALL.THE.TIME. And if you can’t give them the attention they desire, they will find it from someone else and let me just say, it doesn’t matter who it is.”
My Narc is now messaging our mutual friends and hanging out with them. He must have burned some bridges with his other supply. Yeah, the “friends” that he met through me that he didn’t even like while we were together. Apparently they are now his boys. Flying monkeys! Idiots! All of them! Needless to say I will be cutting those “boys” out of my life too.
Sounds exactly like the situation I’ve been in. First a friend, then while out one night he disappeared..found him outside showing a women the stars. Doesn’t matter where we are at, even flying he’s in back chatting up with stewardesses. If I say anything, some how it’s all my fault. Me and my jealousy issues, he cant go anywhere with me. You are right it is all BS!!! Glad you got out. Im still dealing with the monster who has made life a living hell..its time for me to get out.
Wow I love your reply!! Spot on! Thank you
I discarded the original narc ex in July 2017 and followed the advice in this blog to the letter, which meant I moved from A – being in a toxic situation to B – being free and out the other side in the shortest time possible. Still wish I could have flicked a switch and been over it immediately but healing takes time. What I never suspected was that having gone through that lesson, and read all around the subject of Narcs for some time afterwards, that I would date another narc/ psycho! I had got myself in a happy place and met a guy through mutual friends while on a ski holiday. If I’m really honest I’d say that I had a buzzer go off in my head even on that holiday when he said and did a couple of odd things but he came with the endorsement of my friends so I ignored my gut, let my guard down and we began dating. 11 anxiety-laden weeks followed where the old push/pull, hot and cold treatement surfaced, with a bit of intermittent reinforcement thrown in for good measure. There was some careless lying, silent treatment – all the big hitters, this guy knew his stuff! While he was on a brief holiday I had a chat with myself and decided I’d seen and heard enough. I knew that If I ended the relationship in person I was going to hear some BS about the girls on holiday as he always tried to (unsuccessfully) press my buttons by over-complimenting other women (I’d learnt not to react from the original narc!) Predictable as ever, apparently the girl in the apartment next door was stunning, wore next to nothing to go to breakfast with him, had a perfect body etc. It did make me laugh inside that these pychos have to make people up to triangulate us with…I suspect his holiday neighbour was actually some bald overweight middle aged guy, otherwise I’d have been shown a pic! Still, no one who cares for a person does this, so it was the final confirmation that I was definitely correct about him so I gave him some vanilla reason for ending it before blocking him from my phone, facebook etc. He wanted to stay friends but Savannah’s article about the harem meant I was able to politely decline this offer!
Dating the first narc meant that I knew all the tricks these narcs use, so it was relatively easy to spot the signs. However, it’s still difficult to leave once emotions are involved, so next time a buzzer goes off alerting me to some shady behaviour, I need to listen sooner!
Love it Savannah. I’ve been away from the site for a while thinking I was okay and still having Rach somewhat in my life I could and would be able to handle it. She dumped the other girl.
I moved recently and Rach visited a couple of days after I moved in. Now it’s been a week,and after a week of her messaging me and me replying…………..as I always do I messaged her to ask her if she was feeling better after the weekend and how was her day. Not even a reply from her. 🙁
So seeing this blog today was the medicine I needed. Sorry I’ve been away so long. She is so manipulative and I fall for it every time. Its so deflating, when I actually felt stronger against her.
Wayne Dyer says many times in his speeches and books: “Circumstances don’t make a man, they reveal him.” This is so true, particularly in covert narcs. Yes, I agree, covert ones are even more skillful in hiding their true self. Also, when things are good from their perspective, they manage to float nicely and even please their partner but when the cards turn… then they show their true self in a flash.
It’s soon going to be a year when I finally and at last freed myself from this crazy mesh and I am still digesting the whole uncovering of his true self and the cruelty that associated it. I still have trouble believing that he never, ever loved me, neither he did his child and we were only, and exclusively his sources of supply. I still have trouble believing that his lack of empathy means that he has no second thoughts, no regrets, neither he ever misses us after 20 years spend together. Just because I have trouble of admitting that it was all but a fake, doesn’t mean that that thought crosses his mind. I know this is all true what Savannah says here but I still can’t fully internalize it and truly move on.
For me his will always have two faces. I honestly think there are two people walking on this earth with exactly the same name and look: two completely different personalities in one body.
I completely understand your pain , I’m still recovering from a very similar situation.. everyday I get better but this is not easy. Just know that I’m sending you good thoughts and peaceful energy..
Karen, I have to be honest here: your posts are very frustrating to read. You keep saying, ‘I know, I know,’ but your actions reflect that you’re not getting it. You have said yourself that this bitch abused you for a decade, dumped you for some other hag, and now dumped that hag and has since come crawling back to you. Why do you think that is? What do you think will happen when she finds some other gullible supply who worships her? Do you think she’s going to stick around b/c she ‘loves’ you? Then you’ll end up depressed, crying again, waiting and hoping for her return. Why are you surrendering your power to her?
What do you think is going to change? Her? The situation? The only thing you can control is yourself. Actions count, not words–but that goes for you too. You can say all you want that she is manipulative, but for as long as you keep letting her in, none of that means anything. Your actions say, ‘Do to me whatever you wish.’ In one of your last posts you said you blocked her number. So why did you unblock it? Why do you think she comes back? Could it be because you let her and she’s run out of options? There is no good to be seen, here.
My mom has a friend in her 60s who has obsessed over a guy for over a dozen years. He is the classic boomerang somatic. She can’t get over him b/c she has convinced herself that there is some connection there–despite him being currently married and having had 4 wives in his life and a string of failed relationships. My mom has gotten to the point where she doesn’t want to hear about him. 12 years and my mom’s friend has not cut this loser from her life.
This is what happens when you let someone run over you, year after year. 12 years go by and still you wallow and pine. She too, thinks she has it under control. ‘Oh, we’re just going to dinner,’ she argues to herself, after she’s told him to never contact her. But lo and behold, he knows her words mean nothing b/c she always lets him back in.
You say this blog is the medicine you need, but what is it really doing for you, if you don’t change your behaviour? Let me give you the synopsis of what is going to happen: ex bitch will meet new supply, ignore you, then break up with supply, and go back to you, till she finds new, etc, etc, etc.
Meanwhile, you’re missing out on new potential relationships, potential friendships with healthy people. Why? Because you can’t let go of this abusive loser, and meanwhile, any friend is going to be sick of seeing you go back to this abuse, so they will eventually pull away, leaving you isolated and depressed, which will only in turn, make you go back.
In an old comment you agreed with me and others when I said she was an ugly person. Were you just trying to agree? Again, your actions say you don’t believe it. You’re not putting yourself first. Don’t agree with me just to agree. But ask yourself what positive will come of this situation? Another decade of abuse?
I really look forward to Mondays and your weekly blog, Savannah. When we are faced with attempting to learn how to break away from a narcissistic relationship, we absorb as much information as we can, and somehow try to apply the advice. It’s hard. My Wasband doesn’t want to lose control over me, continues to gaslight me, and is dragging out the divorce. He admitted to me, again, that he was shocked (? clearly this man does not know me) I served him papers. I had to; it was my way of saying I was not accepting his decision to have an extra-marital affair, and I wasn’t going to tolerate it. Of course, he does not want to take responsibility for his actions and tells me I cost him a lot of money because I wouldn’t accept his terms (he wanted to have his cake and eat it too). He’s been losing control over me and doesn’t like it. He was irate when I successfully avoided him for 9 straight weeks.
So, here’s a question. Everyone, including my therapist, says the affair will end at some point (she’s 17 years younger than he at 50) during his mid-life crisis, and he’ll come crawling back. Personally, as a narc I don’t think he will come back to me (and I certainly don’t want him back!) because it will be more of a been there, done that, need something else new. Do many narcs return to their previous long-standing relationships (almost 14 years for me), or do some of them begin seeking a new supply?
Again, thank you for the weekly words of wisdom, Savannah!
No, Karen, they don’t always come back. After, I left my covert narc, I learned that I was at least #4 either married, common law or a serious partner. I met my narc when I was 35 and he was 40. Sure, I didn’t expect him not to have any past but he only admitted to his very last before me common law relationship that almost ended up in a wedding. I never learned why this almost ready wedding was called off. I only knew that they owned a house together. The only thing that he told me was that he got badly ripped off financially in the whole “deal” and that he was so hurt and so miserable. Recently, I looked at his first pictures with our little then son and the expression of me ex’s face is telling me a lot now. He looks sad, unhappy and yeah, darn… miserable as if he wanted to let any potential viewer of this picture that he is not a victim of the whole situation… and that wouldn’t be two or three years after his prior to me relationship break up. Why didn’t I notice this before? Why did I need 20 years spent with this guy to see this picture in a totally different light? Why didn’t I ask about his past, his previous relationships and why didn’t he ever admit that he was married in his early thirties??? I still wonder, how is this possible that nobody from his family ever said anything to me??? How could he have been “single” when once you’re married you are never single again but separated or divorced??? I don’t know??? Maybe the laws were different some 30-40 years ago???
Once he moved out, he left his old picture albums and there is not one picture of previous women. Not a half!!! I even looked at the back of the pictures and there are some other family members pictures that were dedicated to my ex and his ex-wife, but not a trace of his previous women.
I think, that covert narcs are so skillful at lying to themselves that they erase their memory. I am sure I don’t exist anymore in his mind. He didn’t take any, none, zero pictures from our family life or our son.
From any person who is got any empathy in themselves this is sickly sick and not comprehensible at all.
I always know when he is “gas lighting’/bread crumbing” another female. I decided awhile back that because we have never been out or had sex that I’d just sit back and just be friends. I think he thinks I’m sort of in his web.I only feel bad for him because everyone who actually knows him are laughing at him.
He and his wife seem yo get off on his escapades that he thinks are conquest. I can’t decide which one is the manipulating narc.
The reason I know he is married has to do with one too many broken trusts. One of my friends is a p.i. who happily ran a check on this guy for me.
Savannah, the depth of your insight throws shock waves through me. Each article, by you, that I read pulls me up off the floor of hopelessness and propels me forward and upward toward healing. Your voice resonates with me at a very deep level and has enabled me to understand myself and the narcissists in my life at a level heretofore untouched. You make the immense monster of narcissism transparent and surmountable and have given me REAL understanding that has ENABLED MY SURVIVAL and helped me to THRIVE.
It is a long way back from narcissistic abuse and you have paved the journey with gems of insight I will keep with me forever.
Thank you, Savannah, for all that you do.
One of the best things I ever did was to ignore his hoovers after he discarded me. I smirked at his attempts to contact me knowing that if I ever meet another guy who opens with a pity play and goes straight to triangulation, I’ll be able to walk away from the relationship immediately. Thank you for all of your articles Savannah, you have saved many people from continuing on in destructive and abusive relationships.
This describes my ex husband perfectly. He was mad at me for years that I wanted to work , even though I was self – employed and worked from home . When I was out on the road selling I worked around the kids schedule. He hated when I chose to be responsible to the kids or our home over time with him. He had two affairs and I played the pick me dance with these other women while he soaked up the love from both of us. Finally a few weeks after we separated he pitted me against my sister when I told him he could not attend my nieces wedding. He told me how disloyal I was and that he wanted to go to the wedding . He had me callling my sister many times so that he could come. I was still in the “pick me” frame of mind so I did it so he would be happy and come back to me. This article is like reading about my life.
So grateful for these articles… the long road waking up out of this heart and mind bad dream is a slow inside job. I appreciate dose of support to my inbox Savannah! The frst couple paragraphs so clear to me, yet my experience is of extreme “Covert” narcissism, and no one talks much about this type. I didnt know i was being triangulated, manipulated, lied to, demeaned, soul thieved, distorted for a long time. Was much slower than the actress going crazy in that movie ‘gaslight’. Yet, I could feel something was wrong. And so greatly damaging when the filters started breaking down and the true reality unfolding. They cant (nor can we) hold the lie and hide this horrible game forever, but sure can get many years and miles out of it, the really good covert ones, that is.
OMG almost my story to the word…
HDC-
I know the covert style well from my own xN. How could someone fairly active in her church, who goes home to see her family often, be an N? Well, when she intrigues and flirts and sows discord at church, and is trauma bonded to her N mother and abusive father; when she keeps all romances hidden (the better to elicit pity from new supply by saying “I’ve had terrible luck in relationships they never work out …”), which means none of the men currently in play ever know about each other; when she maintains many male friends she goes out with (excellent triangulation material for her romantic interests — all of whom wait anxiously to hear from her after these “friendly” outings); etc etc.
The covert style is clever and can be maintained by a smart N for a long time. But it depends on an endless search for new and gullible supply and leaves the N empty and very lonely at times. It’s hard to see when you are inside the covert N system and suffering the deep pain of devaluation and then discard — but it’s a sad and pointless existence. Which deep down my N knew. I can see now she was just as powerless to change her way of being as I was. Sad sick lost and utterly alone: it’s no excuse for the pain she caused me and others but from a distance now I see how empty her life really is.
HC
Reading this makes my deoiiscns easier than taking candy from a baby.
Thanks for sharing Hurtin’ Cowboy, I really appreciate you showing us another angle; that women are just as able to be a N as men. My N also claimed to be a devout Christian and close to God etc. and I thought to myself, “how are you acting and treating me this way and yet you praise the Lord?” Did they think God would be okay with that behavior? I still have so many questions that I just don’t know but I know I need to strap up my boots and move on. Have a good day!
I can specifically recall a situation I found myself in, where I dated a man shortly after my ex husband cheated on me and I left. While my ex husband exhibited some selfish qualities, I’m thoroughly convinced the one after was certifiably narcissistic, as it was one of the most manipulative relationships I had been in. His wife had been çheating on him, as well, with a mutual friend; so we bonded over that. The man, with 2 jobs, took over my house, rent free, with blue eyes and a magical dick. I am ashamed that I allowed this for over a year, but many of us know how a dream can quickly turn into a nightmare, without realizing it’s happening. I probably would have stayed on this rollercoaster, if I had no child to think of. Just one of many weird things that turned up in the relationship which was the final straw of me asking him to move out. The man left his broken down vehicle stuck halfway in and out of my garage, for months, to where all the neighborhood cats would get in and pee everywhere. Since he had not been working on the truck, I asked if we could roll it back out into the driveway, since it wouldn’t fit into my garage, so that we could close the doors to keep the cats out. Logical, right? No, he refused. He told me I needed to get rid of my own cats and that if I didn’t, he was going to leave a bowl of antifreeze or radiator fluid out for them to drink (which would kill all the cats.) Since getting rid of my cats was not going to take care of the problem, obviously, I told him I would not get rid of my cats and it would be beneficial for him to get his own place. At first he agreed and seemed thrilled about getting his own place, since he never lived by himself before, ( I have.) Two days later, celebrating Valentine’s Day together, he got super drunk and started treating me like shit the whole night-(ignoring me while I took care of him, then verbal abuse once we got into the car; until I briefly snapped back and stood up for myself, which then he looked at me like I was crazy.) He kept going on about how I chose my cats over him and that he didn’t have the means to move out. (He did, he was a workaholic who made better wages than most, who hadn’t paid rent in a year, yet kept buying himself lavish gifts, almost as if to rub it in my face.) That night, while unlocking the front door, he actually stepped to me like he was going to hit me. I was freaking out inside, trying to figure out how to rid myself of this parasite with as little casualty as possible. He put a hole in one of my doors already, when he threw a tantrum, because he made last minute plans for me without asking me, when I already had plans with my mother. The man was Jeckyll and Hyde. I am glad I found the strength to set boundaries and kick him out, even in my emotionally defeated state (mourning the loss of my marriage.) This relationship taught me a great deal about red flags and how to finally stand up for myself. Later, he broke into my house while I was showering, as a last attempt at keeping control. He apologized, to which I asked him what he was apologizing for, and he said he didn’t know. When I finally broke it off with him after he moved out, he went on and on about how he couldn’t live without me. A week later, he had someone new. They always find someone new. I had never been so scared of a man in my entire life and he was supposed to be my partner. People reveal themselves over time. There is no way to put into words how you know someone is off, but you do. This relationship has traumatized me so much that I have not even so much as shaken the hand of a man in 2 years. Honestly, I am much happier being single, I no longer have a need for someone to want me, my relationship with my kid has blossomed and I have engaged myself in activities and self care like never before.
Good for you! You are not alone. My story was very similar. Thank u for sharing? XOXO
My story is also exactly the same, but I stuck it out for nearly 5 years! I look back now and wonder what the hell was I doing. He tried to make me choose between my two children (now adults) but I wouldn’t, he wanted them to go and live with their father but I stuck to my guns. They just try to erode everything that makes you the person that you are, I have been single for over four years now and while I do get lonely, it has actually put me off ever going into another relationship. I know there are nice guys out there, I was married to one, but after a relationship with a narcissistic it is truly, truly hard to put yourself out there due to the pain, confusion, abuse and everything else they put you through.